#and on some level identifying with those people and trying to deny that feeling to yourself?

[thecaduceusclay]

i vitally think the whole transfem thing for lawrence is a very complicated thing. like the way real gender often is. you know how often you see transmascs who are still lesbians cause that was step one in the journey and that identity is still important to them? yeah. like that.

[hlizr50]

I was shown a post this morning (I think it was from Tumblr, but I'm not 100% sure) where someone asked if maybe something was LOST IN TRANSLATION because so many Gwynriel shippers aren't native English speakers.

Now...

I'm going to give this person the benefit of the doubt and believe that they truly don't mean anything negative by the question, even though the implications are... harmful to say the least.

Here's the deal, guys.

There are Gwynriel shippers all around the world because there are ACOTAR readers all around the world. The ship is not localized to a region or a language.

When people read books, the words on the page send a message. Sometimes, if we're super casual readers, the messaging is limited or we don't read a ton into it. For other readers who choose to delve deep into how the author writes to try to understand what might come next, it is obviously a bigger investment.

But at the end of the day, we all read the SAME BOOK (and bonus content) and those words made us all feel different ways. Made us want or predict different things. And that's all well and good. The problem comes up when we try to explain why we feel the way that we do.

I'm an engineer. Even though I enjoy creative writing and art, my brain is practical. I like having evidence. I like being able to identify trends and make an educated prediction based on them. As someone who ships Gwynriel, I have never denied that there are canonical moments where Azriel and Elain have some level of... something. On page. It would be ignorant of me to say that those moments don't exist. However, for the most part FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN, when a Gwynriel shipper tries to use canonical evidence to support their ship -- WHICH EXISTS -- it's a constant barrage of 'that's not what that means' or 'how could you read that romantically?' or 'Gwyn is just a side character'. And then there are the blatant hypocrisies, like how Azriel saving Elain from Hybern is romantic but Azriel saving Gwyn at Sangravah should never be mentioned ever again.

I guess what this long-winded ramble is trying to say is that there's nothing lost in translation. We've read the same story, and we believe Gwynriel makes sense. We lean on canon and trends in the author's style to support the ship, and then we headcanon the hell out of it, because fandom is supposed to be fun like that. Some people read the story and believe that Elriel makes sense, and that's perfectly fine. But don't come at a Gwynriel shipper, attacking their textual evidence with your headcanon that Elain was barely existed in ACOSF bc she was apparently training to be a spy and she and Azriel were falling in love completely off-page with nothing to show for it.

And don't you dare make an implication so blatantly out of bounds like blaming it on some strange translation error that somehow miraculously makes Gwynriel makes sense, but only if it's not in English. Like... give me a break. And... think about what you're saying. For A SINGLE MOMENT.

[atlantis-just-drowned]

Okay I can't fucking take it anymore I need to lay all of the proofs on the table and figure out whether or not I'm actually crazy

This is not a mental health coming out post. Or maybe it is. Who fucking knows. I'm just trying to figure out whatever the fuck is going on with my brain.

I've been running around in circles for more than a year trying to find the truth while simultaneously denying it. Here I'm just going to list it all under the cut once and for all. And then, I don't know, I'll just hope for the best.

For most of my life I've always been experiencing conflicts "with myself", or my "conscience", or whatever I called it. I always felt cut in small parts, like there was something inside of me fighting against me

This has been a recurrent subject in my life. I started writing diaries at 11 years old and ever since then, there has been multiple entries, spread over several years through all of those diaries talking about "the little guys in my head", "the different parts of me", "the other half of me", "me and my conscience", etc, etc etc... I even wrote dialogues between them

I've been through a fair lot of traumas in my childhood. My coping mechanism at the time was to escape in my imagination, to invent worlds were I was someone else, with a different name and different personality, and I lived a different life. I thought there was a door in my wall that let me access to this "other dimension". I had a lot of imaginary friends. Basically I dissociated a lot

This one might be slightly less meaningful but I've had sudden personality/taste changes happening to me more than once through my life. When I was younger I suddenly stopped liking crepes and affirmed I never liked them when I very much did, though I can't remember ever liking the taste. My parents won't ever stop retelling this tale as they swear it happened so out-of-the-blue that they never understood what has happened to me. Later in middle school, I didn't like mangas and found them weird, until I woke up one morning and suddenly I loved them, without transition. It just hit me like a flash. More generally, I never truly felt like I was the same person through all of my life. It's like different me's existed at different periods, in cuts, and got replaced by another me after a while, but are still all existing inside of my head

Those changes can also happen on short periods of times. I'll start feeling weird and disconnected from my body, and behave/talk/walk/write differently from the usual. I had people asking me if I was intoxicated when I was completely sober, because I didn't "seem like myself". I had moments where I suddenly felt like an 8 years old child. I don't always recognize myself in the mirror. My gender change like the weather in a way where it's not mine, but it's like another gender overlaps my own. The pitch of my voice can also change

I never experienced black outs. I've seen people talk about the concept of "grey outs" which I recognize myself in, and more generally there's events or entire periods of my life I can't remember about, or barely, and in a way where I know the facts at an intellectual level but have no distinct, first-person memories of it. But no black outs. I'm always here but different, or floating above my body, but never absent

However, I do experience strong thoughts that aren't my own. Sometimes they're directly addressing to me. It's not voices but like very clear and distinct messages sent through my brain

I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel like an impostor and a bitch for even just talking about it. I know for certain that I don't have DID. As I said, I do not experience black outs and some other symptoms of this disorder, and I do not recognize myself entirely in the experience of DID systems.

Ever since I started giving more place to those 'parts', I started identifying distinct ones, with their own traits, quirks, personalities, vibes, etc. Close friends of mine also identified some of them over time. Some of them always had names that they identified with right away. But most importantly, they all have a "special goal/function/trait" that's specific to them, and for some of them, their origin can be traced way back in my childhood and their influence has been identified at different periods and in different aspects of my life

I came back later to realise I forgot to mention this, but I do experience depersonalisation and/or derealization a lot. I have stronger episodes when experiencing specific things but on a daily basis I'm almost always "not entirely here"

So what am I doing this post for? No fucking idea, honestly. Maybe so that I can't keep pretending like there's nothing happening. Maybe so that the people around me will understand a bit more what's going on with me. Maybe so that someone will tell me I'm not going crazy or faking it. The only thing I know is that if I don't post this now, I'm going to chicken out yet again and never be fucking honest about it. I'm kinda tired of ruminating the problem all alone, and if I don't reach out I'll never trust my own judgement on this issue. So let's just do this and see what happens.

[l-in-the-light]

Hey 😊, i also have some romantic Law questions: ❤️💋

How would Law confess?

How would a date with him look like?

Would he initiate first time sex?

Oh, more romantic relationship questions, lets go!

How would he confess? Probably something along those lines:

"Don't make me worry that much ffs"

"I don't like bread"

"Moon is pretty tonight" (whoever gets the reference is a chad)

"D. will bring the storm"

"If he loses, I will die with him"

"Thanks, you showed me something interesting"

"Don't shout, you idiot!"

What, you don't think those are suitable lines for confessing his feelings? But each of them carried such emotional weight, it was definitely heavier than a love confession! Anyway, my point is, he probably wouldn't do it directly. It would depend on the context of the situation and be very vague, but his feelings would get across. He might finally do the "I love you" when he's literally seconds from dying just to spare himself having to live on with all the drama and cheesiness afterwards. I beg you not the "thanks for loving me" line, I had enough heartbreak the first time. Or not, who knows :D Considering the confession is indirect, he wouldn't wait for the "right moment" or make any preperations for romantic mood or place. He's a natural like that. I'm so funny, I know.

A date with Trafalgar Law. Well, it depends who you are in that scenario. But overall I think he wouldn't call it a date, only in a hindsight, and just to mess with you, like "what else it could have been", meanwhile denying it every second when the date is actually happening. What a troll. But he would definitely spoil his significant other to no end. And I mean it when I say to no end. Let's assume you like Harry Potter, he would take you to Universal Studios Harry Potter theme park just so you both can drink butterbeer while walking around Diagon Alley set, even if he had to travel half a globe for it. Yes, just for a freaking date. That's the level of dedication we're talking about. His pampering knows no limits, you might actually at some point try to run away screaming. He wouldn't mind doing stuff that do not interest him in the slightest, as long as you're having fun, and he would make sure not to complain because he knows it's important for you.

