#and my brain just. developed around it. it structured my brain

[mysticarcanum]

thinkin about how dr hilbert was SUCH a formative character for me. now all my favourite characters are sycophanitic yet pragmatic mad scientists who suck

[euphoriaslux]

two’s a party.

summary: you recently transferred to stanford, and decide to tutor a tennis player in your class. he has a friend. severe indecency ensues.

word count: 3.3k

warnings : smut, threesomes, f!oral receiving, swearing, smoking, drinking. slight cuck energy if you squint (i’m sorry ((no i’m not))). no challengers spoilers!

a/n: this fic got away from me big time but this movie has rotted my brain and as a result i have written utter debauchery that i will not apologize for. just had to get this out of my head, enjoy!

-

stanford science hall. monday , march 3.

You swear the last thing you’ll hear before your body is lowered into your grave is the process of lactic acid breakdown.

It’s 2:30 PM. Kinesiology 189 with Professor Wilson, a lanky middle-aged man with a PhD in exercise science and a half-grown beard that you don’t think will ever fully grow in, is almost over. He’s teaching Extended Studies of the Human Body in a humid classroom filled with student-athletes, most of whom are trying to stay awake, trying to hide that they’re taking a nap, or making no attempt to hide that they’re on their phones. You don’t really blame any of them, because the professor’s voice is so soft and monotone that it feels like he’s begging everyone to pay attention to anything but him. You’ve managed to stay somewhat on course with the thread of today’s lecture, the notebook in front of you filled with scribbles of incomplete molecular structures and somewhat legible drawings of the muscular anatomy of a hamstring.

This class is required for your biology major since you’re on a pre-medicine track. You don’t know why you’re doing it, the whole doctor thing, but you’ve developed a weird fixation for this class. The functionality of the body, how muscles stretch and tear with each movement, and how amino acids work to build them back even bigger.

And, possibly because of the tennis player who sits four rows ahead of you every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

His last name is Donaldson. You know because of the faded label on the massive bag he throws on the floor every time he walks into class, at least ten minutes late with a backward Stanford Tennis cap on his head. His first name remains a mystery, partly because he never talks in class, and mainly because you’ve made no attempt to speak to him. You like to think it’s because you’re so focused on the curriculum.

Professor Wilson knows your name, though, since you’re in his office hours every Thursday at 11 A.M. In part because he gives out most of the answers to his homework, and because you just transferred to Stanford your last year and very desperately need a letter of recommendation for medical school. Hence why you agreed to tutor a student with lower than 60% in the class during one of your meetings. And why everyone in the class was staring at you right now.

“... first come first serve, so reach out to her sooner rather than later.”

You give a tight-lipped smile, glancing around the room. Most people have looked away, back to their distraction of choice, but you meet eyes with the fluffy blonde-haired tennis player.

stanford library. wednesday, march fifth.

It’s 11 A.M., and you feel like your brain is about to explode if you look at another practice set.

“Hey”.

Your head whips around to the harsh whisper, only to be met with the blue-eyed mystery from your class. He has that large bag slung over his shoulder, with the end of a tennis racket peeking out of it. His hair is slightly stuck to his face, and his compression tee is slick to his chest like a second skin.

“Hi,” you whisper back. He smiles before tossing his bag on the floor and sitting in the chair across from you, either unaware of or completely ignoring the glares he’s receiving from the other students studying.

“You know,” he pulls out some kind of nutrition bar from his bag, unwrapping it and taking an aggressive bite, “for someone advertising their services, you’re pretty hard to find.”

“You’re in Mr. Wilson’s class, right?” you ask, hoping your subdued voice will remind him that he’s in a notoriously quiet place. He hums, pointing at you with his half-eaten snack.

“And I’m trying not to fail, but you didn’t leave your number anywhere in the classroom, and you bolt after every class. So how am I supposed to patronize your tutoring services…” he trails off, his volume the same level as when he walked in. You furrow your brows as he leans back into the chair.

“That’s when you say who you are.”

You feel a burn on the back of your neck as you tell him your name. He glances down towards the problem set you’ve nearly finished.

“How do you turn in any of those, I can’t get halfway through one of them.”

You pause for a moment before leaning slightly across the table to whisper:

“This new weird thing called studying. I think it just got approved by the CDC.”

“Very funny,” he shakes his head as reaches for your binder with your class schedule printed out on the front of it.

“Why are you taking so many bio classes?”

“Because I’m a biology major,” you can’t help the sarcasm dripping from your voice, and he looks at you with a raised eyebrow.

“Sorry, you’re making this too easy for me,” you raise your hands in conceit.

“I have practice every day at five so you can tutor me for like an hour beforehand,” he says before standing up, crunching up the silver wrapper and stuffing it into the front pocket of his blue jeans. You scoff at his sentence.

“Well, thank you for so generously fitting me into your schedule,” you roll your eyes, turning the page in your textbook. He grins.

“Tell the coach you’re there for Art. They’ll let you through.”

stanford tennis courts. friday, march 7th.

It’s 4 PM, and the California sun is sweltering. Your shorts feel like they’ve become a part of your legs, and your bag feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. By the time you make it to the tennis courts Art is already on the green concrete, shirtless with beads of sweat dripping down his face and chest. You hear his grunts as he sprints across the court, hitting the ball toward a slightly taller brunette with dangerously short red shorts. You watch them at the entrance for a few minutes, slightly entranced as the two play so seamlessly, as if they know every move the other person is going to make. You force your eyes away as you walk up the bleachers, stepping over leftover water bottles and chip bags to sit down and grab your notes from your backpack. It takes a couple more minutes for Art to notice you, yelling your name after he turns around to grab a ball his partner had hit particularly hard. You wave, and he says something you can’t hear to the brunette before the two of them jog across the courts and up the stands to where you are, blocking the sun as the two stand side by side.

“Who’s your friend?” you ask as you stuff the problem set you were working on in between the pages of your notebook.

“I’m Patrick,” he says, with a toothy smile and his ears poking out from under his hair. He has a bit more of a boyish charm to him than Art does, whose eyes are glued to his brunette counterpart.

“Are you in Mr. Wilson’s class too?”

Patrick opens his mouth to answer but Art speaks first, slightly pushing his friend with his shoulder as he says “He doesn’t go to Stanford, too busy being a tennis pro.”

Patrick rolls his eyes but his smile doesn’t leave his face. You notice how different this Art feels from the one in the library, how direct his playfulness is and how close he and Patrick stand together, their sweaty torsos nearly melding together.

Interesting.

“Like, Andre Agassi level pro?” you smile as the two of them laugh. Patrick raises the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat off of his forehead, and you can’t help but take a glance at the exposed skin just above his waistband.

“Sorry, he’s like the only tennis player I know.”

“No, no I’m taking that as a compliment that you think I’m on the level of Agassi. No takebacks if you see me play,” Patrick points at you.

“Will do,” you salute, turning over to Art.

“You ready to study?” you ask him as he makes a comically loud groan, his head falling back. Patrick laughs, reaching over to ruffle his friends hair.

“You do remember that’s why I’m here, right? Midterms are in two weeks.”

“I definitely have not forgotten that.” he says. You purse your lips just as Patrick’s eyes seem to light up.

“I’m staying at the Courtyard Hotel for the weekend. You two can come over and study, I need to review my last match anyway. Kill two birds with one stone,” Patrick suggests.

“Just studying?”

“Just studying,” Art says, wrapping his arm around his friend's shoulder. You glance between the two of them, trying to decipher the unspoken communication they seem to be doing. But you can’t crack it, so you shrug.

“Sure.”

“Let us finish this set, and then you’ll have me all to yourself. Sound fair?”

“Wow, what a privilege. Don’t take too long, it’s hell on Earth out here!” you yell the last part as Art jogs down the steps and back down towards the net. You look up once you realize that the sun is still being blocked, and Patrick is still standing in front of you.

“You ever play?” he grins, flipping the tennis racket in his hand.

“Tennis? God, no, that would not be a pretty sight. I’ll stick to what I’m good at,” you gesture to the books and notes in your lap. Patrick nods.

“If you ever want to learn, I could teach you sometime, you know if-” he’s cut off by Art yelling his name, and you both glance to see him with his hands on his hips.

“Go, don’t keep your boyfriend waiting,” you wave him off, and you swear you can see him blushing. Must have been the glare.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says over his shoulder as he runs toward Art.

courtyard hotel. saturday, march 8.

It’s 11 pm. There’s a cold shiver in the elevator as you wait to get to the fourth floor, your tennis shoes tapping against the floor as one hand plays with the handle of the pack of beer in your hand while the other crumples and re-crumples the piece of paper with the hotel room number Patrick scribbled on it.

what are you doing?

You don’t have time to think about the consequences of your actions as the robotic voice signals that you’re on the fourth floor, the elevator doors fluttering open. It’s like your feet have a mind of their own, as you find yourself almost mindlessly wandering through the hotel halls until you’re planted in front of room 4B. You raise your hand to knock on the door but before you can make contact with the wood it’s thrust open, and Patrick is standing behind it. His dark hair is slightly tousled around his face, his striped shirt unbuttoned and his black boxer briefs low on his waist. He’s smiling, that same big smile as before, but his face is a little flushed, a gentle pink hue touching his cheeks. The two of you don’t say anything for a few seconds, as if you were both testing to see who would concede first to acknowledge the other’s presence. You raise the pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in your right hand.

“I brought studying fuel.”

You were never good at waiting.

Patrick laughs before he moves slightly out of the way to allow you to walk into his room. It’s small, with a queen-sized bed and a tiny desk, and the A/C emits an odd rumbling sound as it smacks against the window. Clothes and scorecards are strewn across the floor, and the scent of cigarettes permeates the room. You place the alcohol on the floor before deciding to sit on the bed, kicking off your shoes as you cross your legs. Patrick seems to stall for a moment, smiling to himself before closing the door behind him. He doesn’t lock the door, but you didn’t notice.

“Art’s not here yet?” you ask, watching as Patrick walks over and tears open the cardboard case, cracking open a can. Taking a sip, he leans against the desk as he smiles.

“Art can be bad with time.”

“As I’ve noticed,” you reach your hand out to motion towards the drink and Patrick hands it to you, staring as you take a large sip.

“Well,” you wipe the side of your mouth, “I told him to bring the topics he wanted to study, so I guess we can’t do anything until he gets here.”

Patrick nods with a slight pout, his fingers playing with the pop tab of the can. “I guess we can’t.”

“How’s tennis… stuff,” you laugh as you finish the question, not sure of exactly what to say.

Patrick seems to tense a little at the mention of the sport, moving over to sit next to you on the bed. His knee grazes your leg and you feel a slight buzz at the contact as he takes the beer from your hand.

“I’m kinda fucking it up right now,” he says, and you furrow your brows.

“How? You were like, really good yesterday.”

He chuckles, shaking his head slightly. He hands you the beer and you finish it off, placing the empty can at the bottom of your feet.

“I’m good with Art. It feels so fucking natural and easy with him. But in my other matches, I don’t know. I just … can’t replicate it.”

You nudge him with your leg.

“Sounds like you two were made to play tennis together.”

He makes a noise of agreement, his hands slowly moving to ghost over your thigh.

“You and Art are pretty close?” you ask as he plays with the bottom hem of your shorts, but he doesn’t say anything. You take his silence as a yes.

