getittogetherk

[getittogetherk]

Monday, November 11, 2024

Another very long lapse without writing, although there was a day that I sat down to write but none of my internet pages would work because somehow my clock wasn't right, and I guess i was unable to get it working because when i tried again today, there was still an error, but this time it was able to resolve itself.

things have felt odd. i was on a high after my birthday. i felt seen, understood, loved, cared for. i was reminded of friendships new and old. i feel renewed love and appreciation for people like amy and matt. i actually also saw the old venice group a few days ago and thought of how much i cared for and love patti and the other matt. but kelda mentioned that another part of this up ride has been anh, and meeting her, and spending so much time with her, and that little fire of desire and want flaring up again.

we've been spending a lot of time together lately. i think she's spent a total of four nights at my place (her on the bed, me on the couch), and there was one morning where i had gone to meet matt k for a morning hike and came back two hours later and i had left a post it about grabbing waffles later, and when i arrived, she was sitting cozily on the couch, wrapped in a throw, watching tv, and she had washed the dishes and neatly stacked them in the rack. she seemed comfortable, and there was something very familiar and nice about her being there, about someone being there when i came home, someone waiting for me, and i remembered what it was like to live with a partner, and i guess i had missed it.

of course with that comes all of the terror and the angst and the knowing that it isn't mutual and that despite the overall deep friendship and intimacy, there is no partnership that is being considered. she is straight. i am not. and she seems to have little to no interest in exploring that and i don't even know if i would want her to, knowing how hard it was for me and how hard it has been historically for people like me to have to confront the world with this.

it's a monday, veteran's day, and hence a holiday. this past weekend was packed. dunsmoor on friday for dinner with amy l, grace g, and grace h. i had somewhat been dreading this meeting with grace h, but i got very drunk and was able to be social and talkative although at some point the conversation turned to jadai and cooper which brought on the usual weeping. i started nodding off at the end of the night and knew i couldn't drive back home immediately, so after we said our goodbyes (only because it was almost 2am and the bar was closing), i took a frigid nap in the backseat before getting home a little after 3am.

the next day was a 9am vbas meeting, so i did not sleep enough, followed by brunch at huckleberry in santa monica, and then some general hangage at malex's, and then getting some pastries with patti and jeff at tartine, where i didn't eat or drink anything, but did get two fancy pastries for anh, and then drove to koreatown to hand them off to her. the rest of the day was bedrotting.

sunday morning was pickleball with matt and the ceo crew. matt came by at 7:15am and we met the group at about 7:30 in burbank and i played with matt, jeff c., and andy (joyce's husband), and we had some really good games and banter and i walked away feeling really good. once i got matt back to my place, he left, and then sook called and we ended up getting brunch at foxy's, which was also good, but i think around then i started getting self conscious about where i was with anh, and sent a jokey text to joyce that i don't think she responded well to, and then i got more self conscious and started spiraling, and i think the fact that i hadn't taken my meds the day before or that day yet exacerbated it. i didn't go to church, mainly because instead of a regular service there was going to be some sort of "community in the park" day with i guess a picnic atmosphere and discussion and processing about the recent election and general state of the world, and i didn't think i wanted that, so i had the brunch and then went to home depot for a bit, and then to the vbas to be door monitor, before going home, making some very unappetizing pasta, and then tossing and turning and looking desperately at my phone for something that would pique my interest, and not, and feeling very bad and sad and at some point came to two convictions: lose weight. distance myself from anh, as i could start to feel the tumult, the madness creep up again and i could feel it going out of control and affecting my day to day emotions.

also to prioritize health and especially sleeping more, because i know what an effect it has on my general well being and especially mood, and i can just feel that i've been off for the last couple weeks.

i want to turn a new leaf, again.

however, i am realizing that there are some new ... beginnings, some signs of health and normalcy and even ... improvement:

taking up some long-overdue cleaning projects: getting the bathroom re-painted and replacing the outdated fixtures such as towel racks, toilet paper rack, and vanity light. consolidating the fishing gear that has been scattered about the condo to one corner. handwashing the pillows and cushions for my loveseat. buying a new plant. listening to new music, specifically billy eilish. at least considering new and healthy recipes. moving my work station to my desk in my bedroom to clear up my dining room table.

other things i want to take on in the next few months: organizing my fishing closet, especially now that i've re-acquired my motor and associated gear from mike b. selling/giving away unused items. listing and selling my dad's photography equipment on offerup. seeing old friends more often such as sue and steven t. replanting some plants and also throwing away the dead ones.

i know i should be celebrating these new developments but i can feel i'm in a bit of a low place, but that's not to say i'll be here forever, and i can feel that this is temporary, and kelda and being more aware of my moods on a 1-10 scale and being mindful of what is contributing to my moods has been helpful in realizing that there are certain things that will improve my mood such as taking walks while listening to The Read, playing pickleball, seeing friends, and cleaning/organizing, as well as things that will make me feel bad, such as drinking too much and ruining the subsequent couple days, and speaking/texting too quickly trying to be funny when i realize after the fact that i've actually been offensive.

i do feel some growth, some improvement, etc., and i know i need to capitalize on this momentum, and as i've stated earlier, be aware that my down mood now is temporary and will lift once i have some positive and affirming experiences with friends and family, and get some much needed rest, so i will try to focus on these things in the coming days and weeks.

signing off, ghil

[getittogetherk]

October 6, 2024

Again, haven't written in a while. It's been just over a month, and also somewhat confusingly, i'm switching between this account and the other so the lapses in between entries look larger than they really are.

things feel better.

september i think was pretty good. i started making more relationships with people and work and have even started new "rounds", hitting up kiana, ahn, sook when she's there, michael c, fatima, and if she's there, brianne. i played pickleball about once a week, and for a couple consecutive fridays played at the la canada court.

for my birthday on the day itself (saturday), i met up with danielle and snicks at the hike behind jpl and we went for about a 2 hour walk, there and back, and snicks got to splash happily in the water, and it warmed my heart. afterward we had tacos and a strong margarita at home state like we'd done before, and my heart felt full. then i went home, cleaned some, and met up with some friends at ERB. matt k picked up me and jeanine, and we met tracy, ash, amy l, and later caroline, ahn, and much later, amir. we had nice chats and once people started going home, ahn, amy l, matt k, jb and i walked over to pizzanista and indulged in some delicious pizza before heading back. i had made sure the have like an aspirin before and hydrate so i didn't wake up with a hangover, fortunately.

portland was good. a lot of heavy food, walking around the neighborhoods which were weirdly empty, and a nice hike in a very green forest. oh also we went to mt rainier for a day and it was gorgeous. white-topped mountains (hard to tell if it was snow), trees, and little beautiful, clear lakes everywhere. the air smelled wonderful.

