#and omg how can so much self-loathing fit in one person | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

soobadnoonecanstopher · 4 years ago

Text

Touch it for Real, Part 10

Genre: Humor / Fluff / Angst / (Eventual) Smut 18+

Warnings: OMG they were roommates / slice of life / slow burn / mutual pining / crude humor / cursing / virgin!baek / idiots to lovers / unresolved sexual tension

Characters: Baekhyun X You/Female Reader

Description: You teach Baekhyun how to date. (Basically the Get You Alone M/V)

A/N: I had to split this chapter due to length. Part 10.5 will follow tomorrow.

The song inspiration for this chapter is Eric Nam’s The Night

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 , Part 7 , Part 8 , Part 9 , Part 10 , FINAL Part 10.5

You hadn’t touched the app since you’d done it.

You hadn’t slept much either.

The guilt was eating you alive from the inside and you were pretty sure the ache you felt in your stomach was an ulcer from the stress of living with the horrible mistakes you had made.

Your room was the wrong temperature.

Your bed was uncomfortable.

The light that shone through your window from the moonlight was too bright. You couldn't hide away from it no matter how hard you tried.

No matter how tightly you closed your eyelids you could still see everything too clearly. Even hiding your head under your pillow didn't block it all.

The clock on the wall of your bedroom ticked rhythmically and the sound was counting down to your destruction.

You fought the useless battle against the bright moonlight for hours until you realized the reason why you could so clearly see the messy clothes on the floor in front of your closet and the overflowing wastebasket sitting beside your desk wasn’t because of a super moon occupying the sky outside, but that brightness was actually the sun shining through your window now; alerting you to the fact that you had once again spent an entire night wallowing in your own self pity or self hatred or self loathing or whatever self bullshit was on the docket this time.

It was Sunday morning.

You were sitting on a time bomb as you spread butter on your toast and kept your ears tuned in for the sounds of life inside his bedroom.

You hadn’t really expected him to, but Baekhyun hadn’t appeared since last night when he disappeared inside his bedroom to sleep. You hadn’t heard him playing games all night or even heard his shower running or playing loud music well into the sunrise.

Was he really sleeping?

All night?

Like a normal person?

Or maybe like someone who wasn’t too weighed down by the pressure of their own substantial sins might sleep.

You knew that Baekhyun liked to sleep in late on days when he had nothing pressing to attend to. You’d both gotten in late last night and he probably wouldn't make an appearance until late morning. Maybe not even until lunchtime.

Your toast was bland and floppy by the time you took a bite and you scowled down at the disappointing thing. Surely and somehow you could blame yourself for this breakfast failure. It wasn’t the toaster. That thing was perfect. It was you. You’d waited too long to eat it. You’d been wallowing for too long and now it was a waste.

It was all a waste.

You’d drive yourself crazy at this rate. You needed a distraction to get through it.

You would do laundry and clean your bathroom and tidy your room and maybe then you could think.

Think about what you had done to Mia, what you had done to Baekhyun; think about how low that was and how undoable it was. It wasn't like you could un-delete the messages.

You worked on your Sunday chores and you were thinking hard. The doubt was heavy and made the load of laundry you carried out of your bedroom feel this basket was full of bricks and you were walking on a sandy beach.

How would Baekhyun react? Would he know that you had been the one to delete the messages or would he blame it on a glitch in the system? What would he think of you when Mia told him that he’d agreed to meet her himself last night. Last night when he was asleep.

What would happen to Mia?

Would she sit alone at the cafe for an hour waiting for him or would she text him right away?

Would she quietly absorb her disappointment at being stood up or would she blame him for it. Had you just made him the bad guy? Your sweet Peanut — a villain?

You didn't want to hurt her. You had liked her. Your jealousy had just taken over last night. You’d never been stood up before but you imagined it felt awful. Baekhyun knew what it felt like. Would it hurt him terribly to believe that he had somehow played a part in causing someone else that kind of pain by making the mistake of associating with you; the mistake of trusting you?

You’d been watching your laundry spin around in a circle for a half an hour now and you looked up on top of the machine to see the carefully measured cup of soap sitting there. You’d been so lost in your thoughts that you forgot to put it in. The disappointment you felt in yourself was fitting it hardly even made a dent in the already deep down in the mud mood you were in.

You’d have to stop the cycle and restart it with soap. You’d wasted all of that water.

If Baekhyun knew about this he would be so disappointed in you. He would complain and nag about the irreparable damage you’d done to the Earth, to his Earth, his planet, his home. The only one he had to live on.

And you deserved to be nagged. You deserved to be scolded and yelled at and you deserved to be made to feel like the absolute scum of the earth because what you had just done to him was unforgivable.

Would he really never forgive you?

Was this what finally did it? Not your laziness or your pranks or your inability to pay rent on time, but this? You’d been given his trust and you’d trampled all over it. You’d taken what he’d given you, his friendship and his access to him, to his privacy that he valued above all else and you’d squandered it for selfish and jealous and disgusting reasons. You’d trampled all over it, all over him. Again and again you showed that you didn’t deserve someone like him. You’d sinned against him and for what?

To stop him from dating a girl who you’d pushed him toward in the first place.

You were an asshole. The worst kind. A jealous, petty, selfish asshole.

You felt it then. You’d paused your load of laundry and you reached for the soap after the water drained from the tub. You held the button down to cancel and reset the cycle and you watched the digital display blink angrily at you, telling you that what you were trying to do was not allowed, it was against the rules. You were supposed to just let the wash cycle happen, you were just supposed to let it happen, you had been the one to push the button, you started it, why were you pausing right now why were you stopping and reversing when this was what you wanted? What kind of asshole stops the cycle right in the middle?

The numbers on the screen blurred. It was a blinking fuzzy red tinted mess. You could feel the sting and then the relief of the tears that crested and fell and you exhaled through a mostly stuffed up nose.

You couldn't do this to him.

The tears on your face were warm and wet and they fell freely as the intense regret washed over you completely.

This wasn’t you. You weren’t this person. You weren’t underhanded and sneaky. You didn't have the stomach for it. You felt like you might be sick just imagining poor Mia sitting there waiting for him, thinking the worst of him, believing that he was that kind of selfish cruel man who would treat a woman this way. That wasn’t fair to Baekhyun and you’d been a real monster to try such a low down dirty trick like this.

You had to fix this.

You were out of any other options other than honesty. You had to tell him exactly what you had done last night in a moment of misguided weakness, in a moment of stupidity and you had to tell him that he still had time to go meet her, to talk about whatever it was she wanted to tell him.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and went into your bathroom to clean your face up. You would not let him be swayed by the selfish tears on your face. You had to control yourself and confess your crimes and you had to be straightforward and strong about it.

You gripped your cell phone and you inhaled a breath through your nose and exhaled it slowly through your mouth. Your exhale hiccuped once from the earlier upset and so you did it again; breathing in deeply, filling your lungs as full as you could and exhaling in one long continuous breath; until it was stable again, until you could feel your racing heartbeat relinquishing the manic control it had over you.

His door was closed and it was quiet behind the door.

You knocked twice, listening carefully over the thumping in your chest for the sound of his voice from inside.

Finally it came; a soft hum from within.

“Baekhyun—” You called through the door, “can I come in?”

His voice hummed again, low and sleepy, and you turned the knob, pushing the door open and then pushing yourself forward slowly.

He was in his bed, half under his covers with a leg sticking out and he rolled away from the wall he was facing as you came into the room, pulling his blanket down to uncover his face, his eyes peered at you as he squinted against the light in the room.

“Hmm?” He hummed again and his eyes closed back up.

You held your phone out toward him and you moved closer to his bed. He squinted one eye open and lifted a hand palm up which he quickly dropped back down onto the bed, clearly still half asleep.

“Did you break your phone?” His voice was thick with sleep and his eyes were still closed as he talked to you.

“No, I didn’t break it. I did something wrong.”

“Give it. I’ll fix it.” He was talking again, reaching again with more conviction now as the spell of sleep that he had been under began to break.

He was sitting up. He was looking at you with his warm brown eyes and he was blinking as he tried to focus on what you were saying to him.

“No. I didn't break it. I did something wrong,” you repeated for emphasis and continued for clarity, “I did something bad to you. Last night when you were asleep—”

Oh this was hard. His brows lifted and you had his attention. Your words, the seriousness of then sharpened his eyes on you as you spoke.

“Last night, Mia messaged you...after the date.”

Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrowed and he was watching you very closely as the words emerged. His eyes were focused on your face and his mind was processing what you were telling him. He was still sleepy but your words were pulling him out of it. His hands gripped the cellphone you’d pushed into his hands.

“I opened the app you made for me. I read a message that Mia sent you. She wanted to meet you for coffee t-today— this afternoon, in less than an hour.”

You could feel your control slipping as you spoke the truth about the awful thing you had done and you had to look down and away from his face as you continued your confession otherwise that thickness you felt in your throat would come through in your voice. Otherwise you might not make it through this without crying. You promised yourself already that you would not do that. You had to get this out and it had to be clear and controlled. You did not deserve his sympathy or even his forgiveness. This violation had been inexcusable.

Your own hands were empty. You’d given him your phone and he was holding it now.

“I pretended to be you, told her you would meet her and then I deleted the messages so you would not see them. So that you would stand her up. It was wrong of me. It was a mistake. I’m sorry. You can delete the app, or change the permissions or do something. I’m sorry. I know you trusted me and I messed it all up — Baekhyun, you can still make it. You can get ready and go meet her for coffee. She had something she wanted to ask you. If you get ready now, you won't miss her. She wont get stood up because — because I fucked up and I acted like an asshole.”

Baekhyun’s sleepy face had changed as you spoke. You inhaled a deep breath and looked into his eyes and you found him watching you with a new hardness in his eyes that you hadn’t seen before and his hand gripped tight enough to snap around your cell phone.

You could feel the blood under your skin just at the surface, heating your flesh and flushing your cheeks. You pulled your lips tight to keep the tremble out of them and he was watching your face too closely for you to be able to keep up the eye contact.

“Bug, why would you do that?” He spoke through clenched teeth and all traces of his earlier sleep were gone.

“I’m sorry. It just felt so bad and I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway and I have no excuse.”

You felt the bed move when he shifted and he was pushing himself up into a full seated position with his legs hanging over the side of his bed.

The movement made you push back and away, clearing a path for him to get up. You knew he had to get ready quickly if he wanted to make it in time. What if there was traffic?

“You still have time to make it— if you go now,” you said with a quick glance up into his eyes and you noticed he’d abandoned your phone on his bed as he moved. “She’ll be waiting for you.”

Baekhyun wasn’t standing yet and he was still looking at you with that odd hardness in his eyes and a very slight back and forth head shake as his only significant movement.

Your mind was preoccupied with the ticking clock on the wall and he was still just sitting there on his bed looking at you.

Yes, you had disappointed him. Yes, you had fucked up. But you were trying here. You were trying to make this right and you knew it wasn’t fair to him to throw this surprise coffee date on him at the last second but you’d fucked up and you couldn't think of any other way to fix it other than to get that man to stand up and get dressed so he could go meet her right now.

You reached for his hand and you grabbed lightly around his wrist and you pulled.

“Baekhyun. You need to move. You’re not moving. Please.” Your pleas were growing desperate. How in the world would you fix it if he wouldn't let you fix it?

“Is it because you were upset about Ben?” When he finally moved it was not his body or his legs it was his mouth and you let your hand sag with his wrist still suspended in your grasp.

He moved then, Baekhyun stood up and you let your hand fall away from his arm, pulling your arms up awkwardly to cross them over your chest. You took another step away. The discomfort flowed through your entire body. You’d created this problem. This was all your fault. This atmosphere was unbearable and you could only blame yourself.

You were looking down at your feet and you wished he wasn’t watching your face as closely as he was as his eyes roamed over your pained expression. He was still shaking his head and you could tell that he was trying his hardest to make sense out of your terrible actions.

You were his friend. Surely his friend had to have a good and valid reason for doing this to him, right? Surely it wasn’t just because maybe she was a bad person and did bad things.

With your eyes on your feet though, it was easier to shake your head and deny that Ben had anything at all to do with why you’d attempted to sabotage his new relationship.

“Baekhyun, you can still make it,” your voice was a whisper. You could feel your careful resolve crumbling the longer you stood here under his watchful eyes. You could feel it in your chest. Your breathing pushed hard against your lungs that fought against the oxygen and your heart pounded so noisily inside of you that you began to wonder if that had been the clock you heard all along or your own rhythmic countdown forecasting your demise.

You had to shake your head. You had to squeeze your eyes tight and push with all of your might. You couldn't face this. It was too hard.

“If not Ben—” he was speaking again. Your eyes were closed.

“Then why?” you heard an inhale of breath from him and it was trembling. The sound of his pain, the sound of his suffering called to you and you opened your eyes to look at him. His eyes were closed and he had a hand raised with his fingers held up.

The agitation you heard in his breathing moved him and his body came to life as he shifted on his feet, spinning in a slow circle where he stood, he lifted both of his hands to run through his hair and his eyes were closed up tight enough for his vision to go white.

“You can’t do this to me. You can’t do this to me again. It’s not fair.” He was speaking under his breath and you were drawn to his words as confusion rushed over your thoughtful mind. The part of your mind that made sense of things was left in a cloud.

Again? Had you really hurt him this badly before? Your memory raced through the history you had with him and you looked over his features in worry.

When his eyes opened back up he was looking into your face with that same dark look, the look that made you want to shrink up and hide from it. The look that somehow saw you for exactly what you were and knew just how bad of a person you could be.

“I’m trying to fix it — I don't know what to do, Baekhyun. I don't know what I should do.”

Your feet had carried you toward his door. You could feel the overwhelming urge to escape this. To escape your own mistakes and problems and run from them. To leave this place and to hide from the way he was looking at you right now. He was still just shaking his head and staring at you. He wasn’t moving to get showered or dressed or changed even, he wasn’t grabbing his keys or his phone to leave to go meet her, why didn’t he do something?

He must have noticed your movement. Baekhyun took several large steps toward where you’d wandered near his door and you froze when he moved.

He was upset. You could see it in the way he carried his body through the space and you heard it in the rough way he pulled at the doorknob to his bedroom and swung it open.

You’d half expected him to head toward the front door. Maybe he’d forgotten that he needed to change out of his comfy sweats if he was going to meet a girl for coffee.

He left his door open and you followed his quick steps. You followed the path he took through the living room and you turned when he turned toward your bedroom. You stood back as you watched his hand turn your door knob and he disappeared through your doorway, into your bedroom. You heard your closet. Your heart felt like it was throbbing inside of your chest when you saw him emerge with a familiar bag; your big suitcase, the one that was still stuffed full with your coats from the last time you had been convinced you needed to pack up and leave this place you called home.

You felt like you might be sick.

Did he want you to leave? Was he packing your bag for you? The panic that grew in your belly was powerful and it threw you back against the wall of the hallway that led to your bedroom.

This was it. He’d finally had enough of your shit. This was it.

You’d done it.

You’d lost your best friend.

Baekhyun had disappeared with your bag and you heard a door shut somewhere within his room. You heard the sound of a set of keys. There was a ringing in your ears.

“Tell me why.” His voice was back. He was back. He was standing in front of you and you looked up into his eyes and the breath he inhaled trembled as it went in and filled his lungs with air. He lifted a hand and his fingers shook as he rubbed them over his mouth. “You can’t run away now. I have your bag. Tell me why. Why did you do that?”

He’d gone for your bag first. Just as you had always gone for the bag the minute something snapped in you and you’d convinced yourself that you could simply leave if things got too uncomfortable or too hard to bear. It felt significant. It felt like your reckoning. You couldn't run away this time. He knew you would try that first and Baekhyun wasn’t going to let you; not until he had the truth.

“You always have a good reason. You always make sense — to me. You always make sense to me. Everything you do, I understand why you do it. But...this, it doesn’t make any sense. You’re the one who picked her. You’re the one who started this. You’re the one pushing me to go to her. Why did you do this? Why are you doing this to me? It’s so unfair.”

Baekhyun’s voice was unstable. His hands were trembling and you could feel the deep frustration in his words. He was right. He was completely right.

No false explanation you could come up with would make any sense.

Only the truth made sense.

The humming in your ears and the burning in your eyes and the pounding in your chest had built up too much. It was too hard to control. It was too hard to contain.

The longer you sat in it; the longer you withstood it, the less you wanted of it.

You closed your eyes and you let it out.

It came out as a whisper.

“I told you, I was shameless.”

They hit you like a bomb. Those words that you spoke out loud to him; with your own mouth. Your own voice that betrayed you so completely.

The aftershocks echoed around inside of your head and you blinked fast and hard, trying to control the stinging wetness that pooled inside of your eyes.

Baekhyun had gone completely still.

You could no longer hear the unstable breathing from his lungs.

“What did you just say?” His voice had no strength left. You could not look at him.

Oh no.

You’d done it.

You had to inhale to live. You had to open your eyes and you rolled them around to keep the moisture at bay, looking everywhere except for him. You felt like crying. You felt like losing your flimsy control once and for all and screaming, sobbing, falling to the floor to deal with this incredible anxious feeling that was surging up inside of your body.

It was out. That secret of yours. It ripped you apart when it exited and you felt more unstable than you’d ever felt. You were about to cave in. Control was overrated anyway.

“I told you I act dumb and desperate and jealous, Baekhyun. I told you I make mistakes. I’m shameless.”

