#and that just isnt realistic so they can like
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modern rookanis au where spite is lucanis' cat who at best coexists with him and constantly knocks shit off counters and will find lucanis only to sit in front of him and yell. and then lucanis and rook get together and rook meets spite and spite immediately latches on. still a little shit, still a freak but he'll let rook pet him and he'll sit in their lap and Maybe even purr.
#i still havent gotten very far in the game because im trying to upgrade the shadow dragons shop and get everything i want from it#so this isnt incredibly informed but we're silly here its fine#i imagine before rook comes along spite is less of a pet and more of a roommate. like that cat just Lives here.#tmw 'your' cat likes your partner more than you#and if i can share my vision for what cat!spite looks like to you. if you know pangur imagine pangur but short haired and black-furred save#for one tiny tuft of white on the chest#idk what eye color he'd have. if we're trying to be realistic then he couldn't have purple-ish eyes without being albino so im not sure.#green maybe?#but considering this is made up and does Not Actually have to adhere to real life he Could have purple eyes anyway#dragon age#dragon age the veilguard#da: the veilguard#datv#spite dragon age#lucanis dellamorte#rook dragon age#rookanis
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grggrgrgrg i dont know where else to put this but i dont know how to explain but i hate when everyone coddles cody its like NOOOO! like yes they shouldnt suffer a horrible punishment but who are you to say what they did is nothing! or to just blatantly just put hate to charizard because shes holding them accountable for their actions! Just because cody is your blorbo does not make what they did right! you cannot forgive them because you are not the victim! sure you can forgive them for lying to you the entire time theyve known you but well to me that also brings up the question of. well what truth have they actually told me.
im not hating on anyone specifically or anything i promise its just like NOOOOO!! STOP!!! THEYRE NOT A LITTLE BABY WHO NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED FROM BIG EVIL CHARIZARD!!!!!
KILL!!!
(joke)
I believe cody needs to be looked at in a realistic light. like "hey cody that was fucked up. buuuut... well youre already in a prison of your own making so there isnt much more i can do. youre already paying for your actions."
Maybe thats just my thoughts i just always feel like a feral animal like this whenever everyone is comforting them
maybe that is how i feel about cody in general on a variety of fronts though they are my chew toy <3
FOR REAL IT'S GENUINELY SO CRAZY SEEING PPL JUST GOING "that's it?" AT THE FACT THAT CODY KNOWINGLY KILLED THE CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN CREATION. they did the thing that these players have literally threatened to kill EACH OTHER over. like, it's not just a one-off instance. there has been a RESOUNDING amount of support for cody in monochrome's inbox right now.
BUT that said, there ARE some people who are saying exactly what you have of, "i forgive you for lying and what you did was bad but you've already been punished for it" and even some people who do feel genuinely angry at them so it's not like EVERYONE is just blindly coddling cody. so that's good.
i'm trying my best to make it clear from a narrative perspective that what cody did was a Very Bad Thing and that charizard isn't just senselessly bullying cody over something that wasn't their fault. i know that was the false narrative that cody was fostering in peoples' heads for the past two years, so it's going to take a while for people to unlearn what cody misled them into believing and fully accept the gravity of cody's actions. charizard might be harsh but she is the voice of reason here to expose not just cody's true nature but also the hypocrisy of cody's players. it'll be fun to see more of her from now on.
