#and now I can mitigate it until I get a new doctor

[foreveranonymousfa]

[momma-pixel]

A Journey Can't Begin Until You Take The First Step, And Then There's No Telling What Will Happen.

[Content Warning: A single mention of drugs, alcohol, suicide. Lots of discussion about depression and mental illness.] This is my 3rd attempt at transitioning and I swear to whatever high atop the thing if this attempt fails I'm gonna absolutely lose my shit. I didn't know it at the time but the route I took from there to here would be wrought with chaos and pain.

My first attempt was an abject failure. Back then we had to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards and go through a Real Life Test in order to start hormone therapy. Unless you were really lucky or had sympathetic doctors you had to deal with the Gatekeepers who wanted receipts, and living in the deep south at the time made this all even worse. This would lead to my final attempt at shedding my mortal coil and boxing her up in the deepest corner of my mental closet.

This is where I danced a downward spiral and gave absolutely no fucks. Drugs and alcohol. A long path of broken hearts from relationships I kept sabotaging. Excessive eating. A day that ended in -y meant the plan was the same - lets make some bad decisions and self-destruct. I was damaging myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and I didn't care. I wasn't looking to the future because I didn't plan on having one, I didn't look to the past either because it only led to blaming myself even more. I looked at the here and now simultaneously damaging myself and doing damage control. It was exhausting!

I had a fight with myself that sort of stopped this. I was in the midst of a manic episode and just riding its wake, coming up on day 3 of no sleep and was working on getting pretty well sloshed. I was alone and just pacing around my house in the dark saying some very awful things to myself and then it happened - I saw my reflection in the mirror and absolutely loathed it! I wanted to recoil from it but instead I got angry. Really angry. Hulk angry. What commenced was a rage-fueled screaming match with myself of hurricane proportions. I can't tell you exactly what was said nor how long it lasted for, but I seems I managed to sleep as when I came to again I was in bed. The brain fog was heavy and deep which was normal, but I would eventually notice a note I wrote myself on my hand that said "I forgive you". I remembered, sort of. The memories were (and still are) hazy, but I remembered just enough to be numb. This was an absolute vast improvement that can't be understated. Its like being negative 5million and suddenly being at 0.

Reconstruction takes time. Current damage has to be assessed and additional damage mitigated. I'd gained a ton of weight, had either burned down or set fire to numerous social bridges, and had a few new health issues that needed to be repaired. A few years later I eventually considered the repair project complete and I was very much a blank slate. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted - it was a pure existential crisis. It made perfect sense at the time and hindsight (and my therapist) says it was absolutely the wrong thing to do, but I said fuck it and built a new me. I frankensteined a new person and would proceed to alter and replace pieces as needed. Write this down kids, this is called an unhealthy coping mechanism.

This invariably leads to the second attempt at transitioning. New me found themself in a new state with new friends, a new path in life, and a new opportunity. Planned Parenthood was now offering transitioning services! No gatekeeping. They said "you know you better than we ever could, as long as you know the risks and are prepared for the changes we can help". This was a warp speed steamroller event. I dug deep into that closet and pulled that box out, letting her out and unabashedly parading her around. Got my hormones, got new clothes, got my own place, and had all the amazing safe and consensual sex I could (sane was not welcome, because this girl had time to make up for!). It was intoxicating! Living, working, shopping, dating as the true me. In this whirlwind I lost friends and family but didn't realize it. I created a hollow existence that had no actual meaning or substance. Sure, my body was starting to look the way I always wanted it to, I was living the life she always wanted to, and there was no one there to stop me.

So that's the thing - there was no one there. It was chistmas day and I was sitting alone in my apartment eating ramen and cold pizza. No text messages or calls, no visitors or invites. The only gift I received that day was from myself, an epiphany. I had once again blown up my life. You see, when you take something out of storage and intend to use it you need to make sure it's still fit for function. She wasn't. She was a battered and bruised beast from a much earlier part of my life that I just kept feeding and had lost control. I had such terrible tunnel vision that I mistook the light of an oncoming freight train for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I detransitioned. I guess you could say I also detoxed. But this time I did not do it alone, I had a good therapist and a good friend that moved in with me. We examined the deepest parts of me, of her, of I. It was tough. The toughest and hardest thing I ever had to do, but it HAD to be done. This civilization I had built was done on the rubble and ruined remains of the last one, which makes for a very poor foundation. It was doomed to fail. My friend sort of acted like a sponsor. She was there to help guide me and make sure I didn't relapse. She helped me sell or give away what I had to, and by the end I had a clean and empty plot of land. Maybe something would grow there, or maybe something would be built there. But no matter what happened, I had to stay vigilant. I had to protect this land because this land was me. I was the sole resident, caretaker, gardener, builder, guardian.

My wife is my world. She knows my entire history, the battles and wars I've fought, the mental and emotional challenges I face every day, and she takes it all with open arms and never complains. When we talked about having kids we didn't know what would happen - between my own biological issues and the changes from the hormones it was a huge question as to whether I even could father a child. We talked about doing all the medical tests my doctor wanted to do as a kid, but when we really thought about it, what would the results change? Would knowing I was intersex, or had some kind of biological irregularity change anything for us? I already had a somewhat clean bill of health from my last checkup. So we said fuck it. It took quite a long time (and not for lack of effort or trying) but we eventually had our first daughter. We also inadvertently sparked something in me.

My therapist didn't know it, my wife didn't know it, and I didn't know it but the birth of my daughter was the trigger for a cascading series of events. As much as I had tried, using all the tools available, I could not keep denying my transgenderedness. Transness? It had always been there, in a quiet and overlooked part of my land, dormant but with just enough life to keep existing. Having a child and becoming a parent was the trigger needed to spark it back to life. Slowly, silently, it grew and stretched out its roots all the while causing emotional and mental issues. My depressive episodes were coming more frequent, but we didn't notice it was depression. My dysphoria was coming back with a vengeance but we thought it was from other sources. My egg was cracking open.

All it took was a simple, innocent, statement and everything changed. My daughter had tripped and fell, started crying, and as I picked her up I said "Come to mommy, baby". My wife noticed what I said, I noticed what I said, and the egg fully cracked open. It would be a series of conversations, large and small, over a few years. It would be 2 steps back and one step forward and jumping in place. We eventually would have the final conversation and determine that yes, I needed to transition. This part of me cannot be denied, ignored, or buried. When I asked what it would mean for our marriage, I said losing you wasn't worth it. She said I married the person, not the gender. We would have our second and last child before starting down this path.

So here we are in my third transition attempt. She has been an integral part from day one. We've explored what I want from this, what can be obtained and what can't, what needs to adjust in our marriage and how we can do it successfully. She gives me my weekly E shots and comes with me to every appointment. This change has also given her the ability to not only explore her own bisexuality, but also gender. We consider our friendship, relationship, and marriage even stronger than before. Our own little family unit is building quite the home on my land. My girls flip/flop between calling me mommy or daddy, but we don't mind since they always call me she or her or even ma'am. My eldest daughter always tells me how pretty I look or how she likes my dress or jewelry. Thanks to an obsession the youngest one had with the movie Coraline, father's day has been celebrated as Other Mother's Day.

Life isn't perfect though, nor should I expect it to be. This journey has also she light on how just how my own mental illnesses have been impacting me and the decisions I've made (if my biography is ever written a copy of the DSM V will need to be packaged with it for reference). Despite my vigilance things do sneak past and I've only just started climbing out of the deepest depression hole I've ever been in and this episode started 4months ago, but my wife has been loving, understanding, and supportive which helped immensely in pulling myself out.

I've socially transitioned at home, at work, and in the world at large. I'm medically transitioning and will soon legally transition. While I mourn that she never got to experience this in it's purest form, I do take solace in knowing she would have approved.

I've received my share of flak from people before, saying that I shouldn't transition because of my mental illness or that my history gives other trans people a bad name. Some bolder individuals have even said that because I detransitioned that means I was never trans to begin with. It hurts for a bit, but the haters are gonna hate and sometimes bitches just be trippin. From the time I started that Real Life Test to now it has taken me 21 years, a herculean task if there ever was one, and I have earned every. little. inch. This victory was earned with blood, sweat, and tears. Want to devalue that? Want to invalidate that? Want to take that away? Well, you'll need to pry it from my cold, dead, fabulously-manicured hands.

If you've read this far and you're struggling with your own transition, know that I understand and I support you. You aren't the first, you aren't alone, and you are heard. I love you!

A man is walking down the road and falls into a hole. He tries and tries but he can't climb out. A doctor passes by and he yells out "Hey doc, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?" and the doctor looks down, writes a script, and sends it down saying "This should help!" and walks away. The next passerby is a priest and he yells out "Hey padre, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?" and the priest says "Yes! I'll pray for you!" and walks away. The next person is his friend, Joe. "Hey Joe, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?", Joe looks down, see's his friend, and jumps in the hole with him. "Joe, what the hell are you doing? Now we're both stuck down here!" he says. Joe replies "Yeah, but I've been here before and I know the way out".

[honey-minded-hivemind]

What if (in the dark Dino squad Au) after they got this traumatized and sick and Victor is the only one who was actually able to help, Reader kind of falls into a sort of Stockholm syndrome(not-really-but-kinda) where they don’t want to leave Victor, like they still don’t want for all humans to die, but they’re now so scared and traumatized by what happened to them that they are actually rather happy/content staying with Victor who protects them, loves them and makes sure they’re always happy and healthy and taken care off. How would the others and Logan react? I’d assume Victor would be rather happy about that.

- 🐝 BeaBee

Okay! Good question, I haven't had anyone ask about Stockholm Syndrome-esque reaction from Reader! (I'm not sure if this is a path the au will take, but im happy to explore it here!)

