#and now i'm also angry
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Went hunting for medical bots, also found porn bots... The war is far form over, guys
#i'm kind of sex repulsed#and now i'm also angry#how dare they#ugh#fucking gross#in the ace tag too#asexual#ace
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anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...
#not a shitpost#serious post#ask to tag#tw trauma#cptsd#c-ptsd#and if so we should TALK about it#because it means there are a whole group of survivors out there whose mental health regularly worsens during holidays#like i know i am most certainly not the only person who feels an undefined Dread hanging over christmas/my birthday/july 4 etc#bc too many shitty things happened during those times and now my brain is hypervigilant bc traditionally these are the Danger Times#and this seems like it would be particularly common for survivors of abusive/dysfunctional households (aka most people with c-ptsd)#because holidays/vacations typically mean 1) the whole family is together/being forced to interact#2) and undergoing external stressors e.g. travel/relatives aka 'outsiders' visiting/routines & coping mechanisms being interrupted etc#3) there is social pressure for this to be a Fun Family Bonding Experience which only highlights the cracks in the foundation#and exposes the common Everything Is Fine/We Are A Happy Family lie#4) the cognitive dissonance of feeling tired/anxious/stressed/afraid during a time when you are 'supposed' to be Making Good Memories#and then everyone is angry/tired/anxious/triggered and things boil over and something or someone goes Very Wrong#weird that i'm posting this in october when halloween is...sort of the ONLY holiday i have only good and happy feelings towards#i got lucky there#also i have positive feelings towards Labor Day but that's for socialist reasons
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Blind side (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Papyrus#Gaster#Sans closing his good eye every once in a while and keeping his blind eye open - obviously he does so in-game as well so it's a style-match#It's just interesting in the context of him being textually-confirmed blind in Handplates hehe#There's a level of vulnerability there! Not more than closing both eyes around someone - and potentially also distrust!#''I'm baring myself blind right now but /you/ don't need to know that'' - it suits him ♪#Especially when he does it around Papyrus! Because obviously Papyrus knows about his partial blindness#But when he's trying to be duplicitous - the way he looks at him sidelong with his blind eye when he's trying to lie unsuccessfully ugh <3#And again-again it being about how much he trusts Papyrus! That he can be a little lazy or spacey and Papyrus will help him!#Also something about his entire right side being impaired - pawing around with his plated hand for something he can't see on that side#The dynamics! Internal and external! Very good like them lots#And then there's Gaster lol ♪ Throw him into the mix I'm sure it won't make a mess at all haha#I guess he's visiting? Just spacing out - he and Sans have a lot on their minds - separately haha#I do love how Sans pushes Gaster to be kind to Papyrus - very deservedly! He wants Papyrus to be happy of course#And he's obviously still angry with Gaster a lot but how might that present itself when Papyrus is Papyrus at Gaster hehe#Even just in that small jokey way of ''you tryin' to step on my turf?'' hehehe#Especially since the comparison wouldn't even come up if he had two functioning eyes hm?? Right Gaster???? Lol#Speaking of that scene and Sans' partial blindness tho ughhughuhg <3 <3 The fact that Sans stands with Gaster to his blind side#It's the vulnerability/distaste/confidence of it all! He's grown up so much it's all right there in how he holds himself#That he either trusts Gaster enough not to attack him - starting to believe him - or that he has enough faith in himself to protect himself#And only looking at him with his peripherals unless he looks directly at him hghhhgh I am Normal about shot composition I swear lol#Also I like how that last panel turned out lol - Sans just appears at the bottom of the steps like how's it going. care to gtfo thx
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This week one of my coworkers said to me "you have a really strong sense of morals and want everything to be done the right way which sucks for you personally but is a net benefit for everyone else around you" and I think I should put that on my resume
#living up to my keladry of mindelan/tiffany aching ideals I guess#an acquaintance asked me what I was doing this weekend and i said going to costco to make care packages for my neighbors#and she said 'oh you're so nice' and I said no I'm not. I don't even like those people#then she laughed at me#life's hard when you want to fix stuff not because you're a particularly nice person#but because injustice and things being Wrong makes you angry#while I had my quibbles this bit of the scholomance series was deeply relatable#unfortunately this trait is also why I am in charge of everything at work now
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I like the general fandom trend to just take the plot of Hyrule Warriors as a loose guideline at best and just use the whole concept as a good excuse to get blorbos to interact across timelines, BUT I'm very disappointed that everyone is missing the comedic potential of a very specific squad of characters:
Young Link (aka Mask), who walks out of the nightmare of Majora's Mask and immediately gets portal kidnapped into a temporal war, takes one look at the whole mess and decides that you could not fucking pay him to admit to being the resident expert on Time Shenanigans. He introduces himself with the title of Hero of Termina, and definitely doesn't have any other ones, that would be crazy. Hero of Time? Never heard of him.
