#and my writing has gotten better overall i think. it makes me want to actually post my little oneshots now 🤔

[arcane-ish]

Arcane Act 1 - Everybody ends up where they don't want to be and why that is a problem

In my first reaction I talked a bit about structural weaknesses and after a bit of sleep one thing popped into my head. I tried to get not spoiled too much but one of the few things I read that there was an interview and somebody from the writing team said that in a way everybody ends up where they don't want to be or something a long those lines.

I think this theme is heavily present in Act 1 already and I think this is kind of a structural writing problem. Because it is usually fundamentally more interesting to see characters have a goal and try to achieve it and either get it or fail than for characters to be pushed into something by higher powers.

The additional problem is that so far in Act 1 we haven't always seen enough of what the characters want instead. So character A wants X, but is forced into Y.

Let's go into detail:

Back when I read the spoiler I assumed it would be something like that:

Jinx ends up as a revolutionary

Vander who wanted to curb his violence ends up as a violent beast

Vi ends up as a cop

Caitlyn ends up in a position of power and influence

Ekko ends up working with Piltover even though he wants to protect his people

Now that Act 1 has rolled around we concrete have:

Vi taking the badge

Caitlyn being thrust into leading Piltover (maybe being thrust into her mother's spot)

Viktor becoming an object of worship without wanting that

We see the first traces of Jinx becoming a freedom fighter and Ekko being pulled into working for Piltover.

Ironically, I think I've been enjoying the story of Mel and Ambessa (I know I'm probably in the minority) because that theme feels least present with them so far or at least they seem to be acting more along the lines of their genuine interest still.

Mel

Mel wants to protect Piltover in her way and doesn't trust her mother. She is also forced by circumstances to do stuff she doesn't like (like agreeing to the invasion) but she's still overall pursuing her interests (trying to figure out what Ambessa's plan is, trying to soften the murderous interests of the rest of the council). Maybe in the future her "ends up where she doesn't want to be" will be her working with her mother or becoming like her.

Ambessa

Ambessa of cource we find out is being hunted by the Black Rose, so I presume her "I don't want to be here" is being in Piltover. But she still feels like she's expressing her personality and making moves and being proactive within the situation she finds herself in. Maybe her ending up doing the opposite of what she wants will be either protecting Piltover or having to fight her own daughter (maybe a Black Rose possesed Mel).

Their stories are more fun to me because they are still in the "want" phase and not in the "forced" phase.

Caitlyn

Next we have Caitlyn. I think she's actually one of the better ones (again I presume many people will disagree with me on that). For one she actually gets some room to express what she wants. She wants peace (scene where sits at her mother's pond). She wants like Mel to soften the blow of Piltover against Zaun to some extent. We can infer that she wants a happy life with Vi (though I think that could have been really driven home if we had gotten a dream sequence which makes it clear: yes what she really wants is sit in a flower field and hold hand and play footsie with Vi, thus making it more tragic when her actions end up driving them apart).

It also benefits from her conflict not being purely external "Ambessa pushed her into taking power", but being actually an internal conflict. She wants to be a good person, but she also wants revenge and struggles with those feelings and her growing prejudice.

Viktor

With Viktor the whole "forced" is most present. He probably wasn't planning to be a prophet, it just sort of happens to him. I think his story is still weak because we have seen very little of what he actually wants. We can infer if we remember season 1 that he wants peace and hextech not being used for war. But in the show it feels very "oh, yeah, gotta go."

Vi

Vi of course ends up taking the badge. I think her story suffers because to me it feels very muddled what she wants at the moment. She wants to help apprehend Jinx. We presume she wants to be with Caitlyn.

Also her "forced" push is pretty unimpressive (like really? being flattered that Caitlyn praised her to other people plays a role?). She protects people almost out of instinct (ie the chemtech attack on the council).

In season 1 Vi's wants were a huge driver of the whole story. Vi wants to prove herself that's why she organizes the heist, Vi wants to make up for the mess she made with the botched heist, Vi wants to protect her family and save Vander, Vi wants to find her sister, Vi wants to rescue Jinx from Silco's influence.

Every single one of her wants ended up blowing up in her face and that made up the deep tragedy of season 1. We like Vi, we care about Vi's wants and hurts us to see her fail. She wants to prove herself but brings tragedy on the Lanes, she wants to turn herself in but gets foiled, she wants to save Vander, but he dies, she wants to find her sister and when she does it turns out that her sister is a different person, she wants to pry Jinx from Silco's influence but it turns out Jinx really enjoys it and there is no way bring Powder back.

In season 2 her wants feel pretty muddled and much weaker. She wants to apprehend Jinx with the task force. She feels bad and guilty over Caitlyn's mom. She presumably wants to be with Caitlyn.

I think it worth noting that there is IMO no strong drive to protect Zaun. I think a lot of fans probably perceived her as this is something she should feel, but IMO I genuinely don't see it.

Vi is somebody who suffers from being perceived as a Zaunite, she has some loyalty in the sense that she doesn't take the badge, but I genuinely don't get a deep connection between her and Zaun. Vi I think is more universal in that if she sees anybody getting attacked she wants to step in and help, there is no special loyalty to her people. She defends the Pilties when the Chembarons attack, she stands up to Caitlyn when Isha is in the line of fire. There are hints of Vi having a codex but I feel unclear on what exactly that codex is (no killing kids? no kiling at all? no killing except proven guilty people?).

Please note how at no point when the subject was on attacking Zaun she brought up Ekko (ie come on Caitlyn, you know there are good people down there, such as Ekko, or no attempts are made to warn Ekko that an attack is coming). [it's a pity I think if this connection had been made it would have ramped up the tragedy and emotional punch a lot, would have portrayed Vi more as somebody who is torn between Zaun and Piltover]

(my personal read is that Vi feels no connection to Zaun because she was in jail for so long and when she came back she no longer recognized it as "her" Zaun and maybe she associates Zaun with having poisoned her sister)

Anyway, Vi's clearest moment of tragedy coincides with her moment of stating an actual believable want and it says a lot about her as a character in Season 2 so far. It's the scene where she tells Caitlyn that everything around her changed and she wants Caitlyn to stay the same.

And of course she states it exactly 5 minutes before Caitlyn changes on her (becoming like Jinx as Vi puts it).

Still, what Vi expresses in that conversation is very telling of her character. That she feels like she has lost her connection to everything and she was clinging to Caityn as her one thing and that that one thing changes and rejects her.

I think Vi's story suffers from her stated want coming to late in the act and her morals being inclear (ie she against killing? can't be since she asks Caitlyn to take the shot on Jinx? so just kiling children? innocents? what violates her moral code and what doesn't?).

Jinx and Ekko

I think Jinx and Ekko are not completely deep in the "forced" phase, but I think they are sort of muted" in the "want" as well. Jinx has expressed that she wants to die but imo it feels sort of half hearted. Jinx says she wants to blow it all up, but imo it feels sort of half hearted. Jinx expresses anger over what Caitlyn using the grey but we don't really see the process of what she does about it.

Her forced aspect comes in the sense of the girl latching on to her (and there's potential there in her repeating what happened between her and Silco) but I think all of the new characters fall pretty flat so far. NuGirl really would have benefitted from getting a flashback to explain her backstory. (yes even if she ends up getting killed)

Ekko just wants to protect his people but the illness of the tree forces him to go to Piltover with Heimer. At this point both his wants and his forced are pretty muted.

Jayce

I think Jayce's story suffers from him being actually the character who is in multiple stories. He's a little bit with Caitlyn and Vi (he wanted to honor Viktor's wishes not to build hextech weapons but he makes them for Cait after all), he's a little bit Mel, he's a little bit in Viktor's story, and a little bit in the Heimer/Ekko story.

I think better writing could have really made use of the fact that Jayce is the character who is in multiple storylines but imo it didn't happen.

At the moment (maybe just because of how Act 1 ended) Hextech feels like his big tragedy. (Mel's line about wanting to protect his dream) Season 1 Jayce was cocky and wanted to make the world better with Hextech (+ be a magician), in season 2 he finds out that hextech is actually completely fucking over the The Arcane.

Again this is something that could really have benefitted to a flashbacks for Jayce's highs when everything was still golden and glorious for him rather than just pans onto his old mug.

Conclusion

Structurally the tragedy is there for everybody, but I don't really *feel* the tragedy of it yet because the show isn't making heavy enough use of contrast (ie investing more time of emotionally showing us what the character actually wants so we can feel the weight of when they end getting the actual opposite, I think flashbacks could have accomplished that).

[samarecharm]

I have so much shit in my drafts. My god.

[readychilledwine]

Rhys w a small reader with a big mouth?

Little Girl, Big Mouth

Rhys with a mouthy reader headcanons

Warnings - implied smut, reader could be seen as trashy but Rhys loves it

A/n - This anon actually came from an IRL friend. She texted me about it, and I had her clarify if she meant a gossip or big mouth as in a girl who is prone to talking shit and fighting. It was talking shit and fighting, so thanks, Sammie 💕💕

Ps- I will figure out what your username is 👀 but you're very sweet for doing this the way the rest of my followers do instead of just texting me first😭

You aren't a doormat. He refuses to let you be seen as one. Even if that means you get into a verbal argument here and there.

Those verbal arguments have gotten physical.

My baby daddy always tells me not to write a check he can't cash (if you don't know what that means, it means don't start a fight that he can't finsh.) You don't have that problem with Rhysand.

If you stand, mouth firing off insults as someone else is, he will stand too. Ride or die, he won't let you fight without him.

And that is if the man isn’t already behind you, warning the male standing over you without even having to speak that if he lays a hand on you or speaks out of line, he will be finding out why Rhysand is proud to be half illyrian.

You do know time and place, but if someone insults your male, your family, or your court first, all bets are off.

Your mouth is equal opportunity. High fae, lower, male, female, high lord? You don't care. All bets are off the table with you. No one is safe.

Beron? Constantly roasting him. Asking him if beating his wife helps him feel like a real male. Keir? Verbally torn apart. How pathetic he must be to think he has some pull when he lost out on being high lord.

Hell, illyrian males aren't even safe from you. Not when three immediately are behind you the second they feel your mood change.

And it isn't that you can't fight. You are well trained and can more than hold your own. He just prefers you let him.

He's only held you back once. It was from Amren, and he hardly caught you in time before you jumped on her.

Cassian was disappointed. He wanted to watch two tiny females wrestle it out. He said it would be better if pretty lacy outfits were involved, but he was ready to settle for you in your dress and Amren in her two piece outfit.

Rhys did not stop you, nor Amren, from tackling Cassian for that comment.