The other teens woukd feel a bit weird. Let's explore their thoughts on it first:

Scott would feel a bit... guilty. Also a little freaked out. Because while yes, they teamed up with their enemy, who has only ever been worried over their health (obsessively enough that he feels freaked out being too close to him), this is still someone who hates humans, and plans to destroy them. He knows tbey agreed to this. He knows why they agreed to this. But it doesn't make him feel any less off about it... (He was the most reluctant to go to Victor for help)

Rogue would be similar, but she also realizes Reader is still having to recover, so it might not last... And even if this sense of gratefulness does last, they begrudingly owe him... She doesn't like most humans, and while she doesn't want them gone, she does want to get back at those who did this to Reader, so... if they're partnering with someone as mean as a tiger, then that's what they'll have to do (she was the second most reluctant, but less so than Scott)

Pietro doesn't like it. He really doesn't. But, facts are: Their new ally saved Reader's life, or at least is keeping them from dying; he's not torturing them or dissecting them or whatever evil scientists and doctors and geneticists do; he's feeding them while Logan is... not available...; and he plans to let them live. So technically speaking, this guy is okay. Look, he'll go along with what's going on until they have a reason not to. Plus, they get to figure out how some of this stuff woks, so if they want, they could try to at least mitigate some of the damage done in Victor's plans... or try to change things for the better... (He was in the middle on it, but leans more towards for their choice rather than against it)

Gambit... he doesn't like they had to make this choice, but... it was the lesser of two evils. And if this evil raptor can keep Reader alive and doesn't want them dead, then he's all for whatever plan he has. He doesn't want to change the environment to the prehistoric era one. He doesn't want to change certain animals or plants. He doesn't want to lose his friends, his family. And he won't. As long as they do this, then they have a say in what happens. It isn't easy, and it isn't pure, but it's what they have left. It was this, or let Reader die... And that simply wa.ant going to happen... (He is for the choice they made, albeit he discussed it with the others before they all decided on it)

Logan.. was against it. He only found out last minute, when the choice had already been made and the deal sealed. He thought it was a bad idea, because the last time he talked with brother, was hundreds, if not thousands, of years ago. And the brother he remembered hated humans with a passion. He was scared his brother would harm the kids if he ever found out they were human, or had been human... Then he wakes up, to find out he's being kept sedated, so he doesn't leave... He's not happy. But... when his brother is able to keep Reader from dying... He reluctantly accepts it. He doesn't like Reader liking his brother so much, but until they're fully healed or cured, they can't afford to leave...

And Victor has no complaints in the least. He has a nestling who is curled against him half the time, he has the other teens to care for, and he has his brother, all with him, alive, and as well as they can manage... So he's quite pleased with this new situation...

[lightofraye]

i wanted to ask about the story of how Danneel told Jensen she was pregnant, you're always bringing it up as this super awful thing she did.

so i looked it up and read the story from the og source, and truly i don't get what's so bad about it.

she send Jensen an email, problably the same that came from her doctor with the results, and they were on the phone the moment he saw it.

how is that any different from taking a screen shot or picture and sending it via WhatsApp? that's how my sis told her hubby about her pregnancy, and it was ok, he was overjoyed.

i think the problem is maybe you see being pregnant as bad news that needs to be told delicately, and it can be depending of your circumstances.

but if you are married and in good financial status, and a baby is something you both want, and you know the news are going to be recived with happiness, does it really matter the way you share them?

Hello anon.

Sigh. Okay. I'll address this as best I can. It's largely speculation with some statements from Jensen, etc, here, so bear with me.

First, the story of the first pregnancy announcement. (JJ's.) Danneel didn't have a doctor's report--she took a pregnancy test. Three, in fact. She then emails the photos to Jensen, calls him while he's on set on Supernatural, and tells him to check his email. That's all she said. "Check your email."

He gets off the phone, checks his email, sees the photos of three positive pregnancy tests, and calls her back. We do not know the context of this conversation.

If this was a wanted, happy pregnancy, why couldn't Danneel wait until Jensen came home during... I dunno, a weekend off, hiatus, whatever? Then share the exciting news in person?

Because she knew things were rocky and had to give him time to cool off before seeing him in person. Because--and I can't find a source for this, it's been mentioned in a number of now defunct/deactivated anti-Danneel blogs--he was likely getting ready to divorce her and then couldn't while she was pregnant.

Then, when Danneel found out she was pregnant with twins, she gives JJ a card to give to Jensen when picking him up at the airport. Who the hell announces a pregnancy that way? Through their barely three year old toddler no less? And Danneel wasn't with JJ to make that announcement. Nope. Danneel sends her daughter across the airport to do that.

Again, to mitigate any possible blow up. Again, speculation/rumor said he was getting ready to divorce her again--but couldn't, because of the twins.

You say these babies were wanted, happily so, by both parents. They sure as hell don't act like it if so. Who announces a pregnancy those ways?

When I found out I was pregnant, I fucking cried while telling my now-ex-husband. Many others I know who wanted those babies would tell their partners in person. Not over the phone. Not over long distances. Hell, Danneel could've gone to see him and shared the news!

Danneel had those babies to force Jensen into a tie with her. To keep his money, his fame. Not his love.

There's no love there, anon.

This is why I made that statement. I stand by it.

You don't make wanted, happy pregnancy announcements like that.

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update - 07/09/2023

There's a LOT to cover this week but it's all REALLY important so please read <3 (below the cut) ~

Announcements

~ Cruise ~

I'm going on a cruise from 07/15/2023-07/23/2023! I really shouldn't have, but my family peer pressured me into it and now I can't get my money back if I back out so I'm going anyway lol.

I paid extra to have WiFi in my cabin, however I don't know how good it will be. I refuse to pay the ridiculous amount of money to use the data on my phone out there. That being said, my online time will be limited.

If for any reason I cannot access my internet or have issues getting on Tumblr @whatthefishh will give you all an update letting you know. (She hasn't confirmed this with me yet but I assume she will lol)

I'm going to be trying to get some works written ahead of time and scheduled to post while I'm away so it will be like I never left! (except I won't be able to respond much).

~ Masterlist ~

My masterlist is ALMOST complete. Once I'm done with it this time I will NOT be changing it again (unless my aesthetic changes but that will only be a cosmetic update). I'm happy with the way it's organized right now and I don't think it can get any better than it is personally lol. (I'm very proud of it please praise me)

~ FAQs ~

I'm working on an FAQs list to hopefully mitigate some of the repeat questions I get, or so I can just link them instead of having to respond to each individual question.

~ Thank You ~

The biggest thank you possible to those who sent in tips this week. I can't thank you enough. I added the tip thing without the expectation that people would actually use it so to have so many of you this week blew my mind. I love you, and I appreciate you more than you can know.

Disclaimer - I never know which way the winds of inspiration will blow. Timeframes aren't a promise/guarantee, they're a goal.

Fic Updates Legend:

Blue - should be posted this week

Pink - In progress actively (working on but will not be posted this week)

Red - Backburner Fic (will work on later. See WIP list for status)

Long/Chaptered Fics Updates

A Bit Dodgy - This fic is currently on hiatus. The plan is for it to return 07/31/2023. Things may change and if they do I'll let you all know! Thank you for bearing with me. More detailed explanation here.

Always Yours, Never Mine - Chapter 2 is coming right up! Just a couple scenes to add and it will be good to go. I'm thinking I'll be able to churn out one chapter a week but don't hold your breath please haha, things are getting really busy, but this fic is at the front of my mind right now for sure. - New chapter this week

The Fractured Moon - currently working on These Fractured Knights (TFM Bonus Chapters) 🫣😏 - Hoping to have the next chapter out this week. This has been moved to "longfics" since it will be at over 40k words upon completion. - New chapter this week

Mini-series Updates

Feeling You Can't Fight - New chapter coming out this week.

Not a Doctor - Part 2 coming soon - not for a while though.

Worth the Risk - taking a small step back from this for now. It’s not at the top of my inspiration list so I’m moving it down the line temporarily. - will work on a later date

The Good Doctors - idea by @burnincrown - Dr. Marc Spector - It's going to be a long time in the works, and it will probably replace TFM when that one is done. In development - Work on it a different week

Requests Updates

There are 4 ficlets left for my 1k follower celebration. Finally getting them done (I'm almost at 2k now lmao but won't be doing a celebration until a different milestone).

As a reminder, once these requests are finished, my requests will be closed for good. You can see the post explaining that here. Thank you again for the support and understanding!

Moon Boys X f!Reader by @simpforbritgents

Asking for something like Feeling Flustered where the moon boys are doing guided phone sex.

Marc Spector X f!Reader by @blueflowerhat

Marc shower sex based on AI prompt.

Nathan Bateman X f!Reader by @campingwiththecharmings

This is the prompt that hit me like a Nathan-shaped mac truck! -> “if you don’t like my teasing why are you moaning”

Nathan Bateman X f!Reader by Anon

Cam girl reader x Nathan - Nathan turns to a cam girl, he's been kinda stalking her. (Excited hehe)

That's all for now guys! I love you all and thank you so much for all the support you continue to give no matter what. You're amazing <3

[headpainmigraine]

Migraine isn’t a Headache Part Five: make it go away

I wanted to put something about getting diagnosed before I started to address medication, but the spoons to put my diagnosis journey together down on paper are much more than this section, so I’m skipping it until later.

(We’re out of Migraine Awareness Month now, but we are getting into Disability Pride Month, and chronic migraine is a disability, so!)

Treatment for Migraine can be divided into ACUTE and PREVENTATIVE

(and within that, can be divided into ‘medical’ and ‘complimentary’)

Acute treatment includes medication that treats the pain when you’re starting or having a migraine, like triptans, and methods you use to handle the pain, like cold packs

Preventative treatment aims to stop the migraine happening, so that you don’t need to use acute treatments.

Up until very recently (2021) there were no preventative treatments for migraine that were made specifically for migraine (until 2021)

(2021)

(That was three years ago.)

(Yeah)

Every other medication prescribed had originally been designed for something else.

As a result, you’ll find that a lot of suggested migraine preventative treatments are drugs used to treat things like high blood pressure, seizures and mental health issues like depression and psychosis – dosage makes all the difference.

This isn’t because they believe the cause of your migraine to be high blood pressure, or mental illness, but because the drugs also work to mitigate migraines – I’m only highlighting that because I’ve seen it suggested that when a doctor prescribes an antidepressant for migraines, it’s because they’re treating depression – this isn’t true.

Even botox was first used in beauty treatments before they discovered that women who had it also experienced a reduction in their migraines.

There have been no medications made specifically for migraine until the last couple of years, which is a crazy state of affairs.

And, even now, the meds that are coming out for migraine (CGRP mAb injections -nabs and -gepants) aren’t widely available, and not at all in some countries (India, for example). We don’t yet have access to the exciting new -gepant drugs in the UK.

(EDIT: As of 31st May 2023 we MIGHT be getting access to them! Exciting!)

When you present at the GP with a headache, and the GP diagnoses you with migraine, they won’t usually jump to prescribing preventatives.

They will usually prescribe acute medications first, if anything at all.

It’s not uncommon to be told to take high dose dispersible aspirin or other over the counter meds marketed for migraine.

These meds are usually your average ibuprofen or paracetamol with added caffeine, sometimes with an added anti-emetic.

Remember that migraines aren’t a headache, so your stomach can stop working or work inefficiently when you’re having one.

Prescribing an acute pain relief medication alongside an anti-emetic helps your body actually absorb that acute med while you’re having an attack.

In my experience, no GP ever suggested or prescribed an anti-emetic alongside an acute treatment when I first went to them with migraines, so be prepared to have to make that suggestion yourself, and to be shot down if they disagree.

