#and many of them autistic lmao
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This is the exact panel that I fell in love with him
#the only children i will ever have are fictional characters and most of them not even mine#and many of them autistic lmao#robot x laserbeam#hatohara robato#ebw.op
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Every day i just want to write a post that just says "The Brigadier is so damn autistic."
but I then worry about what other people might say if I do that
but fuck it
The Brigadier is so fucking autistic, and nobody can change my mind
#classic doctor who#brigadier lethbridge stewart#'hes just like that because hes a military man' no he's like that because he's autistic and in the military. there's a difference#(please - we see so many soldiers in classic who and he's so different to them)#lack of expressions (especially s7) which caused others to comment his 'lack of emotions' in certain situations (he has commented that he#does in fact feel..)#the constant swagger stick with him (they arent common for soldiers nor officers to have.. havent been since past WW2 i believe) which he f#fiddles with and holds#stickler for the rules and hates disorder (things not being done 'right')#(thinking of the 'rules arent rules for alistair' bit from Daddy Fights Monsters)#his reaction to mushrooms in The Green Death. that's it. that's the point (he just hates mushrooms and so do i)#he's so.. military when he speaks even when speaking to civilians or when he's off duty. ik that's not much of a point but in the military#you're told exactly how to speak and interact with others and to be blunt and clear and to the point with your words. you're saying he does#find comfort in it?#and this man's strong sense of morals! my god. he can have quite black and white thinking in situations (so does 3 which would probably#explain why they butt heads often) and he is insanely stubborn#im sure i'll think of more things as time goes on but this is all i have for now#also im sorry i might be a bit tipsy when posting this but i really need courage lmao
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trying to look for a ttrpg group in spaces where I can't just go 'listen I want to play this shit in the tumblr fandom kind of model (gay subtext extremely welcome bordering on essential, mutual unhinged character psychoanalysis, we could create a novel of a backstory together to make this sadder, let's all play with our OC dolls together and also sometimes dice are rolled I guess)' and be readily understood and/or not be immediately side-eyed or denigrated for my inherent unavoidable tumblerinaness feels like such an annoying debuff to deal with on the quest. like I know my people exist out there but how do I express myself in the right way and wade through all the copious not-it (not for me) dynamics to find them!!!
#I feel like a weird kid in the playground trying to find someone who plays the same way as me all over again fhdksjfa#(and if/when I find them -- how the fuck to approach them)#turns out there are so many ways to play rpgs that do not appeal to me in the slightest#there are so many dimensions -- creative interpersonal gameplay-wise -- where you can severely not match with someone lmao#with half of the people I've come across it seems like it would be a struggle just to agree there should be a session 0 :')#but I know I KNOW this could be exactly my kind of fun with the right people it's a little maddening#(my group of friends when I was 12-13 was like... we were trying SO hard to play an rpg without having an rpg to play#some from first principles but with no guidelines to help us stuff#and it was one of my rare 'oh fuck. oh fuck yeah this could be it!!' social moments at that time lol. clearly something instinctive there)#I have been lurking around in a discord server on a more national/local level but I'm not gonna lie... a lot of The Good Old Boys shit#dominating the conversation there. I really don't think they mean to take all the oxygen out of the room for everyone else but uh#it's kind of just what happens. I have seen seen hour-long debates over definitions so esoteric and navel-gazing it would haunt your dreams#trying to wade through that to find the people who might vibe more with me seems... so exhausting and I don't know howww!!#the high masking autistic blues plays again
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Sat down to write but my keyboard is like 3 years old & steadily pissing me off. Cleaned it & even picking off all the keys, and it's worse now. (Every key takes like double the pressure it should need, and half of my typing is me fixing keys that didn't type) safe to say I ordered a new keyboard :/
#tbh havent done much more since last update#but i was working on it!!!!!#the ideas are bonking around in my head#i just gotta put them to paper#Cross is a complicated sad boi#and he throws off so many plot devices lmao#i gotta build up the boi#so i can break him down again with some trauma#and then spend the second half comforting him#but he doesnt want that comfort#but he gonna get it#error is equally as stubborn#and just as autistic#theyre perfect for each other#and live in my head rent free
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Idk if it's bc I'm like NOT suffering the horrors or if my state of being is why or whatever, but man. I've really been being a yapper, huh?
