arathejedi394

[arathejedi394]

570 degrees bucky: first in line to be emperor of romanian's extensive empire. beheads people for a living. prime minister of Europe. i said that right -- all of Europe pretty much. (great britain Ireland & Scotland are not a part of the romanian empire, but russia and everywhere else is conquered. the UK is not considered valuable enough to justify the cost of conquering it.) breaks his father the emperor's face in seven places and his hip in three places with one punch, in front of witnesses, bc said father/emperor slapped steve on the ass, and the emperor's chief of staff responds by saying "please excuse his majesty the emperor it seems he's spontaneously sprung a bloody nose." has the authority to then place the emperor under house arrest. and then keeps him there. also 570 degrees bucky: has over 1,370 individual and group scene ceramic and porcelain figurines of omega men, in various sizes and scenes, in various historical dress but most especially French Rococo period, and a significant portion of these figurines being dressed only in historical underwear, and gets really mad if you even poke them. 1,370. this represents roughly 60% of his collection of ceramic and porcelain figurines. the next largest chunk of them are all kittens and puppies. these do not include figurines made of metal or stone. don't touch his figurines. he might behead you.

[arathejedi394]

these are my cats i don't have a problem

[arathejedi394]

me: [info dumping about makeup in 1840s and how prostitutes specifically did their makeup] @junkyrdgh0st: the things you research for writing junk: we should put you on some kind of watchlist

[arathejedi394]

NO. NO I DIDN'T MEAN LINKEDIN, GOOGLE.

[arathejedi394]

i see your point about him being naked but I raise you: he lives in the jungle. with snakes. and poisonous toads. and sharp things that can so easily puncture human skin, leathery and sun-hardened as it may be. and he has so very chompable genitals according to literally every carnivore in Africa.

he has opposable thumbs and steve is always the smartest man in the room (unless he decides to be a ditzy dumb blonde for fun), and we did see tarzan use simple tools like a spear in the disney movie, so it's not like steve can't discover tool use. i think he would have figured out how to make basic clothing to protect his body -- like probably just crude shoes and leg and arm wraps and the aforementioned loincloth out of probably just strips of animal hide, which would be even more crudely prepared. otherwise his skin would get all cut up by thorns and branches and shit and anything with teeth and a hankering for the other other white meat can see it is nibble-able. there's definitely no reason for him to be modest about his body tho, basic coverings would just be practical.

i had an almost identical conversation to this once upon a time when I was writing big god and working with a friend to make art for it; they initially drew steve as being naked and I had to go "well actually have you considered sharp rocks and thorns being everywhere" so they gave him crude pants and shoes

okay hear me out

stucky in a tarzan story.

okay but wait wait hold on!! starring as jane whatever her last name is, we have bucky. complete palette and genderswap. he's got his fragile old granny with him bc she wants to die on a safari. he is also too old and additionally too fat to be on a safari but there he is sweating his ass off in the African jungle. and then steve is tarzan.

but he's pre-serum.

ehh? ehh??!!

[arathejedi394]

somebody else is mad i suggested another pre-serum steve; "oh another pretty and small steve what a shock" they said.

do you really think a steve that lives with a gang of gorillas in the jungle is anywhere near well-groomed. that man has a 8in ragged beard and sticks in his hair. probably also dead things. his skin has got to be so leathery and coarse. he smells like gorillas. his favorite snack is beetles. he smells like a gorilla. i don't think gorillas smell very nice.

tho they are correct beneath all the dirt and matted hair and stink he is pretty. give him about six baths and a haircut and he'll look like a royal. (maybe the disney headcannon that tarzan's parents were elsa and anna's parents applies to this story who knows) still not sure what they're mad about.

okay hear me out

stucky in a tarzan story.

okay but wait wait hold on!! starring as jane whatever her last name is, we have bucky. complete palette and genderswap. he's got his fragile old granny with him bc she wants to die on a safari. he is also too old and additionally too fat to be on a safari but there he is sweating his ass off in the African jungle. and then steve is tarzan.

but he's pre-serum.

ehh? ehh??!!

