#im just sad and heartbroken iver aayla aging and knowing her retirement is close

[theadventurek9]

Long rollercoaster of emotions post below.

I think this is it for AKC obedience at this trial.

NQ in utility, first exercise was directed jumping.

She actually got a straight go out for the first send. Which was a win. I was so excited Then anticipated the jump when the judge said 'bar' almost took off. I paused to prove she didn't break her sit, rose my hand up and told her jump...and she took the wrong jump.

I felt so crushed. We get the go out for her to still just fail the exercise. Because of how crushed I felt I reacted poorly, told her no and set her back up again for the second one.

Because I told her no, I undid the success of the go out. She doubted herself and ended up not doing her second go out. She ran to the jump, she just went over. So I opted for the FnG.

She got the go out and the correct jump this time. So I left the ring, frustrated and sad. Aayla could tell.

Ended up in the practice ring to just play and do some very positive go outs and jumps, giving her easy sends and very clear cues. Brought her happiness up, but the damage is done.

I think I feel too stressed and unhappy about utility. I'm letting it affect me in the ring and how I interact with Aayla. Which isn't fair for her, she is doing her best.

I think I need to recognize we are out of time and it's time for her to retire from obedience in AKC and then from ASCA after finals. She hasn't Qed in AKC utility in a long time.

Why can't I just be unconcerned and just enjoy the game? Why can't I sit here and let the errors go? I keep feeling like I'm failing, that if Aayla just had a better trainer she could get this. That she could enjoy this even more. She loves working and once she is dialed in she is good. She is so solid for Open now. She has a 90% Q rate for open. I'm just not good enough to help her get there for utility.

She seems more sound and is moving better this trial. I think the adequan has helped and she seems more happy for obedience in general even if she is struggling with directed jumping. Which was one of the things I wanted to test at this trial, her desire and physical ability to keep competing. Which does seem like it's a green light on that front.

Maybe she could compete for another year but I need to seriously sit down and ask myself if I can handle another year. Now I'm the one with issues. Even as I'm writing this I've had time to cry and walk around and hug Aayla.

Aayla did get a solid go out the first time. She got excited to jump and took the wrong one. Not a big deal. She was EXCITED to jump. I shouldn't be upset about that. She wants to do it. If I had let the wrong jump go she probably would have gotten her second go out and probably had a nice run otherwise. For her the jump issue is an easy fix, she rarely gets that wrong and it's typically because I don't practice the directed jumping portion of the exercise. If I practice she won't mess that up.

Overall it's nothing big. Yet my reaction was big. That's a problem. A big problem. If I was to trial Aayla for another year I need to stop that. Take what happens with a grain of salt. But no more Q goals, just having fun with my favorite girl, my heart dog and enjoying our bind together.

Honestly I need that opinion for Aayla, Ryker and any future dog I have. I want my dogs to be accomplished but getting upset isn't going to get them there. Taking this silly game too seriously isn't going to get them there.

We have one more day and we are just going to go out to have a good time tomorrow and nothing else. I'll keep telling myself she can do no wrong and act accordingly. If it's her last time in the AKC obedience ring, so be it. We will make it a happy one

I have a lot to think through and a lot of self reflection to go over. I'll probably post a lot about it, so feel free to ignore.