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if i was in charge of veilguard i wouldve changed the solavallen ending by having solas killing flemeth mean killing her soul and the reason hes so hung up on her is bc shes gone forever and he wont ever have closure. and then during the ending when he first refuses to stop for lavellan, she puts herself between the veil and him. and solas didnt want to fight rook but he physically cannot bring himself to fight lavallen so instead he stands there breaking down and trying to beg her not to do this to him
and then shes like "omggg you think it was only you that did all this shit lets fucken go see what mythal was doing then" and then uses power of the well to put herself and solas in mythals memories. takes rook with them for the free couples counseling
then they have like, a mirror quest to regrets of the dread wolf where they experience all of these events of solas' life from mythals perspective and its really a quest abt solas and lavellan's thoughts on what they are seeing and its really dialogue heavy and rook literally just there for gameplay as an almost comical third wheel
and once they see all her memories lavellan takes them back and solas is just. a mess. rest of the ending proceeds as normal but the scene where lavellan goes with solas has more time to breathe w more dialogue. maybe reanimate the kiss to be less stiff
if lavellan didnt drink from the well then morrigan can be there but isnt in the quest herself, just transports solavellan & rook in and out of there. bc realistically (without the stupid character butchering fragment bullshit) she would not fucking want to be around or do anything for solas and is there for inky. if she didnt drink shes not in the scene at all shes still on the battlefield getting her hole played with by fem cousland or whatever
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Going to preface this by saying I love Tailor Astarion, these are just some thoughts I'm having tonight
I don't think Astarion would be able to make garments, beyond eying something he owns and replicating it. I think embroidery served a purpose and it was an outlet that took up minimal space, plus easier to store in a chest. The room the...less favored Spawn share isn't that large. It would just feel smaller as more spawn were introduced to their corner of hell.
It's also one of those cases where I'm not certain if he would genuinely enjoy the craft or not, since it less seems a skill developed with love and more like a necessary skill. It doesn't seem he cares as much for it if he's adventuring (based on his doublet having paint instead of embroidery at the epilogue party), but that also checks out for needing a break from something you did that you enjoyed while in a traumatic situation bc it reminds you of that trauma when you try to get back to it.
But he absolutely knows he is not your guy for anything complicated but would want to pull an Emperor's New Clothes situation for anyone who tried to make him do work for them
#bat plays bg3#i mean i learned to sew in a tiny space hunched over a box that my sewing machine was on#but it's a lot of storage space and hard to hide stuff#and even if youre hand sewing#the project cant just be wadded up and thrown somewhere if you want it to turn out nice#and i am leaning towards thinking Caz wouldnt approve of them having creative outlets at all#like he just seems like he would want them to devote their every waking moment to him#and that just isnt realistic so they can like#hide journals and embroidery and small sketchbooks or other things#like they're severely limited to things they can easily store/hide#so like embroidery served a purpose and was a bit of an outlet that could be hidden and could be explained as serving a purpose by making#him more appealing to potential marks#idk why im thinking abt this so much but here we are#i also imagine cazador had strict control over what skills he allowed them to develop freely#and it was best to either make those skills useful so he didnt impose restrictions OR#keep those skills hidden#and that thought is based specifically on him forbidding the spawn from learning about certain subjects#like you have life eternal and nothing but time to absorb all the knowledge in the world#but this asshat puts these restrictions out#even tho your entire existence is tied to the fact that you cannot harm him or betray him in any way ever#like this would only benefit him#the hubris#but also like if they're a NOBLE family#the things he would look down on as being beneath them#having so many feels in the club tonight#also astarion is allergic to work
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idk maybe it's because I see all art as various fields of craft work, ie skills composed of a series of linear steps that can be taken to produce certain results, but it irks me when people lose their shit over really basic pieces simply because the end result was able to produce a realistic image. like. especially since I've noticed it shows up a Lot more often in reference to categories of art dominated by women.
like, it's great y'all are gaining a respect for quilting and fiber work, but maybe loudly declaring that you either don't see or don't care about the immense display of skill in pieces unless they conform to what's mildly difficult in the one(1) genre of art you have deemed respectable isn't like. cool.
