#and many of the men have attitude issues about women working in the field

[jesteriajunovix]

(Spoilers) Just a Reminder to Curly Sympathizers

Jimmy and Curly are not "Problematic Favs". They're literally thematic vessels for THE problem.

CW: Mentions of SA, and Abuse

Curly (And Pony Express as a Company) Never Cared to give Anya Pysche Evals. Curly only started to care for that when it doubled as an occupational hazard to him and his image.

Curly actively vouches for Jimmy as a crew member despite his "struggle" on earth. I don't see how it'd be far-fetched to assume that involves some form of Misconduct with the fact Curly literally says

"You've gotten through difficult situations before" RIGHT AFTER talking to Anya the actual Victim.

Curly doesn't understand why Anya was talking about the locks on the sleeping quarters and moves past it to reinforce the company's logic. [The Company and Curly can not be bothered to consider or provide actual safety for women. It is an afterthought that resembles a cruel apathy towards women's perspectives in a corporate work environment.]

Would Curly have given the gun to Anya if she asked? Probably not. While that is somewhat debatable It rings to the shitty isolated environment where Anya would have to take up such a mindset. Not to mention Curly is clearly super pals with Jimmy, so if that was a concern he'd probably take Jimmy's (and the rest of the guys) side considering he later took jimmy's side under the fact he sexually assaulted a woman.

The first thing Curly says to Jimmy after trying to consolidate Anya is "I Can Fix This". Curly enables Jimmy to find ways to get out of taking responsibility for the harm he did to Anya.

Curly buckles to the fact his mind is more focused on his position and reputation as a Captain rather than the personal impact Jimmy's harm has caused Anya. This issue is an occupational obstacle to him first and foremost.

Jimmy: "This can be remembered as a tragedy".

Jimmy: "The Tuplar crew was never found."

Jimmy: "You're standing at the top. Feet in cement. Right?"

Curly: "...Right."

And his complacency and dissonance of that truth leads him to do absolutely nothing.

I have seen so much art, and discourse treating him like he wasn't an active enabler. You know what. Fuck it. Half of this is going to double as an Anya Post. thinking about how people disgustingly twist her character to redeem two shitty men who are completely at fault irks me so much.

Anya

The fact that Anya doesn't really get to build herself as a character outside of the scenes that reinforce her tragedy, and antagonist environment feels super sucky.

The purpose of such a narrative direction is of course meant to feed into Jimmy's resentful apathetic attitude towards her, and emphasize the cold unfeeling corporate entity that hired her to be on the tulpar, but as a narrative choice, it still feels rather cruel to take in. Jimmy literally erases her personhood from his mind and only internalizes her presence as a threatening womb while taking the rest of the games runtime to focus on himself and the other men on board.

I see many renditions of Anya in fanart. Adding to her character in ways people weren't really given the time to appreciate or take in during the actual game due to how little she's left with.

I find her canon resolution both annoying and interesting due to this type of interaction where the fans are being pushed towards an interpretive play pen where they are motivated to give Anya more characteristics, quirks, and perspectives than she was allowed to have or emphasize within the game.

Using such field of creative deliberation to redeem the men that actively harmed her is such a gross way to use that play pen.

To get into some interpretations

A pretty important moment occurs after Anya runs out of the medical room during the painkiller scene with the thought:

"I have to believe that our worst moments don't make us monsters"

I think there are quite a few different ways to take this line in this moment, but to share my own perspective I believe it most likely stems from these potential factors:

Anya is trying to maintain a metric of empathy and trust to continue to control herself in the current conditions and stresses she's under at this moment. The needs of the crew can not be upheld without this kind of thinking while under the orders of her abuser.

Anya still cares for Curly and is disconnecting the harm he caused from the rest of his humanity as a person who is also suffering.

Anya is reflecting on her own legitimacy while the internalized trauma she went through makes her feel alienated from herself. Accepting the actual piece of shit that is Curly allows her to hold faith in herself as a person through the shared correlation of pain and "mistakes" as she percieves it bonding her with Curly.

While somewhat ambigous I think its important to generally understand these types of potential layers when interacting with the themes and subjects presented by Anya as a character. Ideas which are critical and dissective of Anya as an actual Subject above a simple generalized understanding of her peripherally as a victim.

also Idea 2 doesn't make Curly vindicated. Curly was the only member that Gave Anya some sense of care (As ingenuine as that care was). That dependency is toxic and was unfortuately potentially of mental necessity to Her. To reframe it as a point for Curly to show he was better than what he presented himself to be so deeply annoys me with how uncritical that reframing is when addressing the actual faults and mentality that led him to his bedridden state. With how little Anya is already focused on, it feels like that interpretation and dynamic hands Curly the position of "Subject" while Anya still remains an "Event" to some people.

That kind of thinking not only significantly reeks of a lack of indulgence in actually trying to further interpret the facets presented in Anya's character, position, and mental state, but also dilutes the meaning to be had in analyzing Curly as an enabler. The framing of Curly as an "Enabler in Rehab" or "Tragic Casualty" feels so utterly ignorant, redundant, and enigmatic to my senses when he is so utterly undeserving compared to Anya who barely gets any other elaboration or analysis from the community outside of "awww wasn't that sad" or sensationalization around "The Event".

I WOULD go into Anya's logic leading up to her death, but thats a post and analysis for a different tumblr user to take care of. I honestly just gradually have developed new ways to hate the Mouthwashing fandom, so I really needed this to make mental space for the next few horrible bizarre takes i'll inevitably see about this game.

[skyfulloflilac]

im thinking of quitting college for the second time and switching to trade school again... my mental health and concentration is still pretty shit, so i just dont have the energy for college (even if ur perfectly healthy its just ridiculously demanding these days, i know so many who got a burn our from it). im not sure what id study yet, but im seriously considering electrician or something energy industry related. theyre not exactly smth im passionate about, but due to allergies and join issues most jobs id love are not possible for me so those would be the best choices i think

[ukrfeminism]

A UK academic who has completed a project creating a Wikipedia page for a woman in every country in the world is calling for more women to contribute to the world’s largest encyclopedia.

Lucy Moore, an archaeologist and curator who also works as an unpaid carer, began the mammoth project in 2021 from her sofa in Leeds, completing it last week – “unsurprisingly, perhaps, I got really stuck on Vatican City”.

She has now written biographies of 532 women since 2019, when she first became a Wikipedia editor, including scientists, monarchs, activists, writers and women whose faces are well known but their stories are not, such as Sharbat Gula, the refugee with striking green eyes pictured in the famous Afghan Girl portrait from 1984.

Less than 20% of the biographies on English language Wikipedia are about women, although this is an improvement on 16% in 2014, when “a range of different editors started to get together and say, ‘Actually, we really need to change this’,” said Moore.

She began by making a table of UN member states and partially recognised UN states, such as Kosovo and Taiwan, and worked through the list based on who caught her eye.

She has now also written dozens of entries for women in autonomous regions such as Hong Kong, Zanzibar and Tibet, and those in overseas territories.

There were many women she had expected to find already had pages, such as Julia Chinn, an enslaved woman who was the common-law wife of the ninth vice-president of the United States, Richard Mentor Johnson.

“She’s really interesting and I was really surprised no one had written about her before,” she said.

She tended to focus on women who share her interests, she said, such as poets, activists and coin specialists, known as numismatists, which is her own field.

“I find it really calming,” she said. “I can go and bury myself in something that is totally, totally different from my day to day.”

But it has not been easy. She said one of the issues was that Wikipedia required three reliable sources for each biography and, while there may have been a lot written on social media about some of the women, they may not have appeared in newspapers, especially in countries where women’s achievements are not taken seriously.

The reaction to her project has been positive, she said. “No one’s said anything nasty on Twitter, though I expect that will come.”

Moore points to the work of her fellow editor Jess Wade, who wrote a number of Wikipedia pages about female scientists, “and then another editor came along and nominated them all for deletion. It was really nasty.”

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She said there was some general criticism on social media that Wikipedia editors were ���making (the gender balance) more of an issue than it actually is”.

“And I find that attitude really annoying, to be honest, because it’s men who say that primarily.”

She pointed to research from 2022 that found there were more Wikipedia entries about football and footballers than there were about women.

However, Moore added: “Some of the most prolific people who work to redress the gender balance on Wikipedia are men and I’m not sure they would all describe it as being a feminist, but that’s what they’re doing.”

Run as a non-profit, open-source encyclopedia that is free to use, Wikipedia can be edited by anyone but only a fifth of its 124,000 regularly active editors are women.

“We do need to get more women to edit, but it’s not just as simple as saying, ‘Hey, women, come and edit’, because we have so much more pressure on our time. There’s all these different studies that show that women have less time to devote to things of interest. And that’s before you even get on to being able to access sources, being able to access particular academic journal articles, which are paywalled.”

Class was also a factor in who contributes and appears on Wikipedia, as was access to education, especially in countries where women are not routinely educated.

“It just gets more and more systemic, the more you look at it,” she said.

Some of the women recognised by Moore

Julia Chinn (c. 1790 – July 1833) was an American plantation manager and enslaved woman of mixed race, who was the common-law wife of the ninth vice-president of the United States, Richard Mentor Johnson. She had two children with the plantation owner and congressman Johnson, who inherited her when his father died, though she would fulfil what at the time was considered the role of the wife of a politician. She was never freed.

Sharbat Gula (born c. 1972) is an Afghan woman who became internationally recognised as the 12-year-old subject in Afghan Girl, a 1984 portrait taken by American photojournalist Steve McCurry that was later published on the cover of National Geographic. The portrait was shot at Nasir Bagh, Pakistan, where Gula was living as a refugee after fleeing the Soviet–Afghan war. Having raised a family in Pakistan for 35 years, Gula was deported to Afghanistan in 2017, later being granted asylum in Italy.

Jeanne Gapiya-Niyonzima (born 12 July 1963, in Bujumbura) is a human rights activist from Burundi. She is the chair and founder of the National Association for Support for HIV-Positive People with Aids (ANSS) and was the first person from the country to publicly admit they had HIV. Gapiya-Niyonzima won the World Food Program prize in 2003, in 2011 addressed the United Nations committee for HIV/Aids in New York and was selected as the Burundian Woman of Courage of the Year in 2012.

Ólafía Einarsdóttir (28 July 1924 – 19 December 2017) was an Icelandic archaeologist and historian, becoming the first Icelander to complete a degree in archaeology. She taught at the University of Copenhagen and published many works about Icelandic sagas and Viking history. Ólafía was awarded an honorary doctorate by the faculty of history and philosophy at the University of Iceland in 2009. The journal Ólafía, published by the Icelandic Association of Archaeologists since 2013, is named after her.

