#and lead to a funnier situation

[potatopassenger]

Inspired by this post

[britcision]

Dungeon Meshi omegaverse headcanons because I can

1) the different human folks have different versions and different degrees but we’re gonna focus on the elves because I want to

2) afab alphas and amab omegas are just a thing that happens, it’s pretty normal and not considered worth commenting on unless you’re really insular, so while there are some sexist stereotypes (like that afab alphas are more attentive parents, although not as good as any omega) it’s not on the “male omega bad” side

It’s about 20% of the alpha/omega population (and betas make up about 60% of the human population so 8% of people total), so not hugely common but way more common than red hair and only a little less than being left handed

Some amab omegas can carry children (especially with magical assistance) and it’s actually a little easier for afab alphas to sire children, since that’s a one time output rather than a prolonged physical process

You also get things like secondary sex homosexuality (alpha-for-alpha gay, ditto omegas) which are basically ignored anyway unless someone’s fussing about bloodlines, and difficult cases like alpha-presenting-omega; an omega who reads like an alpha in scent and all other aspects except when they’re on heat

That’s hard to detect before the cycle actually starts and causes rampant excitement every time, but since alphas being with other alphas isn’t considered noteworthy except in high society, it’s also only a problem around the cycle

3) just like they don’t have sexual dimorphism, there’s no visible external differences between elves in secondary sex either

They’re more about magic than physical force, so you might be able to tell the difference based on their magical specialties (that’s how elves claim they do it but it’s bullshit they are lying)

This often confuses other folks who do; tallmen alphas are physically larger and more muscular (Falin’s an alpha) and omegas are smaller and slimmer, but all the elves are small and slim so tallmen often think they’re all omegas this is not helped by

4) almost all the Canaries are omegas; service is a doubly beneficial arrangement for noble families, who offer their children to show their loyalty just like canon… and to keep inconvenient extra bloodlines from cropping up if those extra omegas have kids

All of the wardens are omegas (except possibly Flamela; this is actually another reason why she’s not allowed into dangerous dungeons) and most of the prisoners are too, although occasionally alphas are allowed to serve

This is not considered a risk because while alphas are more aggressive, elves also consider them less capable leaders since they’re more likely to lose their heads and act rashly when riled up (like when Izutsumi was a kobold from the changelings and had to be stopped from fighting til she died) and just generally less capable, so an alpha convict with their magic bound isn’t considered a serious threat to a capable omega warden

Alphas also don’t necessarily fight to the death, since there’s all the posturing and fighting for position

Elf omegas, on the other hand, will tear your fucking throat out at the first sign of violence because if a fight gets to them it needs to be ended immediately to protect the babies

They have absolutely weaponized this against the demon and the dungeons by intentionally putting their omegas in combat situations

Alpha prisoners are usually only assigned to a single warden for the duration of their service, because they tend to get overprotective of their omega squad-mates and don’t handle personnel shifts well

5) The wardens get sterilized as part of their training, the prisoners are required to be on birth control for the duration of their service but can also request sterilization - birth control’s usually by magical implant so it’s not a huge inconvenience but listen if you want that ute yote it’s yoten

6) Heat cycles absolutely do sync up between themselves and with rut cycles, and the squads get mandatory downtime for a month on either side; luckily they’re elves so they’re on multi-annual cycles rather than seasonal

(Elves who find out how often short-lived omegas go into heat tend to react with shock and sympathy and an immediate “ooooh this is why you die so early”)

(More than one squad have accidentally maimed their alpha if they have a surprise heat)

How a squad handles group heat is up to them, suppressants are part of the basic gear, as are knotting toys, and there’s a whole industry of “heat hotels” where any human single omegas can go to ride out a heat safely either alone with toys or with vetted beta staff (on birth control) of their choosing - the Canaries semi-regularly take them over and occasionally incite orgies because while the heat demands a knot what elves accept as dominance is magical power, not position, so the strongest arcanist in a squad usually reads as an “alpha” to other humans despite their actual sexes

And since there’s no actual rules that omegas can’t hook up for a cycle at the heat house, so long as everyone arrives and agrees before they go into heat it’s a “the more the merrier” situation

They also sync up between different types of humans, but elves sync very slowly and have such long cycles almost no one notices

For no godly reason gnomes sync the fastest but they have relatively mild cycles and don’t seem to mind

Fuck it cycle table:

Dwarves - 6 month cycle - 1 week rut/heat

Elves - 2-3 year cycle - 2 weeks rut/heat

Gnomes - 4 month cycle - 5 days rut/heat

Half-foots(feet?) - 2 month cycle - 3 days rut/heat

Oni - 2 month cycle - 5 days rut/heat

Tall-men - 2 month cycle - 5-7 days rut/heat

7) Mithrun’s squad are extra goddamn protective of him because his cycle also got broken and doesn’t sync properly, but he deadass will not notice when he’s on heat and just continues as usual, while radiating pheromones. He also will not take suppressants any more than he’ll drink or eat

Luckily he also almost never actually goes onto heat, so he just vibes and trains while everyone else is on their heat break and occasionally gets impatient and starts bar fights

Lycion’s been a permanent squad member despite not being an alpha (he’s a beta but the werewolf gets a knot anyway sooooo he’s busy on heat breaks) because he can smell when Mithrun’s going onto heat ahead of time, way before anyone else can

Mithrun’s gone into heat twice since rejoining the Canaries. Cithis, Otta, and Fleki bitch about this constantly with varying degrees of envy, right up until the next time it happens out of the blue and they have to drag his dumb ass out of a dungeon because literally no one was prepared

Otta’s not even an omega she’s a beta too so she uses their heat breaks to flirt with half-foot women which is why she has enough time to date despite being a convict death squad member

(And yeah she’ll “help out” any half-foot lady omegas if they’re not actually already in heat when they arrive at a house the squad’s taken over and can hold a conversation first cuz while technically everyone else can still go through their heat alone and ignore the elves…

Well they’re loud, they’re expansive, Fleki is allergic to personal space, even in heat Cithis has enough top energy to dominate a city block, and Lycion only has one knot and will occasionally need to sleep - more than the heated omegas. They like sharing and there are no consequences provided the hotel has a room big enough)

Fleki will absolutely still use her familiar while she’s on heat and she will not remember to tell anyone she’s doing it, but since she basically just flies away until the next wave demands she get fucked again it’s not all that different from taking a nap from anyone else’s perspective

(Flying in heat is nowhere near as good as flying on shrooms but it does still beat reality)

(Everyone. Everyone has asked her if she’s fucked in the bird. Absolutely everyone. And she never specifies but makes absolutely filthy and biologically unlikely insinuations.

She absolutely did try it once. And since her familiar has genitals at her own discretion, and didn’t google bird genitals before hand, results were Mid)

Cithis has been denied access - or have had people attempt to deny her access anyway - to more than one heat house because absolutely no one who is not an elf believes she’s not an alpha without proof

All the elves have Elf Twink Disease so their alphas aren’t buff and macho anyway and everyone knows it, so her sheer Step On Me Please energy has gotten the whole squad into trouble

(She blatantly refuses to do anything about this and will often make the situation worse for fun or profit until Mithrun tells her to stop)

8) half elves like Marcille have the extremely exciting and unfortunate bonus of potentially being crosses in secondary sex too, just like the non-linear aging - something about the long-lived/shorter-lived magic combo and the elves’ own permutations in particular mean that other human-alpha and elf-beta/omega sometimes happen on the same gene, and other human-omega and elf-beta/alpha is also more likely than elf-alpha and other human-alpha coming together

Some half elves get lucky and get double beta, Marcille did not and got beta-omega (which is at least easier than alpha-omega, the rarest combo but hey if you’re flexible or magically inclined with that one you can kinda just go fuck yourself)

This is why she gets super over-protective of the people she cares about (see: get back in the kitchen while I take over the world), but doesn’t really have any kind of self preservation instincts or a desire not to run face first into danger and explode it

She’s never had a heat cycle and if she’s lucky she might never get one, so long as the beta side stays dominant

But Falin’s an alpha and possibly the person who activated Marcille’s omega side to get that over-protectiveness in the first place, so if (when) they do mate Marcille is gonna learn some fun and exciting things about her body

(Toshiro’s an omega, but his family insisted on raising him like an alpha anyway because Oldest Son. Falin was the one to actually tell him he was an omega, because Maizuru was ordered not to

This is part of why he’s so incredibly jealous of Laios, who is an actual alpha as well as autistic as hell, so Shuro’s not only jealous of his complete disregard for social rules, he’s also exceedingly jealous that all of the “alpha” stuff he has to work incredibly hard to fake comes to Laios completely naturally

Laios had no idea Shuro was an omega at all (possibly Nakamoto family scent blockers, possibly Laios Not Paying Attention) and has actually been idolizing Shuro as the Manliest Best Alpha To Ever Alpha - like all them flashbacks of Shuro standing between downed Laios and danger

Maybe Laios doesn’t find out until after Falin’s revived successfully. It blows his mind. Toshiro weeps in frustration.)