i was pretty upset and disappointed though, when i didn't get a call/text from nida and lorena. these are some of my favorite people and with whom i've had some of the most intense friendships with, and i felt abandoned and forgotten, and i had to keep reminding myself of the people who did remember, and who did come out, and not dwell on those who didn't. nida ended up calling me later, and left an apologetic voicemail, which eventually led to some passive-aggressive, long-repressed anger and hurt-filled texts, and finally an hour long crying conversation (obviously only me crying) in which we kind of resolved to try and keep in better touch and we have been since, and i felt this wonderful sense of peace and calm, like all of the resentment was gone and suddenly i had some peace and was able to not take it very personally that people had busy lives in which i could get displaced/forgotten for stretches.

i went to church this morning (where i cried, per uj), and will be going to conan's first birthday later this afternoon, at 5, at m grill, an ayce brazilian bbq, in koreatown. i'll be seeing some old faces: grace y, sue h, and vicky. i have some mixed feelings about vicky especially, but we'll see. caroline has been pretty persistent in me making up with her, saying she genuinely cares about me, and that was not a common thing to find in this world, and that she seems to have changed, matured, and gotten wiser, so i should hear her out and try to work things out. we'll see.

i'm resolving to journal more (yet again). i don't know why i'm so resistant to things that i know are good for me: journaling, reading, walking while listening to The Read. it's strange. i keep doing the things that suck my soul and rot my brain and body. must keep this momentum going.

[getittogetherk]

September 1, 2024

The first day of September, and a Sunday.

I'm not really sure why I haven't been journaling as much. I wonder if it's because life has calmed down somewhat. i currently have no crush, no awful work drama, and no dog to foster/dogsit.

this weekend (i'll start from yesterday) has been pretty chill but also pretty productive.

saturday, i met up with lana, sov, and matt k at a pickleball court in altadena. we were awful, me especially, but we had a good time playing pickleball. afterward, matt and i got brunch at a cute spot in altadena, and i went home for a bit before heading out again for volunteering at the VBA's, half poop patrol, and half socializing.

This morning church was out of session as it's Labor Day weekend and i met up at the VBAs again, this time to join the "Happy Tails" hike, where I carried water bottles, filled doggy water bowls, and scooped up 4 large poops. it was nice to be out hiking, taking in some Burbank views, chatting with people, and seeing how happy the dogs were to be out of the kennel.

the rest of today has so far been pretty chill. I did some dishes, took out some trash and recycling, put up the new blinds and threw out the old ones, and took out some of marilyn's yard waste. i also watched some Brooklyn 99, which has been really funny and I've found myself on two separate occasions literally booming with laughter, even though i only half-watch as I play dumb games on my phone at the same time.

other things that have brought me a sense of joy/peace: listening to music i liked earlier. a newfound "discovery" and appreciation of kim gun mo. back to listening to The Read podcast and during a walk, which I haven't taken in a long time. reading. currently reading Love in the Time of Cholera and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people alternately.

i just feel calmer, less desperate. i'm not texting grace y constantly to see how she is, in a sense, to see how "we" are. i don't go to BJ's as often to drink and stare at the waitress who i will never date or have anything to do with. i eat fewer pounds of pasta at one time, and today, i've eaten on fruit and am planning on eating another. i've also been very recently watching less Youtube, whereas before i watched for literal hours a day and would fall asleep to it, mostly the "downfalls" of celebrities, whether real or of the youtube/tiktok variety.

this friday-monday i'll be going to portland with lana, and my birthday will be later in the month. i have currently no plans but will likely get sushi with lana, and treat myself to a massage, especially as my left shoulder has been especially stiff.

things feel weird with lorena, grace y, and especially ant, and i'm just about completely estranged from grace h at this point, but it's fine. it's not pulling at me today, although it was about two days ago. i'm trying to separate myself a bit from my feelings, and trying to have it have less of an affect on me.

tomorrow is the labor day holiday. i'm supposed to take a morning walk with my mom, and then LD will come over with her dog and we'll make firestarters for camping and then hang out for a bit, as kaelynn is likely out of town, having just started a job that puts her every week in san francisco.

on occasional i also read a book about Borderline Personality disorder to learn more about it and hopefully pick up some tools to not let it control me.

things i want to look into more in lieu of endless youtube: pickleball: rules and techniques yelp: engaging enough to get 2024 elite status things to do in portland

hoping this feeling lasts.

[getittogetherk]

january 1, 2024

First day of the new year. January. 1. 2024. i wanted to start the year the way that i want to live the year. well-rested, not hungover, clean/showered, and with a bit of physical exercise and some reflection.

i actually need to go to my mom's in about 15 minutes for some traditional korean food, but i wanted to at least just sit down for a few minutes and be mindful and intentional to writing, reflecting, and journaling.

as i don't have a whole lot of time, i'd rather not rush but maybe just sort of outline the things i'd like to write about later, hopefully today. Reflections on the old year best moments worst moments achievements failures Resolutions for the new year Goals: physical - weight, liver, eating mental - novelty and stimulation, such as new experiences in travel, music, tv shows, restaurants and bars, lesbian events, reading, writing creative - Youtube? social - meeting new people, making time for old friends, public events psychological - more therapy, tracking progress of meds financial - saving money, learning about ROTH IRA's and possibly attending a retirement seminar. Creating a trust? service-oriented - Volunteering at a dog shelter and possibly 1-2 commitments: homeless, LTBTQIA, depression/mental health spiritual - church, spiritual study

Lessons Learned:

Who do I want to be?

What are my values?

How do I align myself with my values?

[getittogetherk]

November 12, 2023

Today was the first "better" day in a long time.

The last week I suppose was fairly typical. Staying in bed after my alarm would go off, staring into my phone, half working, and half staring at my phone, news, any news, celebrity news, huffington post personal stories, youtube topics that i don't really care for, but are there and have millions of views.

there is little difference between my time working and not working. i go from staring at my phone every other minute to just staring at it every minute, usually from bed. then i go over to the cluttered dining table where i clear a little spot, eat something unhealthy (these days: boxed kraft mac 'n cheese, ramen, or sujaebi), all while staring at my phone some more. i got a notification that my average screen time was over 10 hours last week.

a few updates: mom closed on her new place up the street, and last weekend cindy eemo and christina eemo flew over to help pack her up and move her in. that weekend i went to solvang overnight with lana and mirna for a nice dinner, wine tasting, a little indian casino, and a lot of just hanging out. when i came back, i took the eemos out to sushi gen saturday night, then to church on sunday morning, and then drove them to LAX monday evening.

last week was a pretty typical workweek. a few chores during my telework days, in office all day wednesday, no journaling, no reading, some intermittent messages with a lady on tinder. a lot of phone-staring, zombie scrolling, bed rotting.

this past weekend i had friday off and just slept for hours and hours. 12, per fitbit. and i made and ate just pounds and pounds of sujaebi.

