#and she has to go because she can no longer be a part of what she dreamed

[xyywrites]

Writing Grief Without Romanticizing It

Grief is raw, messy, and deeply personal. It doesn’t follow a neat arc or fit into tidy narrative beats. While stories often use grief as a dramatic device, romanticizing it can cheapen the emotional reality. Writing grief authentically means embracing its discomfort and unpredictability, not sanitizing or idealizing it. 

What Romanticizing Grief Looks Like

Characters who seem emotionally wrecked but always manage to look graceful in their suffering.

Overly articulate monologues that sound more like a eulogy than a real moment of loss.

Depictions of grief as a singular, cathartic event instead of a long, jagged process.

Romanticized Grief:

“Every day without you is like a piece of me fading away into a tragic, beautiful void. I’ll carry this pain forever, for it’s all I have left of you.”

This might be poetic, but it lacks the authenticity of how most people actually process grief.

Realistic Grief:

“I forgot your birthday. I didn’t mean to, but when I remembered, it was already too late. And then I hated myself because forgetting felt like erasing you.”

Writing Grief Authentically

1. Show the Physical Toll

Grief isn’t just emotional—it’s physical. Insomnia, headaches, exhaustion, or even the inability to move can be part of the experience.

“She woke up in the middle of the night again, choking on the air. Her chest felt like a cinderblock had been wedged inside, heavy and unmoving. It was three days since the funeral, and she still hadn’t slept longer than an hour.”

2. Let Grief Be Messy

Grief isn’t a perfectly linear journey. There’s no logical progression from denial to acceptance—there are setbacks, breakdowns, and even moments of denial long after healing has started.

“He yelled at his mother for throwing out the cereal box. ‘It was his favorite,’ he said. She didn’t remind him that it had been expired for months. She just handed him the trash bag and walked away.”

3. Avoid Glossy Sentimentality

Sometimes grief isn’t poetic; it’s ugly, blunt, and devoid of grandeur. Characters might lash out, shut down, or isolate themselves.

Romanticized: “I’ll cry every day, but I’ll keep going because you’d want me to.”

Realistic: “They said time would heal it. But it didn’t. Time just put more space between me and the life I knew before.”

4. Let Grief Manifest in Small, Unexpected Ways

Grief isn’t always about sobbing—it can show up in mundane moments: hesitating to delete a voicemail, holding onto an old sweater, or instinctively setting the table for someone who’s gone.

“She turned to tell him the joke, the one about the broken lamp, and stopped halfway through. The silence hit harder than the punchline ever would.”

5. Highlight the Absurdity of It

Grief can be absurd and disorienting. Characters might laugh inappropriately, obsess over trivial details, or feel disconnected from reality.

“At the funeral, all she could focus on was how crooked the flowers were arranged. She kept wanting to fix them. If she didn’t, she thought, none of this would feel real.”

6. Explore How Grief Changes Relationships

Grief doesn’t happen in isolation—it affects relationships, often in unexpected ways. Some people pull closer, others drift apart.

“Her friends stopped asking how she was doing after the first few weeks. She didn’t blame them; she didn’t have an answer. ‘Fine’ wasn’t a lie—it was just easier than saying, ‘I still can’t breathe when I see his empty chair.’”

7. Show the Longevity of Grief

Grief doesn’t end when the funeral does. Let it linger in your story, showing how it ebbs and flows over time.

“It had been five years, but she still called his number when something exciting happened. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was just habit. Or maybe it was hope.”

8. Allow for Moments of Respite

Grief isn’t constant agony. People still laugh, find joy, and go about their lives—sometimes feeling guilty for it.

“She smiled for the first time in weeks, and then immediately hated herself for it. It felt like betrayal, like forgetting.”

[mintyys-blog]

Reader with big boobs cuz whaaaaaa🥹

HEADCANON | variants with s/o who has big boobs

MAIN MARK

He tries so hard to be respectful, really. He does. But then you lean over the counter to reach something, and boom—gravity does its job, and Mark just short-circuits.

“Uhh—babe, can you not do that while I’m trying to concentrate?”

“What, exist?”

“Exactly.”

He always tries to sneak glances, thinking he’s being subtle—he’s not. You catch him every time, and the worst part? He grins about it.

“Oh, come on. You’re literally walking around like a walking distraction. You can’t blame me.”

Sometimes he just lays his head on your chest like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“I dunno how you expect me to ever get out of bed again. I’m right where I belong.”

MOHAWK MARK

Mark’s the kind of man who lives for the show. You step out in a top that hugs your chest just right, and he doesn’t blink twice—he smirks, runs his tongue along his teeth, and slings an arm around your waist like a proud bastard.

“Yeah, baby. Go on. Let ‘em look. They wish they had what I do.”

He’s obsessed with how your chest looks in just about anything—tight tees, low-cut dresses, even when you’re wearing nothing but one of his old hoodies and it’s hanging off your shoulder.

Sometimes when you’re trying to get ready, he’ll lean in, eyes fixed on your chest like he’s deep in thought.

“You sure you don’t wanna stay in? I could use a little bounce in my day.”

He never covers you up. Doesn’t get jealous. Not because he doesn’t care, but because he wants the world to know you’re his.

“She’s mine. Go ahead and stare—just don’t forget who she goes home with.”

SINISTER MARK

Mark is possessive, and when it comes to you, he’s not subtle about it. You step into the room in something that shows off your chest, and his gaze immediately snaps to you—dark, calculating, hungry.

“Look at you, just begging to be marked,” he murmurs, his voice dripping with dark amusement. “Don’t think I’ll let anyone else enjoy this view.”

When you’re close, he reaches out, pressing his lips to your skin with a savage bite, his teeth leaving marks on your soft flesh. He relishes how you gasp, but he’s not doing it for your reaction—he’s marking you, claiming you in front of anyone who might dare to look.

“Let ’em look, but they won’t be touching you. Not like I do.”

His hands are quick to slide up your shirt, and he drags his mouth across your chest, leaving a trail of dark, bruising kisses. He’s unapologetic when he bites down hard, just enough to make you squirm, to remind you and everyone else who you belong to. Every time you wear something that shows your chest, he leaves a few new marks, a few more hickeys that you can’t hide.

Later, he’ll smirk to himself when he sees them—his handiwork, marking you as his, the pride of his possessiveness written on your skin.

“That’s better. Now everyone knows you’re mine.”

OMNI MARK

You were getting ready for the day, adjusting your top, when Mark’s eyes inevitably fell on you. There was something about the way you moved, the way your chest shifted with each step, that caught his attention every time. He didn’t say anything, not out loud at least, but his gaze lingered for a moment longer than usual as you adjusted your clothing.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice,” he said casually, his voice cool but with that unmistakable teasing edge. He wasn’t shy about how he appreciated your body—especially the way your chest would bounce with your every move, drawing his attention.

You raised an eyebrow, fully aware of what he was referring to. “What, you like what you see?” you teased, leaning against the counter. You didn’t mind the attention, not with him. The dynamic between you two had always been relaxed, confident.

Mark grinned, stepping closer, his eyes never leaving you. “Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t,” he replied, his tone playful, but there was that spark in his eyes—he was clearly enjoying watching you, letting the moment linger.

He leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest, but even with his arms folded, his gaze stayed on you. “You know, they’re hard to miss,” he remarked casually, his eyes tracing the curves of your figure.

His casual demeanor was always a bit of a front; while he could act indifferent, it was clear that he was drawn to you. He liked seeing you confident, enjoying your presence without feeling the need to hide his appreciation. He wasn’t a man of many words, but the way his gaze lingered, the way his smile was just a little more mischievous whenever you moved, spoke volumes.

You couldn’t help but chuckle, not so much out of embarrassment, but because of how effortlessly he made you feel at ease about it. “And what are you going to do about it?” you teased, stepping closer to him now.

Mark leaned in, his lips just brushing your ear. “Nothing, unless you want me to,” he whispered, his breath warm against your skin. You could feel the playful tension between you both, but the moment was always on his terms.

He didn’t care much about the teasing or the casual back-and-forth—he just enjoyed you, in every way. Whether it was the bounce of your chest or the way you smiled, he was always going to appreciate what was his. But in the end, he wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it; he didn’t need to. You knew exactly how he felt.

VILTRUMITE MARK

As you walked into the living room, his eyes immediately found you, taking in the soft swell of your chest—one of the many changes the pregnancy had brought. You had been more sensitive lately, and he had noticed the way your posture shifted in discomfort, the way you subtly adjusted your clothes to avoid putting pressure on your growing body.

Mark didn’t hesitate. He stood and moved toward you, his expression soft but serious. His hand moved to gently cup your chest, his touch firm but not possessive, more focused on easing your discomfort. He could feel the fullness beneath his palm, the way your body was changing. He didn’t mind. He never minded your changes—if anything, he found it beautiful.

“How’s that?” he asked, his voice low and calm as he rubbed his thumb over the swell, feeling the tightness there. “I know it’s been uncomfortable for you.”

Your breath hitched a little at the unexpected touch, but it wasn’t sexual—his intent was only to make you feel better, to help alleviate some of the strain you were carrying.

“Better?” he asked again, watching you with a caring, almost protective gaze as his other hand came up to rub your back, gently pressing into the tense muscles.

You nodded, a small sigh escaping you as the pressure began to ease. The pregnancy had made simple things like this more difficult for you, and even though Mark had the strength to lift mountains, he knew how to be gentle when it mattered.

“You’re doing well,” he added quietly, his lips pressing a brief kiss to your forehead before he pulled you closer, wrapping you in his arms as he continued his gentle touch, making sure you felt safe and cared for.

The moment was soft, tender. No grand gestures, no expectations—just him caring for you in a way only he could. You knew he was strong, but you also knew he was just as capable of tenderness when you needed it.

EMPEROR MARK

Mark’s demeanor had always been intense, and it didn’t change when it came to you. He’d never been one to hold back his opinions, especially when it came to things he found particularly… enticing about you. The way your chest moved when you walked, the way it swelled in your clothes—he couldn’t help but notice. To him, there was something commanding about it. You were his, and he didn’t mind the world seeing it.

You were in the middle of adjusting your clothes one morning when Mark entered the room, his eyes immediately locking on to your chest as you bent down, adjusting the fabric. He wasn’t subtle about it; he had no reason to be.

“You look… distractingly good,” he murmured, his voice low, with an edge to it that made your pulse quicken. His eyes didn’t move away from you, locking on to your body with the same intensity he gave to everything he focused on. He approached you, his footsteps slow and purposeful.

Before you could react, he was right behind you, his hand coming to rest against your lower back, pulling you into him. His breath was heavy against your ear as his other hand reached for the side of your chest, gripping it firmly, but not in a way that felt gentle. He wasn’t here for soft caresses; he wanted to remind you that he controlled this.

He didn’t hesitate to rub a thumb over the swell of your breast, feeling the weight of it beneath his hand. His touch wasn’t just possessive—it was commanding, as though he was marking his territory. He wasn’t subtle about how he appreciated you. He wanted you to know exactly what you did to him.

“You like this attention, don’t you?” he asked, his voice tinged with something darker now. His fingers dug deeper into your side, and you could feel the heat of his body pressed up against yours. He wasn’t asking for an answer. It was more of a statement, one that he expected you to agree with.

You tilted your head, trying to hide the fluster in your expression, but you couldn’t deny how the pressure of his touch had you weak in the knees. His hands were a mixture of roughness and control—he wasn’t being delicate, not in the slightest.

“I think you know the answer,” you managed to tease back, but the way you said it only seemed to fuel him more.

Emperor Mark chuckled darkly, his grip tightening as he maneuvered you to face him. His lips hovered dangerously close to your ear, the heat of his breath making you shiver. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he said, before pulling you roughly into a kiss. His hands didn’t move from your chest, exploring what was his with a possessive edge that you knew better than to question.

He didn’t care about gentleness, he didn’t care about subtlety. He liked the roughness, the way it made you feel as though you were at the center of everything. To him, you were his prize, and the way your chest looked in those clothes? It was something for everyone to notice. But more importantly, it was something for him to claim.

Mark wasn’t afraid to be rough. His power was intoxicating, and so was the way he looked at you, as if nothing—nothing at all—was more important than the way you made him feel. He didn’t need to hide it. You were his, and every inch of you was his to appreciate, in whatever way he saw fit.

PRISONER MARK

Mark’s rough demeanor wasn’t just limited to his words or actions; it was in the way he looked at you, especially when you wore something that highlighted your curves. Your chest, in particular, seemed to draw his gaze more often than he let on. He wasn’t shy about it, though. When it came to you, he had no intention of hiding what he liked, and your body, with its perfect fit into his large hands, was one of his favorite things to admire.

It was a lazy afternoon, and you were lounging on the couch, your shirt clinging just right, showing off your curves in all the ways that made Mark’s eyes darken with desire. He was sitting beside you, his large frame taking up most of the couch, and you couldn’t help but notice how his gaze kept flicking to your chest. His hand, resting on the back of the couch, was nearly hovering over you, like he was waiting for the perfect moment to reach out and grab you.

Finally, unable to help himself anymore, he reached out, his rough hand closing around the soft fullness of your breast. It wasn’t gentle—he didn’t care for gentleness when it came to you. His fingers dug in, holding your chest with the kind of possessive strength that made your breath hitch. His hand was large, but it fit perfectly against you, like you were made to be in his grip.

He smirked when he felt you flinch at the touch, and he could tell you were trying to play it cool. You always did, always tried to act unaffected by him, but he could see right through it. “You know, baby,” he growled low, voice rough with that familiar edge of possessiveness, “I fucking love how you fit in my hands.”

He squeezed a little more, and you gasped, feeling the pressure but also the unmistakable heat that spread through your body at his touch. He leaned in closer, his breath warm against your ear as he spoke again, a low, teasing tone in his voice.

“Perfectly,” he muttered, his thumb brushing over the curve of your breast, a move that made your heart race. He didn’t even need to look at your face to know the effect he was having on you. You didn’t need to say a word. The way your body tensed under his touch, the way your breath caught—he could feel all of it.

Mark’s grip tightened, and his eyes darkened as he shifted closer, pulling you slightly toward him. “You know,” he said softly, almost like he was savoring the moment, “You’re mine. Every inch of you. And these,” he gripped your chest again, his thumb and fingers pressing deeply into the soft flesh, “are exactly what I like to have.”

