#and letting him insult me. i don’t even know where he IS. and that’s growth

[fingertipsmp3]

Like it’s none of my business but I still do think about messaging her saying ‘why don’t you just find a nice girl instead of pining over someone who is never going to fuck you’ and then turning off my phone

[saeist]

to my first ── s. itoshi

synopsis: words i'll never get to say. from me, to you, my first genre: childhood lovers(?), mutual pinning, angst? word count: 3.9k warnings: the interactions with sae is basically just memories of the reader? hopefully i can pull off whatever writing style this is. pls bare w/ me!! notes: this is a little personal for me to write. i just felt like i needed to write this out of my system (T—T) i keep having reoccurring dreams about this specific person and i'm going crazy reminiscing what we could've been (i was literally 11 years old) listening to: about you – the 1975 & you were beautiful – day6

as much as you hate to admit it, you do believe in the saying "first love never dies"

first love, 

first love is something you’d describe your relationship with sae itoshi. 

you don’t really remember how it all started. everything seemed hazy to you now. like a long, lost forgotten memory you buried deep inside your mind. you swore you’d never relive those memories, as it felt like reopening an old wound

it's been almost a decade since you both left with unspoken words and feelings but you're sure that you've moved on. you're sure you are. you have moved on long ago when you realized you'll never see him again

it was silly really. it only took you a photo to remember everything about what you had with sae. maybe agreeing to catch up with old distant family friends was a bad decision on your part. apparently catching up with distant family friends also meant looking through old photo albums, reminiscing the good memories

looking back through the years, there were just moments in your life where you thought to yourself that maybe, just maybe everything wouldn’t be as shitty as it was now if you two were still together. times where you wished and prayed that everything was just a dream and as soon as you wake up, you know he’s still there.

with you.

it was in elementary school where you first met sae

among the other kids in your class, you and sae just strangely clicked. except for the times sae just felt the need to comment and insult the way you do things but despite that, there was a strange but comforting feel between the two of you

you've just recently moved to the neighborhood and coincidentally right next to the itoshi's. that meant that you lot would walk home together after school which prompted you and sae to get to know each other a little day by day

surprise was an understatement when sae first asked his mom if you could come over after school. mrs. itoshi was more than delighted that sae actually made friends in school but what she didn't expect was it was you who came over, the new girl next door

sae had felt something different about you and you knew that. he treated you differently than the others. he was more gentle and more light with his words with you. if it was anybody else, he would’ve already lashed out on them calling them prickly names to get under their skin

ironically enough, you two first bonded over minecraft.

“honey, i’m home” sae called out in a bland sing song voice, his player entering the house that you specifically made for the two of you

“what was that about” you giggled, whacking his player with your own

“nothing” sae says quickly placing his minecraft bed next to yours. “c��mon let’s sleep”

maybe you two were just naive as kids, not knowing what the warm feeling in your chests really means

it was the summer of sixth grade when you started to see sae in a completely different light

at this point, you and sae were known as childhood friends and nothing more. over the summers, you hung out with sae less frequently

it was no big deal, though. it was just kids going through personal growth. even if you and sae didn’t hang out like you used to back in elementary school, the family hangouts continued. over the years of you and sae being inseparable, both families had also bonded and formed a close friendship, becoming what one would call family friends.

there was a math training camp that your school holds every year and your dumbass decided to join for the baseless reason that your friends were also joining that same year

in your defense, you only joined because you didn't want to be left out on what they did over the weekends at school. so much that you eventually signed up even if you couldn't be bothered to answer math questionnaires that you don't even understand

however, towards the end of the training camp, you found a completely different reason on why you decided to stay

turns out sae had also signed up (probably because his parents and teachers encouraged him to join after seeing him excel in academics especially in math) for the math training camp

you will never forget the look on sae's face he saw you enter the classroom. he didn't think you were the type to join these type of things. when you catch his stare, you gave him a small wave and sat right next to him — to which he pays no mind, he was busy paying attention to the proctor up front anyway

—

the long day filled with reading different levels of math has come to an end when the proctor leaves the classroom

you let out a sigh of relief, leaning back on the armchair, brain completely fried from exhaustion. what the fuck did those symbols even mean? could you six graders really answer all those questions?

sae snickered beside you, glancing at your exhausted face

"tired already?" he asked, tilting his head to the side. the way he said his words almost felt like he was mocking you but you know he means well

"haha. very funny mr. genius" you laughed obnoxiously, waving him off as you look up at the ceiling

"just saying" sae puts his hands up in mock surrender. you can already see the smirk on his face but for now, you don't fight back. not now. you were too tired to come up with a snarky response

amidst to your small talk, your classmates had began flinging each other's shoes. tomfoolery, as you'd like to call it. how they still have the energy to make fools of themselves like they didn't just go through psychological warfare learning about a whole new world of mathematics hours before is beyond you

you sat up straight, attention now at your friends, “look at them.. what idiots” you commented, stifling a laugh as you watch friends and classmates run around the classroom just minutes after the proctor had left

sae bit back a laugh and nods in agreement. “yep”

you both shared a look before bursting into laughter.

you like to think that was the start of everything. the start of fire you two unknowingly ignited.

you don’t regret attending that damned math training camp your school held that one year. you don’t regret wasting your precious afternoon trying to answer those damn questionnaires that you don’t even understand. you don’t regret sitting next to him that day, 

you don’t.

—

the night after the first day of your school's annual math training camp was never the same ever again

that was the night you and sae began talking online for the first time. after hours, as you'd like to call it. the initial message popped up on your screen, and soon, a stream of text flowed seamlessly between you two

it all started with just a simple 'hello, what are you doing right now?' to discussing basic interests, to different niches you two are into, and before you know it the birds were chirping and the sun was already been up. the quiet of the night had been filled with the soft tapping of your keyboard and controlled laughter, creating a private bubble where your friendship deepened and kept in the digital realm for years to come.

this went on for a good month before you realized that he had became a daily routine to you

despite all of that, it was still pretty hard to believe that you got close with sae again in just a short amount of time. you two were drastically different. you didn’t particularly stood out as you just liked to keep things to yourself and close friends. sae on the other hand, he excelled both in academics and sports. even going as far as taking piano classes during the weekend just because

you like to think that maybe it's just fate, a twist of life’s unpredictability, or maybe it's something deeper that neither of you could yet understand?

who knows?

it was in your homeroom classroom where you felt butterflies for the first time

you two were now freshmen in high school. fresh off middle school, fresh off that summer where you and sae had the whole world in your hands

the transition to high school brought with it a mix of anxiety and anticipation, the new environment buzzing with energy and the promise of new experiences

you and sae were deskmates at the start of the semester. you can't tell if this was on purpose by the teachers or fate was just doing it's thing

up until now, your unlabeled relationship with sae was going steady. just the usual chitchats and banter after school in the comfort of your two homes

you were just sitting beside him, listening to the teacher up ahead when you suddenly feel a hand snake their way on top of yours. the hand quickly intertwined its fingers with yours, and you’ve never felt that weird feeling in the pit of your stomach before

what was that?

you turned your head to look at the only person who could do such a thing

it was sae

it was sae, who was looking directly at the teacher in front of him like he was the only one present in this room. completely disregarding your curious stare beside him.

all of a sudden it felt like everything has gone into slow motion. the classroom around you seemed to blur, the chatter and movements of other students fading into the background as the touch of his hand anchored you in the moment

before you could've reacted further, the bell rang

sae untangled his hand from yours and walked away to move on to the next subject as if nothing had happened, leaving you to process the lingering warmth on your skin amidst the bustling noise of students packing up and the chatter filling the classroom. the abrupt return to normalcy felt jarring almost, the ordinary sounds and movements of your classmates contrasting sharply with the intimate moment you had just shared.

you can only stare at his back in complete shock on what just happened

what the fuck just happened?

little did you know, that was just the beginning of everything

—

you were starting to think you were going crazy. you're convincing yourself it was just some sick twisted dream. it has to be, it had to be. there was just no fucking way that just happened

asking sae directly was a bit too much, and you knew that. you knew that he wouldn't give you a direct answer– hell, you're lucky if you'd even be given an answer about that

so instead, you decided to test the waters again. if you could somehow lure him into doing it again then, you'd have your answer

your class was at the library for some reading exercises when you decided to put your plan into action. It was simple, really. you placed your hand at your side under the table, hoping sae would take the bait.

he did.

sae tightened the grip on your hand when he intertwined them for the second time today. it was like he was trying to tell you a message through that little action

this time, you dared to look at him. you lightly tugged on his arm, hoping it would catch his attention

to think your little plan had actually worked the second time, you knew something was up between the two of you.

sae decided to play coy, much to your disappointment. he began writing down in his notebook using his left hand while his dominant hand was busy holding yours under the table, yet he still showed no other signs of acknowledgment what-so-ever

it almost felt like he was tormenting you

sae feels a small smile tug on his lips when he catches you looking away while pouting.

how cute, he thought to himself

you didn't know how to bring it up to him later on when you two get home but you don't miss the way the tips of his ears have a slight tint of a red hue when he held your hand under the table

whatever this set up you two had, it went on for awhile without anyone noticing. sae would randomly hold hands with you under the table and shake you off once the bell rings as you move on to the next next class

sometimes you think he’s doing it on purpose to mess with you but at the same time, you don’t. 

it was during science class when sae blushed for the first time

it's times like this that you were glad your teacher made you sit at the back row

instead of listening to your teacher's discussion, you had your own discussion with sae, who was seated right next to you about movies you've both watched growing up

“that’s not how it goes though” you hushed, trying to not raise your voice as the science teacher was in front of you, teaching a lesson

“you’re wrong then” sae argues back, jotting down notes on a piece of paper. 

you clicked your tongue in annoyance, “did you even watch the movie?” you asked, raising your voice a bit. sae suddenly looks up from his paper and looked at you, annoyed

“i should be the one asking you that” he argues, diverting his attention back to his messy notes. you wonder how he could still be at the top of the class when his notes are all over the place

before you could argue further, it seemed like the entire class including the teacher was listening to your little argument

“would you mind sharing your heated discussion back there to the class?” your teacher chimes in, halting your heated argument at the back.

you and sae both freeze in your seats. you slowly turned your head to see the rest of the class staring at the two of you with knowing smiles and smirks.

sae opened his mouth in an attempt to defend himself but the furious blush creeping up from his neck to his face says otherwise. 

“kids these days..” your teacher teased, obviously up to date with the rumors circulating around you and sae. the class giggled as sae shifted awkwardly in his seat with an obvious blush on his cheeks.

your ‘relationship’ with the red head has been slowly progressing into something more. that of which didn't go unnoticed by your fellow classmates and teachers

whatever your status was with sae has already spread among the class. the innocent teasing of your fellow classmates, commenting how cute you two were as a couple spread like wildfire. 

you're not too sure if what propelled your relationship with sae was caused by the innocent teasing by your classmates

it was in his room when you asked sae what you two were

you were almost akin to the itoshi household that it didn't bother them that you'd stay over for multiple periods of time. you were like the daughter they never had and they've always welcomed you with open arms.

you held hands with him again that night. you were lying down on his bed with him, a few inches of space in between. “distance” is what he says as he intertwined his hands with yours – again.

“this is weird.. what are we?” you asked.

sae shrugged, holding your intertwined hands up high, almost like he’s inspecting it.

“i don’t know”

you don't miss the small smile on his face when you waved goodbye to him when your mom picks you up after work

there were times where you just wanted to ask him, “why me?” but you knew he would just throw a backhanded compliment saying that you were more tolerable than the others he knew. 

instead, you didn’t think too much of it. you’ve already brought up the question to him in your daily conversations. to which he usually just dismisses it as nothing

after all, he himself wasn’t sure if you two were even a thing.

[10:45 PM] you: sae, seriously.. what are we?

[10:46 PM] sae itoshi: i don't know

it was in the hallway when sae accidentally lashed out on you

sae was addictive

sae had became a drug that you couldn't stop taking. ever since that night, you couldn't end your day without at least talking to him. sae had become apart of your everyday routine. you had grown accustomed to his daily commentary about anyone and anything

it turns out not only his teachers can make sae flustered, but also his own set of friends

they were teasing sae again when you walked right past them. there was an unspoken rule between the two of you where you two act like you weren’t that close outside the classrooms, something you never really understood the concept of

you rolled your eyes per usual and ignored the obvious innuendos thrown about the two of you. 

“why do you look constipated?” you laughed as you two finally got some alone time at the back of the classroom, just a few minutes before the classroom gets filled with students after lunch “it’s my friends, they’re being stupid as usual” he scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“why? did they say anything about us?” you joked, swinging your feet off the table

sae visibly stiffened at the question, “yeah but it’s nothing to be concerned about” he huffed after giving it much thought

“i want to know what they said” you whined, pouting in front of him. somehow it occurred to you that he actually gives in when you throw the puppy eyes at him.

sae flicked your forehead, “no.” he says flatly. you grab onto his hand, swaying it slightly. “sae c’mon just tell me i swear i won’t be offended” you pestered him, poking his chest til he gives in. 

“they said disgusting things about us okay?! happy now?!” sae snapped. “i won’t get into detail but i really wanted to wipe the smirk off their faces” he seethed

“oh..” you squeaked, feeling small

sae picks up on your sudden discomfort and pulled your head against his chest. “i'm sorry. i didn't mean to yell" he murmurs, "don’t worry though. they won’t bother us anymore. i already told them off earlier”

it was during rin's 14th birthday when sae realized he liked you

you were at his house again. it was his brother’s birthday and your family came over late due to the fact that your younger brother also had his kindergarten graduation on the same day.

“you’re well dressed today, y/n-san” his brother, rin comments as you enter their house.

“that’s because i came after brother’s graduation” you retort, tapping rin's cheek, not forgetting to greet him his birthday wishes

“yeah right” his brother scoffs, pushing your hand away. he was exactly like sae at the end of the day “use protection or whatever..” rin says when you knock at sae's room before you enter

you were about to tell rin off for saying such things about you and his older brother when sae yanks the door open

“what the hell was that dumbass talking about— woah” sae's eyes peered over to the dress you were wearing. " you look pretty" he mumbles, grabbing your hand and dragging you inside his room

it was almost midnight when you realized that you talked the night away with sae in his bed, under his covers

"oh shit, it's almost midnight" you pulled out your phone to check the time that reads 11:11 PM

sae took a moment to listen for his parents laughter outside his door. he pats your head and intertwined your fingers under the covers

"it's fine. they're still having fun outside so let's continue what we were talking about" sae says, going back to the topic that you lost track of

you pulled your intertwined hands as you take a good look at it

"sae, i think i like you" your little naive self admitted

sae smiled but you didn't see it

"i like you too"

before you could’ve said anything, the door to sae's room bursts open to reveal rin and your little brother.

in that moment, you and sae sat up and tried to fix yourselves. not like you two did anything inappropriate but the mere thought of it just sent shivers down your spine. not when rin and your little brother were at the age where they would tattle to their respective parents

"i think we're going home" you murmured to sae, patting his leg before standing up and walking over to your brother and rin

"i'll chat you when i get home, sae" you waved goodbye, closing his door on your way out

you missed the big smile on sae's lips when he realizes that he liked you back

it was the following summer when you unexpectedly had to move away

it all happened too fast

some complication had happened between the jobs between your parents that resulted to having no choice but moving far away to the countryside

from what you've heard, your parents and sae's parents had a falling out amidst everything. your dad was convinced mr. itoshi had something to do with his job then word got out then one thing led to another and now you're here, being told off by your mother that you had to cut all contact with sae

"just for a couple of months til we get back on our feet. we don't want them to know where we are" your mother tried to convince you. she tried so hard. she inevitably had to take your phone and deactivate whatever social media you had on there to keep your locations a secret

this was stupid, you thought to yourself. this was between the adults but you still lived under their roof so you had to do what they said

you never saw sae ever again after that

they say fate can be the most cruelest thing

it's been almost nine years since the incident that you had to leave the life you spent years yearning what you could've lived

nine years of radio silence from both ends of a string you call fate

your family had reconnected with a mutual friend that didn't take sides when your family and the itoshi's had a falling out

you met up with the mutual friend and had a good long conversation about how life has been treating you since then

one could say you never got the closure you wanted after that day. even if nine years had passed, the little girl in you who sae had on the palm of his hands, still firmly believes that if you two were destined to cross paths again after all these years, it would all still be the same

your mutual friend had graciously showed you a recent picture of sae itoshi over the years and all you could say was

wow.

it's too late now, you think to yourself. nine years too late. you already had your life figured out. you were finally happy and in a committed relationship for a couple of years now but yet, the feelings you didn't know you still had in you, all crashed around you with just a single picture of the first boy you think you've ever loved

── they say first love never dies

maybe in another life time, in another universe, maybe you two will cross paths again. this time, in the end it will end with you.

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story pt 29- The Higher Realm

Next part. A little shorter, but I think part 30 or 31 may be the end of the official story, not counting any side parts. Wish me luck!

Masterpost linked here

_____________________

“Adonis is here.”

As I processed his words, I watched the glowing words: “Soul transfer 59% complete.“ fade away. Once they disappeared, I felt a surge in the strange dark power with me. I looked down at my hands, seeing a barely visible power coiling around them.

Finally, I broke past 49%! And I can sense this power better than before. It’s definitely growing, whatever it is... even if I can't use it still. Hopefully this become something useful!

“Bel? Are you okay?” Liam’s questions broke me from my thoughts, and I looked back at him, the brief flash of dark power fading back into nothingness.

“I’m okay. So Adonis is here? Already?” At the grim news, I rubbed my hands together in excitement. “FINALLY! It’s time to unleash my super secret trap!”

“Your trap?” Liam rubbed his shoulder, likely still feeling the pain from his gunshot wound from the lower realm. “Is this what you’ve been sneaking off lately to set up?”

“Yep!” I grabbed Liam’s hand and pulled him over to a carefully marked cleared area just far enough away from the cave to protect it. It may not be much, but it’s Liam’s home… my home. I’d rather Adonis stay far, far away from it.   

Liam was staring down at our clasped hands with an absentminded smile, and didn’t seem to pay attention to our direction. Looking around once we stopped, he was clearly confused. “Why are we stopping here?”

“This is where we want him to find us.” I said with a confident grin.

At my words, Liam gripped my hand tightly, as if afraid that I would be taken away. His anxiety was almost palpable.

I tried to reassure him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Nothing good can ever stay here, Bel.” His eyes were filled with a sadness close to despair. “No matter how much I’ve tried to prevent it, everything here eventually withers and dies.”

“So do you want me to go back with Fart Sniffer McGee?”

He let out an involuntary snort at the silly, insulting name. “No I didn’t say that! I just…”

“Well, perhaps you should…”

A new voice spoke out as Adonis walked out from between the trees, standing in the small clearing in front of us. Seeing me, he smiled, a cocky expression. “Hello, Bel! Looks like your tamed monster recognizes reality better than you. Isn’t it time you admit it too?”

“There’s only one monster here," I said with a polite, distant smile. " And it’s not Liam.”

Adonis frowned. “Don’t deflect, Bel. The truth remains.”

“Truth?”

“What this villain said is correct: Nothing good can survive here. You don’t… you can’t belong here… you belong in the Higher Real. Even this beast knows it. You belong with me!”

“So you knew we were talking about you?” I turned to Liam, chuckling, “Look at him, so readily accepting of the new name Fart Sniffer McGee.”

“Very self-aware.” Liam nodded solemnly.

“Personal growth.” We both applauded politely.

He didn't seem amused at our antics. “SHUT UP!”

“Ooh, I don’t think he likes it.”

Liam shrugged. “We can think of others.”

