#healinghuntress

[thesecrethunt]

Finally have an appointment to get my adhd meds adjusted today. Might have to double them. They’re not really doing much for me

[thesecrethunt]

Talked to some other coworkers about ADHD. I have a coworker who mentioned he went through the same thing when he had to get on medication for the job. It felt really good to talk to someone who has been through it and understands what I'm going through. I'm not alone.

I feel better.

[thesecrethunt]

Caffeine addiction has gotten so bad my coworkers pull me aside to talk about it 🥲 my work friend has banned me from buying redbull on the clock.

[thesecrethunt]

i think i'm going to be okay.

[thesecrethunt]

Earlier in the week, I did a cord cutting ritual on [redacted] and [redacted]’s ex. And after some reflecting and soul searching, I think the lessons I learned to take away from it is to never place another’s healing journey over my own. This morning, this was my spread during my devotions. I think it tracks.

Took the day off work to have some time to lick my wounds and rest. I couldn’t think with both the rigors of work and all of this emotional fog on my mind. I needed quiet and stillness.

4 is a recurring number that keeps turning up in my readings. I think today is for meditation.

[thesecrethunt]

Anyone else who ever comes to me about this shit again is getting blocked. It’s over. I’m ending it now. You will leave me to my peace or you will be cut off like a festering limb.

Don’t come to me for help, don’t come to me for validation, don’t mention any of their names to me.

Don’t come to me for details or to “hear both sides.” All you will get is blocked.

Leave me alone.

I regret ever meeting any of those people. I regret any association. I regret everything.

I should have stayed alone. I want to be alone again.

[thesecrethunt]

She blocked me. It’s for the best. I know it’s mean to say but I’m relieved to be rid of this. Before she ever jumped in my dms, telling an absolute stranger graphic details of sexual assault, unprompted, in the first few seconds of meeting her… I was fine. I was healing. I was moving on.

She came into my life, disturbed my peace, and I went back into that fire just to defend her. Only for her to go back and lay down with that very same predator.

Then come to me so nonchalant in my dms telling me she did so and dumped him again just because she “needed him to ruin the last chance she gave him so she could get over him faster”.

No.

You don’t just get to dump all that on me, have me defend you, let me destroy my peace and undo my own healing, and then think you can just turn around and lay down with that predator, then come back like it was okay.

We all made our choices. I chose to defend you. To try to help. To support you. I chose to put myself on the line for you. You made your choice and chose your abuser.

Now I’m choosing again. I choose my sanity and my peace by letting you go.

I wish you success on your own healing journey. But, it’s a journey you now have to make without me.

Now, get the fuck out of my life.

[thesecrethunt]

I just want to get lost in a gloomy forest for a while. Leave everything behind and feel the chilly, moist air, smell the forest, feel the moss under my feet.

[thesecrethunt]

I think I need to block her. Maybe this is what I needed for it to finally end. Just… a breaking point.

[thesecrethunt]

[redacted]’s ex talked to me again. She told me she went back to him. After she told me about all the sexual abuse he put her through. After all the pain and ptsd I put myself through defending her and trying to help her.

Just for her to go back. And sleep with him again. He was a manipulative piece of shit again. Went right back to his abusive ways before she left… again.

It wasn’t her fault. I know victims of abuse often go back. But I let her know I put myself through a lot of pain, put aside my healing, to defend her. Burned so many bridges. Burned myself. Just… so she could go back… and lay down with him again.

I told her I needed space. I told her I was exhausted. I told her it’s for the best that we never revisit this again.

I told her I can’t help her anymore. I’m not strong enough. I can’t want better for you than you want for yourself.

This is my thanks. For all the pain I was just put through. This is what I get. Made a complete fool. After all of the shit I put myself through…

I don’t know what lesson I’m meant to take from this… but the only one that’s sticking is that no good deed goes unpunished.

It was all for nothing.

This is the last time I ever go out of my way to help someone. It’s not worth it.

[thesecrethunt]

Feeling a lot better since cutting off my ex-friend. Now I have a hammer and everything looks like a nail. The more I look around the less I trust anyone I gained from that old circle. I wonder if cutting off everyone without discrimination would help. Maybe I have to cut off the good with the bad to feel better. Tired of waiting for something or someone to ruin my healing and my peace. Cutting them all would eliminate that possibility. Then it would truly be over.

