#and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's

[ladysophiebeckett]

Your posts about ysblf made me watch to rewatch Betty’s revenge part for the millionth time, and there’s something I noticed about Armando’s dry spell era. When he admits to Mario that intimacy with Marcela is basically nonexistent, he then asks him if he had been with anyone else after the last time with Betty to which Armando replies that he has had no time and that he lives for Ecomoda and to please Betty and Marcela. Now, the first times I watched this portion, I kinda got it and what he said made sense somehow because he was indeed under a lot of pressure. However, after rewatching these episodes, I noticed that he had not one (Adriana Arboleda’s event) not two (At El Meson de San Diego after Betty left), but at least three (at Le Noir when he followed Betty and Nicolas) opportunities to be with someone other than Betty (and Marcela), but chose not to, detail that he conveniently hid from Mario.

I think that the first time was during the night of Adriana Arboleda’s event and the only instance that applies when Mario asked him that question. That night he went home alone, even refused the tempting offer to party with the models even after Betty had already ditched him. He wasn’t that indifferent either, because he did go looking for them with the excuse that he wanted them to work for Ecomoda. Now, this might be true, but he is also a man who likes to look at beautiful women. However, after the coast is clear without Betty there and Marcela miles away, he still chose to go back to his apartment early and alone. At this point, he wasn’t as mentally unstable as he is in later episodes since Betty’s revenge was just beginning to take off, so the excuse that his many troubles were dulling his desire for intimacy didn’t apply either at this point. Adding to this, he was more than eager to get to it with Betty before she left. At first, I thought it was annoying that everywhere he went, there would be a former lover that who would openly flirt with him, but looking at it closely, maybe there was another purpose for doing this after all. I feel dense for not noticing it was to show that he had changed and could only be with Betty. Before, I thought it was just to remind us how popular he was and to showcase his internal struggle to admit openly he loved Betty while also being afraid of the backlash. What do you think? Your analysis is honestly some of the best I’ve seen. I’m in awe every time.

Sorry for the long ask, thank you for reading and good day to you 🫶

ive read this ask like 3x and im like,,,,okay wow mind blown. i would usually comment in order of the ask, but im reeling here so im just gonna have to do this adhd style. im sorry.

At first, I thought it was annoying that everywhere he went, there would be a former lover that who would openly flirt with him, but looking at it closely, maybe there was another purpose for doing this after all.

I'm very with you on this. I was too busy being annoyed at random women coming up to him that I didn't see that it was done with the purpose of seeing Armando rejecting them at every turn. Even at le noir, he doesn't care about the woman greeting him that's asking him to stay. It's not like there weren't other opportunities for him to be with anyone else. Something happens when Betty starts rejecting him. Conversations with Mario make Armando believe it's his ego at the front of it. It is and it isn't.

Let's talk about this:

However, after the coast is clear without Betty there and Marcela miles away, he still chose to go back to his apartment early and alone. At this point, he wasn’t as mentally unstable as he is in later episodes since Betty’s revenge was just beginning to take off, so the excuse that his many troubles were dulling his desire for intimacy didn’t apply either at this point.

Adriana's event is Betty's first rejection of him. All throughout the episode Armando is agitated because he can't find her. As soon as she tells him she's leaving with Nicolas, the agitation he felt all evening turns to anger. He goes so far as saying 'You're staying here, because I'm ordering you to'. It becomes his go to excuse when suddenly the boyfriend card doesn't work anymore.

In fact, he uses work as the excuse for why he gets into a fight with Nicolas at Inesita's. There's comparison's to be made between Adriana's event and the fight at Inesita's (aka Jaundice Day aka the night Catalina catches them). Right down to Betty wearing the same outfit when she says 'Let's see how jealous you get'.

Obviously Betty sees how maybe...perhaps...she took it too far.

At the first rejection Armando says something like 'you would rather go to a dinner with him instead of a date with me?? bc i would rather be with you' vs at Inestia's when he says 'you would rather leave with him instead of staying with me?'

It doesn't take a lot to make Armando lose it, in fact both times he grabs Betty in some way. The difference is that at Inesita's he forced to admit to himself that it's jealousy. Not his ego.

When he admits to Mario that intimacy with Marcela is basically nonexistent, he then asks him if he had been with anyone else after the last time with Betty to which Armando replies that he has had no time and that he lives for Ecomoda and to please Betty and Marcela.

I always laugh at that line bc he's failing miserably at all those things. His Betty isn't behaving properly, Marcela isn't being easily placated with his lies, the hidden state of Ecomoda is in shambles. But the only thing he thinks about is Betty. He can't focus on anything bc he knows his relationship with her is in trouble.

We all make jokes about Armando's dry spell and him going crazy--iirc and someone correct me if I'm wrong--but I believe that Marcela said at some point that when Armando was stressed sex would calm him down. I think she says something like this during one of his rejections towards her. So during the gaslighting arc he's going through high stress levels but the cause of the stress and the cure of said stress is Betty.

The cycle of sexual rejection going on in the Betty\Armando\Marcela love triangle is insane and tragic. (and only hilarious fm Armando's pov bc its a karmic punishment).

However, after rewatching these episodes, I noticed that he had not one (Adriana Arboleda’s event) not two (At El Meson de San Diego after Betty left), but at least three (at Le Noir when he followed Betty and Nicolas) opportunities to be with someone other than Betty (and Marcela), but chose not to, detail that he conveniently hid from Mario.

See, I didn't notice this. Or pay attention to what he isn't telling Mario. I'm??? And I'm a huge 'Betty's Gaslighting Arc' fan. Truly always something new to look at. Like you, I was just annoyed. I'm like 'i get it Armando, ur very popular with the ladies'--which is probably what Betty's thinking when she's a witness to some of this. Him not telling Mario that there were other opportunities means Armando is more aware of his feelings and the things happening around him than he lets on. He really does mentally push things away bc he doesn't want to see the bigger picture. He knows that if he told Mario he had other opportunities to sleep with someone and didn't, that Mario would know (even tho we know that Mario knows Armando's in love with Betty).

---However, after the coast is clear without Betty there and Marcela miles away, he still chose to go back to his apartment early and alone....Adding to this, he was more than eager to get to it with Betty before she left---

He says to Betty that he had an evening planned for them (and we'll never know what that was, probably a well lit place but nothing too fancy. and obviously a sexy little nightcap at Mario's apartment). Even says that they're only going to stop at Adriana's event for a bit and then leave. It was meant to be quick appearance to say he was there. He basically had his heart set on spending time with Betty (without Marcela or Mario breathing down his neck) and when it doesn't happen he doesn't think of making new plans with anyone.

This is him when he gets to his apartment:

(Ignore this set up which looks nothing like the apartment they said was his various episodes ago)

This guy is disgustedly looking at Cosmo magazine thinking 'I was supposed to be having sexy times with my gf\assistant and now I'm here....Alone'.

And this is him when Marcela calls him:

Completely annoyed.

If Betty called his cell phone that night and said 'This dinner with Nicolas just ended, do you still want to do something?' One, he wouldn't be making that face above and two, he'd have thrown that Cosmo magazine in the trash and left immediately.

I feel dense for not noticing it was to show that he had changed and could only be with Betty.

Do not feel dense babe, I didn't make this connection either. It's refreshing to still be able to discover new things in programs we've watched over and over again. That's why discussions like this are fun.

Before, I thought it was just to remind us how popular he was and to showcase his internal struggle to admit openly he loved Betty while also being afraid of the backlash.

That's definitely at the forefront of it all but it can also be a mixture of everything above. It's what makes the character nuanced and dimensional. Sometimes we question how is it that he can be faithful to Betty vs unfaithful to Marcela and it's not (just) bc he had magical sex with Betty. If we look at his subtle rejections of other women in the situations you've mentioned above, then really what we're witnessing is him choosing Betty every time. His confession outside of her house, the way he words it 'I can only be with you'--Armando fears he's losing her and he's won't admit to himself what he really feels, so he can't be at his most vulnerable and say 'I only want to be with you' (not that she would believe him).

That's why, at el Admirante, after confessing to reading her diary he's able to say, 'The life that I know I want to share with you'. Because he's knows now that above all she still loves him (and has always loved him). It's very scorpio of him tbh.

So yeah, I definitely agree with you. You've shown me a new way to look at it. Bc again, I hadn't noticed it. I just get too annoyed with him and all these random women. (come to think of it, a woman greets him when he's drinking with Freddy too and he's still like 'ok whatever' about it).

I love long asks I'm just sorry it takes me forever to answer them. I'm very slow and easily distracted.

[academyofbrokenhearts]

Instead of Dancing Alone, I Should Be Dancing with You (IV)

Some introspection from Kaya's POV, followed by the confrontation with Seyran, with a twist.

Author note: I really don't think Seyran is that horrible. She does have the selfishness of the younger sibling who's used for the older sibling to always be there for them, yes, but let's admit it - she was quite on point that İfakat was manipulating Suna (which she was - I know we all loved İfakat for pushing Suna and Kaya together, but she did it for her own schemes, not because she cared about them as people too much), and she had no particular reason to trust Kaya. So I can understand her being bitter and mistrustful. She should have listened to Suna more, though, instead of concluding that the marriage to Kaya was purely the result of İfakat meddling into stuff. It must have been absolutely hurtful for Suna to be judged like that.

Do I think Kaya would ever speak so openly to Seyran? Hell no, not in a million years. But this is my AU fic, and I do what I want with it. He just wants Suna to be happy and at ease, and if that means having some real words with her sister, then this is what he's going to do.

AO3 link here.

So that's how it's going to be, Kaya thinks, laying in bed, eyes to the ceiling, the memory of Suna's lips still lingering on his. He's really getting engaged, and he's going to be married soon, to this girl who was a complete stranger to him merely weeks before.

Not for the first time, he wonders if he did the right thing by being so direct and honest with Suna. It would have been easier, probably, to just tell her he was in love with her. Easier for him to protect his true feelings and vulnerabilities, easier to just hide behind the facade of a man in love, while carefully planning his next steps. Easier all around.

But he really couldn't do it. Even in his room, before their ill-fated kiss (which he cannot bring himself to regret, however), he wanted to make sure that she wasn't doing it out of desperation or because of being manipulated into it, that it was her decision, and hers alone.

Then she came to talk to him, head held high, telling him she was going to solve everything, and he remembers his heart painfully clutching in his chest, because how in the world could she ever find a different solution? What other option did she really have? None, of course, he knew that, and she knew it as well. He saw it clearly in her eyes. I will defend myself, her eyes were saying. I will defend myself, because no one will, and I will not allow any stranger to partake in my misery, to witness my shame. They can trample all over me, I will still rise. Because I must. Because if I don't, no one will help me up.

How strange it was to look at someone else's eyes and see all his fears and insecurities and pride reflected back at him.

How strange it was to feel anything at all.

He's not in love with her, and he can't ever afford to love her, because she would be a weakness, and he can't be weak. Revenge does not suit the weak.

But really, how easy it would be to just let himself fall. If he were a different man. If there would be no nightmares, and no lost childhood. No trace of the suffocating loneliness that has never left him, that he could never alleviate. If his mother would be different. Better. Whole.

If. If. If.

Too many ifs.

He told her they could be good for each other. It would have been true in another life, maybe. In the current one, he doesn't see any happy ending as far as he is concerned. Maybe for her. Maybe the time she will spend at his side will help her spread her own wings. Maybe she will be able to do what he never could. Live a bit. Breathe. Escape the horror.

Maybe his thorns will not destroy her.

Maybe not all women rejected by their families end up as broken shells of themselves, talking with empty eyes to their reflection in the mirror.

He sighs, standing up. There is no use to think of this now.

The door of his room suddenly opens, putting an abrupt stop to his thoughts.

It's Seyran, and she looks angry.

He can't say he didn't expect this, especially after what Suna shared with him in the morning.

He doesn't even pretend to not know why she is there. It would be so easy to act like he has no idea what's wrong, to aggravate her some more, and that's what he would do in regular circumstances, but... He still remembers. Suna's sadness, the way her shoulders sagged in defeat when speaking about her fight with Seyran earlier. Her kindness when she asked him later about his mother, her gentle reassurance.

So he simply says:

"Yes, Seyran, go ahead and speak. I'm sure you have a lot to tell me. I'm listening."

She does seem to be taken aback for a second, then her anger seems to return in full force.

"Your purpose was to fight against me and Ferit from the beginning, am I correct? You helped me with the university thing just because of this. So that we would fight. And when I asked you to not tell him what I had told you... you went ahead and told him everything at dinner anyway, didn't you? Come on, admit it!"

Everything is about Ferit and her, Kaya thinks. Not a very charitable thought, especially considering that he actually did what she accuses him of. Then again, he doesn't feel particularly charitable towards her at the moment, even less so towards his cousin.

"I won't believe a single word coming out of your mouth again, Kaya," Seyran continues, seemingly even more angry at his silence. "And I for sure don't want you to marry my sister, so you will end this entire ridiculous thing!"

"Ridiculous thing, you say?" he finally speaks out, calmly, stepping in front of Seyran.

"You will not fool me, my friend. I will not be fooled. I'm sure you planned everything with İfakat. You saw a pure girl, didn't you? You saw her, and you decided to fool her, to involve her in your games. You saw she was in need of care and love. You saw her weaknesses and you fooled her. Didn't you? You don't even love her. You don't love her. But I will not allow this. I will not allow it, Kaya! That girl is my soul, my soul, my blood, okay?"

"The girl you are calling your soul and your blood was crying on the terrace this morning because of you," Kaya says, and when Seyran attempts to speak again, he raises his arm. "No. I listened to you until now. You will listen to me now. Because I think you have misunderstood some things, and it's about time to sort this out. And I am only going to say it once, and after that I will ask you not to bother me anymore about this topic. Ever."

He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, then opens them again.

"First of all, it's interesting how you seem to despise İfakat so much, and yet she came into this room just last night to tell me almost the same thing as you. Oh yes," he says, when Seyran's eyes widen in surprise, "yes, she told me that I had to do whatever I could to stop the wedding from happening. And I said to her the exact same thing I will say to you now. No. You talked to her before coming here? I'm sure she neglected to mention this small episode, didn't she?"

"You're making up things now and I told you-"

"Like I said, you are going to listen to me until the end. Whatever your opinion might be about me and my actions - I really don't give a damn. I'm not about to excuse or justify myself in front of you in any way. But if you claim to love your sister, just be quiet and go along with this wedding. You know your father pretty damn well by now. You know he will not budge, and any further protest from you will make things worse for Suna, and very likely for you as well. So don't."

"Is that why you are marrying her?!" Seyran exclaims in disbelief. "Because my father forces you to?"

"For the love of God, Seyran! Your father hit your sister. In front of me. He humiliated her. And you know, I pay attention to my surroundings, to the way people act. To what they say and do. It was not the first time it happened, and it won't be the last either, unless someone puts a stop to it."

At this, Seyran finally falls completely quiet, her lips trembling.

"You spoke to her this morning," Kaya says, after a moment of silence, "but I don't think you actually understood what she was trying to convey, right? It's suffocating, Seyran, you know. To live under the crushing thumb of someone else. To feel like you're unworthy. Like you could disappear forever, and no one would care. You got so used to have her by your side, always in your shadow, that you never stopped to ask yourself whether she wanted more, whether she deserved more. You say you want the best for her, but it is not for you to determine what's best for her. That's for her to decide. Don't ask her to choose between you and what she sees as her only chance to escape the hell she's living. It's a cruel thing to do."

By now, Seyran's eyes are full of tears, any trace of her previous anger gone.

"To answer your question," Kaya adds, not unkindly, "I'm marrying your sister because I want to marry her, and she wants to marry me as well. That's the most important part. That's what you need to tell yourself. That your sister and I took a decision like two responsible adults, and that you need to respect it. That's all there is. And whatever you might think about me, I never lied to her. Speak to her, if you don't believe me. Just don't hurt her anymore."

Seyran quickly wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, seemingly unsure of what to say and do. When she opens her mouth to speak again, Kaya stops her.

"Not to me. Remember. To her."

She nods, turns around, and leaves his room, quietly closing the door.

*

Later, he sees them in the garden, talking.

It doesn't look like a fight.

[skiplo-wave]

I’ve recently discovered a ship that on every surface even I’ll admit is sus to an outside and even inside fandom perspective. Normally I can be like well this reason my ship is fine and your just being annoying when the odd argument or any manifests in my anons or in the tags of my other ships…but like it’s kind of a hard ship to justify outside of being just a little bit of a freak; but hear me out and tell me if you think ive achieved peak “oh no but do you” or can you “see the vision”.

Vold/emort and H/arry Potter the ship. Here’s how it started, I really like this writer who writes for one of my other ships and she is obsessed with Tom-Vol/Harry so I was curious and I read their time travel fic where Harry was stuck hanging out with Tom Ri/ddle in the past in an “oh no I need to go back to the future and not attract the notice of the scary dark lord”;but because Harry kinda can’t help being like your a lying tosser to Tom whose in I’m the perfect student and building a cult mode the young dark lord is like that’s gonna be my wife energy and he’s doing that slow burn corruption and isolation stuff and I’m just like well this is well done and really good and fully my speed.

Then we have another fic because well that first one was so good I found a minister Tom Ridd/le and Auror Harry Po/tter with a sassy your sketchy Mr minister and Tom’s oh whatever could you mean energy and now I’ve read her whole catalogue of fanfics about them and I’m thinking of looking for more.

The question being I haven’t dared reblogging the apparent ridiculous amount of fanart out there for this ship and I’m almost scared to because even though I’m not gonna judge your ships I really don’t need to invite angry antis into my life by openly admitting oh yea this ship. Even I can see the optics on this one. Like I just rewatched the movies and voldy isn’t even a hot snake man he’s just a gross magic racist but damn the Tom Ridd/le cultist with magnetic personality but scary sociopath energy is just a favorite trope and then add Harry’s fuck you prick energy I see through you is just fantastic.

So in your opinion is this the worst ship you’ve ever heard of or am I overthinking my crimes and I won’t immediately go to evil shipper jail and get doxxed.

lol anon people shipped Harry and Voldermot before fandom got so “ hectic”

I dont ship them ( more of fantastic beast fan than Harry Potter lol)

Plus I have seen people ship way worst and not even talking about age gap dynamics. Just do you

They not real the shipping is your Barbie dream house go nuts

[talenlee]

Decemberween 2023 — Nixie IV

Hey, you know Nixie right? I talk about her about once a year, it seems. You know, the one who likes planes. The one who likes guns. The one who watches anime and recommends I check some out. The one who contributed to my Air America article, the one who contributed to the Nicolas Cage Month Con Air article, and the one who has gotten an article multiple Decemberweens in a row now.

It’s not just because I get to use pictures from Ascendance of a Bookworm because they remind me of her.

Anyway, this year, Nixie went to China and became a pirate.

It’s been a year of the social media collapse. Twitter, the place where Nixie and I first found each other, has gone from being a sort of expected ongoing failure everyone participated in to a website that literally pays Nazis for pissing people off, and I was one of those lucky enough to be in a position to easily rip off that particular bandage and extract myself from the place. As far as I know, Nixie hasn’t.

I don’t know.

Nixie has two frontends for making things on the internet, as far as I understand it. She produces stuff on Patreon, and she makes long, long, long threads on twitter. Archiving that twitter is itself a fundamentally challenge thing because like, it’s a thing that needs a specific skill to derive it and another skill to know how to store it for access. And even then you’re not going to rely on people paying attention to what you’re saying, right? The thing Twitter had going for it was that it was a subscription service to Me that everyone could run, which meant that while you may be mixing up a potpourri of whatever immediate concerns or interests you had, the whole space was still a place you could put stuff and that stuff was in a place where other people willingly and openly checked on the regular.

Losing that is a real problem, and it means that I can’t readily point you to just ‘hey, here’s what Nixie’s been up to this year.’ I don’t have it in me to put that all together and I do run a blog where I can put together a bunch of information. Hell, you’re four hundred odd words into this post and it’s just all about how as awful as it is to admit it, I owe Twitter for introducing me to Nixie, and even if I don’t need it to talk to her now, I know that its loss creates a void for Nixie and it’s one she hasn’t yet done anything to address.

I can’t fix that.

I can’t apologise for that, either. I don’t feel bad about using Twitter when I did because, like, it got Nixie into my life and Nixie is a wonderful delight. Even though I know before the point where Twitter sucked complete shit, it still sucked pretty bad and was responsible for a lot of bad things. None of those things are in my grasp.

So I’m just gunna tell you a story.

I’m at the bus stop. It’s a grocery day. I’ve mapped my time properly, but it’s the weekend for me, a Saturday morning. DST hasn’t kicked in yet here or there. I know I’m shaving times a little here. I had to check a few more stores than I normally would and that was frustrating. I mean, it’s the bus, I know the bus is going to happen on its own timing, and this being a weekend, it might be a little late. But that little bit late can create elasticity; there are just fewer buses on the weekend, and that means if something holds one up a bit, then it might take ages for it to catch up.

I could walk home.

It’s not that far.

But if I start on walking home, and I’m not right about that, and this trolley slows me down then I’m going to make the wrong choice and how much am I overly worried about what I’m doing? Why am I so worried about this?

Because I don’t want to miss her recital.

Nixie is getting ready to perform, in a choir, in front of dozens of people. It’s not her first. It’s not going to be her last – at this point, Nixie and I know full well that she wants to do more of this. She loves the recitals, she loves choir, even considering the complications and the challenges getting to go.

And so.

The bus arrives.

I get home in time.

I start the livestream so I can watch my friend performing with her choir, songs I don’t know from cultures I don’t understand and expressing ideas I can’t tell. I have to set up software to record the video, so I can capture her moments. I watch her file into place, I look for her in the big crowd of people, and zoom in and realise what I’m doing. Like, I didn’t grow up in a place with recitals per se. There were one of two but they were like the really privileged kids of architects or something like that in the church. They’d set up basically a unique event for their kid who’d play some piano and we’d all clap and I have no idea why I was there. But that was also the family that could afford a camcorder, and where I could see someone proud of someone they loved, reaching out and trying to make sure that they were there for this moment, they were there to encode and preserve this memory.

Nixie has spent this year learning Chinese, getting another name (ask her about her Chinese name, it’s sick as hell), and learning to sail. She has escaped the internet we know to Touch Grass, and in so doing she has learned more, seen more, and embraced more. She told me about how great the food was in China, about how the exercise excited her, and about how the Great Wall smells. I am not there but I am present, because Nixie has taken her memories, and her stories, and spread them before me to share.

I couldn’t be more proud of her and I want to be there to help encode more and more of those memories.

Sigh. SIGH. GRUMBLE even. Hey, I wrote about how it’s hard to link Nixie’s work? Well, she did that after I wrote this article so here’s a link and anything else that makes no sense in the above is because of that.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[mariatesstruther]

It's because Maria's a hypocrite. Joel, Tommy, Abby, they all acknowledge they've done terrible things, they're monstrous. Abby says flat out she's trash and you can see Scar's flinch away from her in fear. Joel knows he was a terrible person and says his past will catch up to him.

Maria isolates herself inside a little town where she won't let people be armed, excuses her husband's Geneva convention level past away as 'just following after Joel', and openly admits to having people killed and leaving them out to rot as a warning to others (People know only death lays over that river and all) but acts like she's never done anything wrong.