“Ooh! A new one every day!” We threw out a few, each one more childish and ridiculous than the last. Once we reached “Captain Bum Nugget” however, Adonis finally snapped.

“I SAID SHUT UP!” He took a step forward with a threatening gesture, and I let out a shout of victory.

“FINALLY, YOU HIT THE MARK!” I quickly pulled a rope on the ground, and a net holding a load of large smelly... material... fell. Adonis was quickly covered head to toe, and was knocked to the ground by the weight of the net and its contents.

“…”

“…”

There was stunned silence, but it was quickly broken by my laughter. “That’s what you get! Did you really think you could waltz right into OUR realm without consequences?! Enjoy being smelly!”

I looked over at Liam, expecting him to agree with me… but instead he was staring at the… material… coating Adonis with a horrified expression. He then sat down on a nearby stump and slowly put his head in his hands.

“Bel…” He sighed as he spoke. “Do you know what that is?”

“It’s feces!” I answered cheerfully. “I assume from some sort of large beast, although I’ve never seen anything in this realm big enough to make poop like this! It took forever to collect it and set up this trap.” I thought for a moment. “It’s strange though, this has weird flecks in it, almost like tiny jewels… such an odd thing. Do you know which animal…?” I trailed off as I saw Liam’s shoulders shaking. Is he crying?

Liam finally lifted his head, laughing uncontrollably, his face bright red. After a long moment, he finally said “Bel, it’s very creative revenge, but… next time, why don’t we work together to plan it, okay?”  His tone seemed resigned.

“…Sure.” I hadn’t expected such a big reaction from him, but quickly agreed.

Adonis finally recovered from his shock.  “Bel, it’s time to go home.” His voice was low and intense, but the intimidation factor was incredibly dialed down by his feces-covered appearance.

“I AM home, Adonis.” I grabbed Liam’s hand again. “I’m staying here with Liam. In fact… we’ve just agreed to get married!”

Adonis lunged forward, but we took a huge step back, avoiding him.

“Cut the crap, Bel!”

“Ooh… poor choice of words!” I tried to high five Liam, who hesitated for a long moment, and then finally gave me one with another sigh.

Adonis was undisturbed. “Joke all you like. You can’t change reality with quips and funny words.” His face was distorted by a snarl. “I don’t know how you’re still alive, but even if you’ve found a temporary measure, it won’t last forever. You are a heroine. THE heroine. Your very nature rejects and is rejected by this realm. The longer you stay, the weaker you become. Even if you force yourself to remain here, then the realm itself will begin to destabilize and fade.”

His words struck like a blow. “You’re lying.” I whispered, wishing I believed my own words.

Adonis chuckled grimly. “I don’t lie, Bel. You and I don’t agree at all on a lot of things, but you know me well enough to know I don’t lie.”

“That doesn’t mean you tell all of the truth.” Liam finally spoke up, glaring.

Adonis didn’t back down. “Shut up, Monster.”

“Stop calling him that!”

“Silly, innocent, Bel.” Adonis laughed at my outburst. “What do you think Liam is?”

“Shut up.” I didn’t want to hear what he had to say.

“I already told you: I don’t lie. I call Liam a monster because that’s exactly what he is.” He grinned. “ A literal monster. Don’t believe me? Just ask him.”

I felt Liam shaking beside me and gripped his hand tighter. I knew Liam wasn’t human, but I don’t want to learn the truth from Adonis. Which means I have one option left:

“Yeah, I know.” I rolled my eyes, and stated nonchalantly. “Liam told me a while ago.”

Bluffing.

Adonis was taken aback by my confidence, but soon his eyes narrowed, studying me. “You don’t know. He wouldn’t tell you!”

“Think what you want.” I shrugged. “But I’ve been here a while… since you kidnapped me and dumped me here, by the way… and it would be impossible for Liam to hide his true self for this long.”

“You…”

“I know everything.” I lied, knowing almost nothing. “And I don’t care. I’m staying with him anyways.”

Adonis was silent for a long moment, looking at us both, his gaze dropped, focusing on our clasped hands.

“FINE.” He turned around, and I tried not to chuckle as he trailed poop on the ground.

But his next words stilled any desire to laugh.

“This place will either kill you or destroy itself. The end will come sooner than you expect. If you don’t care about all the countless lower realms and all their innocent inhabits out there that you are condemning to destruction by staying here, then at least care about your own well being, or your friend’s, as he needs this place to stay alive.  If it fades... well, you know. I’ll come back to collect you once you’ve come to your senses.” He shook his head, and I felt a growing sense of dread. “Give up, Bel. You must accept your fate.”

He was gone, and Liam and I were left alone.

I let go of Liam’s hand, stepping away, and he reached out as if to catch me, his hand pausing mid-motion, his face pale.

His terrified eyes met mine. “Bel… I can explain.” Liam’s voice was hoarse, his eyes red, his hand still in the air, shaking. “Please… I’ll tell you everything. Just… just don’t hate me, please…not you too.”

My heart broke at his pain. I reached out, grabbed his outstretched hand and pulled him closer, hugging him tightly. “I don’t hate you.” I could feel his entire body trembling. “Not even a little.”

He stepped backwards, a small nervous smile on his face. “You say that now but… You don’t know my secret yet.”

“No matter WHAT you are, Liam. You are you. And that’s all that matters.” I held a finger against his lips as he started to speak again. “That being said. Why don’t you tell me in the morning? You and I are both tired, and I don’t really feel like hearing your biggest secret after Adonis the Poop King threatened us. Tell me in the morning, IF you really want me to know."

Liam’s smile grew, his whole expression lighter. “The morning then, I’ll tell you for sure.”

We separated to get some sleep.

_____________________

Fragments of worlds flashed through my dreams, one after the next, so quickly I couldn’t grasp what was happening. The few scenes it lingered on made me wish it hadn’t.

…

He was on the ground, bleeding from a gunshot wound. The growls of zombies could be heard in the distance. My eyes were blurred with tears.

All I could see was blood, too much blood.

“Liam.” His name escaped my lips.

“Sorry, I have to go first.”

More blood.

“Next time, let’s get married? “

…

Before I could respond I was in a new world, facing him once more. He was larger, more muscular, but too pale. Laying on a bed. Two small puncture wounds were visible on his neck.

“Liam… wake up.”

My hand, shaking, tried to check a pulse, hoping, praying to find it.

There was only the stillness of death.

…

World after world, flipping through too fast to remember. Finally, it stilled once more.

“Why do you always die, Liam?” I was crying once more.

He laughed a sad sound, but I couldn’t see him. His voice was above me. “That’s the fate of a villain, Bel. That’s the fate of a monster. I was never meant to be happy. I was only ever meant to be sacrificed for others’ happiness.” He faded away to nothing, and I was alone in the dark.

“Liam.”

*** YOU MUST ACCEPT YOUR FATE***

The blue words hung there, threateningly, and I backed away. The words followed, leaving me unable to run away even if I wanted to.

_____________________

“LIAM!”

I woke up in a cold sweat, struggling to sense what was real and what wasn’t. Breathing deeply, I pushed myself up, getting out of the bed, moving towards the center of our cave.

I wanted to find Liam.

I searched all the rooms, however, and he wasn’t there.

Panicking a bit, I walked out of the cave.

Thud.

Something small and white fell from the sky and landed at my feet. I looked closer. It appeared to be a white dove. Its neck broken. Blood pooled underneath it, almost staining my feet.

“What…?” Where did the dove come from, how had it survived in this realm? Why did it die?

As I watched on in horror, the blood moved and formed into words:

YOU MUST ACCEPT YOUR FATE,

I ran away. I was no longer sure if I was still trapped within the dream or if reality itself had gone insane. Nothing else mattered but my goal:

I needed to see Liam.

“Liam!” I called out again, seeing some traces along the ground and following the trail. I could hear movement up ahead, and Liam’s voice, talking seemingly to himself. The voice was familiar and not at the same time, spoken with a deep harsh tone.

“Okay, I just have to be calm, Bel said she doesn’t care what I am…. NO!… this is stupid, I should run away… but I can’t run away, that would mean leaving Bel behind… Maybe, I could take her with me? … YEAH! ... But wait... that defeats the purpose of running away to keep her from finding out what I am!”

I heard a loud growl and a thud. The sounds didn’t seem human. I slowed down, getting a glimpse of an enormous dark something beyond the trees in a large clearing ahead as his voice continued.

“Okay, just tell her the truth, and explain all the benefits… free heating source... free rides flying in the sky… umm… something else…  Come on, Liam! Think, think!”  

More crashes sounded out, and I hesitated to move into the clearing. What will I find?

I thought of my dream, of Liam in many forms dying in front of me. I thought of the bloody message scrawled out in front of the cave. I can’t back away now.

“Liam!” I called out, trying to keep my voice from trembling. “I’m here! Can I come into the clearing?”

I didn’t want to force him, especially hearing his anxious rants.

Liam let out a shriek, the sound mixed with a strange inhuman growl. “BEL?! Umm… so...you want to come into the clearing… I’m a little indisposed at the moment…”

“Liam.” My voice was soft now, but in the dead silence of the forest, I knew he could hear me. “I want to see you. I won’t run away.”

“…” The silence dragged on and on. Just as I was about to give up and walk away…

“You can come.” He sounded scared, resigned, but at the same time, determined.

“Are you sure…?”

“I’m sure.”

I took a deep breath and stepped forward.

Immediately I looked up, tilting my head back all the way upwards just to see his face. He was large, not quite as large as the ancient beast from previous the lower realm. If then he had been the size of a mountain, now he was the size of a three story house.

He was darker than the night sky above him, with shining scales interlocking in a tight armor.

Spikes rose up in a long row, bristling, protecting his back.

Large wings, with stretched leathery skin flapped nervously behind him.

A long winding  neck, leading upward.

Teeth, enormous and deadly, protruded from an elongated scaly jaw.

And looking straight at me, unblinking, were his eyes, the vertical slit pupil set within a wonderful, familiar dark blue. The face seemed unsuited for showing emotion, yet I could see everything he felt within the depths of his eyes.

Nervousness.

Excitement.

Caring.

It WAS Liam.

Liam was a dragon.

I hesitated for a moment, and in that silence, I saw the fear bloom brightly within his eyes. His head tucked in, hiding underneath his wings.

“Liam… you’re a dragon?” I phrased it as a question, but he could be nothing else. “Wow, that’s really cool!”

"Really?" Slowly, his eyes peeked out from his wings.  “You’re not just saying that?” It felt strange to hear Liam’s voice coming from this form, but it was the familiar sound that reassured me as well.

“Nope! I think you look very strong and awesome!” I reached out a hand and moved forward, Liam stuck out his head close, allowing me to touch the side of his face. The black shiny scales seemed softer to the touch than I had expected, the surface cool against my palm.

“You really don’t care? Even though I’m a monster?”

“I’d rather be in the company of a dragon like you than the kind of monster that Adonis is.” I shrugged. “I guess that says a lot about me.”

“Thank you, Bel.” His voice was filled with relief, and I couldn’t help but smile.  

I settled in, asking, “Have you always been a dragon? Or did you start out human?”

"Always." Liam crouched down, keeping his head low towards the ground so I didn’t have to bend my neck to see him. “This is what I am. I’ve been like this since I was old enough to remember anything.”

“Were you always here, in this realm?”

Liam let out an angry growl. “No. I came from a different realm. One where dragons and humans existed together. I was young… very young, when I was taken away. Dragons tend to be solitary creatures, but typically they protect their young until they reach adulthood.” He sighed. “My parents, however, died right after my birth, killed in a large battle with humans. After that, I was being raised by my grandfather. He was amazing! He taught me what it meant to be a dragon.”

“Your grandfather raised you?” Is he…” I trailed off, unable to finish the question.

“Dead.” Liam’s voice was flat. "The System came to collect me. My grandfather tried to stop it… he was destroyed, along with my entire realm.” Two golden tears dropped from the dragon’s eyes. “I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t save anyone.”

“The System?”

“I don’t know what it is. It appeared as bright blue words written across the sky when I saw it. It’s what makes the portals… what creates the missions we see in the lower realms. It controls seemingly everything but at the same time seems to be interested in nothing. I don’t know if it’s a god or the devil or something else entirely… but I watched its power as it destroyed my realm.”

Bright blue words? Shuddering, I thought of the counter that only I could see. Is that the system too? I reached out, trying to hug the enormous dragon head. “I’m sorry Liam.”

“It told me I was born to be the ultimate villain, and that all others would derive their fate from me.” He sighed. “It said that the classic story was that of a hero, a princess, and the monster that kidnaps the princess. My fate was to separate them, and then be destroyed to allow for a happy ending.” He looked down at me. “Then I woke up here, alone except the occasional creature that tries to survive… they never do, not for long. This world slowly destroys them. Of course, most nights, portals would open up and drag me in.”

“Liam…”

“You saw my mission last time. They’re all like that. Lose everything, get severely injured… die. Every single one of them. The story of the lower realms can’t be complete unless there is a satisfyingly bad end to the villain.”

“Did you always follow the mission?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Not at first. Especially when I was still very young, I struggled against it, tried to avoid it. I would run and hide and stay away. But then the lower realm would be destroyed, I would wake up here and the next world would open up shortly. Finally, I started to complete the mission as quickly as possible, so I could just go back home, and no one else would get hurt.”

I wished I couldn’t imagine it, but I could. I had been to countless lower realms with Adonis. How many of them had Liam been there, dying, getting hurt, just so that he could stop suffering and come back here? How many times has he chosen to die painfully, rather than let a lower realm be destroyed? I remembered him drinking the poison when we first met, his nonchalant expression at his upcoming demise.

“Bel, don’t cry.”

“I’m not…” My voice paused, as I reached up and felt tears running down my face. “I…”

“It’s okay, I’m used to it.”

“It’s NOT okay!”

“It’s my fate.”

“SCREW FATE!”

*** Soul transfer 73% complete. ***

I ignored the words, feeling slightly sick sight of the glowing blue letters. If this is the system, this… thing… kidnapped Liam and forced him into this never-ending hell. I can’t trust anything it says.

Liam laughed, his eyes happy. “Yeah, screw fate.”

I touched his face again. “I will protect you. I won’t let fate, or the System, or even Adonis win. We’ll find a way for me to stay here, and then find a way to avoid our fates AND save the lower realms.”

“…”

“What you don’t believe me?”

He blinked. “You still want to stay here?”

“Yeah… aren’t we getting married? Typically married people stay in the same realm of existence.”

“YOU STILL WANT TO MARRY ME?”

“Of course! Didn't I already ask you in the last lower realm? Out of the two people I’ve met in the higher realms, you are definitely the best husband material.”

“I’m a dragon.”

“And the other choice is Adonis.”

“… Fair.” He chuckled. “I believe you, but promise me:  if we do anything to go against fate… let’s do it together.”

“Deal. Now let’s head back.”

“First, you’ll need blood.” He raised a claw, and bit it, dripping golden drops into a small bowl. He then was covered in a black smoke, and a much smaller, much more human Liam emerged and picked up the bowl, walking towards me with a smile. “Here you go.”

“….”

“Bel?”

“…”

“Umm….”

I finally forced out. “LIAM, YOU ARE NAKED!”

“Shoot!” He shoved the bowl into my hands and grabbed pants that had been neatly folded nearby, his face bright red. “Sorry, I forgot.” He paused and looked down at himself. “Everything I have should be normal for a human, right?”

“Liam… It’s fine… yes, you’re normal.” I coughed as he grinned with relief. “There’s nothing wrong, I just… was surprised.” I turned away and drank my bowl of blood, waiting until the sounds of changing had stopped to turn back towards him. He took the bowl and wiped it clean, and then held out his hand for mine.

As we held hands, he laughed again. “Sorry, I forgot you get shocked when I get naked suddenly.”

“This is the first time this has happened, though?”

He paused at my words, his eyes confused. “No… it’s happened before. You were an elf…” He shook his head, as if to clear it. “I can’t remember clearly.”

“Maybe you were flashing some other person?” I raised an eyebrow.

“No, I’m certain it was you.” Was his firm answer.

“Okay, sure… so, Liam?”

“Yes?”

“I have a very important question.”

“What’s that?”

“Was it YOUR poop that I dropped on top of Adonis?”

“…”

“…”

“Liam?”

“OH LOOK AT THE TIME! Let’s go home!” And with that, Liam dragged me out of the clearing and back to our cave, with me laughing the entire way.

_____________________

When we arrived, we came across the dead dove once more. Liam stopped in his tracks, staring down at it silently.

“Actually, this was part of why I was looking for you in the first place. It just flew down out of nowhere, and killed itself here.” I stared at the words written in coagulated blood. “Who would do this?”

“The System.” He spit the words out like a curse.

“Why doves… I thought it spoke in blue glowing letters?”

Liam was still staring down at the dove, and for a moment, I could see the dragon he was behind his human appearing eyes. “Doves have meaning.”

“Meaning?”

“Often a messenger of the divine, or for all-powerful beings… they are also seen as a symbol of peace. So to have one come from the heavens and kill itself, for the message to be written in blood….

“It’s a declaration of war.” I shuddered. “It wants to force us to accept our fate. Me to go back to the Higher Realm and play heroine with Adonis… you…”

“To suffer and die in an endless sacrifice for the happy ending.”

I squeezed his hand. “Neither is going to happen.”

He didn’t look away from the bloody message. “I hope you’re right.”

____________________

Days passed.

Adonis, unfortunately, had not lied. Over time, Liam’s blood became less and less effective. I stayed in bed for most of the day, only able to do brief outings into the forest before having to rest once more. Liam grew increasingly frantic, increasing the dose and would have tried to drain himself dry if I hadn’t stopped him.

But I wasn’t the only one affected.

The edges of the realm were starting to fade into darkness. It took a while for us to realize, but when we came up to the nothingness, the emptiness where forest had once been, I was forced to confront the truth: I was dying. The realm was dying. I couldn’t stay.

But Liam couldn’t leave, except for the lower realms.  

The portals became much less frequent, but I went with him each time. We tried to find ways to fix the worlds that completed both our missions, I tried my best to protect Liam from getting hurt.

We did not see Adonis again. He seemed to be biding his time.

Or he was so mad at Operation: Poop Trap that he is spending some time away from us. Either way, not too sad about it.

Finally, one day came. I couldn’t get out of bed at all. Liam stayed by my side, feeding me meat and mixed vegetables he had cooked. His cooking skills were fantastic now, but my failing body could barely appreciate it. I tried my best to eat, anyways, hoping not to worry him.

“Tell me what to do, Bel.” He whispered, feeding me another bite with a roughly carved spoon. “I don’t want to send you back there… but I can’t watch you die.”

“What if I would rather die than go back?” I asked. “Would you knock me out and send me anyways?”

Liam hung his head. “No. I won’t force you. I know better than most what its like to live with no choices. I can't send you into the same existence. If you choose to die...” His eyes filled with tears. “I’ll choose to go with you.”

“No…”

“That’s MY choice, Bel.”

I sighed. “Well, let’s try to avoid that ending then.” I started coughing, unable to take another bite. Liam out away the food with a solemn expression.

“Do you have a plan?”

“I’ve fixed countless broken stories. I always have a plan.” I tried to grin, but was too tired to maintain it for long. “I just need to make it to the next lower realm.”

I thought of the glowing blue counter I could see, and the dark power that even now hovered around my fingertips.

Hopefully this works. Everything depends on finding the right type of lower realm. I don’t have much time left, so I really hope the next one will have what I need. For both of our sakes.

After the discussion we fell silent, but stayed side by side, enjoying being together. A deeply uncertain future faced us, but at least one thing was true:

We were facing it together.