Tetra, who is a kickass pirate captain with zero patience for people trying to shove her into the Designated Princess role, and realizes immediately that Oh Fuck, this Hyrule has a lot of Ideas about how the Hero and the Princess are supposed to properly play their parts, the second they realize she's technically a Zelda they're gonna shove her in a goddamn dress and damsel her again, that's not happening. So she's definitely just a really cool pirate captain, nothing else going on here at all, definitely not the heir of the Hylian royal family in her time, that'd be crazy.
Ravio, who is literally just a palette swapped Link, meaning that the second his hood comes off, things are gonna get Awkward. There's no way in hell he's dealing with all that Hero baggage, that's Link work, so that giant bunny hood/mask is practically superglued to his head, and he's not taking it off for love or money.
Spirit Tracks Zelda, who is just in the Phantom Armour the whole time, and passing herself off as just a friendly ghost posessing a suit of armour to help the Hero of Spirits. Of course she isn't Princess Zelda, that's ridiculous, if she were a Zelda then people would start getting really weird about her technically being dead, and boy does that ever sound like a whole Thing she doesn't want to deal with, so she can't possibly be Zelda, she's just a nice ghost knight. Also, her teenage grandma is here, and that's kinda weird, so it's easier to just not admit to being royalty and avoid that awkward conversation.
Finally there's Sheik, who is not the Princess Zelda of the era straight up abandoning her war torn country for months at a time so she can risk her life in extreme cosplay for no clear reason, but is instead the actual Sheik from Ocarina of Time, who just beat Ganondorf like a month ago and is still trying to process what the fuck to do now. Also, he's been pretending to be a boy since he was ten, and is realizing there's a pretty good chance that he isn't pretending anymore, so that's a whole other can of worms. But for the last seven years of his life, being Princess Zelda meant certain death, so he's not really inclined to introduce himself like when in a new and stressful situation (not to mention he might actually just not be a girl named Zelda anymore), so he automatically introduces himself as just Sheik the spooky ninja man, and fuck he's in too deep to back out now, looks like he's committing to the bit. If you think you sense the Triforce of Wisdom on him, no you don't.
Cue shenanigans as the five of them attempt to hide that they're all actually kind of A Big Deal. The group motto is "Nobody says shit", which is usually delivered as a frantic hiss whenever someone slips up. Just the reunion between Sheik and Mask alone would be absolutely buckwild given how they parted, and how they're both frantically pretending to Not be involved with each other. For added hilarity and/or drama, Sheik gives his semi-bullshit cover story of having just been a friend of the Hero of Time, then runs into said Hero of Time and they both have to desperately pretend not to know each other, because if anyone picks up on the mountain of baggage between them then Mask is busted, and he won't hesitate to drag Sheik down with him out of sheer spite. Not to mention the weird balance of Sheik being used to this Link being a teenager that's actually a small child, and now has to adjust to Link who is a small child that's actually a teenager.
Also, i really feel like we're all missing out on the comedy potential of Ganondorf recognizing Young Link on sight and the two of them immediately launching into a grudge match with some extremely personal and specific insults on both sides. Meanwhile literally everybody else is just standing there watching, trying to process the fact that out of every single person that's been pulled out of time, Ganondorf only has personal beef with a literal nine year old.
I just feel like we're all really sleeping on the potential for Shenanigans here. The whole thing is an absurd mess, why not have some fun with it?