There was no question in his voice, no uncertainty. He wasn’t shy about claiming you, and the way he held you, as though you were an object he owned, only added to the raw intensity of his attraction to you. You were his. Every part of you, even the parts that everyone else only admired, he could touch, claim, and appreciate in ways that made him feel in control.

He chuckled darkly as you squirmed slightly under his touch, still trying to play it cool despite how your body betrayed you. “You can’t hide it from me, sweetheart,” he muttered, pulling you closer, “You like when I touch you, don’t you?”

You could only bite your lip in response, feeling the heat flood your cheeks as you tried to maintain your composure, but the truth was clear in how you reacted to him—how you always did.

SHIESTY MARK

Mark wasn’t the type to hide what he wanted or how he felt—especially when it came to you. If anything, he reveled in his boldness, and the more unapologetic he could be, the better. And your chest? Well, let’s just say it was one of his favorite things. He wasn’t one to be shy about his attraction to you, and the way he showed it made that more than clear.

One night, as the two of you were lying together in bed, you could feel the weight of his gaze, even in the dark. The two of you had been lounging, and as usual, Mark was being his typical cocky self. It wasn’t long before he had his hand resting on your chest, casually cupping your breast as if it was the most natural thing in the world. The touch wasn’t soft or careful—it was possessive, rough, and full of that familiar arrogance he wore so well.

“God damn,” he muttered, his voice thick with something darker than usual, “these things are too good, babe.” His hand gave a gentle squeeze, almost like he was marking his territory. He chuckled lowly, his fingers digging into the soft flesh, enjoying the feel of you beneath him.

You tried to shift in bed, not really used to his boldness when it came to things like this. You didn’t say anything, though—he didn’t expect you to. He didn’t care what you said, really. It was the way you reacted that mattered. And right now? You could feel the heat rising to your cheeks as he lightly squeezed again.

“Don’t even try to hide it,” he growled, his breath hot on your neck. “I know you like it when I get my hands on you like this.” He could feel you tense beneath him, and it only made him smirk wider. “You always try to act so innocent, but I know the truth.”

As the night wore on, Mark didn’t pull his hand away. He didn’t care how it looked or if it made you uncomfortable. Hell, he liked it when you squirmed a little. It was just his way of showing you who you belonged to. You could tell by the way his fingers moved—caressing, squeezing, and lightly massaging your chest—that he was getting comfortable with this. Maybe even too comfortable.

He wasn’t gentle, but he wasn’t too rough either. His hand stayed right there, claiming you in the most casual way possible, like it was just another part of his nightly routine. He wanted to show you that he didn’t need anything elaborate to show his affection—just you, your body, and his hands doing exactly what he pleased with you.

Eventually, when the two of you settled into sleep, Mark’s hand stayed where it was, cupping your breast in the same possessive way. His grip was firm, his fingers slightly digging into the flesh as if to keep you close to him.

You could feel his breath slow down, and the weight of his hand felt strangely comforting. But deep down, you knew that Mark wasn’t just being affectionate. No, he was marking his territory, as usual—letting you know, in his own vulgar, cocky way, that you were his. You weren’t surprised when you woke up in the morning to find his hand still resting there, still holding you as though he owned every part of you. It was a simple gesture, but in true Shiesty Mark fashion, it came with a sense of possessiveness that no one else could match.

TAG LIST: @onlybatsyy

[yumeka-sxf]

Japanese Linguistic Observations in Spy x Family - part 7

Part 7 - Supporting character musings – other characters

As mentioned in Part 6 where I focused on the Eden kids, today I'll be discussing the supporting adult characters in SxF. Like with the Eden kids, I'm only going to be touching on a few characters who I think have the most notable things to say as far as the Japanese version.

Starting with Yuri, if you've ever watched the SxF anime in Japanese, you've probably heard him shout his signature 姉さん! ("Nee-san!") whenever he sees Yor, with 姉さん meaning "older sister." It's standard in Japanese for younger siblings to address older siblings with these kinds of terms rather than by their actual names.

We saw another example of this in the previous post where Damian calls Demetris 兄貴 ("aniki") which means "Big Bro." While it's normal in English for a younger sibling to call an older sister "Big Sis" or "Sis" or something like that, it's not something one would do as consistently as in Japanese. So even though Yuri only ever calls Yor "Nee-san" in the Japanese version, the official English manga will fluctuate. Sometimes it'll have him say "Sis" while other time he'll just say "Yor."

I can sort of understand this decision as it is less common in English for siblings to address each other like this all the time. Interestingly, the official anime subtitles are more consistent. I haven't checked every example, but it seems like they have him say "Sis" more often, at least in scenes where the manga doesn't.

When it comes to Yuri's nickname for Loid, in the Japanese version he calls Loid ロッテイ("Loidy" or "Loitte"). This originated from when Yuri first visited the Forgers and, in a drunken haze, demanded to know what nicknames Yor used for Loid, with this being one of two he "suggested" (the other being ロイロイ or "Loi-Loi"). Ironic how he ended up being the only one to use the nickname!

What's kind of weird is that the English manga translations have him call Loid the other of the two nicknames, "Loi-Loi," instead. Not a big deal as it doesn't change the meaning of anything, but still odd.

And of course, there's Yuri's nickname for Anya, チワワ娘 ("chihuahua girl"), which I discussed in detail in Part 5 if you haven't yet read it.

Moving onto Fiona, similar to Yuri, she has her signature term that she always uses for her "special" person – for Twilight, she refers to him as 先輩 ("senpai"). If you're into other aspects of Japanese pop-culture, you're probably familiar with the term "senpai," which is used to address someone who's your senior. It can either be used on its own (calling someone "senpai") or as an honorific (calling someone by their name+senpai). It's commonly used in school settings with students calling upperclassmen "senpai." It's used in work settings as well to address senior coworkers who are older than you and/or have been at the job longer. There's actually another example of "senpai" used in SxF – Yor's coworkers call her "senpai" or "Yor-senpai." They don't call each other "senpai," only Yor, which to me indicates that Yor has been working at City Hall longer than them.

Unfortunately there's no consistently good translation of "senpai" in English, at least not one that would sound natural to use in the same way as Japanese. Because of this, it's often omitted in English translations and replaced with just the character's name. Going back to Fiona, even though the English translations have her call Twilight just "Twilight," she always calls him "senpai" in the Japanese version.

Another thing to note is that, when she needs to be in her undercover role as a nurse who works with "Dr. Forger," she calls him 先生 ("sensei"), which is the term used for a teacher, doctor, or professor.

And lastly, I wanted to talk briefly about Melinda. Along with Becky, she's the only other reoccurring character to use feminine speech in most situations, which is defined by adding softening interjections at the end of sentences, like "ne" (ね), "no" (の), and especially "wa" (わ). It makes sense since she's a lady of high society, as well as being from a family of political influence, so she has a dignified persona to upkeep.

She also calls Yor "Yor-chan," with "-chan" being an honorific used among female friends. She called her "Yor-chan" fairly soon after they met, which shows how fond she was of Yor right away. Makes me even more excited to see what developments there will be for "Plan C" in the future!

<- Return to Part 6

[fandomtherapy44]

Leading moments Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader PT2

Summary: Y/n and Spencer have been dating for a while now. And everything is amazing, just one thing. The subject of fun times in bed is hanging in the air. So Y/n finally decides to cut through the air.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem! reader

WC: 2,220

Warnings: SMUT 18+, language, a Little bit of dom Spenc, talk about bullying and name-calling

Reblog Banner & divider

& 18+ banner

cafekitsune

Here is Pt 1 if you're interested

Reid and I have been dating for three months now, and they have been amazing. I have never felt more love in my entire life. There is just one thing: we haven't had a fun time in bed, not to be crass. And there is nothing wrong with that, it’s just the longer that we avoid this part of our relationship, the more I fear that he’s not attracted to me like that. And I have been throwing every hint in the book at him. Like the other day, after a tough case, I suggested that maybe we should give each other a massage, and then he proceeded to tell me the benefits of massages. I love that man, but sometimes I want to throw him out the window.

“So, how has dating Mr. Genius been going?” Gracia asked me as we sat down for our daily get-together coffee before our very busy day.

“It’s been amazing, Spencer is so romantic. The other day, he surprised me with two tickets to the museum of art and language!” 

“Who knew Wonder Boy had game. And how’s the sex been?” Gracia just openly asks at a normal level, making me spit out my coffee and cough.

“Gracia! You can’t just ask that!” I wipe the now-spilled coffee off my shirt.

“Okay fine… how’s the fun time in bed going?” She raises her eyebrows up and down.

“Actually, it’s not going and I’m getting worried. That he doesn’t like me in that way.” 

“Oh, sweetie, I promise you it’s not that. Reid is head over heels in love with you, and he checks you out every time you leave the room. He tries to hide, but he doesn't have much practice, I guess.”

“Really? Then what’s the problem? Because I've practically been screaming that I want him with all my lace PJs and touches to his inner thighs.” I cross my arms in frustration.

“With Reid, he is a pure fact man, so unless you spell it out, I don’t think he’s going to get it, and trust me with the way he looks at you, he wants it.” 

Okay, this is the night! We've had a whole day just to ourselves, no psycho killers stopping us, thankfully. I'm just going to say it to him point blank, period, hopefully I don’t chicken out. We're in the middle of a movie and we’re holding hands, okay, here I go.

“Hey, Reid.” He turns his head to me.

“Mhh?” 

“I don’t think I got enough kisses today.”

He chuckles and leans down to me. “I think I can fix that.” He leans in and gives me a sweet, short kiss before I can really pull him in, damnit!

“Maybe one more?” I look up at him with bedroom eyes, but he still doesn't seem to see it.

“Of course, anything for you.” This time, I put my hands around his neck to pull him into my body. I kiss his upper lip like it’s soft-served vanilla ice cream. He seems to like it. Time for the kill. I gently push my tongue forward. He takes the bait. Our tongues gently come together in a beautiful dance. We let go, breathing heavily. 

“I want you,” I whisper. At that, he backs away. “Reid, are you okay? I’m sorry if I pushed you too much. If it’s that-”

“No, no, it’s not. I'm most comfortable with you.” 

“Okay… Are you a… virgin? Cause if you are, that’s totally fi-”

“I'm not a virgin.”

“Then I don’t understand what the problem is?” He sighs.

“In college, I was freshly nineteen and even at one of the most sought-after Ivy League schools, I was still a nerd. So no girl would even look at me, and then one day a girl named Bella Carn asked me on a date, and one thing led to another, we had sex. I thought it was great, but apparently, I was just a joke and bet to her. She posted on the school board about how I was and laughed to her friends that I was small and horrible. Everyone knew I couldn't go anywhere without being called pencil.” He finishes looking down.

“Wow what a fucking bitch, Spenc I understand if you don’t want to but I want you, all of you I promise you I won’t laugh, I won’t gossip, I will make you feel everything you make me feel.” I grab his hand and rub small circles.

“Really?”

“Spencer Reid, you are the most attractive man I have ever met, with how smart and kind you are, not to mention your whole appearance. When I was drunk that one time, my sober thoughts came out and I meant every word.” His cheeks burned, remembering what I had said.

“I have the same thoughts about you.” He says to me, and it makes my heart beat fast, It makes me happy about what I was thinking earlier.

“Then how about we go slow, and if you want to stop, we will.” I give him a sweet kiss. That he deepens. I slowly lower myself onto the couch with him on top of me. Our tongues meet again. This time in a fiery passion. I circle his mouth, memorizing it like a map. We dislocate a string of saliva between our lips. 

“Can I… go on your neck?” Spenc asks hesitantly.

“You can do whatever you want, Doc.” He starts to kitten lick my neck. And stops at a specific spot. And sucks down, I grab his shirt. He bites down hard.

“Shit! Spenc.” Who knew Spencer Reid would be a little dominant?

“Sorry.”

“No, babe, it’s great, keep going please.” And he does, he lets up and licks to soothe. Yup, definitely a hickie there now. He takes off his shirt, and he has more muscle than he lets on, must be all those textbooks. I also take off mine.

“And I thought I saw true beauty in Mona Lisa. I was wrong.” He says. Staring at me.

“Okay, chessball, can we take off our pants now?” He shakes his head vigorously. We go back to kissing, I’m so enraptured by it that I don’t feel his hand inching its way to my panties. He pets my slit through the fabric. I moan through our lips. He goes up and down slowly, gathering moisture through my underwear. He slips his hand in. Finding the little nub of nerves that makes anyone explode. He circles it, making the alphabet. Stroking it teasingly, motherfucker knew what he was doing. The finger trails up and down my slit and keeps on skipping over where I want it. His other hand goes to my bra and pulls my bra up and rubs my nipples, which are now standing tall from the cold in the air and the heat combined between us. 

“So fucking angelic.” Spencer mubles, making my cheeks burn red. He then gets one of his best ideas ever. And goes down on my tit. Swirling his tongue around my nipple tugging on it lightily making enough desaouilsy sour pain that went right to my pussy. He then puts his finger in. And his fingers are long and thick. It starts to pump in.

“Ahh fuck! Spencer!” 

“Do you like that?”

“Yes, yes, I do.” He goes deeper with that. Twirling his finger around my warm velvet walls, touching all the right places. At this point, wetness is just seeping out. Then he starts to go faster in and out. I was rocking my body with him. He somehow slips in another. They just keep going faster. I start to clench around them.

“Spenc Im going to-” I didn’t even get to finish talking before I cummed. He looked at his fingers, and they were shining in the lamp light. He stares at them for a moment and almost hesitantly licks them. He pauses for a second and sucks on them. 

“Spencer?” No guy had ever acted like that, and not going to lie it was hot. He doesn't answer me and kisses me again, tongue shooting straight in. I could taste myself, and I was getting turned on again from it. I moved my hand down to his briefs and felt his bulge through the fabric, poor boy. “Did you get turned on from fingering me?” I asked between the passion-filled kisses.

“Uh… yes, is that okay?” 

“Spencer Reid I could marry you right now.” In that my hand slipped in the briefs. “Now it’s my turn.” I whisper in his ear, nipping at his earlobe.

“Y/n, you don’t have to.” He almost moaned as I stroked his cock. This guy had so much pent-up sexual frustration that he would probably pop if I pumped it once. We’ll have to change that. 

“Reid, I want to, now you lay back, Doc, it’s my time to take care of you.” He leans back on the couch as I get on my knees. I pull down his briefs and his swollen red cock is alredy leaking precum. I guess fingering me really did turn him on. “Now I’m going to go slow. Tell me if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

He nods. “Okay.” I spit in my hand and I pump it very carefully. He tenses but he’s still good. I go up and down while keeping eye contact with him making sure that I very much want to this. “Can I give you a blowjob?” 

