#and just attributing to worse than usual anxiety.

[rhube]

This is something I think about a lot too. I completely understand why people want to destigmatise mental illness by stopping people using diagnoses in a derogatory manner. But. Speaking as someone who has had multiple mental illnesses for a really long time, the insistence that we never talk about any behaviours as crazy or insane - or sometimes even only tangentially related words like batshit - ignores the fact that there words WEREN'T solely used to stigmatised the mentally ill in the past. There's a lot of behaviours and thoughts that average, basically mentally healthy people engage in that overlap with or ar identical to things mentally ill people do. The difference is degree, proximity to other symptoms, and the extent to which they interfere with daily life. It's actually very useful to be able to say a person (including oneself) is a bit crazy without using the term negatively. But now we have to trip over ourselves to find a word for this overlap area of behaviours and thoughts.

Which is why I usually prefer to differentiate between more generic terms and actual diagnoses. Yes, 'psychotic' as a pejorative is not OK. This extends to things like 'sociopath' and 'psychopath', which a lot of people seem to both think are real diagnoses and OK to use as a pejorative. The terms themselves are not generally given these days as diagnoses and it's debatable whether you can separate out people with empathy disorders into these categories, but there are real people who struggle to empathise with others who, contrary to what you may have heard in a think pieces about CEOs and bad managers, are not typically bad people who do bad things to other people.

There is a problem with some of the language we use about mental health, but I'm not sure the solution is to remove the generic words that are inclusive of behaviours seen in healthy people from circulation.

It is sometimes helpful to say that someone's beliefs have deviated from reality even if you don't think they have specific symptom clusters that relate to a mental illness.

And I also just want to second the point that experiences and symptoms do not belong solely to one diagnosis. This is what's so damaging about these posts that go around being like, 'The uniquely X experience of Y'.

Like, I have depression and have had it most of my life. People with bipolar disorder also experience depression. We have an overlap of symptoms. But our diagnoses are very different. I have never had a manic episode and I never will. That's not better or worse than being overwhelmingly depressed, it's just that there is a very clear difference to the mechanism that gives us some of the same experiences.

See also the way that a lot of the symptoms I see attributed to only autistic people or only people with ADHD are also symptoms you can have from an anxiety disorder or PTSD. And some people have several conditions that can all cause the same or very similar problems. It doesn't help anyone to sort out what's going on with them to say 'only x people experience y'.

That doesn't mean you can't say, 'you might be x if you experience y', you just gotta recognise that there is a harm in saying, 'the uniquely x experience of y'.

Very often it's not unique and you are alienating and hurting people who experience the same thing as you for different reasons.

there's a lot to be said about how the average person indulges in delusions far more than anyone is really comfortable grappling with. every now and again, a poll comes out that reveals some sort of number of people who believe they have magical powers, usually pretty high, and everyone takes turns making fun of it and affirming their own Sanity

this is more observational than scientific, but it really does seem like writing off delusional thinking as the realm of the "insane" creates this valley where the "normal" person's thinking (especially a person who considers themself normal, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) must be more empirical, because, categorically, they are not insane

[fishandshesmygills]

ever since i was a little girl i always knew i wanted to experience arsenic poisoning

[luveline]

for the fred x asf!reader, maybe something where one of his family members is like whispering about r or says something rude or backhanded and he sticks up for her? or if you don’t want to do his family, maybe a friend or something?

ty for requesting! fem, 1.7k

Sometimes you get so sick with everything that it makes you gag. It sounds insane, how can an illness that tires you force something like a gag? It might be more appropriate to attribute it to anxiety, but it’s overwhelming, whatever it is. You get this feeling like you’re totally lost in the middle of the day and all Fred can do is watch you as you scramble out of your seat for a bathroom. 

You haven’t actually thrown up yet. You stand bent over the bathroom sink in the burrow and breathe. Your gag had been loud —it wouldn’t surprise you if everybody here tonight had heard it. Fred stands just outside the door, the bathroom too small to force his way in while you still stand at the sink. 

“Lovely,” he says, without shame despite the tens of ears listening in, “can I come in?” 

The basin is made of yellow and orange tile, peculiar as the rest of the burrow. The mirror is framed by the same colours. You meet your own eyes and don’t have it in you to scowl. You aren’t angry at being sick. You aren’t sorry for yourself. You’re just tired. 

Fred says your name. 

You scoot into the very corner of the bathroom and begin opening the door for him. He’s in as soon as you allow him to be, shimmying between the door and the toilet to close it behind him again. He takes a breath of relief when he finds you unhurt, but his concern doesn’t waver. 

“You okay?” he asks. 

Sometimes you wish Fred didn’t have to see you at all. Like this, like that, ever. You wish he never met you, because you know he’s beautiful inside and out, and he has to witness you at your constant lows. “Fine.” 

“My mum’s making some peppermint tea, if you want some. It settles the stomach.” 

“Maybe.” 

“Is there something wrong?” 

Beyond the usual? No. Everything is the same. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you’ll be in love with him forever without ever feeling enough, maybe he’ll keep looking at you like he is now, softly, the slightest air of defeat about him. There are wires crossed in your head you can’t fix, and he loves you, and sometimes it doesn’t make a bit of difference. 

“Hey,” he says, “it’s okay.” Fred holds your arm by the elbow.

“I know. I don’t know what…” 

Do you ever? 

Fred doesn’t catch onto your dark mood. “That’s enough for today. We’ll go home, okay? Let me just say goodbye to mum, you can say bye to George. Or do we…” 

“No. It’s okay, I’ll go and see him.” 

“Okay.” He kisses your cheek. 

Fred leaves first. By the time you’ve slipped between the toilet and the door back out into the hallway, he’s gone. Not even his scent lingers. You make your way back into the living room where you’d been before you started feeling sick, face angled down. 

“You alright?” Charlie asks. 

You raise your head to smile at him quickly. “I’m okay. Just not feeling well, sorry.” 

“Going home?” George asks. 

You bite your tongue and nod. George gathers your jumper where you’d shed it in a hot flush and quickly stands to be by your side. 

“Let me walk you down to the garden.” 

“Okay. Bye, Charlie. See you next week.” 

“Feel better!” Charlie calls as you go. 

You pull your jumper on and follow George out into the garden, where you meander. You’d say goodbye to Molly, only she’s so caring that it can make things worse. She’s more understanding of how you feel than you’d first expected, but she made boys like Fred and George, so it shouldn’t surprise you. 

“What’s that about? The being sick?” George asks eventually. 

“I wasn’t sick.” 

“No?” 

“No, it’s just kecking. I don’t really know what it is, honestly.” 

George looks like Fred, but they’re not as identical as people think. Very occasionally you’ll spot him across the shop and think it’s your boyfriend for a few nanoseconds, but you could never mistake them for one another in good lighting. When George offers a hug, it doesn’t feel like Fred’s touch. You know the difference. 

“Maybe it’s, like, a sign you need to chill out for a bit.” 

“I’m always chilled out. Nobody expects anything from me. I never do anything.” 

George pulls back with an arm still covering your shoulders, “Listen to the way you’re talking,” he says gently, “you need to be nice to yourself, even if it’s just until you feel better. You know? Something is clearly winding you up, and it doesn’t have to. You can tell me about it.” 

It’s something, but it’s something he knows already. You hold your arm to his, struggling to explain, to want to. You wish you could go back to saying nothing; it was easier to be quiet. 

George isn’t disappointed. He rubs your arm. “You can tell me whenever. Or not tell me. Don’t tell me anything, let’s just ditch Fred and go get cake.” 

“I can’t ditch Fred.” 

“Why?” 

“I like him.” 

“Ugh.” George puts his cheek to yours. “Whatever. You’ll pick the right twin eventually.” 

Shouting echoes from the house. You and George look up at the same time, startled, the light mood of your joking quickly tanked. “Is that Fred?” you ask. 

It’s definitely Fred. “I couldn’t care less what you think, Ronald, I’d be surprised if you could form intelligent thought–” 

“Fred!” Molly shouts, “Boys, please, there’s no need for all the shouting!” 

“If I were you I’d look at yourself carefully the next time you're tempted to open your fat gob–”

George laughs beside you. “Jesus, what’s Ron said?” 

“I have no idea.” The twins argue with Ron every time they see him, so it could be anything. “Maybe he’s harping on Fred to cut his hair again.” 

“Well, he should.” 

“No way.” You picture your lovely boyfriend with short, short hair as everyone wants him to have and cringe. “No, thank you.” 

“Just don’t talk about her, Ron! It’s really quite simple, even a half-wit like you could understand it if you tried, don’t even think about her–”

Your chest falls as you realise what it is that’s making all the fuss. At Fred’s shout, there’s an upheaval of sounds, Ron’s yelling, Molly’s, and Arthur’s quieter pleading for everybody to calm down. Fred says something you can’t hear, and then the door out into the garden is opening, and Fred huffs a breath as he makes his way down the path. 

“Hey,” he says, forcing a smile when he sees you and George. “Ready to go?” 

“What happened?” you ask. 

“It’s nothing. Ron being Ron.” 

“Did he say something?” 

Fred looks between you and George with a frown. “He’s hardly capable of stringing four words together. But yes, he said something.” His frown deepens. “He’s just being a dick. It doesn’t matter.” 

“Was it about me?” 

Fred squints at you. “Could you be less perceptive?” 

“No.” 

He visually debates telling you what’s been said. George grabs your shoulder, half a hug as he says, “I can invoke a divine punishment.” 

“It was nothing cruel, ghost.” Fred sighs. “He asked me why you act like that, and I– He doesn’t get it, okay? But that doesn’t mean you act wrong.” 

“I see,” you say. 

Fred watches your face. His own turns to heartbreak. “Listen, I’ll go back in there. I’ll kill him.” 

“No, you won’t.” 

“Of course I will.” Fred ducks his head a little to see you where you’ve shied away. “I will kill him.” 

George snorts. “Me first. He’s such a fucking dolt of a boy.” 

“No, it’s okay, I know I’m weird–”

“I’ll kill him–”

“Fred,” you interrupt. You take a moment to formulate what you’re saying, because it’s important, and because you constantly toe the same line, “I am weird. He doesn’t have to pretend I wasn’t just almost sick in the living room for no real reason–”

“It’s not about pretending, it’s that he thinks you do it on purpose.” Fred speaks with such severity that you immediately close your mouth. “I’ve seen you struggle for so long, it’s painful, ghost, and it’s worse for you, I know it is, and the insinuation that you’re choosing–”

“Fred,” you say, putting your hand to his chest. “It’s okay.” 

“Well, it isn’t,” George says, “but yeah, it’s okay. I’m gonna make slugs come out of his nose.” 

George kisses your cheek, a smacking joking thing that you bat away before he jogs back up the path to the house. Fred looks down at your hand on his chest, still frowning, but with a slowly relaxing brow. 

“You can’t blame people for not getting it,” you say. 