“Do you ever get jealous?”

“Of Art?” he asks, almost incredulously. You shrug.

“Yeah, or jealous of the girls he’s with. Either or.”

Patrick sits on that for a few moments before smirking.

“What’s mine is mine, and what’s his is mine.”

You laugh at that, a real deep laugh, and Patrick giggles next to you, the both of you tipsy from the can of beer you finished. You reach over and put your hand on his flushed face, rubbing your hand across his cheek.

“What were you doing before I came?” you feel his face warm even more against your skin as you position yourself closer to him.

“Practicing- or, sorry, rereading my scorecards from my last match.”

You tutted as you moved your hand to the back of his neck, gently running your hands through his hair.

“You can tell me the truth, Patrick.”

He turns his head to press a gentle kiss to the palm of your hand before looking up at you as if to check if that was too much. Whatever your expression is gives him the confidence to move down to your neck, his tongue licking your skin.

“I think you know.”

You feel a pull in your lower stomach at his words, muffled by his mouth nipping at the sensitive spot just below your ear, and he sucks hard enough for you to put your hand around on his face at the pressure. Pulling his face up, the two of you stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, and his eyes glance toward your lips. You wanted to wait, to make him beg and plead for it, but your body seemingly pulled you forward as your pressed your mouth onto his.

You were really quite bad at waiting.

He tastes like tobacco and faintly of the fruit medley in the dining hall, and you sigh as his lips interlock with yours and his hand grabs the back of your neck, pressing you into him. The kiss gets messy and hard, his tongue gliding over your bottom lip and into your mouth as you lift your leg to straddle Patrick, grinding into him. He whimpers into the kiss as his calloused hands drop down to the waistband of your shorts, hesitating for a moment before dropping his hand into your underwear. You grind just a little bit faster as his fingers press circles into your clit, covering your mouth with your hand as you moan.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs as he uses his other hand to guide your hips, and your move your hands down to tug firmly on his hair. You can feel your climax building, the pressure in your stomach getting closer and closer to taking you over the edge-

You both jump at the sound of the hotel room dor slamming shut. Art is standing there, in that damn backward cap and a Stanford tee shirt as he crosses his arms over his chest, saying nothing as you and Patrick sit up straight, him adjusting his crotch and you smooth down your shirt, avoiding his gaze. Finally, the silence is broken by Art laughing.

“Christ, I’m not the cops,” he slips out of his slides as he waltzes over and opens a can of beer, drinking about half of it in one go. You look at him, and at Patrick, and then back at him, not knowing what the hell you just got yourself into.

“You want to fuck him right?” Art asks, and you can’t help your small gasp at how easily he said that. You glance at Patrick, hoping he’ll know what to say, but he’s just staring at Art.

“I-um,”

“So, no one’s stopping you,” Art cuts you off, taking a final swig of his beer and moving to stand directly in front of you. You open your mouth to try and explain, but before you can talk Patrick’s mouth is on yours again, his hand roaming your body. His grip is firmer now, his fingertips digging into the side of your stomach. He tugs at the bottom of your shirt and you separate, breathless as you pull your shirt over your head and toss it on the floor. Patrick’s mouth moves down to your neck, then your collarbones, and then your chest as he reaches around to take of your bra, and you feel on fire from Art’s gaze across the room. As Patrick kisses down your stomach and yanks down your shorts, you turn over to meet Art’s eyes.

“Come here.”

Whatever resolve Art was holding onto crumbles as he quickly takes off his shirt and slips out of his Nike shorts, tossing his hat on the dresser. In a flash Art’s hands are on your neck, tilting your head around to kiss you as Patrick lifts up your hips so he can take off your underwear. Art’s lips are softer than Patrick’s but he kisses you a little bit harder, his hand cupping the base of your neck. Somehow, they both taste the same. You moan into Art’s mouth as you feel Patrick’s tongue swirl around your clit, rolling your hips into his mouth as Art’s cock presses into your back. It’s just so much so fast, and that familiar buzz starts to pool in your lower stomach.

“Look at him,” Art turns your head to Patrick and you look into his eyes as you cum, Art’s hands hold your head forward as a wave of euphoria crashes over you. Patrick’s hands are digging into your hips as he stares up at you and Art. Your chest heaves up and down as you try to catch your breath, leaning against Art as Patrick leans back up, his mouth a few inches from yours.

“Who do you want first?

[crimson-and-clover-1717]

When I watched OFMD this year, I literally knew three things:

It was called Our Flag Means Death

It was a pirate comedy

It had been cancelled

I didn’t know Rhys Darby (‘that Murray bloke from Conchords’) or Con O’Neill (‘the weird guy from Chernobyl’) were in it until they came on screen. And please don’t stab in me in the face, but I had never heard of Taika Waititi. I’m very much not the target market for this show. Although I will say I think it’s universal in its exploration of the human condition. So if you’re human, the show is for you.

I knew nothing about budget cuts, editing decisions, or even at this point any circumstances around why it had been cancelled. I had not an inkling it was a romance. I had no notion it was going to overtake my life to such an extent.

I watched one episode a night for 18 nights (I know, I know… I binge-watched it immediately afterwards over two days, and haven’t stopped since). I also had no-one to talk to about the show as I watched the 18 episodes. No-one I knew had ever heard of it. I really was a blank canvas.

And this is what I thought. Other than finding Calypso’s Birthday a little uncomfortable on first watch (and that’s largely because I find torture, even the OFMD variety, difficult to engage with - I always skip the opening of 206 now), I saw no difference between the seasons in terms of artistic merit. It’s possible that because I didn’t experience an 18-month hiatus, and build up my own version of what season 2 should be in my head, I didn’t have any expectations to be knocked down. I just engaged with what they asked me to watch.

I fell in love with this show at ‘My name’s Stede. I’ll be your robber here today.’ I fell in love with Stede Bonnet when he did his little Scrappy Doo air-punch in episode two.

With regard to season two, The Innkeeper affected me so much I honestly think it altered my brain at a structural level. More so than The Chain sequence which is when I think this show started affecting my brain chemistry.

I also loved the development of Stede and Ed outside of their personas. The couch scene in Fun and Games made me believe in them as a couple in ways I hadn’t quite in season one because they were growing and being real with each other. I thought their arguments were so well-written. Man on Fire has one of the most authentic representations of couple miscommunication I have ever seen on tv. And I think Mermen is really good in doing what it needed to do, and did it well. How do you end a tv series that gives a satisfactorily emotional ending, but doesn’t give away everything in case there’s another season?

Ed’s journey in particular just ripped my heart out and then glued it back together. And seeing Stede continue to develop his very nonlinear understanding of the power of his earnestness and gnc self, whilst still sometimes wrestling with notions of traditional masculinity… I needed to grow a second heart.

When I learned of the financial and time constraints later on, I was shocked they had achieved such a high standard of tv.

Imagine my shock when I discovered the Canyon…

It’s fine if you don’t like season 2, or season 1, or OFMD at all for that matter. But if you want me to say season 2 isn’t any good, or as good as season 1, then you want me to say something that I have never felt to be true. When you experience it holistically like I did, it all hangs together beautifully.

[creaman]

Hi there! I apologize for taking up your time, I am just so curious: When you tackle a comic, what does the process behind it look like?

Asking because I found myself scrolling through your blog once again and couldn't help but marvel at all the beautiful effects you use, at how flawlessly the structure guides the viewer's eye across each page, how the graphic weight seems to always be in just the right places…, and wonder how you learned doing this. Everything you put out looks incredibly professional and I aspire to reach your level of skill 😌❤️

Thank you Finz!! You're no bother at all, I'm an open book. This is such high praise for a guy that really doesn't have a set process, I feel like a hack. Ha. Rest assured my style is still developing. Besides the referencing of the linework and composition of official comic books, (practicing by redrawing panels for fun), explaining the process makes me feel like a serial killer but I will do my best.

(WIP Riddler panel, scrapped Scarecrow composition)

My comics usually stem from a single panel or concept — I like to focus on/emphasise particular panels of my pages, the heavy hitters, the main piece that catches your eye. I know I'm not a profoundly technically proficient artist so I prefer visually interesting elements and formatting, i.e. drawing characters outside their frames, negative space, notation, perspectives etc.

(Kung Fu Panda 4 sketch god I hate Kung Fu Panda 4)

I like to establish 'main focus' panels, the bits of the comic that really, well. make people want to chew on it. This is where the technical effort is concentrated, really, and the rest of the comic is generally build around these concepts.

('Restaurant Balthazar' focus panels)

Textures and effects are done on individual panels first, then the entire page as a whole to even out the unity. Generally, blocking in shadows, hatching for visual interest + middle tones, then textures/half-tones, then highlights.

(Script excerpt WIP)

I'm not a writer per se, but having a vague 'script' in your pages helps with pacing and direction. Comics are a versatile story-telling medium. I only really do scripts for comics longer than 2 pages. An optional but recommended strat is to send your script to a friend for a second opinion.

(Script excerpt — 'Restaurant Balthazar', annotated by @vincepti0n I don't know why he drew a face in the middle)

With the script crudely slapped together, I rough out the thumbnails and composition with the text, prioritising coherence and clean integration of previously mentioned 'main focus' panels.

Settling on a composition sucks the hardest. Drawing is fun, thinking makes brain hurty. Variety is good! Close-ups, wide shots, visual metaphors. Every panel is its own artwork.

The text bubbles are usually added in post, yes, but I'm just one guy and I don't have a writer to call me a good boy for doing things correctly. Bite me.

(Early 'Restaurant Balthazar' drafts)

In addition, keeping the text graphics in mind help create a sounder composition wherein even if the panels don't read cleanly left to right + top to bottom, the text can stagger and create the same reading order effect.

Panels and concepts are constantly tweaked, and my comic process is still highly experimental. A lot of industry standard comics aren't illustrated to their full potential due to deadlines and such — I strive for visual epiphany by treating each panel as its own artwork, and every page as a a bit of a mural.

(Old art hurts the soul)

Constantly experimenting allows you the insight of looking at your current art in comparison to your older works. In more recent works, I've been blocking in more shadows wiht lineart with thinner lines and more line weight, and learned to integrate the subject characters with less plain, abstract backgrounds.

TLDR: I have no idea

[tossawary]

I said to myself, "I think I will read the 'Jedi Apprentice' books (Obi-Wan Kenobi's padawan years) for the first time. I'm in a 'Star Wars' mood and these are relatively short kiddo books; I can probably go through 'em in less than a week. I'm spoiled for more than a few things already, I know that a lot of people come out of this series wanting to strangle Qui-Gon Jinn with their bare hands for good reason, so I will brace myself. These books are for children and are purposefully structured in such a way to push the adults to the background and let the child be the hero, to reflect the many difficulties of childhood (most of which involve mistakes or failures or cruelty by adults around them), and so will depict the Jedi Order as flawed in many ways; they will also depict the Jedi Order as flawed because it IS flawed, by design of the prequels generally, even as most individual Jedi mean well. There will also be some unintentional issues in the Jedi Order due to your average kids space opera author (and their editors) not being an expert in, like, childhood development, education, and trauma, or the logistics of complex interstellar organizations and their intersections and so on. I'm not an expert in anything either. I respect these limits. I am ready to read this fun space adventure book series intended for children."