“When uh that girl did it, she gagged and said it was disgusting.” 

“I promise I won’t do that.”

“Then… yes, please.” I smile, lean down, and it fully goes in. And it’s fucking big and pulseing in my mouth. Pencil my ass. I start to go up and down. Tongue licks all over. I go to fondle his balls and he loves that. I start to suck on it like a popsicle. He starts to pump in. And before I know it he came in my mouth. I swallow i.t. He slides out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry… I” 

“It’s okay Reid the more we do it the more youre body will get use to it.”

“THe more we do it?”

“Yup so we can do it a lot if you-”

“Yes.” He quickly says. “And I uh I still want to have sex tonight if you want.”

“Oh, definitely, because that just turned me on even more. And I'm clean and on the pill, so if you're good, I don’t want a condom.” I shimmy off my panties and sit on his lap. We start to make out again. I take my hand and grab his cock to hold it up.

“I'm going to sink down, okay?” He just nods. I move his cock over my folds and even just the teasing I want to scream. I push it in and slink down.

“Ahh, Oh my gosh, you're big.” I breathlessly let out. His cock strenchs through my walls with a little burn but it was good.

“Yeah… I am?” He was trying to hold it together because as soon as he entered me, he wanted to pound up. His hand go to grab my ass. It’s adjusting quite well.

“I'm going to start moving kay.” I grab his shoulders and I go up and down with ease. To be honest, it’s been a while for me, too, and no sex toy will ever be a replacement for the real thing. He is gripping my hips, trying not to junt up.

“How is it, baby?” I ask in a whisper-moan voice. He can barely respond.

“It’s… incredible, so wet and warm gripping me like it never wants to let go.” He gets out, looking at our connected bodies. I rise up and go back down ever so slightly. I put my hands on his shoulders to steady myself. Having his cock in me felt incedibale. With each push up my pussy keeps on gripping him. His cock veins added a texture that I never knew I needed. 

“I'm going to speed up, okay?” I say in his ear, and he nods. I start to make small baonces so we can both feel it at the same time. Wet, sinful sounds fill the room. Adding to our arousal, I bring our lips back together and slide our tongues together. He moans into my mouth sucking on my tongue from the plesure growing between us. Fingers go up to my chest to squeeze, and at that, my whole system gets flooded with a new sensation. His other ones go to my clit.

“Fuck Spenc I’m going to cum…” I somehow get out through our heavy breaths.

“Me too…” At that, I bring myself fully up and go down realseling us both. I slide off of him. 

“You were… I don’t even know the words, Spencer.” We were now laying next to each other the air thick with the smell of sweat and sex.

“You think so, I… I read things about the woman's experience of sex, so when we did do this, I could make you feel good.” This small confession adds another reason why I love this man.

I bring him in a slow, sweet kiss, putting all my emotion into it. “I love you, Spencer Reid.” 

[whereispearlescentmoon]

Hermit-A-Day Day 9: Outfit Swap

A reminder that these are both individual bits of writing that can be read on their own and supplemental material for my fic Glitch .

This one is going to be a little different due to the nature of the prompt! It is, however, something I may make into a longer fic soon because I’m graduating and I’ll have a couple months of doing nothing.

@hermitadaymay

Investigative notes on repeated incidents of clothing theft around the server, taken by the Admin.

Season: 10

Victims: ZombieCleo, ImpulseSV, Skizzleman, JoeHills, CubFan135, Tangotek, Ethoslab, and Geminitay

Initial Incident Report: A number of Hermits around the server have reported articles of clothing have gone missing. The missing items are as follows-

ZombieCleo- One cropped blue t-shirt

ImpulseSV- Three black t-shirts with an i symbol

Skizzleman- One sleeveless white undershirt

JoeHills- One green cardigan

CubFan135- Two black t-shirts, plain

TangoTek- One white t-shirt and one red hoodie

Ethoslab- Two long-sleeve black t-shirts, both with Canada patches

Geminitay- Three green sweaters

Were this only one Hermit, I might think they were just being forgetful. But with this many reports over a couple of months, I can’t help but think someone is pulling a prank. Or clothing hoarding which is an issue we’ve had before. Doc has apparently heard about what is going on and has asked that I investigate because whoever it is may also be the “ore snatcher” whatever that means. Bdubs has offered to take the case to court when I find out who it is.

Update: I’ve compiled a list of Hermits who are possible suspects. The most likely thieves are Grian, Pearl, False, and Ren. Everyone else either lives too far away from most of the victims or is too particular about their clothes to be stealing any. I feel I can probably cross Grian and False off the list, though. All of what was stolen would have to be modified for them to wear it with their wings. Grian has also been lectured about clothing theft before. Multiple times. Maybe I should keep him on the list actually. Anyways, that leaves just Pearl and Ren. I might have to do a snoop around their bases. Or talk to them like a normal person but that’s less fun.

Case Resolution: Well, the suspect ended up showing herself without any further prodding. Namely, Pearl showed up to our last Hermit meeting clearly half asleep (we can only accommodate our nocturnal members so much and today was an unfortunate afternoon meeting) and wearing what is evidently her pajamas. Which is to say, she was wearing Impulse’s clearly branded shirt underneath Joe’s cardigan. Both were too short on her, though the t-shirt was baggy.

She wasn’t even trying to hide it, just arrived in other Hermit’s clothes. Impulse and Joe clearly did not know she had these items as they asked about them after the meeting and she said she thought they “wouldn’t mind them being gone”. The other Hermits with missing clothes then inquired about their own and, yeah, Pearl has them all. None of us noticed because she wears her Postal uniform normally but apparently all of her pajama tops are the missing items. She showed her “stash” to the group after the meeting.

While normally this case would be resolved by the returning of the items, multiple of the victims have deemed Pearl’s behavior “adorable” and have chosen to not prosecute her further.

Impulse told Pearl that she’s always welcome to his things, which apparently they spoke about last season. Skizz hugged her so hard I worried he might break a rib. JoeHills… well he didn’t really seem bothered in the first place, more curious. Cub said Pearl could always “pop across [their] bridge” if she needed more. Tango and Etho insisted to her that it’s part of her payment for being such a good postmaster. Gem said she could keep the sweaters “forever” so long as she promised to wear them to sleepovers. Even Cleo seemed only mildly annoyed and said Pearl could keep her shirt because “it’s not that big a deal anyways, I’m sure you look great it in”. I am utterly baffled.

There seems to be absolutely no discussion of retribution among the group, as this seems to have not been a prank but Pearl swiping articles of clothes when she was at their bases earlier in the season.

Note to self: Investigate whether Pearl might have some supernatural powers of suggestion? If any other Hermit did this I think they would be brought to court.

[celticcrossanon]

BRF Reading - 9th of May, 2025

This is speculation only

Cards Drawn on the 9th of May, 2025

Question: What is Prince William planning to do about the Harkles (when he has the power to do so)?

Note: I drew four cards for this reading, one for each area of website, HRH, Prince/Princess, and Duke/Duchess, and then there are two cards as a coda at the end.

Edited: I had the King of Wands the wrong way around in the image! He is properly reversed now. :)

Interpretation: Prince William plans to remove anything that could link Harry (and hence Meghan) to the working royals and 'The Firm'.

Underlying Energy: The Page of Swords in reverse

Pages are communication, messages. In reverse they are usually bad news. Swords relates to thoughts, communication, legal issues, medical issues, and the internet (Swords is the suit of Air and the Internet is very much an Air concept). As the underlying energy this tells me that what Prince William does to Harry will be seen as bad news, and it will be communicated everywhere by the Internet, so Harry and Meghan won't be able to hide from it or suborn it into their narrative. The news will be out there: this is what we have done and this is what it means.

Swords are sharp, so this will definitely be a cutting out of some sort. It will be cold and logical, and not swayed by emotion (Swords are all about logical thought).

The figure on the card is one of the Greek Gods of wind, and the wind reaches everywhere, so everyone will know about this.

The image that is coming to my mind is when the Royal House of Sweden rearranged their titles, or when the Danish Royal House removed titles from all but the direct line. It's going to be a rearrangement that is similar to those, I think - something that affects the entire royal family, so Harry and Meghan can't play the victim card.

So with that general energy behind the cards, let's look at the specifics.

Card One: The Website: 3 of Cups in reverse

The Three of Cups is a card of celebration, friendship, group events, community. In the reverse, it is not being part of the community, being cut out of the group, scandal, scandal, gossip, and isolation.

With respect to the website, this card says that It will be made very clear that Harry (and Meghan, as his wife) are not part of the BRF (the group/community), they are not friends with the BRF, they have no part in the BRF celebrations or group events. They are out. This could be done by taking them off the website, or by moving them to a separate page for people who left their jobs as working royals (they could put Prince Andrew on this page as well). However it is done, it will be made crystal clear that Harry and his wife are no longer part of the BRF.

The image on this card shows a wedding, and a wedding in reverse is a break up of a relationship, a divorce. I have two thoughts on this: First, being excluded like this may be the push that Harry needs and he will divorce Meghan in an attempt to get back in with the BRF (which in my opinion will not work - they may give him a place to live in exile but he will never be a working royal again), or second, that there will be some sort of scandal that comes out during their divorce that means they have to be taken off the website, no matter who the monarch is at that time (Charles or William).

Card Two: The HRH styles: Four of Swords

Note: Harry gets the HRH style because of his birth. Meghan gets it because she is married to Harry. Whatever happens to Harry will determine how Meghan can use the style. If he loses it, so does she. By Letters Patent that already exist, if they divorce, Meghan loses the HRH style. see https://www.tumblr.com/letterspatentbrf/181920603168/letters-patent-for-the-use-of-hrh-for-former-wives?source=share

The Four of Swords is a death card. Whatever happens to the HRH style, it is going to e seen as a death, a loss, by Harry and Meghan.

As well as being a death card, the Four of Swords is a card about retiring from the world to rest/recuperate/lick your wounds after a defeat. The HRH styles are supposed to be retired at the moment, but Harry and Meghan keep dragging them put and using them. Either the retirement of the styles will be strictly enforced or they will be removed forever. Either alternative fits the meaning of this card.

If Prince William is going for a 'reform the whole family' approach, instead of a 'single out Harry (and hence Meghan) approach, then whatever he does to Harry will eventually fall on Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis as they are not the heir to the throne. I can see Prince William wanted to annihilate Harry but at the same time not wanting to do that to his children, who have done nothing wrong. It's a question of being just and being fair, which are very much Sword suit issues. Prince William will also be concerned with the effects on family members who have served faithfully but who are now retired or close to being retired (for example The Duke and Duchess of Kent, The Duke and Duchess of Gloucester).

The answer might be, instead of removing the HRH from everyone who is not a direct heir, to remove the use of it from everyone who is not a working royal and strictly enforce this somehow, so if people decide to become working royals (like Lady Louise) then they are HRH, if they are not working royals then they are not HRH. I don't know if that is what is going to happen, or whether the HRH will be taken from everyone except the heirs, or whether something else will be done. It will definitely be something that Harry and Meghan see as a death, but it may be a strictly enforced retirement rather than a complete removal.

Card Three: The Prince/Princess titles: The Ace of Pentacles

Note: Harry is the one who bears the Prince style because of his birth. Meghan can be called Princess Henry or Princess Harry because she is his wife. Whatever happens to Harry's title will be reflected in what title Meghan can use.

The Ace of Pentacles is about new beginnings - new financial opportunities, mew material things, and a new social status. It is a card of stability and security.

This card tells me that Harry (and hence Meghan) is going to get either a new title or a changed status to go with his old title, and as per the underlying energy he and Meghan are not going to be happy about this. This change will bring security and stability to the BRF and it is not going to be changed back any time soon. It will be a permanent change, no matter how many temper tantrums Harry throws.

As to how this could be implemented, the most obvious way is to follow the Scandinavian example and have the direct heirs to the throne called Crown Prince or Crown Princess, and all other family members are simply Prince or Princess. That makes it quite clear who is going to be the monarch one day and who is not.

Alternatively, the title of Prince/Princess could be used by working royals and removed from non working royals, like how Lady Louise is entitled to be HRH Princess Louise but has chosen to continue with being Lady Louise, the title her parent s chose for her at her birth.

It could also be something entirely different.

Whatever route Prince William takes, there will be a change in the status of Harry (and thence Meghan), and given the underlying energy it will not be a good change.

Card Four: The Duke/Duchess of Sussex titles: King of Wands in reverse

Note: Harry is the one who was created The Duke of Sussex. Meghan gets to use the courtesy title of The Duchess of Sussex because she is his wife. Currently, if the divorce, Meghan can use the title Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, but there is nothing stopping the monarch from issuing a Letters Patent to change this.

The King of Wands is a fair sign person, especially a Leo. It is in the reverse, so this person is going to be reduced or overshadowed in some way, and given that this card is about the Duke/Duchess title, this means that someone will lose that title.

The energy I am getting from this card is Meghan. I think that Meghan is going to be stripped of the Duchess of Sussex title and it will be a huge blow to her ego. Whether this is because Harry loses his Duke of Sussex title or whether it is because they divorce, I don't know, although I am inclining slightly towards divorce. What I am getting from this card is a very upset Meghan raging about the loss of her status (Duchess title), so whatever happens with Harry, Meghan will be gone.

In the general sense, the King of Wands is a charismatic leader. In the reverse, that is taken away, and they become either a domineering bully and/or powerless to do anything. If Harry does lose his Duke of Sussex title, then I can see him becoming even more of a bully in his personal life while losing all the power that the title currently gives him in business deals. However, this is a minor energy, the main energy of this card - 99% - is a furious Meghan raging at the blow to her ego from the loss of her Duchess title.