[arathejedi394]

if i did this!! i will say rn that obviously I wouldn't cast mcu characters as steve's gorilla family. idk if that does need to be said but I'll say it anyway. like the gorillas that tarzan steve lives with would be normal gorillas. and instead of like in the disney movie bucky staying with steve and the gorillas, steve would actually leave with bucky to be a person. but they would still save the gorillas. i imagine filling the role of clayton would be alexander pierce, but bucky's 103yo momi (rromani name for grandmothers; if you didn't know I always write bucky as mixed jewish/rromani I've been writing him like that since intertwined/edges blurred) would cap him and coup his gorilla snatching team with firstly a stern talking to and then a smack on the head with her fan each. after bucky gets her a foot stool, bc she's shorter than steve. she's like 4ft tall. tiny little hunchback lady; bc my grandma had one and that just clicks in my brain as loveable old lady. it's hilarious to see her and then steve and then bucky; 4ft tall, 5ft 4in tall, and 6ft 4in tall.

but yes pre-serum steve malnourished bc he lives with gorillas in the middle of the African jungle and only eats bananas and bugs probably is still swinging through the trees faster than a jaguar and able to pin the chief silverback gorilla in his idk what you call a group of gorillas his gorilla gang.

and further yes!!! bucky is a big old bear with a big old salt and pepper beard/mustache combo with a big old belly round and full of jelly jolly as can be with an 11-inch dick that he uses like he invented the concept of coitus

okay hear me out

stucky in a tarzan story.

okay but wait wait hold on!! starring as jane whatever her last name is, we have bucky. complete palette and genderswap. he's got his fragile old granny with him bc she wants to die on a safari. he is also too old and additionally too fat to be on a safari but there he is sweating his ass off in the African jungle. and then steve is tarzan.

but he's pre-serum.

ehh? ehh??!!

[arathejedi394]

These two could solo Thanos

[arathejedi394]

i've presented you with fat bear bucky but have you ever considered pudgy twunk steve. as in post-serum steve who has love handles and squishy thighs/upper arms and a double chin. bc you should have done that already.

anyway, snippet from alternate ending to for him. where bucky fell off the train and steve got frozen like in canon pregnant then couldn't lose the baby weight. then bucky buys him a skimpy bikini.

Bucky comes into the bungalow with a shopping bag, looking far too pleased with himself.

“What did you do?” Steve asks warily.

Bucky thrusts the shopping bag towards him. “Open it.”

Steve considers him, suspicious, then takes the bag and looks inside.

There’s a bikini in it.

“Is this for you?” Steve asks dryly.

“No!” Bucky answers, looking offended. “It’s for you!”

“I’m not wearing a bikini,” Steve tells him. “Go take it back.”

Bucky pouts. “Please?”

“No!” Steve insists. “I would look awful! I’m way too fat for this!”

“Don’t make me spank you,” Bucky counters, wagging a finger. “You’re beautiful, fat and all.”

Steve scowls. “You’re just saying that.”

“Put it on for me?” Bucky asks, touching Steve’s arm. “Please? You don’t have to wear it out, I just wanna see you in it.”

Steve huffs. Then he gets up, making Bucky grin, and ducks into their bedroom to change. He feels ridiculous. The bikini is white with gold metals, the hips of the bottom and part of the halter top are gold chains, and a gold ring holds the triangle bust together. His stomach hangs out and so do his love handles. All of the cellulite padding his thighs and under his upper arms are visible. The top doesn't really fit his still heavily muscled tits, they sort of spill out of it. He reluctantly puts it on, then ducks back out.

“I look stupid,” Steve insists again.