All of them have done terrible shit, she's just the only one who doesn't take accountability for the wrong shit she's done and acts as if she's clean in all of it.

this gif represents my cat getting ready for bedtime on my belly when i suddenly sat up and scared her to type this maria-lovin essay for u anon

okay hi! i respectfully disagree!

on a couple things

“maria isolates herself inside a little town where she won’t let people be armed—,” literally the first shot of maria we have in the show is her outside of jackson, riding a horse pregnant, to greet a pair of strangers who have who-knows-what weapons or bites on them at the present time. jackson, from what we know, is a place where she won’t let children and possibly hostile strangers be armed. i’m pretty sure tommy is packin when we see him walking through jackson, and so are people in the back—and “she won’t let” is also pretty strong phrasing here, at least to me, considering the town has a whole ass council that the show literally tells us makes decisions together

and okay. we’ve talked about the “tommy was following joel” line a couple times here before on this blog, and ive said it every single time that i dont love it either. i haven’t had the time to sit down and explain exactly why, so here goes: i think its too lazy and too quick and a prime example of how the writers could’ve spent a little more time making whatever maria’s perspective what supposed to be more clear. a lot of people read this line as maria completely absolving tommy; i more think of it as maria’s understanding of tommy’s devotion to joel

and wait okay here me out! dont jump me! bc i know u girls like to tussle!—i am not at all saying that tommy was passively following joel, or that tommy wasnt a grown man making his own choices to do what him and joel did, because he was. he is. maria knows that; she is married to tommy and has a child with him, and you think she’s ignorant to the fact that he has the capacity for such violence?? or that she herself wouldn’t understand that, a lot of times, violence necessary to keep yourselves safe (see: “those are the people who tried us” line)?? she’s not trying to say that tommy was an innocent puppy dog happily skipping along at joel’s heels. i don’t personally think that’s what “following joel” means. to me, it means that tommy ended up in a lot of ugly and violent scenarios because he was with joel (+joeltess who were prolly more dangerous together) when joel went dark after losing-sarah

i want to point out here that, between the miller brothers, joel is obviously the more violent and ruthless one—we know from what the show and game tell us, post-sarah joel was the most dangerous motherfucker out there for a long time. i think it’s reasonable to assume that it was easier and more natural and quicker for joel to descend into the kind of violence they did (—the kind of violence necessary to keep them both alive—) than tommy, and tommy “followed” joel in the sense that he “followed joel” into some more violent and ugly and hostile situations than they would’ve gotten into otherwise, because joel was an especially dangerous man

im not saying tommy doesn’t have his own shit or capability for violence btw! he was in the army! he was in the fireflies! i know that and maria know that too. the thing about both those situations, and his situation with joel, is that he actively made a choice to step away everytime. that matters to maria and it is a fundamental characteristic of tommy that joel talks about in the car with ellie (joe calling tommy a “joiner” is also i think a little big of a less shady way of calling him a flake)

and now, tommy has been in jackson for years and expressed that those situations were ones he regrets—ones he expressed to maria that he regrets. what is she gonna do other than understand him???? and why would yall expect her to extend that grace to joel instantly when that makes no narrative sense??? we know as an audience that joel regrets those things now, too, but there’s legitimately no possible way for maria to know that. tommy only knows joel has changed for the better because he sees joel with ellie and it reminds him of joel with sarah—maria doesn’t have that perspective. she’s seeing joel from a limited scope.

i don’t think maria could find it in herself to condemn joel for his capacity for violence, especially not once she knows the truth about he he’s protected ellie. maria is smart—she knows it was joel’s capacity for violence kept tommy and him alive in the QZ. tommy owes joel his life—he knows this, and i truly think maria knows this, too, as much as she doesn’t like it. then, it’s proven to her and solidified when tommy chooses to go with ellie

and these things are all deeply intertwined, because this bleeds directly into why maria would be so initially displeased/scared to have joel around tommy; she knows tommy would do anything, however horrifying or dangerous or ugly, if joel needed him to. that kind of devotion to anyone can be dangerous and sell-destructive, as we see with tommy’s arc trying to avenge joel in game two. maria knows tommy would follow joel anywhere, even away from her. so i humbly ask that you maybe excuse her for being a little defensive and scared of that, as a woman who in 2003 lost literally every single piece family she’s ever had in her life in one go for all we know. maria is not trying to ice joel out because she’s judging him for his past or thinking he taints tommy; it’s because she knows in her heart that tommy loves joel enough to leave anyone, even her, and that likely terrifies her to death—because at this point in the story, she has no idea who joel really is. so she’s grasping at straws to find any and all reasons to confirm her suspicions and not trust him

i also!! think it’s another good time!!! to remind y’all!!!! how sketchy!!!!!!! that joel and ellie situation!!!!! would look!!!! to maria!!!! if she is judging joel for anything, she’s being suspicious of how close he is as a 60+yearold man to this young, highly defensive and secretive twelve year old girl—which is more than fair to me, as ive said before

and look, overall i can understand you having this perspective on maria, because her conversation with ellie about tommy and joel does come off very hypocritical from what we see—but my whole point is, we’ve SO little of her character that it seems very extreme to me that we’re immediately gonna label her a bitch, a hypocrite, and holier-than-thou judgy tyrant with a superiority complex

we’ve seen her have like 5 conversations!!!!! with people she doesn’t trust and barely knows! so of course she’s not going to reveal the horrors of her past or what she might’ve done in her past or how she feels about her past in the context of what we see so far. she only “acts like she hasn’t done anything wrong” and doesn’t take accountability because she hasn’t had the chance to yet

like we know all about joel and tommy and abby’s pasts because they’re our main characters for two entire games. we know maria from jackshit. ellie and joel know maria from jackshit. ofc she’s gonna come off as intruding annoying, because to ellie, she is intruding annoying—but we, as a fandom, aren’t limited to the perspective of a twelve year old girl

[floralseokjin]

⤑ made-up love song ix.

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire. 

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader   au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, angst, soojung and oc’s mother being the best, minor food mention (not feeling hungry when stressed), hope, the tiniest bit of fluff, a cliffhanger of sorts!  words; 6,161 

Read Seokjin’s chapter ix here

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii  • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

Soojung found you curled up on the sofa a few hours later when she came home from work. You’d tried watching television, hoping the distraction would be successful but your mind just wouldn’t switch off, replaying the day’s earlier events. You didn’t want to think just yet but that’s all your mind could do. Going around and around in circles. Hearing Soojung’s keys in the door you felt a wave of nausea knowing you’d have to talk about it. Not that you didn’t want to confide in your best friend, it was just explaining everything meant that it was all real… 

She stuck her head around the door, sounding momentarily confused. “What are you doing back already? I wasn’t expecting you until la– Y/N?” She caught the look on your face immediately and just like she knew something was up. She rushed over. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Instantly you felt your face crumble, tears blurring your vision. “It’s stupid really,” you insisted, wiping your eyes as she came to join you, a protective arm wrapping around your shoulders. The small action at least made you feel a little better. “I don’t understand why I’m crying.” You hadn’t felt the need to cry until now. Maybe it was because you could always be vulnerable with your best friend. You didn’t need to be strong. She’d seen you at your worst. 

“Did…Did you guys argue?” She sounded unsure, confused as to what could be the issue. 

You sniffed, composing yourself. “No. Not really,” you let out a groan, “oh, god, Soo. It was awful. Seokjin’s ex-wife turned up…” 

You spent the next fifteen minutes telling her what happened, although a lot of it was a blur of raised voices and insults. One thing you knew for certain though, was that you’d never felt so awkward in your entire life. You’d watched your boyfriend arguing with his ex-wife feeling so incredibly out of the loop it was embarrassing. 

You’d never demanded to know every single detail about his marriage – you hadn’t even wanted to know. It wasn’t your business after all, nor did you want Seokjin to relive things he didn’t want to, or dwell on the past. You understood that more than anyone, what with your relationship with Donghae, but he’d openly revealed a lot to you. He’d confided in you, shared some hurtful details of his divorce and in turn you had entrusted him with your own past, your own bad memories… 

There had been many surprises this afternoon, but one certain revelation kept replaying in your head. It was all you could think about. To learn he’d left out something as major as getting cheated on… Having to find out like that… You were still reeling from the bombshell. Why hadn’t he told you? You’d both been through the same thing… Didn’t he trust you enough? You didn’t understand and you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling hurt. 

“You don’t think he’s still in love with her, do you?” Soojung asked hesitantly. 

“No,” you shook your head. Regardless of the mess that were your thoughts right now, you didn’t think that at all. Yes, it was easy to let your doubts take over in the first few moments you’d set eyes on Nana, she was beautiful, although you hadn’t expected anything less, but you knew not to feel paranoid when it came to that. Regardless of today’s shock, you didn’t doubt Seokjin’s feelings for you, and you knew very well he no longer loved his ex-wife. 

“I think he’s just very bitter about everything,” you continued. “Mostly about how infrequently she sees Arin.” 

“Do you think it’s a problem?” 

Shrugging slightly, you didn’t really know what to say. “She’s been seeing her quite often lately. There was last weekend, but it shouldn’t have been that much of an issue.” Seokjin hadn’t been angry over that, or at least he hadn’t let on he was… Maybe he had and had just hid it well. With that thought, you remembered something. “It was just her face… while Seokjin was saying all those things to her. She looked so upset… I’ve never seen him like that.” 

It had been jarring seeing him so angry. He was usually soft-spoken and well-mannered. Even when he was irritated he stayed silent. You understood that he was only human, everyone had emotions, and his had bubbled over today, but it was still surprising. You hadn’t been expecting to be in the middle of a shouting match between him and his ex-wife. 

“But you knew they didn’t get on?” Soojung gently prodded, rubbing your upper back. 

“Yeah.” You swallowed. “Just seeing it in person… I can’t believe he didn’t tell her about us.” 

Your mind was all over the place, unable to concentrate on one issue for long enough. You really had been living in your own little world this entire time. So incredibly happy and blissfully content. It had been so easy to forget that Nana existed when it came to your relationship with Seokjin. To you, she was just Arin’s mom, who she spoke about sometimes, but not very often, in your presence. It was easy to put her to the back of your mind, it was easy not to think of her at all. Why would you? You didn’t even know what she looked like until today. All the photos you’d seen of a younger Seokjin, of Arin as a baby, had never once included her. You knew who she was, knew her name, but that was all. 

So you’d just assumed she knew about you too. You’d assumed Seokjin had told her without needing any confirmation. You’d assumed she’d known that you would be looking after Arin last weekend. You’d assumed she was perfectly fine with it. In reality she had no clue you existed. You were almost certain Seokjin hadn’t done it maliciously, he wasn’t that type of man, but seeing him today, how casually he had brushed off her concerns… As much as it had hurt to be thought of as a stranger, you understood why that was the case. Seokjin hadn’t. As stubborn as always, he refused to see where he had done wrong. 

“That is a bit odd,” Soojung agreed. “And even though she was a bitch to you, I guess I’d be pissed too if I found out the way she had.” 

You snorted softly. Soojung had been ready to fight when she’d first heard the things Nana had said to you, but she knew you were fine, you could handle yourself. “Ugh, it’s all such a mess,” you groaned. “I would’ve never looked after Arin last weekend if I’d known Nana had no clue.” You should have made sure. Why hadn’t you?

“I guess Seokjin had his reasons,” Soo reasoned. “Maybe he knew how his ex would react.” 

“Maybe,” you agreed before sighing. “I don’t know. There’s things he never told me either.” Maybe you were finding out that Seokjin was a very secretive person, who knew… “She cheated on him, Soo.” You were back there again. Soojung hummed in understanding. “Is it silly of me to be upset?” 

“No, it’s valid.” 

“I told him about Donghae,” you whispered. “I really opened up to him and he was so sweet and understanding. Why didn’t he tell me he’d been through the same thing?” No matter how many times you went through it in your head you couldn’t think of an answer. It didn’t make sense. Especially because he’d opened up to you so easily in regard to everything else. What made this so different?

“Maybe he just didn’t want to make it about him,” Soojung offered. 

“I don’t know… Maybe.” You groaned, thinking you were being selfish. He probably had a good reason when he didn’t tell you. There were more pressing issues right now anyway… You knew that, and immediately your head begin to spin again. 

“The whole stepmom thing,” you muttered, “it’s left me a little frazzled.” 

Soojung kept up with your disorderly thoughts expertly. “In what way?” 

You gave a little shrug, voice barely there because you didn’t want to admit it out loud. “It made me question things…”

“I thought you liked where things were heading?” Your best friend couldn’t hide the shock from her voice. 

“I do,” you replied, “or at least, I did.” Where were things actually heading? You didn’t know anymore. “I just wasn’t really thinking.”

“Of what it all meant?” 

You nodded slowly. “I lost myself for a while.” 

In a way, you had been in your own little bubble for these past few months – you, Seokjin and Arin. You’d had the most amazing summer, falling harder and harder for Seokjin and in the process Arin had captured your whole heart. She was such a sweet little girl, humorous and thoughtful, Seokjin and Nana had brought her up well. Your time together had been incomparable, your happiness unmatched, but in the process you’d ignored a few things. 

“So what are you saying?” Soojung asked gently. 

Your throat felt dry. “I’m afraid it’s all moving too fast.” 

It was a lot to take in. You had been together barely four months but here you were thinking about the word stepmom. How scary the word sounded, how scary it felt…

“You want to slow it down?”

“It’s probably too late for that,” you chuckled quietly. You felt your heart squeeze. “Soojung, I think I’m in love with him.” 

It felt almost relieving to confess such a thing, despite your heavy heart over today. Your feelings had been harder and harder to ignore these past couple of weeks, but you’d tried your best, not wanting to rush anything. Right now you were confused and hurt, but one thing was blatantly clear. You loved him. 

“It’s scary,” you whispered, feeling Soo rub your back again, listening silently. “Falling so fast.” Especially after everything you’d been through with Donghae. You were scared. Despite opening up your heart to Seokjin easily, this was different. Things seemed so complicated now, when not six hours ago they had been nothing more than simple. 

“Today was a massive reality check,” you scoffed. “I’ve been spending these past few months playing house with Seokjin and Arin, it was bound to catch up with us sometime.” 

“You liked it though,” your best friend encouraged, voice gentle. “I’ve never seen you so happy… Not since… Well, not even then.” 

“Everything just felt so… perfect,” you agreed. Everything had slotted into place easily. “And natural, and just, nice.” For lack of a better word. Your brain was pulp. 

“Arin obviously felt comfortable enough to call you her stepmom in front of her own mom?” You didn’t even notice Soojung’s change of direction. 

“I don’t know, I think she was just confused. You know what kids are like together. She heard her friend talking about it and they probably got excited.”

“Would you like to be her stepmom?”

You paused then, realising what had just happened. She knew you well, knew what was bothering you, conflicting your mind. You gave her a small smile. “She’s a sweet child, but it’s not that simple right now. It’s not only my decision either.” 

Truthfully you hadn’t thought about it before today, but now it was one of the things at the forefront of your mind. If everything worked out okay then you and Seokjin would only grow more serious. From strength to strength and what did that mean? However, now you knew that Nana wasn’t exactly your biggest fan… You felt fresh frustration, deflated yet again. Today had gone terrible. 

“You’re right,” Soojung agreed, “but it’s something you need to be comfortable with too.” 

That was true. These were things you needed to talk about with Seokjin. Then again, maybe you should’ve talked about them before. You had no clue how he felt regarding the topic, well… not explicitly anyway. 

“Seokjin comparing the both of us made me feel horrendous.” You found yourself admitting. “I’m not trying to be Arin’s mother. I wasn’t even trying to be her stepmother. Not yet. I haven’t thought about it until now. I just… I loved being a part of her life in my own little way.” 

You never wanted to replace Nana. You hated thinking like this, but what if Seokjin had been looking for that the whole time? A new mother for his daughter… You were almost positive that wasn’t the case, but you were so drained right now, your mind was all over the place. You kept replaying in your head what he had shouted at Nana over and over again. 

“He can’t expect you to take on that role, not when she already has a mother,” Soojung said carefully. “But you can be there for Arin in other ways – in similar ways. You’ve been teaching and caring for kids for years, so I hope you’re not undermining your capabilities.” 

You smiled then, grateful, leaning on her shoulder. “Thank you.” You definitely weren’t doing that but being a teacher and a mother were two totally different things. Especially when it wasn’t your biological child. 

“Ugh, I’m just exhausted,” you groaned, laying back against the sofa and shutting your eyes. “My head’s a mess.” You didn’t want to talk about it any longer, switching off sounded really good right now and Soojung understood that perfectly. 

She tapped your arm. “I’m going to cancel my plans with Tae.” You opened your eyes, mouth open ready to fight. “He’ll be fine.” She insisted. “Me and you are gonna get takeout and ice cream and just stop thinking. We’re going to pull the One Tree Hill boxset out and pretend we’re still in high school.” 

You weren’t going to lie, that did sound like fun. It was also foolproof. You’d been doing it since you were seventeen, when Soojung had got dumped for the first time. “Great idea.” 

She leaned in for a hug. “You told him you need space to think, so that’s what you’re going to do. But not tonight. No rush.” 

As she pulled back you took her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “I love you.” 

“And I love you,” she grinned. “Now, let me grab my phone.”  

You woke up early the next morning, like really early, 5am, which wasn’t ideal seeing as you’d struggled to get to sleep the night before. Your mind and heart felt heavy, but you forced yourself to get up and shower because there was no point trying to fall back to sleep for an hour. You had school, and that meant you had to try your best to look presentable for the kids – and happy. A bunch of 6-7 year olds were scarily talented at reading an adult’s mood you’d come to find out. 

You didn’t eat much of your breakfast, which wasn’t a surprise because when you were stressed or sad you never felt practically hungry anyway, and left for work long before Soojung even had a chance to wake up, thinking your classroom so early in the morning might give you some sense of clarity. Either that or stop the buzzing of your thoughts that couldn’t seem to keep away. The change of scenery would hopefully do you some good.   

You were at your desk trying to organise your planner for the week ahead, 7:04am, when your cell phone began buzzing. You looked across at the device, face up a few inches away from you and felt your stomach squeeze. Filling the screen was a picture of Seokjin and you at an amusement park he’d dragged you to over the summer, like the big kid he was at heart. Seeing his smiley face made your heart hurt. You thought about leaving it ring, you could pretend you were busy and let him leave a message, but no matter how much you wanted to do it, you couldn’t. 

The phone felt heavy in your hand as you picked up. Your voice didn’t sound like yours. “Hello.” 

“Y/N,” he breathed, sounding somewhat relieved. You had taken a while to make your decision. “Are you free to talk?”

He sounded tired and unlike his usual self, and a part of you wanted to rush over and talk to him in person, to check in on him and see how he was doing, because as much as yesterday hadn’t been nice for you, it hadn’t been too great for him either… However, you knew that was a bad idea, you’d said you had needed time. A few hours wasn’t that. 

“Um, yeah,” you replied, opening your mouth again to remind him about what you’d said yesterday, but already he was rushing forward, eager to say his piece. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call last night, I guess… I guess I needed time too.” He sounded hesitant, and you didn’t have the heart to tell him you had never been expected (nor wanting) a phone call. “Do you want to meet up for lunch?”

Your voice was gentle. “I don’t think that’s a good idea today.” Maybe he’d misunderstood you, you needed longer, besides, things weren’t going to get sorted out in under an hour during your lunch break from work. It wasn’t as simple as that – you wished it was. 

There was a pause his side, then – “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

“Seokjin, I’m not mad,” you sighed softly. “I’m just…” What were you? Frustrated more than anything. It was hard to explain. In a way you felt sorry for him, but you also felt sorry for Nana. “I have a lot of questions that I don’t think I’m ready to ask just yet.” 

His voice was careful as he asked you, “When do you think you will be ready?”

“I don’t know,” you told him truthfully. “I need time to think and it’s pretty hard when I have work all week.” Neglecting your job was foolish – impossible to think of, actually. 

“I understand.” Of course he did. He was nothing but understanding when it came to you and your relationship together. That’s the Seokjin you knew and adored… the one you loved… 

“Is Arin okay?” You found yourself asking. You knew you should probably say your goodbyes, but you’d woken up feeling terribly guilty that you’d just upped and left her like that yesterday. “I’m sorry I ran off without saying goodbye to her.” 

“She’s doing okay, I tried telling…” He trailed off suddenly, and you guessed he thought he was overstepping the mark. The mark you’d put in place. “She asked where you went, I said something came up.” 

“Oh.” You’d thought about popping your head around the door and saying goodbye yesterday but just couldn’t do it. You hated to think she’d thought you had left her too. “I really am sorry about that.”  

“Y/N, it’s fine. Please never be sorry,” he murmured softly. 

You smiled sadly at his sentiment. “Are you okay?” You shouldn’t really ask, not when you needed to hang up and take that space you both needed, but you couldn’t help yourself. It felt wrong not to check in. 

“Could be better,” he chuckled slightly. You appreciated his honesty. “You?” 

“The same.” There was no point pretending. “I think some space will do us good. Let’s just think about everything and then we can talk.” 

“Okay,” he agreed simply. There wasn’t much else he could say. If he disagreed in any way you knew he would never tell you. He wanted to respect your wishes. 

“I’ll call you towards the end of the week?” You could get through the work week, have some time to yourself in the evenings and then meet up on Saturday. 

“Yeah, that sounds good. I agree.” Yet, he sounded a little dejected. 

“Okay.” You had to leave it at that. “I gotta go,” you told him, even though you were in no rush to leave for work, already in your classroom. 

“Of course, bye, Y/N.” You heard some background noise and then a familiar voice in the background – Misook. As it was for you, life went on. Arin had to get ready for school, he had to get ready for work… You couldn’t both wallow in self-pity all day. “Take care,” he told you. It sounded awkward, as if he didn’t know what to say. 

“Bye, Seokjin.” You felt just the same. Even right at the beginning your phone conversations had never been this wooden. 

You hung up first, and then there was silence, except for the ticking of the clock on the wall opposite. You watched the red second hand move, feeling as if it was mocking you.

The week was slow. It was an average one, but it dragged by. On Monday you had to sit through the usual chitchat inside the teacher’s lounge during lunch, catching up on everyone’s weekends. When Eunbi asked how yours had gone you’d breezed past it, expertly changing the subject to her weekend visiting Jungkook’s parents. Other than that, there was really no need for Seokjin to come up in conversation, which you were thankful for. You spent the rest of the week busy with the children, staying behind a lot later than usual just because it was easier inside your classroom. 

At home you found yourself missing Seokjin like crazy. Ever since your first date you’d been in regular contact throughout the week, and then when things had gotten serious, you’d spoken to him every day – even if it was just on the phone in the evenings once school started back. For all contact to be gone was strange. You hated it, felt as if a part of you was missing. But you knew it needed to be done. As the days went (dragged) by you no longer felt overwhelmed by Sunday’s events. The shock had worn off and you had time to dissect it all, whether it be over dinner on your own when Soo was working late, or when you were in bed for the night, waiting to drop off. The more you broke it down the easier it was to place things in different categories. All the things that had shocked you, the things that had hurt you, and then finally, the things that had made you feel guilty. 

On Thursday night you promised your mom you’d have dinner with her. Jonathon was abroad visiting his children and she hadn’t been able to get time off work to join him. She was bored at home all alone, so you really couldn’t say no despite a part of you wanting to. Before you arrived you’d made the decision not to tell her about your…what could you call it? It was hardly an argument with Seokjin. A disagreement..? Whatever it was, you didn’t want to worry her. After all this time she was over the moon you’d finally met someone you really cared about and you knew it was stupid, but you didn’t want to make her worry.  

However, that all went out the window as soon as she opened the door to you. She was your mom for crying out loud, who could you confide in if it wasn’t her? She listened to you attentively. All your thoughts, all your worries – even if the potatoes were at risk of cremating, and it felt good to have your mother by your side. 

“Seokjin is a lovely man, anyone can see that, but he’s allowed his flaws. He’s only human,” she reasoned, your conversation coming back to the way he’d acted around Nana. You knew your mother was right, and you were in no way judging him for it, but it had been very jarring seeing him change so suddenly. “Obviously he and his ex-wife bring out the worst in each other. Sounds to me as if they’re so used to hurting one another it’s become the norm.” 

You nodded in silent agreement, thinking back to them hurling abuse at one another as if it was the most natural thing. In a way it had turned into a competition. Who could hurt one other the most. In the end, Seokjin had dealt the final blow. You. You could still see the hurt on Nana’s face now, even though it was days ago. It made your chest heavy all over again. You told your mom just as much. 

“There’s no need to feel so guilty, love,” she told you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “None of this is your fault. Seokjin, whether it was intentionally or unintentionally, used you as a way to hurt Nana, and you need to tell him that you’re not okay with that.” 

That was the part that had hurt the most now that you’d had enough time to think. Above all else, not telling Nana about you, the catalyst that led to his divorce, it was being used as some kind of weapon that stuck out. You had never wanted that. You had never asked for it. 

“You are his girlfriend first and foremost.” Your mom continued. “Yes, you care for Arin but these things need to be spoken about first. You have never wanted to be, nor felt like you were the child’s mother. You know your boundaries and so should he.” 

She was correct. You’d been so hesitant not to overstep the mark these past few months. You’d even been in two minds whether or not to offer to babysit Arin that weekend. You’d thought Seokjin understood that, your cautiousness when it came to the role you played in her life. After all, your relationship was still new, and Nana was very much a part of Arin’s life. However he had disregarded that all to throw a few cheap shots. 