#this tapestry is so realistic! its the best- its a straight weave. You convert your reference image into a spreadsheet#and then just put the colors in their place. You two could do it with like. 10$ of supplies from Walmart and part of a cardboard box#This quilt! is really basic aplique work.#it lost to the granny quilt because the granny quilt made several hundred corners in cut pieces of fabric line up perfectly#like i know its in part because western art has been obsessed with depiction for a good long while#instead of the geometry of arabic art or expression of lines in a lot of east asian art or symbolic conveyance found across#massive swathes of african art#but its also just. 'I dont take art forms associated with women seriously unless it looks like the art of (a list 90% men)'#idk man. expand your horizons and learn more about art forms other than paintings#and also learn this: realism isnt hard#it's the lowest rung on the tree of advanced art. its the easiest to fake. it can be used to hide massive issues with your fundamentals#it just Looks impressive to the lay person who doesn't know jack or shit about the processess involved in making a Thing
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#mdzs#lan wangji#jiang yanli#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#i ask bc i think the subject just never comes up in mdzs. we know how lan wangji feels about jiang cheng (he's a hater) but not yanli#which is a bit strange given how important she was to wei wuxian#uhh given that im the poll runner im not sure if i should share my own opinions. but#imo you can argue for any of these#yanli was made to be the perfect fridged woman so it feels like sacrilege for anyone to dislike her. she's too nice#and given that she's kind of similar in temperament to lan xichen i can see lan wangji thinking highly of her#especially after she sticks up for wei wuxian at the phoenix mountain hunt (it always comes back to wei wuxian)#but i can also see lan wangji focusing on the fact that she married into the sect that ultimately destroyed wei wuxian#he's not exactly reasonable when wei ying is involved. so i can see him arguing that she should have used her position#as wife of the jin sect heir to do more for wei wuxian. or that she should have convinced jiang cheng not to expel wei wuxian#when she was still living at lotus pier. or something like that#this is not reasonable and lan wangji does not have all the facts. but he isnt a reasonable person lmao#grudge holder 100. blame slinger 1000.#there is also the fact that wei wuxian super killed yanli's husband#so in a yanli lives au would lan wangji expect yanli to just get over this? so wei wuxian can be happy?#honestly i dont know#at any rate. in canon lan wangji doesnt seem to think very highly of jin ling. who is yanli's son#which seems to imply to me that he and yanli did not have any sort of friendship or acquaintanceship#so imo the most realistic option out of all the options here#is that lan wangji thinks of yanli as just wei wuxian's dead loved one. and not really her own person#in the end it all comes back to wei wuxian lol#yanyan polls#yanyan speaks#adding second tag bc i talked too much in the tags
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Mumbo!
As a dragonet, he always loved puzzles and machines and creating things, and finding little opportunity for that in the rainforest, he decided to leave so he could do more of what he loved. Fearing that dragons wouldn’t take him seriously due to being a RainWing, he decided to disguise himself as a SkyWing. His disguise is very easy to see through, but it has worked well enough and he has built a good reputation for himself as a vault designer. He met Grian when they were both commissioned to design a rich dragon’s mansion (as an architect and vault designer respectively) and have been friends ever since!
He has also, unfortunately, been stuck with the name “Mumbo Jumbo” ever since.
#as a general note#in this au rainwings are a lot more varied (it isnt too uncommon to find one living outside the rainforest)#like they’re not all just “lazy pacifist loser” like 99% of them in arc 1#and different ‘wings arent as separate as they are in the books. there’s a lot more variation of traits and colours#both because them being so monolithic is less realistic and less fun to design for me!#like. you can get seawings with all sorts of cool/dark colours. and with lots of different accent colours#and some skywings have feathers. some dont. some rainwings have back spines. some dont. etc#all this to say: solo rainwing mumbo pretending to be a skywing isnt too preposterous. but its also a really bad disguise anyway#hcwof art#hcwof au#hcwof design#hermitcraft#wings of fire#hermitcraft fanart#mumbo jumbo#rainwing
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a lot of the time when i see other lesbians discuss bitchy butch and roberta gregory they talk about how seen they feel by the comic and how it replicates so many of their lived experiences then turn and are SHOCKED that it was written by a woman married to a MAN???
