#and obviously you should just strive to have an understanding of what's potentially happening in your state/county/country

[emometalhead]

Family bonding activity time!! (We read through the propositions on the ballot and talked through our understanding of each one.)

[nutley-rp]

personal

TOWER was momentous, fulfilling, and incredible fun. There are so many moments I’ll carry forward with me, times when the others and I collectively got swept up with insanity, and I’ll miss it! The highs (and almost all of it were highs) were unbelievable, and I think that’s why I’m feeling kind of weird now because I also know it wasn’t sustainable. I have to change things, but what can replace something so incredible?

I look back at my routine for the past...8 months of TOWER and I see a paper trail of unbridled creativity, execution, and achievement. I’m happy with my delivery even AS I knowingly burned past my limit and pushed to ensure the finale would live up to the weeks and weeks of build up.

It’s over. I’m proud of it. But now, I’m exhausted and I have to fill all this freed up time with less rp, unless I want to go mad.

From TOWER and from my past endeavors, I see how inspiration has been passed on to others. I try to focus on that and keep myself from getting caught in negative spirals. I think there are multiple factors at play for my funk right now...the end of TOWER obviously, but also the end of my ‘honeymoon’ phase of living alone. Roughly a year has passed since the last major change in my life and everything new has become a routine. I’m someone who can start things but once it becomes a certain way, it can become overgrown...and that’s what I’m sensing. Things in my life are overgrown and I have to prune back, change, live in a more balanced way.

I just want to get this out of my head. If friends are reading this, then know that this isn’t a specific jab at you or whatever, nor is it a call for things to change on your side. If behavior radically changed after posting this, that’s even more gut dropping...the most I want you to take out of this is understanding and potentially forgiveness for my terrible memory. If I’m less intense, if I make a mistake now, then remember that the way I was during TOWER was me at like, 500% focus, which I can’t sustain.

It’s kind of funny that TOWER’s central theme is about flying too close to the sun and living with the consequences, given what’s happening to me now.

I need to take things easy, and it’s not just a “go on vacation and come back refreshed” easy. It may take months and it may never come back. But I want to safeguard the love and passion I have for rp; I don’t want it to turn into resentment. Please be patient and please understand if I need to drop things or even drop off the face of rp communities for a time. If I do go, I really don’t expect space to be left for me forever! If there is when I return, know that I appreciate it, but I really just want you to continue to have fun while I feel things out on my end.

There are a lot of things. I’m nearing 30, I’m feeling like I didn’t do a lot of things soon enough, I’m content but thinking I should strive for more. I’m shy and generally quite isolated, happy with that, but also wondering if that should try to change too. Friends are moving on, moving out and...these are just things in my life. Rp will remain a part of it, but it can’t consume me the way it did during TOWER. I have to figure things out.

[dannyphantom-justiceleauge]

This may be a minor gripe but something that has kind of bothered me about discussions and depictions of Dan is how often people seem to forget that Dan isn't just an older evil Danny, he's a combination of Danny and Vlad's ghost sides. Like people always talk about him like Danny threw away his humanity and turned evil but that's not even true. Sure, we can say that Dan is the result of Danny's action but that's a little unfair. (1/2)

(2/2) Him cheating on a test, coincidentally putting his loved one's in a position where they could be killed, is absolutely not his fault. Letting Vlad take away his ghost powers with a strange contraption might not have been the smartest move, but we are talking about a grieving CHILD here, of course he isn't going to make the best decisions. If anything Vlad's the one to blame here, and even then, it's not like he could predict what happened

---

you aren't wrong, my friend. it really isn't entirely danny's fault and the whole 'if you cheat on a test, you'll loose everything you love' moral is confused at best. i think as fandom we find it more interesting to look at danny's potential evil and moral struggle with himself. so simplifying it to be dan is a worse case scenario of danny makes the conflict less abstract.

particularly because when it comes to self blame danny isn't going to go easy on himself just because it was excusable mistakes.

i think another talking point should be how danny is the target of the time assassination more than vlad is, even though vlad is part of the evil whole. you could argue that danny is the catalyst of his friends death and vlad inventing the claw things. but vlad invented the claw things. maybe because his human side survived and acted relatively harmless from then on? or maybe it's because the observants based on the available evidence recognized danny as more of a threat. i think that fits actually, for all vlad tried to be an evil mastermind, his achievements outside of terrorizing a teenager and theft isn't particularly impressive. danny was the one who got shit done. all his fights he finished one way or another and i could see how that would bleed into dan defeating everyone.

the real question is how to we fix this. ideally we could shape this idea so it's less confused, though i do honestly find the dynamic of half danny, half vlad interesting. if for not other reason. than two half ghosts make a whole. actually that's something else to be said about dan. his self-loathing is what led him to killing his human half, another negative aspect coming from danny.

i wonder if we could frame it like fusion, from su. obviously dan isn't stable or healthy, or based on love. he's most comparable to malichite. but with less internal debate. dan took the best and worst of both of them. danny's determination, danny's fighting ability, danny's anger, danny's sarcasm, vlad's anger, vlads lack of morals, vlads schemes, vlad's control. heck, vlads desire to rule the world. i don't think we ever got that from danny.

maybe if vlad was more involved in the fight with dan it could have been used as an opportunity to compare and contrast their characters. to go we're not so different you and i. danny gets to recognize that he has that dark potential. vlad gets to be humbled by the fact that what he wants isn't good for anyone, especially himself. and to be fair, we do see some of that humbling with future vlad, but none of that character growth is given to present vlad, so, really it's just another vehicle for danny angst. it also depends on what you want to do with vlad though. he's a fascinating character and could be given redemption under the right circumstances or be a character who has the opportunity for redemption but chooses not to be redeemed every time.

that fits him and makes him both a more pathetic and despicable villain. it's hard to pity someone who ignores the opportunities to heal and grow.

as for danny, he becomes far more aware of the consequences his actions, especially his selfish and cruel ones can have. because that potential was always there. he has a history of abusing his powers. perhaps for this specific incident him abusing his powers can be something less understandable than almost cheating on a test that he couldn't study for through no fault of his own. (maybe i just have flexible morals?). maybe it could be something more character relevant, like he did something particularly vlad like, maybe he set up a prank at the nasty burger to get dash but it set off the explosion that killed his family. or maybe he did something particularly cruel and manipulative. there are better catalysts than a test. either way he recognized that he should never go that far again and strive to avoid being actively cruel.

he also has the opportunity to recognize that vlad does have a human half, even the one he's fighting everyday. he can face some conflict in it's not entirely clear what trait belongs to vlad and what trait belongs to him. he can empathize with vlad and he can recognize that situations aren't always in black in white. those who fly the highest, fall the hardest, after all.

it can be a growing experience. and while making it solely a danny goes bad and learns not to do evil kind of story. maybe we could cut vlad from the equation and just have danny face himself, full evil refection. i think exploring both vlad and danny through this fusion is far more interesting. especially because we can build on what's revealed about vlad in these episodes, in later ones. danny sees a future where vlad chills and that maybe his vlad could get their. later he see vlads past and what he lost to become who he is.

and then there's vlads turning point episodes. i don't know when motherly instinct took place but maddie fully recognizing he's a bastard and rejection him, was a turning point for his sanity, and danny helped it along. then we have danny rejecting him repeatedly, then we the clone episode, which we can all agree was a desperate move on his part, that danny once again thwarted. and we can all agree that this was the cannon turning point for his character where he stopped fighting for a family and started trying to be danny's villain. in that episode, i think danny could potentially pity vlad enough to try and reach out. he's not going to justify what vlad did and he's not going to apologize for stopping him. he went too far. he hurt danny and dani, he crossed a moral line that can't be justified even with his desperation. but if he changes...

he lost this time but if he changes, maybe they'll reach the point where they're ready to accept him.

i think the same thing could be said about his relationship with jack and maddie. if he changes, if he reaches out. if acts like less of a crazy fruitloop, his friends would be there for him. jack is still trying to be there for him, even if he's being oblivious about vlad's faults. vlads the one driving wedges into his relationships and pushing everyone away.

and that's so freaking human and understandable.it would be such a cool thing to explore with his character.

i could also see a potential arc where after valerie finds out vlad and masters are the same person she tries to get close to him, both to sus out how evil he is and to understand him as a halfa. afterall danny got her to acknowledge dani as human enough, the same would apply to vlad/plasmius, right? only he's a bad person and the more she uncovers about vlad masters the man, the more she realizes it's not the ghost half that's evil. but this is a double edged sword because, vlad is getting attached to her and encouraging her to be more evil. he's encouraging her to go darker and darker in her fight against ghosts and her fight specifically against phantom. to the point where she finally draws the line and says, i'm not doing that! boom exploring the moral ambiguity of her character and getting her to take a hard stance on her morals, because there's a line too far for her.

and boom a further breakdown of vlads character because he finally had someone outside the fentons to redeem him. she could have helped pull him out of the hole he'd been digging himself into. she wanted to help him. he got attached to her, but he and his bad decisions decided to dig himself deeper instead. so once again he's 'abandoned and betrayed'.

from that point, i think it'd be time for him to finally face jack head on. not through manipulative schemes. not through veiled threats and insults. but the full confrontation of 'i always hated you. you ruined my life. you're the reason i lost everything'. which is really just his own self loathing speaking. and jack... empathetic jack can see that vlad desperately wants help. and jack would offer it to him. jack would try to hug it out and apologize and give vlad the love and friendship vlad's been fighting to steal this whole time.

and vlad would reject it.

he'd probably lash out a jack and go into a full breakdown/world destroying attack. could finally put the stolen crown to use and try declaring himself king and embracing his megalomaniac thing and actually be a threat this time. and THAT would be our series finally. everyone teaming up to fight 'king vlad'. danny probably finding out that he's technically king because he beat pariah dark but the matter being a bit confused because he had help. val and danny trying to find the ring of rage or at least find someone who can make one. secrets are out. i imagine vlad, upon revealing himself to jack would out danny to make danny as sad and alone as him. except nope, his family still loves him and val has had the character development to come around to him. (she's still gonna punch danny for lying for so long.) the ghosts will come and help because no one wants another tyrannical kind and vlads obviously off his rocker.

ah, the could have beens

anyway, i didn't mean for this to become a full vlad character analysis and rewrite when we were supposed to be talking about dan, but hey, i'm a simple creature. i like good writing, and i have to rewrite things myself, so be it. - Hestia

[farshores]

So. Paarthurnax

Heads up this is really just me rambling my thoughts as best i can lol

The grandpa dragon, mr.mario, the big guy behind the dilemma quest that isnt really handled all that well.

I feel like his attachment/appreciation of mortals isn’t all that great in the grand scheme of things. Not to say this is a bad thing though! Paarthurnax is old, really old, he’s lived through so much - so his perspective on mortals/humanity/etc. would be much different compared to someone part of that group. Where one might see loss & war harrowing, Paarthurnax would see it as just the way mortals are. Not to say he doesn’t feel or grieve, he expressed joy in being able to converse with the LDB, & later, other dragons; he grieved over Alduin’s death, because despite everything, that was his brother. But I feel like the intensity of this vs his feelings of joorre are different, ‘Nax isn’t going to feel for ever mortal war - if anything he might accept this is their fate to burn themselves to the ground. He might attach to the LDB or other mortals he personally taught, but understands their lifespans are but a blip compared to his. Hell, being up on that mountain for so long, he’s most likely extremely disconnected to anything in general - focusing on the Way of the Voice rather than current events.

I feel like this would conflict with LDBs more passionate about what is going on, like Tei. To shrug off this conflict & sit idly by because “it’s how things are” would potentially be seen as horrible, or even disrespectful, to them - despite Nax not meaning it in a cruel way. Sure, you can strive for peace, but is being completely neutral/passive as cruelty goes on truly the way? Hell, in Tei’s case - when they came to him for aid in the CW - they see it as cowardly, first you just sit there as Alduin returns & now you can’t put in a little effort to end this war as quickly as possible? Because of your meditation routine? (Obviously this isn’t a shared view of every LDB out there, just Tei’s lol)

But you also gotta consider he was Alduin’s former second-in-command. And now one of two powerful beings come Alduin’s demise at the LDBs hands - something that would make certain factions wary despite his ways to atone. The Blades paranoia of Paarthurnax is well-founded, even if the game didn’t address it all that well lol. We truly don’t know if he would keep up with his teachings; it was a god’s will to have him assist in the rebellion against Alduin, but who’s to say he’s still under that pressure anymore? Who’s to say he isn’t biding his time? Can you truly go off his word? That’s the dilemma here & truly one only the LDB can solve, be it passively or violently.

And going back to the power bit, who’s to say the LDB isn’t going to be seen as a threat that needs responding to? Well......Okay, personally I feel like Nax doesn’t mind the idea of two thur. He’s very much open to it & think it provides an opportunity to spread the WotV or potentially set up the LDB as an heir of sorts should he meet his end by another dovah. But that might not be something the LDB sees, y’know? Even if working on not following their draconic nature, it’s hard to ignore the fact that you & the former second-in-command are practically the top dogs in dragon terms.

Referencing to Jeer-Tei again, they saw this as a potential threat. Alduin attacked Helgen he sensed Tei as a threat to his rule, Miraak nearly killed Tei because they were a threat (and asset) to his return & potential rule over Tamriel. In my LDBs perspective, having two potential leaders of dragon hierarchy at one time means danger to them or their loved ones - so they were leaning towards responding first rather than waiting for something to happen. Tei still did attempt a truce though, granted it fell through after they escalated a conversation with him. Killing him was the right decision that had to be made, regardless of the reactions that would follow.

uhh idk where im going with this but tl;dr Paarthy is super disconnected/unattached to mortal affairs n such due to yknow....living forever n being old as fuck - which can lead to potential tensions with some LDBs perhaps. And also there’s like....reasons why the Blades or LDB might want to kill him, even if it’s not agreeable to the other party - it’s a grey issue imo & man i wish Bethesda approached the quest for it better ngl

[that-nd-infp]

What Makes An Emotionally Repressed INFP 9w1 People-Pleaser:

Recently on my post about being hyper socially-aware, someone asked if I was like that to sense potential danger. At first, I didn’t even consider that. I just assumed that I was more intuitive/observant than most people (and that is partially it, being different at a young age leaves you feeling fascinated with others and wanting to understand them). But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that was exactly the case, it is a defense mechanism. So let’s get to unpacking some childhood trauma.