“Yes, I can.” 

“You can’t.” 

“Yes, I can. You are difficult to understand sometimes, lovely, but being difficult to understand does not mean you’re difficult to care about. Ron’s total lack of empathy is ridiculous. He should be better than that.” 

“He just doesn’t get it,” you say, raising a hand to his chin to turn his head, and lifting your chin to kiss his cheek primly. “But I don’t need him to. Just need you.” 

He grabs you in a hug before you can move away, his face pressed against yours. “How do you feel now?” he asks quietly. “Still poorly?” 

“Yeah, a bit. George told me I need to chill out.” 

“You do. That’s what we’re going home to do.”

Fred is so careful with you that it sort of hurts. Like, to have someone stand in front of you and to hold you without a second thought, to have never let you down, to grab you at the first sign of weakness and hold you together. You will never, ever feel like you deserve him. Maybe you don’t. But Fred doesn’t work on deserving, he just loves, lips soft on your temple as his hand scrunched into your side. “Don’t worry,” he says gently, fingers curling in and out against you, almost like a loving scratch, “you’ll feel better soon.” 

[ak319]

Lovesick Village Boy x Fem civil servant reader

《Beloved's Veil》

PART VI

➺ Part V

"Rahim, please… say something," you tried again, your patience stretched thin by the gnawing worry in your chest. This was the third time you'd asked, and with each unanswered attempt, your resolve to get to the bottom of things only grew stronger. If he didn’t speak soon, you were prepared to go straight to his family’s home yourself.

"That's it." You rose to leave, but before you could take a step, a small hand gripped your sleeve, halting you. Rahim’s expression was haunted, his eyes wide and pleading. His hand trembled, clutching you like you were his only anchor in a sea of terror. The fear in his gaze didn’t diminish your anxiety, it only sharpened it, tightening like a vice around your heart.

"You’ve got to say something, kiddo," you murmured, leaning close so he wouldn’t feel pressured. "You’re making me worry here."

Finally, after a silence that stretched unbearably long, Rahim’s voice came, barely a whisper. "U… uncle…"

You leaned in, gentle and steady. "Habib?" you prompted softly. "Are you talking about him? Yes, tell me, Rahim… what happened?"

He hesitated, the words hovering at the edge of his lips, but then, as quickly as he’d started, he fell silent again, retreating into himself. His eyes shifted away, shadowed and unreadable, as if something unspeakable lay hidden just beneath the surface.

You let out a quiet sigh, knowing that pressing him further wouldn’t help. He needed time. Placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, you signaled Odai to come closer. "Odai, stay with him," you instructed, casting a final, lingering glance at Rahim

"B-but what about you, ma'am? Where are you off to?" Odai's voice trembled slightly as he watched you prepare to leave.

"To his house, with Maha," you replied firmly, glancing at the clock on your desk. It was 7:30 a.m., too early for peace but not for action.

Odai shifted uneasily. "I should go with you, and Maha can stay here."

You silenced him with a look, then took the gun from your locker, its cold weight in your hand grounding you with the resolve you needed. "I can handle it, Odai. Just watch over him and call me if anything changes."

Odai nodded reluctantly, his eyes flickering to the unconscious Rahim. And with that, you left, setting out with Maha, who looked more unnerved than usual, her hands twisting in her lap as you drove.

"What if… what if it’s related to the story I told you, ma’am?” Maha's voice was small, hesitant. “And from what you’ve told me about Rahim, and everything… what if Habib’s… possessed again? I warned you, didn’t I? It’s not right to get tangled with him, or that family. The way his brother insulted you…” Her hands clenched in her lap, remembering that day, the bitter words she still hadn’t forgotten.

“Maha, we talked about this.” You kept your voice calm, though tension simmered beneath. “Habib needs help. This… this might be something worse, yes. God, I have no idea what we’re going to find there or how deep this goes. But if this is connected to him, I’m stepping in, Basim’s objections be damned.”

Maha looked at you with renewed determination. Her gaze shifted to the gun secured in its holder beside you, her expression hardening with resolve.

“Yes, ma’am.”

═════ ◈ ═════

When you reached the house, the air was thick with an unsettling silence, the kind that seeped into your bones. There was something about it that felt wrong, like an invisible void, as if you had come to collect the fragments of something lost. The house, once a familiar place of comfort, now felt like a hollow shell. You shook off the feeling, attributing it to the paranoia caused by Rahim's cryptic behavior and the events of the night.

"Ma’am, he... he’s very sick. He wouldn’t stop saying your name..." Kadir's voice faltered as he stood beside Habib's bed. You looked down at the unconscious man, your grip tightening on his hand as his body trembled. His mouth was dry, letting out soft, pitiful whimpers that seemed to grow quieter, calmer, as if he found some semblance of peace in your presence.

"What did the doctor say?" You asked, keeping your voice steady, despite the deepening sense of dread gnawing at you.

"He has a high fever, and he's under extreme stress..." Kadir responded his voice a mixture of concern and exhaustion. You glanced at Dana, who was sitting beside Habib, her eyes filled with a motherly worry that was almost suffocating. She didn't need to say anything, her gaze spoke volumes, each one filled with unspoken fear and you couldn't take it anymore.

"I’ve had enough." You stood abruptly, your voice hardening with resolve. "I’m taking him with me. And nobody here is going to stop me." Your stance was unwavering, your eyes locked with Kadir's, whose face paled at the weight of your words.

Kadir seemed to hesitate, but the look in your eyes made it clear you wouldn't be moved. He nodded slowly, his expression resigned, knowing full well what you meant.

"I just..." you continued, turning your attention to them, "Do you both know where Rahim is?"

The couple exchanged a glance, confusion crossing their faces. "Rahim? He must be in his room... You want me to call him?" Dana’s voice was tentative, unsure of the sudden shift in the air.

"No, no." You cut her off. "He’s not in his room. He’s in my bungalow." You watched as realization hit them like a wave, their faces draining of color as you explained the strange events that had unfolded, the boy's frantic running, the collapse, and the chilling connection to Habib. Their expressions grew ashen, the weight of the situation settling over them like a suffocating fog.

Kadir blinked in disbelief, his voice a low whisper. "I better go... inform Basim of this."

"No." You turned, cutting him off once again, your tone sharp. "Not until I leave with Habib. I am not in the mood to deal with him right now. Trust me, you don’t want me to." Your eyes flickered to the unconscious figure of Habib, then back to Maya, your resolve unshakable.

Maya, who had been quietly observing the situation, nodded in agreement, her eyes meeting yours with understanding. She didn’t need to ask any more questions. The decision had already been made.

"In fact, you both are coming with me, I think... Rahim might not mind it." You said with a touch of certainty, even though your mind raced with the implications of the situation. The bruises you had seen on the child’s body were unmistakable, and they burned in your mind. You were certain they were from Basim. You had seen his cruelty before, and this was no different. A gut feeling told you the two were somehow connected, and the thought churned uneasily in your stomach.

"Um, yes, definitely." Kadir’s voice quivered slightly, his worry for his grandson and son making him agree without much resistance.

"Good," you responded briskly, trying to push the anxiety down.

The air between the five of you was tense, the weight of unspoken words hanging like a heavy cloud as you made your way back to the bungalow. Your eyes were drawn to Habib, his limp form resting against his father in the backseat, his chest rising and falling weakly. The image of him like that, vulnerable, fragile, almost lost, was a stain in your mind that wouldn't fade.

By the time you arrived at the bungalow, the place felt more like a sanctuary and a prison in equal measure. The heavy silence from earlier still clung to the house, but now you didn’t have time to dwell on it. Dr Ali was already there, pacing in front of the door, looking visibly tense. He was here to check on Rahim and Habib.

═════ ◈ ═════

it had been three days since the atmosphere in the bungalow had turned so heavy, each day thick with the silence of unspoken fears and unanswered questions. Habib, thank God, was showing signs of improvement, but he was still too weak, refusing to eat and constantly haunted by nightmares. The only time he seemed to find peace was when you were by his side. His vulnerability clung to you like a weight, and no matter how many times you tried to shake the unease off, it lingered.

In the other room, Rahim was still as quiet as ever. He hadn’t spoken a word since you brought him back, and every day that passed without him opening up felt like another failure, a missed opportunity to get to the root of whatever was haunting him. Still, his grandparents’ presence did seem to calm him in some way, though you couldn’t help but wonder if that was enough. You prayed for his voice every night, hoping he would say something, anything, to give you a clue about what he was going through.

Kadir had told you that Basim and his wife had gone to visit some relatives for a wedding, which felt... odd, to say the least. How could a wedding be more important than their son’s condition? And why hadn’t they been told about what was happening? Kadir, of course, insisted that it was better they didn’t know yet, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it. His reasoning didn’t sit right with you. And then, there was Samir and his family, who had moved out of the village with no warning. Something didn’t add up. Why would they leave so suddenly, just as things were escalating?

Maha’s voice broke through your thoughts, her tone tentative but insistent. "There is... I just... feel fishy, ma'am. I mean, all the Rahim fiasco and how Kadir insists on you marrying-"

You held up your hand, cutting her off, your voice steady but carrying a weight of finality. "It was my decision, Maha. I want it to be done."

"But, why, ma'am... why so fast? Shouldn't we wait for things to settle?"

You let out a slow breath, your fingers tracing the rim of your coffee cup as you gathered your thoughts. "Maha, I can't have some man in my bungalow..." You trailed off, hoping she understood the gravity of what you were saying. "Y'know, try to understand."

Maha was silent for a moment, her eyes dropping to the floor as she processed your words. Then, without a word, she nodded, her expression softening with understanding.

"I have... talked to my parents," you continued, your voice low but resolute. "And they agreed. Fortunately. Tomorrow, go find the cleric. Bring him, and in the afternoon, the ceremony has to be done with." Your parents were shocked to hear your sudden announcement but as you kept the details about the current situation mostly vague they agreed, somewhat happy and given our urgency they agreed to be on a video call during the ceremony. It was going to be a small one, Habib's parents, Rahim and you both.

"Yes, ma'am." Her tone was firm, her eyes momentarily drifting to the hallway. You followed her gaze, only to catch a glimpse of Rahim standing by the corner of the hallway before he quickly disappeared out of sight. You sat there for a moment, your heart thudding against your chest as you absorbed the subtle shift in the room

"Rahim..." You stood up, your mind heavy with worry, and moved toward the hallway. You quickly were on your feet and stalked in the direction, Maha, following behind.

With a gentle knock, you entered the room, your eyes falling on the boy sitting quietly on the bed. His back was turned, half of his body facing the door, but his posture was stiff, unnatural, like someone trying to brace against something they couldn’t see or understand. The atmosphere around him was thick with tension, his usual mischievous energy nowhere to be found.

"Um, Maha..." you said softly, and she nodded before stepping out of the room, leaving you alone with him.