9) fuck it it’s official, alpha Flamela, that’s why her twin was taken (twin was an omega, elves still think alphas are too impulsive and hot headed to rule) and Flamela wasn’t stopped from running off to join the Canaries

They did try to skip the sterilizing step with her, cuz while the coal black skin definitively doesn’t reliably pass from parent to child there’s still a chance her kids would have better odds of inheriting it

Flamela lost her shit when she found out she was being treated differently from other wardens (doing other elven alphas absolutely no favours about that “too impulsive” thing because she genuinely didn’t even notice that what was happening was that she wasn’t being given invasive and permanently life altering often nonconsensual surgery) and threatened to do it to herself if they wouldn’t do her

Someone suggested they fake it, put her under, make the cut, leave everything alone so she just got a scar, someone else pointed out she might be slightly less knife happy afterwards, the smartest person in the room pointed out she would be Exceedingly Fucking Knife Happy if she ever found out and possibly kill them all

She was sterilised at her own insistence but her genetic materials (eggs and sperm why not) were stored rather than discarded in case she changes her mind

This has also alienated her from the other wardens because not only is she the only one who actually volunteered to be a Canary, she volunteered for the whole thing and genuinely doesn’t get why any of them are unhappy about it

Rut isn’t all that fun and she doesn’t think heat sounds good either, since her default position with people is distrust and keeping them at arm’s length, so she always rides hers out alone and assumes others will too - but both sound way way way better to her than having to carry or raise a child

She’s not cruel or aggressive about it but she’s about as tactful as a rhinoceros and just gets loudly confused, so it’s not worth trying to confide in her or bond over the extra level of being discarded by their families

(And since she hates gossip and will aggressively curtail it, she only finds out what anyone else on her squad does for heat if she actually has to help arrange it)

She was so offended to find out she’d still have rut cycles after surgery. The one thing absolutely every other warden can agree with her on

Most elf alphas are actually significantly more level headed and stable than Flamela, she still has her entirely independent emotional baggage but she is what all the elven stereotypes say an alpha is

There’s some real world racist bs about Black women and especially darker skinned Black women being less feminine, but it’s bullshit and fuck that it’s illegal here, alpha women are just a thing that happens and it has nothing to do with gender

Flamela’s not especially feminine either by elf standards, but that’s her decision and she is beauty, she is grace, she will stab you in the face and you’d deserve it if you commented

10) communication pixies are affected by their maker’s heat, but not by getting anything similar themselves; it’s an intentional part of the spell, the pixie gets all sleepy and “drunk” and will not connect any calls without a specific code word, because absolutely no one wanted heat-sex pixie butt dials

This isn’t just an elf thing but it is in the elf-magic version of the spell; if you make a pixie with gnome-magic instead there’s a 75% chance it will also go dozy during your heat buuuuut a 25% chance it just keeps going as normal

General consensus is that the ephemeral will of magic either can’t tell when humans go into heat or considers the occasional magic butt dial necessary to the balance of the universe

A lot of older gnomes just plain don’t care about any of it and think it’s a bit funny when anyone else makes such a big fuss, since it’s just another part of life

(If Falin ever makes a pixie you KNOW it stays active during her rut you KNOW Marcille gets a butt dial dear gods is this how the Farcille confession happens in this AU)

11) orcs and kobolds don’t actually have secondary sexes by dint of not being human (wrong number of bones) and tend to consider the whole thing a little weird, but not their problem

Some orcs suspect the whole alpha-omega thing is why humans get violently territorial for basically no reason, and the sympathetic ones tend to be very gentle with someone once they learn they’re an alpha or omega

Big “oh you poor thing that sounds so difficult, let’s make sure you don’t get over excited” energy

———

I’ll add more later if I come up with anything else, but by all means hop into my sand box and play with anything you like!

A bunch of other characters and their alignments in no particular order:

Kabru - beta, but one of his only decent spells is to fake either alpha or omega pheromones at will. He’ll play any of the roles to get what he wants and what he thinks will serve him best

(He almost always plays omega with elves because 1) they don’t respect alphas the way most other humans do and 2) they’re gonna read him as a child anyway, so having specific “adult” pheromones might occasionally sway them to respect him a little more, but they’re also more likely to subconsciously protect him

He tried alpha on Mithrun when they were alone in the dungeon for all of 15 minutes before determining Mithrun couldn’t tell the difference

(Mithrun could he just doesn’t care))

Namari - alpha, works well with usually being the party tank, but as a dwarf her instincts are more “provide for needs” than “fight off enemies” which is why she loves armour and wants other people to wear it

Senshi - omega, he’s going to see the babies fed by any means necessary (but yeah it’s part of why his mining crew didn’t let him fight the griffin, he hadn’t fully hit his second puberty but they Had Suspicions)

However, since he lived alone most of his life (and was surrounded by alphas before that) he presents almost entirely as an alpha, and unless he hits heat no non-dwarfs will ever notice he isn’t

There’s not a huge difference between dwarf alpha, beta, and omegas anyway, but the alphas tend more towards crafts and making or procuring physical items to see to their loved ones’ needs while the omegas are more focused on acts of service

(Physically they’re just all Like That, like the elves)

Every dwarf who has ever met Senshi clocked him as an alpha in the first five minutes, and clocked him equally hard as an omega ten minutes later and had some mild cognitive dissonance. None of them mention it because that’s Rude

Izutsumi - alpha cat, hates you all

Chilchuck - tallest skinniest half foot omega you ever did see. Has adopted his entire union since he doesn’t see his girls anymore. His wife was a beta and the only reason she got them in the “divorce” was the girls had already moved out

(She moved in with Puckpatti)

Chilchuck is constantly low-grade losing his shit about it

Maizuru - omega, deeply dislikes how Toshiro’s father has treated him and does genuinely believe deep down that an omega like Toshiro might be a better leader specifically because he’s more empathic and considerate than their society’s demanded alpha behaviour

She will be miffed to be told the elves agree with her though

Rin - beta, accidentally presents as an omega because she picked it up in self defence while living with the elves. She does not like it but she does tend to keep herself closed off, avoid skin contact, and comes off as trying too hard not to seem meek, so people with opinions on strangers’ sexes assume she’s an omega who escaped a bad situation

(They’re not fully wrong, she hates that they’re not)

Kaka and Kiki - Kaka’s an omega, Kiki’s a beta but she intentionally presents as an alpha to keep anyone from noticing or saying shit about her brother

If she’s loud and noticeable, they won’t wonder why he’s shyer and quiet

(Kaka 1000% imprinted on Namari the first time she saved his life she is his big strong alpha he is a helpless fucking puppy so even though he’s self conscious about his height he can’t help wanting her to like his legs

Unfortunately for him Namari’s gay as hell and Kiki’s extremely into her as well and he wants his twin to be happy so he’ll be pining forever and make do with a familial alpha bond)

(Namari will never know she coulda had her pick)

Mikbell - beta cuck and a scab

Holm - the only actual alpha on Kabru’s team, has definitely noticed him switching up the pheromones and he mostly doesn’t care, he thinks that secondary-sex-fluidity is actually a really good quality in a leader (it shows he respects all of them and acknowledges the strengths they all have)

But when it comes to his sister Nope Nope Nope buster don’t you dare seduce her with some mocked up alpha juice

His sister is also an alpha but she’s alpha-for-alpha gay and gender bisexual and he’s not having it

Daya - omega, but prefers to present as an alpha because she’s actually just not that comfortable with the stereotypical omega “role”

(Again for dwarves, it’s mostly “will do caretaking” over “will procure necessary items”, but her birth clan were heavy traditionalists who considered an omega’s primary job to be “be pregnant” so she’s tossed the whole situation)

(Her partner is an alpha and oh boy did he have to work to prove he was nothing like the boys back home. He’s fully happy to be the caretaker while she brings home the bacon and she loves him for that

Most dwarves will assume he’s the omega unless told otherwise, and they’re both very comfortable with that on the extremely rare occasion that it comes up since Island dwarves usually don’t care anyway)