and it feels so close to getting the point, like no i dont think the titular character shutting up and getting some dick would fix her nor do i think thats what the comic is trying to say in the slightest, but conversely her blinding hatred (straight up fear at some points) for the world around her also will not help her. she can sit in her house stewing about the good old days of REAL lesbian coffee shops and newspapers and meetings and the imaginary no mxn allowed dyke commune or she can like. meaningfully interact with the current queer landscape around her and not dismiss every femme man as a tr*nny poser and femme woman as a straight gender traitor
#so many readings of it frel so cynical#like yeah shes an exaggerated personality its a comic#but i dont think pf her as a strawman i think shes like. shockingly sympathetic#i really do like the part where that gorl dragged to a religious protest by her mom sees the butch chick#and is like oh? theyre real? and not demons? i could be happy?#like her just existing in public as a visibly dykey woman helped someone in crisis#theres something beautiful in that#and yeah i fo like genuinely empathize woth her struggle to find a b4b partner#but the notion The Transsexual Menace or Evil Femmes is to blame is like. patently ridiculous#i think shes written pretty realistically as someone coasting on like their first instinctual opinion on people she meets on the street#you can be mad about heteronormativity without seething at a man and woman kissing#n the fact i constantly see people agree with BBs worst opinions is like. yeah no i don't think shes unrealistic#id see this woman on twitter#butchfemme isnt straight propaganda go take a walk#hi sorry I'm so interestes on queer comics
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" I love art" I say
Meanwhile when I do art there's a like 10% chance of me wanting to throw it smack against a wall out of frustration from any of the listed
It's taking too long
It doesn't match what I had envisioned
My skillset isn't where I want it to be
It hasn't clicked the joy switch in my head yet
Hunger
Tiredness
Existential dread
Accidentally getting color where it was not meant to be and being unable to make it look coherent again
Not being able to make a character look finalized enough no matter how much I touch it up
PERSPECTIVE AND ANATOMY
PERSPECTIVE AND ANATOMY
FOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR- PERSPECTIVE AND ANATOMY
WHEN I GET MY FUCKING HANDS ON YOU PERSPECT-
#art#digital art#vtuber#artwork#envtuber#character art#artists on tumblr#my art#art process#illustration#art frustration#art study#drawing study#drawing stuff#drawing style#painting#completely unrelated if somebody wants to teach me that would be great#youtube isnt helping#what do you mean an arm is a cylinder???#There's muscles there#im not made of tubes like some sick twisted sippy straw creature#Nobody describes things in a way that my neandertal brain can comprehend#you might as well bash rocks together because i will understand just as much#god bless you for posting tutorials and trying you angel sent from above#but sweetheart i have no idea what these knowledge balloons you're pelting me with even mean it just hurts#it's like rock hard cured cement#How are you all getting information from these?#i've seen so many and yet nothing#You're telling me that the 8 year old Picasso over here drawing hyper realistic horses learned from these tutorials?#I think you're lying and that's Rembrandt reincarnate
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did you guys know that, well, the cruelty is the point
#i love this entire scene sooooo bad it's so delicious#flaunting the tadpole abilities and what he's capable of -- he's broken free of cazador somehow AND he can withstand the sun#and THEN once they leave. he attempts to manipulate tav in suuuuch a genuinely horrible way like#oh well of course i feel bad for them. i mean they're FORCED to do cazador's bidding. but no matter!#i'm fine sacrificing them for my own gain :) or rather... for OUR gain :)#this will keep both of us safe :) and... well... you want me to be safe right? :) you want me to be happy right? :)#this isnt him at his worst by any means but god it's soooo so good after how his act 2 arc is if youre romancing him#he's open and vulnerable and tells tav all about his plans and how he's been manipulating them this whole time#only to do it in a fun and new and interesting way all over again. but this time youre already 100% on his team#ANYWAY. i like when he's a bit fucking terrible#bg3#playing bg3#astarion#act 3 is really just a whole new beast to me at this point. how fun. i only got here once before and it was buggy and barely worked#sorry. i will be