[rollercoasterwords]

heyo! on your tags for the sports post i was curious if you could expand a little on getting rid of gender divided sports leagues?

i’ve never really considered the issue and my only frame of reference would be from my women friends who were undergrad athletes (mostly swimmers/ xc runners) that funded their education through sports and would not be performing at a collegiate level if there was no league for women.

i always love to learn more and while i’ve always been 100% in support of trans women competing in women’s sports, i have never thought about doing away with gendered sports completely so i was curious if there was any reading that shaped ur opinion on the topic!

i mean i think that post itself kinda sums up my own feelings on dividing sports leagues by gender--if the goal in such divisions is to 'even the playing field' by grouping competitors by equal skill or physical ability, then it makes more sense to just....do that. divide sports by weight class where weight would make a significant difference, or height class where height would make a significant difference, etc. or just....let everyone play together, because sports are never going to be perfectly 'fair' in the first place, bc everyone will have physical differences that lend themselves to different sports. again, based on my own personal experience playing in coed soccer leagues as a teen, it really just felt arbitrary to then go play in teams divided by gender; sure, sometimes the boys were better than the girls, but sometimes the girls were better than the boys. the park league i played in just randomized the teams so that there was a mix of skill level on every one, and you worked with what you had. granted, it was just something all of us were doing for fun or extra practice to complement more 'serious' teams we were also on, but still.

i think there's this conception that gendered sports leagues are like...the only thing that allows women to have careers in sports, but i honestly just think that's bullshit. if anything, gendered leagues relegate women to what is almost unilaterally considered a secondary or less important class of athletics--generally speaking women's teams receive less funding, less attention, less institutional support. maybe some sports would have a greater proportion of men playing at a professional level than women if we eradicated gendered divisions between teams, but others would likely have a higher proportion of women (there are already sports where women tend to make up a higher proportion of competitors, like gymnastics or cheer, but those sports are just undervalued because of our existing gendered dynamics in sports where boy sport = serious and girl sport = frivolous), and i also genuinely think there would be plenty of women who could compete on the same playing field as men in popular sports like soccer or baseball or basketball, etc. like. there a lot of professional women athletes who are really fucking good.

and the thing is, when i (and others) say "hey we should get rid of gendered sports leagues," none of us are envisioning this happening in a vaccuum; we're envisioning it happening as part of a wider project of fomenting gender equality (or, eventually, gender abolition)--working to change material conditions so that girls have equal resources to train and play sports if they want to, to make sure everyone has access to the sort of healthcare necessary to play sports, to food and clean water, etc. working to change sexist attitudes about what girls can or can't do or should or shouldn't do that lead people to devalue girls' athletics in the first place. i think part of the reason so many people balk at the idea of eradicating gendered sports leagues is that they imagine snapping their fingers and erasing women's leagues within the already-existing sexist system of current sports leagues, without contextualizing it as a wider project aimed at eradicating sexism throughout athletic culture, etc.

and like, with regard to your example of your friends who wouldn't be competing at the collegiate level without women's leagues. i guess my question there is like...why not? is it because they can't compete with the boys in those leagues? or is it simply because that's the existing structure, so their only option for competing is to compete in a women's league? obviously for people who depend on things like athletic scholarships this is a touchy subject, but again, for me it comes down to the fact that this whole issue doesn't exist in a vaccuum; in the first place, i think a college education should be free to anyone who wants it, and so the project of eradicating gendered sports leagues would ideally be happening in the context of a wider project of making education accessible, removing barriers to educational access, etc. like...these are all things we should be fighting for together.

at the end of the day, i see gendered sports leagues as a 'solution' to the issue of sexism in athletics that treat the symptom rather than the cause, and in doing so only reifies gender essentialism and this idea that women are 'biologically' inferior athletes (and also reifies 'women' and 'men' as two discrete prediscursive categories of being). eradicating gendered sports leagues while simultaneously working in other ways to eradicate sexism actually begins to address the underlying cause: gender essentialism. yes, any change would be slow, and there would certainly still be struggles w sexism in ungendered sports leagues. but just because change would be difficult doesn't mean it's a good reason to accept things the way they are, imo.

[artemiseamoon]

Draft release: Dial up the Jack, Dim the Whiskey

Agent Cognac (Bria Asare) x Agent Jack Whiskey

✨Draft release! ✨

💕Summary: Working at the Statesmen medical department, Bria started her career with aspirations of being an agent. Years after starting, it seems like that dream is never going to come true. Days after her 38th birthday, one of the senior agents gets gravely injured and she’s soon tasked with his care and recovery.

But there’s one issue, she can’t stand Agent Whiskey. As the weeks pass, and he starts to heal, the two form a bond and grow closer. As Jack’s health improves, he realizes the extent of his growing feelings for Bria as she comes to terms with her feelings for him too. 💕

Words:3,983

One shot for Arte’s Year of Whump for @yearofcreation2023 |I’m months behind , so making this the May one 😬| | Year of Whump + fluff /comfort masterlist

💫Below is a preview | read in full here on A03💫

An: still on a mini writing break, just occasionally releasing some drafts. My folder is way too full and taking up space on my phone. 💕this one is more fluff /comfort leaning.

Warnings: light on whump, recovery after injury, misogyny mentioned.

Bria always had two things she imagined for herself, being able to help people and work in the medical science field and being a world-traveling spy.

Growing up she was always glued to the screen for any shows about spies, secret agents, and detectives. It was something she wanted to do before she realized her draw to the medical field in high school.

The dream of being an agent was her first, and still her biggest one. And though she was in the right place for it, she still wasn’t an agent.

She was head of her department and got to work with tech and science, both things she liked, but she still wasn’t an agent. But this was a problem for more than one person at the office, namely Ginger who was also qualified but shot down whenever her name came up.

For all the perks and benefits of working there, the place was still deeply misogynistic in several ways, both from within the system and due to some of the men involved. And though there were women agents, the percentage was far less than that of the men.

Some offices were more progressive, like the New York office. Sometimes Bria wondered if a transfer there would be worth it, and maybe then she could finally have her wish come true. There was also the fact that aside from her job and friends being here, there wasn’t much keeping Bria in Kentucky. Maybe, New York was her future.

After a few days off for her birthday, Bria returned to the office. Upon arrival, she was surprised to find a new patient in her center. Agents get hurt, but that wasn’t the surprising part, what shocked her was who it was.

Some people had a shit ton of luck, and somehow barely got a scratch on them, Agent Whiskey was one of them and he was cocky about it too. The man was damn near indispensable, it was impressive but also fed his massive ego.

This place had many big heads and egos walking around, and Jack was one of them. While many women in the office, and men, fell for his charms and ate out of his palm, Bria wasn't one of them. No matter how physically attractive the man was, and really easy on the eyes, his attitude and ego were a major turn-off for her.

Thankfully she had limited contact with him, but the few times they did circle each other just reaffirmed what she felt about him. Nice to look at but stay away. And though she turned him down a few times, he’d still hit on her now and then. But she never took it too personally, he hit on everyone he liked the look of, it was hard to tell if his interests were genuine sometimes, or if he was just doing it to do it.

Read in full on A03

More Whiskey on my Masterlist

No taglist | Subscribe on A03, follow @artemiseamoon-updates

[warningsine]

A UK academic who has completed a project creating a Wikipedia page for a woman in every country in the world is calling for more women to contribute to the world’s largest encyclopedia.

Lucy Moore, an archaeologist and curator who also works as an unpaid carer, began the mammoth project in 2021 from her sofa in Leeds, completing it last week – “unsurprisingly, perhaps, I got really stuck on Vatican City”.

She has now written biographies of 532 women since 2019, when she first became a Wikipedia editor, including scientists, monarchs, activists, writers and women whose faces are well known but their stories are not, such as Sharbat Gula, the refugee with striking green eyes pictured in the famous Afghan Girl portrait from 1984.

Less than 20% of the biographies on English language Wikipedia are about women, although this is an improvement on 16% in 2014, when “a range of different editors started to get together and say, ‘Actually, we really need to change this’,” said Moore.

She began by making a table of UN member states and partially recognised UN states, such as Kosovo and Taiwan, and worked through the list based on who caught her eye.

She has now also written dozens of entries for women in autonomous regions such as Hong Kong, Zanzibar and Tibet, and those in overseas territories.

There were many women she had expected to find already had pages, such as Julia Chinn, an enslaved woman who was the common-law wife of the ninth vice-president of the United States, Richard Mentor Johnson.

“She’s really interesting and I was really surprised no one had written about her before,” she said.

She tended to focus on women who share her interests, she said, such as poets, activists and coin specialists, known as numismatists, which is her own field.

“I find it really calming,” she said. “I can go and bury myself in something that is totally, totally different from my day to day.”

But it has not been easy. She said one of the issues was that Wikipedia required three reliable sources for each biography and, while there may have been a lot written on social media about some of the women, they may not have appeared in newspapers, especially in countries where women’s achievements are not taken seriously.

The reaction to her project has been positive, she said. “No one’s said anything nasty on Twitter, though I expect that will come.”

Moore points to the work of her fellow editor Jess Wade, who wrote a number of Wikipedia pages about female scientists, “and then another editor came along and nominated them all for deletion. It was really nasty.”

She said there was some general criticism on social media that Wikipedia editors were “making (the gender balance) more of an issue than it actually is”.

“And I find that attitude really annoying, to be honest, because it’s men who say that primarily.”

She pointed to research from 2022 that found there were more Wikipedia entries about football and footballers than there were about women.

However, Moore added: “Some of the most prolific people who work to redress the gender balance on Wikipedia are men and I’m not sure they would all describe it as being a feminist, but that’s what they’re doing.”

Run as a non-profit, open-source encyclopedia that is free to use, Wikipedia can be edited by anyone but only a fifth of its 124,000 regularly active editors are women.

“We do need to get more women to edit, but it’s not just as simple as saying, ‘Hey, women, come and edit’, because we have so much more pressure on our time. There’s all these different studies that show that women have less time to devote to things of interest. And that’s before you even get on to being able to access sources, being able to access particular academic journal articles, which are paywalled.”

Class was also a factor in who contributes and appears on Wikipedia, as was access to education, especially in countries where women are not routinely educated.

“It just gets more and more systemic, the more you look at it,” she said.

Some of the women recognised by Moore

Julia Chinn (c. 1790 – July 1833) was an American plantation manager and enslaved woman of mixed race, who was the common-law wife of the ninth vice-president of the United States, Richard Mentor Johnson. She had two children with the plantation owner and congressman Johnson, who inherited her when his father died, though she would fulfil what at the time was considered the role of the wife of a politician. She was never freed.

Sharbat Gula (born c. 1972) is an Afghan woman who became internationally recognised as the 12-year-old subject in Afghan Girl, a 1984 portrait taken by American photojournalist Steve McCurry that was later published on the cover of National Geographic. The portrait was shot at Nasir Bagh, Pakistan, where Gula was living as a refugee after fleeing the Soviet–Afghan war. Having raised a family in Pakistan for 35 years, Gula was deported to Afghanistan in 2017, later being granted asylum in Italy.

Jeanne Gapiya-Niyonzima (born 12 July 1963, in Bujumbura) is a human rights activist from Burundi. She is the chair and founder of the National Association for Support for HIV-Positive People with Aids (ANSS) and was the first person from the country to publicly admit they had HIV. Gapiya-Niyonzima won the World Food Program prize in 2003, in 2011 addressed the United Nations committee for HIV/Aids in New York and was selected as the Burundian Woman of Courage of the Year in 2012.

Ólafía Einarsdóttir (28 July 1924 – 19 December 2017) was an Icelandic archaeologist and historian, becoming the first Icelander to complete a degree in archaeology. She taught at the University of Copenhagen and published many works about Icelandic sagas and Viking history. Ólafía was awarded an honorary doctorate by the faculty of history and philosophy at the University of Iceland in 2009. The journal Ólafía, published by the Icelandic Association of Archaeologists since 2013, is named after her.

Gloria Meneses (1910 – 1996) was a Uruguayan performer and activist who lived openly from 1950 until her death as travesti – a term used in Latin America to designate people who were assigned male at birth and develop a feminine gender identity. Highly unusual in Latin America at the time, Meneses’ life has been widely honoured in films and exhibitions since her death in 1996.