The usual anti-emetics will be metoclopramide hydrochloride, or prochlorperazine (also used for schizophrenia and anxiety)

Sometimes, your GP will prescribe naproxen, or another prescription NSAID for your migraines.

If you’re lucky, your GP might prescribe a triptan.

I believe the most common is ‘sumatriptan’ but there are a whole host of them (rizatriptan and almotriptan might be two others you’ve heard about).

I’m currently taking eletriptan, which is a much older triptan and not widely used by most GP’s for some reason.

This to say, that if you’re prescribed eg sumatriptan and it doesn’t work for you, try asking for another type.

Another reason triptans might not work for you is the method of administration.

If your migraines present with a lot of vomiting, something that melts on your tongue or a buccal tablet that dissolves under your upper lip might work better for you than a tablet you swallow. Some of them even come in nasal sprays.

TL;DR – Acute Treatment - Medications

- Paracetamol

- Ibuprofen

- Aspirin (dispersible aspirin for fast absorption, 900mg best dose)

- Co-codamol (voted most likely to cause rebound headaches)

- Naproxen (prescription only)

- Triptans (prescription only?)

- Anti-emetics (metoclopramide, prochlorperazine)

- Other prescription NSAIDs (tolfenamic acid, diclofenac potassium, diclofenac sodium, mefenamic acid)

- US only? -gepants

You can’t take most of these medications indefinitely.

They recommend taking cocodamol no more than 3 days in a row because of risk of addiction.

You can’t take metoclopramide for a long time.

Almost all of these meds can cause rebound/medication overuse headaches

Not to mention the side effects these meds come with, or the stress you might be putting on your kidneys/liver/rest of your body.

When your pain is that bad that you CAN’T care about the risks of taking something that might make a little dent in the agonies, you don’t think about those risks.

The hard part is that you get to the point where you HAVE TO start thinking about those risks.

Taking painkillers all day every day every time isn’t sustainable.

I know, it sucks.

Maybe in the future they’ll come up with a painkiller we can take that will reduce the pain without side effects destroying your body, but we’re not there yet.

Just another happy part of being alive as someone with chronic pain!

BUT! That’s where ‘complimentary’ treatments come in. These come in preventative and acute flavours too, with a lot of overlap, but we’re looking at acute treatments this time around.

If you’re a long-term chronic pain patient, you’ll probably already know about all of these.

I covered “lifestyle changes” that might help headaches in THIS PART, and you can use those here (sticking to a sleep schedule, regular meals, staying hydrated, ugh, yeah, I know, it helps though), but, for more urgent relief:

***Little disclaimer, not everything will work for everyone. Maybe you have other conditions that contraindicate these ideas. I’m not a medical professional, just a dude who suffers and uses this stuff to suffer a little less.***

- Cold treatment (ice packs, sticky cold patches, running cold water over your head, cold swimming, cold gels in a tube, ice hats)

- Heat treatment (electric heat pads, microwaveable heat packs, sticky heat patches, hot water bottles, hot baths)

- Balms (tiger balm, roll-on headache gels, pulse point gels, menthol rubs)

- Aromatherapy (helpful sometimes, but just as likely to aggravate your migraine as not. Proceed with caution.)

- Hot drinks (I don’t know why, but a cup of hot chocolate really takes the edge off my migraines?)

- Cold drinks, with ice

- Massage/Muscle treatments (anything from muscle relaxant bubble baths to massage rollers to getting someone to rub your back for you, if you’re lucky enough to have someone willing to do that)

- Gentle stretching (you can find a lot online; look for post-operative/elderly/low impact stretches)

- Sleep masks/Sunglasses (get away, light!)

- Travel sickness pills or ginger caplets for nausea

- Acupuncture (there is a point between the index finger and thumb in the meat of your hand that is supposed to ease pain if you add pressure to it – it doesn’t really work for me, but it’s worth a try. I’d suggest Googling/YouTubing it. I have acupuncture needles and have been shown how to use them, so it might be worth asking if you know a practitioner you trust?)

I’m sure I’m missing something that will come to me later.

For travel, I take:

- painkillers and my triptans (and anti-emetic when I’m allowed to have one)

- travel sickness pills/ginger pills

- balm tin/roller

- cold balm/sometimes cold patches

- shades

I’ve also shaved my head – I usually go down to a Grade 1, but have gone 0 before, which was weird.

Hair grows back surprisingly fast, and having short hair is amazing for migraines, especially in the summer.

You don’t need to spend so much time washing/drying your hair (which is helpful when you’re in the midst of an attack and/or have comorbidities that make showering difficult).

You can also apply cold/heat treatments closer to the scalp, but be careful not to burn yourself (I am absolutely not speaking from experience…)

On a greater scale, just making your room (or wherever you go to hide when you have migraines) as comfortable for you as possible is helpful. Enough pillows, blankets you can kick off if you overheat, a fan to keep the room cool but not cold, curtains or blackout blinds depending on how much light you want to block out.

I use a text-to-speech app to read fanfic to me, or I listen to audiobooks when I’m being photosensitive but can manage sound, and don’t want to be bored out of my gourd.

Has anyone else got any other tips that don’t fall into the above categories for help when you’re having a migraine?

Next up in this series: Preventative Treatment (Meds and Complimentary Treatments)

[hebatollah]

Mama, Life had just begun

Yoko Ono once said, "Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90. Time is a concept that humans created." How old are you?

To tell the truth or keep you guessing, that's the question. But I'll tell you the truth.

Take (4)

In a small town in Austria, I went back to student life, and kissed my twenties good bye. I started all over again with engineering, this time for a masters degree, and my classmates are now 8 years younger than me. People my age were either taking senior positions at work, or bringing babies to the world, or both. I felt like the Benjamin Button of the group, not the Joey Tribbiani.. My 30th birthday was my happiest ever! A new friend got me a birthday cake instead of a love confession, but the way he celebrated me said enough. Besides, I didn’t wait long until I celebrated his 30th birthday too!

In less than a year I moved from a high maintenance workaholic to a full time student on a tight budget, who's still writing letters in this blog. This time however, I wasn't writing to my phantom lover in Cairo, and not to my new potential in Linz. This time I was writing to my mum in Heaven.

A year later I was still the student who's barely paying her bills with a part-time job, except that I started the thirties regular doctor visits. My mother’s early death became a danger label in my health reports, so now you can imagine the shape of my new fantasies. My anxiety grew into undiagnosed physical pain, and the more I paid attention to my body, the more I got scared of it. My relationship with mirrors got worse than it was already, and for the first time in the ten years since her passing, I really really wanted my mama!

After a lot of anxiety attacks, and sweat and tears, I finally finished my thesis, and exceeded my bachelor's benchmark too! I also started my first full-time job in Austria, and left the dorms to a pretty apartment that matches my age and taste. That apartment also had mirrors everywhere! But this is where I learned to wear my own makeup, and treated my hair with understanding.. Not so late I guess? I thought I'm becoming that stable person again, who will make her mum proud, but not for long.

I was working in one of the best companies in Linz, but I hated my job! There I was treated like a fresh grad, and my tasks were suitable for the 11 years-old me. I complained and wasn't taken seriously, I was expected to be grateful instead. I jumped into stretch assignments that later turned into lullabies. I felt betrayed and outraged, and nobody really understood why. I also started to wonder if they were actually justified, or is it me who put herself in the wrong place? I questioned myself.

The one who didn’t question me was my birthday-cake friend. He didn’t have to agree with everything I said to make me feel understood. He believed me, and that was all I needed! We had opposite views on so many things, but disagreed so lovingly. His perspective always fascinated me, even when we were aligned. Our countless good conversations shaped my early thirties, also the one when we had our closure. I wonder if I’d ever get such a mature closure when I get older? I just hope I won’t have to lose someone like him again.

I switched from romance and fiction to non fiction that should fix me. I treated the days like a series of mistakes to correct and risks to mitigate. I almost stopped journaling, both publicly and privately, and wrote a lot of checklists instead. My camera became a living room decor, despite my track record of good travels. I also made records with regular exercising and good cooking, but my health didn't get much better. I got used to that unexplained pain, and only listened to my body at a little more desperate point.

[2dkapsddr]

March 10th, 2024 - Arcaea, DJMAX

KAPS V.S. MANIC JEER - DAY 2!!!

But first, a quick break to warm up before diving straight in! This one, as I like to call it in every single other rhythm game it's in, is the Diet Luze experience!!! "For when you can't handle the real deal, but just can't get enough of Luze charting..." (DX Choseinou Full Metal Shoujo FTR-9+ FC!!!)

Grinded a bit in and out of World Mode to get both of these: Quon (the WACCA one) BYD, and next to you FTR-8+ PM!!! (MAX-28)

And now, the Manic Jeer grind commences once more...!! Didn't get as many score screenshots as I wanted to (since i May have kept restarting), but I started and ended strong with a slight 7.7k upscore in the end!! (so close, yet so far from the EX...)

And now, we take a break from Arcaea for a little bit and turn our attention towards this new development in 2DKAPS (rhythm) gaming: I GOT A PS5 DUALSENSE CONTROLLER!!!! I tried it using bluetooth, but it was awful and I figured out how to play with it using a cable shortly after. But regardless, this is a huge development... as I'm now able to play DJMAX the way god intended!! That's right, my DJMAX controller arc begins NOW!!! I even got an FC on XLASHER HD with it to commemorate the occasion!!!

Back to Arcaea between and after work, where I saw a challenge to get a PM on an ONGEKI collab chart and started practicing right as I got out. Unfortunately though, exhaustion from work hit and I couldn't get much else. Hopefully this should be mitigated soon (at least, maybe in the daytime) as I have another, bigger announcement now to make for myself: I'm on medication now!!! Unsure if I should specify though it's nothing too bad, but I'm finally being treated/treating myself after all these years of pain and suffering with my autism...

Will this show any improvement in rhythm games? Well, it might? But it's hard to tell whether it's placebo or not. After all, it's only been one day of taking it so far. I'll have to wait weeks until I can make a proper conclusion... but my doctor did mention that it might improve focus. I'll try my best only to use that on academics right now, but maybe during a break...

[dosesofcommonsense]

Have you read the articles and the DA's office letter? The doctor seeking to perform the abortion has no reason to perform the said abortion other than wanting to do it. The law says there has to be a medical reason. The doctor hasn't supplied one. No diagnosis has been given to the parties that require that information. Now, you can debate healthcare confidentiality and such. We don't need to know her health history. We're all well outside that battle. Her anger is misplaced. Though, it's not just that she's angry.

The ongoing mitigating factor in abortion is the morality of the act. Do you believe the baby is a baby? If you're a Globalist convert, it's just a parasitic clump of cells that happens to have a heart beat and grows inside this abstract area called a womb. If you're not a Globalist convert, it's a growing clump of cells with a heart beat...we define living things as something with a heart beat, though Globalists do define a bacterial particle as life on another planet, but that's beside the point. If you really want to take it farther, you define life as soon as the literal spark of life happens when the winning sperm fertilizes the egg [which you can see - it's amazing!].

