#and makes me think ''oh shit now I HAVE to do task bc friend is keeping me accountable '' yknow?

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.

[cyberpunkboytoy]

Heya, I need to get some shit done so I'm trying out positive reinforcement. I saw these OC friend group questions and decided they are my reward: for every task I get done, I get to answer a prompt (and I'll be adding a doodle to each one)✌

These four all end up as a friend group midway through Terminal Status, and have some pretty fun dynamics between them. Please let me ramble about my OCs by sending me asks with prompt numbers.

[phagodyke]

friends are making plans to go stay with each other but it's the weekend I'm going to see my favourite band. the universe fucking hates me

[satoruxx]

pairing: gojo satoru x reader summary: bestfriend!satoru has returned, fluff, pining, slightly angsty bc of pining, simp satoru hehe, oblivious reader is back again, satoru loves you !! rheya's note: continuation to this drabble bc bestfriend!satoru is everything to me !!

bestfriend!satoru who insists that you have him on speed dial because "he's the most important person in your life" but really it just satisfies him to know that he's the first one you'd call if you needed anything.

bestfriend!satoru who started off being a bit of an ass when you first met. not because he was trying to be but because he's got an ego and doesn't know how to control it, until you call him out for his shit and it sends his heartbeat all out of wack.

bestfriend!satoru who doesn't trust anyone else around you. it's not out of concern or anything, oh no. but in his expert opinion only him and the people he trusts (like suguru, shoko, or nanami) should ever get within six feet of you.

bestfriend!satoru who waits outside every class for you, leaning against the wall with a bag of your favorite snacks in his hand, glasses perched low on his nose. the smile that crawls onto his face as you walk out of the classroom and join him is practically blinding.

bestfriend!satoru who grows older thinking of nothing but you. the person most important to him, the person he would move galaxies for. and no, it's not romantic or anything. he's just your best friend.

bestfriend!satoru who realizes that he's not the only one in the world who knows that you're attractive, and has to clench his fists with a scowl as he sees other men noticing you. then he has to stop and check himself because, why on earth is he mad about it?

bestfriend!satoru who starts openly staring at you because he can't even control it anymore, eyes soft and overflowing affection as he watches you indulge in silly mundane tasks. and when you turn and catch him looking all he can do is give you a dreamy little smile. he's got no excuses but he's gonna play it off like it's something you shouldn't worry about anyway.

bestfriend!satoru who makes you his number one priority, who doesn't care about anyone else when you're in front of him. and even if you aren't around, he can't bring himself to look at anyone else. if someone comes up to him on the street, mumbling something about how he's their type and they'd like his contact info, all he does is give them a breezy wave, saying "sorry. i got someone waiting for me."

bestfriend!satoru who, when you're trying to explain something and someone speaks over you, gives you a resolute "no i'm listening." and doesn't take his eyes away from you until you've said all that you needed to. don't ever think that nobody is listening to you because you always have his attention.

bestfriend!satoru who grits his teeth as you tell him about another unsuccessful date with a man who didn't even know how to treat you right. and how could they, when they don't even know how you like your coffee or what side of the bed you prefer to sleep on? they don't know what your favorite movie snack is or about your obsession with plants or your most precious pair of fluffy socks. not the way he does.

bestfriend!satoru who has to hold himself back during your ranting, who has to keep himself from just letting go and spilling that you weren't going to find someone who loved you more than he did. to stop himself from leaning down and kissing you so hard it takes your breath away, because he's wanted to do it since he was sixteen. he was just too stupid to understand it back then.

bestfriend!satoru who chooses to wait instead, knowing that he'll be stuck with these feelings for the rest of his life, so he'd rather wait for you. because he'd hate himself if he made you uncomfortable, and if he lost the relationship he had with you now over his silly little heart. no instead, he'll keep proving himself, staying by your side and showing you even just of fraction of the devotion he knows he has for you, if it means that you'll be by his side. and hoping that one day, maybe, you'd tell him you feel the same.

[drewsnr1slut]

Truth or dare

Summary: you’re at a party at one of your friends house and all the girls decide to play truth or dare

Tw: drinking, teasing, end might be considered as smutty?

You already played a few rounds but only picked truth when you were asked. Since the last time you got asked, you had a few drinks wich made you loosened up so the next time you got picked you knew exactly that you were going to pick dare. After your best friend finishes her task she picks you "so y/n, I dare you to…uhm…" she thinks for a few seconds before her face lights up, indicating that she has a good idea "I dare you to tease rafe" "easy, do that all the time" without even thinking about it twice I walk over to the the bar grabbing a drink and starting to look at my phone to make it look more credible. As i act like I walk back to the girls I look at my phone and *accidentally* drop it on the floor next to his seat. As i bend down to get it I touch his lap at the spot right before his crotch starts earning a little whimper from him, I smile to myself bc my plan obviously worked out. I walk back to my girls paying extra attention on how my hips swayed to make him as hard as possible. A while after I go to the toilet to pee, after all I did have a few drinks and my bladder was full, so after I peed, touched up my make up a little bit and washed my hands I went straight out the door, at least that’s what my intentions were but I was quickly stopped by a male frame, not just any, Rafe’s frame. "Finally" "finally what?" "Finally you’re done, now you gotta help me out" he points to his boner "uhm" "oh so first you tease the shit out of me and now you’re all flustered and shy?" "Maybe" "just get in, I know you want it too" he says grabbing your wrist and pulling you into the bathroom.

[xotication]

can u do gamer!kaneki and reader doing a stream where it’s just them goofing off and doing random stuff? like reader does his makeup on stream, smash or pass w anime characters, etc. ofc if you’d like !! thank u ♡

of course! sorry this took so long :(

☆,

as you know, kaneki has been streaming for a while now. his viewers love him, but they also love you! he’s starting to think he can’t have one stream where they’re not begging him to bring you in.

eventually you become a reoccurring guest, no matter what is is you two are doing.

his viewers eventually give you guys ideas of some silly things to do.

like one time you guys had to remake peoples instagram stories. you guys would just scroll thru your mutuals stories & randomly click on one.

it left you guys posting some corny couple photos, random fit checks, your attempts at some of the fancy dinners they were eating, or even random videos between them & their friends.

another time, the viewers begged & BEGGED the two of you to play smash or pass & it was the funniest thing ever.

“okok. uhm, smash or pass satoru gojo”

“smash.”

“smash.”

“hello??”

“what- i can’t smash gojo but you can?? he’s my glorious blue eyed king!”

“YOUR?! ken baby, he doesn’t even know who you ARE!”

“just shhh..”

“ok wtv. smash or pass eren jaeger”

“pass..”

“smash.”

“excuse me? didn’t he commit like every war crime.. ever?”

“ok & he was sexy while doing it all.”

“is that what i have to do for you..?”

“absolutely.”

“you were supposed to say no….”

“oh-”

this continued with a plethora of people & by the end of it, you guys were questioning each other so hard.

some of your guys’ other friends got wrapped into the content. one night you called up hide to test his loyalty.

“uhm- hey hide. is kaneki there with you? he said he’d be hanging out with you, but i haven’t heard from him in hours.”

hide literally requests to facetime you & walks you throughout his whole house to show no signs of kaneki. manz was playing NO games. & kaneki was so heartbroken.

“bro how’re you gonna expose me like that?!”

“bc if you’re cheating on your girl, i’m not gonna help you cover that shit up. be a man, moron”

“ok chill. i didn’t even cheat”

“yeah +10k aura for hide..”

“ok i’m hanging up wtf”

-

you ended up asking ken if you guys could do a cooking and/or baking stream. but without a recipe, he agrees & this makes for the most viral stream yet.

you have hide and ayato there to let you guys know how much time there is left, to referee the whole situation, & ofc to judge the food

you’re instructed to make pasta, FROM SCRATCH.

things start off well, but when you take a bathroom break, kaneki ends up sabotaging your dish.

he’s adding in a lil bit too much salt to your pasta sauce, & tasting it makes his whole face scrunch up.

when you come back, hide looks so guilty. like he had seen something he wasn’t supposed to see. which was of course, the underlying truth. all the while ayato was there, pokerfaced.

noticing this, you immediately assume ken is suspicious, “kaneki what’d you do.”