#legend of zelda#hyrule warriors#for the record im picturing the sheik-mask reunion as being the spiderman pointing meme for like five minutes#also my mental image of sheik is extremely Bad haircut (he does it himself with a knife and doesnt care about making it even)#and a ridiculous tanline across his face from wearing a mask all day#OOT magiaclly growing out zelda's hair and manifesting a Royal Gown was some top tier bullshit and i'm always angry about it#like dude. literally all of princess zelda's finery was made for a ten year old#she's like eighteen now. nobody's making royal finery for teenage zelda. where was she supposed to get that dress.#i am eternally on my agenda to let zelda wear some goddamn pants without an immediate magic makeover to *fix* it#anyways nintendo's sexism aside i like sheik being trans its very fun and sexy of him#tfw you go into hiding to escape political assassination and accidentally trans your gender in the process
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Whenever people who are entrenched in diet culture talk about how terrible chemicals are, I just want to whip out this:
#diet culture#diet culture tw#described images#image description in alt#'it's got CHEMICALS in it' and so do you! and me too! IT'S ALL CHEMICALS ALL THE WAY DOWN#instead of running from this world we must learn to embrace it#i'm not particularly angry at people who say this because it makes me think that they're incredibly invested in diet culture...#...i just don't want the whole 'food = bad' or 'bodies = bad' to go unchallenged...#...part of the reason why diet culture seems just as prevalent now (if not moreso) is partially because it isn't really...#...challenged or questioned without provocation. it's just assumed to be correct because it makes you 'feel in control'#when chemicals are bad you can control what chemicals you consume. it's individualistic and places the blame onto you for 'being good'#it places responsibility onto the person in such a way that it becomes impossible to fulfill#it isn't that i'm upset that people want to treat their bodies in a way they think is responsible...#...moreso that the *way* they go about it ensures that they're stuck in a cycle of self-blame and even self-hatred#because the METHOD is ineffective. not the desire to treat your body well#also the state of ohio looks stupid and i do Not respect it#it looks like a ball that is simultaneously deflated and over-inflated#also their state flag looks silly to me#it looks like the person who was making it fell asleep making it#i'm just clowning on ohio at this point. have never been to ohio but. are you guys okay
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shitty Sand appreciation
#only friends the series#ofts#oftsedit#first kanaphan#asianlgbtqdramas#userjamiec#tuserrowan#userbon#tusersilence#tuserhidden#tostrangers#esmetracks#fordaniseyes#my gifs#my edits#mine: only friends#mine: sand#mine: first kanaphan#ofs sand#i have so many angry sand gifs i've never put in anything#someone shout at me to compile them all at the end of the anniversary sets#the weird fandom version of sand that's all sad sweetie darling can't-do-wrong bores the hole off me#give me the slightly irrational yelly stubborn hyperindependent control freak with a penchant for arseholery that canon gave us#sure he has a habit of getting morose but he also has a love of stealing things from his friends phones to emotionally manipulate people#and chest kicking drunks (deserved or not. still weird. delightful but weird.)#he does a fair amount of yelling and getting in faces in general#we only saw the parts we saw bc ray brought him into the story. we can extrapolate by how much he was yelling at ray that he's a yelly guy#these tags are not the place for this i'm stopping now#anyway he's the loml#the way gif 3 is shot they should've kissed right then tbh
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TLDR
Okay I cannot believe I'm about to go off like this, but this has been bothering me for awhile, and it's only making me more spiteful. I have been enjoying the influx of Billford art lately. Amazing, great wonderful. What I have Not been enjoying, is the absolute vitriol the Billdip fans have been getting since the influx of TBOB. I was a billdip shipper for awhile. Hell I was a billdip shipper when I was a Parapines shipper-- I liked shipping Dipper with boys. I was also like 14 or 15 at the time. Obviously, if you follow me now, you'll probably notice what my main ship for Dipper is. I grew out of Billdip, and moved on to Pinescone. I have been shipping Pinescone for 10 years. However, not once did I go around saying "Lol, glad I matured and became a better person and shipped something healthier", nor did I post in the billdip tag, condeming people for a fictional ship! And saying mine was better because it was less problematic.
"I'm really glad people stopped shipping Bill and Dipper together. Bill is a 1000 year old triangle demon, and Dipper is 13--" Stop. Repeat what you just said.
"Bill is 1000 year old triangle--"
Repeat that last word to me. "....triangle?" TRIANGLE! I'm sorry what?! This ship is already completely wild enough. You're getting mad at this fictional age gap-- AND BILL IS A FUCKING SHAPE! A FUCKING SHAPE! This ship was weird from the moment GO! And Billford isn't any better. IT'S STILL A SHIP WITH A FUCKING SHAPE! And you're going to sit on your high horse and look down on the Billdip community. On top of it-- they have an age gap too! Bill is still thousands of years old or whatever-- however long it's been, who knows? And Ford was in his 20s or so when he met Bill. That's still a huge, ridiculous age gap-- that Bill could easily use and manipulate; which he did....and then also caught feelings and became a sad ex, but that's beside the point~ Both of these ships are still insane. And again, the bigger thing I think people are just ignoring about these ships--is that Bill is a TRIANGLE! THREE LINES CONNECTED TOGETHER! And this is the hill you're going to die on? ...Cause apparently it's mine. First of all-- as many people pointed out-- Ford Pines did not exist until the second half of the final season. People couldn't ship Fordbill because there wasn't any Ford to introduce.