He would know exactly what type of places, movies, food, presents etc. would make you happy without needing to ask you about it, because he's a good listener and is very observant. He actually likes to spoil people this way, but he would prefer for them not to know it comes from him. He might go as far as to tell you a blatant lie "Oh you dreamed of coming here? What a coincidence" while in reality he planned every minute of it. Don't expect a smile or a laugh though, if you get one smirk you might consider yourself lucky. Whispering sweet-nothings and other lovey-dovey talk is definitely out of question and it would make him actually cringe. You might sometimes hear a casual compliment though.

Occassionaly his partner might want to do something on the date that Law enjoys the most. I guess that means they're signing up for a "wandering aimlessly for days in the wild" date at that moment, good luck! He might not make you suffer through the tour of antique stores just so he can find some rare coins to collect (I do believe him to be considerate after all), but he might consider taking you with him to a Sora convention. It would be the highest honour. He will not cosplay though, he would be too embarrassed for that.

Law believes in equality so you're splitting bills half-half, no matter if you're a boy, a girl, or identify as something else. But when you run out of money he will protest, complain, and pay for you anyway, because he wants his partner to be happy. If you would lie that you don't have money just to be spoiled, he would pretend he doesn't know and would still "fall for it". Unless you're Luffy who never has any money or spends it in 5 seconds, then I guess Law is doomed to be penniless as the result of the date. He actually wouldn't mind and would accept his fate, but watch him wearing a sour face all the time.

He's surprisingly a traditional guy (his parents brought him up to be very decent), so don't expect a kiss before a third date lol. And even then he might just not do it anyway. If he's aroace like I tend to believe he is, good luck ever getting that kiss :D The date itself probably won't be very romantic, more like a friends going out, but is that really a bad thing? After all isn't the fact you both enjoy each other's company and wouldn't want to spend that time with anyone else enough to be happy?

Holding hands might happen from time to time, but only if you're in secluded place when no people are watching you. Considering touch is a big deal to him, that's the biggest intimacy you can expect out of any date with him.

Sometimes his reckless side might show up (or all the time, if you're freaking Luffy), and he would do some crazy shanenigans he would instantly regret, but after a while think back on and smile to himself about. But he only does those when provoked or dragged into someone's pace!

Would he initiate first-time sex? Definitely not! Again, if we go with my headcanon, he wouldn't even be interested much in sex in the first place. But let's assume he would be, he still would wait for the other person to initiate it, because again, his problematic relation to closeness and touch would definitely prevent him from asking for it, even if he would yearn for it badly. Especially the first time would be a big deal, because in his head he constantly expects people to reject him, even people close to him. Maybe by the third time he would try to show more reciprocation. Any form of intimacy definitely would mean a world to him simply because his partner isn't repulsed or rejecting him. Sadly it would prevent him from cuddles and constant contact, he would claim it's because he's not into that, but he would be just hiding his fears behind that lie. It would definitely take a lot of time and effort to get him any closer to opening up about it.

This was a cute question, thanks, I had fun answering it :) I hope you enjoyed reading it too!

[fayrinferno]

Shower Thoughts on AI Art

I think my aversion to AI art is not a secret and there's ton of posts that I agree with and I could not have put better. Still, I will try to collect a few thoughts of why it's so shitty and depressing for me. No, it's not even because I draw and write a little and I feel threatened by it and the art theft it entails (at my level I just don't). This is more of a consumer standpoint.

AI art for me is like watering down the same teabag 20 times, yeah, you got the ingredients correct and you got some result out of it. But is it still tea? Anyway, you don't care, you water it down the 21st time and the water doesn't even color, so what now? You figure out you just need to put some artificial colorant into hot water and you can call it a tea. Like they do it in the food adverts. Replacing actual food with delicious-looking chemicals. You can make so many cups of tea-looking liquid with just one tiny bit of colorant. You can skip the whole growing the plant, picking the leaves, drying them and whatnot, even something as minor as unpacking the teabag each time... and you get a nice looking cup of tea without all the effort! It's easier, quicker, cheaper. People will eventually get used to the new definition of tea. Except it's poison.

But before you even started slowly poisoning people with it, you devaluated what tea should be. You watered it down till all the taste disappeared and it became colored water that you could replace with... well, colored water.

You can pop these "works" out like microwave popcorn. You can post 20 of them online in an hour. You and everyone else. You are making trash out of a rare and precious good, to be sold at dumping price. In all human history, people who created masterpieces had honed their skills for months, years, and enjoyed the respect of people, sometimes good money (or at least some of them did; more deserved it). Even those who would create forgeries of their work had to train for years to be able to do that. You will just render that effort useless, stupid, laughable. So why should anyone bother and waste their time, train for years, and yet beggar themselves with a worthless trade? The pool of talent will get smaller and skills will deteriorate so I wonder what would the AI feed upon then? Upon itself? Or will it just rehash endlessly what was created before this cursed decade?

And so, we're quickly getting to the poison point. If something is not done to limit it, AI will stop making those dumb mistakes it does now. You will no longer be able to identify it, discern it from human-made art, from real photos, videos. You will be able to not only create flawless masterpieces; you will render your own reality. Manipulating the masses will become even easier than it is right now.

And this is happening to art, you know, the thing that always had our backs and souls in time of crisis. Like the one that is already here. Instead of helping with the crisis, helping us to better lives, AI targets one of the last pillars of hope. One that should inspire us to imagine a better world.

When I saw an amazing piece of art, I used to feel admiration and inspiration, imagining the mind, talent, skill, effort, training, time, energy, emotion that went to it. The artwork itself was just the tip of the iceberg. Now, I squint at it like, AI or not? I will never trust a newcomer artist again. Digital art makes many things easier already, that can't be denied. Combined with AI, it will just make creating great artwork laughably easy. Even if it IS an artist that has (and is willing to train and use) some skill, AI can make it so much easier for them. Soon, there will be no telling between a real artist and a total hack. I can look at the artwork and even like what I see, but guess I will never feel that genuine wonder, genuine emotion again. Maybe I'll only find those feelings in the galleries. I will only trust the artist of ye olde, before 2023, who I know could create those amazing things with their own skills. And same goes for writers, I assume. Luckily, there are tons of human-made writing I still haven't read, human-made art I haven't enjoyed. If I can't find something to entertain, I still can create something to entertain myself. I'll find and pick the herbs myself, dry them, make an infusion. But I know I won't have to resort to poison laced with theft.

tl;dr I'll never support something that ruins human motivation to create. Because that leaves us only the other human thing, which is the opposite.

[snowylupus]

🐺 My Therianthropy and Me 🐺

I thought it would be interesting to write down how I view myself as a Therian. If you'd like to read, then check out the rest of this post below!

I identify with Therianthropy as it's defined here, which is a person who experiences being and identifies as a non-human animal on an integral, personal level.

I don't see myself as anything but wolf; however, I still accept and understand that my physical body is human.

»»-----------► My Awakening 🐺

My first realization that I was different is when I was between the ages of 6 and 12. Just like most kids from my generation, I loved playing 'animals'. I'd group up with others on the playground and we would all pretend to be different animals, interacting and running around like animals would. For me, I always chose to be a wolf. It didn't feel like 'acting' and it felt freeing. I felt extreme happiness being a wolf. Yet, as we all got older, the other kids grew out of pretending and I didn't change. I kept having urges, instincts, 'feelings' that I couldn't form into words but knew made me different from everyone else.

At first I was scared. I grew up in a very 'cult-like' religious household where mostly everything that wasn't associated with God or the Church was considered the Devil. Freedom of expression was non-existent and I was terrified that I was possessed by some demon. So for a while, I tried to deny what I felt, but it never went away.

By the time I did reach 12, I started to accept that whatever was happening to me was real and I needed to find out what. Sadly, I didn't really have anyone to talk to so it took me a while to figure things out. Luckily, when I turned 13, my parents finally got me my first computer and Dial-Up internet. That's when I used the internet to search for what I could be.

I didn't get far at first, coming across things like werewolves and shifters, some old Native Indingenous tales, and European myths. I almost had given up until, finally, I discovered the term therianthropy.

Come 2010, when I was nearing 14, I finally found out what I was - a therian. I searched and searched, studied hard to find all I could about this new term. It was hard considering I had to do it either late at night or when my parents weren't home, but eventually, I learned enough to be confident in my identity. I joined a site or two to try and talk to more therians, but most were adults and it was hard to find connections. Thankfully, a few older therians talked with me and gave me some more insight as to what being a therian was. When I told them about myself, they only confirmed it more for me. Come 2011, I joined my first ever 'pack'. It was more like a upport network for therians, animal-people and those who otherwise identify as partially non-human or animalistic. But for me, it became a home, a family of others who guided me and helped me with my self-discovery.