Kuro - kobold, not his problem, but oh boy he’s adopted Mikbell as his puppy and is gonna do his best taking care of this man

He’s fully aware Mik’s a mature adult (despite how often he pretends to be a kid to fuck with people), he can smell his pheromones, he just believes Mikbell needs a father or at least older brother figure to guide him more than just a buddy

(He and Kabru also suspect Mik might be into non sexual (probably?) age play, since he claims he acts like a kid to fuck over assholes who assume half-foots can’t be real adults, but he does it A Lot and with joy and fervour)

(Mikbell can never learn this)

Grandpa Tansu - cranky lil alpha gnome

Granny Floke - also a lil alpha gnome, they’re also alpha-for-alpha gay, but she likes watching her husband get all loud and up in arms so she doesn’t bother getting involved much

(Full Madame Giry from the good Phantom of the Opera productions, she only has to say one word to put her foot down but she actually is a nice smiling little old lady… which makes it scarier when she does it)

Tade - alpha oni, but in oni omegas and afabs are actually much bigger so she’s still pretty small for an oni (bigger than amab alphas though)

This does tend to confuse pretty much everyone else but those little buggers come out BIG and HORNED and it’s just better all around to have more space for the lil niblets

This is why Marcille’s oni form was head and shoulders too big to be seen standing next to her party she’d’ve been around a foot and a half taller than Tade because I said so

Thistle - oh the saddest most broken lil elf omega, he was in a bad way before Delgal’s dad died and then when Delgal did the “only you can save us we’re all gonna die” Thistle reverse-pioneered the Canaries by going into omega-murder-mode so hard he dungeoned an entire kingdom

And since there was not a single alpha older than him anywhere to be found he just never got to turn that off (if only someone scruffed the little bastard idk if that’s an omegaverse thing but the imagery is peak)

Imma headcanon he never actually had a cycle by dint of not finishing elf-puberty before he went Kingdom In A Bottle and stopped aging but honestly any flavour of fuckery and whenever you think he stopped aging is all good

(Since not only was Yaad born post dungeon, he grew to young adulthood and other people did age, they just didn’t die, so aging was for sure happening for like 20 years post dive)

Winged Lion - the alpha and the omega solely for the joke

If you can think of anyone else or if you have any questions lemme know and I’ll spin something off the dome for ya! (This totally wasn’t prompted by me nearly having the first full chapter of. Something. Ready to go. 👀)

If anyone else wants to chop and screw with any bits of this for any reason go wild and all I ask is a tag in because I like free candy as much as anyone else. Despite Farcille commentary it’s technically ship agnostic because honestly that’s the least interesting part of an omegaverse AU for me I’m here to get weird with sex and gender roles and cultural variance

I haven’t actually played in this sand pit much before so we can all thank/blame Omega Jason Todd week for finally tipping my interest over by giving me new levels of fuckery, we stan a 6’ omega built like a tank

[lizhly-writes]

JMX BODYSWAP?! GASP

yeah so i was thinking about some old files and ended up musing over a "rebirth of the evil-mother-in-law" transmigrator snippet i wrote at one point. failing to find it, i figured i would sit down and write maybe 300 words about it to excise it from my brain.

the "og fl" is a character named "jiang yage", so i spent maybe two minutes contemplating character names for the original transmigrator ("surnamed jiang? these sorts of characters usually share at least a part of their name with the 'og'") before i abruptly realized i already had a character surnamed jiang and i had the chance to do the funniest thing.

[f0ofishies]

ᯓ★ Tutoring With Armin ⭑.ᐟ

nerd!armin realizing you need some help in that biology class you both decided to attend. He'll look at you, those ocean eyes gazing as you struggled on a test.

nerd!armin hearing you complaining to your friends how you flunk out that test. Your whining being heard throughout the hallways, a bit melodramatic in his opinion.

nerd!armin, who looked into your eyes when they sparkled right after he gave his contact number to you. Offering a two tutoring session with you for the next chapter for your biology class.

nerd!armin, who agreed to meet you up in the library. The way you thanked him multiple times on being free on a damn saturday night.. yeah.. he was atleast understanding with you.

nerd!armin, who you end unfortunately getting lucky. The library was closed at the weekends. Small curses from your end, as you told him, to cancel this whole tutoring session for today.

nerd!armin being kind enough to let you study in his dormitory, knowing full well the consequences if he got caught having someone in his dorms past late hours, which could cause a whole rumor.

nerd!armin giving you his notes from his leathered notebook, you could tell he used a hefty amount of money– making it even more funnier how he would take his class seriously.

nerd!armin's hand brushing against yours, not noticing the way his heart skips a beat. He never had anyone in his personal sanctuary before, let alone someone who'd he tutor.. he was a nice guy, definetly being nice.

nerd!armin, who's getting his living soul sucked off so badly on the bed. His pale palm, gripping at your hair, tugging on the loose strands. The way your tongue immediately flattened on his pink dick.

nerd!armin looking down as you pulled your cum stained mouth away to jerk put his orgasm again. "Told you, 'min a hands-on activity was a good idea?" You cooed as he let out another loud groan.

nerd!armin, who cums a massive load staining your loose shirt and even on your face! "Sorry– sorry..!" He huffed out long apologies, hearing your laughter under him. You gave a small peck to his puckering tip oozing out a bit more load. "wanna know what the other lips can do?"

nerd!armin , who is also a virgin, and that was his real experience of someone sucking him off. You were beamed that you were his first ever. As some of his load trailed down your throat, he unexpectedly reached out to wipe away but squeezed it a bit. It earned a stifled moan in you.

nerd!armin, that's trying his best to keep up with your thrusts.. your ass hitting back onto his pelvis. Hips rolling and everything as he moans out your name– he's really going to cum inside if you don't stop..! He ended up gripping your hips to try and slow you down, it failed miserably.

nerd!armin crying at you, screaming out apologies as he accidentally unpack his load all over inside you. It's oozing out lewdly, he liked it– of course he did, but he didn't want you uncomfortable at all.

nerd!armin, who now takes the lead in this fucked up situation you both made. He thrusts into you once again, not caring if the librarians or passerbys can listen. One hand on your throat, the other at the your hips.

"Keep your legs up f'me.. shiitt.. mm just like that bunny.. keep bouncing on–uh it.. yesyesyes.. so close.."

[yurinaa-world]

"𝐼'𝓂 𝒩𝑜𝓉 𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒟𝓇𝓊𝓃𝓀"

💫𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓇𝒶𝒸𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓈: Moze, Jing Yuan, Jiaoqiu, & Sunday x Gender-neutral reader

💫𝒮𝓎𝓃𝑜𝓅𝓈𝒾𝓈: not recognizing them while drunk

💫𝒲𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈: Fluff, Alcohol, Spelling mistakes

𝑀𝑜𝓏𝑒 “𝒮𝒽𝒶𝒹𝑜𝓌 𝒢𝓊𝒶𝓇𝒹 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒳𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓏𝒽𝑜𝓊 𝒴𝒶𝑜𝓆𝒾𝓃𝑔”

“Enough drinking for you.” Taking the shot glass from your hand—it filled to the brim with hard liquor and it was obvious that if you kept on drinking at this pace, you were going to have the worst hangover in the morning—“Excuse me, who do you think you are—“ you slurred out, annoyed by him.

he takes your hand and tries to take it away, leading to you snatching your arm back. “How dare you touch me! I have a husband,"

“I’m your husband.” He just sighs at your drunkenness, he really should have prevented this. “Please, I know what my husband looks like, he’s not as ugly looking as you.” Wow, he's ugly to you now?  His eyes can’t help but twitch.

He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, deciding just to play along and use this to his advantage. “Do you even know where your husband is?” Like clockwork, you just start looking around, head sharply turning side to side.

No husband in sight. Stranger in front of you. And No way to get your husband.

“Well…” you just start to panic. that’s his qui, again grabbing you but this time deciding to put you over his shoulder, with your complaints completely ignored, “I know your husband, I’ll take you to him.”

𝒥𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒴𝓊𝒶𝓃 "𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒢𝑒𝓃𝑒𝓇𝒶𝓁 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒳𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓏𝒽𝑜𝓊 𝒞𝓁𝑜𝓊𝒹 𝒦𝓃𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈"

Mind hazy and incoherent for any sober thought, staring at the little table blankly, taking the little shot glass to your lips, the more you drink the funnier it gets. 

“Seems like all that drinking has caught up to you, dear.”

Your half-lidded eyes finally looked up to take in Jing yuan in front of you, yet for how drunk you are you haven’t even realized it was Jing yuan, in your eyes it was only just a creepy man. 