You stepped forward slowly, the floor creaking faintly under your weight as you sat down beside him. For a long moment, you said nothing. It seemed there was nothing to say, no words that could bridge the silence between you both. You just sat there, letting your presence speak for itself.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, his voice broke the stillness, soft and hesitant. "You... are going to marry...?"

At first, you were unsure whether it was a question or a statement, the words hanging in the air like a fragile thread. You glanced at him, his face still angled down, avoiding your gaze, but the emptiness in his eyes struck you hard.

"Yes... I am... isn't that a good thing?" You gave him a soft smile, one that didn’t reach your heart, but you tried. Gently, you reached out and rubbed his back, trying to offer comfort, though you knew he wasn’t the same boy who had always bounced around, full of life and questions. "You getting this cool aunt." You chuckled to lighten the mood.

But his response was far from what you expected.

"Don't."

"You...don't...want me to marry Habib?" He stayed quiet. Once again.

"Rahim…" you whispered, though you knew he probably wasn’t listening. But you couldn’t stop yourself. "Talk to me, please."

"They...they...always...just didn't let me tell you. I wanted to." His leg started bouncing and you immediately held his hand, the other on his leg to calm him. "Take breaths, I am here, you are safe. No body is going to do anything. So, talk freely, and fully. Whoever it is about. Even if it's Habib, if he's done something to you, tell me that too. I won't say a word to you, or anyone about this to anyone. Even if it is about... the thing regarding your uncle being possessed and all...I know the story...Habib himself told me, so don't think of me as a stranger. Alright?"

He nodded and wiped a tear. He took moments to clam down and with a heavy breath continued. "My...uncle...he..." He breathed in a breath.

"Was never possessed."

“He’s known for his extraordinary beauty. I have not seen him myself though. So, up until he was about sixteen, everything seemed fine. But then, he suddenly vanished from his friends’ lives and stopped attending school. Despite the family’s best efforts to conceal the issue, it eventually came to light that he was... possessed."

"When I was younger—around sixteen—I... went through something. Something I can’t fully explain, even to this day."

"It was like... something else had control over me. I was sick...and I was dangerous. I hurt people--people I loved, hurt myself too. My family didn’t speak about it much after it was over. They believed it was better left forgotten. But I can’t forget. I’ve tried to move on, but..."

No...those...those are all stories? He gave you and himself to catch a breath then continued.

"When I was a child," he began, his voice barely above a whisper, "I thought...what everyone thought that...indeed Uncle was. He was praised for his beauty, and my dad... hated him for it. Every chance he got, he'd tear into him, beat him, humiliate him. It only made Uncle more closed off. He stopped going out, hid from everyone, saying he was cursed by his own looks." Rahim’s voice cracked, his gaze distant as if seeing those memories unfold all over again.

The words tumbled out of him, fast and desperate, as if he had held them in for too long. "He started saying someone was using black magic against him, someone in the family. And my dad, he... he enjoyed it. He fueled those fears and made Uncle believe he was haunted and cursed because he was angry at Uncle for rejecting my aunt's hand and just y'know jealous. Everyone around started to believe it too because he started to act...like...he was. It became this... rumour that swallowed him whole. Even the cleric knew it wasn’t true, he told everyone but no one listened. And my grandfather, even he started believing it."

Rahim’s shoulders shook, his hands clenching into fists as he struggled to contain his grief. "We live in a village where nobody talks about mental illness. People don’t understand, they don’t want to understand. They just accepted that something was wrong with him and left him to rot. But I knew… I knew it wasn’t magic. I researched on my own, in school, and I just can't figure out what's wrong with him but I know there is....there is something psychological. I wanted to help him, I tried to, but nobody would listen."

Tears streamed down his face now, his voice breaking as the words poured out like a dam finally bursting. "Dad would beat me whenever I tried to bring it up. And Grandfather who has always been helpless against my dad always said that he will be fine once he gets married… he just wants to marry Uncle off because he thinks marriage will fix him like that’s some kind of miracle cure. Especially getting him married to you.... someone of your status. But it’s all... it’s all bullshit! Marriage won’t solve anything! The medicines he takes are just mostly sleeping pills and--and some herbal stuff my grandfather gives him which are not what he needs! He needs a proper treatment...proper treatment."

Rahim’s outburst ended in a sob, his chest heaving as he broke down completely. He was no longer the reserved, cautious boy you knew, he was vulnerable, raw, and heartbroken, carrying the weight of years of pain and helplessness on his young shoulders.

"When you came here and even better, took interest in my Uncle, I thought that maybe marriage wouldn't be bad because he would be free and you would get him treated, I would tell you about it myself when the time is right. It was...about to happen but...again my Dad...he ruined it, I thought it was over, you were out of his life, but I still hoped, he loves you so much and I know you do too so...I was ready to help my uncle run away but.."

You were too shocked to even ask him why he had stopped speaking and simply let out a questioning hum.

"My mum and dad… they… they tried to…"

"Tried to what?" You were both startled by the sudden ringtone of your phone. Seeing Odai's name on the screen, you quickly answered, bracing yourself against the possibility of more bad news.

"Ma'am, I checked the footage from the village gate. Samir left last night with his family around 4 a.m. But Basim and his wife… they never actually left the village."

Your eyes widened. "What? Are you saying… they’re still here?"

"Yes, ma'am," Odai confirmed before you ended the call. You turned back to Rahim, whose face had gone pale, frozen in place as if dreading the implications of this revelation.

"Rahim…" you said slowly, your voice soft yet urging. "They tried to what? And… where are they?"

(AN: Did you guys expect that ʘ‿ʘ? Do comment and lemme know! Also, I know I should have mentioned it earlier but the story is set in 1990's due to which especially in the village people don't use much tech, like wifi and all cuz not everybody has computers etc that's why Rahim did whatever research he could in his school's library and computer.)

[heartlilith]

My Placements and How They Manifest

Capricorn Ascendent:

My mother told me that when she gave birth to me, it was worse than my other 3 other siblings by far. She had to be induced because there was no sign of me wanting to come out into the world (lol). She said she was in labor for hours and when I finally came out, she started hemorrhaging. It wasn't fatal obviously because she's alive today but yeah, I kind of associate that with my Capricorn rising. Still to this day, change is very uncomfortable for me especially if I have no control over what's happening. My childhood was great until my mom divorced my dad and remarried, that's when shit went south! I had new siblings, a stepfather, and had to see my dad heartbroken while also battling melanoma and being laid off (2008 recession). My sister stayed with him and I went with my mom. They were always fighting and spiting each other but it was my sister and I that missed out. It was always "what is your father saying about me?" yada yada yada. Growing up, I was bullied by my sister a lot, in my opinion, it was more than the usual sibling fights. My mom also took a lot of her anger out on me; she ended up getting a divorce not too long after remarrying, became an alcoholic and filed for bankruptcy. Being a Capricorn rising and dealing with the backlash of that, I always have money saved, ALWAYS. I'm like a squirrel hiding nuts I stg. If I'm completely broke I'm an anxious mess. It's also why I strive to be independent and self sufficient. It's why I manifest being filthy rich. High school was terrible tbh and I battled with depression and anxiety. College was a lot better and moving away from my mom and chaotic family did me well, I went from a 2.6 GPA in high school to 3.85 in college. Rereading this it sounds kinda like a sob story and that's not what I'm trying to accomplish so I'm just going to move on.

1st House Neptune, Uranus, Lilith:

I made a separate post either on here or Reddit about how my features have changed so much over the years. As a child, my hair was blonde then it turned blonde/red in late elementary school. Since then, it's turned darker and darker through the years. Now it's dark brown. My eyes were dark blue as a child and now they're light green - I attribute this to Uranus and Neptune being on my Ascendent. In my opinion, I'm not photogenic at all (Cap rising?) and I think I look different in every picture I take or is taken of me. With Lilith being in my first house, I was sexualized a lot growing up by older guys/men. And also bullied by boys my age; I remember they thought I was "too girly". Guys, I shit you not after I had enough of it, I started showing up with boy shorts and those tank tops guys wear HAHAHA to be more of a "tomboy"... I'm not really sure what that is but yeah, I must've been 10 or 12 or something. People would always say "it's because they have a crush on you/because they like you!" and I would be so confused. Nowadays, I think I rub some people, specifically men, the wrong way and they dislike me for "no reason", or maybe they have a reason but they never come out and say it. My Uranus in the 1st shows up as being quirky I guess? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's that my parents were never disciplinary at all, I could do whatever I wanted. At the time I loved it but deep down I think I wanted to them to care, so I would act more and more reckless. Today, maybe that sets me apart. One last thing about Neptune/Uranus in the 1st is that I can't stand to see people treating people/animals/or what have you, the wrong way. I can't even watch Youtube videos of animals starting off abused... even if the videos end with them being happy and healthy, I CAN'T DO IT. It deeply disturbs me.

Side Note (1st House Lilith):

As a small child I was obsessed with being naked all the time and skinny dipping LMFAO like it was a problem. Luckily there were no creeps and I was fine but would this placement indicate that in anyway? Let me know because it doesn't really fit with my Capricorn rising.

(I'm really sorry this post is so long and detailed I think I'm having word vomit)

Virgo Moon:

As a child I was really reserved and "chill". I already talked about my relationship with my mom and she was critical and whatever. One thing that sticks out about this placement is that she would always push the idea on me to "stay pure" and to "stay innocent", especially when I was a teen. Always pushing this on me. Always telling her friends I was "naive" and yeah maybe I was in a sense. I don't know it's weird how that fits. My mom wasn't all bad though. She definitely had many faults but she was a great mom in certain aspects. Growing up, I realized she's just a human like me, with problems of her own. I don’t hold it against her. Today, my Virgo moon makes me sooo anxious and worrisome. I definitely see the negative qualities it brings but the good qualities out weigh them. I love buying people gifts and I'm a great gift giver if I do say so myself. With my Capricorn rising and Virgo moon, I hate PDA and it can be hard for me to be lovey dovey (even with all my Leo), so I show love by buying gifts - kind of like my dad. My parents were never there for me emotionally but they bought me great gifts hahaha, I guess that's why. Also I tend to "mother" my partners; I do their laundry, do the cleaning, make their doctor appointments, and take care of them in a sense - like my mom did for me. Writing this out I can now see why I am the way I am lol.

Moon square Jupiter, Pluto, and Saturn:

Ooooff. Well I won't dive into it too much. I will say it affects my mental health greatly and I've had a lot of trouble in that department. My Moon square Jupiter really makes my moods go up and down. Like high highs and low lows for sure. I try to look at it positively even though it's hard sometimes. Having the high highs brings out my inner child (Jupiter in the 5th). When I'm happy I'm really happy and giggling and silly. And of course the flip side is low low :( But I like the high highs so I deal. Also with this, I tend to avoid being sad at all costs. All costs. I'm a true escape artist when it comes to emotions. With Pluto and Saturn squaring my Moon, I am infact a MOODY BITCH. LOL, hey at least I can admit it. It brings intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, insecurity, and guilt with it too - all that great stuff. Moving on.

