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wileys-russo · 5 months ago

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forget me not (2) II l.williamson

part one forget me not (2) II l.williamson

"mum i need to go."

"leah no-" but her mums words were cut off as the blonde clicked end call, fingers flying against her screen until she found your contact, call after call declined until it stopped ringing all together.

she then moved to texting, sending message after message until the 'do not disturb' notification popped up and her stomach heaved, you never put your phone on do not disturb.

her guilt peaked even higher noticing all of the messages above those she'd sent to you in a panic, clearly prior to your graduation and worrying about her whereabouts.

(8) iMessages from; lover girl 💐 hey baby i just arrived, you were dead to the world when i left (shock x) i'm kind of nervous! they just handed out our caps and gowns, its feeling really real now. what if i fall over when i'm walking up?? someone just put that thought in my head and now it won't go away 🥲🥲 i can't wait to just look out and see your pretty face, you can always ground me even without trying💘💘💘 *three missed calls* less just called me, she's leaving soon so i hope you're up and showering! i know you're not the best texter in the morning anyway grumpy 🫶🏻 we have to switch our phones off and leave them in our bags now babe but i'll see you in a little while. still so nervous ah! your support means everything, i love you leah 🩵

even though leah knew you were upset, the fact you hadn't made any attempts to call or message her after her no show only solidified it further for her, the blonde selfishly sort of wishing you had to ease her guilt even just a little.

"fuck!" the girl swore as she threw her phone on the passenger seat, burying her face in her hands with a deep and prolonged exhale. "okay think leah, think." she mumbled to herself, fists balling and rubbing against her eyes until she saw stars, head thumping back against the headrest.

grabbing her phone again she winced seeing the multitude of other missed calls, from alessia, your mum, your aunt, your best friend, all worrying that something had happened to her for her not to show up, the sweet messages from your mum checking in if she was okay hitting her in the stomach in a different sort of way.

"alessia!" she realized, quickly hitting call on the girls contact, feeling like an idiot for not even noticing her friends absence and putting two and two together, this was a brand new low.

"come on!" leah grunted, calling the younger girl easily six times and each one going right to voicemail, finger hovering over your mums contact before abandoning that idea with a shake of her head.

"shit." leah swore again checking your location and noticing you'd stopped sharing with her, biting down on her bottom lip as her knee bounced and her fingers drummed against the wheel wracking her brain for anything.

"fuck me leah where did she say the celebration was afterwards?" the footballer mumbled to herself, eyes squeezing close as she tried to think back, unable to even remember you mentioning your graduation in the last few days, another nail in the coffin of realizing she had been an awful girlfriend to put it lightly.

a sudden spark of hope she grabbed her phone again, clicking into instagram and huffing when both you and alessia hadn't posted anything, searching up several of your friends and families accounts finding the same wall of silence in her way.

growing even more desperate leah clicked into an app she checked maybe once a year, only keeping her facebook active for the sake of her childhood friends.

"thank you aunty gillian, thank you!" leah whispered as a quick scroll of her feed showed your godmother had posted some pictures from the graduation and the post ceremony celebrations, a quick zoom confirming the restaurants name on a menu on the table.

without another seconds hesitation she was putting the address into maps, car roaring to life as she peeled out of the colney carpark at top speed, flying across town and swearing loudly as she seemed to hit every red light in all of london.

"williamson." she barked to the valet as she screamed to a halt in front of the hotel where the restaurant was, throwing the keys at the young boy who didn't even have time to say a word before she was pushing through the double doors and bursting inside.

"m'am im really sorry you can't-" the hostess tried to stop leah as she barreled past, ignoring her completely and hurrying into the restaurant. it didn't take her long to find your closest friends and family on a big table in the corner, alessia spotting her before anyone else did and eyes widening.

though as leah came to a screaming halt in front of them, the table falling quiet as they took her in, still clad in an arsenal tracksuit with wet hair and frantic eyes looking as you would have said had you been present, a hot mess.