He will throw you over his shoulder, ignoring you as you scream for him to put you down while still running your mouth as you're carried out of the room. But only if family is involved.

Mother knows they are no exception. You all get on each other's nerves from time to time. Besides Azriel. You could never fight Azriel.

Rhys loves it. He loves how spicy you are. He loves how much fight and sass you have. He loves how it's always to people who are mean.

He does love fighting for you as well. Sometimes, he asks you to pick fights when it's someone he has been itching to get his hands on.

He rewards you throughly when you oblige him.

"Where's that big mouth now, darling?" While your back is arched off the bed, and your mind is just a haze. "Thought you had so much to say earlier."

He loves making his girl with so much to say and so many opinions go dumb for him.

He loves it when all you can think to say is his name and barely thrown together words.

He loves putting your mouth to other uses if you start in on him, too.

He'd keep you tucked under his desk for hours, putting your mouth towards something actually useful if you two fight.

And that's rare. Your opinions are normally shared and mutual. It's why you two work. Otherwise, you would be constantly at each other's throats with how vocally dominant you both like to be.

Overall, he'd change nothing about how sassy you can be. He loves you as is. Even if it means you bandaging his hands after a trip to Illyria.

[jocelynscrazyideas]

Baby I’m home! | Nico Hischier x Reader

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Warnings: smut, language, not much of dirty talk (there literally is none).

Summary: Nico come back from a roadie in Minnesota, they had lost their chance to get into the playoffs. Nico gets h0rny and…

A:N- HELP I’m so tired it’s so hard to keep writing, again I don’t have faith that I’ll like this piece but I spent 2 days trying to write it so here 🫶😉🍇

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

After a roadie Nico returns home. The devs went to Minnesota and they had lost. Originally you were asked to come, actually the coaching staff were going to pay for some of the WAGs to go. Last time, the boys had gotten in a huge argument about the gameplay, and who should be on the first lineup. That’s not in their hands, it’s in the coaches and the stats of the players. Anyway, to keep them from miss behaving, the women were allowed to come.

“Baby!” Nico yells out for me in his American accent. He’s wearing his white tank top that stretch over his back and biceps, wow. He’s a smoke show.

“I wish you went! The Girls went out to the bars and the boys stayed behind and watched bar fights break out.” Nico explains. I’m actually quite nervous that he’s not showing any emotions.

Why is this loss so important? Because it was the devils last chance to win or even tie the game to get into the playoffs. Statistically in team stats overall no, they shouldn’t make it, but in number in points from each individual players had, yes they would have made it and probably win. John is an incredible defender, and so is Luke. Jack is a beautifully gifted skater and Jesper has the moves to skate within seconds across the whole rink. Ofcirese, Nico. My beautiful man. He is the most manly boy in the team, big muscles, coordination, and most importantly his social media presence. Everyone loves him.

I mean I love him.

“I know! I’m sorry.” I shout from our bedroom upstairs. Hear bags drop from downstairs and I think I hear some mumbling. I didn’t go on the roadie because I had work and I’m getting the worst headache for the last week.

“I brought up some meds. Does it still hurt?” Nico questioned and he pulls his tank top off and threw it onto our hamper that rots in our closet. Holy heaven of Abs. He’s just so fucking lovable, I don’t care about the fact he’s hot, but the way he carries himslef, he knows that no matter what he does, it’ll be intentional for him.

“Yes, thank you bubba.” I responded as I take the bottle of pills and take two pills. Yes, my head hurts so much I took two.

“Can we grab something to eat? I hungry.” Nico asked as he takes me by my hips.

He grasped onto my hips and ricks me back and forth, I can hear his stomach growl as he rests his head onto my shoulder. He shoved his head into the crook of my neck, I can feel him take my perfume from my body and pull it into his lungs. He’s smiling, I can feel his lips against my ear, and he starts to wrap his legs around my feet.

He starts to hurt me around and now I’m facing him, he’s looking straight into my eyes. He takes my hand and he places it to his chest. I can feel his heartbeat, and it’s pounding. My stomach drops as he sweeps my from my feet and onto the bed.

“Do you want food? Or we can stay in and shower, then you know do whatever.” Nico suggested, I can feel him slipping away from me. He gets up and grabs his bag.

“You better not get your gear! Its stinks!” I yell after him as nico turns to the stairs to grab his away game items.

“Baby!” Nico shouts for me. “Can you grab some milk? I wnat pasta.” Nico I a sucker for some creamy and thick pasta.

I run down the stairs and I slide into the kitchen in my socks. I have on my- well Nico’s favorite shirt on me, it’s a blue halter top that wraps around my neck with beads, it has shells laces together at the bottom almost as if it were a belly chain, and the shirt is cropped above my belly button and it’s ribbed. It’s cute, but it works better for a swimsuit cover up.

“You look sexy.” Nico slips as he eyes my shorts.

Nico,a boxers are a bit to big for me butt I slide them on anyway, and the best part is that it’s plain black, so it really does match my outfit, it’s called my “I don’t fucking care” outfit. I love the outfit, nice and short and skin tight so I can get every little breeze in, especially since it’s March and season is almost over.

“Are you gonna grab the milk? Also while you’re at it could you grab the packaged rav?” Nico requested as he slips his old man slippers on. He collects his supply’s such as a pan, the milk I gave him and the ravioli, and of course some pesto. It’s not really pasta, but he diced up some cheese, slipped some butter in the ravioli, and he stirred everything together. He lets it set as he grabs two plates. I didn’t wnat any but he knew I haven’t eaten since he left. He puts some buttered pesto cheesy ravioli on my plate and as the man he is, he cooked it so he gets more. He just flips the pan upside down and gathers all of the pasta.

He finished up with dishes since we finished the ravioli, it was delicious.

“So, you wanna shower?” Nico asked me and I can feel him getting really close to me. He picks my hands up and we start to slow dance to the sound of construction in the neighborhood.

“Yeah, well YOU need to shower more, you’re stinky.” I say in a sarcastic way. He looks me dead in the eye and he picks me up. He carry’s me up the stairs and he throws me down onto the bed.

The blunt force of getting absolutely demolished by this man felt oddly great. He pulls my hair to the side and he starts to kiss my neck. I feel his stubble graze my skin. He’s warm breath is trapped in between my jawline and his lips. He pulls away and rubs his chest, he walks out of the room.

I hear the shower turn on, he moans along the sound of water hitting the grout in the bathroom. Nico enters the room eyeing his next meal.

Me.

I took my clothes off and I lay back as if I didn’t move. Nico runs towards me and kisses my forehead all the way down to my belly button. He licks my creases. He holds my breasts as he nibbles down onto my thigh. He looks up at me grinning, and I understand what is about to happen.

~

Water is everywhere. Nico had picked me up and slid his pants off. We had been teasing eachother for about three minutes, then he got to needy. His very hard veiny cock hits his abdomen every time I kiss him, it’s like it has its on pulse.

“Never stop.” Nico says as I go down to my knees. I kiss his v-line and he holds onto my hair. He grips onto me and he pressed his back against the wall. I lick his tip, and then I start to pump. I again start to take him into my mouth, I feel like gagging, it’s so gross, I c at take the taste of cum, but for him I will. I start to moan, enjoying my time trying to please him. Nico throws his head back and starts to get loud, he bangs his hand against the opposite wall, and he’s hunched over. I have very little space to suck. The water starts to get cold so I get up from going down on him. I turn the water to a hotter temperature and I massage his biceps, he starts to get really really warm. He dick is really pushed up against himself.

Nico looks like he’s going to cum, I mean he already did in my mouth, but now he’s opening his mouth anbd says “Turn.” One work that this man says to me and I fold. Nico takes me by my waist and bends down. He’s on one knee as he grips onto me. Nico pumps himself, he’s jerking hard enough to cause me cum. He starts to kiss me down under. I look down and he’s on both knees now, making love to my pussy.

I start to move, I can’t take it anymore, I pull his hand away from my upper body and force three fingers up my hole.

“Woah, woah, you can’t get it to fast.” Nico pulls out and sucks on his finger. He gets up and he pulls me onto his chest. I feel his cock on my back. I turn on my heels and I find Nico smirking down at me. I lay down in the shower as steam fills the large room.

“Legs.” Nico says, but in his switz accent. I do as I’m told and I start to run my clit.

“You’re soaking.” Nico eyes my pussy as he pumps into me. I feel his tip, now his whole cock is inside. He’s warm, and I can feel him twitch as he try’s to say, “can I?” He’s asking for approval to start moving, and I oblige.

“Yes, and of fucking course I’m soaking.” I say as I look up towards the hot water. Nico develops red dots on his back as he starts to thrust himself into me.

“Come for me baby.”

I start to moan and I feel him practically in my lungs. He stands up as he starts to cum. Strings of our future kids are coming out of my 3rd favorite piece of him.

“Oh baby.” I look at him and his dimples are showing. I start to cum again when I see him stand up.

I push him back down as I throw myslef on top of him. I sit on him and his friend. I take a minute to catch my breath as I relax to take him. It’s been four days since we’ve had sex. I push my hand onto his chest and my other in his abs, I can feel him cum, streams of warm substance fills me, and I take myself off of him. I sit in his face and he licks me clean, but that’s before I start to cum into his mouth.

“Let’s clean up, so we can do it again later.” Nico request as I get up and I start to clean up my hair from the knots it’s been tangled into. I grab shampoo and lather it onto Nico’s head and into mine. I feel Nico wash his head as the water falls into my crevices.

We warm up and dry off and Nico swoops me up again and he snuggles me into his arms as he turns our heated blanket on. I’m stuck in his large arms and I’m glad it’s him I can feel poking up at me again.

“Baby, I’m glad you’re home.” I say as I turn my head around to kiss his cheek.

[floofeeeeee]

Time to be a little hater HEHEH this my rant on the Kotlc sub reddit

I HATE and I mean HATE THIS REDDIT ONG homophobia has tow down a bit but ugh…this sub Reddit….is depressing as hell

Like LIKEEEEE uh there’s a lot of things I dislike that I’m going to explain here I’ll try not to make it long but I’m a yapper SOO no promises (also there will be so many spelling mistakes erm)

Ok First things first

They hate the books like genuinely hate it, it’s wild. And not in the way we’re there just criticizing like I’ve seen on here. I’ve seen some very good points and discussions that have been overall respectful and you can tell they still enjoy the books even with the criticism. Like I’ve eaten up every book but still had the things I like to nitpick. But on the sub Reddit…it’s such a different vibe man.. like they find it childish (crazy it’s almost like it was made for 12 year old ) and just dislike every book except like the first. They constantly talk about how much they think the newer suck. They hate the plot and most of it writing. At this point don’t read it????? You clearly do not enjoy the books why are you here???