soooo deeply annoying as i rotate everyone in my head like little rotisserie chickens for the next few days#really thinking about how elluin is dealing with seeing this - she understands feeling like power will fix everything and keep her safe#but unlike astarion is capable of thinking long-term and about consequences#so this has her shaking in her fucking boots. and really has her grappling with the reality of their relationship#so until they actually get to the szarr palace and deal with the ritual... she's super withdrawn with astarion and even with the others#she wants him to be safe bc it means that she can realistically be safe since they're weird little mirrors for each other#but also. does safety exist without it becoming warped and horrifying#sorry. i will be normal again eventually
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every day i kick a rock and bash my head into the wall because i'll never get to go on a big space adventure and become tightly close-knit with my new found family up there <//3
#re lrb..........#i mean realistically if i was in the voltron/quintenary stars universe chances are i would probably NOT be one of the people#going on the space adventure.#i'd be roped into the plot when the aliens invade and earth almost gets destroyed. spoilers for arc 2 btw sorry#but man. child soldierism aside i wish that were me so so so bad#sadly kicks a rock when will EYE have a deep and mystical connection with a giant ancient cat :(#its not even that i want to interact with the main cast bc i dont really i just. wanna be in their position man#i think one of the reasons why voltron grabbed me so hard (among MANY) is how badly i wanted to do what the main characters did#i remember when i was first watching it while it was coming out i would CONSISTENTLY daydream about being launched into space#with a handful of other people and having to fight a war and grow up far away from home and all the suffocating stuff that came with it#and then coming back years later already solidly knowing who i am and being confident in that#so i'd actually be brave enough to be unapologetic about it. and i'd be found family with the people i went to space with also#that parts important#idk man just. i dont like saying i was abused when i was younger because i really dont think it was like that and it isnt even close to#what how people who have really been abused have had to go through#but sometimes i really do wonder. like now that im (mostly) out and able to review everything with an outside perspective#not even getting into the cult survivorism stuff this is JUST family dynamics im talking about here#bc that shit is a whole other can of worms#i think my parents were genuinely doing the best they could with the cards they were dealt but. jesus christ.#i would have given ANYTHING to be able to run away from all that. and throw magic cats into the equation? brother im GONE#anyway this tags ramble has derailed in a MAJOR way. tldr i wanted to be a paladin sooooo fuckign bad bro#like it actually makes me SICK how much i want a lion. red you are my forever girl even if only in my heart <///3#i still do want to do all that out of principle but its not as desperate now i just really love space and really want a big kitty friend#winter speaks
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I'm trying to pick a major that I would be the most interested in just because it would make my life so much easier and right now I have like three ideas and they all have a million problems
#like bioengineering. that sounds great right#id make good money with even just a bachelors degree#but i dont want to be stuck with that my whole life. that doesnt sound fun to me and engineering is supposed to be a miserable major#AND MINOR#and its a relatively new field so not a lot of places near me have it. and the places that DO have it are crazy expensive#i want to get a degree in linguistics because thats something that sounds fun to me. i would enjoy that#im good with english and language#but what can i really do with a linguistics degree? and im not good at learning other languages so i couldnt be an interpreter as much as i#would enjoy it#i kind of want to go for theatre tech stuff but. idk there arent really any buts but is that really realistic for me? i stopped doing tech#in freshman year because people were kind of mean. im a quitter and theyre not going to like that and i havent done anything related#in so long so really what are the chances i get accepted for that#how much do techs make anyways? i guess it doesnt have to be THEATRE tech i could do tech for anything#i know people who tech for bands make pretty good money and they have fun#i lied theres four#i could do geology something but thats broad and also the best school for it in the state is UF.#im NOT going to UF. i would rather die. its a personal grudge. also they suck and barely accept anybody even though the school SUCKS AND IT#SO EXPENSIVE FOR NO REASON#i wanted to do marine bio two years ago but theres soooo many problems with that. including ticks#I HATE TICKS#“but joel. isnt it MARINE science? there arent ticks in the ocean” YOURE WRONG. TICKS ARE EVERYWHERE. also marine bio has a lot to do with#marshes and there ARE ticks in marshes. and maritime hammocks where id be spending a lot of time. you would not believe the amount of ticks#ive gotten from my marine bio and environmental management classes. its so many. so many ticks