Before I get into this, let me break down two key pieces to this puzzle:

As an INFP, I am hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive to my own feelings. They guide everything I do and affect me very deeply.

As an enneagram 9w1, I am hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware of my environment; I strive to maintain peace and harmony, and when that’s replaced with conflict and negativity, it makes me extremely upset and it’s very hard for me to bear (amplified by my INFP Fi). The idea of upsetting the people around me or putting my needs ahead of theirs is immensely anxiety-inducing.

So now that we have that out of the way, let’s explain the environment that I spent my formative years in.

The Trauma:

To be clear, my mother was never abusive, and I’ve never had to wonder whether or not she loves me; I know she does, and she tells me often. But she is still mentally ill, and the effects of that have done their fair share of damage on me over the years. Untreated Anxiety and Depression, PTSD, and [suspected] Avoidant Personality Disorder (from childhood abuse) have all done a number on her and drastically affected so many of her behaviors.

People dealing with that gallery of conditions I just listed can be very prone to stronger mood swings and emotional outbursts, which is understandable. My mom in particular is very unhealthy/not emotionally regulated and tends to be a very cynical, bitter, and pessimistic person (again, understandable), so she focuses on the negatives of everything and finds faults way more easily, which amplifies everything by a lot. She can also be prone to sarcasm and passive-aggressive behaviors.

So, needless to say, it doesn’t take a lot to set her off. And when she does get set off, it’s a lot to take in (especially for someone that’s extremely sensitive to that) and it lasts quite awhile. Even something as simple as a restaurant making her food wrong/poorly as enough to get her super worked up: ranting and raving, saying things like “of course, why not? Whatever, it doesn’t matter anyways, I give up, I’m done with everything” with increasing intensity (I should note that we always get take-out, so this happens at home). Sometimes it takes the form of pacing around the house chanting “I hate my life” repeatedly like it’s some kind of mantra (which is something no child should ever have to hear their parent say). Sometimes it’s being extremely irritable and snapping easily. In any case, I don’t know how else to describe it other than that she radiates the most intense negative energy I’ve ever felt in my life; it’s completely overwhelming and it’s enough to make me feel nauseous.

In addition to all of that, because of her abusive upbringing, she doesn’t handle any sort of criticism or anyone else’s negative emotions well at all. If you tell her something she’s done upset you or she perceives a negative tone, she’s going to take it as a personal attack and get extremely defensive, usually lashing out. But on the complete other end, if something about you is bothering her, she will not tell you. She’ll simply let it fester and complain about you to others behind your back (or take passive-aggressive shots at you) because she can’t handle the confrontation of bringing it up normally. It can be hard to know exactly where you stand with her.

The Effects:

Now imagine living with both the mental state I described in myself earlier and the environment I described. There was always a negative and turbulent environment and absolutely nothing I could do about it. Any slip of negative emotions on my part resulted in even more emotional pain. I was made to feel guilty for feeling and expressing my emotions, even if they didn’t have to do with anyone in particular. I learned to fear my feelings and hide from them, to push them down and bottle them up and pretend everything was fine. I learned to fear how I come across to others so I wouldn’t convey too much genuine emotion and risk upsetting them. At this point, I’ve become so emotionally repressed, I don’t even know what I’m feeling most of the time. I physically can’t cry even when I want to because my body won’t let me. I worked that out of myself a long time ago so that my emotions wouldn’t be a burden on others.

I also learned to fear others. I’ve become obsessed with reading their faces and voices to see if there are any signs of irritation. Even if there aren’t, I second-guess myself and assume that they’re upset with me, and I stress myself out about it. I can’t trust that the people around me are being genuine and I’m always paranoid that everyone is secretly upset with me and thinking poorly of me. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing and setting people off.

Maybe part of this comes down to the fact that I’m too sensitive and I’m paranoid of things that aren’t real. Maybe I pick up on a lot of cues that aren’t actually there. But the idea of risking assuming things are fine and potentially upsetting people is just too great to me. Trying to look out for my own wants/needs feels selfish, so I don’t do it. Letting myself feel feels too dangerous, so I don’t do it.

And at this point in my life, I have no idea how to undo any of that.

[Also, just for the record, I do love my mom very much, and she’s been great in so many other areas. She’s never intended to hurt me, and I don’t think she knows she’s even done any of this (I obviously have never brought any of this up). She’s just extremely unhealthy and unable to see past her own problems.]

[fanmoose12]

So... Was it eruri or levihan in the end??? I'm hella confused tbh

What.... Happened? We get 126, 132 them switch on eruri on 136/7 then.... What in the dingly dang was 139?

Most of all I'm frustrated bc of what the fuck yams did to Hange, they were a genuinely incredibly interesting character with fuckton of potential and character development and he threw it out of the window for what... Sometimes, I believe yams doesn't realise what a great character Hange was despite being the one that created them. And literally no point in them dying when Falco could fly. Me thinks lowkey bc of the implications that if they lived it would mean them and levi got an ending together and it would piss people off.

But here's the thing, Levi shouldn't have to live the rest of his life alone. No one in their right mind can deny the relationship he had with Erwin (though I do doubt it was reciprocated in the same way from Erwin's end), but it doesn't have to be the only relationship in his life? The fact that he fullfilled that promise and remembers him fondly still is touching and it's important that he got closure after all this time.

But taking away the last person in his life who was the closest with now leaves him with no new purpose? He killed Zeke and saved the world, now what?

This is why imo, Hange should have lived. They would have given him a new purpose: live happy and in peace. It could be that together they heal, travel the world and relax for once. Have new, mundane dreams such as get a house and just domestic bliss which would be a whole new thing for them, to once live in normalcy.

And they both NEEDED that. Levi no matter how stoic he seemed we know he's been broken on the inside his whole life. Consistently getting beat up by life and having everyone he cared about dying on him. Especially after Erwin's death, he needed desperately a break and time to pick up the pieces. And who better to do that with than Hange who's stood by him since ever and is the only one who can understand his pain. They had one of the deepest bonds in the series and it was a shame yams didn't put more focus on it towards the end where it was needed the most.

They should have found solace in one another and why is that such a bad thing? Best friends falling in love and together work towards healing? Moving on doesn't mean forgetting the past or diminishing relationships and past love.

And both of them needed that move on. It was like their lives and dreams were on hold all this time. Fighting titans, fighting Marley, being commander, being the strongest soldier, the rumbling, always on the run, always fighting.

But after it was all done why would it be bad if a new chapter opened up? Where they discover their true dreams and desires. Where they selfishly strive towards their own happiness for once with no other obligations attached.

I know yams doesn't write a happy story and wants to be all darl and edgy, but their endings were almost insulting and forced.

I'm terribly sorry for the long post.... We fans got to stay together though right? Otherwise we'll lose it

anon, you said all of it so well.......

like it's my personal opinion that hange was killed off simply because isayama didn't want for levi to stay with someone and offend other shippers since levi is so popular.....

i can't honestly think of another reason for hange to die and in a such stupid and easily avoidable way. i was sorta comforted after 138? you know, i thought that "hey..... hange died but it was a heroic end....." but then everyone returned to their human forms without any consequences whatsoever and i was so upset. hange is the only member of alliance that died and, idk, it makes me kinda bitter lol. they struggled for so long and they really deserved that happy ending. another thing that bogged me is hange calling armin their successor? it wasn't brought up even once after that, what was the purpose of it? just a nice gesture?

and another thing that bothers me considering the ending is that i don't quite understand the message isayama wanted to give us? the ending is kinda hopeful but then it really isn't? they're still at war, and now, without their only advantage in a form of titans, paradise can easily lose, and the fight for the characters isn't obviously over. also everyone thanking eren but no one mentioning hange bothers me too.....

levihan truly is one of the best written relationship in the series and it's a damn shame it was destroyed because yams didn't care for hange or whatever the reason for their death was

[thisdreamplace]

(1)Hello I was wondering if I could have a bit of guidance. Recently my anxiety has skyrocketed, i have been focusing on healing, but it feels difficult because since then I feel like this surge of negativity has come up & it’s really been affecting me. Im still learning what it means to accept unlovely feelings & thoughts & watch them dissolve. It’s been a bit chaotic for me for a few weeks now. I know at the beginning towards my desires, & person, I had a lot of anxiety. Of course I don’t like that anxiety towards things that really do make me feel happy when I feel connected & immersive in knowing. But that fluctuate of states i suppose where I’m feeling really ecstatic one moment then the next i have a sudden hinge of anxiety & I spiral. I have been having intrusive thoughts about other people being better or looking better with my person, or someone else already living my life. I definitely know it goes deeper as you talk about, which is why I have focused to healing. & I know im smart, in a way of i understand how I want to feel. I understand my true self. Yet sometimes I get these thoughts where it’s like what if my true self is still someone else (????) i mean serious overthinking, I get quite embarrassed actually because it’s just I know my overreactive brain is over complicating my true self, inner world, etc. I feel really low sometimes because I know it’s not the foundation of my inner world, it’s actually just me. My willingness & the normalness I used to feel with naturally spiraling with thoughts & anxiety, & I know I’m here to overcome that. Because I know what’s meant for me, & sometimes I feel like it’s a fight to keep my head above water. I get constant intrusive thoughts about people that I don’t want to think about & I get uncomfortable, & they even pop up in my dreams & I wake up terrified & anxiety filled. Sometimes I am scared. I wake up & I work my hardest in a way of healing such pains. Especially because I know how much it means to me. For me my healing has become something that before I see my desires & meant to be’s in the outer world, I want to lovingly accept them even on the surface. I do believe even being here is being consistent in saying I accept them & I am willing to change my self in a sense of being my true self because it brings me this level of peace in simply knowing. But I have really hard moments on the daily where I’m triggered & still feel that anxiety so deep within me. Like it just twist my insides it feels like. I’m like on this beam of old story & a potential healing purge happening & also the horizon of blossoming & a beautiful life. I want to mers ce the journey or process. & I want to be able to live everyday knowing my life in such small yet large ways personally, & that’s what I strive for everyday. Even if it’s about the future, I also value the present moment of simply knowing. I’m wanting to make this easier for me. I have at some point fallen to ocd & anxiety, & even being here now, I may not be in the most desirable place, & I feel like I obviously have some very tough moments, it’s definitely a come up from the old, whilst still continuing to heal the old story & deep rooted fears. Even now I have noticed a sense of strength that I didn’t know I had to persist in something so unseen, even when I feel like I only see fears around me, I don’t give up. It’s like my inner world won’t let me. I think what I am doing here is maybe venting lol, but also I think asking for some advice in a sense of how to really accept & heal that anxiety, maybe I’m not crediting myself for how far I’ve come. I just notice how I still slip & fall into fears, & worries. & that scares me because I know for a fact I want that peace & freedom, & internal love. I just feel like the anxiety rips that away. & makes me feel like I should give up, & it’s weird I know if I didn’t continue I would be so unhappy. I have fallen in love with these not here in the 3d but I see it internally. & I’m passionate about my healing & standing strong against the old currents of fearful patterns that want to

continued: (2) continue staying alive. I apologize that this got a bit long & it may seem like a long mess. Idek what my ask is at this point but maybe there are some things you can see that can help make this process of releasing fears & worries, just a bit easier. It’s funny because I see the easiness of it, but when I want to try & be that easy, it’s so difficult for some reason. Maybe there are some faults im still not realizing. If you notice it anywhere where I’m writing so plz let me know, I’m all about catching them at this moment in order to remove them. Sometimes this feels like an uphill battle, & I’m very tired. But then I get this thought about me being happy, & I know what specifics makes me happy. It may not be the clearest vision of my dreams or my person but I still know that loving intention & it is like a whisper to continue. I think I’m still used to fears inside my mind feeling so real, & changing that up is very, different lol. Not comfortable at all. Anyways I will end this here, thanks for all the tremendous help!:))

hey :) so, there’s a lot to unpack here. firstly, i want to say healing and the law really go hand in hand. and i think if you were to settle into that perspective a little more, it could help. because it’s not about healing and then oh! now you’re finally ready for your desires and to be the desired version of you. no, no. you do these things at the same time. you heal while knowing it’s all for you, you’re simply uncovering that hidden beautiful world you locked yourself away from. think of healing like trimming away the overgrown weeds of your garden. the more you trim, the more your beautiful garden is on display. instead of it being like you’re trimming away weeds to find a secret door, then you have to unlock the door and then finally you’re opening the door to your dream life. nah, it’s already here. i hope this is making sense.

to add onto that a little, you really express the anxiety, fears, etc like it’s you against them. it’s like you wake up knowing you’ll have a daily battle and you soften the blow by telling yourself “one day it’ll all be beautiful… but for now i have to fight” — no. you don’t have to and no�� nothing is against you. this is another beautiful lesson in healing and knowing the law. everything is FOR you, not against you. this is another mindset shift it would benefit you to make. stop seeing as another setback and start seeing it as part of the beautiful journey. knowing that even though you may not see how, it’s all working out for you anyway. healing isn’t a linear journey, for sure. but it doesn’t have to be a uphill battle neither. this is where the law of assumption kicks in — your healing journey is what you make it. i’ve made mine beautiful. i see it as such a beautiful part of my life. i learn more about myself, i become closer to the god within, i become stronger in my faith and my love, and i have plenty of experiences of light that outshine the darkness. for me, healing is beautiful. it can be that way for you too. start waking up knowing it’ll be a beautiful day no matter what comes up. you are a beautiful person living a beautiful life. it doesn’t start after healing… bc the truth is, in my opinion, the journey never ends. that’s kind of the whole point of being here. as long as we live in these human bodies, we will be on the journey of experiencing what lives within us and choosing love along the way. so stop identifying with who you used to be so much, and start identifying more often with the version of you that you want to be. because you are that person already. they’re not waiting for you, they’re here now.

