#and no not that kind of OCD I have all kinds of OCD

[crtakespropogandist]

It's buck wild to me that it's so popular to imagine a Bren-who-didn't-break in a romance with Essek, or in a version of the Blumentrio where Astrid is the worst influence.

When Liam said Shadowgast Killing Eve AU, he wasn't talking about Villanelle and Eve parallels, and he definitely wasn't talking about Darth Bren. When Liam explained Caleb's instinct to manipulate Essek, people somehow took said explanation to mean that Bren was specialized in honeypotting/seduction, which, no. Bren the Volstrucker would be way more inclined towards a different kind of heat.

In the "Waldhexe" narrative, which Liam confirmed was analogous to Trent and the Blumentrio, Astrid lost one eye, whereas Eadwulf lost "much of" his brain, and Bren lost his whole heart. Astrid shared a final meal with her parents, whereas Eadwulf gave his a confrontation, and Bren killed his parents without entering the house, no thought spared for the family cat. Astrid defied Trent during the final battle, whereas Eadwulf had to be neutralized, and Bren would have killed Trent in his sleep for not abdicating to him soon enough. Every bit of content screams that Astrid is the best influence on Volstrucker Blumentrio, ambition and all. Without Caleb's new perspective, Astrid's view of the world is the most nuanced, and she is the most open to change.

I know it's not comfortable to imagine one moment capable of consigning Caleb's character to heartlessness, especially when that moment was sprung on him as an abused child. Especially when Astrid and Eadwulf's experience of that moment didn't define their respective capacities for redemption. Especially when Essek, having committed worse sins under less extenuating circumstances, is easily saved.

But the reality of a disordered mind is far from comfortable, and Caleb's struggle, as per Liam's comments, is one I know well. Caleb's OCD is much milder than mine given how he's now plenty functional and happy ohne Drogen (idk German), but one of the hallmarks of the diagnosis places Caleb "Magical Thinking" Widogast amongst the multiple CR PCs who are also puns*.

"I was so sure, and then I wasn't." OCD made it impossible for Bren to tolerate that whisper of doubt the way Astrid and Eadwulf could. The implications were universal to Bren, all encompassing. He had to embrace that doubt as valid, or reject it as impossible. His mind failed to do either right then and there, and it broke him. When he was restored, that whisper of doubt was confirmed, and an OCD spiral of rumination entrenched in soon-to-be-Caleb the conviction that he is Bad and he deserves Bad. Nothing he does can ever reflect well on his true self, but cognitive dissonance sure rears its head when he joins the Nein, because Caleb is very smart despite OCD not caring about that.

OCD, like the Sith, only deals in absolutes. Bren the Volstrucker would not be among the jaded-but-resigned, morally grey operatives Astrid and Eadwulf became. Bren, having rejected that whisper of doubt, would rationalize away anything incongruent with the conviction that he is Good and he deserves Good. Nothing he does can ever reflect poorly on his true self, and cognitive dissonance would be kept at bay by well-articulated justifications that seamlessly build off of Trent's core teachings, because Bren is still very smart. Essek isn't still that hot, though. Cricks are enemies, and enemies are disgusting. The OCD, however mild, is stronger than the peen.

*Fjord "Texblade" Stone, Ashton "Punk Rock" Greymoore, Fresh "One" Cut "Eyed" Grass "Monster", Imogen "Imagine Tumult" Temult

[skymagpie]

I understand tradwives now, I cleaned up my entire room down to polishing floors today as well as half of the house just because I will see Khadgar for 3 minutes in the new quests

[postcrashcurly]

A short list of Jimmy headcanons I've been tinkering with for a bit. CW: OCD and Hoarding Behavior, Trichophagia, Body Image, and a lot of other triggers tbh it's far too long to list just prepare for anything.

One. On earth, Jimmy has a hoarding problem that stems from not having a lot as a kid. His dad was physically abusive and his mom was emotionally absent, so he wasn't allowed any privacy, personal belongings, or comfort objects. So as an adult he keeps EVERYTHING. Every single birthday card, every receipt, boxes, old clothes, certain food wrapping items and empty cans. It's chaos but it's somewhat organized, and piles move around here and there. It's not necessarily *gross* in the traditional sense. There is no rats or roaches or anything like that- its just overwhelming to the outside observer. It has the potential to be much worse depending.

He compulsively reorganizes his belongings but he'll be sent into a blind rage if he feels he's lost something. Piles move back and forth from the living room and bed room. Certain objects of interest are always within eye-shot, specifically things like gifts or photos. He has a particular affinity towards gift-cards and enjoys the elaborate designs (even though he pretends he doesn't).

Jimmy gets incredibly defensive when anyone offers to help him clean up or move things around and worries greatly that someone may steal from him. The only person who's ever seen the inside of his place is Curly, and he's also the only person Jimmy has ever left unattended in his home. Every so often Curly is able to nudge him to pack things in different areas so it isn't such a fire hazard (because of the hoarding, Jimmy has a massive fear of house fires and losing his things), and so he can have better access to rooms.