You heard the step he took. It was a stumble. Your words had thrown his balance off and he caught the step quickly. The sound of it pulled your focus.

Baekhyun looked at you, a stunned expression on his face and his eyes, his eyes which always held so much comfort and security for you, those eyes that were always so warm, they traveled over your entire face as his lips fell open.

“What does that mean?” His lips hardly moved when he spoke. You watched a hand lift and it landed squarely over his chest and there was a movement in his fingers; an involuntary shake in them. His fingers flexed and he clawed over his chest.

“Does that mean...do you mean...what I think you mean?”

You felt the first tear fall. It slipped out and ran down your face and you lifted a hand to wipe it quickly.

“It means I’m in love with you, Baekhyun. I’m sorry. I was jealous of her. I couldn't watch you and her like that. So I acted like that — I did that to her, to you both. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop loving you. I don't even know where to start.”

Your breathing was heavy. Your face was wet and whatever flimsy control you thought you had over yourself had shattered with your honest confession. More than just what you had done to him, this felt so much more damning. This was the truth about what was inside your heart.

This was the scariest thing you had ever told him. It felt so much worse than when you told him you’d lost your job and would start looking for a new place to live.

The silence that surrounded you amplified your labored breathing and you’d given up on catching the tears that slipped down your cheeks. There was no stopping it. You’d been a fool to think that you could hide this.

Baekhyun hadn’t moved. He stood frozen a few feet away from you and when he did move it was to lift a palm to cover over his face for a moment.

“Are you serious?” You heard him say. You swallowed hard and squeezed your eyes closed. “Bug, are you serious? You—”

“You’re in love with me?”

You wrapped your arms around your stomach tightly and with your eyes closed you nodded your head once.

Your ears caught movement.

Baekhyun was moving. Your fear and your shame flashed images into your mind, images of him vanishing; images of him closing himself up in his room; images of him telling you he just couldn't live with you any more.

Baekhyun was moving. You could hear him. Your eyes burned and begged to open and when you gave in you flinched to find him standing right in front of you. He was here. He stood in front of you and his eyes were wide on your face.

In those eyes you saw what you could only describe as a look of concern. Baekhyun was looking at your face and the warmth that arrived with his body heat coated you. Inside of your chest, something was building, something was burning, something was changing inside of you with the look in his eyes you could not pull your own eyes away from him when he was standing so close to you like this.

The wall behind your back was so cold and he was warm.

He was moving. His hands were moving. You felt the warmth of his palms land over your wet cheeks and he was wiping your tears, drying the wetness from your skin with the palms of his hands and with his soft fingertips. He moved so gently over you. He touched you so carefully. The pounding inside of your chest raged out of control. The ragged breathing that had ahold of you earlier seized up and you could feel the dizziness building upon itself, yet you could not make your lungs cooperate; not with him so close to you. Not with him looking at you up close with that look in his eyes and his hands still holding your face.

“LoveBug.” His whispered breath warmed your mouth. The soft name he called you coated the back of your tongue like some sweetened medicine. You swallowed down the moisture that pooled and he was close enough to you that his breathing fanned against your lips, over your tongue when your lips parted.

“Do you know that I belong to you?” It came out as a whisper. This tiny question that lit you on fire. Your lungs burned.

“Do you know that?”

You felt another tear escape and he leaned into you then. You felt too stunned to react. This did not feel real. Perhaps you had actually fallen asleep last night and you were dreaming. The warm brush of his thumb below your eye, wiping the wetness away again and again as the tears fell. The warm puff of his breath over your closed eyelid and the softness of his lips that pressed a kiss onto the softness of your cheek where your tears had just been dried.

“I belong to you. I’m yours. I’ve loved you for so long.”

These words he said pulled your eyes into his.

The discord in your brain echoed. How was this real? Nothing was making sense inside of your head, so you exhaled through it. You let your lungs deflate and the final bursts of air that left your lungs pulled your eyelids down halfway and you couldn’t stand the distance, you had to touch him. His hands were so warm and his eyes were so magnetic and what was he saying to you? He loved you.

He loved you.

Baekhyun loved you. He said so himself. He said he was yours and he’d gone still again, his breathing stopped puffing over your skin when your hands reached for his waist and you gripped around his shirt, bunching the fabric as you pulled. There was a step, to keep his balance and he moved closer to you.

Warmth. Heat. He was everywhere. That smell of him; the scent of the spaces within his bedsheets that smelled like him, his breath, his lungs, his heart inside of his body. With the contact of your hands around his waist you could feel so much of him. When your hands traveled up over the center of this back you felt the wild beating echoing inside of his chest.

It sounded a lot like what was happening inside of your own chest.

The distance evaporated with your hands on him. You felt the softness of his cheek against your own. You heard the quiet grunt from the back of his throat when the tip of his nose brushed over yours and his lips traveled over your entire face. Over the smoothness of your forehead and a path over your eyebrow; up the hill of your cheekbone and down through the softness of your cheek. He was exploring your face with his lips and the spell he put you under was deep. You would have floated away had it not been for the occasional labored puff of air from his parted lips. A mark of his struggle to keep his breathing under control. The man was magic.

His touch was so light and delicate you wondered how he could stand this with as fast as his heart was beating inside of his chest. His hands were moving away from the way he cupped your cheeks and caught stray tears, he moved a single hand to the back of your head, moving lower to cradle the back of your neck and his other hand traced the shape of your jaw with lightly touching fingertips until he reached your lips.

With his eyes half closed and with zero hesitation he moved then. You felt him move. Your eyes were already closed when you felt his lips cover yours.

It began with softness; that same uncertain, wary softness that led his movements. His kiss was gentle and his lips were asking.

The question was quiet.

Your response was not. Your hands pulled hard over his back. His chest was flush with yours already but the constriction of your hold on him sent a clear message.

When your lips parted to his you felt the wetness of his tongue brush against yours and you pulled against him, pulled him into your mouth and the hold of his hand behind your head changed as his grip tightened and his fingers threaded within your hair.

His other hand slipped around your waist and he pulled you tight against his firm warmth. Everything about the kiss was changing. There was an urgency that took over every cell of your body and you were feeling dizzy and when his lips pulled away for a second, you gasped for air from within his parted lips. You could not break the kiss. You could survive inside of his mouth forever. You didn’t even need air that badly.

Baekhyun did not break the contact either. Your desire for closeness was building further and your hands pushed the warm fleece of his sweater up and away from his skin. You felt the first smooth warm bits of the bare skin of his waist and your own skin erupted all over with goosebumps when you felt the tips of his fingers slip under the fabric of your shirt at the small of your back.

It was your own wandering hands that did it. You touched first, the small of his back, then your hand wandered around his waist, as you made your way around to the front of him you heard the low whine that erupted from deep within his body. It was a long frustrated sound and the sound of it pulled your lips into a smile.

Your fingertips were close. You know enough about human anatomy to know that slipping your hand along the waistband at the front of his sweatpants and hooking your index finger just inside the fabric as you moved; well, it was only a matter of time until you were brushing below his navel and you felt Baekhyun jolt back and away from you when you’d done it.

“Fuck,” he cursed with his lips flush against yours and you couldn’t help any of it. He’d put you well under his spell and you wanted every bit of the man. Clearly your hand had come too close and he wasn’t expecting it.

“This is like living out all of my fantasies at once multiplied by a hundred. I don’t think I can take this.”

Baekhyun pulled his face back and away from you then. You used the respite to finally breathe in a deep enough breath to touch that dizziness you’d been feeling. It didn't help much. Was it the desire? You had never felt quite so desperate for another human being to touch you before.

You ached for it. The attention he showed with his wandering fingertips over every bit of skin he could find and the way his eyes and his lips touched you. Nothing about the desire you were feeling felt normal.

Baekhyun dropped a hand from you. It was the hand that had held the back of your neck. He took another step back and placed his hand over his chest. He was looking at you again with a shell shocked expression on his face and lips very pink and swollen from the passion you’d felt in those kisses.

“I feel like my heart is going to explode.” He said and you saw his lips pull into a smile. He was still breathing hard and his gaze changed into something of wonder.

“You like me.” His eyes closed up and the smile pulled wider. You were blinded by it. It was contagious. You could not stop your own smile from mirroring his. “You love me. She fucking loves me.”

“I love you,” you agreed softly. It tasted like relief. It was sweet and satisfying and toothsome. You were wrecked. You probably looked like hell after the sleepless night and all of that crying. He watched you as if you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid eyes on. You could see it so clearly. Your eyes sharpened to so much the more you looked around, the clearer your focus became and your eyes were drawn to the wall behind his head.

There, a clock had just struck one.

“What do we do about Mia,” you were the one to say it and still hated the sour taste of the guilt that still sat on the back of your tongue when her name came up. You hadn’t quite considered this outcome. You hadn’t ever considered this.

“Oh god, Mia,” he said. “Oh no.” The smile on his face was gone and you could see the regret land over his features. “I — I think I need to go make a phone call.”

He spoke the words and you nodded your head. Of course he did. Of course you understood completely. Of course his body was still very close to you and of course you could feel the desire to pull him back into your arms and into your mouth.

Baekhyun hadn’t stepped back yet. His words said one thing yet his hands were moving again and he reached for you, wrapping both of his arms around your waist this time he pulled tight and you felt the strength in his arm muscles as he did it.

His face dipped and he kissed you again. You could not resist his lips despite the ticking clock. You craved him. You hadn’t been nearly satisfied enough yet and you wondered if you could ever get enough of him.

His soft lips; the pull of suction inside of his mouth; his tongue; his teeth all demanded and took from you and you wove your fingers into his hair and held him tight as you kissed him back.

You both pulled away at the same time and his labored breathing marked the significant struggle he was facing in letting go and walking away. You did not think it was possible to love this man any more than you already did, but this unrestrained side of him was making your stomach do flips.

“Do you want me to go with you? This is my fault after all.”

He rested his forehead against yours and both of his arms were still wrapped tightly around your waist. He’d been standing still with both of his eyes closed since he’d pulled his mouth away from yours.

You felt him shake his head back and forth and he hummed a no sound from the back of his throat.

“I think I can do it alone,” he said before inhaling a deep breath and exhaling it slowly as he pulled his face back, straightened his shoulders and dropped his arms.

He’d spun on his feet and taken two steps before he turned around and undid all of his progress with two more big steps back in your direction and a grimace of failure on his face.

His hands were up and he was reaching for you again, grabbing you roughly by the cheeks, ignoring the giggles that erupted from your chest as he leaned in and kissed you again. He was smiling too and the first seconds of the kiss was just teeth bumping teeth before you complied and relaxed enough to receive the quick succession of peppered kisses he pressed into your mouth.

“How can I walk away? Turn me around and push me. I can’t walk away from you.”

You were in big trouble. You knew he could be really cute if he wanted to be. You’d had trouble with it in the past.

But this time his intense level of adorableness was caused by his struggle to stop kissing you. You were pretty certain you were even more whipped than you’d ever been for anything ever. If faced with the choice of denying this man or throwing a bag full of puppies off a cliff, you were pretty certain you’d toss the damn dogs just to let this Baekhyun have his way.

How to be the strong one here? All you wanted to do was keep kissing him forever.

“Baekhyun, it’s after one already,” you said, doing your best impression of your serious voice.

“Yes ma’am.” His hands left your face and his lips pulled back into an O shape as he exhaled a breath with his eyes trained pointedly on the ceiling instead of on your face.

This time when he spun on his feet he didn’t look back and you fisted your hands tightly at your side to keep from reaching for him and pulling him back into you after he’d finally built up the strength to resist the incredible magnetism you both clearly had for each other.

His absence afforded you a moment of quiet; a moment of peaceful thought. The aftereffects of what had just happened still buzzed around inside of your chest, inside your belly, and lower; the lingering warmth purred, making it impossible to ignore the incredible effect even this much of his affection had on you.

You had to return to your bedroom to collect yourself. You’d never be able to face him again without throwing yourself at him in desperation and based on the way he’d flinched when you grazed your fingertip along the waistband of his sweatpants, something was telling you the man was simply not ready for such a huge step in such a short amount of time.

The last thing you wanted was to make him feel pressured to do anything he wasn't ready for.

You were an adult. You could be reasonable and you could control yourself.

With a cold shower and a cold drink of water you could survive this. Maybe you would slip and fall in the shower and bang your head and wake up to him giving you mouth to mouth with his hands on your chest giving you life saving chest compressions that would turn into a steamy make out session with some second base heavy petting in the middle of your bathroom floor. One thing could lead to another. You would already be naked and he’d have just saved your life. Surely the situation would make anyone emotional enough to pop their cherry with the girl of their fucking dreams. Really, he’d have just saved your life and you would be ever so grateful if he could also fuck you while he was at it.

The cold water didn’t help at all.

The cold shower at least helped with the absolute wreck you saw when you looked in the mirror. Had you really looked this bad? You hadn’t slept for shit. You hadn’t eaten your sad floppy toast or had any coffee on your upset stomach and your eyes were puffy from all the crying. You must have simply forgotten that you had any hair at all. It looked exactly like it must have looked when you crawled out from the depths of your bed. At this point you wouldn't be surprised to find some leaves or sticks tangled within the rat’s nest.

At least you hadn’t been wearing any makeup on your eyes to create dramatic black streaks down your cheeks, but a little lipstick or blush on your cheeks might have helped some. Anything would have helped. While you confessed your love to this beautiful man you looked like something scraped off the front grill of a semi truck after a 12 hour haul.

You took a few extra moments after your shower to fix whatever you could. It was a delicate balance. You didn't want to make it obvious that you’d gone through the trouble to make yourself super sexy and appealing looking, but you also couldn't just go back out there looking homeless and lost.

You settled for something in between. Something natural and clean looking on your face. Something pretty smelling on your freshly scrubbed skin and you made your way toward your closet wearing your favorite matching bra and panties set.

There was a little lace and just enough push to make your boobs look hot, but still in a neutral enough color that gave a cool and casual ‘oh this ol’ thing?’ feeling should the opportunity for him to actually see it somehow manifested.

Your real dilemma came as you stood in front of your closet.

Did you really need to wear pants? Couldn’t you just prance around your living room in your thinnest white t-shirt and pick things up off the floor that you’d clumsily knocked off the table or the bookshelf or the kitchen counter?

You compromised, picking out a short flouncy skirt and flowy top that liked to fall off the shoulder at inconvenient times and you practically ran out of your room hoping you hadn’t left him stewing in his post difficult phone call mood for too long.

On your way out of your room a familiar piece of paper stuck to the wood caught your eye and you took a step back to look up at the sign you’d hung there a few weeks ago. You tried to be casual about it. You tried your best to be quiet as you carefully lifted the tape that clung to the surface of the door and the paper rattled and crinkled noisily as you pulled. You heard the telltale sounds of paper ripping in half when you pulled. You’d forgotten to carefully lift the tape you put on the sides and the whole thing made quite a racket coming down. So much for discretion.

You were crumbling the whole mess into a tight ball inside your hands as you walked toward the living room and you caught movement on the sofa.

Baekhyun was sitting there it’s his eyes on your hallway, clearly looking up when he heard you coming. His hands were linked over his lap and he was leaning forward, resting on his forearms.

The instinct to hide it was strong and you saw the dip of Baekhyun’s eyes down to your hands and he looked at the ball of paper you hid inside your fist.

He’d just caught you. You’d ripped off your ‘No Boners’ sign from your door and Baekhyun had seen you do it. Now he was looking away from you and his eyes were wide as he stared across the room, looking anywhere that wasn’t at you. His face was tense. His lips were pulled tight and after a few seconds of blank staring he lifted his left hand to cover over his mouth a moment after you saw his white teeth flash with a wide smile and he closed his eyes up. A single snort of laughter escaped from him before he reeled it in and held his breath to stop it.

You had to save it. You had to be casual, dammit. You looked fucking cute right now and this man was in love with you and you loved him too and — God, his hair was wet. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt and jeans and everything about him looked casual and beautiful, you were staring. You were staring. You had to stop staring. You had to do something to save this.

You stuffed the paper ball into your pocket and took enough steps to reach the counter of the kitchen bar and you stuck an arm out and leaned against it.

You leaned because leaning was ultra casual and you also thought you might drop from the tension you were feeling inside your body right now if you relied only on your own two legs to hold you up.

How could absolutely none of the effects of your cooling shower have lasted the second you saw him again?

“Hi,” you said as you fought an embarrassed smile and the leaning felt so forced you closed your eyes to will your own face to un-flush.

Baekhyun dropped his hand from his face and his cheeks were pink to match his lips. He was smiling wide, clearly amused by your nonsense. You saw his chest shaking as he laughed and he lifted his hand and bit down on his closed fist. The laughter did not last long. He was looking at you though and his wide smile evened out when he dropped his hand. His eyes did not drop from your face. Not right away. You caught the drift when they did though and the heat you felt increased when you noticed the slow way he took you in from the glimpse of your bare shoulder down to the shortness of your skirt and down the length of your bare legs. His eyebrow danced once over his left eye and his tongue peaked out to moisten his lips before he bit down on the bottom one.

“Hi Bug,” he said.

Well, this was new.

...

