#and sometimes it feels like I still do
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I actually need some fanfic, where Bruce and Jason are in the middle of some argument, and a casual (and a well-practiced with Dick before) sentence leaves his mouth, something along the lines "How old do you think you are?!", meaning that he is acting childishly. And because Jason is irritated, and his tongue runs loose in his anger, he screams back that he is nineteen, and Bruce just freezes, because... Oh. Jason is nineteen. He is a fucking kid - his kid - that lost years of his teenhood, and was forced back without anyone giving him a space to catch up, with everyone else already treating him like an adult... When he isn't.
#you all don't understand how devastating it is to die like a kid and be back to everyone moving on and expecting you to run with them#when you are just learning to pace#no one give him time to come to his senses#and no one spoke with him about it#just how much derealisation it could bring#do you think jason sometimes still feels like he is a kid despite being so tall and strong#like he realises that he doesn't look like kid but in his mind everyone sees him like one#even though they never treat him like one#DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN#— lie's rambling#jason todd#red hood#dcu comics#dc universe#dcu#batman#bruce wayne
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AuDHD is so funny sometimes like what do you mean my hyperfixations/special interests will last for years on end or possibly forever but they will cycle out every month or two with absolutely no transitional period or warning. like i will think about the same topic every day obsessively for 46 days in a row and on the 47th day with no visible cause adhd brain goes "ok! bored of that now" and autism brain goes "dw i got something queued up for ya" and i blast into full blown obsession on some other topic whose mental file folders haven't opened in 9 months. brain's out here treating hyperfixations like a crop rotation. once the dopamine runs out it cycles in another one but once something's in the rotation it never ever leaves. last summer we brought in one from when i was 11. it's so funny to me but frustrating too bc like. i cannot stress enough my inability to predict or control this. or how completely abrupt and random it can be
#actually adhd#actually autistic#audhd#aphelion.txt#ik 'adhd brain' vs 'autism brain' is a gross oversimplification especially given how much overlap there can be#but it at least helps me conceptualize wtf is going on in my head when i do this lol#and yeah i'm mostly referring to fandoms in this post but it can happen w more 'Traditional' special interests too#like my linguistics special interest which hasn't popped up in a couple years now but whenever it does#i will fill literal notebooks while studying 4 languages at once and simultaneously inventing a conlang#and then i'll be like Ok that was fun! and several months later im deleting like. 2gb of textbooks off my iphone to make room for an update#And sometimes yeah there is a precipitating event like 'Oh something new happened in X fandom with my blorbo!' but sometimes it's like#yeah. no. idk either. switch got flipped in my brain and X no longer sparks joy. only Y rn. how come it's Y? yeah idk i also wish i knew#i don't think any of this is actually an uncommon experience for people with these types of neurodivergencies it's just.#the severity of abruptness and TOTALITY of the switch that makes me feel like a weirdo sometimes lol#like I'M getting mental whiplash from this sometimes. idk how y'all are still following my blog
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The desire to create exists for but a fleeting moment before it is once more ripped from my grasp, and I am left longing for its warmth
#A short poem about my mental state for the past... 2 years?#maybe longer#It feels like it gets worse every year tbh#I want to create I really do#but finding the motivation for it is not as easy as it used to be#I remember when I liked drawing#and sometimes it feels like I still do#but it lasts for a day at best and then I'm sitting at my desk glaring at a blank canvas and begging myself to do something about it#It feels like I went through 10 years of effort and it's left me with nothing to show for it#Actually its been longer than 10 years because I've been drawing since I was 10
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i wrote an interactive poem for my girlfriend in 3 parts. she said you need to read it.
go here: take only the final quiz or take all 3. i don't mind. it's sad, though. this is a poem about choice. about fate and mental illness and how love fits inside of all of it. this is a poem about a long dark hallway. mostly this is a poem about mango sushi rolls.
good luck. i love you. despite it all, i'm hopeful.
#uqiz#she said i need to put it up here lmafo#something something feel free to send me 5 dollars towards my next sushi roll run#poetry#experimental poetry#there's no specific like warning on this except that im not doing well n therefore it LEAKS into my writing lol#the realllll shit as an author is like ohhhh fuck i write so much better when im mentally unwell lol#:( why cant i be sane AND rational. why does my creativity gotta stem from suffering.#(bc when im not suffering im outside saying YIPPEE and kicking my heels lol)#IF YOU SAW THIS BEFORE I CLICKED THE RIGHT LINK NO YOU DIDNT#hey btw if you're experiencing an error idk what's up with that bc it still loads on my end.#i'll look into solutions but sorry :(#hi friends: i have no idea why sometimes the links break for random people.#it might be a chrome/firefox/etc thing but i will say that the links still work on my end AND i still have people taking each quiz.#so i know it works .... i have no idea what the exact solution is - maybe reload it if urs isn't working?#sorry im not good at coding :(
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FORGETTABLE-AU (page 82-85)
THAT LAZYBONES!!