If you really want to dig into it, Globalists see women as holding tanks and nothing more. To them, a woman's body is worth less than an animal. PETA will go to any length to save pregnant shelter animals but won't offer a dime to protect the baby inside of a human female. Think about that. Please.

Globalists will protect and define pregnant animals and those baby animals as worth saving from pain and hardship BUT will not carry forth the same messaging for a human baby. Women's body's are like cargo vessels carrying an undefinable cargo that, despite its appearance to a baby, and its easily identifiable heart beat, and the reality that it's growing, that clump of cells is still dead and unworthy of life.

That's the issue.

The lady in the post wants to kill the kid, because that animal baby is obviously an animal baby yet the kid is obviously just a lifeless meat sack in a cargo ship container to her.

Whereas, I see the amazing woman carrying this baby inside her body for a time and offering herself, giving herself, toward the protection, growth, development, and intense bonding that happens over the course of time between mom and baby. I believe life happens as soon as the sperm gets inside the egg, and - until recently observed - you see the spark of life, the instant life is granted and the baby begins. The heart beat develops after 5ish days, but the spark of life is immediate in that moment and 2 completely different sources of DNA merge to create a new life. It's a miraculous event every time, and it boggles my mind that anyone would want to destroy that miracle.

FUCK THEM!!!

[opha]

traumadumping, disregard

tws: sexual assault, medical abuse, genital-focused language, cancer, all the good stuff.

there’s a very good informational post about pap smears and HPV going around right now that i struggled for roughly an hour with trying to add info to without traumadumping and i evidently could not.

see, i had a very fun pap near the end of last year where my genius pcp decided that she didn’t need to lube the speculum for her patient with fibromyalgia (which means i experience pain on an amplified scale compared to other people) and chronic pelvic pain. i should know better by now than to think when a doctor says something may be uncomfortable, i’m not going to have to grit my teeth to keep from screaming. in her infinite wisdom, my pcp decided getting it done ASAP was more important than listening to me or mitigating my pain in any way, and settled for giving me half-panicked reassurances that “there won’t be any bleeding!”

she left the room looking scared for her job, and good tbh.

from that pap, i got a shiny new high-risk HPV diagnosis. the fun thing? i only could’ve got it from a guy who i’ve never had any sexual contact with, via kissing my HPV-vaccinated girlfriend who had forgotten she’d just given him head. i tried to google around about vaccinated people being able to transmit HPV from other sources, and it’s basically unsearchable. there’s no solid evidence for kissing as a viable transmission route either. so even if i’d known that routine STI testing (which my girlfriend has all her other partners do before fluid bonding) doesn’t look for HPV, i wouldn’t have been able to account for this. double fun.

cancer in my family has been 100% fatal so far, going back to my great-grandparents, btw.

anyway. i still have to get a colposcopy, which is a more intensive vaginal and cervical exam that may or may not involve biopsies. i had to shop around for someone who’s trauma-informed, and basically no one who takes medicaid is trauma-informed, so i’m having to make do with “a very sweet lady” who agreed to consult with me. (that’s how the nurse described her. it’s funny, but excuse me if i don’t laugh.)

i didn’t realize until tonight, but i’m actually taking the diagnosis harder than the assault. go figure. sexual assault is old hat for me. cancer is fresher. i don’t know how to deal with it. trying to dissociate from it like i do with everything else kind of worked, until this made it real again.

i’m thinking more and more about when i tried to get a hysterectomy in my early 20s, because the pelvic pain was unbearable, i’d been trying for years to find a diagnosis, and i wasn’t in pain management yet. got told i’d want to have kids even after i said my gender identity was incongruent with having children and if i wanted to raise a child that badly, i’d adopt.

people are so fucking fixated on biological children that they’ll deny you your own bodily autonomy to preserve your theoretical ability to have them. i’m intersex, so i’m probably infertile anyway. it makes me sick.

i don’t know where i’m going with this. i just needed to put it somewhere so i can fucking sleep. i’m so tired of being nothing but the accumulation of human damage.

[roxygenstudiesagain]

100 days of productivity (12/100) 27/12/22

Didn’t update for a few day’s because we were celebrating Christmas. We made homemade hotpot shabu shabu style and I got a cold coffee machine so it’s been a good one even if it’s a bit sad. My cycle also hit hard this week with my pmdd getting worse because of my therapist leaving giving me stress but at least I’m now up to a new cycle and a fresh start

The last two days I tried to swing back despite the menstrual lethargy and it’s not too bad. I even did spin and cleaned a lot for the post holiday mess.

I am ashamed that I lost my temper at my today but I spent a lot of time thinking about how my therapist would help reframe it which brought a lot of closure. Sad that that class had to go so poorly, I really wanted to excel. But I’m already trying to shake it off. I stood up for myself and being rude about a teacher who has repeatedly antagonized me isn’t a crime.

Today I

Went to the doctor and got my meds refilled including my klonopin so hopefully rage symptoms should be mitigated

Took all my other meds correctly today (I keep slicing buspirone)

Light yoga and spin for muscle relaxing

Finished storyboard sequence and comm art

Got through a folio story sequence, might need to time it out before my trial runs out

Dusted and cleaned the house, dishes, lysoled loo, did a nice set of laundry

Actually got through my whole pm routine including nose strips and facial, might even find energy for nails

Looked for nootropics to invest in when I buy some supplements

To do:

Get to the bottom of my New job packet getting sent off

Finalize folio storyboard pose fixes before work starts

Get a beat sheet down for new spec script so I can bust out a treatment for it before class starts

Retro board a dance and fight seq for inspo

Stalk my doctor until I get referrals

[pinkoptics]

Would You Catch Me If I Fall?

aka Cherik Fallen Angel fic

Part 2 of Chapter 2

(Previous parts now on Ao3)

Erik is going to do everything he can to make sure Charles is taken care of. Charles saved his life. That’s why. Right… right???

*

“Mr. Olsen, I believe you will do exactly as I’ve asked.”

Mr. Olsen opened his mouth, to protest most likely, but Erik was well practiced in speaking in a way that left no room for interruption. “You will, because you are aware of the exact amount my firm has donated to your hospital this year and every other before it.”

Mr. Olsen was turning an interesting shade of red. It had nothing on Azazel, but the flush beneath his skin was making a concerted effort.

“You are also aware of what it would do to this hospital’s reputation for being at the forefront of mutant medicine if my firm were to very vocally withdraw its support and place it elsewhere, say... Johns Hopkins?”

“Mr. Lehnsherr—“ Still red, but now also sputtering. “You do not have the authority. Shaw would never—“

Erik smiled in such a way that Olsen cut himself off. Erik’s smile, though the word hardly applied, very early in his career had earned him the nickname ‘The Shark.’ Only used when he knew his prey was very much backed into a corner of their own making and it was time for the kill.

“If The Incident were to suddenly appear on social media again, with a narrative much closer to the truth...”

Red became purple. “We have an NDA! You can’t—“

“When information is out it is out, Mr. Olsen. Non-disclosures only hold weight if the parties involved care about the consequences. I could give a fuck. Besides, whether this hospital is guilty or innocent, reputations once ruined are terribly hard to salvage, aren’t they? Once, tried in the court of public opinion...”

“Shaw would— you’d be—“

Erik simply raised an eyebrow.

Olsen was right. Erik didn’t have the authority to stop donations, Shaw would have his job and his ass if he ever went to the public about any of the firm’s cases. Moreover, he would probably lose his license to practice. None of those things mattered however, not because Erik truly didn’t care, but because Olsen only needed to believe he was serious. If Erik couldn’t sense the man’s weaknesses, and couldn’t exploit them, he would hardly have been the best lawyer at his firm (no matter what Emma said to the contrary). The seed of doubt, once planted in a weak mind, was notoriously difficult to weed out.

“Fine,” Olsen ground out. Looking like he was very much sucking on a lemon.

Erik levitated the paperwork he had prepared by its staple. It was accompanied by one of the disgustingly expensive fountain pens the firm utilized to perpetuate its reputation. It hovered in front of the sour countenance and Erik felt the same sense of satisfaction he did after a particularly shrewd cross examination.

Threatening Olsen in this way was beyond overkill.

However, Erik knew of nothing else that would resolve Charles’ situation as swiftly. As Olsen scratched out his signature nearly hard enough to tear paper, Charles’ need for insurance, identity, and anything else he did not have, vanished.

Besides, he’d never liked this man or this hospital, so if he got to have a little fun while getting Charles what he needed, all the better. The faster he could get Charles out of here unscathed the better. He owed him that much, possibly more. There were few people insane enough, selfless enough, to throw themselves in front of a car for a stranger. Erik had made it his life’s work to protect people who couldn’t protect themselves. Charles had more than earned that same protection until he was back to his former self.

T’s crossed and i’s dotted, Erik left Olsen to fume, so he could share the good news with Charles. The words that had been leaping forward died on his lips when he took in the state of Charles’ room.

“. . . Did you rob a florist?”

Charles graced him with a much less hysterical, much more pleasant sounding laugh than he had any time previously.

“Aren’t people just lovely? This one is from the nurse on call, Ben. He has the most adorable little boy. Teething at the moment, which is trying of course, but he’s so precious one can hardly be cross. I’m sure Ben would be happy to show you the photos too. This one is from Dr. Yousef, whom you’ve already met. She detests flowers, personally, as she’s never home consistently enough to care for them properly. This one is from Saima...”

While Charles no longer appeared to be in a state of hysteria, it appeared to be Erik’s turn, and he became suddenly, hysterically deaf. Had he misplaced a day? Or two? More? Was he the one with the head injury?

“Did you— I mean, do you know them?”

Charles cut off his still in-progress monologue about his sudden and inexplicable well-wishers.

“Oh no. We’ve just met. Nancy would like to get coffee when I’m better though. I believe that is a cultural expression of friendship, is it not? Or does coffee equal sex? It’s so hard to keep track of these things as humans rarely say what they truly mean. Why do you lot insist upon speaking in code? A code that changes every generation no less. Regardless, I’ve never had coffee. Given how utterly obsessed with it you all are I’m rather excited to find out what all the fuss is about.”

Erik didn’t know what part of that to address first, if at all.

Ben, Yousef, Saima... who the fuck was Nancy?

Sex?

Never had coffee?

“Oh Erik, I’m sorry. You look so confused again. I forget myself. I would much rather have coffee for the first time with you of course. At that diner you speak so highly of. I believe diners generally serve coffee.”