The only "clean" areas are the kitchen and bathroom, and they are remarkably clean. This is something Curly doesn't understand but doesn't really bother to question because he knows Jimmy needs to have things a certain way.

Two. As a child Jimmy developed really poor coping mechanisms to deal with his home life. He used to eat his own hair, and because of this his parents always had his hair cut as short as possible. This is why he keeps it long as an adult, and even though he doesn't eat/swallow it anymore he likes to suck and bite on the ends sometimes when he's self-soothing.

Three. Jimmy struggles with his body image and isn't quite sure what he looks like. If you asked him to draw a picture of himself, it wouldn't resemble him well. He feels that he looks much smaller, weaker, and uglier than he really is, for which he overcompensates. This also means he is a lot rougher when making physical contact with people.

It is also why a lot of his clothes are ill fitting.

Four. Jimmy loved cats when he was younger. When he was a kid he used sneak around his parents to feed them dinner leftovers. He was particularly close with a little tabby that cried at his bedroom window every night and he'd always sneak out to pet her. His father grew sick of the strays hanging around the property and put out poisoned food, which unfortunately took out his tabby. To this day, he blames himself for making the cats comfortable enough to take food from his house.

Five. Jimmy has experimented with many drugs and had mostly positive experiences with them. He's particularly fond of Kratom.

Six. Jimmy doesn't try to understand people, he only learns what they expect of him and changes his approach depending on the person. Everyone is so vastly different that he struggles to keep up appearances with most people, so he often latches onto one person (Curly) and puts most of his energy into that.

Seven. Jimmy is the type to give up a hobby if he isn't good at it right off the bat.

Eight. Jimmy can't swim, he doesn't want to swim, and you cannot make him swim. It stems from having a fear of water, specifically fully submerging his head/face.

Nine. Jimmy has food sensory issues. Sometimes he even needs to spit out things he likes because his body refuses to swallow it. To avoid this in public spaces, he takes very small bites and eats very slowly. He orders comfort meals and if he wants to try something new, he'll just pick of the plate of who he's with.

Ten. Jimmy is a Red Bull guy, specifically the Coconut Berry one. This is very oddly specific but it just feels right to me.

Y'all should send me asks with some of your Jimmy headcanons (if you want) because I love to hear other peoples opinions and perceptions of his character, especially if you don't agree with mine I'd love to hear why!

[puppppppppy]

AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY

[youremyonlyhope]

Living with Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors

Me: *Is super stressed over life.*

Trichotillomania: Time to pull some hair! C'mon. You won't even notice you're doing it. It'll make you feel better.

Me: NO. *Spends 4 days putting hair in a mini twist protective style* There.

Dermatillomania: Hey. Your hands are free. And restless. And dry... Pick your skin. Bleed. Bleed.

Me: Stop! *Starts up a new crochet project to keep hands busy.* Ok cool.

Onychophagia: Hi hi. Your nails are.... perfect biting length... you should do that.

Me: Noooooooooooo *Paints nails.*

Dermatillomania: Oh look, you got some nail polish on your skin. Pick it off... now pick some more...

Me: SDJAKFDSJFKLDKAFDJKLAFJDKSAKLFDASL

[cringefaecompilation]

me: hmm i think i will headcanon orym as having ocd and ocpd, he reminds me of myself and my friends who struggle with compulsions and routines we have troubles breaking out of

liam o’brien choosing to portray the most upsetting yet accurate depiction of someone with untreated unmedicated undiagnosed moral purity ocd by sheer accident:

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

questioning sexuality is so exhausting

[villa-kulla]

2024 in review:

January: Strong start, fun at work, creative plans, many outings with new people, successful birthday cocktail bash thrown, plans to keep the momentum going -