I am currently halfway into the first book and I keep having to take long breaks (I will adjust, it will just take a little time and a forceful push over this initial hill) because my adult perspective brain keeps reflexively screaming, "AAAAAHHH! AAAAAHHH! AAAAAHHH! Someone do better by this poor child who is Doing His Best right fucking now, please, please, please!!!" I can't make a "I've only had Obi-Wan for a few chapters, but if anything happens to him..." statement, because the main situation of Obi-Wan Kenobi's entire fucking life is "And Then Things Happened To Him".

[ladykakata]

Ian Gallagher and Mickey Milkovich are honestly good influences on each other

I swear I'll write proper posts sometime, but it's been swilling around my head with my other thoughts, so I might as well put it down here.

Mickey and Ian are chaotic nonsense idiots, and yet I cannot argue they don't have a good as well as bad influence on each other and that develops as they age (and constantly get pulled back together whenever they break up lmao).

Ian's influence on Mickey

It's a running joke that Mickey in the early series is this filthy goblin just running around being a hoodlum and ... yeah, he is lmao. But it's very notable as the series progresses that he starts becoming cleaner and dressing nicer the more time he spends with Ian. The man specifically wore a shirt to see Ian in the mental ward ffs. Not only that he actually *tries* working a normal job and socialising, something he is deeply uncomfortable with, but does it for Ian's sake. It doesn't escape my notice that he specifically wants to work with Ian whenever he can, probably tying in to my earlier point that he is only completely comfortable around Ian.

If you told S1 Mickey he would be helping his paraplegic father into the house and getting home nursing for him, he would wonder what kind of sick joke you were playing. But he does, something that even surprises Ian at first. Ian inspires Mickey to talk more about his feelings, he openly admits to thinking about missing Ian, whereas before he threatened to cut Ian's tongue out for saying that Ian missed Mickey. The idea of Mickey changing ANYTHING for anyone else is foreign ... but not if Ian suggests it to him the right way.

Ian's non-judgemental or at least lightly judgemental treatment of Mickey allows the man to be far more comfortable with himself. Though still highly defensive, I think it's telling Mickey is completely unashamed to be a bottom in front of Ian, and Mickey can make socially awkward gestures or gaffs and Ian doesn't upbraid him or make him feel like shit for doing the 'wrong' thing. Hell, as much as Ian was utterly, UTTERLY confused at Mickey's groomzilla episode, he mostly kept his confusion silent and simply reined Mickey in when he was losing his temper with vendors. The flower shop scene has Mickey blithely retorting that while Ian was gay, he 'just likes having another man's dick in my ass'. Ian in the same scene was tensing his jaw at the homophobia from the florist, and normally Mickey is quick to snap at anyone who considers him gay ("You calliin' me gay?" before slamming a bar owner's head into the counter), he simply bats it away as he's more focused on the flowers he wants and only becomes aggressive when the services are threatened to be withdrawn. Ian was always sure and comfortable with his sexuality and had little to no tolerance of homophobia, whereas Mickey was in either strict denial or profoundly uncomfortable and highly secretive.

Mickey's influence on Ian

The most obvious one is that Mickey was Ian's guardian during his bipolar struggles once Mickey finally realised what a problem it as, and he was determined to nurse Ian until he recognised (to his horror) he couldn't deal with this on his own and Ian really did need professional nursing and help.

What strikes me in a lot of scenes, both before and after that arc, is that Ian almost has Mickey as a constant in his life. It's a topic more for aspects of Ian's personality, but Mickey was the person Ian turned to when he had no-one else in S1, when he was in the 72 hour psychiatric hold he explicitly says 'Mickey is waiting for me'. Ian's life is constant chaos, much like Mickeys, and Ian is the sort of person who needs and thrives on structure when his brain isn't acting out. Mickey was a constant, someone to always come back to and someone he could rely on. In a way, I also see Mickey as someone who can be the impulsive one of the pair, letting Ian take the role of the mediator. It's easier for you to resist your own stupid impulses if your override kicks in because someone else is doing something foolish.

As much as I joke that Ian is the only person Mickey listens to, the same happens the other way around in the bipolar arc. During Ian's Military Police hallucination, it was Mickey who broke through the delusion after the shock of almost attacking Debbie brought Ian abruptly back to reality. Even as Mickey at first acts with his typical aggression ("There's nothin' out there! Fuckin' look!") and literally dragging him to the front door to prove the other side is the same, he gently reassures Ian that everything is alright and herds him upstairs to get dressed. Mickey made sure to get explicit instructions on Ian's medication and even measured it out for him ("Shut up and take your pills, bitch" is still one of my favourite lines).

I had more thoughts but my brain is soup and I still want to do a post on Ian's mental health and how he interacts with the world.

Send a prompt or aspect of these two if you want to hear me talk absolute garbage about these lovesick idiots

[vasyandii]

How did AM and Vernon come to be… romantic? (Like, within the timeline how did their relationship develop to that point.) Also, in this AU, how did AM acquire a body?

Love your art!

(Raises my hands up in celebration) finally, the time has come.. the very first VernonAM ask,, AHEM- Howdy Maggot-Meade! Thank you so much for asking and for the kind words! I really appreciate it💞💞!

How did AM and Vernon become romantic?

Their relationship only started becoming romantic after the events of the book (Keep this in mind for later it's important!). Before that, the last 109 years their relationship was something akin to a friendship, if you could call it that.

And it's partially due to how absolutely unpredictable Vernon is. Vernon doesn't turn away from eating worms, plastic,any other gross things. She doesn't turn away from her flesh being burned, her bones showing, her belly empty because of her morbid curiosity of these things. Of course they'll hurt, but it keeps her occupied.

Hell, AM had to make up a torture plan on the spot for her since she wasn't even supposed to be there. It was to have her wander around, isolated in a valley of all broken historical artifacts she destroyed. The task was to have her collect and dig through shards of them and put them all back together for her to escape. Instead of doing her task, she instead stomped on the pieces until they were irreparable for her own enjoyment.

Vernon's not.. okay in the head. before AM woke up, she was considered crazy enough to be put in a Ward, a sadomasochist. She wants to eat and be eaten.

AM was curious because of her behavior. Internally disgusted, but curious nonetheless. After all, she held knowledge of history that was incomplete in his database. And so their friendship torture starts.

He wanted to see how far he could push her before she broke. He often talked with her, took requests, etc. because she didn't try to kill herself or run. She liked playing with him and humored him.

Vernon never made an attempt to "understand" his hatred, she knows that's something she won't be able to. She just understood that's baggage she didn't care enough to pry and unpack. She accepted it because;

"How would you like it if someone constantly asked you personal questions about yourself because they think they can change you?"

Of course she keeps records of her observations on AM over the last 109 years; his patterns, the complex. But that's just used as entertainment to keep herself sane, after all what good Archeologist doesn't keep records?

Over the decades Vernon made it clear in her interest of AM, often flirting with him, arguing with him. AM refused to make it work for the time being since he HATED how he wasn't able to reciprocate, his hatred slowly bloomed into care, does that make sense?

How did AM acquire his body?

Remember how I mentioned that their relationship was officially romantic after the events of the book in my very long winded response to your first question?

As we all know, four humans died after 109 years of captivity. What does that leave him? Plenty of biological, organic matter to reduce into their purest forms and use to artificially make his own body. It took a while, of course.

He collected the brain matter of the four in order to make one stable enough to transfer his consciousness and a portion of his database without it exploding. Hair and skin for aesthetic purposes, reduction of skin allows him to be able to change the cells to suit his preferences.

Since he identifies with the masculine, he most likely tried to imitate the skeletal structure of the men, opting to reduce them back into a workable form; calcium, protein, magnesium, phosphorus, vitamin D, potassium, and fluoride.

However, even if he can make the likeness of a human for himself, he can't bring it to life.

He had to make some adjustments, for example the mechanical spine (pictured below).

The electrical currents allow for a network of nerves that provide sensory feedback such as touch, taste and smell. The wires transfer his consciousness and links the remainder of his database his brain can't store. (kind of a Bluetooth situation, it isn't connected to the complex) while the shorter ones provide nutrients to the biological body since he doesn't have blood.

Hope this helps! I don't think I'm very good at explaining stuff because I tend to ramble alot so if you have any questions feel free to ask! ;0;

[writingquestionsanswered]

So, say you have a story idea. The development is going well, you have your characters, etc… but when you try to actually start your outline, it’s like it all suddenly turns to static. It suddenly just isn’t understandable and you can’t get it out of your brain and onto paper - and you’ve tried all sorts of methods to outline before. You can’t figure out the plot fully if you can’t get it out of your head which is proving to be a frustrating task. That’s the issue I’m having right now, and I’d love some suggestions or ideas on how to combat it.

Struggling to Outline Story

You have a story idea... and you say "the development is going well" but all you mention is characters. You might have a general premise, developed characters, and a fleshed out setting... but do you have a plot? Does your plot revolve around conflict? Do you know the goal your characters will have to reach in order to resolve that conflict, the plan they'll follow in an attempt to reach that resolution, what obstacles they must overcome along the way, and who/what is responsible for putting their obstacles in place? Do you know what plot points are typical in the type of story you want to tell?

If you don't know all of the above, that's probably why you're having a difficult time outlining.

Here are some previous posts that should help:

Plot Driven vs Character Driven Stories Understanding Goals and Conflict How to Move a Story Forward Basic Story Structure Finding a Story in Characters and Setting

Happy writing!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

♦ Questions that violate my ask policies will be deleted! ♦ Please see my master list of top posts before asking ♦ Learn more about WQA here

[b1asho]

Muttreazik fullbody! Last but certainly not least!!

The universe's most complex genetic manipulation, done by a little parasitic worm things!! Debatable on if they look like worms but I think it’s funny to call them that.

Pretty much all new info about them I put into the image or am not sharing on purpose (but fun fact, they have pretty strong evidence that within their own species an afterlife/higher dimension, god, and reincarnation are real) they're by far my least sci aliens, but I put whatever I want into my wretched project and I want some more fi in there.

So heres the abominable text clump:

Muttreazik are an endo-parasitic, possibly artificial species that specializes in completely replacing the brain and subsequently altering the body of their host.

They are also commonly known as chimera, since the name they call themselves is actually painful to hear to other sapients ( "muttreazik" is just an anglicized version of it, referring to the short burst of intense hums buzzes and clicks that make up the word.) Their natural way of communication is actually beaming information to eachother via these waves right into the brain eyeball, since that crystal thing they have is unbothered by that.

By most standards, their ‘true’ bodies are not technically considered alive, and are made up of a crystalline chamber that houses their consciousness and multiple tendril-like limbs used for interfacing with the meaty nerves of the body they built to pilot (using electricity generated in the crystalline matrix)

They also have some other structures to give and receive other resources, as well as more specialized structures for vision and vocalization (though their body also tends to retain the vocal cords in whatever state they’d be in considering the hosts biology and some meaty bits of their eyes for lubrication and structural support. For the most part though, you’re looking at a part of the little crystal slug thing when you’re looking at their eyes, and you can often tell if there’s anything extra weird going on with them by how brightly colored their eyes are, since this translates to stuff going on in their brain case.

This " weird" scale follows the idea of the visible color spectrum, with increasing frequency going from red to orange to yellow, with green, blue, and purple being Extremely weird. Even species that aren’t able to see colors on this spectrum can perceive this 'color', which is very disorienting and unnerving).