on saturday i made some effort to clean as much as i could, as 1: i had planned to, and 2: rhiannon was going to come over and the place had gotten a bit out of hand. i was able to wash some dishes and pick up a few things, and then she came over, we walked for 1.5-2 hours at the gabrielino trail by jpl while we talked, then ate at roscoe's, then switched our trunk contents, emptying my many many moving boxes and swapping it with her drinks and snacks from one of her last work productions. she had wanted some help bouncing off ideas and listing pros and cons to figure out her next steps, as she had recently learned that she'd be losing her job by the end of the year, and she needed to line up things like: where to store her things, how to get out of her lease when her apartment mate was still on it, whether she could stay here intermittently if she had in-person interviews, what size of a storage unit she'd need. she ended up staying for quite a while, procrastinating, and instead mostly working on and finishing up the puzzle we had started some weeks earlier.

today was the first okay day in a long time. i wasn't desperately texting anyone who would listen. wasn't asking lana or danielle or amir what they were doing, what they're ever doing, if i can join, if i can just peripherally participate.

today i woke up at a reasonable time, did some chores, got out to the local church, New Abbey, cried, worshipped, prayed, held hands, and then went to Bea Bea's in burbank where i caught up with amy and cried just a little more. it was very good to see her. then to walmart where i picked up a few needed items (detergent, toilet paper, a clipboard, etc.) then a 45 minute walk, a shower, and a quick visit to my mom where we tried to figure out what kinds of repairs/services she'd be needing, i briefed her on my church experience, i ate dinner, and then came home.

i had a lot of coffee today, saw people who i loved and who loved me, and felt seen and accepted at church. i also got some very much needed exercise and started up with my lists again. weekly lists, monthly lists. little steps. daily outdoor excursions. one fruit/vegetable serving a day. more journaling. more reading. less screen time.

today felt hopeful. feeling grateful.

[getittogetherk]

August 12, 2022

Good .... afternoon! oh wow, i thought it was still morning.

Friday .... afternoon, apparently. I have had a 3 shot espresso can of coffee, and am on my second cup of hot coffee so the caffeine is really strongly coursing through my veins as we speak.

can’t believe i haven’t written in so long, although i suppose it makes sense. a couple weeks ago i was in Austin visiting alyson so i couldn’t really write, but i’m not sure what i did last weekend .... oh i know: friday morning: fished. friday afternoon: napped saturday morning: cleaned saturday afternoon: gomo’s bday at five star seafood 4-7 saturday evening: hung out with nida and fam in Rancho 8-12 sunday: slept in and cleaned so i guess it was a fairly productive weekend. it was really good to see nida and fam, and i ended up chatting with brea and hank most of the time, which was pretty nice, and i was in one of my funny/social/upper moods, so it was hopefully a good time for all (and hopefully i wasn’t “too much” but i think there were enough people so my mania might’ve watered down a bit).

work has been tough. i don’t know why but it’s been really hard to focus. i also haven’t been reading or jogging as much. i feel like i’ve lost a bit of focus. i think at least a part of it has been the weather. instead of the typical 4-5 day heat wave followed by a few days of respite, we’ve had pretty constant 90-100′ temps for like a straight months with no reprieve, and it’s started kinda messing with me. austin was just as hot if not hotter, and the only times it’s been at all cool has been in the condo which i keep at 76′ when i’m in here, and at the beach i fish at which is usually in the 60′s and feels cooler when i’m knee deep in the ocean water.

this weekend i’m actually going to fallbrook/san diego with grace kim and fam (her husband steve and daughter maddie). i checked the weather and it will also be in the 90′s there, but i’m hoping we’ll manage to stay cool with proximity to ocean/a/c.

but it’s been really hard to focus at work. i wonder if part of me is slightly checking out and starting to disengage from the burdens, knowing i’ll soon be rid of them, and part of me is panicking at the amount of work left/that i might possibly be leaving. and it’s just so hot and now i have very little supervision and i’m just feeling like there’s no air or room to breath (very dramatic i know.)

otherwise, things are going ok, i suppose. haven’t had much luck on the romantic front, and my one tinder match has stopped messaging me back, so ... boo. i’m still messaging Lo pretty regularly, but she’s made it at least somewhat clear that she either doesn’t want a relationship or she just doesn’t want one with me, haha. i’ve half jokingly asked her to move in with me and she’s said she wants to move to oregon, and can’t see herself with anybody, possibly ever, but in the next moment will tell me that she’s just downloaded a new dating app, Her, and have i tried it? so i know it’s ... personal lol. anyhoo, fine with me. i enjoy having her in my life, even if just peripherally, even if i’m not a main character in her’s.

i’ve made up somewhat with both amir, grace y, and grace h.  apparently grace h. stopped texting me back because when i once joked “new phone, who dis” she took it literally and figured i was the wrong number and the subsequent “hey” texts were spam (now cleared up.) i also messaged grace y and apologized for not being there for her more when her father in law was dying and not going to the funeral (which was a literal misunderstanding of prepositions), and i think we’re better. lastly, i cleared a few things up with Amir and though i don’t think we totally get each other or forgive each other, at least we’re not weird and he’ll still pick me up mc donald’s when he’s on his way to work.

this weekend: San Diego/Fallbrook with the Jacubowics!

what will be be doing? not terribly sure!

i think at some point we’ll be going to a park, maybe the beach, and for a five hour span i will be watching Maddie while the adults go to an adults-only wedding and i hope i make it out alive! i haven’t watched kids since i was in like high school watching my cousins but i’ve watched tons of dogs so hopefully i’ll be ok.

things i’m fairly excited about: Florida in September! September 7-13th! Fishing at Naples Pier! Charter Boat fishing with Lo and fam! Seeing Ant! Changing offices to downtown for the 9/80!

i think next week the temp will cool down a couple degrees, and in a couple weeks i’ll be downtown and in a few more i’ll be in florida, so. lots to look forward to. grateful.