"no auntie ava its alright, i'll handle it." alessia murmured to your mum as leah shrank under the scrutiny and harsh glares from your friends and family, nobody impressed with her no show even if they didn't know the full story.

"you need to leave, right now." alessia warned, grabbing the blonde by her bicep and pulling her away from the table, around the corner and out of view. "less please i can-" leah started as the younger girl held up a hand.

"i don't care leah. i've just gotten her to calm down after she's just spent twenty minutes crying in the bathroom after her big day!" alessia warned, leah taken aback by the venom in her teammates tone, the girl normally so sweet butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

but there was one thing your cousin didn't mess about with, and that was family.

"she cried?" leah deflated, voice barely above as whisper as the taller girl nodded. "yes leah she cried several times, she's heartbroken that her girlfriend didn't show up for her graduation. but rather chose to go to the same training we have four or five times a week, she saw on instagram." alessia growled, poking accusingly at leahs shoulder.

"nope." alessia held up a hand again as leah opened her mouth to pour out another excuse or hurried apology.

"i told you leah, i don't care. she deserves to enjoy the rest of her day, you've ruined enough and done more damage than you can apologize for in the two minutes you've got to leave before i let my brothers escort you outside." alessia warned seriously, jaw clenched and still gripping harshly onto leahs arm.

"but less-" "leah, go."

but right as your girlfriend was ready to get on her knees and beg alessia to get her even one minute of your attention, you came stumbling around the corner in search of your cousin.

"baby-" leah started, falling quiet with a hiss as alessia sharply pinched her and moved to put her body in between the two of you like your own personal security guard.

"you have some nerve!" you laughed, leah frowning at the slur in your voice and the way alessia hurried to catch your swaying body, shooting the older blonde a filthy glare over her shoulder as she steadied you and mumbled something in your ear.

"no i know. i'm done crying over her!" you responded, leah swallowing hard as her knees buckled with how much anger was ablaze in your eyes as your gaze moved back toward her.

"you're a little late." you mocked with a pout, voice dripping with sarcasm as your eyes burned holes in your girlfriends head, trained on her like lasers.

"bubba please if you just-" "don't leah, don't call me that." all the anger seemed to deflate out of your voice at that, the obvious hurt and betrayal in it wrapping around leahs heart and squeezing tight like a fist.

"i don't want to hear the excuses, or the apologies, i don't even want to look at you leah. i have never been so let down or dissapointed, hurt, angry, sad." you listed off every emotion which was wracking your body, pausing for a moment and swaying a little leaning into alessia more.

"i have been there for you, for everything leah. i was there by your side every day when you did your acl, through the rehab and recovery good times and bad. i didn't leave when you yelled, when you snapped, when you hurled insults just for helping because i knew you were hurting and you weren't lashing out at me." you shook your head as leah felt sick to her stomach.

"i was there for you during the world cup. i stayed in england to be there for you, watching my own cousin playing the tournament and living out her dream through a phone screen, not daring to mention the games because i knew you were devastated to miss it." you paused to swallow the tears which brimmed at your eyes.

"i have put up with a lot of shit leah, dismissed a lot of things because i love you. but this...this isn't something i can sweep under the rug and excuse because you're hurting and i want to support you. today i needed you, i needed you to support me and you couldn't even do that." you whispered, wishing you had another drink in hand for a spike of liquid courage which was bleeding rapidly out of the open wounds your girlfriends actions slashed you with.

clearing your throat you continued, tilting your chin up a little higher. "less already took me past our place and i grabbed a bag of stuff, i'm moving in with her for awhile. i don't want to see you, hear from you, nothing, until i am ready leah. i never thought you of all people were capable of hurting me like this, now please go." with that you turned around, stumbling slightly but catching yourself with a sharp inhale and marching back off to the table.

"no. leah you heard her, you need to leave." alessia's hands pressed against her chest as she tried to follow after you.

"like i said, you can go on your own terms leah, or i'll get my brothers." your cousin warned seriously, leahs mouth opening and closing before she gave in with a nod, turning and walking away.