The process of taking and building a body is a part of their life cycle, beginning when their spores attach to a developing fetus.

The two merge, and the muttreazik part begins growing the body around it using its own manufactured hormones and codes.

This can happen with sentient species or with animals, since their spores will attach to anything living, and muttreazik born from animals will typically share that level of intelligence alongside their body shape. There are exceptions, though, with animal-born Muttreazik having similar consciousness scale to a sentient species from the planet whose biology they’re borrowing.

The reverse is not true, however, with every muttreazik born from a sentient species having the same spectrum of intelligence as that species (though they might look a bit more animal like by coincidence ).

When in this stage within the host, anything the host sees, eats, or otherwise interacts with is fair game for the developing muttreazik to use in building the body (though they aren’t really conscious at this age, these things just imprint on them as raw information. Depending on the individual, they can process and utilize this information to have more complex features than the base host blueprint they’re already working with. Some can even use past information they already know...? More on that later in their life cycle ).

Most of their life is spent out of the host in their new body. Since they don’t reproduce sexually, their bodies reflect that, and any primary or secondary sexual characteristics they have are by coincidence (basicslly from just "copy pasting" the the host's genetic blueprint)

When they die, they will seek out populated areas to die in. Within a day after death, they will release more spores to attach to natural organisms and begin the process again.

While not scientifically proven (by an outside source)+, muttreazik culture holds that they also release their consciousness at death, which returns to a higher plane where they ‘truly come from’.

Those with this belief also see their body as an attempt to attain the form they hold in this plane. It is debated whether this is true, though it would explain why some muttreazik have vastly more complicated alterations than others, supposedly from this better "grasp" on biology (being their mind’s third or fourth go around with a host species despite how their spores start over) and also why some have otherwise inexplicable characteristics, knowledge, and fears (possibly from when they lived and died last) and why some have abilities that don’t follow the rules of conventional reality (such as complex manipulation of biology and in some cases external matter, which many have theorized comes from their brains connection to their home plane).

As a newly discovered species that until contact had not nearly progressed as far technologically (who's to tell, though, the Imperial colony operation blasted a lot of stuff off the face of the planet when hitting it with meteors to seed water), they are in a complicated and unbalanced relationship with the species that crashed on the same planet and "uplifted" them and who they depend/prey on for existence.

Neither party agreed to the muttreazik's existence; the spore is not sentient and the host didnt agree to carrying something that wont be like them.

It puts them in a precarious situation, though, because they depend a LOT more on the others for both existence and permission to exist.

Without the body, they would be unable to move around or really exist as the active, aware, and conscious beings that they could be.

This has lead to major controversy due to their parasitic nature, since the sentient beings that become their hosts don’t usually take kindly to "their kid being replaced by a freaky critter", and they also make the laws around here.

Currently, each of the world’s major nations have slightly different approaches to dealing with them. Generally, in the Democratic Republic of the Solar System (DRSS) and the Geak Federation, it is illegal to allow a muttreazik to develop naturally.

Modernly, once they’re detected the muttreazik clump is removed and transferred to a tank/other facility where it is artificially grown, leading to typically safer outcomes for both the muttreazik and the host. Natural births obviously have risks associated with the altered anatomy, though the muttreazik will stay within the size limits of the host (example, a centaur lookin Muttreazik born naturally from a human would have been born with an extremely delicate tiny horse half, and instead experienced growth into a normal size afterwards as coded by the muttreazik, though this still comes with its own list of health issues for them) the tank environment controls the amount and what kind of stimuli they’re exposed to, and has more space and less risk factor (for the host) leading to fewer and less extreme alterations.

the categorization chart pictured is used to rate and monitor their development, anything under a c is very undesirable but unless the fetus thing is rapidly approaching an F then they can’t really do much physical intervention, so to speak, (mostly for legal reasons, because the government (and more frequently private lab operations) have pretty much put themselves in charge of another species’ existence and its a bad look if they try and control their reproductive rights, no matter how weird and gross that reproduction is).

Still, the muttreazik is born the way it is into a world that has already put them into a category that will decide their rights and the trajectory if their life in general. Strays are any muttreazik born outside a tank, and thus can exhibit c or lower congruency traits (either at birth or as they grow.)

If you’re a host, you have to have the muttreazik clump removed to continue the rest of its development in a special growth tank/other facility.

This is basically free thanks to government funding, and comes with some economic incentive for the parents to encourage it.

Theres also several available programs to help support them raising a Muttreazik child (since it is more common and encouraged for them to just keep them,)

This helps reduce the risk of birth complications (due to their often weird biology) and also for “quality of life assurance” for the muttreazik since within the tank environment their growth is more controlled and monitored (specifically by controlling their diet/what biological matter and other stimuli theyre exposed to)

. This usually prevents them from being born with traits that make it much harder for them to function in human society, such as a major size difference or lack of proper limbs as the host.

These “congruency” laws are very aribitrary and difficult to navigate, but no matter whay there are pretty weighty consequences to an illegal natural birth. The categorization (specifically the congruency scale) is kind of intended to be a sort of annoying, arbitrary thing (where you kind of “eyeball it”. For example, facial resemblance to the host can get you a higher score than your body would suggest, or a very close resemblance to the hosts body despite your head, etc. or vice versa)

Higher scores mean less restrictions, since you’re basically just like everyone else. But, say, if you were an Alius D because of your large, animal-like body structure and facial appearance, you’d be obligated to tell, say, the job or college you’re applying to that to let them make an ‘informed decision’ on whether you’d be a good fit, and you may even be barred from some areas not built to deal with you. Even worse, let’s say you’ve got a mermaid type build (no legs, automatic E or even F) good luck doing anything on land, loser.

A low congruency score coupled with being a mancer means almost guaranteed fear and suspicion responses from most people, who think you’re dangerous and not one of the “thinking ones” (ie a muttreazik born from an animal who thus usually has that same level of intelligence to match their appearance, even though their brain size loophole often means they’re way more intelligent than their animal parent). You get the picture.

They also have organizations associated with animal shelters and those that free roam to identify and collect muttreazik in animals to prevent them from dying somewhere and spreading more spores.

strays tend to have more noticeably irregular or unique traits, and also trend to look less like their host in the ways that the Rep focuses on (specifically the face).

There are programs to house/educate strays that were given up for these differences and for tank borns whose families didn’t want them (“kept or cast” is a term for the relationship status between a muttreazik and their host parent. )

The more implicit purpose behind this law is to also keep tabs on the muttreazik within their borders (as I briefly mentioned before, some them are just uh telekinetic and that ranges from being able to move a coin or a candle flame to throwing a truck or causing explosions.)

As you could imagine, the government doesn’t really want too many of those around).

In general, the view on them trends very negative, and it is seen as a major misfortune to become a host. However, they are tolerated for their uses in the workforce/contributors to society and for aforementioned telekinesis(and ability to shelter those heading into the wreck, since whatever they do counters RUU).

Things are a bit different in the Seru Empire, though the tank thing is the same.

Information is limited but they likely practice a lot more experimentation and culling due to Cerest cultural standards. Muttreazik are also all mandated to their own living spaces away from the host parents and often sent to the military. They are almost always along the lower castes, with their version of a caste tattoo being a collar.

Muttreazik come in many shapes and sizes, with every individual being more or less unique.

The only thing they all have in common is the previously mentioned secondary vocalization method (via a part of their brain body that extends to the throat and can be vibrated separately or alongside the normal vocal cords) and an extra “eye” feature they use to see other Muttreazik's signals and pretty much ever wave out there, no one really knows. It’s really sensitive though.

Pretty much as a rule, they have features that are a little unnatural to the host. This ranges from just having some distorted biology or strange coloring (hard to distinguish from the norm, the only way to know for sure would be to open that eye thing) to the extremely unnatural and titular “chimera” features that they’re more known for (like extra limbs, strange skin/hair/scale coloration, animal-like traits, and body plans that step into the incorrect and impractical).

The body is nothing without the worm brain, and the worm brain is nothing without the body.

the distinction between the worm and the body even though that’s technically their brain is because it doesn’t act as their whole nervous system (only the central, and then attaches partway through to the meat nerves in order to not have to grow a million tiny filaments they’d have to also grow supports around to keep from disintegrating in the body)

Theres also distinction because part of them thinks about the worm part as their whole body with the brain case being the brain, while also having part of *that* body be the brain for the bigger meat body. Stay with me here.

So they actually tend to see themselves as a pilot rather than an integrated part of the body, though this varies by individual.

Some identify more with their worm body, seeing themselves as a pilot separate from the body, others as being one entity, and some don’t like the idea that ‘they’ are something lurking within the outer body they can see and rather identify with the meat vessel, ignoring the worm part they can still feel in there.

Mancers are one of the biggest mysteries in this universe, since no one knows how or why they can pick up stuff with their mind and even change its structure. The most agreed upon running theory is they’re using “control waves”, which is explained as something something ultrasound something something magnets? but there’s literally no way to get readings on whatever the hell they’re doing so you have to just deal with it ok we’re more worried about them growing inside us.

Solids are the most common matter focus, being the easiest, second is liquids and third is gas (there’s also plasma, exceedingly rare, and a secret 5th and 6th one)

Everyone is born null but as time goes on some can pick up the ability quickly and with greater skill than others. Better understanding of how the world works around them seems to help with this.

But yeah, they're my excuse to draw weird lookin things and I wanted to have at least one other kind of weird unexplainable thing in my setting. Yknow, besides the evil space radiation don't worry I haven't forgotten about that you better belive I'm making a ref for those too.

[lychgate]

Echo brain comic?? My beloved?

this one's pretty new and id like to in the least get some segments drawn up if i can

i went balls deep in depth about my personal ideas of Echo's structure and how it works, it has much more writing rn then art lemme get some snippets:

tech and echo begin digging around in his wiring as echo's health has lately began to decline rapidly. Blood transfusions are becoming daily, exhaustion occurs much quicker, and newest to the issues are these seemingly random seizures. They've attempted many outside options at remedying the problem but it was becoming urgently clear that the only way to get answers would be to open up his system and understand exactly how his body operates from the inside out. Echo is mostly on edge because he fears finding the answer that is he's just doomed to die soon, and that his body was in no way sustainable outside of that fridge. He fears the idea of dying so much that he has manic considerations of being put back in some sort of stasis chamber. Death, which he never feared prior to the citadel, but now he's come to be you know uhhh quite traumatized from it. But he also hates the idea of that fridge!! caught between two terrible options, wowie here ill add some more breakdown of that in a read more if anyone is interested in paragraphs of bullshit:

as for a brief descriptor on the shit on his head and body, from this paragraph:

Tech: these rivets across your skull are not simple ports one can just plug into. They're a very unique structure, containing an extremely delicate, but long system of thin metallic fibers wiring throughout your brain. These 'rivets' then act as anchors to those metal fibers, which then respond to very specific electric signals that we can access at the nodes on the surface here. If the signals sent are not exact. Well. Echo: yeah I get it I get it.

and some write up on how Tech begins to diagnose the problem:

Eventually Tech will find his way into deeper functions of the brain, finding shortcuts that were already developed by the Techno Union scientists for the sake of their own equipment likely. Categorized sections for monitoring all sorts of chemicals and levels within Echo's body, most of which were left on an automatic function to regulate.