so yeah, it sounds like you think you’re broken and there’s tons to fix which isn’t… true really. there’s nothing wrong with you and you aren’t broken at all. all healing is for, is us clearing out those old stories that no longer serve us, so we can make room for beautiful ones for us to identify with instead. it’s not about “whats wrong with me ? whats next ? i have so much to heal” — no. you navigate love in every aspect instead. something pops up and you examine within, you allow yourself the moment. but spending every moment digging for more issues is… going to get you exactly that experience. what i do is not dig for anything. as we lean into our desired state more, the old story comes up with it. so i deal with it then. and in other moments, i choose the lovely story instead. i hope this is making sense. but you make a healing journey harder than it needs to be when you’re constantly thinking there’s more to be healed. you have to remember the law is always at play too. so this can be a long painful journey or it can be one that is sweet and beautiful, despite the pain. it’s really a choice you have to make daily, on how you’ll approach your life and yourself.

another thing too, that helped me so much, was stop entertaining this idea where i have to do it all on my own. when you identify with your ego heavily in lower moments, of course it makes it harder. our human self is so limited. it’s the god within who knows no limits. so for me, i become human and talk to my godself like i’m really a child of god. i know i am only speaking to myself of course — but i also know myself is listening. the true me is listening. not saying you have to do this, of course. but i am sharing it because it truly helped me along the darkest moments. everytime, i was heard even when in the moment i thought i wasn’t. when you surrender to yourself in this way and stop trying to figure it out all on your own, it really helps to soften the experience.

i’m sure that you are undermining your own beautiful progress like you mentioned. haha there’s lots of patience that we must have for ourselves on this journey. but i think this advice will greatly benefit you, if you choose to apply it. i hope it helps 💖

[gra-sonas]

Max Evans has had one hell of a year. The Roswell, New Mexico Season 3 premiere, which picked up a year after the events of the Season 2 finale, saw the alien-turned-cop living large with his pseudo siblings Isobel and Michael. However, his easygoing demeanor was nothing more than a facade. As it turns out, he is dying, principally because his body is rejecting the heart transplant he received last season. Now, he is on a mission to wrap up his unfinished business -- not the least of which involves Liz Ortecho, the estranged love of his life, and Jones, the alien from whom he was cloned.

Speaking to CBR, Roswell, New Mexico star Nathan Dean offered some insight into Max's end-of-life plans. He shared why it was so fun to play two separate characters in Season 3, as well as how that effect was accomplished behind the scenes. He explained the key difference between Max and Jones, which may very well show Max his own potential. He teased Anatsa's key role this season and warned fans to be worried about the results of Maria's ominous visions. He also previewed Max's reunion with Liz, the real-world issues that Season 3 will tackle and more.

CBR: This season, you're playing two separate characters. How do you alter your approach to differentiate between Max and Jones?

Nathan Dean: You know, Max has spent his whole life suppressing who he is, suppressing his abilities and trying to hide and trying to be human. Jones has never tried to do that. He has never suppressed anything. He's never tried to stop himself from finding his full potential. So really, it was just the opportunity.

I thank our showrunner Chris Hollier and our writers for allowing me to do this, to really step into the potential of what Max could have been under different circumstances, if he hadn't grown up on Earth around humans. If he never tried to suppress these abilities, if he never tried to suppress who you are or your potential, what is that? What is the limit there? For Jones, there is none.

So it was really fun to then step into this fully evolved version of the character that I've been playing and then switch between the two, go back to understanding the circumstances of, "Alright, you're human, you're trying to be human," but then switch back into, "Oh, no, you're not. You're so much more than human. You're something far beyond that." Yeah, juxtaposing the two was a lot of fun.

What is it like for you to act opposite yourself? What does that look like for you behind the scenes?

Nathan Dean: It's very weird! It's very weird. You know, there were days where there would be myself and there would be a photo double -- one for Max, one for Jones -- and there would be stunt doubles -- one for Max, one for Jones -- and we just kept multiplying on set. But it was very bizarre. It was a lot of fun.

You sort of do one side of the scene a certain way and then switch over. You know, you take the beard off, you change the outfit and change the mannerisms, change the demeanor, and then try to have a conversation with the self that you just were. It was very fun! [laughs] It was very bizarre, but it was great.

Thanks to Jones, Max is finally getting some of the answers he's longed for. How will that impact the way he sees himself, particularly in relation to Isobel and Guerin?

Nathan Dean: It impacts him a lot. I mean, we spent this past year... we weren't working. You know, a lot of people weren't working and you just kind of sit at home and have to look yourself in the mirror and really figure out who you want to be and how you want the world to remember you and how you want the world to see you.

Max is confronted with this thing in a very real person of Jones, literally looking yourself in the mirror. It sort of forces Max, I think, to take stock and appreciate Guerin and appreciate Isobel and Liz, too. I mean, just be grateful for having them in his life and finding out his place in the universe. You get to see, I think, that growth from him all season of just that gratitude and approaching people with respect, and respecting his situation so much more seeing it from someone else's eyes.

As we found out in the premiere, Max is dying. How does he envision his last days? What does his bucket list look like?

Well, I think largely it comes down to him wanting to respect and honor the people around him that have loved him in his life, and he hasn't necessarily always been good on that. So he just really wants to just be there for the people he cares about. I think for him, dying quietly and disappearing is the best option. He's always wanted to disappear into the shadows, but this season and Jones in particular kind of forced him to step out of those shadows and step into himself more.

I hope that, by the end of the season, that we see a much more mature, a much more fully formed Max than we have in the past. He's no longer allowed to hide because now there's two of him! So yeah, he's kind of forced to step into the spotlight when he doesn't necessarily want to.

It looks like Roswell has a new sheriff in town. How will that affect Max's job and his role in the community?

Nathan Dean: It doesn't really affect him. I mean, Max thankfully is not -- he doesn't have his job by election, but it definitely hurts him because Valenti was tough, but she was always kind of on his side and had his back. So yeah, he has to definitely adjust and learn a new place and learn if you he trust the new sheriff, who is coming into town in very crazy times, because now there's not one, but there's two of me.

He's got to learn how to adjust with that and hopefully, the new sheriff will be able to -- maybe not be as understanding as Valenti was, but yeah, she'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with. I hope we can trust her and hope that he'll be able to keep his job and try to keep her out of it as much as possible. But yeah, it's definitely a new rule.

In this week's episode, we learn a little more about Anatsa and her reason for coming to Roswell. How will we see that dynamic evolve as the season progresses?

Nathan Dean: Well, that's gonna be fun. I mean, she has her own agenda, definitely, and Max is a little bit reckless off the top and kind of steps a little bit out of line. But yeah, I mean, she's coming here, she's gonna learn a whole lot of things that she wasn't quite ready to learn when she first came to Roswell. Yeah, as the season goes on, we'll see her become integrated into not only Max's life, but then obviously, Michael and Isobel's life as well. She is really striving to uncover what turns out to be some uncomfortable truths.

Roswell has never shied away from dipping its toes into controversial topics, so how does that set the stage for the show to tackle some real-world current events?

Nathan Dean: Well, we've all been through a lot of these last couple years. Having jumped forward a year, we definitely touch on -- I mean, it's unavoidable. There was a pandemic! There was a lot of people going through some pretty difficult times. Yeah, we definitely jump into it. I mean, we'll talk about it. We always try to stay as current as possible.

I mean, the fact that Max is a cop, that's controversial in and of itself, and we definitely talk about that. Yeah, like you said, we don't shy away from situations that are going on in the real world, and I think this year, we were given a good platform to be able to have these conversations with level heads and not shy away from it. Stuff will come up about being a cop; stuff will come up about the pandemic. Kyle, one of our main characters, is a doctor. This stuff that doctors have had to go through these past couple of years, it's all very, very much at the forefront of this show.

We try to tackle everything with a level head and with respect. We just were given a lot of ammunition this past year, and we'll dive into it and we'll talk about it. But central to our show, obviously, is going to be these aliens and the relationship between Liz and Max and all that. So we try to play it all on an even playing field.

Just how trustworthy is Jones?

Nathan Dean: [laughs] I think you've got to figure out his agenda first! I mean, you've got to figure out what he wants. Ultimately, Jones sort of operates as a window into the past. Michael and Isobel primarily, but also Max, always had these questions boiling around in their minds about, "Who are we? Why are we here? Where did we come from? What's our place in the stars? What are we doing? What's happening?" And Jones is a window into that.

He obviously has his own plans and his own thing, but at the end of the day, yeah, he's sort of what Max could have been, had Max not grown up on Earth. We get to see that unfold and unfold throughout the season. So yeah, I mean, do you trust Max? Do you just Isobel? Do you trust Michael? Do you trust any of these aliens? Do you trust Jones? I don't know! That's all yet to be seen.

Maria keeps having visions of a funeral and she isn't quite sure who's in the coffin. How worried should fans be?

Nathan Dean: Definitely be worried. You know, we're just learning now what Maria's abilities are and what her role in this cosmic game is. As we move forward, trying to figure out what her ability is, and are these are these, in fact, real? Are these set in stone? Is this something that can be changed? What are these visions? Are these the future that's going to happen or a future that could happen?

Yeah, we learn a lot about Maria this year, and obviously Liz is off in LA trying to figure out how to deal with that as well. It's fun to sort of -- you know, she's one of the new aliens in the group and we get to figure out what that's about.

What can you tease about Max's reunion with Liz?

Nathan Dean: I mean, Max and Liz have this relationship that is constantly push and pull. They're in this orbit around each other they just can't break. It is very appropriate that she literally runs into him, because no matter how hard they try to be apart and try to be separated, the world, the universe, whatever it is, they just keep literally crashing into each other.

Obviously, it's been a year. Max is not doing well, in a lot of ways. There's also another Max out there somewhere. So yeah, they crash into each other in quite a spectacular way.

[ask-whitepearl-and-steven]

I'm sorry, but that "Someday, YOU will be Pink Diamond" REALLY doesn't sit well with me. I get your message is "Sometimes you will hurt people," but that really doesn't work for her. Pink BROKE Earl. She threw a tantrum so bad it broke her face and reminders of it sends Earl into a PTSD shutdown. Even though Pink became a better person later, you said "you will be pink" in the context of her at her worst, and I think it's really fucked to say "everyone will be an abuser eventually"

I understand that this is upsetting - but if you deny any potential possibility that you may someday abuse people, I think you’re way more likely to go down that road yourself. 

I’m sorry that it’s harsh, and I in no way want you guys to engage with it if it upsets you too much but - I stand by what I say. We all have the potential to become like Pink. The more you deny yourself that potential, the more blind you will be to your own patterns. 

I’m not downplaying how terrible what Pink did was - she absolutely DID cause Earl extensive psychological trauma! That was horrible, and even if she eventually learned from her mistakes, that doesn’t mean she deserves to be forgiven for that. 

Also, I might point out that you guys are all thinking I’m calling you ‘The Worst’ when I compare it to Pink. Which is just fundamentally not where I was coming from AT ALL.

Pink - the Worst?  Really? She’s the WORST you can think of? 

The Diamond with the least amount of control over her life, the Diamond who suffered the most abuse under the other Diamonds, who had the least help with empathy and learning it, the Diamond who decided to value life, learned to change, eventually grew to learn NOT to harm others? 

If anything, Pink is a perfect picture of Hurting Others Out Of Ignorance. 

She proves how much damage - how much trauma you can inflict on others by simply NOT knowing how to do anything else! How damaging that can be - as damaging (if not more) as purposefully wanting to harm someone knowingly!

Which is something we are ALL capable of. THAT is the comparison I was making.

None of the harm she did was out of malice towards other creatures. She was spoiled, selfish, and lacked the ability to control her emotions - but did she physically WANT to hurt Pearl? No. I would argue not. That wasn’t her intention.

(Does it matter? No, obviously Pearl was still hurt all the same. But if you’re considering Pink’s intentions in your blind rage towards her, at least take this into account.)

That’s why my comparison is so important.

You all think she’s a monster - and you’re furious I’ve suggested you CAN become that monster without realizing it. 

You think abuse is clear-cut? You think it’s like in the movies? That all abusers are simple, that they all have a GOAL of harm, that they are all easily digestible and ‘evil’ and ‘bad’ - because it distances you from that possibility. 

You think ‘I could NEVER be like that because I’m GOOD and because I’m not LIKE THAT’. 

But the potential to be like that - unknowingly, on accident - is so much more dangerous. 

You can recognize ‘I want to hit ____!’ which becomes “I’ve hurt ___” as a bad thing. But an invisible harm, where you think “I just want _____!” which becomes “I’ve hurt ___!” is more complicated. The outcome is not predictable.

And that scares you. 

Good, it should.

Lapis PURPOSEFULLY almost drowned Steven and Connie, nearly destroyed the whole fucking planet and later was trapped in an abusive relationship with Jasper - but we’re not calling HER the worst. We understand how her trauma impacted her.

Pearl blamed Steven - blamed Greg - blamed EVERYONE and pushed everyone away, took advantage of Garnet because of her trauma - and we’re not called HER the worst. We KNOW where that’s all coming from.

So what about Pink?