“what?? nothing.”

“hide is he lying.”

“i dunno”

“you were here the whole time?! ‘wdym i dunno’ you do know!”

“no i don’t?!”

you decide to let it go.

the whole process is chaotic, but fun. by the time it’s ready for judging, you & kaneki were both stressed out.

making noodles from SCRATCH without a recipe isn’t an easy task.

ken’s plate looked like mario & luigi threw it up, while yours looked like a penguin just regurgitated it to its baby.

you guys place the plates on the dinner table & you sit across from ayato & hide.

“alright chat. the foods done, looking rather.. interesting. i’m a little hesitant & scared to consume this but, we move”

“shall we?” ayato hands hide a fork & they both take a bite from ken’s dish first.

“uh- okay. i mean it’s definitely food. definitely a plate of food, i think” hide speaks first.

& ayato follows up with, “this is awful, ken”

kaneki gasps, almost as if hurt by the words, “okay then try y/n’s!”

& when they do, they’re pleasantly surprised. hide was expecting it to be salty as FUCK. but of course you peeped the chat saying how much salt ken had added. so you just added a shit ton of tomato sauce to even it all out. & it made for a yummy dish!

“this is decent! it’s not the greatest ever, but it’s also not the worst. definitely better than kaneki’s. the noodles are bit easier to chew & the sauce is almost normal”

“so did i win” you asked & ken looked so defeated in his seat..

“uhm. no you didn’t win. rightfully so, anyway.” ayato informs him & you jump for joy!

“you shouldn’t have tried to sabotage me, ken”

“how’d you even know?!”

-

lastly, one day you were super bored. you didn’t even plan on getting in stream with ken. you kinda just wanted to chill that day. but you chilled too hard. now you were literally doing nothing.

you put your phone down & wiped your eyes after scrolling through tiktok for what felt like hours.

“what to do, what to do” you said to yourself.

an idea clicks & you quickly jumped from your bed to make way to your closet.

you're putting on a cute dress & getting ready for, well, nothing at all. but it's all part of the plan. ken is so wrapped up in his gaming that he takes no notice of you at all. you're at your vanity pulling together the last pieces of your look.

even chat notices before your own boyfriend does, they're thinking ken has to leave soon because you guys are going somewhere but that's not at all the case.

you're stood by the bedroom door, all dolled up & pretty. "okay ken, i'm gonna go to target!" he looks back at you for a quick second & then back at his monitor.

"okay, see you later, love you!"

you walk out the room & ken is reading his chat. "target.. in that outfit?" "bro is not going to target" "bro didn't even see what his girl was wearing" "ken.. she said target, not the red carpet"

finally ken takes a second to picture what it was you were wearing again, & he gets up so fast he almost falls.

mans literally sprints out the room, out the house, & finds you sitting in your car. when you saw him, the last thing you had expected him to do was remove you from the car, & throw you over his shoulder but that's exactly what he does.

ken carries you all the way to the bedroom & throws you on the bed. stream STILL going btw.

"change."

is all he says before he's sat back in his chair, queuing into another game.

most of the girls in the chat are going crazy, rightfully so tbh.

ken looked back at you to see if you had listened, & when he saw you on the bed, still just laying there.. he wasted no time ending the stream.

he began to undress you himself. took off his own shirt, pulled it over your head, & then he took you to the bathroom to help wash your makeup off.

"going to target my fucken ass."

blehhhhhhh

[akihikoswifey]

☥🪓 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪ In This Darkness | Shinjiro Aragaki x Reader

summary: after 10/4 events Shinjiro is badly wounded, in which you have to look after him, but one thing leads to another.

cw: mentions of violence, blood and wounds, dry humping

a/n: i’ve been wanting to write smthn a lil angsty for him for soooo long but still kinda smutty (take that with a pinch of salt bc u hoes are getting edged) so here it is! Might make a part 2 :p

˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚♱ʚ♡ɞ♱˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚ ˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚♱ʚ♡ɞ♱˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚ ˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚♱ʚ♡ɞ♱˚ ༘ ⋆｡˚

Shinji winced as you laid him down on his bed gently, the green moonlight from the window illuminated his face whilst he was still covered in his own blood. There was no way that he would be able to sleep peacefully tonight with all the memories that were swirling around inside his head. You tried your best not to look at his wounds too much but they still haunted your thoughts. It had been almost two years now you’ve been friends, you noticed he was different, softer, more gentle with you. Although, Shinjiro subtly took care of everyone in the dorm, apart from himself which was something you had picked up on after spending so many hours together gardening or cooking. But now, he was laying beneath you bleeding.

“You just gonna keep starin’ at me or-“ He chuckled weakly before wincing again, “Sorry!” You quickly snapped out of thought, getting out some antiseptic for his wounds. “Do you mind?” You questioned, gesturing to his sweater. “Oh, right.” He muttered, as you began to help him remove his iconic turtleneck. His shirt unveiled his broad but toned shoulders, the rest of his torso perfectly sculpted with a small amount of muscle. He was a big guy, but in the best ways possible. Clearly, Tartarus had been doing him some good. You continued to carefully disinfect his wounds whilst he flinched slightly everytime you touched them. “Hey,” Shinji’s eyes looked up at you, a sense of vulnerability behind them. “Lie down, it’ll be easier on your body.” You could tell he wasn't used to being treated with care, and although it was comforting you didn't want to hurt him any more than necessary. “Okay…” He mumbled, not sounding fully convinced, while lying back against his pillow. You sat down by his side, careful not to press on his wound, and placed an arm on his chest, steadying yourself. The contact making your heart race. You tried to focus back on the original task at hand, and began cleaning up his injuries again. You were about to move your hand towards a particularly nasty cut on his stomach, when he grabbed it. The feeling of his cold hands made yours warm up. “No need, I can do it myself.” He shook his head, you let out a chuckle, knowing that he probably wouldn’t get very far without your help if he was even going to try. “You can’t keep tryna’ reject help Shinji,” Your voice became serious, “you’ve been through a lot of shit today. Just let someone take care of you.” He sighed softly, letting go of your hand. You moved your hand away and resumed tending to his injuries, relieved to see that his wounds weren't bleeding anymore, although they would still need to be checked over in the morning. “Thanks.” He said quietly. Your gaze met his, before darting away once more. “Anytime.” Your voice was quiet, hoping he would take that offer seriously. You were glad that he at least trusted you enough to somewhat let his guard down around you compared to how quickly he would reject Mitsuru or Akihiko.

“How are you feeling?” Your voice broke the silence, shifting slightly under the weight of his stare, “Could be worse.” He responded. “I cant believe those Strega assholes would go that far…”You remarked, he hummed in response, “Yeah.. They’re pretty fuckin’ evil, aren't they?” You smiled lightly, “Only the one that struts around with the revolver, seriously who does that guy think he is?” He rolled his eyes at you playfully. You turned your attention to his chest, “I'm surprised you aren't more worried about yourself…I mean you've been hurt a lot.” You commented, glancing up briefly to see if he was offended, but he didn't look upset at all. “It’s fine, I can handle myself just fine.” He assured you firmly, “It’s just a couple of wounds.” You stared into his eyes, trying to make sense of his dismissal, Shinjiro’s self-destructive habits had become more and more evident since he came back to the dorm.“Just a couple of wounds’ Shinji? You could have died!” He frowned at your words, “So what? It's not like I haven't taken worse hits before. You know I can easily protect myself.” Dismissing your concern again. “That doesn't make it okay! You could have gotten killed, do you not realise how reckless you sound!?” The tone you were using caught his attention again and he glanced up, his eyes narrowing slightly as he took in your expression. Before he could even say anything further you interrupted him, moving closer to him. “I don't care what you say, but the tough guy act isn’t gonna keep you alive much longer.” He huffed, not knowing how to respond to concern unless it was from Akihiko, unfortunately he couldn’t call you a muscle-fueled moron and go on with his day. You let out a soft sigh as the tension in the air became thick, awkward and strained. You weren't sure exactly what to make of this Shinjiro compared to the one from three years ago. You already knew that he was a rather stoic guy, but there was always this hidden pain within the steeliness of his personality. “Shinji,” You whispered, placing your hand on top of his, he flinched at your touch before relaxing slightly, “Promise me you’ll be careful. Please stop putting yourself in these situations where you might not come out alive.” He stared at you for another moment before speaking, the words coming slow and cautious. “I can’t promise anything.” He spoke, carefully releasing your hand, his eyes looked up sadly into yours, the guilt emanating off him strong. “But I'll try my hardest, for you and Aki.” You nodded, satisfied. “Thank you.” Shinji looked away once more, and you watched him intently, forgetting how close you was sitting next to him. The proximity was becoming unbearable. His bronze eyes met yours again, erupting butterflies in your stomach. A shiver ran down your spine, you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Words failed you. You wanted to kiss him, wanted to kiss his pain away. You wanted to hold him and comfort him until he fell asleep, wanting to feel him in your arms. But you couldn’t. Not now, maybe never. Perhaps that would be better. You wanted to leave, to leave now before the emotions you felt became too much for you. But he was too close, it wouldn’t work anyway.