"its another one for you!" you looked away from the football match your cousin was currently forcing you to watch, alessia appearing seconds after the bell had rung with another bunch of flowers as you got up with a sigh.

"she's consistent, you've gotta give her that." alessia shook her head as you took the flowers from her, perching herself on the arm of the lounge as your eyes scanned over the card.

"we look like we own a florist shop." your cousin commented, eyes roaming over the countless bunches of flowers littering the living and dining rooms.

"i've texted her telling her to stop!" you shook your head placing down the bunch with a deep seeded sigh, dragging your hands down your face. "what are you thinking?" your cousin asked knowingly as you wandered back toward the lounge, collapsing into it as she spun around on the arm to face you.

"i don't know." you exhaled honestly, face buried in your hands as alessia kicked you gently, looking down with a raised eyebrow. "its been two weeks and i miss her." you admitted honestly, sitting up with a slight grunt.

"but i'm also still really hurt and upset and there isn't an excuse under the sun she could make that would help that go away." you added on, grabbing a throw cushion and pushing your face into it with a scream.

"would you consider hearing her out anyway?" alessia asked, playing devils advocate as you looked back up with another sigh. "yes? no? maybe?" you groaned, laying back down on the lounge in a world of indecision.

"sounds like you want to. but you're a little scared of what that might mean? just hear her out, it doesn't mean you have to go running right back into her arms but it'll mean you're not sitting here wondering what it is she has to say." your cousin read you like a book with a small smile. "i hate that you're always right." you shook your head as alessia chuckled.

"just looking out for my little piccoli ravioli!" your cousin cooed, a grunt leaving your body as she dove on top of you, pinching your cheeks and shaking your head side to side before rolling off of you.

"you know i can very easily smother you in your sleep russo."

none the less you took her advice, reaching out to your girlfriend? ex girlfriend? you weren't even sure what the two of you were at this point given you'd had practically no contact for the last fortnight.

which is how you found yourself a few days later taking a deep breath, hand on the door to the coffee shop you'd agreed to meet up with her at, steadying yourself with a nod before you pushed it open.

you spotted her right away, her eyes trained on the door and hand raising to wave you over the very moment you stepped inside. "i got your usual, sorry the ice melted a little...i was early." leah started with a slight blush as you sat down, pushing the iced latte across the table.

"thanks." you gave her a small smile, taking a sip as an awkward silence settled between you two. "should i start? is that okay?" leah blurted out suddenly, knee bouncing nervously as you nodded and she exhaled shakily.

"i'm not going to waste your time making excuses or apologizing over and over or grovelling." leah started as you quirked an eyebrow and sipped at your drink, curious where she was going with this.

"i'm just going to be honest instead, get right to the point. baby i was a selfish blind asshole, to say the least. i took you for granted. i did not support you even a tenth as much as you did for me. i don't deserve you, i don't deserve a second chance." leah paused, meeting your eyes for a moment as you nodded for her to continue.

"i forgot about your graduation, i didn't care enough to remember despite all the little hints you left me that you shouldn't have even needed to. theres no nice way to say it, theres no excuses for it, no lies. i didn't prioritize you, i didn't respect you or your achievements or put your needs above my own when thats all you've ever done for me." leah sighed, fiddling nervously with her hands in her lap.

"i was so blinded by the joy of being back on the pitch, kicking a ball, being with the girls again. all i was focused on was making the roster for camp, returning back to glory and my captaincy and playing full games for arsenal again." leah admitted, neck and ears flushing hot with embarrassment.

"but nothing, not football not arsenal, not anything, should ever take priority over me being a good supportive life partner and girlfriend. you were right you have put up with so much from me, done so much for me, pushed aside your feelings and your problems to put mine first, and i couldn't even do that for a day when you've done it since the moment we got together." leah continued, shaking her head disappointed with herself.

"love there isn't enough apologies in the world that i can ever say to make up for it. obviously i am incredibly sorry, but you deserve better than words you deserve evidence and action and commitment." you were taken by surprise as leah suddenly stood.