She was just supposed to POP out of the ground Fully Formed With Non-Abusive, Perfect Gentle Diamond Tendencies despite being brought up under a system that was GROOMING her to be a merciless dictator? And she was, what - supposed to just MAGICALLY become non-problematic? And because she didn’t - because she had to make mistakes along the way in order to change - she’s an irredeemable monster? 

You think learning is just a magical thing that happens because you’re born A Good Person?

No one is Born A Good Person.

We all learn through mistakes and patterns. And learning is not always pretty. That doesn’t mean you have to excuse it - by all means, don’t. 

But to ignore it and instead attribute Growth to some magical Deux Ex Machina that Happens To You Because You’re A Good Person And Not An Abuser instead of something you have to Strive For every day, and something you have to Work Towards and something you have to Examine in yourself?

That amounts to less self-introspection that Pink herself ended up being capable of.

[theavengerfairy]

One Step Closer - Chapter 6

Previously known as “Gravity”

He had a lot on his mind. It wasn't his expression that gave Callum away; rather, it was his lack thereof. His warm glow had not once wavered in the face of adversity since Anora met him, but now as they walked along with the moon as their guide, her watchful eye observed it flickering dangerously, violent gusts of restless thoughts threatening to snuff out the light at its source. When he believed no wandering gazes were upon him, the young prince would risk a glance at Rayla, first at her face and then at the pocket in which the coin was tucked safely away. Whenever his attention shifted to the latter, fragments of icy bitterness crystallized in his eyes where warm kindness and tender concern had dwelled not much earlier. Between his somber aura and the way he trudged forward with his back bent and his shoulders stooped, one might assume the weight of the world rested upon him, and it was a sight that Anora, for one, could not stand.

"It isn't much farther. We should have the element of surprise, but it would be best not to take any chances. Callum, come up here with me, would you? I know you're inexperienced, but you are our best offense against another mage so we need you front and center. Rayla, bring up the rear please and keep alert for any surprises from behind. Maddie-"

"Yeah yeah, I'm in the middle with the baby dragon." Maddie cut in with an offhanded wave, her other hand already scrounging through her bag in search of her wristbow.

Rayla's nose wrinkled and her lips puckered ever so slightly as she stared hard at Anora, obviously not convinced the rather out-of-the-blue request was what it appeared to be on the surface. Nevertheless, she receded to the back of the group without protest, blades already drawn and hanging at her sides in wait. Meanwhile Callum hurried forward, his head sinking even lower between his shoulders, and fell into stride with Anora, his face averted as though he could hide from her what she had already seen.

"Something's troubling you, Callum."

Callum's fingers picked nervously at the strap of his backpack. "I'm worried about Ez."

"That's not all though, now is it?"

Were all Oceancry elves this insanely perceptive or was he just that terrible at being subtle? It didn't truly matter either way; however it had happened, Callum was caught. Compelled by guilt, he began to crane his neck to check on Rayla yet again, but she had hardly manifested as an abstract blur in his peripheral before Anora beckoned his attention back to her with a crisp yet kindly staccato.

"Ah ah ah, not a good idea; she's still trying to decide whether or not I'm up to something. You flash those big, telltale green eyes at her and we're both done for."

Callum knew she was right of course; it was honestly a miracle Rayla hadn't figured him out already. A cluttered, jumbled mind was a luxury he could not afford; he needed to have his wits about him should their encounter with Castel go south. And yet, no matter how hard he struggled to seize hold of just one of the many intertwining threads of his thoughts, the strand would swiftly slip from his grasp again and rejoin its brethren as they continued to weave and knot themselves into an even tighter, more complicated tangle.

If not for Rayla's vigilant watch, Anora's hand, which twitched at her side, would've clasped Callum reassuringly by the shoulder in an instant. For now, however, she only hoped the extra softness with which she coated her voice proved capable of conveying the sincerity of her compassion, "You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, Callum, but I would like to help somehow if I can."

He wanted to say something, to release into the open the festering bitterness that had slithered its way into his core when he wasn't looking and to allow the fresh air to cleanse away any gunk that lingered behind. To do so now, however, meant Anora witnessing that exorcism firsthand, and to expect anything less than her recoiling from him in response was preposterous. Was he to suffer in silence for the preservation of his pride or was he to expunge the darkness before it could fully take root, even at the cost of unpleasant potential consequences that might follow?

With a deep breath, the brisk, purifying night air filled his heavy, aching lungs, and when he exhaled, the pent-up words and feelings all came tumbling forth.

"Runaan isn't just someone dear to Rayla. He's an assassin, an assassin who still killed my stepdad and planned to kill my brother after seeing for himself that the egg of the Dragon Prince was safe. Calling off the mission would've meant some risk for him and his team, I get that, but he didn't even consider it. And what about Ez? Even if I could somehow look past everything that murderer has done, it isn't fair for me to expect the same from him; he's just a kid. And how do we know that Runaan won't just pick up where he left off and try to harm him again if he gets free? We don't! I can't put Ez in that kind of danger! When we found the coin earlier and I said I would help, I was thinking about Rayla and nothing else, but now...I don't want to hurt her, and I know I'm a horrible person for saying this, but would it really be so awful for him not to get out?"

His heart and lips stung raw. It was out, the toxic smog that had been corroding his heart and soul, and now all he could do was wait with apprehension's bony fingers already coiling around his throat before he could get another breath in. Why had he thought that this was a good idea?

"You're not a horrible person, Callum; just a real one who has endured a great deal of hardship and loss. You've had your world flipped upside down and that is bound to leave you with questions and frustrations and doubts. You cannot hate yourself for that."

"I still have to make a choice though, and that decision is going to affect more people than just me!"

"But your voice matters too." Anora's hands had found their way into one another's grip, hanging in front of her at waist level and squeezing each other tightly to keep them both locked in place as they could not be trusted to ignore the pleadings of her heart to seize the boy and wrap him in the hug he so desperately needed and deserved. "There is nothing wrong in asking 'What about me?' What about you, Callum?"

What about him? He was angry, hurt, grieving. He was torn between loyalties to different people who he all loved deeply and didn't want to hurt. As a prince, he had been taught from a young age to strive for noble character, but his heart yearned so strongly to be selfish just this once that it physically ached. He longed to live like the child he was once again, to have someone else make the hard choices while he carried on in the ignorant bliss of youth. It wasn't fair; it was all so much, too much.

Callum's eyes fixated on a stone sitting idly directly in his path, and before he could give it much thought, he swiftly drove his foot into it with considerable force. Unfortunately, the rock proved to be larger than it appeared and also securely nestled in the ground, so instead of taking flight, it sent an acute pain rippling throughout the prince's foot as he stumbled a little.

"That...was really stupid." he groaned, concealing his flushed face behind one of his open palms. "Why did I just do that?"

"Well, one of you was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. The question is whether it was you or the rock."

Anora's quip wasn't even that funny, but it proved just enough to return a smile to Callum's lips for a fleeting moment. Even when it vanished, Callum's frown wasn't quite as deep or pronounced as it had been before; it was a small improvement but an improvement nonetheless.

"Runaan staying in the coin won't bring my stepdad back, but to just let him go…" Callum wrapped his arms around himself, "My mind's all over the place. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to figure out the best choice to make when at least one person I care about is always going to wind up hurt no matter what I decide?"

"Well, perhaps that's why you're stuck; you're trying to process everything all at once and it's overwhelming you." Anora mused as her eyes drifted up to the moon which peered down at them through gaps in the leafy canopy above their heads. "There are moments when it is best to look at the big picture, and then there are moments where one must focus on a single part of an issue...What can you tell me about Runaan?"

Callum blinked at her, somewhat taken aback by the seemingly sudden shift of attention. "What good is talking about him going to do?"

"Runaan is but a single piece at play, yet much of your turmoil ties back to him in some way, yes? While it may not bring you all the answers you seek, understanding him better might just grant you some clarity and closure that can aid your decision-making." Noticing a low-hanging branch that was about to smack Callum square in the face, Anora held it aside until he had passed and then let it fall back into place with a soft rustle. "You've already named him your stepfather's assassin as well as someone of significance to Rayla; what else can you figure out about him?"

"I don't know. I only encountered him once, and all he did was refuse to hear us out before fighting Rayla while she covered my brother and I's retreat with the egg. What else is there to say about him except that he is cruel and arrogant and close-minded?"

To Callum's surprise, Anora said nothing, but as he swiveled his head to look at her, a jolt shot through him when he found her staring him down, her lips curled into a little smirk and her brows arched ever so slightly. Her eyes reflected not condemnation but rather a blend of mild amusement and skepticism. She was calling bull on his shallow analysis, and what made the matter worse is that she knew that they both knew that she was right. If Callum truly saw things through so narrow a lens, the last place he would be was here, traveling with a party of elves and humans on a quest to return an abducted dragonling home even after all the pain the residents of Xadia and the human kingdoms had caused one another. He understood that the world and those who lived in it were not so superficial, and she was not going to let him get away with pretending otherwise.

He didn't want to think back to that night, his skin crawling and his throat constricting at the mere notion of it. Even so, he lifted his face towards the sky above with a sigh and allowed his mind to wander back, back the many miles they had come, back to the palace wall where those turquoise eyes had judged him as vermin without a second thought. However, the harsh gaze, that stern face, had slackened for an instant when Runaan first beheld the egg with his own eyes. Ever so briefly, the man beneath the warrior had been visible before being buried again, and as Callum studied those same eyes and remembered how that fierce voice had quivered as Rayla pleaded with Runaan once more, his breath caught in his throat.

"What is it, Callum?" Anora purred, her voice little more than a whisper as not to shatter the boy's delicate focus.

"He did hesitate actually; it wasn't for long but he did. I think...I think he was torn about what to do."

"Like you are now?" Anora let the question hang in the air for a moment before continuing, "Callum, do you think he might have been a bit afraid?"

"Afraid? But he's…" Callum stopped, his argument already crumbling apart on his tongue.

"What would he have to fear, Callum?" Anora prodded further, her head tilting slightly to one side as she waited patiently for him to mull everything over.

"He...he was the leader. He made the calls for the group. If he ordered something that was too risky and something bad happened, it would fall back on him-"

"What would fall back on him?"

"The responsibility and...and the guilt." Callum's expression suddenly soured again. "But how could he think that working together to bring Zym home was riskier than attacking a king with a palace full of soldiers who knew they were coming?"

"Perhaps it is not a question of greater risk but of unfamiliar risk. Runaan and the other assassins already understood and accepted the dangers of their mission. To abandon their original task in favor of working with humans to bring the Dragon Prince home would mean taking on new risks, some known but many unknown. If it had been only his well-being at stake, maybe he would have acted differently, but as the leader, he had to consider the welfare of the others also. I'm not saying that I completely agree with his choice, but I do understand it."

"I'm still not sure I do." Callum dragged his fingers rather roughly through his hair then let his arm drop limply back down to his side again. "Rayla knew the risks and cared about the other assassins too. How come she was still willing to take a chance and he wasn't?"

"Hope comes easier when one is young. When you live many years in a world that has been one way for a long time, it is easy to lose sight of how things could be and surrender oneself to what they are now. Like most, Runaan's perspective has been shaped by the longstanding bitterness between humans and Xadians, a resentment which neither side has been willing to try and lay to rest."

"You're not like that though."

Anora's gaze dropped to the ground, her kind features now marred by a rueful smile. "I wish that were true, but I fall short of such ideal virtue as well."

Callum made a face. "But you saved Maddie, even though she was a human…"

"You're right, and I have learned to trust a handful of other humans as well. That hardly means it comes naturally though. The me that you see now is the result of continuous effort on my part to grow despite my own deep-rooted fears and assumptions, and even now, after much hard work, some of those aversions have managed to endure."

"Is there really any chance of humans and elves ever truly reconciling then? I mean, you're one of the most open-minded elves I've met, so if you're still struggling that much, will Runaan or others like him ever be able to see things differently?" Callum's body felt very heavy all of a sudden, as though some phantom of the night had stolen past them and sapped his strength without him noticing until now. His stomach had also begun to ache like it did after he failed to block an attack from Soren during practice and received a wooden sword to the gut with a painful smack.

"Yes, I am a work in progress, young prince, but that in itself is proof of hope and the potential for change living on. I still struggle, yet because I have found not only hope but proof that affirms that hope, I press onward without fail."

"So Runaan needs proof that not all humans are bad? Proof other than the Dragon Prince being alive and well and two human princes being willing to return him home in hopes of preventing a war?"

Anora gave a small laugh. "Some of us are more stubborn than others."

"So how do I figure out what might convince Runaan to give humans a chance?"

"Perhaps Rayla could give you some ideas once you feel ready to talk to her about this."

"You two wrapping up with your juicy gossip? Because I think we're here, unless there's some other giant lake in this general direction with enough magical energy to make the cube thingy light up super bright like it is right now?"

Anora and Callum both felt their hearts perform a nosedive into their stomachs as they whipped their heads around to find Rayla standing not so far behind them, Zym atop her shoulder and crooning as she scratched the underside of his chin. Peering around the elf, Anora shot Maddie a pointed look from where she was lurking at least a yard behind the rest of the group and only received an apologetic smile paired with a nervous shrug from the redhead in response.

Positioning herself between Anora and Callum, Rayla wordlessly glanced from Callum's face to his satchel and then back again. Her expression was hard for him to read, appearing both impassive and irritated at the same time, and while Callum wanted to ask her just how much of their conversation she had heard, his mouth remained shut.

"I know you already gave me an answer but I'm going to ask you one more time: are you sure about this? That cube is something your father wanted you to have; we can search for some other magical artifact to trade with Castel."