[getittogetherk]

May 29, 2022

So, fortunately, at least some of the sadness was PMS sadness. i started my period yesterday and am feeling somewhat better today. friday and saturday (yesterday and the day before yesterday), i was up before dawn, and went fishing.

friday, i got up super early, and was at rincon by 6:30 i think. fished for several hours without a bite until i harvested some fresh mussels and finally got two perch. however, i was miserable for most of the time, wet, cold, and it barely got over 60′ and at some point was even sprinkling. i was rethinking how this was my “ideal day” but am glad it was salvaged with the two perch the next day. i returned home, ate a shrimp burrito that i ordered from rubios, and stayed in bed, cold and shivering til the next day.

in which i decided to do it all again! but this time bring c! i swung by at picked her up at 5:15 (was supposed to be 5 but she fell accidentally fell asleep.) first we swing by malibu, but the seaweed was intrusive so we went back to rincon where we didn’t get anything for hours until randomly c hooked up on a perch and a small leopard shark. we went back to malibu for some fresh seafood lunch (delicious fish ‘n chips and some of the best clam chowder i’ve had in a while,), some gas station modelos, and then went back home. i was again exhausted, and after a quick rinse, crawled into bed for the rest of the day.

today has been much better. after some 12 hours of sleeping/rest, i felt somewhat rested, and have done a bunch of chores/cleaning, and consumed three cups of coffee. i talked to my mom, ran the vacuum, washed the dishes twice, wrote matt and xio a card, brought in some fishing stuff from my car, read a bit, and now am journaling a bit, so i feel a bit back into the swing of things.

also, i’m back in contact with Lo, though with much fewer and lower expectations than before. we’ll message each other now and then and comment on each other’s instagram, but not much else. i think she’s trying to move to portland again so i might see her in LA, but we’ll see. trying not to hold out too much hope where hope is not due.

today is matt and xio’s birthday party at their place. i plan on bringing over some hitching post wine. hopefully it’ll be a fun time.

[getittogetherk]

April 8, 2022

Mmm, a little surprised. pretty sure i had written something in between these entries, and maybe didn’t save it?

but i thought i had said more, about cooper leaving, about how different it was without cooper, etc. but. anyhoo.

current state: 9:08 p.m. 80′. short heat wave. sweating. drinking that stupid fucking VILLON cognac that rey at recommended, that i bought on the hopes she’d come here and we could drink it together but you know what it SUCKS it’s too sweet and syrupy and my bad for trusting the taste of a 27 year old.

that being said. i’m in love.

her name is lorena. toledo. she is a 26 year old flight attendant living in miami. she is either getting or has attained her pilot’s license, though i think it’s for small planes and not commercial. she is the most beautiful person i have ever met or seen in real life. 

last thursday i went to a “hidden hearts” lesbian night at bar flores, which started at 8:00 p.m., but i got there a little earlier, maybe at 7:30ish p.m. and secured a nice seat at the bar. within 15 minutes or so, she walked in and sat at the open seat next to me, and ordered a michelado/a, while i was one my likely second or third mezcal margarita, for which i was under the (incorrect) understanding was $8 on weekends. (i believe in actuality they were either $12 or $14 dollars oops, for by the end of the night, i had ordered five (5) of them. 

we had some casual chitchat, about the food, about what we were ordering, etc. my food was supposed to be ready at 8:05p.m. but i didn’t get a notification, and though she ordered later, she got her food before, etc., i complained/whined. the more i spoke with her, the more i realized how crushingly, devastatingly beautiful and funny she was. she had the most gorgeous smile that would spread from almost ear to ear in a decidedly not goofy or stupid way, but in the most heart warming way i had ever seen. she wore maybe red pants with a thick black stripe down them, something very HBO “euphoria”-like, but maybe then again, just what “kids these days” are wearing, since i have no fucking clue, as a pushing-40 County cubicle drone WTACTUALFUCK).

pretty soon, we were “vibing” if that’s what the kids call it, and she wanted to go out and look for the “hidden hearts” stickers that indicate your “status”, which could be open, closed/taken, healing, or “none of the above.” we both opted for “open,” and she was soon swept up by various crowds, drawn to her gorgeousness, and she spent some time outside with a group of basic white lesbian bitches, and also with a less basic asian bitch who looked like a funnier, more confident 10-year younger version of me, and they were “vibing” too. i spoke to the younger-version-of0me’s friend, and we agreed they were “vibing”, at which i got suddenly very upset, feeling very rejected/dejected, and decided to leave. she thought i was kidding but no i was not kidding. lorena came by and said she’d get me a drink and approached the bar, but so did i, and i asked to close out my tab and i drove back home, angry/sad, and cried in bed, thinking that i must be too weak/too sad/too vulnerable to actually go out, since i was taking to rejection so badly.

the next day, i went to go hang with amir and his nephews (and mike b.) and we went fishing and i decided to go look for her on instagram. i found her, she eventually followed me, and i was able to message her, and now, every few days, i message her a gazillion times, and she messages me for a few minutes, and then goes silent for a couple days. i think sometimes she’s working, and sometimes she’s tending to feral kittens she finds and takes in because .... that’s what she did the last time because she is less a real person than a sort of imagined dream of a human that i dreamed up one day.  and most of the time she doesn’t care about who i am or what i’m doing because she’s a hot, lesbian 26-year old flight attendant/pilot in miami with lots of options.

i’m on the tinder and i’m looking for matches but i am head over heels for this girl. her smile, her skin tone, her everything, i am whipped whipped whipped, to an extent that scares me, i am raw meat in a rabid dogs mouth, and i know it will be a rollercoaster that will drop me and i wish i had more wherewithal to stop it but i know myself enough to know that i won’t. i want to say “i can’t stop it.” but i will be told/reminded, that it’s not that i can’t, it’s that i won’t.

this is DJ part II. this is my throwing myself at someone, giving everything i am, subsisting on leftover secondhand scraps, until i get so hurt, i have to move on.

drunk. needing something. checked uber for various things. might be leaving soon. will update should that be the case, or otherwise.

[getittogetherk]

April 3, 2022

Good morning! 8:30 a.m. on a sunday morning. listening to country music, per new uj.

jadai finally picked up cooper last tuesday. tuesday, not the sunday that was promised, and there was much anger, frustration, many tears shed, and finally some speaking up how i felt about the situation. it’s interesting how much of my energy it took up while it was happening, but now i don’t really even have much of the energy to really describe how it went down. funny how life and time works that way.

sunday morning and i’m sipping my coffee, and the place is fairly clean, and there’s only a few chores i have to do, and i’m watching a movie with anjali in the early afternoon. i met a girl last thursday. so beautiful. a flight attendang/pilot-in-training from miami. stunning. she sat next to me at Bar Flores on a lesbian themed night and we got to talking. i bought her a couple mezcal margaritas and got flirty. unfortunately at some point she started talking to other people as well and i suddenly felt discouraged and rejected and very abruptly went home without saying bye. the next morning, i realized the folly of my ways and found her on instagram and we’ve messaged a few times since. she says she’ll let me know the next time she’s in LA and i’m already making plans, and thinking of washing the car, especially cleaning out the interior so it’s drive-worthy.

i read this morning, and i also put on the face mask that i wasn’t able to last night. things, again, feel calmer, more predictable, borderline manageable (knock on wood.)

i really need to (again) work on my weight management/loss. i’m certainly doing more healthy things, like doing a 12 minute yoga stretch morning session yesterday, and stopping myself from eating 1/2 a box of pasta and only eating 1/3. i’m reading more, writing more, and reaching out more to friends. i just need to get to a weight that i feel comfortable with now. no problem!

i hurt my ankle a couple weeks ago, which literally and figuratively exacerbated the situation with cooper, but it feels almost 90% now. so. progress. improvement. afraid to feel hopeful, but getting there.