_____________________

That night, a new portal opened up. Liam, carrying me, stepped up to the red-rimmed glowing opening.

"Are you sure you want to come?" He asked in a worried tone.

"I'm sure. Once we're inside, I'll try to find you as soon as I can."

"Focus on being safe, first."

I smiled, resting a pale hand against his face. "I'll find a way for us to escape fate, Liam. I promise. The key to it is in this realm." It has to be.

His arms tightened around me. "As long as we're together."

"Together." I agreed.

He stepped into the portal quickly. As always, we were separated immediately after crossing the portal and fell into darkness.

I woke up, confused, looking all around me.

I was in water. Fish swam all around me, sunlight filtering through the waves and bouncing around them. Coral littered the ground, seaweed waving nearby, an intricate underwater garden. It was beautiful. A paradise.

And that’s when I realized I was breathing underwater.

Hmm… that’s not normal. I looked down at my arms. They seemed human enough, my hair coiling around my body. At least I’m not a fish or a sea monster. I thought, looking at the rest of me.

Then I saw my tail.

Ah crap.

I was a mermaid.

[toothlespoggers]

Me: FINALLY ZANE IS BEING CELEBRATED AND RECOGNISED AS THE BEST NINJA AND GIVEN ALL THE LOVE AND PRAISE HE DESERVES!!

Ninjago writers: No you forgot we hate Zane, Zane sucks, Zane is so insignificant everyone only remembers him for being “the robot” no one knows anything about Zane as a person, he’s not viewed as a person. He’s nothing but the Titanium Ninja, the robot. The ice machine.

He’s so worthless that even standing beside DRAWINGS of his own face— people still don’t recognise him.

Watch as we switch gears from physically abusing Zane, to emotionally abusing him and completely destroying any sense of self worth he still had.

Me: yay this is, so great.. wonderful.. sooooo happy…

How can one show give me so much serotonin but also make me so angry at the same time. For the love of god why can’t you treat Zane like a normal person? Why can’t you let him be happy? Why can you NEVER let him be happy? Do you hate him? Do you have no soul? DO YOU? DO YOU? You heartless WENCHES on the writing staff, you horrible people. You look into the poor blue eyes of this innocent little cinnamon roll and all you want to do is break his spirits.

WHYYYYY

LET.

ZANE

BE

HAPPY

LET PEOPLE GENUINELY APPRECIATE HIS SACRIFICES, LET PEOPLE ACTUALLY RESPECT HIM, IF I SAW THE NINJA IN REAL LIFE I WOULD, FIRSTLY. KICK KAI IN THE BALLS (because he is a terrible role model and a terrible person and serves little to no purpose in the ninja team and always causes problems and has had barely any character growth) THEN, I WOULD PUNCH LLOYD IN THE FACE FOR NOT LISTENING TO ZANE OR TREATING ANYTHING HE HAS TO SAY WITH RESPECT. DESPITE THIS MAN LITERALLY DYING FOR HIM MULTIPLE TIMES. LIKE WHOEVER GENUINELY LIKES KAI AND LLOYD AS CHARACTERS, BBG THEY ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE. IF YOU CANT TREAT THE FRIEND THATS LITERALLY DIED FOR YOU WITH RESPECT. YOU AINT DESERVING OF ANYTHING.

ZANE. ALWAYS. GETS SPOKEN OVER. THE ONLY TIME HES RESPECTED IS WHEN HES AROUND COLE, NYA AND PIXEL. BUT NOW WITHOUT THOSE PEOPLE, HES WALKED ALL OVER BY KAI AND LLOYD. ITS SO SO SAD TO WATCH.

DID YOU SEE HOW RELIEVED HE WAS TO BE LEFT AT HOME?? THIS IS THE FIRST BREAK HES HAD SINCE THE START OF SEASON 11 (besides being unconscious during the merge)

“finally! Peace and quiet where those idiots won’t force me to get beaten up again.” - Zane probably

ZANE. NEEDS. HUGS. ATTENTION, PRAISE, LOVE AND NEEDS PEOPLE TO STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A ROBOT. HES NOT JUST A ROBOT, STOP MAKING ROBOT SOUNDS TO TALK.IKE HIM YOU WRE INSULTING HIM. THIS MAN HAS MORE EMPATHY IN HIS ENTIRE ROBOT BODY. THEN YOU WILL EVER HAVE.

YALL DONT DESERVE ZANE.

AINT NO ONE IN UNIVERSE BESIDES PIXAL AND COLE DEFENDING ZANE, SO IMA DEFEND HIM

[here4tripitaka]

JTTW chapter 55: Tripitaka and the sexy scorpion spirit

The title really says it all:

So let’s recap. Tripitaka has been abducted by a demon who wants to have sex with him. He’s on his own this time - unlike last week, when all his mates were around to help him deal with the queen, who also wanted to have sex with him.

So Tripitaka is in the demon's cave, and the disciples are hanging around outside.

Sandy seems a bit over the whole rescue dynamic. He figures that Tripitaka can take care of himself, and that sex kidnapping is not that much of an emergency:

On the other hand, Wukong isn’t confident Tripitaka will pull through, and Bajie thinks it’s hopeless. The whole mission hinges on whether Tripitaka cracks and sleeps with her. Cos if he does, they're packing up and going home:

Well, Sandy was right. Tripitaka ACES it. The scorpion spirit is coming on strong, but Tripitaka just isn’t interested:

Note his forthright, stubborn attitude and conspicuous lack of crying. Contrast last week where he was turning red, looking away, physically shaking and crying:

WHAT IS THIS CHANGE OF PERSONALITY?

Either it's character growth (which has somehow occurred in the time it took for the scorpion spirit to teleport Tripitaka to her lair) or my theory (possibly based on a bit of wishful thinking) is that it’s influenced by whether Wukong is around or not.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love Tripitaka with Wukong. I love their potentially codependent relationship and the male-damsel-in-distress dynamic. Tripitaka is the most hopeless one of the group AND their undisputed leader. It’s amazing. I’ve never seen a male character lead a male group by crying and constantly requiring rescuing. I’m here for it.

But. Interestingly. When Wukong isn’t around, I feel like Tripitaka goes, “stuff it, I might as well save it,” and he calms down and just deals with stuff matter-of-factly.

I will admit he still cries ONCE:

Okay, twice:

Okay. So maybe I'm wrong. But on the whole, there is a lot less “clutching my handkerchief crying” sort of energy.

Anyway. When Tripitaka knocks back the scorpion spirit, the disciples decide he’s worth rescuing:

So basically, they deliberately abandoned him and left him alone with a demon overnight to shit test him.

They try to bust him out, but they don’t fare too well against the scorpion spirit’s sting. What are they to do? Don’t even worry: Guan Yin has got their back.

I love Guan Yin. You know where you stand with Guan Yin. There’s no praying and sitting around anxiously, wondering if she’ll come through. She’s already on it. Having trouble with a scorpion spirit you can’t conquer? Don’t worry:

And that guy is Orion.

Who turns out to be… a giant… rooster?

My reaction was, “Huh?!”

First I kind of assumed Wu Cheng’en was just having fun making up magic powers for random animals. But no! 

From my very scientific googling, it seems like maybe chicken > scorpion is actually a thing. TIL.

As a tangent, roosters got me thinking about alarm clocks, and how people used to wake up before alarm clocks were a thing. That took me down a rabbit hole, and now I’m discovering that candle clocks were a thing in ancient (ancient-ish?) China. Because apparently roosters are unreliable rogues and may crow at sunrise, but may also crow at 3am just cos they feel like it.

Behold:

So that’s that. But let’s circle back to something. I couldn’t help but notice that, in this chapter, Tripitaka calls the scorpion spirit a “powdered cadaver”:

Why so harsh? It isn’t cos of her looks. The narrator is pretty clear that she’s attractive. And it seemed uncannily like last week, where Bajie called the Queen of Women State a “powdered skeleton”:

It seemed a bit rich coming from him, when he clearly found her attractive:

I was starting to wonder if it was some kind of ancient Chinese insult for beautiful women when I found this journal article. It seems like, basically, the skeleton reference came from (separate but overlapping) Taoist and Buddhist practices of remembering that hotness is merely a superficial, meaningless property of the transient material world. Or something like that.

So, good on you Bajie and Tripitaka for sticking to your Buddhism. But… maybe just don’t say it OUT LOUD to people’s faces next time. Sure, stick to your asexuality, but no need to get personal about it!

I wonder if the queen and the scorpion spirit got the reference or if they were just like, “What the heck? I’m not that skeletal or powdery! YOU’RE skeletal and powdery!” We’ll never know.

And now, in no particular order, I wanna give a shoutout to some of my favourite miscellaneous moments from the chapter.

I love how the characters put so much emphasis on good manners, even when rushing around magically bashing people up. Wukung rocks up at Star God Orion’s place unannounced and asks him to drop everything and help him with something that is really not Orion’s problem - yet Orion refrains from telling him to get stuffed. Instead, he just worries that Wukong will think he’s rude if he doesn’t invite him in for tea:

Also, the wild swings between dramatic whining and understated stoicism. Bajie gets stung painfully on the snout, but doesn’t want to make a big deal of it to Orion:

Indeed. I, too, like to communicate my severe injuries only in a roundabout way, in the course of apologising for not being able to uphold proper etiquette.

Loved this sweet poem about Wukong as a majestic bee:

And learned that you’re not a babe unless you have spring onion fingers:

Some things went over my head, though. What do you mean, puns about meat buns and water pudding? I assure you, Tripitaka is not the only one who didn’t get it:

Even after reading Yu’s footnote about it:

As for my least favourite moments, Bajie is still being a chauvinistic so-and-so, calling women sexist words with disturbing enthusiasm. And Orion loses points for agreeing with Bajie wholeheartedly, instead of, you know, talking to him about his choice of language. But enough of that. Tripitaka has transcended the temptations of powdery skeletons, and it’s on with the journey.

@journeythroughjourneytothewest

—

Credits: The images above are either AI, or random pictures from the web that I’ve captioned for this, or a Frankenstein of both. They are not original. The AI is a mix of VEED.IO and Stable Diffusion. As for the images, they should turn up with reverse googling, but ask if you’re curious and I’ll dig up sources. Disability means I can’t draw at the moment, but honestly this turned out to be pretty fun anyway. Thank you dear internet for this bounty of meme-able images.

[peapodbond]

A (Mostly) Accurate Timeline of Tommy Kinard

Referencing Lou’s interview with Tommy’s Backstory, his actual age, the dates in Chimney Begins and Bobby Begins Again (with rough estimates of Hen Begins because those cute fuckers didn’t give me a date title card), and the ways that the characters interact with him.

(Lou's) Date of Birth: November 10, 1984.

1984 - 2001: Tommy was an awkward, overweight kid when he was younger. He flourished in classes such as shop, where he could use his hands and create things and didn't necessarily need to talk to anyone. Then he hit a growth spurt, got taller, and joined the football team. Tommy quickly becomes an all star football guy who stands up for any kids who were like him when he was younger.

Tommy says in 7x04 that he flew helicopters for the army before he was a firefighter.

2001 - 2005: In 2001, Tommy would have been seventeen. September 11th was likely the impetus for joining the army, which he could have done as soon as it was his birthday. Basic training is ten weeks for the army, slightly longer if he was aiming for a specialized group. Army tours of duty are between six and twelve months. He could very easily have gone through basic, done between two and four tours in the Middle East, and still joined the fire academy so that he has just finished his probationary year when Chimney comes to the 118.

(updated April 26th: I've been reliably informed by multiple sources that a pilot would have to spend a minimum of five years with the army, and to that I can only say that the writers must be blamed for their timeline. ;) let us assume that there was a reason (good or bad) that Tommy only served four years and I will not speculate as to which in this post because that crosses over from a timeline to headcanons and I want everyone to be able to use this if they want. please see this post for slightly more detail on my reasoning)

2006: 22 years old.

Chimney spends between ten and twenty-four weeks at the fire academy, so Chimney comes into the station in 2006/2007, depending on the time of year (c’mon guys give me something it’s LA and you don’t really have weather out there) and the episode covers most of his probationary year. Most likely it is two years from start to finish, as Chimney does spend part of the episode doing things other than starting at the fire academy.

Tommy is probably the probie who came in just before Chimney, and would have just finished his probationary year. There is a scene in the early part of the episode where Gerrard asks when Tommy’s girlfriend is coming by to cook dinner, but there’s also an offhand comment that she’s never been by the house before so who really knows if there was a girlfriend at all.

Sal DeLuca seems to be Tommy’s senior partner, the same way that Eli is Chimney’s senior partner, so they were probably paired up to show him the ropes when he showed up at the firehouse. Tommy definitely takes his cues from Sal, who takes his cues from Gerrard. Tommy is a bit of a bully because of who he is modeling himself after and the culture that he feels he has to assimilate into but he also does look uncomfortable at a lot of the jokes directed towards Chimney, and you catch him throwing a look to check on Chimney at the funeral in the flashback. After Chimney saves his life Tommy does reach out – awkwardly, but he still reaches out, and even asks Eli about him at the end of the episode.

2010: 26 years old. 

Hen has just arrived at the 118. These dates are based on the Twilight movie joke about being Team Jacob and the fact that Taylor Lautner was 18 when Eclipse came out (2010) and most of us agreed during the first two movies that we would not make gross jokes about minors, right guys? Right Sal? Tommy doesn’t react violently to the gay joke which could be proof that he’s comfortable with who he is even if he hasn’t told anyone. If he’d been truly insulted or grossed out by the joke it’s more likely he would have protested rather than blowing a kiss at Sal. (update May 6th: In 6x01, canonically 2022, Hen tells Bobby that she has been a firefighter for twelve years, so your girl nailed this timing and she's very proud of herself.)

Tommy is splitting his time between Sal and Chimney — we see them sitting together at the dinner table in a similar formation to the way that Hen, Buck and Chim sit together in the current 118 — but still lets himself take cues from the way that Gerrard treats Hen at the beginning of the episode. He is less of a bully than he was in Chimney Begins but still going along with the crowd because he doesn’t want to rock the boat. Saying that the east coast vibes means she was being called a bitch isn’t great, but that entire scene does play into generally accepted stereotypes about the east and west coast in the states and it is perhaps a bad attempt at explaining that to Hen, rather than bullying – but it comes off badly so it doesn’t really matter what the intent was. Chimney looks very disappointed in him for this. (Tommy talks in 7x05 about not being out but knowing that he wasn’t straight when he was in the 118, and we can only assume that showing up to the 118 and meeting Sal and Gerrard in 2005 made it very clear right away that he should toe the line of the rest of the house or find a new job.) The look on his face when Hen does her speech on the fire truck is definitely a realization of who he’s become and it doesn’t appear that he likes who he is.

He is one of the firefighters who is impressed by Hen’s idea about the firehose in the mudslide and he and Sal make a point to come to Hen before she gets called upstairs to see Captain Cook and tell her that she was right about the call and that she is a good firefighter. In the captain’s office Hen is told that a few firefighters made reports – given that in this episode we are mostly focused on Chimney, Tommy, and Sal as her teammates, and they’re the only three that talk to her before this revelation, I believe the storytelling wants us to assume that those three were definitely some of the firefighters who made a report against Gerrard, though we can also safely assume that the entire house reported him.

2014: Bobby is in Minnesota.

Late 2014/early 2015: Bobby moves to LA. Tommy is 30/31.

Based on the montages, this episode covers more time than the other two episodes (both between a year and a half to two years long) and ends with Tommy leaving and Buck coming in. Buck is just finishing his probationary year in 2018, so it follows that Bobby Begins Again covers the three years between 2014 and 2017, with most of Buck’s probationary year happening off screen before the pilot.

We are told during the betting scene that pre-Bobby’s arrival there have been two years of captains switching in and out. Gerrard was kicked out pretty early in Hen’s career at the 118 and Captain Cook came in (but was close to retirement) so it tracks that he was their captain between 2010 and 2012 and then left. 

You’ll notice that during the betting scene and a lot of the fire house montages, Hen is no longer the only woman in the house or on their shift — the higher ups were serious about changing the culture in the LAFD and they did in fact put their money where their mouths were.

As of Bobby’s arrival to LA, Tommy is the third part of the Chimney and Hen trio – they get drinks together, they shit talk work (and Sal), they lend each other money, they talk about how scars get you the girls. (Tommy is obviously still not out at work, but he could be dating someone, it's hard to know.) This is the 118 mirror of Hen’s support group with Athena, and they would not be spending time with each other outside of work if they didn’t like each other. At this point Tommy and Chimney have been working together for eight years! Between Chimney and Hen they have worn off most of the asshole edges that Tommy had in the first two flashback episodes. Chimney, Hen and Tommy sit together at family dinner and Hen arranges a cake and a party for Tommy — something that she wouldn’t have done if she didn’t like him at that point — when he gets his transfer to the 217 and starts flying again. (This is also the first instance of Hen getting a cake to celebrate things happening at the 118.)

Tommy has been at the 118 for twelve years. Chimney and Tommy have worked together for eleven years. Hen and Tommy have worked together for seven years. Bobby and Tommy have worked together for three years.

2019: 35 years old

Tommy has been at the 217 for two years and redirects a flight of their water plane to the subdivision when Chimney calls him. Chim says “Hey it’s Howie,” and still has Tommy’s number saved in his phone. We can assume that they are at least in sporadic contact and have been since Tommy left. We’ll call the odds 50/50 on the chance that Tommy has told Chimney (and perhaps Hen) that he is not straight at this point. Everyone says the Chimney can’t keep a secret but both he and Hen know that there is a difference between a secret and outing someone. (update May 6th: based on the lack of total surprise from both of them that it was Tommy that Buck decided to kiss so hard he got soot beard, I am even more confident now that at some point between leaving the 118 and season seven Tommy did in fact tell both of his friends that he wasn't straight. How and when he did is something I will let y'all decide in fanfic! Still trying to keep this post to things that can be canonically backed up.

Spring 2024: 39 years old

Steals a helicopter for Hen when Chimney calls, flies them to a capsized cruise ship in the middle of a hurricane, makes friends with Eddie and kisses Buck. Gets invited to Chimney and Maddie’s wedding as Buck’s date. (There is a higher than zero chance that he has already been invited by Chimney since they’re friends and he’s just shocked Buck considers that a good third date.)

References:

https://www.goarmy.com/how-to-join/requirements.html

https://www.operationmilitarykids.org/how-long-is-a-tour-of-duty-in-the-military/

https://www.operationmilitarykids.org/heres-how-long-basic-training-is-for-each-military-branch/

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-features/9-1-1-show-tommy-buck-kiss-relationship-lou-ferrigno-jr-1235872688/#

https://firefighternow.com/fire-academy-guide/

https://firefighternow.com/probationary-firefighter/

https://www.goarmy.com/careers-and-jobs/specialty-careers/aviation.html

https://benefits.com/veterans-benefits/types-military-discharge/

**updated April 26th with some extra references and a little explanation as to why the timeline is off (hint: it's the writer's fault ;) )

**updated May 6th with even more information (and now I kind of want to do Chim and Hen too)

[dadonbabysworld]

Skz Reactions: You take your engagement ring off

Author’s Note: This is one of the most difficult but interesting stories I’ve written. I hope you guys like it. I forgot to mention the inspiration behind this was from @yangfleurs and her writing. Anyways, please let me know your favorite members story :)

Genre: angst & a lil hurt/comfort

Word Count: 5,052

Warnings: Mentions of motion sickness, fear of flights/heights, forgetting to eat, cursing, not wanting to get out of bed, home sickness, jealousy, other kpop groups besides skz, degrading words, previous death, and trauma.

Chan

It was stressful to be with Chan because he doesn’t spend much time at home. You rarely see each other but he makes up for it in his own ways. Most days are spent overthinking though.