"Well, even before Ford, I never shipped Billdip! I always disliked it." ...Okay, that's totally fine. Not everyone needs to like or agree on the same ship. Lord knows there's probably people who don't really care for Pinescone either. There's a lot of popular ships that I can't stand. But I'm don't go into a ship tag I don't like, screaming to a void for self validation. I don't go around mocking other people for ships that they had in 2014-- or even still today! It doesn't matter! I did that when I was a kid-- and then realized that was rude, and it was better to just ignore the ships I didn't like and enjoy the ones that made me happy. And grow a community of kind, like minded friends. And listen, I am all for safe spaces and being able to block things that make you uncomfortable. I am not saying people who find the BillDip ship uncomfortable to be idiots or babies or overly sensitive-- or anything like that. I think if something makes you uncomfortable, that is okay and I think it's perfectly fine to blacklist a tag that you don't want to see. I also think it's imperative that people tag things as accurately as they can so people looking at your work can know if one of your pieces has a thing that they don't like-- and therefore can avoid. What I don't appreciate is the fanhate for this ship that is sprouting up like weeds. You can not like something, you can be disgusted by it (I have my Gravity Falls ships I can not stand, nor do I feel comfortable with), but attacking real people for a FICTIONAL SHIP-- two characters who are drawings on a piece of paper and can not be affected mentally, physically or emotionally by fanwork; who still retain the same shape after everything we put them through-- to the point that you send death threats, or threaten to Doxx, or just harass relentlessly, I have always found that more childish and disgusting. You are causing real world pain to people. Me fucking up Dipper Pines is not going to do anything to him-- because he doesn't actually exist. He's a cartoon character. I could squash him and stretch him in Wonka's taffy machine--- I could throw him mock speed at a wall and watch him explode on impact-- but he still exists. He's not dead; I can pick him up and dust him off, and If I wanted-- I could decide that eh, 'Not a scratch on him'. And I'd be right. Because he is a cartoon character, and I am just a fangirl. I can not change anything about him-- I have no ability to make anything I headcanon canon. And even if I was the original artist-- it doesn't change the fact that Dipper would still be nothing more than a creation. A construct of shapes; he can not be hurt or traumatized in a way that leads to real life consequences-- because he is not real. I am not a cartoon character. My friends are not cartoon characters. Artist and Writers who stay in their lane...are not cartoon characters. If you hurt us...it will linger. It will leave a scar. If you can not tell the difference between Fiction and Reality, then I think maybe media might be too much to handle-- and I think you need to really reevaluate yourself.
And just to vent some other things that i keep seeing that are frustrating: You can't claim the twins are only 13-- and then on August 31st go "Happy 20-something Birthday Mabel and Dipper!" And then proceed to drop a picture of them as adults. Well which is it? Do they age or not? Because Gravity Falls showed them canonically aging. If you think the twins age-- then you can't suddenly turn around and go, 'no you can't ship them-- Dipper is a child!' but you drew him as an adult. So sorry, it looks like you can't draw the twins grown up anymore. You claimed they're 13, so better draw them 13 forever--. Aged up stories and works exist for a reason, especially for a fan who grew up on the series. The characters might have grown up alongside them. It's not unlikely for a person to ship Billdip when Dipper is much older.
And on that note, for people who are like 'well older billdip is fine-- it's just people shipping him during the show that deserve to die.' Okay... and like I said, this rant is coming from a recent influx of Billford shippers spitting on Billdip shippers. You know? The TOXIC Old Man Yaoi!
You're still shipping something that is problematic. You are still shipping something twisted and wrong. And I am not judging you. I am here for this divorced arc. I am thriving. But you can't just pick and choose what is and isn't okay. And let me first off explain; if there is something that personally triggers you about a toxic ship, and you want to avoid that-- again, perfectly understandable. Perfectly reasonable. You are the makers of your content space. And I am not judging anyone for that. I want people to be safe. I want people to have a good time in fandom spaces. I want people to not have to deal with the things that upset them or frighten them, or disgust them. But you can not say one is fine, and one is not. They're both bad! They're both toxic. In real life, these ships would both be charged with serious crimes! And yes, there are some crimes that are worse than others, and if you asked me what I thought was more problematic-- I'd say Billdip-- but both of these ships are extreme, and severe in their problematic content. You are still consuming problematic content. If it's a personal thing, that's fine; avoid it. But don't sit there throwing stones from your glass house.