Erik blinked. Did that mean Charles wanted to be his friend or have sex with him? Or, did never having had coffee actually mean never having had sex? No. Wait. What in the fuck were they talking about?

What came out was, mercifully, “You make friends quickly.” This was something he and Charles certainly didn’t share.

“Do I?” Charles shrugged. “I love people. All people. They’re so fascinating.” Something else he and Charles certainly didn’t share. In his experience, most people were dull or cruel or both. Except Charles. Charles had been the exact opposite of dull or cruel right from the first. Crashing headfirst into Erik, literally and figuratively, and smashing all his expectations of what people did or didn’t do for one another. It might have also been the head injury/amnesia mitigating the dullness, making him say the most ridiculous things that Erik had ever heard and couldn’t even begin to sort out, but Erik didn’t really think so. He read people extremely well and Charles intrigued him. No one intrigued him.

Shoving the friends/coffee/sex equivalency conversation aside, Erik patted his briefcase. “I’ve sorted out everything with hospital administration. You won’t have to worry about insurance, bills... if there’s anything you need, just ask. They will be sure you get it.”

“I won’t ask how you managed it.” Charles’ look became conspiratorial. Almost as if he did know Erik’s methods. There was no way, of course, that he did unless he was a telepath, which Erik had already briefly mused on. “You really needn’t have troubled yourself, though I appreciate it, you, all the same.”

There it was again. The strange gravity his words seemed to possess. Erik flushed, not something he ever did, feeling that appreciation to his core. Charles’ smile deepened and somehow held the same weight as his words. Looking at it was almost too much, like looking straight at the sun, it warmed parts of Erik he hadn’t even realized were cold.

“You can stay with me,” Erik said, apropos of nothing, then flinched, his own words surprising him. It wasn’t the offer he had intended to make. The Firm put people up all the time for various reasons, and Erik had planned to slip Charles in to one of his current cases with no one the wiser. The doctor felt certain it wouldn’t be long until his memory returned, based on her previous experience of such cases.

Charles’ astonishment seemed to match his own. “Erik, that’s too much. You’ve done so much already.”

Erik rubbed at the back of neck, avoiding Charles’ eyes, which were comically, anime-wide. While he hadn’t meant to make the offer, he also found now that he had, he also had no sense of regret. His flat was large, he practically lived at the firm, so it would hardly be an inconvenience and the less he abused his position, the less tracks he had to cover.

He coughed, “There’s always Nancy.” Erik hoped the joke would break the sudden tension. “You could take her up on her ambiguous offer.” Charles laughed. Success.

“Coffee, and whatever else it may suggest, is a far cry from living together. Besides, I don’t even know Nancy.”

“You don’t know me either. You may have unwittingly saved a sociopath the world would be better without.”

Charles shook his head. “Don’t be absurd. You’re a good man, Erik. Better than you know.”

Everything about this was absurd.

“It’s settled then, when they discharge you, you can stay with me until we figure out who you are.”

Charles’ face, which Erik was already beginning to realize was nakedly expressive, came over suddenly unreadable.

“I—“ Charles hesitated, eyes flicking away from Erik to the window. Erik supposed coming to live with any stranger was enough to give anyone pause, especially someone who was as disoriented as Charles must already be. He was about to shift back to his original, much less awkward, plan when Charles’ gaze focused back on him. “All right. Until... until then.”

“Until then,” Erik echoed and they both fell suddenly silent.

He was inviting someone to live with him when he had never lived with anyone besides his mother his entire life. Roommates? Please. Erik had never had to, but would have rather lived in a squalid apartment than have to share a living space with anyone, even when putting himself through the extraordinary expenditure of american law school. Yet, here he was. Here they were. It felt right. Perhaps he had an overabundance of gratitude and quid pro quo to sate. It was the only thing that made any sense in the face of something that made absolutely no sense.

He’d probably regret it the instant Charles was in his space, but he also wasn’t someone who went back on his word, so he was taking in this stray whether he came to regret it or not.

Mama, at least, would approve.

*

Now on Ao3

Thanks for reading!!

[sirfrogsworth]

I know it’s hard to look at this situation and find a way to remain optimistic or hopeful. To find a silver lining. To find any positive to cling on to whatsoever. 

I get that. I often feel that myself.  

And if you feel that... it’s okay. Don’t pressure yourself to be a ray of sunshine all the time. There is no changing how much this sucks and how it is going to keep sucking for a long time. 

However, I think I was able to come up with some positive things in this global hot mess. And if you feel like you need something to give you hope, this may help. 

That said, some people just need to live in the suck for a while. Sometimes positivity can be frustrating and annoying. So if you want to skip this for now, that’s totally cool too. Or if you read this and don’t feel any different... again, it’s all good. Just gander at this majestic puppy patoot and come back to this another time. 

Okay, here we go.

While bad people suck and we’ve had a lot of frustration dealing with them lately... there are still a lot of amazing human beings. 

Oftentimes our society is very good at highlighting the worst of humanity. It dominates the news. Bad is just so much louder than good. Because of that, it can seem like most people are awful and the best of us are rare. 

But I believe that to be an illusion. I think there are more good people than bad. I see it in my own life with my family and friends. All of them coming together, checking up on each other, helping however possible. I had 6 different unprompted offers to help us get groceries and supplies. 

I also see this good in the following I have created here on Tumblr. I see so many people trying their best to do the right thing. To find ways to respect and care for people different from them. Learning how best to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. Many of them are young and smart and motivated and when I look for hope that is where I see it most. 

And now the world is seeing it too. 

Doctors and nurses doing everything possible to treat patients. 

And we must also remember all of those who keep hospitals up and running. 

People are organizing food banks and delivering necessities to those who are struggling. AOC diverted campaign funds she might need to get reelected and used it for her district which has been hit very hard by this. 

I saw this photo of a teacher sitting outside a student's window with a whiteboard helping them with their homework. 

My friend who is a teacher banded together with her fellow teachers to create a virtual teaching program in just a matter of weeks. They work until late in the evening in the hopes they can educate the next generation through anything. Despite being exhausted all the time, she was still so excited when she learned how to include GIFs into her lessons. 

The maker community is coming together to 3D print PPE and have their machines extruding 24 hours a day. They have organized in local chapters and came up with sterilization procedures, logistics procedures, distribution procedures... just a lot of important procedures.  

Clothing designers and companies that work with fabric are coming together to sew masks. 

Katie May, a high end bridal designer, had an abundance of sequined fabric so she figured, why not?

The tech community is using Folding@home to leverage all of their computers to crunch numbers that will help us understand and maybe treat this virus. So many people signed up that they had a 1200% increase in computations. They passed the exaFLOP range. That is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 operations per second. A billion billion. If you have a computer you can help too!

Everywhere in every country, ordinary people are stepping up in droves and banding together to mitigate the consequences of this disaster. 

And even though they kinda misfired with singing Imagine in 13 different keys... a few celebrities are using their skills to do some good too. On John Krasinski’s, “Some Good News” he arranged for the cast of Hamilton to sing to a young superfan. (Starts around 10:06)

We've all seen the quote... Mr. Rogers’ mom said to look for the helpers. 

I don’t think I have ever seen this many helpers.

Okay, one more puppy for the road.

Take care everyone. Stay safe.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Thank you "Worthwhile Trade". The idea of Baxia turning into an guai is so interesting. I liked imagining the part where she hit NMJ for his idiocy. My brain is projecting "married couple" vibes, omg. I admit despite how weird WWX spoke about the events, the time travel part flew over my head until the tags spelled it out for me. (TBC)

(Cont'd) Also... did NMJ mean it in THAT dual-thing way when talking WRH's prefs? And the last part, where WWX used resentful energy to sub NMJ's qi. I assume he can still cultivate since his core's still there, if emptied? But I wonder what'll happen to his energy once restored Can't help but think his renewed qi will inevitably be affected by the traces of the previous energy that once circulated. He's not going to become a walking stygian tiger or something, is he? Off the wall guess, sorry!

----

sequel to Worthwhile Trade (ao3), also on tumblr

Wei Wuxian didn’t understand Nie Mingjue.

He didn’t understand the way he thought, the way he acted – the way he smiled when he woke up, the way he opened his arms when Nie Huaisang threw himself into them with a wail and said, “It was worth it for you, didi; it always is if it’s for you. Don’t you know that?” the way Wei Wuxian had always shamefully thought of saying, as if something like that could just be said like that, out in the open.

The way Nie Mingjue shrugged when the doctors said his cultivation would likely never recover, that he should have died, that they didn’t understand why he hadn’t; the way he said, seeming even satisfied, that it was a worthwhile trade.

It’s not a trade, Wei Wuxian wanted to scream at him. It’s a sacrifice! It hurts and you’re sad, no, worse, you’re resentful about it and you shouldn’t be because it was your choice, your decision, but you see someone else with everything that you worked so hard for and you’re angry when you shouldn’t be angry and you feel bad and you turn away; it hurts them when you do and you’re glad, you miserable thing, you’re happy that they’re hurt because why should you be the only one whose hurt –

Perhaps the problem wasn’t that he didn’t understand Nie Mingjue.

Perhaps it was only that he saw in Nie Mingjue his own faults, his own deficiencies, the ones he’d tried so hard to hide in the sea of his poor memory.

“You’ll die if you don’t find a way to cultivate,” he said instead, hovering by the door. He’d say that he didn’t mean to ruin the mood, but he kind of did, and Baxia’s eyes on him were cold as if she knew.

As if she knew everything.

How he’d gone back to the past, how he’d changed things, how it was his fault that Nie Mingjue – who’d never done a single thing to hurt him, who’d been upright and righteous and good and whose brother loved him enough to –

Wei Wuxian had made a point of avoiding Baxia.

Not that she was that easy to avoid. She was tall for a woman – not as tall as Nie Mingjue, but proportionate to him in the sense that she was as much taller than the average woman as he was taller than the average man – and she walked as though people should flee before her, a tread that only felt heavy because of the almost visceral rage that surrounded her like a cloud.

Nie Huaisang had found robes for her, somehow, and they were the least feminine robes Wei Wuxian had ever seen a woman wear, though he supposed he still hadn’t seen that given that Baxia wasn’t exactly a woman.  Cut in a martial style, a dark shimmering grey that seemed in some lights to be almost red – she had been born as a human in a mantle of blood and she would not let anyone forget it.

“I should have died already,” Nie Mingjue said, as if the world’s scariest guai didn’t have her hand on his shoulder right next to his vulnerable neck. “You came up with a solution, Wei-gongzi, and for that I thank you. Even if we are not able to solve the next stage, being able to see my loved ones is worthwhile.”

Wei Wuxian could learn to hate that word.

“I have a solution, of a sort,” he said, irritated and not entirely because his reveal had been preempted. He’d hoped to sort of ease into it, somehow. “You lack the capacity for regular cultivation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use demonic cultivation.”