Cards Five and Six: Coda: Hermit in reverse, Knight of Pentacles in reverse

These two cards show the end result of Prince William's actions. The both represent Harry - the Hermit is the major arcana card for Virgo and the Knight of Pentacles is the minor arcana card for Virgo, and Harry is a sun sign Virgo - and they are both in reverse. This tells me, very clearly, twice over, that in both his public life (Major Arcana) and his private life (Minor Arcana) Harry is going to be reduced, weakened, overshadowed, made powerless etc (cards in reverse). Whatever Prince William does to him is going to be both thorough and effective. Harry may react by being both lazy and grabbing at all the dodgy get-rich-quick schemes he can find (Knight of Pentacles in reverse) and/or by telling everyone how lonely he is, lashing out at the BRF in a fit of public rejection, or even having a complete (woo-woo drug fuelled) mental breakdown (Hermit in reverse), but he will be reduced in status and there will be no change from that. Prince William is not going to coddle him and he is not going to back down on this matter,

Conclusion:

It looks like Prince William will remove or demote Harry and Meghan on the website, remove their HRH or strictly enforce its non use, reduce their status around the Prince title, and remove the Duchess title from Meghan somehow (and possibly Harry as well, I don't know about him as Meghan's energy dominated this card). Whatever he does will leave Harry (and hence Meghan) permanently reduced in status. It will be made clear that these are not members of the BRF. That message - reduced status, not part of 'The Firm' - will be spread far and wide over the internet so Harry and Meghan can not refute it in any way, although of course they will try to twist things to claim their status back, which will not work.

[rottnsx]

the lies i loved.    part two for until the battery died.

brief JJ comes back after faking his death in Morocco.

pair dorkling!reader x jj maybank

ALERT fluff, pure fluff, no smut but slight angst. depression. survivor's guilt, emotional distress, grief, suicidal thoughts, please read with caution. this involves no spoilers, this is just me fulfilling the fantasy that jackson maybank is actually alive and not dead no matter what you all say!! dorkling pov with a happy ending. Dorkling has depressio

It had been months since they buried the boy loved, and turned him into another statistic. Just another recorded number to the death rates of Kildare. But I knew him. He was more than that.

I watched him be buried. And they asked me to be alright with it. To go through those five stages of grief and come out like a shiny pearl.

Current update on that to myself? I don't even believe in it.

How can there be five stages when what I felt was so much more than just an odd number of stages?

I was dying.

And as much as I wanted to go back to shore, get out of the deep end, find myself again…

I did it all. I did everything right.

And everything felt wrong. That empty hole in my heart just kept deepening and I was pretty sure it went through it.

I sat at the room, and it felt like the walls were crashing in to suffocate me, and I felt that feeling of claustrophobia sinking in.

My skin pricked against the atmosphere, like someone was touching me. Like the gravity was going to remind me of how suffocated and small I felt in that very moment, sitting in that room, in a circle full of people with their own problems.

I never felt so dull. My eyes had no life, that spark of curiosity, the thirst for knowledge. All gone, it vanished.

I lost myself when I lost JJ.

I was no longer myself.

The girl with the Harvard dreams? I hardly recognise her.

Maybe, she was somewhere in that big library in Harvard, her eyes skimming through the books, standing on a high chair to reach.

Maybe her JJ was able to live long enough to see her graduate from Harvard. Maybe he was there to celebrate with her on her success, on getting into her dream college. Maybe, just maybe, he was simply there.

Did he bring her flowers on her day?

Did he stay up long hours trying to get her sleep from those late night study sessions he told her not to go to?

Did he stay up for movie nights with her even if they were miles apart?

I would've loved that...

I dropped out of Harvard.

He would've had that frown on his face, his eyebrows would've furrowed, but he wouldn't have sugarcoated his words.

I would've wanted him to do so anyways. I didn't take it to be insulting, it was constructive criticism in my eyes. I never took his words to offence..

Now they were killing me. Because it reminded me of how deep I'd fallen from the girl with big dreams and Harvard skylines.

What happened to you?

What happened to Harvard?

What are you doing to yourself?

I hiccup, tears falling down my cheeks like rapid waves. My breath catching in my throat, and it was like it was stuck.

Was the universe trying to make me physically suffocated now?

"Miss, it's your turn." A woman calls to me, but my head was set downward, and I looked like one of those little girls that haunt people in their nightmares.

"Miss?" My head snaps up at the firm tone of her voice, and I nod, muttering a sorry.

My hands trembled a bit as I gripped both my knees, my eyes downward. I nod again, taking a deep breath.

"Well.." I let out a sigh. "There was a boy." I say. "And I know it's a bit of a cliche, about this whole thing about young love, and how it never lasts, and the whole high school sweetheart theory really contradicts every word—" I pause, realising I'm rambling about the wrong thing.

"His name was JJ." I whisper, like saying it at a normal tone was going to break me physically. "And I loved him so much." It sounded almost inaudible, but my voice was cracking.

"And we weren't a cliche." I murmur. "Or average. He..— he wasn't average." I shook my head, like I was making a whole persuasive letter about how therapy sessions and anti-depressants weren't going to make me any less depressed. "I would verbally counter argue anyone who does say he's just like any other boy."

"Sometimes.. he did the wrong thing. Irrational decisions. Impulsive. Stupid." I smile to myself, not noticing how everyone looked at me with pity.

"He's such an idiot, and had horrible dyslexia, I could cry, god." I laugh to myself. "But it was so him." I whisper. “And I loved changing fonts to Arial so he could read them.”

"And he died and didn't let me go first." My voice goes hoarse. "But I think I'm already dead. It wouldn't have made a difference... I've got nothing to lose anymore.”

”How do you love someone so much.. y-you lose yourself with him?” My voice shatters. “He didn’t have to take me with him. I could’ve gone first for the both of us.”

”And now I’ve gone insane. I literally talk to myself, because I see him, everyday, and everyone thinks I’m crazy. Pope thinks I’m crazy, I’m seeing things. And I’m not ill, he was there—” I point at the door, shaking my head, and I lose all my breath when I actually see him there.

”See! I’m not crazy!” I sob.

I glances, stares fully. And it felt so real I could felt the feeling of panic coming through. Standing was JJ, and he looked so alive for a guy constantly appearing when my hallucinations surface.

Moments later, when the session was over, I walks back, seeing him there still. I knew it. Everyone had me going crazy. Calling it a figment of my imagination when really he was there all along. Making me believe I was insane for thinking the dead can in fact come alive.

And the first thing I did? I slapped him on the face. Multiple times. And he didn't stop me. Like he knew he deserved it for lying to me this entire time.

He just held me, his eyes closed. He didn't care I was hitting him and slapping him, he just buried his face in my neck, like it was home.

"You—" I swat his chest. "Idiot!" I hit his chest with my palm. And then I cry, hugging him and JJ hugs me back, shushing me everytime I trembled from sobbing so much.

"I am not crazy!" I exclaim and he nods. "You're not." He mutters, and I see he's crying, and I hug him tightly. He mutters sorry over and over again.

"But you made me think I was." My voice cracks, wrapping my arms around him, my head on his chest and I see that guilty frown on his face.

And I couldn't stay mad at him at all.

Not when he just came back to me.

"If you ever leave me." I say pointing a finger close to my face. "And fake your death for sport." I let out a breath that shudders from the amount of tears I split. "I will put all the fonts back to cursive."

"And chuck that stupid Motor-3xm!" I exclaim, stomping a foot.

His eyes widened in alarm at that first part, but his mouth fell agape at the second part. "The motorbike?" JJ's eyes went wide.

"JJ!" I exclaim. "Okay, okay, fine, no motorbike." He says in a hurry, hugging her back quickly so she would forget about all the consequences he had to suffer.

"No motorbike. I swear ill behave myself, don't do that. I'll tie my shoelaces and brush my hair everyday, and put my own clothes in the laundry and, learn how to do a tie." JJ murmurs like he was in a rush. "I'll learn my manners too. I'll learn the library voices. And I'll listen to you talk about Shakespeare."

"It was Sylvia Plath!" My arms crossed.

"That's what I said." He says defensively.

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did." He says.

"JJ!"

"Okay, I lied, I'm sorry. I'll let you do a haircut." He says quickly, before he could stop himself.

"Really?" My eyes light up.

"Really." He smiles, seeing the light in my eyes for the first time.

[mizuki-foreshadowing]

And Now, I Wear This Ribbon; Episode 7

This episode is about Mizuki and Ena's first music video they make as a team. It gives us a real look into the intersection of Mizuki's work with Ena's, but it also shows what happens when they're on the wrong page about the meaning of a song. Interestingly, we see Mizuki feel uninspired to work because Ena's on a different page than her. Whether we no longer see that anymore is from Mizuki feeling but no longer sharing it or if she and Ena are still in sync about Kanade's music even as they fall out of sync with each other, is left ambiguous.

Mizuki listens to Kanade's song, and it's a mix of turbulent emotion and falls to silence. Mizuki interprets it as when one is too in pain emotionally to do anything more than nothing at all.

Ena's just as inspired by the song. Ena's more happy than anything else to be freed from her art block after losing her identity as an artist making her want to disappear; Kanade's music makes her feel and want to draw again. But, Ena's interpretation is wildly different from Mizuki's, and Mizuki feels disheartened about how to turn Ena's art into a music video Mizuki feels inspired to express herself through the hard work of.

(afterward, privately)

Mizuki wants to make Ena's sketch work for the video, and she has plenty of good ideas for how to do things with it to use it to convey different emotions, but the problem here is Mizuki feels erased. Mizuki is inspired by Kanade's song, but she has to make something using an interpretation that she feels nothing about. It stops feeling like her work, and she's no longer expressing the emotions in her heart that the song awakened.

Ena, who's used to Mr. Yukihira hating her art, is sensitive to the subtle signs that Mizuki hadn't liked what she saw, and contacts her.

As she goes on, Ena's frustration with her art and with herself comes back, and she gets angry though only indirectly at Mizuki; Mizuki isn't the only person who needs this song. Ena as a person can't be happy with a painting she makes for a song if the person making art with it doesn't like it.

Mizuki considers being honest, but her own experiences hold her back. Earlier when deciding not to contact Ena that she doesn't get her interpretation, Mizuki had flashed back to cruel comments classmates had made about not understanding her nor bothering to.

But, something tells Mizuki that Ena might be more like Rui than like those students. This is because Mizuki already feels a kindship with Ena over the pain Ena's clearly struggling with too, pain being what she bonded with Rui over.

She trusts Ena but she's terrified to, all the same.

They discuss the specific type of pain the song conveys, and Mizuki reflects to herself about how it felt getting relentlessly othered by her classmates; of course she's upset, of course she wants to scream, but it's something constant and unchanging, almost mundane now, and Mizuki's tired.

Mizuki struggles to get Ena to understand, but Ena can't. Ena's always been honest and direct with her emotions; if she hates something or if she wants to scream, she's going to do it, even or especially if it's at another person. She'd even vented a little of that anger on Mizuki earlier, and this is just before the two reach their moment of connection in this episode and decide to be familiar with each other instead of formal.

Ena fundamentally doesn't get how Mizuki can feel so much pain but resign herself to not expressing it. But one part, she does connect on.

Ena doesn't realize it, but she's already where Mizuki is. After quitting her art class, her pain and lack of identity as an artist became so great she had no way to express her frustration with art or herself anymore. She turned to easy praise on social media for her beauty, turning her eye for aesthetics toward making cute selfies and posting them online. (Naturally, nobody picked up on her being a little artistic with it, praising her body instead, which... again she's in junior high still so...)

Ena's own efforts to forget her pain using something she can run away from it with, becomes the bridge she and Mizuki need.

She can finally understand Mizuki not venting the pain for how nobody would be able to understand her if she did.

Mizuki's words there actually speak a little to her relationship with Rui. Rui and Mizuki bond over people not understanding them and not giving them a chance or hearing them out. But, apart from having interests that others both can't and don't care to understand, they don't have much common ground; Mizuki's bond with her sister and how it feels to wear cute clothes Yuuki made for her or to make her own cute clothes, that joy from self-expressing, is something Rui doesn't have a baseline to understand. Rui describes his shows first and foremost in the terms of how they make an audience feel. The audience's actual emotions is the only metric by which Rui considers himself as having succeeded or not. It isn't self-expression in the same that Mizuki's own expression is.

Ena finally understands Mizuki, and it's Ena who finds the intersection between her and Mizuki's pain. It's something close to them they want others to love but that the world rejects and attacks them for. She decides on the motif of a box the girl holds.

Mizuki makes a single request: if the box can be tied with a cute ribbon. While introducing the idea, Mizuki slips into the cutesy register we know and love today, and while Ena doesn't quite get Mizuki's request, something makes her consider it, and she accepts. Mizuki is happy to have a little point of self-expression in Ena's artwork itself, the same thing lacking it earlier had made her feel uninspired for.

[c4tluver02]

golden line

wc: 2.4k

warnings: none! hurt comfort happy ending lets go!!

summary: Finally getting a moment to talk to you, Steve is determined to get things fixed between the two of you.

a/n: i hope u guys enjoyed this little series!! <33 thank u for all the love on it !!!!!!!

part 1, part 2, part 3

How can I repay the due? The way you know me, love me, pull me through. ♫

After everything with Venca Steve accepted that things just wouldn't be the same. He would no longer be mad at the new normal. His new life would consist of sleepless nights all alone, no time for hobbies, stitched into a routine that wouldn't fail him. Nothing changing meant nothing could go wrong. 

This was all set in stone until you came along, and now Steve can't help but rethink his whole system. Maybe, somehow, Steve wouldn't have to feel so exhausted by all the weight he has to carry. That someone would actually want to do that for him. But now Steve is stuck in a constant state of stress for how he was gonna tell you all of this, without messing it all up. 

All of this has kinda forced Steve to open up more, ask his friends what to do instead of always having all of the answers. Robin was able to get through to him that you needed time. And maybe if the date you went on did go horrible, like he'd hoped, he’d be ready to pick you back up. 

Which it did by the way. It was just the worst and if Steve wasn't so pretty you’d swear off men for a lifetime. To get yourself all done up and have some guy waste your time felt like a slap in the face. The whole date all you could think about was how Steve wouldn't say that, or Steve would have done this. Being plagued by him was starting to drive you mad, like the way he so easily wrote you off and humiliated you wasnt enough for you to get over him completely. 

In hopes to at least start ‘mission get over Steve’ you decide to go to the store, ready to divulge in a whole carton of ice cream and cry out how sad you are of the way things ended. Whatever stage of grief involved you feeling sorry for yourself was what you were experiencing. Your red eyes in the grocery store matching a baggy outfit to show the world how broken you were feeling. Rejected, bad date, rock bottom. Next week you’ll bounce back but for right now you walk towards the ice scream section. That is until you hear a loud ‘ouch!’ come from an aisle that you were walking towards. 

Now you were really starting to feel crazy because if your delusions have truly melted your brain you would almost guess that it was Steve's voice. And when you hear Robin lecture him you feel your heart drop. 

“Do you always have zero class?” Robin scolds.