That's more or less how I awoken. From what I now know as mental shifts as a kid to joining my first therian site, to now as an older therian, that was my whole experience.

»»-----------► Being a Wolf 🐺

Reading newer terms today, I find it necessary to explain how I identify with the Therian term.

It's mostly a spiritual aspect, though I do acknowledge some psychological reasoning behind it. I feel mostly, though, that I'm a wolf because my soul is a wolf. I connect myself with my soul, one in the same, and I am inhabiting a human body. Therefore, I'm a wolf in a human body, experiencing and living life like humans do. I don't know why I came to reincarnate as a human as I don't really experience much in terms of past life memories - minus some flashback images, triggered scents, and heart pulls when looking at certain landscapes/nature images.

For me personally, being a wolf and being human is a balance. I feel, as a therian, one should combine the two aspects of themselves for they are both part of who you are. That's what I do, anyways, and it makes life easier to comprehend when species dysphoria gets in the way. By reminding myself that it's a gift to be doing what most wolves can't, I'm able to let go of the sadness that comes with missing my original form. That's not to say I don't miss it; often my species dysphoria can climb to dark heights, but it's rare now. My phantom limbs help me a lot, too, being able to feel my ears and tail, claws, sharp canines, muzzle, and even fur in the colder temperatures.

╰┈➤ ❝ [Discovering My Theriotype] ❞ When I did discover I was a therian, canine naturally came with it. I always acted canine like as a kid, around our dogs, and it felt so natural. Yet when I was first asked what my theriotype was, I couldn't answer. Dog didn't feel right at all, not even close, but I didn't know how to figure it out. After talking with other therians at the time, and after trying out their methods of full body phantom shifts, I quickly was able to make a short list.

At first, I thought I was a coyote. My howls were high pitched some times, I yipped, and I liked the environment I was in (I was born in raised in South Louisiana). Soon, though, I noticed some therian characteristics that just didn't match. My next thought was then wolf. As soon as I thought it, I felt a tug, a pull. Like someone inside was saying 'yes'.

As I looked into them more, I found myself no longer 'thinking' but 'feeling' that I was a wolf. I no longer said "my theriotype is a wolf" but instead, "I am a wolf".

After I confirmed wolf, it was even harder trying to distinguish what species of wolf. There were so many. I had some therians tell me it didn't matter, that I was a wolf and I didn't need to know anything further. I wanted to know, though, because of course Mexican wolf didn't fit, I hate the heat. Despite loving swimming, I wasn't a Coastal wolf as I didn't like eating fish that much. I felt drawn to mountains, to wide open plains, thick pine forests, and I loved venison meat. I also noted that I loved colder weather, I thrived in it. I couldn't stand hot summers; still can't. My phantom fur was just too thick to be capable of withstanding hotter temperatures. When I took all of that into account, I discovered two types of wolves I could be: the Arctic Wolf and the Tundra Wolf.

Some people might say they're the same wolf, but that's not true. The Arctic Wolf lives only in the Arctic Circle while the Tundra Wolf ranges further down and can be found throughout Northern Europe and Asia from Northern Finland to the Kamchatka Peninsula, from the far north of Russia into the Arctic. I studied those two wolves for a few months, gauging which I felt closest to.

Finally, after realizing the Arctic was too far north in landscapes I didn't feel connected to, I discovered I was a tundra wolf!

Anyways, that's me as a therian! I kind of rambled in some places and didn't really have a layout for this post; just sort of typed what I thought.

To sum it all up into a simple statement; I am wolf and wolf I always will be.

[patricide1885]

This is just an emotional vent, because I know. You know. Like I know. And I know that a lot of people won't consider these emotions valid because they can't grasp that I try to separate them from how I actually act and my beliefs. All emotions are valid. And I'm order to be the healthiest person possible I have to process them, which means anyone giving me a hard time for venting on here is going to be immediately blocked and I'm not going to entertain it. I empathize with and enthusiastically support the rights of the people I'm about to complain about.

I feel I bring up autism a lot but it feels like such a huge theme of the things I have to deal with in my life especially regarding trans and leftist stuff. And I have nuance, I know how different people with autism are from each other, including trans people with autism, and a lot absolutely aren't like this, to where my favorite people are often trans people with autism including very online trans people with autism, but it's like a subtype of autism that's very common among trans people that keeps getting to me.

And as a trans person I feel chained to some kind of very online autistic trans twin of that specific type that:

Doesn't have the same experiences as me and has no understanding nor empathy for them

Thinks no one should want to pass and be stealth and those who do are bad

Is cringe and has horrible and often humiliating optics that in turn get thrown at me and I feel I have to protect myself from the reprocussions of

That is always casting the spotlight on me as I desperately want to get out of the spotlight

That is overtly transphobic towards me despite also being trans. Like identifying me as an AFAB as if that's my real gender, calling me they, getting mad at me for being masculine in completely harmless ways

That avoids and denies inconvenient or unpleasant realities (I've never heard of this being an autism thing but I keep seeing it everywhere with autistic trans people, especially ftms) even if doing so causes real harm, even bodily harm.

That doesn't actually really fit the norms of the gender they identify as, and don't care to, which I agree, isn't the point nor is necessary, and I think simply wanting to be another gender is enough reason to transition regardless of whether you "seem" like that gender. This wouldn't be a problem in a world without transphobia. But the effect of when trans people all seem like their agab rather than their actual gender in this world is that only non queer people very out of the loop actually see trans people as the gender they are. And it wears on me. And the only way for me to escape it is to be stealth.

And just how clueless and unserious they all seem. How naive and childish. I feel like I'm in danger. Like I'm surrounded by a bunch of toddlers in a room full of nuclear launch codes. People talk about children being cringe so we shouldn't take them seriously, but most of these people are adults, they just aren't really operating at that level.

I genuinely am starting to think that for a lot of autistic trans people the etiology or context and content of their transness is different than mine. Or maybe it's just that they don't really grasp what gender is in the first place so they're just self actualizing in a world that has significantly starker gender discernment criteria (in terms of the social norms) than they do.

And I like trans women way better than trans men in that regard, largely because I'm not a trans woman so I don't look out at them in order to try to understand myself, and trans women are often really good at things and intelligent and hilarious, so I think some of this is obviously a problem with my neuroticism and warped view of the world, but still I can't find many trans men that I can see the beauty of in that way.

I just wish I didn't have to be paired with people that I don't relate to at all and who are making my life feel so unstable and dangerous. I just want to be left alone and be free to just be a person in the world without having to be concerned about these people and what they are doing.

And at the same time I also find myself feeling alone, I don't expect to relate to other trans people in general. And the soft animal of my body or whatever is sad about that. I can't use other trans people as inspiration or sources of information a lot of the time. They are supposed to be the ones out there that relate to my problems, but they don't. I don't recognize them at all. This isn't a point of pride. I'm not like a "trutrans" or anything. They're just very different people with very different values.

[7loveneverfails]

I had a thought, and since I didn't want it connected to my tumblr and remembered a post you'd written about a similar matter before, I wished to send it to you as an ask if you don't mind:

I think the rise of feminism and the loss of traditional gender roles in society is playing a big part in the trans ideology, because there's a bunch of confused young girls and women who are trying to find a place for them, and then at a vulnerable time they are hit with that ideology and it seems (if you have no reason to disbelieve it) all nice and cutesy and right, despite the fact that it's actively dangerous. Some, of course, will have felt varying levels of dysphoria from their childhood, but to validate those feelings will only make it worse, even if it appears to cure dysphoria.

(I say this as a woman who has experienced dysphoria since early teens, and who only found out about the trans ideology within the last couple of years.)

I'm not denying that it's hard at times! Just that it's clearly observable that there's an explosion of biological females identifying as anything but, and I suspect that part of it is connected to feminism.

I would love to know your opinion on the matter! God bless you.

(If you wish I am potentially willing to dm to discuss it further; not for certain, but maybe.)

Thanks for your time, and sorry this ask is a bit longer than I intended it to be!