[getittogetherk]

February 13, 2022

Superbowl Sunday! LA Rams at home! Things!

I posted up my fishing youtube video yesterday and so far have gotten pretty good feedback and a decent number of views. i’m hoping that surf fishing will get me more views than freshwater fishing; i’m hoping there’s a wider audience out there.

i also posted up on my other youtube channel a sort of update on my mental wellbeing; it’s not much better, but I think it gives me, like this journal, an opportunity to pause and reassess, which is always good.

i really want to focus on weight loss. i will catch an occasional glimpse of myself in a mirrored wall while walking doggy and be alarmed at how short and fat my reflection is. the madewell shirts i’ve fairly newly purchased are of a different cut, shorter, boxier, and slightly flare out at the bottoms which is extremely unflattering, but also makes me more aware of my shortcomings, so perhaps i should continue to wear them as a reminder. 

i counted calories yesterday and was at a huge deficit until i went out and ate a crazy amount of chinese “hot pot” with vicky yesterday. still, i probably came out short for the day, which is a good way to do it.

it’s always the same damn refrain: eat healthier, lose weight, journal more, read more.

i don’t know why this is so hard for me, but when i slip up, i really slip, and so it’s this Sisyphean challenge, but i suppose the alternative is giving up, which is no alternative at all.

sigh.

doggy needs to go out.

go Rams! will be semi-watching the game at Lana’s today. will be good to have some company.

[getittogetherk]

august 7th

hello blog.

my i’ve been productive lately.

so i’ve been ketoing it, counting calories, bulletproof coffeeing in the morning, and taking extra walks to 1)get a minimum of 15,000 steps a day and 2)try to burn up to/around 500 more calories than i take in.

so that’s occupied a lot of my time and my space, walking, usually to Brand Park in the afternoons, sometimes to the local trader joe’s, listening to the Bulletproof radio podcasts, and checking my steps, my heart rate, my caloric input and output.  i’m also making breakfast in the mornings, and typically my lunches the night before.  i had a week of steak and mushrooms, a week of broccoli and chicken sausage, and a typical breakfast is bulletproof coffee, two eggs with cheese and green sauce, and dinner is a few pieces of tofu or a Quest protein bar.  i’ve lost over 10 pounds but still have 20 to go just to get to my January 2016 weight which i still find rather shocking.

so yhea, things have been productive.

let’s see, i don’t remember what i did friday, but saturday i slept a lot, then cleaned from 2:30-5:30 then had c, e, and g come over and we drove to TFK dumpling factory, gorged on georgian dumplings, then came back to my place where we watched three episodes of The Great British Baking show which was a lot of fun.  they ended up leaving around 12:30 and it was good times.

sunday i slept a lot of the day but then woke up and actually went to church!  that was good.  and then i spent a good chunk of time cleaning the hair out of the tub drain and trying to figure out how to make the stopper work, took off the cap, watched some youtube videos, and realized i needed a much longer and wider flat head screwdriver to get out the stopper piece, and gave up

i’ve been cleaning more, and most of my dishes are washed, and just today for example i washed the dishes, sponged off the kitchen sink, swiffered the hardwood floor, mopped the living room, patched a hole in the bathroom wall where the toilet paper roll thing broke and crumbled off, washed, dried, and folded two loads of laundry, and walked to trader joe’s for a week’s worth of groceries, then went to ralphs looking for chicharrones and jello pudding cups but couldn’t find any.  boo.  but damn, that was like non stop working from 4:30-7:30.

at work too i filed like 50 documents that needed filing and i saw more of my desk today than i’ve probably seen in like a year.  i spend the last 30 minutes of each recent day tidying up and wiping down the visible surfaces with some environmentally all purpose cleaner and push my chair in before grabbing my bag and swinging out.  i feel more purposeful and less guilty when i put in a good hard day’s work.

i feel pretty good these days.  i’m so appreciative of my friends, so much more than i typically am, and i feel more .... at ease with them.  i’m just so damn grateful that they’re around.  i dunno.

but i’ve been having bad days too.  thursday i wasn’t feeling well but went to a work happy hour, drank three whiskeys even know i promised myself i’d only have two, then went to another bar where i had the worst whiskey i’ve ever tasted, Beam 8 Star, and regretted everything.  i had previously been speaking to a one-on-one mentor pairer for my church and had broken into tears and so was feeling particularly vulnerable.  friday i was rather self-loathing and wept bitterly while speaking to my dear friend lido.  it’s a roller coaster certainly.  

but oh well.  bills are paid, paychecks come in regularly, and i have The Broad tomorrow with my parents and Syracuse in a week for fishing and hang time with my aunt, so ... can’t be too glum.  

[getittogetherk]

july 28

writing pretty regularly now! yay!

today’s friday, my RDO.  one of my resolutions after learning of my stunning weight gain was to not sleep 14 hours a day on my days off and so i’ve been up and about more so than usual, figuring burning those extra 1,000 or so calories will really help with this weight loss thing.

the last few days have been pretty good.  i took tuesday off to go fishing with vicky and she came over around 7, we cooked a nice keto breakfast of eggs, cheese, and avocado, and then headed over to lake gregory in crestline.  after picking up snacks and stuff we spent a few hours on the shoreline, catching baby bass, one rainbow trout (me) and one mysterious grouper-like fish (also me).  it was pretty fun.  after icing up said trout, we went to echo park lake where we caught some bluegill and vicky caught a decent sized bass and then, tired, hot, dehydrated, dirty, and mildly famished, we went to damon’s and gorged on some prime rib.  the day ended with some restorative yoga taught by vicky and implemented on myself.  it was a good day, a full day, with breakthroughs and insights and confessions and acceptance, and i was very grateful to her by the end of the day, and very grateful to my other friends as well.  

wednesday was pretty uneventful and after work met up with caroline. we had some whiskey then walked over to in n out where we ate protein style double doubles which were delicious and keto/low carb and only about 520 calories.  i could eat that everyday.  i really could, literally, on this diet, which is nice.  such a tasty treat.  i think i’ll eat in n out once a week.  anyhoo we also had a very pleasant chat and she was also very pleasant about things and i was very grateful for her as well.  

thursday i had to sit at the public counter desk downtown where i was unable to be helpful to the vast majority of taxpayers who had questions and i felt pretty bad about it.  but oh well, 4 hours and 17 minutes later i was relieved and spent most of the rest of the day chatting with danielle about her boyfriend and then the day was pretty much over and i went home, ate a string cheese and 9 chicharones, went for a walk, listened to a bulletproof radio podcast on the psychology of fat and eating, showered, then settled down for an always entertaining episode of Orphan Black.