#I can't believe some of ya'll are making me a BillDip Shipper again for your horribly cruel takes#Gravity Falls#BillDip#Dipper Pines#Bill Cipher#Billford#and I am not tagging both ships to start 'drama' or mock anyone#this applies to all ya'll right now#This is probably what gets me hate mail finally#but i have to say it#I'm a proshipper#and I'm sorry but I think a lot of you don't actually understand what that means#And I'm really sick of some of the stuff I've been seeing recently in the Gravity Falls tag#If you wanna block me or unfollow me#that's fine#just please think what I've said through before you decide to say something mean#Rant#Rant Post#I admit I'm scared to post this#but I'm also angry enough to have written it down
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doing the best drug on earth (making character ref sheets)
#there's a new blorbo in town and he's demanding my Attention#if i don't get something made for him soon i'll Explode#i'm pointing at Dinotello you're about to have an AU roommate and he's Angry#Watch Out#pastel's vague posting hours#there's also another dude in my brain#he's also Silly#but they both have to wait i CANNOT get distracted now#pastel prattling
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Please more buff aang I'm thirsty 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️
well i hope these will quench ya....
i had wayyyy more fun with this than i should have had. i was giggling and kicking my feet nonny, it's my first time doing quenching drawings like that. i'm not that great with manly muscles so i'm sorry for the messyness and mistakes. thank you sm for this ask my dear thirsty anon! also sorry if the kataang wasn't that you expected but in this house we serve kataang at every chance
#aang#atla#avatar: the last airbender#buff aangie for the girls#and boys#and everyone more#kataang#katara#just figured aang must wake up with is hair trying to grow out sometimes#my first drawing is absolutely wrong ofc aang meditates or does yoga BEFORE breakfast#but i wanted to draw him sleepy#and then yoga with sifu sweetie#the sweetie thing is just so ridiculous i now officially love it#now for the last one i got serious ok#i love to draw powerful avatar shenanigans aang#i know he's learned to not be in angry destructive avatar state but it doesn't mean it wouldn't happen eventually#he's mad and crying because he's heard of capitalism#i know aang i know#avatar the last airbender#anon request#to all other anons who have requested me stuff.....i'm sorry. i don't normally do requests this one just got to me#i am also learning to be more comfortable with posting sketches#gurin illustrates atla
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I just realised that Childe's random and seemingly pointless FL activation (the Golden House scene and the courtroom scene) is not rage, it's panic.
That one emotion that he demonstratively lacks.
I kept wondering why did he display cold type of anger in other cases but suddenly went all out in these two situations. That's why.
Types of stress response: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, foul legacy.
(technically it falls under fight but meh)
Also, uhm, he isn't actually hot-tempered then. Or reckless.
#or maybe not panic#but some kind of reaction to helplessness#this is all for CN voiceover#in EN he's very loudly angry when he's angry#childe#tartaglia#also he treats failing a mission as something equally bad to being dead/locked up#and I'm not even sure that in fontaine he feared being locked up by itself and not being stopped from getting to the whale#(which is sort of a mission too. just a personal one)#hmmm#I have headcanons now
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when you're the main character's little brother and doomed by the narrative because the author decided that the cult trauma wasn't enough. rip aaron
#ts4 render#aaron#aaron is a curious case as a character because i think in the very first thing i wrote about aiden and sam#aaron was not a nice person he was still in the cult and aiden and aaron never had a good relationship#but aiden still felt guilty about you know. leaving aaron at the cult because aiden still recognizes that aaron is just mimicking their#parents etc etc#then i think i changed it so that aaron and aiden did have a good relationship but aiden did leave aaron at the cult#so then he very understandably feels guilty about that but the thing is aaron is. dead in this version too#so aiden very much feels responsible for aaron's death and he also theorizes that the people in the cult literally killed aaron#which i'm pretty sure wasn't actually the case but aiden's like trying to find someone other than himself to be angry at. you know#and THEN came the versions where aaron does run away with aiden#but now aaron instead dies under aiden's care and their relationship is like pretty complicated before aaron's death#mostly because of aiden's addiction so aiden very much feels responsible for aaron dying. so yeah
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so i uhhhh. started PoE
#wanted to try making a custom portrait for my guy!#tbh design wise im not a fan bc it doesnt *quite* fit his vibe & there is too much going on with too little variation#& his face is too generic & id like more glowy bits & also i kind of really wanna incorporate mushrooms smh#<- result of this being supposed to be a sketch/concept but i just Kept Going dhkgdjf#BUT! painting/style wise this is turning out way better than expected so i'm keeping it :]#at least for now#anyways. woe dwarven nature godlike be upon ye!#he lowkey (highkey) hates being a godlike rip </3#cant admit that to himself tho cus surely that would be ungrateful to the god who blessed him and/or make that god angry right?#so instead he escapes his body with spiritshifting~#-- i mean of course he does it for his love and connection with nature. obviously. haha.#my art#my ocs#oc: alder#poe
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Daniel and Armand spent four years meeting up and having long, intense conversations about philosophy, culture, and history before they officially got together.