Your conversation shifted to Arin then. It was easy to sympathise with her, after all you’d been in her shoes once. Parents who seemed to fight more than they did talk. It had gotten better for you though, their relationship turning amiable once the divorce had settled. For Arin, it seemed to be only getting worse. You wished you could talk some sense into Seokjin. He might’ve thought that Arin was okay with her parents barely having any contact but you knew that wasn’t the case. It had been very telling to hear that Arin never brought Seokjin up in conversation with her own mother. That’s why it had taken Nana so long to find out about you. Deep down that little girl knew that her mom didn’t want to hear her dad’s name, and that was heart breaking. 

Somewhere along the way, your mom asked you what you thought about Arin calling you her stepmother. Despite it being done innocently, the weight of the word meant so much more to the adults in the situation and you agreed. It had been strange to hear, and not just because it had come from Nana’s mouth. You were serious about Seokjin and could see a future with him, and that meant being in Arin’s life permanently. That word wasn’t so farfetched and you’d had plenty of time to think about it this week. What it meant for you, Arin, and of course Nana. 

“How did you feel when dad first met Dahae?” You asked your mom. These things had never really come up in conversation before, which was surprising, but right now you needed any advice and insight you could get. Your mom had been in Nana’s shoes once after all. All those years ago. 

“I was…happy for him,” she replied hesitantly. “It took time. It’s a confusing thing. I no longer loved your father but it felt strange to see him with someone else. Of course, everyone is different. Not one relationship is the same,” she added. 

You nodded in understanding. Your father had met Dahae, his wife, when you were twelve. You had grown up with her and it didn’t feel odd to think of her as a second mom. You still called her by her name but when in conversation with others you often referred to her as your stepmom. Always had, for as long as you could remember. Maybe it was after the wedding, but you couldn’t be too sure. Definitely before she gave birth to your siblings though. 

It was different with Jonathon. He’d always been “your mother’s husband” and not because you didn’t care for him or think he was a lovely man. He was, and you liked him very much, it was just… You were an adult when you met him, twenty to be exact, living across the country for college. The bond wasn’t quite there like it was with Dahae, but your mom understood that – so did Jonathon. But it made you pause and think. You’d never asked your mom how she felt hearing you call Dahae your stepmother. It had never crossed your mind until now. 

“I didn’t like the idea at first, I have to admit, but who would?” She confessed. “It’s hard not to feel hurt or threatened, a whole load of different emotions,” she gave a small shrug, “but meeting Dahae, and seeing how kind a woman she was, and how much you meant to her made me see things differently.” 

You smiled, silently hoping that one Nana would think and feel the same way when it came to you. You could only cross your fingers and try your best in the meantime. 

Your mom nudged you, a playful lilt to her voice. “I think you’re very lucky to have two wonderful women in your life that love you and want the best for you – and yes, that’s a brag on my part.” 

You laughed with her, but your worries were getting the best of you again, turning you sombre. “What if Nana never accepts me though?” 

“I think you should only think about that if it happens,” she replied. “There’s no point expecting the worst right now.” 

You still didn’t feel very hopeful though, it was probably written all over your face. Sweeping some hair out of your eyes, your mother’s voice was soft. “Love, she had no idea you existed, I think her anger was warranted.” A pause, tone changing. “Although, not at you. I’m not very happy about that.” 

You chuckled at that. “It’s fine. You know I can look after myself.” You were feisty when you wanted to be, or scrappy as Seokjin had so comically put it once. 

Wrapping an arm around you once more, she squeezed you gently. “Talk to him.” She urged. “You miss him. This time apart is getting pointless, you already know how you feel.” 

You did. Your feelings were as strong as ever. 

You had been itching to pick up the phone last night and just call him already, but you’d said Saturday. You only had one day left at work, you could hold out until then. It would be better that way, you didn’t want to interrupt a potentially busy day. Friday’s were often crazy for him, you didn’t want to be a distraction. 

However, come morning break you bumped into Hoseok coming out of your classroom, eager to rush to your car and grab the apple that must have rolled out of your bag and onto the seat. (Hopefully – if it was on the floor it was going in the trash ASAP). 

“Hi, Y/N. How are you today?” He politely asked. 

“Fine, thank you.” Talking with Hoseok always came easily, regardless of his position as the principal. “Glad it’s the weekend tomorrow. How about you?” 

“My thoughts exactly,” he laughed, before adding, “Although, I hear Arin’s started hers early.” 

“Oh?” You were immediately lost. Had you missed something? You hadn’t seen Arin at school all week, which wasn’t strange. Your paths rarely crossed these days unless you were on yard duty, and if you were being honest, you were glad it hadn’t been this week. She must have had an inkling something was wrong right now, she hadn’t seen you at all since Sunday, so you were relieved to know you didn’t have to answer any awkward questions. It was selfish, you knew that, but you couldn’t help it. 

Hoseok looked confused by your reaction, but carried on regardless, shaking it off. “Seokjin called up yesterday, said she’d be visiting her mom earlier this weekend if it was possible. I figured maybe you and he had plans for tonight.” 

You froze, forcing yourself to reply because your boss was waiting for one. “Oh, no.” You swallowed, coming up blank. “No plans.” 

If Hoseok noticed your woodenness he didn’t let on. “One day couldn’t possibly hurt her education, right? But don’t tell the board I said that,” he added with a laugh. 

You made yourself join in, although your mind was racing. “Secret’s safe with me.” 

He smiled at you, giving you a nod. “Enjoy your weekend, alright? See you Monday.” 

Thank God he had somewhere to be. You nodded back, watching him already begin to walk away. “And you, Hoseok.” 

You proceeded to sit in your car for twenty minutes, half eaten apple already turning brown as you racked your brain. It wasn’t Nana’s weekend to have Arin. Was something wrong? You were probably being silly, conjuring up the worst case scenarios for no reason. If something had happened, Seokjin would have contacted you. He knew he could always count on you, but… You had told him you needed space and he’d agreed. He was a man of his word, so if something had happened, what if he thought he couldn’t call you?

You pulled your phone out of your bag at the thought, clicking on his contact but stopped yourself when you saw the time. You had just under five minutes to be back at class… I’m being irrational, you told yourself. If something was wrong he would have informed Hoseok, and the principal sounded absolutely fine. You were worrying for no reason. If something had happened, something bad, he wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to you. You knew that, and so did he. Only a few more hours and you’d get to talk to him. Most of those involved sleep. You could wait until tomorrow morning. You could. 

.

.

You couldn’t. 

It was half 9 and you were home alone. It was Soojung and Taehyung’s date night and she was spending the night at his place, so all you had for company were your own thoughts – and RJ, the alpaca plush Seokjin had won for all those months previous. You couldn’t possibly wait until tomorrow, your mom was right, what was the point in waiting when you knew how you felt. You wanted to see Seokjin, to talk to him and feel him. You missed him like crazy. 

Turning the television down low you grabbed for your phone which had slipped in between the sofa cushions. This time you didn’t hesitate, no work commitments calling your name, and dialled Seokjin’s number straight away. He picked up after only two rings. 

 “Y/N,” he breathed, sounding more than surprised. 

“Hey, you,” you smiled into the receiver. It felt good to hear his voice again. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to call tonight.” 

“Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” 

“Of course not. Well,” he paused to laugh, “I was just about to head to bed.” 

He sounded a lot like his usual self tonight, it eased your mind. You laughed along softly, a confession slipping past your lips. “I was going to wait until tomorrow but Soojung is with Taehyung tonight and being alone means I can’t stop thinking about you.” 

You heard a sigh of relief his end. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all week.” The longing in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. “Are you ready to talk? I’m willing to answer any questions you have.” 

“I’m ready,” you nodded. “Should I come over? I don’t want to do this over the phone.” 

“I can come to you?” He suggested instead. “Arin’s with Nana until Sunday.” 

“Oh.” You thought to ask him how come, but stopped yourself, you could get to that in person. He didn’t sound upset, which you took as a good sign. “Okay. Now?” 

“It’s not too late?” He checked. 

“No, it’s fine.” You were eager, shaking you head as you replied, and you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. “I really want to see you.” 

You could hear his smile too. “I’ll be there soon, okay? Really soon.” You heard his footsteps along the floor, the sound of a drawer opening as if he was finding something to wear. 

“Don’t speed,” you added, as a joke more than anything. 

“Of course I won’t,” he laughed. “I’m going to hang up now but I won’t be long.” 

“Okay, see you soon, Seokjin.” It was silly, but you didn’t want the phone call to end even though in under half an hour he’d be here. 

But you could be patient. 

You could. 

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

[fill-me-with-your-memes-daddy]

Watching the Rise of the Titans movie and I'll be documenting all of my thoughts/reactions here. [Spoiler Warning]

So instead of reblogging every new update, I'm just going to have this post up on my phone as I watch and type my reactions in a bullet list format.

Nari's human disguise is so cute. As someone who does have a cottagecore aesthetic, I want to cosplay her so bad

Are Skrael and/or Belroc non-binary coded? Regardless, I'm also obsessed and I want to fuck Skrael and be Belroc.

STEVE CARING ABOUT JIM BEING HURT YESSSS!!! My god his redemption has probably been one of the greatest there is because he doesn't just suddenly go from being a bully to a completely good person. You can see the gradual shift in learning better throughout the shows which is awesome.

IN NEW YOOOOOOORRRRRRRK!!!!!! CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

The mugshot montage reminded me of season 1 of trollhunters when toby and Jim were arrested at the museum.

STRICKLER PUT A RING ON IT??? HE'S THE ONLY DILF IVE EVER ACTUALLY AGREED WAS HOT WYM I CAN'T HAVE HIM??? well I'm still really happy about his arc over the series probably one of my favorite character growths.

Eli my guy got his growth spurt!!! As an 18 year old who is still 5'0", I'm happy but envious for him

So I went into this movie without watching any trailers or promo, but I doubt anything could have prepared me for the existence of mpreg. In fact, I wasn't going to document my reactions until I saw that.

NAMURA!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED!!!!!! I CAN STILL THIRST FOR YOU WITHOUT GUILT

The coach teacher just called the kids zoomers so I have to dock one point from my final rating just because of that. Unforgivable

Those husky animation models suck lmao

Oh fuck the titans got power ranger zords!!

God why did they include the mpreg??? This movie would have been perfect without it.... After that plot point being revisited only one time I'm already beyond done with it

Like it's bringing me back to the v*ltron days where they're was a suspiciously high amount of klance omegaverse and mpreg fics and art created and it physically hurts because Steve and Keith's voice actor is the same person meaning this is especially cursed to me since I was unfortunately in the v*ltron fandom and remember all of that

But like on another note, how old are these characters again??? I haven't checked any wikis because of spoilers but is Steve an adult??? I know aja might be technically a lot older than 18 because alien but is whatever age she is equivalent to an adult as far as emotionally and physically in Akaridion development??? IS THIS A TEEN (M)PREGNANCY IN A KIDS SHOW????

Like bruh I saw a singular post on here before going into the movie that was like "rott spoilers without context" and there was a pregnant belly but I was absolutely not expecting the actual context of it. I'll find the post after I finish and edit this post to tag the creator right here: @makoden

This entire post is just gonna be me ranting about mpreg huh

Anyway I love the whole roundtable allusion to the legends of king arthur (not the toa version but the one he's based off)

THERE'S 3 TO 5 BABIES????? I need to take a break bruh this is just too much

Alright I've taken a 30 minute break got some food and did some things i love (decompressed by tactile stimming with some owl plushies and watched some videos on my favorite owl, Garu. He lives in Japan with his owner and is a domesticated eagle owl who basically just acts like a sky cat. If anyone else needs some eye bleach, here is their YouTube channel)

Blinky and ARRRGHHH!!! saying their "if one of us doesn't make it" talk my god one of them is going to die I can see it and I will be utterly crushed. Jim can't lose another father figure and Toby can't lose his wingman again I will riot if this happens

On a similar but unrelated to the movie note, can we just talk about how toa started with Jim having 0 dads and (if strickler and blinky live to the end) will end with 2 dads? Like I just really feel happy for him that he has two dads who actually figured out how to put the past behind them to not have any infighting between them so that both of them are healthy father figures. Jim has already been through literal hell and back losing his actual humanity in the process so if he loses one of them, I'm going to be really pissed because at this point, this is just Jim torture porn. Y'all know how as SpongeBob SquarePants went on, the show just became Squidward torture porn? It's starting to feel that way for toa and I really hope they cut the shit by the ending

Jlaire is such a good ship but like I feel like it's too perfect they never disagree with each other

YESSSSSSS Someone finally doesn't treat toby like a fat waste of space who messes stuff up!!! I think out of all the characters that would have been most deserving of a rewrite, it's Toby. Sometimes I just feel he's only comic relief and any heartfelt moments he's had in the series was also born of stupidity (ie his flour baby project being unharmed was seen by him as divine intervention from his parents but was actually just Eli and Steve behind the scenes).

Ohhhhh yesssssss Archie's father!!! I was hoping I'd see him again because we got so little of him last

Ooooooooooh Asian trollmarket!!!!!

Oh never mind slavery trollmarket

Bruh titanic camelot

I feel like we're not seeing enough of the villains because I completely forgot about the power ranger zord things

NAMORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LAST CRUSHHHH

STRICKLER NO NOT YOU TOO PLEASE

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS I SIMP FOR ON THIS SHOW DIED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

THAT WHOLE ASS RANT I WROTE IS COMING TRUE FUCK THIS MOVIE THIS SERIES IS JUST JIM TORTURE PORN

WAIT JIM'S SPERM DONOR INFO?

Oh thank God I don't want to know anything about that person

For the record, I call that man Jim's sperm donor because he has no business being called a father to him. All he did was donate some swimmers to the creation of him and give him abandonment issues

Oh another blind troll elder???? This fucker is just if vendel was a bad guy

Bruh I was grieving

PACIFIC RIM WITH GUN ROBOT VEX AND THE BELROCZORD? I've never seen that movie but I know the reference

Bruh Blinky doesn't read horoscopes? Does he realize conspiracy theories are just the manly version of horoscopes?

NO DON'T KILL VEX STOP KO-ING FOUND FAMILY MEMBERS

Oh thank God he's okay

NO NOT ARCHIE AND CHARLEMAGNE OH MY GOD

oh never mind they're just gonna coup de tat I believe in them :))

But I want to see him again

But I'm glad to see vex

Yay they're in arcadia!

But yeah I wondered why the trolls and Merlin didn't keep the whole "daylight doesn't hurt trolls" feature from the eternal night but now Guillermo del Toro I see you were playing the long con in that just to kill my girl Namora :(((

Oooooh I love the animation of the Narizord over Chihuahua!! It looks very good and realistic (if only they could have put some of that into those huskies from before smh)

Bruh the character designs of the arcane order are so good I want to be them

Nari making sure the Skraelzord doesn't crush the bus

DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE

Bruh I'm just glad we finally have an answer on why arcadia had everything going on as opposed to literally anywhere else!! I always found that as a weird coincidence for plot convince.

BRUH WERE BACK TO THE MPREG IM SO JEALOUS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LOVELIES.

Oh that's real convenient that the ninth configuration meant all of them. Way to not decide which character gets more attention. Though it probably was a smart way to not have any infighting in the fandom between each character's stan group.

Bruh I just realized where is Barbera did they just ditch her on the Camelot ship???

And where are the other trolls that migrated at the end of trollhunters s3? They said something about new jersey but obviously Jim and the other main characters got on Camelot instead.... This feels like a plot hole

And we never learned the process of how changelings are made and bonded to humans and stuff. We just know it's super painful but I'm curious ffs!!!!

THE DONT THINK BECOME HERO SPEECH ALL SAID TOGETHER!!!

BRUH THEY REALLY HAD TO SHOW HIM GIVING BIRTH??????? WAS THAT AN ABSOLUTE MUST??????

Plus the main audience for this series is little children (the rating for the movie is literally TV-Y7) so even though my adult ass is not in the target audience, I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD MPREG AND ANAL BIRTH WOULD BE AN IMPORTANT THING TO 7 YEAR OLDS???? THIS IS A LITERAL FETISH HIDDEN IN KIDS CONTENT ITS ELSAGATE ALL OVER AGAIN Y'ALL 😭😭😭😭😭

Though it's probably hypocritical of me to think fetishes don't belong in kids tv when I've openly admitted to thirsting for strickler and namora

HUZZAH

NEW AMULET WAZ GOOD????

STAB THAT BITCH JIM

WAIT NO I SAID STAB NOT GET STABBED

Alright good job just missed the directions at first but you fixed it

SEVEN KIDS?????????

T O B Y ????????????

W A I T NO

N O

IS HE ACTUALLY

OH MY GOD THERE'S HOPE

NO THERE ISN'T

F U C K THIS SHIT THEY REALLY JUST HAD HIM TO BE BULLIED THEN KILLED

Y'ALL IM ACTUALLY CRYING THIS NEVER HAPPENS

I NEVER ACTUALLY GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER MEDIA THAT I CRY IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AT THE END OF VOLTRON BUT AHHHHHHHH

W A I T

HE'S GONNA BE BROUGHT BACK?????

HOLD UP THEY'RE JUST GONNA BRING ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE BACK??????

WAIT IS HE

BLINKY CALLED HIM A SON

HOLD ON IS THIS GOING TO BE A CLIFFHANGER???????????

BRUH THEY REALLY JUST CAN'T END THE SERIES WITHOUT CLIFFHANGERS like there's always an open ending

TROLLHUNTER TOBY????? You know what forget the whole rants I had on how toby was written they just redeemed it all

And that's all! I'd rate it a 6.5/10 because it's definitely the weakest of all the sequels but still had amazing animation and some good plot points. It's just really hard to look over the bad stuff enough to rate it any higher.

[buckyownsmylife]

daddy issues - chapter iv

The one where Ransom doesn’t feel ready to become a father, but he should have thought about it before sleeping with a complete stranger.

When Ransom’s latest one night stand lets him know that he’s going to become a father, he finds himself looking for the qualities he never believed to have so he can become the parent he never got to witness as a child.

for general warnings and author’s notes, please go to the fic’s masterlist. It’s being constantly updated and if you’d like to be tagged on my following Chris Evans and characters stories, just fill out this form.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Okay, I’m here now. What was the important thing you had to tell me about?” Ana’s arrival startled me, and I almost spilled some of the hot chocolate I had been clinging to like a lifeline while I waited for her arrival. I’d never been one to really crave the sweet drink when it wasn’t near Christmas, but I guess things really were starting to feel different now.

I took a deep breath while I waited for my friend to place her order, trying to get my nerves in check. It’d been a few hours since I stormed out of Ransom’s office and I still felt my heartbeat slightly out of pace, begging me to look for dangers lurking in the shadows that weren’t really there.

This would be my first time telling someone who was already a part of my life about the new one I was supposed to bring into the world. Ana was a mock test for how I would tell my parents about the baby, and the fact that apparently, there would be no other parent in sight.

The thought had me looking at my phone, as if some part of me was still waiting for Ransom to reach out. It’d only been half a day. It was okay if he needed more time to figure things out - this wasn’t exactly easy news to bear, I would know. It took me more than a few hours to process everything. 

But still, I was surprised that there was a part of me that believed he would actually want to be a part of this. I didn’t know a lot about him, but from what I did read while searching for his work address, he didn’t seem like the type of guy who would bother showing up as a parent.

“Hello? Are you still there?” Once again I was awakened from my thoughts by Ana’s sweet voice, this time paired with a concerned face. “Okay, now I’m worried. What is it exactly that you need to tell me? Did something happen?”

Okay, here it goes.

“I’m pregnant.”

After the understandable fit of laughter when she immediately assumed I was joking, the following guilty apology for not believing in me and the incessant questioning about how the situation had come to be, I was finally done talking and the reality of what was happening seemed to finally be settling in on her.

“Oh my God, you’re actually pregnant. With Ransom Drysdale’s baby.” Instinctively, my hands covered my belly, even though it was in no way, shape or form, any different from how it looked like just a month ago.

“Excuse me? I’m pregnant with my own child. Ransom might choose to be a part of it, but it’s still mine, I’m not just a carrier for his genes.” Something in the look she sent me had my insides freezing, and I immediately felt vulnerable. “What?”

She opened her mouth to answer, but seemed to think better and shook her head, looking down at her drink instead, but I needed to know. So I reached out and put my hand over hers, so she’d know to look me in the eye again. “What?” I repeated, and even though she took a deep breath to gather her courage, she ended up spilling out anyway.

“I just don’t think you should get your hopes up about him wanting to be a part of this, that’s all.” The sentence surprised me, even though I wasn’t getting my hopes up anyway. It just seemed like there was something she knew, something that made her 100% certain about him not deciding to call me that had my stomach in knots.

It seemed like, even though I didn’t want to admit it, the thought of doing this completely alone terrified me.

“Why?” Again, Ana seemed to hesitate. Still, it seemed like she knew this was something I needed to hear, because after taking a sip of her drink, she launched right at it.

“He’s just not the type, hun. You just moved here, so you don’t know, but he’s always been a screw-up. Everyone was so surprised when he actually decided to settle down with his trust fund, playboy lifestyle and assume his grandfather’s company. I still don’t think he actually works there, anyway. He’s probably just the face of the business, so he’d stop openly doing stuff that’d hurt his family’s name.”

I had heard of Ransom before, of course - hence why the name was recognizable to me that morning at his place. Right after I moved, his takeover became the main story in the local news, and the way it was portrayed by the press made it very clear that the surprising aspect of it was how this wasn’t something to be expected of him. But I thought the bad parts of his story had been a thing of the past - he was a man now. I mean, I never would have slept with him if he wasn’t so clearly older than thirty, maybe even thirty-five. Just how immature could a man in that age really be?

Apparently, a lot. Ana told me as much about his not-so-ancient past as she possibly could, before she had to leave to get ready for a date, and then I was left with a running mind and my fully-charged phone to google the shit out of him, finding much more than I ever thought I could possibly discover on the internet.

Guess finding someone’s work address really isn’t a big deal when their dick is out for the world to see.

Sitting with all of that information only made Ana’s parting words resonate even more through me. “No reason to feel down about it, hun! He’s definitely not worth it. Even if he did end up wanting this child anyway, he’s not really fit to become a father, anyway.”

Maybe it would have been easier to digest all of that if she’d managed to sleep on it and work through her issues in the morning, like she usually did. But all her plans for the evening went downhill when she arrived home in the pouring rain, to find Ransom waiting for her just outside her apartment’s door.

[whatifxwereyou]

The Oncoming Storm Part 10: Distance

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

Man, the vibe between these two fine men is so different. I'm so into it! ALSO have some exciting stuff coming. Gonna try to update both days this weekend, and then setup some... very spicy/fun/dangerous romance stuff? Might add in some "choose your own adventure" style choices before we get to that big choice Lol. ENJOY! Much love.

Part 9 Part 11 Chapter Index

You rested on your side with your head in Kung Lao’s lap, a decision that you’d had no part in making. He held your hand while the monks tended to the wound on your side. You’d pulled more of your stitches than you’d noticed when you and Liu Kang had stopped to examine your wound. You could hear him saying he told you so in your head. You owed him an apology, you supposed. Kung Lao’s thumb brushed over the back of your hand and you were momentarily distracted from the rest of night.

Your exceptionally long awful horrible and terribly confusing but also kind of wonderful night. What a whirlwind.

The way that the monks fretted over you was embarrassing. It had done nothing to ease Kung Lao’s obvious guilt. You were fine! They’d been practicing and it had been an accident. Besides that, you’d had fun with him. You hadn’t wanted him to go easy on you and he hadn’t. You were grateful. Would he ever trust himself in a fight against you again?

After a lengthy discussion out of earshot the monks decided to cauterize the wound to prevent further bleeding since you didn’t seem to be clotting properly on your own. You’d agreed when it had been presented as the only option just to feel like you’d had some say in it. Liu Kang had done the same for your arm the other day and you wished he were there to do it this time too. You’d been spoiled by his magic in comparison.

They’d hooked you up to an IV of fluids to help you recover from the blood loss and set upon the task. It was a painful and miserable process that crippled you from the onset. Kung Lao stroked your hair soothingly and urged you to squeeze his hand. You weren’t sure if he was helping or not, but it was sweet of him to try.

Once the agonizing process ended, the monks suggested you stay for a while so they could keep an eye on you. While they cared for you on and off, Kung Lao talked. He was good at that. He comforted you with distraction and told terrible jokes to try and make you laugh. Eventually silence had fallen, and he had taken to running his fingers through your hair with his eyes closed.