I think it does play a big part definitely because our sex is such a basic part of our identity, when that element is thrown in a fog of confusion, its so difficult to understand ourselves and how we relate to the world around us and by blurring the lines and down playing the importance of gender roles in society we have made it to where we can't really support those that don't fit in the traditional roles. If we reduce the number of people fulfilling the roles, we end up with less support for those who can't.

We can't all just be doing our own thing and living our own truth, society will cease to function.

I think puberty is a big part also. Not only are girls uniquely set up by feminist ideas to be susceptible to it, but our reaction to our puberty is more prone to it. If the idea gets in a girls head that if she feels uncomfortable in her body, maybe she isn't a girl, and then she goes through puberty, where she feels uncomfortable in her own body because everyone does going through puberty, she can easily fall prey to it.

It sounds like being nice and fighting for people's rights, but the impact is ruining lives, especially of young women who otherwise would have grown up to have happy fulfilled lives but now they have to deal with the damage done to their minds and bodies.

I am probably wandering off of the point now, but yes, I think feminism laid the ground work for the gender and trans ideologies to take root for sure. And I think it has caused it to hit girls more than boys.

[bluepulsebluepulse]

To the DDoS Attackers of AO3

I’m going to try and force my thoughts into some semblance of order regarding the recent DDoS attack against AO3; which is extremely hard to do considering I am so angry that I can barely think straight.

I may not know exactly who was behind this… I may not even know the true motivations or goals of the individuals behind this attack… But the one thing I do know is this…

Whoever you are... You deserve to experience suffering on a level that equates to all the grief you’ve caused others through your selfish actions.

Now, I know that wishing pain upon others isn’t taking the high road, but I’m simply incapable of it with everything currently going on in the world. These people are denying access to a service that many people, quite frankly, need.

AO3 is not defined just by it’s content.

It’s a place to escape reality; a coping mechanism. It’s something that improves quality of life. This is especially important for those who experience mental health issues and struggle with conditions like depression, anxiety, and more. For some, it’s the only way to find comfort after a long, hard day at work. For others, it’s literally an aid to help them fall asleep.

It’s a creative outlet. Suffice to say, exercising your brain is vital to good mental well-being. In addition, writing can also allow people to express their emotions, process grief or trauma, and gain clarity on issues going on in their own life. It’s cathartic. It’s happiness. It’s art.

It’s a place to make friends and embrace communal positivity and support. Whilst it may not be one of the most common places to make friends, it does happen. And for those who met elsewhere, it’s still a place to bond and share gifts. More than that, it’s the place associated with that rewarding feeling that you get when you either give or receive kudos’, comments and bookmarks on works. All that stands between smiling all day is one flattering comment.

And that’s me just getting started… AO3 is so many things, but because I’m trying not to write an autobiography right now, I’m trying to keep this rant to a minimum. Besides, I want to save my energy for the next work I end up writing.

I don’t care if AO3 contains content that could be considered heinous, repulsive or downright twisted to the point that some may need therapy after reading it. The point is, if it’s not hurting anybody, or impeding upon anybody’s rights as a human being, then it should be allowed. This of course comes with the caveat that a tagging system must be enforced to correctly identify potential triggers to readers (which AO3 offers). The only way this system fails is if writers accidentally or intentionally mislead readers by incorrectly tagging their work (which is rare - and there are also ways to rectify this including communication with the content owner or submitting a report to AO3).

Above all else, adults are more than capable of navigating the site and consuming whatever content interests them. They’re also capable of evaluating the risks involved with specific works that may be an issue for them. For any readers under the age of eighteen, parents or caregivers should be held responsible for deciding whether to manage content consumption or to disallow access altogether. It’s the same concept as choosing whether or not to see a film based on its rating or locking the adult channels on a television.

I understand that the issue here isn’t the tagging system; it’s the content itself. But the attackers’ efforts to stop freedom of speech are futile and pointless. If the AO3 fanbase aren’t reading or sharing content on AO3, we’ll do it elsewhere.

So again… Turning my attention to those who are responsible for this attack… I know I’m probably wasting my breath here but… 

Get a life and go do something that’s actually meaningful with it.

[bibisbooktalk]

Book Review: Sinner by Sierra Simone

I read Sinner last month and I've been pushing back the review since then. But here it is! I will try not to spoil anything from the book for those interested in reading it.

Title: Sinner (book 2 in the Priest series)

Year of publication: 2018

Reading time-line: December 28, 2023 to January 6, 2024

Trigger Warnings: Loss, suicide, religious trauma, sexual trauma, death, illness

Content: large age gap between characters (they are both adults), explicit sex, religion (Catholicism), cursing

Age rating: Adult

Spice level: 🌶🌶🌶🌶.5/5 

Review:

I was skeptical about this book at first. I found the audio book on Spotify first back in November 2023. I listened to the first few chapters, and instantly knew I had to get the book. I felt identified with the story for numerous reasons, most of them personal, so I won't delve too much into the why's. However, I will say, as someone having a hard time with religion, this book, ironically, made me analyze myself in many ways. Sean's spiritual battle through the book was beautifully written, and it was truly wonderful to see him grow as a person, not necessarily in a religious sense, but in the sense that everything led him to change for the better.

Sean's character is interesting, I liked that the story was told from his point of view, since I'm not used to reading books in men's POV. I loved how in love he was with Zenny the whole time, and he never denied it. It was refreshing to have a character fully and happily acknowledge his feelings and not be like "Oh no, I can't feel this way cus this and that". (I would write "SIMP" every time he said or thought anything romantic or sweet about Zenny. That man was respectful, sweet, dedicated, caring, hardworking, protective, the definition of husband material. I swear if Zenny told him "let's run away together" that man would have disappeared with her in a heart beat. He was head over heels and it was so freaking cute.)

I was able to form an emotional connection to Zenny and Sean, so I think in the sense of goals, description, backstory, interactions, and personality, both characters were well written. Both of their developments were great, and their relationship felt natural. They had wonderful chemistry from the moment they met, and I enjoyed their dynamic.

I think Sierra Simone handled the topics/themes presented in the story very well. I couldn't stop crying for like 3 hours by the end. The plot really resonated with me, and bet it will resonate with many others. The themes have the potential to be relatable, and definitely a reminder to readers that they are not alone in their struggles.

This book, like smut readers call it, is p0rn with a plot. The story really makes you think a lot, it is our of people's comfort zone since it does deal with many difficult, maybe even controversial, topics.

This book wasn't 100% perfect. I did think some things were odd like the fact that Sean is way older than Zenny (like girly is a college student in her early 20's while he is in his late 30's and a businessman). The fact that he was always hard, like why are these men always horny? Like Zenny would breathe, and my man was already ready to jump her bones. Like chill babes...  I would have also liked to know a bit more about Zenny, mostly her point of view and thought process. There's other things, but they are spoilers, and most of them are just personal preferences rather than criticism.

Overall, I think I really needed to read this book. I'm glad I found it before Priest (that will be for another review...). It was good, it was definitely a new genre of tropes for me, and my first ever erotica. It's a relatively short (?) book (it took me a while because I ✨️procrastinate✨️) if you're looking for a quick read. I definitely recommend it.

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5/5

Note: One day my reviews will improve 💀

[pinksilvace]

This is such a specific question I'm sorry feel free to ignore it but I saw your post on ocd rep and it got me thinking, do you ever hear a one off comment from a person you think has some level of authority and it becomes a rule even though you don't really understand it/believe it and its actually a dumb hill to die on? But breaking that rule is extremely upsetting and might cause bad things to happen so you have to keep following it even though it's very inconvenient for everyone involved. Is that a thing or is that normal

Oh, absolutely! I'd say that that's both normal (i.e. relatively common, especially in social justice and religious spaces) and something that is a symptom of OCD, especially with how accessible information is right now.

I was thinking of something similar earlier today, actually. I hang pride flags on my walls since they make for good, large decorations, and I thought about how I would recommend doing so to anybody. Do they like the colors and/or consider themself an ally? That's a great reason to get a flag! Of course, some folks would say that only people of a certain identity should own certain flags, much less display them, but how does one identify an identity? How would one ethically police that? "Queer culture" itself is a misnomer - people of all cultures are queer, and nothing says that only gay people are allowed to pierce one ear but not the other or w/e. "Queer culture," as it is understood in many internet spaces, is White and USAmerican-centric anyway, and building strict rules within it is counterproductive, etc etc...