“I just tripped! I'm heartbroken, deal with me would you?” He pleads. And if a gun were to Rob's head, she would reply with a ‘oh I know’. Because to be quite frank, it's all she's heard about. 

He had asked her about the idea to go see you but Robin reminded him that maybe that wouldn't fix all his problems. That he could actually make things worse. 

Quick to get as far away from them you decide to go through the next aisle but it is humorous how bad of an idea that was. You try to turn as you see their cart come through before they do but you don’t make it in time. 

“I know but it-” The sentence stops before it really even starts. Both of you freeze, caught. 

Robin’s heart breaks, despite Steve saying he's sad, you actually look it. Eyes slightly swollen, your hair in a braid that's slightly falling apart, and an outfit that shows that you haven't left the house in a few days. 

“Are you okay?” Steve is quick to ask, walking towards you as you stand still in your spot. 

“Yeah, I just-I needed some reinforcements.” You say with a dry laugh, trying to not come off as embarrassed as you feel. 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I was gonna actually stop by your house but I dunno- I mean I know how weird that sounds, but I couldn't get a hold of you and I wanted to make sure you were ok.” Somehow Steve got it all out with one breath. His hands are matching his words telling a story themselves. 

“You know where I live?” You are trying to ignore how he wanted to check up on you. 

“Well no but I was gonna look in the system.” He says scratching the nape of his neck, this isn't really coming out as romantic as it would have felt had he done it. 

“Oh.” You nod but you really don't know what to say, too embarrassed for the second time around Steve no wonder he doesn't want you. 

Robin walks up to meet you two in the middle. “We were gonna have a movie night if you wanted to join?” 

You let out a small smile at her invite, always okay with being the third wheel. And if we’re being real you could really use a win right now. It may not be a date night with Steve but hanging around two people who you know will make you feel good sounded nice. 

“Okay sure, yeah. If that's okay with you?” You ask looking back at Steve.

His round eyes go wide, not expecting you to say yes. “Sure, yes. Yeah that would be nice.” He doesn't even care that he's giving away his nonchalant facade with the big grin on his face. Simply happy with how this is going so far. 

As you scan all the snacks you three got for the movie night Steve toys around with asking how your date went but Robin beats him to it. 

“So how was your date with pool guy?” She pulls out her wallet and Steve hands you his card, already a step ahead of her with this at least. 

“It was ok, we weren’t a match but I got a free dinner.” You say with a shrug putting the last item in the bag. Admitting that it was a fail isn't an option right now, already letting them see you in this state was punishment enough. 

Steve takes the bags and you start walking out to the car. 

“I can meet you guys there?” You ask. A second to decompress how awkward this all is would be nice. 

“Okay see you there!” Robin says as she closes the door to Steve's car. You know they are talking about everything that just happened but you are sitting comfortably in silence. 

–

It only takes you about 5 minutes to get to Steve’s, his house being pretty close to the grocery store. 5 minutes to gather your thoughts about how this night might play out. Trying to think about every outcome possible to prepare but the short ride doesn't give you much time to think. 

“Rob open the door?” You hear Steve ask as you get out of your own car. 

“You ever heard of a please? Maybe a thank you?” Robin responds, even though she does open the door for him. 

You walk in only a few steps behind him and let out a soft thank you to her. 

“See at least she has manners, why am I not best friends with her?” You smile at her as she closes the door, you’ve missed this.

“So what movies did you guys get?” You ask sitting on the couch. 

“We got ‘The Exorcist’, ‘Jaws’, and E.T.”. Steve answers as he's placing all the treats you got on the table. 

“Pass, pass, and okay I could do E.T.” You smile digging into the snacks you got. 

Steve laughs and rolls his eyes at your opinionated response. “You aren't up for Jaws?” He asks while sitting next to you.

His couch isn't small but it isn't huge. The warmth of his thigh could be felt by your own, if he leans over at all he's in your personal space. 

“I think I should be asking you why you want to watch a movie about a shark that kills people.” You joke back. You're both acting like nothings wrong. It’s really not the time to get into a whole deep argument and for now that's okay with you both. 

“It’s a good movie, you should watch it.” He gives your knee a nudge and asks Robin to turn off the lights. It’s later in the evening and the sun is almost completely done setting which you thank in hopes that he can't see how flustered his small touch made you.

As the movie plays the three of you sit there making small comments in between scenes and eat your food. When the last 30 minutes comes you only hear the loud snores coming from Robin. Deciding to call it a night, Steve turns the TV off. It’s now completely dark and suddenly the fact that this has been the first time you both have been, basically, alone since the fight hits you all at once. 

“I should-”

“Can we talk?”

You both say at the same time. Steve is the one asking to talk and you nod thinking he's right. The smart adult thing to do is to talk. 

He puts his hand on the small of your back and leads you out to his backyard. The weather at night is perfect and the silence plus the small wave of the wind is relaxing. You sit on one of his long white chairs and he does the same with the other. 

“I’ve really missed you, y’know?” Steve starts. You almost wanna let out a sigh at how annoyingly mature he’s being about all of this. So open to say what's on his mind. 

“Me too.” You decide to copy. 

“I want you to know I didn't mean what I said.” 

Your eyes immediately shoot towards him. Trying to find out what game he's playing, what his angle is. 

“I am not, not, looking for something right now.” He wishes he could explain his feelings in a better way. “I know I said I wasn't and I thought I wasn't but then you came around and you changed everything for me.” 

This small silent treatment you’re giving is sorta killing him. The need to explain as much as he can to get on your good side again is all that's on his mind. 

“But then you left and you weren't coming around and the one time you do you're going on a date.” Steve lets out a huff, the anger coming back all too easily. 

“What did you think I was coming around for Steve? I liked you. I really thought we were on the same page. I mean the inside jokes and spending the whole day together.” Your usage of “liked” makes Steve wince. It hits him hard and every word after it is like salt on the wound. 

“I just, I didn't think I had anything to give anyone. All I know how to do is keep everything in all of the time so no one else falters.” Steve lets out a sigh, his vision blurring. “What would anyone want anything to do with someone like that?” 

You wish you were sitting next to him to give him a hug. To lend him a hand to squeeze, or maybe a shoulder to lay his head. 

“Steve, you know any of these people in your life would stop everything if they knew you were feeling like this.” 

“But then who's taking care of them? Someone has to.”  Poor Steve you think. A kid who was never cared for, only focuses on caring for others. 

This time you actually get up and move toward him. He scootches over and the weight of you both at the end of the plastic chair makes it lift at the top. Almost falling off Steve puts his weight to the top and you stay on. A laugh escapes out of you and soon enough he's coping. 

Silence falls between you for a few seconds. “I'm sorry you've been feeling this way.” It’s simple but it’s true. Steve is the last person who deserves to feel like this. 

“I’m sorry I made you feel this way.” He’s talking about a whole different feeling but nonetheless an awful one. 

You reach your arms to go around his shoulders and he lets his chin fall on your shoulder. His arms wrap around you in return and for the first time in weeks you feel at peace. 

“Would you stay the night? I have a spare room– Normally Rob sleeps in it but I'm sure she wouldn't mind the couch.” He asks lifting himself from the warmth of your shoulder. 

You and Steve still have a long way to go, more to get through but you’re ready to do it with him. Ready to share whatever baggage he might bring. 

“Yeah I can stay.” Giving him a warm smile, it really does numbers for his heart. 

His shoulders fall as he breathes out a breath of relief. Your forehead falls gently against his own and he closes his eyes. It allows you to really look at him, like how long his lashes are, and how pretty his lips purse out. 

“Cmon, let's go to bed.” You stand and lay your hand out for him to take. 

All of these emotions are hitting him all at once, exhaustion taking over as he does as you say intertwining his fingers with yours. 

You lay a blanket on Robin who is now fully stretched out on the couch and Steve locks the sliding glass door. You both walk up the stairs in silence but once you reach the top you both pause. 

“Can I sleep with you?” You ask. He offered you the spare room but right now you really don't want to be away from him. 

Steve is secretly thankful you did. He nods and you both climb into his bed. You guess the pros of being a rich kid is having a big bed, you both fit nicely. 

He wraps an arm around your waist and you snuggle your face into the crook of his neck. He smells like pine and chlorine from being outside this whole time. But it’s his heartbeat that easily puts you to sleep. The consistent rhythm being a perfect reminder of how thankful you are to have Steve. And the feeling of his hand going up and down due to your soft breathing is what puts him to sleep. Unsure of what tomorrow will bring but you'll deal with it together.

[tgmsunmontue]

A picture is worth 1000 words - 18/?

Hangster post-TGM events, Jake and Bradley becoming friends on Instagram through increasingly competitive thirst traps.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN TWELVE THIRTEEN FOURTEEN FIFTEEN SIXTEEN SEVENTEEN

PART EIGHTEEN

                “You look happy…” Jake looks up and grins at his sister because yeah, he is happy. He was already happy. Bradshaw, Bradley, being here, is just amplifying all of it. “It’s nice to see you like this.”

                “I wasn’t sad.”

                “No. I know you weren’t,” Kara says, and she kicks at him in annoyance. “It’s just… You can share your happiness with him. That’s nice.”

                “Yeah, I guess it is.”

                She rolls her eyes at him and he laughs, annoying her has always been one of his joys in life and she knows it too.

                “Thanks for inviting him.”

                “Anytime. Anyway, it was easy. Especially once Natasha told me Bradley would drop everything and come if I did…”

                “Oh… I didn’t realize you and Trace had been chatting.”

                “That’s okay baby bro, you’ve been a little distracted staring at Bradley.”

                “You’re two minutes older!”

                “I note you don’t dispute the staring…”

                “You’ll just call me out for lyin’,” Jake mutters with a sigh, because watching Bradley is definitely one of his favorite past times, especially now when he gets to touch. And already if Bradley notices he’s looking he’ll come over and touch Jake, quite frankly it’s a very nice reciprocal arrangement they’ve got going, for it being all of a day old. He knows he’s only got Bradley here for a finite period of time, but he tries not to focus on that. Wants to enjoy their time together.

                “Is it time to make forts Uncle Jake?”

                “Uh…” he freezes, because his bedroom is usually the scene of fort building, and right now his bedroom is definitely not somewhere for his niece and nephew. His eyes fly to Kara’s and she’s making a face, lips sucked in to stop the outright laughter she clearly wants to let loose. Jake can’t even find it in him to be upset or angry. He’d made a throw away promise earlier in the week about building forts anyway, but…

                “How do you feel about building a tree house instead?”

                “A tree fort!” Andy says, eyes going wide.

                “Yeah. A tree fort,” Jake agrees, feeling a little manic, and Kara is now laughing silently. Kaleb has appeared in the doorway, already hot and dusty from being out working already.

                “You building the kids a fort?”

                “Apparently,” Jake muses, but Andy is climbing on him, excited and he knows he’s no longer got a free day to spend with Bradley. Ah well. They do have all night.

                “What are we doing?” Bradley asks, coming through the hallway door and he’s freshly shaved, informing Jake that morning that he had subpar shaving equipment and maybe he did need to teach him. Jake had told him he’d let him, which had just made Bradley blush and now Jake’s going to try and make him do that more often.

                “We are making a tree house!”

                “No! A tree fort!” Andy corrects.

                “You’re going to have to fix the fence if you’re thinking of using the old oak tree as your base. You are going to build it there, right?”

                “It’s where our dad built our tree house, it’s perfect really,” Kara says, but she’s directing her words to Bradley who’s looking interested.

                “You ever built a tree fort Rooster?”

                “Nope. But I’m good at following directions.”

                “Oh, I know.”

                Kara’s snort of laughter reminds him of where he is and he’s pretty sure his cheeks are as pink as Bradley’s.

[fandomsmadness]

Late but

TBHX episode 4 rant

Okay if I had a nickel every time they ended an episode with Moon being shot in the head... we all know where I'm going and that's concerning. Two main thoughts about the cliffhanger:

THANK GOD EPISODE TWO WASN'T A FAKEOUT

I hate it, if only for the fact that it pulled our focus away from so many important things that happened in the chapter, hello??? I hate that our final takeaway is "Moon got shot again" instead of a number of other things

We start with the most important things first; last episode rant I was asking whether we should just resign ourselves to Lin Ling being unhappy as Nice for the rest of his life and lmao I have never been more happy to be given the most solid answer I could have hoped for.

However, important implication here; I believe this means trust value is a two way system. In order to work:

Trust must be given by people (fans believing in 'Nice'/Lin Ling)

Trust must be accepted by the other party (Lin Ling accepting that he wants to become/is 'Nice'/himself)

And this brings up a really fascinating question: "can multiples of the same hero exist?" The answer should be yes - we see in cases like The Johnnies that trust value can be given to a team as a whole instead of each individual component. Can the mantle of a hero also be split this way? Will that ease the burden?

And in that same vein, would any hero who decides they are no longer their moniker be able to step away from their burdens and expectations just as easily? If yes, which I believe it is, what happens to Lin Ling if he ever wants to go back to a regular life?

That being said I love the naming of this episode, absolute genius, and the way it was presented, absolute cinema. Personally I'm regarding this point as the conclusion of Lin Ling's current arc and I have to say, these last four episodes had us on a rollercoaster. Lin Ling realising he didn't actually want to be Nice, but a hero was peak and I love that he got to get to it on his own terms.

And while I love the introduction of Jeopardy (that song has no right being so badass) I found it interesting that in this particular scene when Lin Ling is finally defeating God Eye, it's Paragon that plays. He gave up being Nice. Why are we getting Nice's theme song here?

That's not all, we still have more questions: If Lin Ling is now 10, what rankings are the ones on the official website???

Why I'm not considering this part of the arc as of now is because it's unfinished, clearly there for cliffhanger value, and it's very likely that we will all change our minds about this later when more information is given because the whole thing is fishy. How does Moon recognize Lin Ling, who she's never seen before? Why is E-Soul or a lookalike there, and why are they positioned behind Moon while the shot came from the side? Was episode 1 a premonition, or was someone trying to warn Lin Ling? Time will tell.

And while I will be really mad if it turns out Moon is alive after that (AGAIN) part of me is hoping she is because give this girl a break man, wtf?? At least give her a proper vacation, or a death in dignity, as her own person, and not an accessory to a man!

Other (less important to me) things:

Blankster was an interesting study for several reasons, the biggest being how powers can evolve beyond their origin function, aka how strong punches evolved not just in strength but also in terms of memory loss. Given Blankster's boxer origins, this makes so much sense, and I thought it was a really clever way to reference concussions. Secondly, Treeman made it too easy for God Eye, come on! It also showed how corporate really doesn't give a shit about Moon as soon as she left; they just viewed her as a liability. From the episode's start, they didn't care about saving her.