[BEGINNING] [PREVIOUS] [CONTINUE]
#So sorry it took me almost 2 weeks to post these#I was busy irl but ALSO I had too much fun doing extra art and forgot to work on these for like 3 days lmao#NOW THIS TIME I DO HAVE SOME THING TO SAY#YAY RIVERPERSON! SO MANY PEOPLE GUESSED CORRECTLY!#It wasn't that hard#We know Papyrus knows the river person#are they friends? idk BUT I PERSONALLY THINK THEY ARE#I just LOVEEE looking at the dialogue and making connections#I referenced one of the lines from the river person here...sometimes they'll ask you if you know any game you can play with a dog...#They said they were “asking for a friend...”#And I couldn't help but think about Papyrus' problem with the annoying dog LMAO#+ Papyrus seems very excited to know if the river person is there when you call him nearby that area#Okay so... now ...some comic thing that I made up but also didn't...#“FLOWEY DOESN'T KNOW WHO THE RIVER PERSON IS?”#okay so...#I feel like#It's not very common for them to be there...#When talking with Undyne around that area it's kind of *unclear* if she knows about the river person being there....#She tells you about the river connecting different areas and that you should “jump in”#She then clarifies that's the only thing they got for public transport#AND LIKE? It's unclear if she's telling you to jump in the boat (OR IF SHE KNOWS THERE'S SOMEONE WITH A BOAT) or is she's literally telling#you to jump in the river?????#Anyways...so...that's that#HEHE Flowey and Papyrus finally arrived at the house! WOHOO#Sans is too lazy to bring his old stuff to the surface! (or does he still think he'll end up back in the underground eventually?)#undertale#undertale comic#forgettable-au-comic#papyrus#flowey
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Maybe we never had a chance.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#a-yuan#Ultimately...despite how hard we try to reach people - sometimes it just is not possible.#Sometimes all you can do is wish that things could have been different. You pen a note with all the things you want to say -#and then you let it go. The words stay unsent and unspoken. You just watch the rift between you grow until you're too far away to try again#It is a sad end! It is two people who want to be closer but do not have the right capacity to do anything but shut doors.#Worse yet; it's two people who feel it is not their place to try and impose anything more.#It takes so long to heal from endings like that. You never get enough closure when there is still a faint hope of 'another day'.#It's a false amicability. It's closing a door and telling yourself that at least the windows are unlocked.#WWX will keep up his friendliness as a way to hold LWJ at a distance. LWJ can only try to help so many times.#Speaking of tragedies of trying to help; Let's talk about the addiction metaphors in this episode.#WWX tells LWJ in fairly straightforward terms that he does not *want* do be doing ghost cultivation.#What he wants is to protect people - by any means necessary. If he had another option he would take it.#The path WWX 'chose' is one that is deeply mired in external shame and taboo. He jokes about it but it clearly doesn't feel great.#And I put 'chose' in quotes because just like many who find them selves in bad situations - the choice is an illusion.#He's adamant that this is 'his' choice. That he is in control.#Better to be villainized that endure the terrifying reality that you lack any ability to have choice anymore.#If he had the choice - truly had the choice - he would not be doing this.#You can't help those who don't want to be helped. So of course all LWJ can do is watch from the side. Offer a hand when he can.#This life was a tragedy and the countdown to it all blowing up started a long time ago...
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(From the body swap AU)
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Hii! I'm very happy to see that my body swap comic was so well received, so here's a little something as a thanks for all the support <3
I'm excited to keep sharing my drawings, I hope you like what I make!