“I have a husband, and I’m not your dear.” You slur at him, going to pour yourself another drink, yet he takes the bottle from you before you can even grab it.

“Your husband? He doesn’t have to know.”

“Do you even know who my husband is?”

“Hmm? Who is your husband?” Now he’s just messing with you. Glaring at him with a smirk on your drunk face, “He’s the handsome general, of course, you couldn’t stand a chance.”

“He isn’t with you right now, is he? He wouldn’t have to know about us.” He puts down the bottle in your hand and his hand goes to intertwine yours.

“He doesn’t have to know because I’m not giving you a chance!” You rip your hand away from his grasp, “Wait until Jing Yuanhears about this.” you mutter under your breath while going to grab your phone to call him—he already knows where it's going to end.

“Tell him in great detail about my shameless actions.”

“I will!”

𝒥𝒾𝒶𝑜𝓆𝒾𝓊 "𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝒶𝓁𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒳𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓏𝒽𝑜𝓊 𝒴𝒶𝑜𝓆𝒾𝓃𝑔"

“My husband wouldn’t like it if you touched my waist like that.”

Sputtering while Jiaoqiu has you lying your head against his shoulder with his arm around your waist to keep you upright. 

He’s taking care of you! Honestly, without him, he already knows that you’re going to wake up with a killer headache because you thought it was such a good idea to drink till you can’t even recognize his face or voice.

“Your husband wouldn’t want you to be sick because of all of your drinking.” Gently put a glass of water in your hands, Ensure you don’t drop it on yourself or anywhere else. 

“Well….I guess you're right but are you sure my husband will be fine with this? I don’t want him to be jealous.” 

Still so cute, how can he not take advantage of this situation to have some fun and mess with you a little, you’ll be so embarrassed when you’re sober and he’s planning to soak up everything.

“You must love your husband that much to be worrying over what he might think.”

“Of course I do! He’s very hardworking and is good at helping, not to mention he’s very handsome…” you start to gush over him, going off about every detail you like about him, his hair to the small things he does for you.

“So many things you like about him? I’m quite jealous of you.”

“You better be! He’s my husband, and no one else will have him.”

𝒮𝓊𝓃𝒹𝒶𝓎 "𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒪𝒶𝓀 𝐹𝒶𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓎"

“I miss my Sunday...”

You’ve been whining in his ear about how you miss ‘Sunday’ for a while now, yet too intoxicated to even realize that it was Sunday you were clinging onto.

“Dear—“

“I told you not to call me that! I’ll make sure Sunday has your head for being a creep! You know what to call him right now!”

You whine yet here you are clinging onto him, and then switching up by telling him orders that he can’t follow because of your intense grip on him.

He really shouldn’t have left you alone with the consequence of you getting very drunk. The quick changes of your emotions just makes Sunday unsure of what to do with you.

Pressing the side of face against his chest, before silently sulking? “What’s the matter? Why are you sulking?” He worried, patting your head as if you were a child. “I just realized that you probably don’t know where he is since he’s always so busy…”

“How about I take care of you first, and then we find your husband.”

if you liked this, consider tipping me on ko-fi! it'd mean a lot!

[blushingdread]

Knowing how the construct and Princess works makes playing the game a fun game of trying to figure out which voice did what to do this

The Razor route becomes even funnier because you're just watching Cheated stack the deck against himself. Like congratulations, you played yourself

Skeptic gets your ass trapped by fucking with the chain on the other side of Prisoner, which was ment to hold her other hand aka the Long Quiet, and THEN he gets you OUT by nitpicking about how the cabin should be changing if time is passing plus not thinking about how our not starving doesnt make sense!! Task failed successfully!!!

Cold is competely unintentionally fighting a one man war to keep the Princess as powerless as possible. All of Cold's Princesses are dead, except for Fury and Stencil. Stencil flicking between alive and dead, which is likely because of Opportunist's and Hero's thoughts being stronger than his, because in Wraith, she just stays dead. In Fury, he comes in late, and Stubbron already doesn't think she can die, so he doesnt effect her much. Cold's insistence that she's dead and easy to kill is at war with Hero's fear of ghosts and the Narrators insistence that she's alive. It's so funny when you realize that he's doing that

I always felt that Adversary!Fury was kinda overreacting. She seemed more disappointed in you. It felt really strange when she went full endless torture when thats kinda out of left field, but she makes so much more sense from Stubborn's pov!! He's the one that's supremely fucked up about the situation, he's the one yelling at Cold for his fucking audacity, he's the one who sees her in a new light after she beats you to death without a weapon when she just seemed scared and wanted to mercy kill you. Stubbon did that!!

Most princesses have a version of themselves but more. Needle to Adversary, Caged to Prisoner, Clarity to Nightmare, Den to Beast, Apotheosis to Tower, Razor, and I would say Wraith to Specter, and that's probably because the first voice you got thoughts were confirmed but now there's a second voice adding details. It's literally just confirmation bias, that's all that's happening here. Its really funny

Anyways i gotta ask what the fuck was going on in Hunted's and Opportunist's heads to make Wild? Like, I assume Hunted was thinking about when Beast dies, they'll return to nature together as one. Creating "We are a path in the woods,", but what the FUCK was oppy thinking to lead to this. Let me inside of your brain freak

[eggcats]

Radiodust/Radiohuskerdust fic where Alastor has the ability to know and remember ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that's been played on any radio in hell, since he's arrived

(He also has the ability to control what people listen to, but forcing people to listen to his radio show is uncouth and Vox levels of desperation, so he doesn't. However, he DOES prevent anyone else from using his airwaves during his scheduled showtime, because it's rude otherwise.)

Angel discovers this one day when he's lamenting about some song being stuck in his head that he heard on the radio, like 2 weeks ago, and after he hums part of the melody Alastor just starts playing it for him. And Angel is like "?????? what???" While Alastor is just like "My dear, I know everything that broadcasts over my airwaves, this is child's play."

Angel is suspicious, his entire mood is

And so, a game begins where Angel will hear a song he's POSITIVE Alastor would have never listened to, and then he quizzes Alastor later to see if he can still guess the song. So far, Alastor has never not played the correct song Angel is thinking about. (Angel could always lie, but that's outside the spirit of the game, so he never does.)

Eventually it develops into Alastor immediately guessing which song Angel will ask him about, leading to confusing most other members of the hotel when as SOON as Angel walks into a room Alastor is in, he will play some music and Angel will yell "goDAMMIT SMILES GIVE ME A FUCKIN' SECOND FIRST!"

The only time Alastor starts getting the songs wrong is when Angel, seemingly out of the blue, starts only listening to love songs. He's unsure what changed, but it seems like Angel is determined to only make Alastor play love songs for him now.

Therefore, Alastor becomes convinced that Angel is trying to figure out how to confess to Husk his feelings. And despite not being good with those feelings himself, he offers to assist in his endeavor since he's known Husker for a great deal of time. (If the idea makes Alastor kind of uncomfortable and sick, it's simply because soft emotions do so, and NOTHING about Angel no longer giving him any attention. Clearly.)

(You can choose your own adventure, but I like to go with the radiohuskerdust angle personally.)

So, with the radiohuskerdust angle, it's funnier if, by this point, Angel and Husk are already dating. And so now Angel has to deal with the guy he likes trying to set him up with his boyfriend. Husk is absolutely no help, he finds it hilarious. (This is all the more exasperated by Alastor seeing Angel complain to Husk about this situation, and try to ask for advice on how to tell Alastor that the love songs are for HIM, and Alastor assuming his advice is working.)

[dark-lord-of-awesomeness]

you know, I have this idea in my head about werecat, where Stan panics and denies the idea that he transforms into a cat on a full moon (or new moon, which seems even funnier). Inspired by the venus vampire trap, where it's a similar situation and everyone tries to convince Stan otherwise. How would the story turn out? Because the first thing you think of is big wolves, not a cute cat

Hmm. Well in the end its your story, so you get to chose the route it goes, but if you're asking for help I can spin up a few ideas.

Stan's a were-cat, but, much like some were-wolves, doesn't really remember the transformation or being a cat. In his mind he has a recurring dream where he's romping around the neighbor hood, has flashes of pouncing on mice, running through traffic, etc. He's a cat, so he doesn't leave behind a trail of rampant destruction like were-wolves.