And the worst part is there are a lot of younger kids on there then here.. like these are kids who want to find a space to talk about there favorite books and your just complaining all the time…UUGHHHGBHBHH

PART TWO

The homophobia…. Sighhhhh it’s Reddit idk man but I’ve seen a few things erm.. yeah it’s gotten better like a lot I’d say compared to Pinterest but still it’s gross.

Part three my favoriteeee part! (Lies)

The Sophie hate. (Oh that hurts my soul)

Now I’ve seen criticism of Sophie on here before! It’s normal! But this is actually hate like…Ong why

Let’s just start of with the fact the if you go on there now I guarantee if you scroll down a bit you will find a post hating on Sophie. It’s all the same stuff to “I miss the old Sophie! She’s such a brat now!” She’s so annoying she doesn’t deserve Keefe!” “I hate how rude she is in stellarlune !” That pretty basic and toning  it down a lot . But you get the idea it’s that all the time with a few more things obviously. They think she’s a Mary sue they hate how many powers she’s has they call her weak and are annoyed with the fact that she can’t ever beat the neverseen (it’s almost like she 15 with very little training on how to fight and no one ever offers except until FLASHBACK. when they finally are like hmm maybe we should teach her how to defend herself! REALLY NOW? AFTER ALL THIS TIME??) they give very very little grace.

But it keeps going now there is hate for fitz…but I feel like the hate for Sophie is worse.

That brings us to our next part

There highkey misogynistic .. NOW HEAR ME OUT OKK get it they can dislike a girl character that’s fine! (It’s not /j) but here’s why I think that

fitz defenders on there and they are interesting…like I love fitz lovers on here there very cool and are respectful

Not Reddit!

A litte while back I saw post talking about sofitz break up in legacy and well…they blamed it all on Sophie!!! How sweet 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 now this isn’t me saying she wasn’t at fault at all during that time BUT neither was fitz they both were they both had there struggles and it was clear to me that Sophie wasn’t ready. But they want on a long rent about how most of it was her fault and how much she ruined the relationship…oh my. And yes it’s there opinion but when a whole sub Reddit is in favor of the man more then the woman……….I just thinks it’s weird and maybe this isn’t very misogynistic

But! I’ve seen Keefe lover on There ranting about how bad sophie is for Keefe and how much they hate the idea of them together. I’ve seen multiple post loving both of those boy and ragging on Sophie they praise the boys and hate her it’s it’s so…ANNOYING holy crap I hate it. It feels so misogynistic the way they treat those two boys with so much love and affection even though Sophie shows sighs of similar behavior as both of them BUT NOOOOO she’s annoying bratty B and deserve nothing not like my Keefe who deserves the world……….

I’m sorry if I’m not explaining well and I’m getting things wrong this is fully just me needing to rant about that stupid sub Reddit.

I’m not done btw um

Also I saw this person post such an innocent and nice question on why they hate Sophie so much. They were like I’ve seen a lot of hate on Sophie. And I’m a big fan of her can anyone explain to why? No hate I respect your opinion! Something along those lines

And man…it was all the stuff I said before long messages about why they hate her … SIGHHHHHHHH

Anyways besides that there boring that’s all they ever talk about is this and that and there litte hot takes that are just straight up hate Radom person who nos nothing about it and is like ask me questions u have no idea what this book is about! And that fun until you look at the comments and there just annoying about it..And it’s just gahhh

Anyways my wrist hurts and that pretty much the end of my rant feel free to discuss! But please be respectful this was just my frustration that I needed to get out its not that deep I swear

[leikeliscomet]

Heartstopper's Aspec Representation Isn't For Me - And That's Okay (Mini Essay)

Spoilers for Series 3!

So I just finished series 3 and I feel conflicted. I don't hate Heartstopper at all. I think it's a very cute show. I'm happy queer baby gen z and gen alpha have something to see themselves in, I love how Tara, a darkskin Black lesbian girl is happy in her relationship. I'm happy Isaac makes my fellow aspecs happy. I'm happy Charlie tore Ben's singlet in series 2 and for once the victim/survivor is allowed to not forgive their assaulter. I like Heartstopper's little moments but I've felt like something was missing overall and now we're on the third season, I think I know what it is now. There's comments on BL and yaoi by Alice Oseman I don't fully agree with, some of the acting in the show could be a bit better I guess, most of the characters are comfortably in the British middle class and I am a grown adult now so my interest in school/teen dramas has dipped a little bit (but not you Waterloo Road ily <3). So to an extent, there were always gonna be limits on how much I enjoy this show, but nevertheless, I still think they're worth pointing out, especially if we're claiming Heartstopper for the next gen of queer rep. Because honestly having watched shows like Heartbreak High and Koisenu Futari plus being a massive Selah and the Spades fan, I feel a bit robbed in terms of quality.

Isaac still feels underdeveloped and for a show that's been going on for 3 series now this feels disappointing. Like obviously Nick and Charlie get all the screentime as they're the main characters. Tao and Elle got a lot more juicer storylines from s2, Tara and Darcy got more to work with this series even if it was rushed (oh I miss you long series 2010s shows), but Isaac still feels leaps behind everyone else. He didn't really get anything in series 1. In series 2 we saw him coming to terms with his identity which felt like a good starting point but I was still waiting for the 'big asexual plans' Alice Oseman promised and... nothing. I liked his comment about googling aromanticism to Charlie because the representation by PowerPoint style of aspec writing can get tired. I also liked his moment of feeling left out by his friends plus still wanting to know Nick and Charlie's tea, giving him sexual agency whilst aroace instead of feeding into infantilisation. But apart from that... nothing. I wanted to feel more moved by the aquarium scene, but it felt tacked on because whilst Isaac's upset was justified, Imogen just wanted to chat about gay fish, so Isaac came across as a little passive-aggressive instead of what was supposed to be his moment. Plus it feels a little backhanded how much effort series 1 went to in how big coming to terms with your identity is, plus the gorgeous way Isaac's aroace revelation was filmed in series 2 was filmed just to have him blurt it out in an aquarium and have barely any of his friends actually support him like he supported them. But life imitates art I guess. This whole season we've seen characters talking about university plans, gap years and going through the post-16 struggle. But what about Isaac? We never find out what uni he wants to go to or even if he wants to go. What subjects does he like? What job does he want post-school? What's his relationship like with his family? The people need to know! I always found it weird how Isaac was left out to the point where straight characters, whilst still bearing in mind that Tao x Elle is an interracial pairing between two POC and one of which is a trans girl and this is very rare and deserved representation too, had gotten more screentime than him. Imogen, Sahar, Mr Ajayi and Mr Farouk had all been introduced for bigger storylines but Isaac, despite being in the main group, still had to wait for his share. This series was such a huge moment for everyone but Isaac... again. And whilst I'm happy if everyone else is, I genuinely feel like we all deserve better.

Tori was given bigger moments this series and that was great because I was waiting for my introverted slurping sister to come through. Her concern and care for Charlie and jealousy of Nick were great plus with the introduction of Michael, it was all leading to the big reveal of Tori being ace, right? Right? Wrong, because this scene was cut from the ferris wheel moment and I have no idea why. Oseman confirmed it was because Tori's storyline will continue in s4 and she didn't want to rush it but like, what? Series 3, at least in my eyes, did an alright job at building up her coming out. And again, if Nick could get his bi awakening in a one series arc, why can't this asexual character then too? They also covered Darcy's non-binary transition and coming out in this series too so I don't know why there wasn't room for Tori apparently. There was plenty of room for an 'I'm asexual' within those 5 minutes. Waiting to develop her in series 4, which is yet to be confirmed and likely to be the show's last series so it will already have a lot to do with wrapping up the Nick x Charlie saga seems like a poor decision. This is the second time we've had to wait till next season for the aspec character's arc by the way.

I'd like to see some aroallo POVs on this but this season put a lot of emphasis on linking love and sex together and it felt a bit strange icl. Yes, they're linked socially/societally and it's great to have sex with someone you love and love someone you have sex with etc etc etc but the first 2 series made a point of separating the two by showing love without sex and how it was just as meaningful. Almost every time a character was sexually attracted to another e.g. calling them hot or started making out because they wanted to have sex in that given moment there would be a dialogue from one of them going 'it's okay we're in love 'it's normal you're in love' 'well that's what people in love do!' and these are all correct statements but like... we get it! You don't have to be head over heels in love to find someone sexually attractive or just want to have sex with them. It's okay if you're not in love too y'know? I'm not sure what that constant reassurance was for because depicting sex without love isn't as pearl clutchy as it seems when all parties are safe, consenting and comfortable, or, if you've ever had any knowledge about aro(allo) spaces tbf. Nick and Charlie are not aspec and are very much sexually attracted to each other so the conclusion of them having sex isn't surprising at all, especially when I already knew from tweets back in series 1 that Heartstopper the comic already had a storyline later on of the two having sex for the first time. Plus the other characters aren't aspec either so their sexual debuts are also unsurprising and deserved. Plus, I'm actually glad they included Tara and Darcy having sex because many 'sex positive' shows seem to leave out the lesbians. But for a show with an aroace creator and aspec characters, the depictions of romance and sex don't feel like they were written from an aspec lense or for an aspec audience. It's normal for people to be romantically and sexually attracted to each other and then date and have sex. But if you're aspec, you know this. We all know this. This is the mainstream and default depiction of human (hetero)sexuality. We're watching the queer shows to see something different from that. When romance without sex can only hinge on the characters being below the age of consent plus a supposed 'innocence' due to their young age and sex without love is non existent, plus when you factor in how there are no aroallo or alloace characters in the show with 'groundbreaking' aspec representation, it makes for a bit of a headscratcher. Heartstopper may be made by an aspec, has aspec characters and aspec fans, I don't consider it an aspec show. Bit sad, but it is what it is.

It's honestly strange how despite this fact, asexuality and aromanticism is barely mentioned in the main discourse about this show. Antis claim Oseman is a cishet woman despite being non-binary and aroace. They blame the sexlessness of the show on puritanism despite Oseman being aroace. There's constant arguments about how 'unrealistic' it is for teenagers to not have sex despite Isaac being a whole teenage aroace and how some people just didn't have sex in their teens... like aspecs. People are annoyed the show keeps giving Isaac aromantic and asexual storylines because it's 'not as important' and they 'don't care' as if he's not a main cast member and again, the creator is aroace! If you look at the promo pictures of the show, it has the main three pairings, Nick and Charlie, Tao and Elle and Tara and Darcy and no Isaac. Despite the fact it's supposed to be 'for' us and made by one of us, it's not. And a lot of non aspec queer fans watching the show don't see it for us despite being made by one of us either. And that's a real shame.