[thesecrethunt]

Cut another ex-friend off last weekend. Very glad I did. He was an emotional vampire. If he’s not ranting about constant drama in his life, or talking mad shit about someone, or victimizing himself, he would go out of his way to find threads that make him mad on Twitter and link it in the group chat so he could rant about it.

Last weekend he did it again: Something about Billie Eilish saying something about body shaming. I don’t remember what was said, I only remember it being really stupid.

He went on this entire rant about how she was a stupid bitch and a spoiled brat and other lowkey misogynistic stuff.

I told him he was being unreasonably angry and that he should stop interacting with Twitter outrage porn.

He started cussing me out and giving me all of this shit about how I was “invalidating him and gaslighting” him and “clearly been holding this in for a while”. 🙄 I was so done and exhausted by him at that point. While he was sending me 5 paragraph long rants full of cussing and self pity to my two sentence responses, I didn’t even read all of it. It was just nothing but spite and nastiness and uncalled for insults. I just sat back and was thinking to myself like “Do I even like being around this asshole anymore? When was the last time he added to my peace instead of take away from it? I have been nothing but kind to him, but he seems perfectly comfortable throwing all this shit at my feet.”

I just let him cry and shit himself in the chat until he was done. Then, I just told him “You know what? You’re right. I completely invalidated your feelings, and I’m sorry. But the last time someone tried to mischaracterize me as some manipulative, hateful harpy, it ended up pretty terribly for me. So, it’s been nice, but I need to protect my peace.”

Then I cut him off and blocked him.

It was clear by the way he was so comfortable spitting all that vitriol my way that he didn’t think I would cut him off like nothing. People are always shocked when I leave them where they disrespected me the first time. You show me single a red flag and I will show you the door.

He was one of those “everybody always leaves me” people too. Draining to be around.

I have felt nothing but relief after leaving him behind.

The funny thing was, this happened literally a couple days after I began a weekend-long spell ritual for spiritual growth and healing.

Guess he wasn’t conductive to my growth 🤷🏽‍♀️

I got a video on my fyp the next day that said

“When you choose peace, it comes with a lot of goodbyes.”

He was one of the last from that friend group I left because of [redacted]. And I lowkey knew I would eventually have to let him go. He was seeing therapy so I was hoping he would start being better about it, but the second he turned that nastiness and anger toward me, I was done lmao. Because staying after that just teaches them that they can disrespect and say anything they want to you, and fear no consequence.

I genuinely hope all the vitriol he spewed over a Twitter thread was worth my friendship. Because that was what it cost him. And given he’s been losing friends left and right over shit like this, I hope he will learn from it.

But it’s more likely he won’t. He will just play victim like he always does.

[thesecrethunt]

[redacted]'s ex ended up telling him off. He confessed to what he did to Group Lead and made an apology video. Group Lead gave me a personal apology. A shitty corporate PR apology but an apology. I let her have it and told her every way she failed me. I didn't trust that it was genuine at the time. Something told me it wasn't. I was proven right. She kicked him out of the Group but not out of the Discord. I sent her a message telling her off and calling her out for being a shitty leader and giving a hollow apology, then blocked her. She remains friends with [redacted] despite him being a predator. [Redacted] deleted his apology video after less than a week (predictably). No lessons were learned. He was protected. I blocked everyone. I'm done with this and those evil fucking people. I need this to be the end of it. I need to heal. But everytime I burn a bridge, a new one seems to grow in its place. I regret meeting any of those people. I regret ever letting them in my life. Get out. Leave me alone.

[thesecrethunt]

Went out with work friends yesterday, explored the forest, had ramen and drinks, laughed a lot. Feeling good.

[thesecrethunt]

A few weeks back, I performed a Return to Sender and a Banishment spell on [redacted]. Now word down the grapevine is he’s been increasingly hostile since I blocked him he’s on his shit again. In a voice call, a bunch of members were wondering why Group Leader never does anything about [redacted] and people are beginning to look at her sideways. Friend From Old Group confirmed some more things to me that revealed [redacted] to be a compulsive liar when it comes to basically every female friend he has ever had. Saying things like they all had crushes on him and wanted him when the reality was he was on the same incel shit and got cut off by them. That didn’t go over too great with me. A delusional, lying incel. Pick a goddamn struggle.

I decided to give it a little nudge in the right direction and perform a Reveal True Colors spell in addition to another Banishment and Protection spell. Let’s see what happens.

[thesecrethunt]

Having a ton of fun in Washington with my bf and I’m starting to feel like myself again 😌