It's also nice (haha, pun not intended) to finally have at least one name to these faces. So these are the hero agency heads. Interesting, and makes sense. Now we only need to figure out who the hooded figure is and the intro's main pain points will be less painful (not really).

And finally, God Eye. I can't help but feel he fell kinda flat. Last ep I had high hopes for him being set up as Lin Ling's nemesis, and he did to an extent, embody that with his "there are no real heroes in this era" talk but then along came Lin Ling shedding the Nice persona to prove him wrong. Where does that leave him? Was he only a gimmick for the Lin Ling arc? I feel there should be more.

After all, we still don't know whose fear is channelling God Eye, and how it came be taken away. By making him a laughing stock, perhaps?

I knew episodes 5-7 were going to be E-Soul centered, but I have to hand it to the team, this was one hell of a way to transition viewpoints.

[vvivacious101]

Don't Drink the Water

This episode was an insane study in grief. It's also one of the truest ensemble episodes that 911 has ever put out especially considering this is the tail end of the season and usually these sorts of episodes tend to happen at the beginning of the season.

This episode was like everything I wanted 8x16 to be because finally you have all these characters and they are all struggling in different ways to move forward from Bobby's death.

Chimney has definitely come around and I for one am glad that they decided not to unnecessarily stretch his survivor's guilt storyline because Chimney has a lot to live for. That scene with him confiding in Maddie was a welcome change considering how he was avoiding her last episode. For the most part, Chimney seems to have channelled his grief into fixing his deteriorating relationship with Athena.

Athena is ready to get back to work and as Harry pointed out there are probably clocks that are less predictable. In this episode, Athena mostly seems to be struggling with coming face to face with Chimney who has now become a living reminder of what she lost.

Hen is contemplating Captainship and I really liked to see her struggle with it. On one hand, she is absolutely right that declining a promotion is a clear signal that your career is where it is going to be, and there will be no advancement - this is LITERALLY it but on the other hand, she is also right when she realises that she has a problem delegating tasks and not getting too involved herself. I love it when characters really understand themselves.

Buck & Eddie manage to have an entire episode full of drama just between the two of them. This episode goes really hard when it comes to these two. So, let's dive in!

The opening of this episode is brutal, with the 118 all gathered around to have a meal (which seems to be a memory from Ravi's probie year so app. 4-5 years ago) and Bobby narrating the story of the Full Moon (Creepy AF) [911 S01E07] while everyone is laughing but the laughs feel almost too exaggerated as the scene cuts and you get abject silence as Buck sits alone at the same table in an eerily empty loft of station 118. This cutaway was BRUTAL. Buck is really struggling and this scene just undercut it.

The Eddie, Hen & Karen scene - all I have ever wanted! One of my big criticisms of 8x16 was that it felt like Eddie came back and it mattered to nobody - forget a Buddie reunion which we were definitely robbed of - but where was my 118 firefam reunion?! So, I'm glad that we are seeing Eddie with other members of the 118 because it bears reiterating that they are a family. In a later scene with Athena, Karen is talking about a photo of the 118 taken at the Henren vow renewal ceremony and she says whenever anyone asks me who these people are - I never say that they are my wife's coworkers, I say that that's our family!

Also, that scene is epic because they are discussing Buck and it feels worth mentioning that Buck & Eddie's dynamic seems to be so absorbed by the firefam that they can identify their issues from a mile away. Eddie is worried that Buck is worrying too much and I feel like Eddie's worry over Buck seems to be stemming from the fact that Buck seems to be closing himself off while trying to be there for everyone else. And, then we get the reveal that Eddie got a job at the El Paso fire dept and I love how Karen immediately hones in to ask Eddie - so when are you telling Buck you're leaving?

Another underrated hint that Eddie is worried about Buck is that he has remained in LA for a lot longer than he initially planned, if that doesn't indicate how worried he is about Buck, I don't know what will.

Then we get Buck in a confessional, something he only goes to, to feel closer to Bobby, something he also only needs to do because Bobby is buried in Minnesota. And, it's here that we get Buck's breakdown - Bobby said he would be okay but he's not and instead of being there for everyone else he feels like he is losing them. I'm kind of going to prove Eddie right by making this point but as Eddie himself said - trauma causes us to turn inward. Eddie has been with Buck for however long it has been since the funeral, he has been talking to Hen - considering he was trying to perform a psychological assessment on her, we have seen him talk to Maddie and Chimney in the previous episode. Buck is not alone no matter how much he feels like he is. This is very much a case of Buck feeling isolated because he feels like he is not allowed to process his grief in the same way everyone else, by actually allowing himself to feel it which causes everyone else to be on alert. After all, they all know this is unsustainable and they are just waiting for Buck to crash.

..which leads to the fight. I was not prepared! The tension that is the throughline of that scene was fucking unbearable but it was so well done. It's fucking incredible. Someone compared it to the Loumand scene in IWTV 2x05 and my god, I get it. I don't think we have ever seen Buck & Eddie fight quite like this, the closest we have come to this is when they were undergoing the shortest divorce arc in the history of television ever that played out from S03E05 to E06. And, that fight was nothing like this one!

A tragedy in 97 acts - it bears mentioning that in this scene Eddie and Buck are still in perfect sync as they move around their kitchen! I can't believe we canonically have Buddie cohabiting and we can't pay attention to that because this scene fucking KILLS!

Eddie always says that Buck makes everything about himself - something that has definitely been a common refrain since season 7 at least and there were definitely echoes of this behaviour on Buck's part when Maddie left LA in season 5. So, there is some truth to that but I feel like the reality that Eddie seems to give so much weight to this one flaw in Buck is probably because he has a tendency to do this as well - make it all about him - he definitely did this in season 5 when he learnt that everyone he saved from that helicopter crash has since died. And, in this scene, while Eddie accuses Buck of making everything about himself he does the exact same - he makes everything about himself from blaming Buck to not understanding what it was like to get the call informing him about Bobby's death to letting him know that he can't help but wonder if things would have been different had he been there - making everything about himself while Buck is probably thrust into the realisation that making himself unavailable to feel his own grief is isolating him from identifying it in others as well.

This is followed by Eddie apparently abandoning Buck to go to the airport and I agree with Buck that was jerk behaviour.

But then Buck gets back from work and Eddie is there and I love how he just owns up to the fact that yes, he was being a dick and he was being mean to Buck and he wanted to make amends - so he got CHRISTOPHER!

Literally, all my Chris Buck reunion feels were out in full force. It was so good seeing these two reunite especially since it's been an entire season since they shared a scene together and Buck is finally happy. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that seeing Chris was finally enough to get Buck out of his funk and crack a smile and then Pepa is there and they are having family dinner.

The Buckley Diaz family feels were in the house tonight especially as we move away to see Pepa talking to Buck and comforting him which was definitely not beating the Buckley Diaz family accusations. The show loves to insinuate that Buck is a part of the Diaz family by just casually implying that he knows various members of the Diaz family and is somewhat in the know about what is going on with them. That hug between Pepa and him definitely insinuates that they are closer than you would believe two characters who have only shared screen space some two times in seven years ought to be.

This episode really killed when it comes to Buck & Eddie because seriously where do we go from here - frankly speaking we only have one direction to go and that's UP!!

Also, this episode is not beating the Captain Eddie vibes! I feel like it isn't an insane suggestion considering there is an opening at the 118 and Eddie needs to be back at the 118 - something about those two statements just clicks together.

There was definitely some conversation Eddie had with Chris regarding LA and maybe even Buck because the look Chris gives him while Pepa is hugging Buck seemed loaded!

OH MY GOD! I just realised that in all this excitement I forgot to check out next week's promo - ASDGRSDHTGIUDYIHS!!!! I'll be back!

Okay, WHAT?! I thought we were getting a Buddie trapped storyline instead we get a Chimney and Athena trapped storyline which is fair they do have issues to iron out that could be helped by them being trapped together. Also, Buck & Ravi are trapped with a civilian so good times are ahead surely.

I'm betting on you Ryliver press tour - get me my BUDDIE canon!

[girlacticrailroad]

friendly rivalry deep dive part 14

Episode 6 y’all let’s goooooo.

Jae-yi won’t reveal her secrets to Seul-gi yet this episode, but that’s okay because the first scene solves one mystery for us. We see Jae-yi sneak into her father’s office, unlock his desk, and take out a file with her sister’s name on it. In the file, she finds information about Seul-gi’s dad, stepmom, and Seul-gi herself.

So we now know that: (1) Jae-yi is looking for information about her sister, (2) Woo Do-hyeok is connected to Je-na in some way, and (3) Jae-yi started getting close to Seul-gi due to Do-hyeok’s connection with her sister. Seul-gi’s dad (rip) can no longer reveal anything, but maybe his daughter can.

Why does Jae-yi change Seul-gi’s name to “Princess” in her phone? In the interview I’ve referenced a few times already, Hye-ri mentions that viewers have tended to interpret all of Jae-yi’s actions “through the lens of love” even when that wasn’t the intention. Sadly...I don’t think Jae-yi has love on the brain here. She hasn’t even met Seul-gi yet!

A cynical interpretation makes more sense to me. If she gives Seul-gi a name, she’s a person. But if she’s just a word—just a picture on a flyer—it’s easier to forget her humanity. In this moment we can see Jae-yi’s plan to use Seul-gi as a tool start to take shape.

Then we flash foward and—oh no what’s this? Her tool has feelings? And she’s *really* cute when she’s angry? Abort mission!!

One thing I haven’t paid much attention to so far is Jae-yi’s ears and when they twitch. (Yes, this show will have you analyzing the way a character’s ears move. It’s a disease.) This user noted on X that her ears move when Seul-gi asks to sit next to her again (and that it’s very puppy-like awww), and I think they also twitch when Seul-gi takes her hand at the end of Epiosde 2. Her ears move again in this scene when Seul-gi says her full name and demands an answer from her.

(Seul-gi had been using the casual affectionate -ya suffix for Jae-yi until now. Does anyone know the first time Seul-gi addresses Jae-yi that way? My gut tells me it was in Episode 3 but I haven’t gone back to check.)

Based on the first two moments, you could say that her ears move when Jae-yi is pleased about something—both are moments when Everything Is Going According to Plan. But this moment feels a bit different. Is she pleased about being cornered and told off? (I mean, maybe because it’s Seul-gi she’s into it...)

When dogs pull their ears back, it can be a sign of submission, and this is the first time that Jae-yi essentially admits defeat. For once, she doesn’t have a clever response. She dismisses Seul-gi’s question and tries to escape.

But Seul-gi isn’t about to let her run away. In another first for Friendly Rivalry, *she* is the one who grabs Jae-yi’s hand. The dynamic we’ve come to expect, with Jae-yi in the active dominant role, has been turned upside-down.

Well, almost—but not quite. Jae-yi doesn’t let it happen. She slips out of Seul-gi’s grasp and smiles.

I *love* this little interaction! It’s so perfect. Apparently the smile was improvised by Hye-ri on the spot, and once again I’m floored by how in touch she is with this character. Because this cocky little smirk to mask her surprise is sooo Jae-yi. 

First-time viewers at this point might be asking, Is Jae-yi really into Seul-gi, or is she just playing with her?

For second-time viewers, there’s no doubt our girl is ten toes down. There was lots of subtle evidence sprinkled throughout Episode 5 that Jae-yi is attached. Her emotions are slipping through the cracks in her facade more and more. She’s upset that Seul-gi is giving her the cold shoulder. When Seul-gi sneakily leads her to the teacher’s room to confront her about Na-ri, she takes the bait. 

On a second watch, the question of her loyalty is replaced by a more interesting one, imo. It’s not just Does Jae-yi really love Seul-gi?—yes, times infinity—but Is Jae-yi’s love strong enough to overcome her desire for control?

Can her love transcend her father’s curse?

As of now—not yet. When Seul-gi tries to take her hand, she recoils, the same way she did with Je-na as kids. It’s not that she doesn’t want to touch Seul-gi—she can hardly keep her hands off the poor girl. It’s being touched that triggers her reflex to pull away. Because being touched means she isn’t calling the shots. It means there’s a chance someone might find a way under her armor and touch skin.

Her heart is in the game—but she’s still treating her relationship with Seul-gi as a game, and she’s losing. In this episode we’ll see her rely on some of her old bad habits in her desperation to win Seul-gi back.

As for Seul-gi, she’s still trying to figure out if Jae-yi is someone she can, literally and figuratively, hold onto—and for now that’s also a no. She’s been suspicious of Jae-yi’s kindness from the beginning. She let her guard down for a moment and got burned for it. Now she can’t even get a straight answer out of the woman. Jae-yi’s slipperiness is opening up her old wounds and reawakening her trust issues.

Like Jae-yi, we’ll see Seul-gi fall back into old patterns of behavior in this episode. Both girls are struggling against the ways they’ve learned how to survive.

Meanwhile Gyeong, the most antagonistic toward Seul-gi of the main cast members, starts warming up to her. (I love how the day after she has her gay awakening, Seul-gi just asks Gyeong point-blank if she has a crush on her—like, hey, might be worth finding out who else is for the ladies around these parts.) At a student assembly, Gyeong reveals her discovery about Seul-gi’s father. Seul-gi follows her home and Gyeong explains the rest of her theory: Jae-yi’s dad doesn’t want the malpractice lawsuit to tarnish his hospital’s reputation. He needs to find a way to settle. If Seul-gi’s stepmom is too stubborn, then maybe Seul-gi is the key.

According to Gyeong, Jae-yi has only been cozying up to Seul-gi for her father’s sake. The goal is to befriend her so she’ll be more willing to sign the settlement papers.

Gyeong surprised me in this episode. I thought I had her figured out. But her oddly self-aware confession to Seul-gi (she’s not being nice out of the goodness of her heart, but doing it to get back at Jae-yi, because of her inferiority complex) made me consider her from a new angle.

After all, we know why Jae-yi has a grudge against Gyeong, and vice versa—but why does Gyeong immediately dislike Seul-gi so much? All she’s said is that she doesn’t want an unknown “bumpkin” hanging out with their clique.

I think there might be more to it than that. (When is there ever *not* more to it than that with this series...) Gyeong knows her relationship with Jae-yi is far from friendship at this stage: it’s grown cold and transactional, with bitterness on both sides. She uses her connection with Jae-yi for her own personal gain, and at the same time hates that she relies on Jae-yi for anything.