I'm fully aware Oseman knows about writing aroace characters from the book Loveless, which has an aroace MC. But I think Netflix choosing to adapt Heartstopper over Loveless was intentional. I think Netflix creating Isaac instead of Aled, a demi gay non-binary character from the og comic, was intentional. I think all the decisions Netlix made with Isaac and Tori are intentional, the same way bringing Yasmin Benoit to the Sex Education writers room to cut half of O's storylines was intentional. Netflix has fumbled the bag with asexual and aromantic representation several times now (Cash Piggot and Todd notwithstanding) so at this point, I'm not surprised anymore. Again, I'm happy for anyone who really likes Heartstopper, but I've finally accepted that it's not for me. And that's okay. When someone makes the predominantly aspec, slightly more grown, queer show with fully fleshed out arcs for its's asexual and/or aromantic characters or hits up Lovie Simone for the scrapped Selah and the Spades TV show, I know where I'll be.

We deserved our moments too. We deserve our Heartstopper.

[sister-lucifer]

Hey I love your work you’re one of my favorite writers on tumblr!! If you want to I have an Idea! Could u do obey me headcanon or fic on an mc who is sick? I love Lucifer so anything with him is perfect! TYSM!!

Demon Brothers With a Sick MC 

The Brothers x Gender Neutral Reader 

Genre: Fluff, could be read as platonic or romantic depending on your mood 

Content/Warnings: He/She Asmodeus, no warnings, just tooth rotting fluff 

Like my writing? I take requests! NSFW or SFW for any fandoms in my bio! 

Also, please reblog! it’s free, takes two seconds, and really helps me out 

Feedback is encouraged and appreciated:)

Not fully proofread! Let me know if you see any errors!

Lucifer 

Being the dad of the house, he’s definitely the most prepared 

And he’s able to keep calm when the others are overreacting 

It’s just a little flu, it happens to humans all the time! 

It’s not like you’re dying or anything! 

…You’re not dying, right? 

No, no! Of course not, that’s a silly worry 

But he’ll keep a close eye on you just in case 

While simultaneously having to keep his terrified brothers at bay so they don’t disturb your much needed rest

He’s already ordered plenty of human world things for you as well since demon sickness and human sickness are incredibly different 

Nothing in the Devildom would work for you 

He’s keeping track of all your meds and when you have to take them 

He’s got a whole schedule and he will make you adhere strictly to it 

But it’s for your own good 

Overall the most responsible caretaker, even if he can be a bit rigid 

It’s only because he cares about you and wants you to get better 

Mammon 

Wait 

You’re sick?! 

This can’t be happening! 

His precious human has fallen ill! It’s the end of days! Its— 

Oh wait it’s just the common flu? 

…Oh 

But what if that flu gets WORSE?! 

And you DIE?! 

WAAAAH—

(Yeah he’s freaking out) 

He tries to hide it at first but soon his worry completely takes over 

He’s practically SOBBING at your bedside as if you have days left when in reality you’re just a little sniffly and have a kind of fever 

He accompanies Lucifer on EVERY trip to your room and has to practically be dragged away from you

He knows you need rest but he needs to watch over you just in case! 

And you better not throw up or anything because that will have him convinced you’re at death’s door 

He’s gonna be an absolute mess until you’re 100% recovered, and maybe even a while after 

And he’ll definitely be camping out on the floor of your room to make sure you’re okay and to get you anything you need 

And that means ANYTHING 

Mammon can swindle his way into just about anything 

If Lucifer somehow hasn’t gotten you what you need already, Mammon has it 

And it was totally worth the debt it put him in

Leviathan 

He’s the second most worried 

But instead of outwardly freaking out the way Mammon does he lays in his bed worrying about you 

Logically he knows it’s not that big of a deal, and in a few days to a week you’ll be all better 

But his anxiety keeps reminding him of that slim chance that you won’t ever get better 

And the thought is just too much to bear! 

He’ll be visiting you a lot too 

And he’ll probably sleep on the floor once or twice too 

He cant do it as often as Mammon since the hard floor is too uncomfortable for him to actually get any sleep 

But it’s the fact that he tried that matters 

He’ll be supplying you with warm blankets and plenty of little puzzles or games to keep you entertained while you’re stuck in bed (Lucifer’s orders)

He’s simply nice to have around and great gaming partner 

After a bit of reassurance he’ll stop being so worried 

And he strikes the perfect balance of being fun company while also knowing when you need your rest 

Satan 

Genuinely the least worried 

Obviously that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, but he thinks his brothers are overreacting a wee bit 

It almost makes him a bit jealous to see them doting on you the way they do 

Even Lucifer! 

Like, what?! 

But that’s okay, because he can out do them all 

When he finally gets a moment alone with you, he makes sure to bring some books 

He’ll read to you for as long as you’d like 

He likes the way you smile up at him as he reads, he can really tell that you’re enjoying not only the story but just his presence itself 

And he gets to share his favorite stories with you! 

It’s a big fat win-win 

He especially likes to read to you at night before you go to bed 

He loves how peaceful you look as you slowly drift off to his words 

Sometimes even the other brothers will join in to hear the stories 

Of course they all leave once you’ve fallen asleep for good, bickering on the way out about something or other concerning your health 

But when he’s sure no one is looking, Satan sneaks back in to your room to give you a kiss on the forehead and a goodnight before heading off 

Oh, and he always leaves a few books on your bedside table in case you want to read them 

They always make him feel better, after all

Asmodeus 

Lucifer has the medicine covered, but Asmodeus takes care of you in a more glamorous way 

Bubble baths are his go to remedy! 

The right mixture of salts and scents can clear your sinuses, soothe your body aches, and even help bring down your fever 

Self care is always important, but it’s especially essential when you’re feeling under the weather! 

She puts together the most amazing bubble baths too; bath bombs, essential oils, candles, all the fixings 

And with a bit of well done magic she can ensure the water never gets cold 

So you can enjoy the serenity of the dimly lit bathroom without a time limit or getting chilly 

And he’ll even write you little notes on the fogged up mirror 

Of course, though, he’s going to ask to join you 

And if you say yes he’ll absolutely spoil you 

She’ll insist on washing your hair for you since you’re so sickly and weak 

You shouldn’t have to lift a finger 

Just relax and let the rose petals in the water drift through your mind 

She’ll take care of you 

For the avatar of lust, he actually manages to be surprisingly sweet 

There are even times when you can tell he’s genuinely worried 

But she knows you’ll pull through 

After the bubble bath it’s right into the comfiest pajamas a Devilgram brand deal can buy 

And then some beauty rest for the both of you 

Beelzebub 

This sweet boy is so kind but so clueless 

He doesn’t even totally realize what’s going on until you tell him yourself 

Of course, he’s handling your meals 

At first Lucifer has to monitor him to make sure he doesn’t eat it all before it gets to your room 

But Beel really does want to take care of you 

Everyone else is doing their part, so should he! 

And that is enough to give him the willpower to make you three meals a day without eating a single bite! 

(Okay well— Maybe he did have a tiny bite, but it was so small even Lucifer didn’t notice! That’s pretty impressive for him!) 

Plus, he always makes double so he can eat with you 

Please remember to tell him how good his food is 

It’ll make his heart skip a beat 

He’s not well thought out like Lucifer or comforting like Asmodeus or even as sneaky as Mammon 

But he cares for you just as much as any of his brothers, and he needs to pitch in and get you back to full health 

He’ll even feed you if you’d like 

Rest is important, right? 

So just lay back and let him do all the work 

Don’t worry, he’ll blow on it to make sure it’s not too hot 

And he’s cut it all up to make sure the bites aren’t too big 

He won’t leave until he’s 100% sure that’s your tummy has been adequately filled 

And if you give him permission he’ll gladly take care of your left overs 

Belphegor 

Belphie is the absolute best cuddle buddy on a normal day, but it’s especially great when you’re not feeling well 

Demons can’t catch human sicknesses, which means he can cuddle up on you all he wants! 

And he will 

Every chance he gets 

Lucifer will try to keep him out of your room, but once he sneaks in there’s no getting him out 

All it takes is one minuscule slip up and he’s taken up permanent residency in your bed 

He’s so warm and soft, just what you need when your sickness is making you too uncomfortable to properly rest 

He’ll rub your back and whisper softly to you, telling you stories about the Celestial Realm and the beautiful things he’s seen there 

You’ll have the best naps of your life with Belphie 

Hell, I’d even go so far as to say the naps were so good theyd probably speed up youre recovery process! 

Although, once he’s in the habit of waking up by your side it’ll be hard for him to stop 

You’ll have to humor him for a little longer 

Maybe even forever if he has it his way 

[billybabearr]

Some BillyBabe fanfic-writing advice needed ⊂⁠(⁠(⁠・⁠▽⁠・⁠)⁠)⁠⊃

So I fell madly in love with the Thai BL 'The Sign'. So much so that it had a horde of plot bunnies run wild in my head.

It gave me so much inspiration that I decided to just start writing again, which makes me unbelievably happy because I definitely forgot how much I enjoyed it.

My story is a RPF about the cast of the show, specifically Babe and Billy, because I just love their relationship (other cast members are featured as well, primarily Heng and Akk).

I don't have a good summary yet, but it's roughly this:

Babe Tanatat never anticipated how much his life would change the moment he stepped onto the set of 'The Sign'. He finds incredible new friends among his co-stars, experiences things he never imagined he would and gets to be part of something truly special.

But every success has it's downsides. From mishaps to accidents to sheer bad luck, everything that can go wrong does.

And if that doesn't make his life complicated enough, Babe finds himself grappling with some unexpected yet very confusing feelings for one particular coworker.

Babe has no idea how he got himself into this mess, nor how he can get out of it.

(Seriously, trying to come up with a half-decent summary is way harder than any writing I've done so far. But I guess coming up with a title will be worse 🫠)

In my story I'm following the episodes, going through them one at a time, picking out scenes that have the potential to go wrong / be funny / etc.. I'm also using the bts-material, as well stuff they said in interviews or offhand comments in their reaction videos (I'm a sucker for details, if you can't tell 😆)

Also, it might have gotten a little out of hand. I've already written around 130k words (not edited or in the correct order, but still), before I decided it might be nice to publish it. And I'm not even halfway through the list of stuff I want for each episode.

And yes, I actually made a list. A (not so) little file for each episode, detailing what scenes and prompts I want there with bullet points for the actual plot. So basically I already have a rough concept/script, but with enough space in between for new ideas.