Callum's gaze fell to his satchel just as his hand was reaching inside to retrieve the mysterious key, which was indeed glowing so brightly that its light was shining clean through the fabric. Drawing it out, he couldn't help but notice the comfortable warmth radiating from it along with a low, rather calming hum while it pulsed in his palm, and though the glow somewhat hurt his eyes, he just stared at it for awhile, his face distant while the heat mimicked the embrace of those strong but gentle arms he so missed as it crept its way throughout the rest of his body. Ever so briefly, his grip on the cube tightened, but it eventually went lax again.

"There isn't time to look for another artifact. This is what we have to do."

Circling around so she was directly in front of Callum, Anora slowly laid her hand on the cube. Once more, the prince's fingers latched firmly onto the tiny box, but eventually he permitted her to gradually slip it free from his grasp.

"I'm the only one here who is familiar with Castel's tricks, so I'll negotiate with him. It would be best for you three to wait up here-Wait, let me finish, Rayla-so he can't gain any more leverage than he already has by getting his grubby hands on you too. Maddie, do you have a hairpin on you?"

"What if something goes wrong while you're down there? How are we supposed to know so we can help?" Rayla protested as Anora carefully traced a rune onto her skin near the base of her neck before accepting the hairpin Madeleine offered to her. When she said nothing, merely offering her a morose look that left a dreary heaviness hanging over the group, the message was clear enough: were something to go wrong, there would be no helping her or Ezran. That would be it.

After brushing her bangs out of her eyes and securing them into place, Anora marched into the lake, only stopping to glance back at her companions who were crowding along the shore when the water had reached her waist. Despite her own thundering heart, she stood up a little straighter and flashed them a reassuring smile before diving beneath the surface, allowing the water to swallow her up.

[orsuliya]

Can we talk about how these princes , with so much wealth & resources how could they basically have no martial art skill ?

Zitan , he can’t even do a basic fighting (running ard and hiding behind the tree) while assassins tried to kill him, not a good look for prince. Potato, a sitting duck with arrow in his chest 😹 and Zilu only able to swing sword around aimlessly

The problem is not that Zitan cannot fight off those assassins. There are four of them and he’s more than a little drunk, judging from his and Awu’s general behaviour at the festival. The problem is that he was not drunk when he decided to slip out of the palace and steal Awu away from the safety of her home. And yet this adult man takes absolutely no precautions. None. No secret bodyguards following them at a distance, not a one. Okay, this is somewhat understandable, although it further proves that Zitan is a bloody nobody, a prince with no faithful retainers of his own, whom he could trust not to blab to his father or mother. But seriously, he has NO WEAPON. Not even a measly dagger!

What. The. Hell. Was. He. Thinking. Anything can happen at night in a crowd. I am not even talking about possible assassination attempts, but about common cutpurses and, if one is particularly unlucky, common cutthroats. Or, if those are too hard to imagine, then about bog-standard drunkards, who might become somewhat too bold towards a lady of Awu’s beauty and sharp tongue. If Zitan was alone, then fine, I could excuse this criminal forgetfulness. He’s young, he may be feeling immortal or think that nobody will dare to attack one such as him (despite the incognito). But he’s not alone. He has Awu with him and as the instigator of this whole adventure should take responsibility shoud try to ensure her safety... even if she was not his beloved Princess and possible future wife. A hidden weapon would do the trick; or better yet, he should wear a sword in plain view, regardless of his actual skill. Probably won’t help against assassins, but you know who it might discourage rather effectively? Anybody who would gladly try to take advantage of a defenceless highborn youth and his beautiful companion, that’s who.

Training or no training - and Zitan obviously had some - nothing excuses this level of utter irresponsibility. Either Zitan is a total moron or he thinks that the capital is a land of love, peace and rainbows, which makes me wonder about his eyesight and hearing. As far as we know, Zitan has been raised in the very centre of the court and not pushed into some isolated corner, so what gives?

At least he tries to get Awu out of the way, even as becomes blatantly obvious that she’s not the main target. Bonus points for using his surroundings to hinder the attackers, I guess. But seriously, weapons are useful. And not so heavy that he could not hide one on his princely person.

Oh. We were to talk about the princes’ training or lack thereof, not about Zitan’s idiocy. Fine. It’s obvious they all got some form of training; Zitan can, ummm, shoot a bow without damaging himself, Potato is a surprisingly good archer as seen during the Hunt of Doom and Zilu can... handle a sword in a reasonable manner? Although I have no idea Zilu goes for a rapier-style thurst when Awu gets on his last nerve. That... doesn’t really make sense as a go-to move taking into account the type of weapon in use, Zilu’s state of mind and their respective positions. Oooh! I get it! Parrying a swing would require Zitan to actually do something other than just standing there like a sacrificial lamb! Right.

Anyway. As far as I can tell, all the princes got some theoretical lessons, a bit of practical training with weapons and that was... that? Perhaps not one of them had shown any great aptitude and therein lies the answer, but it doesn’t seem all that probable. For one, I am sure that Zilu strived to excel at all of his lessons. Potato - and isn’t this curious - seems really happy about doing outdoors stuff, even in the middle of an actual conspiracy with a non-zero chance of getting shish-kabobed by Xiao Qi. By the way, I don’t blame him for getting shot; it was unexpected, so. Zitan, well, Zitan was probably a lost cause from the very beginning.

The question is this: there are three princes, the imperial hold on Cheng’s army is slipping rapidly due to a myriad of factors, so why not take one of those princes and make him into a puppet general, regardless of actual competence? The final decision in this largely domestic matter lies with the Emperor, no matter how much the Xies and the Wangs may push and pull at court and through their respective imperial consorts. The obvious answer is that Daddy Emperor had learned his lesson during his own campaign for the throne. Not because he himself was an able commander, as I am sure he was not, but rather because of Jianning. Our Prince J might have been thrown into the army young and that’s where he got the resources and the audacity to stage his own attempt on the throne. Was Daddy Emperor fearful that a military-trained prince might stage a coup against himself? Maybe, maybe not. What is more probable is that the Emperor wanted to avoid a civil war after his death, which means that General Zilu was never an option. Creating a third viable candidate by giving the ‘lesser’ prince a ready-made army? No way. Wangs are The Worst and having a warrior-prince would mean that they could never be budged from their position of power. Sorry, Potato, no army for you. Now, logically reasoning, if Zitan was Daddy Emperor’s favourite and the prince he originally wanted as his heir, then Zitan should be given all possible help, right? So why wasn’t he taught any actual skills, whether in governance or in military matters?

The thing is... they might have tried. In episode 61, when Zitan asks his faithful pair of retainers if he would be able to best Xiao Qi, their first answer is not that he’s the Emperor so it’s a given. Well, that too, but the first, immediate response? You studied the art of war. Which, okay, might be a reasonable guess when it comes to any prince, but those retainers are rather young and only recently-promoted. Before their soujourn at the Imperial Mausoleum they probably served somewhere within the wider imperial household, but not close enough to any great personage to be knowledgeable about what the princes might or might not have studied. Also, that answer, should Zitan’s lessons be limited to his early childhood, would make them look like idiots or bootlickers of the worst sort. But let’s say that Zitan actually studied the art of war and did so longer than his brothers. Or, alternatively, with more famous masters. That would naturally be a subject of some talk, if only within the imperial household itself. If so, then the female retainer, who seems rather astute in general, gave the best answer she could give.

Let’s wrap it all up. What I think might have happened is that the two elder princes got blocked from pursuing any kind of military career by their father for purely political reasons. All princes got some basic training with weapons, although not enough to enable them to credibly defend themselves. Which, okay, not like they would ever need to do, because what are Imperial Mooks for. Potato might have pursued additional training in archery; he seems a rather avid hunter, which would read like a harmless enough pasttime even to a paranoid ruler. Zitan got additional lessons in the art of war, more in theory than practice. The first part didn’t stick, the second part he slipped out of, probably thanks to his soft-hearted mother. Concubine Xie really spoiled him, that’s pretty obvious going by the way they both behave about the matter of Zitan’s potential marriage. Besides, it’s not like a blue-blooded general actually needs to wave a sword himself. That would be positively plebeian. Strategy, theory, that’s what matters - that seems to be a prevalent view in the capital. Remember one Wei Kang...?

[strings-have-been-cut]

Building off that anger headcanon, what did you think of The Most Toys?

see the original post here

Buckle up. 

There are so many levels to this episode. It's very interesting that you would connect this one to anger - I’m sure many people do! As an audience member, I believe I'm meant to feel anger - outrage at how Data is treated, at the insufferable nature of Fajo, at all the unnecessary murders... but I don't believe Data would be inherently angry about any of it, at least not in the moment.

Data absolutely disapproves of Fajo's actions. He holds unique and historically significant artwork and inventions in very high regard. This is mentioned many times throughout the series, but the quote that comes to mind is in ‘Measure of a Man’ when he tells Maddox that something ‘unique and wonderful’ will be lost if Data himself is lost (I have a whoooole other lot of feelings about this conversation.) Fajo obviously appreciates the same things, he sees them as something to be possessed while Data believes they should be preserved and shared so others may learn from them. Aside from this, it is clear he acquired the objects the same way he acquired Data - illegally - which clearly Data disagrees with. 

Fajo seems to be just the sort of man Data strives not to be. He has no moral code and no regard for others. Fajo refuses to obey Federation law, shows no remorse at all for anything he’s done, and seems to be able to outsmart Data enough to prevent him from escaping. Already, this marks Fajo as an enemy of the Federation and someone Data may be forced to defend himself against.

“Captivity” was an accurate description. Not only is Data physically unable to leave the room, any silent protest results in Fajo threatening his employees. Allowing an innocent life to be taken on his behalf goes against his programming and moral code. He does not have the choice to kill Fajo for the force field around him, and I don't believe he would have anyway, especially not at the risk of harming someone else.

When Varria becomes involved he seems to have more of a reason to risk himself. She’s clearly being mistreated by Fajo and being used to blackmail Data into cooperation. When she asks him to take her with him, his first thought is to warn her of the possible consequences. He seems mainly concerned with her safety.

At no time does Data seem concerned with how he is being treated. He only says that he is being held against his wishes and that he does not desire to wear the purple outfit or to sit in the chair. He refers to his situation as "imprisonment" and "captivity", but does not protest being treated as an object or comment that the only other living thing in the collection is an animal. He does say to Fajo that “most intelligent lifeforms find involuntary confinement offensive and inequitable”, but doesn’t go beyond that. Basically, he knows it’s wrong, but doesn’t complain beyond reminding Fajo that what was happening would be wrong to anyone in his position. He doesn’t take it as a personal offense.

I think he is used to being viewed as an object. The number of times in his life he must have brushed off being called an object - if the entire second season of interactions with Pulaski isn’t proof enough - perhaps he just stopped arguing it. If he thought pointing out that he is a living being would have helped his case, he might have mentioned it, but in his conversation with Varia, a parallel is made between the two of them - Fajo "has them both". Not only is he aware that Fajo views him as an object, he does not think it's worth it to try and convince him otherwise. This seems to be a trend. He doesn't try to take the time to convince people of his personhood so long as they show him a semblance of respect. Maybe it is a battle he has spent too much time fighting and he doesn’t see a point anymore.

The final scene shows Data making the fire upon Fajo right before being transported, leading the audience to believe he has chosen to kill Fajo. I could see how some people might interpret this as anger. I always have taken Data's comment at face value. Just before being transported, he tells Fajo," I cannot permit this to continue." Several things could occur to him in this moment. If Fajo refused to turn himself over, he would most likely continue killing people for his own gain. He would continue to mistreat those in his debt. He could possibly kidnap other individuals and hold them against their will.

Do I believe Data was motivated by anger? No. I believe stopping Fajo was a choice made by the same logic he uses to employ the safety of others on a daily basis. I also believe his thoughts on the use of force have changed. At the start of the episode, he tells Fajo that he is "designed with a fundamental respect for life... and a strong inhibition against causing harm to living beings." I believe this evolves from "hurt no one" to an ideology similar to "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one". Data decides that the potential lives at stake are too important to allow risking Fajo's escape. 

Why he hides it from Riker, I don’t know. Maybe he believes he will be judged harshly for making the choice he did. Maybe he thinks Riker will not understand why he chose to do it and will assume it was a malfunction. Maybe he believes he came to the wrong conclusion and he should not have fired and sees this as an opportunity to amend his mistake. 

[itsclydebitches]

It might be the 2020 talking here, but the Mantle citizens being oppressed feels less like the fascism claim that gets thrown around and more like anti maskers angry at not being allowed to go outside and get eaten by grimm in retrospect. Power outage? I'll just go outside where I know the grimm are while in a bad mood instead of my home that has insulation, barricades, and/or a fireplace. Nothing can go wrong with that idea. Destroy those anti grimm robots too! We won't need those in a minute!

The issue with those “This is a fascism/police brutality allegory” arguments (despite the fact that it’s pretty clear RT wants that to be the interpretation. Here I’m talking about what we actually get on screen, not what the authors my have intended to create) is twofold: 

1. They fail to acknowledge the grimm as an objective, immediate, 100% indisputable threat that if not addressed will lead to the killing/eating of the populace. Unlike the various bigoted complexities surrounding the claim that other people are a threat to the populace in our real world, the grimm have no ethical questions attached to either the danger they present or how they should be dealt with. They will kill you. You should shoot them. That’s that. RWBY’s grimm have not been constructed as representations of misunderstood minorities/outsiders—they’re literal monsters and thus any precautions taken to keep them from attacking you is weighted towards being a good thing. (The caveat: Provided any technologies created in the pursuit of safety are not so deadly that they pose a threat to the people if they fall into the wrong hands which, as we’ve seen in RWBY’s story, is something Salem managed beautifully. There are ethical questions attached to when the “This may pose a threat later” outweighs “But it’s helpful right now,” but that’s not the issue we’re covering today. This is a “Yes there are grimm and yes you should take extreme measures to protect yourself because they are 1000% a deadly threat” acknowledgement).    