"if you will please please please just come with me for a quick drive i have something for you." she hesitated for a moment before offering you her hand, a confused and skeptical frown on your face as you sized her up.

"its not more flowers, is it?" that caused a small smile to make its way onto the blondes face as she shook her head.

"no, no more flowers."

"seriously? leah this is all very weird." you shook your head as she pulled up outside your shared home, a place you'd not stepped foot in for just as long as you hadn't seen your girlfriend for, holding out a blindfold.

"i know i know i know. and i'm sure you don't right now which is completely valid, but i need you to just trust me and put this on." leah bit her bottom lip sheepishly as you sighed, giving her a hard look before snatching it out of her hand.

"no! i've got it." you smacked away her hand which tried to help, tying it up yourself as your heart rate sped up the moment your world was plunged into darkness.

"can i grab your hands? please?" you heard the car door open and flinched a little, nodding slowly as you felt leahs warm hands interlock with your own, pulling you up to your feet as the car door closed behind you.

"step, step, rock, puddle, another step, three more steps, gate." leah announced each reason for moving you, your frown deepening as you realised she was leading you around the side and toward the backyard, ears straining and senses heightened trying to work out what was going on.

"leah!" you huffed as you tripped and almost fell, strong hands steadying you as the blonde winced. "sorry...one more step."

"okay, i'm taking the blindfold off now." leah sighed shakily, and you felt her hands trembling slightly as they fumbled around clumsily with the knot on the back of the blindfold.

but persisting she finally got it, wincing as it slipped away and the sunlight struck you in the face. but that was nothing compared to how high you jumped at the large yell which sounded next, your hand coming to cover your mouth.

"happy graduation!"

"what? this is..." you trailed off, all of your friends and family and colleagues gathered around the backyard, fairy lights strung up in trees and a long table splitting the yard in half decked out with flowers and food and candles.

you tensed as leah grabbed your hands again, moving to stand in front of you with a smile. "i know i ruined your special day by not showing up for you. but you deserve to have your achievements celebrated in a way even half as big and special as you are, and everyone who knows you and loves you agrees, and they're here to show that to you." leah explained softly, another cheer ringing out from the crowd in your backyard as you both looked across with a laugh.

"you organised this?" you asked as leah nodded, letting go of your hands. "i'm not asking you to move back in tonight and forgive me right away. but i hope this is a step in the right direction to me showing you that you mean more to me than anything in the world, and i was such a fucking idiot to take that for granted." leah promised sincerely as your features softened.

"thank you." you caught her off guard by pulling her into a hug, admittedly melting into her taller form as you held one another tightly, your guests all turning back into their own conversations as music started up and chatter floated through the air.

"you're very very welcome. now go and be celebrated!" the blonde pulled away and gently pushed you toward the crowd, smile on her face as you nodded, turning and stepping toward your parents first who cheered and handed you a flute of champagne.

"did you know about all of this?" you tugged your cousin aside around an hour later once you'd made your rounds greeting and chatting with everyone, the sun setting as leah was busy setting up the catering she'd organised for dinner, lia by her side helping out as a fair few of the arsenal girls hung about, good friends with you through both leah and alessia.

"who do you think helped her grovel for forgiveness with the whole family?" alessia smiled knowingly, sipping at her drink. "the whole family?" you asked, eyebrows shooting up in surprise as your cousin nodded.

"mhm, had me gather everyone at your mums place and she stood in front of them all delivering a speech about how much of an idiot she is and how much you mean to her, and how first and foremost she wanted to make up for ruining your day, even if it didn't mean you'd take her back." alessia explained as you glanced at leah over her shoulder, a small smile curling into your lips at the way she helped your nephew dish up his food, chattering away to him and pulling silly faces making him giggle.

"was it brutal?" you asked with a chuckle, alessia wincing. "horribly horribly awkward. nonna ripped into her, then your mum, then my mum, then your brother, then my brothers, then-" alessia recounted as you cut her off with a laugh.