Since this will be the first time I ever upload a story (on AO3), I'd like to get some opinions on it first.

What do you think about the overall idea? Is it something you might be interested in?

What tense do you prefer while reading - present or past?

What is your preferred chapter length (especially in longer stories)?

What do you think about pictures at the beginning of a chapter? Since I'm following the episodes/bts, there will almost always be a specific scene tied to each chapter. I'm playing with the idea of adding a picture/gif at the start of these. For easy reference where in the storyline we are (or just because they're all cute (⁠◠⁠‿⁠・⁠)). Is that something you'd enjoy? Or do you find it more disruptive/annoying?

And I'm always open to new prompts or plot ideas (tied to specific scenes or not).

I hope some of you can share your thoughts, since I'm a complete newbie to publishing stuff. Any other tips and tricks are always greatly appreciated as well 🤗

Have a good one!

(+ I promise my actual writing is better than whatever weird rant this is. Never done a blog post either, and I'm guessing it shows 😂)

[system-of-a-feather]

Re-establishing Baseline Plan

Since moving, I've (completely understandably and expectedly) had my baseline kinda fucked (did not help by with financial stress + job incompatibility + ear infection + really bad post ear infection cold + probable norovirus in literally one month) and so I've been really overloaded, stressed, and just in a place of mostly survival mode where most of my energy is focused on maintaining my mental and physical state in the easiest manners possible

I have been holding up well all things considered and have set up for a probably more compatible job + my fiance has managed to get a job again that he feels will probably work out well for him and I have at least like a week off between jobs to reorientate myself

So to take a good and active effort to make the best of this time, I want to make a plan to set myself up for success. I actually do this every so often when I really need to pick myself up (historically Lucille would usually do it but pros of being basically fully integrated is that I am Lucille as well as me) and I figured it would be a neat thing to display and demonstrate here cause I'd end up making it *anyways* so why not share with the class

If anyone likes this, yall can borrow it ^^

-----

Question One: What current coping skills and hobbies am I currently doing and trying with my time? Are they affective and would I like to change them?

Art, Drawing, Character Design, Art Fight Prep, Story Planning and Writing

This is one of the easiest and most reliable positive coping mechanisms and has gotten me through the majority of the month mostly on it's own. Compared to other coping mechanisms, this one is almost always something I can drag myself to do or at least ask someone to supervise me to make sure I do it when I feel I need some sort of self care. It serves greatly as an alternative when I find that I am doing maladaptive coping that I would rather not do and when in doubt, it has access to some level of social engagement should I feel I need that. With that being said, having relied largely on this for a month, this is suffering diminishing returns and starting to lead to general lack of inspiration and so diversification from this coping mechanism would be ideal

Weekend Gym Trips

This is actually a really good way for me to release energy, give myself space and time to think, and just feel better moving and existing in my body. It also mandates time for me to listen to music and serves a meditative purpose. That said, I have only been doing this on Saturdays and only once on Sunday and I would like to expand that to be at least 3 times a week or at least more spaced out.

Reading Semi Regularly

This is a new habit and coping I picked up and its actually really good! It provides a unique sense of calm when I need it. Unfortunately I've started to drop off the past week due to general stress and illness, so I think its important to return to this. Perhaps set a general goal of "every other day" rather than every day to lessen the pressure.

Video Games

This was helpful but lately I have been not motivated to play anything and I believe its been burnt out. I think it would be good to resume this but it is currently impractical to force at the moment until overall wellness has returned.

TV with Boy

This is helpful but unforunately nothing seems to interest either of us to watch right now. (cri life is hard /lh)

Board Games with Boy

This is a new one and has actually been very nice. That said, it isn't always available and dependent on my fiance's ability to have the energy, time and interest to play them, particularly since I know he is less interested in board games than me. It is good to maintain the interest and offer, but not a coping skill to become reliant on.

Question Two: What sorts of things that I am currently not doing do I know tend to define behaviors, habits, hobbies, and interests that are done when I am out of survival mode and genuinely enjoying life?

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

Engagement in Exploration and just independent travels without individuals

Engagement and interest in occasionally reaching out to Buddhist environments

Producing art work for the story that is more developed and inspired rather than "quick" or "reference" focused - actually focusing on the creative and artistic expression rather than the practical expression

Increased social circle communication irl beyond my online bestie, fiance, and online friend group chat; reaching out to individuals and developing new irl friendships

Question Three: Which of those hobbies do I think could be the most reasonable and easy to meet sooner than later (even better if I can make steps to start that right now / today)? In what ways could I make steps to make those first changes and help set myself up for success on expanding my engagement with life beyond survival mode?

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

While I am not extensively motivated in any manner to watch anything in particular, I am starting to randomly get a lot of bleach related stuff on my youtube and I have been meaning to watch TYBW arc. I have been postponing it because of arbitrary "I wanna read the manga first" and just general other excuses, but realistically those are putting up barriers that I may not get to at this rate and currently I could just use something I'm somewhat interested in to give me some independent relaxing engagement. I think I can set the goal of actually watching Bleach TYBW at least an episode a day starting either today or tomorrow and see if that can bring a momentum and habit into actually being able to watch things that interest me on my own.

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

I can probably actually take my violin back out. The guitar would probably be better but for whatever reason I feel that my brain thinks that would require more - for a lack of better word - work, so I think I can at least try to find time this week to at least play a little bit of my violin.

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers + "increased social irl connection [...]"

I can reach out and text my new irl birding connections to see if they are interested; if not I can at least plan to take a birding trip later

Engagement in Buddhist Stuff

I know there is an area I've been thinking of visiting that has free english services on Tuesday, I can make plans to go there that day, particularly since my Fiance should be working for the first day then anyways.

Question Four: What are additional goals and check points that we would like to try to bring us closer to the life style that we know tends to support a thriving mental state and life satisfaction rather than one of survival?

Independent Travels

During the time I have, I can keep in mind this goal and if I have down time think of potentially interesting and alternative places to go to explore; additionally I can plan birding trips to places I have not yet checked out.

Increased Social IRL Connection

It is dependent on if my now-ex-coworker still is interested, but I can follow up and see if we want to still play board games; if not I think potential more ways to reach out will be more viable to plan once a higher level of baseline is established; potentially see if there are any in person DnD groups around that I could make a habit of going to or any martial art dojos that we can afford

More Inspired Art

I think this is something that will come with time between lessening the burn out of my current art-as-a-coping mechanism goal as well as actually engaging in more media and independent interests as to gain more inspiration.

Question Five: Summarize the Key Points and Plans Discussed in This into a Bullet Points of Take Aways

Modifying Current Coping:

Diversify and lean off of using art as a main coping mechanism; give that one a break

Attempt to go to the gym more frequently or at least space it out more throughout the week

Continue reading; lessen the ideal to every other day in case demand pressure is adversely affecting it

Keep an open interest in playing board games with fiance

Changes I Want To Make Soon:

Start watching Bleach TYBW w/ at least one episode a day

Bring out my violin and try to at least play with it for one hour this week

Reach out to new bird peers to see if they want to plan a birding trip sometime, if not then plan one independently

Make plans to go to that place on Tuesday for the open Buddhist service

Changes to Keep an Eye Out For:

Opportunities to go somewhere new randomly for no particular reason or goal in mind other than to just see whats around us

Spoons and time availability to see out places to expand our irl social circles

Inspiration for art in general

Question Six: Set for Regular Follow Ups to Check Progress

Isn't tumblr's queue / schedule function super neat for this

[cloudbersoo]

i like you | zb1 hyung line

synopsis: how zb1 hyung line would confess to you

tags: member x gn!reader, fluff, fluff, just fluff!!

my playlist while writing: dust by seventeen, about you by the 1975

word count: 1.2k in total

a/n: hi again! didn’t think i'd write again so soon but it’s raining and i was bored so here i am. i’d like to thank everyone who read my first fic, the likes made me really happy as i didn’t think that many people would’ve found it in the first place! thank you thank you!!!

kim jiwoong 

i think jiwoong probably approached you with the intent of dating you

so he would be quite straightforward with his feelings right from the begging

he always complimented you and flirted with you, so it wasn’t like his feelings weren’t obvious to you

he’d take you on a nice date and walk you home like a gentleman

would finally confess his feelings to you at your doorstep

your third date with jiwoong was coming to an end as you approached your apartment. every date with him has been better than the previous one. you were comfortable with jiwoong and he seemed like a great guy overall, someone you wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with. you were just waiting for him to make the final move. 

he was still holding onto your hand as you two stood in front of your door. he seemed to be in thought, looking at your intertwined hands. “thank you for tonight” he finally spoke. jiwoong raised his gaze to your eyes, keeping eye contact, as he took a step closer to you. “i’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, and would like to keep going” he continued. his hands now finding their place on your hips.

“i really like you y/n, and i would love to be your boyfriend, if you just let me.”

zhang hao

hao wouldn’t make a big deal out of a confession

he’s pretty sure your feelings are mutual (i mean who wouldn’t like him back?)

so he isn’t stressed about rejection

thinks confessing his feelings to you is just one small step in a larger story

he just had to find the right moment to do it

since meeting hao through a mutual friend about a year ago, you have only gotten closer as time went on. people were usually surprised to hear the two of you weren’t dating, as you apparently acted like an old married couple. you never took such comments too seriously, and you would laugh about it together, while still deep down knowing there was something more than friendship between the two of you.

it was another movie night between you and hao, something that has become an almost weekly thing for the two of you. you had chosen a random romcom where the two main leads were friends, hopelessly in love with one another and had no courage to tell each other how they felt. zhang hao found it ironic that he was watching the movie with you, the person he has been in love with for some time now (and was quite sure you felt the same), and never had the courage to actually do something about the feeling you shared. 

“it’s kinda funny isn't it? we’re just like them.”

sung hanbin

unlike hao, hanbin would make a big deal out of a confession

he’d plan for weeks, asking help from his members

hanbin would be very nervous and would barely be able to sleep the night before

he just wants everything to go well

ends up surprising you with flowers and a speech about how much you mean to him

hanbin has been acting weird for a few weeks now, but you were relieved when he finally promised to tell you what had been bothering him lately. he had been very secretive about everything, when he had asked you to meet him in the park at eight o’clock, but you assured him you were going to be there. so there you were, exactly at eight, with yet any sighs of the boy. 

a few minutes later you recognised hanbin walking towards you. he seemed nervous, even from afar. he was hiding something behind his back as he approached you. he greeted you, giving you a sweet smile to hide his nervousness. his hands sweaty, he revealed a bouquet of flowers behind his back, handing them out to you. surprised but happy, you accepted the bouquet as hanbin finally spoke.