[To Be Continued]

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 , Part 7 , Part 8 , Part 9 , Part 10 , FINAL Part 10.5

Tag list: @j-pping @blahblahblah-boo @his-mochi-cheeks @amyeonzing@littleflowercrown13 @baekinmylife @insta1010 @nana-banana @f4ncyvelvet@bbhbeth @totallynerdstuff @byunbabybaek @maijinki @bbyunz@theclawofaraven @kingkushdealer @uhobob @baekswifey @punchmebaekhyun @xlxbaekhyuneex @sorrowinblood @catseohyun @rossemayme @pastelsweaters-and-bubble-t @marovekian1 @versaexact

#Baekhyun #baekhyun fic #baekhyun fanfic #exo fic #exo fanfic #exo ff #baekhyun smut #baekhyun series #exo smut #exo fluff #exo series #baekhyun fluff

381 notes · View notes

ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years ago

Note

Would lowkey kill to see Kauri attempting to write poetry in his relationship with Jake era (omg Jake helping him/being the one to write it down) I always forget that he was a writer and loves poetry and I love him 10 times more every time I remember

CW: Some references to past trauma, forced illiteracy, some brief internalized victim-blaming/slut-shaming, Kauri’s low self-esteem

Takes place after Worth the Risk and Kauri’s first glimpse of his own past

“This is fucking stupid. I can’t fucking do this.” Kauri picks up the notebook, hard-backed blue with little golden stars twinkling on the cover, and throws it full-strength across the room until it smacks into the wall and drops to the ground, open to his own scrawling, struggling handwriting.

Chris, wrapped in a big fuzzy blue blanket and curled up in an armchair playing a game on his phone or texting Laken or maybe both, flinches and looks up. “Kauri?”

Kauri looks away from the earnest concern in those huge green eyes and kicks ineffectually at the coffee table, hissing when he doesn’t actually miss and his toes connect with the hard wooden leg. “Fuck. Fucking-... bullshit, I’m an idiot trying to do this, just-... god damn it. I should know better.”

There’s a silence, and then Chris asks, softly, “Know better than, than... than to what? What were you, um, you doing?”

Kauri’s jaw is set and for a second he considers lying. He’s a good liar, after all, and Chris is always so ready to believe him, he wouldn’t even question it. Safer to lie, hide the ideas inside his head, talk instead about something soft and surface-level.

Safer to be stupid, always.

But he’s trying not to do that anymore.

He’s trying.

“Writing,” He says, finally. “I was... trying to-... write something.” The words are ground out of him nearly against his will. He glares at the notebook lying open on the floor, the scrawling handwriting of the fucked up slut still thinking he can be anything else. Looping and childish, too big almost to fit within the lines.

“Oh.” Chris pauses, and then brightens, setting his phone aside and straightening up. “You, you sad you think that you used to, to, to, to write, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.” Kauri’s head hurts, a sharp punishing ache. How dare he think in metaphor and simile, how dare he try to build the villanelle, how dare he remember vaguely arguing with someone in a coffeeshop over old poetic forms being superior to poems that don’t even try to fit within a rhythm, and he just-

This is so-

He’s so stupid, thinking he could just pick it up again like it hasn’t been a decade or close, like he’s still whatever stupid shit lived in his body before he-

signed up for this-

followed a fucking hot guy outside in the dark and got thrown into a van and made into Kauri.

“Well, my... my professor for, for, for, for Playwriting says... says writing is a muscle. You, you have to exercise. And you can’t do the, um, the, the, the-the heavy weights until you start with, with small ones.”

Kauri snorts, derisive, but it’s not because Chris is wrong - of course he’s not wrong. Part of Kauri knows it, too, that he used to write all the time, around the pounding inside his skull he knows that he used to scribble lines on napkins and paper towels and the margins of his study books, bringing together the poem itself only later, usually alone or with a boyfriend on the other side of the room. He used to be able to do this.

He used to do this all the time.

“I wish Owen had wanted someone who could write a fucking poem,” Kauri says, voice breaking on the tears that threaten. “Maybe then I’d still be able to.” He pushes himself to his feet and stomps over to scoop up the notebook almost violently. “Why are you taking Playwriting, anyway? I thought you wanted to do set design.”

“I, I do.” Chris shrugs, eyes on Kauri, watching him walk back towards the doorway that leads to a hall and then to the kitchen. “But I thought-... I, I, I figured-... maybe if I learn how to, to write a play, it would help... visualize. For, for, for set-building. You, um. You know?”

Kauri exhales, slowly, and then nods. “Yeah. I get it. That’s a good plan - I mean, not that I would know, I’m a college fucking dropout, right?” He laughs, bitterness in every word, in every sound.

“No,” Chris replies, simply. “You, you were... abducted. We were, um. We, we, we were stolen. Your words were, um, were stolen, too. That’s what Dr. Berger-”

“Fuck Dr. Berger,” Kauri snaps, and leaves the room before Chris can make any more sense and possibly break apart Kauri’s determined self-loathing while he still wants to soak in it.

Hating himself for what he can’t do - or what he’s been told he can’t do - is so much easier than trying to do it anyway.

Everything was easier than trying to get better.

So why is he still trying?

Notebook clenched in white-knuckled hands, Kauri climbs the stairs like a man moving to the gallows, one by one, his thoughts a swirling morass of self-hatred, and then he moves into the bedroom he shares with Jake here and stares at the rumpled covers on the bed.

He sleeps here every single night, wakes up to the same face pressed red on one side from the pillow, hears the same deep voice rumbling good morning, feels the same arm slide over his waist, the same scratchy stubble rubbing his jaw when he’s kissed.

I have generally found, in my work, the fucking therapist’s voice echoes inside him, that when you begin to do the work to rebuild, you will find yourself dedicated over time to reconstructing not just a room, Kauri, but the entire city that was once leveled. Does that make sense?

He’d told her it didn’t.

Kauri spent years dodging therapy whenever Nat didn’t talk him into it, and he hates going. He hates having to spill all the darkness inside him to someone who never stops being so goddamn calm.

But the first time she’d said, have you ever heard about the effect that solitary confinement has on the human mind? He had told her he didn’t know, but he’d started crying, too, and hadn’t been able to explain why.

Part of you knows, Dr. Berger had said gently. Part of you always knew.

He had never really wanted to know the person who had inhabited this skin, or try to be him again. But standing here looking at the evidence of the life he is slowly building - his clothes in a crumpled heap on the floor by the bed, his toothbrush in the little cup in the bathroom, a picture of he and Jake in a frame by the bed now, the very small silver ring he wears sometimes even though they’re not and they probably won’t but it kind of feels good to wear it sometimes...

He wonders if Liam Harker wanted a life like this one.

---

“It’s really dumb,” Kauri mutters, pulling the pillow over his face, burning red with embarrassment. “I didn’t even really mean for you to see it-”

“It’s not dumb,” Jake says, gently. Kauri feels the dip in the mattress as he sits down, feels the warmth of his hand resting on Kauri’s thigh through the blanket. “I’m sorry I read it. I didn’t know what I was looking at. If it was supposed to be a secret-”

“No. I didn’t. I forgot I left it out on the dresser. It’s not your fault. It’s so fucking stupid. I don’t know why I even-”

“Kauri.” Jake’s voice sharpens, a little. “Stop. Stop calling yourself stupid. You’re not, and you never were, and you don’t have to repeat what that asshole told you about yourself anymore, remember?”

Kauri swallows, hard, a lump in his throat he can’t quite breathe around. “When does it stop being his voice,” He asks, muffled, “and start being my own?”

“When you let it,” Jake says, rubbing his leg soothingly. “Just like my dad’s voice. You’re not stupid. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met in my life. I’m sorry I read it, but that’s because it wasn’t mine to read, not because it was dumb, or bad. It wasn’t.”

Kauri hesitates, then pulls the pillow to the side, looking at the sincere affection in Jake’s face, his slight smile. “Yeah? You’re not just-”

“Saying that? No, I’m not. I mean, I’m not, like, a poetry person-”

“It’s not even a real villanelle, anyway.”

“I have no idea what that means. I just... I thought it was pretty good, actually. When I realized-... I put it down when I realized you were writing about-... you know. Yourself.”

“Liam,” Kauri says, hoarse, barely able to pronounce the name. “I wrote-”

“Yeah.” Jake takes his hand, pulls it to his lips, presses a kiss to Kauri’s knuckles. “I know. It’s really good, Kaur. You should keep writing. I promise I won’t look at any stray papers I find anymore, yeah?”

Kauri takes a breath. He feels almost dizzy, in a way that is both terrible and wonderful. The way you open yourself to the people you love is a horrible, amazing risk. The way you spill the darkest parts of yourself, not things you’ve done wrong but the things you are afraid of allowing back into the light, in case it washes them all away again.

But the light he lives in now isn’t cold, and it isn’t taking him away from himself. The light he lives in now is sunlight.

“What?” Jake’s eyebrows raise slightly. “What’s that face for?”

“Jake. What if-... what if I ask you to? Read them?”

Jake’s lips press together, and he nods, smiling slightly, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against Kauri’s hand. He’s always warm, Jake, even on the coldest days. He’s always warm. “I’d be-... be fucking honored, or something that sounds less bullshit than that, but I mean it. I’d be... I love you, Kauri. Seeing inside your head is what I want to do for-... for forever.”

“Maybe I’ll ask then,” Kauri says, and pulls Jake’s hand and then Jake himself, the taller, larger man settling on top of him, holding himself up on his elbows, careful not to rest all his weight. “I love you, too, you know.”

“Yeah.” Jake kisses the tip of his nose. “It’s pretty fucking great.”

Kauri’s eyes glimmer, but he closes them so Jake can’t see, and kisses his forehead. “It’s nice to think that I’m lucky and mean it.”

“I think you should read your poem to Dr. Berger,” Jake says, and when Kauri groans, he pulls back. “I mean it. She should know.”

Kauri wants to argue, but he looks into Jake’s eyes, and sighs, and says he’ll think about it.

---

AN APOLOGY

I am built from the hollow air left after your heart stopped beating

Your hands still gripped tight to the life they were ending

I know you thought of home but I don’t know where your home is

The sound of my voice is a green valley that only sends back screaming

Covered in smoke and dust that I told myself smelled like cologne

Pathways that remember your laughter silent in the years that followed

Have I done enough to build a life you would have enjoyed living?

I am built from the hollow air left over when your heart stopped beating

The heat of their hands as inevitable as a river tore down every foundation

Their cruelty buried you so deeply that only I remain

I don’t deserve the love that should have been yours to receive

The sound of my voice is a valley echoing back your screaming

I owe you an apology for walking around inside you

Crumbling ruins with my touch and calling it preservation

I’m sorry for every blade of grass growing through our bones

Am I nothing but hollow air from when your heart stopped beating?

Wildflowers grow inside me from soil windswept over ash

Is that life worth everything not quite dead so deep below?

Is Kauri Grant good enough to make up for Liam Harker’s loss?

In the valley of my body, does anyone but me still hear you screaming?

I owe you an apology and have to hope the life I live provides it

I wish I could ask for forgiveness from the shape of you

We’re both ghosts, in the end, mosaic pieces shattered in shadows

I’m sorry that I’m all that’s left.

I built myself from hollow air in the shape of a heart still beating

The sound of my voice will always carry the echo of yours screaming

Tagging: @burtlederp , @finder-of-rings , @endless-whump , @whumpfigure , @astrobly @newandfiguringitout , @doveotions , @pretty-face-breaker , @boxboysandotherwhump , @orchidscript @cubeswhump , @whump-tr0pes @whumpiary @moose-teeth @whumptywhumpdump @wildfaewhump

208 notes · View notes

dangermousie · 3 years ago

Text

CFC Chapter 54

“A crashing car?” Ahahahaha I see you, Meatbun. But it was indeed an utter pileup!

I know I commented on this passage in its various iterations eight billion times already but I still have more to say. And it’s that XQC taking so long to realize that even though HY is young, his emotions and feelings are as genuine and strong as those of anyone older is so realistic - people do tend to think that especially with regard to children - think of a reaction of an adult to a three year old crying over ice cream they dropped. It’s all amused even if not meanly so. Because to an adult with vastly more experience, this is not a big deal. But what that forgets is that whether it’s ridiculous to someone else or not, to the person at issue that is a real feeling, AND that of course a person can only feel through the lens of their experience - what else is there? Emotions aren’t any less valid because they are informed by lesser or different experience.

Honestly, to me so far this is one of the driving messages of the novel - everyone is in their own world of issues and pain and none of these characters can truly look through the lens of another person and it would be so much better if they did. To XQC, for so long, He Yu’s strong feelings (and we know so many of these feelings are awful - despair, and self-loathing, and loneliness) never quite felt real and therefore never quite felt fully valid. And by the time it wasn’t the case, it was too late.

But the same is true for He Yu - he is so concentrated on his own grievances and his own pain, he cannot perceive others’ different issues. In He Yu’s mind, he’s the winner and always champion of Misery Olympics and while he’s had a horrible time of it, that doesn’t mean other people didn’t either just in different ways. Whether because of his condition, his issues or just his age, HY is not empathetic in the least.

And think about it - XQC does not have a horrible illness. He does not have unfeeling parents. But he had to watch his beloved parents brutally murdered in front of his eyes at 13 (!!!!) and then had to raise a 5 year old by himself. Is it worse or better than HY’s trauma? That’s a matter of opinion but what there is no question about is that is a different type of trauma and a different type of scar. Or think about the patient in the asylum whose name I am too lazy to look up - her life is such a theater of horrors that to me, it makes the combined issues of HY and XQC seem small, though once again that’s subjective. Nobody wins when people start this sort of competition.

My heart breaks for XQC but also - I am sorry - if/when HY x XQC hook up again (how? I have no idea! But that is one of the joys of Meatbun - I both have no idea how/where it’s going and utterly trust her), please have He Yu read up and learn things because Good God. You should not be in major pain the morning after unless you are into pain and XQC clearly is not!

The other thing is the bit about XQC forcing himself to walk in his usual ramrod-straight manner is the moment I went utterly gone for him. I mean, I liked him and found him interesting before. But this is the thing that flipped that invisible switch for me and I went rabid and irrational and now I am Team XQC and I don’t care what he wants and does from now on, he should have it. It’s so small but so real. My mother and her mother were both big on straight posture. And one of the reasons they gave was when you walk with good posture - you look confident but also it makes you feel confident and stronger. And I’ve actually found it to be true - when you throw your shoulders back and straighten your neck and hold your head up, it does not just give others a signal, it gives a signal to your own brain. So to see XQC insist on doing it, despite being emotionally and physically shattered - because of his pride refusing to give up, because he’s so unbending, but also this being some sort of instinctive armor, just hits straight through the heart.

OK, I laughed at HY as a fucking machine. But also, this is another point in the whole “everyone has issues” narrative and HY’s life could be worse. HY, with all his other issues, can pay an insane amount, an amount that XQC could not pay in a million years, so easily. It’s not even a blip to him. Hell, the fact that he forgot to pay speaks to that - I can see forgetting to pay a friend a couple of bucks back right away because it’s not much money. HY forgets because it does not loom in his mind. And this rich lifestyle is instinctive, is ingrained in him. I think he’d find it hard to be poor.

THAT is what he’s thinking about? Priorities are...

The sole good thing that came out of this insanity is that XQC is getting in touch with his emotions, even if those emotions are (rightly) rage. He’s too closed off from them normally.

The fact that you slept with a man should be secondary to the fact that you drugged and raped him, but here we are...

To me, this sums up He Yu as a moral wasteland. To still, when sober and past his fit and not under influence of wine, to still feel excitement over his revenge and to somehow twist it that it’s XQC’s fault for being raped by He Yu is !!!!!!!!!

(I suppose if I were charitable, I’d assume that the disquiet is small stirrings of almost dead conscience and his “he deserved it” is an attempt to justify the unjustifiable to himself, but I honestly don’t want to think so because I am so angry at him. Not until I see some more evidence. I don’t feel like being indulgent with He Yu since he’s indulgent with himself enough for two.)

1. The fact that you can tell from the picture XQC got taken by a man (I am gonna defer to Meatbun’s expertise here) definitely points to the fact that the pictures are going to be used for something bad later - because if it’s just oh XQC had sex, so what, he’s single what’s the big deal. But like this it becomes a different matter. No idea if it will be used for HY or XQC or both, and by whom (money is on Duan and co, but after the way HY went off, I would never say HY himself won’t use it badly somehow) but knowing Meatbun, it will go for maximum damage.

2. Ruthless? Perhaps. Unfeeling? Hmmmm. I am not He Yu’s biggest fan atm but that’s a wonderfully misleading adjective here. He does still seem to be in shock. And fixating.

3. The whole “hahahaha XQC is a hypocrite when he was all ‘I am not interested in sex’“ is - I am not sure if HY is just short-circuiting (fine) or using a rapist justification/rolling in a sea of toxic toxicity (not fine) because I am sorry, that’s totally like “he/she had a reaction, can’t be rape” writ large. Yeah, sure he had a reaction - you poured drugs down his throat. That has nothing to do with his default preferences or his actual state. THE FUCK?!

Anyway, we end on the whole “u mad bro?” bit and you know what strikes me? HY was all “I am done, we are done, my revenge is complete I don’t care” but here he is, still desperately seeking and craving reaction and interaction from XQC.

I remain utterly puzzled as to how these two will ever be a couple except for a couple being defined as “two mutually homicidal people.” Leaving aside everything else, I am willing to accept HY is in the closet - clearly whatever his orientation is, it includes men. But I do not get that sense from XQC at all. When he’s not drugged, he’s barely interested in sex with anyone and I do not get the sense he’s in the closet either. Chances of anyone, let alone He Yu, who is both a man and someone who raped him to humiliate him, being able to entice him into sexual encounters voluntarily is about the chance of me going to visit Mars. Meatbun loves doing insane things so I can’t wait.