“You alright?” His voice sounded confused, worried. You snapped out of your trance, realising that you had been staring at him for several seconds, completely transfixed. You pulled back slightly, clearing your throat as you did so. “Yup, sorry, I was just thinking.” You mumbled, forcing a smile onto your lips. “Thinking?” He asked, cocking his head to the side slightly. “Uh huh.” You replied, looking anywhere but at him. You could hear his breathing hitch, obviously he was struggling to contain his emotions at the moment. Shinji knew you weren’t telling him something. “About?” He pressed further with that smooth raspy voice of his, almost daring you to answer. You swallowed hard, “Nothing important,” you whispered, “Just…a lot happened today.” You admitted, trying not to let his eyes pierce straight through your soul. “Hey, I’m fine now.” He replied. “It really isn’t.” You muttered under your breath. He didn’t reply to your comment this time, instead opting to stare at you. Your eyes locked, as the both of you sat in silence. The air between you becoming thicker each passing minute. “I- We cant lose you Shinjiro” You finally breathed out, breaking the eye contact and focusing your gaze on the ground. He called your name, his voice was soft, gentle, almost tender. “I’m alive right now, and that’s all that matters” His voice was soft, barely above a whisper. Your heart melted at his words, resisting the urge to lean forward and brush your lips against his. Instead you remained silent, allowing his words to wash over you, as you both gazed into each others eyes, waiting for the other to break the tension. Neither of you willing to make the first move, neither able to look away.

A knock on the door suddenly interrupted the silence that had fallen upon the two of you. “Can I come in?” Akihiko shouted from outside, startling the pair of you. “Gimme’ a minute!” He shouted back. You shot a quick glance at him, before standing up. “I should probably go check up on the rest now…see how they’re doing.” You said as you turned around to begin making your way towards the door, only for his hand to grab your wrist gently, stopping you in your tracks. You turned back to look at him. “Wait.” He said, holding your wrist tightly in his hand. You furrowed your eyebrows at him in confusion. “Can you come back when Aki

leaves?” Shinji asked, his grip tightening ever so slightly. His tone of voice caused you to pause momentarily. “Yes, of course.” You replied after a few moments. He smiled faintly, “Good.” Your gaze wandered toward your hand, still grasped by his, and you began to pull it away slowly. He released you immediately, stepping away as well, averting his eyes from yours. “Thanks again, for helping me and….stuff.” He trailed off, smiling faintly. “No worries, Shinji.” You smiled, taking an extra second to soak in the sight of his handsome face in the green moonlight. You swiftly exited the room, quickly greeting Akihiko, “What was that about?” He questioned you with a raised brow, watching you closely. You shrugged sheepishly, “Nothing, just helped him with his wounds, that’s all...” Turning to continue walking. Akihiko gave you a concerned look, obviously sensing something else, “Is everything alright?” He pressed. “Yeah, yeah, I’m just tired, and stressed out, y’know.” You responded vaguely, practically feeling his piercing gaze burning holes into your head- but he seems to accept your answer anyway. “Thanks for looking out for him, seriously.”

“Of course, Shinji's not alone.” You smiled at him reassuringly, and finally left him alone with Shinjiro, deciding to return to your room to freshen up.

About a while had passed, the green moonlight returned to its original shade, the night breeze cooling your heated skin as you walked down the hallway creeping downstairs to boys floor. The conversation you had with Shinjiro earlier replayed in your mind. The thought of him want to seeing you again made your cheeks flush with heat. Said thoughts were quickly interrupted by ur phone chiming, ‘you coming or nah?’ a notification from Shinji lit up your screen. ‘i’m literally outside lol’ You typed back, a small smile gracing your lips. Approaching his door you lightly tapped on it making sure no one else in the dorm could hear before pushing the door open and stepping inside. “Hey,” You said quietly, closing the door behind you and making your way over to his bed. Shinji had taken off his beanie letting his brunette hair lay above his shoulders. He glanced down at you, a small smile appearing on his face as his eyes trailed over your figure. “Hey.”

“How are you feeling?” you asked, sitting down on his bed across from him, closer this time. His brown eyes bored into you, biting his pink lips slightly. “M' Fine, just need these wounds to heal.” You nodded, time heals all wounds after all. “So,” You shifted closer to him, “Why did you ask to me to come back here?” Asking out of pure curiosity- not desperation. “Because…” Shinji trailed off, a deep blush covering his face, his eyes looking anywhere but at you. “Cause?” You prompted. “I wanted to thank you…for what you did.” He managed to choke out. You stared back at him, a small smile crossing your lips. “Shinji..” You leaned forward, placing your hand gently on his cheek, leaning towards him so you could see his face better, shocked at how cold his cheek was. Your thumb running along the edge of his jawline as you leant in even closer. “I want to be here for you,” You whispered into his ear, his eyes darting nervously in between yours. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore.” You continued, brushing your lips against his cheek gently. His body tenseed under your touch, head snapping up to meet your gaze. “Don’t say things like that.” You could hear the strain in his voice, his eyes scanning your face carefully. “Why shouldn’t I?” Your voice was quiet, barely audible. “You don’t know what you’re getting into.” He breathed, leaning forward yet again, his lips mere inches away from yours. Practically feeling his breath tickling your face, causing goosebumps to form on your exposed arms. You felt yourself getting more and more nervous as his lips inched closer to yours. “Dont try shut me out” You urged softly, pressing your lips against his. Your hand reached for the back of his neck, tangling your fingers into his short locks of dark brown hair. You pulled away from his lips, pulling back to look into those eyes. “Shinji…” You whispered softly, tracing patterns on his cheekbones with your thumb. His eyes darted from your eyes to your lips repeatedly, clearly overwhelmed by the fact that you kissed him. “Tell me why you have to leave." Searching his eyes for an answer. "Its not fair.” You muttered, bringing your lips back to his, kissing im once again, letting out a content sigh as he wrapped his arm around your waist pulling you closer to him. His hair became tangled in your fingers, whilst you tugged slightly on the strands, eliciting a low groan from deep within his throat. He pulled you impossibly closer to him, his body pressing against yours completely. His hand soothed under your shirt, caressing your skin tenderly. Your legs moved to wrap around his hips, as one of his hands cupped your breast. You moaned into his mouth whilst grinded himself against you. Your eyes fluttered closed, lost in pleasure, as his cold hands continued to roam underneath your shirt, massaging your breasts. You arched your back against him, giving him better access to your sensitive flesh. Your fingers dug into his muscles, trying to cope with all the stimulation, but when you closed your eyes to relish the feeling of his strong embrace, you would remember the way the knife sliced through his soft skin. The way blood poured forth from the same flesh you was embracing.