2. They fail to acknowledge that RWBY hasn’t done the work of showing how these measures are hurting the people. The embargo hurts them economically, absolutely, but that’s a separate issue from the military control Ironwood keeps over the kingdom in response to the grimm/Salem — the presumed oppression we’re discussing. When we talk about that kind of control in real life we acknowledge the very real repercussions it has, everything from “The armed forces in our streets resorted to shooting at us when we peacefully protested their presence” to “The armed forces in the streets deny us basic human rights.” In the real world measures like these are a threat, but we see none of this in RWBY. Are Ironwood’s forces maliciously attacking people without cause, demonstrating that their protection may not be worth the harm they cause? No. We just see them doing their job of fighting grimm, allowing civilians to escape in the process. Are they denying the people their right to go about their lives peacefully? No. The people we see are not hindered by these safety measures. There are only two details I can think of to potentially support this: the bot that takes pictures of the group without their consent (which in 2020 would work better as a commentary on big corporations/privacy concerns in the digital age) and the fact that the people aren’t allowed to go out late at night... but that just circles right back around to Point #1: there are monsters out on those streets that want to kill you. Things like RWBY’s curfew aren’t implemented as a way of hindering protesters and silencing people—as they have been in the real world—but as a very basic “It’s harder to keep you alive at night so please stay in your homes to not get eaten.” 

So though I’m always wary of drawing perfect 1:1 comparisons between the text and a real event (as you say, anon, there’s some 2020 feelings attached to all this lol)... yeah, I’d agree that how the show presents this conflict is much closer to our current Covid situation: 

Government: You’re not allowed outside right now, you need to wear a mask, there’s no travel, no gatherings larger than ten people 

People: You can’t do that! This is an infringement on my rights! You’re trying to keep me docile and complacent... can’t everyone see what’s happening? The government is trying to tell us what to do. Every modern action movie has taught you that’s automatically a bad, scary thing! 

Government: No I’m... trying to keep you from spreading/catching a deadly virus, which can only happen if everyone obeys some — at times very tough — but still necessary rules. This is logic you should have learned in kindergarten. Everyone needs to work together and clean up the play area, even if they don’t want to, so that someone doesn’t trip over a toy. Except now ‘Oops I’ve tripped’ is ‘Oops I’m dead/in need of a transplant/chronically ill for an undetermined length of time.’” 

People: This is anarchy 

Government: It’s really not. It’s just a shitty situation that you’re refusing to help make better

Fans who reduce Volume 7 to “Ironwood is evil for making Mantle do things they obviously hate” fundamentally don’t understand—or simply refuse to acknowledge—the kind of threat these characters face. It’s indeed similar to looking at something like this 

(Source) 

and insisting on interpreting it as a poor woman being tortured under the laws of her government. “Military in the streets” has downsides attached to it (even if RWBY fails to accurately show them) in a similar way to how “Getting a swab stuffed up into what feels like your brain” has downsides too... but those downsides have to be weighed against the reason for these procedures existing in the first place: grimm and Covid. 

Oh. These downsides are better than dying. 

There’s nothing wrong with continually striving to lessen those downsides, as well as continually questioning authority in an effort to ensure that the power they hold isn’t abused... but we can’t let those fears blind us to the fact that sometimes horrible events require less than stellar solutions. At least for a time. The entire point here is the reasons behind why these actions were taken and whether their implementation remains necessary. An army among civilians due to racism and corrupt officials is not comparable to an army among civilians due to a continuous attack by literal monsters. An army that remains long after it’s necessary is not comparable to an army used during the height of a fantasy war. The ill-considered argument of “The Mantle people are oppressed because they are forced to live alongside robots and they don’t like it” does indeed have similarities with something like, “The people are oppressed because they are forced to wear masks and they don’t like it.” In both cases the consequences of obeying these orders (as shown in RWBY) are incredibly minimal and the benefit provided is staggering. It admittedly doesn’t help that Ironwood’s presumed oppression of Mantle is conflated with the severe class disparity and racism — things that are embedded into Atlas’ history and are mostly outside of his control— but the overall takeaway is that the knee-jerk response of “You can’t tell me what to do” should never outweigh the initial questions of, “Why do you want me to do this? What are the downsides of doing this? And are they worse than the repercussions attached to not doing this?” In the case of both “Trying to protect civilians from endless grimm/a magically powered queen” and “Trying to protect people from a truly horrifying virus,” these questions have some very compelling answers. 

Basically, 

[puddygeeks]

Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 27: Mᴏᴏɴsʜɪɴᴇ Rᴇᴠᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴs

Masterlist

Episode: I Am Become Death

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for. 

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I wandered the ship, checking that all of the sick camp members were tended to before heading outside for the first time in almost 24 hours. I was relieved to feel the fresh breeze on my skin and arrived outside just as the camp celebrated the gates opening to reveal Monty and Jasper. I cheered loudly and waited at the end of the line of people who had gathered to congratulate them. As they walked, Jasper put an arm around Monty’s shoulders and I was pleased to see that the tension I’d noticed between them in the last few days seemed to be dealt with. I saw Octavia nod in acknowledgement to Jasper, and felt some residual nerves release inside me. I was pleased to witness peace returning to our small, makeshift family. As they reached the end of their victory greeting I strode over to meet them, maintaining my distance as I worried that I might still be contagious. 

“Well look at you two, my boys are heroes.” I chirped with a warm smile as I gazed between them. Despite my caution, they both surged forward to embrace me in a group hug and I laughed openly at their reaction. I squeezed them tightly and spoke quietly enough for only them to hear. “I’m so glad you two didn’t get sick, I don’t think I could’ve taken much more.” I breathed as I stepped back to view them both with relieved tears in my eyes. 

“We were really worried about you.” Jasper admitted quietly as he scanned me with worried eyes. “It sucked not being able to come in to check on you.” He admitted as his brows furrowed together and I smiled at his concern.

“I saw Bellamy on the way in, he’s looking better. And you and Octavia are good too. We’re all still kicking. Sounds to me like you can relax.” Monty suggested and I sighed, releasing tension from my shoulders that I hadn’t even realised I was still holding onto.

“Sounds like I can.” I remarked with an easy tone. “How did it go out there?” I enquired as I remembered that I still didn’t know what had happened.

“I’d like to say smoothly, but is that ever really the case?” Jasper joked as we walked further into the camp together. “Only this camp could decide that blowing up a bridge was the best plan.” He detailed and I raised my brows at him in stunned horror. Although I was relieved that they’d found a way of stopping the attack, I couldn’t believe that Finn had suggested something so insane. I made a mental note to myself not to trust him to be the rational voice for me again.

“It was pretty stressful all round.” Monty admitted. “If I’m honest, I’d say Raven was the big hero, she delivered the bomb even through the sickness.” He clarified and I snapped my attention to him.

“Raven’s sick?”  I asked as I glanced around the camp. I hadn’t seen her come back as I was too distracted with the boys and I felt a forming in my gut.

“Yeah, she looks like she’s in the thick of it.” Monty informed and I shuffled on the spot in concern. “From what I can tell, she’s pretty upset with Finn too and I’d say she has every right to be.” Monty added and I studied him with a smug smile.

“You are a gossip aren’t you?” I giggled and he shrugged awkwardly. I shook my head at him disapprovingly before glancing over to the dropship in concern. Raven and I had a turbulent relationship since she arrived, but I sympathised with her. If I’d risked everything to get to my boyfriend only to find that he was with someone else, I’d be pretty unpredictable too. I wandered to the ship and as I entered Finn stormed past with a devastated expression. I quickened my pace, worried that she had potentially died from sickness and was relieved when I found her safely lying in a hammock. She was quietly crying as I approached and I carefully pulled up a seat to settle beside her. 

“Hey, I heard there was a camp hero in here.” I drawled with a light smile in an attempt to lighten the heavy mood that was in the air and she clocked me in surprise. I moved from her side momentarily to fetch a damp cloth and gently wiped at her brow to soothe her. “Sounds like you’ve had a tough day.” I added softly and she started to cry again at my tender words. 

“You can say that again.” She whispered, before meeting my eyes with her large watery set. “I just broke up with Finn.” She admitted with tears freely rolling down her cheeks. I gazed at her with understanding and could hardly contain my sympathy for the unjust situation she’d found herself in.

“I’m sorry Raven, this whole situation has been shitty to you.” I commented as I wiped away her tears to comfort her. “I wouldn’t suggest it right now as we should be keeping you on the soft stuff whilst you’re so dehydrated, but once you’re better, I’m thinking you and I and a bottle of moonshine. We can talk all about how shitty Earth is.” I squeezed her hand as I spoke and she forced a tearful smile. I brought a drink of water, then wiped her face again and she started to drift off. I stayed to keep her company until she was soundly asleep.

I took the opportunity to check on Murphy now that he was lucid and in less pain. He was in a better state of mind for me to be able to properly treat his wounds and so I dedicated some time to him. He removed his shirt to reveal the full extent of his injuries and I flinched at the sight of his abused body. I spent a while cleaning each wound with moonshine whilst he grimaced and tried not to allow my pity to show. I gave my best attempt at thoroughly disinfecting the burn on his shoulder and dressed it, but it was difficult with our limited resources. Once I’d finished cleaning him up I retrieved a fresh shirt for him that wasn’t full of holes and he thanked me. He still obviously appeared to be badly beaten, but I’d done everything I could and I knew that I now had to just give his body time to heal.

When I left the ship it was dark and I felt a heavy exhaustion calling me to my tent. I dragged myself there slowly, practically collapsing face first into the blankets as soon as I entered. I was only there for a few minutes and had just started to doze when I heard a rustle at the tent door. I sat bolt upright and came face to face with Octavia.

“So this is where you’re hiding.” She stated as she glanced around awkwardly. I nodded in response and waited anxiously to see if she’d come here to argue again. We sat in silence for a few tense minutes whilst she silently seemed to struggle to decide if she could speak to me. “Look, I know a lot has been said between us and I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but I almost lost both my brother and my best friend today. I realised that you’d both die thinking that I hate you and I just need you to know that I don’t.” She revealed as she met my eyes with a tearful expression and I reached out to pull her into the tent so that I could hug her. I was so tired of the conflict that I embraced the first sign of peace as tightly as I could.

“I’m sorry that I yelled at you and I’m sorry if I made you feel that I was choosing Bellamy over you.” I whispered as I gripped her close to me and I felt her squeezing me in return. “You know how much I care for you, but I’ve come to care for him too and I’m really trying to do my best by both of you.” I divulged and realised that I no longer cared what I had to admit in order to fix the rift between us. When she sat back to face me, she smiled in understanding. 

“I know, I shouldn’t have put you between us, it wasn’t fair. I remembered today what was important to me and I don’t want to lose you.” She sighed deeply and I could recognise tension in her shoulders as she considered her words. “I’m glad that you’re honest with me, even when I don’t want to hear it. I’m sorry that I attacked you for that.” She clarified and I was immediately relieved by her words. Although she wasn’t hugging me anymore, we still stayed close in each other's space and her hands gripped my arms as if she was afraid to let go of me. “Can I stay here with you tonight?” She requested in a small nervous voice.

“Of course you can.” I breathed and I watched as tears slid down her cheeks. “Is something else going on?” I enquired with a growing concern in my chest.

“Lincoln is leaving, he asked me to go with him but I couldn’t. I belong here with all of you. I just had to say goodbye.” She struggled to get the words out between sobs and I pulled her into me. I laid back with her and wrapped her up in blankets, tucking her in beside me. We laid face to face and I reached out to brush away her tears. It was strangely nostalgic, we used to bundle up together like this whenever she could sneak into my room on the Ark to comfort each other. 

“I’m so sorry Tavi, I know you care about him.” I acknowledged and I could tell from her expression that my understanding of her feelings for him was a comfort for her. “God, it’s been a real day of it.” I muttered absent-mindedly and she scrutinised me in confusion. “Raven broke up with Finn earlier, I think she was sick of watching him make puppy dog eyes at Clarke.” I explained and for the first time I witnessed sympathy in her face for Raven. 

“I don’t blame her.” She sighed and her brows furrowed together as she reflected on the information. “I wish it was possible to not have feelings for anyone. As soon as you get involved with someone it just leads to hurt.” She grumbled and I nodded in agreement. She sat in thoughtful silence and I enjoyed being peacefully in her company again, feeling as if a part of me had returned to its rightful place. “I’m sorry for what I said about you being too scared to act on your feelings for my brother. That was uncalled for.” She offered and didn’t look at me as she spoke. I sighed deeply and felt my heart swell in appreciation for her apology.

“It’s alright.” I answered evenly and took a sharp breath before deciding that I needed to confide in her as much as she needed to confide in me. “I’m starting to believe you weren’t wrong.” I admitted solemnly and she grimaced.

“Well now I’m even more sorry.” She groaned with a remorseful expression. She then brought her eyes to mine and gave me a gently encouraging look. “What are you afraid of?” She questioned calmly before she fidgeted into a comfortable position and prepared herself to listen for the long haul. “Apart from the obvious fear of getting your heart stomped on, it’s not like this camp is giving you many examples of successful romance.” She smiled playfully, before returning to a serious expression. I thought about my answer for a while, trying to untangle the complicated web of feelings in my head. 

“I’m not sure, I guess being vulnerable or not in control?” I admitted, finding it difficult to navigate to the root of the problem.

“Hmm, those are both perfectly valid, healthy fears.” She commented with an understanding shrug. “The question is, don’t you think the payoff might be worth the risk?” She grilled and I considered her words. “Do you think you will live to regret not taking a chance at being happy with him? Because from what I’ve seen, you’re drawn to him and he’s equally drawn to you.” She explained earnestly, causing me to sigh deeply and close my eyes. 