I especially understand what you mean when it comes to the subject of politics. There are many politically-oriented people in my life with a range of different views, and they express those views so passionately that it can be difficult to do anything but agree. My best advice when it comes to that is to slow down and acknowledge that it's okay for different people to have different opinions, and that includes you. It's hard. It takes a long time to embrace disagreement, even over little things, and that difficulty never really goes away, but it's still important to try.

Nothing you think can be held against you, and you do not owe anybody your thoughts. If you don't agree with someone and can't disagree with them, remaining silent is a completely valid option.

Ultimately, OCD is there to help you, albeit in a misguided fashion. Maybe it wants to keep you physically safe, or socially safe, or it wants society to see you as a "good" person, or it wants to grant you a modicum of control you have been denied elsewhere in your life. Rather than refuting it directly, I often find it helpful to acknowledge my OCD, thank it for caring, and let it know that it can settle down Marie Kondo-style. It's silly, but it's harm-free and it works.

This got completely ramble-y and I'm not sure if I properly addressed the question, but... hopefully this helped?

[girlreviews]

Review #491: Harry’s House, Harry Styles

I have never really taken much interest in One Direction or any of the solo careers of its members. A generation or two ahead. I gave “Fine Lines” a listen when it came out (which was previously on this list!) and didn’t think it was anything special. It does seem like Rolling Stone has really taken an interest in Harry Styles, and I don’t have any strong feelings about that either way.

Harry’s House is really fun. I’d go as far as saying that I like it. I can see myself putting this on in my car. As far as mainstream pop music goes, it’s interesting and different and has so many references to previous eras and artists in it that it’s possible I could spontaneously combust trying to identify them all. But I really enjoy that about it. If I got the chance I’d write a list of all the songs and artists I feel influenced this record and stick it in front of his face and ask him to confirm or deny it.

“As It Was” is a little 80s tribute and I’m not kidding you when I tell you if you wanted to sing “Take On Me” over the top of it, you can and it would work perfectly. I’m not saying you should, but maybe you should. It also sounds like Peter Schilling’s “Major Tom”. This is all very good stuff. If you haven’t heard that last song I just referenced, may I strongly encourage you to change that in the very immediate future.

“Little Freak” and “Matilda” really hurt my feelings (really really). I don’t want to talk about it but I do want to congratulate Harry on that. That’s what music is supposed to do. I’m glad that if he’s had this talent within him that he has been given the chance to make it happen, to work with the right people and to be taken seriously as an artist after a very particular start in the industry. Let’s hope for a day where every person who can write songs to hurt my feelings gets those opportunities also. Do you think as he ages he will experience feeling past his prime? No longer valuable? Marketable? That he has anything to offer?

With that being said, Cinema is a completely ridiculous song. A few of them lack substance here and there and that’s one of them. Not everything has to have substance and the actual music carries it, but it’s truly not very good. I think that’s okay though. When you’re actually pushing yourself some of what you make is gonna be not so great, and you’ll look back on it and cringe, but that same process yields tons of good shit. And you know what, it’s probably someone’s favorite song, so that’s really nice.

Something I think about a lot is just how young Harry Styles and the rest of the 1D boys were when they were launched into unbelievable fame and exposure on live TV every Saturday night right before our very eyes. How impossibly hard that must have been for them and they might not have even processed it until they were older (or have they even? Oof). I’ve kinda always been rooting for them. They were children.

The actual thing I always remember is that One Direction actually came runner up in that competition to Matt Cardle, which is wild. When they were all on stage celebrating, Harry Styles grabbed Matt Cardle and said in his ear “think how much pussy you’re gonna get”, and the cameras caught it. It was funny on so many levels. I really wonder if Matt Cardle got any additional pussy because I think winning X-Factor was probably one of the worst things to ever happen to him. And I think we all know how things went for Harry in that department. X-Factor used to be such a thing and what a weird time in our lives it was.

[dallasareaopinion]

A lay person’s discussion of the difference between agnostic and atheist; and further thoughts

I by no means am a theologian, apologist, or even moderately educated in religion, however I do have some thoughts on this subject that have consumed by brain on occasion. And tonight is one of those occasions so for my benefit I am attempting to write them down. I do this because it consumed by thoughts for a bit this evening and I want to see if I can expound on them to see if I can make sense of this madness permeating my thoughts. Also I do feel that general comparison do not get to the heart of the problem and also really address that if you believe which is worse.

So to start some basic definitions or explanations, an agnostic according to one source (Oxford definition)  is a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.

And I stress it is important to note the last sentence. I will come back to this point.

Atheism or atheists is in some cases broken down into various distinctions. Generally most people will define atheism has the belief there is no God. One resource not identified in my internet search says there is implicit atheism and explicit atheism and goes on to identify positive and negative atheism. This might be much for my thoughts tonight, yet I did want to mention that some identify more to atheism than I want to travel through.

And the definition of agnostic mentioned above is generally how I view it and so my off and on internal ramblings and arguments have stuck with this approach. Atheism though I have always viewed as more of an active approach to the belief in God and that their active approach I treat differently than the viewpoint that discusses the various distinctions mentioned above.

To me an atheist believes in God, that person is fighting that belief. Now at what level is where it gets murky. Or may I should phrase it an atheist is the active disbelief in God, however to disbelieve are you not denying existence and if you are denying existence then the act of denial is fighting against acceptance. Now even to me this argument does appear somewhat circular, however bear with me as an amateur writer to get to my point. I truly believe this thought and I cannot think of a better way to phrase it at the moment. Yet to fight against something means you are fighting it. So if you say no God exists, why does it matter to you to vocally denounce it. Unless there is something that is driving you to deny the existence.

I think people forget the fallen angel, Lucifer, the evil one or however you want to identify this entity not only believes in God, but is on a campaign to destroy God. Yet this is not the same as an atheist, but this entity may play a factor in why an atheist is an atheist or at least for some. Some atheists just may not want to own up to the fact that if you believe in God you must follow God. And most people that believe in God or the Judeo Christian world knows how hard it is to follow God. No small feat to live according to the teachings of God. Throw in the concept of faith and mysteries and your brain is mush in no time.

Let me get back on topic. An atheist can be what is described above as an implicit atheist or “the absence of theistic belief without a conscious rejection of it” (again there is a reference here, but I don’t have it and it is referencing another work. My apologies for the lack of thoroughness here). I do not believe though based on this reference that there is an implicit atheist. To me an atheist may be a person, but that person is a verb also. Their atheism is an action. They are creating action or wanting to create an action within someone else. This exact same argument can be made for a Christian, which tends to put an atheist as a person trying to convince someone there is no God. And here we are again. They are denying something, yet you have to believe it to exist to convince others not to believe in it.

A really bad example is saying that wonderful t bone steak you want to eat does not exist. I take the plate away and you no longer see it so why would you think you are going to eat it. And the way I phrased this sentence is important. To me atheists are wanting you to not believe in God because you cannot see, feel, touch, smell etc… God. There is no truth to a physical presence of God or none that can be identified or ascertained.

I work backwards here and as a teenager and long before I knew of St. Augustine I had a internal working knowledge of something St. Augustine said: “what you understand can’t possibly be God” As a teenager I struggled with religion, yet I believed in God. I didn’t articulate this as St. Augustine did, however I felt there was more to God than what I saw on TV from the tele evangelists or some of the churches I had attended. Church to me kept trying to define something that couldn’t be held essentially as if it could be held. And they worked hard at it. Now honestly I wasn’t catching onto the faith based arguments, and or maybe I couldn’t comprehend them. Which goes back to what you understand can’t possibly be God because God is beyond our comprehension. You hear God’s word, but until you realize where it derives or who is God is beyond our imagination. Some people try to manipulate your imagination and in doing so fail God.

And again back to topic. So why the big to do about the difference between agnostic and atheists tonight. For some reason I started thinking about which is worse, being an agnostic or being an atheist and surprisingly to me at the moment, yet the more I thought about it the more I felt I am correct. An atheist on the surface appears to be the worse of the two if you are a believer, however, remember I said they believe in God, they are trying to convince themselves and you not to believe. Hence their belief is misguided and can be addressed. I am not saying it will be easy because atheists can be true believers or in the case true non believers, so they tend to be entrenched into their believes. Yet, the argument is already in their brain so once past the entrenchment, another argument can be presented.

An agnostic has no belief. There is no argument, there is no denial, there is no existence or no reason to even contemplate the existence. The thought comes, the thought goes. Outside of curiosity or moving towards atheism an agnostic doesn’t care. And the not caring is the more dangerous aspect. Can you change a true (non) believer, possibly? Can you motivate someone who doesn’t care? Much harder. If the entity above is lazy then an agnostic is a best friend. An atheist for this entity takes constant work to keep them in line.