Cancer Mercury:

I like my Cancer Mercury a lot, even though it's paired with my all my Leo placements which can make me a ~smidge~ dramatic. I wasn't the best student in high school but I did take the hardest English courses they offered, which in hindsight saved my GPA lol. In college, I studied English with a concentration in creative writing. I mostly wrote and studied poetry which I loved so much. I'm a great listener and if I could write an advice column I would. I love how my Cancer Mercury makes me empathetic and how I'm able to put myself in anyone's shoes. One negative about this placement is that I get hurt easily (paired with Leo Sun and Virgo Moon esp), but I won't let you know I'm hurt, I'll just get angry and mean. I don't like that about myself and I wish I was more vulnerable in that aspect but it's easier to be angry than sad... right?

Leo Venus and Mars:

After talking about all the above placements, my Leo side is definitely my ray of sunshine in a way. I feel like with my Virgo Moon and the aspects it makes, it kinda settles my Leo ego. That's not to say I don't have an ego, I definitely do... just look at this post it's all about meee :) I have pictures of when I was 3-6 years old and flexing my muscles hahaha and I thought I was so strong I would go around and show everyone that I could pick my mom and older sister up. So weird. Other than that, when I dislike someone I tend to go on rant for awhile about everything I dislike about them. My least favorite thing is when someone makes me feel inferior or small, that will put me on 10 easily. I don't get mad all that much, it takes a lot but when I do get mad, I see red. Maybe cause I have Mars at 0 degrees. I do get over things quickly though, emotionally anyway, but I do hold a grudge. Also yesss, I have Leo hair. It's long and thick and hard to manage. Growing up, my mom would never let me color or cut it and I'm kinda glad now looking back on it.

8th house Moon & Venus:

This is why I hold grudges hahaha. In my opinion, the 8th house can be hard to understand/put into words until you experience it (in synastry, transit, natal, etc), then you just know. With Venus here, every person I'm romantically involved with transforms me but also takes a piece of me as well. In my experience with the 8th house, you can gain a lot of good things but it comes with a price. Whether its a mix of my placements or just these placements specifically, love really hurts! Break ups have put me in dark dark places. When I do love someone, I want to merge with them, like become "one" if that makes sense. So when it comes to an end, I have a huge hole left. In my life, this has manifested as when I ran away from home to a different state and ghosted my family and friends just to get back together with my boyfriend, all on a whim. I'd give it all up for someone I love. With Virgo Moon being in my 8th house, my anxiety mixes with my obsessive behavior which manifests as dermotillamania. I struggle with it so bad. I'm working on it but yeah that's kinda interesting looking from an astrological sense. Moon in the 8th house gives me great intuition though... I'm always right about the vibes. But this comes at the cost of feeling things extremely deeply.

Scorpio MC:

This is another placement that I like about my chart because my Capricorn rising makes me come off as intimidating and my MC makes people see me as powerful and mysterious. I don't know if people actually see me this way but even it being a possibility gives me like Olivia Benson vibes. I love her. Anyway, one thing I will say is I don't have social media anymore and haven't for years (besides Tumblr and Reddit) because I really value my privacy. I don't like people knowing things about me unless I decide to share it with them, even small things. Tumblr and Reddit are okay in my mind because I don't know anyone in real life. But even this post I'm already thinking of deleting and I haven't even posted it yet lol. When I did have social media, I would overshare and then delete the post an hour later. I was always deleting pictures and revamping my aesthetic. I became obsessed with likes and comments and scrolling that it was too much and I didn't like the power it had over me. Something else that I think manifests from my MC is that I love psychology, astrology, and things that tie into personalities.

5th house Jupiter & Saturn:

It always confused me on how to interpret having Saturn, the planet of limitations and responsibility, and Jupiter, the planet of expansion and luck, in the same house. I thought that they canceled each other out in a way, or level each other out... is a better way of putting it.  I actually messaged @astrosky33 and asked how they interpret it. Her (?) answer was interesting and made a lot of sense. Jupiter and Saturn in the same house gives off both energies at the same time (why didn't I think of that? lol). So for the 5th house, in terms of my hypothetical kids, I would be a parent that has fun and is silly but also strict in some ways and responsible. One way Saturn in my 5th house manifests is that I don't want to do anything creative unless I feel it's productive in some way, which I don't like about myself. Meaning, I don't want to read a book if the genre is fantasy, I would rather read non-fiction or a self help book; something that I can learn from. Also, I really like hobbies where I can produce something, like making candles or making spell jars. If I can make money from a hobby that I love then even better. Jupiter in the 5th house manifests as being child-like and also loving kids. If things are going well and I'm happy, then I can be excited and goofy like a child. If things aren't going well, then I can throw a tantrum like a child. I love kids because my early childhood was the best time of my life before life hit me upside the head (lol). This past Halloween, I made goodie bags for the trick or treaters and got so excited when the doorbell rang. I don't know, I just want to protect kids and shield them from the bad in the world. Kids, out of everyone, deserve to be happy.

Sun sextile Jupiter:

Things tend to work out for me, well, as of lately anyway. I struggled a lot growing up and I was always wishing my life were different. I couldn't wait to leave home. Now, I have a boyfriend who I love very much and we live very comfortably. I have a great job and I am so much happier than I was before. Of course, life isn't always perfect and there are problems at every turn. I wish I could go back in time and tell 15 year old me that everything is going to be okay, more than okay actually. I have a dog and two kittens who I love very much and I'm very fortunate to have the life that I do. I try to stay positive because there's no point in being negative and sulking all the time. Plus, you never know what can happen so be thankful for what you have, even if in your eyes, it isn't enough. I believe in being nice to people, you never know how far one act of kindness can go. Lord knows I needed it during some pretty tough times in my life.

Venus square Saturn (TW: Eating disorder, drug use, phobias):

Going back to having fear of abandonment and being uncomfortable with PDA... well here is the culprit. Or some of the culprit. Since Venus is in my 8th house, I feel like this aspect plays into my fear of my family dying, more specifically, my parents. Whenever I visit home and I see they look a little older, move a little slower, I get really sad. Their birthdays are supposed to be for celebrating but I can't help but get sad. It takes over me and I obsess about what I'm going to do when the day comes and they're not here anymore. I put on a brave face though and I buy them nice gifts and send flowers on holidays... but it's always in the back of my mind. This aspect also manifests as having low self esteem and growing up this was very prevalent. I didn't care about myself at all; I did drugs, I put myself into bad situations that I get anxiety just thinking about what could've happened. I had an eating disorder, dated boys that were awful. I'm fortunate that I made it out okay. I still have insecurities today but during that time in my life it was so intense because even as a teen without this aspect, you deal with insecurities. It was like double trouble.  

If you read this far, thank you. I hope it was semi-interesting and Im really curious to know what you guys think. Should I make a part 2? I’m feeling a little “out there” by posting this so I hope it's not too much. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.

(let me know what you think!)

[chahnniesroom]

tenderness | chapter 10: and a time to heal

[noun] /ˈtendərnəs/

1. the quality of being gentle, kind, or loving

2. the feeling of pain, aching, or soreness

pairing: bang chan x female reader

summary: in a world where soulmates are rare and precious, you don’t know why the universe has decided to give you one. you never could have imagined that they would be an idol, and one that you worked with at that, or the challenges that would arise from your bond.

chapter word count: 3k

chapter warnings: lots of emotions happening

a/n: this chapter wraps up most of tenderness! i can't believe all that's left to post is bonus scene 3 and the epilogue :") thank you everyone for your support!!

previous chapter | masterlist | next chapter | read it on ao3

With Y/n settled at home, Chan is no longer allowed to avoid schedules anymore. In fact, it's almost the opposite since they've been forced to cram everything into the couple of weeks that they have left until they leave for the next leg of their tour. A few interviews were done without him and some schedules for individual members were pushed forward, but a significant portion of the promotions for their next album and partnerships with companies were just postponed.

JYPE never pressured Chan while he stayed with Y/n in the hospital, in fact they had been extremely supportive throughout this whole experience, but now there’s an unspoken expectation for business as usual. The first day back to work is the hardest, that’s no surprise, but he thought it’d get a lot easier, that he wouldn’t think of her every other second.

Although he hasn't mentioned anything, ever since Y/n has been back from the hospital, he's been suffering from some sort of separation anxiety. It takes the form of a low thrum of discomfort after he's been away from her for a while, the constant need to check his phone for texts or calls, and a feeling of restlessness as they get closer and closer to finishing schedules and going home. He's never spent so much time away from the studio without feeling guilty before. He’d like to attribute it to the soulmate bond, but he knows it’s more than that.

Chan just… misses her. Misses her warm smile, how she melts into him when he cards his fingers through her silky smooth hair, the soft press of her cheek against his shoulder when she falls asleep sitting beside him.

The only problem is that Chan still hasn’t talked to Y/n, hasn’t cleared things up, hasn’t confessed. There is still a tension that hangs in the air when they’re together and Chan knows he needs to. He knows. He just doesn’t know how to address it all. When it seems like the chasm between how he feels and how she thinks he feels is so large. He’s scared of messing it up and somehow making things even worse than they are now.

When he’s away, he is able to think up all these sorts of ways of opening up, but the second he sees Y/n, it’s like he can’t speak. It makes it even harder to be away from home.

Today is no different. Everyone is excited to eat and get changed, but Chan cannot wait to see Y/n again. They’re lucky that a schedule ending early gives them enough time to make it back to the dorms just before lunch because they were previously planning on eating on the go. The members crowd into the elevator and chatter away about what they're going to have for lunch. At the door, Minho spins around and hisses for everyone to be quiet before punching in the code. They want it to be a surprise visit, but don’t want to risk waking Y/n if she happens to be sleeping.

It's silent when the door opens, all the lights off, but the blinds are open to let sunlight through. Chan is the first to kick off his shoes and he beelines to his room, twisting the doorknob carefully to peek in. It's not completely dark, but enough that Chan has to squint and wait for his eyes to adjust before he realises the bed is empty and the covers neatly folded. He flicks on the light and can't stop his pulse from speeding up as he sees Y/n’s not around. When he steps back into the hallway, Changbin is right about to go into his room, but pauses.

"Is she still napping?" he whispers.

"No," Chan says, starting to feel unsteady. "She's not there. Is she in the-"

They both hear the shower turn on and the steady hum of the fan to prevent moisture from building up.

"That's Jisung," Changbin says slowly. They both know there is no way he would shower if Y/n was in there with him.

Together they walk to the kitchen, trying not to rush but failing. They startle Minho who is pulling out ingredients from the fridge.

"Where's the fire?" he jokes. "The food won't be ready for a while."