“What? No, we can’t do that,” Nie Huaisang said, biting his fingers anxiously. “Anyway, doesn’t demonic cultivation harm the temperament?”

“You mean my temperament can get worse?” Nie Mingjue teased, and Nie Huaisang smacked him so lightly that it didn’t even displace his clothing. “I don’t know any means of demonic cultivation, Wei-gongzi –”

“Call me Wei Wuxian,” Wei Wuxian said. “Please.”

“Wei Wuxian, then,” Nie Mingjue said. “All the methods I’ve ever heard of were forbidden for very good reasons – but perhaps those conditions are not the same in the method you know.”

Wei Wuxian tensed. “How do you know that I know one?”

“You saved me, didn’t you?” Nie Mingjue said practically, and well, yes, Wei Wuxian supposed he had a point – “And anyway, Baxia can tell.”

Wei Wuxian shivered. “I don’t use it,” he argued. “How can she tell?”

At Nie Huaisang’s instigation, Baxia had recently started experimenting with smiles. She put one on her face now.

It was terrifying.

“Tell me about it,” Nie Mingjue requested. “The powers and the price, all of it.”

“You’re actually considering this?” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “But da-ge…!”

“Wei Wuxian was not wrong when he said that I would die if I didn’t find a way to cultivate despite having given up what I have,” Nie Mingjue said. “If I die, what will you do?”

Oh, not much, just become a mastermind capable of puppeting the entire cultivation world to enact revenge for your death. Nothing big.

“But – da-ge has always put such a priority on remaining on the righteous path…”

“That’s why I asked about the costs,” Nie Mingjue said patiently. “I will not abandon righteousness simply because I adopt a new method of cultivating.”

“Everyone will revile you even if you are righteous,” Wei Wuxian warned him.

Nie Mingjue shrugged. “Who is everyone? What do I care for them? You do the right thing because it is right, not for the sake of fame.”

Wei Wuxian had once thought the same.

“If everyone in the cultivation world thinks you are evil, they will paint you as evil no matter what you do,” he insisted. “No matter how righteous your motives –”

“Let them think he’s evil, then!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “He could be the most black-hearted cultivator in the land, but he’s still my da-ge; my Nie sect and I will protect him!”

“Huaisang! No! That is not how righteousness works – if I ever truly become evil, you are to cut me off at once, kill me if necessary –”

“No way!”

“Huaisang – Baxia, tell him; evil cannot be endured –”

Baxia was looking at her fingernails. She’d picked that gesture up from Sect Leader Ouyang, when he was trying to be pointed about ignoring someone; it was extremely irritating to absolutely everyone who wanted to know who she was and what she was doing here and Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian had teamed up to convince her to keep doing it.

Possibly a mistake, in retrospect.

“Baxia. I know you agree with me on this. Evil is evil, and must be eradicated no matter who it may be.”

She gave him an unimpressed look.

“I know I’m not evil yet,” Nie Mingjue argued, apparently understanding her without any difficulty whatsoever. He’d just woken up from a month-long coma and he could already speak fluent human-saber, it was really unfair. And this man had succumbed to Jin Guangyao’s wiles? Lan Xichen had more to answer for than he knew. “But if I ever become evil – what? No, we will not burn that bridge when we come to it, that’s not even the right idiom, who is teaching you these things –”

Nie Huaisang coughed and hid his face behind a fan.

Wei Wuxian was not going to laugh.

Nie Mingjue growled at them all and turned back to Wei Wuxian. “Explain,” he demanded. “The rest of you, out.”

“But –”

“Out. One of us has to cultivate the righteous path, and if it can’t be me, it has to be you. Baxia?”

She picked Nie Huaisang up by his collar, for all the world like a mother dog picking up her pup by the scruff of its neck, and walked out.

Nie Mingjue picked up demonic cultivation faster than anyone else Wei Wuxian had ever met or even heard of. He wasn’t sure if that demonstrated an unnerving aptitude or if it was simply that Nie Mingjue was surpassingly talented – Wei Wuxian had never met anyone like himself before, someone for whom all things came easy, and it was an unexpected delight to meet a kindred soul somewhere where he’d long ago given up hope. He’d never planned to unveil demonic cultivation in this life unless he truly needed it – he didn’t want to hurt his Lan Zhan the way he had in his first life, and anyway Jiang Cheng and Uncle Jiang and Madame Yu were all alive, with hundreds of Jiang sect members to boot, there was no need for his sacrifice – but the part of him that was more researcher and inventor than cultivator luxuriated in their discussions.

Nie Mingjue was a lot more concerned than Wei Wuxian had ever been with consequences, and how to mitigate them, but he supposed that made sense: losing his cultivation hadn’t impacted that Nie temper one bit, and demonic cultivation was likely to make things worse. Moreover, Nie Mingjue was simply who he was, stiff and unbending, as much steel in his spine as in Baxia’s; he could almost be described as being rigid in his thinking except for the fact that he was in fact seriously considering becoming a demonic cultivator.

“We’re saber cultivators,” Nie Mingjue said when Wei Wuxian tentatively brought it up. “Like a saber, our nature is to be firm and unyielding, not flexible like the sword, but we cannot allow ourselves to become too rigid – a too-rigid saber will break upon encountering an obstacle. It’s a difficult balance to keep, and one made more difficult by our cultivation style.”

“The demonic cultivation aspects, you mean? Using yao to refine your saber spirit?”

“One day, though not today, I’m going to ask you how you know about that,” Nie Mingjue remarked, and although his tone was causal Wei Wuxian’s back went cold. “And I’ll expect you to tell me the truth when I do. But not today. Anyway, yes, that’s what I mean. Do you know what they mean when they say that demonic cultivation harms the temperament?”

Wei Wuxian hesitated. “I assume you’re going to tell me something other than ‘it drives you crazy and makes you kill people’?”

Nie Mingjue snorted. “Sometimes I wonder how someone as smart as you got sent home before you finished your lessons at the Cloud Recesses, but other times it’s fairly obvious.”

Wei Wuxian shrugged, embarrassed.

“Do you really not know?”

“No one taught this to me,” Wei Wuxian said, stung. “I came up with it on my own. How would I know?”

“All demonic cultivation has the same root,” Nie Mingjue said. “Obsession.”

“With killing, yeah, I know, I’ve heard it a million times –”

“Shut up and listen, you impertinent brat. The killing comes later. It starts with obsession. Obsession with righteousness, obsession with love, obsession with the pleasures of this world, with power – a human becomes a demon when they cannot overcome the obsessions within their heart, and the obsession consumes them. In time, a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with power will do whatever it takes to obtain that power, and not mind the blood shed to do it; a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with love will kill everyone who they perceive stands between them and their love, a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with righteousness will turn to murder when in their judgment something that ought to be condemned goes unpunished…”

“What about one who only wants what’s best for his family?” Wei Wuxian said, and he did not know if the challenge in his voice was about Nie Mingjue’s future or his own past.

Nie Mingjue shrugged. “Two roads that I can see: first, their family turns away from them for what they have become and they become vicious with the abandonment, becoming quick to lash out against the world and eventually doing something that causes the world to turn against them.  Second, their family stands by them, and eventually the world causes some harm to them – and the demonic cultivator turns to madness in revenge.”

“Not exactly an optimistic outlook.”

“Not especially, no.”

“You don’t seem as concerned by that as I would have thought.”

Nie Mingjue’s lips twitched. “I have a solution.”

“Would you like to share?”

“Using resentful energy to cultivate our sabers makes them prone to obsession, driving them ceaselessly to fight evil, destroy it, without discrimination. It makes them stronger, but also more dangerous – and that is why they must be carefully controlled.”

Wei Wuxian frowned. “So, what? You’re going to be the saber now? Under whose control?”

“Huaisang’s, of course,” Nie Mingjue said, as if it were obvious. “For better or for worse, he is sect leader now. Who else would it be?”

“But – what if you disagree? What if he wants to do things one way, and you another –”

“Then I argue and probably yell a lot, and if in the end he still insists on doing things his way, I listen,” Nie Mingjue said dryly. “That’s how hierarchy works. Isn’t it the same for you? When your shidi, Jiang Cheng, becomes sect leader, you’ll need to listen to him – or leave the sect. There’s no middle ground.”

Wei Wuxian scowled.

“A sect leader that can’t control his disciples is worse than a demonic cultivator,” Nie Mingjue said. “He’s weak. A target, ripe to be ripped apart and devoured by other sects – resources raided, disciples poached, responsibilities taken away...It’s not a fate I would wish on anyone. If you can’t commit to obeying, commit to leaving so that you don’t end up promising more than you can give.”

Ouch.

Just – ouch.

Great advice, fantastic advice, world-class advice, and totally useless because Jiang Cheng had travelled back in time with him and was therefore convinced that Wei Wuxian was just looking for the first way out of the Jiang sect he could find, no matter what Wei Wuxian said or did about it.

(Even Madame Yu was concerned by the new coldness in their relationship and had tried to talk to him about it, which – Wei Wuxian didn’t know what to do with that. It didn’t match any of what he had thought he’d understood.)

He decided to focus back in on the demonic cultivation lessons, shifting from theoretical discussions to the practical, and that, unfortunately, was when they encountered an issue.

“What do you mean you can’t play an instrument?” Wei Wuxian demanded, appalled. “It’s one of the Six Arts! Everyone can play some sort of instrument – even Nie Huaisang plays an instrument!”

“Everyone agreed it was better that I stop learning,” Nie Mingjue said defensively. “It’s all just plucking on strings or blowing air in pipes, and yet no matter that I did exactly what the teacher said to do, it never worked, that’s all.”

“Didn’t Zewu-jun offer to teach you…?”

“He did. And then he said it would be better if we stopped, too.”

The reason, Wei Wuxian soon learned, was that Nie Mingjue was almost completely tone deaf, and the only reason it was almost was that he was still capable of differentiating speech.

“I agree with the majority,” he said after an extremely frustrating day. “Stop. Never pick up an instrument ever again. And don’t let anyone but Zewu-jun play something especially for you, either, okay? Even if they’re highly recommended.”

“An interesting request,” Nie Mingjue said, eyebrows arched skeptically. “May I ask why?”

“Because you’ll have no idea if they’ve changed the music on you,” Wei Wuxian said bluntly. A great deal about the man’s murder in a different life made sense now, and Jin Guangyao’s brilliance in hiding the score of Turmoil inside of Clarity was a little less impressive when played to a man who thought all music, without exception, was just plucking strings or blowing air. “Musical cultivation is deadly in the right hands, especially if you lower your defenses against it. Just consider it a precaution.”

Nie Mingjue’s eyebrows remained arched, but he hummed in agreement.