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realtalk you guys probably dont need to know about but i know like zero weirdromantic people in real life, i think my cuddlebuddy might still be in love with me but also i dont think i mind at all. my default un-filtered way of showing affection to close friends Is near impossible to differentiate from romantic affection and i dont mind being treated with affection that is probably romantic as long as the other party doesn't expect romantic love or exclusivity from me, or lead anybody outside of us to make assumptions on our relationship. and like. i doubt they care since what i do is so close to romantic anyway. its not really leading anybody on if we've talked about it
#i kind of enjoy the feeling of having a friend be in love with me if they dont expect anything of me about it honestly#realistically this person is a Very close friend i would not have any qualms with more cuddles or kissing them or#hell even The Other Stuff Couples Do (demon in my brain saying to not say it openly) if they wanted#but i am not attracted to them and i have told them as much and it seems fine#so i guess the thing is more 'how do i ask this person if i can kiss them and whatever but like platonically though'#idk i love incredibly abnormal friendships everybody should have more incredibly abnormal friendships#also the worst that could come out of this is me falling for them which honestly would not be a problem#it all works out i think#i am also just like#incredibly touch starved so this isnt just a 'if they want to treat me like this they can'#i do want to initiate but not in a romantic context which is my main hangup honestly#im still doing pretty good though im marginally winning at the fuck amatonormativity game#veespeaks
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i do think its kinda funny when i see someone in the year of our lord 2024 talk about vocal synth music like its all gone downhill since like 2010 because like dont get me wrong i love a good niconicodouga-ass 2008 ass vocaloid joint BUT also like. the past couple years have had the most fascinatingly creative and expressive uses of vocal synthesizers ive ever heard in my life DJFSKHJDFS dont write it all off just yet!!
#usually i only see that from people who havent actually listened to any vsynth music from the past 15 years so i understand why they got to#that conclusion. and also usually theyre people who didnt listen to much vsynth music in the first place LOL they just dont know#but it is still a little funny. brother there are things beyond your wildest dreams if u just look#like some personal highlights: the stuff by rinri - particularly their use of the meika girlies#dont carry our memories away is LIFECHANGING the whispers. the spoken parts. the BELTS#plus the haunting and unrelenting instrumentation. fantastic song#and naisho no pierced's propose + birthday + gift sort of trilogy of songs. gift especially has been unreal#again the dynamics of soft intimate whispers to belts but also those fuller high notes with edges of growlyness.#plus the songs just generally rock. and those LYRICS. absolutely intense like physically painful and frightening like#yearning and codependency and possession. and the tuning and production just amps it up more#OH and slave.v.v.r has been doing crazy things for even longer but i only started getting into his stuff recently and holy shit#love eater is like. the scariest vocaloid song ive ever heard not because of the lyrics. but because of the tuning#im like. scared. i cant stop listening to it. the heavy synthesized breathy main vocals and whispered harmonies plus the VOCAL FRY#i didnt realized vocaloid5? i think? has a vocal fry option built in i heard? thats crazy#but specifically in love eater the fry and growl is amped up so deep and loud and clear compared to everything else it like#emphasizes the artificiality of the voice while also amping up the expressiveness#its awesome. and on the older slave.v.v.r songs i heard i will hit you 8759632145 times with this piano. also so fucking cool#addicted to that song. 1) its a great jazzy rocky piano tune with this piano flourish at the end of each phrase that sounds fantastic#but also 2) the lyrics are insane. using kanji to write english??????