“i don’t know where i should even start… you mean the world to me y/n.”

seok matthew

matthew lowkey confessed to you by accident

he would be telling you about his day as normal

then he would blurt out something that would reveal his true feelings to you

and you’d be a blushing mess and be like “what?”

he’d noticed his slip out too late and decides to just tell you everything

it was a normal evening for you and your friend, as you talked about your days. telling each other all the good and bad, relieving stress in each other's presence. matthew loved telling you about his friends' antics at the dorm or at practice, telling you whatever comes to his mind first. he was like that, he had basically no filter around you. 

“...and then hanbin pointed out i always find a way to include you in a conversation, which is true but he had no right to point that out as someone who’s totally obsessed with hao hyung! and then guess what? they started teasing me about how much i love you-” he suddenly stopped, noticing you frozen where you sat, face completely flushed pink. realising what he had just said, his face soon matched yours.

“oh, well… i guess it was sooner or later i would’ve told you anyway…”

kim taerae

would confess to you with a song! (cliche, i know)

there was an open mic event at a local cafe that you made taerae to participate in

he would start his last song by saying it was dedicated to you

the song was the most obvious declaration of love anyone has ever heard

he’d be super shy as he approached you after the show (so don’t keep him waiting for an answer too long or he’ll explode!)

there weren’t often times when your best friend would leave you speechless, but tonight was one of them. he had just sung the most beautiful love song you have ever heard, and he had dedicated it to you in front of everyone at the cafe. this might be the most romantic thing anyone has ever done to you, and you doubt it would ever be topped. your heart was racing, you never knew your friend could have such an effect on you. 

“thank you” you heard taerae say to the mic, finally exiting the stage. applause filled the room, a shy smile entering his face. you could see taerae’s friends going up to him to congratulate him. he eventually dared to look at you, still very shy, knowing the conversation that was waiting the two of you. you could hear his friend’s whistling, as taerae finally had the courage to approach you.

“so? did you like it?”

- end

[lightlycareless]

Wait I'm curious if naoya has a scar from y/n (yk from that night) cuz if he has one I'd would be really funny (and sad a little) after they make out to be asked how did he got that scar on his face 😭😭😭

Heya anon!

I almost forgot about that hahahahahah but anyways, I decided to write a little something of how I think it would go down because why the hell not.

Now, forgive me if this is not that proofread, it was just a quick something I wanted to share after all the angst :> specially after the last chapter I posted :))))))

I hope you enjoy this small thing I wrote 🥺 nnnnghhhhhhhhhhh I love me some fluff. (also, this is in reference to something that happened right over here. That is very, VERY nsfw so proceed with caution)

Naoya and you were cuddling together after a long, hard day of work. He’d just gotten back home from missions, tired of being away from home and overall dealing with people who he didn’t even like—while you from overseeing most, if not all, tasks around the estate—with him absent most of the time, you were also left to tend to his own duties, which were just overwhelming as yours.

So, it’s safe to say both were exhausted, missed one another very, very much, and wanted nothing more than to bask in each other’s warmth.

However, as much as both wished to relax, it would have to take setback when a peculiar sight catches your interest. It’s subtle, almost unnoticeable, the thin streak of discolored skin splayed across his cheek, but to your observants, worrisome eyes it’s all too obvious.

“Did you always have this scar?” you ask, raising your hand to his face and gently pressing your thumbs against it, admiring the contrast between surfaces. While his skin was naturally soft, his scar felt smoother, the aftermath of a rather deep injury…

“No” he responds, instinctively leaning into your touch. “But it’s been a while since I’ve had it.”

You frown, failing to remember when it happened, you think you would’ve noticed if Naoya ever came back home with a bandage or a nasty scar on his face, yet you can’t recall…

“A mission?” you ponder, and he shakes his head with a chuckle.

“No. Actually… I got it from you.” Naoya reveals, and then, your heart sinks, almost as if the thought of you hurting your husband was too big to comprehend.

Sure, you won’t deny that the beginning of this marriage was far from ideal, rocky beyond any questionable doubt… but even then, you never imagined yourself capable of hurting someone, or at least… doing so without eventually discussing it.

How it managed to slip your mind was surprising, or how he never brought it up to conversation…

“When?” you eventually ask, Naoya sighs.

“The day before my exam—the grade one, the first one, remember?”

You frown, looking back on your memories, and then… there it is. That one awful night where you didn’t want anything but stay as far away as possible from your husband.

This was just one of many examples of how much this relationship has changed, for when you once cowered in fear in his presence, retaliating whenever possible, however possible, now can’t imagine a day without him.

And certainly, wouldn’t dream of hurting him.

“Oh…” you murmur, guilt now weighing heavy in your mind. “I didn’t think it actually…”

“No, don’t think about it” he says upon noticing the turmoil in your eyes. “It was long ago and besides… I think I deserved it.”

You press your lips together.

“That doesn’t mean it was right.” you respond. “…even if we were different back then.”

He supposes that statement fits with a lot of things that happened in the early stages of this marriage—specifically the ones he did.

Even if they’ve moved past this difficult stage of their life, Naoya knows that he’ll never be able to make it up to you—no matter what he did, there’s always going to be something in the back of his mind telling him you’ll never truly forgive him.

That he’s not good enough, and that you’re better off with someone else.

But that wasn’t true. If you staying with him and showing concern for his injuries wasn’t proof enough that you’ve forgiven him… then perhaps you needed to remind him.

“Does it still hurt?” you ask.

“No, it never did, really— wasn’t that deep.” He adds with a chuckle. “Didn’t know you had it in you though.”

You pout and this just makes him laugh even more, fluster you even more… before going completely quiet.

No words, no gestures, just both gently looking at each other’s eyes and enjoying the presence of the other, as if nothing outside that room mattered.

After a few seconds, you decide to lean forward, pressing your lips against his cheek and kissing his scar.

Naoya’s heart warms at your gesture, and the consuming urge to embrace you tightly against him overcomes him.

“I’m sorry” you say, leaning deeper into his chest, you’re so close to him you could literally heart the alluring sound of his rapid heartbeat.

“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault” he whispers, pressing a kiss on the top of your head. Even when he was the one hurt, Naoya still finds it in himself to comfort you… The thought alone makes you hug him tighter, heart quickening as you bask in his care. “Besides, it’s a nice scar—I can proudly say my wife did it to me after one particularly rough night…”

“Ah! How—what a pervert!” you gasp, pulling your face away from his chest and looking up to him.

“Am I not telling the truth?” he chuckles.

“I guess that’s one way to put it…” you huff, sighing before leaning back into him.

…

…

“Does it bother you?” Naoya inquiries upon hearing the gears in your head, you sigh once more.

“I won’t be able to stop seeing it now” you confess. “It’s all I’m going to think about when I see your face.”

“Well, if you must… there is a way you can make it up to me” Naoya says, and you swear you could hear him smile.

“Be serious!” you gasp upon catching his intentions, looking up to him “Can’t think of anything else, can you?!”

“Who said anything about that?!” He laughs back “I was talking about—this”

Naoya leans forward, pressing a kick peck on your lips.

“And this”

Another kiss.

“And this too”

One more.

“And that as well”

And another, and another, and another—too many for you to keep count, far too embarrassed to even do so.

“Stop it!” you’d whine when Naoya pressed your cheeks together, forcing a pout out of you. 

“You’re adorable—did you know that?” He chuckles, kissing your pout. “The cutest, most adorable wife ever”

“Is this your idea of making it up to you?! By embarrassing me?” you manage to mutter, tightly closing your eyes as he continues to kiss you. “Stop it! You’re making me all red!!”

“You make it too easy” he jests “And that, amongst other things, is what makes me love you so, so much.”

It’s unfair how he always managed to experience a wide range of emotions in less than a second—from being flustered by his customary and excessive display of affection, to completely enthralled by it, relishing in his love and how lucky you were to have found your soulmate.

It was rough. Almost impossible to find this side of Naoya, help him put down his walls and become vulnerable.

But now that it’s here, you’ll do everything in your power to protect him, to take care of him, love him. You never want him to suffer ever again.

This time, you’re the one leaning forward, doing your best to kiss him through the silly position he had you—and Naoya simply finds your attempts even more adorable.

He gives you one last kiss before cupping your face and making you look at him.

“While I’ll always regret the way I treated you in the beginning of this marriage… I’ll never regret meeting you” he says “With you I’ve learned what it is to be happy, to be cherished just by who I am and not what I represent. With you, I can completely be myself without fear of being humiliated…

With you…. I’ve learned what it is to love and be loved.

And I find it unfair that someone as amazing as you has to suffer for things we did in the past, back when we didn’t know each other, when we had the whole world against us.

So, I don’t want you to dwell in my scar, Y/N. It’s… nothing from a past we’ve long moved on from, you know? If anything, I should be the one carrying that burden… and I probably will, for the rest of my life.” He pauses, you press your lips together, holding back tears. “I want you to focus on our future, what lies ahead for the two of us. Because I, for once, can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Your heart skips a beat at his words, finding them to be nothing but the perfect representation of your relationship with him.

Naoya has given you so many things you’ve only dreamed of, considered unobtainable—like one of those situations where everyone around you was bound to experience them, except you.

Until he came along, and then, that’s when you realized how lonely you were, to the point where the mere thought of being without Naoya hurt too much to even consider.

In more ways than one, he made you whole, he introduced you to a world of completely different experiences. With him you smiled, and you laughed, but you also cried, felt what it was to be in an ocean of loneliness—and yet, you don’t resent him, because you’ve learned the most important lesson of them all: to forgive, and be forgiven.

It takes lots of effort to overcome such difficulties, but with love and patience, everything is possible.

And just as Naoya said, these are things of the past. He had long paid for his actions and redeemed himself, and there was no use in pondering on them if they’re going to sway you away from the future.

From the adversities and blessings, the two are to face together.

“I love you” you say back “And I also can’t wait to live out the rest of my life with you.”

Eternity seems too short of a time to be with him, but you wouldn’t want it any other way.

[detransdamnation]

This month of October is my detransiversary… or at least, I think it is. I’m always all brain-fogged around this time of year. Still weird to think I’ve actually forgotten when, exactly, I threw in the towel. It’s always the things you say you’ll never forget that slip through your fingers so seamlessly, you don’t even notice. How fallible even the landmarks are.

Either way, it’s officially been three years since I last took my hormones. And just typing that out was enough to reduce me to tears.