[somedaytakethetime]

You know what? You're about to get far more familiar with my daddy issues than I ever intended for you to.. plus... it's the gilf's birthday... it's only right.. 😶

Notes and warnings: this one goes out to all the old man whores in the house, I said it! I used to have some girlies out there just like me, thirsting for old men, former dilf players, for whatever reason, and you know? I SAID REPRESENTATION 😤😤😤😤 It's nasty, as a threat and as revenge on my father for not loving me 😤😤😤

Word count: 4 333 words

He's unbelievably charming. Which isn't unnatural for attractive men in their older years, you know this from experience, nearly all of them in this field are. Former beautiful young men that had all the female attention back in their prime, they age like fine wine. Become more handsome with the years, in that way only beautiful people can, look graceful with their wrinkles and greying hair, instead of scrunched up and withered. Become incredibly charming and gentlemen-like. He's exactly like that. His greying hair gives him character, makes him.. attractive. In fact.. you think he's more attractive now than he was in his youth. You've seen old footage, and old pictures, he was handsome then but.. he's beautiful now. The wrinkles around the corners of his eyes, emphasised when he smiles softly, are endearing in a way that some don't get blessed with. He's a gentleman through and through, opens the doors for you, kisses your hand during his goodbyes as he leaves you with the rest of the crew after work is over. The eye contact he always establishes... is.. powerful. Like potent wine, there's something nearly intoxicating about this man. He's far too old for you. On the verge of gilf, not dilf.. many decades between you, he was already a well known, and accomplished, player by the time you were born. It's obviously wrong and tabu, unprofessional, uncouth, and of course nothing is ever going to happen, but.. it's still.. an interesting idea to ponder. What he must have been like. All those women falling over themselves for him in his years of glory. Makes you wonder... you shake your head as you gather up things, the interviews are over and you're tasked with useless things that no one else wants to do. No one ever looks at you. You stand behind the cameras every day, making sure they look good, keeping track of everything, but no one ever sees you. No one ever notices you or even speaks much to you beyond ordering you around. But... in that charming gentleman way of his? He does. He notices you. Looks directly into your eyes when he addresses you, walks beside you when you're going the same way and talks to you. Real talk. Not small and awkward chatter. Asks you deep questions, wants to know your analyses of games, wants your opinions on his words too. He sees you as human. In that way only older men can, you figure, they've had media training for years. Were taught to be professional and courteous to everyone, it's a carefully practiced attitude, made to look honest and genuine even if it isn't, and... you know this.. you know it so well... yet you're still a fool that almost believes he actually cares about what you have to say.

"Do you like this tie?" is asked so randomly, his eyes looking deeply into yours, a soft smile on his face. "Excuse me, sir?", he shakes his head, no matter how many times he tells you to call him by his name, to stop addressing him as 'sir', it just comes out of you, he looks at you again, more serious this time, "I asked: do you like this tie? Do you think it's good with this suit? I bought it on whim and I'm not sure if dark green is my colour, that's what the kids say right? Whatever it is, I don't know if it's good, especially with this tone of grey.." you stare at him for a moment. Both from surprise and appraisal. You didn't expect him to ask you for fashion advice, you wouldn't ever consider yourself the epitome of fashionista, but.. it's cute he asked you. You take your time observing him, looking at his hair again, his face, his brilliant eyes, the way the rich grey of his suit makes him look alive and youthful, elegant.. expensive even, you bet that suit costs more than your yearly pay check.. it's an impeccable suit, tailored to perfection, it fits him like a glove.. he looks good.. you shake your head and look back at the tie. Deep, dark green. It doesn't look offset with his dark grey suit. You don't think you'd put him in green though, it doesn't match him. He's more of a... serious black.. or.. moody grey. Intense in his aura, serious and controlled at work to a fault. If you were to pick a colour for him you'd pick a neutral navy. Boring, sure, but it would bring out his eyes more. Give them depth. "It's not a bad tie, it's pretty. But.. do you want true honesty?" he smirks, something that you've never seen him do.. well.. you have. In old footage, when he was more cocky and arrogant than he is at this age. It's... curious.. you feel heat colour your cheeks, look away from him for a moment as you gather yourself, you're far too old to feel giddy like a school girl. As a matter of fact, he is far too old for you to get a silly crush over. "I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want brutal honesty..", your eyes meet his again, you suddenly feel a little breathless, you get so little attention.. not just around here, but outside too. You haven't established male contact in.. best not think about it. And suddenly there's an incredibly handsome, charming man, in front of you, talking about brutality.. for one single second your brain goes 'I wonder what brutal looks like with him..' and you shake that thought away, exhale and say "I wouldn't wear dark green in your place, it washes out your eyes. You have beautiful eyes, it's a shame for them to look dull. I think navy suits you best, but if you want to risk a colour? I'd say a deep, dark plum. It looks good on greying hair. I read that somewhere.." you laugh softly, embarrassed for no reason, and he just smirks again "Are you calling me old, young lady?", teasing and playful.. he feels so.. young at times.. you have to remind yourself of his age constantly because sometimes you feel like you're talking to some guy your age, he jokes around and laughs, makes shady comments at others when chatting with you, it's.. you shake your head, "I would never, sir.." and look at him from under your lashes, embarrassed. He gets closer to you, his perfume floods your senses, his voice is lower when he says "Good. Because I'm not old, despite rumours going around, you know? I'm only thirty three." winks playfully, in joker mode, and straightens up, "So.. no to the green tie? Okay." and he takes it off immediately, folds it up and places it in his trousers' pocket, unbuttons his shirt and fusses with it, "Do I still look presentable and professional?", you ignore the way you feel your stomach clenching and heating up, nod softly, "Always, sir."

You shouldn't be drinking. It doesn't matter that it's a company party, you shouldn't be drinking. Because your mind wanders off when you drink. Like it is now. Sitting at an empty table and watching him off in the distance. He's not sitting with you, of course he's not, you're too low ranking to sit with the important people. He's mingling with the likes of him, rich and powerful men, important voices in the sport, glorious former players full of knowledge of the beautiful game.. 'Or some bullshit, whatever', you scoff and swirl your wine around in the glass. Wine.. you don't like wine.. but this white wine is decent. Tangy, a little sweet, nothing too offensive to the palate. And most importantly: free. All the wine you want, for free. The deep pockets of the higher ups are paying and well... if you can't have more food for free, then you'll drink their wine. You.. it's not that you resent your job, you like your job, you like being paid and you like some of the people you work with but.. you resent your job. Being surrounded by so much wealth, when you barely have any to hang by, is a little sickening at times. Enduring the rich pricks isn't great either, most of these men are divas, full of themselves and annoying to deal with. But, you need a job, and this one pays decently. And you'll endure it, put up with them, suck up to whoever needs to be buttered up to cooperate, and.. drink all of their wine. For free. As payback. You laugh softly around the rim of your cup as you drink some more, you're tipsy and you know it. It's going to be fun to get on the tube after this one.. with your luck? You're tripping all the way down the steps in these heels, make a show of yourself and have everyone laughing. You laugh by yourself at the thought too, you don't even care anymore, the wine is making you light and happy. "Care to share what's so funny? What hilarious jokes is your marvellous brain thinking of now?", you look up at him, startled that he's here. Breathless that he's here too. A perfectly fitted suit hugs his body, a deep plum tie is wrapped around his neck. His hair glimmers in the extra low lights, eyes sparkling with something more in them. Mood lighting isn't worth shit in your opinion but you'll be damned if it doesn't make him look hot. There. You said it. He looks hot. He's hot. It's sick and tiring to pretend he isn't. It doesn't matter that he's old, he's hot still. And you want him. In a maddeningly desperate way. Freud would have so much to say about you and your thoughts lately, but fuck him anyway, what the hell did that bastard know anyhow. He doesn't understand how it is. To be posed with a beautiful man, that's charming and attentive, that sees you.. that is eyeing up your cleavage in this dress. Barely hiddenly. Oh... that's-.. you sit up straighter, put your glass on the table, say softly, "There's no joke. Well.. I'm the joke actually." he sits next to you, adjusts the chair so he can face you head on, looks puzzled, "Why are you the joke? What's going on?", it's cute that he looks.. concerned.. he's not, you know he's not, but it's still cute.. "I'm likely going to trip down every single step on my way to the tube, land on my butt and probably break something. These shoes are cute but they're hell to walk in. Especially if you've been drinking, you know..", you take the glass, look at the liquid swirling around in it again, amused and transfixed by the motion. He's watching you. You're oblivious but he is. You only pay attention when he suddenly slaps his hands on his thighs softly, "That's it. You're going home then!", you look up at him, his hand is stretched in offering, "It's too cold, I don't want to get on the train yet..", he takes your hand, pulls you up almost.. forcefully, not brutish but.. commanding.. leans down, his eyes intense.. and says "Who says you have to?"

There's a list of things you find incredibly attractive when a man does it. Things that make men seem hotter in your eyes. One of those things.. is driving. You can't explain why, but it's oddly erotic to you. Watching a man drive. The way nearly all of them rest one hand on the car door or their legs, driving one-handed, barely even touch the wheel when they shift gears with the same hand they're usually holding said wheel with.. it's such a confident gesture. They own their cars, men are obsessed with cars, they have a weird bond with them, don't ever believe that their beloved four-wheeled companions will ever betray them. It shows when they pull those moves. Driving with no hands, making risky overtakes, any sort of showing off. They do it with the confidence of someone that doesn't believe they're inside a deadly, metal contraption. He's no different. It makes him all the hotter. You feel like squirming in your seat as you watch him drive. 'I'm too drunk for this shit... god..' rings in your mind when you think about how nice it would be to feel his fingers touch your inner thigh, slowly slip under your dress, against your pant- you focus on the road. You're not even supposed to be here. He insisted on driving you, gave you stern and paternal "I am not allowing you to take public transport when you're in this state. Someone might take advantage of you and you can't defend yourself in this condition. No arguing.", and it was hot as fuck. You were so turned on when he did his little condescending spiel. He might not realise it but you're far less defenceless and innocent than you come across as. You can handle your own, even tipsy and in heels. But you weren't going to pass up the opportunity to not have to step on the filthy, foul-smelling tube so... his expensive, nice smelling, heated-seats car is so much better. You relax into said seat, it's so warm, it feels really good in this chilly night. Your dress is cute, but too thin for this weather now. But it's the only nice black dress you have, you can't afford a million identical black clothes like these men. You can't afford a lot of things.. being in this car is just one more. You also can't afford to let your eyes slide shut, as they're doing, and allow your mind to wonder. What it would be like if he pulled over somewhere secluded.. if his hand wondered up under your dress.. if you climbed into his seat and sunk down on his c-.. "We're here. I think. This is the correct place, yes?", he breaks you out of your fantasies, your eyes open and look around. It takes you a moment to recognise your dingy apartment block but, yup, you're here. "Yes, this is it.", you turn back to face him, smile softly, "Thank you so much, sir, you really didn't have to. I would have been fine on the tube..", he huffs, rolls his eyes, "Yes, I had to. We've been over it. Would you like me to accompany you to the door?", it's so old fashion that you laugh, gather your things, "You really don't have to, guys don't do that anymore, you know?", but it doesn't matter.. he still walks out of the car, holds the door open for you, takes your hand and helps you out.. walks you all the way to your building's door.. looks at you so intensely.. "I'm not 'a guy', sweetheart, I'm a man." and in that very moment, looking up at a man that's well over twice your age, you've never been more turned on your whole life.