PS I know people use the term psychopath all the time casually but ummm, I think He Yu may actually be one? When he has his father (!!!) on speakerphone, calmly carrying a conversation with the man as he’s raping his father’s friend in the club as he talks (!!!!!) that is...in RL I’d be “team lock him up for life, there is something so basic broken in him that it can’t be fixed.” Like - the hell? The ability to put things on different shelves so much is not in the same country as sane (it makes me think of 2ha and TXJ banging CWN being the curtain while performing court business but TXJ was bona fide clinically insane and also this is worse because this is his actual freaking father omg.) Of course, only time will tell whether it’s evidence of him being irreparably incapable of normalcy in terms of living in the world/interacting with others or it was an extreme psychotic (in casual parlance not medical one) break because most people are capable of truly horrific stuff if certain levers are pushed and his default is saner. It’s the question, isn’t it? Whether He Yu’s factory default setting is the monster of the previous chapters or the kid who’d cut his wrists so as not to hurt others.

Anyway, this novel is a terrifying roller coaster ride and I love having strong emotions.

#cnovel #meatbun doesn't eat meat #case file compendium

50 notes · View notes

mrthomasdoherty · 4 years ago

Note

hi! i know you’re a chris/kurt stan, but i was wondering if you have any favorite blaine moments or blaine episodes? (also, i just wanted to say thank you for defending blaine/klaine so hard. so many kurt stans are so anti blaine and it really bothers me, so thank you for understanding where blaine is coming from too)

Hello there! General Kenobi.

Listen, I will defend Blaine Anderson on my death bed. The amount of shit people choose to hate him for is ridiculous and is more telling of them. Because there's enjoyment of enemies to lovers and then there's just extreme out of character "development" to make your enemies to lover ship seem like the better choice to canon because "omg abuse". Not here for it. Just enjoy your ship but keep the slander and hatred for Blaine Anderson out of it, wow so simple. Amazing.

Okay anyway. Favorite moments and episodes of one Blaine Anderson.

10. Never Been Kissed. I love his introduction. He grabs a strange dudes hand to take a shortcut, then pulls a fast one by being all "oh and by the way I'm a warbler so lemme serenade you real quick strange dude". WHO DOES THAT? It's ridiculous, it's perfect, and it's nice that he's introduced as someone who has also been through the hell of being bullied for something that defines him as a person, but still being the bigger person in the end and coming out stronger. He's there at the right time, the right place, and it's because of him that Kurt remembers he has a voice.

9. In season 6, watching him regain that confidence and stride that he had in season 2? Love it. It's nice to see that he went to therapy, stepped outside his box, and took a chance on something unexpected for himself (even if who he dates is stupid, and it makes me nauseous - I blame the writers for this stupidity and not the character. The character is just their pawn to get the viewers reaction). I like that he fights for Jane, I like how he confronts Rachel and Kurt and doesn't go easy on them in regards to the competition, and I like that even through the bullshit HE is put through he still doesn't let it consume him and make him into a bitter person. Plus, again, HE WENT TO THERAPY! I love that!

8. Dynamic Duets. Seeing Blaine take control of the school without anyone questioning him?! Amazing leadership. We see him being a great leader in other episodes, before and after this one, but this one really hits it on the head. He gets everyone to dress up as superheroes to help boost everyone's confidence, express themselves, and just get out of their box in such a creative and fun way. We see him struggling still with feeling like he fits at McKinley because the reason he transferred is gone and no longer his boyfriend. I like that we can see the struggle! He's lonely. He's depressed. He's trying so hard to be better at getting by, but we see the struggle emotionally and mentally. He almost transfers to Dalton again because he thinks it would be better for everyone. He has Sam now, and that's it (which, bleck blam, but it's still important this episode so whatever). We see how self-destructive he is but still comes out on top by doing something great for the community. I like seeing character development. I like seeing the tidbits of character thought process, because like Blaine I've been there. Wanting to feel apart of something where you feel WANTED not just accepted. — also this episode he shames Mr.Schue for not even noticing the trophy is gone which DRAG HIM ANDERSON!!! That hint of sass! LOVE IT. Also Nightbird as a whole? Yes. Good.

7. Puppet Master. I like seeing what would go on in Blaine's brain on drugs - is that weird? It's an interesting view into his subconscious. He doesn't handle things like everyone else with their fantasy world them being hot and desirable. Nope! Blaine wants to feel validated, appreciated, and interact with felt-people because real people have hurt him - but felt-people can't. Felt-people can be tossed aside without causing them harm. Felt-friends compliment his body. Felt-fiancé's do whatever you want (kinky - what were you going to do with Kurt puppet that night you tried to take him back from Sylvester, Blaine? Cheeky). I like this quirk. I just don't like the ending song, that's it.

6. I love his moments where he performs by himself or for Kurt specifically. There's something different about how he performs if Kurt is watching (Cough Syrup, Teenage Dream (acoustic & original), All of Me, Beauty School Dropout, Barely Breathing (though that's just a figment), It's Not Right) vs. when he's in a group number. He's good in every song he does, and maybe I just think he performs differently because I'm a sucker for the angst majority of those songs being but whatever. I like it.

5. Love the Blaine being dramatic as a whole. Remember his reaction to seeing Tina and Sam making out and then running down the hall? And how MUCH HE LOVES BUMPER BOWLING?! I do. It's amazing.

4. THE WHOLE THING WITH ELLIOTT!!! Why did they only have one scene together?! Elliott being so understanding, and supportive, and not at all thinking Blaine is this weirdo for just BARGING into his apartment the way he does. He just HANDS HIM A GUITAR and Blaine takes it and it WORKS. He lets Blaine vent, he doesn't take it personal, and then Blaine calms down and apologizes. AND THEN THEY JAM. The best thing. That friendship would've been god tier.

3. Also that sass. "Huh, that's so unlike you." "I would say bye, but I wouldn't want to make you angry." "Well, he's not coming out anytime soon." "Why dont YOU put it back because it's YOUR apartment?"

2. I also LOVE that he isn't perfect. I love that we see him struggle. It makes him more realistic. Seeing his body issues in season 5, the depression, the self-destruction, the people pleasing perfectionist, the meltdowns, the struggle - because we see him struggle and overcome it in the end. Despite everything he struggled with, he got his happy ending with his soulmate AND A CHILD. He's succeeding in life with a family!

1. Tested. The whole episode. His traumatic response to Kurt's traumatic response. His body and self-confidence struggles. His defensive attitude and self-destructing basically, before snapping that built-up wall and finally communicating with Kurt about what the underlying problem actually is. IT IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE FOR A REASON! For Blaine, for Kurt, for both of them. Because not everyone reacts to trauma the same! It isn't going to be pretty! It isn't rainbows and puppy dogs dancing on clouds. It's crumbling in silence, and trying to be stronger than you are, and shutting down, and not having processed something completely because life still goes on like the trauma never happened all around you. It doesn't stop. So you find ways to cope. Like eating too many cronuts that you gain more weight and start to slip down a self-loathing hill to the point where you make things up in your head because you're overthinking and not wanting to burden anyone, especially the person you admire and care for the most because then they'll be disappointed in you and that has to be one of the worst feelings. BUT IT ALL COMES TO A HEAD, and ugh. Love it. Dont care. I like the realism about it, angst and all.

#Blaine Anderson #long post #answered #sorry this took a while a dude got busy

44 notes · View notes

olivieblake · 4 years ago

Note

KSIGJICNRJCNEHCBD HELLO HELLO WELCOME TO THE HELL THAT IS KNOWING ZUTARA IS EVERYTHING AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN AS SUCH !!!! wow i love that you are as angry as i was (and am every rewatch? yikes) this is amazing i knew you're my favorite but yeah wow man this really. confirms it whew high five

yeah it’s pretty wild how I knew this was what happened and was already bracing for it and yet STILL got completely misled by the narrative??? MEN I tell you MEN. I’m also going to use this ask as a method to reply to some of the other commentary if you don’t mind since this seems like a good place for communal frustration (here is my original post for anyone scrolling around lost)

@meg-hemmings: I agree with all of ur thoughts and I would TOTALLY read anything you wrote for Zutara … your writing is among my absolute favorite ever and I think you would write the Zutara dynamic so beautifully!

@one-man-propaganda-machine: I am - begging - you to write it yourself.

I... am not going to make promises, but I may have to. I want something very specific and that never bodes well for me. I doubt it would be more than a one-shot, but there are multiple scenes that could have occurred between episodes that would flesh out what was there (and of course I’d cut the final 15 seconds of the show, much like another epilogue I loathe and ignore)

@deifiliaa: omg atla discourse in 2021; olivie, i’d love to see what your character tier list looks like now that you’ve finished the series 👀

I’m going to put azula at the top. not because she’s a good person obviously but she’s FULL. OF. HITS. every time she’s on the screen the narrative gets immediately more interesting. she’s savvy and self-assured and I love it. her ending depressed me although I like that it was kind of about the loss of her two best friends? if that had been more of a focus I think I would have enjoyed it more but yeah, losing mai and ty lee could have been rightfully devastating. who among us is not totally obliterated by friend breakups. I also really loved uncle iroh; if anything that’s why I wasn’t invested in zuko’s storyline until close to the end, because watching him disappoint his uncle was very difficult (I get it, he’s a teenager, he’s growing and evolving and whatnot, but also I am closer to being his uncle than to being him so like, yeah). I also hope the peter pan revenge guy (JET that’s his name, sorry pregnancy kills my brain cells) did hook up with both katara and zuko. I love that journey for all three of them. I wanted more time with mai than we got, so there wasn’t quite enough there to love... but I was very down with ty lee interfering on her behalf. what a pivotal moment

of the core characters I think I was quickest to love sokka; the episode where he apologizes to suki and asks her to train him cemented it for me. I think it’s a big deal to show boys apologizing on-screen and owning their misconceptions. I like katara a lot—she’s what a lot of people do with fanon hermione. toph is also great, and part of me feels there is a strong basis for a ship with aang that balances their opposing energy, though I also like the idea of them being platonic besties. aang is... twelve. pretty much every time he was on the screen mr blake (a teacher) was like “man, aang is such a seventh grader,” so it was nice how convincing that was for his emotional journey, but at the same time it was hard to forget he was in seventh grade. appa and momo are STARS. I am sure I have mentioned this before but mr blake really loves animals and he was devastated by appa’s kidnapping; he hugged our dog for about ten minutes after aang found appa. after he decided I was zuko, he speculated that he is closest to aang but he’s not happy about it lol. “ugh, aang and I are such boring pacifists” was I believe his take on the subject

@libbynico, who for some reason I can’t tag: so true! katara was literally something like a mother/older sister figure to aang the entire time, but whatever

yeah, I think it really sucks that katara, as the emotionally nurturing character, felt shoved into the role of love interest. it’s everything wrong with the distribution of emotional labor in male-female relationships but sure, WHATEVER, apparently nobody thought to ask me in 2008

@touslesnoms: I liked “such selfish prayers” by andromeda3116 if you ever decide to read zutara after the series; the worst prisoner by emletish is super funny too

thanks for the recs! I will take them. I do want something very specific so I will be accepting recs until I find it lol. or until I lose composure and write it (yeah this is me WITH my composure, no wonder mr blake thinks I’m zuko, “I’m never happy” indeed)

@gaeleria: THANK YOU!!! Ugh omg that “I’m confused” kiss scene made me actively hate the ending. I knew ahead of time they were endgame, so I tried to make myself accept it early on. Like, I really didn’t like the pairing, but I wasn’t going to be emotionally invested in the romance and it was just going to be like, whatevs. AND THEN THEY WROTE THAT SCENE??! 1000% no. What was even the point of that scene? If they had written it to make Aang have some introspection and realize it’s not all about him, Katara’s feelings matter too, or even apologize, or anything… but no, there was literally no point to that scene. No character growth, it was never mentioned again. Ugh.

this is in answer to both you and beloved @zabbini: yeah this was a fuck-up for sure lol. I think it may come down to editing for time; the series is very irregularly paced, what with the majority of the action taking place in the final three episodes of a 16 episode season. or maybe it’s just because MEN CAN’T BE TRUSTED TO WRITE ROMANCE but either way yeah this was a real misstep and just truly, truly reeked of a particular (white) male attitude about how women think and what they owe. had a bad day, dudes? buy a gun, kiss your forever girl, do whatever you want and it’s fine! (I’m exaggerating but barely)

in terms of what’s so angering for me: a character like katara who previously had tons of agency was robbed of it when it came to her romantic arc, which is just really upsetting. and to be fair, I was equally upset when zuko instantly agreed to the agni kai with azula because it was like okay well katara’s extremely valuable, as you know, but now you want her to just sit on the sidelines...? (more of a story flaw than a relationship flaw, but my chest sunk a little at the idea that katara was going to sit by and watch as an accessory to zuko’s story when she’s a crucial weapon in their collective fight. what a waste, right?)

it’s also especially hard to buy into the aang thing when zuko’s method of problem-solving on katara’s behalf is there for comparison. he asks her what she needs in order to find closure and then from there, does everything necessary to get it without having to be asked twice. versus aang, who is a twelve-year-old pair of rogue lips who never wins any of his fights without the aid of phenomenal cosmic powers...? ugh I’m getting off track but in the end there’s just a complete lack of understanding what female audiences want, though again, I don’t think they were really considering that at all. which I guess is... fair, it’s not the point of the show, but then why make the ending romantic at all? to show that their brand of hero gets everything he wants, I guess

in conclusion in 2008 I’m not sure the industry was capable of doing better, which sucks but isn’t surprising. still, it does fit the components of “stuff I write fics for,” which is I enjoyed most of it but find myself enraged by slivers I compulsively need to fix—WHICH IS STILL NOT A PROMISE but ugh I can already feel myself giving in

#avatar the last airbender #zabbini

26 notes · View notes

crystaljins · 4 years ago

Text

River lead me home | 04

Characters: Kim Seokjin x reader

Word count: 8.6 k

Synopsis: Ever since coming to the human realm when you were child, nothing seems to fit, and this was just supposed to be a simple roadtrip to help you find yourself.

Is that too much to ask for?

Spin-off to A long journey home

Rating: Teens

Genre: Adventure, fluff, angst

Notes: Omg I actually forgot twice in a row to post this LOL. It’s getting posted now at least!! I feel like I’ve had the sort of week where I’m extra tired. Idk.

Anyway I’ve been writing these HP prompts people sent in recently and I’m having so much fun! If you’re someone who sent it in, I promise I got your prompt! I’m just slowly but surely making my way through!!

Tags: @blue1928

Masterlist

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 FINAL

It’s clear that you’re on your best behaviour after Jin agrees to travel with you.

After your detour to rescue Jin, the river is now a seven day walk away. A few days’ worth of hiking will take the three of you to a village on the outskirts of the forest, where you will be able to purchase a second bedroll and more food and water supplies. After that, it is a steady trek past the Mountains of Delaria, at the foot of which you will be able to see the radiant night sky, clearer than in any other part of the realm. Following that, it is a hike through the murky swamplands, and then finally once the three of you cross the golden plains, which grow many unique species of metallic flora, you will finally reach the edge of the river.

One would think that you’d be excited to be on such a journey, especially given the motives that went into going on it in the first place, but instead you are intent on making Jin feel like you’re an overbearing bodyguard instead of his friend. He feels like at any moment in time you are one leaf crackle away from pulling out a broomstick and sweeping a clear path through the forest for him to walk down. You flinch at the slightest thing- a bug lands on him and you feel the need to do a full body check for injuries. A twig pokes him and you’re ready to pull out a flame thrower. It’s clear you’re on some kind of self-assigned mission.

And it’s sweet, it is. If he stops and thinks about it, you’re obviously trying to make up for past transgressions. It’s nice, to know that you value him enough that his harsh words are motivation to treat him better rather than just cutting him out of your life.

But. For goodness’ sake. It’s getting to be a little out of hand.

“You’re shivering.” Jin groans, his voice raspy with sleep. You turn your head from where you are huddled at the base of a tree to where Jin has raised his head from his lying position to glare at you. He’d only been joking when he agreed to take your bedroll, but you’d insisted. And now it’s been a few hours and it’s not like he can get a wink of sleep with you shivering from cold a few metres away.

“I’m not.” You insist through chattering teeth, even as you hug your knees closer to your chest and release an indignant exhale that puffs against the cold air in a cloud. Jungkook, who is sound asleep in the pocket of your jacket, releases a loud snore. Jin groans and sits up, swaddled warmly in your bedroll.

“I told you to take the bedroll!” He snaps. He doesn’t mean to be quite so harsh in his tone, and he instantly regrets it when you cower like a scolded puppy. It’s too reminiscent of times past. He always makes you flinch away when he’s just trying to make you understand. Why he’s worried. Why the things you do are reckless. What it means to the people who love you were they to lose you. But he can’t seem to separate the fear and anger that comes with that sentiment and what has resulted is you constantly thinking he hates you. Which isn’t true! He’s not mad and he doesn’t hate you... he just feels bad. And in all honesty... You can’t honestly expect him to sleep peacefully when he knows you’re miserable, can you?