You pulled back slightly from Shinji’s mouth, gasping for air, tears pricking at the corner of your eyes, meeting his gaze. Too much was going on in your head, too many emotions flooding your heart. What happened today, your reaction, the way his eyes gazed hungrily at you, every single event swirling around in your head, making you unable to comprehend anything that was happening around you right now. “You okay?” The sound of Shinjiro's low voice rumbled through your chest causing shivers to spread through your whole body. “Is this too much for you?” He asked tentatively, pulling his hand away from under your shirt, moving both his hands to cup your face gently. A sudden pang of guilt pierced your heart. This wasn't what you intended on doing. He shouldn't be doing this now, not when he’s in this state. Not after what has happened to him today. But you couldn't stop yourself from craving more. So you shook your head, your eyes pleading to reassure him. Shinji placed another soft kiss on your lips, holding eye contact with you the entire time. “Then don’t make me stop,” He spoke seductively against your lips, before kissing you again deeply, pulling you so close to him that you were almost laying on top of him. It was clear that he didn't want to stop either. His arms were tight around you as if he doesn’t want you to leave ever. You knew this was probably wrong, but god does it feel good. Everything about this moment felt right, and somehow it made you forget how much pain you both went throught that night.

[marigoldbaker]

“ngl i thought you were the weak one of this friend group but your whole life just went to complete shit around you and somehow you’re still acting the same so if you want to be weak you can be around me” au

This is not even au for Jaheira and Khalid this is just them lmao

THIS IS JUST THEM!!!! ended up writing it as literally just them bc it. It is just them.

It is not a walk-it-off sort of injury. Khalid’s arm is barely attached to his body. Their cleric is a good distance away, and the state of their party after this battle is dire enough that his injury simply is not highest-priority right now. Jaheira, who was paired with him for his first mission, who was therefore responsible for protecting him as he found his bearings, is trying very hard not to let guilt and shame take her over, because neither are constructive emotions, nor will they calm him when she removes his helmet.

He has not moved. He is slumped against a tree. She lifts the helmet to check his breathing, expecting to see the pain and fear of a green Harper realizing how truly serious their foes are, and instead he meets her eyes with gentle concern. Raises a hand to her face, which is hardly the sort of thing that—that is, they have not known each other for very long, and—

“You look,” he coughs, speckling her front with blood, “w-worried.”

Jaheira says, slightly hysterically, “Your arm is nearly severed.”

“Oh, that,” says Khalid dismissively. He pulls a face. “I’ll walk it off.”

“You’ll walk it off?”

“Got worse at home,” says Khalid, and smiles like he thinks this is funny. Jaheira is struck with the urge to beat him to death before realizing that this is possibly counterintuitive, and also possibly not at all what she wants, long-term. What she wants from him is less familiar and much more frightening. “Petra, she’s—taking care of Wyn. Yes?” When Jaheira tries to bring her healing magic to her fingertips, he says, gently reproving, “You’re, you’re out of magic. Wait.”

“I cannot.”

“Wait.”

How is he so calm? He is delicate, nervous, shy and unsure in absolutely all situations they have been in up until now. He defers to her and to other senior Harpers with a sort of quiet relief, as though the concept of taking charge himself is not something he is at all comfortable with. She has been preparing herself for the arduous task of either forcing him to toughen up or illuminating to him that this is not the life for him, and yet—yet even in those moments of contemplation, turning over strategies to reach him and make him realize the importance of bravery, all of her thoughtful theories felt hollow. There always felt like there was something she was missing. She thinks that she is seeing it now.

Khalid squeezes her shoulder with his good hand. He says, calmly, “I’m fine,” in the thin, thready voice of a dying man. How is he so calm?

Jaheira has known him for two weeks. The thought that flits through her mind is more terrifying than the blood soaking into the grass: I just found you. I cannot lose you now.

Petra sprints over, white-faced, healing potions clinking together in her bag. Jaheira allows herself to be pushed aside. She is thinking about the space in her own satchel that she usually reserves for her own complicated alchemical concoctions, and what it might do to instead save a healing potion or two for Khalid. Just in case. 

Petra straightens. Khalid is sitting up, both arms attached. Jaheira wants to throw herself at him, which is not an emotion she has ever experienced about another person before, and the fear holds her still. She curls her fingers around her satchel and waits, mouth drawn tight.

Khalid picks up his dented helmet from the ground, examining it ruefully. He looks back up at Jaheira and the corners of his mouth soften. “Saer,” he says. “I’m fine. No need to worry.”

Petra scoffs. “As if Jaheira’d worry over you!” she says, a laugh in her voice. “Or anyone! We know that face well enough, little Harper; that’s the face she makes when she’s too mad to even speak. You’d do well not to charge in ahead like that next time. She can take care of herself.”

Like a lightning strike, Jaheira realizes what she had not caught in the heat of battle: he had taken that blow for her. She can think of a thousand cutting reprimands that a senior Harper would bark in this moment, but a lost little girl from Tethyr, never once protected, can only shut her mouth and stare hungrily at him with a thousand things she will someday figure out how to say.

[runningfrom2am]

michigan cherry // part eight

summary: walking into a saloon in a nowhere town, billy meets a singer who he just can't get off his mind after she slips through his fingers; onto another town, another show- following nothing but the stars in her path. until he sees her again. another nowhere town and equally dusty saloon, but this time, the band of kids who made up her family is nowhere to be found. he's running away from something, and she is storming full speed toward something else, and tangling into each other's lives may just get both of them exactly where they want to be.

pairing: william h. bonney x fem!reader

wc: 2.3k

masterlists / nav / requests

tags/warnings: singer!reader (she’s giving very much lucy gray), probably a little bit ooc billy but hey i tried- anyway he’s a sweetheart, use of guns and violence, murder and violence but i try to keep it non-descript, oh also she’s an orphan sorry (once again, lucy gray vibes), strangers to friends to lovers trope eee. also not thoroughly proofread oops

the songs in this chapter are: "The Old Therebefore (Acapella)" by Rachel Zegler, and "Suneater" by Leanna Firestone !!

a/n: its been soo long ah! i'm sorry! i've been BOOKED (what's new) anyways hopefully i can sort my shit out bc i love this story sm. also i didn't edit this bc at least i wrote it yk.

my asks are also open to talk about this series! (i do have emoji anons open now too!)

send me any and all of your thoughts! here!

series masterlist // pinterest board // playlist

The chill from the sheer stress of staring down the barrel of a gun makes the transition back into the howling winds that much easier. Staring back at the barn with the doors now being forced closed from the inside, you let Billy drag you away, and you're not even meaning to make it difficult by nearly stumbling with every step. He seems empathetic to your cause, not letting it affect the process of trying to get you somewhere safe.

Options were limited, more so now than before. Part of him wants to break down the front door of the house your little brother occupies and shove you and your precious guitar under a bed and hope it's enough, but with the way the walls are rocking in the wind as it was with the twister still a ways off, surviving long enough to have to claw you out from under the debris of a collapsed house certainly sounds like a daunting task.

Okay, new plan. Away from the house. Far away.

Behind the house, there's a series of rolling hills that expand in nearly every direction. Billy doesn't know much about surviving a tornado, but if he could just get you far enough out into this open field, the odds of it passing by so close to cause any harm were slimmer, right? It's not like cyclones could track or follow body heat- as far as he knew anyway, but right now it sure felt like it did. It was probably still miles away, but he couldn't hear past the racing winds.

You don't even say anything. You can't, even has the house and it's barn where Harvey is hopefully safe and sound disappear quickly from your view; thanks to the gray cloak of rain soaking your show dress and the notebook in your hand.

There's a flash in the cool darkness that the late afternoon turned into, a bright light tinted almost blue that you don't process even happened until it was gone. It's the following bout of thunder that startles you after, jolting you closer to Billy's side.

On what must be gut instinct alone he drops your hand to throw his arm around your back, more so pushing you now rather than pulling.

There's no viable destination, surrounded only by long grass whipping in the wind in a similar way to your hair, and rolling hills.

That'll have to do, Billy thinks, pushing you as gently as he can down into the little valley and shouting over the wind with his hand firmly on your back. "Lay down!"

"Huh?!" You snap out of your daze, through the storm to look at him.

"Lay down!" He repeats himself, pulling you down onto the ground with him and you tumble into the wet grass. He lands on top of you, legs tangled together and weighed down by your guitar case on his back which you're damn sure just knocked him hard in the back of the head.

His elbows are braced on either side of your head, and for a moment you get a chance to breathe without being drowned by the heavy rainfall. Nose to nose, you could feel Billy's warm breaths on your face, and you can tell he's feeling as relieved as you are even though he's the one being poured on right now- his eyes closed tight and chest heaving against yours.