Chan spent so much time helping you gain confidence and the ability to communicate. He is proud of the steps you have made in this journey even if it is against his own judgement.

He wanted to get you out your comfort zone a bit by taking you on vacation. The issue is you didn’t feel comfortable with flights over four hours. You get too in your head on top of getting motion sickness every time you fly. Longer than four hours is torture.

“I just don’t see the big issue babe. It’s only a six hour flight. I will try to find you some medicine for your motion sickness.”

“I don’t feel comfortable doing that Channie…”

“Babe you’ll love this place though. You like tropical weather and we can go surfing and stuff. It will be fun. Just you and me.”

“Chan we can go anywhere to have fun. I just cannot do it.”

“I already paid for it babe..”

“WITHOUT TELLING ME?! Chan! Now I have to go on a trip because you paid for it. Way to guilt me into going..” You got up from your seat next to him.

“Hold on. You know I didn’t do this on purpose.” He grabs your hand, looking up into your eyes.

“What? Did you think I was just gonna have nothing to say?” You questioned. He didn’t say anything simply looking away.

“You mister communication is important and boundaries are normal thought nothing about the future?! Respect my fucking boundaries Chan.” You pull away from him and place the ring in his hand before leaving.

He sits there looking at it for a while before coming into the living room.

“I think we should just call off the wedding.” Chan suggests.

“And what makes you say that?” You ask. Of course he didn’t come out here to apologize.

“You gave the ring back… you must not want it.”

“I gave it back because you didn’t fucking respect my boundaries. It is a warning. The next time you will lose me. Chan I don’t force you to experience discomfort or face your fears, and you shouldn’t do either of those things to me. If I forced us to go skydiving, you’d be upset.”

“No I wouldn’t. I’m not a giant baby like you. I actually can do things that make me uncomfortable. It’s about growth which you obviously don’t want if you’re never willing to do anything.”

You nod slowly and lean back. You see how he really felt about the situation. He doesn’t wanna get married to you. He is easily willing to call it off and insult you as well.

Minho

It was not a smooth journey for you and Minho to finally be engaged. Several on and off situations, the contacting each other on different accounts, and all the other bullshit got you where you are today.

You were not expecting to be engaged at this age especially after being so temporary with him before. You don’t even have a relationship date anymore because y’all were not together so much.

Minho was a lover and close to you, but somehow he still manages to push you to a level of rage you shouldn’t be feeling. He was just irritated so much. Every little situation made him mad, and his anger can be a lot.

He is working on his anger, but today was just a lot for you both. Being that you both had different schedules, you split responsibilities in order of who had time to do it. You took care of the pets in most cases. Besides dinner, Minho fed them dinner instead of you.

You just had forgotten to give them breakfast. They were more vocal than normal when he arrived home. You were in the shower. Knowing he would be home around that time, you got yourself together after having a breakdown to try to make yourself presentable.

He feeds them before coming into your shared room. “Baby?” He yells into the bathroom. “Yes?”

“Did you feed the babies? They seemed really starved.”

Oh shit. After being glued to the bed all of today, you realized you truly neglected all your responsibilities for today. “No.. I forgot!” You yell back. He sighs and comes into the bathroom. “Babe! You can’t keep forgetting about them. It’s the second day in a row. I might as well feed them all at night!”

“Well do that then!”

He growled as he grabbed the make up remover from the cabinet. “What the fuck do I need you for then? Can’t even care for our cats let alone future children.”

You cut off the shower and pulled the curtain back. “That’s not the same and you know it. I will literally remember our child.” You step out the shower and grab a towel.

“How do I know that? You can’t remember my children now. They’re important to me. I’m starting to think you’re jealous of them.”

“Jealous? Of some cats? Let’s be so fucking for real Minho.” You tell him drying off. You grab your lotion from the sink.

“Yes jealous. You get jealous over anything. Also, let’s not act like you have the maternal gene. You obviously let them starve today. Like I’m pretty sure you wish I would be nicer to you like them but then you do shit like this.”

“Shit like this?”

“Yes! Be unreliable like how are we gonna build anything together when you gon forget the nail’s then act like it’s not a big issue. Be making me question if you’re wifey material.”

You just leave the bathroom after that comment. You sit your engagement ring on the dresser as you get dressed. Hopefully he gets the message that you’re irritated with him. You go into the kitchen to check on the cats and to apologize to them.

As the cats crowd around you to get pet, minho comes into the room with your ring in hand.

“So now we’re forgetting our rings?” He asks.

“I’m not motherly and not wifey material right? Are you really surprised?”

“You’re a fucking child! Stop being stupid and put the damn ring on. You really mad at the truth. You need to work on yourself.”

“You didn’t even ask why I didn’t feed them. I’m DEPRESSED Minho. You don’t even give a fuck.”

“How would I know that?!” He yells in your face.

“MAYBE IF YOU GAVE A FUCK!” You say as tears roll down your face. “I fucking hate you. You’re a selfish bitch.” You push him away as you grab your coat and leave the house slamming the door.

Changbin

Changbin constantly makes you wonder if you were good enough for him. It was your difference in personality and lifestyle that made you wonder if you guys were compatible.

You didn’t argue much though. Just lots of misunderstandings. Nothing gets too out of hand. That is why you are shocked at the lack of care he has right now.

“What do you mean we can’t live in another country? I literally have been living here for you for years Changbin. I wanna spend some time home if possible.”

“When we get married, I want to start a family. We can’t be uprooting our family like that. It’s not good for a baby or children to leave super young.”

“Then let’s wait for them to get older before coming back. We will be leaving before I get 30 years old.”

“That’s asking a lot. We are secure here.”

“And asking me to move half way across the fucking world wasn’t a lot Changbin?!”

“Don’t start cursing and yelling. Let’s try to have a conversation not an argument.”

“Now you’re gonna tell me what to do? Why would I wanna get fucking married to you? We don’t even want the same things. You’re not willing to even compromise.”

“Compromise?! You just want it to go your way! You decided to stay here. How is that my fault? Be for real y/n. You really think I’m not compromising. You aren’t even understanding what I’m trying to say because you are so caught up in what you want to say in response.”

“Since I’m so uncompromising and not understanding. Marry someone else.” You throw the ring at him and walk away. He catches it and glances at it before walking up to you. He grabs your arm and leads you out the door.

“Let me go Changbin.” You try fighting with him, but his grip is too strong. He forces you to get into the car before getting in himself and driving off.

“We are gonna talk this out or you can leave and never come back again.” He states as he watches the road. He had no doubt you would just talk. You don’t really want him to be out of your life. That is unrealistic. You love him.

“I want to see my family Changbin… I want to go home.” You are nearly crying at this point.

“I understand that. I want that for you. I just don’t think we should be having a baby and doing that. We might just have to hold back on having children and getting married.”

“I just need this for my spirit. I want to do all those things with you. I just do wanna spend at least a year home. My parents are getting older. I wanna make sure they are okay and know if they are sound enough for us to stay living so far away.”

He just nods taking in everything you said. “I love you, and I am willing to do that with you. You have to acknowledge that we could go broke. I probably won’t be able to get a job so fast especially not knowing much about the land or culture…”

“Changbinn I’m not asking you to be perfect. I know this is going to be rough, but we have each other. I will try to make this as smooth as possible for us.”

He sighs and nods. “Okay but if we’re going broke within the first few months we have to leave. Promise me.”

“I promise Binnie.”

Hyunjin

You knew Hyunjin’s emotions very well because he was very open about them. His facial expressions revealed everything anyways.

That’s how you knew he was serious about this. You never once took Hyunjin for the jealous type. He was very secure in your status with him. Maybe it was that the guy was another idol.

You had attended a private party with the boys and lots of other famous celebrities were also invited. You decided to wear a simple red dress and heels. Nothing flashy as you were always impressive even in the worst clothes.

Hyunjin stayed by your side as much as possible. However, he didn’t expect you to get in a conversation with Hongjoong as soon as he walked away.

It was a simple conversation. He came over to ask what group you were in, but you cleared up any confusion.

“Oh no. I’m not an idol. I’m here with Hyunjin. That’s my boyfriend.” You explain to him.

“Oh okay. I was just wondering because I never seen you around. I saw you with Chan earlier, so I was wondering if he was hiding his friends from me.” You laugh and shake your head.

“I am friends with Chan, but he is also like my brother. Anyways, I’m y/n nice to meet you.” You bow a little.

“I’m Hongjoong from ateez. Oh here comes your man. I got to get going.” He says walking past Hyunjin and bowing some.

“Hyunjin”

“Hongjoong” he says bowing back before walking towards you. He grabs your arm and leads you to the bathroom. He locks the door once you both are inside.

“What the hell Hyunjin?”

“What the hell to me? What the hell were you and Hongjoong talking about? And why did he leave when I was approaching?!” He questioned, getting close to your face.

“First off”, you push his face back “Get the fuck out my face. Second off, why are you being so jealous right now? We talked about being an idol. He thought I was an idol, but I’m obviously not.”

“So he was trying to talk you up when I left? Fucking-“ Your laughs cut him off. You back into the wall laughing.

“What is so fucking funny?!” He yells.

“You. Look at you all jealous over nothing. I thought you were more secure and confident than this.” You inform him.

“I thought you were more trustworthy and beautiful than this. You look so ugly right now.” He says with a face that read disgust.

"If I'm so disgusting Hyunjin, find someone else to marry then!" You spat at him throwing the ring in his face and walking out the bathroom. Some of the idols in the room seemed to stop and stare in that direction.

He was embarrassed and angry. Chan came over to him and tried to talk him down, but Hyunjin locked the door behind you as he paced inside the bathroom. Tears of anger flowed down his cheeks.

Han

You haven’t seen Han in a few days. He comes home when you are already sleep, and he leaves before you could even wake up. He has been sleeping in the guest room. He tries to be discreet, but the bed hasn’t been made the same for a few days.

He must be mad about the argument and what happened. You never expected the silent treatment from him though. Your texts and calls left on delivered. He hadn’t blocked you just ignoring you on purpose. You tried to have a friend call, but he wasn’t answering anyones calls apparently. That was what you thought until you checked in with Jeongin.

You had went to get coffee together. Jeongin loved spending time with you because you were his friend. He knew something was wrong as soon as you were in his presence. He was just waiting for you to mention anything.

“Have you seen Jisung?” You ask him sipping on your coffee.

“Yes. He was in the studio yesterday with Chan. We recorded some guide’s yesterday nothing heavy.”

“Did he say anything to you about us..? Or anything alarming?”

“He didn’t say anything besides the song. The quietest I’ve seen him in months. He normally cracks at least one joke.”

You sigh. The tears were fighting to fall. Maybe you pushed him too far by not wearing the ring anymore. It was serious at the time tough. It was the only way you thought of getting your point across.

“What happened between you two?” Jeongin asks lowly.

You slowly start to explain what happened. It was truly a regular day. You had spent time together doing errands. After seeing families together, Jisung had a lot of baby fever. This wouldn’t be an issue normally; he just would get over it quickly. This time it felt a little overwhelming.

“Babeee are you sure we can’t just have one?” He questioned as he played with your hair.

“Yess. Children are not something I want at the moment, and we agreed on it. You want to get married first anyways.”

“We’re engaged.. that is good enough. I want a mini me or you. I love babies.”

You mumble “I don’t…” He side eyes you. He kisses your neck. “Come on baby. Don’t be that way.”

You push his head away and stand up. “No Sung.” He smacks his lips before watching you. “Damn we can’t just.. yk either?”

“No and you aren’t even taking me seriously.”

“Because I don’t understand the hold up, we’re secure right now. I won’t wait forever.”

You look in his eyes for any sign he was kidding. You turn to leave, placing your ring on the dresser. “How’s this for forever?” You ask before leaving out the room.

Jeongin gasps. “Damn y’all are done forever?”

You sigh and put your face in your hands. “I didn’t mean it.. I was hoping it just stopped the conversation. Apparently, it stopped all conversations.”

“Y’all need to talk. Try to fix that. He is gonna burn himself out working so much.”

“I can try, but he literally doesn’t even come home if I’m awake. He isn’t answering my texts or calls. I don’t know Jeongin.”

“Go to the studio then. He is constantly napping in there, so he will probably be working or sleeping. Either way you have him trapped.”

You end up at the guys studio thanks to Jeongin. You watch him through the door as he works. Lots of papers are spread around the room. He has written so much lately. Han always writes lyrics down on paper. Not too keen on keeping a virtual document.

You knock on the door before coming in. He panics almost before seeing it was you. You sit next to him in a chair as he continues. There you sat for ten minutes. He doesn’t acknowledge you, look at you, or anything. You could see some of the lyrics he wrote. It was different songs. One about being angry; another about apologizing for the pressure on you.

“Hanji.. I miss you. I know work is important, but can we please talk?”

“About what? We have nothing to talk about. When I find a place of my own, I will be out of your hair. For now I’m just working to make money for myself.”

“You don’t have to find a new place Jisung. I-” he cuts you off. “I need to find a new place because apparently we’re single forever.”

“I’m sorry I took the ring off. I didn’t mean it seriously.”

“Then just don’t say it. You don’t do shit like that on a whim. It really hurts… it has been so hard to be without you. I’ve seen you, and you don’t even seem sad without me.”

“Jisung-“

“Just leave please. I have work to do. Also, I still don’t have anything more to say. We argued, but you really hurt me. You threw the ring down like it was nothing.”

“I am trying-“

“LEAVE! I don’t want to hear it. You’re stressing me out and making me anxious.. just please leave.”

You nod and grab your things to leave. You look back at him from the door once more before leaving. He didn’t once look at you. Even by accident.

Felix

Felix and the boys didn’t go out often to clubs and things. Being celebrities and having busy schedules, they rarely had the time. When it does happen though, you don’t attend. Clubs aren’t your scene.

You prefer to spend time at home with your’s and Felix’s cat. He is very happy to have you home to play and nap together. Felix thinks it’s okay that you stay home. When he catches you two cuddling sometimes because he stayed out late, he finds it endearingly cute. Two babies.

Today though Felix came home rather drunk. He stumbled through the door putting his keys on the hook before sliding off his shoes. As he is going to hang his jacket, he sees you on the couch. He is startled and grabs his chest.

“Oh fuck y/n… say something next time. I almost died.”

You squint at him. Felix has great reflexes and senses so how drunk is he? “Are you drunk?”

“Maybeee” he hums putting his jacket on the coat rack.

“Did you drive home?” Silence. If looks could kill, he would be dead from the glare you are sending him. Even with his back turned he could feel you.

“Felix!”

“I’m sorry. I needed a way home.” He quickly apologizes and approaches you. He grabs your hands.

“Felix.. don’t be drunk driving! Is the car okay?!”

“Yes I only hit like one curb on the way home…”

“Felix! You know drunk driving is bad. I can’t believe you. Ask one of the guys next time to take you home. You could have killed someone or worse died!”

“But I didn’t. I’m here and everyone is safe.”

“You are not taking this seriously… you know I don’t play about this.” You warned him time and time again about drunk driving. A drunk driver killed your best friend in high school. It happened right after school as you guys were going to get boba together.

“It’s not that serious though? Everyone is okay. Babe I’m fine. I will go get the car fixed tomorrow okay?”

You tear up and push his hands away. ��It’s not fine. How could you be so reckless after what I told you? Do you not care? I can’t even think about you rn. I don’t even want to.” You take the ring off and place it on the table before going in the bathroom and locking the door.

Felix stares at the ring before tearing up. How could you take off the ring he gave you? Did he fuck up that bad? Then it hit him. He cries softly to not attract attention from you. He felt like an asshole for almost making you relive your childhood trauma.

He comes and knocks on the door. “Babe I’m sorry for what I did. I shouldn’t have driven home drunk and made you worried. It is a big deal, and I’m sorry I possibly reminded you of the traumatic situation you experienced with your friend.”

You come out the bathroom after two minutes and hug him. You both had been crying. He rubs your back and kisses your head. Maybe he did care..

Seungmin

You had talked with Seungmin about your past before. Your relationship with your parents and siblings made you the way you are now. Sometimes you cut up on him. It wasn’t on purpose; it was your fight or flight kicking in.

He found it a little daunting at first because he didn’t expect it from you. He thought you were just sarcastic to be funny, but he soon came to realize you were conditioned to be that way.

You had a lot of issues you two were working with. One being deciding your love language since you were lacking a lot growing up. The two things that outweighed everything is words of affirmation and acts of service.

Seungmin didn’t understand you in that sense of wanting to do things for him. He was certainly more independent than most men you ever met let alone dated. It was nice sometimes, but you never get to show him any love.

“Min do you want breakfast?” You questioned as you were making your own food.

“No it’s fine. I will just have some yogurt and fruit.” He responded from the bathroom.

“I can prepare it for you if you’d like. I’m already in here, and I know you have a packed schedule today.” You offer wanting to be useful.

“No it’s fine. I got it. You relax. You have to work today just like I do.”

You just huff and continue making your breakfast. It felt wrong to not make him breakfast or do anything for him to help him get ready. The guilt was eating you alive even though he doesn’t see anything wrong in him caring for himself.

“Babe are you tired of me?” You ask him as he comes into the room. He shakes his head as he opens the fridge. “No not at all. Why?”

“Why can’t I ever help you in the morning? You don’t want me to iron your clothes, help style your hair, make you breakfast, clean up after you… you do everything on your own.”

“So that means I’m tired of you?” He questions as he looks at you. He had his yogurt and fruit in hand.

“Yes…? You just don’t always make me feel wanted. I don’t understand why you want me. I’m not doing any good for you.”

“I love you. I really do. I don’t need you to do those things for me. I just want you to be there for me mentally. I want a companion.”

“So I’m a pet?”

“Babe don’t start this. I love you and I’m not tired of you end of story. You don’t have to be living like you were with your mother. The weight of caring for the whole house is off your shoulders.”

“I just want to love you Seungmin…” your tears finally fall from your glossed over eyes. “I just want to feel wanted. I just can’t help but overthink this.. like how can you not want me to help you? Am I too incompetent in your opinion?”

“Why would I ask you to marry me if you are incompetent y/n?! You think of yourself so lowly and that is the problem. You shouldn’t need to care for me or have me talk your head up to feel worthy.” His words sting. How could he just invalidate your love languages.

“You know what? It’s fine. I don’t need this invalidation right now. Just eat your breakfast. I’m gonna go get ready for work.” You leave the kitchen with your food and close the door to your room.

After a while, you go in the kitchen and leave your plate in the kitchen before leaving the house for work. Seungmin sighs after hearing the door close. “No good bye huh?” He questions out loud. He goes into the room to grab his bag and phone charger. The shine of your engagement ring from the dresser is bright when the sun hits it. You left it there for him to notice.

And notice he did because you returned home to his ring next to yours. He didn’t send any texts or call once. You just nod and get in the shower. Once he returned, he did the same as you watched television in the living room.

You waited for him to get out the shower. You approached him as he got dressed. “So you didn’t wear your ring today?” You asked him. He nods and looks at you. “You started this. I’m only doing what you do.” You shake your head. “Sure.. I don’t invalidate your love language but you do it to me.”

He sighs, “you’re not gonna give this up are you? I only said the truth.”

“Okay whatever. I should just let it go because nothing ever matters to Seungmin.” You say grabbing the ring and going in the living room.

Jeongin

You stayed with Jeongin because you had fell on hard times, and he was your supportive boyfriend. Well, he was your supportive boyfriend.

It had been slightly hard on him supporting the both of you. Jeongin had expensive habits. He bought lots of clothes. As well as, he was a gift giver. His love language was gift giving for others. Also, he was barely home before so he saved lots of money on food. He ate out with the rest of skz, but you needed to eat at home.