Maybe Ford was tracking another were-wolf in the area, bumps into Stan, they have a terse arguement, all 'what are you doing here!' esc when Ford clocks that Stan's exhibiting all the trait of a were-wolf. Hairier, hungrier, irritated, aversion to silver, teeth slightly sharper, ears pointed, etc. Its right before the full moon, so Ford frantically drugs and locks Stan up before his brother goes on a rampage and kills people. Only for, halfway through the night, the actual were-wolf to show up and start rampaging. Ford gets dragged away to deal with it, cursing his foolishness about not realizing there were two wolves, and the fight leads to wherever he has Stan locked up. Door gets broken, everyone freaks because 'oh no! two were-wolves!' only for this giant (but still not huge) of a cat to burst out and absolutly start wailing on the wolf. Instant cat vs dog beef happening here. They manage to get the wolf neutralized, then stare at Stan-cat as he puffs up and starts rampaging. In cat style.

Which means he goes around and starts clawing up the furniture, breaking into cabinents to eat things cats arent supposed to, knocking things off shelves, trying to bite people then hissing at all the silver, and finally flopping at Fords feet and screaming at his brother to pet him >:( He demands snuggles!

Then Stan wakes up the next day, immediately gets mad about Ford drugging him? Wtf? and scoffs at all the allegations of were-catness. Were-cats aren't a thing? those are wolves, which also aren't real. Were-wolves that is, he knows wolves exist.

How it goes from there? No idea. Hope this helps!

[pearlescentparade]

1x1 being a parental figure to c00lkidd is so funny he's slinging that poor thang over his shoulder and throwing him into pools (c00lkidd is having the time of his life). can't tell if its funnier if the reader (in a 1x1/reader + familial c00lkidd scenario) is another killer or a survivor.

if they're a survivor then they're dealing with all the adjustment pains of these two playing a little more aggressively and making some more gory references. they have to deal with two sore-losers if they help their fellow survivors (1x1 will not let it go if even help shed fix a generator) or get called-out if they slack and let them pick off the others (shoving Chance before they can take a shot). something to be said about the position of vulnerability they're in as well, they're definitely strong to be handling 1x1 but who's to say how far that really goes? maybe this leads to situations where 1x1 has to take on a more balanced role of 'fun but also responsible' parent while the reader recovers. maybe they project that vulnerability onto c00lkidd and become more violent themselves, going after people who get to close to their little makeshift home out of fear- they don't know how people might react to their kid and they won't risk it (regardless of the fact he's shredded plenty of people apart before).

if they're another killer then there's that constant duality of violence and affection. they can play with c00lkidd without fear of getting hurt but then there's that fear of hurting him instead (it's gotta be a little bit hard. going from ripping people apart to tenderly holding someone. it's gotta freak you out sometimes. it's gotta.) there's an active threat to be handled with the survivors, i think anyone would want swordsmen and gunshots far away from their family. maybe they have to pick up leftovers from them after a match, clothes and weaponry and uneaten food to provide. maybe they go hold elliot at gunpoint i dont know. maybe they have to kill everyone just because they got caught by a survivor when they were playfighting with 1x or being sweet towards c00lkidd. they cannot sacrifice their rep this forsaken shit is serious.

-🦭

reader suffering no matter what </3 tfw ur partner n ur child both coming after u

us crashing out on the whole lobby if anyone sees us acting sweet n shit is funny asf HEHSHD AURA LOSS DETECTED AIR OUT THE WHOLE ROOM!!!

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Hi! Could you tell us more about the hoopoe sighting, specifically from the human / social side? Are these bird watchers or regular folk? How did the word spread around? Are people coming in from further (definition pending) away or are these walking distance neighbours? Etc etc etc

Basically, this situation sounds fascinating but I feel like I'm missing as to how this is happening and what social rules have emerged. It doesn't look like there's press coverage or wildlife protection or the threat of a wild animal killing you like with the [sea lion? Seal? That one pinniped] incident. So, how is this all playing out?

ALSO, I'm writing a story in which a non-native bird arrives one day and that manages to bring together some of the neighbours, so this event is personally fascinating to me. Thank you so so much for your reporting.

Sure! So, first off for context, a hoopoe sighting in the UK is not unheard of, but super super rare. It's something that happens like... once every few years, maybe? But normally on the south east coast of England, it is super super super rare to get one in Wales.

Now, whenever you get rare sightings like this, it's mostly bird watchers who care, and who spread the news. Last year a golden oriole turned up in a scrap of woodland on the Gower - much like the hoopoe, just passing through - and within hours of someone spotting it and putting it on a bird forum, the twitchers descended, lol. As luck would have it I was leading a field trip in that woodland on that day, so I got to see about two dozen people turn up, singly or in small groups, over the course of about four or five hours, all armed with proper cameras and also good binoculars. I never saw it in the end, which was a shame, but I know where it was, because I saw the birders gather in a small, hushed crowd at one end as we were getting back on the bus.

In the case of this hoopoe, things are a bit more relaxed. Unlike that golden oriole, it was first spotted earlier this week, and has hung out every day along the beach at roughly the same spot. You can see how unbothered it is by humans, too, look:

So close! Look how close it came in the photos! And the path it's on is a cycle path; bikes going past merely made it raise its crest momentarily and then carry on feeding. This means it's been a more relaxed affair, because if you want to see it, it's bizarrely easy to find. The first two days had slightly bigger crowds, but by now the QUICKLY GO AND SEE BEFORE IT LEAVES fervour has gone.

With that said, it's still mostly birders and other environmentalists going to see it. I don't think local news has even covered it, funnily enough. A quick search for 'Swansea hoopoe' gets me bird watching websites, birding soc med groups, a YouTube video, and a news article from last year when a hoopoe turned up in an Aberystwyth garden, of all places. The Evening Post really should have mentioned it for local interest, actually, but nothing. Although, of course, that's probably helped keep crowds down.

But environmentalists are definitely sharing the news with each other lol, so there's that (especially on the local scene). WE are all very excited. Of the little crowd of about 10 people there today, most had proper cameras. Several were discussing RSPB sites. Many had English accents, which suggests they travelled in to see it (although of course that's not definite). So, it's mostly a specialist crowd, interspersed with locals who stop to see what everyone is staring at.

The difference with the walrus, though, is I think partly the level of exoticism (most people don't know what a hoopoe is, but have seen birds; by contrast, they do know what a walrus is, and most haven't even seen a seal), and partly impact. Wally was exciting regardless, but he also kept squatting on slipways and capsizing boats, leading to funny photos of lifeboat volunteers trying to shoo him away with a broom.

And even funnier photos of him sinking the boats of rich toffs as they watched helplessly on and underwent the five stages of grief.

And, actually, he came visiting in lockdown, when people couldn't travel far and couldn't gather indoors, but you could go to Tenby and stand on a cliff, and I do think that played a part. But, as I say, most non environmentalists just don't know the hoopoe is even there to get excited.

Anyway, I hope that is at all useful! Good luck with your story.

[jester-lover]

Reverse of the ask where TWST bois pick the reader up: Reader is surprisingly strong and scoops *them* up.

I think the bigger the dude, the funnier, but Riddle’s reaction would be hilarious to me as well.

Somewhere in the distance, Ashton Vargas just found his new favorite student…

OG Post! Something similar for the Jack fans!

Buff Girlfriend Casually Lifting Them

Featuring! - Riddle, Jack, Malleus, Sebek

CWs/ Fem! Reader, fluff, humor

Riddle

“Unhand me at once!”

Riddle is shocked, appalled, and redder than a strawberry the second he feels you hook your hands under his knees and neck and pick him up like a bride. His hands immediately flail around and land around your shoulders, increasing his embarrassment tenfold.

His demands quiet down once the shock of the situation soaks in. His girlfriend is lifting him up and carrying him around like he weighs nothing. He has always been aware that you’re physically strong, but he didn’t know you were this strong!

Riddle usually won’t like being carried, but on the rare occasion, after a long day of school and his duties, he’ll ask for a piggyback ride back to his room. He’ll use a very standoffish tone while asking, but the way that he presses his head against the back of your shoulder lets you know he likes it.

Jack

He is so flabbergasted. Jack is in shock.

While he is aware that you’re into fitness—maybe the two of you even train together—he never knew you were this swole.

Jack is blushing; if you look close enough, his hands are shaking. He’s just realized he’s found the ideal woman for him—kind, gentle, who could break him in half like a pixie stick…

Bragging isn’t in his principles, but he might have to gloat a little bit with his track teammates when you’re literally running around with him thrown over your shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I mean, you’re not even exerting that much energy; he’s astounded!

Jack will (very quietly) ask for you to lift him again, just because he can’t believe it and he needs confirmation that he didn’t just make up the situation in his brain.

“Wanna join me for my morning run? It’ll be good cardio.”