“I...I don’t know how to...how do I know what he wants?” I thought aloud and when I opened my eyes, she was observing me with amusement dancing in her eyes.

“Well, next time you’re alone, try flirting a little and I’m sure he’ll tell you one way or another.” She answered with a smug smile and she couldn’t contain a slight giggle as I reached out to slap her arm playfully. She cleared her throat and forced herself back into a serious tone. “Surely he must have done something to indicate one way or another by now?” She suggested and I fidgeted awkwardly, before remembering one of her comments during our last fight about transparency. If I couldn’t be totally honest with her, then there was no one could I be honest with. 

“He asked me to stay with him.” I admitted in a quiet, mousy voice as I avoided her gaze. I felt her eyes grow wide but she held her tongue. “He was about to kiss me when I freaked out and left.” I added, squirming on the spot at the uncomfortable words. Octavia looked thoroughly gripped now, as if this was both the most exciting and painfully frustrating story she’d heard in a long time. 

“Why?!” She gasped before resting her face in both hands, propped up on her elbows to analyse me eagerly.

“I don’t know, I panicked.” I answered in a defensive manner, then I sighed and met her eyes with an excruciating vulnerability. “You know I’ve never been with anyone, I’ve not even been kissed. I don’t want my first time to be some meaningless night that he will throw aside like it’s nothing when he decides he’s interested in someone else.” I admitted with a niggling feeling of embarrassment. “I know it’s a totally different situation, but watching how my mum was abused...it’s left me with a strange fear of intimacy. I have no issue with people wanting to keep sex casual and light, but for me….I want it to mean something. I don’t want my body to just be used for someone to enjoy.” I confessed. I felt as if I had just both bared my soul to her and finally reached the truth of the issue for myself. She studied me in sympathy. 

“I get that, you don’t want to get used and thrown away.” She sighed and then her face fell into a reflective look. “I can’t speak for Bellamy, I don’t know what is going on in his head. But I can tell you that he cares about you and he treats you differently to anyone else in this camp. I really think there is something between you, but if you want to know for sure, you’ll have to speak to him about it.” She said in an attempt to give wise advice.

“That’s not the answer I wanted to hear.” I groaned, covering my face with my hands in embarrassment and she laughed.

“Or you can just take a chance with your feelings like the rest of us!” She added. “You can’t always be in control, and sometimes you have to risk being vulnerable. Your choice, my friend.”

We chatted wrapped up in the blankets together for hours, catching up on everything that had happened in the time we’d been fighting. She told me in detail about her first time with Lincoln and much to my embarrassment, every other time too. I mostly wanted the ground to open up and swallow me as she covered the events with a microscope. I couldn’t deny that it helped to know that she’d experience a similar anxiety in being with someone for the first time and it still turned out fine. She badgered me to tell her the whole story of what happened in Bellamy’s tent until I finally agreed. Although she covered her face in embarrassment over thinking about her brother that way, she sympathised with my awkwardness. We laughed, shared our tears and eventually fell asleep bundled up in blankets together.

***

I woke early the next morning to find the camp practically empty except for the few people who were still on guard duty. I grabbed a simple breakfast from our supplies and refilled my water canister as I searched for a spot to eat. I noticed one of the exhausted guards staring out into camp as if he were waiting for someone and quickly discovered that the next person had failed to turn up for their switch over. I volunteered to cover so that they could get some well earned sleep and made my way to the spot on the edge of the woods that they had been guarding.

Although I took guard duty seriously, we hadn’t seen any activity in days and I ate my rations whilst scanning the trees. I wasn’t sure for how long I sat out there, staring into the unmoving woods and I found a sudden appreciation for the people Bellamy had assigned to do this on a daily basis. I watched the sun rising higher into the sky, wishing that it would bring us warmer weather instead of continuing to punish us with frigid temperatures. 

Something moved in the trees and I bolted to my feet. I held my breath as I stared out, praying that I had simply imagined it. The forest was painfully quiet and I kept perfectly still to not create any sound. A few seconds later, I heard something rustling followed by footsteps and my stomach dropped. I glanced back at the camp to consider calling for help but I didn’t want to cause alarm unnecessary.

Reluctantly, I pulled out my pistol and pointed it at the trees. I fell into stance as Bellamy had taught me, frantically reviewing the training session in my mind. I crept through the trees at an agonisingly slow rate, approaching the spot where I’d last seen the movement with a growing pit of anxiety in my stomach. I couldn’t decide if this was the correct thing to do and I hoped that it was simply an animal, but the fear inside me continued to imagine grounders leaping out at any moment.

I caught movement as I neared and jumped in reaction. I had to force myself to take a slow, steadying breath as I crept closer to the spot and was relieved to find nothing there. I lowered the gun and sighed in relief as I turned to return to my post. Suddenly, I came face to face with a female grounder who whacked me in the head, causing me to drop onto my hands and knees. I quickly rolled sideways to avoid the next hit and once on my back, I scrambled frantically backwards until I crashed into the tree.

Desperate pants wracked my chest as the grounder stepped closer with her spear raised up and I realised I had dropped the gun.  I glanced over to see that it was out of my reach and my terrified mind provided no suggestions on what to do. The grounder inched into my space and I held my breath as my body shook all over. They seemed to be considering me, analysing my face with a disbelieving interest. For whatever reason, they had paused their attack and I finally forced myself out of my frozen state. I reached behind me for the dagger in my belt and held it out in front of me defensively. 

Before either of us could act, the sound of gunfire interrupted from behind me and a bullet flew past the grounder. She startled, jumping away from me and I sprung to my feet, continuing to hold the knife in front of me. She stared at me for a few moments longer with a reluctant expression until voices called out to me, causing her to turn and disappear into the trees. I stayed rooted to the spot in confusion, too frightened to move. I could hear rushed footsteps as several other guards ran over to me and I heard Bellamy’s frantic calls seconds before he appeared at my side.

“Indigo, what happened? Are you hurt?” He breathed as he grabbed my face to check me over, before then running frantic hands over my body to search for injuries.

“No...I-I’m fine.” I stuttered, coming back to my senses at the sight of his worried face. “There was a grounder, she ambushed me.” I detailed in a dazed manner.

“Where is she now?” He growled as he scanned the area with a furious expression.

“The gunshots scared her off.” I explained, staring out in the direction that she left for any sign of her. “I don’t know why but...she just stopped attacking.” I revealed, still processing my thoughts and Bellamy looked confused as he studied me closely.

“Why would they do that?” He questioned, seeming every bit as bewildered as I felt and I shrugged back at him. “What were you even doing out here?” He investigated and his tone implied that I was in trouble. 

“I was guarding camp, someone didn’t turn up for their watch.” I answered, glancing back to see the other guards that had come to my rescue spreading out to comb through the woods.

“You’re not a guard Indie.” He fixed me with an annoyed expression and I could tell that he wasn’t impressed. He noticed the pistol on the ground and bent to scoop it up, before handing it back to me. “Don’t let me find you out here again. Come on, let’s get you back to camp.” 

***

I kept myself busy in camp for the next few days, helping to rebuild after the chaos of the virus. We continued to reinforce our protections and all of the brainiacs worked night and day to try to come up with creative ways to use the limited supplies that we had. I found it challenging to concentrate on anything properly, as I obsessed over the strange actions of the grounder. I couldn’t fathom any reason why she would stop attacking and it was only made more bizarre by the absence of any follow up attack. 

By the second evening, I realised that Raven hadn’t left her tent at all in days. I knew that she likely needed a distraction as much as I did, so I grabbed some moonshine directly from Monty’s latest batch, entering her tent with a wicked smile.

“Hey little miss workaholic, can I interest you in some good old fashioned sorrow drowning?” I suggested as I waved the bottle at her enthusiastically. She glanced at her work space, then back at me and shrugged. 

“Fuck it, let’s do it.” She smiled at me with a hint of mischief and I was relieved to see that she hadn’t lost her humour. 

For my first drinking experience I took it slow, but Raven downed the cups with no hesitation. She told me the whole story of her and Finn, and I called him every name I could think of in my mildly drunk state. I’d only had a few drinks, but it was enough to loosen my lips on any topic. We enjoyed petty gossip and bitched about many frustrating members of camp, laughing ourselves into a stupor. I sighed in contentment. 

“Seriously Raven, I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but I really think you did the right thing. You’re too good for Finn.” I slurred and she smiled at my words.

“You know, I really think I just need to fuck him out of my system.” She replied, taking a long sip of moonshine and I cackled at her bluntness.

“You do whatever you need girl, he’d have no right to comment.” I rallied in support of her plan and definitely blamed that on the drink.

“Bellamy’s been quite interesting around me recently.” She commented and I felt a knot growing in my stomach. “Are you still happy for me to climb that tree, or did you finally take up climbing yourself?” She asked with a sly expression and I froze in horror as I tried to think of an answer. Even in my drunk, honest state I didn’t know what to say to that question. “I’m kidding, I don't have any interest in other people’s men, that’s Clarke’s department.” She added and I almost choked on my drink as I snorted in laughter.

“You’re even more of a savage than I first realised!” I breathed, feeling moonshine pouring from my nostrils as I wiped my face. “I love it.” I confirmed with a playful wink and she rolled her eyes at me. 

“God are you really going to ignore the most important part of that?” She groaned, peeking at me in annoyance. “I know he’s your man, I'm just dying to hear you admit it!” She probed insistently and I fidgeted under her scrutiny. 

“I don’t know if I can consider him ‘my man’ when we haven’t even kissed.” I admitted, feeling a rosy blush spreading over my cheeks at my involuntary honesty.

“What? Why?!” She gasped as she stared at me in disbelief. “He is so into you he may as well have it tattooed on his forehead.” She cackled and punched me playfully on the arm. “And if you’re shy you can always let him make the first move, he doesn’t seem to have any problem taking girls back to his tent from what I’ve heard.” She sipped her drink and glanced at me judgmentally.

“It’s not that easy.” I groaned. “I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m nervous. I’m not like you, I can’t just walk up to him and be like ‘hey why don't you take me back to your tent and ravage me?’” As I got the last words out, we descended into a fit of laughter that lasted for a long while. By the time we stopped, I was clutching at my sides and Raven was crying.

“Oh god, you have no game!” Raven snorted, before forcing herself to speak evenly again. “I’m not that confident either, not really. The most important thing, especially the first time, is the illusion of confidence. There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and is determined to get it.” She advised and I stared back at her in amused disbelief.

“The problem is, I didn’t know what I wanted when it counted most.” I sighed and she tilted her head at me. “He already tried to make the first move and I ran out of there like the tent was on fire.” I admitted, noticing that this was significantly less embarrassing to discuss with the addition of alcohol. Raven visibly facepalmed in reaction. “Look, I didn’t want to be just another conquest. If I’m gonna be with someone, I want it to mean something.” I added defensively and she shrugged. 

“Then make sure that he knows you are the best he’s going to get. Keep him coming back for more.” She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and I snorted in laughter. “Next time you see him, just walk up to him, grab his shirt, pull him down to you and kiss him until he can’t breathe. I personally guarantee you that he’ll do the rest.” She winked at me and then made finger guns, causing herself to snort at her own hilarity.

“Yeah, right.” I chucked under my breath, rolling my eyes at her.

“Indie, you just need to get that man into bed before he stops trying with you.” She warned, downing the last of the moonshine and fixing me with an analysing look. “Anyway, now that Bellamy’s off the table, I need to figure out who to bone Finn out of my system with.” She thought aloud. I sniggered in response, enjoying her frank attitude. I always knew with Raven that what you see is what you get and after all the drama and lies recently, I appreciated that about her. 

“You know, you and Jasper have pretty good chemistry.” I suggested causing her to smile deviously.

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

There’s More To Her #6

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Preparing a Date

Twenty four hours after Akash's grand declaration of a first date, Akash found himself in his brother's cabin as the latter looked flipped through lookbooks.

"Pathetic," Arnav murmured, mentally listing out the fifth set of people to be fired. The new designs were not only unambitious, they were an exact replica of Sabyasachi's fall bridal collection. Clearly he was hiring the wrong people off late.

Akash made himself industrious, pacing left to right within the circular walls of Arnav's cabin.

"Akash, if you were to exercise in silence, may I know what you're doing in my cabin?" Arnav murmured, without looking up from the photographs. Akash sat in front of Arnav, shutting the files close.

"What the-"

"It's my first date."

---

"I know Khushi, you are forgetting that I was present when Akash ji asked me out for a date." Payal mused. Somehow Khushi was more excited than Payal for her own date. Out of happiness Khushi had cooked an extra batch of jalebis and given them off for free in the morning at the store and ended up retelling a story instead of tutoring the kids.

Khushi kept the money box aside and climbed up on the bed next to Payal. She grabbed her sister's hands and squealed.

"I know Jiji, but this is like a romantic picture." Khushi sighed, lying her head on Payal's lap, "But not like a Hindi film, more like those English ones!" She said. Payal chuckled and tapped Khushi's head. Khushi got up and frowned.

"What Jiji, aren't you even a bit excited?" Payal could only blush in response, "Oh ho, I see..." Khushi giggled.

"Shut up. But Khushi, you've seen more films than me and you also know more about all this romance shomance than me. Where should the first date be?" Payal asked.

"Why should you decide that? According to the first laws of Hindi cinema dating, Akash ji should worry where to take you out!" Khushi proclaimed.

--

"And that is the problem Bhai, where do I take Payal?" Akash asked. Arnav took his file back from Akash.

"Why are you asking me, do you have to get married to Payal or me?" Arnav shrugged. Akash rolled his eyes and took the file away from Arnav, again.

"Bhai, obviously I want to marry her. But I'm asking you because you have more experience with dating and-" Arnav raised an eyebrow, daring Akash to speak about love, "-I mean, Bhai, where do I take her for the perfect experience?"