#Aand that's how Rulie ended up insisting on keeping Lege's bag lol#They're besties your honor. He wouldn't trust his entire inventory to anyone else xD#This time I had less pages to worry about so I hope this feels a bit less rushed. I'm still figuring this out tho#I also need to learn how to properly draw them bc this has been a struggle lmao#Hyrule's also stressed about the situation he's just been doing a bit of a better job at hiding it lul#Oh they don't know what's coming <3.#Anyways it feels so wrong to draw “Hyrule” with a scowl 😭#I like drawing his hair mirrored specially since it helps make it more different from Legends but it's so hard to draw it from the long side#This is a mess I have no idea what to call them#I confuse myself sometimes while making these lmao#lu legend#lu hyrule#linked universe#lu fanart#body swap au#Ig I'll tag it like that#offmozzart#I thought about kinda spreading all my ideas over time so as to no overdo it so quick ig (+not going crazy over drawing the same characters)#but rn I'm excited to draw them out so I need to take advantage of that
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Instead of writing a fanfic like a normal person this oneshot turned into two separate, contextless things,
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#sorry it’s how my brain works (sometimes can only see things in terms of tv scene-)#tumblr exclusive video fancy…#dcmk#my art#(quietly coughing and spluttering) OK alright I can feel the creative brain explosion slowing down. geez#coughs.#nyways. weird that there hasn’t really been a main case where poison is involved in a certain way#If I watch my own scribbled boards for too long im gonna get too embarrassed to post. Send post#Subarus hair is still infuriating by the way like take that off your normal hair is easier. The beanie is easier#you like Have to have the side corners on this haircut or it doesn’t look right#anyways. shiho ptsd moments I think she kind of gets irritated that shinichi doesn’t react the same so when he does she gets like#weirded out and vindicated and a little protective. Like woah wait. Love that you understand me rn don’t like that you feel bad I am going…#to…………. ssssssssssit here about it…………………………….. uhhhh. do you want. a rubix cube to get your mind off it#I don’t want to talk about my feelings I just want you to get it. you don’t wanna talk about your feelings either which is……………. Hmmmmmm#I like her. love of my life miyano shiho#masumi sera#conan edogawa#ai haibara#akai shuichi#let conan swear. HE SWEARS A LOT BUT LET HIM SWEAR IN ENGLISH I KNOW HE KNOWS THEM#man needs his emotional support akai family they like him#rigorous trials to being approved by the akai matriarch but everyone else likes him already and have already picked him up multiple times#and shuichi would let him swear
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I WISH ARO HEADCANONS WERE MORE POPULAR IN FANDOMS
#THERES LIKE. BARELY ANY.#IF I GET LUCKY ILL SEE AN ACE HEADCANON#BUT VERY RARELY DO I SEE ARO HEADCANONS#SOBBING#stiff talk#my favorite thing is thinking about how many characters i see as aromantic but then i go to the fandom tag or to that characters tag and#everyone is shipping them and theres like 2 posts total about that character being ace and 1 post about them being aroace#man im just a bit sad about all this dont mind me#yea yea i know the whole “if you wanna see something make it yourself” thing but see heres the thing: im tired#i just wanna be able to go through a tag and see people share similar ideas and headcanons without me having to make all the work myself#and i bet theres plenty other people who feel the same#and even if there is a character thats like. somewhat aroace coded in some way people still find a way to go “but then they fall in love”#and like yea have fun or whatever but i just idk it just feels very lonely sometimes yknow#miss the times when i didnt think about this so much#cuz now that im older and know that IM aspec its like. oh. i wanna see more characters like me! but theres like basically none#SORRY FOR THE RANT LMFAO#ignore this im just feeling silly
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So does anybody else ever think about how Loop felt the need to demonstrate that the party's deaths wouldn't have any effect on the loops. I know I do but that's besides the point. Anyway I don't think Loop actually needs to bathe, they just like to feel included.
#'but lucabyte didnt you already do a comic with this exact same message? that loop has potentially killed their party intentionally before?'#yes i did absolutely do that thank you for noticing. that is what the cannibalism comic is about. no that was not a metaphor. lol#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#sifloop#isat siffrin#isat loop#in stars and time fanart#isat fanart#lucabyteart#ill ramble elsewhere some other time. maybe in a text post. but. long and short of it: even if you assume the answer to 'how do they know'#is that in sasasap isa got frozen once. theres still the fact that the loops are from sif being too distressed. how far gone does a siffrin#have to be before they can witness a party member die and notice it has no effect. how does loop feel to have planned to kill the party#during act 3. why did they NEED to show sif that. are they trying to preemtively stop them from getting the idea in their head#that maybe that might work? when they're out of all other options? when they just get so frustrated and at wits end?#loop helps in subtle ways through the whole game. and in less subtle ways like begging sif not to use the dagger. and while yes the#overarching reason you need to learn that the loops are tied to sif is because you need to figure out wish craft.... loop doesn't know the#actual mechanics of the loops themselves. just what didn't work. the power of friendship. getting the final hit in. being perfect. etc...#and besides all that.. how did loop feel during that hangout. being so deceitful. especially since before the other shoe drops#sif is enjoying themselves. but they know what's coming the whole time.#as for: why bathing? its the obvious imagery for blood on their hands/washing/never being clean. and is a bit of an inversion of the other#piece i just drew with the other casual closeness and nudity being kind. this one is cruel instead.#anyway tag ramble over ill do a masterpost of all my fanwork with some directors commentary sometime i promise. since i know im often vague
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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.
i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.
in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.
i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.
i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.
plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.
the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.
we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.
i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.
a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.
today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.
loved beyond thinking.