Malleus

He’s getting the princess treatment. Very happy to know he’s your favorite lizard.

Since Malleus is very tall and imposing, he’s not used to such blatant displays of affection.

Having a physically stronger girlfriend would be a point of great pride for Malleus, particularly if you were a human, because then your strength would have been something you'd worked hard on. Something you’ve earned.

Being carried around is no problem for him; he may laugh a little at your strange human whimsy, but he happily agrees to being carried about at any time.

By any time, I mean any time. You could pick him up in the middle of a crowded campus hallway, and he’d just wrap his arms around you, place his head on your shoulder, and let you lead the way.

“Child of Man, be sure to drop me off at my alchemy class; perhaps I’ll let you pick me up and take me to Spelldrive Practice afterwords…”

Sebek

“How dare you, human!”

Sebek is appalled at the absolute gall you’ve got to have to do something so unabashedly romantic; don’t you see he’s too repressed for something so affectionate?

His face turns so red, and he tries to shake out of your ridiculously strong vice grip. Once he leaps off of you, get ready for an hour-long lecture. Sebek is shaking in his boots, explaining to you how inappropriate your actions were and how if you wanted his attention, there were better methods.

Midway through, he kind of realizes how hot it was that you were literally able to pick him up and carry him away like it was no problem, which makes Sebek quieter than you’ve ever seen him before, contemplating his words.

He quietly asks you to pick him up again because he wants to test your human endurance! (Ignore the way his eyes lock in on your defined shoulders, okay?)

[moon-ayyye]

All caste headcannons from me : )

I think the system of morality the swords operate under is confusing at best and subject to wild fluctuation at worst. They're designed to fight magical creatures that fall under the *magical* category of evil not any human or moral one. In my head magical good and evil is often different than human good and evil.

But the blades need a wielder and that wielder can influence the blades (just as the blades influence the wielder in turn). In order to fully connect to the blades you need to understand them or at least be willing to listen.

So.

Jason takes a few philosphy classes or at least starts reading theroy. In my head developing a more complex sense of morality and occasionally brushing up on stuff strengthens the connection he has with the blades and let's him use them for longer without draining his soul. (It would also lead to some fun situations where he can go over some red hood plans and determine if they're really helping useing theroy and principles of harm reduction cuz I'm a sucker for analyzing harm reduction from the context of Jason and Red Hood) it also has the added benefit of making any fights he has about morals way funnier. "You can't do that because it's wrong" and the response is a 10 page essay on moral objectisum complet with cited sources and also a note that says "fuck you"

Idk i just think it'd be really fun to analyze morality though the lense of both personal choice AND magical choice and what it means when those two factors influence eachoter. I just really wanna use the all blades as a vehicle for commentary ig.

Also! The all caste were like... ancient monks who had some foresight, in my head they 100% saw some of this stuff comming and one day Jason will be called back to like... restart them or something. Idk it's an excuse for my "he gets less human over time" headcannon to connect to "i want the all caste back plz" i think it'd be prity cool if Jason was chosen both because of who he is and bc of his connection to gotham and a lesser extent the bats. Gotham is like so super cursed and getting someone who can maybe harness some of that cursed energy in as the chosen one is probably a nice power boost. Plus the bats are free alies which will be super useful if/when Jason ever decides to restart the all caste (in my head there's resources aviable for this plan, bc no way they're just gone gone forever)

I also like the idea that Jason has blood magic and soul magic and that thease two magics are very volatile and dangerous.

Anyways those r my thoughts hope you enjoyed!!!!!!

I actually fully agree with this, and it's why I think the wielder is someone who has to be properly vetted. It's similar to Thor's hammer; you need to fit really obscure and specific criteria to use it, but when you fit them, you connect really well to it. Anyone can use the blades, but only Jason can properly wield them

Jason is canonically a freakishly fast learner, so I do see him going through both human libraries and the All Caste archives, since you can't be an ancient order of warrior monks without one, and that would really influence his plans and general outlook on everything

[inkpot909]

How They Text the Reader Headcanons

↳ Characters included are Bruno Brucciarati, Leone Abbacchio, and Guido Mista. Gender Neutral Reader with they/them pronouns.

A/n: I’ve always wanted to try my hand at doing x Reader text messages! This was very fun to make, and I do plan to make more of this kind of headcanon list for the rest of Bucciarati’s team.

Warning(s): None.

Bruno Bucciarati

Bruno’s text messages are straight to the point and utilize proper grammar like the mother he truly is deep down.

Not the type of person to send emoji’s… ever, really. This is because he views texting as a simple tool to use when he can’t just speak to you in person or over a phone call.

However, you prefer the funnier explanation of it actually being because he’s secretly very inept at using technology (this is very much so part of it he just won’t ever say so).

In all honesty, he prefers to call you and hear the sound of your voice more than communicating over text. He’s the type to call in order to converse about whatever mundane thing is on his mind instead of sending a text.

That said, he’s definitely the type to always tell you good morning or wish you goodnight with a sweet text message.

Also, because of his job, he’s often put into long-term situations where calling isn’t exactly ideal. That’s when he’ll text the most; he just wants to check up on you regularly when he can’t be there in person do so! This became especially true after rising to the position of Capo.

His text messages may seem… bland to those unfamiliar with him.

But since you know him as well as you do, they always ring as genuine and an extension of his polite kindness.

Admittedly, it is hard to argue against the fact that his straightforward style of text often leads to misunderstandings. This is due to his sometimes unreadable tone:

Leone Abbacchio

Hardly ever texted you at the beginning.

Since the two of you started going out, he’s gotten a bit better, though. Before, he was very adamant that if he has something to say, he’ll wait when he’s face-to-face with you.

But when he eventually let it slip that he often forgets what he even wants to talk to you about, you slowly began getting him to text you more.

Arguably the best method of doing so is to get him to tell you about something he feels strongly about. Whether it’s something positive like asking him about the music he’s been listening to recently, or it’s something more devilish like bringing up subjects that really bother him.

Leone is at least very reliable.

Meaning that, although he doesn’t often start a conversation over text himself, he will respond to you reasonably quick.

Tease him by claiming it’s because he has a soft spot for you and he won’t text for an entire day (you know he loves you).

He also prefers to use proper grammar and punctuation in his texts. That said, Leone does use emojis (usually just to express disappointment) and sometimes can seem more expressive in text than he is in actual conversation.

One sweet thing he does over text is that he always sends you a message after he makes it home after a particularly dangerous mission, informing you that he’s safe. He knows you worry, and although he often puts up a front claiming it’s annoying, he truly does take note of that concern.

Abbacchio’s just not completely used to having someone like you in his life who holds a special concern for him. He is adjusting; slow and steady.

And although he forms the habit of texting you more, it’s you and only you he has the energy to do this for (outside of probably Bruno). This leads to other’s on Bucciarati’s team to text you when they want to get a hold of him:

Guido Mista

Real talkative over text, especially in the evening after he’s finished with his dinner. He’s pretty expressive and uses a decent amount of emojis.

Will plop down on his couch with an exaggerated bounce, pull out his phone, only with the purpose of talking to you and doing nothing else on the device.

The two of you actually had to work on how late you’d stay up texting one another.

Hours disappearing in the blink of an eye and leaving you both extra tired the next morning. And on occasions that it was decided to take the conversation into a call… it’s easy to see why you both have slept in late more than once.

Although not as frequently as someone like Narancia, Mista will send memes every now and then. Not only that, but he always replies to the ones you send him.

He prefers to send you embarrassing or funny pictures of others in the group over memes, though. You’ve seen photos of Abbacchio and Fugo in particular that Mista could honestly use as blackmail.

This has bitten him in the butt quite a bit, though.

After discovering Mista’s been doing this, the others now send you every single unfavorable image they own of the gunslinger. Even Bruno’s sent his fair share.

And although Mista often forgets to say good morning to you through text, he always says goodnight to you.

Not only that, but Mista will text right after he’s completed with a mission. Although a bit of a goofball, he always takes work seriously, and will leave you on delivered on hours at a time depending on what he’s up to. But the minute things have calmed, he’s letting you know.

Mista will certainly ask one of his common out-of-pocket questions designed to get a conversation going via a text message.

This isn’t a bad thing per se, except for the fact that he has a bad habit of doing so at three in the morning.