Things change after that. He still talks to you but it's far less.. close. He puts up distance between you. Like he's trying to undo the damage he's done. You're embarrassed and ashamed. Feel like it's your fault, feel stupid that you might have made your need known to him that night when he asserted that he's a man. You hate that you want him so badly. Reality is, you're tired of guys. Of little boys. Of everything in between. You're tired of the deal-breaker rules that most of the sleazes have, tired of pointless flirting because all they want it to pump and dump it. Tired of being bored by their conversations. Tired of being unsatisfied from their so called "moves". You just want.. something real. Someone that will take over, someone that will know. Someone that places your needs above theirs. You're tired of having to take care of men, you do it for a living, you don't want to do it privately too. Ironic that you want an old man then, because that's likely what would happen if you.. but.. it would be different. You think how taking care of him wouldn't feel like a burden, because you like him. In a way that's deeper than with others. And because.. he'd take care of you too.. you close your eyes, allow yourself to imagine it for one moment, what it could be. Years mean nothing at all when paired with longing, with respect and a mutual devotion. Deep understanding. In the end.. you crave a paternal sort of love.. you crave being cared for, babied, showered in love and affection.. and who better to do that.. than someone older.. more experienced.. someone that's lived and understands the ropes of life.. someone who will validate you the way you crave, praise you, adore you... someone.. "Are you alright?", his voice makes you tremble, you open your eyes to look at him, and realise why he's asking if you're okay. Your face is damp. You started crying without meaning to. You look away from him, deeply embarrassed, rub at your face viciously, "Yes, sir, of course. Don't mind me at all, it's just silly feminine hormones.", that usually scares off all of them, but he's not all of them.. his strong hand softly takes yours, "If you need to talk, you know you can always talk to me. If I can help you in any way, I will.", the look in his eyes... it feels.. protective.. worried.. paternal. It fucks you up, your bottom lip starts to tremble as tears well up in your eyes, you nod and stay silent. As you start to fall apart he just pulls you in. Holds you tightly to his body, tucks you in, pets your hair like a child, "Shhh, you're okay. Just let that out. You don't always have to be strong, darling, it's okay. You're okay now, let it go.", you're even more embarrassed, when you finally pull away from him, to noticed you left wet tears all over his suit jacket. "I'm so sorry, sir." and he just smiles softly, wipes your face and holds it so gently, "None of that. Are you okay now?", you're not, you don't think you'll ever be but.. you're lighter. You nod and thank him softly, he smiles brighter, "There's nothing to thank me for. I'm here for you, okay?" he ruffles your hair, feels oddly paternal again, and.. sick and twisted, you're aware, but you desperately want to jump this man. You watch him walk away, taking his jacket off and tossing it on the grass carelessly, and wonder if you'll ever get that chance.

"Oh fuck, yes, there, yes yes yes.", he's good.. he's so good. His body is hot and sturdy, he's still strong despite the years, can easily hold you up against the wall as he thrusts into you, rough and fast, breathing against your neck, smirk pressed to your skin.. voice low.. "You like that, sweetheart? Feels good like this?", you whine, claw at his skin, beg for more, you're so close... that you fall out of bed when your alarm goes off. "MOTHERFUC-", you stand up and glare at your phone, shut off the damn thing so it stops beeping, grunt and angrily walk to the bathroom. Cursing, cranky, you gather yourself and get ready for the day, skip breakfast because you're so angry you don't even want to look at food. You nearly kick a man on the tube because he pisses you off with his flamboyant spreading, you paid for the seat just like he did and you deserve to sit on it, dammit! And you deserve to seat on it in peace, without some gross guy's leg rubbing against yours the whole way. You're in a foul mood all day. You're in a foul mood on the way home even. Hell, you're in a foul mood when someone rings your bell at nearly 10:30 at night! "What??", you open the door wide and crankily ask, ready to fight whichever one of your neighbours has come to bitch about whatever, until you find him there. He smirks, amused at your little snippy attitude, "Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, I see..", and you almost tell him exactly why that was even, if you suffer with the pent up frustration, he should have to suffer with the trauma. "I'm sorry, sir, how can I help you?", you're snippy and he's amused. Finds you adorable right now. His hands slide into his pockets. He's wearing soft joggers and a tshirt. A sleek puffer jacket thrown on top. You've never seen him dressed this way. He looks younger... somehow even hotter now... it's ridiculous, you can't stand this man. "May I come in?", he tilts his head to the side, looks at you in a way he's never done before.. your knees feel weak as you step aside to allow him in. He surveys your house curiously, turns around and says "I like it, minimal. You'd fit in at my house.", your eyes burn into him 'Wouldn't I like to...', you walk into your own home, feeling naked under his gaze, suddenly the too-small old tshirt and the soft shorts aren't the best outfit you could have on.. "What are you here for, sir?", you're putting away your dishes, back turned to him, and you suddenly feel him pressed to you, one hand wraps softly around your hip, thumb stroking your skin under the fabric, voice deep and low, right in your ear, "You know what I'm here for.."

Listen... you don't want to hear it. You don't care. Yes, like a porn cliché, you're on the counter, fucking this old man. But you know what? It's exactly what you wanted. Needed even. He's good. Even better than your dream. He's not what you expected at all, you didn't know what an older body would look like naked, you've never been with a man his age before, but he looks good. He's softer now, age does that to all, but he's still attractive. He's surprisingly.. well endowed.. granted.. who were you kidding? The man is huge, of course he'd look like that.. it's ridiculous to think he wouldn't. It feels good inside you too, he knows what to do with it, you figure years of experience, trial and error do have their perks. His hands are nice too. A little calloused, but it adds to the experience. He touches you slowly, burns trails into your skin, knows exactly how to circle your nipples, knows exactly how to touch your clit to have you whining and scratching your nails down his back. "You mewl like a kitten, did you know that?", his voice sounds amused, you whine again without meaning to, there's an air of condescension coming from him.. and you'd be lying if you said it doesn't turn you on. He's powerful, self assured, knows exactly what to do and how to do it too. Isn't shy nor hesitant, moves you around where he wants you, fucks you deeper when he feels like it and stops it all when he wants to tease you. It's maddening. It's intense in a way you haven't had with younger men. When his hand takes hold of your chin, forces you to look at him as he thrusts faster and rougher into you, he's dripping with male confidence in a way that only a man his age could. They were raised to be cads, you have family too.., and it normally isn't a perk but for sex? You're finding out it is. He's unapologetic in his ways, holds your legs apart so he can look down between your bodies, watches himself sink in and out of you, "Look at you... letting an old man fuck you.. and liking it too, aren't you, darling?", he's all smirk and confidence, he knows you're enjoying it and he's not going to fuck around and pretend he doesn't. He knows you want him, has known you want him for the longest time, but he was trying to keep it in check. He knows he's far too old for you, everyone would lose their minds, but.. does he actually give a shit? As his hands pull you further down the counter and his cock sinks into you deeper, he finds that, no, he doesn't give a shit. "Fuck fuck fuck, there, please please, let me c-", he kisses you, rough and sloppy, makes you moan again, pulls away, holds your face in place, whispers softly, "You'll come when I want you to come. Are we understood, darling?", you whine, shiver all over and nod, curse when he slows down.. thumb circling your clit and driving you insane.. "If you keep that u-", you're going to come even if he doesn't like it.. "Quiet. Don't talk back or I might have to show you how sassy girls get treated..", he looks into your eyes, holds your face with his other hand, "Understood?", "Yes, sir.", the smirk before he kisses you is so erotic it hurts. He speeds up, presses harder into you, his body covering yours, voice right in your ear, "Why don't you show me what good girls can do, hm? Why don't you come for me and let me feel this pussy clenching, darling?", he doesn't even have to ask twice.. you come so hard in that moment that even your bones rattle. You're panting for air, he doesn't stop thrusting into you but moves slower now, you're wondering if he's tired when he lifts you off the counter, but he whispers in your ear, "Which way is your bedroom then? I have a few more things to show you while I'm here.." and you realise that maybe.. just maybe... that thing about 'old men have no stamina and their sexual potential is down the drain without viagra' might not be true after all...

[crispynightpeanut]

Gender discrimination

Gender discrimination refers to the unfair or unequal treatment of individuals based on their gender, often resulting in disadvantages or obstacles in various areas of life. It stems from deeply rooted cultural norms, stereotypes, and biases and manifests across multiple domains, including the workplace, education, politics, healthcare, and daily interactions. Gender discrimination affects all genders, though historically, it has disproportionately impacted women and non-binary individuals.

Forms of Gender Discrimination

Workplace Discrimination:

Pay Gap: Women and other marginalized genders often receive lower pay than men for the same work.

Hiring Bias: Certain genders may face barriers in being hired for specific roles due to stereotypes.

Promotion Inequality: Gender biases can limit access to leadership positions, often referred to as the “glass ceiling.”

Sexual Harassment: Unwanted attention, harassment, and discrimination based on gender identity or expression occur in many workplaces.

Educational Disparities:

Access to Education: In some regions, girls and non-binary individuals face barriers to education due to social or economic factors.

Subject Bias: Stereotypes may discourage women and other genders from entering fields like STEM, while men might be discouraged from careers in caregiving professions.

Political Representation:

Underrepresentation: Many political systems have a lower percentage of female or non-binary representatives, limiting diverse perspectives in policy-making.

Healthcare:

Medical Bias: Gender bias can impact diagnoses and treatments, as medical research has historically focused on men, leading to misdiagnoses or under-treatment for others.

Reproductive Rights: Women and non-binary people may face restrictions or limited access to reproductive healthcare, affecting their bodily autonomy.

Everyday Interactions and Cultural Norms:

Gender Roles: Cultural expectations often dictate "appropriate" behaviors, interests, and roles for different genders, limiting individual freedom and self-expression.

Violence and Safety: Gender-based violence, including domestic abuse, sexual violence, and harassment, disproportionately affects women and non-binary individuals.

Causes of Gender Discrimination

Cultural Norms and Stereotypes: Deeply ingrained societal beliefs about what is "appropriate" for each gender shape how individuals are treated and perceived.

Patriarchal Structures: Many societies have historically been dominated by male perspectives and control, leading to systemic bias.

Lack of Representation: Underrepresentation of certain genders in leadership roles perpetuates a lack of diverse perspectives and equitable policies.

Economic and Structural Inequality: Gender discrimination is often perpetuated by economic and institutional policies that favor certain groups over others.

Effects of Gender Discrimination

Economic Disadvantage: Gender discrimination limits access to high-paying jobs and promotions, leading to financial inequality.

Mental Health Impacts: Discrimination can lead to stress, depression, and anxiety, affecting individuals' well-being.

Limited Personal and Professional Growth: Discrimination restricts educational, career, and personal opportunities, limiting individuals' ability to reach their potential.

Social Inequality: Gender discrimination reinforces social hierarchies and inequalities, hindering societal progress.

Combating Gender Discrimination

Legal Protections: Laws against discrimination in workplaces, educational institutions, and other public spheres help provide accountability.

Educational Programs: Raising awareness and educating people on gender issues can break down stereotypes and shift societal attitudes.

Diverse Representation: Increasing the representation of women and marginalized genders in leadership, media, and policymaking is crucial.

Gender Equity Initiatives: Programs that address disparities, such as gender pay audits, parental leave policies, and inclusive hiring practices, help create fairer environments.

Gender discrimination remains a pervasive issue, but progress continues through the efforts of individuals, communities, and organizations advocating for equality. Ending gender discrimination can lead to a more just, prosperous, and inclusive society for everyone.

4o

[ear-worthy]

CUTI Podcast Exposes Healthcare's Dirty Secret about Chronic Urinary Tract Infections

 March 8th is International Women's Day

Women have gotten the short end of the proverbial stick in health care for centuries. Is it getting better? Yes, but slowly and with resistance from those manly men who feel society doesn't give them enough respect anymore.

Consider some examples. For decades, the dosage of over-the-counter and prescription drugs was calculated based on only on male physiology. When crash dummies were first developed for auto safety tests, male crash dummies were exclusively used. Heart attacks among women were under diagnosed for decades and still are ignored because the symptoms for women are different.

According to a 2022 NPR report, one study shows that middle-aged women with chest pain were twice as likely to be diagnosed with a mental illness than their male counterparts. Another study found that women and people of color who visited emergency rooms with chest pain waited longer to be seen by a doctor.

How about urinary tract infections (UTIs)?  Women get UTIs up to 30 times more often than men do. Also, as many as 4 in 10 women who get a UTI will get at least one more within six months. Women get UTIs more often because a woman's urethra (the tube from the bladder to where the urine comes out of the body) is shorter than a man's.

Does that data mean that UTIs are a "female problem?" No, it's a health care diagnosis and treatment problem.