Thoughts of what I could say on this have been swimming in my head for a while. I know how influencer-y that sounds. But writing into the void helps me cope—in case the chronic word vomit splattered all over my archive weren’t enough of a hint—and I feel frustrated because lately, every time I try to find a way to describe what it has been like to be me, even within the context of Word documents no one else will ever see, that normally-innate ability of mine to get it all out on a page just… eviscerates.

Up until now, at least. Kind of, sort of. I’m jumping at the opportunity because it took over a year to finally show itself.

Despite what my absence here—and this post—probably insinuates, I’ve been doing better than bad overall. But I’ve also been carrying this crushing weight that no matter how good I feel, it will never be good enough for me to not feel dysphoric, or sad, or filled with regrets—and somehow, this has only gotten harder, as opposed to easier, for me to reconcile as time goes on. I don’t think I was wrong to have been at least a little optimistic that maybe things would get better overtime. Guess I’ve learned yet another lesson.

Things haven’t gotten better. All the pain still remains. I do deal with that pain better—but I’m also not one to believe that being able to say “I’m used to it” is a sign of true genuine progress. If I think too hard about the state of things, I can feel the reopening of that wound in the pit of my stomach. It makes me nauseous and afraid. I will shake until I can barely feel my body and yet no other time will I be so painfully conscious of it. My dysphoria has evolved to mean more than merely just “wanting to be the opposite sex,” an evolution so major I almost question if “dysphoria” would be the correct term to describe what I feel sometimes. Regardless, it somehow feels even more sinister when I think too hard about it. There are the rare times I’m actually kind of okay sitting with the idea of just existing as I am… and then I re-remember how most of the physical effects of my hormones never really did subside, not to the extent most people would notice, and I start to long for what I had before the fix that fucked me up.

Except I didn’t “have” anything. I was a child when I started my transition. That childhood self is the only semblance of a “before” I will ever have. I will never know who or what I could have grown into without all this. Though a large part of me thinks it wouldn’t have mattered because detrans or not, I’m certainly something… and I’m not proud of it. No one would be. No one is. And I hate that I still crave that approval from others because it was part of what drove me to transition as that godforsaken teenager. In that respect, I don’t think I’ve grown at all. It makes me wonder how much I would put up with just to feel loved. I’ve already seen how far I will go. I didn’t re-make the mistake of viewing detransition as the antidote to all my troubles, but it’s times like these I wonder… maybe detransition itself is just another ugly representation of a cycle I have found sick comfort in, no hope of getting out. Maybe I will forever be chasing unattainable wishes all to spend years thereafter missing what never was, when I once spent years dedicated to ensuring what could have been would never ever become.

And I will feel disgusted with it. I might even look down upon others who go down the same path, when I’m in my worst of states. But the most I will ever do to “help” myself is pour my heart out onto a page—and I put “help” in quotations because sure, I’m getting all off my chest, but at the end of the day, I’m still sitting on my ass straining my neck to soak up the blue light. I’ve come to pride myself on my introspection, but rarely do I ever feel motivated enough to use that introspection as motivation to actually do something good. It seems all my major life changes present themselves in the form of “snaps,” some sort of external trigger leading to action that’s almost impulsive… and then I just get used to whatever sort of muck I land myself in until the next snap comes along and inspires me to pull myself out. And I will feel disgusted with how long it took me to finally value myself. I’ll pour my heart out and then shrug my shoulders. It’ll happen again. I know it.

But this won’t be news to anyone who’s been here for a while and that’s one of the main reasons why my page has been marred by distance. I feel like I’ve already, by and large, said everything I could say re: detransition, how it concerns me and my experience, specifically. It feels pointless to keep beating a dead horse, especially online. I used to humour how I’d keep on doing it, anyway… I don’t regret it—I needed that release—but the thought of continuing just feels different now. I guess if I had to analogize it, I’d use the acceptance phase of grief. It’s my reality, but I can’t change it any more than I already have—and there comes a point where talking is only dwelling…

…or inciting controversy, which I feel like I do just by existing. That’s a self-centered way to phrase it, and fairly, it stems from a perspective just as much—but it is what I feel and it is the prevailing reason why I have fallen into such a funk. I’ve almost come to consider the very word “detrans” to be an oxymoron I use only since there’s not really any other term that accurately encapsulates this experience. But that’s a long story. I share its conclusion only so that maybe someone else who feels the same way may come across this and know they aren’t alone in feeling it. That’s ultimately why I made this blog and keep on coming back: connection. And in the case there is nothing to connect over, understanding.

It felt so good to get into this flow state again. I hope they will soon be as fruitful as they used to be.

[lawofnamesmedia]

All things end. Remember us. Thoughts on making Arcadia, CA

This was written as a thread for twitter, so the formatting is... exciting.

I spent ~a month trying to write out something about the end of Arcadia, CA that I could read aloud, and add to the episode. I wanted to use my actual, real /voice/ to talk about the experience of this show, & how important and wonderful it's been. I failed utterly. So. Thread.

Arcadia was the very first AD I attempted to make. I'd done audio content before, & a little bit of script writing, but nothing like this. I, uh, also had barely /listened/ to any ADs. The project really was just diving into something thinking I'd figure it out as I went.

That meant I did everything "wrong"-- I cast /long/ before the show was written, wrote as we went, added & /changed/ characters mid-stream, failed to have any sort of outline for the first ...2 years... & overall just... did not follow best practices. At all.

But. Even with all that. We made something beautiful. & genuinely /good./ We told a story that is by-and-large cohesive & coherent, & mostly wraps up all its plotlines & character arcs. A story that is /brilliantly/ acted w/ fucking /stunning/ sound design.

Actors. All of you. I cannot express how much I've enjoyed working with you, nor how fantastic the work you've done is. You ran with me on all my weird tangents & ideas, and some of the best things in the story are ones /you/ brought to it.

@satyrofstrategy-- finding & casting you was random chance, & a stroke of luck that I'm pretty sure shaped my entire existence as an AD creator. Getting you to perform Shakespearean monologues as a quasi-human ~ * actor * ~ has been a highlight. Also, your villain monologue in the finale!

Vanessa- the notes you hit from the very /first/ recording session as a well-meaning mom who very much as Her Own Issues... You never let Holly be /just/ Niko's mom. Even from the audience's limited POV, she had depth. I kind of wish I'd gotten to play with it more, tbh.

Corvyn- Karin was one of the characters who changed a lot in response to the actor. For me, some of the best bits were when she finally hit the wall & couldn't be Entirely Rational Mom. Your voice when she was trying /so hard/ to stay level but FUCKING STRESSED.

Thomas- Wil's story changed SO MUCH, & you took it all in stride. Going from goofy sidekick to antagonist to villain to redemption arc... he couldn't have been in the hands of a better VA. Thank you. So much. (& thanks for the easter egg for him in the stinger ; ) )

Speaking of changing character stories, Rue! I brought you in as love interest & suddenly you're 2 characters in one. Every recording with Purchaser & Elliot afdl;fdashla. I swear, you didn't even blink when I asked about maybe, uh, being faerie possessed?

@superhumanfoods rolled in 1/2 way thru the story & fundamentally altered its course. Your ability to echo other characters' delivery & the just. Baffling /sweetness/ that is Thomas... & also your fucking comedic timing... & how you jumped in with both feet... Thank you.

Cailen- you love Lia at least as much as I do, & it shows in every second of your performance. You are a fucking consummate professional, & staggeringly skilled actor. I loved your willingness to interpret lines in ways that fit her better. I don't think you ever got it wrong.

(Also, I dearly want to include a clip of them speaking in their natural accent at some point, because despite recording for four damn years, I /never/ got over hearing them go from English accent ((specifically regional but I /cannot/ remember)) to American by way of Alaska.)

Izzy is another actor whose switch from natural accent to character voice made me yell & scare the cats. Your performance as Delphine was /breathtaking/ & often really fucking unsettling. Her playing off Cyrus is some of the most horror-aligned content in the show & it rules.

Nick's take on Camren took a character that was supposed to be a fairly flat 2D bully & gave him this unexpected sweetness & vulnerability. It changed his (& the whole) story for the better. His story became one about how even the "popular" kids holding on for dear life.

Thank you to all the people who took on one- or two-off roles. Especially Daniel who reprized Mr. Sudsworth on basically no notice, & added another terrible father to Arcadia's roster, of a completely different flavor than the others.

...ok. Now I get to try to put into words how much mek & Erik's participation in this project has meant.

mek- on top of Niko being written specifically to & /for/ you, you are responsible for this show being what it is, & /how/ it is.

I'd originally planned to record this all asynch. You suggested trying to do it together over voice, & that was such a formative thing that I can't even imagine having done it another way. Niko's dialog may be largely my internal monologue, but it /always/ comes in your voice.

Your willingness to see this through with me, to record at a moment's notice, to help me sort through plotting problems, & to provide impeccable performances over, & over, & over for /four years/ has been the backbone of this show. There is no other voice I could have written for

& no other person that could have played Niko. Period. You let him be the protagonist, AND the audience stand-in POV. You let his /childishness/ shine through when it needed to, but never deprived him of agency or engagement. You showed his /growth/.

(& you pointed it out when I was losing track of his story in the others.) The fact that I can write his dialog almost without thinking is a testament to the consistency of your characterization and performance, and it's wonderful.

I would not have been brave enough to attempt something like this if you hadn't been cheering me on to try it. & I sure as hell wouldn't have kept going if you hadn't been so good at it I needed to know what was going to happen.a Thank you so, so much.

Lord, Erik how do I even /start/ yelling about you? I barely even /asked/ you when we started working on Arcadia, & now you have how many editing/sound designing credits?? The fact that you jumped in with me & said you'd figure it out as we went... I love you.

Your work on this show is so god damn good. Honestly, it /started/ good, & just got better. You produced an episode /every two weeks/ for 4 years with, what? a half-dozen delayed episodes in that /entire time/??????? And they're all /good/!!

More than that, though, you cheered me (& the show) on at every step. God knows I had more than a few crises of faith, & every time you encouraged me to keep going. You got excited about successes, & yelled right alongside me when good things happened.

I am /joyful/ getting to make things with you. Proud & grateful that you wanted to, & /keep/ wanting to. I am so damn spoiled to work with other editors, b/c you can take my "can there be a cricket tantrum here?" sound design notes and make works of art.

There literally would be no show without you. Not just because I'm not a good enough editor, but because you made the process of creating Arcadia so, so good, and fulfilling. I love you a lot. Thank you.

I'll end by saying that listening to the finale, I've realized that this story is /mine./ It's entirely wrapped up in how I think, & feel, & experience the world. Very honestly, it's a show that got made so I could listen to it.