"You haven't seen Y/n?" Chan demands, even though he already knows the answer. The apartment isn't that big and they've covered half of it already. It is possible that Y/n is hiding out in Jisung or Hyunjin’s room, but Chan can’t think of a single reason why she would be. Suddenly feeling too hot and a bit claustrophobic, Chan has to tug off his hoodie and hat.

“No, I thought she was resting?” Minho drops what he’s holding onto the counter and leads Chan and Changbin in a quick search through the rest of the rooms, confirming that Y/n is nowhere to be seen. Along the way, the trio piques the attention of the rest of the members, including Jisung who is still showering and had screamed loudly when they swung the bathroom door open. They all crowd in the living room, and Chan finally remembers to try calling Y/n’s phone.

They wait with baited breath as Chan punches Y/n’s number in and it’s telling how stressed Chan must look when nobody teases him for how shaky his fingers are. The call has just begun to ring when they hear the corresponding chime of Y/n’s ringtone from somewhere in the room. They watch, dismayed, as Felix fishes her phone out from the corner of one of the couches.

Chan wants to throw up.

Something must show on his face because Seungmin takes hold of his shoulders and guides him to sit down.

“Hey, hey look at me.” Seungmin snaps his fingers and Chan jerks away. “Deep breaths. We’re going to find her. You can either stay here or come with me to the company.”

“I’ll go with you. I think I’ll go crazy if I’m stuck here waiting,” he admits. 

“Okay. We’ll go together. Where else do you think she could be?” Seungmin prompts him.

“Uhm.” Chan can’t think, or rather, he’s thinking too much to focus. He keeps spiralling, mind creating stories of Y/n collapsed on a sidewalk or a sasaeng making it into the building and somehow finding her.

“I’ll go with Hyunjin and check the nearby cafes and convenience stores,” Felix offers. “It’s lunchtime, she could have gone out to get some food.”

“Jisung and I can stay here. We’ll prepare lunch and let you know if she comes back,” Minho says.

“Do you think Changbin-hyung and I should go to the company too?” Jeongin asks. “The two of us can go through the building so that Seungmin-hyung and Chan-hyung can stay in the studio.”

Although he’s having a hard time contributing to the conversation, Chan doesn’t miss all the glances that are being sent his way. He wants to reassure everyone that they don’t have to take care of him, that they should focus on finding Y/n, but he’s comforted by the efficient way that Seungmin is leading the group and knows he doesn’t have the capacity to be included in the search.

“Okay. So Felix, Hyunjin look around the neighbourhood. Minho-hyung and Jisung stay here. Chan-hyung, Changbin-hyung, Jeongin, and I will go to the company,” Seungmin confirms. Everyone nods and grabs their things to leave. Minho heads back to the kitchen, but not before reminding each pair to bring masks and hats.

—

Once they arrive at the company, Seungmin immediately steers Chan towards his studio and sits him down in his chair, settling in front of him on the couch. Changbin and Jeongin have split up to search the building and Chan assumes that Seungmin is tasked with making sure that Chan doesn’t continue getting lost in a death spiral of thoughts. Judging from the concerned looks that he’s getting, even by random staff in the hallway, Chan’s not doing a good job of hiding his feelings.

"What's going on?" Seungmin says, head tilted slightly as he studies Chan. "I get it, you're worried, but there must be something else. You usually wouldn't freak out this much so quickly, hyung."

“What?” Chan laughs unconvincingly. “Nothing’s wrong. Other than the obvious fact that my soulmate was seriously injured and it’s my fault and now nobody knows where she is.”

In response, Seungmin just stares at Chan, who avoids his gaze. He’s always been one of the most perceptive members, even if he doesn’t always step in to interfere, and it’s clear that he sees right through Chan.

“Hyung, I know this isn’t just about not being able to find Y/n. You’ve been on edge since the hospital. In the beginning, it was understandable, but Y/n’s fine, the doctors said there was nothing to worry about, right?” Seungmin says after a moment.

“Right.”

“But you’ve been getting worse. There’s something more to it.”

“You’ve always been so smart, Seungminnie,” Chan sighs.

“Hyung,” Seungmin prompts him after he doesn’t continue.

“I said some things I didn’t mean. It hurt her and I didn’t know.” Chan shakes his head. “Or maybe I did know but I told myself that it was fine. I don’t even know why I said it, it just came out on its own. I was stressed, I was tired, but it isn’t an excuse. I feel like I’ve messed things up so much. I apologised the next day and she said that it was okay but it’s not. I think she actually believed the things that I said. I want to make things right, but I don’t know what I can do that would fix it.”

“It’s easy, hyung,” Seungmin says simply.

“Well, what should I do?”

“Just tell her. Tell her how you feel. Clear things up. Help her understand.”

There’s a quiet knock on the door and then Y/n peeks her head in, bringing the conversation to an end. Seeing the pair, she pushes the door open fully and steps inside. Relief crashes into Chan and he’s glad he’s already sitting because his legs feel weak.

 Seungmin takes that as a cue. He pats Chan on the shoulder encouragingly as he passes and slips out the door.

“What’s up? All Changbin said is that you were looking for me. Is something wrong?” Y/n asks, concerned.

“Y/n! What were you thinking?” All of Chan’s worry, stress, and fear bubble up, escaping as anger. He wasn’t expecting to yell, but it just comes out on its own. “What are you doing? Why are you here?”

He doesn’t register that he has stood up until he’s close enough that Y/n shifts, taking a step away. Ignoring the way that she stiffens, he grabs her shoulder and pulls her into his arms, leaning down to put his head on her shoulder. He immediately relaxes once he’s holding her and can feel the reassuring warmth of the Charge, anger rushing out of him as fast as it had come on.

“I was working,” she says, twisting slightly in an attempt to get away. Chan allows her to move back only so that he can cup her cheeks and smooths his hands down her arms, checking that she’s unharmed.

“Working- Y/n.” Chan wraps himself back around her, making sure to be careful of her still healing wound. He can’t stop his distress from leaking into his voice. “Don’t you know it’s not safe to be out yet? Your pictures, we couldn’t get all of them taken down. People know what you look like. And you should be resting.”

“I have a job, Chan-oppa. I can’t just not work. I've used up all my sick days already and there’s a lot that I’m not able to do from home. It’s okay, I wore a mask and was careful when I was taking the bus here.” She rests her hand on the top of Chan’s head reassuringly. There’s the tiniest bit of relief that he feels hearing that she’s dropped the formalities again, although it doesn’t ease the twisting of his stomach and the dread he feels thinking of her out in public.

“Don’t take the bus!” Chan says, sounding frantic. “Don’t walk! Don’t leave the dorms without someone else! Y/n, you know we’ve had problems with sasaengs knowing where we live or waiting outside the company. What if someone was there? What if they hurt you again?” The because of me is left unsaid, but they both know what he means. 

“Hey, hey.” Y/n combs through his hair soothingly, probably recognising now how serious this is for him. She tilts Chan’s face up to look at her and her eyes widen slightly. It’s only when her hands come up to cup his cheeks and her fingers gently swipe under his eyes that Chan realises he’s crying. He immediately tucks his face back into her neck, embarrassed. “It’s okay. I made it. I’m safe and you’re safe. You don’t have to worry about anything. Just stop and breathe with me for a second, okay?”

Chan doesn’t want to stop and breathe. He’s too busy thinking of how he felt on the car ride to the hospital, helpless to do anything except scroll endlessly through all the postings of people who had actually been there while he had been unaware of what had happened. He’s thinking of the conversation he overheard where Y/n had expressed her insecurities to Eunsung. He’s thinking of the lecture from Eunsung. He’s thinking of the warning he received from the doctor right before Y/n was released.

Suddenly, he can’t stand another moment without telling her how he feels. 

“You know I care about you, right?” Chan blurts out. Judging by the way that Y/n stills, hand frozen in his hair, she’s just as surprised to hear this as he is. When he doesn’t continue, she lets out an unconvincing huff of laughter.

“Yes, I know,” she says placatingly. Chan can tell she doesn’t quite believe him. He pulls back so that he is facing her fully.

“There are a lot of people that care about you,” Chan continues insistently. “Do you understand? I- I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you. I can’t bear it, the thought of you getting hurt again.” 

“Oppa, you don’t have to say this just because you think I want to hear it," she says, looking away. Now it’s Chan’s turn to reach up and cup Y/n’s face between his hands. They’re so close that he can see the moisture that’s starting to gather in her eyes. 

“I was out of my mind, not knowing where you were. The boys were worried too. Did you think that nobody cares what happens to you? We care- I care. A lot.”

“Channie-oppa,” Y/n says softly, “I know-”

“I’m sorry,” Chan interrupts. “I’m so sorry, I know that I messed up in more ways than one. I know that I hurt you. I- It’s tearing me up inside and I know that there’s nothing I can do to make up for the pain that I caused but I want to try. I really really lo- I really care about you.”

“I know you care,” Y/n repeats. They both ignore the word that Chan almost said. “Of course I do. You don’t have to say it because I see it in all the little things that you do. The way you introduced me to your family, how you always want to defend me from mine. When you carry me to bed after I fall asleep and make sure to do recordings or livestreams in other members’ rooms so that it doesn’t bother me. I know that you text me more than any other person you know. It’s just hard, sometimes. It feels surreal to be on the receiving end of so much… care. I don’t know what to do with it all.”

“If it’s ever too much, then let me know. But I will always always be here to remind you that you’re cared for. And that you’re worthy and deserving of that care. You make my life better, Y/n. You always have. I should have made that more obvious.”

“I-” Y/n reaches up to wipe away a tear that is slowly making its way down her cheek and laughs a little. “This is getting to be a bad habit, why am I always crying in here?”

Chan knows that Y/n is making a joke, but the truth behind her statement prevents him from laughing along. 

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

“You don’t have to keep apologising-”

“It’s not the studio that’s making you cry, Y/n. We both know it. It’s me.”

“Oppa, please don’t beat yourself up too much. This time is different anyway, these are happy tears and look- you’re crying too, that must mean it balances things out right? So I just have to make you cry one more time and then we’ll be even.” 

This time her comment works and Chan can’t stop a huff of laughter from escaping.

“There we go,” Y/n says, voice full of affection. “No more crying okay?”

“Okay.”

“I know this is going to be difficult. It-” Y/n pauses to take a deep breath. “It still hurts, I won’t lie. But this relationship, it requires effort from both of us and we’re both willing to put in the work. We can fix it together.”

Together.

Chan thinks that he can get used to the sound of that.

previous chapter | masterlist | next chapter | read it on ao3

[beesmygod]

UPDATE ABOUT HEALTH, COMIC, ETC.