I say this in reference to my social life lmao
#sepiasys.txt#Old friend from WH random times wanted to make friends again and we did a bunch of dms and I wonder to myself about how I did it#bc even during the moment I thought about how bad i am at conversation; like I can't start or maintain one successfully in many cases. so ye#OMG *FANDOM NOT RANDOM LMAO I DIDN'T REALIZE THE TYPO WAS SITTING THERE STARING ME IN THE FACE#Anyways uh yeah my yapping has been a specific brand of it and I'm just. idk. I'm ig not fully there so I hear myself#and I think 'man I rlly am autistic; huh?' and it's just kinda sad to think about but I try my best 🥺#or some part of me does like the bare minimum ig lmao idk.#No plans for Saturday; might just sleep in tbh. I've been able to eat regularly enough that I feel ok. I might need to like. find an to fill#Saturdays with- I just got interrupted irl. I might need to find smth to fill saturdays with; assuming that S will be home on them#Sunday is spaghetti day :3 I'm doing researches on food in the meantime btw. can work on that and resume tmr ^^#I got interrupted with oreos btw from my roommate/bestie; it confused me /lh#Anyways Yeah I'm gonna write down schedule for da week probably :3 I keep tracks of stuffs ^^ Am glad when I can look back on info I need 😅#OH YA I GOT FREE BUS TICKET. Idk how they work but I have it so thas cool :3#Idk what to say without repeating myself 😅 I also forgor what this post was originally abt. Anyways :3
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#its sad that like. with autism for example masking is somehow kind of a new concept in terms of being widely known or accepted#because i would really really like studies covering masking for other disorders. compensation i guess but theres like nothing#i dont think most people i have ever met would consider me to have low harm avoidance (somehow?)#<- might be incredibly wrong and just biased toward how incredibly fucking inhibited i Feel#its hard for me to tell because i have poor understanding of myself no matter how much i try. esp in wider social context#and its impossible for anyone else to tell because . yeah i cant type lmao#...you can probably recall many memories of doing stupid kid stuff. a poor understanding of consequences mixed with high curiosity#stupid Kid stuff. right?#so much of this is muddled up between what are cluster b traits vs. autism. the ptsd risk factor with both is significant and very relevant#our understanding of mental health is still in its infancy i think#harm avoidance = nuance. ptsd is a confound for both groups and also i'm NOT a good reference lol i can't imagine#low reward dependence = both#low persistence = both (consider how you behave outside of your interests. there is a reason they are referred to as Restricted)#even if they don't feel restricted to you... i was thinking about that the other day because i felt my interests are not restricted#bc i'm very open to trying new things + my interests feel very expansive to me. but an outside perspective would sum them up in few words#doesn't matter how deeply you think about an interest or how many things you connect to it or how many subtopics you create#it's still just one outside of your head! and being open is not the same as having a vested interest. can help mask restrictions tho#novelty seeking = nuance. they mask each other#elopement comes to mind#like when i ran away from school to go to a different playground at recess#i know it was because i didn't care about the rule because i thought no one would catch me and i wanted to satisfy my curiosity#but you could chalk that up to novelty seeking or a poor understanding of why the rules existed or both#and autistic novelty seeking might just present as having lower support needs in whatever areas your interests lay#they mask each other and overlap in that area...#man i was saying the other day literally i just keep shoving dimes into outlets and don't learn#auuuuuuuuuuuuuu#z
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The thing the people don’t tell you about re-parenting yourself/similar gambits is that for bitches of a particular temperament (it’s me I’m bitches) it sometimes makes you so so mad when it works. Sold all my baby dolls in a garage sale when I was eight not because I didn’t want to them anymore but because I thought I shouldn’t want them anymore, and now the only thing that had me sleeping like a rock after fortnight of hells is this elaborate LARP so I can convince my central nervous system that there is someone in charge who a) wants to take care of shit and b) can take care of shit.