"All right, let me stop you there." Arnav sighed, "First thing, don't strive for perfection. Relationships need to be based on effectiveness and common grounds. If you try too hard, or too differently, you'll be telling Payal a whole different story about you. Then don't come running to me that you guys are having compatibility issues because you're the one giving her false impressions in the first place."

Akash stared at his brother. This was the longest he had ever spoken to him, and this includes their childhood.

"So do you think I should ask Payal for advice?" Akash asked.

Arnav struggled between palming his face and gawking at his brother.

"So you want to ask Payal, where to take her, as a surprise, to her first date?" Akash nodded, completely missing Arnav's point.

--

"Khushi! Ab kya?" Payal stared at Akash's text message.

"What? What!" Khushi gasped, the second 'what' dedicated to the message on Payal's phone. Akash had... asked Payal where she wants to be taken on a first date that should be a surprise?

"Hey Devi Maiya, by living with his brother Akash ji has also become like him!" Khushi grumbled.

She turned to Payal and grabbed her shoulders, shaking the bashful smile off Payal's face, "Jiji, the second rule of dating is that the first date should be a surprise! S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E! Now if you do all the planning with him, then who will be surprised? Me! Arnav ji?" Khushi wailed.

"Actually it's not a bad idea. If we both plan together then it'll be just the way we want it to be. And we can also learn many things about each other." Payal said, unaware of Khushi's sinking heart.

To her agony, Payal and Akash were derailing from her epic Hindi-film romance. They left Hollywood right about when Akash messaged her.

"Terrific idea Jiji," Khushi threw her hands in the air, her anger lost on an optimistic Payal.

--

"Excellent." Arnav deadpanned on seeing the text message that Akash sent Payal.

"Thank you Bhai," Akash smiled. Arnav pinched between his brows. Of course, Akash wouldn't get sarcasm. For all the maturity in the world, his brother was quickly turning into a lost cause in the case of dating.

"Nevermind," Arnav took a deep breath and addressed Akash, "What's the most important place for the both of you?"

Akash answered without missing a beat.

"Lakshmi Nagar bazaar."

--

"WHAT?" Khushi choked on her jalebi, staring at her moon eyed sister.

"What what? That's where it all happened. We first met, he bought my dupatta, vegetables - potatoes! - a diya, all from this market." Payal murmured, her cheeks red as she recalled her favorite moments.

Khushi, on the other hand, clutched her heart in pain. This was worse than she expected.

"Jiji, your whole love story happened in Lakshmi Nagar bazaar?" Khushi asked.

"Nahi-" Khushi breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank-"

"It also happened in Happy Ji's garage."

--

"What the fu- garage?" Arnav winced in distaste. Akash nodded, smiling his thirty two pearly whites.  Of course, recreating Akash and Payal's first moments for their first date was out of the question.

"Why are you so surprised? Where else could it be?" Akash asked.

"Anywhere, abandoned buildings, your car, this office or let's make this easy... house - yours or hers!"

--

"Really?" Payal scoffed.

"Yes Jiji, now you and Akash ji can't hold a candlelit dinner at a vegetable stall, right?" Khushi explained, as if she were speaking to a five years old kid and not a sister who was older to her by five years.

"And you both can't have your first date in his house, nor in ours - unless you want Bua ji's presence." Khushi ducked the pillow Payal threw her way.

"So, according to you the mandir, dargah, pedh, jungle or dhaba is the place for a first date?" Payal asked.

"Haven't you heard? Jungle main mangal? And you even met Akash ji in the mandir and by the tree in Ber Sarai." Khushi smiled.

"Khushi, Akash and I are to meet for our first date, not head to our pilgrimage." Payal shot back.

"Kya Jiji!"

--

"Bhai, are you serious?" Akash asked.

"Have I ever been anything else?" Arnav countered. True, Arnav was infamous for his seriousness. Yet, he was equally infamous for his humor and one wouldn't ever know if Arnav was cutting a joke with him or at his expense.

"You think I should take Payal home, or to this office... or an abandoned building for our date?" Akash chuckled.

"Better than a market." Arnav stated.

"I think I should call Khushi ji, she knows Payal and above all, she has more EQ than both of us combined." Akash stood and pulled out his phone. Arnav ignored him and sat back in his seat to review the designs for the next calendar shoot.

Akash turned and assessed his brother for a quick second. No one could say that ten seconds ago Arnav was between laughing and exploding on learning about Akash's unconventional trips to see Payal.

"Bhai, I think you're the one who's weird." Arnav graced his statement with narrowed eyes.

"Why would anyone associate romance to abandoned buildings?" If Akash had not turned away to call Khushi, he would not have missed the look of pure terror and agony flit across his brother's face.

Of course Akash wouldn't understand. He wasn't in the guesthouse, pressed against the woman who had thunderous eyes and the softest lips. He wasn't the one struck by lightning. Subconsciously Arnav grazed the flesh of his palm where her broken bangle had pierced through. Agony gave way to denial, and Arnav reached out for his files, flipping through them without seeing them.

--

"Khushi, you're really Sanka Devi! Do you think that this is Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak? That we'll go to the jungle, get lost-"

"-How romantic!" Khushi gleed, already imagining the imaginary songs her sister and potential brother in law would dance to. That is, if Akash and Payal would move beyond practically figuring out how to get out of the jungle.

"Yeah, and all I need is for Akash to fight some goons for me?" Payal drawled, having suffered several cheesy hindi films with Khushi, "And he and I have to pretend we're husband and wife, right? There goes our first date-."

In our fight we seemed to have forgotten that today we got married. Khushi stiffened, her mind assailing with several memories. Khushi, are you ok? To her horror, each memory had grown fonder in time.

"Why do you say that?" She asked, her words devoid of all the joy.

"Aur kya, if this isn't your typical Salman, Aaamir or any Khan love story then what is it?" Payal chuckled, tidying up the bedroom.

"So this can't happen in reality?" Payal paused at her question and sat next to Khushi. Her little sister still seemed to believe in the stories. Her face was crestfallen and Payal mentally smacked herself. She put a pillow on her lap and put Khushi's head down.

"You know, maybe it can," Payal smiled, in a soft, sing-song tone and gently played with Khushi's hair. Khushi gripped on the blanket, her heart thudding painfully against her ribs.

"And you know what, the day we see a couple like this we'll get them married, deal-" Khushi shot up from Payal's lap. Payal's smile fell at Khushi's horrified face. She gently cupped Khushi's cheek.

"Khushi, what happened?" Never had Payal seen Khushi so terrified. A sister before a lover, Payal's focus shifted rapidly from her own date to Khushi's engagement.

"Chutki," - an endearment Payal only used to soothe Khushi's darkest fears - "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Khushi choked out and to her luck, her phone rang at the exact moment, stopping Payal from digging further.

"Ji Akash ji," Payal watched as Khushi's smile fell into place. As days passed it was getting more difficult for Payal to realise when Khushi smiled, versus when she was happy.

Nowadays there seemed to be a difference between the two.

---

Next Chapter

A/N: I hope you liked this update! Thank you for all the notes <3 This story will bite the dust in not two but more (hence I should never promise story lengths!) but I’m really looking forward to your notes! 

Thank you for your time and for reading. Don’t hesitate to chat - I love to speak! 

Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak is a classic Hindi 90s romantic film where the leads get lost in the jungle - much like our dear Arnav and Khushi.

Love,

S

P.S: Also read it on: Wattpad

[horde-princess]

I honestly can see a very korrasami-esque ending for Catra and Adora. It’s totally obvious by now that Noelle meant for them to be romantic and that she would like to end with them on a romantic route. Unfortunately, I don’t know if DW will be onboard for something very “in your face”. So I can totally see them doing a korrasami ending but making it a bit more obvious that it’s romantic.

i know ive always said “they will definitely absolutely kiss no doubt in mind” but now that we’re at the end i think i should actually take the time to discuss this more… i’m what you might a call a realistic optimist because i choose to have faith but i’m not ignorant to the realities of the situation you know? so buckle up this is going to be a long and probably unpleasant ride lmao

to be real, going into the last season I’m trying to not let myself have too many expectations with catradora. I do 100% fully expect that their relationship will be shown to be explicitly romantic by the end, but unfortunately, yes, its possible that they may not kiss. i’m at peace with that and i hope this post helps you guys see my thinking and come to terms with it too

obviously i dont understand all the underlying mechanisms of producing a tv show. i do know that dreamworks has hardly been a progressive studio in terms of lgbt representation. there are a lot of factors that would go into a decision about whether to allow a lesbian kiss in one of their projects, not least the fact that She-Ra is a reboot. having said all that, i’m still optimistic and there IS evidence in favor of a kiss that i think is worth talking about! 

thinking about where to start with this discussion on Dreamworks vs. lgbt representation, Voltron came to mind. i’ve never seen the show but a quick google search brought me to this Geekdad article from an interviewer who did an investigation into Voltron’s lgbt rep failure and Dreamworks’ role in that. he argues that a lot of the blame belongs with the showrunners, because Dreamworks does at least provide resources and diversity consultants to help showrunners make respectful lgbt content, but the Voltron crew didn’t make use of them. the issue was not that Dreamworks actively blocked lgbt rep but rather that the studio did not work to ensure quality representation from the showrunners. which is a huge difference.

i dug a little deeper and found a transcript of an interview with the showrunners where they talk about the red tape they encountered, and what they say seems to implicate Voltron’s intellectual property holder as opposed to the Dreamworks studio itself. it sounds like Dreamworks’ hands were tied because the showrunners did not hold all the legal rights to the story.

of course we know IP is also an issue with She-Ra. however, correct me if i’m wrong, but I believe Mattel (the Masters of the Universe toy line) sold its property rights to NBCUniversal (Dreamworks’ parent company) a couple of years ago. this doesn’t mean all ties are cut with the original IP holder, but i think its safe to assume that She-Ra has some more wiggle room than Voltron did when it comes to the showrunners’ vision/creativity. especially because Mattel has been known to be pro-lgbt.

an interesting quote from Joaquim Dos Santos (voltron producer) was that after season 7, “She-Ra was in development within the studio and I think the studio was just sort of beginning to open its eyes to the possibilities of there being [lgbt] representation in their shows and there not being a huge public backlash for it.” 

Also, in a different interview they said “to Dreamworks’ credit, I think the tide started changing internally” regarding the studio’s outlook on lgbt rep around the time that seasons 7/8 were in production.

so in addition to potential IP issues, Dreamworks is obviously concerned about their reputation and losing money. however we can gather from these quotations that (due to recent cultural shifts in the U.S.) Dreamworks has felt comfortable making efforts in the last few years to distribute more/better lgbt rep.

you also have to consider that Dreamworks KNEW what they were getting into with hiring Noelle. it’s hard to know whether lgbt representation was the vision for the show from the beginning or whether Noelle brought it with her (tho it seems like the latter). but either way, the studio must have been actively seeking to improve their lgbt representation because i’m sure she made her vision clear from the very beginning.

There’s a great article where Noelle talks about the fight to include lgbt rep in She-Ra:

“When you’re aiming to tell a story like that, you have to get everyone who’s working on the show, whether on the crew, or at the executive level, to believe in that world as well. It’s all part of trying to create the type of world in real life that you’re creating in the show. While I hope it comes across in a natural way in the show, it’s something you have to constantly fight for. You can’t take it for granted. I never take it for granted. It’s a really important thing to fight for, and a lot of it is just, “Trust me, this is gonna work. Believe in me. I can pull this off.” I am really fortunate to work with executives who do believe in me and who have allowed me to do a lot with this show. I’m very fortunate for that.”

So that is awesome to hear!! It wasn’t a tug-of-war situation with Noelle having to make concessions for execs who didn’t believe in her vision. She says the studio was supportive. But I think only time will tell us what the definition of “a lot” is.

Okay so, whew, that was a lot of information. i’ll be amazed if anyone actually reads this far lmaoo 😂 anyway i wanna move away from logistical stuff and talk about some other things Noelle has said about her show.

geekdad did another great interview with Noelle (and a Dreamworks PR representative!! it’s a good read) where he asked “if you wanted to depict a same gender relationship with foreground characters, do you think we’re at that stage yet in children’s animation where you could? Or do you think we still have a ways to go?”

Noelle replies “I think that remains to be seen, and I think… that’s something that–you should watch the show. You should see the storylines that we pursue in the future.”

When asked about catradora’s romantic undertones, “just keep watching” is something Noelle has said repeatedly in many different interviews. She wouldn’t say that if there wasn’t going to be a payoff at the end. It’s obvious she’s not at liberty to discuss the ending of the show, you can tell she’s always extremely careful with her wording when she’s faced with questions like this. But she consistently expresses, as a lesbian herself, that she has created a show she expects her own community will be excited about. Whatever actually happens, Noelle doesn’t believe that She-Ra will let us down 😌

Shes also mentioned that she’s grateful for shows like Steven Universe and Adventure Time that were trailblazers before She-Ra, because every successive show has the opportunity to be a little bit more progressive than the shows that came before it. We all have to continually strive to push the envelope and demand more inclusivity. If it turns out that that’s all She-Ra is–a small step towards quality representation–then yes of course it will feel like a massive waste (just because this story Noelle created is so incredible), but we’ll have to remember that the show is still playing a very important role in the history of children’s media. Even without a kiss, She-Ra has made incredible strides in lgbt rep. what i would hate to see is people complaining (god forbid calling it “queer baiting”) if there isn’t a kiss. Noelle and the crew have worked on this show tirelessly and passionately and we can’t yell at them for something they had no control over. the only people we should hold accountable are Dreamworks/Mattel. so i agree with you there anon.

Personally, at this point, I’m just here for the ride because i trust Noelle Stevenson with my life and She-Ra is the best show i’ve EVER seen. and i’m gonna keep talking about catradora kissing because