You didn’t know he was struggling at all to make ends meet. You found out after overhearing him tell Chan. Chan was trying to be supportive and help him figure out ways to make things better. The guilt was heavy on your mind though. Jeongin didn’t seem happy anymore with you.

This must be the last straw. You feared the conversation with him. He asked you to wait up for him tonight. Normally he joins you in bed around 11 pm. You sat on the couch wrapped up in a blanket. Mind running kept you up at odd hours anyways. You haven’t gotten much sleep after finding out the news.

He walks in shortly after 10:30 pm. He sits next to you after leaving his shoes at the door. “Hey y/n.” You clear your throat before looking at him. “Hi Jeongin.”

“You’re probably wondering what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to keep you in the loop. I don’t think I can afford to.. have you keep staying here.”

You heart dropped a little, but you were expecting this. “What am I supposed to do Jeongin? We’re supposed to be getting married. Is it not weird for us to suddenly not live together anymore?”

“You might have to start working then. It’s been months. The job market cannot be that dead.” He claims, sitting back to look at you.

“I wish it wasn’t but it truly is. I would literally have to go back to school to do anything. All the jobs that are constantly hiring I just don’t have the skills for them.” You explain to him. You felt tears forming in your eyes and your throat starts to be close slightly.

“Well maybe you need to do that. I just know I can’t do it for right now. I love you for sure, but I need something more than you’re giving me. Love isn’t paying the bills. I need you to leave.”

“Today?” You ask him as the tears ran down your cheeks.

“Preferably. I don’t wanna feel guilty and go back on my word.”

You just nod and wipe your eyes. “I don’t think I can do this Jeongin. I can’t pretend like I haven’t noticed the looks you have been giving me. You don’t love me the same, and it hurts to know you’re probably using this as an excuse to cover up your true feelings.” You explain through sobs and heavy breaths. He looks down at his hands, in a way, he confirmed your true fear.

“It’s okay though. It was good while it lasted. I will miss you, but I won’t be a dummy for you.” You get up slowly and place the engagement ring in his hand. You go into the room you both shared and packed the minimal amount of things you have. You don’t look at him before leaving.

He sits there looking at the ring for a while before placing it on the table. He goes to shower. He felt somewhat guilty, but he was glad you didn’t make a bigger deal about it. He would miss you as well.

Taglist — @kflixnet @l-luvr @lino-jagiyaa 🐶 @moonmukamiamajiki 🤍 @kpflyn

If you like this post, consider reading my other works listed here. I, also, accept requests here. Thank you!

[bronx-bomber87]

The rewatch continues! Onto 1x02 ‘Crash Course’ we go. Once again will credit all gif creators at the end of this review. Thank you for all you create. Tumblr wouldn’t be around if not for you. Off we go.

This ep starts for Tim in the hospital. Makes me sad to see Tim at the hospital so disgruntled and alone. Truly not expecting anyone to come pick him up or care. Surly af with the nurse. But it’s not a glow up if we don’t start at the bottom. ‘Started from the bottom now we here’ is a prominent thing for a reason in character growth. Starting at the ground floor with him emotional scars and all.

He is so genuinely so surprised Angela and Talia come to get him. He wants the help but sure as hell isn’t going to ask for it. He’s clearly been so shut down since Isabel. He’s lost trust and faith of those around him. So them coming to get him shocks him. Being s1 Tim though he can’t let them see that. How much this actually means to him. That there are people out there that still care about him. My poor broken boy.

Annnnnd the need for his approval and praise from Tim begins. She’s so excited thinking he was so proud of her and what she did in pilot (she did save his life and protect them both under duress) only to be disappointed by Wrigleys ‘No..’ Her eyes light up only to be crushed by disappointment. You’ll get there Lucy it’s just gonna be a bit ha

Tim dropping by the diner he conveniently ‘lives by ‘ and getting his pickup. Aka a Lying liar who lies. Really just dropping by to check in on her and his current test. To see if she’s losing her mind being a slug or she misses the action already with Tim. Clearly it’s the latter. Regardless of where Tim is emotionally and how she’s his charge. This is a little bit of a work flirt for him. Man took time out of his recovery from a gunshot wound to come see and her give her shit LOL She of course is ready and eager to prove herself even when he’s not officially her T.O. He’s clearly enjoying himself too much though haha

On the surface this is just a test is to see if she wants to be a real cop or a slug. We all know with her future UC predilections she loves the adrenaline. I do think on a deeper level, part of this test is truly to see if she’s gonna stick it out with him. Or if she going to bail on him which is the current state of mind he’s in.

Expecting that abandonment. He’s in fight or flight mode most of s1 cause of Isabel. Legit Survival mode really. So he’s going to distrust everyone around him for little while especially someone with promise like Lucy.

Alas we get to the end of ep for them both. Best part of this gif set is the utter look of confusion on Lucy’s face. Fairly certain she didn’t think Tim Bradford was capable of laughing let alone smiling LOL

What I love most about this scene is one it shows how sharp Lucy is. Telling him she figured out he had her purposely assigned to Wrigley. Two, This is also Lucy’s first moment of challenging him. Standing up to him by calling him a pain in the ass. When he says it’s ‘his job’ It’s her first strike into those walls of his. By insulting him with her little jab. Developing that rapport. We get the first Lucy induced smile from him. He’s actually proud of how she handled herself the entire day with Wrigley. Not half ass-ing it and he’s beaming.