“You said you wouldn’t sleep on the forest floor and I don’t have enough money for that inn we passed.” You mumble. You’re no weakling. You had promised yourself this was going to be the best trip of Jin’s life and so that’s what it’s going to be. You weren’t about to make him sleep in the cold when you’d dragged him to this realm against his will in the first place. Jin is silent for a moment, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“I didn’t want you to give up your bedroll. I thought you were only joking when you said that.” He mumbles, shuffling closer. He stares at you for a long moment. He’s been procrastinating bringing this up with you all day because honestly, he feels awkward and he doesn’t know where he stands with you. Everything is weird and messed up- there’s so much history and hard feelings between the two of you, but at the same time you both care too much to give up. What has resulted is this weird limbo where the two of you are walking on eggshells around each other. But he doesn’t think he can last another moment of your overbearing actions, let alone another few weeks.

“Listen, (Y/N), I get that you want me to have a good time on this trip. I do. But really, you don’t have to try so hard. I actually would not enjoy it if you froze to death when there’s a perfectly good bedroll for you to use right here.” You bite your lip and stare at Jin. His hair is messy, and his eyes are squinted from sleep. He’s rolled up in your bedroll like a burrito and he looks comfortable and warm. You’re struck by the thought that it would be nice to curl up beside him, but you push the thought down as quickly as it arrives- you’re good at pushing away those kind of intrusive thoughts.

It’s difficult to articulate the feelings that have you on edge, but they largely come down to this: You don’t want Jin to keep seeing you as a burden. It’s not like it’s new news- a certain incident in highschool springs to mind- but it’s never occurred to you until his outburst just how frustrated he is by your relationship. But now that you know, you cannot bear the thought. The bruises and swelling have long vanished. Those are the last remnants of the attack on him by the Saishtas, but though they are almost gone, every now and then you see him stretch his shoulder in discomfort and you are reminded anew; to Jin, you are a pain. An inconvenience. An unwanted responsibility.

“I know.” You finally say. “But I really, really want you to have a good time. I don’t want you to keep thinking of me as this annoying brat you have to look after all the time.”

That’s why you asked him to come with you to see the river. You want to prove to him on this trip that he doesn’t have to constantly be responsible for you. You’re not an untrained puppy. And, if you’re being really honest, you want to go back. To the times before things got messed up between the two of you. Back to when you were kids and your biggest concern was what bugs you would catch at the river near your village or who could climb to the treetops faster. You just... you keep remembering his face, the night your mother announced her engagement, and his words won’t stop playing on repeat in your head. “I’ve let you step all over me our whole lives”, he had said. You... don’t want to be that person to him. Not anymore.

Jin feels guilt eat at him when your brow furrows. It’s clear that his earlier words to you at the portal are affecting you profoundly. Which had never been his intention- he had been hurt and confused and had lashed out. He doesn’t actually think you’re selfish and immature. You have your moments, for sure, and he’s not about to go singing your praises off roof tops any time soon, but the level of guilt and self-loathing you are experiencing in response to his earlier outburst is more than he intended.

You flinch when you feel pressure at the space between your brows. Jin is pressing his index finger into the crease that has formed there in your moping.

“Relax.” He sighs. “You know we could have just shared?”

He unzips the sleeping bag and spreads it and shuffles forward until he can spread it over the two of you like a blanket. He leans against the tree trunk you rest against as well. You find yourself huddling in closer to him, just on instinct, because as embarrassing as it is to admit to yourself, you’re freezing. And Jin’s body heat feels like the inside of a toaster.

Jin clears his throat awkwardly. He hadn’t expected you to cave quite so easily and curl into him like that. A peaceful moment of silence lingers in the air, however, until he breaks it.

“(Y/N).” He says slowly. “I know things have been awkward between us, and I know that over the past few days we’ve said a lot of things to each other, but I want you to know you don’t have to try so hard.”

“I do.” You insist. “Jin... every word you said about me earlier was true. I’ve been so selfish, and immature and you’re the one who’s had to suffer because of that.”

Jin chews at the inside of his cheek for a moment, before dropping his gaze.

“I was wrong to say those things.” He finally says. “You can be immature and selfish sometimes, but I shouldn’t have said it like that. And I shouldn’t have said those things about your father. I know... I know you’re trying, (Y/N). And it probably seems like I’m really harsh on you and only seem to nag you all the time, but that’s because I know you’re so much more than what you let yourself be. So please. Just relax, and be yourself. I’ve known with you my whole life- I don’t want a personality transplant.”

When he finally gathers the courage to look at you again, you are gazing up at him with round, watery eyes. The look in your eyes is a little overwhelming. It’s the same look you always give him; like he’s a hero, who can only do right. He bites his lip- there it is again. That urge, to live up to the image he knows you have of him in your head.

“I never thanked you, you know.” He says suddenly, changing the subject in an attempt to overcome that urge. You merely continue to gaze up at him. Jin is always handsome in a way that is otherworldly, but up close he’s simply overwhelming. You can just barely make out his face, but even in the meagre light, your heart still does a weird pulse against your ribs when you meet his dark eyes.

“For what?” You finally say, and it’s a struggle for you to keep your voice even under the weight of his gaze. He shrugs and smiles, pulling you in close enough that you have to shift to avoid crushing Jungkook in your pocket.

“For saving me.” He says. “I think I was too shocked earlier to say it, but I really thought I was going to die back there. So, thank you.”

“You were in trouble because of me.” You point out. “It wasn’t bravery. If anything had happened to you, it would have been my fault.”

Jin nods, pressing his lips together awkwardly. He doesn’t know what he can say to convince you otherwise, so he forgoes giving you an answer. Instead, he reaches his hand up to press against the side of your head until you are forced to rest lay your head down against his shoulder.

“Go to sleep, (Y/N).” He whispers. “We’ve got a long journey ahead of us.”

He feels your body relax beside him, and your head sinks against him. He cannot resist the smile that slides onto his face, and he turns his head away, lest you look up and see it. He’s missed moments like these. They are few and far between, especially as of late since you’ve been avoiding him more and more. In the silence that follows, he thinks you may have finally fallen asleep, but then you break it.

“Jin.” You say softly. The words are hardly more than a whisper, almost lost in the exhale of your breath. If he weren’t a guardian with enhanced hearing, he surely would have missed them.

“Yeah?” He asks, allowing his head to drop so that it rests against the crown of your head. Tomorrow he will wake up with a kink in his neck, but it’s almost worth it.

“I’ve been avoiding you.” The confession holds a lot of weight for you. For just yesterday, you had had every intention of letting Jin fade from your life. Of letting your insecurities and sense of inferiority guide you. You had hated him, the way he made you feel, the way that you could never be around him without remembering all the ways in which you did not and could not measure up to him and the kind of people he liked to keep company with. But at the same time... you cannot hate him. You want to despise him, to let the feelings of jealousy and misery consume you, to continue to mope if your pity party, but this is Jin. The person who has been there for you in your darkest moments even if he did not want to be. The man who could not leave you, even when he should have. The man who had cradled you like you were something precious as you fell through into this realm.

“I know.” He sighs, turning his head away to gaze up at the fractured glimpses of the stars above. “I was letting you.” He confesses right back to you. The words hover between you and it forces you to confront how messed up the relationship has become between you. If you continue to do nothing about it, you really will lose him.

But you don’t want that to happen. You know that now, after everything the two of you have endured together. You want him in your life. And it’s not too late to fix it all. You really, truly believe that.

“But I don’t want to avoid you anymore.” You announce, and Jin snorts.

“I figured, since you pretty much begged me to spend the next two weeks with you and the fruit fly.” He observes, and you smile and look away. “Now go to sleep. We have nearly two weeks of hiking ahead of us and I have every intention of making you carry me if my feet hurt.” He sniffs. You can’t resist one last parting shot before allowing yourself to drift off, however.

“Thank you.” You call softly, right when he thinks you’ve fallen asleep. He stirs slightly and glances down at you in surprise. You shift and peer up at him with sleepy but warm eyes. And something about the look makes his throat feel tight and the tips of his ears feel hot and he is once again struck by the thought that you suddenly don’t look like the annoying little girl that he’s known all his life.

Sleep doesn’t come easy to him that night. He’s not really sure why, other than the fact that he feels strangely aware of the way the warmth of your body spreads to his beneath the cover of the bed roll, and the way your shoulders rise and fall in steady comforting breaths. It must eventually lull him to sleep, however, for when he rouses, you are still fast asleep, but Jungkook peers at him with amusement from his position on Jin’s outstretched knee. Jungkook lies flat on his stomach which his legs kicked up in the air like he is a young girl at a sleepover about to spill the secrets of her latest crush to her friends.

The pleased, almost catlike smile Jungkook gives as he rests his chin in his hands and kicks his legs back and forth has Jin instantly on his guard. He and the oversized mosquito don’t get along at the best of times, and Jin knows Jungkook well enough to discern that a look like that on the pesky pixie’s face only spells trouble for Jin.

“So...” Jungkook begins, drawing out the “so” for an obnoxiously long amount of time. Beside him, you still snooze peacefully, unaware of the trouble that is about to unfold. Jin shifts slightly so that he is in prime position to glare at Jungkook with full power, taking care not to jostle your head where it rests against his shoulder.

“What?” Jin asks. To his credit, he doesn’t snap or anything like that, which is rare when it comes to Jungkook. He has the unique ability make Jin lose his temper, which is usually a rare occurrence. (Excluding any involvement with you, of course)

“Nothing. You just look very comfortable.” Jungkook observes, with a pointed look at your sleeping form. You shift and tuck your head more securely against Jin. His gaze flicks back for a moment, distracted by the movement, and when he turns back to Jungkook, Jungkook’s tiny smile has widened.

“Jungkook...” Jin calls warningly, although he is unsure as to what he is cautioning Jungkook against with the edge in his tone. He just knows that he will not like whatever comes out of Jungkook’s mouth next.

“When’s...” Jungkook has to pause in a fit of snickering, struggling to get the words out because he really thinks he’s that funny. “When’s the wedding?”

Jin is silent at Jungkook’s little joke, and Jin’s lack of response has Jungkook almost rolling off Jin’s knee with the force of his guffaws. The noise is loud enough to cause you to stir in your sleep. Jin ignores this, however, because he knows from past experiences that your bed could literally be on fire and you’d remain asleep.

When Jungkook finally calms down enough to stop laughing, he pauses at the glare present on Jin’s face.

“What?” He questions, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Is it really that offensive?” Then his expression turns mischievous. “Does it hit too close to home? Me implying you like her in that way?” His wings raise him up in the air so that he is eye level with Jin, and he lounges mid-air, idly examining his nails.

“No.” Jin snaps, shifting uncomfortably. The weight of your head against him, previously comforting, now seems to weigh him down. He feels pinned in place, and his lungs feel stiff like they are refusing to expand. “I’m just astounded at how you can make such a ridiculous joke. I’d never like her.”

Jungkook shrugs, spinning around in the air so that his back points to the ground like he’s lying in a hammock, and folds his arms behind his head.

“I mean if you’d seen the look on your face when she got sucked into the portal, you’d probably be thinking the same thing as me.” Jungkook points out. Jin grits his teeth- he cannot explain the sudden unease he feels, the way Jungkook’s words seem to burrow under his skin and make the world seem off-kilter. It’s not like people haven’t made jokes about him liking you before- some of his exes have even dumped him because they were so unsure about how he felt towards you. But this makes him uncomfortable, for some reason. The way that Jungkook watches him, seemingly nonchalant, but concealing sharp, observant eyes, just gets to him.

“Wouldn’t you have been concerned if your friend was getting sucked into a dangerous portal?” Jin retorts, oddly defensive. Jungkook taps his fingers ponderingly against his chin.

“My friends are you, Taehyung and (Y/N).” Jungkook reminds him. “You’re literally members of the most feared species in this entire realm. I wouldn’t have to feel concerned. But that’s off topic anyway. Even if I were hypothetically human and could have something like a friend... I don’t think I would have pulled the same face you did in that moment.” He sits up and meets Jin’s gaze steadily. He’s serious in a way that Jin has never really seen Jungkook be before. “You looked like your entire world was about to end.”

Jin is silent because he has no defence against Jungkook’s observations. He’d looked that way because he’d felt that way. He’d tried so hard, in that moment, to walk away from you. To leave you to your own devices. But then he’d been struck by that feeling- the fear of losing you. Of not having you in his life. It’s a similar feeling to dangling over cliff face by his fingertips.

“I’m just saying,” Jungkook announces, as reclines lazily in the air once more. “You go on dates with literally any female with a pulse... why not with the most convenient female you know?”

Jin stares in consternation at Jungkook because he is absolutely floored by the absurdity of Jungkook’s statement. Dating you would be anything but convenient. It would be the most troublesome, headache inducing investment of his life.

Suddenly, you shift once more, bringing up a hand to curl into the material of Jin’s shirt, and he allows his gaze to fix on you, on the way hair hangs in your face and your lashes rest against the apples of your cheeks. Dating you is amongst the stupidest suggestions Jungkook has ever made. Because dating you means... well, because it means risking you. Risking you seeing him differently, risking you seeing all the ugly things about his personality that you’re currently blind to... it means risking your position in his life. Because as it stands, you are already avoiding him and pulling away from him - if he were to date you and then things didn’t work out... he’d never see you again.

This is all hypothetical of course. Jin isn’t even interested in dating you. He doesn’t and probably never will see you in that way.

“Listen, Jungkook,” Jin finally says. “Maybe you got the wrong idea, but let me make it clear for you: I have never, and will never see (Y/N) in that way. She’s just someone I have a responsibility towards; nothing more, nothing less. Besides, back home I have a queue of women waiting for me- do you really think I’d settle for someone like her?”

The words sound harsh and rattle around in the air and Jin regrets them as soon as he says them. But he can’t take them back, once he’s said them, and the words are true. Or at least, they have to be true. Jungkook shrugs like he couldn’t care less, which, really, based off Jin’s knowledge of Jungkook, is probably true.

“If you say so.” Jungkook says dismissively, and Jin is saved any further answer or uncomfortable answer by you rousing slowly. You blink sleepily at Jin a few times, and he only just manages to catch you by the forehead when you go to lean your head back against him and settle back into sleep.

“Not so fast.” Jin scolds, secretly grateful for the distraction and wanting to dwell on something other than the unpleasant churning in his stomach Jungkook’s words have triggered. “No more sleeping.”

You groan and push away from Jin, ready to curl up on the forest floor.

And Jin misses the disbelieving look Jungkook shoots the two of you in his distraction. Because he can’t see what Jungkook sees in that moment, and that is the thinly veiled affection and warmth that lingers in his eyes despite the scolding that follows.

Jungkook sighs and shakes his head- Jin will figure it out eventually.

The journey after that night is supposed to go smoothly. After your chat with Jin that night, you feel that a burden has lifted from your shoulders. You never realised how something as simple as talking to Jin could clear the air. It wasn’t so much the things that were said, but just the way that you now know that Jin is no longer holding it against you. It gives you hope, that things can be normal- you can be friends once again. So as the three of you set off, you expect the journey from there to be the light-hearted, soul-searching endeavour you had set out to have.

Only, from that night Jin starts acting strange. It’s weird- you had felt so relieved and freed by your conversation, but it seems to have had the opposite effect on Jin. He is tense and cranky, always snapping at Jungkook. He’s never rude to you, at least, but he is oddly reserved. The three of you start to approach the edge of the forest- the bluish peaks of the Mountains of Delaria peak through the canopy overhead and the tree start to clear, but Jin’s mood does not seem to clear. You can’t find a cause or rational explanation for it.

Perhaps it doesn’t help that Jungkook seems to thrive on Jin’s irritation.

“I spy... with my little eye.... something starting with “T”.” Jungkook hums, right beside your ear where he is seated, cross legged on your shoulder a couple of days after that night. You spot Jin’s eye twitch slightly in the way that it does when he is really, truly annoyed. Today he has been especially on edge, and with each passing moment, Jungkook’s grin widens and Jin’s ire increases.

“Tree?” Jin suggests with gritted teeth, and Jungkook’s eyes widen.

“Wow that’s the third time you’ve guessed it on the first go!” Jungkook cries, his voice laden with admiration. You have no doubt that it isn’t a genuine admiration. Jungkook is absolutely taking advantage of the older guardian’s foul mood.

“It’s the fourth time you’ve used “tree” as your word!” The outburst comes so suddenly that you flinch and Jungkook nearly tumbles off your shoulder. You wince- you had been trying to ease the tension that hovered in the air with a simple game, but you guess after four hours, Jin’s patience has run thin. It’s better than the conversation earlier that morning, where Jungkook was talking about his favourite romcoms and Jin’s hands kept twitching like he’s just barely restraining himself from going after the irritating creature.

“That’s not true.” Jungkook argues and you know he’s pushing it purely to be contrary. “Two rounds ago the word was “twig”!”

You reach out hastily to plant a hand on Jin’s shoulder, hoping to placate him before he grabs Jungkook and launches him like a javelin across the forest floor. Jungkook would probably enjoy it, but you don’t know that he’d survive it. Jin blinks in surprise at your hand, like he’d forgotten you were there.

He then very subtly shrugs off your hand, in such a gentle manner that you almost feel like you imagined it. It’s weird- you don’t know why such a simple and meaningless gesture hurts, but it does. You quickly withdraw your hands and flex your fingers in an attempt to shake off the embarrassment.