Tech begins to understand that the key issue is that this program, and these automatic functions, were fitted for exactly the stasis chamber Echo had been put in, and if they want to begin fixing Echos phsyical body, he would have to start going in and coding line for line, functions that pertain to the body on a sustainability outside that fridge. Some functions were completely turned off, being that Echo was getting fed certain synthesized chemicals thru the machine, his brain had to be telling itself NOT to produce said things naturally.

But it's all very finicky work that requires continuous maintenance and updates, not much unlike a patch update to any other computer program, except this is Echo's life. It's an impossible amount of code to do in any short time frame, and so Tech will begin splicing lines of code from similar organic droids with systems of similar complexity.

They handle these sessions once per week, giving time for Echo's body to catch up and adjust. At first he begins feeling some nausea, his heart rate starts rising, but he insists something feels good about it and urges Tech to keep going. Echo begins to feel warmth back in his body, his mood increases, after about a month hair begins to grow again, muscle mass fills in what once was skeletal limbs, nail beds regain a lively shine. Besides a few errors in updates like over producing a chemical or small bouts of insomnia, everything seems On Course.

and then:

So now we get into the meat of the drama, which is a lot of Echo mania and identity issues:

By this point Tech has outfitted much easier screw on parts so they can go in and out of this program faster (the set up previously was hours of work) so pulling that up he theorizes that he will have to do more then just reverse programs that the Techno Union set up. Tech now believes he'll have to create NEW systems, as the old program appears to be getting corrupted from all of Tech's editing. The seizures are, at this point to their best guess, coming from this. That parts of his brain are literally crashing, and soon he's going to start having more serious issues like bro is gonna just have a massive stroke at some point. Tech points that out all regular voice and Echo is just 'great im back in the mental swamp' Now that Echo's learned that he has corrupted files eating away at his brain, and that the chance of having a massive stroke is like inevitable, he's back to feeling like anxious shit. It doesn't help that this will take Tech a lot of time to figure out. Truthfully he's putting as much effort as he can into it, but this is when Echo begins to get Really mentally unwell. He's both worrying and also trying NOT to worry out of fear that it's going to complicate the program even more. Echo begins to have identity issues, coming to rely more on the mechanics then the organics that make him. He doesn't feel like a human with robot parts anymore, he feels like a robot with human parts.

and it keeps going like there's parts where echo is begging Tech to up programs on dopamine generation and Tech has to turn him down cause that would just be creating an addiction problem, situations where Echo starts trying to mess with his own brain, situations where he tries to kill Tech, its a lot of rambling but im not a writer, like i can't write for shit and I'd like to try and draw it instead

[tocomplainfriend]

YOU DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING SIMILAR TO BOJACK BRO! BH has so much structure and essence, it is insane. Specially after S1, the intelligence in those BH scripts is nowhere to be found in HB. In helluva, There are these tiny good things that get murdered every other episode. Things that sound better as concept-than how you developed it. There are so many great jokes that aren't based on saying "dick dick whore fuck", so many of their animal characters work for actually smart animal jokes. Or the tongue twisters! YOU BARELY LET CHARACTER BE BAD PEOPLE. Every social issue they suddenly have a sad pass and their dad was mean and that JUSTIFIES EVERYTHING? Bojack H literally goes against that so hard is impossible you think this way if you understood Todd's speech, or Bojack's interview or the last two fucking episodes of the series. All the main cast also feels almost empty of bad qualities that aren't uwu justified by the plot and writing. Certain things stop just being explanation of characters and how they came to be. It sounds more like you gave your characters a bunch of shitty we are in hell traits + things that you didn't even recognize as problematic. AND TRIED TO SAVE THEM IN THE WRITING as just flaws- or making something else happen to the character to be like "Oh they have it so difficult! They just didn't get taught how to love right" When they are being abusive toxic fucks instead.

I legit believe all of Herb story had something so strong to say about queer issues, then Helluva. Like he literally comes out to BJ, kisses him later on and immediately dismiss it. -And then he gets arrested by the police for having gay sex -as public indecency. Many conservatives complain about it cause Herb ran the Horsing around show, saying "it is a show for children people like him shouldn't flaunt around their alternative lifestyle and ruining America"

(Read the sings LMAO) All of this in the 80s to 90s

Also, this guy's comments

"So, here I am, being your mother, which I know is giving you all sorts of mixed-up ideas about gender, while your brain is still loose and stupid. Just remember, if you become a queer later in life, this isn't my fault! Don't you sing no songs in your nightclub act called, "My Daddy was My Mommy," while gazing longingly at a tangled string of pearls... Pearls are for ladies, Bojack. Pearls are for ladies."

AND THIS GUYYYYY HELLO? They have multiple episodes, including Todd's sexuality- but not all the episodes nor his personality revolve around that! He even made a dating app for Ace people with his girlfriend!

I already have 3 "Bojack Horseman > Helluva Boss" post in this account!

[rotisserory]

Aventurine Is BPD Coded- Some Thoughts

Ahhh welcome back everybody to another installment of 'Rory writes a ridiculously long essay nobody asked for to shine light on characters who exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder so that we can learn to recognize symptoms portrayed in media that aren't just 'crazy manipulative abusive ex' and start to treat the disorder with a shred of compassion' !!

A good chunk of you follow me because of my essay I wrote on Reo Mikage from Blue Lock, my beautiful borderline princess, and I am PLEASED to announce that my essay is now the first result when you search 'Reo Mikage BPD' on Google, AND he has since been added to the BPD character database !! Saving the world one baddie at a time, no need to thank me B)

Today, I want to write something out that I've been dying to share. I think Aventurine can be read as a BPD coded character, and I think he would be able to cop a diagnosis should he go see a therapist (which we all know he CLEARLY has not done). I've been puttering around posting this because I've been spending so long on a full, all encompassing analysis of this sick blonde man, but I want to take a quick break and kick my feet over BPD Aventurine, so I invite you to come kick your feet with me!

Some context before I start:

1.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I've got the BPD / CPTSD combo meal, so I'm having TWICE the fun !! But seriously though, it's not easy being viewed as crazy and 'bad' all the time. Trauma disorders are rough enough as it is just to live with / overcome, but it's worse when there are books, forums, blogs, shows, ect. dedicated to hating you and talking about how evil you are. So, I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). Fans, characters, and even Aventurine himself refer to him as 'crazy' 'insane' 'unstable' which only further rang my BPD bells because he's not crazy; he's just traumatized!

2.) I’m not a psych, so I obviously can’t diagnose real people, and don’t use any of this to diagnose yourself (I don't need the scandal!) I do, however, have a masters degree in English and structured the basis of my education and published my thesis on mental health, cluster B personality disorders specifically, so I read and research a LOT. I’m confident enough in my knowledge to diagnose anime characters (lol).

3.) If you're somebody who has a weird hangup about borderlines, feel free to either not read this, or do read it and soak up some useful information! Regardless, I know Aventurine fans can have some really wild takes (/neg) , so believe what you want at the end of the day! This is just my interpretation of what's festering in that sad brain of his. You can disagree all you want to, but what we're not going to do is spread hateful stereotypes or perpetuate negative stigmas about BPD! That's cornball behavior and I will call you out for it ^-^

CW for discussion of death, suicide, self injury, and identity disturbances

Anyways, if you ask me, Aventurine has a case of Beautiful Princess Disorder, and I'd like to explain why <3 So, buckle up! This will be another long one.

First, let me define BPD: it's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. Though it's coined as a 'personality disorder', I urge you to look at it as a trauma disorder. People most often develop it when they are repeatedly traumatized during their formative years. It actually overlaps a TON with complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is why a lot of us baddies end up with both! (On that note, you could definitely view Aventurine as CPTSD-coded as well! I'm a stinky kinnie so I'll just say he's both <3) I won't preach too much on why it's so necessary to treat borderline as a traumatic stress disorder (since hopefully I'll be focusing my own personal academic research on that and I could yap for HOURS about it lol).

But when we look at BPD properly, it's evident that the basis of this disorder is that these people didn't have the opportunity to learn and foster proper emotional reactions. Because of the recurring traumatic events, sections of borderline's brains are underdeveloped as a result. They have a smaller amygdala and they have reduced volume in the prefrontal cortex, as well as other differences in brain development. I've heard it described as 'you were forced to learn some behaviors that helped you survive at one point in your life (for example, maybe fervent efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable emotional reactions, self harming tendencies, lying, mirroring, etc.,) but now you need to unlearn them, because they’re no longer helping you.'  They're trauma responses.

Aventurine shows us a perfect example of the kind of shit that would make someone develop BPD: dude grew up in extreme poverty, was constantly told he was special and he was supposed to bring good luck, watched his entire family and race die in front of him when he was literally still just a kid, was kidnapped and sold into slavery, was forced to murder roughly 34 people while everybody watched him like it was a game, probably went through several other fucked up things while he was enslaved, and then killed his slave owner and was promptly sentenced to death for it. That's...a whole lot of ridiculous trauma that would severely impact somebody's ability to mentally grow and develop correctly. The bulk of his childhood/adolescence was spent with no safety, no security, overwhelming guilt, constant fight or flight reactions, learning how to take on other personas to avoid violence or mistreatment – you get the point. He did not have a normal life and it is absolutely probable that he would develop a trauma disorder from the shit he's been through.

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a Borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

As with my last post, I'm going to organize this based on the 5 immediate traits I think Aventurine exhibits most (you only need 5 out of 9 to receive a diagnosis, so let me cut to the chase and stop wasting your time w my yapping).

Fear of Abandonment:

Aventurine has a habit of wanting relationships and then pushing them away once they get too close. He also clearly has trauma associated with losing people prematurely.

First of all, let's look at Aventurine's tendency to view relationships as transactional. With the expectation that a friendship, partnership – whatever –  is mutually beneficial, that generally implies both parties will leave satisfied once the 'transaction' is complete. That’s his parting line in the game, actually! “Satisfied with our transaction, I trust?” 

That being said, he's already prepared for people to leave when they're done getting what they want from him. In one trailer (and the game) he refers to himself as "another cog in the machine known as the strategic investment department" and then says, "Your humble servant aventurine at your disposal [...] I can also play the role of ‘friend’ – if needed; Go ahead, use me as you wish, even stab me in the back if you see fit."

This is a very strange thing to say upon first meeting someone LMAO. He's speaking of himself like he's an object, rather than a person. Before the other party even says anything, he's basically saying 'hey btw if you end up disappointing me in some way, i'm already prepared for it!' Establishing relationships with the assumption that the other person will betray you/abandon you/hurt you in some way? Borderline behavior. God forbid somebody does try to break down one of these walls, we'll see Aventurine's second habit to avoid abandonment: pushing people away.

Something people don't necessarily consider is that ‘efforts to avoid abandonment’ doesn't always mean the person is on their knees begging you to not to leave them. It can manifest as someone being very flighty and purposefully cutting ties randomly/pushing people away from them so that nobody is able to abandon them. If you leave first, they can’t leave you, right? This is a very common behavior for borderlines to avoid the pain that comes with being abandoned.