From the way the monks spoke, morning was fast approaching. You hadn’t felt so exhausted and afraid to sleep in years. If everything hadn’t been such a mess, then you would have been impressed. As time passed the pain faded to a near memory. It was only then that you realized that you hadn’t spoken a single word since you’d agreed to have your wound cauterized.

“You don’t have to stay.” If Kung Lao needed you to absolve him of guilt, then you would gladly do so.

“I’m staying.”

“It’s been a long night, Kung Lao. You need rest too.”

“I’m not leaving until you can.”

“You don’t owe me this, Kung Lao. This isn’t your fault.” You turned so that you were rested on your back and Kung Lao helped you settle against his legs. Of all the places you thought you’d end up, head rested in Kung Lao’s lap was not one of them. Boy, you could use a drink.

“Then whose fault is it, exactly? Yours?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I know that it’s not my fault, Y/N.”

“Could you tell that to your face?” You reached to poke the underside of his chin. He smiled, as if relieved to see you joking with him again.

“I’m staying. And I’ll make sure you get back to your room.” He poked you right in the chest.

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“What’s ridiculous is that I am being perfectly charming and on my best behavior and you’re arguing with me all while using me as a pillow without so much as a thank you. You can’t just use me, Y/N.” He said it in that boyish way, as though he was teasing you for having a crush on him. You definitely had had a crush on him when you were a kid. You didn’t know what you felt about anything anymore.

You laughed and swatted at his hand that rested on your shoulder. It hurt to laugh. “I could be here for a long time. You’re better off not waiting for me. Presumably, you have things to do today and probably got an hour of sleep at most.”

“Well, you’re lucky that I’m curious to see how long it takes before my legs go numb beneath your dainty little head.” He patted your shoulder and so you reached to pat his hand. Just as when you’d been kids there was no arguing with him. He would do what he wanted to do and there was no stopping him no matter how idiotic it was.

“Well, if I fall asleep and drool on you then that’s your fault.”

“I’ve come to terms with this disgusting sounding fate, Y/N. You’ll just owe me.”

“I will not be in your debt, Kung Lao.”

“You already are. I saved you from that fire, remember?”

“Oh? I didn’t realize you were keeping tabs!” You closed your eyes.

“I never forget, Y/N.” He whispered, picking up your hand and tracing lines along your palm with his index finger. He then regaled you with a tale of a time where he’d run an errand for Raiden and had dislocated his shoulder, tried to pop it back into place and had done a piss poor job of it. You cringed the whole time, but he had been delighted in disgusting you without you being able to escape. His voice droned on and you almost fell asleep.

Thankfully, a monk came over to you and asked you to sit up. Kung Lao, without being asked, helped you upright. It was remarkable how comfortable he was with touching you. Chen, the monk, was one of the few who you had formed a bond with during your stay in the infirmary. She’d taken to teasing you about your close friendship with Liu Kang and from the look in your eyes, you were certain this moment was only going to make that teasing far worse. You could see it in Chen’s dark eyes. It was coming.

Chen tested your reflexes, took your pulse, and checked on your wound before removing the IV and wrapping the wound tightly. “Alright, Y/N. Everything looks okay. No more bleeding and you’ve finally got some color back. Promise me that you’ll rest. And that you’ll stop bleeding all over our temple?”

“Listen, I didn’t try to bleed on anything!” You assured your friend who looked at you as if to say that was a lie and that if she saw you in the infirmary for a new wound by the end of the day then you wouldn’t hear the end of it. You avoided eye contact. “I’ll rest. I promise.”

Getting to your feet, Kung Lao joined you and offered you an arm to steady you. You swatted it, blushed, and then walked on your own out of the infirmary. Kung Lao’s eyes were on you as you went and then he followed behind you.

“Hey, you’ve got enough color back to blush again. That’s a good sign.” He leaned close enough to your cheek for you to feel his breath and you swatted at him again. For someone you hadn’t seen for years he certainly was comfortable being in your personal space.

“I’m not blushing. And I was fine, even before.”

“Is it so hard to admit that I make you blush a little?” He teased. “And you were definitely not fine. No one’s going to believe you when you say that if you keep lying.”

“I wasn’t lying!”

“It’s okay to be honest about your feelings, Y/N. All of them. Really.” He stopped in front of you, and you stumbled to a stop before him, having to place a hand against his chest to steady yourself. You took a step back and he tilted his head confidently, giving you that smirk that could melt pretty much any heart, you were sure.

“Kung Lao, really?” You rolled your eyes at him, but your heart was definitely fluttering in your chest, betraying you. “Look, I’m going back to my room now. You can go do… whatever it is you do around here, Lao.”

“Right now, I happen to be walking you back to your room.” He shrugged. “Are you feeling weak, Y/N? Do you need me to carry you?” If he hadn’t said it in such a teasing and taunting sort of way, then you probably would have considered it. Your face was hot with embarrassment. He grinned in delight, proud to have thrown you off.

“I think you’re overtired, Kung Lao. You’re clearly not thinking straight.” If he was going to tease you, then you would tease him right back. It was only fair, after all. You stepped a bit closer to him and he cocked a curious eyebrow. You tilted your head back as you drew closer and made to touch his chest but then pulled your hand back at the last second. He was very still. “I can walk just fine.”

You then stepped around him and continued down the hall. He turned to watch you walk away, and your face burned but you talked yourself down quickly. Then he hurried his pace to catch up with you and joined you in your walk. It was quiet after that for the most part, as if you both had plenty to think about. You were tired. Drop dead tired. Even so, you felt far more stable on your feet than you had the rest of that night. The quiet gave you time to think, which you weren’t sure you liked or not. You had way too much to think about.

When you made it to your room, you pushed open the door and thought your bed had never looked more inviting. It wasn’t even a particularly comfortable bed, but you were still looking forward to flopping into it. You turned to find that Kung Lao remained in your doorway, resting against the frame with his arms folded over his chest, admiring you with a smile. He did that a lot- openly admired you. You were going to have to find a way to cope with all this damn blushing.

“You’re up for me staying a bit, right?”

“I’m exhausted.”

“Just a little bit.” Kung Lao walked past you anyway, and you sighed and closed the door behind him. It wasn’t that you didn’t want him there it was just that you also really wanted to sleep. Sunlight was peaking over the mountains on the other side of the ravine. Kung Lao dragged the chair from your desk and sat backwards on it. You sat on your bed and held your hand over the gauze on your side. It had a solid heartbeat beneath your fingertips. Kung Lao fiddled with things on your desk, picking up the journal that you and Liu Kang had been working in.

He flipped through the pages and you thought he looked a little sad, but as quickly as you had thought it, it was gone, and he looked bored. He closed the journal and then waved it toward you. “I thought that Liu Kang was just trying to flirt with you when he said study because that’s what I would have done. But you guys really study, huh? Your handwriting is awful by the way, especially for someone with ink arcana.”

“You’re less funny than you think you are. But yes, we actually study.” You were never sure what to do with the offhand flirtatious comments but teasing him in return seemed like the way the go. “You probably don’t remember this since we weren’t in the same class and I was kicked out of school before we got close but… I’m passionate about learning new things. Liu is an excellent and curious teacher. It’s been really nice.” You smiled in memory. It felt like it had been ages since they’d studied, and you missed it. “We’ve grown pretty close since you’ve been gone. I’m grateful to him.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” He didn’t even try to hide how he rolled his eyes and you scoffed in disbelief and scooted to the edge of the bed. “Liu Kang is a good friend to have. And so are you when you’re not being defensive.” He stood up and dragged the chair closer to the bed then sat back down. He kicked off his shoes and then placed his feet on the bed. You stared at them disapprovingly and he purposely moved them, so his legs were rested just next to yours, barely not touching you. “It was a lie, you know.”

“Huh? What was? Something Liu said or…?”

“No, definitely not. Liu is an atrocious liar. Me on the other hand? Practiced liar. So yeah, it was me. I lied to you.” He shrugged and then rested his folded arms behind his head. He was avoiding your eyes, something he seemed to do when he felt guilty. When he noticed you looking, he tilted his head, so the hat obstructed your view of his eyes. That was still extremely attractive. “When you first woke up after the fire, I told you that I would visit town because I had become fond of your dojo and your store. That it was a beacon of peace.”

“And that’s a lie? Why would you like about something so trivial?”

“You don’t need to know the reasons.” He shrugged and tilted his gaze back to you. His smile was confident, but his eyes commanded all your attention. They went from playful to serious so quickly it was giving you whiplash. You suddenly felt as if your tongue was blocking your throat and your brain went blank. All that was left to focus on was Kung Lao. “I came to see you.” He pulled his legs back from the bed and leaned closer in his chair, studying your response. It seemed like a harmless lie so why was he telling you this now? “I didn’t know that you were my Y/N but I was still drawn to you. Watching you was what brought me peace when often I struggled finding any.”

“Kung Lao…” This felt like a confession, but what the confession was he hadn’t said. They had a thousand things to talk about and this was where he started? Not the visions? Not the ink? No, his inner turmoil and the peace that you had brought him without knowing.

“If I had known that you were my Y/N then I would have been far more forward with you than I was.” He pulled off his hat and set it next to you on the bed, then rested his hands on either side of the bed next to you. You couldn’t remember him ever flirting with you back then, but you had seen many faces and most of his visits were a blur. You remembered him as harmless and thoughtful. Those were fond memories. You smiled and averted your eyes. “No? Too much?” He smiled that confident smile even against your silence.

“I’m thinking.” You laughed.

“Guy puts it out there and you just stare…”

“I don’t know what you expect me to say, Kung Lao.”

“Anything would do.”

“You’re very sweet.”

“Ouch.”

“No! No, don’t be like that, Kung Lao.” You laughed and without realizing you’d unconsciously moved closer to him. “Really, I didn’t even consider who you could be back then. You were a strange fellow from out of town who enjoyed sitting in the peace of my dad’s place. Honestly, that feels like a different life now.”

“So, where’s the but?”

“There is none.” You furrowed your brow and his thumb overlapped yours on the bed. “This is a lot, isn’t it?”

“It is.” He considered, but he was studying you, and it made you incredibly uncomfortable. This way his eyes looked you over from head to toe, not to objectify you entirely, but rather to try and gauge what you were really thinking and what happened beyond what you told him. While your eyes apparently spoke in novels to Liu Kang, Kung Lao read your body language like a book you had forbidden him to read. Never in a million years did you think that you’d be in a dilemma where your heart was torn between two men. You’d been in relationships before but most of them had been with men from out of town who you rarely saw and had been short lived. Most of the people living in your hometown that were your age were still afraid of you.

“I don’t know what to say.” You finally decided.

“Because of Liu?”

“Well, I don’t quite understand what you’re trying to say. You say a lot without saying much at all, Kung Lao. I will admit that I think of Liu Kang very fondly. Yet, it is a very strange and emotional thing to see you again after thinking that you were dead- something I would like to talk about eventually, by the way.”

“That’s less important than this right now.” He tapped the bed and spoke very quietly, and you watched his lips form every word.

“I feel selfish, Kung Lao.”

“We are allowed to be selfish at times. You were like that as a kid too. Have some fun with me, Y/N.”

“Wow.” You laughed and as he went to say something else, you pulled your hand back from where his thumb had hooked over yours. His eyes were like big puppy dog eyes. He gave you the shivers and it took everything inside of you not to shake with them.

“Come on. You like me.” He teased.

“Kung Lao, now is not…”

“If this is because of Liu Kang? Trust me, I can change your mind.”

“No, I… excuse me?”

“You were going to say something. Continue.” He leaned just enough back to let you breathe. You were so confused. What did he even mean? You had to think about it. You had to think about a lot of things. He and Liu Kang were family. You didn’t want them to fight because of you. You would sooner turn away from them both. Then there was the nagging truth of everything else.

“I’m afraid.” You confessed and as the words came out, you felt a sudden great weight on your shoulders. “For the first time in so long, I’m afraid. Since back then, Kung Lao.”

“I know you saw things then.” He moistened his lips with his tongue and his lips remained parted for just one second before he sighed and seemed to reconsider. “I asked you if you were a witch once and you got all annoyed at me.”

“In my defense, the other kids called me that and threw shit at me, Kung Lao. I was afraid that I was a witch. That I’d never be normal. Then you died and I grew out of it. Now here you are and here I am and all the things I lost as a kid are back. And I attacked Liu Kang without knowing. I don’t know what to think and then you being so forward and Liu being like he is… I’m overwhelmed. I keep thinking that maybe this is what I’m meant for.”

Kung Lao’s whole demeanor changed from flirtatious to serious and you were grateful for him listening. You hadn’t meant to say all that you’d said. It’d just come out. “No, Y/N. You’re a fighter. I know you are. I always knew that you were even back then. And I knew what was happening to you as a kid, too. Or I guessed it at least. I always thought that it made you even more special. Normal is overrated.” Kung Lao placed a hand to your lips to stop you from talking but quickly pulled it back. “Liu’s tough. I’m sure he was fine. And so am I. We can handle whatever you throw at us, knowing or not. I’m sure he’s up to the challenge.”

“Lao…”

“I will help you fight. I won’t watch you waste away here speaking in nothing but the future.” He placed his hands on either side of you again. “And I’m sorry about your side. I know it was an accident but I’m still sorry for the trouble it caused you.”

“I’m not. I wanted to fight. I didn’t want you to go easy on me. I had fun. I had so much fun, and it was nice not to be treated like something frail.”

“It was fun, wasn’t it?” He picked up your hand and brought the back of it to his lips where he made very purposeful eye contact with you and placed a soft kiss upon it. Words were lost to you again. He pulled your hand back from his lips but didn’t let go of it. “Do you remember when we were kids and would pretend that we were like those martial artists in the movies your grandma had? I may have been reliving those days a little when we fought. Except we both knew what we were doing and could have given those actors a run for their money.” His attention was paid mostly to your hand and his thumb brushed over the back of it. “You’re still so pale. Even after everything. You weren’t before we fought.”

“Maybe I always will be now.” You finally managed to say something, but it wasn’t any of the things you wanted to say either. That crush you’d had on him as a kid was rearing its ugly head again. It had been the silliest crush. You’d both been so young and understood so little of the truth of life but there it was. You’d credited that memory of him to ruining every relationship you’d ever had. No one could ever be Kung Lao. But there he was. Alive and the memory of his lips against the back of your hand at the forefront of your thoughts.

“Don’t resign to a fate of serving others, Y/N. You’re made for more than that.”

“I’m not resigning to anything but I’m not a fool.”

“Just don’t give up.”

“I’m not. I didn’t mean to sound like I was. Honestly, that all came out of me without meaning to.”

“Like you said: this is overwhelming.” Kung Lao released your hand and with that seemed to release the hold he had over you too. “I should let you rest, Y/N. For now.”

“How very thoughtful of you.” You managed to joke at last and scooted back onto the bed. Kung Lao stood, replaced your chair, and then offered you a short bow.

“Get some rest because the next time I see you, I’m not holding anything back.”

“You’re so much trouble, Kung Lao.”

“You’re welcome.” He left without another word, closing your door behind him. You sunk back into the bed and pulled the blankets over your head with a whine. You were never going to sleep again at this rate. Liu Kang and the wild fiery tension he brought with him and Kung Lao with his nostalgia, teasing you and dripping in romance. You supposed that of all the problems you had, those two were at least fun problems to have even if you swore that they were going to send you into cardiac arrest. You drifted to sleep, more mixed up than you had ever been.

[quirklessidiot]

Title: coward :: pretty girl Pairing: Y/N x Miya Atsumu Genre: angst, romance, and very slow burn [ex to lovers au] Warnings: Cursing, alchohol, mentions of unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancy, and mentions of abortion

Synopsis: : In which you finally meet the perfect girlfriend of Miya Atsumu and he starts to slowly accept the fact that whatever happened between you two is long gone (or is it?)

authors note: 

here to give my thanks again, literally feels so surreal with how much love this story is getting despite the angst sjjsdjsjd i-

also ive released the prologue for my first ever smau! its a more lighthearted one compared to this one between sakusa and an older gn!reader, if you’re into that check it out here uwu

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You’ve never actually seen Miya Atsumu and his girlfriend.

This was your first time today during Sugawara’s house party, Daiki had forced you to go and insisted that the three of them needed to have their manly bonding time (it actually only consisted of stuffing themselves with junk food and watching shounen animes), “...Also don’t you want to bond out with your ex-boyfriend that you chose over me? I’m hurt, I didn't know you like fake blonde volleyball players.” he fake-sniffled, in which you replied with an arched brow.

You didn’t know how he ended up knowing about Atsumu, you were expecting a talk from him but he simply shrugs it off and says, “No matter how much I tell you that you should tell him, you won’t listen. So I won’t bother wasting my breath, just know that you’re being selfish by denying these boys the right to have a father and you're denying that blonde shrimp to be a dad too.” 

“Y/N-san, I’m surprised you came!” Sugawara grins.

“Daiki took charge of the kids.” You replied, fiddling with the keys in your hand.

“He looks very reliable.” the teacher exclaims, handing you a drink in which you completely deny because you weren’t very good with alcohol, “You guys would make a great couple!”

“Oh,” You voiced, you were very familiar with those words, many people had always thought you and Daiki would make a good pair. It was definitely a shock to many when they found out you were pregnant and that the basketball player was not the father despite being there most of the times, “I’ve never seen him that way.”

“He did mention that, he even openly confessed to Miya-san that he’s jealous of how he was your first boyfriend.”

You choked on your saliva, that fucking sly bastard-

“Anyways, make yourself comfortable! I have to go say hi to my old friends from college!” he exclaims, patting your shoulder. You immediately turn around to find Miya Atsumu cozying up with a beautiful girl in his arms.

Ah, that must’ve been the beautiful model with legs for days.

“You’re kind of staring.” comes a very familiar voice.

You want to roll your eyes but you decided against it, “I didn’t know you and Sugawara-san were close, Inunaki-san.” you greeted your annoying senior.

“Suga-san’s a friend to the whole team…” he grins, “Also, I’m just here to warn you that Osamu might be here later, he’s not as nice as Atsumu towards you.”

“You don’t have to remind me.” 

“Come to think of it,” Shion Inunaki paused, tapping his chin in deep thought, “Atsumu still follows you around like a lost puppy. He’s been spending his off days with you instead of his girlfriend. I’m actually surprised he even brought her here today.”

“What are you implying?” You reply, feigning ignorance.

“Ah, L/N-san. I love how you still don’t care about my kohai’s feelings up till now.” He grinned, sarcasm oozing out of his sentence.

“Don’t be silly.” You glazed,“What feelings would there be but hatred?”

“It’s anything but that, L/N-san.” he turns to you, hand on his hip, “Even I don’t get why he’s so into you after all this time and the shit you put him through. He’s got someone better in front of him. Physical looks and emotionally speaking, Ri-chan’s a whole lot better than you… No offense…”

You knew he was rubbing salt to the injury but you couldn’t really bring yourself to argue with him, after all, he was right at the most part (you technically considered yourself as the big bad villainous ex in Atsumu’s life) 

“You sound like those girls who used to threaten me back then when I was dating Miya-san.” You replied coolly, Inunaki even notices the amusement dripping in your tone, it's as if he hadn’t insulted you right at the face and called you a lesser being, “It’s almost pathetic.”

You ended up on the balcony right after, so much for trying to socialize, who were you kidding? It’s good you manage to escape the scene before Osamu could see you there, you couldn’t handle Inunaki and the grey-haired twin together. Thank god that Aran wasn’t around the area.

“Figured you’d be here.”

You turn to find the one and only source of all your problems these days, Miya Atsumu, you narrow your eyes in annoyance, “You should leave, people will get the wrong idea.” You simply replied, “I’m not in the mood to be in the middle of that.”

“I just came here because I wanted to apologize about that night with your brat.” the blonde casually leans against the doorway, “It was my fault for riling him up.”

“Yuuto has a temper, he’s more of his otosan than me.” 

“What was he like?”

“Who?”

“The bastard that you miss, those brats father…”

You tilt your head and press your lips together, surprised by his choice of words, “Special.” you openly-confessed as you gaze at the very man in front of you. Oh, the irony of it all. 

How you wish it was that easy to let go of all your fears and anxiety, if you had told him six years ago about your pregnancy, would your life probably be different? What if you told him now? How would he feel?

“He’s lucky,” he admits, gaze fixed on you, “I mean - other than the part that he died  - he was a lucky guy, Y/N.”

It dawned upon you that moment that this had been the first conversation you had with your ex that held no hatred, malice, or anger. He seemed to be slowly accepting the fact that you wanted to do nothing with him. Like you, he had no choice but to move on.

“ ‘Tsumu! What the fuck you moping around alone for up there? You got a girlfriend here!” Osamu calls down from below. You both snap back to reality at his brother's voice, “Guess that’s my cue to leave, I’ll see you around, Y/N.” he uttered softly and as he turned away, you suddenly spoke out.

“I’m sorry.” He freezes in place, somehow this apology seemed different than the rest, “I know I’ve said that a lot these past few weeks and that night but I want you to know that every apology was genuine. I just, I’m not very-”

“I know.” He suddenly turns to you, the very familiar and warm grin that you're accustomed to decorates his features and you feel like its that night in fall and you're back in college again, “I guess I was so wrapped up in wanting to get an emotion out of you that I hadn’t  realized, it’s not you if you did that. You always had trouble expressing yourself naturally to people after all.”

You feel your insides clamp and your lips tremble lightly, you feel the air turn heavy around you. How is that he was always the one pulling the strings and doing all the work between you two? How could he forgive you this easily?

“Don’t be silly.What feelings would there be but hatred?”

“It’s anything but that, L/N-san.” 

“I’m proud that you’re trying hard for your kids though,” He chuckles, “Those brats are lucky they get to see all sides of you everyday.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight.” you muttered, watching his figure walk away and vanish in the dark, leaving you all alone in the night of spring.

“...I now pronounce you husband and wife…”

You stare at your father and his new wife looking at each other with complete love and adoration, something you never saw when you were growing up. It sickened you to the point that you turn slightly pale and feel the bile on your throat rise. You watch them exit the church as sakura petals fall, the idea of a picture perfect wedding and happily ever after like the fairytale books you used to scorn when you were a child.

You loathed it.

He even had the audacity to invite you and your mother. She ended up not going and was probably drowning herself in cheap saki at home.

You sat at the back during the reception, along with the people who were not exactly ‘close’ to the bride-groom. You feel like an utter fool, why were you even here? You should’ve gone home or attended that stupid party and get stupid drunk with people you barely knew like your mother.

Yeah, that’s right.

You’d rather be there than here.

“Ah,” you hear a glass clink, you saw one of your dad’s friends stand up, ready to make a speech, “First off, I’d like to congratulate my friend. Finally!” laughter resonates throughout the room but you don’t follow suit, instead, you hold onto the wine glass tightly as if you don’t like where this was going, “I know how unhappy you were back then but ever since you met Yui-chan, your life seemed to have become better. I could never be more proud!”

You could feel yourself getting sicker by the moment, especially after you heard the words you dreaded to hear the most, “Let’s not make anymore mistakes shall we?” he jokes.

All you could see was red right after, grabbing your clutch on the table as you made a haste exit. Was this the reason he invited you? To shove it on your face that you were a mistake made?

That you shouldn't have been born?

You ended up breaking a heel and tripping on your own feet soon after, shakily, you adjust your posture and sat at the concrete for a few moments, trying to gather yourself but desperately failing, "I didn't… I didn't ask to be born too, you know?" You murmured to yourself bitterly.

You let it all out, it shouldn't have hurt to be called a mistake. You were an adult already for crying out loud! Yet when they toss that word around like it was nothing especially at that wedding, you feel like you're eight years old again and you're hearing your own mother curse at you for being born into this world, the harsh words she said were as clear as the day, "if you probably hadn't been born, we would've been happier. We'd have better lives, Y/N. So don't go around and cry and think you got it bad, you hear me? Your sadness is nothing compared to ours. It's nothing, Y/N. So stop being ungrateful."

You ended up at the frat house that night, people would occasionally glance at your disheveled state but you just downed the alcohol, ignoring their stares as usual  and when you get a text from your mother asking why you left the wedding so early in such a manner, you feel the pent-up emotions bubbling within you again. 

Blocking her number and taking one last swig of the cheap vodka in your hands, you head up to one of the rooms upstairs. You hold it all in well, you don't want to showcase such things to strangers.You feel the alcohol and emotion about to hit you when you open a door that you thought would be your safe space for the next ten minutes but you're immediately greeted by two people on the bed, ready to hit it off and have a good time.