According to podcast producer Verity De Cala for Roadhouse Transmissions, "Chronic UTIs (CUTI)  are one of the most neglected health issues facing women today."

 In a three-part documentary podcast series beginning March 8, CUTI will be available for listening. Told through the eyes of the patients, expert researchers and doctors in the field, it's a story that highlights the worst effects of the gender health gap and interrogates how we view women in pain. Why produce such a podcast?

Verity explains: "The Roundhouse is a hub of inspiration where artists and emerging talent create extraordinary work and where young people can grow ​creatively as individuals. We believe in the power of creativity to change lives. By giving young people the chance to engage with the arts ​through our music, media and performance projects, we inspire them to reach further, dream bigger, and achieve more."

Beginning March 8th, ​producer and host Verity de Cala will guide you through this three-part narrative series with every episode carefully soundscaped to capture the complicated world of living with CUTI, the science, and culture that surrounds the illness. Guests include experts in the field: Dr Cat Anderson, Dr Raj Khasriya, Professor Jennifer Rhon, campaign group CUTIC, and stories from women living with CUTI.

Here's how the episodes will be released and the specific topic of each episode: E1 released 03/08/2023 CUTI - Tests, Misogyny and Misconceptions - If something doesn't have a name, can it exist? We look at how misconceptions, misogyny and a lack of research, have not only shaped science, but also the patients experiences... E2 released 03/15/2023 CUTI - Treatment, Antibiotics and Changing Attitudes - Why is it so hard to find the right treatment for CUTI? We look at how CUTI patients find treatment, what it's costing them, the pressures on doctors prescribing antibiotics, and ask - are there any better alternatives... ? E3 released 03/22/2023 CUTI - Coping, Community and UTIs in children - How does living with a UTI affect your daily life? We explore the importance of supportive communities, the work of activists, and investigate the growing problem of UTls in children. Verity details the issues surrounding CUTI. "Imagine battling an illness that doctors tell many women doesn't exist." Verity notes that half of all women will suffer with a UTI at some point in their lives, and luckily for most, it goes away. But for a growing number of women, that simply isn't the case. For these women the symptoms can persist for months, which turns into years, and it becomes a chronic UTI.

For example, research from Penn Medicine concludes that the cranberry juice cure is one of the most commonly believed myths about treating UTIs. According to Penn, "Don’t for a minute think that a bottle of cranberry juice can replace a visit to your doctor or proper medication. It turns out cranberry juice isn’t nearly as effective as many people think."

In these three podcast episodes, you will hear the personal stories of women suffering from CUTI. These women have dealt with outdated testing, extended waits for a diagnosis, and then being told, "your pain isn't real. It's all in your head."

Remember when doctors claimed fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) were identified initially as "all in your head" conditions? Both conditions affected women at a higher rate than men. Not anymore. With more research came awareness that both conditions resulted from a constellation of factors, and treatment protocols have been developed. CUTI reflects the very worst of how health care professionals around the world continue to view women's pain in society. Verity De Cala puts that statement into perspective. "With over 1.7 million women thought to be suffering in the UK, what is it like to fight a CUTI? After all, it's an illness that doctors don't understand, or even worse, don't believe women have."

Although the narrative is based in the U.K., CUTI is a pressing health issue for women in the U.S. and around the world.

Women have filled the knowledge void left by doctors and health care organizations about chronic UTIs with online forums, charities and support groups.

Check out this three-part documentary podcast CUTI to understand how women are suffering for years from a condition that health care professionals didn't fully understand, misdiagnosed, and then provided ineffective treatment options, if they offered any at all other than drinking cranberry juice. 

[ladygynecologistindore]

Empowering Women in Indore: Managing Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

Indore, India is a city that has always been known for its vibrant culture and progressive attitude towards women’s rights. In recent years, the city has seen an increase in awareness of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), a condition that affects many women around the world. PCOS is caused by hormonal imbalances and can cause infertility, irregular menstrual cycles, acne, and excessive facial hair growth among other symptoms.

In Indore, several initiatives are being taken to empower women with PCOS through education about their condition as well as providing support services to help them manage it better. One such initiative is ‘Umeed e Zindagi’ – Uplifting Women with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which was founded in 2017 by Dr. Poonam Raikwar, a female gynaecologist in Indore,  who herself suffered from this disorder since her teenage years. The organization aims at creating awareness regarding PCOS amongst both men and women so that they can understand it better & take preventive measures against it & also provide emotional support for those affected by this syndrome through counseling sessions.

This organization works closely with various medical institutions like Choithram Hospital, MGM Medical College, etc where specialized doctors are available to diagnose & treat patients suffering from PCOS. Apart from these medical facilities, Umeed e Zindagi also conducts regular workshops on healthy lifestyle choices such as diet plans & exercises tailored specifically for those suffering from the disorder along with mental health counseling sessions too if required. These steps have helped immensely in empowering people living with polycystic ovaries syndrome (PCOs) so that they don't feel alone or helpless when dealing with their condition but instead find hope within themselves while fighting against this disease together!

Overall, Indore's efforts towards empowering its female population living under the shadow of polycystic ovary syndrome have been commendable - not only do these initiatives bring much-needed attention on how best one should tackle such issues but more importantly create an atmosphere where sufferers know they're not alone!

About the Author:

Dr. Poonam Raikwar is a prominent gynecologist and obstetrician in Indore, dedicated to providing exceptional healthcare services to women. With her extensive knowledge, expertise, and compassionate approach, she has become a trusted name in the field of women's health. Dr. Raikwar offers a wide range of specialized services, including prenatal care, high-risk pregnancy management, infertility treatment, gynecological surgeries, and comprehensive reproductive health services. She strongly believes in empowering her patients through education and ensuring their comfort throughout their healthcare journey.

[joesanimationblog]

Academic Blog Post 3

Animated character designs, masculinity, femininity.

I found the lecture on politics diversity, inclusion, and theories of 'race' and gender really interesting especially the sections on inclusivity and gender. The separation of sex and gender being a key point in western feminist theory is interesting as within feminist theory gender is a social construct that is rapidly evolving whereas sex is a biologically fixed state which cannot be changed. 

My interests lie in the way masculinity and femininity are seen as key aspects of defining genders, I understand that they derive from the words male and female which are describing the sex of a person however I struggle to see where these behaviours intercept with biological sex directly and how this interception of behaviour and sex relates to gender identity.

Feminist cultural theorist Rosalind Gill discusses the "contradictions of the constructions of gender in today's media" in her book "Gender and the Media" she states"It is precisely the contradictoriness of contemporary representations of gender in the media that makes the field so difficult and challenging". The black and white portrayal of gender expressed by todays media is something which I want to avoid in my work as I think character design and the representation of gender in animation is an important issue.

I will discuss how this disconnect between sex and gender, and the dialogue around it has impacted the way I approach character design and why I think it is important to approach character design with an understanding of gender as a construct and sex as a constant, but also of the importance of equality and representation within the field of animation and character design.

In the past, I approached character design with the character's function as the core of my process and then use archetypes and stereotypes to form a foundation for design choices to be made. Representation of varying groups would not be a part of my process and this creates issues. 

It is common for cross-dressing to be used as a visual cue for a character to be evil, demented, or wacky. Paul Wells' 1998 book "Understanding Animation" has a section titled "Cross-dressing, transvestism, gender-bending, cross-species coupling, and other unusual trends" where he discusses masculinity and femininity in character design as a language of traits that help audiences identify the sex of a character. He mentions how using feminine traits with a male character offers an "opportunity for humour but also for subversive appropriation". 

The offensive representation women is also a key issue as female characters are often designed to be over sexualised abstractions of the female form. e.g. The image below of Jessica Rabbit.

Attitudes towards female representation in tv, animation and cinema seem to be changing as the media plays a key role in voicing the dissatisfaction many people have with how female characters have historically been pushed to the side as fetishized, shallow perversions of what women "should be".

The influence this has on the attitudes of young men and women regarding gender and sex is debated but the importance of positive representations of all people cannot be understated. The media we consume plays a key part in the construction of gender through socialisation, our expectations of what it means to be biologically female and biologically male are intertwined with gender.

These issues have led me to alter the way I think about character design and writing. Yes function is still the core of my approach, and yes I still use clichés to communicate the role of my characters, but I try to avoid overly gendering characters or using the cookie-cutter archetypes which seem so common. I don't want characters to be defined by identities by association but I want my characters to form their own identities through actions and have those actions illustrate the way they perceive themselves and have this be the identity the viewer sees. 

Individuality in my eyes is the key to avoiding issues of representation because even if you can't represent everyone, encouraging individuality through characters is a good way to empower others about their own identities.  

Bibliography

Gill, R. (2018) “1 Gender and the Media,” in Gender and the media. Cambridge, Cambridgeshire: Polity Press, pp. 16–20.

Jessica Rabbit (no date) Disney Wiki. Available at: https://disney.fandom.com/wiki/Jessica_Rabbit (Accessed: January 12, 2023).

Wells, P. (2016) “Cross-dressing, transvestism, gender-bending, cross-species coupling and other unusual trends,” in Understanding animation. London: Routledge, pp. 203–208.

ZALEWSKI, M.A.R.Y.S.I.A. (2010) “‘I don't even know what gender is’: A discussion of the connections between gender, gender mainstreaming and feminist theory,” Review of International Studies, 36(1), pp. 3–27. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1017/s0260210509990489.

[evidence-based-activism]