“L-let’s try a different game!” You suggest in a desperate attempt to salvage things before Jin actually goes looking for bug spray. He glares at you for a moment, but then his expression softens just slightly. He takes a long, slow inhale and squeezes his eyes shut, and when he opens them again, his expression is calmer.

“What did you have in mind?” He asks at last.

“It’s a word association game.” You explain hastily, knowing Jin’s temper is hovering by a thread and one wrong word will launch him into a Jant. “We count to three and then say the first word to come to mind. And then we have to say a word associated with the words we just said, until we guess the same word. Ready, Jungkook and I will go first, we play this game all the time.”

You shoot Jungkook a warning glare to remind him to behave. You then inhale deeply and prepare yourself.

“Three... two... one...” you count down. “Leaf!” You cry in the same moment that Jungkook shouts “Tree!” In top volume.

You aren’t quick enough to stop Jin when he makes a furious grab for Jungkook. You’re not sure how you get Jungkook out of that situation alive, because things go a bit blurry after that. And you still don’t have an explanation for Jin’s behaviour.

And if it were just his crankiness with Jungkook, maybe you could justify it. Jungkook, after all, is very annoying. But it’s his attitude to you that really baffles you. He suddenly treats you like you have the plague- he’ll accidentally brush your hand and then suddenly scramble away until the two of you are walking a metre apart. He refuses to share the bedroll again- instead he curls up on the cold forest floor and shivers the whole night, and any attempts to get him share like that first night have him responding with such vehemence you have to stop yourself from tearing up in hurt. You wish he’d just explain.

Finally, things come to a head right at the very edge of the forest, where the three of you will finally be able to enter a village and restock supplies and pick up another bed roll. The confrontation comes in the form of Jin screeching like his life depends on it. Of course, you are instantly on your guard, searching out the danger he faces and ready to fight off any intruders alerted to your location by his scream. But you fail to locate any obvious threats to Jin, who continues to dance about wildly, still in near hysterics.

“What’s wrong?” You cry, managing to grab his shoulders and barely evading his swinging arms. Jin regards you with eyes on the verge of dislodging from their sockets, his face red with exertion and veins popping in his neck. And then his gaze drops down to his trouser leg.

Instantly, the fight leaves you when you notice the most exquisite beetle you have ever had the fortune to lay eyes upon. Gaze filled with wonder, you instantly drop to a crouch and stretch your hand towards Jin’s leg, allowing the tiny creature to disembark from the dark grey fabric onto your outstretched hands. The sight of it brings back fond memories instantly, of playing in the sunshine with Taehyung, chasing such beetles in the hopes that you could keep them as pets. The term for them was “rabjou” but Taehyung and you had dubbed them “gem bugs”, for the shimmering structures that protruded from their carapaces, catching the light and scattering it in the way that a precious diamond might. You observe the shimmering ruby carapace as the beetle makes a slow march across your index finger, before turning to Jin excitedly, momentarily forgetting his odd behaviour.

“Look Jin!” You cry, holding the beetle close to him until he nearly goes cross-eyed trying to keep it in sight. “It’s a gem bug! Like the ones we used to play with when we were kids-“

“He doesn’t look so good.” Jungkook notes suddenly, in the same moment that Jin’s eyes roll into the back of his head and he crumbles in a faint. You barely have time to catch him with one arm, holding the other aloft in an attempt to protect the gembug, and it is then that you recall why Jin is not in any of your memories of the time spent chasing these bugs.

Because he’s deathly afraid of any and all bugs.

The bug spreads it’s wings and quickly alights from its perch upon your finger, leaving you to clean up the aftermath of its presence. You stare in horror, wondering how to handle this situation, but Jin starts to rouse a few moments later, much to your relief. His eyelids flutter and his head lolls in your arms. He blinks a few moments, staring up at you with bleary, disorientated eyes. A puzzled, dopey smile curls at his lips. But then full consciousness hits and his eyes bulge with horror.

And then he’s scrambling away from you like he’s been burnt by you. You didn’t even know the crab-like scurry he does backwards out of your arms was physically possibly. His eyes are so wide and panicked that for a second you think that maybe the bug has returned. But after a quick check over of your body for any unusual flashes of red, you realise that it’s you that Jin stares at with such alarm and panic.

Something in you feels like it shrivels. Maybe it’s your heart. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact emotion. But just a few days ago, you had finally felt like things could be patched up between you and Jin, but now that he’s acting like this... maybe the gap is insurmountable. Maybe there’s just been too much damage. Maybe there’s no avoiding losing Jin from your life. You haven’t felt this hopeless since that incident in highschool all those years ago.

Jungkook lands on your shoulder and quirks an eyebrow when he notices the hurt expression on your face.

“Why do you look like that?” He asks, ignoring Jin who is busying himself with getting to his feet and brushing the dirt from his clothes.

“Like what?” You ask, quickly angling your head away.

“I dunno... like you’re constipated or something.” He observes. “Or like someone punched you in the stomach.”

You bite your lip as you gather yourself. Jin has turned away with Jungkook’s observation. You are probably pulling that face because you are upset. But there’s no use in being hurt or frustrated by Jin’s actions- you need to understand them. You’ve spent long enough sitting and moping and being miserable, and you know now that the only way the two of you are going to get through this is if you don’t let his odd behaviour slide. You square your shoulders and stare at Jin, long and hard. His shoulders have gone tense and his back is facing you- you can see the tension written into every line of his posture.

“Because I’m upset.” You announce assertively. You whirl on Jin, then. “What’s wrong with you?” You demand. Jin shoots a furtive glance at you and shoves his hands deep in his pockets.

“Nothing.” He mumbles. “It was a bug.” His gaze flicks to Jungkook, who watches him curiously. You have a feeling Jin’s not talking about the gem bug. Annoyed, you step forward and press a hand onto Jin’s shoulder, forcing him to turn and face you. He avoids your gaze though- his eyes dart around like a they’re in a pinball machine, despite your best efforts to look him in the eye.

“Jin.” You call sternly, folding your arms in what you hope is an imposing posture. Jungkook sits cross-legged on your shoulder with his ankles grasped in his hands. He looks like he’s watching an entertaining soap opera. “You need to explain. Why are you acting like this? You’re cranky with Jungkook and you’re treating me like I have the plague. Are you... are you still mad about the stuff we talked about the other night?” Your tone wavers just a little. Jin’s eyes widen and he meets your gaze. He looks so uncertain when he does so- nothing at all like the confident, clever Jin you’ve known all your life. It makes you pause. “Did... did I do something wrong?” You question and he hangs his head, scrubbing a frustrated hand over his face.

“No! Nothing like that. I’m... I’m sorry if it feels that way.” He corrects hastily. “I just...” he buries his face in his hands and the tips of his ears go red, before he raises his gaze to glare openly at Jungkook. “Jungkook made a stupid joke and I was trying to prove him wrong. I’m sorry- it was stupid of me to take it out on you.”

You blink in confusion, while Jungkook starts snickering at Jin. You pluck Jungkook off your shoulder by the back of the tiny hoodie he’s chosen to wear today so that you can stare at him. He dangles from between your thumb and forefinger.

“What’d you say?” You question suspiciously. Jungkook shrugs and grins like you’ve just gotten him a great Christmas present. He makes no effort to break free from your hold.

“Just wanted to know when the wedding is.” He says, and he still finds the joke as funny as the first time he said it. You stare blankly at him, however.

“What wedding? My mum’s?” You ask. Jungkook’s jaw drops.

“No!” He cries out, as if the idea is offensive to him. “Yours! With Jin!”

Jin has dropped his gaze and glows an interesting shade of red, and you can’t say you understand the situation.

“We aren’t getting married though?” You point out. You shoot a look at Jin and the tips of his ears are nearly purple. They only tend to go that colour when he is really, truly embarrassed, and rare are the situations where Jin is embarrassed. “Are we?”

Jin splutters in horror for a few moments.

“Absolutely not!” He blurts, the words choked and frantic. You’re taken aback by his vehemence. Is the concept really that horrifying? You shake the thought off as quickly as it comes and instead focus on the matter at hand; Jin was acting strangely because he was trying to prove he has no romantic feelings for you, it seems. Which... you already knew that. You’ve known that since you were in high school. You hate recalling that incident, but in that moment, it resurfaces despite your best efforts.

You had overheard him having a conversation with some of the other seniors in your school about how you how you have the same amount of appeal as an un-toilet trained puppy. Strictly “not girlfriend” material. It wasn’t a life-changing revelation or anything. And it’s not like you’d had feelings for him at the time. But you can’t deny that things had changed since that day. Jin had firmly been rooted in ‘strictly friends’ territory, and you’d been very, very careful to never let him out of the box he had placed himself in. And you’d done a really good job of never letting the memory bother you- after all, you’d long ago shirked the embarrassment and sadness of that day, and it annoys you that all these years later Jin is resurfacing the feelings of that time when you’re trying. so. hard. to fix things between you. You blink back the hurt tears that threaten to well in your eyes. You’re better than this- and you’ve never wanted him in that way, anyway. At least not since you’d overheard that conversation, you hadn’t.

“You could have just said something.” You mutter resentfully, and even you are surprised at the barely suppressed anger in your tone. Jin whips up his head like he’s been electrocuted. “Like I get it. I’m not girlfriend material. I’m not... I’m not trying to be your girlfriend anyway. And Jungkook’s a dummy who likes to push your buttons. You... I’ve been sitting here panicking over what I could have done wrong and it’s because I’m that gross to you that you need to prove to Jungkook of all people that you don’t like me?”

“Wait-“ Jin protests. “I didn’t mean it like that- I just-“

“It’s fine.” You cut him off and to be honest, you can’t really articulate why you’re so torn up over that. It’s not like he even did anything that bad. Just like that incident, back in highschool- he hadn’t said anything bad. He just pulls away when you touched him. He has just been making it very clear how he feels about you. But... it just feels like so much more than something simple as him not wanting to touch you. It’s not like you’re new to the idea anyway. A lot of girls in highschool and a lot of Jin’s girlfriends have always been jealous of your friendship with him and have been quick to point out the ways in which he clearly views you as a friend. And it’s not like you wanted anything more. Or well, maybe a small part of you did, but you were also smarter than that. You had better things to worry about then the fact that Jin doesn’t like you. And everything you’re doing is because you want him back as a friend. You’re not greedy. But... something still hurts. Even after all these years. Even hearing it afresh. “Just forget it. It’s not a big deal. We can just... go back to normal.”

Not that you even know what normal is with Jin at the moment. Everything is so off-kilter and you’re so confused by everything. You swallow deeply, willing the hurt feelings away.

“(Y/N),” Jin calls guiltily.

You wince- not because of the tone of his voice, however. You wince because in the next moment you feel a weird stabbing sensation in the side of your neck. Confused, you raise your hand to your neck. What you find there is an odd, feathered device, tapered to a sharp point that is currently speared into the muscle of your neck. Jin’s eyes widen as he stares as it, and you pull it from your neck. You wince as blood droplets start to flow down the side of your neck. The feathers are a brilliant red, the colour of blood, and the thin pointed tip glistens with your blood. You’ve never seen anything like it, and a weird nauseous feeling floods through you, starting at the wound in the side of your neck and flushing outwards.

“Is that...” Jungkook questions, but then Jin is interrupting him with a pained cry. He flinches violently as a feather device whistles through the air and lodges in the side of his neck. He mirrors your actions- he plucks it from his neck and scrutinises it. You don’t think he’s realised it, but he’s started to sway a bit, much like you have. The nauseous feeling worsens, and Jin has gone pale.

“I think it’s a…” Jin trails away, squinting his eyes and shaking his head as he struggles to focus on it. His voice starts to slur. “It’s a tranquiliser dart-“

The three of you exchange fearful glances and that’s really all you have time to do before your vision swims. And then everything goes black.

When you come to, you are instantly struck with the thought that there have been far too many kidnappings on this trip. You groan in pain, your head still swimming, and find that you have been restrained. Blinking open your eyes, you’re in some kind of encampment- the ground is thick and sponge-y and the houses seem to be made from woven twigs. If you had to describe it… they were almost like birds’ nests. The area is darkened- the foliage here is thicker and almost entire blocks out any light. Lanterns of blues and pinks line the path to compensate for the lack of light. On the edge of the area you see a muddy creek curling around the encampment. It’s more swamp-y than the forest you lost consciousness in.

Behind you, Jin also groans, and that’s when you realise you’ve been tied so you’re back to back with him. Neither of you can move your arms. And there’s a noticeable lack of the sound of fluttering wings. Your eyes go wide.

“Jin,” You gasp in horror. He grunts, trying to adjust his position so he’s more comfortable but he just ends up pushing you forwards. “Where’s Jungkook?”

“The pixie is here.” An unfamiliar, high-pitched voice calls. Your eyes widen at the interruption, and you turn your head to find a humanoid figure. Well, humanoid in that it stands on two legs and seems to have functioning arms. But if you were being pedantic about what living creature it resembles, you would have to say it’s more birdlike. Complete with a thick, yellow-ish beak like it’s an eagle, and brightly coloured plumage coating its entire body, apart from the white feathered head. It wears clothes- loose, airy fabrics like it’s straight out of a live-action adaptation of Aladdin, in a rich purple that compliments the bright red of its feathers. A brilliant plume of feathers sprouts from the top of its head and flows downwards like a waterfall. And held aloft in a clawed hand, protruding from the appendage that is a weird cross of an arm and a wing, is a small glass jar, with Jungkook snoozing obliviously within its depths.

“Jungkook!” You cry. Your eyes widen in horror. You immediately begin to scrabble around wildly, but with your arms pinned to your side with the coarse rope, and your back planted against Jin’s, you realise you aren’t going anywhere any time soon. You gaze around the camp, suddenly aware that this bird creature is not the only one- the sensation of being watched creeps along your skin and dozens of pairs of golden eyes peer at you, concealed safely in the shadows of the camp.

“Give him back!” You demand. Your feet stir up the soft, loamy soil you are seated upon as you kick about wildly, trying to stand, or loosen the bindings that hold you in place. Jungkook is no doubt the most annoying being in existence, but he’s also a precious friend and you couldn’t stand if anything happened to him.

“Calm down, Guardian.” The imposing, birdlike creature calls. “We will return this creature to you, eventually. We needed some leverage for you to hear out our request, for we knew we could not bind you for long.”

And it’s right- already with your frantic flailing, the ropes have started to fray and stretch. Jin does not seem to be as panicked as you, but he does remain still in a way that allows you to pull forward against the bindings, stretching them forward.

“Will you hurt him?” You demand. The bird-like creature turns sharp, hawklike eyes to the jar, peering curiously at the unconscious pixie.

“We will hurt him if you give us reason to hurt him.” It finally answers, tilting its head at you. The move is quick and fluid, like the way an owl’s head flicks around easily as it watches for prey.

“Hypothetically,” Jin cuts in quickly. “What would it take for you to deal with him without a reason from us? Just hypothetically.”

His back is to you, so he doesn’t see the way you glare, but you quickly turn your attention back to the bird-person, gazing up with imploring eyes.

“Anything. We’ll do anything- please. Don’t hurt him.” You beg. You are surprised by the ferocity of the protectiveness you now feel. The only time you have felt a similar amount of concern for him is the time he almost got eaten by a dog. The bird-creature glares down at you for a moment, still dangling the jar with Jungkook in it by the handle. It then combs its claws before the brilliant crest of feathers that flows from the top of its head and cascades down its body like a ponytail and steps forward. It crouches down low until it is eye-level with you.

“The two of you have brought the Saishtas into our territory.” It informs you. “And the Forest Spirit hates Saishtas. They are a foul, disrespectful beast and have been corrupting our swamplands.”

You cower away slightly- the sharp tip of the beak that hovers centimetres from the bridge of your nose could easily gouge out your eye and you’d be defenceless to stop it if this creature choose to do such a horrible thing. You can feel the way Jin’s back has gone rigid with tension behind you.

It straightens then, walking around the two of you to peer curiously at Jin. You crane your neck, trying to keep it in sight, but you can’t turn your head around far enough. Instead you feel Jin flinch.

“Our chief went to placate the Forest Spirit, and she has been taken captive. Luckily for us, two guardians came stumbling in our territory like it were designed by the fates.” It comes back around to face you and folds its feathered arms. The feathers flare outwards like sleeves of a baggy coat. “Rescue her, and we will return your… pixie to you.”

You glare at the creature, staring forlornly at Jungkook. It’s a dangerous request this bird is making. In theory, you could probably snap these ropes with enough exertion and make a grab for Jungkook. But you do not know why he is asleep or what measures they have put in place to ensure you can’t take Jungkook back by force. And you can’t risk his safety.

“What if we don’t want the pixie bac-“ Jin starts, but is quickly cut off by you throwing your head back to headbutt the back of his head. “Ouch! I just meant hypothetically- I was reviewing all our options before we-“

“We’ll do it.” You say hastily. “We agree to your terms. We’ll rescue your chief. Just please… don’t hurt him.”

Something in the posture of the bird-creature softens.

“Of course we get captured by Psittanurans.” Jin mutters resentfully as the creature, a Psittanuran if Jin is to be trusted, bows deeply to you. “Just our luck.”

“You have our word.” The Psittanuran informs you, ignoring Jin’s mumble. “We will not allow harm to come to the pixie, so long as you do not allow harm to come to our chief.”