When she watches his retreating form she looks so confused and slightly annoyed at his happy demeanor. But she also doesn’t hate it either. She has no idea she’s started her slow burn with him. That massive wall of his has the smallest crack starting to form. He’s so pleased with himself he doesn’t realize it’s happening either. He’s just happy with himself and how interaction went down. They’re so cute I can not. Eric and Melissa’s chemistry on full display. We had it from the jump with them.

~~~~~

Side notes for this ep. Talia was pretty damn funny in this ep. With all the property/city damage Nolan does haha Them getting kicked into the old school cop car.

The captain ripping those cocky detectives a new one. I always enjoyed her scenes especially ones where she’s mentoring the newbs. She was always so calming to listen to. So sage in her advice.

The Nolan/Lucy scenes continue to make me cringe but they have their purpose even if I dislike them haha

That wraps up ep 2. This will definitely keep me pre-occupied till we can get s6. Try to do few eps a week depending on life/work haha please feel free to like/comment I enjoy it so❤️

Gif credit to

chenfordsbee

tim-lucy x2

Thesweetnessandthesarcasm pain ass my job

relentlessescapism

Chenford source

[ravenalla]

I so agree with your statement about Season 3… I didn’t even finished it, it was too much. And the shippers here didn’t help either lmao. My boy needs no woman and certainly not an ex death watch.

He was doing fine till now, they made him look like a damsel in distress so SHE can save him, she can be a goddamn good girl… Like her past is erased from everyone minds? They have amnesia? And he became a second character in his own show?? Yup, no, call me when everything became normal again

I know it’s not technically canon yet but it reminds me a lot of when a character’s entire purpose is just to support their partner in a ship. Also people can ship what they want of course but in what way has anything between them been explicitly romantic in canon? They’ve just been working together on missions and barely talking about anything besides the matter at hand. I saw more desire for a relationship between Boba and Din than this. If they decide to suddenly say Bo and Din had feelings for each other the whole time in the two episodes we have left I’ll be so mad. Omera was Din’s obvious love interest if they were going to give him one, but no lets put him with the white terrorist lady who insulted his and others entire existence.

Also people forget that Din isn’t stupid. The fandom likes to make himbo jokes sure but Din is incredibly smart, he spent however many years working as a top rated bounty hunter, one of the most dangerous jobs in the galaxy, Din got beaten up all the time but he also had so many wins and badass moments, they balanced each other out so he wasn’t invincible but he wasn’t incompetent either. Most of Din this season is just him needing to be saved or aided by Bo-Katan so far, because apparently SHE is the Mandalorian everybody suddenly needs to use their brains or they’ll combust into flames or something I guess 🙄 and spoiler warning for the next episode under the cut.

So leaks say that Din gets captured by Moff Gideon at the end of the episode and Bo has to rally Mandalorians to go save him. Man how much more impactful would that be if Din was Manda’lor, Bo had the chance now to become it with him gone, but she actively chooses instead to help him after being bitter and aggressive towards him all season, thereby giving her growth that doesn’t actually mean turning her character back 180 out of nowhere. I like the idea of Din getting captured on its own and coming face to face with Gideon again but after he’s done literally nothing all season and has had no personality other than “help Bo”? That’s insulting af, Din just looks more and more helpless. Like again what if he was Manda’lor and trying to prove his worth both to Mandalorians and himself? We could have gotten a really cool scene where he questions his abilities as a father and as a leader, wondering if other types of Mandalorians would even come for him and ending the season with an episode about Din finally coming into his own with the darksaber while other Mandalorians rally behind him to defeat Moff Gideon once and for all.

But no. It’s probably gonna be a chance to display how Bo absolutely deserves another chance at ruling after proving nothing about how she is different from last time while Din is just there as bait and they’ll kiss or some shit afterwards. God this season has turned out so bad, I really am hoping they don’t go that route and make it somehow worse. I don’t blame people for hopping out now.

[mya-valentine]

Fighting for More: Itadori’s Awakening Under Juri’s Gaze

Synopsis: After weeks of intense training, Juri confronts Itadori about his motivations, realizing he’s been fighting to gain her approval rather than for himself. As Juri pushes him to find his own reasons for growing stronger, Itadori wrestles with his desire to impress her and his need for personal growth, sparking a deeper reflection on his goals and the true source of his determination.

After weeks of relentless training, Juri finally pinpointed what had been bothering her about Itadori's progress. She had thrown him into every kind of situation possible—physical, mental, cursed, and psychological. Yet, despite his resilience and determination, there was something off. He performed well, but only when she was watching or taunting him. She needed him to grow stronger for himself, not to please her. 

One morning, after a grueling session, Juri stood silently, observing Itadori as he caught his breath. He was soaked in sweat, his muscles trembling from exertion, but his eyes still held that fierce determination.

"Alright," Juri suddenly said, breaking the silence. "Enough. We need to talk."

Itadori blinked, confused. "Talk? About what?"

Juri crossed her arms, her sharp eyes narrowing on him. "I've been watching you, and it finally clicked. You don’t fight for yourself, do you?"

Itadori frowned, still unsure where she was going with this. "I mean… I fight for the people I want to protect, to stop Sukuna, and—"

"No," Juri cut him off, her tone harsh. "I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about me."

Itadori’s eyes widened in surprise. "You?"

"Yeah, me," Juri repeated, stepping closer until she was standing right in front of him, her gaze unwavering. "You fight like your life depends on my approval. Every time I insult you, mock you, or threaten to quit training you, that’s when you finally start putting in real effort."

Itadori opened his mouth to protest but found himself at a loss for words. She wasn’t wrong. He didn’t know how to explain it, but he couldn’t deny that a part of him was always trying to prove something to Juri. He didn’t want her to think he was weak, or worse, a failure. The thought of disappointing her gnawed at him, even though she rarely showed any real affection.

"You don’t want me to think you're weak," Juri continued, her voice softer now, almost thoughtful. "And that’s the problem."

Itadori swallowed hard, his heart pounding. "I… I just don’t want to let you down."

Juri stared at him, her expression unreadable. After a long pause, she let out a sigh, one that sounded heavier than her usual dismissive tone. "That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re so focused on what I think of you that you’re forgetting why you’re doing this in the first place. You shouldn’t be fighting to impress me or anyone else."

She stepped back, giving him space, her eyes still fixed on him. "If you keep trying to get stronger just so I don’t think less of you, you’re never going to reach your full potential. You need to want this for yourself, Itadori. Not for me. Not for Gojo. Not for anyone else."

Itadori looked down at the ground, her words sinking in. He knew she was right, but hearing it from her—he didn’t realize how much weight her opinion had carried for him until now.

"You need to be better because you want to be," Juri said, her voice firm. "For your own goals, your own reasons. You have to fight for you, not me."

He glanced up at her, his expression a mixture of confusion and determination. "I thought… I thought that as long as I got stronger, it didn’t matter why."

Juri shook her head. "It matters more than you think. Your reason for fighting is what will push you when everything else falls apart. If you’re doing this for anyone else but yourself, you’re going to break eventually."

Itadori nodded slowly, her words settling heavily in his mind. "I get it. I think… I understand what you're saying."

"Good," Juri replied, her smirk returning, though it was more subdued than usual. "Because if you’re fighting for me, you’re fighting for the wrong reasons. I don’t give a shit whether you’re strong or weak. You need to fight for your own survival. Your own goals."

Itadori straightened up, wiping the sweat from his brow. "I will. I’ll get stronger for myself. I’ll find my own reason."

Juri watched him for a moment, then nodded. "Good. Now, get the hell out of here and figure it out. Tomorrow, we go even harder."

Itadori gave her a determined grin, feeling lighter than he had in weeks. "I won’t let myself down."

"See that you don’t," Juri said with a smirk. "Because if you do, I really will quit training you. And this time, I won’t be lying."

Later that evening, Itadori found himself lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His muscles ached, and his mind was still buzzing with everything Juri had said. 

"Why do I care so much?" he muttered to himself. It wasn’t the first time he’d thought about it, but now that Juri had called him out, he couldn’t ignore it any longer.

He had always cared about what others thought to some extent—Gojo, Megumi, Nobara—but with Juri, it was different. From the first time they met, there had been something about her that made him want to prove himself, to show that he wasn’t weak. Her brutal honesty, her strength, the way she carried herself like she didn’t need anyone’s approval… It was like she represented everything he aspired to be. She was fearless, powerful, and completely unapologetic.

Maybe it was because she never sugarcoated anything. She didn’t give him the same encouragement others did. When he failed, she let him know, and when he succeeded, she barely acknowledged it. But that’s what made her approval feel more meaningful. It was hard-earned, something he had to fight for.

But now, thinking back on her words, he realized it wasn’t just about strength. He wanted her to see him as capable, as someone who could stand by her side. Why was her opinion so important? 

It wasn’t just admiration. It wasn’t just respect.

He frowned, rolling onto his side. Was it because she never seemed impressed by anyone? Was it because, despite her rough demeanor, there was something deeper there, something she didn’t show to anyone? The brief moments of vulnerability, like the time she mentioned her past—had that been real, or just another lie? He wasn’t sure anymore.

But what he was sure of was that Juri's opinion mattered more to him than anyone else’s. He didn’t just want to be strong in her eyes; he wanted to be someone she could rely on, someone she wouldn’t dismiss.

His thoughts drifted to the day he’d pinned her down during training. For a moment, he had just stared at her, his body frozen as her sharp eyes looked up at him. He couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t moved. Maybe it was because, in that moment, he had felt like he was finally getting somewhere with her. Or maybe… it was something more.

Itadori closed his eyes, his chest tight with an unfamiliar feeling. Why did he care so much about what Juri thought of him? Why did he feel the need to be close to her, to impress her, to earn her respect?

Maybe it wasn’t just about being her student. Maybe… he wanted something more.

But what that was, he still couldn’t put into words. And until he could, he knew he had to keep training, keep pushing himself—not just for Juri, but for himself.

Even if he was still figuring out why it mattered so much.

.

.

.

The Burden of Strength Masterlist

[thesecrethunt]

Cut another ex-friend off last weekend. Very glad I did. He was an emotional vampire. If he’s not ranting about constant drama in his life, or talking mad shit about someone, or victimizing himself, he would go out of his way to find threads that make him mad on Twitter and link it in the group chat so he could rant about it.

Last weekend he did it again: Something about Billie Eilish saying something about body shaming. I don’t remember what was said, I only remember it being really stupid.

He went on this entire rant about how she was a stupid bitch and a spoiled brat and other lowkey misogynistic stuff.

I told him he was being unreasonably angry and that he should stop interacting with Twitter outrage porn.

He started cussing me out and giving me all of this shit about how I was “invalidating him and gaslighting” him and “clearly been holding this in for a while”. 🙄 I was so done and exhausted by him at that point. While he was sending me 5 paragraph long rants full of cussing and self pity to my two sentence responses, I didn’t even read all of it. It was just nothing but spite and nastiness and uncalled for insults. I just sat back and was thinking to myself like “Do I even like being around this asshole anymore? When was the last time he added to my peace instead of take away from it? I have been nothing but kind to him, but he seems perfectly comfortable throwing all this shit at my feet.”

I just let him cry and shit himself in the chat until he was done. Then, I just told him “You know what? You’re right. I completely invalidated your feelings, and I’m sorry. But the last time someone tried to mischaracterize me as some manipulative, hateful harpy, it ended up pretty terribly for me. So, it’s been nice, but I need to protect my peace.”

Then I cut him off and blocked him.

It was clear by the way he was so comfortable spitting all that vitriol my way that he didn’t think I would cut him off like nothing. People are always shocked when I leave them where they disrespected me the first time. You show me single a red flag and I will show you the door.

He was one of those “everybody always leaves me” people too. Draining to be around.

I have felt nothing but relief after leaving him behind.

The funny thing was, this happened literally a couple days after I began a weekend-long spell ritual for spiritual growth and healing.

Guess he wasn’t conductive to my growth 🤷🏽‍♀️

I got a video on my fyp the next day that said

“When you choose peace, it comes with a lot of goodbyes.”

He was one of the last from that friend group I left because of [redacted]. And I lowkey knew I would eventually have to let him go. He was seeing therapy so I was hoping he would start being better about it, but the second he turned that nastiness and anger toward me, I was done lmao. Because staying after that just teaches them that they can disrespect and say anything they want to you, and fear no consequence.

I genuinely hope all the vitriol he spewed over a Twitter thread was worth my friendship. Because that was what it cost him. And given he’s been losing friends left and right over shit like this, I hope he will learn from it.

But it’s more likely he won’t. He will just play victim like he always does.

[general-kalani]

Not fantasy, but I feel like shows like Space Battleship Yamato (reboot, 2199 specifically), Babylon 5 and Legend of the Galactic Heroes does these tactics stuff pretty well.

I’ll only write one of them here since it’s a long one

Legend of the Galactic Heroes. There’s so much combat here that to be anything other than have tactics constantly is stupid. Both the FPA and the Empire have tactics. And not only tactics, but political tactics. The best ones are from My Conquest is the Sea of Stars in my opinion.

In MCitSoS, Reinhard is coming to Iserlohn, his fleet has had a long trip and Iserlohn was already preparing an intercept fleet for the forces at Legnica (a gas planet near Iserlohn) however Muckenberger, the Chief Commander of the Space Fleet doesn’t want to deal with him. Despite the fact they were already preparing an intercept fleet, he orders for Reinhard’s fleet to redirect instead.

They even insult him while he’s away, they don’t believe in his abilities! And yet he comes back unscathed and it’s incredible. They call it a fluke naturally and prepare for the next battle where they have to protect Iserlohn.

Which leads us to this:

Muckenberger’s sending Reinhard and his fleet in alone, intending to sacrifice the man which falls under the whole “this commander is an idiot” however logically it was sound to him and this is important because it’s perspectives. To him, sacrificing Reinhard would mean absolutely nothing negative to him even if the man is favoured and he’d have gotten rid of a man he hated.

And yet Reinhard subverted his expectations, seen in the gif as Reinhard does a ballsy move of turning between the two fleets and going out the right side out of combat. This still could have prompted enemy attack and yet it didn’t (plot reasons sure) but it showed Muckenberger to be a fool.

And then afterwards:

This use of “brat” showing he still hates the idea of even letting Reinhard take some glory for himself, or even help despite how badly his own fleet needs it.

But due to this help, the FPA gets into trouble, they throw out a diversion fleet. The Baron (on Muckenberger’s right during the second gif here) sees this as their escape being cut off. But Muckenberger, the actual soldier, sees this as an attack on Iserlohn, the Fortress they’re meant to be defending from enemy forces.

So he falls for it, who wouldn’t! Your base gets attacked why shouldn’t you immediately divert to deal with it? However since he fell for the diversion, his fleet now gets into trouble, which forces Reinhard’s hand to divert some of his Battleships to deal with the fleet, and what does he send?

Instead of going off at his superior officer or claiming him an idiot (like movies would do) he instead goes blunt and simple.

And it gets Muckenberger’s respect! You can see him go from frowning to smiling a bit. He’s impressed and it really makes me want to go into detail about this arc of respect he gets to Reinhard because on any other movie that’s modern, the superior would have ignored it. It’s an inferior officer after all why should he care.

But this is why I love Legend of the Galactic Heroes, there’s character growth with the commanders. They’re not one-dimensional “I know better than you” commanders, especially Muckenberger here.

It’s just one of the few older shows that actually explore good commanders and write “bad” commanders very well that either stay very bad and stupid or grow to be a better one and it’s why I endorse the show and sing high praises.

the problem with knowing things about battle tactics is that an ever-increasing subset of popular media becomes impossible to enjoy properly because you have to sit there like 'wow Captain Protagonist good to know all those dead people on your own side are a direct result of your total lack of anything resembling brains'

[debb987]

Author Note for fic - 2012 TMNT interpretation

This was kind of long for the Author Note of Chapter 3, so I’m placing it here instead. So, I don’t mean to do any bashing on “The Eldest Brother” fic, this is just some analysis / my interpretation  on the TMNT 2012 circumstances. 

Leo is a fan of Space Heroes, a series which often shows the captain “calming down” the junior by slapping him (uses physical violence as comedy relief). For someone that didn’t leave the sewers in fifteen years, they only have Splinter and the media to learn and imitate. He’s not being purposely mean, he just doesn’t know better.

Splinter struggles to separate Sensei role and Parent role. He often ends up mixing them up, which makes it hard for his sons to confide in him on certain things, so he is shown often giving the first step to help with what he sees his sons need. Like talking with Donnie in the Metal Head episode, with Leo about fighting unfairly to win, and Raph about ignoring the insults instead of letting them make him angry. This, of course, means that if he doesn’t notice something, the issue is not addressed or resolved. 

Mikey is the family baby (and has ADHD, you can pry this from my cold, dead hands) and that comes with: Babying, doubting his capabilities regardless of how many times he proves them wrong (he probably can’t stay still/be silent/ concentrate. Better be the bait instead of ambushing the enemy) considering him too distracted/childish to be trusted with dangerous or difficult stuff. The brothers’ default response for his ideas/opinions is, often, to dismiss them. Probably they don’t even realize how mean this can be at times, and even Splinter seems to think Mikey is childish/an airhead, so… yeah. Not resolved, at least at this point of time (S1 2012 series).

Donnie is expected to know everything, create anything, repair everything, to the point where he gets scolded when he doesn’t know something. “Why didn’t you tell me they had shields??” “Because I wanted us to fail. OBVIOUSLY I DIDN’T KNOW!” And although he has accepted the role and does so for his family, I think he’d not be too keen on working for others not close to him, hence the reluctance to make a Tphone for Rise!Raph, this stranger that claims to be another version of his brother but acts nothing like him. He’d probably not have this issue if it had been Rise!Mikey landing on their world. Too similar to be anything but the baby bro~

And 2012 Raph, much like his Rise!counterpart, prefers to turn difficult emotions into anger, and loves and wants to protect his family the best he can. He’s a little hothead and can be quick to  jump to conclusions, but that’s expected for most teens in general, if you ask me. Again, not resolved, at least at this point of time (S1 2012 series) but he does get some character growth later on from what I’ve been told. I haven’t watched anything after S1 2012.

Anyway, I usually don’t rant this much in the AN of my fics, but the TMNT fandom scares me (the 2012 vs 2018 discussions can get real mean), so I’d rather “justify” things here than go individually in the comments. Circumstances for each TMNT version are different… please don’t insult ppl if they like one version more than the other, and, is ok to be able to criticize the ‘flaws’ of each show and still like them. 

Welp, hope you enjoyed the read!(Or will enjoy it, if you happened to see this note before I publish Ch 3 haha) 

This is the link for anyone curious. https://archiveofourown.org/works/42638430/chapters/107105004#workskin

 See ya’ around~ dEBB987

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[yoonpobs]

together | myg

pairing: min yoongi x singlemother!reader

genre: fluff, very soft fluff, domesticity

words: 5, 007

summary: min yoongi is a good man but even a better father ... figure

“Baby … what did we say about boundaries?” You crouch down to reach Jihoon’s eye level and the mini you—as said by your friends—simply ignores your oncoming lecture by staring at his feet.

“Limits …” He mumbles softly and all you want to do is hug him and tell him he can do no wrong but motherhood is tough despite all the online blogs telling you that they’re with you. You loved your baby, you really did—but God decided to fuck with you by making him the reflection of yourself when you were younger and you heard nightmarish stories from your parents from when you were growing up.

You run your hand over his hair soothingly because as much as he was like you, he was still only two years old and his own person, fluff and bread arms. You knew not to restrain him with furrowed brows or raised voices but instead with the patience your parents always taught you to have and the compassion that you wished you were naturally blessed with. But life had a funny way of taking away things from you.

Well—your ex-husband was never really taken from you—he left you, and instead of feeling shambled and distraught you were made of such resolve that you merely blinked when he packed his bags after he said he was cheating on you. The only sweat you broke was realising that Jihoon was only three months old when his dad left without sparing him another glance.

But your baby grew up and so did you. Your job at office paid well enough for you to live comfortably with Jihoon and hire nannies to look after him whenever you couldn’t; even though you tried your best to always be with him so he wouldn’t grow up resenting an absent mother. But you worried like anyone else would because while your friends and family would say you were doing an impeccable job, your self-sabotaging tendencies nagged at yourself by saying that he needed a male figure in his life.

He mumbles a soft apology, so respectful with his big eyes and you smile at him. You knew he meant no harm when storming into your office and scrambling off with important documents because he was still impressionable and curious about nearly everything. Your heart dropped when you realised your reports were pretty much incoherent with the way he doodled over them but you knew not to blame him.

“Forgiven Hoon.” You kiss his forehead.

His eyes turn into tiny slits with his toothless smile and your heart clenches at the little human you created and love dearly.

“Love you mama.” He plants a sloppy kiss on your cheek before waddling off to his playpen where his toys are laid neatly. If there was anything he inherited from you; it’d be your meticulous tendencies.

You sigh, leaning into the wall of your kitchen as you watch Jihoon with fond eyes as he plays with his dolls and figurines, dressing them in dresses and pants just like how you taught him that gender had no look and that everyone was different. Obviously, explaining the concept of social constructs to a two-year-old is not a conversation any parent would have with their child but you believed that these fundamental core values of humanity were important to his growth into his toddler stages and eventually adulthood.

“I can’t believe you squeezed that cutie out of your vagina.” Taehyung snorts, sneaking up behind you and you don’t flinch because you’re way too used to his unwanted comments and sudden appearances.

“I am 90% cute so it’s only right that my child inherits that from me.” You retort, eyes still trained on your baby boy.

Taehyung looks over at Jihoon who directs a mini-play of a loving family, and your heart is still sad at the prospect of his adolescent years only being with you.

“You know … hyung is asking about you,” Taehyung says and you immediately still in your position, hands freezing in your pockets because you know exactly who he’s referring too and you weren’t exactly ready for that conversation, especially with your older brother.

“He says he misses Hoonie.”

You sigh, turning your head to face your older brother and you can only muster enough emotion to look fine with his statement but you simply looked constipated with the way your face scrunches up.

“We’ve been busy …” You mutter.

“Jihoon is two-years-old and the only thing he’s busy with is trying not to give you a heart attack every time he nearly runs into the wall and you literally work from home now that your boss is some progressive liberal that tries a new system every two days,” Taehyung says dryly, pinning you with a deadpan.

“Stop offending me by insulting my son!” You whine.

“That’s my nephew too.” He rolls his eyes as you punch him in the shoulder.

“That has a name and it’s Jihoon you bitch.”

“Mama said beech?” Jihoon tilts his head in a curious manner and your expression morphs into one of mortification as Taehyung cackles in response.

“Stop. Laughing.” You hiss but it’s no use because your brother has never once listened to anything you had to say throughout the last twenty-nine years of your life.

“You—” Your snide is cut short by rapt knocks on your door, and you see Taehyung’s grin widen. You know that look intimately because it’s the expression he wears before he pisses you off or embarrasses you.

“He’s here!” He sounds delighted as he skips towards the door. You want to pull his back by his collar to ask him what the fuck he was talking about but he’s quick with his hands and the door is open. Your mouth falls and you nearly get whiplash with the way that you stare at your guest.

“Y-Yoongi.” He was possibly the last person you wanted to see and you had no idea what he was doing at your apartment at night on a weekday.

Then you see Taehyung’s pleased expression and put two-and-two together.

“___, hey. Taehyung said you needed help with Hoon tonight?” He offers a tilt of his lips because Yoongi was not an expressive man by any means. But that didn’t mean he didn’t have a good heart; that was far from the truth of the enigma that was Min Yoongi.