#spilled ink#writeblr#personal#please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it#i really try not to write so specifically about it#bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child#i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years#i might delete this. feels big.#the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum#and if u say ur autistic#inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms#please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do#and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort.#but it still feels like...#when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing.#they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly?#and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find#the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go)#and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW."#''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.''#and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic#someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.
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reading chainsaw man and trying to piece together theories makes me feel like an insane person. like no yeah totally pochita is actually the birth devil and reze is coming back and aki isn't actually dead and its all because of this one slight detail in the background and its all going to culminate in one big story about trauma. meanwhile no one has fucking mouths in the manga right now
#drea rambles#btw i still do believe all this minus the aki and reze thing#but sometimes i feel like i have to take a step back#and be like yeah no one has fucking mouths rn lemme take a breather#i hope fujimoto does the hear no evil speak no evil hear no evil thing ppl have been talking about#would be cool#blank panels with speech bubbles so you only have a vague idea of the battle#oh yeah#also i hope asa doesnt die LMAO#chainsaw man#csm spoilers#chainsaw man spoilers#csm manga#csm part 2#csm#csm 175
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i feel like this is a topic that needs more than just a tumblr post to fully expand on but. i think that in modern-day christian culture we place WAY too much emphasis on Feeling and Emotion . and i think that this attitude is part of the reason why the most common struggle you hear is "God isn't speaking to me/I can't hear God". feels like the standard set is that you're constantly feeling a Supernatural presence and it's Big and Obvious and it Shows and you can't contain it... when that's just not it. God can be quiet. God can nudge. God's voice is contained in the Bible that you hold between your hands. If you're not "hearing Him" then maybe your expectation of what hearing Him is is flawed.
#julia.txt#the culture around worship.... around Feeling and Performing those feelings#the misuse of the Holy Spirit#the 'well if you're convicted then dont do it but if you're not its fine'#the 'do what feels right for you'#like no actually. we have God's will in written form#its not about What We Feel. its about what is Written#and sometimes even if something is not addressed explicitely word for word in the Bible#you can still very easily discern God's will about it#<- now this is an unrelated tangent#but you get what i mean#not to mention the whole speaking in tongues thing#faith posting#THE HEART IS WICKED AND DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS!!!
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Vote to give Grian his silly crazy eyes back /nf
I do want to give him silly eyes…. Or creepy maybe…
#Ask#my art#sketching#grian#didn’t feel like fully colouring qksjfjdk#I want to draw grian looking creepy actually… big dark eyes.. eye bags…but he’s still so whimsy… Later#I do prefer the dark eyes. But I think the purple peeks through sometimes
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If you are a fan of anybody's work, whether it be art, writing, music, translating, editing, videos, etc- it is incredibly important that you share that you enjoy their work.
It could be a comment, a tag, an anonymous ask saying thank you or something about their most recent piece you enjoy, anything. Creation is more often than not a social thing, and a little note or comment really goes a long way. People are sharing a little piece of themself every day, here on the internet!
So if you don't mind a little challenge, on the next piece of art* you see that you find personally impactful, leave a little tag or comment saying something about how much it means to you.
*this includes writing, music, edits, jokes, anything that has undergone the act of being created by a person
#text#rambles#something I need to get better at but I try. It gets easier the more you do it I promise#important asterisk about respecting boundaries. its a given but still putting this here#this isnt for me btw. im just noticing how far positive feedback or interaction goes#but the amount of people i have seen grow and bloom just because someone said that they liked their work. its a lot#even the motivation I feel at someone recognizing a joke I made in an art piece and riffing off it! it is genuinely so motivating#just thinking about how there is a person behind every piece of artwork. edit. post. video. etc. (not ai)#and sometimes its important to remember that. and to let them know that you see them
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Love disabled people who just lie about their disabilities to nosy, intrusive questions. Sorry, yeah, I lost my arm in the wash one day. It's funny how that happens! Oh, I got back pain from saving nineteen children from a burning fire department <3
#disability#sometimes lying is just. funny. SORRY.#look like... whether you lie about why you're disabled you're still disabled and it shouldn't have to factor into how you're treated...#...if it isn't relevant to your care needs or care plan.#like. if you lost your arm does it matter if you say you lost it in the wash like a sock or tell your actual story...#...like either way you still /do not have an arm/. that doesn't change if you lie or not#anyway. huge defense for a post that probably didn't need said defense#sometimes you just feel like lying in such a grandiose way that people don't know if they SHOULDN'T believe you#i think my lie will be that a powerful necromancer preformed Emergency Bone Shaving on one leg only...#...and he used the bone shavings to raise a skeleton army that looks like My skeleton but only on the legs
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