Just what this madness is about sometimes unsnaps a few synopsis.

And let’s move onto another topic that drives me mad. God is not liberal or conservative. These are man made constructs. So it irks the heck out of me when we get into the discussion of liberalism and conservatism in the Church. Does the Pope teach the faith, the magisterium, the sacraments, or is the Pope saying Jesus is not divine, not the Trinity, there is no apostolic tradition or any other tradition of the Church? That is how you tell if you the Pope is teaching and living the faith. If you do not agree with the Pope about certain people he is trying to reach out to and it pushes your acceptance of others, yes the Pope might be moving socially liberal points, but the Church does not become liberal because the Pope pushes buttons. If the Pope now says a marriage in the Church between two people of the same sex is now a sacrament then this Pope has strayed from the belief and should no longer be Pope. Adam and Eve defined marriage and is now a sacrament to further your communion with God. The Pope can say certain people need to be heard as people since it is our role as a Christian to reach out to those that need God in their lives. It is not our role to define whether a bishop or Pope is liberal or conservative as teachings of the Faith. Remember as Christians we are to love, even those that insult us, step on our toes, live a lifestyle not of our faith, and yes the proverbial enemy. We are not to judge. One of my favorite points in the Bible is after the people are told those that have not sinned throw the first stone the next moment is the people leave and the oldest are the first to leave. Yeah I ain’t young anymore so I can certainly understand where that is coming from. More importantly we are not God, we cannot judge. We can hold fast to our believes, our faith, our teaching, yet being liberal or conservative is not part of the Church. We pray for each other, not label each other. And if you ask me, if you are labeling either way, maybe it is time you spent some time with God, not man.

Finally to Bishop Barron. I have all the respect in the world for you and have enjoyed what you have done to further my knowledge of our faith. However this certified yellow check idea is horrible. How can we know the saints if we assume only certain people know the word of God? Hope you think about it. Goes back to the argument above, if the Pope loses it, who are we to trust unless we can identify the Pope or a Bishop has lost their way. And I am not talking about me, this post is definitely one man’s opinion, yet who is to say one person may come along that knows more or more specifically taught more than all of us. Would Moses get a yellow check?

Happy birthday Mom

[intrusivethoughts369]

Bridging Themes Between “District 9” and the Holocaust

This last blog post is going to be a heavy one, to say the least. We frequently identify references and analogies in the realms of art and storytelling that shed light on many aspects of human experience. While respecting the sensitivity of the issue, this blog post seeks to analyze some thematic connections between the film "District 9" and Jewish experiences during the Holocaust. I was watching, and even reading about “District 9” and I felt there were similar treatment to the Jews during the coming of the second world war. Granted, the similarities jump from a fictional film to the extreme of that end so as we proceed with this post, it is critical to address these issues with reverence, understanding the Holocaust’s unique historical importance and influence on mankind. As a jewish person myself, these connections and parallels hit home more than most. There is a world where someone who reads this will feel offended or have an increased sensitivity to the subject matter so I deeply apologize in advance. 

In “District 9” the extraterrestrials are officially classified as an alien race who are restricted within the walls of an isolated slum. Similarly, Jews were subjected to dehumanization and marginalization within ghettos throughout the entirety of the holocaust. The deliberate efforts to strip them of their identities and reduce them to objects of ridicule and inhumane status match the film's brutal language and treatment.

The aliens are confined to a controlled region in "District 9," where they are denied of basic resources and subjected to severe living circumstances. This is similar to the experiences of Jews who were forcibly transported to overcrowded ghettos with restricted access to food, healthcare, and other necessities. Both instances demonstrate the systematic violation of fundamental human rights and the purposeful degradation of a certain population.

The people in the Holocaust and the main characters in "District 9" both showed extraordinary tenacity and acts of resistance despite the terrible circumstances. In order to overthrow the repressive society, the movie's protagonist Wikus forms an alliance with one of the aliens. Jews similarly displayed acts of defiance, cultural survival, and struggles against the regime inside the ghettos and concentration camps. These actions demonstrate humanity's persistent resilience and its will to maintain independence and dignity in the face of unimaginable adversity.

I am not discrediting the magnitude of atrocities the Holocaust served and I surely am not trying to exacerbate the films message of oppression to the level of what the holocaust was like, however, it is important to recognize the unique themes in both situations and understand that we want a world where neither of the two occur ever again. If we extrapolate the emotions we feel toward the Holocaust and relate them to “District 9,” then maybe people can use empathy and agony to rid the world of oppression toward marginalized groups. Again, it is important to note that a highly terrible and unique historical occurrence, the Holocaust resulted in unimaginable agony and loss. The millions of lives that are touched by comparisons should be treated with the utmost care and sensitivity.

Exploring oppression, dehumanization, and resiliency themes enables us to consider the commonality of these experiences as well as the value of remembering and gaining knowledge from the past. We may work to build a more accepting and compassionate society by comprehending and empathizing with the hardships endured by underrepresented populations.

Let us keep in mind the significance of the Holocaust and the need for respectful remembering when we engage in art and storytelling, so that we may honor the memories of those who suffered and ensure that such horrors are never repeated.

[mylasttwobraincellsandi]

I have lately been rather afraid of living in my own country for a multitude of reasons. One is the government. Im not Hindu and the government's literal policy is hindutwa. I don't see the full effect of it because I'm lucky enough to be from a well to do household but I do see women coming to my grandmother's house saying that her slum was razed and children beaten.

Less than a year ago Hijabs were banned and students went to the supreme courts to fight but were denied. That begs the question, how long until all our rights are denied?

They perhaps didn't look at the implications of banning hijabs but it will definitely lead to a lower literacy rate within the group with the lowest literacy rate.

They are erasing our identities or at least trying to yet they forget that before Pakistan was a country, those who are now Pakistanis were Indians too.

The other is the education policy. I don't deny the fact that reservation is important but I still fear that I'll never be able to pursue higher studies despite working hard since as long as I remember

I want to leave India, I want to go to another country to study but that makes me feel guilty because how can I say that I love my country if I leave ir

https://www.tumblr.com/mylasttwobraincellsandi/711638452959133696/i-think-i-wanna-bring-this-post-back-into?source=share

Anyway I saw this and got inspired because I fucking hate Modi so much its unreal

I am glad people like you speak up. It makes me so fucking happy. My hatred for Modi and BJP runs deep. I won't go on a rant, but they pose a very real and very active threat to our democracy. As a law student, it is downright horrifying to see what they are doing. The public is too blinded by their own prejudices to see the authoritarianism that the bjp is breeding in the country.

I am sorry you feel unsafe but never beat yourself up over it. A country has a duty to care for ALL of its citizens. And our current government displays a blatant disregard for the well-being of anyone who is a conservative cis, straight, Hindu, Hindi-speaking able man. That is the only category of people they care about. You might think otherwise, but the party is an openly misogynistic, conservative, right-wing Hindu nationalist party. Literally. And not so fun fact, the RSS can directly trace its origin to Nazism. NAZISM. If anyone can turn a blind eye to that (I have heard many excuses.) frankly, I don't feel safe around that person.

The hijab law was the single most absurd law to pass in a while (Which is saying a lot considering what the BJP has been going on a central level.). It served no purpose except to single out and discriminate against the rights of some. What is a hijab doing to hurt anyone? Additionally, at the time, I heard a lot of ridiculous justifications like "Oh but the use it conceals their identity! What if they are a terrorist?". I am sorry; your Islamaphobia should not prevent children (CHILDREN) from going to school. And what exactly does that imply? Anyone who wears a mask or a hoodie is a terrorist now? Does it mean someone who drapes their saree over their head is a terrorist? If your logic is that an act, when done exclusively by one group, is bad, then you need to reconsider your views. In my opinion, everyone should have the ability to practise their religion freely. Similarly, I don't think anyone should be forced to follow or identify with any religion (It always annoyed me that I couldn't simply state that I was agnostic. I will always be tied to my family's religion.).