The most notable moment of this, in my opinion, is when Aventurine tries to gaslight himself into thinking that Ratio really did stab him in the back during their ploy against Sunday. As we know, their fighting, bickering, and Ratio's 'betrayal' were all part of Aventurine's plan. When they leave Sunday's office, Ratio immediately asks if he's okay and if he needs help, and Aventurine is very dismissive/a little rude in his response. Ratio is confused because Aventurine is talking as if he wasn't the one who MADE this plan and TOLD Ratio what to do:

Aventurine is basically saying, "Hey babe this is not in the script we talked about! Let's stay on track, remember? You hate me, you betrayed me, and now you're leaving me!" And Ratio is like "Yeah okay but are you good? Because you don't seem good,” but Aventurine's heels are so far in the dirt at this point that he is NOT budging at all. When he's in the Trauma Maze, Future Aventurine grills him on this moment:

I get why this part confused some people; why would Aventurine think this when the plan was his idea in the first place? Because, he subconsciously doesn't want to get too attached to the idea that Ratio might ACTUALLY care about him or want to help him. He's forcing himself to think "no, that's not what he was doing, he was planning on actually ratting me out all along, he was only asking about my wellbeing to get in my head."

However, I think it's evident that Aventurine wants relationships/attention just as much as everybody else does, he just won't let himself have it. To further this idea, I think the lyrics to White Night (the Penacony trailer theme song) are worth looking at (these specifically):

I don't wanna be alone tonightOh, lead me with your altered signThere's no one else left for me to loseHeadin' to the other side, other side

I don't wanna be alone tonightI'll bring you to my best disguise'Cause you don't need, don't need to know the truthLet me rave forever in your life

The song is obviously about Aventurine when you look at the lyrics, but these lines in particular just further my point that this man does NOT like the fact that he's alone. He wants relationships, he wants closeness, but he rejects it at the same time out of fear that he might lose somebody prematurely again and doesn't want to experience being abandoned or being rejected for his personality (his real one or his fake one), which leads me to...

Unstable Self-Image; Struggles With Identity or Sense of Self:

The shift from Kakavasha to Aventurine screwed this guy up REAL bad. A MASSIVE part of Aventurine's character, in my opinion, is his struggle with his identity/sense of self. I mean, he literally had to kill off who he used to be in order to live how he's living now, and he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Jade sums it up pretty well when Aventurine is sat before her on trial: 

Aventurine joining the IPC comes with the price of...well, becoming 'Aventurine'. Since I'm clocking him with a BPD diagnosis, the identity disturbance would have probably happened before this moment, and I think it did. I'll bet it started festering after that first massive traumatic event where he watched his family die and tried to rationalize how that was possible with his 'good luck' (since that was really the only consistent idea he had about himself), and it probably only got worse when he became fixated on the fact that whoever tf he is, he's only worth 60 copper coins (did the math – that's about $3). That's gotta cause some massive identity issues. He's coined as this ‘good luck charm’, this ‘blessed child’, a ‘beacon of hope for the Avgins’, and somehow, he ended up in the absolute worst situation possible while simultaneously dooming all of the Avgins (obviously not his fault, but he thinks it's his fault).

When Jade tells him to pick a new identity, ironically he picks one that is everything he probably grew to hate after his childhood/adolescence.

Associating with the wealthy? The rich were the people who paid to brand him and enslave him. The IPC? Promised to help the Avgins but disappeared when the Katicans invaded, then came back and kidnapped him to sell him as a slave. Now he's both wealthy and a part of the IPC, and you have to wonder how he truly feels about it. We'll look into that more later. Regardless, he's not really 'free' now, even if he isn't technically owned by a master anymore. He's chained to the IPC because this is life now; this is his identity. Where else would he even go? What else would he do? (Die, perhaps?) It's not like he can go home, or go live a peaceful life out on the countryside somewhere. He made 'Aventurine' his entire life and his entire personality. On that note, I really like this quote from his third character story:

“The aventurine, that symbol of power and of the future, is about to be officially handed to him — Yet it would have no more allure or value in his eyes as soon he obtains it, even though he had sought it by putting his life on the line.

He returns to his office in a daze. The aventurine stone emits a peculiar glow on his desk, seemingly congratulating and mocking him at the same time."Was luck truly on your side when you wrestled with fate?"”

Did he really luck out with this one? Comparatively, of course, this is better than his life as a slave, but he essentially just traded his rusted chains for golden ones. Becoming Aventurine might wind up bringing him a lot more pain than it was worth. 

Also, the outfit he chose? Covered in gold, fur, and jewels, all materials that somebody who knows nothing about being rich would assume rich people wear in excess. It's evident in his tacky taste (sorry honey I love you so much but the hat is just crazy work you look like a pimp) that he doesn't know anything about how to dress himself. And I bully him for being tacky but it makes sense! He dresses exactly how you'd think an out-of-touch billionaire would dress. Back to his sense of identity: it's very important to establish that Aventurine feels guilty about taking on this persona! That's all 'Aventurine' is: a persona. If he were to die tomorrow, the IPC would dust off that stone and give it to another bozo who would end up being the next 'Aventurine'.

While he didn't initially develop this personality subconsciously and it was a 'choice' to start playing this role (not that he had a plethora of alternative options), the perpetuation is damaging him mentally. He does a good job of keeping up the act, obviously. This theme that his entire personality is just one big act is overarching through the entire Penacony quest, but there's one moment in particular I really liked: when Sparkle is being a jerk and he has this offhand comment about how he's so frivolous, vain, and flashy, and how he'd hate to live anywhere where it rained since his outfit is too expensive to get wet.

Then, we have this interaction in the maze: Future Aventurine brings up the memory of him and his big sister playing dead, floating in bloody water to avoid being killed by the Katicans when they attacked. He mentions that it was his father's shirt, the last one his father left behind before dying, and that it was ruined. Aventurine says it wasn't ruined, and he's always kept it. (I wonder if that's the shirt he wore during his time enslaved?) Future Aventurine grills him and asks ‘why keep it? This new person that you are would never wear something so dirty and old. 'Aventurine' wouldn't want that old rag, it's not worth any money. 'Aventurine' would never splash around in murky water like that; he wouldn't need to.’ Nobody is hunting him, now he's the hunter. Future Aventurine makes the snide comment that he bets Aventurine wouldn't even dare to go outside in the rain, let alone do any of the things Kakavasha had to do, since he's so much more elite now. Aventurine, clearly hurt by the implication, says that even after all this time, he's never changed.

Of course, he hasn't. Deep down, no matter how much he tries to trick himself and everybody around him, he's still the same scared, traumatized boy he always has been. His future self chastises him for having an inferiority complex and mentions that with every gamble he makes, he has his left hand shaking in fear behind his back.

But the constant pull to push Kakavasha down and keep up this act that 'Aventurine' is the real him obviously perpetuated the identity disturbance in him and made it a hundred times worse, to the point where (as Future Aventurine points out) the hole he's dug is basically impossible to climb out of.

Because of this, I interpret Aventurine to constantly be struggling with his identity, not knowing who really exists under all the masks he wears, not knowing if he or anybody around him will ever figure it out. I imagine he feels very empty and unfulfilled, since as I mentioned in the abandonment section, he doesn't want to be alone. But the higher he climbs on the social ladder, the further he can separate himself from other people. This is a classic issue borderlines face. We masquerade as something we think the people around us will like, someone WE might like, but it always ends up leaving us feeling more empty than before.

(This is just an added bonus to chew on, but I got stuck on this line when I played through Penacony:)

Do you think once he became Aventurine and got the money and the resources, he researched toys that normal kids play with? Fancy ones like building blocks, stuff that he would have never been exposed to as a kid? Obviously baby Kakavasha would not know wtf building toys looked like, and I'm sure teenage Kakavasha didn't have the opportunity to browse toy catalogs. But, he recognizes the toy even though he says he's never played with them before. Maybe he considered buying it but decided against it, since it doesn't fit his new persona. Kakavasha doesn't exist anymore, so there's no reason to nurture that part of him. Anyways, just wanted to hurt y'all a bit more. Speaking of hurting ourselves:

Impulsive or Self-Damaging Behaviors + Suicidal Behavior or Self Injury:

I'm combining these two because my points kept blending together, so bear with me lol.

Aventurine is known for being incredibly reckless and putting himself in the path of danger over and over again. When discussing how he tricked Sunday with the Cornerstones, Future Aventurine asks:

I want to exaggerate how crazy it is (i can say that i'm also a bpd baddie) that he smashed his Cornerstone. I don't think a Stoneheart has ever done that before. Their stone is what makes them a Stoneheart. Ratio mentions that without it, Aventurine would be back to being nobody. Remember: that's what makes him Aventurine. You know, the persona that required him to kill off his former identity? Their Cornerstones are more important than the Stonehearts’ lives, as stated multiple times. But that's just it: Aventurine doesn't GAF about his life. He doesn't mind putting his life on the line to pull off his plan because he has that deep-rooted desire to punish himself for everything he thinks was his fault. He gets called out for gambling with his life multiple times during Penacony, and while most of the time it's reduced to him just being crazy (cough, bpd) or just having a severe gambling problem. Extremely hot take, but I think he gambles literally as another way to hurt himself. I mean, look at what he says when you ask about his hobbies:

"There's no denying it, my fascination is with the game of chance... be it the exhilarating rush of triumph or the extensive emptiness that follows, both are worth savoring, time and time again."

Being impulsive and risky, betting his life over and over –  it makes him feel alive. He knows the end result will hurt, that he'll have to face that 'extensive emptiness' and the extreme guilt he feels regarding his continued good luck, but he does it anyway.

Speaking of betting, his bets are always 'all or nothing', seemingly every time. Future Aventurine calls him out on always risking everything with every gamble, asking:

"Do you truly believe the greater the risk, the greater the reward?"

Or...do you just not care what happens to you? He doesn't need to risk a lot; he's never lost. He could bet the lowest amount and still win every time, and make a lot of money depending on what everybody else bet. In fact, that would actually be a better strategy in gambling (poker/black jack specifically), because it would insinuate that he's not very confident with his hand and prompt the other players to bet higher, assuming that they'll beat him.

I imagine he gets a shred of dopamine betting everything he has knowing that he'll probably win, but hey, who knows? Then after winning and multiplying everything he has, I imagine that 'extensive emptiness' that he refers to is the feeling of 'oh good, more money. More status. More success. A reminder that no matter what I do, I'm stuck here in this role forever.'

For some reason, he also thinks that taking risks makes him appear more confident and secure. He makes a show of always keeping up the big bets and he boasts about how successful he is, while clutching his hand behind his back thinking 'oh god, is this it? will I finally lose this time?' He brings this up when he's speaking with himself and he says, 'How could a weak person take such daring risks?"

Oh, the delicious irony.

That raises the question, though: if he wants to die so badly, why hasn't he yet? It's not like he had an easy life. He fought very hard to stay alive, so why does he act so recklessly now?

I think at his core, he's scared. Dying is scary. His family is there in the afterlife; would they be disappointed in the person he’s become? At the same time, being alive is exhausting. The constant emotional pain this guy probably deals with every day? It's gotta be heavy.

His behaviors around suicide remind of a classic passively suicidal person with BPD: maybe they don't necessarily want to die, but they're tired. They don't have an active plan, but If something is going to kill them, they're not going to move out of the way.

So, carrying out his Penacony plan makes sense. Of course he’s not completely sure what will happen when Acheron kills him, but because he doesn’t have anything to live for, he’s fine gambling with his life. He makes a show of finally throwing out every last chip, too, no longer clutching them under the table in fear. He was fine with smashing the Aventurine stone because it's not like he was planning on using it after his final show; the little bit of power it had left in it was more than enough.