SUMMARY: i am still doing the comic at the fullest speed i can, but ask for patience and understanding while i get myself under control. nothing is stopping, but update days might get skipped. if you donate to the patreon for "A Ghost Story" you are only charged for pages i make per month.

ok so. the thing is about whatever is wrong with me:

i legitimately cannot tell if i am malingering, imagining things, or becoming a victim of my own anxiety because the "symptoms" im experiencing are so stupid and nondescript that they could be a consequence of anything from my awful diet to my worse sleep to my lack of exercise to even just being an alive human being. i was (am?) pretty sure most people feel like i do on a day to day because we all live such dogshit lives that fatigue, pain and chronic sickness were just the factors that united us as humans one of these ambiguous symptoms is a rotten tooth sort of pain in my joints. i have always attributed this to being lazy and out of shape and experiencing a type of pain from underuse. it absolutely does not feel like pain from overexertion. it's a deep internal throbbing that is entirely tolerable, but chronic. imagine being at like a steady 3-4 on the pain scale all day. sometimes, it "flares up" and instead of just having one joint a day (usually my hip), multiple joints will hurt much worse at once for about a week. in the past i always thought i was swerving getting the flu and just got lucky. a lot.

bc the joint paint isnt dramatic it never occurred to me to like, look at the places that hurt until recently. are the places swollen? am i looking at natural asymmetry of the human body and ascribing too much significance to nerves misfiring? in my eyes these places are not as swollen later as they are in these photos. i circled the swollen places in some bc sometimes honestly i cannot tell if thats swelling. they are places that hurt at that time and looked weird enough to document.

the only one i know for sure was/is fucked up is my toe/s. which i cant post bc of internet perverts. but the big toe turned cherry red and bloated and ached weirdly under the toenail. but there's a bump on it i can feel that makes it go numb when i push on it. bonespur? who knows. as a kid, my knee once became so red hot and swollen that i was sent home but was told it was bursitis

ANYWAY: i hurt real bad right now, and the worst of this stuff is happening in my knuckles, wrist, and my toes. when its in my hips, knees, and back i couldnt give less of a shit bc those are easier to ignore than my fingers. this friday i ran a low grade fever, slept for 20 hours and threw up my only meal. the first images are from this weekend. i have a drs appointment tomorrow.

please bear with me. the only thing a web comic needs to do in order to maintain any kind of readership is be consistent, and it is making me insane with stress that i am not able to maintain what should be an incredibly easy schedule for an audience that have been giving me the gift of allowing me to entertain them for almost a decade. i am not losing steam, just falling apart lol.

[bisluthq]

I feel like we attribute medical diagnosis so easy now. And the way I have seen people talk about depression...as if people get better when they make an ""effort"" and that you should get up and get better so you don't hurt your partner. It's all just very...insensitive. You also don't diagnose depression just like that. Joe never hinted at having depression, just anxiety. And I think it's a bit dangerous inferring that just from Taylor's music when she equals being sad to depressed pretty often. We saw Joe going into his work and doing his thing. If he was depressed, it doesn't seem to have been in a non functional way, paralyzing way. It's not like he was in a cave isolating himself.

Maybe I'm projecting a bit, because I have struggled with general anxiety for years. I avoid places with crowds, I don't like public speaking, I immediately create the worse scenarios because I don't like feeling out of control of what might happen, I'm also constantly feeling panicked over things that I create in my head. It's a bit like living on edge. You never know when your mind is going to disrupt your peace.

I also have had periods where one would call depression episodes. But I never diagnosted myself with depression, because I feel like that's an actual very serious thing that lasts a long time and only a competent professional would be able to tell me if I am just a bit more moody and more sad than usual or it's actual a whole thing. Because it's normal to feel sad and maybe if you're more anxiety prone that sadness can still take you to dark places. Over the last few years, I started to have less of those episodes by my own accord and also not lasting as long so I'm inclined to believe I just am a bit more prone to mood swings.

My point is idk if we could or should label Joe as being depressive. We don't know how functional he was/is as a human being (we do know he was still filling his job obligations and wanting to work) and if he really was just deeply not well for months and months or he just had periods of time where he needed to be more alone and more introspective. Maybe he would get like that when he felt triggered by a certain event happening, maybe his sadness had specific causes. People are allowed to be sad about something happening to them and doesn't go away in a day or two. Or maybe you're just unhappy with aspects of your life and can't quite figure out how to deal with it. Being depressed isn't just being sad. It also involves a whole lot of real life consequences and disturbances.

this is what I’m saying. I’m sorry you struggle with GAD. I get anxious sometimes but I know I don’t have GAD and like my anxiety is a side effect of my tendency to get depressed (opposite to your thing) and I’ve recently been diagnosed with PDA so that too. Like I know I feel really bad that I’m letting friends and loved ones down but sometimes I’m just not able to function. On those occasions, all I want to do is lie in bed and fuck around on my phone and I’ll surface for like work obligations mostly but that’s about it. The rest of the time, when I’m in an episode, I’ll lie in bed or on the couch and I will drink because as my therapist says that’s my exit and then I have a reason to not do things because I’m yk drunk. And I’ll feel dreadful about the whole thing which can manifest as anxiety but the real problem is my mood and it’s a… serious problem. It’s not an “oh I’m so sad” thing like it’s a “if I’m not gonna get paid for it then I might as well not bother with today” thing. I don’t know that Joe has that problem lol - I tend to think he’s just stressy depressy, same as Taylor. And I think people throwing it around is mildly irresponsible.

I will also say again lots of people throw these things around like I said my bf said to me tonight like he thinks he’s maybe bipolar and I was like “lol why do you think that???” and he was like “idk I feel really good about life mostly and then you’ll do something to piss me off and I get in a mood” and I was like “okay so that’s called being a person?? Come the fuck on??” Again, I lived (as in my stepdad not a partner) with a bipolar person and that’s not how it was? It literally was highest highs ever followed by like him locking himself in their room and my mum having to sleep on the couch. It was dreadful. And like I don’t get the high highs but I do get the wanting to lock myself in my room things and it absolutely sucks but when I’m in that space like I legit just can’t deal with anything?? And I think people who don’t struggle with it just don’t understand.

it’s also like I’m in recovery for an ED as I’ve shared before and I’m actually quite good at that - the recovery part I mean - but when I say I can not eat for seven days+ I legit mean that. I don’t mean like orthorexic I only ate healthy foods like I mean like I can literally eat NOTHING and subsist of only Diet Coke and black coffee and white wine if I’m offered the latter. And cigarettes. Which is funny because when I was full blown ED I didn’t smoke but I’d eat like one sandwich or salad a week and exercise a ton and only consume Diet Coke and black coffee and at that point not even wine because it’s got too many calories but like vodka and diet soda water because that fucks me up so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway.

moral of the story is I’ve got serious fucking problems lol and I am sorry you have GAD and it sucks Taylor and Joe are stressy depressy but that’s not a real diagnosis like that’s just being a person.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

I'm so sorry to bother you. I don't know where else to go with this. Is there a name for when you have really bad eating disorder-like intrusive thoughts, but you've never acted on them long enough to qualify for an actual ED diagnosis? I've struggled with these thoughts most of my life, but I've never fully stopped eating. I've limited intake, but never for longer than a day at most (usually only half a day). I just wanted to know if there's a specific name for this experience, since I don't want to say I have an ED when I don't.

I'm glad you asked this, anon, even though I don't really have a definitive answer to give you. I think that if your intrusive thoughts cause you the similar distressing experiences that a lot of ED sufferers have, then it's not wrong for you to identify with the experiences you see mentioned on blogs like mine.

Most eating disorders are thought-based long before they manifest physically. That is, someone who severely restricts to lose weight will not have gotten to that point overnight. They will likely have long-held dissatisfaction with their body. They might have a strained relationship with food in their personal history. They might be comparing their bodies to others in their minds long before they start enacting restrictive behaviors. So the roots of the eating disorder were sown before the individual showed obvious signs.

But it sounds like you might be experiencing something a little different. You say that you're having intrusive thoughts about eating disorder behaviors, so it sounds like these behaviors are something you do not want, but the harder you try to get rid of them, the more they come into your mind. That's how intrusive thoughts typically work, anyway. Intrusive thoughts are basically your brain torturing you with horrible thoughts that are the opposite of what you'd want in real life. That's why they're intrusive. If that's the case, I'm wondering if you've ever experienced any trauma in your past, or been diagnosed with something like OCD or anxiety? Those are frequently accompanied by intrusive thoughts, and a therapist can help you develop a process for working through them.

The thing about an intrusive thought is that the harder you try to fight it, the more you're noticing, stressing, and fixating on it. So the best thing to do is notice the thought, acknowledge it, and then let it pass. Don't try to attribute morality to it, you're not a bad person for having it.

So are you experiencing intrusive thoughts, or is it more of a desire to restrict that you've been working on resisting? If it's the latter, maybe it would be accurate to say you have the beginnings of an eating disorder and need help preventing the urges from getting worse. But if it's more along the lines of intrusive thoughts, then I'd recommend you seek support for that instead.

In the end, only you can be the one to figure out what it is you're experiencing. It's okay if you don't have the correct label for it yet, and it's okay if you relate to numerous different experiences while finding advice to support your mental health. But just remember that if it's negatively affecting you, it's bad enough to count. Your experiences are valid, and it doesn't have to get worse to make you deserving of help and support.

[sisterssafespace]

@ the eating disorder anon,

Trigger warning: eating disorder, mental health if you don't feel comfortable reading this please skip.

Assalamualaikum beautiful soul 🤍

Can I first start by sending you a soft comforting hug? I want to let you know that I see you and I feel your pain, because I have been/ still am there and going through it, it is a journey of uphills and lows. That is why I can assure you the following: eating disorders are never about just the food. The issue is deeper than that. It's not about the way we eat or don't, it's not about the fact that we obsess over our weight, it is about the reason why we do so.

Here is what Orlando Recovery Center says about it on their website:

"Our society has become one that prides itself on body image and being thin. Everyday we are bombarded with ads for fad diets, fat burners and “get fit quick” methods, along with models and celebrities to compare ourselves with.

Almost everyone is conscientious of their weight to a degree. However, there are sadly some that take food and weight concerns to the extreme, easily developing eating disorders centered around unhealthy habits.

The most common eating disorders include anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder. All three of which occur when a person develops a distorted image of themselves, as well as a dangerous relationship with food. Unfortunately, eating disorders are about more than food and can have major psychological impacts.

The National Institute of Mental Health states that, “Researchers are finding that eating disorders are caused by a complex interaction of genetic, biological, psychological, and social factors.”

Typically, most think that an eating disorder is largely attributable to food and weight obsession. Conversely, those suffering from disorders around food usually begin on that path as a means to control or cope with devastating emotions and events that activate high stress levels. By controlling eating patterns, this can help an individual to feel more in control of his or her life in the short term. In the long term, these patterns can develop into destructive habits that wreak havoc on all areas of well-being.

While most are predisposed to personality traits and psychological dynamics that can contribute to the development of eating disorders, many people with these disorders suffer from low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy or helplessness, depression, anger, anxiety and body image issues."