Okay! So, I decided to go ahead and go through the sources linked by @aliciabenissa on this post. Mostly because I really hate when people try and debate the literal definitions of words with me. @radkindoffeminist I thought you may also be interested in this since you commented on this post. Before beginning, I want to reiterate again that non-academic sources are still useful rhetorical devices. Essays, speeches, anecdotal evidence, and other sources have a role to play in both academic and non-academic discourse. It is disingenuous however to pass off an non-academic source as academic (and it is also a rising problem within many academic fields). First source (McKee, 2007a) used a self-selection survey sample of about 1000 people, 82% of whom were male. I had to go to a separate article (McKee, 2007b) to get that statistic. Additionally, the response rate to this survey was only 7.3% (very low). Further, this article is concerned exclusively with the effects of pornography on porn consumers, entirely neglecting the industry itself. The ultimate conclusion of this study is that people who consume pornography tend to think it benefits them positively. This is unsurprising, considering we tend to avoid ego-dystonic behaviors. In fact, previous experiments have shown that we tend to adapt or world-views to fit our behaviors, so as to avoid cognitive dissonance. Nonetheless, this source was an academic source. The second source (Orlowski, 2012) is not an academic source. It was published in the “Modern American” a student run, non-peer reviewed publication at the American University Washington College of Law. This is not a study, meta-analysis, or or review article, and is best characterized as a position paper. I don’t want to get too far into the content of the paper, but suffice to say, the paper argues that non-obscene pornography is protected under the first amendment. Curiously, the author posits that the current definition of obscenity is a reliable measure for deciding what pornography should be allowed, despite the definition of obscenity being notoriously unreliable and obscure. The third source (Friedersdorf, 2016) is also not an academic source. It is essentially an opinion essay published in The Atlantic. The main argument used is based on population studies, a methodology challenged in this study (Kingston & Malamuth, 2011), which you will note, is an actual peer reviewed academic article. The fourth source (Diamond, 2009) is academic! It’s also challenged by the same paper mentioned above (Kingston & Malamuth, 2011). The other main finding of this work is that people only want porn to be restricted from children, and think it’s fine to have available. Again, I don’t find the fact that porn consumers believe porn is fine to be surprising (see the discussion of the first source above). This article is also entirely focused on consumers. The fifth source (Pornography, n.d.) is a Psychology Today article that references the fourth source. Along with a study similar to the first source (McKee, 2007a). The same criticisms clearly apply. Nevertheless, the authors of that particular study (Hald & Malamuth, 2008) actually take the time to point out these problems with such a study design, and explain how the survey results actually support the arguments about desensitization, which is common component of anti-porn arguments. Source six (5 Reasons Watching Porn Together Can Be Good for Your Marriage, 2013) is a HuffPost article. It is not academic. The ideas presented are inane at best, and offensive at worst. Source seven (Moyer, n.d.) is also not an academic article. It is published in Scientific American which is a popular science magazine. The studies and arguments used in this article have already been debunked above. Source eight (Park, 2010) references source four (Diamond, 2009). It’s also not an academic source, as it is published in Time which is a magazine. The article also take an anti-pornography stance, describing the results as “provocative” ultimately unreliable and problematic. Source nine (McCormack & Wignall, 2017) is an academic source with a small sample size (n=35) of all men. It again is entirely concerned with the consumers of pornography, and relies on self-report of positive/negative effects. I explained how this is a flawed methodology in my discussion of source one (McKee, 2007a). I cannot verify if source ten (Wasserman, 1996) is an academic source or not. Based on what I’m able to access it looks like a position paper. Source eleven (Why Criminalizing Rape Porn Is a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Idea, 2014) is non academic. It is an opinion article in an “Internet Newspaper” called The Daily Dot. It’s entirely an appeal to emotion and references several of the above debunked arguments. Source twelve (Prause & Pfaus, 2015) is academic. It’s also about whether or not men who view porn experience erectile dysfunction, which, frankly, isn’t one of my main concerns about the sex industry. Since I know this is the only reason why some men will stop watching porn however: the study’s findings are strongly rebuked in a subsequent comment (Isenberg, 2015) that lays out several methodological and analytical problems found in the report. The final source (The 8 Best Sites to Watch Ethical, Fair Trade Porn, 2017) is not academic. It’s another opinion article with no sources (but plenty of links to porn sites) on The Daily Dot (the same as source eleven). It barely presents an argument at all, so I’ll just link you to my posts on how porn cannot be legal because it doesn’t comply to OSHA and a short opinion post on the violence inherent to porn. So, in summary: 8 out of 13 sources are non-academic, 4 out of 13 sources are academic (2 of which are directly challenged and all four of which have significant methodological issues), and 1 source is unknown. Of the twelve sources I verified, they were all entirely concerned with pornography consumers; neglecting “sex workers” altogether. (Hopefully, I don’t need to spell out why that’s a problem.) And @aliciabenissa I genuinely hope you aren’t sending sources like this to your supervisors and calling them academic. I strongly suggest using databases from your library or institution (such as ulrichsweb) to verify the legitimacy of sources.

A reminder for everyone that I have several essay posts discussing literature on the sex industry in my “sex industry” tag. This post may be a nice place to start for literature on how porn affects the consumer and I challenge other pro-porn articles in this post. Also take a look at this post for a nice summary article on the nordic model.

[Citation list under the cut]

5 reasons watching porn together can be good for your marriage. (2013, March 7). HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-reasons-why-watching-po_b_2766968

Diamond, M. (2009). Pornography, public acceptance and sex related crime: A review. International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, 32(5), 304–314. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijlp.2009.06.004

Friedersdorf, C. (2016, April 7). Is porn culture to be feared? The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/04/porn-culture/477099/

Hald, G. M., & Malamuth, N. M. (2008). Self-perceived effects of pornography consumption. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 37(4), 614–625. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9212-1

Isenberg, R. A. (2015). Viewing sexual stimuli associated with greater sexual responsiveness, not erectile dysfunction: A comment. Sexual Medicine, 3(3), 219–221. https://doi.org/10.1002/sm2.71

Kingston, D. A., & Malamuth, N. M. (2011). Problems with aggregate data and the importance of individual differences in the study of pornography and sexual aggression: Comment on diamond, jozifkova, and weiss(2010). Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(5), 1045–1048. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-011-9743-3

McCormack, M., & Wignall, L. (2017). Enjoyment, exploration and education: Understanding the consumption of pornography among young men with non-exclusive sexual orientations. Sociology, 51(5), 975–991. https://doi.org/10.1177/0038038516629909

McKee, A. (2007a). Positive and negative effects of pornography as attributed by consumers. Australian Journal of Communication , 34(1), 87–104.

McKee, A. (2007b). The relationship between attitudes towards women, consumption of pornography, and other demographic variables in a survey of 1,023 consumers of pornography. International Journal of Sexual Health, 19(1), 31–45. https://doi.org/10.1300/J514v19n01_05

Moyer, M. W. (n.d.). The sunny side of smut. Scientific American. https://doi.org/10.1038/scientificamericanmind0711-14

Orlowski, J. (2012). Beyond Gratification:The Benefits of Pornography and the Demedicalization of Female Sexuality. The Modern American, 8(2), 53–71.

Park, A. (2010, December 2). Study: Making pornography more accessible may curb child abuse. Time. https://healthland.time.com/2010/12/02/study-making-pornography-more-accessible-may-curb-child-abuse/

Pornography: Beneficial or detrimental? | psychology today. (n.d.). Retrieved July 19, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography-beneficial-or-detrimental

Prause, N., & Pfaus, J. (2015). Viewing sexual stimuli associated with greater sexual responsiveness, not erectile dysfunction. Sexual Medicine, 3(2), 90–98. https://doi.org/10.1002/sm2.58

The 8 best sites to watch ethical, fair trade porn. (2017, December 16). The Daily Dot. https://www.dailydot.com/nsfw/guides/porn-ethical-premium/

Wasserman, M. (1996). Positive, powerful pornography. Agenda, 28, 58. https://doi.org/10.2307/4065758

Why criminalizing rape porn is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea. (2014, June 18). The Daily Dot. https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/criminalizing-rape-porn-terrible-idea/

[roach-works]

hey roach! i've gained a bit of an interest in welding due to your tales. do you know much about how a cis girl might fare in that kind of industry? physically and socially?

i don’t know much, unfortunately: i’ve only had three years’ experience in one factory, and that’s as a (closeted) trans man. there are maybe a dozen welders at my factory and i think at the moment there’s only one woman, in another department. from what i’ve heard, the issue is that there just aren’t very many women welders at all. there’s some dismissive ‘women who aren’t super nice to men are mean old bitches’ attitude from the men on the floor that i’ve seen, but i’ve seen that same attitude from men in retail, too.

at one point a woman and a man were being trained as welders from another department and the woman wasn’t kept on because of her ‘attitude’, which is usually a big red sexist flag. but actually i was there for the whole process and it wasn’t an issue of gender bias, it was an issue of she was lazy and rude and spent most of the time she should have been practicing hanging around with other women from her prior department and chatting. the man was much more polite and hardworking and spent the entire training week in his booth practicing hard, so he got the promotion. it was, actually, pretty fair.

as something to also consider, i was hired when i was still legally female and HR knew they were getting a trans man who very much needed for his coworkers not to know i wasn’t cis, and i gotta say, as much as i’ve bitched about the shitty management of my factory, HR has always had my back. they used my chosen name and pronouns the entire time, and switched my paperwork over for me immediately when i told them to once i was legally male. as far as i know, no one i haven’t personally told i was trans has ever known before i told them.

that being said, basically every man who’s ever looked at me has visibly and verbally concluded that i’m very homosexual, and they still treat me fine. and this is in indiana, a fairly conservative area. i’ve only had a problem with maybe one coworker in all three years.

back to the woman thing, there are a lot of women at my factory. not half, sadly, but maybe a third. they install furniture, they do wiring, they haul stuff around, just the same as the men, they’re not just secretaries. while it’s always harder for women to get into male-dominated fields, it’s still worth the effort, because male-dominated fields pay better than female ones. the women who work them seem to have to be a bit tough, a bit aggressive, and get a thick enough skin to keep up with a bunch of men who aren’t exactly malicious, and who often mean well and want to get along with women coworkers... but are definitely not enlightened feminist allies. but also there’s still plenty of sexism going on in office jobs and retail, so. there’s that.

anyway, there definitely needs to be women welders, and all the managers and hirers i’ve ever talked to have always said that they do want to hire more women. there just aren’t enough applicants, they say. maybe it’s a lie, but it’s still worth testing.

also, as much as i complain about the physical strain and the exhaustion, it feels so good to spend my day on my own doing simple, constructive labor with absolutely no customer interaction whatsoever. i am never, ever, EVER going back to retail.

ETA: as for the physical requirement you need to be able to lift (at least) fifty pounds and i was able to build that muscle pretty much before the T kicked in, and i was 5′4″ and maybe 115lb. women can absolutely get fit enough to keep up with men in blue collar jobs, don’t let anyone tell you that’ll be a problem.

[dwellordream]

“...In early portraits Livia sports the nodus hairstyle, in which the hair rolls forward over the forehead and is then drawn back to form a distinctive topknot. This style was seen by Ovid as a useful corrective to a very round face. Generally in the heads of this group the face is a regular oval with broad cheekbones. The eyes are large and the brow above them arches slightly. The nose is large and aquiline, while the curving mouth and the chin are very small. The portraits project an image well suited to Livia—one of ageless and elegant beauty, calm and dignified, perhaps strangely emotionless.

The severity of the nodus style would be less appealing with age. Thus the hair in portraits of the Tiberian period generally has a centre parting, and falls from either side in waves. The head is still relatively youthful, given that Livia must have been now in her seventies, a tradition maintained by modern aging monarchs, whose images on stamps and coins tend to be frozen for several decades. It could be argued that the elusive issue of Livia’s appearance is irrelevant in a political biography. But it has some historical importance. The sources suggest that Augustus was drawn to Livia initially by basic sexual attraction. Some knowledge of her physical appearance would help us place that claim in a proper context. 

Whatever attributes Livia was granted by Nature she could enhance by Art. When it came to dress, Ovid attributes to Livia a surprisingly progressive attitude, that she was simply too busy to spend a lot of time on her appearance. The assertion has to be seen against the background of a large household and an enormous staff, whose task it would have been to pay attention to those details deemed unworthy of their mistress’s time and effort. The evidence for the wide range of functionaries operating within the household of Livia is dealt with in chapter 9.

At this point we can limit ourselves to noting the surprising number of helpers devoted to Livia’s personal appearance. Inevitably there were several ornatrices (dressers), as well as staff a veste/ad vestem, whose task it was to keep her clothes in good order. In addition, the ab ornamentis would have had responsibility for her ceremonial garments and accessories, along with a specialist who looked after those she wore as priestess of Augustus, a freedman ab ornamentis sacerdotalibus. Her calciator made her shoes. Augustus liked to boast that his clothes were made by his wife and sister. Perhaps, but they would have had help. Livia employed both lanipendi (wool weighers) and sarcinatores / sarcinatrices (sewing men / women). For her comfort she had an unctrix (masseuse). 

Perhaps most striking are the skilled craftsmen who would have been employed for the manufacture and maintenance of luxury items. Her aurifex (goldsmith) and inaurator (gilder) might have been occupied mainly with furniture, but the margaritarius (pearl setter) sounds like someone who would have been employed to work on her personal jewellery. Elizabeth Bartman has noted the absence of jewellery from the sculpted images of Livia, which she describes as ‘‘bordering on the ascetic.’’ This, of course, may have been a deliberate fabrication of Livia’s image in the sculptural prototypes that she allowed to be distributed. There was a tradition of Roman women making a sacrifice of luxury items for the good of the state, such as the women who donated their jewellery to help fund the war against Veii in the early republic. 

But it may be that Livia aimed for understated elegance, to be simplex munditiis, as Horace expressed the concept in his famous poem. This could explain why Augustus aroused amused disbelief among the senators when he held up Livia as an example of womanhood and, when pressed to explain, cited as evidence her appearance and dress and her exodoi (her public forays) as illustrations of moderation to be emulated. Augustus had the evidence of his own eyes, and he admired her for avoiding extravagance. But the senators perhaps may have seen a kind of elegant moderatio, the appearance of simplicity that only the best dressmakers, coiffeurs, and jewellers can produce, using the finest and most expensive material. 