“I guess we’ll have to think of a new way for you to cultivate demonic cultivation,” Wei Wuxian said, rubbing his face. He had not been planning on having to invent demonic cultivation at all in this life, and now he needed to not only ‘invent’ the original but actually come up with something new. Why was his life so hard? “How did you previously manipulate external energy?”

“With Baxia.”

“Well, that’s not helpful, is it? You can’t wield a human being. Perhaps another saber…?”

That didn’t work, primarily because it turned out that Baxia had strong feelings about Nie Mingjue even thinking about using another saber and well, as far as Wei Wuxian was concerned, whatever Baxia wanted, Baxia got.

(Nie Huaisang had had to go to Heijan once, with Wei Wuxian and Baxia accompanying him since Nie Mingjue wasn’t ready yet, and some unlucky Wen captain had tried to ambush them. That captain, and his squad, were not granted the courtesy of an intact corpse, and Baxia hadn’t even gotten a speck of blood on her nice new robes – no, Wei Wuxian would not be crossing Baxia any time soon.)

“There’s got to be something,” Wei Wuxian said, and Nie Mingjue agreed, and in the end they found something.

Nie Mingjue had been absent-mindedly playing around with one of Nie Huaisang’s fans when one of the fierce corpses Wei Wuxian had raised as practice targets had gotten loose; instinct had taken over and Nie Mingjue had lashed out with the weapon at hand as if it were a saber, and the resentful energy had surged in response –

Baxia was apparently not threatened by the notion of her master using a fan as a weapon, not even one inlaid with steel and heavy cloth with enough layers to catch a sword in.

(If Wei Wuxian needed to go have some time to himself at the sight of Nie Huaisang, dressed as a sect leader with his saber always at his side, standing next to Nie Mingjue holding a fan – well, that was his problem, and also one he intended to show to Jiang Cheng at the next possible opportunity. Someone else deserved to have their mind wrecked by the incongruity as much as he had.)

Even without the weirdness of Nie Mingjue, it was more than a little odd to see Nie Huaisang in the robes of a sect leader without him acting like the Head-shaker. The shock of having to become sect leader had fallen heavily on him: he had become a little more serious, a little more earnest (though still a bit frivolous); he was more inclined to listen and think things over, less inclined to run away.

“If da-ge is going to become a demonic cultivator, someone needs to stand behind him,” Nie Huaisang said simply when Wei Wuxian had tried probing. “He’s always held the world up for me – it’s the least I can do for him. I may not be able to do much, I might be terrible at it, but I owe it to him to at least try.”

Wei Wuxian wondered, sometimes, if Jiang Cheng would have stood up for him if only he had trusted in him, believed in him, the way Nie Mingjue believed in his notoriously useless little brother.

Maybe he’d ask, when he went back to the Jiang sect.

Maybe he’d –

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” Jiang Cheng said as a greeting, and for once Uncle Jiang didn’t disagree. “All those letters and you never once mentioned the terrors?”

“The what,” Wei Wuxian said, and that was how he learned that while he was on his way back to Yunmeng neither Baxia nor Nie Mingjue had wasted any time utilizing their newfound skills out on the battlefield.

Nie Huaisang was never going to be a particularly respected sect leader, especially by those that had met him beforehand, but evidently that wasn’t really important given that he was constantly flanked by what was being called the two terrors of Qinghe.

Nie Mingjue preferred darker colors now that he was no longer sect leader, the same dark grey shading towards black that Baxia had selected for herself, and the selection somehow made him seem even taller, verging on inhuman, and Baxia standing beside him, her human features patterned roughly after his, made the two of them appear a matched set. Nie Mingjue wielded the fan that Wei Wuxian had helped him design, which he had forged with his own hands out of the metal from the Xuanwu’s cave that Wei Wuxian had foolishly figured someone ought to get some use out of, painted over with a cinnabar array in Nie Huaisang’s careful brushstrokes, and in his hands it was both weapon and conduit for the raising of armies of corpses. Baxia, for her part, held nothing but required nothing, a sweeping gesture of her hand more devastating than a dozen blows with the saber.

They were terrifying, a nightmare writ large and unmistakably dangerous, undeniably demonic cultivators in a way that was entirely different from Wei Wuxian’s own dramatics, and it unnerved the rest of the cultivation world the way Wei Wuxian had feared it would.

“It won’t be a problem,” Jiang Cheng said impatiently. “The Nie sect are ascending in strength, and this only adds to their mystique – who would challenge them?”

“Uh, Jin Guangshan,” Wei Wuxian said. “Like last time?”

Jiang Cheng huffed. “At this rate, I don’t even think Jin Guangyao will bother defecting to the Jin sect,” he said. “Not if he knows how to play his cards right. The Nie sect’s strength in the original version was never about Chifeng-zun’s skill with the blade alone. It was the whole sect’s strength, with Chifeng-zun’s ability to wield them as skillfully as he did his saber; he’s an outstanding general. And now they have him as a general, him as a demonic cultivator, and whatever the fuck is going on with Lady Baxia –”

“I already told you. She’s a guai.”

“Like I already told you, it doesn’t matter how many times you say that, I will immediately expel the knowledge from my mind and you should too. ‘Immortal cultivator cousin that my brother named his saber after’, like what Nie Huaisang has been putting about, is a perfectly acceptable cover story.”

“And the fact that his saber disappeared at the same time?”

“Coincidence,” Jiang Cheng said firmly. “And we’re sticking with that. Anyway, the point is that if you’re an ambitious man, the Nie sect is the place to be right now and probably will continue to be in the future. This is going to be evident to both Jin Guangshan and the future Jin Guangyao, and we’ll need to deal with that.”

“I’ll keep an eye out,” Wei Wuxian promised. “After rescuing Chifeng-zun and helping with the demonic cultivation, I’ve gotten pretty close to them.”

“Mm. And how about your other mission?”

Wei Wuxian scowled at the smirk on Jiang Cheng’s face. “You know perfectly well that I haven’t had any time to seduce Lan Wangji, what with how busy I’ve been. I don’t even know for sure if he likes me yet -!”

“You’re an idiot, he does, and you’re not allowed to keep us all in suspense for two decades this time. Figure it out.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I’m sticking you with the job of being an information courier and you leave for the Lan sect front line tomorrow.”

“You are the best shidi ever,” Wei Wuxian said, and meant it.

Jiang Cheng huffed. “Yeah, well,” he said as if his cheeks weren’t red. “Remember that in the future. In this life we’re the Twin Heroes, you hear me? No take-backs.”

Nie Mingjue was right: Wei Wuxian would need to either learn to obey or tell Jiang Cheng early on that he was leaving, and walking a path in the middle would only cause heartbreak all over again.

“Okay,” he said, deciding to ask Lan Wangji for advice on obedience. Surely that was something that could be learned? “Deal. You do know that that means Lan Wangji’s going to have to marry in, right?”

“Oh no,” Jiang Cheng said, voice entirely flat. “How terrible. I’ll find a way to manage dealing with that ice block somehow…listen, I don’t care if you end up calling him Wei Sizhui in this life, but don’t ruin his character. He was perfectly nice.”

“I don’t know if he’s even been born yet,” Wei Wuxian said glumly. “I’ve been looking, but…”

“I’ve asked some of Mother’s spies to keep track of Wen Ning and Wen Qing,” Jiang Cheng said. “Collecting evidence we’ll need for their inevitable post-war trial, assuming we want them to live better lives than just refugees. Give it time, we’ll find him.”

“Now I just need to see if Lan Wangji will want to raise children with me…”

“Wei Wuxian. I don’t care. Go.”

[drwcn]

... You know, I was just thinking about Hua Mulan ChengQing AU. Hahah, ha. This movie is SOMETHING. Handkerchiefs are necessary.

oh I HEARD? but idk if i wanna see it. I’ve seen other things Liu Yifei (Mulan) was in and i don’t really like her? 

NOTE: OKAY so there were some confusion!!! Before ppl get offended, anon and I are taking about two different movies. The one that anon is saying is good is Mulan (2009) an original Chinese movie BC I had been asking ppl where to watch it and received many inbox msgs about it. The Disney film is what I won't be watching for so many reasons, including bc I know the actress's work and is just unimpressed by her in general on top of all the other reasons.

Oh boy, but like...what IF it’s reverse!Mulan, aka matriarchal society. Where Jiang Cheng is the “sneak into the army for my family c”!Mulan and Wen Qing is the “I wanted to be a doctor but then the Fire Nation exploded in on itself”!Shang. And I worldbuilded for no reason...

tw: minor character death (suicide). un-beta-ed, unedited, unproof-read, we die like nmj

WEN QING

Wen Ruohan was never supposed to be the Emperor, Wen Qing’s mother once told her, but the imperial court had allowed him to inherit because his late Empress Mother had no daughters to inherit the throne. As long as WRH promised to father daughters and pass on through them, then the Wen dynasty legacy would be preserved. 

“What did his wife say, that her children must take his last name?” Wen Qing had asked her mother, wide eyed and curious. Her mother had shrugged and said, “Well some women don’t mind, I guess, especially if it meant her children would be heiress of the throne.” 

Wen Qing had frowned at that. What’s so bad about children taking their father’s name, she wondered. Men may not be allowed the same liberties as women, may not attend public school or join the army or hold court with the Empress, but they were still children’s parents. Not all women agreed on this of course, but that was the way of their world. 

Her father died of consumption some years after Wen Ning was born, but Mother never took a second husband or a concubine. Wen Qing liked that about her mother. Brave, loyal, true. 

Wen Qing’s mother, Dafan-junwang, a distant relation to the throne, was a renowned marshal, hailing from a proud line of generals and marshals, trusted by the Wen imperial family as protectors of the realm, without fear of usurpation. The people whispered that Wen Qing had much to live up to, if she were to inherit her mother’s duchy and hold a command of her own. 

Wen Qing never had much interest in war or martial arts, but she learned, trained, practiced and perfected her skills because she could never bear the thought of letting her mother down. In her heart (and in her free time), she learned the science and art known by father. He was a quiet man, a physician (quite skilled too), before he married her mother. He wasn’t what her grandparents would have wanted for their daughter, but Mother had been adamant. 

Wen Qing’s mother hadn’t been good at expressing her love, but she did love her husband. Very much. Mother was only ever soft around Father, and Wen Qing only knew this because she’d seen them hold hands when they thought no one was watching. 

Wen Ning, being the son of a wealthy aristocratic family, was destined to marry well when he came of age. Unlike girls, boys weren’t allowed to attend publicly funded scholarly schools or martial academies. Wealthy and noble families however were able to afford private tutors for their sons, so that they would know the four arts (play the qin, weiqi, literature, and art) and be elegant, competent husbands for their wives. If Wen Ning was competent enough, charming enough, and gave his wife daughters (because everyone knew it’s the men who control the sex of the baby), then she would be faithful to him -> at least that’s what their nanny said. 