Bucky’s slowly raising his eyebrows, his gaze lingering on the bikini top. Steve blushes and lifts a hand to cover his cleavage. Bucky's gaze seems to intensify. Steve uses both hands.

“Turn around,” Bucky says.

Steve, still blushing, turns around. He feels like his flabby ass is hanging out of the bikini bottom.

“Fuck,” Bucky groans quietly behind him.

Steve glances over his shoulder. “Quit undressing me with your eyes,” he fusses a bit weakly.

“Nah,” Bucky says, standing up. “I’mma leave it on you. Get back in there.”

Steve’s eyebrows shoot up. “Bucky, I’m fat,” he says. "I don't look even a bit sexy!"

“You look like walking porn financed by Satan himself,” Bucky responds at once. “Get that pretty, fat ass back in the bedroom, honey.”

Steve sticks his lip out a bit, wrinkling his nose. “Buck,” he whines.

“Do I gotta tell you a third time?” Bucky asks, raising his eyebrows. 

Well. No.

[arathejedi394]

googling gay bear mirror selfie for academic purposes. i cannot describe this man I just found. i shall not show you as that seems too intimate. it's not really a mirror selfie but he's in a bathroom, camera shows his nipples up. very perky. HE LOOKS LIKE AN 64-BIT GIGACHAD. OLD MAN. ALL WHITE HAIR. NO NECK. CHUCK NORRIS BECAME SANTA THEN SANTA BECAME A STRIPPER NOW HE'S LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA AS IF HE'S GETTING HIS MUGSHOT TAKEN DURING A VERY DIFFICULT SHIT.

i had to see it. you don't but you have to experience it with me. chuck norris filled in as santa for a day but did it for the girls and the gays only he's currently constipated. you're welcome.

[arathejedi394]

something about how google docs crashes pretty much every time I try to search 570 degrees tells me it wasn't designed to host 800+ page documents

[arathejedi394]

i just want to draw attention to the state of net neutrality in the US for a second. like you can go look at all the headlines I'm not gonna hash out what it did or why it happened, I just wanna point out one of the results I'm personally seeing.

i don't have home wifi. i can't afford it. i access the internet at home using a mobile hotspot provided by T-Mobile. since 45 was sworn in:

75% of the websites i visit are automatically flagged as unsafe connections. I'm talking reddit, store pages for super popular brands, fucking best buy. i cannot access 75% of the internet unless I turn on a VPN. VPNs are not cheap, people. they are a privilege. i can't load fucking CNET to look at tech comparisons without a VPN.

that's what big internet companies wanted to happen, I'm guessing. paywall as much of the internet as they can. so that's that.

[arathejedi394]

in honor of my fatphobic anon i'm starting fat bear week in February pls enjoy this snippet from my plotless steve and bucky go to bdsm summer camp fic - Not Safe For Reading Around Your Grandma. also Fury always has a pocketful of colorful butterfly barrettes as a general rule.

The Avengers all talk over each other during the meal, spill food, more than one bottom gets thrown over the table or someone’s knee for a swat or two. As they disperse, the Subs on KP start putting away lunch under Sam’s directions. 

“Cleanup on aisle eleven, nesty slick spill!” Scott calls as the chairs around Bucky and Steve are pulled back and the glistening grass beneath them is discovered.

Steve’s combing his hair with a fork while everybody else laughs. Bucky takes the fork away and puts it down, then stands up with him in a cradle. Bucky carries him back to the inflatable couch and its seating area and puts him down in his kiddie pool puddle of pussy juice, where he giggles and splashes it.

“Hey, don’t waste that,” Bucky scolds. “Now, stay.” 

Steve instead squeals as he tries to climb out, so Bucky swats gently him on the head. 

“Stay! Nobody’s gonna be here to watch you!”

“I’ll babysit,” Fury offers, taking a seat with a cigar and a whiskey. “C’mon over to Gramps, kiddo.”