It makes an odd, clicking noise, snapping its beak together and two more Psittanurans appear, wielding knives. They are in similar attire, brightly coloured, airy clothes, but all are in slightly different colours. One’s feathers are warm, an earthy brown with a deep pink plume of feathers atop the crown of its head, while the other is a midnight blue, like a peacock. They make quick work of releasing the bindings around you, and you and Jin quickly get to your feet. Jin rubs at his arms, looking quite sulky- he’s probably upset over being kidnapped yet again.

You glare at the main bird, the instigator, as it steps out towards you and reaches a clawed talon towards you. It presses the tip to your forehead, and you wince at the slight pressure.

And then your eyes widen as images flood your head- a dark cave, a bone white cliffside, their chief held captive, and Saishtas, lurking behind every corner. And the whole time, an overcast presence lurking behind every step of the journey- you can feel its churning fury, bubbling beneath the surface, and you shudder. When you open your eyes, the Psittanuran gazes down at you curiously.

“Do you understand what you must do?” It asks. Your heartbeat is in your throat and you’ve broken out in a cold sweat- you are not sure you have the strength to overcome this beast, let alone rescue the chief. Your gaze flicks to Jungkook, who has been so soundly asleep that you suspect it is actually some form of enchantment that keeps him slumbering.

Jin must sense your fear because you feel his hand slip into yours. His palms are slick with sweat, and there’s a slight shake to them. You realise then that he’s been absolutely terrified this whole time. You spare him a glance, and he meets your eyes head on.

You don’t know why, but you feel your heartbeat calm when he meets your eyes. It’s an impossible, terrifying task before you, but he’ll be beside you the whole time. That’s what the look in his eyes reassures you. No matter what happens or has happened between you, despite your fight, despite the weird state of things right now, Jin will be by your side.

You swallow deeply and nod at the Psittanuran.

“I do.” You solemnly agree, unsure what the journey ahead may bring.

But you have to save Jungkook.

#castlebangtan #thebtswritersclub #kim seokjin x reader #jin x reader #seokjin x reader #writing

81 notes · View notes

ryoryeonggu · 4 years ago

Text

Okay, I’ve just finished 13 reasons why in one day. Despite everything people else have to say, I love it ♥♥♥ I love it so much ♥♥♥ I had planned to finish it as soon as possible, but when it’s truly over, my heart’s really crushing because from now on, I have to let it go forever :( I will miss this show so much along with all the characters (even those ones I once hated so much like Bryce and Monty)

Let me talk about a few thing I love and also leave me heartbroken in this season:

First of all, Clay. Ofc, people tend to say he’s annoying, but I really love him, knowing all of his flaws and his mistakes. He’s sometimes aggressive, he’s sometimes too controlling and overreacting and has hero complex. He’s an idiot. But all I have seen is a boy who cares too much about the others and it finally breaks and destroys him. He always is the one who protects, the one taking care of others, so when of course, he also had his own problems, he had his own issues, so people tended to not likely notice that or help him like the way he helped them because he’s supposed to be strong one, and he also wanted to be strong for his friends so he rarely let it out. And don’t forget he’s having very serious mental illness (I don’t believe that’s only depression and anxiety, it could be also schizophrenia or dissociative identity disorder, since he has illusion of Hannah way before Monty and Bryce “ghosts” tortured him). And not only his friends and his family hardly recognized his issues, a lot of people in fandom kinda are ignoring it as well. Despite how he acted or what he had done was right or wrong, he had tried and done a lot of people, like not for him, a lot of people would have ended up dead or worse. Because of Clay and his courage, Tyler would have become a school shooter and suicide, the rape case of Hannah and Jessica would have remained in silence, Justin would never have found a home and been happy and had a chance to become a better person, Alex would have killed himself again out of guilt… and the most important thing, they wouldn’t been friends and stayed strong together like the ending. So, to me, Clay is still the greatest friend that no one could ever be and I adore him with all my heart. And I can see myself in him: a kid with anxiety and depression that love living with fantasies, trying so hard to be strong, to be a good person and a good friend, and thinking that I could never love anyone and no one could ever love me back.

Then Alex. My favorite of my favorite character in this show. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything good happened to him in this season. But turns out, it was even so much better that what I had been imagining. He’s still sad and depressing, he still thought low of himself and blamed himself for everything, thought he was not good enough. But he found love, and was happy. And they really make him BI! Like, I was hoping it but I never thought they would really do it. And he kissed three guys, and I ship it all lol.

About Zalex, honestly, I never really shipped it until season 4 came out. From what I saw, I believe Alex did have real feelings for Zach and this kiss really meant something, for both of them. The way Zach didn’t pull away from the kiss, the way he asked Winston that if he really was in love with Alex or what he saw in him (like a jealous idiot), the way he corrected Alex right away (in front of Alex’s BOYFRIEND lol) that that kiss wasn’t a disaster at all, his sad look watching Alex and Charlie holding hands, yeah, not mention “why are you with me but not with Charlie?”. So from all of that, I don’t think that feeling was only one-sided. But like everything else happened in Zach’s life, when his life got shit, especially when it came to love, Zach tended to be a coward and did everything to hide from his own feeling and his complicated situation. Like in this season, the way he used alcohols and casually having sex – not giving a shit about anything like the way to hide from his problems, instead of actually dealing with the problems. Like he lose Hannah because of it. And now he also lost the chance to be with Alex. I think in the end, he did realize that he had feelings with Alex too, but it was way too late. And I also believe that Alex will always love him, like the way he also love Charlie. You can love both, if you believe or not.

A lot of people say that if Alex had been there and had helped Zach like the Zach had done to him in season 2, Zalex could have been ended up with each other and had been endgame. But, no, I don’t think it will. Alex chose to be with Charlie is the best and realistic choice, because Charlie was good for him. Yeah, Zach was depressed with trauma, in the deepest ship of his life and he needed helps, ofc, but so did Alex. Don’t forget Alex in this season wasn’t in the better situation to help anyone, he murdered someone and blamed himself so much for everything was happening, and he was also really self-loathing like Zach was. So he needed someone, like Charlie, someone’s positive, confident and had healthy energy, someone who made him feel he was loved, he was taken care of, and someone would be able to remind him everyday that he’s worth being loved and deserved all the happiness in the world. Not a mirror to see how fucked up and destructive he was like Zach. All Alex’s life problems was trying to be tough, to be man up to be able to take care of and be with a girl; and with Charlie, he didn’t have to do it anymore. He was safe, he was loved, and he was happy. Alex loved Zach, but sometimes, love isn’t the answer. Sometimes you have to choose what’s good for you, so despite it wasn’t built up as deep as Zalex, the relationship between Alex and Charlie was still one of the best relationships in the show and I love it. Alex and Zach clearly was in love with each other, but they just miss the right time and now it’s only regrets. And moreover, even also in the messy shit of his own head, except the coach and sometimes Charlie, Alex was the only one who tried to help Zach and never gave up on him. In fact, those words from Alex about how he helped him and made him feel safe was one of the major effects that brought Zach back to life.

The same goes with Winston and Alex, another “what we could have been but it was too late”, they just met in the wrong time and the wrong circumstance then lost each other forever. But I do believe that their feelings was genuine, even it’s only for some short of time (at least from Winston, since he dropped his revenge which he was obsessed with the entire time all just for Alex, how sweet).

And Justin!!! OMG Justin!!! My heart really ached so much with all the scenes he’s in hospital. Not only because Clay lost a brother, another important person in his life, their group lost a very good friend, but also the most hurting part, that he could have gone to the college, he could have had a future, he could finally have had a good life, but then it was completely wrecked in one go (especially right in the moment he was finally happy and had everything that he had ever wanted). I almost cried when he said he’s scared (we should have known since the show dropped a number of time Justin kept saying he wanted to be live, how fucked up and depressing it is) and wanted Clay to hold his hand. Even Clay acting like a dick and pushing Justin away a lot, the bromance between them was still the best and the most memorable one (and now thinking about it only wanted me to punch my chest so hard and cried). Life is fucking not fair and he definitely deserves so much better.

And finally Ani. She actually grew on me in this season since the last season she annoyed me so much. I like how she finally admitted that she was wrong when he slept with Bryce and finally apologized to Jessica about it (which really made it up to the whole shitty storyline of her in the previous season). I love how Clay and her finally broke up and admitted to each other that they were not fit and weren’t ready to be in any relationship (f**k thanks god, finally, because they was never fit, like at all). And I also like the way she always got Jessica’s back and was there for her everytime (I even almost ship them with the scene Ani asked Jess to go to Prom with her, it’s so adorable ♥♥♥)

And I love Tony, I love Tyler, I love Jess... basically I love everyone ♥ ♥ ♥

Okay “my thumbs got tired”. I would probably write another essay about what I love about this series, someday, probably.

#13 reasons why #13rw #13reasonswhy #clay jensen #Alex Standall #justin foley #ani achola #winston williams #charlie st. george #zalex #alex x winston #charlie x alex #alex x charlie #winston x alex #sorry i don't know what the fuck the other ships's name so I just let it that way #zach dempsey

244 notes · View notes

icharchivist · 3 years ago

Note

hello icha!! i finally got around to finishing the stranger haha,, by which i mean i just watched it today. was veryyyy excited for it as i really like the poster design for this one. anyways. this event starting w/ the sort of portrait format or whatever / that narration is like. god. threw me right back to autumn troupe. I kind of love that the storytelling format itself is so distinct for autumn! the moment I realized it was omi I started getting teary… like oh man oh man… omi…. And the connection with him taking photos! ahh!! now that I think about it… omi kind of seems a bit like early version tsumugi, huh? also I keep forgetting this man is a college student lol. suspension of disbelief I suppose. onto the play i think like. mankai should invest in a fainting courch for tsuzuru. i also went to watch the play and 1) im betting yuki had a hell of a time costume design wise like the vines on the body? such fun costuming wise and 2) the ethical implications of whatever this play has,,, fun fun. tsuzuru was clearly having some kind of thoughts. i love zeros design and am always up for a3 characters crossdressing bc 1) i think its fun and 2) the costume design. i also dearly wish this whole thing was animated bc I feel like it’d be o fun to see taichi act as zero. or at least I hope this event gets full voiced one day... moving on to the scene where omi adds soy sauce to the paella I know it’s just like haha homare funny so lets five him a lil bit but like everyone in autumn troupe making their comments on the paella and like homare just jumping in. homare autumn troupe besties. just thinking. also the way they just r like. no no no omi it’s fine if u made a mistake!! it’s ok! we like it (you) anyways <3 it’s got it’s own special taste. something something omi’s perfectly pleasant as he is now but even if he weren’t on his a-game and was dealing with all of the biker gang stuff they would love him just as hard. another thing that got me was omi telling banri that he’ll give him something sweet so juza will stop grinding his teeth in his sleep… guys… guys you’ll give him cavities…. mb omi is a college student after all lol.

anyways when i saw the actual costumes. appreciative of them, i like the lil circuit-esque detailing on banri’s outfit, and that sakyo and taichi (nine and zero) both share that like collar detail? its very symbolic and probably also literal but its a nice way to sort of signify their relation to each other visually! also sakyo just looks nice. seeing him without glasses is so great. whoever thought up the like two mole detail for him was doing gods work.

something that confused me was ryo mistaking juza for nachi for a split second? like. does juza… look similar to nachi? or was it just that ryo only heard juzas voice and made that mistake. if it’s appearance wise too. kumon nachi confirmed. I’m joking lol bc I feel like I would’ve heard at least something abt it in one of the like small conversation comments, plus that doesnt seem like itd fit summer troupes style and kumon is for sure the wrong age… but still.

i really like how for this event, the roles for taichi and omi were kinda reversed. and taichis just so like. idk. smiley. rly lifts ur spirits. its kind of nice how this event contrasts to that cg where taichi is crying on omi. I also think like. idk. considering the story of the stranger. wolf gives zero a sense of purpose and life and I think that zero helps wolf lose his apathy. it’s about “the stranger” and the ending makes him like… not a stranger, right? because he’s got a companion. in the same way, taichi brings omi out of his emotional isolation. the picture taking! also the stickers coming back… thats such a good setup! the found family of it all!!

when he was trying to work out zeros character as soon as taichi mentioned a sharp speaking style I KNEW it was Yuki… yuki would never be as honest as zero is though lol… to me i imagine she’s got a sort of juza internal monologue feel? anyways. the taichi yuki dynamic intrigues me. havent yet decided how I feel abt it but when I do… yes. sorry that I make literally no sense. I think it’s very obvious that yuki is my fav chara kind of? I’m just. hmmm it makes me think! I’ve been monologuing to myself abt the yuki and juza dynamic lately which, to my a3 knowledge so far, doesn’t exist, but its ok bc I’ll make it exist! uhhh anyways this event was very good i liked the pacing. i think it didnt drag too hard and it really properly honed in on just omi and taichi, which was quite nice. they really did a lot for just an event!

time to listen to the event song,,, ok so. ah. i rly enjoyed just for myself it was very much to my taste so. out of curiousity i was like ok lemme look up the composer / producer AND IT WAS YUYOYUPPE....... that guy is like!!!! one of my FAV producers ever!!!!!! i know him from like. his vocaloid days and god leia is still one of my fav songs to this day...! this knowledge gives me so much joy omg!!! like wow!! wowwww!!! like i knew yuyoyuppe was out there doing other stuff (i know he worked on a lot of babymetal music which is cool) but like idk. to suddenly encounter it like this. heheh.... its so nice! made me soooo happy. going to relisten to leia now haha

WAIT ONE MORE THING. i was like "haha let me look at other songs i remember liking a lot" which. for me was rakuen oasis and don't cry. anyways. rakuen oasis is ALSO by yuyoyuppe???? oh my god!!! oh my god... sigh. feel like im in heaven.

OH HI FRIEND!! so good to see you with an a3 update!! :D

godd yeah The Stranger started so strongly and the idea to still incorporate portraits in his story was really something to make us cry!

And linking Omi and Tsumugi like this is pretty interesting :O <hat is your reasoning exactly? :O

For the fainting couch for Tsuzuru LMAO and i'm letting you know there's a webcomics that addresses it in Act 2 (hough there's no spoilers aside from the fact Chikage is here)

Im glad you liked the costume and the play!!! yeah i love the designs and it is always a blast to see them this into it, and yeaaah Tsuzuru has thoughts huh. It'll get voiced sooner than later hopefully and there we'll see more in details :3c but also that's what made the seiyuu live so fun bc they perform the songs in play cosplay and replay a bit of the play everytime and it's *chief kiss*

HOMARE AUTUMN TROUPE SOLIDARITY YES. LOVING IT.

And yeah the scene itself was so cute TwT they all want to reassure Omi and be there for him it's so sweet :( but yeah i love how you say it all, Omiimi TwT

and dLKFJDFLKJFDFD Giving Juza cavities is the price to pay for sleep i guess??

yeah agreed on the costume they all look so cool! and nice catch on how those three seem linked like that with their costumes, Yuki (and the designers) does such a good job! and god yeah for Sakyo.. yeah. He has sucha good design dLKJFDF

aND DLKFJD yeah no Juza is supposed to look like Nachi physically, but mostly his face? like i think Nachi was had green hair? we see a sprite of him in a future story, and yeah, everything is in the eyebrows. so Kumon should be safe? Omi mentions he sees a lot of Nachi in Juza, and while it is mostly due to their passions i think, the fact they're also rough looking guy with a heart of gold must play a part as well. but yeah, he does look like Nachi a bit.

and i love your deeper analysis of the event yeah!!

I feel like Taichi is really an emotional core of the troupe in the sense that is, he tends to catch on what others are feelings easily. And he uses it in the early chapters to ease off the tensions and stuff, but he was being held back by knowing he was deceiving them. So now that he's more free, he can be more of himself. but yeah i also love the contrast with how Omi was the one to help Taichi through his breakdown and guilt, and now it's the other way around, it's Taichi helping him through it. and the parallelism between the play and their dynamic is spot on imo! well said!!

and god yeah the sticker things made me cry sO HARD, and the pictures! and everything!! sobs it's such a sweet found family i'm going to cry :(

And! i love what you say about Yuki, Taichi and Juza on this one. I love that Taichi keeps bringing it back to "that childhood friend" and it's always like. so obvious who it is for us rip. But it can make you wonder if Yuki was more honest as a kiddo when Taichi knew him, though now he's clearly not. I love the mention of how Zero is more like Juza's internal speech (which, if anything is another argument about why you should let Juza wear a dress, cOWARD)

but also your mention of the Yuki and Juza thing, while i can't think of them having a dynamic per se yet, but i actually wrote a post during my reread about how i was baffled at the fact they treated Muku the same way?? like both of them tried to push Muku away because they were scared of how people would react if they say pure, sweet Muku was associated to them. And i find it fascinating because i guess those two are pretty aware of how the world see them, and it used to stop them from fully allowing them to be themselves.

I also find it relevant with the fact Yuki says in his personal song that while all of this way people judge him weight on him, he rather be himself, and "I want to love myself". Meanwhile we have Juza who's also aware of the way people judge him and it weight on him, and he wants to change himself from this person he hates, this self loathing - and in a way, he can grow in a way to be "someone" he may not hate, even on stage. I feel like those two have quite a bit in common in this way of being rejected by their peers in some sort of way.

I really want them to share some stuff at some point because there's really a groundwork on it all :(

But i'm really glad you liked that event!! agreed on the pacing and i do love what it brings to the characters! it really fleshes them out and have them move forward a little and it's pretty sweet.