God have mercy.

You have to close your eyes again to try and keep it together. You were upset with him, you know you were- but the reason is a long lost mystery right now with him laying on top of you in a ditch, trying possibly in vain to protect you from this dreadful storm.

You don't know how long your eyes are pinched shut before you feel his cold hand on your face, pushing your wet hair away from where it was clinging to your skin. "Are you okay?" He asks, and you can certainly hear him being so close.

You nod, leaning your cheek into his palm as he rests it against your cheek, brows furrowed in concentration and worry as he strokes your face with his thumb. "Fine." You answer, finding it hard still to catch your breath.

Unsure what else to do, you wrap your arms around his waist and hold on while he keeps the wind out of your face.

"We just gotta wait it out." He huffs, lifting his head slightly to look around, but it's impossible to see a damn single thing.

Having him so close erases any fear of being sucked away and thrown off miles high by this tornado, and your heart is beating fast- indiscernable from adrenaline or just... him.

With your eyes squeezed shut again, he can't tell if you really are okay, if you're panicking, and the raindrops soaking your skin make it hard to tell if you're crying.

"You're headed for heaven, sweet old hereafter..."

You open your eyes again when you hear him singing one of your own songs, your eyes coloured thoroughly with misunderstanding. It doesn't last long when he keeps going, the low tones of his voice bringing in recognition and even the beginnings of a smile that makes him feel comfortable with his decision to try and cheer you up.

"And I've got one foot in the door..."

Billy nudges your cheek gently with his knuckle, the playful smile on his lips prompting you to join in.

"But before I can fly up, I've loose ends to tie up, right here in the old therebefore."

You sing along with him this time, and gradually, line by line, you're getting louder and smiling ear to ear. Somewhere along the line you'd lost him, but that had never mattered to you. He didn't know all the words but he knew enough.

"When I'm pure like a dove, when I've learned how to love-"

He cuts you off abruptly, and you're surrounded by an unreal warmth laying on the cold ground as he kisses you like his life depended on it. Like he had been waiting his entire life for this, and right now, he's sure he was. If he was swept away by this tornado in a matter of seconds his only regret would be that he didn't get to kiss you more.

Your lips are cold, cheeks wet as his skin slides over yours and you can feel him breathing you in, heart and soul in their entirety. You were terrified before of losing another good thing, even though you had known from the moment you laid your eyes on him that this is what you had wanted.

"For someone who sings like an angel," He murmurs into your lips, pulling away just enough to get the words out and you can feel the slight curve of a smile there to match your own, "You sure do taste sweet as sin."

You had spent another week rolling around the hills of Crystal City, holding onto each other as tight as you had during the storm that blew you back together in the first place. The outside world, as far as the two of you were concerned, ceased to exist after you helped with a few repairs here and there, steering clear of the Booker's and their home.

"So," Billy grins, arms snaking around your waist from behind in the chilly water, pulling you back and close to his chest. "You write that song about me, sunshine?"

You're nearly shivering, but your cheeks still heat up as you drop your head back against his shoulder. "What song?" You ask, trying to fight the smile on your face as you scrub the water over your bare arms in some attempt to get clean.

He nudges his nose into your temple. "Any of 'em."

"One or two." You admit. "But to get this straight, you're confessing to reading my journal?"

"My mistake, I thought it was public art I was appreciating." You can feel him smirk against the damp skin of your cheek.

"So public you waited until it was unattended to read it without asking, huh?"

He shrugs, thumbing the incredibly soft skin on either side of your stomach. "I needed to really... soak it in, y'know? That depth of beauty needs its solitude to be loved correctly." He mumbles into your hair. "Like you."

You roll your eyes, turning and slipping out of his grip only to splash him, your free hand coming up to cover your chest under the summer sun. It's a beautiful day, a perfect day, even. "I'll sing you a new one tomorrow." You tell him, but he's quickly distracted.

"Hey, none of that!" He laughs, lifting his hand up to block the spray of creek water from his face.

He takes a swift step closer, the minor wave helping you back up faster away and Billy believes he's never seen anything brighter than that precious smile of yours.

"None of what?" You giggle, and with another quick movement he's grabbing your arms to free you up to his gaze again. Instead of fighting him on it though, you grab onto his wrists and fall limp backwards, dragging him into the shallow water with you which he wouldn't dare to resist.

The next night, the saloon was up and running again and oh, how it was a good night for a show. The air was buzzing with everyone being eager to forget their troubles- both perpetual or caused by the storm.

It's crowded, and your guitar case is to be the vessel of many a tip tossed from the hands of drunk men who were feeling particularly lucky in poker.

You could smell it in the air, tonight would be good.

You step up onto the stage after downing a warm shot of honey, grabbing your guitar and picking at it mindlessly to grab the attention of anyone who intended to listen. That number has greatly increased over the last few months, your name was being passed around like a bottle of strong whiskey in a friendly crowd. So, Billy watches as people quiet down, his eyes returning to you from his seat at a poker table where he was attempting to win something decent to contribute to your savings.

"Hope everyone's havin' a good night so far." You grin, forcing your gaze to scan the crowd instead of remaining anchored to Billy in the corner. "I figure it's likely everyone needs some cheerin' up, that was one hell of a tempest, wasn't it?"

There's some shouts of agreement, some confused mumbles at the term. Your smile splits your face and you nod. "Hey, but we're all here, ain't we? We should count that a blessing. And the sun is back, bigger and brighter than ever."

Your eyes meet Billy's again and you can just see the slight curve of his lips in one corner- he simply couldn't not smile like an idiot in your presence.

"That being said, this song is called Suneater."

The introduction earns you some laughs as you begin the first few chords, glancing down at the journal on the floor next to you to refresh your memory before you started singing.

"Angels danced the day that you were born, Oh, I'm so sure they celebrated when you arrived. You're so bright, I swear, you swallowed the sun And I am so in awe, just basking in your light."

The way you were looking at Billy every couple seconds is the only viable indicator that you wrote this about him, because surely, he was the farthest thing from a bask-able light. On top of that, he hadn't read it in your journal a few weeks earlier when he was feeling forgivably nosey. But you had written it this week, and it was possibly the fastest any song had ever come together from the very forefront of your mind.

"But I am just the one who swallowed the moon The only light that I have's just a reflection of you. You're the sea of tranquillity, You're all of my stars, You're Neptune and Saturn, You're Venus and Mars, And I see the whole galaxy in your eyes."

Billy sits back and crosses his arms, his cards clutched tight to his chest as he shakes his head a little at you and your horrible misinterpretation of who is who in this unofficial and heavenly relationship. You can still see him smiling though, knowing he couldn't flip this on you while you were performing.

"And I long to tell you But I think it'll only make you shy. You got the heart of a Leo. But you're sweet like a Pisces, And the only thing I know is I think I might be falling for The boy who swallowed the sun."

He draws a few eyes followed by your own loving gaze, and he shrinks back a little in his seat, lowering his hat just a bit. For reasons obvious to him, he didn't love having eyes on him.

Your smile just grows, assuming you had been right about your assumption mentioned in the song that it would make him shy. To be fair, you are too. As much as you openly cared for one another, you both were yet in the week after your kiss to share a single word and genuine as these. A confession. A real I love you.

"I will keep the tides in tune if you will make the flowers bloom And gravity will do the rest and pull me back to you. Just like Hades and Persephone, The boy who ate the sun and me, You have brought sunshine to the dark side of the moon."

As the bar continued to be mostly entranced by your melodious serenade, you're slightly distracted. You had looked away from Billy for no more than a few seconds to maintain a better stage presence, when you see him stand out of the corner of your eye. Stand, head down and walk between chairs and tables, past the bar, and out the back door, your eyes following the whole way as your smile steadily faded which each step he took away during your love song.

You feel your heart crack in your chest, but the show must go on.

no taglist this time around!! my fics usually get over a hundred requests to be added to the taglist so instead i made a library! follow me over on @runningfrom2am-library and turn on notifs to get updates when i post new parts!!

[utilitycaster]

Feel free to ignore if you don't want to talk about it (since I know folks have been super weird to you about gaming), but I'm really curious what build you went for in Disco Elysium, since, at least in my experience, it REALLY colors the information you get about the world (and also how the game flows).