Livia’s energies would have been channelled mainly into her role as wife of Augustus and as mother of Tiberius. We know little of her private interests, or of how she tried to relax. Only one scrap of evidence survives for anything remotely approaching frivolity. She seems to have competed inanely with Julia, the granddaughter of Augustus, over the record for owning the smallest dwarf. This was settled honourably, as Julia owned the smallest male, at two feet, one palm (about sixty-seven centimetres), but Livia could boast the smallest female dwarf, Andromeda, height not recorded. We might also detect perhaps a hint of a certain silliness when she was a young woman.

The story of her trying to foretell her child’s sex by means of a hen’s egg is noted in chapter 1. After Tiberius’ birth she seems to have consulted an astrologer (mathematicus), Scribonius. He was able to forecast that her son would govern, but without the trappings of monarchical rule, an especially impressive performance, because he anticipated this before the principate had been established and before Livia had even met Augustus. But this kind of behaviour should be viewed in the context of its age, and Livia was probably no more unsophisticated in such matters than the great mass of her contemporaries. 

Otherwise her interests are likely to have been more serious, and she seems to have been a literate and educated woman. At any rate, in one of his letters to her Augustus quotes frequently and extensively in Greek, presumably on the assumption that she would understand him. She did of course spend some time in the Greek world during the period of her first husband’s exile, but she would at that time have moved mainly in a Latin-speaking milieu. It is more than likely that she learned the language through formal tuition. Given her family background, we can assume that Livia would have been well educated as a child. Roman girls shared domestic tutors with their brothers before their marriage. There are many examples of the happy result of this practice. Pliny the Younger was flattered to find his young wife reading and memorizing his works, and setting his verses to music. Cornelia, the wife of Pompey, was educated in literature, music, and geometry, and enjoyed attending philosophical discussions. 

The existence of the highly educated woman, at least at a slightly later date, is confirmed by the caustic observations of the atrabilious Juvenal, who proclaims horror at females who speak with authority on literature, discuss ethical issues, quote lines of verse the rest of humanity has not even heard of, and even correct your mistakes of grammar. Apart from Livia’s knowledge of Greek, however, we have no concrete evidence of her intellectual pursuits, in contrast to her great-granddaughter Agrippina, whose memoirs survived and were read by Tacitus. But we do have some testimony about Livia’s intellectual sophistication. Philo was a contemporary and, though a resident of Alexandria, very familiar with Rome and the imperial house. 

For example, he met Caligula in person when he headed a delegation to Rome to represent the case of the Jews of his native town. In a speech that he attributes to Caligula’s Jewish friend Herod Agrippa, he has Agrippa cite the precedent of Livia, whom he represents as a woman of great mental ability and untypical of her sex, for he contended that women were generally incapable of grasping mental concepts (whether this is Agrippa’s or Philo’s prejudice is not made clear). Agrippa supposedly attributed Livia’s superiority in this sphere to her natural talents and to her education (paideia). Livia was well disposed to the Jews and generous to the Temple, and we might expect some gilding of the lily. But Philo’s characterization of her could clearly not have been absurdly wide of the mark, or the arguments attributed to Agrippa would have been discredited. 

The Corinthian poet Honestus describes Livia as fit company for the muses, a woman who saved the world by her wisdom. The inflated language traditional in such a dedicatory piece, however, means that it has little historical value. Apart from the uncertain case of Honestus, we have no other case of Livia’s supporting any cultural or intellectual endeavour, although she was an active patron in many other areas. In this sphere she was eclipsed by Augustus’ sister Octavia, who was a sponsor of the architect Vitruvius and to whom the Stoic philosopher Athenodorus of Tarsus dedicated a book of his work. Although Livia’s interest in fostering artistic and cultural undertakings might have been limited, there was one field in which her enthusiasm seems to have been boundless: the issue of healthy living, both physical and psychological. Despite her general reserve in most other matters, she seems to have been willing, even eager, to impart her views on the issue of how to live a long and robust life. 

She was ahead of her time in her use of what would now be called a grief counsellor. When her son Drusus died in 9 bc, she was devastated. That she managed to handle the situation with dignity was due to no small extent to the counselling given her by the philosopher Areus (or Areius) Didymus of Alexandria. Areus was basically a Stoic but kept an open mind to other schools and ideas, the kind of eclectic pragmatist that the Romans found appealing. He was clearly a man of great charm, and at the time of Actium, Octavian described him as his mentor and companion. Octavian reputedly spared all the Alexandrians after the battle and stated publicly that he did so because of the fame of Alexander the Great, the beauty of the city, and his regard for one of its citizens, Areus. In the event Alexandria did not emerge totally unscathed, for Octavian followed up his generous gesture by visiting the corpse of Alexander, where he behaved like the worst kind of bad tourist, touching the nose and breaking it off.

According to Seneca’s account, to which the author undoubtedly added his own imaginative touches, Areus, in giving his advice to Livia, described himself as an assiduus comes (constant companion) of her husband and claimed to know not only their public pronouncements but also the secretiores animorum vestrorum motus (the deeper emotions of the two of you). He clearly knew his patient well, and in the event proved a highly effective consultant. He gently observed that Livia had been in the habit of repressing her feelings and of being constantly on guard in public. He encouraged her to open up when dealing with the subject of Drusus, to speak to her friends about the death of her son, and to listen to others when they praised him. She should also dwell on the positive side of things, particularly the happiness that he brought her when he was still alive. The advice may have the shallow ring of the popular psychology handed out in the modern media, but it worked. 

Seneca observed how well Livia coped with her loss by following this advice, in contrast to the morbidly obsessive Octavia, sister of Augustus, who never ceased to be preoccupied with thoughts of her dead son Marcellus. Livia lived a long and, by her own description, healthy life, with only one serious illness recorded, when she was already eighty. Her formula for her robust constitution seems to have been proper diet and the use of ‘‘natural’’ remedies. She clearly had the irritating habit of healthy people who insist on inflicting on others their philosophy of wholesome living. For history this has proved fortunate, because some of her dietary recommendations are recorded. In her early eighties she anticipated a trend that was to reemerge almost two thousand years later, attributing her vigorous condition to her daily tipple. She drank exclusively the wine of Pucinum. This was a very select vintage, grown on a stony hill in the Gulf of Trieste, not far from the source of the Timavo, where the sea breezes ripen enough grapes to fill a few amphorae. Pliny confirms its medicinal value, which he suspects might long have been recognised, even by the Greeks.

It need not be thought that in following this regimen Livia had simply invented a formula for healthy living. In fact, she was echoing a nostrum that had become very trendy in her youth, and in doing so marked herself as an acolyte of one of the master-gurus of health-faddists, Asclepiades of Prousias. According to tradition, Asclepiades started as a poor professor of rhetoric before turning to medicine. During his career he acquired considerable fame (Pliny speaks of his summa fama) and provoked the animosity of other medical writers—he was still being attacked by Galen almost three hundred years after his death. The anger of his fellow healers is not hard to explain, because he turned ancient medicine on its head by distancing himself from dangerous pharmacological and surgical procedures, even describing traditional medicine as a ‘‘preparation for death.’’ Instead, he placed emphasis on more humane and agreeable treatments—diet, passive exercise, massages, bathing, even rocking beds. Pliny felt that he mainly used guesswork but was successful because he had a smooth patter. 

How effective he was cannot be gauged now. He is said to have recovered a ‘‘corpse’’ from a funeral procession and then to have successfully treated it. But famous doctors in antiquity routinely restored the dead to life. Perhaps more impressive, and more alarming to the medical profession, was Asclepiades’ pledge that by following his own prescriptions he could guarantee that he would never be ill, and that if he lapsed, he would retire from medicine. He was apparently never put to the test, and eventually died by accident, falling from a ladder. It is not hard to believe that Asclepiades might have exercised an influence on Livia, especially in that Pliny remarks that he almost brought the whole human race round to his point of view, and Elizabeth Rawson argues that a case can be made that he was the most influential Greek thinker at work in Rome in the first century bc. Pliny notes a dilemma that has a strangely contemporary ring—whether wine is more harmful or helpful to the health. 

As the champion of the latter belief Pliny cites Asclepiades, who wrote a book on wine’s benefits, based to some extent on the teaching of Cleophantus. Asclepiades received a familiar nickname oinodotes (wine giver), although to avoid being cast as someone who encouraged inebriation, he did advocate abstinence under certain circumstances. As Pliny words it, Asclepiades stated that the benefits of wine were not surpassed by the power of the gods, and the historian, like Livia, seems to have been won over, conceding that wine drunk in moderation benefitted the sinews and stomach, and made one happy, and could even be usefully applied to sores. Livia might have become acquainted with Asclepiades’ teaching while he was still alive (it is uncertain when he died), but in any case Pliny makes it clear that after his death his ideas took a firm hold on the population, and would still have been in circulation for many years after he made his ultimate precipitous descent from the ladder.

Apart from her views on the benefits of fine wines, Livia was known for other health tips. Pliny adds his personal recommendation for one of her fads, a daily dose of inula (elecampane). The elecampane, with its broad yellow petals, is a common plant throughout Europe, and its root has long been a popular medicine. Because it is bitter and can cause stomach upset if eaten alone, it is usually ground up, or marinated in vinegar and water, then mixed with fruit or honey. It was supposedly useful for weak digestion. Horace describes its popularity among gluttons, who could overdo safely by using elecampane afterwards. Then, as now, celebrity endorsements helped; Pliny observes that the use of the plant was given a considerable boost by Livia’s recommendation. In some modern quarters it is still promoted as an effective tonic and laxative.

…These curiosities do provide a possible context for one of the charges levelled against Livia, which the scholarly world generally agrees was groundless: that of using poison to remove those who blocked her ambitions. The accusation is one that powerful women in competitive political situations throughout antiquity and the middle ages found difficult to refute, because poison has traditionally been considered the woman’s weapon of choice. Because women took the primary responsibility for family well-being, they would have been the inevitable targets of suspicion if a person died of something brought on by gastric problems. If Livia had insisted on inflicting her home cures on members of her family, it is not difficult to imagine that a malign reputation could have arisen after a death that was advantageous to her. One also should not discount the possibility that the combination of birthwort and ash of swallows did more harm than good, and that she might indeed have helped despatch some of her patients, despite the very best of intentions. 

Allied to Livia’s preoccupation with herbal remedies is her passionate interest and regular involvement in various aspects of horticulture. The most vivid illustration of this comes from her villa at Primaporta . The highlight of the complex is the garden room, built and decorated around 20 bc in the form of a partially subterranean chamber nearly 12 metres long by 6 metres wide, perhaps a dining room intended for summer use. The most impressive feature of the room is the magnificent wall painting, unparalleled for its scale and detail. It creates an illusion of a pavilion within a magical garden, teeming with flowers and birds. Unusually for the Pompeian Second Style of painting, all structural supports have been dispensed with, even at the angles, although along the tops of the walls there is a rocky fringe, which conveys the impression of the mouth of a grotto. In the foreground stands a wicker fence. Behind that is a narrow grassy walk, set with small plants, bordered on its inner side by a low stone parapet. A small recess is set in the wall at intervals to accommodate a bush or tree. 