RSD emotional hangover making you too agitated to sleep even though you’re intellectually aware the conflict is resolved? Not anymore with the power of making dairy-free chocolate milk and listening to ten minutes of Dune on audiobook while reading alongside on your e-reader before you pass the fuck out.
Like you would think cringing into the sun* would keep one even more awake than the vague background radiation of little-T traumas (which has actually reduced after five years of medication and psychology appointments), but I guess it is really about quantity over quality. Guess one big cringe is less impactful than the relief from convincing the quivering little toddler that’s been left in charge of the sleep lever in your brain to come out from under the desk and do their job by putting up a sort of flimsy curtain so they can no longer see the wall of painting symbolising your mild disconcerting experiences
And I reference temperament when I know that my annoyance is in fact also a huge part to do with socialisation, particularly being primed towards abnegation + a fundamental suspicion towards adults engaging with things culturally associated with Children and Childhood, both of which are things I challenge on principle consciously/intellectually. But knowing that it’s completely harmless, and like hey I could be doing meth or something, does not change the fact that when I mimic the running commentary I do with babysitting kids Just In My Head To Myself and immediately become head-nodding sleepy, I’m instantly like “oh we respond to this and not a haunting amount of melatonin? cool. yeah. sure.”
(*Of course none of this is cringe when other people do it, as they are allowed to experience Quirks and Vulnerabilities in peace because they are Not Me. That said, when I’m not venting on tumblr dot org I do generally avoid calling any of this stuff cringe bc I am aware that caveating with “This only applies to me because I’m Not Like Other Girls (I’m Worse)” often doesn’t actually make the other person feel assured you’re not judging them.)
#whatever that post is that’s like#having a mother should be in the dsm and also not having a mother should be in the dsm#we’re running out of options here gang!!!#like fundamentally that is my annoyance I think#like I don’t want my mother having been sick/not fully recovered from her own trauma to impact something as ‘mundane’ as sleep#also there’s all the complexities of like I didn’t enjoy being a kid very much the first time around#like I wasn’t physically unsafe and I did have some emotionally safe adults like I can always have been worse#*it can always have been worse wow rip Freud you would have loved my typos#(actually he probably would have loved this whole thing lmao)#but yeah like Being A Kid was the worst part of that era of life if that makes sense#the fact the demonstrated solution is Tactical Childhood LARP is just like booooooooo human body do better#also obviously I worry that this sort of thing would impact my ability for have a partner or kids or w/e#but I also worry about that with everything mental health#I suppose the difference here is my many many thoughts about the infanalisation of women in general#and autistic/nd/disabled women in specific#but like if someone is marrying me - a research academic - thinking they’re getting a demure and malleable small bean#like they’re an idiot that’s on them lol#anyway#delete later#?#we’ll see how I feel#it me
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truly lmao 2024 lambda literary award finalist wynnstannery
#have probably already heard of these awards w/o absorbing it but has a sizable [twitter acct you follow follows this acct] overlap for one#wikipedia blurb ''to recognize the crucial role lgbtq writers play in shaping the world...celebrate the very best in lgbtq literature''#Lol! naturally everyone set to laugh abt Individually being lambda award finalist Authors amidst 40+ anthology contributors. sure#and of course oh absolutely crucial cam stone page. we did make the back of book blurb too after all#born of [crucially soph nothingunrealistic (a) investigates that akd role which (ai) leads to me also checking it out. later (b)#investigates this Call For Submissions For All Trans F&F Zine which (bi) leads to me going ''oh so true cam stone Needs to be there'']#all originating in The Wrong Fake ''Fans'' Show Up For Billions By Way Of Beloved Character Winston lmao#b/c fr imagine the trans f&f zine Doesn't have a Did You Know That???? page abt a delightful akd role & canon nonbinary f&f character#but this amidst Plenty of ''fake'' ''wrong'' ''fans'' messing around w/the concept of Fast & Furious as a Work throughout#as i said & got the feedback of [hell yes You Get It] that the premise Guarantees you get a very Varied & inherently Playful response#not b/c playfulness need be ''unserious'' but it sure need not be ''serious.'' like f&f itself; as part of [the premise guarantees it]#& that the Range of ways ppl can approach this broad concept is like the Range of ways ppl can approach the broad concept of Gender lol#& not Unearnest but needing no Gravitas / ''serious'' ''legitimacy'' guaranteed in turn to ''validate'' your efforts#and your not being the ''right'' or ''expected'' audience getting the perhaps straight(tm)forwardly intended experience here lmao#so in many ways it did feel very resonant / relevant to wynnstannery#embracing [the one use of: editor's note!] and [the one use of: the word ''autistic''!]#2 trans 2 furious#which is probably gonna get a physical reprint sooner than later; pdfs still available despite the lack of link there#was already The Intention if vaguely so; now with the added ''can put the 2024 Lambda Award Nominee / Finalist on the cover lol''#page 54 (i believe) brought to you by a couple of quantnoisseurs; rushed to finish last minute then ft. some post deadline edits lmao#classic....nonzero other works i've Heard Of! nice#which: sure does seem like the focus here is like ''did you hear about these books? :)'' as many ''awards'' can ultimately be#like i Am hearing about them now. had seen abt Being Ace on twitter interesting interesting. hi honey i'm homo hell yeah#do we have one or two f&f films left? put cam stone cameo in there for real. Fast furious worth the effort worth the cost#& just shoutout to the like bifurcation of Akd Role Types. [intense in a relatively restrained affect way. some dramatic flair for sure]#and [spontaneous! vivacious! bright! playful! pretty emotionally open!] that's right lmao
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idk how anyone puts up with me at all
#ella i love you so much for putting up with messages like this. being bombarded with them after you wake up even#rambles#i swear last time i tried to go on a reblog spam from the fiona frost tag it didn't piss me off so much lmao#so many people being fucking terrible abt fiona in the tags#“she's sexist” she's clearly autistic and unable to validate her own self worth outside of how a man perceives her#and it's no secret that they live in a very sexist society#i'm sorry that she's got some self worth issues going on and that's manifesting in sexism but she needs kindness not criticism#and possibly some good head
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The sillys <3
#dear evan hansen#dear evan hansen edit#kliensen#i love kliensen <<33#evan x jared#I forgot that I liked this ship for a sec oopsies 🤭🤭#payton and river are silly in a serious way#evan and jared are silly in a silly goofy goofy childhood friends to lovers way#yeah yeah I know the audio got a lil funky at the beginning but I’m not perfect dangit#this song is so them fr fr#they are autism and adhd (real) /hj#the edit ends so abruptly because I couldn’t find many clips of them together on YouTube lmao#I think I have a Ship Type for Autistic Ben Platt Character and his Boyfriend#I know damn well Jared was crushing on Evan at least a LITTLE BIT#Like yeahhh I know about the ‘family friends’ BS#but do y’all remember how SAD (jealous maybe?) he looked during Only Us when Evan danced with Zoe??#jared is canonically gay in the movie and Bi Evan™️ has just been INGRAINED into this fandom for so long that I didn’t want to mess with it#movie evan hansen#movie jared klienman
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A while ago my brother said "That guy from Fall Out Boy sings his words like your doctor writes anything on your sick note" and a) I can never be so witty ever and b) I CANNOT UNHEAR IT WHENEVER I'M HAVING TROUBLE TELLING WORDS APART IN THEIR SONGS OMFG
(Disclaimer: It wasn't meant as a BAD thing per se, more like an affectionate remark about the slight slurring of speech he has going on lol.)