Hey anon! I am happy to talk about it. I'll give you the build and then, honestly, I'm going to give a rundown of The Weirdnesses since talking around them is probably making shit more confusing. I may have even done this before or I may have drafted it and deleted it. I honestly do not recall, and it doesn't hurt to repeat.

I went with thinker, in a move surprising no one who has been subjected to my "never dump intelligence when you can dump wisdom" rants about D&D. I want to know what's going on; this has made progress slow in a few places due to the mediocre physical stats/horrifically bad psyche stats, and also it means my available health and morale are garbage, however, I do not care because I want to know what's going on. It does mean I haven't been able to get through several doors, however.

Anyway re: video games. This isn't unique to them but I think bc I am up to date on Critical Role this just doesn't happen much, but anyway two things are going on.

the overfamiliarity problem. I mean this so seriously: If we have not interacted recently and/or frequently (or uh. at all) saying shit like "I'm so excited for you to be playing this game!" is actually deeply off-putting to me. I am sure it is INTENDED to be friendly, and so I usually quietly delete comments or hide reblogs instead of blocking, but it really is like...this is a normal thing for casual acquaintances to say and it's fucking weird for strangers to say. like the posts if you like them! reblog them! Even "oh it's a fun game, enjoy yourself!" is fine by me. But like, something about "I'm excited for you" or talking about your own experience when I do not fucking know you makes my skin crawl.

Like many people I have a number of hangups about using leisure time for leisure instead of productivity, or even using leisure time for a leisure activity like video games specifically, which are both time consuming and, while very enjoyable and imo rewarding, do not have the same cultural cache as books nor the finished products as crafts, nor the ability to simultaneously clean your kitchen or crochet as podcasts or TV/movies. I've found from some conversations with friends that I have...more than average hangups, and that's a conversation I do genuinely intend to have in like. a therapy setting. and I'll leave it at that. But anyway to that point feeling like I am having demands put on me, even something as vague and well-intentioned as "I'm excited to hear your thoughts!" or "do you think you'll do another run" before I've independently formulated said thoughts/done another run kicks in a whole bunch of contrarian and also "why are you giving me a fucking TASK related to this when I already had to manually override seventeen warning lights to get to the point of doing something purely for fun and for myself" instincts. (This is also a factor in why I'm extremely sensitive to any spoilers; even "oh you'll have fun when you meet Bob" sets my brain into "well now you can't focus on anything until you meet Bob, obviously, all that matters is finding Bob" mode, which may fuck up my experience until I meet Bob. It's not all the time, depending on the nature of the spoiler and the work and my own ability to be like hey. brain. stop. But it is sometimes, and given that there's very valid reasons to avoid spoilers anyway, such as "random stranger on Tumblr usually does not reveal them in a way that feels nearly as rewarding as the work itself" I am spoiler averse.) Really, when it comes to me exploring video games, or life, one must treat me as a shelter cat or a toddler: I gotta do it myself, let me figure it out myself, only stop me if I'm going to like, fall down a flight of stairs or chew on a lamp cord. And honestly? I think this is a good way to treat everyone who is getting into something you like unless they ask you for advice.

ANYWAY mortifying ordeal of being very slightly known/lecture on how to welcome the independent to a fault and perhaps beyond that into your fandoms aside, asking about what I've already done? 100% ok, do not worry about doing this, just make sure from my posts it is indeed a thing I've already done.

[arathejedi394]

hi

so a little while ago in an ao3 note I mentioned my grandma not doing well. of my grandparents, both of my grandfathers died before I was 10, but my two grandmothers lived past that. I'm talking about my mom's mom in this post. my dad's mom passed away semi-unexpectedly about 2 or 3 years ago, and she was the ideal grandma. mom's mom died about a month ago. my mother and I were driving from our home state to hers the day it happened, we had maybe 40% of the trip completed and my uncle called to say it had happened. this grandma was racist, homophobic, transphobic, all the bad things you could think of. and she was mean. i lived with her for 6 months back in 2018 with the intention of making her life easier but what she did was make my mental illnesses worse. nothing I did for her was worthy of even a "you completed the task as instructed." she was 110% probably abused growing up bc her father did the nasty to my mother when she was a child, so no doubt he did it to my grandma, first. she survived breast cancer. she raised my mother who finished a master's degree in math shit. she failed to protect my mother from her father. it was my fucking luck that he died before I was born, even though I doubt my mother would have let him near me, and even still, what he did to my mother caused her to accidentally abuse me in a nasty way. i grew up assured in my place as her least favorite grandchild. and i was the grandchild to do the most for her; my two cousins who lived nearby would visit her, but for six months I was her maid and personal punching bag. i never made it out of last place despite that. i have a lot of conflicted feelings. i think about how I idolized her as a child and the next second remember her talking to a friend about the dark dangerous path her friend's granddaughter was going on by being a lesbian. i never came out to her, while the rest of my family I allowed to know. i let her see my beard a few times near the end, but she kept commenting that I should shave it off no matter how much I said I liked it.

and yannow the worst part? nothing to do with my grandmother's choices. my mother and her brother both had daughters in 1999 (one was me) but my uncle had one first and he picked the name of a family member. but my mother had been meaning to use that name for her first "daughter" (sike on her she has no daughters now just 2 1/2 sons plus 1/2 unholy offspring) so 10 months after my cousin's birth she named me the exact same thing. so I grew up knowing I was just the knock-off version of a granddaughter to my grandma. that her first granddaughter would always be better at everything bc I was the knockoff. i grew up as a matched set with "this one is always the 2nd place option" printed on my forehead. and I always felt that that was how my grandma saw me. always the last choice and always not enough compared to my cousin with the same fucking name. i managed one (1) feat big enough to satisfy her to the point where she talked about it regularly, and that was p u b l i s h i n g a n e n t i r e b o o k. oh other grandkid got an A on one test? celebrate. me, publishes an entire book, gets a review from fucking Hank Green?that's worth a thumbs up. a few brags to friends. not that much in the long run.

i don't know how to feel about her death. I'm thinking of trying to contact her using my spirit board and pendulum, but I'm not sure. she had no idea who I was. all she ever knew was the generic brand version of her ideal granddaughter. part of me wants to call her up and gloat over all the things I became that she hated, how it's fulfilling my life and brings me joy and she was wrong about. or try to actually connect with her for the first time now that she's had her beliefs about Christianity destroyed that maybe she'll be more willing to listen with that having happened. part of me thinks she's probably been reincarnated as something so low she won't be able to talk to me. some part of me just never wants to find out. idk.

[awellboiledicicle]

I like the idea of Fido and Astarion being besties while Gale thinks something is going on over there entirely bc because it would only survive act 1 in that state

Largely because Fido is sitting with Astarion while he drinks from their arm like "how do you tell someone you'd fuck them if they wouldn't explode" and he just. smacks their shoulder bc he's trying to eat not laugh. Has to deal with Fido making very obvious puppy eyes at Gale whenever he cooks something and is proud of it. Has been tasked with sleight of hand obtaining herbs and spices specifically so Gale will have things to season with and be happy. Which Astarion does with little complaint because it smells better than flavorless gruel to be around.

Gale meanwhile is down bad for Fido, but is 90% sure his orb is going to kill mmm everyone so he's being reserved. It's not helped when he's teaching them things and they're telling him about Earth things. After the weave scene he's just emotionally pining because they obviously can't DO anything without risk and then they're talking to Astarion and letting him feed on them and-- its a thing.

When Elminster shows up hes thrilled because Earth Knowings and his old friend might be able to explain some things and-- oh. oh that's. that's something.

Fido absolutely is against killing yourself for forgiveness. They don't even want Elminster there for cheese time to explain earth stuff. They don't want to know anymore. He can gtfo their camp. Go, leave, scamper. Gale manages to talk them into letting him stay to speak about the portal and pact thing, while he himself goes to have a think in his tent. The convo is exceptionally chilly, but informative. Largely that they could, in theory, leave right then. Elminster goes to fucking yellowstone as a vacation on the reg, so he could totally pop them home. But, you know, tadpole. The pact is trickier, because they literally don't know the terms. If the pact and coming over were connected, then leaving could have dire consequences.