so it was a good week.  i wish i had gotten some more work down but i was distracted and my mind was in a million places and it was really hard to focus at my messy desk.  but my home and social life was good.  which was nice.

and today i felt the freedom and peace of mind to do a few chores in the morning and then have this leisurely cup of coffee while i journalled.  it seemed like it would be a nice idea and it is turning out to be.  there is more traffic in the morning, more whizzing by of cars and heavier pedestrian foot traffic so it’s not as tranquil but it’s fine too, in its own, bustling workday way.

i’m meeting my mom at 1 today, picking her up at work and hanging out.  there’s nothing too set in our agenda except for a massage in pasadena, and possibly some shopping at nordstrom rack.  since i’m trying to lose weight i don’t want to buy too many new clothes for this current body but my mom has been on me about getting some new clothes so maybe i’ll get one or two things.  i’m only shedding 2-5 lbs a week anyway.  maybe we can watch a movie.  hm.  

saturday should be interesting.  i might fish a bit and/or swing by my friend steven’s place to pick up an outdated game console so i can play some iteration of rock band/guitar hero at home but my main agenda item is to go to my friend linda’s and then go to her friend’s board game night.  i like linda and i like board games and linda rarely mixes groups of friends so i’m curious about what this crowd will be like and it’s been so long since i’ve been around a new group of people that i’m almost nervous about it.  i hope i ‘do’ well.  

otherwise i’m pretty grateful for some of the things in my life, for the slowness of it, for the ease of it.  for parents who are fond of me, for friends who accept me, for a job that doesn’t fire me, and for this condo that is helping me exercise cleanliness, taste, and practice minimalism in my own way.  i feel moderately more peaceful than usual, which is a good thing.  

i remember for over a year i had the hardest time sitting/lying down, and being able to commit to something other than staring at my phone, and now i’m into a TV show, and i find myself picking through my magazines, and curious about what books i’ve yet to finish on my bookshelf, knowing i should read those before buying more, and feeling that slight impulse to read is a newer recent feeling that i’d like to explore.  

anyway, hoping the tumblr universe is doing well, as are my few readers.  hello there and thank you as always, cherished friends.

[getittogetherk]

july 23

hoping to make writing more regularly a .... more regular thing.  as per usual.

so i enjoyed yesterday’s little writing session although i had a horrible sleep afterward.  i’m saying that not that i thought the two were necessarily correlated, but i used to think that if i had a good think and a good debrief that this form of communication was cathartic enough to empty myself as to allow myself a very nice deep sleep, but such was not the case last night, which was disappointing, but i think it might be that i’m feeling the effects of a diet change and a medication change and also maybe because i had slept some 12 hours the night prior.

anyhoo.

so today was a pretty good day.  was a bit rushed in the morning and couldn’t have my coffee and reflection time as i was picking up my bud sue so that we could check out a local church and then go to the nearby spitz where i had to sadly pick out all the lavash strips and other carb bombs from my food and found myself feeling very hungry even after the little doner salad which should have had a decent amount of protein but wasn’t, but was also proud of myself for making the right keto choices when confronted with a typical restaurant menu.  so go me!  also for dinner i had a single serving of a string cheese.  i’m not sure if i counted the calories right for lunch, but i was way over and that left me with only about a hundred calories to spare for dinner, even after a brisk 10,000 step afternoon walk.

so today was good.  cleaned a bit, washed some dishes, swiffered the living room floor and hand swept the bathroom and bedroom floors, scrubbed the toilet, went to church, had lunch, had a nice chat, came home, cleaned some more, then went on a brisk walk, listened to 1.5 podcasts on bulletproof radio about fat and minimalism, which are some of my hot topics now, then came home, prepped most of my meals for tomorrow, took a quick shower, then settled down for a bit of reflection and debrief here.

so, today/currently, my goals/aspirations are: lose weight. get healthier. be more deliberate about things. my interests are: fishing.  youtube fishing.  orphan black. keto diet. exercise. carcassonne.

so i’m feeling pretty good about today, which was fairly productive and met a lot of my caloric/carb/exercise goals, with church and a meeting with sue to boot.  so now i can feel pretty good about relaxing to an episode of orphan black (season two) and wondering whose side Delphine is really on.  seems like a great way to end the night.

[getittogetherk]

july 22

does this anyone still read this?  i myself hardly write in it so i’d understand.  also i don’t know if tumblr is a thing anymore.  everything is so much more visual these days, with the instagram and the snapchat and the youtube (2 out of 3 of which i am also privy to).  but i wonder if the medium of writing is a fading or already lost art.

it’s a warm day.  it’s been a warm month.  i think part of the reason why i haven’t been writing is because the room that my laptops are in has been stiflingly warm.  it’s on the .... west side so it soaks in all the afternoon sun and becomes unbearable hot in the afternoon, and in the evening, it is the last room to cool down, so i’ve found myself groggily making my way to the sofa on hot summer nights, trying to cool down before discomfort drives me back into the bed.

it’s rather unfortunate though because as they are merely laptops, it would have been quite simple to simply move one over to the much cooler dining room as i am currently.  this is great!  the tabletop is clean, i’m nearly surrounded by windows, and the regular whooshing of the cars driving by reminds me that i’m living on the border of suburbia, which i find oddly comforting.

i’ve got my coffee mug here, my favorite one with the “k” emblazoned on the side, and my old Sunset magazine on my left, feeling the gentle buzz of the coffee and the conflicting desires to be active and be still, which are pretty readily handled by this writing process, and i wonder as i always wonder why i don’t do this as often as i like.

so let’s see, what’s gone on since portland?  not much i’d say.  i finished the portland trip, with the zenith of my trip being the catching of a bunch of beautiful rainbow trout at Hebo lake in the intermittent drizzle.  i ate some pretty mediocre thai and american food at highly rated Yelp restaurants that i subsequently wrote reviews for, to dissuade my future self from coming back to joints like that.  otherwise not much has gone on.  i’ve worked, i’ve gained a few pounds, i’ve washed dishes and swiffered my floor.  i helped to plan and execute both my father’s 60th birthday and my cousin’s baby shower.  and now my future lies flat as a pancake before me, and i need only to maintain the cleanliness of my hair and condo, lose some weight, and eventually get outfitted with a fresh wardrobe as i’m tearing through, Hulk-like, most of my upper garments and unable to fit into my lower garments.  i chanced upon a rather harrowing number of 30, that number being the number of pounds i have gained since january of 2016, meaning that in 18 months i have gained 30 pounds, that is nearly, 2 lbs/month and it must stop.