#people are doing wild ass things with vocal synths rn you guys#this isnt even getting into some of the really unique synths themselves too. adachi rei is awesome i love that shes just like#the perfect inbetween of sample based and reconstruction based vocals. shes a sample based synth#but her samples were drawn by hand LOL shes like dectalks granddaughter to me.....#a really good use of adachi rei is iyowa's heat abnormal/heat anomaly/whatever its called ITS AWESOME thats what it is hjrkfdgfd#i think the fact that vocal synths can be so realistic and clean and noiseless out the gate now has made people really stop worrying#about like. realism all together and looking more into expressiveness. omg vocal synth modernist movement
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Dragon Ball fandom that read super, why the fuck Goku and Vegeta trains for two/ almost three years non stop without visiting family once? I was shocked reading superhero, that was so unnecessary
#son family#dragon ball#dragon ball super#also quality writing is even worse than usual i am sorry wtf means freezer randomically closing an arc like that#granolah is perfect through#also bardock wishing for both his sons to strive#raditz did really strived...#and people complained about gt#also moro arc was so boring but he was indeed a cool villain#dbs has interesting and cool concepts#tbh i know why goku and vegeta dissapear for 2 years half#so goten and trunks can be the heroes#that is cute but dont need to be THREE YEARS#just them training on whis planet and since they need him to teleport#or maybe they dont anymore?#feel bad for pan#and bulla#trunks goten bulma chichi and gohan are used to their insanity#end rants#tbh is okay i just have to accept they are bad patriarch#but for me isnt that the issue IS THE STORY ITSELF NOT AKNOWLEDGING#people would call it realistic#and yeah this is why i hate it seeing pan being sad and then everything okah because my grandpa was the same always forgetting me
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🤧🐀🌧️🌊
#need to clear my head;#im in such a bad mood. my face is in a perpetual angry state. im just so so bitter nd pessimistic rn#trying not to get stuck in negative chaos thought spirals nd to just take it as it come#nd be patient bc recovery takes time i know. but i havent been able to feel healthy or functional for 7 months nd i am so tired#i cant help but worry abt my health nd what kinda diet i can have nd how to work all of that out.#like the removal of the gallbladder dont ensure a good digestive system. they remove it bc it can irrepairably hurt u#also im so so stressed out abt school nd my courses. i already had to drop one last week. nd it isnt looking like i'll be able to pass my#eng class.. it just isnt looking like it's realistic at all :/ i personally dont mind if i fail. but i can get issues w my wellfare hmm#bc like im still feeling rough nd u only get sick leave for one week after surgery.. so i have to go on thursday nd friday but im gnna#be in pain plus be so hungry nd be unable to concentrate idk#idk idk!! im already willing to take out loans to finish my upper secondary school.. but i have to make it work w timing nd stuff so im not#sitting here unable to pay rent or the bills or food lmao. so idk have to fix it somehow#nd the pressure of this country rapidly declining state is stressing me tf out!! having nazi conservative rightists in the ruling is just#dreadful!!!! for many reasons but atm idek if i can do distance classes like i wanted to ://#i just.. wanna be able to go for my long walks. go to the gym. eat normally. have coffee. study nd finish highschool.#then apply for whatever program i can nd move to another calmer city. prob eventually find a path to move to another country. like norway..#im thinking too much but my thoughts are spinning nd killing me like i cant stop it im so scared nd anxious lmao 💀#im also trying to be brave and write to the psych clinic for personality disorders nd be upset nd 'beg' them for help ksksksks.#but like... the thing abt having avpd is that i kinda dont wanna bc im scared of the possibility of them helping me lol#im just in a low place nd bad headspace and it's just getring worse nd im getting more nd more tired#i dont have much more energy to keep it together nd pretend like im ok or like i have hope lmaoooo idk what to do#anyway... idk idk guess i just gotta .. keep crawling forward anyway i can
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