That said once Elminster is gone and they have a chance to talk, Fido is just. "No, you're not blowing yourself up. You're going to live. You're going to live so you can introduce me to your weird flying cat and show me your weird magic tower and let me read your poetry." "She's not weird." "I won't know until i meet her, will i? Now, there are many ways to destroy things aside killing yourself. We could make a bomb not made of you and go from there. Or, or, whatever we find at moonrise! Maybe if we just kill the leadership it falls apart--" "It's alright." "No, no it's not! You won't die, i won't let you. I decided." "I think i'm allowed to decide this for myself." "But you didn't! You didn't get into the heat of battle and see a tragic but necessary option to end the world devouring whateverthefuck! Your shitheel ex with a literal god complex decided to play fuckfuck with your life once again!" "Don't speak about Mys--" "I'll say whatever i damn well please about Mystra!" "She is a goddess--" "And a shit one at that! If she wanted to interfere so bad, she could give you a boon! A magic fuck'em'up staff or something! But no, her solution to the problem is 'let me blow up my mortal plaything'!" "She does not," his eyes were hard now, almost angry. "Think of me as a plaything. The gods cannot interfere directly and i've already got the orb. She gifted me control--" "She gifted you a way to kill yourself." "For the greater good." "Fuck the greater good! And don't give me that look, i can be selfish too! I don't want you to die, so you're not going to. I care too damn much about you to let you blow yourself to smitherines! We'll find another way, even if it means i have to personally fight through every mindflayer and cultist with my bare fucking hands. And you will see that you don't deserve to die, or so help me god i will tear the very heavens asunder to wring Mystra's neck myself!" "You can't say things like--" "Watch me! If they care so damn much about what's said of them, they can strike me down! But they won't because they can't interfere-- but apparently telling one of the greatest men in the world to kill himself doesn't count! Fuck that! Fuck it!" They strode forward and grabbed the front of his robe, balling it in their fists as they glared into his eyes and nearly snarled. "You can worry about Mystra, i'll worry about keeping you and everyone else alive. You will survive this, you will live, and you will thrive--whether i have to drag you kicking and screaming through to the other side. Do you understand me?" A beat of silence while they searched each others faces for something the other couldn't quite determine. Finally, Gale's posture crumpled and they let go of his robe. He rubbed at his face briskly before regarding them with a touch of bewilderment in the face of their fury. "I understand." They nodded, until he held up a finger. "But, it remains an option-- if we must take it." The whole camp could see their jaw working as they grit their teeth. "Fine, as the last nuclear option. But only then." "Only then."

[tittyinfinity]

Ok this is kind of a personal post but I'm putting it here in case anyone else relates

ADHD/autism related

Kinda long

Things that should have pushed me to get autism & adhd diagnoses a lot sooner:

Multiple stims throughout my whole life, but I've held onto one specific stim since childhood which is tapping things in a very specific pattern

Every social interaction is like a test that I have to "study" for – practicing every interaction in my head, thinking of all the possible things they could say and how I should respond without looking weird; closely paying attention to a person's each movement and tone of voice change in order to figure out which script to switch to; mirroring people because I don't know which social cues are acceptable to which people

Weird kid of every friend group that people only pretended to like because sometimes I was funny – always hearing that people are talking behind my back, boys making fun of me to my face while admitting to having a crush on me but not pursuing it because their friends would make fun of them

Embracing being ~*rAnDoM!!*~ as a preteen and doing things like yelling nonsense in the hallways with my other (now also diagnosed autistic) friend and wearing things that specifically pissed the other kids off

Oh so everyone else doesn't feel existential dread whenever they have to do one task? You're telling me people can have the motivation to complete a task before the very last minute when it's an immediate threat??

I'm really good at paying attention in class! All I need are my color coded pens of different thicknesses and my multiple colors of highlighters so that I can picture it in my mind (holy SHIT I had like 10-15 writing utensils on me at all times)

Wow I'm so so smart and at the top of my class!! ......oh I was just really good at standardized testing. Oh. Wow. I'm not smart outside of school. Shit.

HOW do people not feel emotion SO INTENSELY I just don't understand how people can just be OKAY WITH THINGS

"They overreact every time they get upset" "they're a crybaby" "it's not that big of a deal" yeah those were actually full on meltdowns! Yeah maybe it wasn't normal for me to be screaming and groveling over "minor" things!

I am walking out of this job right now because all of the noises and sounds are Too Much and I am having a panic attack at my desk. This must be because of the panic attack disorder I was diagnosed with

I can FEEL noises. Why can I feel them. Especially mouth noises. I grew up I a family with vocal/tongue/throat stims and I've had to wear headphones or put my head under a pillow bc while they can't help it, I also can't help that I have a physical response to it and it makes me want to explode. Repetitive noises and certain tones also drive me INSANE

No matter what you are not going to make me eat certain textures

Can't wear a bra or normal underwear without being aware of it all day bc it's all I can feel

Okay I'm going to start this task now. I mean now. Okay now. How about at 3. Oh it's 3:02, how about 3:30. Okay 4.

I am SO OBSESSED with this one thing that my entire life is going to revolve around it until it wears off for the next thing

Why do I feel like I'm so much further behind all the other adults at my age??? How have I not figured it out yet???

"The kid who asks too many questions" (especially at church)

I'm not going to follow this rule if it's not logical to do so

Having to fake a smile and engage in small talk with someone I don't know well makes me physically angry. Like not just annoyed. I want to explode and I want everything to explode with me

On that note: customer service jobs are worse than hell

I got so distracted with what I was doing that I've been doing the wrong thing this whole time

How many times can a person walk into one of their old classrooms and sit there before realizing they're not in that grade anymore

I've been talking to this person for an hour and just realized that I know them

I introduced myself to this person and they said we have met many times before

I can vividly remember every time I've missed a social cue and keep it stored in my brain so I can reference it for future situations. Also thinking about it makes me want to die

The same song/phrase has been on a loop in my head for a week straight now

Not everyone thinks in patterns and numbers specifically??

Nobody Fucking Tell Me What To Do

I very much also need people to tell me what to do because I fucking forget

(This stresses me out very much)

Idk if this has anything to do with it, but drugs affect me differently than others. My pain medication makes me energized and focused while making others drowsy. I can function and focus better after smoking weed. The only thing that fucks me up is alcohol, but anything else I've ever tried has made me feel more "normal" while everyone else around me is having a great time (I won't touch hard drugs because of this – I'd get addicted to meth or heroin extremely easily)

Apparently hypermobility can be an adhd thing? I got the record for the sit-and-reach test at all my schools and have always been able to touch the ground flat handed without bending my legs or stretching. I can also put my legs behind my head.

If I go through a major life or routine change I am fucking useless and mentally strained until I adapt to it

Me and my cats are Same

Half of my day is spent looking for objects I've misplaced

Well I'm on this website and that's a symptom too

[merlions]

Can I also add that unfortunately, "being kind to those you are afraid of/feel are hurting you makes you vulnerable to harm so you better be angry at them instead" is EXACTLY why bullies bully people. It is the start and end of their thought process, and it's why thinking like that will never break any cycle, will not protect you from being bullied, may even turn you into a bully yourself.

Here's why it doesn't protect you: all bullies WANT is for you to have an emotional reaction to what they're saying. If they're mean to you for the purposes of bullying you, they want you to get angry and frustrated and sad. That's the power they're trying to get: the power over you to disturb you and have effects on your emotional state. When you react as if they've successfully hurt your feelings, they have succeeded in their task, and their system is affirmed to themself. "Wow I sure bothered that person. It's going great!"

Being kind instead is SUCH a powerful tool against bullies for exactly this reason. If you are capable of maintaining your own mind and emotional state no matter how awful someone is to you, you show them that they don't actually have power over you.

Sure, this does freak a lot of people out (having what feels like a certain, 100% hit rate weapon for gaining power over someone suddenly firing blanks can do that to an insecure person), and sometimes this does make people angrier - at first. But that's not because you've made yourself vulnerable, it's because they're perceiving everyone as "I have to put them down before they have a chance to hurt me" and you've just shown them you're actually invulnerable to anything they've got.