They had a very active social life and seemed to spend several years doing a wide variety of interesting activities together.
Daniel mentions how he grew increasingly bitter over the years. Things between him and Armand fell apart due to Armand not being willing to turn Daniel.
Daniel is free to leave at any time. Armand won't try to chase Daniel down if Daniel doesn't want to be there.
Daniel's alcoholism spirals out of control when he isn't with Armand. Daniel has been on the verge of death because of his alcoholism multiple times prior to this chapter.
#yes devil's minion is pretty dark and fucked up#but my hot take is that i don't think it's as dark as some believe it to be#or even as dark as this chapter suggests#daniel's recalling his ex of six months who he's still very angry with and admittedly bitter towards#while he's delirious and dying#daniel minimizes his alcoholism and how much it impacts his ability to function throughout the chapter#and projects the problems it causes onto armand#drift off to the terrors of the everyday world? daniel's alcoholism has progressed to the point where he can no longer function by himself#rather than acknowledging his own problems daniel focuses on how armand will let him run off and drink himself to death#shifting the blame to armand for not turning him#there's also been a very notable decline in daniel's functioning over the years#once daniel and armand spent their nights meeting new people and doing all kinds of activities#but now daniel has lost contact with all his friends/family and barely describes doing anything outside of their villa#is this armand isolating daniel? or is it an impact daniel's alcoholism has had on their lives?#to be clear - i'm not saying armand's a wonderful guy in this or that their relationship is healthy#i just think there is a lot more going on between the lines here#especially considering daniel was anne's way of discussing her own alcoholism#and there's a lot more to their relationship than armand psychologically tortured daniel into falling in love with him#tvc#qotd#devil's minion#armand x daniel#armand#daniel molloy
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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I'm still thinking about how ashamed I was (and am) with being open about my pain because I am so young. It's so hard to feel worthy of having your pain taken seriously when the people around you insist that young bodies are always in pristine, untouched condition and that you must earn your pain through aging. Never is it considered that young people aren't lying or being a hypochondriac for expressing their pain.
Young people can be in life-altering pain. Young people can have debilitating pain. It doesn't matter what age it happens because pain doesn't discriminate. Complaining about pain and doing things to prevent needless pain aren't something you have to "earn" through aging.
If you want young people to be in less or lesser pain, then encourage them to do whatever they can to minimize it. Don't downplay what they're experiencing. Not everything is a lie, not every experience that is different than yours is exaggeration or deceit.
#disability#ableism#ableism tw#this is one of the big reasons i was ashamed of admitting when i am in pain#and it's one of the reasons i was ashamed to address the pain i have#and i'm angry about that actually! nobody should fear being labeled as essentially having munchausen syndrome because...#...'young people NEVER have pain or disabilities and you're a liar!'#i really do want to start addressing my pain because i know it's not normal but holy shit batman it can suck sometimes#i honestly like talking to my dad about this because he also has a lot of pain (moreso than i do now) but he actually TRIES to listen...#putting this in the disability tag but i still don't feel right about labeling my own pain as such...#...but i know so many people with disabling pain who would relate...#...maybe it's internalized ableism on my part or maybe i just want to be respectful of people with worse pain#this is me really just reflecting on m the fact that i haven't ever had an amazing body in a lot of ways (though i am lucky still)#i'm still thinking about having an emergency cane to help me get up when my pain is bad but idk if it's worth the investment#so if anybody reading this has suggestions (esp. for those with back pain)... please hook me up i will platonically love you forever
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