As for reservations. *sigh*. I have complicated feelings. I don't think it should be thrown out entirely. But the system needs a lot of work for it to actually do what it is trying to do. But I hope you don't stress too much. I will admit that I remember being disappointed with how my clat results turned out. My rank was around 4700, but I knew that, being from gc, I had no chance. But I had to watch people with much lower ranks get in. But truly, I never felt bitter. While my family doesn't have any real generational wealth (but *knock on wood*, we are financially good thanks to my parents' hard work and my granny's years of dedication.) but I must acknowledge my family's privilege. My granny was born in the 1940s. A time when cast-based discrimination was rampant in Kerala. Additionally, it was a time when most women would be married off by 15. Hell, my grandma has siblings who were married off that early. But she went on to study and become a doctor. Which is the result of nothing but the privilege she was born into. And That is why I don't ever feel angry about reservations. Additionally, I am in a good place now. And I am more or less happy (well, depression and OCD is a bitch, but what can I do.).

On a lighter note, please don't worry too much. You will do well. Work hard and focus on becoming the best version of you!. All the best.

And as for immigration, I really don't understand why people hate it so much. We are a country of 1.4 billion people. We have a massive population of well-educated young people. The honest truth is that we can't employ everyone. So why not immigrate? Do what's best for you. As a queer liberal, I plan to move permanently. It doesn't mean I hate my roots. Just that this isn't the best environment for me to thrive. Additionally, NRIs generate plenty of wealth for India. As a Keralite, I know from first-hand experience how much money comes into my state from our expats. Additionally, Immigration grows India's soft power. I don't believe in Nationalism. And if criticising our shitty government and their awful policies makes me un-patriotic then I am fine with that title.

All that said, I hope with all my heart that we will see the rise of a real liberal movement in this country. And unfortunately, I don't feel confident in the INC. They are too afraid to make any statement of real consequence (well, I can't even fault them for that since the BJP seems to have abandoned all pretence of democracy and have just moved to prosecuting their opponents now.). I want a youth movement. A movement to push out these old conservative men (and the few women.) from their cushy desk jobs where all they do is loot, plunder and oppress everyone who they see as less than themselves. I want a vibrant, diverse and free future for my country. When I do leave this country (and I will.) I hope to watch it prosper from the outside, not turn into an authoritarian wasteland. I would stay and fight if I didn't feel like I would be jailed or worse killed for merely being who I am by vigilante groups.

[islandpcosjourney]

Anger

2.3.23

Infertility has many different hats. Today’s one is Anger. It relates to the never-ending timeline of our entire journey. It struck me today when a friend said it had been a “journey” to the birth of their child, that each one of us has a different definition for that word and a story to tell. I posted a picture on my Facebook timeline the other day depicting how some people have the fortunate reality of the direct route to becoming parents. In my head it’s a bit like the simplicity of picking up a takeaway when others have to cultivate the land, sow the seeds, growing the food themselves with all the fertilisers etc to make the same food, cooked at home as a “fakeaway” from scratch. For some couples, conceiving after 6 months of trying feels like a miracle, others it might be a year or 18 months. I used to feel envious of those couples & annoyed that they thought they could identify with us on a level footing but now I just feel thankful that they hadn’t had to endure longer than they did because I wouldn’t wish the dread of years of disappointment on anyone. Infertility should be an issue of the past what with the state of medical advances nowadays. OR, are all the “medical advances” contributing to our fertility troubles? Food for thought maybe…..

Our timeline is exhausting and it always makes me feel very angry when I think about it. Some aspects if I had my time over, I would change, others I wouldn’t.

Our timeline

2011 - diagnosed with PCOS 1 month before I was with Kevin, before I’d ever considered/acknowledged the fact that some people can have problems conceiving. I never thought I’d be that person, I always “knew” I’d be a Mum (I say “knew” because I refuse to believe that I won’t be one day). I just thought it was as simple as meeting the right guy, getting married and having a child a year later 🤷🏻‍♀️ Perhaps naïve of me but that whole tradition of keeping the top tier of one’s wedding cake for the baptism a year later, that was something I grew up being aware of and never thinking it would be anything otherwise.

2012 - told by an endocrinologist (specialist in hormones) I’d never lose weight or conceive so don’t bother trying - never saw him ever again! But also this consultant took me off all meds for 3 months so he could get his own “baseline” results & during those 3 months, I had 3 menstrual cycles. I remember Kevin being particularly excited about it all because it proved there was hope. As far as we were concerned, the only aspect potentially against us in future was my lack of cycle so having 3 in 3 months was perfect & why were we to think otherwise that years later my body would behave any differently after coming off my meds? In fact we now know that PCOS can be treated in the short-term by going on the pill, which resets the hormones. I had been on it 6 months at that point, so that proved that point, in hindsight. Longer term use was unknown to us.

2013 - condition kept “under control” with medications which led to more and more meds to keep various side effects as a consequence of said meds “under control”, therefore making the whole situation “out of control”. Found an endocrinologist I trusted (because I thought that being on all these meds were helping me!) Was told that as soon as I wanted to start trying for children, the help would be there for me, straight away, like jumping the queue as I had a pre-existing condition.

2014 - moved back to Scotland therefore leaving that consultant, came off all meds as I had become disenchanted with the whole situation, wanted a fresh start, went cold turkey to try to gain the control back. No consultant to advise me, no access to any help because technically in Scotland I was undiagnosed as my diagnosis happened in England and the two trusts don’t “talk” to each other yet no GP wanted to re-diagnose me as we weren’t TTC yet anyway - living in no-man’s-land. I was denied a referral to an endocrinologist to keep my PCOS under control. PCOS support without the fertility aspect was a non starter.

2015 - clear I wasn’t gaining control so I went back on some of the basic ones like the pill, keeping those symptoms under control like reinstating a regular period (a GP can prescribe that, no questions asked). Again, no specialist advice being allowed access to as I wasn’t trying for a baby at that point. Nobody listened to me wanting to prepare my body for when we’d be starting to try for a family the following year as soon as we were married!

2016 - started TTC but no cycles. After 6 months coming off the pill, I sought a referral from my GP as I was under the impression, having been previously told in England that my condition gave me a right to fertility help straight away. Was told I’d have to join the Gyne queue like anyone else and then the famous phrase was first said to me “BUT YOU’LL BE PREGNANT BEFORE THAT REFERRAL COMES THROUGH ANYWAY, MOST COUPLES ARE”. I believed him 🤷🏻‍♀️ Despite being told previously that I’d need help to conceive & despite having no menstrual cycles I believed him. After-all he was a medical professional so surely he was trustworthy. How stupid of me. No menstrual cycle = no chance, I knew that but I believed in a miracle.

2017 - see Gynecologist, re-diagnosed with PCOS (same tests repeated as in 2011, what a waste of resources) yes told we’d need help due to both of our test results being “under par” (shock news to us, why would we ever have considered male-factor infertility?! We just thought the issue would be me), confirmed I’m not ovulating but wouldn’t do anything drastic until we’d jumped through some hoops - lose a bit of weight, take some fertility meds to try to stimulate hormones - great! I lost weight but the meds didn’t work, at all. Discharged to lose more weight before she’d consider surgery (Ovarian drilling). Nothing advised for Kevin. Was told only thing that can be done for men is IUI, ICSI, IVF. Lets exhaust all options on me first coz of course, poking & prodding the woman is totally ok 🤨

2018 - Dad died, everything else important in life forgotten about. No cycle that year.

2019 - No cycle this year either. Came to conclusion it wouldn’t happen for us so started to think about Adoption, made the enquiries, started the process.

2020 - No cycle this year, until Boxing Day (so 1 month short of a 3 year drought) BUT had changed my lifestyle drastically half way through the year so figured I’d be able to visit the Gynecologist again one day. Stopped adoption process as suddenly there was hope again! Menstrual cycle = a chance!

December 2021 - finally lost all the weight she’d stipulated when she’d discharged me in 2017 so asked for re-referral to Gyne. Once we got to see her, she claimed everything still in same situ as before (despite weight loss!) ie. we’d need IVF due to both of our test results. First I had to have surgery before referral but there was nothing she could do surgery-wise at that point due to covid-related restrictions. Left us to try naturally for 6 months as my hormone panel results were actually ok compared with before & I now had the Ovusense monitor which was confirming that I’d ovulated 3 times so far, so she thought we still had a good chance, even though my husband’s results were worse, she then said that stupid phrase BUT I’LL SEE YOU BEFORE THEN ANYWAY AS YOU’LL BE PREGNANT 🥺 this time, it really grated on me as not only had I heard that before, but it had been 5 years since I had........ 🤷🏻‍♀️ The medical profession really need to consider their “bedside manner” in all situations as that is such a triggering phrase & although they say that “most couples get pregnant within 6 months to a year”, it is wrong to assume that ALL couples do, because SOME don’t EVER and that is a medical fact.