“How did they know, that men determined the sex of the baby?” Wen Qing asked her mother one evening when she turned thirteen and was given The Talk. 

Her mother tilted her head and said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. “My dear, women are the earth, we grow and birth life. Men are like the seeds. If you plant an apricot tree, the earth will nourish it and let it flourish, but the fruit will always be apricots, you will never have peaches.” 

Once, Wen Qing had asked her mother if she could be a physician instead, if Wen Ning could take her place as general. Her mother had given her a very stern look and said, “No only is your brother of a sickly disposition, but you are my daughter. The duchy and my command can only be inherited by you. For your country, you do not have a choice.” 

Wen Qing conceded, because she was good.

The days dragged on, and slowly it was becoming clear Wen Ruohan would have no daughters. Not only so, the sons he fathered were ill-mannered and haughty, unfit to rule. Wen Ruohan’s mind, too, was slowly leaving him, due to unknown reasons. The ministers of the court and notabilities of the peerage urged Wen Ruohan to take on the daughter of his cousin born of his maternal aunt, and to groom her as heir. This brought on much discontent from Wen Roohan’s two princes, who aligned themselves with lurking enemies from the north, and before anyone could mitigate the situation, the country was thrust into a full blown civil war. 

Every bit her mother’s daughter, Wen Qing did not hesitate to mount her horse and ride off into battle. She had her duties and she would serve until her death. 

Jiang Wanyin had a very pretty face - she would reflect in retrospect. Perhaps that was why she believed him when he showed up at her camp with a conscription missive claiming to be his older sister Jiang Yanli. 

JIANG CHENG

The Jiang family was a wealthy merchant family situated southeast of the capital, in the province of Yunmeng. The current head of family is Jiang Ziyuan, known for her sharp business mind and sharp ways with her sword.  

(the only reason i’m switching Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan’s last name is because it’s a matriarchal society, and Yu Cheng and Yu Yanli sounds way too awful as names, but Yu Fengmian and Jiang Ziyuan are actually not bad.) 

There was a rumour that her husband Yu Fengmian of a Meishan Yu clan, had betrayed her with a wandering traveler from the pugilist world named Cangse...something something, and that he had fathered a son with her out of wedlock. If it were true, then by the conventions of the land, Jiang Ziyuan would have every legal right to divorce Yu Fengmian and send him back to his family to live out the rest of his days in seclusion, shame and repentance. 

But when Yu Fengmian came to her with the little Wei Ying, freshly orphaned, Yu Ziyuan turned the boy this way and that, examined him for “abnormalities” and nodded. Then she summoned her son, and said to him, “Our manor purchased  some new indentured servants. This boys is yours from now on, he is your responsibility. Keep him in line, find some uses for him, or get rid of him.” 

Jiang Cheng looked to his big sister, but his sister just shook her head. Not quite understanding what was happening, or why his father was bowed down on the floor, Jiang Cheng took his new “servant” and left. 

Watching them go, Jiang Yanli then turned to her mother and said, “Muqin, if I may be so bold, I have an idea.” 

Jiang Yanli was not the heiress that Jiang Ziyuan had hoped for. Though incredibly intelligent, Jiang Yanli was of poor health and not suited for martial training. Jiang Ziyuan had been quite troubled by this for some time, fearing others would cause trouble once Jiang Yanli inherits. However, she was also hesitant to train her son Jiang Cheng, even though he showed both interest and aptitude. It was not often that well to do families would want to take on a too “rambunctious” boy as groom for their daughters. Yet to leave Jiang Yanli without close protection... 

“Are you thinking that boy...” 

Jiang Yanli nodded. “Father denies being Wei Ying’s paternal parent, but surely tongues will waggle regardless. Mother, you are within your right to dismiss father, but he is still my father, and if not for me, think of A-Cheng. One day he will marry, and what family would want a son with a disgraced sire. Wei Ying looks healthy and strong; as I am unfortunately unable to train with the sword, mother may yet train him. Surely you’re not worried about his future marriage prospects. Perhaps it is better yet that he never marries, for he will remain close to Lotus Pier and serve at my side.” 

Jiang Ziyuan listened to Jiang Yanli’s words and decided that her daughter made very valid points. Her relationship with her husband could never be repaired but she had her children’s future to consider. 

And yet happiness would not last for long. Two months after Jiang Yanli’s sixteenth’s birthday, she received news that her mother’s private boat, which she used to inspect her properties, had capsized in a terrible monsoon storm, killing everyone on board.  

After the news reached Lotus Pier, Yu Fengmian took his own life in the dead of night, leaving a letter stating that he had owed Jiang Ziyuan too much to repay, that though Wei Ying was not his son, he had kept secrets from her that he swore he would not reveal in this life. Now that she’s gone, he would keep her company in her journey to the beyond. 

The Jiangs mourned, but they survived.

Then when the boys turned seventeen, war broke out over the lands, and the conscription missives arrived demanding one female from every household. Jiang Cheng panicked. Wei Wuxian had been sent to Gusu on business and would not return for some time. The military missive was time sensitive, so Jiang Cheng didn’t have another choice...besides it’s not like A-Jie’s matchmaking attempts for him had been all that successful...he was next to blacklisted anyway after his last debacle with the Qin girl. 

Jiang Cheng decided that he could pass as a woman if he dressed properly and redid his hair, but his voice...he'd just have to pretend he could not speak. That way, no one would know. 

WQ: “Who are you?” 

JC *hands her his letter* 

WQ: “Jiang Yanli? The Yunmeng Jiangs? Of Lotus Pier?” 

JC: *nods*

Her subordinate, “I didn’t know Jiang Ziyuan’s daughter was mute, they only said she was of poor health.” 

-

Luo “Mianmian” Qingyang finds out first. 

Mianmian: *GASP and points* You’re a man! 

JC: *covers his body* SHH!!! Turn around! Don’t look at me! *turns to look away*

Mianmian: *naked by the river ready for a bath but too shocked to move* but, but, but, how?? How did we not know????

JC: Mianmian - no- Lt. Luo, please don’t tell the Young Marshal! Please, I only came so my sister wouldn’t have to -

MM: Cowardice! It is every woman’s sworn duty to - 

JC: My sister is of very delicate health. She won’t survive! She’s my late mother’s only daughter, if she dies... I’m expendable. I don’t mind being cannon fodder, please don’t report me. 

-

JC shivering in the snow. “You said you trust Yanli! Why should Wanyin be any different?!” 

WQ stood impassively over him with a sword at his neck. Then, she closed her eyes and turned away. “A life for a life. My debt is paid.” 

---

JYL: *Proud* “A-Cheng helped secure the future of our nation. The adopted young crown princess was too young to rule without a loyal regent, and Wen Ruohan’s sons colluded with outside forces...it would have been chaos. Millions would have died.” 

WWX *teasing* “Sure he brought home a sword, if you ask me he should’ve brought home a wife!”

---

JC, “W-would you like to stay for dinner - ” 

WWX: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER? 

JC: Wei Wuxian! She’s regent now, be respectful!” 

WQ: Dinner...sounds lovely. 

[maximumsunshine]

Depends

So I’m going to make a super embarrassing post and most of you are not my target audience.  If you are not my target audience please choose to just scroll past this.  Or maybe reblog it in case you have a follower who is my target audience.  But anyway, I need to make a super embarrassing confession that no one fucking talks about and I’m going to talk about it.

When I cough, like now with Covid, I pee myself.  Maybe you do to?

It doesn’t help that I’m 37 years old and I’ve birthed 3 kids.  But honestly, I’ve always been this way even as a young child.  And no amount of kegels has ever fixed this.  There is probably a medical treatment I could get that would help and one day I’ll look into that, but this post isn’t about that.  I have been medically tested in the sense that we know my bladder doesn’t fully empty when I go to the bathroom.  So we know no amount of going potty is going to prevent me from peeing when I cough (or sneeze).

We need to talk depends.  AKA adult diapers.

I’ve gotten bronchitis every year (Except the one after I got the pneumonia vaccine at like 34 or 35.  I missed a year or two.) since I was 12 years old.  And every year since I was 12 years old, I’ve pissed myself repeatedly while coughing my fool head off.

I wore regular pads to help mitigate this and changed them hourly or after a major coughing fit, through the day, every day, for the weeks I had bronchitis.  You cough for a good 3-4 weeks.  I’ll let you do the math on how many pads I went through.

I had another, surely foolproof, method to prevent myself from peeing when I cough.  And it never fully worked but I liked to think, at the time, that it helped.

You see.  I would try to dehydrate myself to the point of simply never having to pee.  For weeks I’d severely limit my fluid intake so that I wouldn’t produce as much urine so that maybe eventually I’d stop peeing when I coughed.

I can not stress enough that limiting fluid intake while sick is the opposite of what you should be doing.  I was so foolish, though my heart was in the right place.  I was frustrated and embarrassed and I just didn’t know what else to do.

Then in December of 2019 I got really sick.  To this day I think I had an early case of Covid before we knew it was a thing.  We already know you can catch it again after a span of like 6 months.  (I asked the local health department during one of our regular calls.)  So it’s very possible I had it then and have it now.

And I was coughing and couldn’t breath and was coughing and couldn’t breath.  The doctors threw the labels of bronchitis and pneumonia at me just to get me out of their ER (again, Covid wasn’t yet really known).  My family got it.  We all got a pneumonia diagnosis.  And we were all sick for a month just coughing and coughing.

I was at a pharmacy at the time (again we didn’t know to quarantine like we do now.  This was December 2019.) browsing other things.  Killing time to wait out a script when I made a discovery and a life changing decision.

Depends.  Adult diapers.

Of course I knew about them.  But what I didn’t know until that night was that they came in pad form.  Just like a sanitary napkin, only thicker and they have those little gel beads like what diapers have. 

I broke down and bought a package.  I was 36 and embarrassed because surely only old people use depends.  But I told myself that the pad version wasn’t all that different from what I was currently using.   I use the ones that Always makes.  The same brand as the sanitary napkins.  Only for when you pee when you cough. And honestly, 12-year-old me could have used them, so surely adult me that had birthed 3 kids needed to buck up and just use them.

My life has changed.

First of all.  I don’t feel the wetness until they are saturated. Just like a baby with only a gently wet diaper doesn’t feel the wetness.  Which means I can wear them for much longer before changing them out.  How long depends on how much I cough but it’s still hours better than a pad meant for the menstrual cycle.  My brand new 39 count has lasted me almost 2 weeks and still has about a third of them in there.  YMMV.

I’m telling you, if you are someone who pees when you cough, whatever the cause, these discrete pads will change your life and you should try them.  Especially now because Covid coughing is no joke!