He was a good person and an even better friend. Although the two of you had tip-toed on the line between friends to something more than that, he never explicitly said anything about his interests to you. And you didn’t want to pressure him by saying anything because even though he was in his thirties and still very much single with a stable job as a surgeon at the top hospital, a two-year-old son is rarely what a man that appealing ever wants when looking for a relationship.

That was why you stopped replying to his texts or inviting him over to hang out with Jihoon anymore because Jihoon adored him so much and your poor heart couldn’t bear to see the two boys interact without an ugly flower called hope bloom in your chest. He only ever knew who you were because he and Taehyung were co-workers and probably only tolerated you by association.

You loved Jihoon and wanted the best for him. Even if that was Min Yoongi—you needed to protect your heart too.

“I did?” You tilt your head and Yoongi automatically notices the habit that you and Jihoon share. Taehyung is somehow next to you already and you know that because he stomps on your foot and shoots you a glare when you hiss.

“I did.” You cough.

“Mama?” Jihoon peeks his head through the divider between the kitchen and the common area, and his eyes immediately light up when he sees Yoongi hovering by the entrance.

“Yoongi!” He squeals as he speeds as fast as he can with his little feet towards the man in his scrubs who shoots your son with his gummy smile.

“Hey, buddy.” He picks your son up effortlessly and you know you’re staring but you rarely ever see men who are this patient let alone this good with children.

“Close your lips,” Taehyung whispers into your ear.

“I’m—that’s not what was happening …” You mumble, a blush appearing on your cheeks as you look away from the hugs and kisses that Yoongi gives Jihoon.

“I meant your other ones.” Your brother says dryly.

“Kim Taehyung—!” Your arms are already reaching for his neck to strangle him but Yoongi calling your name snaps you out of your anger.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?”

Your head snaps to Yoongi who now has Jihoon on his hip while he plays with the material of his scrubs. You hate how your heart flutters at the domesticity of the question and how Yoongi looks so much like a father to your son and a husband in your home.

You realise the dangerous daydream you’re falling into and shake your head to snap out of it before you hurt yourself even more.

“Us? No, we haven’t. Tae and I were planning to order in at our favourite place.” You tell Yoongi with a small smile.

You see the hint of a frown marring on his face but it goes as quick as it comes as he stalks towards you.

“Actually—” Taehyung cuts in before Yoongi can say anything, “—I have a … thing.”

He points his thumb towards the door and you curse him in your head so much that you hoped sibling telepathy was a thing so he could hear what you felt about him right now.

“You … do?” Yoongi asks.

Taehyung shrugs, as ambiguous as ever before ruffling Jihoon’s hair and offering a fist bump and a kiss before he approaches your door.

“Taehyung—” You grit.

“Bye, buddy! Yoongi.” He acknowledges the two other boys but not you and you know it’s because while Taehyung loved to annoy you, he knew you were a handful and quite literally the spawn of satan when you were angry and you weren’t just angry but livid.

“Get back here—!” And he’s gone before you know it, and even Jihoon mumbles a soft bye Tae samchon after he’s gone.

You sigh, resting your head against the frame of the door that was now shut in your face, stuck in your own house with the man that you’ve been helplessly pining over that looks way too at home with the way Jihoon plays with the softness of his black hair.

You turn around, closing your eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

When you open them, Yoongi has an eyebrow raised, placing Jihoon on his high-chair. And you don’t know why you found that act so hot but you couldn’t even set your own son down into that chair without him making a fuss but he only giggled cheekily when Yoongi did so.

“What for?”

He doesn’t sound angry, just genuinely confused. You purse your lips and walk towards Jihoon who was simply babbling to himself and grab a cloth to wipe at the appearance of a new stain on his shirt which you suspect he got from his playtime earlier, and you internally groaned at the fact that he probably found some food and decided that it would be a good addition to his play family.

“I know it’s really busy at the hospital this time around and Taehyung basically scammed you here … with us.” You fiddle with your fingers after you pick up a toy on the floor and pass it to Jihoon to keep him occupied as you have a much more … adult-esque conversation with Yoongi. While you made it clear to Jihoon that he didn’t necessarily have a father in his life because you owed him that much, you tried to steer far from conflict and turmoil so he wouldn’t have to grow up knowing only the lows of life.

Yoongi just … stares. And it’s unnerving because you could barely read the man in general and he was looking at you with a blank expression that only causes your anxiety to settle further into your bones. You’re thinking of about a million different ways to apologise or to spontaneously combust so you could save yourself from the scrutiny of Yoongi’s eyes. But before you can say anything and embarrass yourself, even more, he speaks.

“Do you think I don’t enjoy spending time with the two of you?” He frowns, and that’s the most expressive you’ve seen him throughout your entire friendship with the man. The fact that the first time he’s ever shown any explicit emotion around you is one of … disappointment … only makes you realise how far out of his league you were.

“N-No!” You shake your head, flustered at his tone. When you look at him, his face is much softer; a type of expression that shows longing but you aren’t quite sure why it’s there.

“It’s just … you’re busy, Yoongi. You’re a hotshot doctor at the best private healthcare facility in the city and you’re here spending the last night before the weekend with some pathetic single mom who still—by the way—can’t decide on how to brush my teeth just because it doesn’t feel right.”

Yoongi blinks at you, then he looks over at Jihoon and you’re confused for a second because it seems like he’s dismissing your mini ramble, but instead, he reaches out to Jihoon’s hand and bends down so he can look Jihoon straight in the eye.

“Hey, bud?” He calls out to Jihoon and your son looks at Yoongi with all the stars in his eyes.

Your heart softens at the interaction and notices how the way Jihoon doesn’t pull away when Yoongi reaches out to carry him in his arms again.

“Yoongi!” He squeals, squeezing the man’s cheeks between his chubby fingers and you can’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm and the way that Yoongi resembles a cat.

“I need to ask you something.” He whispers as if it were only the two of the room and you stand on the opposite of them with your arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

Your son bobs his head up and down in agreement as he waits for Yoongi to ask him his question.

“Yoongi …” You trail off but he pays you no mind.

“Do you love your mama?” The question surprises you and your mouth opens and closes, and your emotions are all over the place because the question makes you feel nearly inadequate. The way that he asks the question prompts you to wonder if it seemed like what you were doing for Jihoon just wasn’t enough.

“What is this even about?” You snap, eyes narrowed at Yoongi but he still ignores you.

Jihoon nods his cute little head eagerly without a moment of hesitation after Yoongi asks his … what you would say—preposterous question.

“I love mama with all my heart. She’s the best!” Jihoon giggles into Yoongi’s shirt as he leans his head against his chest. You don’t know why his words make you choke up when he tells you he loves you every day but the reassurance that your son does indeed love you makes you feel like you can do anything. It was also probably the fact that you noticed Yoongi smiling fondly between the two of you.

“Do you think she’s pathetic, Hoonie?” He throws your words to your son and you scowl at Yoongi who is still keeping his act of ignoring you very much alive.

“Pathedic?” Jihoon tilts his head again and you almost coo at the slight lisp he has when he asks.

Yoongi chuckles warmly and offers you a small smile as if to tell you that you’d see soon enough before repeating himself to your son.

“Bad.” Yoongi settles.

Jihoon gasps in his tiny little way and frowns, looking over at you with a cute crumpled expression that makes your heart swell even more. The urge to hold your son increases tremendously but you were still confused and curious as to what Yoongi was getting at.

“No no no! Mama is the best, didn’t you hear?” Jihoon squabbles.

You bite your lip to refrain from smiling so wide and choke back the tears that well up.

“Mama always cooks yummy food and never yells at me! I always see other mama’s yelling at their babies but mama … mama loves me too, right?” He rambles off and you sniffle.

“Love you a lot, Hoon.” You say from a distance and Jihoon is satisfied with your answer.

You turn to look at Yoongi and sigh.

“What is this about, Yoongi?” You sound stern and he acknowledges that. He knows the situation is much more serious than what he perceives but he can’t help but observe how the furrow of your brows resembles a squirrel. The comparison makes him want to laugh because you were so cute even when you were angry.

“I have one more question.” He tells you.

You don’t say anything but watch the way he leans in closer to Jihoon with eyes more serious than you’ve seen before.

“You want to see mama happy?” Yoongi whispers so softly that you almost miss it.

Jihoon nods.

“Of course. Mama always makes me happy. But she looks … lonely.” Jihoon frowns a little and you can’t help but have a tear fall. Your baby boy was young but observant and had a heart of pure gold. You didn’t need anyone but Jihoon but—

“What do you think if she gave you a papa?” Yoongi asks and the question stills your entire body. You don’t even see the way Jihoon lights up at the proposition and you also miss the way Yoongi looks over at you once to gauge your reaction.

“Will you be my papa Yoongi?” The question is what snaps you out of your reverie to realise the situation you were in and the allusion of Jihoon’s question.

“Jihoon! You can’t just—say sorry.” You squeak but Jihoon doesn’t pay you any mind because his attention is all on Yoongi who is smiling as wide as he possibly can.

“Only if your mom says yes, Hoonie. If only she knew how much I liked her.” He tells Jihoon but he’s looking at you. Your eyes are wide at the confession and your hands fall limp by your side; not knowing how to respond to Yoongi’s sudden confession.

It wasn’t anything spectacular, and it didn’t cause butterflies to erupt like it was in the movies but the confession was so wholeheartedly Yoongi that you felt so … comfortable. A surprising yet welcoming emotion.

Jihoon looks over to you but you’re looking at Yoongi who looks at you with soft eyes.

“Say yes mama!”

Yoongi stands up from his position to walk over to your frozen state until your hands rest on his chest unconsciously. He looks down at you as his arms wrap around your waist to pull you flush against his body. You blush and avoid his stare when he tries to catch your eyes. You know Jihoon is watching and that makes you feel all the more flustered. It was like you were back in high school and you were ‘canoodling’ behind your parents’ backs.

“Y-Yoongi …” You try to push him away but he reaches his hands to wrap them around your own.

“I’m sorry but you can’t run away from me this time ___.” He teases.

You flush and look away.

“I wasn’t … running …” You mutter.

He chuckles and shakes his head that you feel strands of his hair against your forehead when he leans in closer to connect your forehead with his own.

“Okay.” He agrees. He doesn’t put up a fight and you hate how even when you’re the one that’s flustered he can make you feel … safe. Calm.

“I like you, dumbass. I would go as far to say that I’m in love with you but I know how scared you get so let’s settle for the baby steps first, yeah?” He says so casually that your eyes bulge out of your eye sockets comically.

“You c-can’t just …” You blubber, “Say that!”

Yoongi scoffs.

“I like you Kim ___.”

You punch him in the chest but he doesn’t even flinch.

“No you don’t …” You whisper.

You don’t look at him but you can feel his frown.

“And who are you to tell me how I feel?”

You sigh.

“Yoongi … I don’t know if you heard what I said earlier but you’re … you … and I’m just some other girl that you know because of Taehyung and I’m a mother of a two-year-old. You could literally be with anyone you wanted and I just … you don’t like me. You just—can’t.” You exasperate.

He frowns at you, forcing your chin up to look at him with his index finger. You burn even redder at how close you were.

“I love you. I love Jihoon. And you need to get out of your pretty little head because I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I don’t know where you’re getting this weird picture of me being with anyone I want because I don’t want anyone. I want this—I want in, in this little family.”

You feel yourself choke up, and Yoongi notices so he holds you closer until your head is against his chest.

“I’m emotionally constipated half the time I interact with anyone but you just … you make me feel alive and things that I generally don’t feel on a daily basis. You and Hoon are the only things that keep me going with all the surgeries and stuff. I’m in love with you and it’s all your fault and Hoonie wants you to be happy as much as I do—so please: stop running.”

“Why are you running mama?” Jihoon asks and you remember your son is watching it all.

You flush but don’t move from Yoongi’s grasp. He thinks of this as a step forward because all you do is turn your head to look at Jihoon and offer him a smile through your tears.

You and Yoongi hear Jihoon’s whine and you see him reach his arms towards you as a gesture for you to carry him.

“Mama why are you crying!” He cries.

You feel Yoongi release you and you immediately reach out to Jihoon like it was second nature because it was. Jihoon was the only thing that kept you going when people would give you odd stares as a single mother especially when you were starting to look into preschools for your son. All the superiors would question your legitimacy and income when you were earning more than the average working man. You were always very particular about who you allowed into Jihoon’s life because he was young and got attached easily. But Yoongi made it so … easy. Just like he was that missing piece in both your and Jihoon’s lives.

“I’m okay bubs.” You kiss Jihoon on his cheeks as you hold back your tears.

“Don’t cry, mama.” Jihoon frowns and puts his thumbs between your furrowed brows just like you would always do when he was starting to sulk. You chuckle and hold your son closer to your chest, feeling all the more comforted.

“I’m serious about this ___ …” Yoongi steps closer to you and wraps an arm around you and Jihoon and the action feels so utterly domestic. You feel safe and content within his grasp.

“Yoongi …” You look up at him through your eyelashes and Yoongi has always been entranced with your beauty. It was never just about how beautiful you looked when you were a mother to Jihoon but the energy you carried around you was contagious and he’s immediately lightened up in your presence. He was patient with you because he knew you were serious about Jihoon and that he was your number one priority.

“No, please … listen to me ___.” He cups your cheeks while Jihoon is looking between the two of you with keen interest.

“I know you’re scared because of Jihoon and that’s valid. But I don’t want you to think that you’re not enough for me for superficial reasons because the truth is I probably won’t ever be enough for you and you’re here being the woman of my dreams. I respect your decision if you aren’t ready for a relationship and I won’t push you but I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere just because we aren’t together because I rather have you next to me as a friend than lose out on you forever.”

You had always been a crybaby and Taehyung was probably the reason why you cried all the time as children since he always had been the more rambunctious one between the two of you while you were far timider. But Yoongi knew that under all the times you shed tears because you were touched is a strong-willed woman that could withstand nearly anything in this world if it were for her son.

“And I know that I’m not over my head thinking this but … you want me too and it’s okay if you do but you don’t want a relationship. I respect you as a person, a woman and the mother of Jihoon. I just don’t want you to push me away.” He whispers so softly when he looks into your eyes.

“Mama …” Jihoon whines and you look down at him for a moment when he gives you a glare that doesn’t look so intimidating because of his bread cheeks.

“Yoongi is fun! Can he be our daddy?” You know his choice of words didn’t necessarily entail that context for you in particular but you blush anyway because he was just two. Yoongi senses your flustered state but squeezes your cheeks in between his hands and you feel coddled. It was a new feeling, one that was almost unfamiliar with how long you’ve been deprived of a significant other’s touch.

“I—Yoongi … I really don’t know what to say …” You mumble.

Yoongi smiles at you, comforting and homey all at once because Yoongi was a lot of things but never pushy.

“You don’t have to say anything. I don’t know if you realised this but I’m basically Hoon’s dad whether you like it or not because he and I spend more time together than I do with my colleagues at work and I work overtime all the time.” He teases.

“Jihoon really adores you.” You agree, biting on your lip as your mind races for the hundredth time this hour.

You liked Yoongi. You really did—and somewhere along the way, like turned into something more … dangerous. A territory that you usually reserved for Jihoon because you only had the capacity to care for one boy in your life but Yoongi smuggled his way into your heart and here he was causing a hurricane in your stomach.

The words he spoke were so truthful and genuine that you can’t help but believe that against all odds in the universe, Yoongi has somehow chosen you. You were the one that was afraid. He has always chosen you. That enough is shown when he makes his way after tiring shifts just to lay on your couch and play with Jihoon in times where all he could do was babble incoherent words. He chose you when he made surprise visits with the homemade stew that you knew he knew your son and you loved. He chose you when he invited you and Jihoon to spend Chuseok together because you mentioned just spending it with your son than with your family. His parents adored you and were even more taken with Jihoon.

He has always chosen you but now it was your turn.

“I love you.”

You say those words without much further thought because you’ve always felt it. Three words have never felt so safe on your tongue to utter into the atmosphere and you feel the same after the truth is out there. You always knew how you felt and you knew that Yoongi was smart to observe your feelings too, which was why when you finally said it he just looked … content. Happy—like he was in a place that was so familiar and comforting that he didn’t need to react any differently.

“I want—I want to be with you.” You clear your throat, “If you’ll have me.”

You look so shy and young—because you were. But you had that childlike innocence that he’s only ever had the pleasure to see when you would play fight with Jihoon. He feels his chest swell with pride knowing that he was the reason you looked like that and felt the way you did.

“Hmm … should I?” He leaned in closer until his breath was on your cheek.

You knew he was teasing you but you still can’t meet his eyes, and Jihoon simply giggles at the way Yoongi squeezes him between your chests in a way so comforting that Jihoon feels like it’s a warm hug from a blanket.

“Don’t tease …” You grumble.

Yoongi runs his hand through your hair and pulls your head closer to his to give you a gentle kiss on the lips. It was nothing seductive or implicative but so Yoongi. A kiss to show you he wanted this and that he felt whatever flurry of emotions you felt. A kiss like he was coming home.

He pulls away and you see Jihoon frowning between the two of your through your redness and shock.

“I wanna’ kiss too!” He whines, and you and Yoongi both look at your son with the stars in your eyes, then lock eyes with each other; and you do what comes naturally next.

You both kiss your son on the cheeks.

[zepskies]

Hey, hun!! So great to get your thoughts on this chapter, especially after I came at you guys with that cliffhanger. 😂

That beginning was intense, wasn't it? I got the creeps myself while writing it. 😫 But yes, I wanted to treat the "character death" lightly on this one for the very reason you brought up. It's a heart-wrenching moment, and it didn't need to be a graphic one. And it very much hits Dean later -- both Dean and the reader.

And then he has to literally lock down his caring instincts to stop the vamps before he can address the readers injuries.

I thought it would be on-brand for Dean to have to lock up his emotions (struggling with that) in order to get the rest of the job done, even if it's not easy for him. Especially because Sam's in danger too now. But as always, he's a protector. 🥲

Aaaaand then the argument we all know was coming. 😅 You're right, it's coming from a place of deep worry, but he lets his frustration get the best of him for sure lol. Anger is easier than digging deep into his man feelings.

I love that she curses him out in Spanish. I don’t know, there’s something about not understanding it that makes it worse I feel.

Oh absolutely! In a "I know you're insulting me but I don't know what and I can't fight back" type way. 🤣

“Oh, I’m sorry, does this telenovela-style tongue lashing come with subtitles?” As always I shouldn’t laugh but this was a great line and so very snarky Dean. Perfect.

LOLL thank you!! I love me some snarky Dean (even though the reader didn't appreciate it). 😅

As for the vamps trying to "adopt" Andy, somewhat "Twilight"-esque lol but ultra creepy. I think we're all glad Dean doesn't tell her that little tidbit. 🫠

Aww the "dreamcatcher." It's Dean's goal to help her not have to wear it so often, but he does find it endearing at the same time. Yep, things could definitely be worse in the aftermath of their fight, again, "in more ways than one." 😢

When dean walks in to her dancing it’s so cute. I can’t salsa but have definitely done little routines when cleaning and cooking so I can totally relate and then just the image of dean watching with a smirk on his face makes me melt so much.

Hahaha YES! I do the same thing! I always listen to music while cleaning and cooking, and just about doing anything really (with wacky dancing included). For this scene, I was picturing that moment in Fools Rush In where Matt Perry is watching Salma Hayek while she's cooking:

Aaaand then of course I had to ruin the mood loll.

I can perfectly see deans faces falling as he this thought floods his mind and how he’s no doubt beating himself up 😩

For sure, Dean's pretty predictable in that regard. Even if it wasn't his fault she was hurt, he's still a bit tormented by the whole ordeal. 😥

But I didn't want them to let it fester between them. I liked being able to give Dean a bit of growth and letting him be the first one to apologize and let her know where he's coming from -- and that's fear.

And deans little speech about staying alone 🥺 just broke my heart. The man doesn’t deserve that at all.

Agreed, lovely. 💙💙 This is why I think the writers did Dean so dirty in the SPN finale. He deserved his happy ending, damn it. Love and a family fr. 😭😭 But you can tell by S15 he's just like, given up on having that kind of love in his life. The writers certainly didn't allow it, anyway.

And for the reader's part, Hispanic/Latino cultures in general really do center around family. And while that's not to say everyone wants kids, this girl truly does. She's never had a family that was "whole," and she still craves that for her future, even though she's a hunter. (That's also something I want to explore more in Part 3 of Midnight Espresso-verse.)

And yay, the salsa dancing!! I'm so glad you enjoyed that part. Was a much needed break from all the drama and heartbreak, right? 😂😂 I knew I wanted to use that song, because I also thought it was a perfect fit for them and for this moment loll. (And like the reader, I blush when I listen to it. 😂)

“More of a connoisseur,” loved this line too. That whole section of teasing was just amazing.

Thank you so much!! 😜 I do love that line too, but my true favorite to write for this chapter is the one of his that follows that:

Dean’s smirk deepens. “Sweetheart, you’re a goddamn buffet.”

But LOL I'm so sorry for jumbling your emotions. I can't help bringing in those moments of hurt/comfort in there. 😂 The moments of Dean "being brave" and being honest about how he feels were very satisfying to write. I love this comment of yours though:

“Isn’t it obvious?” you ask. “I’m gonna devour you.” So hot and I love that Dean gets this kind of relationship with someone. He deserves someone who loves him like this.

I totally agree -- I think we all want to see Dean get the love he deserves.

And just like how I loved that she cursed him out in Spanish, I think it was adorable how she told him she loved him in Spanish too. And dean didn’t need to understand every word to understand the meaning behind them. Just beautiful.

Thank you, lovely!! I enjoyed creating that parallel too. It's partially that thing that bilingual people will understand, of being able to express yourself best, and the most freely, in your native language. Spanish in particular is a very romantic language (at least in my opinion).

For example, when she says: "Te amo y te quiero," she's basically telling him "I love you," but in two different ways with different connotations for each. One in the romantic sense, and the other in a "you're my family" sense.

And I love that you enjoyed how she showed him as well as told him that she loves him. 😏😏

As always, thank you so much for your lovely thoughts on this!! You know it's a special one to me. I look forward to doing the final installment with these two, tentatively titled, "Two-Shot Turbo." 😂 (We'll see if that sticks.) 💋💕💕

Devour Me - Part 2

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Plus-Sized/Latina!Reader 

Summary: When you and Dean start to press each other’s buttons, both of your tempers ignite. To make up for it, you give him an impromptu salsa dancing lesson…one he didn’t exactly ask for. (18+)

AN: Here's Part 2 of the sequel to “Midnight Espresso!”

Go back to: Part 1

Song Inspo: “Yo No Se Mañana” by Luis Enrique.

But really it’s “Ven Devórame Otra Ves” by Lalo Rodriguez. (You’ll see why.) 🤭

Word Count: 5,400 Tags/Warnings: 18+ only! Blood, character death and violence, smutty smut, angst, and tons of sexy fluff.

Part 2: "Telenovela Style"

Your resulting scream of agony is as unforgiving as the ground when your knees buckle, hitting the hard cement.

Andy grips you with the strength of a monster. 

Then he holds you down as he drinks your blood. 

No matter how you struggle and whimper, you can’t push him off, and you’re getting weaker by the second.

Until Andy is ripped away from your neck, and is taken care of the way all vampires must be. He doesn’t even feel the blade coming. 

When you’re able to look up, Dean stands above you with thinly veiled fury. He doesn’t have time to consider what he’s just done. 

He bends to gather you up into his arms, all the while trying to stamp down the panic clenching his heart. He calls your name, but you can only make weak sounds as your bleary eyes meet his. 

“Dean,” you manage. The ragged wound in your neck is bleeding profusely down your chest and shoulder, seeping into your shirt. He takes your hand and clamps it hard against your neck, even though it makes you whimper.

“Gotta stop the bleeding,” he says, apologetic but firm. “Keep pressing.”

In your stupor of pain, you don’t realize that your screech woke the entire nest. Dean has to lock up his worry; he looks up and finds his brother and Cas already fighting a hoard of angry vampires. 

Dean carries you over to them and lays you down against the wall with the other humans. He keeps a protective line in front of you, but he decapitates a vampire before she can sink her fangs into Sam next.

The two of them work together, and with Castiel’s smiting power behind them, the angel and the two men are able to clear the rest of the nest. 