I am thrilled & proud other people wanted to too.

Editing to add

(Fucking hell, this is what I get for copying & pasting from a Discord thread while in a zoom staff meeting.)

Rhys came in with like... 9 episodes to go, & ran away with the character such that they got written in even more so I could keep hearing them. You approached endless alliteration with absolute aplomb, & went from "maternal" to educational to fucking terrifying seemlessly.

I /also/ ended up writing more Mr. Baldwin so I could hear SJ be fucking terrifying too. The perfect god damn hateable man. But still charismatic & believable as a "community leader." ALSO the switch to Baldwin/Purchaser made me yell out loud.

I had no intention of adding characters beyond what I'd started with, but then Elliot. & Thomas. & Mr. Baldwin. & the Curator. ...hell, even the Monarch himself was an unexpected addition. I was so worried I'd end up with a Cast of Thousands that weren't needed, just b/c.

But every character (& actor!) added was such a net positive, & improved the show in very specific and direct ways that only that character (& actor!) could have done. I'm glad I took the risk. And even more glad you-all agreed to come onboard.

(Ok. that's the pre-written thread. from here on, it's off the cuff emotion. I'm sorry.)

[the-last-thread-of-my-sanity]

HII Pam!! 🩷 Can you do on the path that led me to you and answer questions 2,3 and 11? Really interested in knowing your answers xx

Thanks for the ask friend!!

2. I initially came up with a couple of scenarios and like a little list of ‘situations’ I wanted to put them. I drafted out the scene where Armin buys her the pastry, the chess scene (that got scrapped and moved waaaay further out to serve a different purpose) and the concept of Armin giving her a coded map to meet up in secret. The first one I wrote all the way out was the pastry scene and then I just built it up organically from there :)

3. Hmm… this was TOUGH- but I think my favorite moment of narration is this little moment from Annie’s POV in chapter 10- it feels like a thesis on Aruani’s care despite insecurities in a way.

“No matter what she was feeling, she couldn’t allow him to feel useless. His needs counteracted her own, in this case. It was a dance they did with one another, like a pendulum swinging back and forth.

He seemed invested in forcing her to see the good in her that wasn’t there, and she in convincing him of how valuable his life was. And neither one of them, out of practiced care, could let the other fail. “

11. This was a relatively broad question but I think what I like best about this fic in general is 1) that it got me out of a huge fic-writing slump (!!) and 2) that I’ve gotten to engage in this fandom and meet some AWESOME people who have really encouraged me to keep writing and keep me challenged- like I WANT to keep up with it and make each chapter a little better for my readers ❤️

As far as what I like about it in like… I dunno content? I would say that in the act of making it canon-compliant as much as possible I have deep-dived into some moments and interactions and it has helped me feel so connected to these characters and my interpretations of them and overall appreciate the story more. Every time I’m like “oh this is just a headcanon I picked up somewhere” I go watch or read or whatever to get details for my fic and… it’s just accurate. So what I’m saying is that Aruani stans are ONTO SOMETHING. We’re all geniuses actually.

[theadventurek9]

Long rollercoaster of emotions post below.

I think this is it for AKC obedience at this trial.

NQ in utility, first exercise was directed jumping.

She actually got a straight go out for the first send. Which was a win. I was so excited Then anticipated the jump when the judge said 'bar' almost took off. I paused to prove she didn't break her sit, rose my hand up and told her jump...and she took the wrong jump.

I felt so crushed. We get the go out for her to still just fail the exercise. Because of how crushed I felt I reacted poorly, told her no and set her back up again for the second one.

Because I told her no, I undid the success of the go out. She doubted herself and ended up not doing her second go out. She ran to the jump, she just went over. So I opted for the FnG.

She got the go out and the correct jump this time. So I left the ring, frustrated and sad. Aayla could tell.

Ended up in the practice ring to just play and do some very positive go outs and jumps, giving her easy sends and very clear cues. Brought her happiness up, but the damage is done.

I think I feel too stressed and unhappy about utility. I'm letting it affect me in the ring and how I interact with Aayla. Which isn't fair for her, she is doing her best.

I think I need to recognize we are out of time and it's time for her to retire from obedience in AKC and then from ASCA after finals. She hasn't Qed in AKC utility in a long time.

Why can't I just be unconcerned and just enjoy the game? Why can't I sit here and let the errors go? I keep feeling like I'm failing, that if Aayla just had a better trainer she could get this. That she could enjoy this even more. She loves working and once she is dialed in she is good. She is so solid for Open now. She has a 90% Q rate for open. I'm just not good enough to help her get there for utility.

She seems more sound and is moving better this trial. I think the adequan has helped and she seems more happy for obedience in general even if she is struggling with directed jumping. Which was one of the things I wanted to test at this trial, her desire and physical ability to keep competing. Which does seem like it's a green light on that front.

Maybe she could compete for another year but I need to seriously sit down and ask myself if I can handle another year. Now I'm the one with issues. Even as I'm writing this I've had time to cry and walk around and hug Aayla.

Aayla did get a solid go out the first time. She got excited to jump and took the wrong one. Not a big deal. She was EXCITED to jump. I shouldn't be upset about that. She wants to do it. If I had let the wrong jump go she probably would have gotten her second go out and probably had a nice run otherwise. For her the jump issue is an easy fix, she rarely gets that wrong and it's typically because I don't practice the directed jumping portion of the exercise. If I practice she won't mess that up.

Overall it's nothing big. Yet my reaction was big. That's a problem. A big problem. If I was to trial Aayla for another year I need to stop that. Take what happens with a grain of salt. But no more Q goals, just having fun with my favorite girl, my heart dog and enjoying our bind together.

Honestly I need that opinion for Aayla, Ryker and any future dog I have. I want my dogs to be accomplished but getting upset isn't going to get them there. Taking this silly game too seriously isn't going to get them there.

We have one more day and we are just going to go out to have a good time tomorrow and nothing else. I'll keep telling myself she can do no wrong and act accordingly. If it's her last time in the AKC obedience ring, so be it. We will make it a happy one

I have a lot to think through and a lot of self reflection to go over. I'll probably post a lot about it, so feel free to ignore.

[dotster001]

Headcanons for Aquia, Lance, Dia, Sherry and Rio when they find a doodle of them with little hearts around it in the reader's notebook?

A/N: Oh my gosh, this is so cute, I can't even. I hope you like this, cause I had fun writing it

....

They had to miss class yesterday. But they knew you would be a dutiful student and take notes. And you were always so kind, so you didn't think twice when you handed them your notebook. As they started flipping through to find yesterday's notes, their eyes were drawn to their name, surrounded by hearts, in the margins of your pages. Oh boy!

That can't be his name, right? Maybe you had intended to write Guy Avari, but then had gotten distracted by him talking to you? (Sure sweetie, whatever makes sense to you.)

He has your name with hearts around it in his diary, but he can't seem to wrap his head around the fact that it's his name in your notes. 

Probably won't ask you about it. He'll just pretend he didn't see it. And he'll gaslight himself about it too. He didn't actually see his name with hearts around it, he just wanted to see it.  So his brain made it up. Yeah, that's it!

It's gonna be you, who randomly remembers one day that you let him borrow your notebook that you may or may not have written his name in and doodled some fun hearts around. It's gonna be you that shakily approaches him with the ever awkward "Hey…"

He's flustered but so excited when he finds out you did indeed mean to put his name. He's happily reaching for your hands, running his thumb along your knuckles, as he tells you he does the same thing. Quickly starts blushing when he realizes he was rambling. Overall, a good start to what's sure to be a very sweet relationship.

God, this absolute nightmare. I'm sorry you have to go through this boo, because he will torture you until you die.

He had actually been going to classes recently, for no particular reason of course. So he was really irritated when he overslept due to his nightly activities with his drinking buddies. But his irritation quickly faded when he got his hands on your notes and saw Lance Ira with hearts circling it in several spots. 

"I saw something terribly interesting in your notes."

You don't know if you've ever heard so many words leave his mouth at once. But it makes it easier for you to immediately know what he is referring to. And it's that moment you know how fucked you are.

No excuse you can come up with will save you. He has a response to all of it. And it only takes two classes before you just want to punch that smug smile off his perfect face.

"Dragon's teeth, your lucky you look so cute when you're teased."

And now you're flustered for a new reason. And you're ready to tell him to fuck off when he runs a thumb along your bottom lip, before laughing and leaving you high and dry.

Absolute nightmare part two. It takes even less time to remember Dia Akedia written in flowery writing with little hearts in your notebook than it would with Lance. Because Dia is immediately smirking and making his way into your personal space.

"Don't tell me you're trying to escape now?" He'll hum at you with that perfect, infuriating  smile ever present on his face.

Honestly, for the better well being of your heart, you should pull his card and hide in your room all day. Because he's going to be sitting slightly closer, whispering in your ear, and calling you all manner of nicknames, All. Day. Long.

What will break you will be when the day is over, and he gives you the saddest look, as you announce you're going to bed for the night, and says something about you being so cruel with his heart. He thought you loved him? 

Just kill him. He's going to come to class every day from now on just to tease you until you admit you adore him. Just kill him. It's your only way out.

She's torn between wanting to tease you, and wanting to admit her feelings for you. So she does both.

"Y/N, have you chosen a paramour? Because I have a certain someone I'd like to recommend."

She's so cute, and that giggle she gives is so pretty, that you're distracted and don't realize what it is she's referring to. So you probably just say something like "uh huh" which makes her giggle again. 

She realizes that she's going to need some advice on how to proceed, so she goes to Violet to come up with a game plan. Violet's plan is super simple. But they both know it'll work.

Essentially, Sherry returns the notes, pretending she didn't see her name with hearts written around it, and invites you to tea after class. When you arrive, she gives you a flower, and asks you to be her paramour. Maybe she'll tell you what she saw in your notebook after you've been together for a little while. But rest assured, it will come back up when you least expect it.

*Sighs heavily* this himbo.

He totally thinks it's in a friend way. Which is good if you're not ready to ask him out, but bad if a part of you wanted him to see his name with hearts written around it and FINALLY NOTICE YOUR FEELINGS FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Aw, you're such a good mate, Y/N."

God bless Thoma for trying to get him to see how you feel about him/he really feels about you. But it's to no avail. And now a part of you is wishing you had written someone else's name in hopes that he would get jealous and maybe you two would finally move forward.

I'm sorry to tell you, but this is not going to be resolved. You're going to have to try something else my dear. Oh, and you're going to have to explain to Lynt why Rio has written his name with hearts on a paper that he had assigned.