"O-Oh sorry… I-Wrong room...” you stammered, lips quivering and small tears escaping since you couldn't hold it in anymore.You immediately bolted out the door, So much for sobering up and crying by yourself for ten minutes, you might as well call Daiki, maybe he was available-

“Hey! Y/N!” a very familiar and a very unexpected voice calls out your name on the quiet street.

You hesitantly turn only to find your project partner and classmate standing there, a bit out of breath as if he had just squeezed through the very crowded party in a hurry, you're confused by his actions. You weren’t exactly close? What was he doing?

“Hey.” he softly says, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket to hand it to you. You hesitantly look at it and take it from his grasp as you try to get rid of the runny mascara. You're taken aback by his kind actions so far, although he had always been nice and tried to make conversations with you, you weren’t exactly very participative and it had always been one-sided on his part. 

When he suddenly stopped talking to you recently, you didn’t bother to initiate anymore because you didn’t want to get more involved with people like him.  It’s not like he was a bad person, per say, he just had such a loud presence that made everyone stop and stare. You weren’t exactly a big fan of those kinds of people (save for daiki since you grew up with him)

“Come on, Y/N.” the blonde sighs, taking off his jacket to place it on you, “Let's take you home.”

"You don't have to."

"You look like shit, Y/N. I’m not takin' no for an answer" Atsumu points out forwardly, "Actually, before we head home lets disinfect that wound, yeah?"

"Miya-san, I-" you tried to tell him you were fine but he didn’t seem to be having it.

"Atsumu." He corrects, despite his forwardness and brash attitude, you know he means well, "You let me call you by your first name so please don't call me Miya-san, sounds fuckin weird coming from ya."

You're thankful that he doesn't pry or ask questions about why you looked like this. He just mumbles throughout your whole journey that you shouldn't wear heels when you can't even walk on them.You also start to notice the slight accent from his tone when he got annoyed by your insistence that you were alright, you had always thought that he was a city boy with the way he carried himself.

When you arrive at the drugstore, he pays for the necessities himself despite you protesting again and even buys you a sugar-free treat on top of that, "You said you were diabetic one time." He shrugs off as he lets you sit on the concrete steps.

“Oh,” You faltered, “You remembered.”

“It’s one of the few things you said. You don’t talk to me that much so it's not hard to remember the things you say.”

“Sorry.” You tried to apologize, brows furrowed in deep thought and the only reply you got was a gleeful laughter from the blonde setter.

“You don’t really mean that do you?” he observed but he didn't look insulted by it at all, instead he seemed amused by it, “Don’t sweat it, Y/N. My twin told me I could be an annoying shit at times.”

“No,” you mused, “Not at all, you’re not annoying.”

Atsumu stares at you right in the eye, his corners crinkling just a bit as the amused smile never leaves his features, you’re starting to like it when you see him smile that way, it reminded you a lot of the youth you craved for, the problematic-free youth that you wanted and wished, “Is it safe to say that you don’t mind my company?” he guessed.

“Well, you’re here now and I haven’t left you.” 

He doesn’t reply,  instead he bends down to your level and takes the antiseptic and band-aids from your hands. Before you could object, the setter dabs it on your wound and as you seethe quietly in pain, he blows on it. You’re getting more and more perplexed by his actions tonight especially with the words he says next, “I may not be close with you to know what happened tonight but I hope I made you feel a little bit better, Y/N.” 

The next time you see the professional volleyball player is at work,You’re tasked to send out some documents to your boss again and it just so happens they’re wrapping up the shoot for the advertisement at the studio.

Something’s different now. 

After your little talk with him at the terrace, the air around you doesn’t feel tight, your anxiety around him seems to decrease, and your feet doesn’t get cold anymore. Of course, Inunaki would throw in a jab or insult but you took it like a good sport and didn’t bother with him.

“Ah, L/N-san! How are the boys?” Hinata jumps up and down excitedly as he sees you enter the studio, you still couldn’t get used to this big (small) bundle of energy.

“They’re doing fine, Hinata-san.” 

“Oho, L/N-san, you’re looking better these days.” Inunaki teased, you gave him a brief nod and just ignored the jab, Atsumu slaps his seniors back in retaliation, “You’re not the one she broke up with Inu-san.” he joked, “Hey L/N-san.”

“Miya-san.” You greeted.

“Does Yuuto still want to skewer me like a kebab?”

“He feels sad that he wasn’t able to say sorry to you before you left.” You replied, a hint of amusement laced on your tone as you recalled Yuuto frowning on the dinner table the night before because Sugawara had informed the club members that Hinata and Atsumu wouldn’t be visiting as much because training was about to start.

“Shame, wanted to see that brat say sorry too.” He let out a grin, your conversation is cut short though when a new presence joins the room.

“Oh, Riku-chan!” Inunaki calls out.

You lick your dry lips as you see the very beautiful and tall raven-haired woman approach you, wow, Miya Atsumu outdid himself with this one. You recalled her being on Vogue magazine once and on tv a few times as a fashion model of an underwear brand.

“Oh, hey babe.” Atsumu greets, you note how stiff he became. He probably thought this would be an uncomfortable situation. The woman, unlike you, was very open with her affection. She gave him a brief kiss on his jaw.

Hinata greets her and you’re left wondering if you should excuse yourself before you could make Atsumu more uncomfortable by your presence but Inunaki, being an asshole, decides to make the choice for you, “L/N-san, this is Miyazaki Riku! I’m sure you know her, she’s a supermodel!” he introduces you to her.

“Good day.” You greet the model.

She tilts her head slightly, “Have we met before? You look very familiar.”

“She was my kohai back in Uni and Atsumu’s classmate!” Inunaki grins, patting your back, you hold back a glare since you didn’t want to make it more awkward than it was.

“Oh?” she chirped, immediately letting go of Atsumu’s hand, she grabbed onto yours, “What was he like? I bet he was so cool and chic back then too!”

Chic and Cool?

Memories of a rather clumsy and corny Miya Atsumu in college slowly wormed its way to your head and out of nowhere, you burst into a low chuckle. Inunaki was startled by the sudden reaction and Atsumu feels his insides mush up when he hears that very rare sound, “Yeah,” you croaked, shortly after recovering from your small laugh, “Definitely chic and cool.”

“That’s so cool! I definitely want to hear stories about you back in college, baby!”

“Maybe some other time,” you voice is back to its smooth and cool tone, realizing that you needed to leave from this uncomfortable conversation and start your job, “I have to finish up my work here and get home early.”

“That’s a shame, I could definitely tell you guys were close.” a frown tugs her lips as she notices how quick you were to say goodbye to her, “Bye, L/N-san!”

After that rather dry and one-sided enthusiastic conversation, you finish your work quickly and Daiki messages you just in time that he and the boys would pick you up, you say your goodbyes to your director, the staff, and the volleyball team. You don’t notice the lingering gaze of Atsumu as you left nor do you notice Inunaki telling him that he’s got his girlfriend right in front of him and he shouldn’t look your way.

They shortly wrap up right after and they’re ready to go home. After deciding that they’d all grab a good meal together (much to sakusa’s dismay), Atsumu feels his mood lighten up as they exit the studio to see you standing there along with Yuuto, unwrapping his onigiri. As he’s about to call the brat to talk to him and even drop in to say hi to you, he sees a familiar tall figure emerge from the convenience store with Youta in his arms.

The blonde decides against it.

“...You always had trouble expressing yourself naturally to people after all.”

He watches the interaction from afar and notes how easy it was for the man to interact with you, he even catches on an amused smirk from you as the man tries to tell you a joke, “Is that L/N-san?” he hears Riku ask, “I didn’t know she had a family, that’s so cute!”

Atsumu doesn’t really know what to say as he watches the domestic scene unfold in front of him, he was trying to move on, wasn’t he? Yet why can’t he look away? 

“Baby? You alright there? You’ve been staring at the empty space for a while.” Riku calls out, sounding a bit worried as she snaps him out of his daze. You were already gone, probably far off with that scrub and the brats.

“I’m good.” he tried to affirm himself, wishing it was true, “I’m good.”

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[hs-devote]

iv. láthi: the mistake

Moodboard * Content * Masterlist

Disclaimer:

All characters and situation in this story are fictitious. Resemblance to any person living or dead is only God knows.

chapter iii. láthi: the lie

iv. the mistake The pouring rain is the first thing Y/N hears when she opens her eyes, the cold wind outside coming through her window makes her pulling her blanket up until her neck, not caring about making someone lying next to her whining of losing the warmth from the thick blanket that wrapped his body earlier.

She stays still, cocooned her naked body to keep the warmth and turn her back to Harry, who seems no longer bothered by the cold that morning. Yet, he stirs a little in his sleep. Unconsciously wrapping his arm around her hips and bringing her closer.

Y/N really wants to fall asleep again, but the dream she just had earlier a bit bothered her.

In the dream, she was standing alone in the middle of a hallway in a massive castle with a high ceiling that she could barely see it. She was just there alone. When she stepped her foot to find about what was the place, she saw a large bright ball approaching her along with several small balls twinkling. She didn't know what it was, but they seemed to want to lead her out of the place. And that’s what she did.

Once she got out, the light balls were no longer there. And now, she saw the endless ocean with thick fog covering its surface. She could faintly hear the flow of fast water stream.

She was confused.

Where was she?

“Your Majesty.”

She never snapped her head this fast, hearing someone addressed her with such a title. She was the only one there, who else did they mean if not her?

She found a girl who appeared to be a maid, looking at her timidly. The young girl looked scared, but scared of what?

Y/N hadn't yet had time to open her mouth, yet someone embraced her from behind and made the maid leave immediately.

“Darling..”

The voice.

She recognised the voice.

Unfortunately, when she wanted to turn around to see who was holding her, she awoke from her sleep with extreme confusion.

What's the meaning of that?

She blinks her eyes when she feels her neck being kissed from behind, making her slowly turn around and find Harry staring at her with his sleepy eyes.

“Good morning, love.” his lips draw a small smile, “You wake up first.”

“Mhm,” she hums softly while brushing away his unruly curls from his forehead, “The pouring rain woke me up. And it's cold.”

"Cold? I should be the one who feels cold because you took the blanket." he groans, snuggling closer to her warm body. Y/N laughs softly, her hands stroking his cold cheek.

“Are you hungry? I want to make something before my granny wakes up.”

“Sometimes it makes me feel a little bad when your grandmother is sleeping in the other room while we have sex and try not to be noisy. Yet, at the end of the day, we couldn't hold back the screaming.” he speaks softly while his arms creeping under the blanket and rubbing Y/N's hips with his thumb, “I hope she's not traumatized.”

“You're such a filthy animal when it comes to sex.”

“That's why I prefer my place.”

“Harry..”

“Okay, okay.” he chuckles, “Go make something delicious, I'll wait here.”

Y/N just rolls her eyes before picking up her discarded clothes on the floor and get dressed. Before she leaves the room, she doesn't forget to give her man a delicate kiss on the lips making the man's heart soars in affection.

When she gets to the kitchen, she's surprised to see Ilitia who had prepared the breakfast on the dining table. With a small smile, Y/N comes closer to her grandmother and give the old woman a kiss on the cheek.

“Buongiorno nonna.”

“Mia cara..”

"I just wanted to make something for breakfast but it seems you beat me first." Y/N hums while sitting on the chair nearby, looking at Ilitia who just turn off the stove. The grandmother just smiles while taking off her apron.

“Non preoccuparti! I knew you were going to wake up late. So, I thought I could do something for you and Harry." she shrugs, "Are you not tired? Your scream was loud last night."

“Nonna!”

Y/N's face flushed red when Ilitia teases her while wiggling her eyebrow, she blushed even more after her grandmother gives her the I-knew-what-you-did look. Were they that loud last night?

“I thought you were already asleep.” she mumbles under her breath while fumbling with her fingers, avoiding the eye contact with her dear grandmother who just admitted that she heard they had sex last night. Well, this is not her first time hearing her granddaughter having sex with the guy named Harry, but what she heard last night kind of traumatized her. She doesn't know this horny couple could be wild if they wanted to.

"I did, mia cara. But, the way you guys screamed hurt my hearing and made me awake.”

Y/N slumped her shoulder in embarrassment, in the bottom of her heart, she promised to be more careful and maybe keeping their hands off each other when Ilitia around.

"My dear. I know I have no experience with love and things like that but are you sure? Are you sure about him? Because Harry is the first man you take home and I see you really into each other. I just don't want you to get heartbreak if something goes wrong."

This is the first time for Ilitia to talk seriously to her granddaughter, the look on her face so careful and concern. She doesn't want her only granddaughter to feel hurt from choosing the wrong person. This is the first time Y/N has shown she really likes someone and it seems that her feelings are much deeper than Ilitia thought.

"I really, really like him. I've never felt like this with anyone. He's a good man and.. I'm really happy with where we are now."

“Nonostante non ci ufficializzi.” she adds with a sad smile.

It's right. They admitted to liking and adoring each other, not hesitate to kiss each other and even have sex. But, Harry never openly make their relationship official as a boyfriend and girlfriend. That's all enough for her. The most important thing is they admit their feelings and her feeling isn't one-sided.

She really wants Harry to make official of their relationship, yet she understands that he's not someone who's outspoken about romance. Just each other know where they stand, what they feel, and all set. They're in a relationship. But, is it a boyfriend-girlfriend thing? She isn't sure.

One thing she knows and the matter is.. they live the relationship as it should.

While Y/N is happy yet a little worried about her relationship with Harry, the legal wife of him, Selene, is angry and also worried about her husband. She had just returned to Centauri with anger fueling her chest. She just catches her Harry whom she loves so much, sneaking behind her back with another woman and seems to have feelings for that woman. Not just a woman, a mortal human who is far below them. What even human compares to Goddess, like her?

She doesn't know what her husband was thinking and seeing in that woman. She's much honourable than that creature.

She wants revenge, yet she doesn't want to get her hands dirty. She has to gather a lot of evidence before carrying out her plans.

Fine if Harry doesn't want to be honest and listen to her.

Like she said before, she would make him regret for ignoring her.

“Kynigos!”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

One of her trusted men immediately approaches her when the Goddess calls him. He bent down for a few seconds before returning to his feet like a tough fighter.

“I have a mission to carry out. Bring Khosaid, Aharo, and Helios to the throne room now.”

The man just nods, leaving a smirking Selene who's plotting something inside her head. She has hundreds of plans to get Harry back into her arms and deter him. No one can take her husband from her. No one. . . . .

Selene is wondering out loud.

What kind of human could make her husband turn away from her.

She doesn't know the name, doesn't know anything about her but her face.

She admits that the human is beautiful, but still she’s more beautiful she thinks, and look innocent. Yet, behind the innocence, the human is even worse. She doesn’t know how Harry got hooked on his secret lover.

And she wants to know.

That’s why she’s now standing a few metres away from a certain flower shop. According to her spy, the girl works as a florist, also she just found out that her Harry often buys flowers there. So, she thinks it all started with him buying flowers and they met regularly. If it isn’t her husband’s affair, she won’t want to come down and mingle with the humans on Earth. Selene avoids that very much.

“Hello, can I help you?”

What a coincidence.

The woman she was looking for, is standing in front of her with a smile formed on her lips that she hated. The lips that her husband savoured beside her, the lips that she's sure did something more than just a kiss..

“Do you have Anemones?” Selene quickly pulls her focus back, doesn’t want the woman to be suspicious since she almost throwing a glare, “The red ones, actually.”

“Yes, we do. How much do you want?” Y/N immediately put on her gloves and looking for a scissor, not realising that her new customer had been gripping it for some reason.

“Make it a bouquet.”

"Sure! Let me find my sci– Oh, thanks!" Before she finishes her sentence, Selene quickly holds out the scissor right in front of her. To her surprise, her customer seems to be pointing the scissor in front of her face rather than holding out because how quick it was in her face.

“My.. darling said this is the best flower shop in Syracuse,” Selene begins, her eyes staring at Y/N who’s picking up her order, “And now I know.. why.”

“I think your boyfriend is too much. But, thank you.” Y/N smiles, “I guess he once bought flowers here?”

“My husband,” Selene corrects her, “And.. yeah, I guess. He often buys flowers here. Or I could say, always.”

“Your husband? You’re so lucky then, having a romantic husband.” she beams while tying up the Red Anemones, “I should have known him if he always buys flowers here.”

“Mhm. You could say that.” Selene silently rolls her eyes, feeling sick of this nonsense talk. But, she has to be patient so she can get what she wants. Her eyes looking at the woman in front of her closely, from the head to toe. She doesn’t find see anything interesting about Y/N, and why could her husband be attracted to her, get into her trap, and was lulled into forgetting the fact that he’s a married man.

“You’re lovely, you know that? It’s a bit embarrassing you work just as a florist.” Selene shakes her head, “I wonder, a lovely girl like you must have a boyfriend already.”

“Something like that.” Y/N chuckles, handing out the finished bouquet to her customer.

“Ooh, he’s lucky then.” hums Selene, “Or.. you are lucky then. Because I believe, Italian man is so damn romantic.”

“He is,” her cheeks flushed, indicating that what Selene said is true. She smiles shyly and it makes Selene feel even more annoyed, “But, he isn’t Italian. So..”

Enough.

Selene no longer wants to hear the words from the woman in front of her. The Goddess immediately take the money out from her pocket and gives it to Y/N without asking the price. She quickly leaving the confused Y/N without saying another word.

Did she say something wrong earlier? Y/N wonders.

She shrugs. Maybe the woman is in a hurry, she thinks.

Not long after, she sees from a distance that Harry had just closed his car door. With a blinding smile, the man walks towards her with something in his hand.

“Hi!”

“Hi, Harry.”

The man quickly gives her a peck on the lips, before he hands her a paper bag from his hold, “Here, I brought you lunch.”

"Why?" Y/N smiles, slowly take the bag and peeked inside.

“I know you sometimes forget your lunch. Then I stopped by at the nearest restaurant before I got here.” he shrugs, “That habit will get you sick. And I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Thank you,” she grins, “Come inside. We can eat together behind the counter, Mia will be here soon.”

Y/N grabs Harry’s hand to follow her inside. Luckily, her boss didn’t come today so she can freely sneak him inside without any worries.

“You’re off tomorrow, right?” he asks when she’s taking out the lunch box, “I want to take you somewhere.”

“Yep,” she confirms, “Where to?”

“It’s secret.” he winks, “But, you’ll definitely like it.” . . . .

Y/N has an off day today and like Harry promised yesterday, he takes the advantage to take her out for a date. A date like normal humans usually do. It’s just one day trip in Marina di Ragusa, yet he already rented a private boat for both of them to enjoy the beautiful Mediterranean Sea until the sunsets. When they arrive at the port, someone was waiting for him. Harry and the person talk for a while and soon give him the key, and not forget to wish them a nice trip.

“This is unusual,” Y/N hums while they walk to their boat, “But, I like it.”

“Oh, you’re going to love it once we hit the water.”

The man carefully helps her to climb into the boat, with the help of the dock clerk of course. Once he joins her in behind the steering wheel, he puts the key into the ignition, letting the engine to roar and ready to sail.

“Ready?” he averts his gaze to the girl next to him, lips forming a smile seeing her looked all giddy and excited.

“Of course!”

He shakes his head of how cute she is. After the dock clerk gives him a clear to sail, he doesn’t hesitate to show his skill to drive a boat expertly. In fact, he’s so carried away by the sea breeze hitting his face as they started to move away from the dock, and makes him pick up the speed.

“You’re expert at driving a boat, huh?” Y/N teases him, her eyes occasionally glance at him while looking at the distant coast.

“One of my hidden talent, actually.” Harry jokes, before making a sharp turn that caused the water splash over them. He let out a laugh while Y/N groans because her clothes are wet a little.

“I told you to bring spare clothes, didn’t I?”

“All of this was planned, wasn’t’ it?” she pouts, “You wanted to get me wet so you told me to bring spare clothes!”

“We’re on the water, so it makes sense if our clothes get wet.”

“I know, but – Harry!”

She screams as the boat suddenly accelerated, making her startled and reflexively grabs his arm. When they slowed down in the middle, she slaps his hand on the wheel.

“You want to knock me overboard?” she glares at him, “Don’t do that!”

“You have to see your own face!” he giggles, “It was funny.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Good thing that you’re still on your seat. If you were standing, you could fall in and drown.”

“Sometimes I can’t trust you behind the wheel, you know?” she murmurs under her breath, and now looking out over the endless expanse of the sea, “And now we’re in the middle of the sea. What we will do?”

“Technically, not.” he shrugs, “Well, I just want you to feel the calm water. Isn’t this calming?”

“It is, H. But, I’m just afraid that if we run out of fuel and cannot come back.” she laughs, eyeing him with a raised eyebrow.

“We can swim. I’ll hold you tight if you can’t swim, though.”

“How romantic of you.”

“Second to none.”

Y/N chuckles at his silliness. The way his unique thinking always amazes her, and it seems Harry always has his own thought. And sometimes, she cannot guess it.

“I just want to cherish our time together. I just want to be alone with you and enjoying each other’s company.” he starts, “I know sometimes the world doesn’t work the way we want but I’m always here for you.”

“Harry…” she coos, “I know the world is too hard and cruel sometimes but I’ll always be by your side. No matter what.”

She doesn’t know where this comes from, him talking like this isn’t his usual. Like there’s something he tried to convey implicitly, it’s clear from the way he looks at her. He doesn’t smile, lips pressed together but his eyes are so soft.

“Promise?” he then cheekily put his pinky finger for her to intertwine, and of course she happily locking their pinky’s together.

“Always.”

Harry lovingly grabs her face and kisses her dearly. Both of them closed their eyes, letting the moment drown between them. He smiles into the kiss as does she. Still locking their lips together, tasting each other, and melting their feelings into one.

They hurriedly untied their lips when the boat rocked suddenly, making them laugh.

“We shouldn’t be here to long,” Y/N nervously giggles, “It seems the ocean hates us.”

“Fine then, we’re going back to the coast.”

Before he drives them back, he pulls her head towards him and kisses her forehead.

“What was that for?”

“You’re just too cute.”

From the very distant dock, the woman can see what’s happening with her own eyes. She understands what’s going on between them, their feelings, yet she has to make a decision before it’s too late. . . . .

“You’re one step closer, Your Majesty.”

"You're very close to your destiny but you haven't realised that."

“You must be careful.”

Harry gasps when he opens his eyes, watching the huge waves roll away from him as if it had finished delivering the messages. His eyes wandering at the reflection of the moon on the surface of the ocean before his eyes. Then, he remembers Centauri, Selene, his mission. And.. Y/N.

Sweet sweet Y/N.

How come he likes a mortal human, especially he already has a wife who’s always waiting for him to come home every day?

How could he believe that the human made him fall in love with her?

How could he feel carried away and complacent, making him forget his wife when he was with Y/N?

Those kisses, those touches, their skins against each other.

Their lust for one another.

The desire.

Harry knows what he committed, yet he couldn’t stop.

He cannot.

What if Selene finds out? His people and his realm know that he's cheating with a mortal human and having affair?

They won’t blame him.

They’re going to go after Y/N, and he doesn’t want that. But, he doesn’t want to let go of her.

While Harry was standing on the beach and contemplating his thought, Y/N was arguing with her grandmother who suddenly forbade her to be close to Harry without giving a definite reason.

"Why are you suddenly against my relationship with Harry, granny? You never said anything before?" Y/N asks quietly, staring at Ilitia who's looking at her with a gaze she cannot interpret. Ilitia just sighs, paused for a moment to choose the right words to say.

“I just.. there’s something wrong with him that I feel but I can’t really say. Especially, I don’t want you to get hurt later because he didn’t say anything about your relationship, did he?” Ilitia gives her a plea look, “If he’s good man, he’ll make clear what kind of relationship you two have.”

"He's a good man, granny. He takes care of me well. He's always nice with you and why don't you like him?" she fights, "I thought you like him.."

“I do, mia cara. I just–”

"If you don't want to tell me, I won't listen to you." Y/N stomping her feet before leaving Ilitia like a grumpy child. She doesn't understand why Ilitia suddenly forbids her to see Harry even though her grandmother seemed fine before. She gets suspicious since Ilitia won't tell her the reason behind of all this and she thinks it's odd.

When she just steps out from her porch, she sees Harry who just gets out of his car. Her mood gets lighten seeing him who comes to her house.

“Harry!”

“Love..”