January 23rd: cat dies

February: depression/crippling loneliness

March: depression/crippling loneliness

April: depression/crippling loneliness

May: depression/crippling loneliness

June: depression/crippling loneliness

July: depression/crippling loneliness/therapy

August: start dating this guy with whom i have a history because that's just what people do isn't it? he loves me and is ready to settle down, so maybe this is it, maybe i should just settle and join this club of monogamy and kids that i've watched every single one of my close friends join over the past 3 years, leaving my the 7th wheel at every single social function because it's ridiculous that I'm in my early 30s and my most significant relationship was with a cat, maybe it's time to finally grow up and settle for someone, you had a very slutty bisexual 20s back when it was cute, but as long as you're still somewhat attracted to guys, might as well let the pendulum settle that way because it'll be societally easier for you in the long run, and all the while you can ignore the voice in the back of your head that this is wrongwrongwrong and you don't want this, also it's too embarrassing to have a sexuality crisis in your 30s when you've been out since your teens but whatever, and you should settle down anyways because maybe it'll give your life purpose i mean look at your past year, maybe you wouldn't have taken the death of your cat so hard, at least you'd have a built-in social circle, and everyone does say that they never felt truly alive until they have kids/partner, and while your parents never pressure you they've certainly hinted that it's weird you haven't settled down yet and you'd be happier with a family of your own, therefore obviously my life must have no other value, maybe they're right, so let's settle down with a guy whom i quite honestly find irritating now and who doesn't spark joy but it's been hard to tell because everything is irritating to me lately and nothing sparks joy, and i try so hard and stay reasonably social and have hobbies that get me out of the house and am financially stable with a challenging full-time job that's sometimes rewarding and eat well and exercise a lot and these are all Healthy™ things to do so why do i feel like dying every time i wake up and have to face getting through the day, and isn't it pitiful that the one who was always Little Miss Talented and Smart and Pretty growing up has amounted to a sad, lonely, unfulfilled girl who hasn't lived up to any of her creative potential, and people will always see her as a cat lady except even more pathetic because her cat is dead, and maybe my best years are really behind me, and i'll just be stuck forever tagging along after friends who've moved on with their lives, so better commit to this guy you find tiresome right because husband + kids = happiness, maybe those nuclear family people are onto something, maybe husbands and kids are for when the rest of your friends get husbands and kids and you start to lose them because the friendship is different no matter what anyone says, and you've always been good at forcing yourself to do what's good for you, and deep down you know this is nonsense and won't solve anything, but it can't possibly make things worse than you've felt all year, and also this Guy feels like his life is starting over with you, but you feel like your life is ending with him, and the only reason you'd stay with him is so people don't pity you, and more than anything you can't bear for people to pity you and you suspect they all secretly are pitying you simply because you're single and there must therefore be something fundamentally wrong with you, and you used to be able to dismiss thoughts like that as stupid, but then again you used to be a lot more happy, and it gets harder and harder to ignore the thought that something is wrong with you, and the only thing worse than other people's pity is self-pity and every time you stop and think about your unhappiness you cry because you don't see how you'll ever feel happy again and you know you don't deserve to feel this way, but you can't actually remember the last time you were happy, it was certainly before your cat died, and I miss him so much and could this guy just stop fucking texting me for one second, oh god it's me, hi, i'm the problem it's me -

September: depression (but busy!)

October: Meds! / break up with guy + floods of relief!

November: Don't even remember

December: Actually kind of okay!

Anyway, Happy almost New Year!

[mocksyoucondescendingly]

okay but who else ripped up their “bad” drawings as a child? genuinely curious

[astriiformes]

Had a really good conversation with my therapist yesterday that has left me feeling better about life & the future than I have in... months, honestly (which also has me feeling really good about her ability to help me continue sorting through things).

I was talking about my distress about the future and in particular what I'm going to do when I graduate, since grad school isn't the most stable option, and she pointed out that since I was spiraling over hypotheticals, maybe it made sense to simply make up my mind about the first step, since applying to grad school is hardly the same as committing to grad school. And she was so right. I am so good at feeling like I need to make the right, perfect decision -- especially after making mistakes with school in the past -- that I have been worrying myself into depressive spirals over what the "right" decision is here. But making up my mind to at least apply and find out what my options are is a decision, that will give me a lot more information in the long run than paralysis over if it's "okay" to apply at all.

It'll still take a lot of work, obviously, and l don't know if I'll even get in anywhere, much less actually commit to doing a PhD if I do. But it has taken such an incredible weight off my shoulders just to say "Okay, I am going to apply, what next?" Because it means I can put all that nervous energy to actual use! Instead of spiraling the next time I start thinking about my options in the future, I can go do research on different PhD programs (without feeling guilty the whole time, like I have been until now)! I can ask my favorite professors for advice! I can reach out to current grad students to ask what they think of their advisors! All of which is actually productive and will help me make the most informed choice I can if and when the time comes, instead of ruminating endlessly on what the "best" one is!

TL;DR -- my therapist is very smart and understands me and the things my brain gets stuck on in a big way, and her advice has dislodged literal months of extremely disordered thinking just like that. Because now I feel like I've made a choice and have something to work towards. And also like I can breathe.

[jankwritten]

yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit

i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.

i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.

this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[astralvoids]

Funny thing to explain that tends to fall on people's ears even with immense research is how versatile OCD is.

OCD simply refers to obsessive compulsive disorder. It's a disorder around an obsessive thought which distresses which then triggers an compulsion or urge that is done or is on the mind in order to sooth the obsessive thought.

Nowhere in this disorders description refers to cleaning or cleanliness so it does irk me that people still use the term "I'm so OCD" for referring to not standing mess. It's not only immesly rude but also further perpetuates the social myths of what OCD is vs the actual disorder.

I could elaborate further and have spent a long time researching the negative effects of disorders like OCD being buzz terms negatively effecting the people who struggle with OCD but that's another thought.

TLDR: OCD is not a cleanliness disorder or peak organization and schedules disorder. But an actual disorder that affects people in a variety of ways that's not silly goofy

[theexorcistiii]

Is it normal that I feel really seen by the final destination movies to the point that they’re almost kind of comforting

[wild-at-mind]

Just saw a fucking incredible hot take on reddit (my mistake reading there lmao) that said: if a British trans woman chooses an old fashioned name mostly found in the older generation, that's endorsing colonialism and therefore harms her leftist principles.

Genuinely cannot believe I just read that.

[o4o41]

Satisfactory outcome