They see you as having equal power (or at least they don't have power over you), and because they're afraid everyone is going to hurt them all the time if given the chance, they may then perceive you as a threat. Like on a nervous system level, fight or flight. Do it anyways. When you then don't immediately kill them, their nervous system gets a chance to start unworking the fuckin knots it's twisted itself up into.

A weird side effect of this is that they may start immediately sharing the most personal, vulnerable things you can imagine. It's so wild. Take this with grace. I've had so many experiences where someone who's well known for being universally cruel and hostile says something awful to me, and then when I respond with kindness, then says shit to me absolutely unprompted. Like "I think I lash out at others because I'm scared they're gonna hurt me first. I don't like myself much. My parents were pretty terrible to me growing up, and I don't know how to make friends." Or whatever their thing is that slams the fear button all the time. And then if I respond with sympathy and relate to them, I notice them slowly begin to change over time, trying out kindness instead of proactive hostility. (Or like especially with high school friends I eventually notice them come out as trans on facebook and then they're normal non-hostile people after that. Many such cases. Turns out being in excruciating, mysterious-origin emotional pain all the time makes you feel afraid of everything bc like what's causing that..."oh shit it was the gender again" lol)

Anyways. I've never regretted kindness, never had a bad experience, never had an experience where using kindness instead of reactive hostility didn't gain me at least something. At the very least they get afraid of ME. I've worked with some people who like, other coworkers will come up to me and go "you're so sweet! Tbh it's like a flashing dinner bell for predators! Why is our asshole coworker always doing you favors and working hard on things you request and asking for your help on things? ONLY ever you?" And I'll be like well every time they try to tear me down and I just don't even emotionally react to it at all and stay cheerful, they get FREAKED out like palms sweaty arms spaghetti and go somewhere else for a while. They're my little bitch now. And when they're afraid of something they sometimes actually come to ME for help cause they know I'm strong enough to protect them!

This power is immense...padawan you can learn the potent ways of this mysterious force and save the galaxy...seek within yourself.. the power is already within you............

I'm so serious about being kind above all else. it has genuinely changed the way I interact with the world on a fundamental level and has made me so so much happier.

[inconsideratekidney]

11/12/24

hey y'all,

how is it hanging? it's hanging well for me. as of rn.

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so many eyes in this world. so many always looking. to think of the psychology of your eyes, they are your information recruits. being a sighted person, you are constantly searching for clues and pieces in your visual field to put together this crazy puzzle we call life. mine seem to work in overdrive and all the time. i am sick of using my eyes. i'd like to take a damn break every so often, but they are always picking up every single aspect of my environment and i can't get them to stop or the bugs yell at me.

if i am comfortable in my environment, i've noticed it calms down, but that can take a while or the right people or environment. it's either the adhd or anxiety or something that makes me act up when there are a lot of people around and it makes me feel like i have to survey the room and take everything in. it's a habit that ruins my way of existing on a populated campus. i love when places aren't full and busy, when i can sit down in a coffee shop almost alone or when there's no one in the bathroom.

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i dont wanna be done with college. i feel like since i'm considering not pursuing my second major anymore, i could have one less year here :( its so funny that all through high school i couldn't wait for it to be over as well. in the process i want to be done with something, but i enjoy the routine. while school is so difficult, i love having roommates and friends right next door. it's crazy to think how much i've taken all of this for granted. i do take notice of everything and i appreciate everything, but now that i'm nearing the end of my 2.5 years here, its kinda wild to think that i only have 1.5 years left. all of a sudden i'm feeling so nostalgic, but just like they did in inside out 2, we gotta push that shit down for now. it's not time yet!!!! oy va voy.

next semester i might get a car and wont have these terribly frigid walks home anymore or complain of the bus system. that is, if i pay for campus parking. i won't have to borrow anyone's car anymore or feel nervy every time i drive because it's the first time i've driven in over a week. it would be kinda nice.

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every time something pops up up my brain, i think about it and it changes my track of focus. normal right? i forget what i was thinking about. consequently, i often forget things later on bc i lost them before even writing them down. this happens all the time and it's pretty typical for me. but what i never understand is that looming fear that i'm always forgetting something like super important. like what if i was supposed to be pursuing some hobby or mindset and i totally forgot about it. i have so many worried thoughts like this that wrack my brain. it's different than the usual "oh i forgot my headphones at home," it's more like "wait, i wanted to be more positive," "i wanted to stop cracking my knuckles," "where did that motivation go that i had an hour ago? i swear i'm into this task i'm doing aren't i?" "when did i say i wanted to finish this by? okay and then i have to really focus on something else, but i wanted to try to hyperfocus on this? no, it was the other thing...what other thing? wait, no. i thought i remembered...i can't tell if it was important or not, it sure feels important. i won't know until something big changes and i'm not ready...oh well." that kind of fear. the kind that i have no idea how to distinguish between losing something physical or leaving something behind at home.

i hate when people say to imagine yourself in a field, or hide your intrusive thoughts or thoughts you don't need to deal with in this vault, that cannot be broken, behind this painting on this wall. like, no i cannot i'm sorry. my brain knows there's no vault, no field. how will my thoughts stay in there? no they won't. i am certain that they will roam free and forget that they were supposed to "be in a box" hell i can't even remember what intrusive thoughts are until they recur constantly and affect me later on anyway, so how could i put them aside now? once they affect me they literally take control of me and i literally cannot get my brain to change its course so i just embrace it. i've had a lot of experience trying to embrace every thought that comes into my mind. i'm curious what other people think on this tbh, but for the most part i truly believe i should own every thought i have. when i have uncomfortable or intrusive thoughts, that's typically when i look up how to get rid of them and people are like, "it's normal, you don't have to acknowledge every thought that passes through your mind." and i'm like, yes. yes, i do. i wish i didn't, but when i ignore them they rise up and eat me alive. so, yeah -_-

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honestly i need to go to sleep, it's too late. i keep going to sleep at 1am and i never used to do that. the existential crises need to stop. i'm losing sleep and fucking up my times i go to sleep. i'm also fucking losing my mind every day from homework and a lack of free will. why can't i get a degree without doing any work, hmmmmmmm?? it's no fair. i want two degrees, but i barely can make enough effort for one. honestly, my whole major is questionable rn. idek why i'm doing what i'm doing. it's all unintelligible gibberish and sillyness in my brain. it's also the headaches that have really been pushing me over the edge lately. i think i'm going to go to sleep now, i'm doing it again. i've been pushing 2am recently, ugh.

goodnight, love y'all,

kD x(

[decaysol]

We had satay and it was too much, so we fed them to the stray dogs and my fav baby female stray recognized me and I gave it pats uwu

Today's insanity is me being ungrounded and trying to catch myself thinking weird shit instead of dealing with my life and life situations as hands on tasks. Why tf is nobody hiring me yet. I have been asking too much spiritual questions I haven't been asking enough questions about real life to figure shit out lol. Back then I felt like what's the point bc I'd be suffering at work anyways so I broke down mentally and gave up on life. Three years later now with awakenings and gods and more friends I do feel better but I'm still kind of a fucktard tbh. I don't know how others stay motivated. I don't have enough survival instinct to feel and think about it bc I spend all day thinking about other things and scrolling instead of looking at my life. Oh well! Such is life in the 2024! Weird perspectives from the internet fucked me up when life was more simple than that! Wtf!

Technically I don't need to think about how to make things make sense as long as I do am looking at what's happening and doing what's needed. Because what's the fuck is there with things not based off reality? Why did my tasks blend together? I hadn't been keeping it simple with my presence since I always have some weird preoccupation in my brain instead of focusing on reality and getting things done! Wow amazing. Honestly I barely remember how to put things aside and sleep as I need to sleep like make sure I can sleep well because I planned how to sleep and the reasons and parameters on how to get good sleep like it's supposed to be a task shaped like itself with it's own focus and goals. Why did I lose that? What the hell! Every task and activity needs context in it's plan! That's how people do and learn things! My brain merged everything together to feel whole and it was feels good but also too much feelings for the monotasker way things need to be done well... Like how to make a environment for a good focused drawing session etc. etc. get it Mr brain One task at a time please.