#it's too funny my brother is a genius#my brother is that autistic guy you know who just says the FUNNIEST SHIT EVER in a flat matter of fact tone#he's amazing#also we are all telling him we love his info dumping#his special interest is Everything Nintendo#watching the mario movie with him was a delight bc we sat a bit away from other and he'd breathlessly whisper all the references to us#only it was so many references and easter eggs he could barely take breath between them lmao#we all told him he was great afterwards and we love his info dumping mode#the sad part is that he was mercilessly abused as a kid bc society has zero tolerance for nd kids who can't mask at all#and he has zero self esteem#so we try to build him up by telling him we love him a lot and i personally adore his info dumping#but it's sad that his special interest is like. his one anchor above the abyss#but he's great really#autism stuff#autism fun#lmao
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Projecting my autism onto my F/Os like
#this applies to way too many of them to tag LMAO#if anyone tries to say noir or spot are not autistic i will Kill#♡ my posts
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lrb reminds me of an argument i got into last year bc i made fun of disney adults and this person called me ableist for mocking autistic ppl’s special interests (???) when my point was about disney adults giving up hundreds and hundreds of dollars to make regular trips to disneyland and purchasing ridiculously expensive disney merch and buying into disney’s halfassed “lgbtq support” etc etc
#they wanted to baby autistic people soooo bad#we are grown people in control of what we spend our money on#my special interests do not drive me to devote every single paycheck to them like. oh my god.#also disney adults are not.. all autistic.. it’s so strange to conflate the two. yeah there could totally be an overlap but even if that is#the case.. autistics can be criticized lmaoo. if my special interest was contributing to something harmful i would hope someone makes fun of#me or tells me to stop and why…… WE R NOT CHILDREN idk lmao#this person did end up seeing reason btw i hope they’re doing well#but sooooo many autistic people infantilize themselves to get out of accountability#anyways.txt
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that feeling when you're autistic and put on so many masks, played so many parts, created so many personas, etc. to try to fit in and please people due to being severely bullied or abused or whatever, that you have no clue who you are. you never developed a "self" ever. you don't have a personality, but you also have 10+ different ones that come out at different times. you don't know what you like or enjoy because it depends on what persona is in control at the time, so it always changes. you contradict yourself a lot. you like something one moment, but can hate it the next. you try to ~be yourself~ but you don't know which of these persona masks are "you." are they all you? are none of them you? how do you know?
#autism things#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#the “you” here is me#and can be anyone who relates. any orher autistic people have this problem?#idk which of these silly little guys is actually me. let them fight each other to figure it out or something#also shoutout to all of them failing at their job and not convincing anyone. the mask never worked. it did nothing at all lmao#cant mask to save my life. but not masking doesn't mean im being “myself” either. idk what this is or how to be “me”#why can't they decide on anything and agree with each other. too many contradictions to choose one “self”#i think about this too much and can never come to a conclusion. ive told people idk who i am and have no self#but they insist i do have a self and personality and stuff. but inside its just chaos with a bunch of gremlins running wild#😫
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Sometimes I feel like a bit of a madman because I have decided to sort through the sound files for Jedi: Fallen Order to isolate and save all of the BD-1 sound bytes.
There are nearly 35 thousand files I am manually going through, listening to them one by one, to isolate any BD-1 sounds. I am about halfway through all of the files and have separated nearly 300 BD-1 sounds so far (and saved some other good sound bytes of troopers, ship/space noises, etc.). I am probably going to do this again once a .zip of all of the sound bytes from Jedi: Survivor are ripped from the game.
Why did I decide to do this? So I could have plenty of BD droid noises to put into my soundboard for D&D. That's it. In the future when I get a 3D-printed BD droid I can also use the sounds for that.
#I should probably upload the zip somewhere once I am done and post it to the modding community. there has been a project to sort through-#the J:FO sounds and classify them but it has not made a TON of progress. This feels like a lot of progress even if it is ONLY for BD sounds#Sometimes I am like 'oh no i shouldnt really call myself autistic because I don't really struggle with it.' and then I do shit like this#like ooohh yea no. I got that 'tism alright [playful]#so many NPCs (troopers and nightbrothers specifically) are voiced my Matt Mercer too. So I have heard so much Mercer doing this lmao#alterhuman#otherkin#fictionkin#commlink
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favourite thing from today is that my 80 yr old grandma immediately understands how dire me securing nothing but thieves tickets tomorrow is
#one of my many talents is convincing people to become obsessed with my special interests#whole family now stans nbt#I’ll put on nbt and my grandma will be like ‘oh yes I like him’#the autistic urge to share the things u love until ppl Get why u love them 🙏🏽#anyway this is also an accountability post for my ass to go to bed at a reasonable time because I have to wake up at 6:30 for this presale#LMAO WISH ME LUCK
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