Behind it stands a rich tangled forest of carefully painted shrubs and trees, with various types of laurel predominating. The rich mass of foliage is framed at the top by a narrow band of sky. The painting is detailed and accurate, with flowers and fruit and birds perched on the branches or on the ground. The birds, of many species, range freely, with the exception of a single caged nightingale. Flowers and fruit of all seasons are mingled together. This rich extravaganza belonged clearly to an owner who exulted in the richness and variety of nature. But Livia’s horticultural interests went beyond a mere feast for the eye—she had a direct and practical interest in produce. She developed a distinctive type of fig that bore her name, the Liviana, mentioned by agricultural writers and recommended by Columella and Athenaeus, and which may have contributed to the tradition that she eliminated Augustus by specially treated figs grown in their villa at Nola.“

- Anthony A. Barrett, “The Private Livia.” in Livia: First Lady of Imperial Rome

[mooshs-crack-headcanons]

Hello could I have sfw letters cjm for dante & lady pls? 🙏🙏🙏💞

I'm always happy to write for Lady 👉👈 I hope this came out okay!

Lady

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Lady hates it when you're sad and is willing to do anything to make you smile again. Expect to be fully pampered, just name it and she'll go out of her way to get it for you whether it be new clothes or going out for dinner at a fancy restaurant with her success at her job money isn't exactly an issue but if she does need some extra cash she can always send the bill where she needs it (RIP Dante's wallet) But if going out to make you feel better doesn't help or is just not your thing, Lady of course doesn't mind just spending time together cuddled up in bed or on the couch in your pajamas at three in the afternoon listening to you vent about what's troubling you either. Lady gives the best cuddles and her chest is quite the nice pillow to test your head on as she plays with your hair. 

But if this is a panic attack you're having, Lady's attitude shifts. She knows from many dark troubling years what they're like and she knows how scary they can be so when she sees you tucked away in the furthest corner of your apartment just sobbing your heart out and barely able to breathe. In her experience, she finds that being alone during these times to be the worse (one of the many reasons why she's grateful for Dante when they were younger) but she knows everyone deals with these types of things differently but she would prefer to stay with you during it, whether just holding you in her arms as your sobs and sniffles soak her shirt or talking you through it reminding you how much you're worth to her and counting each deep breath you take with you to try and calm you down. After these moments you usually fall asleep in her arms and this is the time Lady takes to reflect that you're very strong especially with the tough lives both of you have lived to make the two of you find one another and despite the hardships and everything else, she's really glad to have you. 

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Lady, even though you will never hear her admit it, gets jealous quite easily. Is it mostly because of her childhood trauma and trust issues? Yes, yes it is (thanks Arkham, you blobby piece of shit) Don't get me wrong, she trusts you with every fiber of her soul and she knows that you do to and would never do anything like that, and she also trusts everyone in the crew and that they know of your relationship and respect it enough to never try anything like that with you (no one likes when Lady's pissed after all, way too many bullet holes to fix) However there's still the issue with people she doesn't know, you are very attractive after all and she knows there's some women and men out there that will push their luck when it comes to flirting with you even if after you shoot down their interest several times.

If you're able to pick up on when a stranger's hitting on you, whether it be a client or a random patron at the bar you and Lady frequent, then Lady's reaction will be mostly directed at the person in question (she'll get extra pissy if the person hitting on you is another woman) she'll sit next to you and ask the person what sort of interesting conversation they were having with her s/o not to be able to butt out when you told them you were seeing someone three times already. If looks could kill they would immediately be out of existence at the moment, without surprise it's not very long for them to leave after that. However if you're very oblivious or you just don't catch on that a person is hitting on you, expect a very cold reaction from her. She doesn't interfere, once she sits and watches the two of you for a while and sees that you're not doing anything, she'll just leave whatever place the two of you are at and go home. Expect the silent treatment for days, she'll just ignore your whole existence and carry on with her day, not even spending the time to glare at you, she'll expect for you to figure out what you did on your own and she'll wait for an apology. Because she really loves and trusts you, your apology doesn't have to be all big just enough for her to feel reassured by your feelings but that's not to say if the apology did have some expense to it, she wouldn't exactly complain. 

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Lady for the longest time wanted to get married once she felt the world didn't need her demon slaying skills, she just wanted to be able to settle down in a peaceful world after all and especially with you. After the events of 5, she does feel like the world is a little bit better and with Dante and Vergil's vacation in hell to chill out the eldest brother, safely she can feel assured that he won't be causing trouble for a while. 

It was after a job with Trish when the thought first came in her head. The blonde she devil had made some sort of comment on a ring when they'd pasted an old jewelry store. It was a golden ring that definitely caught the walking arsenal's eyes, the golden band littered with small diamonds and the smallest of pearls in the dead center reminded her a lot of her mother's ring that she would play with when she was younger. That being said it definitely spoke to something deep down within her. On the way back to your apartment, the thought of the ring wouldn't leave her head. It wasn't like she didn't have the money for it, but she just didn't have a reason just to go out and buy it, besides she'd after to take it off too frequently with the pace she gets jobs (rings and guns don't exactly mix well in the heat of a hunt) maybe she could give it to you? Although the ring is clearly an engagement ring, how exactly would you react to that? Would you even like it? What if...the two of you did get married? And the ring reminds her so much if her mother's it's really...comforting with the thought of seeing it on your hand. For the next few months her thoughts that she was stuck with in her mind in the early hours of the morning quickly transitioned from the ring itself to marrying you. Sure the two of you joked about bickering like an old married couple but, did you want to ever get married?

The two of you had been together for quite some time, maybe it was about time to take the next step. Lady is a classy woman, so she'll make sure that it happens over a nice fancy dinner at one of the first restaurants that the two of you went on your first dates on. No matter how many times you ask what the occasion is for, she'll just brush it away but saying it's just a little splurge just because of how well the last job the two of you went on was. Conversation topics will hop around all over the place but all come back to something relating to key moments in your relationship, and before long does Lady look deeper and get lost into the adoration in your eyes and the gentle smile on your lips does she even forget about the ring in the small little white box in her pocket and without a second thought, does she ask that important question. 

Marriage with Lady I'd say would still be the same as in dating Lady, the main difference being that she takes a little bit more time off from jobs to come home and do more 'domestic' things with you such as cooking together, lazy cuddles on the couch together, bunches of kisses in the shower together, and maybe if you convince her hard enough she might let you even get a dog. After your married and Lady looks at you wearing that ring that reminds her so much of her mother's; does she smile to herself. She knows if her mother was still around she would've loved you and just another thing her father took from her. Lady loves you and she's promised deep down to herself that's your marriage is going to be nothing like her parents, everyday until the very she's going to prove her love to you and feel herself get lost in your smile all the same.

Dante 

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

This is Dante we're talking about, I'd say he'd be the absolute best at comforting. With all of his fucked up mental trauma he's dealt with almost his entire life, he has quite the few strategies to calm himself down so he definitely knows how to care for other people dealing with shit also. It all depends on whatever works best for you. Want to sob and cry it all out? He's there to be the shoulder you cry on. Need a burst of energy to get all of the pent up rage out of your system? He'll gladly call up Morrison to find some sort of job to go on so you can slap the shit around some demons. Need to open up about whatever's plaguing your mind? He'll sit with you and listen to you speak for however long you need. Just need to punch something? He's taken quite the damage over the years so I'd say he can definitely take a few hits with no problem. You need just to be left alone for a few hours? He'll still be concerned, but he'll let you be, but sneak a pizza box underneath your door just to be safe. 

Dante, like Lady, definitely has experience in the field (and as previously mentioned he also helped her out with them when they were younger) He'll never leave your side once through it, if you're comfortable he'll hold you through it and won't say a word, just gently tap a calm gentle beat on your arm as gentle reminders to breathe. Once you're able to talk will he begin to quietly rock you back and forth as hum in your ear. Humming always tends to relax him during his darkest moments, so he hopes the calming sound of his voice will distract you from any harmful thoughts you may have. Once it's finally over, always without fail the very first words that he'll say to you (probably the first for hours) is that he loves you and how much you mean the world to him. 

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Dante is most definitely not the jealous type. He trusts you and he's confident that your relationship is so steady that he doesn't need to worry about anything. He just doesn't find any reason to be jealous about the people (the crew and strangers alike) around you. But that doesn't mean that he won't fucking gloat you around, it lights his fucking ego after all. He loves having you sit on his lap as either clients are in the shop about future jobs or the rest of the crew is hanging about, he just loves that sense of pride he gets in his chest just showing you around and it helps clear up if anyone were to get the wrong idea that you were single so kills two birds with one stone! 

Dante may not be the jealous type, but he's definitely not the man to just sit around if he sees you uncomfortable. He knows how fucking hard it is when people just can't take a fucking hint so it boils his blood when he sees someone hitting on you after multiple times you've rejected him to the point where you're clearly visibly uncomfortable. Now Dante's perfectly chill when he slides on over, but knowing him for years your instantly able to tell that something's definitely off with how he's speaks and just...the aura around him in general, he instantly wraps his arm around your shoulder as he stares the person in the eyes and asks what's up in with the most chill exaggerated "cool guy" his persona could come up with but the cold glare in his eyes doesn't seem to match that same attitude, seriously if the youngest son of Sparda was pissed enough things would turn dark very fast. Let's just say it doesn't take long for any 'pests' to take the hint. 

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Marriage isn't exactly for him, he doesn't really see the point in it, the two of you love each other and that should all be what matters. Although if he knew that you were interested, his attitude would slightly shift he does want to do whatever makes you the happiest after all so maybe he'll keep it in mind. 

He has few memories of his parents together but what he remembers the most is that they were the most loving couple in the whole world, through all the hardships and all of the struggle neither of them dropped their smile or the loving sparkle in each other's eyes when they would look at each other. Dante views marriage as a pointless way to get the government involved with people's love lives, but now that he knows you're interested in getting hitched one day over a conversation about Nero and Kyrie potentially tying the knot, he starts to fond over the idea of just having what his parents had with you. Now Dante is...really fucking broke so he can't get you anything fancy but he does take up really hard jobs whenever he can from Lady and Morrison to save up enough to at least buy you something (also note once Vergil found out what his brother was doing he - threatening to slice down anyone who brings it up - pitches in by taking in some extra jobs as well) Once he's able to get enough money to buy a decent ring he gets Trish and Lady to go with him to the downtown jewelry store pick out one you might like. After having many, many, flashy eye sores of suggested rings to be immediately shot down by Lady and Trish, is when he finally finds the one. The next few days Dante is happy and chipper with the ring in his pocket even going out on jobs he'll look at the small red velvet box and buzz around all the ideas on how exactly he's going to propose to you. Speaking of which now this is Dante we're talking about here so of course his ideas are wacky and crazily romantic but however with being in so much debt and already borrowing so much from Lady and Trish what he finally goes with is pretty small but..very special. 

It's on one random night after having the normal pizza and strawberry sundaes dinner at Fredi's, the two of you hand in hand walking back home to the shop talking and joking about whatever comes to mind. The two of you eventually walked past the park, where the statue of Sparda still stood tall as ever. Everytime Dante came to this park it would catch his eye. You had stopped to talk to him about something, but he just couldn't exactly hear what his eyes fell upon the figure of his father and his hand fell into his pocket to feel at the box. You really did mean the world to him, but what if you don't even like the ring? What if you changed your mind about getting married? What if something happens and he can't be there to protect you and you end up like - your hand to his cheek is what brings him out of his darkening thoughts. You ask him if he's okay, your eyes both soft and concerned as they can be that he finds himself lost in them. With your voice he feels comforted. With your gaze he feels loved. Feeling the edges on his heart slip away does he pull the small box out of his pocket, and with fluid movements does he ask you to make him the happiest man in the world. 

As the same with Lady, marriage with Dante is just the same as you were dating him. Though being married to you makes him a whole lot happier than he was before, going out of his way to even talk more about you when he's on jobs with the rest of the crew and everything (which mostly gets a nod and patiently listen reaction out of them as they're pleased to see him this happy) He might've originally thought that marriage would not be something for him but now he's damn sure that it's something he can't be without, after forty something years he finally understands what his parents felt.

If you like what you read please consider reblogging! It means the world for writers and artists!

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.