so since monday (today is saturday) i’ve been on a combination of tracking my calories, reducing my carb intake, increasing my protein/fat intake, and trying to be more consistent with my fitbit daily walking goals of 15,000 steps/day.  although that’s reasonably easy to complete during a typical active workday, on weekends i tend to move less than 5,000 steps and sleep for about 14 hours, a bad habit that i’m trying to kick, and that entails some type of daily exercise excursion as well as a cup of coffee, even though it’s a tad late (after noon) to be having one now.

upcoming plans: last week of july: a day-fishing trip with vicks, who’s visiting from china.  she doesn’t fish but she’s got the time and as she has some interest in photography (in addition to her extreme photogeticness), so she’ll make for a wonderful iPhone camera operator for my youtube videos.

august 8: a little reservation at the Broad museum with my parents.  probably will take a half day or a full day off from work and walk around with them and get dinner nearby.  

august 15-25: 10 days including transit in New York state, where i hope to get in a solid block of bass fishing.  apparently upstate new york has some of the best bass fishing in the nation, and while i’m not looking necessarily for double digit trophy bass, it’d be nice for a new personal best, which would only have to exceed 1.87 pounds.

otherwise things look and feel pretty peaceful.  it’s warm, but not too uncomfortably so, i’ve just now finished my coffee, and i’m thinking i might tidy up just a bit in the couple hours before i take my afternoon walk.  i check my phone constantly for the weather, and as the sun will set around 8:00 pm today and it should be at or around 83 degrees by 6 pm, i’m hoping for an at/around 6 pm departure for my aforementioned walk.

actually, as this laptop set up is finding me at a rather productive moment, i might check some stuff on my macbook to see about clearing some space on my phone for more video footage.  yes, i think i shall do that.

adieu.

[getittogetherk]

june 10th

i am currently in a coffee shop, as are all these other people, on their laptops, overwhelmingly macbooks, i’d say even macbook airs.  i wonder what other people are doing, what they’re writing.  one older gentleman is rather conspicuously on a tablet!  although i too may be conspicuous with my strange acer chromebook, as i really just wanted something cheap and mobile for word processing, as i’m now doing.

i am in portland, oregon, at a coffeeshop called “rain or shine.”  it is a nice coffeeshop.  there is a distressed glass window frame separating me from the people on the other side, i at a sort of bar contraption and they, four strangers, sharing a large old-fashioned looking dining table, strikingly familiar, like something out of my parents’ house, very likely out of some parents’ house. 

i was supposed to be going on this portland roadtrip-esque adventure with my cousin jules, but she had to drop out a week or so ago and so i find myself here alone, with strangers, with my only conversation being obligatory back-and-forths with the hertz rental car lady, the powell’s book store clerk, the coffee shop gentleman and lady.  i got a cool toyota yaris as my ride, that i believe i paid more in some type of insurance than i did for the actual vehicle.  i was a little alarmed and distressed at how expensive it became after i thought i had already paid for it, but there was a line behind me and i didn’t want to be *that lady so i paid over $100 more than i thought i needed to so as to not be *that lady boo.  being that lady is expensive, or rather trying to not be here is rather pricey.

things i’ve done so far: driven around in a hundred circles looking for parking in the slight rain.  there was apparently a big rose parade that blocked off a bunch of streets that made parking near impossible and yet i persisted stupidly because i didn’t know how to get out of it and there was a well rated restaurant that i felt compelled to try and get to, partly because of the positive reviews, but partly just to have a destination to go to, in my aimless meanderings.  

finally found parking and went to said restaurant, called ‘tasty n alder.’ ordered an alder burger and some sort of red ale beer.  both were tasty and i was mildly buzzed immediately afterward.

walked to patagonia, browsed very briefly.  was the same as most other patagonia stores but lacked a sale section! so i left.

walked to powell’s books, and wandered around, slowly getting hot in my hoodie and rain jacket, slowly being weighted down by my backpack with laptop and other assorted electronics, mostly of the charging variety.  didn’t look very much at the books but was on the hunt for a specific magnet.  didn’t find the magnet, but bought a few postcards for the parents and work and a similar magnet to the one i was looking for.  oh well.

then came to this here coffee shop, which is about a mile away from the airbnb that i will be staying at and checking into in a little over an hour.  got a couple 8 ounce mugs of their drip coffee and am sort of just soaking up this portland vibe, trying to figure out maybe if i should be writing about something other than the literal experience of sitting in a coffeeshop and writing about it.

...running out of things to do and things to write about...boo...

[getittogetherk]

june 4th

where was i?

am uncharacteristically writing without reviewing that which was written earlier, so there may be a continuity gap.  well there certainly will be one as i believe the last i wrote i was still living in my parents house and now i’m about almost precisely two months into living at my new place.

i’ve got something close to my usual set up: the laptop (this time my MacBook air as it’s what i’ve been using for my youtube videos.  did you know i’ve been making youtube videos?  it’s true, i have been), my cup of strong coffee on my left, and the sounds of my under neighbor watering the plants.  these plastic supports that hold the laptop up slightly elevated and an angle are digging so far painlessly just under my wrists, but i will see if i can continue because this is the ideal angle with which to write.

so, what brings me to writing after so so long.  simply enough: my phone is dead.  i went fishing on friday and brought along with me an external battery and my one home charger cord and somehow in my runnings arounds and jamming things into pockets the cord must have fallen out and now i have been without a cord for over 24 hours, and my phone has been dead for at least 12, and precariously on the edge of going empty for the hours beforehand.  this has left me rather bereft in some ways.  i knew i was phone dependent, we all are, but i hadn’t realized the depth of it until now.

i look at my phone constantly, check the mail, check instagram, check Facebook, check the weather, check my youtube view count, read the news, scan articles, sort of keep tabs on what everyone is doing.  at some point yesterday i felt suddenly randomly very lonely, as if i had been stranded on some forest cabin, with food and the like, but otherwise cut off from all civilization.  i wished i had a phone, not even an iPhone per se, but like a regular phone to at least call my mom, to at least have a chance that it could ring.  which also made me realize, that my sense of ‘connectedness’ prior to my phone going dead was actually quite artificial, because i was basically window watching without engaging, having the TV on in the background really, and that what i really wanted was a person, a conversation, drinks and boardgames and the things that both exhaust and fuel me, i wanted that, with People.  and all the little things, having a phone to just lie down and stare at, and playing music on while washing my dishes, and having the fitbit app so i could track my sleep, and playing podcasts while i go out to walk, suddenly i was living in analog.  in the silence, i turned to my only source of music, a record player, and played 2 records, having to stop every twenty minutes or so to turn the damn record over.  i read magazines.  i read long-form articles from The Atlantic and actually learned things about the decline of Pixar and how psychopathic children have some hope of rewiring the brains (unrelated articles, for the record).  i found myself sorting out some memory issues on my mac because heck, i didn’t have a whole lot else to do and my distractions have basically all been stripped from me.  i’m just sort of padding around, bored!  just bored!  and not even like i can just casually and passively be bored whilst engaging in phone activities but very actively bored!  and so i sit and write as my under wrists are slowly punctured by these plastic tabs.  sigh.