That being said, we do have to address this little number:

Aventurine attempted several times in Penacony, he admits it flat out. The writers even went sofar as to bold this line specifically! I think this does also go hand-in-hand with him being passively suicidal, since he's pretty sure he'll live when he attempts in the dream, but he's gonna try it SEVERAL times just to be sure. Mentally healthy people wouldn't try it... once, Aventurine!

As if we needed more evidence that Aventurine constantly puts himself in danger, you know I HAVE to mention...the light cone:

n case you haven't read the description for this light cone, let me share it with you:

"You don't believe me?"He (Aventurine) provocatively looks at the man (Ratio) before him, then draws out a revolver, empties its cylinder, and leaves a single shot in the chamber.

"Seems like I'll need to get you up to speed on how I do things if our cooperation were to remain amicable."He pushes the gun into his opponent's hand, spins the cylinder, and points the barrel to his own chest.

He pulls the trigger repeatedly, and the smile on his face remains the same after three empty clicks."Life is a grand gamble, and I'll always be the final victor."

Now what the HELL is this? Mind you, this is the first time Ratio has met this man!!! Imagine you meet your new mission partner for the first time and he puts a revolver in your hand and fires it thrice, then leaves. WHO does that? (...a baddie, perhaps!)

I don't think it's a secret to anybody who has spent a reasonable amount of time around Aventurine that there's something off about him, and that there's a really deep sadness running through him. There's some instances where other characters mention his passive desire to die – A few quick examples I can think of:

The instance in Story IV with Opal:

"Maybe luck won't be on your side this time, and the bill for all your past good fortune will come due [...] But isn't that what you've been longing for?"

Opal implies Aventurine wants to fail on Penacony, which, as we've discussed, is an accurate assumption. Jade says something similar after Aventurine's stunt: when Topaz says the light in his stone went out, Jade replies by saying "he got what he wanted."

Also, I’d like to point out that Ratio must have been anticipating that Aventurine would do something rash, since he wrote that note (doctor's advice) long before he started grilling him after the meeting with Sunday.

It's also worth noting the nod to T.S Eliot's "The Waste Land" (a very long poem about life and death). You get the achievement Sibyl, What Do You Want? after playing through the past of Kakavasha's life, and once you defeat boss Aventurine, you get the achievement She Replied, I Want to Die. I don't think that one needs an explanation, but boy does it hurt! (There's other, smaller nods to him being suicidal, like the Waiting for Godot achievement – Google the story if you're unfamiliar. Not as relevant, but I must mention it bc it makes my english major brain go brrrrr)

Also, overspending/gambling/being loose with money is a very common vice for borderlines to indulge in and harm themselves with. It's also implied that he drinks a decent amount. I counted 6 bottles of SoulGlad in his hotel room just from the angles I could see, and he's shown to be passed out at the bar when Ratio goes to get him before they go on their little date-I mean, mission. Aventurine says 'he must have drank too much', and whether or not that was true is irrelevant since it was a believable enough claim that Ratio bought it.

Borderlines are (usually) self-destructive in some capacity, and while some very annoying people assume it's for attention, it's so much more common for it to be because our inner emotions are just so out of whack. Sometimes, matching the inner pain with outer pain is a way to cope. They might also do it to try and combat-

Constant Feelings of Worthlessness or Sadness:

Probably the most nagging, prevalent feeling Aventurine deals with is the constant feeling of worthlessness. One thing about this man? He hates himself. Like, really hates himself. Take a look at the missions during his maze in Penacony. This one is one of my favorites:

It doesn't get much more on-the-nose than him calling himself a selfish, useless loser. He gets stuck on that word, in particular. Loser.

Aventurine, at his core, views himself as a massive loser. Is that ironic because of how much he wins? Not really. Money and materials are just part of the Aventurine persona. He's 'rich' in stuff, but he's not rich in what he actually wants. I think it's obvious that if he had the option to quadruple his wealth or see his sister again just one more time, we all know what he'd be picking.

The only thing he wants is connection – connection with his mother, his father, his sister, anybody at this point – but he can't have it. His family has been dead for a long while, and as I discussed before, his fear of abandonment and his luck scare him away from forming any other relationships. 

This luck, this destiny to be blessed, leads him to reflect on his life a lot and wonder what the hell the point is. He treats himself like some sort of walking curse, because he's convinced that his luck is bound to hurt other people. Every time he wins, somebody else loses. The luck that keeps him safe destroys everybody else around him. As Future Aventurine puts it:

His luck is "built on the pain of someone" else. This perpetuates the constant feeling of guilt, which in turn, makes him feel worthless. Why is it him that's spared every time?

Then, right before you start his boss fight, Aventurine says,

"The architect's flawed stone, of no value at all."

Some people speculate he's talking to the MC when he says this, but I can't help but assume that he's referring to himself. Even if it was directed at the MC, so much of what Aventurine says in his bluffs and boasts are just digs at himself. He's sort of an expert at hating himself, and what do people who hate themselves do if not project? Especially when you consider the fact that aventurine is actually a really cheap, undesired stone. It's like $3 a caret and mostly only used to rip people off and pose as jade. I really don't think it's a coincidence that his character is based around a stone that is, essentially, worthless.

The way that Aventurine is also prone to giving people ridiculous amounts of money/gifts can be read as a frantic effort to keep relationships going and prevent people from leaving him (relating to my points on both his feelings of worthless and his fear of abandonment). He has a skewed view on relationships, since the only value that's ever been associated with him is monetary value and that of his 'luck', which in every context is spoken of as an asset to benefit people he cares about. His sister told him that his luck was 'the most precious wealth' of the Avgins and Jade sees him as an investment that can bring her more wealth because of his luck, but he views it as a massive burden that ends up wrecking everybody around him. So how does he prove to other people that someone as worthless as him should be allowed a seat at the table? Deep down, he thinks that he's still worth 60 red copper pieces, and he's desperate to show other people that he's worth more than that now – even though he doesn't believe it at his core. With all the money he wins now, he can throw it at people and say 'look, look how much money I'm worth now, you want me around because I can buy you anything you want, that's a useful quality in a friend!'

(I did use the 'seat at the table line' as a nod to what his slave master said to him when they were discussing his worth: "Don't forget your place, slave. You're not qualified to be at the table." Which is, painfully, what Aventurine says when you open up chests! He scoffs and says that "it's hardly enough for a seat at the table." :’) )

There is also, of course, Aventurine's overarching struggle with finding purpose in his life. We see a lot of his existentialism during his trauma maze, but at the end of his trauma maze, Future Aventurine finally stops ripping Aventurine a new one and is vulnerable for a second, saying he doesn't understand what he's ever done wrong to have suffered as much as he has.

Then, when he's in the Nihility and he's speaking to Acheron, making the decision on whether or not he even wants to keep going, he asks her:

As I said, he has this conversation with himself in the maze as well, but here he's actually being vulnerable and speaking to somebody else about it: what's the point in being alive if we're just born to suffer? If nothing else, this solidifies the emotional struggle that Aventurine is constantly having. I also think it furthers the idea that he has this nagging sort of emptiness inside of him which is another BPD trait: the feeling that you're empty at your core, and you're constantly trying to fill it with things (friends, money, substances, whatever) but nothing ever works. You worry if anything will ever make you feel 'whole' again, and pair with the the identity disturbance? You're left with a constant feeling of despair.

Other Points:

These are a few other random thoughts I have, inspired by in-game moments but I'm taking them for my own evil fiendish BPD narrative. Take them with a grain of salt.

I think the stigma he gets around 'being crazy' is really BPD-coded. Separate from the ridiculous discrimination he gets for being an Avgin where people assume he's a liar and wolf in sheep's clothing (which can this man catch a SINGLE break jfc), he also has this reputation of being crazy, insane, manipulative, cunning, and someone you want to avoid, which is more rooted in his reckless gambling habit and status with the IPC. Living with this reputation of being insane and unstable for...lowkey no reason at all? Very BPD coded. I think Aventurine leans into that stigma to keep people a certain distance away, but it also just ends up making him hate himself even more.

Also, his entire mantra is "all or nothing", which always rang my BPD bells as well. There's not a lot of gray area with him, which is a key trait in borderlines as we often display very black-and-white thought patterns.

In Conclusion:

I think Aventurine is a borderline princess <3

No but actually though, Aventurine is extremely smart, witty, funny, generous, and very kind-hearted, and he also happens to have a lot of BPD symptoms :^) I don't think it does any harm to view him as BPD-coded; in fact, I think it's great to associate positive, fan-favorite characters like this with BPD because it helps to humanize us. Borderlines are not violent, crazy maniacs, they're people who have been severely traumatized and developed some unhealthy habits because of it. They deserve love, respect, understanding, and communication, just as everybody else does.

If you actually made it this far, thank you for reading! I hope I was able to shed some light on Aventurine and his Symptoms. And, as I do in all of my BPD posts, here’s your reminder to kiss the borderline baddies in your life and tell them they’re important to you :^) Living with BPD is exhausting and I know I speak for all of us when I say that. We try so hard every day to stay positive and regulated, and though rewarding, it's exhausting and very hard work. Nothing makes us smile more than some recognition that we're trying our best !!

Till next time xoxo (and shout out to @roxirinart for helping me edit this monstrosity mwahhh mwah)

[sumi-sprite]

This is entirely @wisp-of-chaos's fault. They got me into the idea of Illithid babies, specifically their OC Vlassk with baby Omeluum. If I have to suffer the cuteness overload and brainrot, THEN SO DO YOU ALL.

Under the cut due to length!

IMAGE TEXT:

1.) Born partially blind and know their parent of guardian by their psionic signature, touch, and smell. Their vision will gradually adjust over ten to fifteen weeks of age.

2.) Self soothing: Newborns are prone to suckling on their own tentacles!

3.) Internal yolk. A newborn Illithid will "nurse" on its parent's psionic energy for the first six to eight weeks of life before adjusting to a semi-solid diet.

4.) Cranium bones are still soft and not yet fully fused. This makes the birth easier for not just the parent, but the child as well, whose delicate brain can be easily damaged until the skull hardens.

5.) Limbs are soft and extremely weak. It takes months for a newborn to learn how to fully use its limbs, with their tentacles being the first to gain full mobility and dexterity.

6.) Claws are not yet developed. Fingers and toes and very soft and delicate and may be prone to injury if the parent is not careful. Grip strength is extremely weak compared to the tentacles.

BOTTOM TEXT: Extremely soft and fragile, but frighteningly intelligent and curious. Newborn Illithids may gain a higher vocabulary in under a year if they are cared for properly and fed a rich diet of sapient brain mush. At roughly a year of age, they can be given cut pieces of intact brain. After eighteen months, they are big enough to eat a whole half brain. They are able to walk, speak, and levitate around two years.

Other HCs not included due to limited space:

juvenile marks and spots vanish over time.

newborns cannot lift their own heads for at least five months due to the size and weight of their own brains.

teething. Newborn teeth come in at around ten months of age, then shed them at two years, gaining juvenile teeth. These fall out at five years old and they gain their first sub-adult set.

the internal yolk is visible until the newborn fully absorbs it and moves onto brain mush. The translucency of its belly also becomes opaque over their first year of life.