Even still, they’re not the weirdest variation of texts you’ve ever received from him:

[millidew]

random list of v3 opinions after experiencing all that again:

the death road of despair segment is the pre-trial highlight of ch1. so damn good. just a perfect microcosm of the game and kaede's flaws and conflicts

maki is funnier than i remember. but she’s at her funniest when she hits shuichi with a devastating insult, usually completely unprompted

ouma and maki parallels and foiling forever and ever. they HAAATE each other. but also it’d be cool to see them get along. the whole point is that they don’t see through the other and believe the other’s lies but still

maki saying she’ll work hard to make people trust her and her talent and that she wants to survive with everyone…ough…

ouma is so mad. he wishes that were him. also that moment where everyone ignores him and tries to comfort kaito after gonta's execution. he also wishes that were him but unfortunately he's been an asshole to everyone and no one likes him so

the only way i can enjoy saio/uma is one sided ouma->shuichi where shuichi is just not invested in the cop/robber dynamic ouma wants at all. it’s funnier this way + saimota inspires a visceral upset within him. he NEEDS to fumble both kaede and shuichi.

on that note i’ve been hcing ouma as bisexual for years partially out of spite

kaito’s obnoxious charm can’t be ignored. if you think you’ve successfully done it, it means it’s just entered an asymptomatic form. it'll hit you soon enough

ch2 pre-execution >>> KIRA BUCKLAND THE VOICE ACTRESS THAT YOU ARE. EVERYONE WONDERING IF THEY MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE BY VOTING FOR KIRUMI. KAITO GOING “IDC I WANT TO LIVE, OUR LIVES ARE IMPORTANT TOO!” KIRUMI INSULTING OUMA <3 EVERYONE CHEERING FOR KIRUMI TO RUN!!! TO LIVE!!!!!!!! GAHHHH SO COOL

kaito and himiko just blatantly lying through their teeth during their ftes. the liars who suppress their true problemsssss. also him shouting that he is NOT GIVING HER A PIGGY BACK RIDE!!! EVAR!!!!! is so funny

himiko I LOVE YOUUUUU. i love her getting overly familiar with people post-development and just accidentally completely overstepping boundaries by insulting kiibo and calling maki "maki roll." she's trying so hard you guys

KAITO IS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC. HE SHOULD’VE BEEN THE MALE LEAD IN A HIGH-SCHOOL THEATRE PRODUCTION AND ANNOYED EVERYONE IN THE CREW!!!! STOP BOTHERING MAKI SHE HAS A POWER DRILL

shuichi and maki doing sit ups and the camera slowly panning to show kaito laying there hands behind his head saying his usual bullshit is one of the funniest moments of the game

tenko and himiko agree that shuichi should transition into a woman. this is true.

I don’t accept tenko slander unless it’s specifically about her obsessiveness over himiko in ch1-2 in which case I can’t defend her

if kaito shaved he’d look 13. for this reason he is legally not allowed to do that.

tsumugi and the background of v3 are SO GOOD. ABSOLUTE PEAK. in execution there are lots of weak points but after thh, sdr2, udg, and the anime series, tell me a meta story about consumption, lies, and depression that ends with the cameos from entire main games’ previous casts doesn’t go hard

don’t deny that tsumugi loved her little ocs. do you not enjoy torturing your blorbos, putting them into situations, and giving them nice things just to take those away?? shipping them and dressing them up??? making silly aus (salmon mode, utdp, arguably dr:s)?

i just wish the writers utilized her more bc i love that so much. she should've wanted to get to get more involved with everyone (giddily see her ocs up close). she should've made even more thh/srdr2 references. players assume the writers are trying for cheap nostalgia points, and they are, but it's true in-universe too...she should've been so overconfident that she'd get sloppy with the situational irony... tsumugi you little freak ily

she and rantaro were 100% s52's survivors and you can pry this from my cold dead hands. her dr fangirl self can be her pre-game personality

speaking of pre-game personalities, pre-game content can be so boring to me. how they write ouma is my litmus test. if he's not enough of a nuisance, just in a different way, then it's gotta go

maki is down for a training trio polycule, shuichi is in denial about everything and fears becoming an awkward third wheel, and kaito has been trying unsuccessfully to wink-wink nudge-nudge shuichi and maki into “realizing their feelings for each other” for ages

i still think maki should have short hair. initially I thought just shorter pigtails would be ok but I’m now in the firm camp of a pixie cut with one of her scrunchies on her wrist, with her orphanage-age flashback self maintaining the pigtails. she had to cut them off for practicality’s sake but one of her hidden desires is to be able to regrow it one day. another show of her loss of identity and past life, and how every aspect of her is controlled? such a simple desire at first glance but because hair is such a simple show of autonomy…even more tragic… maybe her doomed childhood friend yuri used to do her hair …hrm…

ultimates are public, influential figures. maki’s had to assassinate friends before (rip her yakuza friend that I didn’t know she had up until recently). maki went back to being an assassin in utdp after graduating. the hope’s peak class roster MIGHT just be a hit list

for someone who includes miu in her top 3 I haven’t talked about her at all huh. it’s been maki central up in here

miu is AWFUL but when her jokes hit, they hit good and hard just like she’d want them to. she’s completely insufferable and deserves to hit ouma (also insufferable) with 3000 hammers. kiibo too but he wouldn’t want to

look just because ouma said he was doing everything for a good reason, do NOT forget that at his core he is a little dipshit. he’s a JERK!!!

brief dip into maki time again. one of my favorite aus is that maki’s doomed childhood friend is actually miu. i'll expand on this in another post

once again: drv3 and rgu are shaking hands about exiting the narrative and the follies of playing hero. read my utenanthy!kaemugi post

v3 is FARRRR from a masterpiece, but it's a solid and fitting Ending to the main games, plus it's got an insane cast with infinite dynamics and a premise which i love to bits <33 and it was the game that got me into dr, so it'll always be special in my heart. also kaito momota luminary of the stars debuted in it which gives it 5/5 stars

[oldfashioned-lovergirl]

If you’re still taking requests: sebson mistletoe matchmakers, one of those 5+1 things, like they use mistletoe together other drivers and the one time others do it to them

❃ FLUFFCEMBER 2024 ❃

day 12: mistletoe — jenson button x sebastian vettel (+ webbonso, brocedes, maxiel)

note: happy christmas everybody!! thank you for the request! btw, i will probably reduce the days becuse 1 i have not that many fanfic ideas 2 december is coming to an end and 3 sadly i have to study for my exams. but keep the requests coming :) i’ll do my best to fulfil them. ps: mark sneak in the pic but it does give the idea of a christmas party. i also couldn’t think of 5 couples from the old grid so i’ll give you 3 lmao hope it’s enough. i enjoyed writing this A LOT.

fluffcember masterlist | main masterlist

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

That year drivers’ dinner was organized in a big villa. The atmosphere was beautiful, everyone was having fun. But you know what was funnier?. Jenson and Sebastian’s plan to pull a prank on the other drivers by mysteriously making appear a mistletoe above their heads. After all, what’s better than playing matchmakers?

The first pair they wanted to fall in their trap were obviously Mark and Fernando. Not only because those two were dancing around each other for years by now, but also because they were undoubtedly the easiest target, assuming that two people who became extremely touchy at any given time would be the most likely to kiss. Their assumption revealed itself, in fact, correct.

It wasn’t even that difficult: the two of them were already talking together in a side of the room. All it took was for Jenson to hang the mistletoe above them with a broom handle while Sebastian proceeded to distract them.

The two friends, as expected, weren’t very pleased with Seb interrupting their conversation, and they quickly dismissed him by ignoring him.

“They really wanted alone time.” Sebastian stated with a smirk on his face, once he was back to Jenson.

“Well, let’s see how it plays out. But not from here.” Jenson took Sebastian by his arm and pulled him in the hallway, from where they would’ve had a better visual.

Just as planned, Mark’s head bumped into the mistletoe, and both of them looked upwards. Fernando’s face turned to a shade of red once he understood the situation.

“Oh.” Mark’s eyes were back on Fernando, who was trying his best to find something else to look at. “I haven’t seen many mistletoes around, we must have ended up under the only one.”

“Si, I guess.” The Spaniard was clearly wishing he could dig a grave for himself in the floor. A small grave would have been enough for his size, he wouldn’t take that much to make it.

The taller man seemed uncomfortable too, but overall more collected. “Should we follow the tradition? I mean, if you’re in for it, of course.”

Fernando blushed even more if possible, but nodded nonetheless. “It’s just a tradition, after all.”

Mark didn’t let himself be told twice. He leaned down and pressed his lips on his friend’s. Fernando welcomed the kiss, holding him by his shoulder, while the Aussie’s hands fell down to grab his snatched waist.