Now, in your ask you did mention therapy and the fact that you have other issues, let me assure you that they are interrelated. If you were mentally and emotionally okay, there would have been no need for you to skip meals or weigh yourself so often.. Unfortunately though, I can not tell you how to overcome or fix this, because this is bigger than me, and bigger than you. To each one of us their own experience and their own relationship with food. Part of it, can even be genetic. We do carry more than our issues in our DNA. All I can do for you is tell you that I understand and that you are not alone in this. Please make it a priority to seek professional help. If there is a doctor or any medical figure at your school or uni you can talk to, please don't hesitate. If there's a green line you can call, I know a lot of countries have that like hotline available for mental health, please don't hesitate to make the call.

And please try to forgive yourself for whatever it is that's been eating you up, because you didn't know any better then.

Lastly, I would like to stress the point that Allah swt gave us this body as an amanah, something He swt entrusted us with and that we are supposed to take care of until we return it to Him. And He will ask us how good of a care we took. In Islam, we believe that a healthy diet and a healthy lifestyle is a must. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ in his sunnah did promote a lot of healthy ways to consume food. He said, "Nothing is worse than a person who fills his stomach. It should be enough for the son of Adam to have a few bites to satisfy his hunger. If he wishes more, it should be: One-third for his food, one-third for his liquids and one-third for his breath." And I know you're on the opposite end of that, in fact, you are not letting yourself eat but what about you try to apply this rule? Whenever your mind tries to convince you to skip a meal try to remember this Hadith and compromise. Tell your mind that you'll just eat one third of the food instead.

Another inspiration from the Quran that I want you to consider is how when sayyida Maryam (as) was in distress, she was having what she thought was the worst thing ever (when she was giving birth to Issa (as) and wished she would have died, Allah swt asked her to eat! In her worst state ever! He ordered her to eat! He swt said in Surat Maryam "So eat and drink, and put your heart at ease " [19:26]. I genuinely hope you take this verse to heart my dear.

May Allah swt ease your pain, ameen.

- A. Z. 🍃

[compassionatereminders]

Hey Kat, I hope you've been doing well and that you had a fun time in Japan!!

Unfortunately, I come to you with an issue I'm not really sure what to do with. There's no pressure to provide advice or anything if you feel you can't, this can just be an opportunity to vent. Also, apologies in advance for how long this ask is!

Over the past year, I've been really trying hard to be more open, to not just bury down my feelings like I usually do. Say, if something bothers me, where before I would just try to get over it, I'm more likely to try discussing it with anyone involved. Not in the sense that I'd hold a grudge against them— I'd just assume it was an issue with me, that I was just overreacting or something and that I just needed to get over it or not bring it up out of fear of making the other person feel bad. I also used to not set boundaries like I do now, out of not wanting to bother or inconvenience others, though some disrespect for myself probably contributed to that too. I know that openness and honesty are really important, even necessary, for healthy relationships, so I've been trying to hold true to that.

But it feels like that's been kind of backfiring or something? Like, idk, it feels like I'm just worrying my friends 24/7 now. They've said I'm not the same I was before, and that's true, but a big part of that is that I'm being more open and vulnerable now, but they seem to perceive it as my mental health being worse than before. To be fair, I was massively triggered regarding an eating disorder I struggled with years ago last fall, and I haven't really felt the same since, and I've felt particularly stressed with school and work in the past year, but there's more to it than that. They've said they worry about my symptoms worsening with awareness or looking into stuff (aka that I'm 'leaning into' a diagnosis as part of my identity), or that I'm attributing something I'm feeling or some aspect of who I am to one of my diagnoses when I shouldn't be

For example, I was diagnosed with autism this past year, and the psychologist called my case 'extremely minor,' and my friends say it seems that since the diagnosis it doesn't seem so 'minor' anymore (I don't like that phrasing, I much prefer 'high or low needs,' but I digress on that). I think it's just me finding an explanation for all these behaviours that've always been there, feeling more comfortable knowing myself better, embracing that part of me, and not masking as much. I told them about the masking aspect, and I think they get it now? But that's just one example of this concern they've brought up.

idk, I just feel like I'm feeling really awkward way more often now than before. Like my anxiety is worse BECAUSE I'm being more open and vulnerable, because I'm worrying about worrying my friends. I want to keep practicing this because I know that it's healthy in the long run, but it just feel like my relationships are getting worse. I'm constantly worried that something's wrong, that I've made them feel bad or awkward from something I've said, and there's more miscommunications than ever before.

idk, I just feel like a neurotic mess these days, you know? (Apologies if that wording was inappropriate— I've never heard of the term 'neurotic' being inappropriate, so if it is I'm sorry!!)

I think you should try to very clearly communicate that your new vulnerability is a sign that you're getting better - not worse. Because they may genuinely not realize that this change is actually progress - but if they're good friends, they'll listen when you explain it to them.

[puppytoast]

has @diurnalcritters helped alleviate the feeling of dissatisfaction you've had with art?

Sorry this is going to get long winded as you’ve struck a thing I’ve had to think a lot about the last year and a half so I have a lot to say LOL. DiurnalCritters is one thing in a long line of things to help me get back to normal, and even better as a person as a whole, after nerve damage I suffered last year.

The TL;DR answer is It’s definitely been one thing has helped yeah. It’s been fun, people enjoy them and send me very kind messages on and off Tumblr about them, and they help me overcome a bit of perfectionism I started developing recently since I have been able to draw more again, and thank you you and everyone that has been supporting me with it! I know it’s different from my usual content.

This is where I start rambling about where the feeling started and how I am still overcoming things in full, but it’s all pretty personal gushy stuff so no hard feelings if it’s not read but It’s been cathartic to write out:

 In early 2021 I suffered some minor nerve damage that caused me to not be able to draw for about 6 months and still to this day I occasionally get pain from it. According to clinical tests it healed well over a year ago, so i’ve attributed it to phantom pain and the majority of it just being in my head. It really only crops up when I think about it too much and when I am trying to force myself to work on things when i’m feeling particularly rusty that day, and it never gets worse even when I push through it. (I can feel it very minorly as I type this lol) I’m at the point where I have just considered it a traumatic experience that left me struggling to pick up drawing completely again despite desperately wanting to, because deep down I am afraid of not being able to do this anymore. It’s the thing I am most passionate about and enjoy doing, and makes up a huge portion of who I am and what I care about. So being faced with the very real “if you don’t let this heal, you could damage it further and never be able to work again” broke something in my brain and caused a lot of other unrelated problems as well.

Not being able to draw for a significant amount of time left me incredibly depressed and when I still couldn’t even come up with ideas and was still dealing with pain, despite being okayed that the nerve had been healed, that depression got even worse. I chalked a lot up to dissatisfaction and brainrot and not really knowing what was wrong and being very distressed about it all. I ended up having to seek therapy and that has been very helpful and has gotten me to get better at managing some personal issues and be able to handle this entire situation better. I’ve started expanding my horizons and going outside of my comfort zone on things like volunteering at the local zoo and finally being convinced to join a TTRPG game (maybe even a second one soon), which gave me Tetra, who I had and have clung to as an anchor and who has become immensely important to me as something I was able to be creative with even in a time where creativity simply refused to come to me. She is an extension of myself and has also helped me with other long standing social and anxiety issues I’ve had that it would be an entire other long post to ramble about so I’ll stop myself there lmao.

Managing a lot of other problems and experiencing new things has helped me get the creative streak back, and while I am still slower than I would like to be, it is definitely getting better, and the recognition of what is wrong and taking steps to work towards overcoming it does very much help. I started getting into a bit of a perfectionist streak with commissionwork causing it to take twice as long as I really like it to, and DiurnalCritters has also been a very good overcoming of that problem in the shape of making me have to just get something simple down without thinking about it too hard, and even with DiurnalCritters I do still have that problem on occasion, but it is also getting better as I remind myself to recognize when it’s happening and just get whatever down and move onto my day.

I’ve been drawing WAY more recently again, and I’m feeling the best I have in a long time about creating, and i’m just very glad because I was terrified I would never get back to this point again.

Thanks if you read this long self-reflection.

[mdhwrites]

Have you read The Raven & The Owlet? Very good very long Lilith & Luz fic by Soulfyre, Lumischa endgame

So I'm going to make this a sad one. I don't have to. My response could just be "Yay, Lumischa! But I haven't read it, sorry and it being long means I'm unlikely to get to it." But... I haven't properly finished a story in six years that wasn't my own. At least. And if that sounds insane to you, well... Have you ever read one of my blogs and just gone "Turn your brain off, Michael. Why can't you just sit back and enjoy?" And that's a fair response. Problem is my brain NEVER turns off. It never shuts up. It never has for my entire life and is probably something attributed to me being autistic. When I was young, books were actually somewhat of an escape from this. I could picture the worlds, get deeply invested and love what I read. I read so much that I often got told by teachers not to read and walk before proving that I was more aware of my surroundings than my peers because I learned how to read and walk. I did pretty well in Battle of the Books and acrewed a knowledge of writing from those years. Then when I was almost 18, I began writing and realized I loved it. It was my passion. At the same time, I was finally getting into fandom and enjoying the analyses videos put out by the brony community (MLP was my first and only other fandom I've truly been a part of besides TOH, take that as you will) and that fed my analytical side. Worse yet, reading takes time and I found I wanted to put that energy more into writing. And then came the coup de gra. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So now I had a brain that couldn't shut up, hated myself, worried about everything, and could never stop considering things from a partially analytical viewpoint. And writing was my passion and what I was honing my craft with. I don't watch much media. I watch streamers and let's players. I can't criticize unscripted content that is just a person. I hate media, I don't hate people. That's because I can't HANDLE media all the time. I tried getting into Wednesday and had to take multiple breaks because the show made me so upset. My lack of much to say critically about Amphibia besides it being very good is probably part of why I fail to connect to it as I did with TOH. And in general, it's just hard for me to enjoy most things and if that sounds miserable, I AGREE. And writing is where I'm most severe, especially now that I'm at a level where fan editors don't usually have anything useful to say about my works unless it's a blatant error that comes from my hands going too fast. I tried helping someone recently and took ten minutes getting through the first paragraph because I had so much to say about why I suggested minor shifts. I will find every little thing needling into my brain while reading something and while I can tell I've relaxed, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to work with another author on a project, that side of me is still there. And that amount of time and focus is deeply triggering for me. It's part of why I don't do self edits. I literally can't spare the time if I ever want to write. And none of this is happy. I don't like using this as an excuse. I want to be a part of writer communities. I want to help people take the same route I did in learning to write. To give back like others gave to me. I just... can't. Not without getting into a really bad mood or just having a complete mental breakdown. And I'm sorry about that because I'd love to be able to discuss and highlight fandom ideas and works here. It just isn't something that's going to happen until I have more peace in my own mind.