AND OMG THAT'S SO COOL FOR THE SONG!! i'm so glad you liked it, but that's incredible it turned out to be from one of your fav producer!!! ahah sometimes life is like that where you end up finding the stuff you loved back into new stuff! and the fact Rakuen Oasis was from him as well... that's so cool!!! just, so so cool!

im pretty sure he has more songs going forward so i hope you'll enjoy the ride even more!!

thank you once again for sharing your thoughts about a3 :3c it always makes me so happy to see them!!!

Thank youu <3 have a good day :3c

#ichareply #ichafantalks a3 #sonnets of beauty #long post for ts

4 notes · View notes

cielpansyhive · 4 years ago

Note

sir if you ever need to, feel free to gush all you want about trans keith to me because that’s everything i need rn😳

Omg thank you! 💖 I feel he's another relatable trans boy (Even if it isn't canon, but when has that stopped me before). Pls excuse typos, I've had a 5 day migraine.

So my headcanons that somewhat follow the canon timeline:

He never told his dad he was trans. He loved his dad so much and was afraid he wouldn't be accepted. (He would have been though.) So he was okay with being a 'tomboy' for the time being if that meant his father would stay.

After his father passed away he decided if the only person he had around him consistantly was himself, he was going to be the most authetic version of himself.

He named himself after his dad, so he's a jr.

He would start fights with other boys to prove how tough he was. He really wasn't as hot-headed as he seemed, just certain boys would push his buttons with their rude comments. He was picked on for being so tiny, an orphan, ect.

His foster families were neglectful. They never knew where he was and didn't care. He couldn't go to them for anything. So he did what he could to transition. For years Keith would bind with ace bandages, not knowing any better.

One day while attending The Garrison he ends up damaging his ribs while binding and he reluctantly tells Shiro. He knows pain this sharp can't be good. Shiro is like 'nope, we're getting you a proper binder.' After that Keith knows he has finally found support.

Keith isn't afraid of most things, but he loathes doctors and hospitals. Shiro understands this, he is anxious around them as well, but he makes sure to go with Keith to every appointment. Doesn't matter if it's a check up, blood work, consult, ect. Shiro is there and holding Keith's hand.

One thing Keith hates more than doctors? Needles. What form of T was he prescribed? Of course it would be injections, it was the only form that was covered. Once he actually worked for The Garrison they would be willing to pay for gel or patches. But as a student he had minimal coverage. He's so nervous for his first injection he makes Shiro give him the shot. Gradually Keith starts injecting himself as weeks go by. Eventually Shiro doesn't have to do them for him at all.

Keith is able to get top surgery before Shiro leaves for his mission. He takes care of Keith as he heals and makes Keith promise to take care of himself when he's in space.

Keith falls into depression hard when Shiro is pressumed dead. He drops out of The Garrison, stops seeing doctors, gets T either on the street or steals it when he can.

Things get complicated once Shiro returns and everyone ends up lost in space. Keith is happy to have Shiro back and has come to realize he might have developed romantic feelings for him at some point.

Keith and Lance fight a lot for the simple reason that Keith feels threatened and jealous. Lance is similar to him in many ways, but different enough, more male, it pulls at his insecurities. Makes him feel like he's not enough for anyone...especially not Shiro. His anger stems more from self-hatred than anything to do with Lance personally. (Spoiler: When Shiro disappears and they are down a paladin, Keith feels like he is losing his mind. He needs to talk to someone, but Shiro isn't there. He means to go to Hunk, he knows he has a kind heart and has grown closer to him. But he's going to collapse in tears and choke on the bile rising in his throat. He bangs on the nearest door, which happens to be Lance's. He pours his heart out to him, tells him every thing, his dad, the orphanage, his transition, Shiro, his crush on Shiro, how he isn't fit to be the black lion's paladin. After that things change a lot. Lance teases him, but not on things he's insecure about. When Shiro comes back Lance actually tries to play matchmaker. Keith doesn't snap near as much at Lance and when he does he later apologizes.)

Keith goes to Pidge and asks if they can make a synthetic version of T from anything. It takes multiple stops at various planets but Pidge is able to make a patch for Keith to wear and it's far more effective than any earth version.

As time in space passes Shiro finds himself returning feelings for Keith. What might have once been brotherly love has grown.

(Spoiler: When Keith finds his mom she is stunned at first. Keith looks so much like his father just a petite, younger version. She sees the blade and it clicks instantly. Keith is her child, her son. She never brings up that she was expecting to see a daughter she just accepts.)

#not kuro #pansy answers #trans Keith is canon in my mind #I do still write him binding in some fics #the armor helps to conceal his chest #I hc Pidge as non binary #Lance is bi #shiro/keith #basically what's running through my head as I watch Voltron

11 notes · View notes

bernadineisreborn · 5 years ago

Text

Reality VI

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Author’s note: Omg so I’m working things for this out and I think its gonna be like…. LONG. The different parts are definitely going to be longer. In the beginning (like September? July??? idk) they were around 1000, but I see them being closer to 2000/3000 each now. Again, I hope you all enjoy and please please please let me know what you think. To those that have been reblogging or commenting on things related to this series, I see you and I love you. –Bernadine

Warnings: swearing, characters not acting like themselves???? (idk I did my best), mention of scars on hands/wrists (though not related to self-harm)

Word count: 2525 :)

Series Masterlist

Marcus Redware woke with a start. He had only been sleeping for a few hours. Sleep had been coming to him in small fits lately, always inconsistent, always less than he needed.

This, he thought, is the effect of prolonged stress on the body.

Marcus was highly logical, so it helped him to think about his problems in logical terms. If he could somehow manage to be less stressed, he would be able to sleep.

He got out of bed, not taking the time to tuck the royal blue covers of his bed under the mattress edges as he normally would. He dressed quietly, not wanting to wake the other four Ravenclaws in the room. Four Ravenclaws that, he realized with a twinge of jealousy, were leading completely normal teenage lives and sleeping soundly.

It was November, and out from under the puffy Hogwarts comforter, Marcus was chilly. He changed quickly into blue and bronze robes, and hurried down the stairs.

It was barely 4 am, so the magical hallways of Hogwarts were deserted. Only people with something to hide were awake and about at this hour.

Pansy Parkinson was waiting at the double doors that led out of the Entrance Hall. She was tapping her foot impatiently, but her eyes were darting around in apparent nerves. Marcus approached her, and she rolled her eyes, “Finally. For Merlin’s sake, Redware.”

Marcus sneered, “Sorry, Parkinson, I had actually managed to get an hour of sleep and wasn’t particularly looking forward to getting up to meet you, knowing you’d be in such a cheerful state.”

Pansy shot him a rather sarcastic expression of sympathy.

The pair walked out into the crisp fall air in silence, a silence that was surprisingly comfortable for two people that seemed to have nothing in common.

“I’m worried about Y/N finding out, Pansy,” mumbled Marcus, he squeezed his eyes shut tight, “She’s my best friend, I can’t hide this from her. I’m jumpy around her, and she’s incredibly observant.”

Pansy pursed her lips, “Well, Marcus, you haven’t got much of a choice, do you? Anyway, I thought she wasn’t speaking to you,” her dark eyes flickered back and forth between Marcus’, and she softened, “Look, I don’t love this either. We haven’t really decided it for ourselves, no, but it’s not as bad as it could be. We could hate each other and not get on at all,” she raised her manicured hand to rest on Marcus’ shoulder, “Let’s make the best of it, yeah?”

Marcus sighed, raised his hand to sit on top of Pansy’s, and flashed her a small smile, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Pansy smiled in return. Their hands rested comfortably on each other’s for a minute, displaying twin sets of thin, faded, crisscrossing scars winding around their knuckles and wrists.

If anyone had seen the interaction, they might have thought they were witnessing Polyjuice Potion in acting, the pair were acting so out of character.

Pansy and Marcus weren’t the only people with something to hide, of course. Draco Malfoy was on the seventh floor, emerging from a disappearing door across from a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. His platinum hair was tousled in a way that bordered on sloppy and his grey eyes were so heavy that they were half shut. He looked disheveled in a way that he would usually care to fix, if his priorities weren’t focused so strictly elsewhere.

While he had been spending a lot of time out past curfew this year, the amount had increased when he’d gotten himself detention. You and Draco had spent the last three nights in the small closet similarly to the first night: working in silence, you trying to make occasional conversation, hating the tediousness of your assigned task.

Draco could tell you were still curious about the box, he’d caught you eyeing him suspiciously from across the room during more than one Potions class, though you hadn’t asked him about it anymore, for which Draco was grateful. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought your hesitant glances and awkward attempts at conversation meant you fancied him.

As far as Draco was concerned, you already knew far too much about him. He had somehow managed to allow you to catch him crying, a situation that had been embarrassing to Draco for more reasons than one. Though you were mostly a nuisance, he had not liked that an intelligent, rather good-looking girl had seen him in such a state.

Draco entered the elegant Slytherin common room and slunk up the stairs to the dorm he shared with Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini, and Nott, trying desperately not to wake them as he slid under the silk sheets of his four-poster bed.

He didn’t have the time or luxury to change into pajamas.

---

At breakfast that morning, you sat across from Sue and Mandy, updating them on the events of last night’s detention, during which Draco had pointedly ignored your every attempt to speak to him, “Neither of us want to be there. But Merlin, I think he hates me,” you said, the thought crinkling your brow.

You weren’t sure how you felt about Draco. You had seen him crying, out of bed past curfew. He had been rude to you. He had threatened you. A normal person might have been scared off, but you were left rather intrigued.

Sue smiled sympathetically, “I’m sure that’s not the case, Y/N. He probably just loathes being in detention, and your being there, trying to get him to tell you all his secrets, isn’t making it any better.”

You laughed, “Yeah, I hope you’re right. Thanks, Sue.”

“I’ll lend my opinion anytime, Y/N!” Sue said, and you felt a rush of gratitude for the distraction they’d so willingly providing you since things had shifted between you and Marcus.

After breakfast, you make your way to Potions, not bothering to wait for Marcus, who hadn’t shown to classes at all since your argument. Every day you waited in anxiety for him to show, and every day your worry grew when he didn’t.

So, you were more than surprised when he walked into Slughorn’s classroom and sat next to you as if things were completely normal.

There was an awkward silence between you, as you did your best to ignore his presence and he settled in for class. You were more relieved that you would admit to see him attending classes again.

When he spoke, there was a tentative smile on his face, “I figured I couldn’t skip class anymore without everyone getting suspicious.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, making a point to scoot your chair away from his. The relief you had felt before was quickly being replaced with annoyance.

He sighed, “Y/N, come on. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. Really, I don’t deserve your friendship, and I am just going through something right now and–”

You cut him off with a sharp glare, “You’re right. You don’t deserve it. I’m glad you’ve found Parkinson, she’s clearly more suited to you than I am.”

Marcus’ expression pinched in hurt, “Are you ever going to forgive me?”

You considered him, “Are you ready to tell me what’s going on with you?”

He looked away, “No. I can’t, Y/N.”

“Well, if you can’t trust me, a friend you’ve known since birth, might I add, over Pansy, Merlin knows what kind of relationship you’ve formed with her, I’m not sure I want to know anyway,” you turned to face the front of the classroom, where Slughorn was standing, trying to get the class’s attention, and held your chin up.

---

When classes were done for the day, you having spent a few of them avoiding Marcus’ attempt at reconciliation, you made your way to the North Tower to speak to Professor Trelawney.

You hadn’t taken Divination this year, your rigorous schedule having no room for it, but you had enjoyed it quite a bit during 5th year. Professors generally liked you, and Trelawney was not an exception.

When you clambered through the trap door, you were immediately met with heavily perfumed air, scented like incense and burning herbs.

Trelawney was inside, sitting on a plush-looking floor pillow, and drinking from a bottle holding a brown liquid.

“Hello, Professor Trelawney,” you called.

She looked up immediately, she didn’t seem to be doing anything important, but you felt a little guilty for interrupting her free time.

Her eyes widened at the sight of you, “Y/N, child, it’s been too long,” she rushed to your side, draping a blanket over you, though you weren’t the least bit cold, and ushered you to sit on another burgundy floor pillow, “You have come to me because you are in dire need of help,” she stated, as if this was something she had predicted.

“Well, yes, I have,” you shifted in your seat, “I’ve been having some rather…strange dreams.”

She nodded, “Go on, dear.”

“It’s just one recurring dream, really. There’s a rabbit, and I think it’s meant to be me because it always has my eyes. There’s also a snake and a hawk, and they dive for the rabbit, as if…well, I’m not sure what. I never get to see what happens. I always wake up before I can.”

Her eyes widened further, and you briefly wondered how long she had been sitting there drinking before you came in, “Oneiromancy is a complicated field of study. The things I taught you last year for the O.W.L.s just barely scratched at the surface, my dear,” she poured two cups of tea with a shaking hand, “It is smart to conclude that the rabbit is you. Dreams often come to us when we are in grave danger, when the universe wants to send us a sign. The snake, as I’m sure you’ve realized, is a symbol commonly associated with Salazar Slytherin,” she peered at you over her thick glasses, “Do you know any Slytherins on a personal level?”

You briefly thought of Malfoy, taking a sip from your tea, “Not really.”

“Hmm…” she eyed you suspiciously, “Well then, it is likely that the snake is meant to symbolize renewal, rebirth, or healing. As far as the hawk goes, the symbols vary. Some agree it is a warning to trust your intuition, others say it symbolizes impeding war,” she began to mumble, “Quite an accurate prediction, that would be.”

The room was silent for a few minutes as Trelawney sat beside you, either deep in thought or completely zoned out.

You cleared your throat, “So, what do you think, then? What does it mean?”

Trelawney jolted, “Oh, yes. I could guess at what the dreams are trying to tell you, but the only ones who can really know our dreams, child, is our own selves. It is impossible for me to know, as I do not have your subconscious.” She stood up suddenly, and disappeared behind the door that led to her office.

A minute or so later, she returned, looking somehow more frazzled than before, and handed you a book that read, The Dream Oracle’s Sequel: More Dreams, More Divination, by Inigo Imago. You took it gratefully from her hand.

“This is one of the books I recommend my N.E.W.T. level students read to prepare for their exam. I think you might benefit from reading it,” With this, she helped you off the floor and began pushing you to the trap door, “Please, my dear, be careful out there, you never know what people intend at times like these.”

Just as you were about to step through the trap door, she halted, “You don’t have any relation to Bethan L/N, do you?”

“Not that I know of, Professor.”

She nodded, accepting this information, “Talent for the Art of Divination, as you know, often runs in families. Bethan was a rather accomplished student I had during my first year of teaching. Talented girl. A shame, I think, what happened to her,” Trelawney once again stared at you in a blank sort of way, as if she was somehow seeing the wall behind you through your head, “I’ll see you soon, darling. Careful on the stairs!”

You were soon on the stairs back to your common room, feeling immense regret at your decision to visit Trelawney, and rather tired from the dreamy perfumes in the attic-like classroom.

By time you reached the Ravenclaw Common Room, you were in desperate need of a nap. Thankfully, Sue and Mandy were absent along with your other dormmates; the room was peacefully silent.

They’re probably at dinner, you think with a tinge of jealousy as you lay down, most people are dealing with normal things, like homework…

…Rabbit. Snake. Hawk. NO!

There was pressure on your shoulder, and it was shaking gently, “Y/N? Y/N!”

You blinked awake, a bit confused. Sue and Mandy were standing by your bed, wearing concerned expressions.

Mandy pressed against your shoulder again, “Y/N, it’s past dinner. Shouldn’t you be in detention?”

Fuck.

Yes, you should have been in detention. You were about an hour late by time you actually arrived. Slughorn, luckily, was not waiting around to make sure you attended.

Draco, however, had started organizing his half of the closet, presumably a while ago.

He looked up when you rushed in, and you made brief eye contact with him before diverting your eyes and starting to work on your shelf.

You had been standing there in silence for a few minutes, and you realized that you were pushing the glass vials around without any thought to what you were doing.

One of the glass vials was big enough that you could see your reflection, which looked every bit as if you had just woken up from a month-long coma. The reflection blurred as your eyes swelled and stung with building pressure.

The argument with Marcus was obviously affecting you more than you had realized.

“Trouble in paradise?” questioned Draco.

You turned to face him, a little amazed that he was initiating conversation, a little weary of being teased, “What do you mean?”

He noted your forming tears, but his expression remained impressively neutral, “You and Redware.”

“It’s not– Marcus and I aren’t dating,” you said, crossing your arms.

He rolled his eyes, “Fine. But there’s trouble, is there not?”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Why do you care?”

“I don’t. You’re organizing your vials poorly, and I can’t afford to spend more time in detention because you’re being sloppy.”

That stung.

“Piss off, Malfoy,” you turned back around, wanting to hide the tears that you were sure would start pouring soon.

After a minute, you heard Draco sigh, “Pansy’s told me that Redware mentioned something about it.”

“Brilliant. Literally everyone knows more about Marcus than I do.”

Slughorn appeared then, apparently unaware of the tension in the small room, “Alright, Miss L/N, Mr. Malfoy, you can return to your common rooms now. Thank you.”

Due to the unintentional length of your nap, you hadn’t been there very long, but you did not hesitate to dismiss yourself and rush from the room.

---

Tag List (let me know if you want to be added): @drawlfoy @buckys-hoeee @silversslytherin @acciodracoo @afootnoteinyourhappiness @a-hopeless-fan @ilkaeliseb @accio-rogers

72 notes · View notes