Then Seul-gi comes along and Jae-yi showers her with attention and affection...the same way she used to treat Gyeong. That has to sting. Seul-gi is a reminder of the friendship that Gyeong lost. Maybe even a reminder of the something more that she and Jae-yi could have had?

That’s why Gyeong needs to believe that Jae-yi’s kindness toward Seul-gi is just a dirty trick—because if it’s real, that would mean all of Jae-yi’s affection toward her had been real once, too. It would mean Jae-yi hadn’t been her nemesis from the beginning, but someone who genuinely loved her, platonically or otherwise.

Gyeong can’t accept that. It’s not pure logic that leads her to suspect Jae-yi of duplicity—there’s an emotional undercurrent pulling her in that direction, too.

The end of this conversation is...mysterious. Or is it? Gyeong asks Seul-gi if she has any painkillers for period cramps, and Seul-gi replies, no, you dork, I’m poor. We know Gyeong also suffers from hernia pain, so I thought she might be lying to get pain meds for her back...but then later she goes to a doctor and asks for an IUD. It sure is a classic rich kid move to try to bum drugs off your poor orphan friend. Is the implication that she doesn’t want to ask her mom for help? That she’s too busy studying to take care of herself? That she suspects Seul-gi of being a drug user...or dealer? I feel like there might be some subtext that I’m missing.

Speaking of drug dealers, how’s Jae-yi doing? Not well apparently :( In one of her lowest moments, she bombs Seul-gi with a series of desperate messages trying to convince her she’ll need help to study for midterms. It’s...pretty sad. Jae-yi has always been clingy and manipulative, but she’s never been so open about it. As someone who isn’t used to losing, or rejection, being beaten and rejected by the person she cares about most seems to have sent her into a downward spiral.

Then comes one of my favorite scenes from this episode—maybe one of my favorite scenes in FR period. Showing no sign of the desperation we just saw in her messages, a lethargic and dead-eyed Jae-yi speaks to a nurse drawing her blood. The nurse is freaked out by the way Jae-yi stares at the needle as it pierces her skin. Jae-yi says she wants to know exactly when the needle goes in to prepare herself. The nurse responds, but doesn’t it hurt the same either way?

Oh, Jae-yi, you sad little weirdo. How I love you.

This is another one of those scenes that’s so rich, I could dedicate a whole post to it. On one level it’s about control, and how Jae-yi tries to maintain a sense of control in situations where she has none. She can’t stop the needle, or the pain. But she masters them (or imagines that she does) by refusing to look away—by watching, and bracing herself.

This is a theme that will come up with Jae-yi again and again: her need to exert “control” over the future by anticipating it.

But the nurse casts doubt on this habit. Is it really a form of control? Or is Jae-yi only letting her fear control *her*? The needle will still hurt one way or the other.

(Any theories out there, by the way, about why she might be having her blood drawn in this scene?)

Of course this scene isn’t really about needles. This conversation makes it clearer than ever that Jae-yi is depressed. The nurse says that Jae-yi has trouble sleeping, a common symptom of depression. (Another symptom is intrusive thoughts of death, and we’ll later learn that Jae-yi thinks about death—a lot.) Jae-yi then asks the nurse to take more blood, despite looking exhausted. Risky self-destructive behavior? Depression baybeeee.

I think this scene is also, in a sneaky way, about Seul-gi. You can tell Jae-yi is thinking about Seul-gi because (1) when is she ever not, and (2) she mentions that she slept really well last night—the night that Seul-gi slept over. With a smile, she reassures the nurse that she’s running on “stored-up sleep.” Her night with Seul-gi is, I think maybe literally, the only thing keeping her going right now.

Jae-yi is facing a pain worse than a needle prick—her girl is ghosting her, and it’s exacerbating her depressive symptoms, and she doesn’t have any way of getting her back. She has no control over Seul-gi anymore.

Other people might look away and try to forget. But not Jae-yi. She’s going to handle the situation like she always does: by watching, and preparing. She’s decided to wait for an opening.

Jae-yi isn’t the only one going through a rough patch. From the state of her apartment, Seul-gi’s stepmom also seems to be going through it. Seul-gi cleans up the cans, dishes, and clothes scattered around when she comes home—but then she gets suspicious. Her stepmom never mentioned the malpractice lawsuit to her. Why is she keeping it a secret?

Seul-gi searches her stepmother’s room for clues: she finds unused pregnancy tests, her dad’s life insurance policy, and...several more green envelopes like the one she found in the mail in Episode 4. Now we finally learn what they contain: sinister messages, outlined in black crayon on a colored background (no handwriting that way), hinting that Woo Do-hyeok’s death was not an accident. Are these messages what prompted the lawsuit?

Instead of trusting the evidence all around that her stepmother is a grieving woman barely keeping it together, Seul-gi’s defenses detect a threat. If Jae-yi never really cared about her, what if her stepmom doesn’t care about her, either? What if she’s only trying to cash out and run?

At the dinner table, Seul-gi vents her fears and suspicions while her stepmom listens silently. She doesn’t confirm or deny what Seul-gi says, so we’re left to wonder if there’s any truth to the accusations.

Personally, I think her stepmom probably just didn’t want to burden Seul-gi with everything she knows. She suspects that Do-hyeok’s death had something to do with Je-na, and the spooky anonymous messages are a lot to explain to a kid whose father just died. She’s trying to protect Seul-gi, but Seul-gi is struggling to see good intentions in anyone right now.

*EDIT* It was pointed out to me in the comments (thank you @16th-cornelia-street!) that Seul-gi doesn’t confront her stepmom about the lawsuit. She imagines a confrontation, but holds back. I think this makes it even clearer that Seul-gi is losing faith in other people. Even though she suspects her stepmom of planning to betray her, she’s wary of revealing what she knows—maybe because she’s afraid she’ll get kicked out. It’s also reminiscent of the way she feigns ignorance to manipulate Jae-yi.

The next scene illustrates how Jae-yi’s betrayal hasn’t just eroded Seul-gi’s trust in others, but in herself too. All her insecurities have come flooding back: She really is alone. Maybe she was never that special. Maybe without her grades she’s nothing. Maybe without her pills she’s nothing.

The teacher hands out a book of mock tests from previous years and tells the kids to start memorizing. (I love how there are zero scenes of actual teaching in this series.) Seul-gi is about to do as the teacher says, when she looks around the room and sees every other student putting the book away and carrying on as usual. It’s a moment that puts us directly in Seul-gi’s shoes. Are these mock test questions actually useful or not? If they don’t use the book, how is everyone else studying? It’s like the whole class is in on some big secret.

(I would also like to know their secret. Why *does* no one else use the book? Is it too inefficient, when they have access to targeted study materials? Is no one else underprivileged enough to need it?)

Seul-gi has another underwater vision, but this time, her whole class is down there with her, each hunched over their desk inside their own little bubble. Back in Episode 1, I said I didn’t like the bubble imagery, but I really love it here. Seul-gi isn’t the only one isolated in this class—rivalry isolates everyone from each other. They’re under the same pressure, but there’s no support or solidarity to be found.

With her confidence shaken, Seul-gi needs more than ever to prove herself. And she’s convinced there’s only one way to ace midterms: drugs.

Unfortunately her stolen stash is nearly used up. She hits the streets to solve the problem herself, as she did with the school uniform, but again her insistence on self-reliance backfires. She doesn’t have the time or the money to get her fix by legal means.

Her last resort is an acquaintance from the orphanage, Su-jin, who we haven’t met before—but the fact that Seul-gi doesn’t call right away, and the “??” after Su-jin’s name on her list, suggest she’s dreading the interaction.

Instead it’s Su-jin who calls, begging for money, clearly not doing well. Seul-gi hangs up and blocks the number. Her survival mindset has dulled any compassion she might feel. Su-jin is just further proof that she can’t rely on anyone.

Then by luck Seul-gi figures out how the local Chaehwa drug ring works. Thankfully they advertise on social media. Remember A-ra and her paper cranes, and the sanitary pads? We witnessed our first drug deal earlier this episode, when Beom-su came running into the classroom pretending to need a pad in a hurry, and A-ra passed her a box. (Kind of a genius way to do the handoff in broad daylight tbh.) Now we learn how A-ra recruits her customers: her paper cranes all have verification codes written on them.

Seul-gi orders thirty pills and A-ra arranges a pick-up at the skate park later that night. But A-ra isn’t the brains behind the operation. She’s chatting with someone else: the supplier.

Now we finally get our confirmation that, yes, Jae-yi somehow finds time in her busy schedule to deal drugs.

Question: Why? I don’t think her motive is ever clearly explained. She certainly doesn’t need the money. It’s a loose thread that invites lots of speculation. I’ve heard the theory that she’s plotting to fake her death from the very first episode, and starts selling drugs to raise money for her new life.

Personally, I don’t think so. There’s way more evidence that Jae-yi is suicidally depressed than there is evidence pointing toward that kind of scheme.

But that leaves the question open: What does Jae-yi gain from this side hustle?

I think the simplest answer is that it’s another one of the “sins” she starts committing in her prologue. Like those other sins, it’s more reckless behavior. (What else are you supposed to do when you’re a clinically depressed gifted kid with access to way too many pills?) Also like those sins, it’s a kind of rebellion against her father.

This is maybe the most direct way that she rebels. She’s stealing the drugs from his hospital and selling them to students at the school he sponsors—and she’s his daughter. If she got caught, his reputation would take a massive hit. If she doesn’t get caught, she still gets the satisfaction of breaking every imaginable rule right under his nose.

A-ra tells Jae-yi that their new buyer is probably “the transfer” and that’s all it takes. Her opening has arrived. How long do you think it takes her to throw on her drug dealer outfit and leave the house? I’m guessing about...seven seconds? Six and a half?

Let’s address the elephant in the room. Huge spoiler warning if for some reason you haven’t watched the show?? (Seriously go watch it if you haven’t.) Before Jae-yi leaves to meet up with Seul-gi for the exchange, we see her in the pharmacy holding a bottle of pills clearly marked Consotine—the pill that Seul-gi has ordered. Later Jae-yi tells her that they are all out of Consotine at the pharmacy, so she brought some of the Real Good Designer Shit instead. 

Even on the first time around, we know this is a lie, but on a second watch, we know the truth: Instead of Consotine, Jae-yi gives Seul-gi harmless multivitamins.

I think this helps us see where Jae-yi is in her character arc. All this time she’s been selling drugs to her fellow students without remorse. But now, because it’s Seul-gi, she swaps out the drugs for a placebo. That’s not the kind of decision you can make without any reflection or self-awareness.

She has to know. She has to know she’s going to absurd lengths just for the chance to talk to Seul-gi again. Seul-gi is much more than a tool or a face on a poster to her now—she’s a person Jae-yi wants to protect.

And that’s what makes the tension in this scene so electric, no matter how many times you watch it. This is Jae-yi at her most paradoxical. At Peak Antihero. Even with her heart firmly in the right place, she’s indulging in—reveling in—all her most toxic traits.

Because it’s fun.

Look at her! She is having the time of her life. This is clearly the first time that Jae-yi has felt the will to live in ages. Finally, she has some leverage!

This scene isn’t about one addict—it’s about two. Seul-gi needs the reassurance that Consotine provides, and Jae-yi needs the thrill of the game.

If you set aside the knowledge that Jae-yi isn’t actually obliterating Seul-gi’s mind with some unknown substance, her behavior is still not cool. I mean, it’s very cool, but bad. Bad Jae-yi. The first thing she does is deliberately undermine Seul-gi’s confidence: So your great study secret is doing drugs, huh? Then she lies about the Consotine to intimidate her. Then she undermines her confidence again, saying that she’ll never be able to succeed without drugs because everyone else at Chaehwa is doing them. (Then she does some skateboard tricks because she’s a huge dork.) Then she pulls out some classic Jae-yi manipulation, baiting Seul-gi with the promise of revealing how she obtained her personal info, but only if she can score higher on the midterm test. And finally she tops it off by giving her the cram school study materials which she just so happens to have to make Seul-gi even more dependent on and indebted to her.

She anticipated, and she came prepared.

Jae-yi is playing a role here again—the mysterious bad girl—and she’s even dressed for the part. Being in love with Seul-gi hasn’t changed the fact that she’s in love with the game itself. And in this game she’s willing to do almost anything to win. Even if that means ruthlessly exploiting every one of Seul-gi’s insecurities.

Centrum is a hell of a drug.

Wait. Did I do it? Did I finish a whole episode in one post??

Well, I cheated a little. I skipped the Ye-ri scenes in this episode because we’re going to learn a lot more about her in Episode 7. I’ll cover those scenes in the next entry, when I analyze her prologue. Until then!

[corvusalbus93]

Happy to hear; I often worry I ramble on too long (the ADHD-mind is a restless mind XD) And thanks – I had a pretty good idea who that Tav was when I started, but I too continued to develop her, and get a better sense of who she is as a character as I played.

My Tav does actually when possible go out of her way to help; her parents were Eilistraee worshippers. To help people, especially those in need, would have been something she’d have learned early on, even though the goddess was canonically dead and said parents died when she was really young. Though Eilistraee has come back in recent years, Tav isn’t actively worshipper her (though I wouldn’t rule out she might eventually), but her views align quite well with her church. For now/in game she’s more concerned with defying Lolth and not being the stereotypical drow everyone expects her to be. In other words: When in doubt, what would Lolth not do?

Okay that’s funny, cause my second Tav (Tamiel) is also a wild magic sorcerer– but he’s a tiefling, multiclass bard. Basically, he tried to find a way he could use magic without the risk of blowing up and semi-succeeded, as long as it’s bard-specific. When things get serious that’s when he gets out his sorcerer spells and all bets are off. (Another I play a githyannki Hexblade, who spent a few too many years in the Shadowfell and now seeks to avenge a friend who’s ascended, after she found out what that actually means.)

I swear Minthara’s favourite spell is “Viscous Mockery” and she isn’t even a bard.

I was worried to, once I’d decided to go with him, so I honestly checked if his first invitation was Tav’s one and only chance to initiate the romance plot-line. When I learned there was a second I had Tav get out of the conversation with a maybe... before she presumably went to hide on the “beach” with Wyll 😅.

Oh gods, I have the exact same with my second Tav and Gale. Those two boys are so cute together, but I don’t feel as invested, even now as I enter Act 3. I’m curious how it’s going to be with my Hexblade and Karlach, because they are not far enough into the story yet.