The pair kiss each other immediately when they get into one another’s arms. Y/N smiles into the kiss, feeling the joy while Harry stroking her hips with his thumbs. They break the kiss shortly after and putting their forehead against each other.

“What are you doing outside on nights like this?” he hums, rubbing her nose with his own.

“I kinda.. arguing with granny for some reason.” she puckers her mouth, making him give a quick peck on her lips before backing away.

“Why? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Granny asked me to stay away from you.”

Harry is the one who frowned this time. He didn't mishear, did he? Why on earth did Ilitia ask her granddaughter to step back on him? He made no mistake. Why?

"She doesn't have a valid reason yet she still remains adamant against our.. relationship." she answers his unspoken question, "And that's why I'm here."

“Want me to talk with her, love? Maybe there was something she was doubting about?”

“Are you sure?”

“Gladly.”

Without another word, Harry takes Y/N's hand to follow him from behind. Slowly, he opens the door and finds Ilitia pacing in the living room – looking all confused and anxious.

“Good evening, Ilitia.”

“Granny..”

“Mia cara!”

The old woman quickly pulls her granddaughter from Harry, making the young couple shocked by her act. Ilitia stares at Y/N and him in turn, before standing to shield Y/N from the man who just escorted her granddaughter back home.

“You better go home, Harry.” Ilitia warns him, “And please, never come back.”

“Did I something wrong, Ilitia?” Harry confusedly asks, “Why are you suddenly like this?”

“I don’t like you.” Ilitia scoffs, “My granddaughter is better off without you.”

“Granny!” Y/N cries out, “Why did you say that? You were fine with him before. He didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Ilitia, I apologise if I made a mistake. But, please. If you don’t like me, please tell me the reason so I can fix it.”

"The way you can fix it by staying away from Y/N, and forget her." Ilitia hiss, "I don't want my granddaughter to get hurt if she's still with a man like you."

"You're talking nonsense, granny. You don't even have a clear reason why I–"

“Y/N Y/L/N!”

Y/N flinches. This is the first time in her life that her grandmother yelled at her and called her full name. She's sad and ashamed by the way Ilitia treats her like a child. Never once was Ilitia like this before. Her heart sink and her tears are ready to burst. Before Ilitia and Harry see her crying, she quickly leaves them both to burst into her room, making them both hear how loud she slams her door.

"Ilitia, I don't know why you hate me so suddenly. If I made a mistake, then I'm sorry. But, please give me a chance to prove to you that I won't hurt her. We both love each other and…"

"Love?" she scoffs, cutting him off, "Are you sure about that? Don't tell lies to me. We both know what's your intention; you're just fooling around with Y/N. My granddaughter's future is bright even more if you stop this nonsense. Whatever you're having with her is just bullshit!"

“Excuse me?”

“I know who you’re, Harry. Don’t fool me.” she pushes him out, which makes him wonder why this old woman is strong enough for her age, “Just leave before you regret everything. I just want to protect my Y/N.”

Harry winces as Ilitia slams the door right on his face, making the hanging pot next to it rattling. He doesn't understand what Ilitia told him. What makes him even more confused, why did she dislike him so much? He was always nice to her and didn't do anything wrong. He's always trying to please her beloved granddaughter and makes a nice impression on her.

Maybe Ilitia was just tired and had a lot of thoughts that made her like that. He hopes tomorrow everything will be fine and back to normal. He wants Ilitia to like him because he knows how much that means to his Y/N. . . . .

When Harry opened his eyes this morning, he felt something strange.

That day was gloomier and sorrow, as if a storm was coming. The sun even seemed shy to shine on the Earth, dark clouds clustered over the sky. And when he passed the shore, the waves looked fiercer than usual.

And, he doesn’t know why.

The unexpected scene a few days ago between him, Y/N, and Ilitia still nagging his mind. He hasn't met Y/N again because he doesn't want to annoy her grandmother, meanwhile, he also gives Ilitia time and space to calm down.

He was thinking about what caused Ilitia to despise him.

He and Y/N never quarrelled, he never made her cry. Their so-called-relationship is fine. Then, what?

Then, he remembers Y/N’s face that night. She looked sad, obviously wanting to cry yet she holds back. He never saw her so sad, he always saw her smile and laugh even when she was tired.

Oh, Harry misses her.

He misses her smile, her laugh. Everything.

He hadn’t seen her for days, but during that time they’d been texting each other. He couldn’t call her because she was worried that her grandmother would hear them. He also couldn’t see her at work since, according to Mia, Y/N asked to take leave. When he confirmed it to her, she didn’t deny it. Ilitia forced her to take leave because her grandmother knew Harry would try to see her.

But, on that day, his heart forces him to meet her, whatever the risk. He hopes that during the few days he didn’t see her, her grandmother will soften up on him a little.

So, he takes his keys and quickly drive to her house.

On the way Y/N’ house, he then remembers his wife who hadn’t sent him a message like usual. Every week, he would receive a roll of parchment about his wife’s longing letters, and that made him feel less lonely. Selene would tell him her daily life or whatever she wanted to tell him.

But, that feels like it’s been a long time.

She stopped send him the letters since his return to Centauri that time.

And he wonders, why.

However, with Y/N by his side, his loneliness was relieved. His void of love and affection is perfectly fulfilled because of her. That woman always showered him with care, attention, and.. love.

Love is a strong word, Harry knows that.

But, he feels it. He feels it towards her.

Yet, his heart hesitated. How could he love two women at once, at the same time? How could he fall in love with another woman when his wife is always waiting for him at home.

That's what made Harry never clearly declare his relationship with Y/N. He never makes their relationship official as a boyfriend and girlfriend. She knows his feelings and so does he. Their feelings aren't unrequited, and that's enough for him for their relationship.

It’s like he’s having affair. And he’s very well aware. However, he cannot let her go. He’s addicted to the woman. He sounds selfish, he doesn’t want to lose Selene if she finds out, but he also doesn’t want to let Y/N go.

He knows his behaviour hurts the two women, and he wants to be selfish and keep them around. He cannot imagine losing one of them, or both. He loves them too much to lose them.

Strangely, it only took a few weeks for him to fall in love with Y/N, but it took years for Selene to win his heart.

Although there is some Selene's behaviour that he doesn't like, but he cannot deny that it was Selene who never got tired trying to capture his heart. While many females threw themselves at him, she remained patient and tried until he finally melted at her.

Meanwhile, Y/N.

The darling, sweet Y/N.

She didn’t overtly show her efforts to win his heart. Yet, her shy and sweet gestures that melted him. She has this factor that made him unable to get the woman out of his mind, and let her creep down and capturing his heart.

If Harry likens his wife to a fierce woman, Y/N is more shy one who’s gentle and very careful with everything. They’re very different, and he never knew he could fall in love with two opposites females.

Nevertheless, he doesn’t want to think about it now. All he thinks are his longing for Y/N. He cannot wait to see her.

When he arrives at her house, he gets out of his car with a smile painting on his lips. He didn't forget to buy a basket of her favourite flowers when he stopped by the middle of the trip. He's a little confused to see her door is wide open. Were she and Ilitia having guests? But, their house looks deserted.

With confident steps, Harry rushed inside. Yet, his frown gets deeper when he sees the living room was messy. Everything scattered on the floor. Something must have happened.

“Y/N?”

“Ilitia?”

He calls them loud but no one answered.

This is strange.

He’s getting inside, seeing the kitchen and dining room empty. Then, he sees Ilitia’s bedroom which the door is closed. His mind begins to diverge, thinking about nonsensical things. His heart starts to race fast when the house feels even more empty with the two hosts nowhere to be found.

Then, he faintly hears dimmed sound from Y/N's bedroom. Without thinking twice, he immediately runs and seeing the door was open. His eyes found a scene unfold that makes him feels the time freeze and everything stopped. *

oops...  👀

[tinysatansierra-blog]

Markiplier manor is toxic here’s why

So Markiplier manor (Markipliers official discord server) has gotten a surplus of new people in it, this happened a few weeks ago the manor itself though has been up for awhile. originally a members only server it was eventually opened up for everyone and yes there are alot of genuinely good people and the mods are alright but unfortunately its becoming a toxic environment. 

SO EDIT i have discussed with the mods that being said ... im keeping this up as a reminder of we can do better we can help people who are struggling through something instead of shutting them down we can listen to people who are being oppressed and bravely point out new media that only worsens that oppression and stigmatization and not just the mods who i was kind of harsh towards but who are human everyone as a community can do better and this is a large community think of the work we can do just doing the basics like boycotting problematic content and helping those who cry out for it who need it (and noticing and shutting down manipulative/toxic behaviors) ... i dont know if im going to go back to the manor yet tho im going to let this sit give it a week yall can agree or disagree but know that if you try to be an ass your going to get shut down and your feelings are going to get hurt 

lets start with the basics “triggering topics” triggering topics can be anything in particular but it generally means a topic that relates to another persons trauma. Now while it is important to acknowledge a persons trigger words and try to keep the conversation respectable ive also noticed people use it to shut down people who come on freaking out because their dealing with a stressful situation/something traumatic just happened. This has happened to me personally and to a friend with me it was about being pro choice and having to in short make that actual choice. i was discussing this in the bathroom because i (like anyone else who comes in with baggage) did not know about any pro choice discords at that moment and was afraid of being stigmatized or going onto a discord that says its a safe space only for it to be filled with trolls. Mark manor is labeled as a safe space and many people come on there looking for support with me no one told me that the topic was triggering to them (which apparently it was because a friend of theirs had to make the choice not her herself think what you will) they just went to a mod early on when i just found the server as a member a friend (who i wont name) had gotten.... assaulted majority of her werent online and as someone who has been there and yes when she told me it did trigger my own trauma she needed moral support... the mod shut her down and deleted her comments and didnt give her a pointer to any other discord where she could discuss the topic openly and get moral support and be pointed to resources (it actually took me ten minutes to find and confirm a lgbtq therapy chat earlier this year for another individual discussing mental health) this was before i had gotten on for that day but i noticed those messages and i contacted her when she told me what was up yea it triggered my memories and its not fun but I FUCKING HELPED HER i made sure she went to the police to atleast file a statement (while the police dont always help it is good to have it on file) i even made her a plush and shipped it out to her and i would do it again and again because its not good to basically tell another person to shut up because it triggers others not without atleast trying to help them find another fucking place and making sure their actually ok and in a physical safe place  next is them claiming the manor is a “safe space” a safe space is by definition  “ a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.” you would also think that the manor would be a safe space in the fact that marginalized and oppressed groups of people would be able to point out problematic content and have an open and free discussion about it and how it makes them uncomfortable. especially people of lgbtq community which alot of people in that chat are. yesterday (and this was what caused me to officially turn away from the server) in the patio (which is the members only chat) a Transgender individual pointed out the problematic content that is huniepop and how it fetishizes trans people as well as other minorities now this game i hear tries to make itself out as a “parody” .... its not its a sexual dating sim what would make it a parody is if sex noises were replaced with donkey sounds and the lewd pictures were replaced with poorly drawn doodles of tits or what have you its a game for incels marks hilarious when he plays it because he doesnt take the game seriously my issue isnt with him its with the developer. and if you did not know (which apparently people dont) the character poli is described as “a girl with a dick” the individual pointed this out because they felt like it dehumanizes them and paints them as nothing more than a fetish... and also apparently you can “choose” is poli is trans which kind of gives off the message that people can ignore trans peoples identity if it makes them uncomfortable... or if they dont sexualize them. and the muslim community is more or less in the same boat i come from the bible belt in usa im not muslim i am not trans but i do have a reason for standing with both and i will get to that in a bit so i was raised in a christian household in a christian setting like muslim women were basically told we cannot have sex and any sexual thought is sinful and we will be punished blah blah blah your even more closeted if your gay or bi because then you can face ... violence that being said to make the woman from the middle east hyper sexual like they did is kind of shitty even for a incel pleasing sex game. the individual who thought it would be ok to discuss this in the server because its labeled as a safe space and is generally “lgbtq” friendly thus believing he would have people agree and discuss ... was unceremoniously shut down by their peers and a mod was notified this person was not hostile maybe a bit frustrated because he wanted to talk about it and thought he would have this genuinely helpful conversation and people would listen and spread the word because to have problematic content be popular can isolate the oppressed group even more so WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO THEM. if a group of marginalized people notice something problematic with content and you claim to be an ally of said group then you need to acknowledge and support what they say. they told him to go to twitter where he could potentially be bullied and written off ... because again its an INCEL PLEASING SEX GAME.(which means incels if you ever dealt with them will go and say anything to justify the game even using slurs and bullying) and to put the icing on the cake to change the topic they brought up robin ... i actually dont know who robin is as i dont really focus much on youtube creators personal stuff (it feels off for me to not personally know an individual but know their personal stuff without having actually talking to them its weird i know its a thing i have in my head) but apparently they recently came out as female and good for them im super proud of him and the patio members were discussing how they were proud of him as well for beginning to wear makeup and making themselves more feminine which would be great if they werent trying so hard to shut down the trans male who was trying to spread awareness on problematic stuff .... something he pointed out ... and something they gaslighted and said he was being hostile. really its almost as if they only care about trans issues when its someone famous discussing them  so what can we possibly do about huniepop being transphobic and the answer is very easy BOYCOTT IT like... yall were up in arms and boycotted jk rowling with snap and a turn do we only cancel the old and ugly? do we only cancel those who we dont think is funny? mark is not at fault he probably doesnt realize it and any comments made on the issue are talked down upon or drowned amongst other comments im not saying to cancel him im saying to cancel the game HARD. ignore the posts bitch at the dev demand refunds for your game. like consumers have infinitely more power than corps want to admit.  so you basically have a community that claims to be a safe space but only if you want to talk about sunshine and rainbows and its highly hypocritical of them to claim safety.  another thing is emotionally abusive/manipulative people hide in the server and the mods dont ever seem to acknowledge it. i cannot tell you how many times ive gotten into arguments with people who seems nice then turn into assholes then claim to be the victim when i or others go off on them. if you recognize my name you know i dont stand down when it comes to having a snarky or rude comment thrown at me if your going to be an ass were fighting i dont care how nice you seemed beforehand and you dont get to call a mod just because i actually stood up for myself or others sorry not sorry dont be a bitch nuff said.  now why would i care so much about problematic content? why would i care and stand by the transgender and muslim people (aside from being ya know... an actual ally and not someone who claims it for sympathy and brownie points?) its because i am autistic i am also able to function well on my own but there is a movie created by the famous singer sia it is called music it is a movie frowned upon by the autisitic community because infantizes and dehumanizes non verbal autistic people i am fortunate and unfortunate in not having to deal with much stigma unfortunate because i wasnt diagnosed until i was 17 alot of answers about my behavior could have been answered if i had been diagnosed earlier but considering society loves the quiet timid female and i functioned “well” for neurotypicals i was ignored. so yea you bet your ass im standing with them and raising awareness about huniepop and their was this one person when i mentioned this point i cant remember there name nor to do i give a shit about them because when i mentioned how autistic people ... how i was in the same boat with music by sia (again i advise that no one target the actress who was under contract target sia and please boycott her so she knows she cant get brownie points or money for a movie that stigmatizes who she claims she wants to “help” (*cough* profit off of *cough cough*) and only serves as a feel good movie for neurotypicals and ignorant people)  they said “i heard people who hated the movie i heard people who found it alright people are ALLOWED to like problematic content” ... and like ... does anyone else see the problem here? its not hard at all to boycott celebrities for making content  and im going to repeat this point  IF A GROUP OF MARGINALIZED, STIGMITIZED AND OPPRESSED PEOPLE CALL OUT SOMETHING FOR BEING PROBLEMATIC AND YOU CLAIM TO BE AN ALLY YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM AND DONT SHUT THEM DOWN I DONT GIVE A SHIT YOU DONT HAVE A FUCKING EXCUSE. if you cant bring yourself to boycott a piece of media and replace it with the infinitely more suitable forms that supports the group you claim to be for your not an ally your a fucking hypocrite  and that is why i left markiplier manor i am still a youtube special ... thingy member and i will continue to be a member to support mark i want people to overall listen to those who speak up against a creator and a piece of media and listen to us all no matter how “good” something seems. .. also there is a video called listen it was created by nonverbal autistic people  and communicationFIRST a group that sia apparently communicated with for her movie... and then ignored  https://youtu.be/H7dca7U7GI8

[cheswirls]

i had that surgery between posting abt tokrev and now n took a break from reading and so the first half of tenjiku arc is fuzzy BUT i did finish it today so heres an  update, ~190 chapters in

ive been vague b4 but this one will DEF have spoilers im talking openly abt so if you havent finished tenjiku arc dont read anymoreeee

i think i started last time abt the emma ch so to start off this one w the emma ch bc. damn. i think besides being absolutely heartbreaking this cemented kisaki as not necessary the enemy, but as someone who has done wrong. kisaki has been the main villain this entire time, but i mentioned this last time, its different being told someone has done something vs seeing it. besides him n hanma beating up chifuyu, everything kisaki has done hasnt had any proof to it. even when he says  something akin to ‘damn my plan is foiled’ its less admission when theres nothing to back it.

but emma changes that. now theres a homicide associated w kisaki. now theres a bad thing hes done right in front of the mc, and for all the viewers/readers to see. now hes equivocated w the death of emma. 

i think emmas death matters for two reasons, and one more than the other. the first is the impact it has on mikey. its shown a few times now what death will do to him, like w shinichirou and baji, but w emma it hits different. im gonna contrast her and baji on both points, not to take away from baji’s death, but to add to emmas.

if im not mistaken a majority of baji scenes were only shown after his death. i think it worked and the valhalla arc was  rly well structured, but what this left in turn was a sort of emptiness associated w baji dying. the readers didnt rly know him at all compared to some of the other toman captains, and it rly hadnt been shown yet wwhat his relationship w mikey was like. we see the effect it has in his rage towards kazu, and none of his grieving. even when at bajis grave, its chifuyu that gets a bigger focus than mikey. but w emma, it actively tears mikey up. he struggles to carry her to the hospital, hes visibly shaken when he tells takemichi shes grown cold, and hes absolutely dead inside when hina is crying at emmas corpse and drakon is yelling at him asking why he let it happen. it hits hard, and it shows, and it makes the impact that much harder, that she died in the past and theres no way tofix it. and the realization takemichi has right before, of ‘o yeah ive never seen grown emma come to think abt it’ then bam.

the second and much bigger point is the emotional impact is has on the reader. baji appears and is instantly a source of conflict. he outs himself from toman, he joins the enemy, he denounces chifuyu when questioned abt investigating kisaki. theres no reason to trust him n no reason to think he’ll turn back, and then only thing there is mikey saying he wants baji back.

emma had that amazing chapter not long before, and shes had a few focal points previously, like on her birthday, and on new years, etc. we’ve seen her as an individual first, then as mikey’s sister, and that makes a difference. seeing her even admitting izana was her brother rly hit different bc its emma, the emma that grew up w shin and mikey but had another life before that. that was the connection i kept making, even as izana explained he had more relation w shinichirou, bc it was mentioned by emma first, bc emma remembered him, after all those years. knowing izana was involved w her death made it hit harder. it hits harder in general bc its emma, someone whos been around since the beginning, and been explored more in depth. i felt sad when baji died, but i was destroyed and heartbroken when emma died.

which, going back, makes kisaki in turn absolutely despicable. deplorable. abhorrent. unforgivable. even more so when he shoots kaku, and then izana, thrice, and then izana dies. i still rly didnt. get? izanas motivations, but i started to feel for him thru mikey, when he realized it was izana shin meant when he asked abt a second older brother. kaku getting shot was unexpected and almost worse than emma in the moment, bc kisaki had a gun and even knives were kinda taboo weapons, guns were completely off the table, and he shot five times andinjured three people w every shot. im glad the tenjiku members that stayed behind told police abt kisaki bc the entire time he was running i was like um??? and even B4 that i was like hey no mikey you dont need to stay, yall jus nee to beat kisaki into submission n have him confess bc the gun is right there, the bullets are there, cmon now.

but then kisaki dies/????? the way its set up made me go crazy, thinkin someone did it purposely, but then the driver was a nobody, and then hes still alive after impact???? big surprise honestly. but then his arm n leg are emessed up, n he says he cant get up, n it took me a sec to realize he prolly lost coordination n not jus bc of one leg, like he prolly couldnt sit up at all, then he up n died rightthere. 

b4 thattho, was the confirmation. i completely always thought kisaki wasnt a timeleaper, i thought takemichi made atheory but  it was baseless, i didnt rly like it, and then the scene during the vs tenjiku when he says future stuff n kisakis like what?? are yiu talking abt??? BUT THEN then have their standoff in the same parking lot n kisaki says you are a timeleaper and i was like what? he can also??? but then he coudnt! he admitted, was like no in ever could, which means someone else is pulling strings if there is another timeleaper, andmy moneys on hanma, the only other one whos been around the whole time. maybe ill b surprised but i f its not him then theres not another one, imo.

kisaki dying caught me off guard. his whole ten year plan was absolutely nuts, ic ant believe he thought he could go up to hina n straight propose n she would say yes, like honestly would she even remember him at that point? regardless i knew from the cram school chapters that there was some connection there, but i didnt think hina dying was some jealousy-fueled hate revenge plot. wild. but now the “main” villain is dead so what goes from here? we willn see.

i am rly glad kaku made it out. tallying 3 deaths in the kanto incident was so confusing w emma being one of them but the reveal that kaku was alive was rly something. i hope more comes from him!! the setup between him n takemichi was rly rly nice!!!! i wanna see more

i am kinda sad abt coco, bc thesetup of takemichi protecting him from div5 was great, n inui is a permanant fixture in div1 now, so to see coco decide to split was kinda sad. hope he doesnt go down the wrong path. kinda expected to see more knowing how popular him n inui are?? but nontheless

and smiley and angry were so good!! souta and kawata are amazing and souta was not like what i was expecting at all, n now knowing that he cares a lot n is not rly a fighter but iss till in toman jus. rly speaks a lot abt mikeys judge of character n kawatas older brotherschtich that they would let him be vice of div4. seeing what kawata and mitsuya both did during tenjiku arc was rly nice. 

and then hina telling drakon andmikey!!! surprised they believed, but it rly will mak things move now. for ex the gun scene where hes abt to shoot kisaki, rly ready to end it, but then hina n mikey rush in. i rly like that knowing that they both know this takemici is from the future, bc they panic but their faith in him isnt lost ,y’know? like they see him desperate, n drakon has a great line abt takemichi’s desperation, theyre not seeing their friend abt toshoot someone n freaking, n they wont judge his sense of character off of that,instead theyre seeing the desperation of someone who wants things to change, and know they can talk him out of it, or if not that then at least ,like, its not going to change what they think abt him. iunno jus. nice little detail i loved while reading that.

[weartirondad]

Chaos, Yet Harmony

Summary: 3 times Peter made Tony watch Star Wars and the 1 time it was Tony's idea.Or: Peter Parker is unapologetically a geek and Tony quickly realizes that there's nothing he wouldn't do for him.

A/N: this is part of the @irondadsecretsanta and is my gift for @aslanscompass. It was a ton of fun & I wish you all a wonderful Christmas <3

Check out all the other AMAZING fics HERE !

FF.net I ao3

--

i.

Tony was wary when he answered the call at 10 past eleven at night.

He had learned early on that late night calls from teenage vigilantes were never a good sign and that, really, a call at any time from a teenager was a rarity and should always raise a red flag. So, yeah, he was wary but he felt like he was entitled to.

Next to him his fiancée was curled around the dark green plush blanket like a cat and regarded him, staring at the lit up screen of his phone, in amusement. “Don’t yell too much.”

He rolled his eyes and accepted the call, “No promises.”

“Mr. Stark?” came the breathless voice of none other than Peter Parker through the speakers and already he could feel his blood pressure rise and tried to breathe out deliberately slowly.

Calm, Stark, you’re calm.

“The one and only,” he answered and was almost proud of how calm and collected he sounded. Oh how deceiving voices could be.

“Oh!” The kid sounded actually surprised and paused for a second in which Tony could only hear the telling thwip thwip thwip of hectic webbing.

Not the best sign but he was calm. So very calm.

He was also already on the way to the nearest window, two steps from calling a suit. Pepper behind him was now openly laughing but he didn’t look back because –

“Great! I might need a little help here. Something.” Thwip. “Something came up.” Thwip. “Sorta.”

“Sorta?” Calm.

“I mean.” Thwip. “It definitely came up. Yup.” Thwip. “Definitely. How far are you from Queens?” Thwip.