i have to say though, my sleep last night was one of the best i’ve had in a while, uninterrupted, long, thorough, and i awoke feeling surprisingly well-rested but unsure of what to do with myself, with this rested self.  it felt like i was on vacation, but i had nothing really clear on my itinerary to do next.  i mean, sure, there are things to do, my fingernails could be clipped and there are dishes to be washed, and there’s the semi-obsessive tracking of my USPS package for when my damn charging cord will arrive, but it’s all really hard without some music to accompany me, without my electronics buzzing along with me, without some quasi-human contact of me checking in with someone, of someone checking in with me, of us all sort of relating to one another in this chaos, acknowledging one another’s existence.  i guess that’s maybe a sense of what i feel, off the grid, but in a scary way.  not like i’m in the wilderness and enjoying lakes and rivers without wifi, but just like, where am i?  am i reachable?  where are you?  what am i when my “find me” gps locator has been switched off?

the weather promises to be warm today.  i have checked.  low 80′s.  i’m thinking of places to drive to.  i normally don’t like to drive short distances but it would give my phone at least a short period with which to charge itself in the car charger, and i can leave here, and i haven’t left in quite a while (let’s see, today is sunday around noon, and i think i got home friday around 5:30 pm from fishing/dropping off tobes).  i have the vaguest desire to talk to a person, although typically when people call i am anxious to hang up and get back to nothingness, the nothingness has so far been much deeper and ell encompassing then i cared to remember.  

things to do: buy more records bring my CD’s and CD player from my parents’ house go on technology fasts at least once a month.  i really did sleep quite wonderfully last night.  

what i’ve been doing/what’s ahead:

being in my own place again so central to LA has been really great.  when i’m not tidying up or fishing i’ve been enjoying having people over.  last weekend was pretty jam-packed with activity.  thursday after work i had a couple drinks with coworkers/by myself whilst waiting, friday lido came over and we watched one episode of The Great British Baking Show (or something similar) and Train to Busan. she spend the night and we walked to the Central Grille on Central for some brunch afterwards and it was pretty tasty.  after she left i went to grace’s bridal shower in LC, which was delightful, and then visited the Xi in pasadena and we played board games and ate pizza and drank some fireball whiskey and watched an episode of The Office before i checked out around 10 pm.  sunday i slept most of the day but was then convinced to leave the house and hang with gy, cl, and james, so we went over to downtown, drank some, played Ticket to Ride, and then ate some takeout korean bar food and then i took a nice nap on the floor while a group of peeps watched Split.  once the movie was over we all went home around midnight.  monday, let’s see, that would’ve been memorial day....hmm...i THINK but i’m not sure, but i THINK my friend vm came over, and we chatted and played carcassone and monopoly deal and walked over to the korean market to pick up some kalbi and then we came back to my place and i cooked it up and we ate it with nengmyun.  she’s been having some money problems so i wanted her to be able to eat a free solid meal and also introduce her to the delights of korean food.  so it was a jam-packed weekend of social events, and then i only had to work tuesday-thursday before the weekend struck again.  yes!  and as i mentioned, i spent friday with little tobes at legg lake in el monte and echo park lake in los angeles and we toiled in the sun, fishing for bluegill and bass.  legg lake ended up being a bust but we each caught three fish at echo park so i’d say it was a success.  being out in the sun though for that long (roughly 11:00 am - 5 pm) was pretty exhausting and i knocked out pretty early and spent most of yesterday sleeping and a little bit of it reading articles and cleaning.  which brings us to today.  eaten a bit, drank some coffee, read a few The Atlantic articles, and have now sat in front of this here computer for the last 30-40 minutes.

plans for the day: get iPhone cord. charge the shit out of my iPhone. call my mom and invite her to portland. wash dishes. clip fingernails. go on walk. go to church. sweep floor.

in the next few days.... i’ll be at work.  monday-friday, and it’ll be the last week to turn in stuff for this fiscal period so i will be working hard, as i have been this whole past month or so, ever since portland came on the books.  

then saturday i’ll be heading out to portland.  had been planning a trip with my younger cousin julz but some stuff came up and so we then had to move some things around (cancel, transfer, create new airbnb stays) and looks like i’ll be going solo unless someone wants to hop on last minute.  i plan to fish and film for at least one of my days there and am pretty excited about it.  new lake in pristine oregon.  beautiful.

alrighty, i should get started on my list.  ciao for now!

[getittogetherk]

president’s day weekend 2017

i had a pretty simple list of things to do this weekend, realistic and within-reach i thought.  

1. watch The Salesman

2. watch 2 episodes of “Stranger Things”

3. take two one-hour walks

4. shower

5.  clean room for one hour a day

6. read 2 chapters of hemingway

7. write two blog entries

this turned out to be harder than i thought.  i ended up watching both The Salesman and LaLa Land on Saturday, at different times, with different people, in nearly the same place, and so that took much more time than anticipated and i wasn’t really able to do much else.  

it rained some today so i could only walk for about an hour before the mist/sprinkle became appreciably uncomfortable.

i did shower.  that was.  pretty easy.  i had a mix of easier and harder goals.

i’ve had a rough couple weeks.  something was really bothering me.  has alternately been bothering me on and off for a few months now and i found myself listening to a lot of sad songs, mostly a pandora channel made up almost exclusively of elliott smith and radiohead, which was actually quite helpful.  but like most things have until now, it seems to have passed, or at least let me go for a bit while it attends to other matters, giving me a welcome reprieve.

escrow close a few weeks ago but i let the seller do a temporary leaseback while he found other housing and began escrow, which i believe just started february 15th, so he’ll be in place until mid march.  then i can maybe get some of the floors redone and move in and be on my own again.

not much is going on with me.  work, sad music, bad food, lots of throwing up, lots of mexican cola to cool/sweeten my stomach before i puke up.  but i am feeling better psychologically, like kind of more alert, more inclined to do stuff, to read up on stuff and research fishing lures, constantly watching fishing videos and looking for opportunities to test out my gear and go fishing, which is nice.  already this year i’ve hit up sante fe reservoir, echo park, and the haines debris basin, though i have yet to catch anything.  hoping to go out this friday maybe up around bakersfield.

most of the reason for the list was to not let another weekend, especially a three day weekend escape me again and feel regret and mild shame for being such a lame ass.  although i only achieved about half of the list items, i think having it did impel me to be more productive than i would have otherwise.

feeling distracted with this terrible mess on and around my desk so please excuse me if i wound kind of scattered.  

i dunno, not much to report.  except that my pandora channel was a real lifesaver these past few weeks.  mm.  yhea.  thanks pandora.