[graveyard-ripper]

delxsive​:

         ❝ the best in the world, both of you. ❞ ivory murmurs into dark hair, adjusting her position on her lover’s lap just so the bridge of her nose touches to misty rucker’s cheek. the act is as sweet as it is adoring, and of course, her mind has already begun to wander to the feeling of her partner’s naked flesh under her fingertips … after all, she hasn’t been able to touch much of her ( or be touched herself ) since the accident. but ivory grimes is not daft, and she realizes that intimacy had triggered a deep fear within her counterpart. it causes anxiety to spike in her chest, and her hands to enclose tighter around the woman she loves as though she may slip through her fingers again.

a kiss is placed on her lover’s cheek, then below her ear, the underside of her jaw, over a pulse point and across the pale skin of the woman’s neck ( as if john isn’t right across the kitchen, presumably gagging from the mere image of such devotion. ) ❝ you smell good, baby blue. ❞ she mutters in between chaste kisses ; that is to say, misty rucker smells EXACTLY the same way she always does, the scent that the scholar had ached for during her absence, when she would curl into herself on the couch with nothing but the embalmer’s used blanket and a bag of pills. the memory makes the scholar flinch, features burying back into ebony tresses.  ❝ i        uh, don’t feel so well. ❞

     fingertips touch just under the hem of her tank top, under loose fabric subtly untucked when the scholar shifted to better straddle her lap. the COLD raises goosebumps along her forearms, and it delights as much as it distresses. warmth and the beating of her heart swell within her chest; she looks to the kitchen, where john stands with his back turned and attention focused on making pancakes. thankfully so, because ivory persists with adoring kisses across warming skin, causing cerulean eyes to flutter closed.

     ❝ thank you, ❞ she whispers. the truth is, there are days when she misses touching ivory – when all she can think about is the imitable pleasure between them. then there are days when she is simply content to exist alongside her, and fear fills in the gaps – convincing her that the worst conceivable situations are inevitable. ( although, is there anything worse than what they’ve already been through? ) today, for reasons that may or may not be attributable to residual jealousy, she longs to feel physically – not necessarily sexually – close with her girlfriend. 

     ❝ hm? ❞ eyes open, and they connect that arduous comment with the pill bottles before them. fretting, as per usual, she asks, ❝ you are due for your medicine, aren’t you? is something particular bothering you? ❞ 

[tolkien-feels]

Feanorian Week Day 1: Maedhros

If you haven't seen me mention it - I'm not even tagging these because they will be extremely casual posts, but here's a headcanon for each prompt:

Kingship

Childhood

Maedhros is an unusually tactile elfling. He wants to take in his hands everything he finds interesting, and he's got favorite blankets before it should even be possible for him to differentiate between materials. As he grows up, this makes him a touchy-feely child in a way elves usually aren't. He mostly outgrows this, but in his childhood this is actually very useful for his parents. Even very young, Maedhros has a strong tendency to not speak up when he something is upsetting him, but Feanor and Nerdanel are both very aware that when Maedhros suddenly gets very cuddly for no apparent reason, something is Wrong.

There are ten thousand reasons why he gives up his crown. It is repayment of a debt he can't possibly ever settle, it is atonement, it is what he believes is right. But it's also the lesser of three evils. He can retain kingship as he recovers, and endanger his people because he's quite aware he's not in the headspace to be fighting Morgoth. He can allow Maglor to keep kingship, and just about advertise to the world he's unfit for leadership, as well as leave Maglor open for accusations of taking up power he should not have. Or he can yield to Fingolfin, and leave the door open for the union of the factions of the Noldor, which might help them in the long term, if not get the Silmarils, at least get revenge by defeating Morgoth. He's extremely aware he is betraying his father, and he's rule lawyering the hell out of Feanor's dying words, and no accusation by his brothers is worse than the things he's accusing himself of even as he speaks to Fingolfin.

Torture

Maedhros has a very, very hard time remembering what exactly he has and hasn't told Morgoth and his minions. (Not that Morgoth was after information, but two birds with a stone, right? If you're going to torture Feanor's son anyway you might as well see if he says anything useful.) After his rescue, wondering what exactly Morgoth knows and whether he will act on any of this intel is a major source of anxiety for Maedhros. In time this becomes an obsession with attempting to read Morgoth's mind, not too different from Denethor's obsession with Sauron's plans in LotR. Occasionally Maedhros even attributes to Morgoth knowledge he can't possibly have learned from Maedhros because Maedhros himself didn't have said information at the time, and nobody can tell whether this is just Maedhros acting on trauma or if Morgoth did something to his mind or spirit.

Adjusting/Coping

Maedhros never learns coping strategies as much as he sort of... doesn't allow himself to do anything but keep going. He basically represses as much as he can, and what he can't, he turns into rage on the battlefield. He doesn't give this too much thought, until Elrond and Elros enter his life. To be honest, he isn't sure if in this situation he's Fingon or Morgoth, savior or captor, but the boys are clearly terrified. Elrond at least accepts Maglor's comfort (though boy does it have Stockholm syndrome undertones), but Elros responds well to nothing until Maedhros takes him under his wing and begins to teach him how to rage his way out of fear, which is sure A Choice. Elros can barely lift a sword, but he already sleeps with a knife under his pillow, and Maedhros is in a downwards spiral of self-loathing for teaching Elros all the things he wishes he didn't know himself.

Unity

Growing up, Maedhros assumes his role as an adult will be to be his father's second-in-command, and that his father will never attain kingship. He also assumes he will be more useful as a generalist than specializing in anything, and he further assumes he will cover for the few things his father isn't good at, chief of which is building consensus even after persuasion fails. Obviously this isn't how it pans out, but after the Nolofinweans get the crown, this turns out to be a very valuable skillset. As a politician, Maedhros shines when the king requires him to figure out how to bring quarreling groups together, be it in large scale or just stubborn infighting. He knows exactly how to offer as little as possible to get back as much as possible. This particular skill is one of the reasons why when Fingon becomes high king, Maedhros functionally becomes his chief advisor, though they never make it an official role.

Beauty

Throughout the peaceful days in Valinor before Formenos, Maedhros considers his beauty to be almost akin to a craft. If he has been blessed with beauty which brings joy to Aman, he will hone it like any other of his gifts. It's not a matter of vanity, he needs no attention or compliments, but he does enjoy delighting people with his looks, so for events where he knows people will be looking at him, he carefully considers every element of his appearance. He's not striving to outshine anyone, but he does want to be pleasant to look at, much like a minstrel strives to be pleasant to listen to in performance. You could accurately say he subcreates his own appearance, seeing his own body and demeanor much in the same way his parents look at metal and gemstone, as quality raw materials to be transformed through talent and effort into something that increases the bliss of Valinor, even as subcreating is also a form of self-expression for them. (That gets so sad so fast once you get to Angband, so let's not.)

[series-and-movies]

Rafe Cameron - character analysis

(This post contains mentions of OBX s2 scenes, panic/anxiety, drugs and psychopathy. If you do not want/feel comfortable reading this, please don't! Also if you're anti rafe don't hate me please xoxo)

I've seen so many people call Rafe a psychopath/sociopath and honestly I don't think he is one. Other than the fact that psychopaths are rarely potrayed accurately in media and people not knowing the right terminology (even Drew himself has said that Rafe has psychopathic tendencies which, arguably, makes some sense). But from what I've seen so far, Rafe doesn't seem like a psychopath.

Why?

Because psychopaths feel no remorse or shame for their actions. Rafe has expressed those feelings multiple times, albeit not always verbally. He clearly feels regret for getting his family in this situation, and I don't believe that's just to please his dad.

Psychopaths also do not care about others and feel no connection to them, which leads to lying, manipulating, superficial charm to get what they want etc. Now, Rafe has lied a good few times, and definitely manipulates Barry to do shit for him in return for money. But he's not completely emotionless. He cares about his dad and Wheezie, he's often seen showing vulnerable emotions, which a psychopath would not do unless it gains them something. Also, his friendship with Kelce and Topper seemed genuine until he started losing it for real. The fact that he doesn't have many friends could also be due to his drug use, anxiety (being suspicious of others) or any other reason, and is not directly attributable to psychopathy.

They also generally do not learn from mistakes and do not have anxiety (although the latter is still controversial in current understandings of psychopathy). Clearly Rafe has some anxiety issues. Anytime he starts losing it (eg. s1 when Barry said he owned him now, s2 when he punched the wall in the island room) he starts breathing heavily, looking around sorta dazed/scared with those wide eyes, fidgets with his fingers. That to me seems like he's on the verge of a panic attack. And to dissolve that he starts screaming/punching things (or using drugs lol). Obviously that's bad coping, but it's not all violent tendencies. Also from season 2, clearly he's learned at least a bit from his mistakes.

Rafe truly believes he's doing the right thing. At least from his/his family's perspective, he tries to do the right thing. Now since his dad is Ward, clearly what benefits his family doesn't benefit everyone, but it seems like Rafe has a bit of tunnel vision in that sense. Even when he killed Peterkin, he immediately showed moral disengagement. Rafe STRUGGLES with the fact he killed someone. He doesn't ENJOY hurting others! He doesn't want to feel even worse about himself, so he tries to talk it right and make himself believe he did the right thing. Saying he saved his dad, saying Sarah was tearing their family apart. It's justifying behaviour to not feel miserable about his actions. A psychopath doesn't do this because they're so unemotional they don't even feel bad about what they did.

And lastly, (and i do truly hate myself for saying this), but usually psychopaths have a very prominiscious sex life. I know yall dirties wanna see Drew do a sex scene (mood.) but the fact that he doesn't seem to have any sort of sex/dating life seems contradictory to this.

The only reason rafe could be seen as a psychopath is because he truly believes the pogues deserve to get hurt, abuses drugs which occurs often in psychopaths and he's impulsive with little to no behavioural control. But these could be attributed to other issues as well.

Other than that, evidence of psychopathy is pretty much nonexistent. And it irks me that people call him a psychopath and think that therefore he does not deserve a redemption arc because 1. CLEARLY there is something wrong with him but it doesn't mean he can't grow and learn and heal? He's said multiple times that he needs and wants help, he wants to get clean, he didn't shoot the pogues when he had a chance to. He KNOWS something's wrong. He KNOWS he needs to change. Just because he's not capable of doing it on his own doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a redemption arc. OBX would be a real one if they show some good and realistic therapy scenes ! And 2. let's say he does show signs of psychopathy in s3, that still doesn't mean he can't get better? Psychopathy treatments are scarce and don't always work irl, but they're out there and it's worth a shot. I've seen people saying they want him to die, but if this were a real person, would you say the same? Even if he is a psychopath, he's still a victim of his circumstances, his environment, genetics and his dad. Take those factors out, would he not be capable of redemption?

Point being: Rafe is not a psychopath, he seems more anxious, possibly with vulnerable narcissistic tendencies, paranoid personality or psychosis, and severe attachment and drugs problems. He is not in itself a bad person, and for season 3 they need to give him a stable environment and hopefully give him some time/tools to heal. Lord knows he needs it.