Jenson and Sebastian exchanged an accomplice look. That was the sign for them to continue with their mission. It suddenly got extremely fun.

Their next target were the two inseparable best friends, because what was funnier than threaten to break a sexual tension lasting years with a Christmas kiss?

This time was even easier to place them right where they wanted. They hung up the mistletoe in the isolated hallway they have been. Jenson then began a conversation with Nico, subtly leading him in that direction, while Sebastian did the same with Lewis. Once they were all together in the designed spot, Jenson and Seb found a way out and left the two alone, under the infamous plant. They sat on a table where they could watch them from afar without being seen.

It was quite frustrating at the beginning, since those two didn’t seem to realize where they happened to be, too busy doe-eyeing each other. That, until a berry fell on Lewis’ shoulder.

“I can’t believe they really put mistletoes around here.” said Nico, picking up the berry from the Brit’s suit.

“That must be why Mark and Fernando were passionately making out before.”

Nico chuckled, remembering the sight. “Care to imitate them?”

Lewis froze suddenly. He was never out of words, but in that moment he really couldn’t find anything meaningful to say, so he just stayed silent.

“What? You don’t think your masculinity can handle it?” Nico teased him, stepping forward to cancel the empty space between them. “Or you’d rather take it and use it to kiss some pretty girl?”

Lewis didn’t believe there could ever exist a girl prettier than Nico. “Is it a challenge?” And God knew how much he loved challenges.

“I don’t know, would you accept it?”

Lewis took Nico’s face in his hand and pulled him in a kiss.

Seb gave Jenson the high five. It was proving all easier than expected.

They decided to have a drink or two before concentrating on their next victims.

“I must say I didn’t think it would’ve gone so smooth. Why is everyone tonight so fucking horny?” Sebastian said in a softer tone, careful not to be heard by anyone but his accomplice, and they both shared a laugh.

“Look,” Jenson got closer to his friend “tell me he’s not dying to kiss Verstappen from the moment he stepped in this place tonight.” He pointed discreetly at Daniel Ricciardo, sat in a table not too far from them, who was too centered on keeping his eyes on Max to hear what they were saying.

The two appeared in front of the poor boy, blocking his sight. Jenson initiated the talk. “Hey mate, how you doing?”

Daniel snapped instantly back to reality. “Oh. Good, thank you. I was just–“

“Yeah, we know.” Seb stopped him, saving him the awkwardness, then took a mistletoe out of their secret mistletoes bag and handled it to him. “We could have done it for you, but we thought it was more fun if you’d do it yourself.”

The young Aussie looked at the little plant, then at them, a bit confused. Then his big brown eyes widened and his lips parted in realization.

“Max.” Daniel greeted him, after finally finding the courage to approach him.

The boy was sipping casually on his drink. He smiled as soon as he saw his teammate. “Hi Danny. Are you having fun?”

The RedBull driver tried to keep the conversation going until he took the decision: it was finally time to shoot his shot. He sneakily dropped the mistletoe without being seen by his friend, then he slyly dropped down his eyes. “Oh, look. It must have fallen from the ceiling.”

Max frowned, then picked it up and scanned it, turning it around in his hands. “It doesn’t surprise me. Those two are hanging these damn things around since they arrived. Such a childish tradition.”

“Do you think it’s childish?” asked Daniel, finding it hard to hide the disappointed tone. He was usually able to easily break the tension by saying something funny, but in that moment he found himself out of jokes.

“I mean,” Max tucked his hair behind his ear, letting his nervousness shine through. “They’re like the cat and the fox, playing matchmakers, and now everyone is making out. We don’t want them to fool us too, right? Not that I don’t want to kiss you, but– Wait, sorry I didn’t mean it like–” he sighed and shook is head “What am I saying? Sorry, I’m being so bad with words. I just–”

His nonsense rumblings were interrupted when Daniel silenced him with a kiss. Max stiffened at first, but when his friend’s hand found his, he relaxed and kissed him back.

Sebastian and Jenson were watching them satisfied, sipping their second drink. Their game then succeeded most of the times for another hour. At least until they accidentally left their mistletoes bag in a corner of the room to go to the bathroom, and when they were back, it wasn’t there anymore.

“I knew we shouldn’t have gone at the same time.”

So smart of them. “Maybe someone picked it up thinking it was theirs.”

They asked around, but no one seemed to have seen it.

“Has someone lost a navy bag?” Nico Rosberg’s voice resounded suddenly among the people.

“It’s ours!” The two quickly approached the Mercedes driver, soon realizing he wasn’t alone. Lewis was with him, and also Max. And Daniel. And Mark with Fernando. Oh.

The Spaniard had his arms crossed. “I think I’ve seen it there.” He pointed to a door.

Seb and Jenson wasted no time and ran in the said direction. It didn’t take them very much to notice that they ended up in a room full of mistletoes, all hanging from the roof, from the walls, scattered on the floor and all over the furniture. The door closed behind them.

“I think they caught us.” Jenson commented, looking around. The other drivers’ laughters echoed from afar.

“Very perceptive of you.” Sebastian couldn’t help an amused smile.

“We kinda had it coming.” The Brit turned towards him.

“Kinda?” Seb shrugged. “It was inevitable.” His eyes met the other man’s ones, and betrayed his feelings. He couldn’t hide them anymore. “So, what shall we do?”

Jenson tilted his head a bit, his intentions so obvious, so readable on his face. He stepped closer and closer, forcing the other driver to back up against a wall. “Well, it would be very hypocritical of us to avoid the trend at this point.”

“I think so too.” The German’s gaze dropped to his lips.

Jenson trapped him by leaning on the wall with one hand. “May I?” His voice was low and his breathe heavy.

“Don’t worry, you don’t need your British manners with me.”

They smashed their lips together. They explored each other’s mouths, savouring each other’s taste. Sebastian’s hands held him close by behind his neck, while Jenson’s found a way down his body.

When they broke the kiss, they were breathless. Sebastian’s blue doe eyes were still fixated on the other man’s lips. “You know, I think I saw a mistletoe in my hotel room too.”

Jenson chuckled.

[nobodysdaydreams]

I have thoughts on severance season 3 that have made me even more excited for what is to come.

So, next season will likely be a hostage situation between Lumon and the outties vs. Helly, Mark, Dylan, and the marching band with Milchick as prisoner (plus Helly in a way taking Helena prisoner). Weirdly, Jame/Lumon and Mark’s family (Devon, Gemma) will both be united in their goals of getting Helena/Helly and outtie Mark back, which could lead to an uneasy or forced alliance. Furthermore, if they use Cobel to figure out how to switch both or one of them back to their outtie, we could get some fun conversations between Helena and outtie Mark. Like the reverse of the over time contingency. Imagine Helly and Innie Mark are kissing and then they switch back to their outties, like what happened to outtie Mark and Gemma in the elevator when they became Ms. Casey and Innie Mark.

I have thought deeply about all combinations, and they have so much potential.

We already have the classic Innie Mark and Helly.

Then we have Outtie Mark and Helena talking about the fact that their innies like each other while outtie Mark is just furious at Helena for presumably knowing his wife was being tortured and then heartlessly butchering her name at that restaurant too on top of it all. And Helena’s like “look. I’m not here to stand between you and your family. I just want my company back” (liar, she has the biggest weirdest crush).

Then we have Innie Mark and Helena, and he also probably has words to say to Helena about pretending to be Helly, but then of course he’d also feel guilty because he couldn’t tell it wasn’t her (which is not his fault, but I think Helena would point out or remind him that he couldn’t tell the difference)

Then there is Outtie Mark and Helly who haven’t talked yet, and honestly, this is the one I’m the most excited for. Helly seemed more open to getting to know him from her conversation with Innie Mark. It gives Outtie Mark a chance to see who his innie fell in love with and see “his world”. They might have the most productive conversation of these combos.

Finally, there is the incredibly funny and dramatic possibility of the innies and outties negotiating a hostage situation with uh… themselves? Using the video camera method. Doing this with just one person would be funny, the Marks yelling at each other about Gemma and Helly and reintegration while Helly’s just like “okay so your dad is so weird, also stay away from my boyfriend” and Helena’s like “but can he be our boyfriend?” However, what would be even funnier is all four of them switching back and forth at the same time. Would the outties show up as a combined front to talk to the innies and then they use the video camera together at the same time? Or would they use every innie and outtie combination to have all these conversations? If so, imagine being there and how weird it is to what that from the outside. Imagine Helly watching Mark record himself, step outside, watch the tape, and record a response, and repeat. Imagine one of the Marks watching Helly and Helena do this. I need to see it.