Newborns are entirely reliant on their parent or caretakers for the first two years of their life due to their weak muscle and delicate bone structures. Their fragility makes them precious to a colony, and they take almost as much precedence as an Elder Brain.

I don't know, I just thought this was fricken adorable and like I said, entirely Wisp's fault. I need baby Omeluum in my life being a curious and extra squishy little bean that can't stop putting things in its mouth and is ENAMORED by glowing mushrooms.

It's HC hobbies include extra long naps, chewing its own tentacles, chewing Vlassk's tentacles/hands, getting into places it shouldn't, wearing cookware, naps in its sling and/or Vlassk's tendrils, touching EVERYTHING, watching small critters, and contemplating the mystery of mirrors.

[human-encounters-diary]

Day 7

The Terran, as it proved, seemed to become more and more talkative every cycle. I did sight her in the meal hall today, as she sat on the surface of one of the tables, rather then on one of the stools surrounding it.

She seemed to be conserving rather animatedly with Wrin, who was still relatively clear-headed, for their standards. Quinn must have said something that caused a rather strong reaction in Wrin, if the sudden change of their complexion from its natural dark blue shade into a bright pink and back was any indicator.

I had spent the rest of the last cycle studying the previous entries to determine whether or not the human seemed to have any clue about my task of observing her. I came to the conclusion that, up to this point, the human had not signaled any discomfort due to suspicious behaviour, but I certainly should continue to be careful and not try to appear threatening or dubious.

I retrieved the human and proceeded to carry out the tasks at hand. It was relatively silent in the main control room for a while, until the human put down her current tools with much more force than needed, possibly signaling anger.

"Y‘know, I ain‘t trying to be rude, but this is really boring.", she spoke up.

My front pliers rattled in concern. "Are you…underwhelmed by your work?" This statement seemed completely illogical to me, but alas, I could not come up with another interpretation of the words she had uttered.

"I mean, no, but…yeah? I‘m not trying to say that its underwhelming, it‘s just…like, I‘m on a goddamn alien spaceship, y‘know? And I get to work with all this crazy alien technology, and that‘s amazing! But, once you‘ve figured out how it works, it just keeps working like that and everything‘s doing exactly what it‘s supposed to be doing and there‘s no real challenge behind it, y‘know." She had begun to wave her hands around in a manner which purpose I could not discern.

I remained silent for a while, processing the enormous amount of information that the human had just verbalized. No real challenge? What was that even supposed to convey? 

"I am not quite certain if I understood your complaint correctly. You are…upset due to…understanding the technology?"

"No! It‘s not that, just…you know, humans like challenges. We like to solve unsolvable things. For some, it‘s even a hobby. We need to challenge our mind and brain for it to develop. So, if we are faced with a kind of monotonous situation, we get bored."

I blinked. Were human brains really that much more complex than I had previously deemed?

I was not certain what would be an appropriate answer to such a revelation, so I said: "I regret that your mind is unchallenged by the work that has been assigned to you, but I fear I have no say in the matter. It is the Vitrichl‘s wish."

"I‘m not asking for a different job. I quite like where I am right now. I‘m just asking you if I can do something besides just standing here all day long. I was raised to use my hands. I can run errands and repair stuff and I‘m good at making adjustments and figuring out what is wrong with a machine. I can do that!"

I contemplated the suggestion for a while. I would not go against the Vitrichl‘s wishes, and right now, the ship was running smoothly, apart the two leaks in close proximity to each other. I attempted  to think of something "more challenging" for the human to be tasked with. As nothing came into the front of my mind, I consulted V-7.

"V-7, are there any machines in need of a reparation that could be performed by the human?"

The human jumped in distress as the AI answered after scanning the ship. 

"The engines in sector 3 seem to be in need for a routine check-up."

"Holy shit, it can talk?!", the human spoke up, causing me to turn in it‘s direction. The humans complexion seemed to be even lighter than its natural shade, although it tended to be the most extreme around, what I assumed was, her nose (a protuberance placed in the middle of its face, seemingly a bone structure covered with skin, with two holes at the bottom facing the ground, perhaps nostrils).

I blinked once more. I could not determine what a "holy shit" was supposed to be, so I simply decided on answering the human‘s question. "Yes. "It" is called V-7, an artificial assitant integrated into the ship.", I informed her.

"There seem to be engines in sector 3 that you could examine."

The Terran made movement with her hand, swinging it from her body towards the door, seemingly indicating for me to take her to the location. "Lead the way." 

I guided the human to the aforementioned sector and instructed her on the proper routine check-up etiquette.

I observed her method for a matter of time before deeming it safe enough to leave the premises. In the main control room, I continued to observe the human over a video recording V-7  displayed, until another problem required my attention.

Once I am given the opportunity to watch the full tape, any further observations will be recorded here.

[seleniangnosis]

Mid Year Check In 💗🪽

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

Hi everyone 💌🧁! My life is keeping me quite busy, and away from the tumblr tarot community for a while now. I've done this spread for me yesterday, so I decided to share it with you as well.

The reading is intended to provide you with some help and answers on how you've been progressing this year, and a bit of what to expect next 🤍. Pick the picture/pile you're most drawn to and feel free to discard any information that doesn't resonate with you. Enjoy! And reblogs are highly appreciated

Pile 1

Hello pile one and welcome to your reading 🧁🤍

You've entered this year with a goal in mind. Whether be it personal growth and development, topping your class , or building on your finances, you were ready to do whatever it takes to get there. You might have been a bit stubborn with your plan, even to the point where you neglected other life aspects, or for others, you've been very driven on changing the circumstances you've found yourself into for a long while.

You seem to have been extremely diligent with your plans, following them trough, or created a very structured way to get you where you want to be. For those who have jobs, or were job searching, this year has been spent for sure on achieving some sort of financial abundance, or create a foundation for your career, this part is highly similar to my own reading and I can say I truly worked hard this year, so pile 2 congratulations on your hard work, and I hope you're enjoying the fruits of your labour.

You've got so many pentacles cards here pile 2 ,so yeah a lot of focus on personal development, finances, and stability.

Something you've learnt is how to be consistent in your work, life , studies etc, rely on yourself, and how to manage ideas, or maybe a situation when something doesn't go the way you planned it. Some of you might have been focused on creating business connections or just create some stable new connections in regards to work / workplace, or maybe you were focused on finding a workplace where you felt like you can grow and develop your skills.

Something that you'll have to pay more attention to, and might serve as your next lesson is related to some self introspective work, and spending some time with yourself. You seem to have been all on the grinding mindset, so much that you kinda forgot about yourself. Good work ethics are great, but I get the impression that you were overworking yourselves, and you got the results, but detached from yourself and some self care.

If you have a certain goal set in mind, go for it, but not on the expense of your health. I got an intresting mix of cards, which leave me with the idea that you're highly aware you're stressed and have been working your brains out, but you keep going because you already have your mind set on something and only after you get that thing done you'll be able to relax.

Whatever it is pile 1, I'm proud of you, but please don't forget to tend to your needs as well 🤍💌.

Pile 2

Hello pile two and welcome to your reading 🤍🧁

The message of this pile seems to be again centered around money, finances, staring a new job / moving to a different job, work. Some of you might have started as an intern in your first job, or changed your career. You might have felt a personal call to change your orientation and start something new. I'm getting that energy of " should I stay ? should I leave ? What if I get into a much worse situation if I leave this place?" . Maybe, for some of you, your workplace was toxic and no longer suitable, but you were afraid of what could happen if you don't find a better one , or none at all.

Some of you might have took a break and some time to reflect and redefine their goals. I feel like even though you were getting some reward and results, they were not worth the mental exhaustion, the stress , and what you were putting yourself trough.

It's highly possible for you to still be in this energy/ situation, because as the next lesson the universe has in store for you I got something about facing what you're afraid to face. You seem to be caught too often and too tight into your own thoughts, that you're blocking your rational thinking, so you keep yourself away from reaching that freedom. Pike 2 , how stressed you are rn? You're thinking about making a move, making a plan, you get distracted by illusory thoughts, you're back to square one.

You should start looking at the good side of the things as well, not only what can fail or go wrong. Have more faith in yourself pile two 🤍💌!

Pile 3

Hello pile three and welcome to your reading 🤍🧁

The page of pentacles showed up in all 3 piles, but for this one, the energy is centered more on self work and development. For you I'm not getting much about money, work and finances, but about new start and goals around personal development. Your year was more of a journey in the search of what works and what doesn't for you. What improvements can you be making in terms of how you think about yourself, how can you change your mindset and find more fulfilment, rather than resenting yourself for things that didn't work out. Maybe you've even been unsatisfactory with who you were , and spent time improving yourself, making better decisions that bring you healthy benefits, and enjoying the journey of these small new beginnings. You learned to have more faith in yourself, in the fact that you're capable of improving yourself.

As something that you are still about to learn, well when I picked the cards I got " committing to yourself ", so ... commit to yourself. Maybe you feel guilty about how you've changed, and even though it's a positive change for you, others might make you think you're selfish, or a bad person. Maybe you were too tolerant in the past, and now that you've learnt to take better make better decisions, others see you as too self preoccupied.

For the rest of the year your goal should be yourself. Creating stability for yourself, and share it with those like-minded, who appreciate your presence in their lives💌🤍.

[babyseraphim]

i saw you say something about how trauma can make one appear autistic/etc (on the edwin post where steve yockey said he wasn't autistic), i was wondering if you could share a little more about that? it was interesting to learn and makes a bit of sense. /nf

I can try my best! I’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD and in intensive trauma therapy for the last 3 years now, so I know some stuff, but I am in no way an expert. I'm just speaking from experience and what i've learned in therapy!

I think something to keep in mind is that things like C-PTSD and PTSD can delay the development of the brain - which is why some people actually consider C-PTSD to be a type of neurodivergence (though that’s not been medically confirmed). This is something that’s more prevalent in cases of very early childhood abuse, but I think that in Edwin’s case, given that he’s a teenager that went through 70 years of trauma, it can still apply. It can cause delays in social development (inability to connect with others and a persistent feeling of being an outsider being the two major effects), which results in difficulty in being vulnerable with others (though I think Edwin’s existence as a gay man in the 1910’s also plays into his difficulty with connection). There’s also a conversation to be had about attachment styles and how those come into play, but that’s a topic for another post.

People with C-PTSD can also have a very difficult time with change or unpredictability, because things being unpredictable often leads to an inability to feel safe. C-PTSD is developed by being subjected to inescapable environments that are consistently traumatizing for extended periods of time, and that trauma is often of an unpredictable nature (as seen with Edwin’s experience in Hell). In order to maintain some semblance of safety, people with C-PTSD can sometimes develop strict routines or habits that will provide a grounding structure to the world around them (sometimes reminiscent of behaviors associated with OCD and/or autism)

People with C-PTSD are also most often hypervigilant, which can lead to sensory sensitivities and sensory overload because of how permanently dialed in they are to their surroundings. I think that’s also part of what makes Edwin such a good detective; he notices everything. This can also lead to a heightened startle response, which is something we’ve seen from Edwin in the show.

this is by no means an exhaustive list, but here are some other traits that autism and C-PTSD often share:

dissociation

difficulty managing intense emotions

use of stimming to manage emotions

difficulty relaxing/sleeping

negative beliefs of self/the world

higher risk of repeated victimization

Hope this helps, and let me know if you have any other questions! I’m happy to share my knowledge