By the end, only you and two of the women being held captive are still alive. The third girl’s heart just finally gave out. Sam takes the survivors to the nearest hospital. 

Meanwhile, Castiel approaches where you sit up against the inside of the barn, barely awake, while Dean kneels with you, holding you to his chest. He meet’s Cas’s blue-eyed request with a nod. So Cas stretches out a hand and touches two fingers to your forehead. 

You’re healed in an instant. Dean marvels, like he always does when Cas displays his power. Dean is able to breathe a little easier, the vice grip on his heart easing as he touches your neck.

The tan skin is once again smooth, if still stained with blood. You blink back into wakeful consciousness. 

He shifts so he can see your face. “You okay?” 

You meet his eyes but can only nod. His jaw is still tight and tense, and you can’t blame him. 

You know you’ve messed up. Big time. You nearly got everyone killed, including yourself…and now, you have to tell a mother that her son was dead. 

Dean helps you up, holding you by your arms and waist until you’re steady on your feet. You have a hard time meeting his eyes, but when open your mouth to apologize, he beats you to it. 

“I hope you’ve learned your damn lesson,” he says. 

Your gaze snaps up to his. “Excuse me?”

Dean’s hands go to his hips as his brows raise at you. 

“Next time, when I tell you to hang back, I mean that shit. Hang the hell back,” he all but growls. 

You tilt your head at him as your irritation begins to spark. Meanwhile, Castiel is the one who backs up as he glances between you and Dean uncertainly.

“I made a mistake, but that doesn’t give you the right to tell me what to do,” you shoot back. “I was a hunter long before I met you.” 

“Yeah, well, color me surprised that you’ve made it this long,” he snaps. 

Your temper flares hotter. “You know, you’re not so goddamn perfect either.” 

“Never said I was,” Dean says. “But when my gut tells me something ain’t right, I need you to fucking listen. Otherwise, we get a day like today.”

His words are edged with grit by the end of his little rant, and you don’t appreciate it. Your lips purse in anger.

“I don’t care what that legendary gut tells you,” you sass back. “I’m not a little girl, and you’re not my damn father!”

Dean raises incredulous brows at the way you’re shouting at him. He crosses his arms. 

“What’s this, some kind of Latina temper?” he asks snidely. 

You truly become incensed at that. 

“Oh, you want to take it there?” you ask, as your eyes narrow. “Que sin vergüenza tú eres, coño. Quieres que yo encienda? Entonces tú vas a ver quien soy yo.”

Dean won’t admit it, but in that moment, he’s a bit intimidated by the quiet threat in your voice. Still, his fuse is lit, and he’s way beyond curbing his internal filter.

“Oh, I’m sorry, does this telenovela-style tongue lashing come with subtitles?” he snarks. 

You let out an incredulous breath. Your eyes begin to sting.

“You’re such an asshole!” you shout back. There, understand that?

You turn away from him before your frustrated tears can fall, but you stop short once you notice Castiel dragging out the bodies of the dead…including Andy. Your throat constricts, and you begin to stalk out of the barn. 

Dean calls your name in frustration. 

“What?” you hiss. 

The only thing that makes him hesitate is seeing the state of you when you turn back around. His anger crumbles, and maybe something in him breaks when he sees your tears. They’ve welled up in your eyes, and a few of them carve a path down your cheeks. 

You’re still covered in your own blood, and he hates it. He hates it more than anything. 

Later, you see the state of yourself when Sam returns with the Impala. In the reflection on the backseat window, you see the blood dried down your neck, staining nearly half of your shirt.

You see the black rings of your mascara and eyeliner around your eyes. You look a mess, and you try to wipe underneath your eyes. It’s a fruitless effort.

After you all finish burning the bodies, Dean starts the long drive home. You insist on stopping to tell Rachel Campbell about her son, but Sam says he already took care of it when he drove into town. 

You frown, but you no longer have the energy to be angry. You further withdraw into yourself, and your lower lip trembles as you look out the window. Through the rearview mirror, Dean sees more tears slipping down your face.

What Sam told him (but he won’t tell you), is what one of the survivors said. One of the mated pairs had taken Andy…to “adopt” a son of their own. 

That night is quiet and tense in Dean’s room. You have to wash your hair all over again, and scrub the blood and grime from your body until only your skin remains. But you don’t have the energy to do more than braid your wet hair afterwards and pull on your lucky Journey shirt, which is still full of holes. 

Dean knows that it’s bad when you need the “dreamcatcher,” as he’s called it in his head. You’ve never had a nightmare while wearing that shirt, or so you claimed a while back. 

You wear it over some long pajama pants instead of your usual shorts, or better yet, nothing at all. But he can see what kind of mood you’re in. Things are unsettled as you both get ready for bed in silence. 

He notes the way you turn to face the other side in bed, maybe to avoid him. Though if you really wanted to do that, you could’ve gone to your old room.

So in more ways than one, Dean takes some solace in the fact that you’re still next to him. And he decides to give you some time and space. 

He goes to bed and tries in vain to sleep.

In the morning, Dean’s woken by the familiar smell of coffee…and the less familiar sound of loud salsa music. 

What the fuck?

After he brushes his teeth, he puts on his robe and slippers and heads down to the kitchen, where he finds you in a seemingly better mood. You’re mopping the floor, of all things. You’re out of your pajamas, instead wearing a loose shirt that falls off your shoulder and some spandex shorts. 

“Yo no se mañana…yo no se mañana. Si estaremos juntos, si se acaba el mundo,” you sing softly along with the music as you dance from the kitchen to the living room. Your phone is connected to a Bluetooth speaker on the coffee table. 

Dean starts to smile, crossing his arms as he leans against the doorway to watch you.

At an instrumental break with a run of conga drums and trumpets, you pause in your mopping to do a little twirl as you dance, with a soulful roll of hips and a flair of salsa steps. It makes Dean’s smile kick up into a smirk.

He walks in on purposefully light feet until he’s sidled up behind you in the living room.

“Nice moves, Shakira,” he quips. 

It startles a shriek of surprise out of you as you whirl around. Dean’s smile hikes up into a grin, but it soon fades when he remembers the way your scream rang through his ears last night. The way his heart dropped into his stomach, and his head swiveled at the sound. And he saw you go down hard. 

Then the rest of it tumbles through his mind—what he had to do afterwards in order to save you. How he’d did it without really thinking, his panic and determination blocking out almost everything else when he’d grabbed the kid. The monster, he forcibly reminds himself. 

“You trying to give me a heart attack?” you ask with a hand on your heart. 

Dean forces himself to smile a little. “Sorry. But might I remind you, not everyone here’s an early bird.”

You give him a wry look.

“You’re the only one around here who sleeps past 10 a.m. Cas dipped out a while ago, and Sam’s on a run.” 

But you graciously grab your phone to lower the music to a more bearable level. Dean doesn’t yet know this about you, but this—listening to music, dancing, cleaning—it’s all your way of coping…and releasing as much of your pain, terror, and regret from yesterday as possible. 

You then look up at him more guarded. The two of you exchanged a lot of unsavory words last night. In fact, it may just be the worst fight you two have ever had in almost three years of knowing one another.  

Dean senses the shift in you, and his amusement fades. He just can't let things stay like this. He won't.

He hazards drawing closer and touching your arm.

“Look…I’m sorry for snapping at you yesterday. I know I was being a dick,” he says. “You’ve just gotta understand something.”

You wait for him to continue with furrowed brows, sensing that whatever he’s about to say is hard for him. 

“There’s a reason I don’t do this. The uh, relationship thing,” Dean continues, clearing his throat. His thumb swipes along your arm. “It’s not just this job. It’s my fucked up life. I tried to warn you before—” 

“Dean,” you say with a sigh, but he raises his hand. 

“Please, just…let me say it,” he says. “You know the spiel. But things can change on a dime. Even on a damn milk run, like a dusty nest of vamps.”

You know that. You know you could’ve died yesterday, and he doesn’t need to remind you of that fact. Before you can start to get petulant again though, Dean continues. His jaw is working, like this next part is more difficult for him to admit.

“Trust me when I say, us being together is dangerous, for both of us,” he says. “For a while I…I started to think Sam and I were better off alone.”

…That casts you into dismay. Because you know Dean isn’t lying. He’s really contemplated spending the rest of his life devoid of love, so he won’t have to lose it. 

Dangerous, for both of us.

You realize then what Dean’s really saying. He’s afraid…afraid to lose you. You see it in his furrowed brows, the downturn of his lips, and whatever pain he’s trying to hide in the depths of his eyes. 

And just like that, the water works start. You can’t quite keep your tears at bay as you hold onto his shirt. He lets out a resigned sigh as he holds you by your arms. 

“You don’t have to cry for that,” he says, a bit teasing. 

“Have you met me?” you sniff. But you manage to look up at him with your glassy eyes. “I’m sorry too. God, I’m so sorry, Dean.” 

Your fist clenches in his shirt when you remember Andy, latched onto your neck, and how Dean had to save you. You know he’s remembering it too when his brows furrow, and his gaze falls away. You reach a hand for his cheek.

“I know I fucked up,” you admit. “I was working with my heart, not my head. I just…”

You wanted so badly to help that kid and his mother. You also know that Dean understands; you see it in his eyes. He holds your hand to his cheek and brushes his thumb across the back of your hand.

“I know,” he says. “I really am sorry, baby.” 

The problem is, you didn’t just see your own mother in Rachel. She hadn’t been much older than you. And when you imagine a life beyond hunting, more than anything (no matter how much you shove down the idea), you really do want a family of your own someday. 

It’s just…days like yesterday remind you why that could be a very bad idea. 

More of your tears bubble over, and you head willingly into Dean’s arms. “Me too…”

He holds you tighter than ever. His hands rub down your back, tangle in your hair, and he drops his lips onto your hair. You sniffle, wiping your face dry in his shirt. And for a while, the two of you have peace in the relative quiet. 

Music still plays from the speaker though. And when another salsa song starts to play on your playlist, you start swaying. A smile works its way onto Dean’s face. 

“You can’t help yourself, can you?” he teases.

You smile into his chest. “We should go dancing sometime.”

Dean just laughs. “Oooh, no.”

“Oh, yes,” you reply, batting your lashes up at him. You slip a hand on his shoulder and into one of his hands. He’s forced to hold you as if the two of you were about to start Fred Astair-ing across the living room. 

“Have you ever danced before?” you ask. “Like real dancing.” 

“Not salsa, I’ll tell you that,” he quips. 

“That’s okay. I’ll teach you,” you reply with a coquettish smile. “It’s just a few simple moves.”

Dean gives you a wan look. “You made it look anything but simple.”

You blush at that, but you meet him with a pout of disappointment. You don’t let up, even when Dean frowns. He huffs at you in resistance.

“No,” he insists. You just brush a gentle thumb along his neck, biting your lip in askance.  

But the longer he stares at your beautiful, hopeful eyes, the more cracks form in his resolve. 

Eventually, Dean breaks with a sigh, and a shake of his head. 

“You’re too much, you know that?” he mutters.

It’s then that you know you’ve won.

So with a happy squeal of excitement, you clap your hands and move to stand next to him so you can show him the basic steps of salsa dancing. 

You make him take off his robe and slippers, leaving in his shirt and plaid pajama pants. Then you instruct him for a few minutes, correcting his footing and getting him to move on a beat. You’re pleasantly surprised that he has some rhythm.  

Dean sighs once again. How the hell did we get here? Heat crawls up the back of his neck as embarrassment starts to set in. 

“This is fucking ridiculous,” he grumbles.

“You’re doing good,” you encourage, with a growing smile. “Now come on, feel the beat in threes. One, two, three. One, two, three…”

Once he sort of has the basic steps and turns down, you move to stand in front of him. There you show him how to hold you, how he’ll move forward, and you’ll move back. It takes a little while, but you slowly move through the combinations, then do a little twirl underneath his hand. 

When he pulls you back in without faltering, you give him a beaming smile. “Very good!”

A subtle grin raises his lips at your enthusiasm. He also feels his face heating up at the praise.

But you pause when a certain song filters through the speakers. It’s an old one (and it never fails to make you blush), but you love it.  

“Ooh, yes,” you exclaim with delight, and you turn up the volume.

“What’s this one?” Dean asks.

“Ven Devórame Otra Ves,” you inform him. Not that he knows what that means. You sing along a bit with the first couple of verses while you encourage Dean to lead you in the dance. 

This song is just slow enough for him to attempt it, and the funny thing is, he doesn’t feel all that uncomfortable with the steps now. He’s starting to get a feel for how to move, both with his feet, and with his hands as he guides you by your waist, holding your hand close to his chest. Still, Dean’s also curious about the lyrics you’re singing. 

“What does it mean?” he asks.

You huff in amusement. “You sure you want to know?”

Dean raises a brow. “Well, now I gotta know.” 

You giggle at that, though you correct his steps when he leads with the wrong foot. 

“Okay. It’s about a guy who’s pretty much a player,” you say with a smirk. “His bed has been a revolving door of hot ass, but he keeps thinking about this one woman who used to have him turned inside out…”

Dean’s lips curve at the familiar image you’re conjuring. He manages to turn you under his hand, then pull you back to him in one smooth motion. He looks down at you with a deeper gleam in his eyes. You bite your lip, soothing your hand from his shoulder and down his arm.

As the song’s verses come, you translate for him. And for Dean, your voice in itself is a spell.

“Even in my dreams, he says, I thought I had you devouring me. And I dampened my white sheets remembering you,” you begin. Your words are smooth like black velvet. “In my bed, no one is like you, who draws my body on every corner, without a piece of skin left over.”

Dean is getting hot under the collar as you push away, dragging your fingertips along his back as you turn around him. When you come back into his line of vision, his attention is attracted to the sway of your hips, clad just in those little spandex shorts. He has to clear his throat a bit. 

You eventually return to him with a warm hand against his chest. 

“Ven, devórame otra ves. It means, come devour me again,” you continue, looking up at him from under your lashes, “Come punish me more with your desire. Because I kept my love for you…because my mouth has the taste of your body.” 

You smile at the laser focus of his green-eyed gaze. “Come devour me again.”

You push off with another little spin. When you reach for his hand, Dean yanks you back into him, eliciting a gasp. The move disorients you for a moment, but you giggle and hold onto his arms. Your hands glide up to rest on his shoulders. 

He’s holding you flush against him, and as you shift a thigh between his legs, you unintentionally graze against his hardening length. You look up at him with a smirk.

“You’re a little…stiff,” you say, both flirtatious and teasing. “Let’s loosen you up.”

You shake his shoulders out and try to get him to relax. Dean raises a wry brow, because you know damn well whose fault it is that his body is coiled tight. But you place his hands on your hips as you move back into the dance. 

“Feel what I’m doing there?” you ask. He looks down on you with growing heat.

“If I could do that, we wouldn’t be together,” he rumbles. 

You try to stifle a laugh as he pulls you in close again, just swaying for a bit. Soon enough, you grin knowingly when his hands start to slide lower on your ass. His head bows to yours, ready to meet you with a kiss. 

You stop him with your finger on his lips.

“Question: do you consider yourself more of a tits or ass man?” you ask him. You’re half teasing, but still curious. Dean snorts at the question. 

“More of a connoisseur,” he replies, smirking. 

“Ah.” You nod sagely, and you point between him and yourself. “So this is like a ‘sample the menu’ situation.”

Dean’s smirk deepens. “Sweetheart, you’re a goddamn buffet.”

You splutter laughing…and that’s when he finally pounces. He claims your lips with greedy passion. His hand winds into your hair, gripping tight and ruining what’s left of your loose ponytail. The strands coil around his hand in messy curls while he also gets a healthy grip of your ass through your thin shorts. 

You smile into his lips, even as you acquiesce to him guiding your head to the side, so he can slip his tongue against yours. You grip his arms more for stability while he manhandles you, kneading soft flesh and making pleasant tingles run up your spine. 

After a little while, his mouth burns a hot path away from yours. He noses down your neck, skimming his lips across your skin. It sets your nerve endings on fire and gets you breathing more shallowly in his ear. You cling to the back of his shirt, holding him close. 

Often he’s one to leave love bites of varying degrees, wherever he sees fit. But for a moment he stops at the crook of your neck, just pressing a lingering kiss.

He lets out a deep breath, and you realize he’s probably thinking about where you were bitten. The wound is gone, but it doesn’t change what’s imprinted in both of your minds.  

A softer smile grows on your face. You trail your fingers up into his hair, massaging the back of his neck. 

“I’m okay,” you remind him. Dean hums deep in agreement. You know, however, that he’s still thinking far too much.

So you slide your hands down, slow between the dips and planes of muscle in his back, and rest at his hips. Your thumbs delve under the hem of his shirt and tease the skin there. 

And you start slow, pressing wet, nipping kisses of your own to his neck while you inch his shirt up. You feel his smile on your neck. His grip on your hip flares to life. Still, he lets you tug his shirt up and over his head. Your loose shirt comes next, revealing the same black satin and lace bra you wore the first time he ever got you topless in his arms. 

A fan favorite. Dean grins. He reaches around to go for the clasp, but your firm push on his chest takes him by surprise.

He falls back onto the couch with a grunt, looking up at you then with raised brows. You’ve got a mischievous little smirk on your face that heats his blood and makes his cock twitch.

You take out the rest of your falling ponytail, shaking your hair out wild. Then you let your hands drift down your neck, over your clothed breasts, and finally to your little shorts.

Dean rubs his palms down his thighs and watches. A smirk forms across his lips as you slide the fabric down the curve of your hips. It leaves you in a red thong, familiar to him by the little tear it has on the front. (Again, his fault.)

You climb aboard his strong thighs to straddle his lap, using his shoulders as leverage as you sink down. You make sure to rub yourself teasingly against his clothed erection. He groans in appreciation. His hands fly to your soft, thick thighs and squeeze. 

“Aw, I like this,” Dean says, half on another moan as you grind down a bit harder on him. 

“Yeah?” you tease. You take his face in your hands and capture his lips with your own. Your tongue invades his mouth, and he welcomes you with a deep hum. It’s slow and hot at first, but Dean feels the loss of you when you break from his lips.

Instead, you treat him with the same trail of kisses he gave you, along the curve of his jaw and down his neck. But you don’t stop there.

Your hands move over his chest with purpose, tweaking over each hard nipple while your mouth burns a wet line down and down his sternum. Dean groans at your ministrations, but lets you leave his lap to slide down to the ground, between his thighs. 

“What’re you up to, baby?” he asks, despite having a very good idea of it. He catches the playful, yet determined gleam in your eye. 

You pause, briefly leaning back up to give him a heated kiss. You part from him with a grin. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” you ask. “I’m gonna devour you.”

Dean stares hard at you as goosebumps break out across his forearms. 

Oh, fuck yeah. 

A giggle bubbles in your throat at the expression on his face. But you continue, taking his pants down his legs first, before his boxer briefs. 

Dean’s body tenses in anticipation. You’ve gone down on him before, but somehow it’s different this time. He feels like every single one of his nerve endings stands at attention along with his dick. And you’re taking your sweet time working him up. 

Even when his cock is finally free, you sooth your hands down his legs first, maybe teasing him a bit as you drag your nails down his inner thighs. Dean makes a strained sound, though he tries to hide it by clearing his throat.

Your gaze flicks up to his with a little smile. He’s holding the back of the couch; his fingers are digging into the old cushion in effort to keep still for you. But his eyes stare into yours like a man starving. You know what you’re in for after you have your way with him, but for now, he’s quite literally under your control. 

So you take him in your hands first. Dean groans as you tease him with light touches, soft movements, your thumb slowly circling over the sensitive, weeping head of his cock. It's torturous enough to make him drop his head back against the couch, closing his eyes tight.

And suddenly, he blinks them open again.

“Shit,” he utters, when you finally take him into your mouth. Your tongue is soft and wet, your lips move over him steadily, and your hands caress whatever your mouth can’t take, even teasing his balls. 

You work him over relentlessly, until he can’t help but spill everything he has to give into your waiting mouth. When you suck off and swallow whatever remains, Dean’s heart stutters like syncopated conga drums. 

He shudders and gasps for breath afterwards, watching your every movement—from wiping your mouth to shooting him that satisfied little smirk. 

You press one last kiss to the inside of his thigh before you raise from where you’ve been kneeling on the hard ground. 

Dean manages to lean forward and helps you up by your elbows. But then he pulls you back into his lap and kisses you deeply. He doesn’t let up until you’re panting with him.

“Fuckin’ hell, sweetheart,” he manages to say. His voice is deep and laced with grit. 

He’s still struggling for breath. You giggle and press your warming face into his neck. 

“What, now you’re shy?” he remarks. And he has to laugh. “Come back here.”

He brings your face back to him with a hand on your cheek. For a second, he just looks at you. His thumb strokes across your full, thoroughly kissed bottom lip.  

“Say it,” you encourage softly. “Whatever you’re thinking. Right now.”

A smile tugs at his lips. He can’t help but oblige you. 

“You’re too damn much,” he says again, both gruff and fond. Despite how you drive him up the fucking wall sometimes, he doesn't think it'll ever be enough for him, what he has with you.

Because this is something he'd almost given up on. Didn't think he'd get to have it. And it almost scares him, how much he wants you. How much he...

“I love you,” he says. His thumb traces along the familiar curve of your cheek.

It hasn’t been all that long, but he knows. You weaseled your way in without even trying. The least he can do for you is be honest.

Your fingers curl around his wrist, holding his hand in place. You tilt your head at him.

“Oh, yeah?” you ask. 

Dean hesitates, but he nods. “Yeah.”

A smile grows across your face. “Eh, I’m still on the fence.”

At his flat look, you laugh and lean in for a kiss. He allows it, a little petulantly. But you make up for it with sweet affection. Your gentle hands stroke down the column of his neck, down his chest. You then lean back so he can see your face.

“Yo te amo,” you whisper. “Te amo y te quiero, más que tú puedes creer y entender.”

Dean smiles. He doesn’t understand all of it, but he gets the important bits. He hears it in the tone of your voice. He sees it in your eyes. They shine with emotion, but mainly with love. 

Dean kisses your hand. He lets go, just so he can slip his hands around you to finally unhook your bra. He tosses it across the room without bothering to see where it lands.

You do though, and you meet him with a slightly narrowed gaze. 

“Are you making a mess of my clean bunker?” you tease. 

His lips curve as he kisses you again, while his hands each get a generous handful of your breasts. 

“Ah, hello, ladies." He grins. "Miss me?”

You can’t help but laugh. He’s such a dork sometimes.

But you hum when his thumbs brush over hardened nipples, then drag deliberate circles over them, and pinch just hard enough to make you whimper in pleasure. The sensation zips through you, enhancing the flood between your legs. 

“I fucking love that sound,” Dean mutters, and licks a hot path in the valley between your breasts. His lips move against your dewy skin when he says, “Do that for me again.”

When he takes a nipple in his mouth and nips a bit hard, you have to oblige him. Your voice rising high is music to his ears.  

So he goes for your panties next. You help him get them off and return to his lap. With a breathy moan, you revel at the feeling of his fingers probing into your wet heat.  

However, you and Dean have been too engrossed in one another to notice the door of the bunker unlocking, and heavy steps down the spiral staircase. 

It’s Sam who’s back from his run. Unfortunately, he soon has to shield his eyes upon reaching the living room. 

“Damn it, Dean!”

You yelp in surprise, but Dean laughs and holds you close to shield you from view. As a bonus, it presses your breasts against his chest. 

“All right, Sammy. Go to your room,” he chides playfully (but he means it). “The adults are havin’ a moment.”

Sam scoffs. “You’re having a moment on the goddamn couch!”

“Sorry,” you say, though it’s muffled in Dean’s neck. Your face is red hot with embarrassment. 

Sam rolls his eyes heavenward and tries not to see anything else on his way to his room. 

But Dean’s chuckle reverberates through your chest as his hand goes to your cheek. He encourages you to pull back, so he can see your face again. 

When he does, he smirks at the scarlet blush dusting your cheeks and neck. You bite your lower lip, but despite your embarrassment, you’re happy.

Your own words replay in your mind when you lean in for another kiss.

I love you, you’d said. I love you and I love you, more than you can believe and understand. 

AN: Yay! I hope you enjoyed Part 2 of the “Midnight Espresso”-verse! I loved writing this one so much. I know we're just doing fanfic here, but I genuinely put my heart and soul into this one. ❤️

I have one last two-shot rolling around in my head for these two. It deals with the Chuck storyline of season 15, with a “fix it” to the infamous “ending.” 😉 So let me know if you’re interested in seeing that! 

Also, here are a couple of Spanish translations:

[During their fight]: 

“Que sin vergüenza tú eres, coño. Quieres que yo encienda? Entonces tú vas a ver quien soy yo.”

Translation:

“You’re fucking shameless. Want me to fire it up? Then you’re going to see who I am (Essentially means fuck around and find out what I'm made of).”

[Song lyrics: “Yo No Se Mañana” by Luis Enrique]: 

“Yo no se mañana…yo no se mañana. Si estaremos juntos, si se acaba el mundo.”

Translation:

“I don’t know tomorrow. I don’t know tomorrow. If we’ll be together, if the world will end.”

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