“Three minutes,” he sighed, giving up on the act of sounding completely aloof, half waving to Pepper before turning around, stepping into his suit and jumping out of the window. There went the nice, cozy night he had planned.

“Kid? You still there?”

There was a long moment of no rambling and no thwiping and it was unsettling. If Tony knew that getting late night calls was a bad sign, he was sure as heck that random pauses in late night calls where close to the calling of the apocalypse.

“Huh? Yeah. Just, uh.” Thwip. “Try’na avoid getting hit.”

Jesus.

If anyone was going to test his body’s ability to handle stress it wasn’t his own superhero gig or some spandex wearing traitor, it was a goody-two-shoes kid dressed up as a spider.

“Okay, great. You keep doing that and tell me what’s going on.”

Just keep talking, kid, tell me you’re alive.

Peter started talking and while he sounded a little too excited for his taste he let the familiar sound calm him down. As long as Peter was talking, Tony could convince himself that he didn’t have to panic just yet.

He could already see Spider-Man flipping towards another building when a message from Pepper blinked up on his HUD.

Get home safe. Both of you. I’m heading to bed. Love you.

..

“That was wild, Mr. Stark! Like, super wild. Super mega wild. Super-duper mega –“

“Wild?” Tony suggested in mock seriousness, setting down on the landing pad and watched Spider-Man land gracefully behind him. The second the kid had solid ground under his feet he ripped off his mask and took in a big gulp of air. His hair was mussed, cheeks red and his usually light brown eyes dark, pupils dilated so much not much of the iris was left to be seen.

Typical signs of an active sympathetic nervous system, his mind supplied unsolicited.

“Steady,” he ordered roughly when a bony shoulder bumped into his arm but there was no real force behind it when he reached out to wrap an arm around him to do the steadying himself. As soon as he had him under control he led them to the kitchen to get one of the nutrition bars he had started keeping in stock for Peter’s mutant metabolism.

“S’rry.” The kid grinned up at him sheepishly, rubbing at the mess of curls on his forehead in a poor attempt to tame them. “What’re we gonna do now?”

He raised an eyebrow in silent amusement. “It’s midnight, buddy. You should probably get to bed sometime soon if you wanna make first period.”

“But –“ Peter looked disoriented for a moment, eyes flying back and forth between the clock and Tony felt for him when his searching gaze fell on him. He looked so hopeful, as if he was lost and Tony his compass and he was so certain that he would lead him back home. The genuine trust in his eyes pierced through him and immediately he felt lacking. Thank goodness that deflection was his second nature.

Shoving two granola bars into Peter’s hand, he took a step back to give himself some space to reorient.

“You’re too excited to sleep?”

There was a vigorous nod that had crumbs falling everywhere.

“Figures,” he sighed, “The aftereffects of adrenaline are never fun.” He watched the teenager devour the second bar in mere seconds, mind whirling with doubt. “Do you want me to stay with you until you are tired enough to go to bed?”

Wide eyes found his and, mouth still full, Peter gave a timid nod, uncertain question marks clear in the twinkle of his eyes and the way he cocked his head to the side slightly.

“Okay, let’s make some tea and put on a movie. What do you wanna watch? Frozen?” He turned around to start rummaging through the kitchen for herbal tea.

That must’ve been enough for Peter to finally swallow his food and get his bearings. “How do you even know about Frozen, Mr. Stark? Are you a fan?” he quipped.

He half-turned, kettle in hand, grinning when Peter plopped down on the couch and immediately tucked himself into the blanket Pepper had neatly folded and stashed on the arm rest before she had gone to sleep. “Have you been outside last year? Show me someone who doesn’t know about Frozen.”

“Fair point,” Peter agreed easily, mind obviously already a step further. “What’s your favorite Star Wars?”

“Uh,” Tony put the kettle on the stove, “I have seen about as many Star Wars movies as I’ve seen Frozen movies.”

“You –“ The way Peter turned must put a painful strain on his neck but he looked too scandalized to notice. “What?”

The kettle whistled and he put in two bags of Pepper’s herbal tea before replying, “I have never watched Star Wars.”

“Oh my –“ For the second time that evening Peter looked utterly confused which, for a kid that smart, was especially amusing. “What rock have you been living under? I thought everyone knew Star Wars. Especially old people.”

“Hey!” He admonished but had to admit that it lost much of its brunt when he put down two steaming glasses of tea and started tugging at the blanket to cover Peter’s foot fully. “Be nice to me.”

“I’m being super nice, Mr. Stark. ‘Cause I’m gonna introduce you to a galaxy far, far away. The best galaxy.”

Tony watched in amusement as Peter ordered F.R.I.D.A.Y. to put on Episode IV and then looked eagerly back at him. “You’re gonna love it.”

“This is supposed to make you tired, squirt,” he reminded him, tapping his knee gently.

“It will,” he promised, “Star Wars always calms me down.”

The way he said it made Tony pause, made his heart ache with the harsh reality this kid had had to face and how bright he still was despite of it. Instead of an answer he pushed the glass of tea into his hands and made sure he was all tucked in before starting the movie.

Surprisingly enough Peter wasn’t lying. Halfway through the movie his breathing had evened out so much that Tony thought he was already asleep, cheek mushed into one of the big pillows, curled in on himself.

When the movie was over he stirred, slurring “G’nna watch the rest t’morrow?”

“Maybe let’s split it up a little, whataya say?” He reached out to brush some of his curls from his forehead, surprised by the gentleness of the gesture. “But we can watch them together if you want to.”

“Promise?”

“Pinky promise, kiddo.”

--

ii.

With Peter it wasn’t exactly hard to notice when something was off.

Even Tony, who admittedly was often too caught up in his own world to be fine-tuned into other people’s feelings and was much more comfortable fixing a cranky robot than moody human, could see it from a mile away. Or maybe that was a new kind of sense that began and ended with Peter Parker’s wellbeing. Oh well, he tried not to dwell on that.

The thing about Peter was that, when he was fine, his entire being radiated contentment, his voice tripped with excitement and his eyes shone with laughter. On a good day he was the picture perfect golden retriever puppy and similarly receptive to hugs and hair ruffles.

Today, though, his usual exuberance had visibly deflated and when he came to the workshop he punched in his code and then continued to scuff towards his workstation with only a passing hello. That was not the Peter Tony knew and, frankly, it was worrying to see someone normally so eager and lively so … lacking of life for lack of a better word.

The thing about Tony was that he was, by his own standing, probably the least equipped to deal with someone having a bad day. Heck, his own bad days usually ended in working through every meal, chugging coffee by the gallon and seeing no sun light for hours on end and even he knew that wasn’t healthy.

So he kept quiet at first and let Peter work in hopes of it calming him down because what did he know about healthily dealing with teenage angst on a Wednesday?

He kept a close eye on him, though, because for how much Tony didn’t think he was equipped to handle Peter’s bad days he also wanted to chase the shadows from his face and the hardness from his stance however cliché that sounded.

He wanted to help, he did. He just didn’t know how. So he watched from afar and contemplated.

When Peter dropped the screw driver a third time and was getting more and more agitated with the web shooter he was working on, Tony decided to stage an intervention ‘cause what the heck. He hated seeing the kid so down.

Rolling his chair over to the teenager’s work bench he picked up the tool before Peter could. “You wanna tell me what’s up, squirt?”

Peter glared, which was about as intimidating as a golden retriever puppy glaring, “Nothing,” and reached for the screw driver. Which Tony pulled out of reach at the last moment.  Which made him look even more like a puppy. It was all in the big brown eyes, he decided then.

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“I have a secret identity.”

“Which I found out about in like a day.” He leaned back with a grin and started throwing the screwdriver in the air and effortlessly catching it.

“You’re Tony Stark,” the kid gave back with an eye roll, catching the tool before Tony had the chance to. “But I’m fine, honestly.”

“I mean,” he crossed his arms and watched him turn back to his web shooter rather listlessly, “considering that you not being fine usually means you’re bleeding out in an alleyway I’m not entirely reassured.”

“I’ve never bled out in an alleyway.”

“Yeah, because I flew in to get you before you could.”

“Why do you even care?” Peter snapped at him, a flicker of teenage annoyance dancing in his eyes before vanishing in the time it took Tony to ponder the fact that even this seemingly perfect kid could be annoyed. Finally. “Sorry,” he sighed, proving yet again how much better he was than literally anyone else, “I’m just annoyed.”

If that wasn’t a break-through, than he didn’t know what was. Silently patting himself on the back, Tony reached out to turn Peter’s chair so he was facing him and gently took the screw driver from his hands, putting him down on the work bench before giving the kid his full intention.

“What are you annoyed about?”

He shrugged indifferently, not meeting his eyes, “I don’t know. I just... Ned and I got into an argument and he was being so… so stubborn about it. Like, it wasn’t even that bad but he just wouldn’t budge.”

“Oh no, a stubborn teenager. Someone call the zoo we’ve found an endangered species,” he deadpanned.

Peter glared again but Tony could also see him bite down on his lower lip to keep it from curling upwards.

“Sorry, sorry. What did you and Ned fight about?”

“It wasn’t a fight… not really,” he corrected, “And it was dumb. Like, really ridiculous to be so annoyed about it. It’s not… it’s just stupid.”

Cocking his head to the side ever so slightly he raised an eyebrow and repeated calmly, “What did you argue about? I mean, if you don’t wanna talk about it that’s fine but if it’s got you so up in arms about it maybe you should is all I’m saying.”

“You’re gonna think it’s stupid,” Peter pouted.

“Maybe,” Tony shrugged, “But it’s still okay to be angry about something stupid sometimes. You don’t wanna know about half the things Rhodey and I fought about back in the days. Still do, actually.”

“Now I kinda do,” Peter grinned, then paused. “We argued about the Jedi code.”

“You… argued about the Jedi code,” Tony repeated dumbly, “Like… The Star Wars guys running around in wardrobes? They have a code?”

Big brown eyes flew up to meet his, full of indignation “Of course they have a code! There’s actually a couple different versions of it which is what we were arguing about because he said –,“ Peter stopped speaking midsentence, mouth slamming shut audibly. “It doesn’t matter… You don’t… you don’t have to listen to this, honestly, Mr. Stark.”

He made sure to school his expression and started speaking deliberately slowly, “Peter. I know I don’t have to listen to this. And, as you’ve pointed out before I am Tony Stark and you know I rarely do anything I don’t want to but, kid, you gotta know at this point that I like having you around and I like talking to you. That doesn’t just hold true when you’re your usual bubbly self but also, and especially when you’re not. This is clearly important to you. And if it’s important to you, I’m interested.”

He waited until Peter gave him a nod of understanding, timid as it may be, and leaned back in his chair again, “So tell me about this discourse in the Star Wars fandom.”

The kid didn’t have to be told twice and Tony felt his soul settle when he watched him perk up and dive into what must’ve obviously been weighing him down.

“Okay, so the Jedi code most commonly used goes like: There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge etcetera which, you know, it’s mostly meant to be used as a mantra for meditation to, like, get to a place where you don’t let your emotions overtake you and stuff. And I get that, I do.”

When Tony gave an earnest nod to show he was listening, Peter continued. “But it wasn’t always like that. It used to be: Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge, and so on. And I like that one better because it acknowledges the fact that Jedi do have emotions like everyone else, too, right? I think that’s important! And this whole black-and-white view of ‘There’s no emotion whatsoever’ makes me so mad!”

He was gesticulating wildly, cheeks reddening with fervor as he spoke.

“Putting aside how hypocritical the whole thing sounds, you can’t make people think that having emotions will put them on a direct path to the Dark side when so much of the goodness of the Good side comes from how much they care. It’s all about controlling those emotions enough to not make bad decisions based on them but – Why can’t there be peace with emotion? By giving their Padawans the feeling that they’re in the wrong for being… well, for being people they just make it so much easier for them to fall to the Dark side!”

“It just – it makes me mad how black-and-white they want to make the world seem. And by doing that they start lying to themselves and to their students and what good does a code do when it’s impossible to hold yourself to it? You can’t just go around telling people there’s no Death but the Force when that is, objectively, a lie. Whereas Death, yet the Force acknowledges that people die but gives you the closure of knowing where you’ll find them again and the belief that they’re still with you, somehow. I think … I think that’s beautiful.” Once he was done he slumped together on his chair.

“Feeling better now?” Tony asked, reaching out to pat the top of his head.

“Yeah, a little,” he sighed, “I’m annoyed that we even argued about it but I also don’t like how he wouldn’t even listen to my point of view, ya know?”

“Well, did you listen to his side?”

“I mean,” Peter blinked up at him sheepishly, “Kinda?” The corners of his lips tugged upwards and he gave a shrug, “Maybe not as much as I should have,” he admitted with a sigh. They fell silent for a moment, Tony giving Peter the time to work through the wall his mind had built up.

“Guess I’m gonna text him an apology for not listening and that it’s okay that we have different opinions.”

“Atta boy!” Tony grinned at him and while he knew none of Peter’s maturity was his doing, his heart still swelled with pride of how good Peter was.

“Can we watch Star Wars now?”

“You got your homework done?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Yes.”

“Hungry?”

He laughed, exasperated, “Nothing some popcorn couldn’t fix.”

Tony smiled, then sobered and gave him a once over. “You okay?”

Peter nodded, a lone strand of curl bobbing back and forth, smile soft and true. “Yeah.”

Well, that settled it. He clapped his hands once and got up from his chair in a swift motion. “Then let’s watch... What comes after Episode six?”

“Episode one!” Peter jumped up, grabbing his wrist like a child pulling their parent towards a candy store, “You’ll finally meet Anakin. And honestly that’s exactly my point! Maybe if they hadn’t told him that all emotion is bad –“

He let himself be dragged upstairs and listened to him rambling over the Jedi code and he realized, in that instant, that he was truly, irrevocably happy.

--

iii.

“I cannot believe I let you put me into this,” he complained, his voice breathy and rough.

Peter pulled on his white robe and fastened his light saber in its holder for the umpteenth time. “To be fair, you were the one who wanted a mask. I wanted you to go as Obi Wan.”

“He is blond, Peter,” he shot back like he had the last hundred times they’d had this conversation. He looked around through the dark lenses of his mask, the HUD he had installed blinking up to scour the crowd for possible threads, and sighed, “I miss the days where I was oblivious to Star Wars and didn’t have an annoying teenager dragging me to these things.”

“No, you don’t.”

He was glad the mask hid his smile at the easy banter. It was bad enough Peter knew exactly how wrapped around his little finger he was, he didn’t have to show it time and time again.

“Okay, I don’t. But you still owe me one.”

“But Mr. Sta-a-ark,” he said, dragging his last name for at least two more syllables than it had and looking as pitiful as if he’d actually just lost his hand, “I’m already being punished enough. We’re going to MOMA next semester.”

Despite himself, Tony could feel the fondness shine through as he chuckled, “Excuse me, are you actually voicing dislike in something? Are you actually my Peter Parker or have you officially become a rebel now?”

The kid giggled, honest to god giggled, and shrugged, “Guess there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Mr. Stark. I do dislike things!”

“Really? Name three.” He raised an unimpressed eyebrow, leveling Peter with a glare before realizing that the gesture was completely lost in his costume. Not even the tone translated. He really needed to figure something out for that next time. He couldn’t have his natural charm get lost in the Dark side.

The thought made him stop dead in his tracks – thankfully still unseen by the Jedi next to him. Next time? He hated this costume with a passion why would he consider wearing it again?

Unbeknownst to the inner whirlwind that were his thoughts, Peter actually answered his question after floundering for a bit.

“Well, I don’t like bad people. And hurricanes. And MOMA. Even though, MOMA really never did anything to me, I’d just rather go somewhere else y’know. I mean, it’ll probably be kinda nice anyway? So yeah, maybe I don’t not like MOMA. But – I still don’t like, uh, racists?”

Ah, yeah, that was why he was actually thinking about a next time in this ridiculous outfit. Because of Peter freaking Parker.

“Those are all very good things to dislike, Mr. Parker, but I was actually hoping that all people with a little decency and common sense disliked those things,” he teased. “Just admit that you do not have a single mean bone in your body and that it’s physically impossible for you to dislike anything.”

“That’s not –“

“I love your cosplay, man!” some guy in a badly made Yoda costume whose ears were precariously close to falling off the side of his head and were only held in place by a few strands of grey fuzz interrupted him and the disturbance would have annoyed Tony had Peter’s face not started positively lighting up at the compliment.

“Thank you!” he replied easily with a face splitting grin, “I love yours, too. What’d you use to make the ears?”

“Just papier-mâché”, Yoda replied, obviously taken aback by the interest in his own costume by someone with an obviously home-made light saber. He seemed excited, though, and started rambling about something until he let his eyes wander to the side and took in Tony’s appearance for the first time.

“Oh my god,” he gasped, yes, gasped, and gaped at him like a fish pulled out of water, “That is the best father and son costume ever! Can I take a picture of the two of you?”

And before Tony could so much as utter a word, Peter had already nodded his consent and leaned against him with a huge grin on his face and the other kid was fumbling for his phone and started snapping pictures of them. And then a selfie, because of course.

“Is this real life?” he breathed out almost silently.

“It might just be fantasy,” his sassy AI replied instantly, earning him another gasp and round of big, wide eyes from Yoda.

“Did your mask just reply to you? And did the eyes light up? How did you do that?”

“It’s just a, uh,” very high-tech AI system that was talking back to him, “it’s like Google glasses.” He cringed internally and could feel more than see Peter snicker against his side.

“Oh, like the ones Tony Stark always wears?”

By now Peter was having to work so hard on holding back his laughter that he had gone almost rigid, grinning from ear to ear and happily answering for him. “Yes, yes, Tony Stark is totally wearing Google glasses.”

“Ah, well, I think yours are cooler anyway. I mean you’d never find Tony Stark at the Star Wars midnight premiere.”

Oh, don’t I wish, he thought, ruefully imagining how comfortable he could be on his own couch right now.

Peter, though, Peter was loving this which made him reconsider his earlier statement about the mean bones in his body.  

“Yeah, you’re way cooler than Tony Stark. Right, dad?”

Oh for goodness sake. That sassy dad should not do the things to his heart that it was currently doing. That could not be healthy.

“Sure,” he cleared his throat to get rid of the pesky emotions in there, “I mean, Tony Stark is a pretty cool guy but, uh, yeah, so much cooler.”

And, as if someone had heard his prayers, the doors to the movie theater were opened and a reverent murmur went through the crowd before people – droids and aliens, Jedi and Sith alike – started wandering in and taking their places and finally, finally the thing they were actually here to see could begin.

Tony would complain about that day to anyone who would listen (and to some, like Pepper, who wouldn’t) but when Peter sent him one of the pictures the Yoda guy had taken, he framed it and put it up next to the picture of him and Rhodey proudly presenting Dum-E in his lab.

Until, of course, when he broke it in a moment of uncontrollable grief because looking at all he used to have just hurt too dang much.

--

iv.

“You coming, kiddo?”

The voice came out of nowhere, startling him so much he almost toppled over the front porch’s wooden railing he was leaning against.

“Wha-“ he whirled around and his heart simultaneously sang and sank, “Oh, it’s just you.”  

“Yeah, just me. Sorry to disappoint.” The quip fell from his lips easily but his mentor’s dark eyes shone with concern. Somehow that made the lump in his stomach grow even heavier.

“That’s not – I mean, uh, I’m not –“ he stumbled over his words, cringing at how high-pitched his voice sounded even to his own ears, “Sorry. I’m –“

He stopped midsentence when he realized that he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say and just shrugged, coupled with a small smile that was definitely fake and evidently did not convince Mr. Stark of anything.

He was still coming closer, slowly and careful of the shiny prosthetic that sat where his arm used to be.

The image made Peter sick and he tried to focus on his face instead. There were a few more wrinkles than he remembered, especially around his eyes and mouth – from laughing no doubt. He was sporting more grey hair, too, and he looked comfortable in his dark blue cardigan where he used to wear suits or band shirts. He looked exactly like someone who lived happily in a lake house.

“You okay, squirt?”

He snapped out of his spiraling thoughts and, on reflex, started nodding.

“See,” he stopped when he was next to him and leaned against the railing, too, facing Peter who turned to face the small boat that was moving ever so slightly with the lake’s small ripples. “I don’t believe you.”

Huh.

“You’re not okay.” It was a statement, leaving no room for him to argue.

“But –“ He was cut off and a part of him was glad for it because what was he going to say anyway? He was a bad liar and Mr. Stark good at reading him. That, at least, was something that hadn’t changed.

“None of us are really okay and that’s okay,” Mr. Stark said and turned to watch the lake now, too. “Or so I’ve been told repeatedly. But, as I’ve also been reliably informed, we have to talk to each other to get better.”

He shrugged and crossed his arms in front of his chest, tugging both hands under his arm-pits to keep them from shaking.

“No talking, I take it?”

He shrugged again.

“Would you let me hug you?”

His head snapped up instantly. The question came as a surprise but sounded honest and hesitant and attentive and it made his head spin. But, when he took a moment to think about it, he ended up nodding. He didn’t think there was a whole lot he would refuse the man for a while.

Almost immediately he was being wrapped into a strong healthy arm and pulled close until Mr. Stark could bury his face in his hair and take in a deep breath. He couldn’t help but notice how heavily his mentor was leaning against the railing while holding him but he also noticed how his entire body seemed to loosen as the hug went on, how tension and worry slowly sept out of his stance.

Peter noticed the same for himself, too, and somehow that made him want to cry.

The arm around him was steady and it held him together when everything had seemed to fall apart and his head was spinning and he felt his eyes tear up and his heart beat speed up and he suddenly wished that he could stay here forever.

Which was ridiculous. Mr. Stark just wanted to give him a quick hug and go on with his day. He couldn’t know how liberating his touch felt, how cared for and valued and loved Peter felt just by being in his arms and he couldn’t just tell him. He couldn’t –

But it felt so nice.

“Hey, hey, bud,” Mr. Stark sounded worried and it felt like he wanted to pull away and Peter’s breaths started coming in quicker at the thought. There was a sound somewhere in the back of his throat and Mr. Stark stopped pulling away but still loosened his grip.

“It’s okay, kiddo,” he shushed him and Peter had to swallow down a sob because this was getting ridiculous but it felt so nice, “It’s gonna be okay, I promise. It’s gonna be okay.”

After a moment he had caught himself enough to not start breaking down and gave a nod. “I’m –“ he sniffed and whispered, “Thank … Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

For a moment it seemed like his mentor wasn’t going to say anything but then he gave a small smile and pulled him into his side instead. “Anytime, kiddo. Now let’s watch Rogue One. The Force is telling me it’s time for a high stakes-tragedy-comfort movie.”

Despite himself, Peter let out a wet giggle. “There’s never a wrong time for Star Wars, Mr. Stark.”

“I know, I know. It’s tradition. Or so you keep telling me,” he said and the fondness in his voice almost made Peter cry again.

He didn’t, though.

They went back into the empty lake house – May, Pepper and Morgan were having a girls day apparently – made themselves comfortable on the big couch and put on the movie as if they had never done anything else. They moved like a well-oiled machine, like a team that had been working together forever.

Peter was curled into Mr. Stark’s side and his thumb was constantly caressing his knee and it felt wonderful. It felt like home.

The lump in his throat never left.

Somehow it kept growing with every passing minute and with it the loneliness and while he felt right at home it also felt like he shouldn’t. His body felt out of place, as if all the pieces of him had never truly reintegrated, leaving him with holes in his being that he wasn’t sure how to fill.

He watched Chirrut Îmwe blindly walk across battlefields and single-handedly eliminate an entire garrison, trusting the Force to keep him safe and the blazing desire for that kind of certainty hit him unaware.

Maybe that was the whole problem, he realized slowly, as he watched Galen’s message to his daughter and that was when the first tear fell, silent and painful.

Ever since he had come back barely anything had seemed certain anymore. There had been things he had believed to be unchangeable but then a mad Titan had snapped his fingers and his beliefs had turned into dust alongside his body and half the universe and then he had come back and everything had been different and even things that appeared to be the same just weren’t.

May had been gone, too. They still loved each other the same way they always had. Unconditionally. Unquestioningly. Easy. She never had to miss him, never faced a world without him in it. She was the only constant he could claim but everything else –

He couldn’t understand how it had been five years and Mr. Stark had a wife and a kid and a lake house and how he could have still missed him with all that. How he could’ve even had the time. Why would he miss Peter of all people? And, and…

Mr. Stark’s affection was different now. Fiercer, gentler, more… more parental. Or maybe it wasn’t different but he was more open with it. He looked at him the way he looked at Morgan and he couldn’t make sense of that. He couldn’t.