Steve squeals again, then clambers out of the pool and crawls over to Fury, trilling. He curls up by his knee to receive pets to his long, pink-highlighted tresses and fluffy curtain bangs, now dry from the hot tub, petting his pretty, pudgy belly. Bucky thanks Fury and turns back to their RV, ducking inside and heading for the second bedroom he and Steve are in. He squeezes between the bed and the wall, lamenting the lack of consideration for fat people in making this thing, and opens an upper cabinet. He takes down a battery-operated, waterproof massage wand, Barbie pink per Steve’s purchasing, then squeezes back out. He exits the RV and finds a couple of new faces in the waterproof chairs around the kiddie pool as well as Bill back on the pink sofa. Fury has braided some of Steve’s hair into thin strands and fastened each at the top and end with the little butterfly clips he always carries around in his pockets; he’s finishing one as Bucky walks up.

“Howdy, friend,” Bill says.

“Hi, I’m Daisy,” one of new people introduces, a girl in a 2000s-era scene punk schoolgirl uniform. “This is Grant, my boyfriend.”

Grant salutes some, the logo for the 75th Army regiment showing under the edge of his t-shirt sleeve. Bucky salutes back then hooks his thumb in his Sheriff badge belt buckle beneath his very generous beer gut.

“You’re lookin’ at what bein’ outta the Rangers for ten years and havin’ a sweet tooth does t’a ya,” he says. “That and a lotta pussy, pussy with a luxury vintage.”

“For eight years, all-access!” Steve confirms cheerfully.

[arathejedi394]

Is there a way to read the full into the dark? I can only access the first 14 chapters on the way back machine. I'm completely hooked on your kept boy series (and honestly all of your works). Is it only available through pateron?

Also that rude fat phobic anon can go kick rocks.

if you fuck around a bit more on wayback you'll get up to chapter 18 btw

rn the full story isn't actually posted anywhere, but it is high in my docket of stories to post next; the whole first draft is finished (well, 10th or 100th draft but you get the point), there are uhhh 42 or 43 chapters, and as promised in edges blurred, steve adopts a purebred great Pyrenees dog named samson who is pretty much bigger than he is

[arathejedi394]

[kicks the door back in]

FURTHERMORE

FAT MEN ARE FUCKING SEXY THAT'S THE POINT OF MAKING BUCKY FAT

"here's a stucky au where bucky is actually the girl character this time BUT HE'S FAT AND UGLY AND GROSS AND STEVE'S SMALL AND PRETTY" like you could not be more transparent lmfao.

EXCUSE YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH.

I AM FAT.

I AM GORGEOUS because i am fat

how dare you come to my blog and tell me fat people are ugly and gross. how dare you. i won't even dignify whatever bullshit about a tarzan-level athlete pre-serum steve being small and pretty you added on because how dare you.

be ashamed of yourself. look in the mirror and ask yourself why you think fat people are ugly and gross. look yourself in the eye and say it aloud and see if you have a modicum of self-awareness in you.

bless your motherfucking heart nonnie

[arathejedi394]

incorrect quotes from 570 degrees

natasha, pointing at steve: this man is a serial killer bucky: steve: bucky: but look at him. he's wearing bows in his hair. steve: [is wearing bows in his hair] bucky: see natasha: don't trust that cute façade he will ruin your life bucky: he has over two hundred freckles on his face alone!!! natasha: he is an atomic bomb steve: i have never done anything wrong in my entire life bucky:

[arathejedi394]

you ever see a 100lb man in a loincloth pin a fully grown silverback male gorilla? bc bucky barnes has

okay hear me out

stucky in a tarzan story.

okay but wait wait hold on!! starring as jane whatever her last name is, we have bucky. complete palette and genderswap. he's got his fragile old granny with him bc she wants to die on a safari. he is also too old and additionally too fat to be on a safari but there he is sweating his ass off in the African jungle. and then steve is tarzan.

but he's pre-serum.

ehh? ehh??!!