June 2022 - not pregnant 🤷🏻‍♀️ what a surprise, NOT! although in the meantime a friend had said to me (in relation to that stupid phrase) that I had to keep the faith and yes it would happen and yes I’d be seeing her within the 6 months. Well, while that is very positive thinking and while I do still keep the faith and have hope, by the end of those 6 months I had proved them both wrong and it made me feel like I’d failed therefore feeling worse, not better so is it good to be so positive all of the time? Best to be realistic. Was expecting this appointment to be all about being referred to IVF now that I still wasn’t pregnant but I had put on a few pounds since I’d had surgery for a lipoma removal a few weeks before and she took this to mean that I wasn’t “consistent” with my weight-loss (despite me having maintained my weight for 6 months before the surgery!) so denied our request for IVF AND said she wouldn’t perform the laparoscopic surgery on me to check my tubes etc until I’d lost a further 10kg - talk about jumping through hoops for this lady! It was only a few pounds I’d gained, temporarily through bloating, and I’d lost 5 stone overall. She seemed to be wanting nothing left of me. She didn’t accept that eating 4 times a day for a fortnight in order to take strong painkillers was any kind of excuse 🤷🏻‍♀️ She also denied the fact that I was ovulating! I had to remind her about Ovusense, but she said it wasn’t scientifically/medically proving that I was ovulating on my medical notes therefore she was still insisting that I wasn’t 😳 Can’t please this woman! So, she suggested that I get my progesterone level checked on Day 21 each cycle, something which I was apparently entitled to do this whole time, she just hadn’t said 😵

September 2022 - I’m back seeing her, 13kgs (25lbs) lighter so finally she agrees to send our referral letter to Ninewells for the Assisted Conception Unit and books me in for surgery in October (remember back in Dec 21 she claimed she couldn’t refer me UNTIL I’d had the surgery? 🤨). Ignored my August blood test PROVING that I’m ovulating on my own.

October 2022 - Laparoscopy & dye test performed under General Anaesthetic. Finds nothing wrong with me, practically no evidence of PCOS (a mild case at best, whereas when diagnosed, both times, I was an extreme case), definitely no endometriosis (although she’d never before suggested I did) and although the dye went through my tubes she said it flowed slower to begin with, so perhaps they might have been slightly blocked initially but by flushing them out she’s increased our chances of conceiving naturally and I’ll be statistically the most fertile I’ve ever been over the next 3 months. Great news! Still, her parting comment is that I don’t ovulate, to which I stop her in her track and insist that both August & September’s results show that I am...... She hasn’t bothered to check them........ At least I know that I am even if she doesn’t care!

Present day 2023 - Having regular 31 day cycles (on average), ovulating EVERY SINGLE TIME, naturally, of my own doing, due to eating nutritionally better & taking natural supplements (which cost a pretty penny 🫣). Last time I was this regular was as a teenager when my Mum kept a track of them on her calendar. Once I left for college age 18, I felt lucky I was only having 2 or 3 a year because my cycles were debilitating and really who wants to be “out of action” once a month when they felt as bad as mine did. Now I am glad for that one day a month where I have to take it easy, maybe take a painkiller to calm the cramps, maybe feel a little fragile for a day. I had no idea when I was in my 20s how bad it was to not have one regularly. I didn’t know it increased your chances of Uterine Cancer. I then had no idea how bad it would be to be put on medications to regulate my cycle in the long term for 6 years before we got married and wanted to start a family. Now we’re over 6 years later and only now can I confidently say that my hormones are regulated but that's 15+ years since they were last “naturally” regulated. That’s a long time when I’m only 35 and my biological clock is ticking fast, especially saying as we can only access IVF on the NHS until we’re 40. Had a catch up recently with my very supportive GP as my gyne consultant is not seeing me again. Checked through my progesterone results which he claimed were very positive, confirmed we still had a chance naturally and then said KEEP UP THE PRACTICE BECAUSE STATISTICALLY MOST COUPLES CONCEIVE BEFORE THEIR FIRST IVF APPOINTMENT 🤦🏻‍♀️ seriously!! Are they all trained in how to deliver insensitive comments? I know he was trying to encourage, be positive but surely when you know someone has been 6.5 years TTC with no history of a positive pregnancy test, no chemical pregnancy, no miscarriage, no conception whatsoever even with apparently perfect test scores, the last thing you should be saying is that “statistically” I’m going to spontaneously, miraculously conceive a child now just coz our IVF appointment is imminent 😵‍💫 I want to believe miracles can happen but I’ve been believing for 6.5 years & it’s exhausting. How much longer can I live in a dream world?

April 2023 (the future) - our first appointment at the Assisted Conception Unit at Ninewells Hospital, Dundee. Who knows what the future will hold!

Anger

I’m angry. 

Angry it’s taken me this long to sort out my condition.

Angry I got waylaid in the meantime, by BAD advice & by me being me.

Angry the only option out there to help PCOS is medications which actually don’t help you, they just try their best to mask your symptoms, while actually making your hormones fundamentally worse! 

Angry that the NHS in Scotland (or maybe it’s specific to the Western Isles) doesn’t support PCOS maintenance. They’re only interested when you’re TTC, not beforehand when they should be trying to help you regulate your hormones to prepare your body. You wouldn’t try planting veg without cultivating the soil first 🤷🏻‍♀️

Angry that men and women are not treated equally when it comes to fertility.

Angry that the burden which was all on me with my diagnosis initially has now done a complete 180 and we’ve got a referral due to male-factor infertility now, therefore shifting the emotional burden onto my husband who hasn’t had the same time frame (nearly 12 years) to deal with his “grief” on this matter like I have.

Angry that in the 21st century, it’s still taboo or “really brave” to be talking about fertility issues or even simply to be talking about women's menstrual cycles whether they’re wanting children or not. We women go through a lot emotionally in a month and when anyone turns around to ask “what’s wrong with you?” when you’re simply moody because your hormones are making you crazy, it really makes you feel like you’re a monster rather than just simply a woman going through what most women go through each month. Get used to it, I am so pleased to have my crazy hormones back again, no matter how much they go up and down. They’re meant to, that’s what God designed them to do because each hormone has a purpose - he is the best architect in history.

Angry that it’s taken us 6.5 years to get to this stage when I was diagnosed nearly 12 years ago. Nothing I can do about it except to keep pushing on. Time is not on our side.

Angry that I still want a family despite every effort and attempt telling me it’s not happening.

Angry that I still hope every month with these hopes being dashed every time.

Angry that my faith tells me to just trust in God. I believe in him, I trust, but it is frustrating to be still praying over a matter years later and still having no baby. Does it mean he doesn’t want us to have a family? Does it mean he wants us to be older parents? Does it mean our journey is meant to mean something? Does it mean that we shouldn’t be allowing the scientists to try to help us? Or has he created that option for us, but why, when he appears to have healed me now? Does it mean that we should stop “trying” & give him full control? Are we wrong to want to try, to want to have a family?

Angry that I was diagnosed long before we ever got married, because I definitely think that knowing my diagnosis had a massive impact on how our marriage began, with a dark cloud looming over it. As a Christian couple, who believes that God blessed our marriage, I believe we were robbed of our chance to “see what happened”, to leave it in God’s hands and question nothing. Instead we had pre-existing anxiety which in turn breeds stress (internal & external), which is never any good for TTC. When you’re told you have a condition, of course you try your best to help it. You don’t stand back & do nothing. Part of me believes that when couples stop trying, whether after several failed rounds of IVF or after adopting, then they spontaneously conceive and have a surprise miracle baby and it’s majorly down to being relaxed coz they’re no longer thinking about it. I honestly wish I’d never known before. Ignorance is bliss.

I am angry that I can’t let go of trying to that extent in order to achieve the appropriate state of relaxation I believe is required. I know there are problems which need fixing. I can’t forget that, it’s not possible to delete it from my memory.

Anger is a justified feeling I allow myself to feel as it helps me to see & acknowledge that I am still normal. Or rather, that I have returned to “normality”. It doesn’t mean I have given up. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still try my best. 

It does mean however that my life is in limbo and that is ultimately what I am most angry about. The constant waiting, planning for something to happen and it doesn’t. Angry isn’t an emotive enough word for what I feel really.