Why would anyone miss me?

He kept circling back to the same question.

Whywhywhywhy- Why me?

He didn’t notice he started full on crying until suddenly the screen in front of him was blurry and his cheeks were wet and his breaths came in rough. He tried to breathe through it, to keep his body calm and steady so Mr. Stark wouldn’t notice but it made his lungs feel like they were on fire trying to keep it all in.

As if he had read his thoughts Mr. Stark’s hand moved up from where it had been resting on his knee and started rubbing slow circles into his scalp. He didn’t move otherwise, made no attempt to pull away and when he spoke his voice was barely more than a whisper.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Did he? He knew if he started talking, he’d start spiraling and he’d lose the last ounce of self-control he was clinging to. He didn’t want that.

He shook his head, but his body started shaking more violently anyway when he couldn’t breathe through the sobs anymore.

“Shh, that’s okay, buddy, that’s fine,” Mr. Stark murmured, “But stop trying to bite down on your tears. I know how much that hurts. It’s okay. Let it out. I’m here.”

He kept talking – quietly, soothingly, calmly – and at some point Peter’s body decided to listen and he stopped trying to keep quiet and when the first sob broke through his lips he buried his head in Mr. Stark’s stomach and let himself cry.

It hurt and more often than not Mr. Stark had to remind him to slow down his breathing so the oxygen could reach his brain and it didn’t seem to ever stop. But it was also freeing.

Every sob that tore through him gave voice to a pain he had buried inside like needles in his soul that he was pulling out one after the other. For the first time since he had come back he felt like he could breathe again.

His lungs were finally uncurling fully, the weight that had been sitting on his ribcage was gone. He could breathe and at first he gulped in the air like someone pulled from certain death through drowning. He felt like he had been suffocating for weeks and this was the first time someone had pulled his head above water again.

“Slowly, squirt, slowly. Breathe nice and slowly, the air’s not going anywhere, I promise.”

And if Mr. Stark promised to keep his head above water it must be right. After all, Mr. Stark always kept his promises.

They didn’t exchange anything other than those small reassurances and soothings until the end of the movie. And Peter shed a few tears when the inevitable happened but he was tired and cried out and so emotionally drained he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to feel again.

Still, when Princess Leia appeared on the screen he felt the same flutter of hope in his chest that he always felt when he watched it and his soul settled.

“Hope,” she said on screen and the single syllable word echoed through his body, spreading like a bonfire and melting places that had been numb for days.  

Everything was going to be okay.

When the credits started rolling, that’s when Mr. Stark started talking again starting with a cough to clear his throat that sounded like he had been crying, too.

“I know you may not want to talk about it, Pete, but I feel like we should.” He sighed and he sounded sad and strong at the same time. More importantly, though, he never stopped running his fingers through his hair. “You may not have heard but I’m a responsible adult now. Someone who makes kids talk about their problems.”

Peter snorted and Mr. Stark gave a chuckle.

“Granted, Morgan’s tears are usually about whether or not we’re letting her have that second juice pop but we do talk about that.”

“You give her the juice pop, don’t you?” His voice was scratchy but Mr. Stark didn’t comment on that. He laughed quietly.

“It depends, honestly. On whether or not Pepper is around when the tantrum starts.”

“You’re a great dad to her,” he whispered in reply and if he had thought he had calmed down just half a minute earlier then his heart felt like splitting open again now. He couldn’t put the finger on it, didn’t want to admit to himself that it was jealousy of the time they had that he would never get. He hated himself for thinking about it. If anyone deserved a family it was Mr. Stark and Morgan was the sweetest child. It was just –

Morgan belonged with her family, she was a Stark through and through – stubbornness and smarts and all. And Mr. Stark belonged with Pepper and his daughter, too. He knew that. He wanted that for them.

He just – he had thought that he had kind of belonged with Mr. Stark, too, but how could he now that he had been gone for five years? How could he ever belong anywhere ever again?

“As they say; practice makes perfect,” Mr. Stark spoke, completely oblivious to Peter’s thoughts, “Guess it gets easier the second time around.”

For a moment he forgot to spiral into self-doubt and angst and stopped. A Second… Second time? Huh?

As if he sensed the wordless question, his mentor pulled him closer and buried his face in his hair again. It seemed to soothe him as much as it calmed Peter. He seemed comfortable this close. Happy, at home.

“See, squirt, I know that I didn’t raise you. I would never take that honor and privilege from May and your Uncle Ben and your parents. They made you in the person you were when I met you and that person was already better than anything I could have ever hoped to achieve. But then,” he paused as if unsure how to continue, “We did meet and I did get the honor of being in your life, of mentoring you, of caring for you. I made a lot of mistakes at first and – My biggest mistake was trying to keep you at arm’s length.”

“I don’t – I don’t understand,” Peter whispered, pushing himself up far enough to meet his mentor’s eyes that were glistening with unshed tears. His gaze softened even more when he saw his own tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes and there was a shadow of anguish and a spark of love in them.

“I know,” he sighed, never breaking eye contact but shifting them into a more comfortable position, “You can’t understand because I never told you. Not really. But, Peter, you have to know, that you’re my kid. You are as much my kid as Morgan is. You made me want to be a dad, made me want to prove that I could because I wanted to be one to you and I didn’t want to fail you. And –“ he stopped and a shudder went through his body, “And then I did. I failed you and I – I never forgave myself for that. And I never stopped missing you. God, I missed you so much, Pete.”

But … “Why would you… Why me?”

“Because, Peter. Because you’re my boy and I love you and the world was so much darker without you in it and because every awful moment would’ve been less awful with you and every good moment would’ve been perfect. I – I kept going, I went on because I had to. Because there were Pepper and Rhodey and then Morgan. I had to keep going but that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you every single second of every single day.”

“I’m scared that I don’t belong anymore. That I don’t belong anywhere anymore,” he admitted finally. The shameful confession uttered so quietly that the words almost got lost in his mentor’s heavy breaths on his cheeks.

“Oh,” Mr. Stark looked at him stunned, like he had grown a second head for a good moment before leaning forward and pulling him back in, holding him tighter than he had ever held him. Both arms folding across his back with the prosthetic cutting into his skin but it didn’t matter, it didn’t. Because he felt held together in place, in a place where he belonged and where he was wanted. He was being anchored and kept from drifting off into the infinite vastness of space and he was so incredibly grateful.

“You belong here, kiddo,” he took in the fierce words in his ear, let them run down his back and warm him like a hot shower after a cold day. “You belong with me and you belong with May. You belong in Queens and you belong here, in this lake house that has been planned with your bedroom in mind. You belong with your family and, for as long as you let me, I will never let you go ever again.”

He cried some more after that – cried himself to sleep that night in fact – but Mr. Stark was there the whole time, holding him, whispering reassurances and tickling a wet smile out of him eventually. The next day was a little bit better. The self- doubt didn’t evaporate, didn’t leave right away.

Some days were worse than others, some were better. Some the voices in his head had him going mad with why’s and what-if’s and some days he couldn’t even hear them over Morgan’s giggles and May’s bad jokes and Mr. Stark lecturing Dum-E.

Coming back wasn’t easy by any means and it did take a while but a couple of weeks later, he jumped out of Happy’s new SUV, running up to the front porch and flying into Mr. Stark’s waiting arms, and his thoughts hummed happily with only one thought.

I’m home.

[bibliothesoph]

these days (let’s talk about your mental health)

There’s sunlight streaming through the window––too bright for however early in the morning it is right now. Henry goes to move his arms over his eyes to block out the vicious light, but his arms won’t budge. His eyes snap open then shut again because the light is practically blinding, but he gets his vision back (for the most part) after a minute of blinking. It’s a white room which is probably why it felt so bright. There’s a window to his right letting a sunny day in New York into the room, but it’s not his window and this isn’t his room. This might not even be anyone’s room at all. Based on the weird, cheap-looking picture of a watering can full of plants, he guesses that it’s some impersonal room that hundreds of people filter through. And it smells clean––too clean. Like bleach.

Something’s beeping to his left so he looks over and sees what looks and sounds like a heart rate monitor there. There’s an IV drip, too, that he follows to the back of his hand. His hands are cuffed in some sort of white material that wraps around his wrists and tie into the bed somewhere. His feet, it feels like, are in the same boat. He tries to sit up but he can’t fucking move and there’s no one in here to help him. Where’s Alex? What happened? Why is he here and why is he in restraints? He feels his breathing go shallow and rapid like he can’t get air. He has no idea what’s happening and he’s terrified and alone and where is Alex?

The door opens and, like he somehow conjured him with his mind, Alex is standing there with a cup of coffee in one hand and cup of water in the other. He looks sad––teary-eyed, puffy-faced, downturned lips.

“Alex?” he asks in a hoarse voice.

Alex’s head instantly snaps up and looks at him. His lips turn into a slight, sympathetic smile as he moves over to the seat by Henry’s bed, setting the drinks down on the small table and taking one of Henry’s hands in his own. “You really awake this time?”

Henry furrows his brow, completely baffled. He doesn’t remember any other times. “I think so,” he says.

Alex strokes the back of Henry’s hand with the pad of his thumb. Gently––like Henry might break. “You were out for a while. I’m glad you’re back, though.”

Henry shakes his head because he still has no idea what’s going on. He doesn’t feel like he was in an accident of some kind––he doesn’t feel any physical pain. He’s got a headache, but it feels more like from his brain going into overdrive than from some sort of external damage. Also, an accident wouldn’t warrant the use of these restraints. That’s probably the most troubling part about all of this. “What happened?”

Alex sighs and leans down to kiss Henry’s knuckles. “There was a bit of an incident,” Alex explains. “You don’t remember?”

Henry shakes his head.

“Why am I here? Why am I in restraints? Alex, what’s going on?”

“Shh,” Alex coos, using his other hand to push some of the hair off of Henry’s forehead. “I’ll explain everything, okay?”

Henry nods, silently agreeing to stay quiet as Alex explains what’s going on.

“When I got home last night, I couldn’t find you for a while,” Alex begins. His voice is thick with emotions and, for a moment, Henry almost wants to tell him to stop talking if it hurts him so much, but Henry needs to know what’s going on. “I found you out on the balcony and I don’t know if you had been drinking or what was going on, but you clearly weren’t yourself. You were saying all kinds of things––worrisome things. It––it scared me to see you like that, you know? You were crying and on this long tangent about your work and the world and all of this stuff and then you just sort of…collapsed. Into my arms.” Alex pauses and wipes at his eyes. “I called Shaan because I thought he might know what to do. Like maybe this was something that had happened before? Anyway, we brought you here to see what was going on. The restraints were more of a precaution than anything because…you were pretty worked up. When you came to, you kept crying and trying to leave and you kept saying you were fine but…”

Henry squeezes his hand. He doesn’t remember a single moment of this, but he believes Alex with all his heart. He knows that he’s the kind of person to be reluctant to accept help, even when he needs it, so it makes a sort of sense to him. He doesn’t think he was drinking, though. Or, at least, he doesn’t recall drinking. Maybe he was drinking, though? Maybe that would explain the headache?

“Do they know what happened?”

Alex shrugs. “They have theories, I guess. They didn’t find alcohol in your system, though. They think it might have been some combination of dehydration and exhaustion. I had to tell them that you hadn’t been sleeping much recently and about how you feel sometimes.”

Henry nods and tries to process this. It seems possible that the way his mind is contributed to this little incident, at least partially. He’s had a few experiences with this sort of thing before––times where he isn’t sleeping or drinking enough water and his thoughts just get louder and louder until he doesn’t even remember anything but what he’s shouting at himself inside. It’s like he’s hearing himself scream over and over again but no one ever hears him––no one’s there to help him. He’s never really seen it as an issue before, though. Everyone he’s known has periods where they’re not themselves. And he’s sure he could remember what happened if he wasn’t feeling so drowsy from what was most likely a sedative.

“You okay?” Alex asks. Alex scoffs at himself and shakes his head. “Sorry, that was a stupid question. I mean, obviously you’re not okay. It’s just…what can I do? Besides get you out of here?”

Henry stares at him for a moment, so overwhelmed with love for him that he can hardly stand it. “I don’t know,” he tells him honestly.

Alex nods thoughtfully and thinks about it for a moment. “Can I make a suggestion that you totally don’t have to listen to?”

Henry nods.

“I think you should see someone.”

“I’ve got a therapist an––”

“No. I mean, I’m sure that’s good, too, but I mean, like, someone that can get you help. A diagnosis, maybe? Medication?”

It’s not something he’s ever talked about. Mental health. His family very pointedly ignores and sidesteps all conversations about it because, well, he’s a prince, right? He’s not supposed to be sick. But he’s not really sick, is he? Not in the way the Queen and Philip might see it. He’s struggling––he knows he’s struggling. And medicine or at least some sort of plan on how to deal with it will probably help him. When he thinks about it, it seems silly that he hasn’t thought of it before. It’s something he should have done as soon as he came to New York and didn’t have to ask anyone’s permission to go to a doctor.

When he’s discharged from the hospital, they get a referral for someone he can go meet with and talk to about how his brain works and the thoughts that sometimes drown him. Alex goes with him, of course, but waits outside with Shaan while Henry steps into the office. It’s a nice place––very private and cozy. Not half as clinical as he thought it would be. The doctor––Dr. Sanders––smiles at him warmly when he comes in and gestures for him to sit in an oversized armchair across from her.

“I have to admit,” Henry chuckles as he sits down, “I think my boyfriend will be offended that there isn’t a sofa or a chaise lounge or something in here.”

Dr. Sanders smiles at him and writes something down. “Your boyfriend might watch too many soap operas.”

“I’ll have to have a word with him about that, won’t I?”

She smiles again and offers her hand to him. “I’m Doctor Sanders,” she says as he shakes her hand. “Are you ready to begin?”

It’s only an hour-long and it’s mostly just Henry explaining how he feels and the various coping strategies he’s used in the past that don’t seem to work all that well. By the end of it, he’s holding his breath while she smiles at him and starts to tell him her thoughts and next steps they can take.

Depression.

It’s the first time someone’s said it aloud to him.

She explains what this means both in general and for him as an individual. It’s oddly comforting to hear someone talk to him about this sort of thing so openly. Alex has done a wonderful job as being as supportive and understanding as possible, but it’s not really the same. It’s not a diagnosis. It’s not a word that Henry can hold onto and repeat and know why he is the way he is. And the doctor explains that, from the sounds of it, it’s something he’s been dealing with for a while. At least since his dad died. And maybe it’s silly, but he feels like there’s a weight being lifted off his chest when she talks him through different possibilities for medications and coping strategies.

When he leaves her cozy office, he has a slip of paper in one hand and a smile on his face. Alex stands as soon as Henry reenters the waiting room and wraps him up in a massive hug.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” Alex tells him into the crook of his neck. “You’re so brave.”

Henry kisses his cheek and shows him the paper. “There’s a word,” he says with a smile.

Alex––still smiling––tilts his head. “A word for what?”

“For me,” Henry tells him. “For what I am––for how my brain works. I––Alex, I have depression.”

“And that makes you happy?” Alex asks. There’s no malice or judgment in his voice––just baffled curiosity.

Henry nods and kisses him. “Very.”

Alex makes Shaan stop on the way home so they can get the prescription filled. And Here knows that it’s going to be a long journey of finding the right medication and that there are some rough patches in front of him, but he’s got Alex’s hand in his own and a word he can use to describe the swirl of emotions that have been churning inside of him for so long now.

Depression.

Christ, it just feels so wonderful to know that he’s not alone––that this diagnosis puts him in a never-ending group of people who are just like him. It fills him with hope to know that there are people he can talk to about this––people that will understand his occasional bouts of melancholy and non-responsiveness. Even though he knows that Philip and his gran would never approve, he doesn’t even care.

He’s Henry, the Prince of Wales, and he has depression.

And he’s going to make damn sure that he uses that to help other people like him.

[badjoices]

My Life With You

IV. So There's This Guy... Dean's been spotted around town and made quite the impression on the local singles. (All chapers can be read stand-alone)

Read on AO3 | Fic Masterpost

The sun was long past the horizon, the high street illuminated by the yellow-amber glow of the street-lights and the dim coloured lights spilling out from the bars. The spring air was cool and still, the whoops and hollers of the rowdy Friday night crowds echoed through the centre of town.

In one of the bars that lined the street, a group of early-thirties women gathered together to toast to another week of work behind them. Pushing past their exhaustion was their relief, their ecstatic joy at being free at last, even if only for two days. The ladies sat around a high circular table covered in a rainbow of different fruity cocktails, curly straws, and paper umbrellas. Already the table was littered with empty glasses of drinks long since backed.

“So…” began one woman, Rachel, pushing her long blonde hair behind her shoulder. “I saw the hottest guy at the playground the other day.”

Tia, a tattooed, bespectacled brunette, leaned in eagerly. “Oh?”

Rachel gave a knowing look to her friend before she began her story…

“It was on Wednesday, on my day off. I took Ethan out to the playground near my house, and it was all normal; the usual moms and nannies,

“Anyway, then I spot this guy helping his little kid, the cutest kid by the way, on the slide. There are a few dads around sometimes, you know, but this guy- when I tell you he was cute, it’s an understatement,

“He was so good with his kid too. The way he smiled at that kid, it was like he felt just so lucky to have him. Every five seconds he was squeezing him, or ruffling his hair, or kissing him on his little forehead.

“I just thought, I bet he’d make such an amazing step-dad, maybe I should get on that. A guy like that’s definitely not single I bet. I don’t know if he’s married, I couldn’t see a wedding ring from where I was sitting, but I was pretty far away.”

“So you didn’t speak to him?” a third woman, Sara, with hair in a neat puff and arms wrapped tight in a thick cardigan, asked, straw perched just below her lip poised to take another sip.

“No, I just watched him from afar.” Rachel sighed dreamily, recounting the man’s devilish smile and angled jaw in her mind.

“Why not?” Tia pushed, playfully slapping her friends arm. “You need to get back out there since Mike.” she spits the name and follows up with a gagging gesture.

“I know, I know.” Rachel shrugs, shrinking somewhat from her earlier excitement. “I’m still working up to it, but if I see him again I swear I will.”

The fourth woman, Yulia, took a big sip of her mojito, almost like a deep inhale, then added. “I have a cute guy story too.”

Tia perked up immediately and starting bouncing in her seat. “Okay, okay, spill.”

“So,” Yulia began, fiddling with her tall glass and nervously shuffling in her seat. “He’s been coming into the café every morning to get coffee,

“He’s tall- actually not that tall, maybe six foot? But still - tall. Anyway, he came in on Thursday morning and he actually made conversation with me. When he got up to the counter he gestured up to the menu and was like ‘I don’t know what half these things mean’. And I just laughed really nervously; it was so embarrassing. His smile was so pretty, you guys, I just melted. Then he said ‘Cas is the one who knows about all this stuff, I can’t keep up, you know, coffee is coffee.’

“I think Cas is his wife or something ‘cause then I clocked he had a wedding ring on. Shame. Anyway I just said ‘yeah’ really awkwardly in a sort of half swoon; I couldn’t come up with anything to say. Then he goes on to order the most complicated drink with like, three different flavour shots in it. He says ‘it’s not for me’ like he’s so embarrassed about it, it was so cute. I was like ‘no judgement, you can order whatever you like’. I really didn’t mean to sound so thirsty.

“Then he leaves and, I don’t wanna admit this, but I watched him go, you know. Nice ass.”

Sara, who was seemingly the most composed of the four, shook her head, snickering at her usually timid and reserved friend openly thirsting for coffee shop guy. Tia was frowning, trying to string together a thought that was forming messily and incoherently in her slightly tipsy mind.

“That kinda sounds like the guy who fixed my car…” Tia mused, voice a little slurred.

“Oh my gosh,” Yulia gasped, more excited than this particular revelation really called for. “I think coffee shop guy did say he was a mechanic at one point.”

“Wouldn’t it be crazy if it was actually the same guy though,” Tia said, before taking a big sip through her straw. “The car guy was really hot too. Like, I was twirling my hair the whole time laughing at everything he said.”

“Oh my god, Tia,” Sara shook her head. “Did you know he was married?”

“Yeah I saw the ring, whatever,” Tia laughed. “I bet I can steal that bitch’s man.”

“God, stop it.” Sara scolded through her laughter.

“Seriously, unless she is the perfect vessel of divine beauty, I could totally steal him,” Tia continued. “I mean, when I came to pick up my car there was definitely something there,

“I walked up and he, unprompted, was like ‘you’re the girl with a cute little bug, right?’. I was like,” Tia stuck out her chest, letting her cleavage peek out of her tank top in a cartoonish pose, and began to speak with an over-the-top sultry tone.

“‘Yeah, that’s me; cute girl for the cute bug.’. And then he laughed a little bit. Then he even commented on my tattoos he was like ‘nice sleeve’ and we talked about them a little bit and I asked him if he had any and he said he has one, but it’s on his chest. So… I was a little brave and I said ‘Oh, well you can show me some time if you want’ and I could have sworn he got a little flustered.”

“He probably got flustered because he was at work and he’s married!” Sara protested.

“Maybe,” Tia conceded with an unbothered shrug. She seemed a little lost in her thoughts. “He looked so good with a little car grease on him though. I’d buy a calendar of that guy. You know, I would so objectify him.”

“Tia, please.” Rachel grimaced. “Here’s me talking about a sweet loving father, and then there’s you flirting with a married mechanic.”

“I mean, not to be judgemental,” Sara added. “But how do you know he’s not like a typical misogynistic macho type?”

“What, just because he’s a mechanic? That’s so judgemental, Sara, you can’t make assumptions like that.” Yulia scoffed. “He seemed really sweet. When he was talking about his wife, you could tell he really loves her. I didn’t get a typical ‘I hate my wife’ vibe from him.” Yulia gave a sympathetic look to Tia. “Sorry, Tia.”

“Doesn’t matter, I still think I have a shot.” Tia shrugged. “What ‘bout you, Sara? You got your eye on anybody? Some nerdy glasses guy who reads Jane Austen or whatever it is you’re into.”

Sara rolled her eyes. “Actually yeah, a really sweet guy came into the library this week with his kid. He’s probably too old for me, and I think he’s married, but he had dark hair and really nice blue eyes,

“He took out a bunch of picture books and he told me that he’d just moved here recently. He also borrowed some gardening books, which was like, swoon. He just seemed so genuinely sweet and honest. The way he spoke was just… kind?”

“He’s definitely gay.” Tia asserted. Sara just gave her a weary look. “I’m just saying every guy you like turns out to be gay. You have a type, and it’s gay guys.”

“No way! Dan wasn’t gay.” Sara pouted.

“Yeah, but he was bi, and he moved to Florida to be with his boyfriend Julian.” Rachel added.

“Well technically I had a shot with him. You know, before he moved to Florida.” Sara said, deflated. “I mean, library guy didn’t seem gay. Not that it matters anyway.”

“How does someone seem gay?” Yulia pondered honestly.

“Well it’s not like there’s one set of traits for gay people,” Tia said. “But I think a pretty good predictor is if Sara has a crush on them.”

“Shut up.”

“Woah guys, oh my god!” Rachel hissed, patting Yulia’s arm furiously. “The guy, the hot dad, he just walked in. Don’t look, but he’s right by the bar!”

The other three immediately started craning their necks, very obviously, to get a good look. There at the bar seeming to be ordering a pair of drinks was hunter, husband, and father; Dean Winchester.

“Dude, that’s the car guy.” Tia said, getting a good look by standing up on her tippy toes.

“Yeah, that’s coffee guy.” Yulia confirmed.

Tia sat back down. “Don’t tell me that’s library guy too?”

“No,” Sara shook her head. “Library guy had dark hair, remember.”

“Uhhh, that him?” Tia said, pointing towards the table that Dean was quickly approaching, two beers in hand, where a smiling Castiel sat in wait.

Sara gasped. “That is him.”

Dean, as soon as he had placed the two bottles down on the table, leant down to plant a quick kiss on Cas’s lips. As he pulled away, the girls could see Cas smiling up at Dean, his gentle gaze soft and sincere, while Dean looked back at Cas like he was looking at the most precious thing he’d ever laid eyes on, which he was.

The ladies sat in stunned silence; what they’d just witnessed was somehow disheartening and heartwarming all at once. Tia was the first to speak.

“Sara, you’re cursed.”