Yeah, he kinda ended up being the number one vampire-hater in this game (besides the Gur maybe).

I think Astarion did want to ascend, at least to get the power and the safety it represented to him – not to mention getting some justice/payback for what he had to endure these past two centuries. All of this made the rite so enticing, so think at least part of him did want to. He’s a good example of “we don’t always want the things that are good/best for us”. But he was nonetheless conflicted (especially once he sees Sebastian and learns the real number of souls), and then was confronted with the true cost. Himself, or at least the person he’s shaped and grown into since his escape. He’s already lost himself once, when he became a spawn and he doesn’t want that again.

It’s kind of a pattern with him. He accepted becoming a spawn to save himself, only to learn the true cost. Then at the start of the game he favours the tadpoles and the power they offer, until we get the Astral Touched Tadpole and finds out that he would turn. He straight up says he’s not touching that thing, before telling you the horrors of his vampire transformation. And then in Act 3, he shifts to the rite, begins to obsess over it.

And I love that the game explicitly tells you in the dungeon that he’s blinded by fear. Fear and hunger, he’s intoxicated and not thinking clearly. Which is when you can get through and remind him that he won’t be freed by this power. And indeed AA, while no longer be plagued by his hunger for blood, now hungers for even more power, thus continuing the overreaching and self-destructive cycle all vampires fall into. While Spawn Astarion can really be anything.

(Side note: I really love how after getting back to his feet, standing next to Tav and addressing his sibling , talking about the opportunities they all now have, “I want to live” starts playing for a bit. That’s no accident!)

I think it is in one of the conversations he can have with Durge that he reveals he realized one can’t live ruled by fear – which feels so meaningful coming from him, considering the rite and what the insight check reveals (I would have to check when this conversation exactly happens, haven’t completed Durge yet either).

Yeah, a ruthless Tav would only reinforce his established worldview, and I don’t think it would be realistic for him to open up to them as it would be with a neutral or good Tav. When it comes to cruelty I think he enjoys the sense of being the one in control/power. Especially early on, when his worldview has not been challenged yet, he will expect dynamics, where one party exerts power over another - that’s the only way things can be and he knows which side he’d rather be on.

I think the approval becomes less useful the further we get into the game. Especially in Act 3, depending on your choices you can be his partner, his friend, you can hate each other, not to mention he can be Ascended or a Spawn. All of which would wildly affect his character. They couldn’t possibly account for all of that so I think the approvals/disapprovals are not necessarily an accurate reflections for one’s individual playthrough, and maybe represent more of a baseline for him.

Oh yes, Act 2 is the real starts. And the two possible confession scenes are both really touching. I was also happy to get a scene with my sorcerer-bard after Araj, during which he could affirm his friendship with Astarion (I like to think that Tav distracts people with song, while Astarion pick-pockets, so now they are no longer allowed to go out alone together).

Always happy to chat; hope I haven’t overdone it.

The Truth Behind the Mask

(1/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

Even before I played, I kept stumbling upon Astarion fanart and memes that made me assume he was just some overrated character who was only popular because of his flirty, sassy attitude (I’m so sorry Q^Q). That’s why I didn’t have the best first impression even before I started.

And even in-game, when you first meet him, Astarion seems like a shallow, selfish and flirty guy - someone who doesn’t really care what others think and just follows his whims.

Couldn’t be further from the truth!

From what I’ve seen in some discussions on social media, though, a lot of players still hold that first impression - even after completing his route. I’ve even seen people call him a red flag, label him evil or say they were disappointed in general.

Also, I feel like most guides (at least the ones I’ve come across) simplify his character too much - mainly focusing on which choices will gain his approval or disapproval. Maybe that’s to avoid spoilers, but still. There are definitely other players who see the deeper layers too - so this is just my way of sharing my personal journey of discovering the real Astarion.

So, how did that first impression start to unravel? When checking with the guide and watching his reactions and body language, I started thinking about why the approval/disapproval tips work.

How Approval Looks on the Surface

Let’s look at some general tips for gaining Astarion’s approval points: 

choosing evil replies/actions 

seeking power 

siding with evil characters 

deceiving your opponents  

supporting his desires  

being understanding and accepting towards him 

(bonus one, haven’t seen guides mention this) sarcastic replies  

And disapproval points: 

making pompous heroic statements (like “Worry not! I shall save everyone!”) 

helping the weak 

being open about your party's situation (tadpoles)

being judgmental or unsupportive towards him  

naive/goodie-two-shoes responses  

In most cases, it is explained by his natural inclination towards evil forces and power, making Astarion seem like a self-centred and power-hungry vampire who might, with Tav’s influence, turn to become a bit of a better person. Or not. 

But while it’s technically true that those actions affect his approval, there’s much more nuance to why Astarion reacts the way he does - especially in the early stages.

So what's really going on?

The first contradiction that made me feel confused about the reasons for Astarion’s reactions was how nice Tav is being to him (of course, if you chose good replies during their interactions) – a person who is mean to everyone else would be just as mean to Astarion. It didn’t make sense to me; a kind and understanding Tav would fit much better in the story.  

So what is going on there? Why does Astarion need a kind and gentle Tav who is cold and dismissive to the rest of the world?

Because he is terrified.  

When we first meet our pale elf, he has just escaped (as in been kidnapped) from 200 years of slavery, humiliation and torture where his wellbeing completely depended on Cazador’s whims and every mistake meant punishment. Of course he’s paranoid. Of course he’s always calculating risk. 

It’s not about Tav’s choices being good or evil, it’s about their possible consequences for Astarion. He doesn’t want Tav to be evil, he just wants to feel safe. That’s all.  

Let’s Look at That List Again

So let’s look at his approval/disapproval list again: 

refusing to help someone - approve! we don’t want to risk 

seeking power - yes, please! power means safety!

siding up with evil characters - they are strong, so why not use this to our benefit? 

deceiving your opponents - we didn’t even have to fight and got want we wanted? don’t see a problem  

supporting his desires - maybe this time, I won’t have to fight for what I want

being understanding and accepting towards him - finally someone doesn't treat me as a monster

sarcasm - humor is our everything, especially when there’s nothing else left 

On the other hand:

making pompous heroic statements - you are saying these cringe things with a straight face AND putting us in danger? hard nope! 

helping the weak - no one helped me, why should we bother 

disclosing truth about their situation - have you heard about caution?!  

being judgmental or unsupportive towards him - no thanks, had enough of that

naive/goodie-two-shoes responses - are we going to be fine with a leader like that?..  

What Kind of Tav Does He Need?

Astarion isn’t looking for an "evil" Tav - he’s looking for safety. Well, technically, he isn’t looking for anyone at all. But the kind of Tav he opens up to tends to be:

pragmatic, cautious and clever

emotionally intelligent

non-judgmental

strong enough to lead and survive

That’s why he feels comfortable with a Tav who might choose to be distant toward strangers but treats him with consistent care. In this context it’s not suspicious, it’s sensible. He doesn’t expect help from the world, and he respects those who understand that reality. In a hostile world, survival is more likely in a group, so he clings to the party and tries to secure his place using the only tools he knows: charm, wit and usefulness. And a part of that strategy, making sure the leader favors him and he won’t be cast aside, leads to his initial approaches for Tav. But we’ll get into that more in another post.

So if Tav shows kindness to him? That’s exactly what he’s aiming for. And it doesn’t even matter that much if they still go out of their way to help others - because if the care they show him feels real, that already shifts something deep inside. That already gives him a reason to start hoping that this might be real.

The Mask

So there’s the charm, the flirtation, the flair for drama. Some players may read that as shallow or even foolish. But it’s not. It’s a mask - one he’s worn so well and for so long that it feels real. It’s what kept him alive under Cazador for the last 200 years.

But if you keep going, if you give him time and space to feel safe, you start to see it slip. The closer Tav gets to him, the more glimpses we get of his real self - thoughtful and warm, wary and sharp, sometimes silly and awkward, and, beneath it all, deeply hurt. And if you stay with him through to the end, when he finally feels safe enough to stop performing, his whole demeanor changes. He’s calmer. More grounded. Still witty - but in a different way.

Still Astarion. Just more himself.

<next part>

<back to masterpost>

[viktorarcanedeservesbetter]

Sky deserved better

[op-sys-chaos]

How the hell is this the first time I’m learning that Cass is actually dyslexic?

I knew she couldn’t read early on because she was never taught how, and wasn’t even taught most language to begin with so she had a hard time identifying words she never knew to begin with when they were written down.

But I’ve never once seen her being actually explicitly dyslexic, even in fandom discussions of her.

Thinking back, I think someone alluded to it in a post I saw recently, but they just said “her disability” and I assumed it was just her generic struggle to read based on her lived experiences. I had no idea she was dyslexic on top of that.

(And to defend Babs for a sec, in the initial run where she’s trying to teach Cass to read (which I read) I don’t think she knows Cass is dyslexic either, she thinks it’s more generic illiteracy combined with a lack of language knowledge. (I think this bc I read that run and I don’t remember any mention of dyslexia at all. Just ‘she was never taught to read’ iirc.) I’ve never seen a piece of canon content that references her dyslexia directly, but I also haven’t read every Cass comic in existence (not even close) so it’s probably in a comic somewhere and I just missed it. But yeah, I think the reason Babs was so hard on Cass at first and so unaccommodating of her disability was because she didn’t know that Cass was disabled in that specific way and therefore thought Cass’s only obstacle was lack of experience, so obviously the solution was more experience. Without knowing Cass was dyslexic, she couldn’t properly help her.)

Damn, DC, you really dropped the ball. Tell us that Cass is dyslexic far more often please, let people in her life accommodate her and help her. They’re the type of people who would help if they knew, imo, so let them do it!! Let them know, let them mention it, let them help.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some googling to do. I’m gonna go find out when Cass’s dyslexia was first explicitly mentioned. 👍

……

…

……

Okay, one (admittedly quick so I may have missed something) googling later tells me that Cass is never actually officially diagnosed as dyslexic, and all the screenshots I found show that she struggles to read but not that she actually has dyslexia on top of the experience-based language difficulties. I saw 0 canon mentions of dyslexia. (She is definitely dyslexia-coded, don’t get me wrong, and I don’t want to diminish the camaraderie that the dyslexia community had with Cass. But from what I saw, she’s not explicitly dyslexic.) Which means I can hop up on my soapbox and linguistics-nerd my way into a new theory about Cass’s language disabilities without violating canon, even if my theory is somehow a subcategory of dyslexia and I don’t realize it.

As a linguistics major who studied language acquisition in college (yes I’m about to be a super nerd about this hush) I actually am not sure if Cass being deprived of language truly counts as dyslexia. When you’re deprived of language as a child, the part of your brain that is meant to be used for it gets repurposed for other things. Even with training later on, they still can’t read, write, speak, or understand anything beyond the basics. (Thank you, unethical studies, for this intel.) Their brains quite literally no longer have the capacity to retain any linguistic information. They HAVE to develop language skills young if they ever want to be able to read. Which leads me back to Cass.

This is why I’m not actually 100% sure that this is actually dyslexia. Cass’s brain can only process language now because a telepath went in there and messed with her brain until he could speak to her (in her original origin at least, that may have since changed) so that’s why she can now use that part of her brain again. But that part of her brain is likely still performing whatever other function it got repurposed into doing (and even if that’s just the body reading thing she does, it still functions different than words, so my point still stands). So she had less brain capacity that she can allot towards English than most people do, since the Language Storage part is serving a dual function. I think that’s likely to be the true disability here - less of her brain is capable of being dedicated to language than most people’s. And I think that might not count as dyslexia. (I’m not a doctor and I can’t diagnose her though. I might be wrong. Take this with a grain of salt. But this doesn’t seem like true dyslexia to me, even if it presents in a similar way to dyslexia what with her struggling to read.)

I stand by what I said about Babs, though. Even if this is what’s really going on, Babs wouldn’t know - this isn’t her field of expertise. So she just thought it was lack of experience and the obvious solution was more experience, hence the comments she makes about Cass just needing to lock in and learn to read. So yeah. If she knew it was an actual brain problem (of any type, dyslexia or not) and not just an experience problem I bet Babs would’ve done far better in being able to accommodate Cass properly.

But yes. DC, one way or another, you’re dropping the ball. Let the awesome people in her life support her and let her be visibly disabled on page and subsequently accommodated properly.

TL;DR - whether Cass is dyslexic or just language deprived and suffering from the very real effects that has on the structure of a human brain, DC should actually talk about it more and have her accommodated more on screen, thank you very much.

Insane battakes/facts from me

Facts: there's decent ground to say Shiva's favorite Robin is Duke

Unlike Cassandra's other three parents, Shiva's shown to actually give a fuck about accommodating Cassandra's disabilities instead of trying to "fix" her.

Opinions:

Babs can be given genuinely any woman in the DCU as a ship and it's a great ship. I genuinely managed to sell people on ShivaBabs

Robins (2021) showed us that according to Bruce's best forecasting, Stephanie would have led the Titans if Bruce never existed.

Ahh—hii! I love you!!

I've always believed that Shiva’s most tolerable(?) Robin is Tim. Not a favorite, exactly—she clearly has distain for him. She’s more dismissive than anything and honestly that’s super nice of her given how entitled Tim can act. That said, I could totally see her fav being Duke—if there's a specific interaction or comic you’re thinking of, I’d love to hear about it!

The audiobook Shiva records for Cassandra in Batgirl? It’s such a rare moment of consideration from Shiva and I just— Shiva’s treatment of Cass’s dyslexia is one of the few things she does better than Babs.

Babs is by no means a flawless parental figure for Cass—but she sure as hell is better than the other options.

Also; it's criminal how often Cass’s dyslexia gets erased or ignored in fanon in favor for the “fully mute” propaganda. The full-mute-background-flawless-ninja idea flattens her character, removes her agency, and can veer into ableism as well as racial stereotyping.

Babs could absolutely be with any woman, no question. The DinahBabs arguments are sooo compelling. I love Dinah and Ollie so much, and I, personally, don’t really see DinahBabs prevalent in most canon, but even then I can’t say I blame you if you ship it. (I am, however, wondering how you managed to argue for ShivaBabs?)

Makes me sad when DC forces her to be with Dick so that they can sell the Batfam as a secluded brand. Babs could do so much better.

Also, yes! I read Robins (2021) a while back and it really solidified for me how much better Steph does when Bruce isn’t there to interfere. Like, her growth, independence, and confidence just soar when she’s outside his influence. (The art was also stunning??)