"okay okay i get it, we have a very tight knit family who clearly have my back." you smiled with a shake of your head. "we do. but they all agreed to come, and that when she's not being an insensitive stupid idiot leah is crazy about you." alessia spoke a little more softly.

"go talk to her." your cousin kissed your cheek, slipping her drink into your hand and taking your empty one, pushing at your back encouragingly as you sighed and let your feet lead you over to her.

"hey, can we talk?" you asked, leah practically dropping the plate of food in her hand with a nod, hurrying after you as you made your way up the back steps and inside, wanting a little more privacy than your backyard full of friends and family provided.

"is this all okay? is it too much? did i do too much? less warned me not to go overboard and i know i said no more flowers but obviously theres flowers here and i got catering from your favorite restaurant and it took me days and days to get everyone to agree to come and then-" tired of her rambling you leaned in, pressing your lips against her own and effectively silencing her.

"i-okay." leah blinked in shock as you pulled away, a small smile of amusement on your face. "first of all, this is very very sweet leah, its perfect." you assured with a firm nod, leah visibly sagging in relief.

"second of all...i want to come home, tonight." you held up a hand as the blonde perked up and opened her mouth, snapping it right closed. "this doesn't fix everything leah, i'm still hurt and its going to take time for me to trust you properly again" you warned as the defender nodded eagerly.

"but we can't work on things unless we're together, and i have missed you." you admitted quietly, the words scary to confess but knowing you needed to be honest. "i've missed you so much, like...so so much." leah breathed out shakily making you smile.

"but promise me one thing?" your hands came to cup her face as she nodded.

"no more apology flowers leah for like...a long time." you grinned as leah let out a laugh of surprise, hands falling to your hips and drawing your body into hers, eyes searching you face as you nodded knowing what they were looking for, her lips sweetly pressing a few times against yours.

"i promise."

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shmaptainwrites · 9 months ago

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𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐀 [𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐒𝐎𝐍]

PAIRINGS — James Wilson x ex-wife!Reader

SUMMARY — James and Reader have not been on great terms since their divorce, but an emerging situation with their son forces them to put aside their differences and work together and hope that past feelings don't resurface

WARNINGS — hospitalization, chronic illness, swearing, complicated feelings (idk y'all they're divorced what more can I say)

NOTE — Okay so I have so many things to say about this fic, but if I say them all this post will be way too long it already is like this came up as 33 pages in my docs but this is a day late birthday present for @shots-of-wilson-and-whiskey who also provided the James pic I hope you had such a fun day and a great year of simping ahead!

Pronounciation — Mahlet = Ma-h-let | Hennock = Hey-knock

Ever since you had become a mother, birthday parties were the bane of your existence. The sugar overload, the loud noises, the cleanup afterwards, all amounted to your own personal hell. Yet, you would move hell or high water for your son to have the most enjoyable party every single year.

Today was no different, eight years later you were still breaking your back to ensure every small detail was perfect, from the pin the spikes on the stegosaurus to the cake you’d spent at least a month painstakingly training to make.

A friend of yours, another parent from the school your son Julian went to, came over in the kitchen to give you a hand with some of the snacks.

“How are you managing here?” she asked and you took a deep breath.

“Managing is the operative word,” you chuckled. “Kids having fun out there?”

“Yeah, loads, you’ve outdone yourself again,” she assured you. “Will James be making an appearance?”

“I stopped asking myself that question after we got divorced,” you said while fixing the plate of vegetables and dip. “He’s supposed to, he promised Julian, but we all know how that ends.”

There seemed to be a bit of commotion out in the backyard and you tried to assess what was happening from the window, but your suspicions that something was off was confirmed when Julian’s best friend, Hennock, came rushing inside.

“Mrs. Wilson, something’s going on with Julian,” he said and you frowned while your friend followed you outside to see the kids circling around Julian who seemed to be gripping onto his chest.

“Jay, what’s going on? Are you okay?” you bent down to be closer to his eye-level, trying to understand what was happening to your son.

“Can’t…” he pointed to his mouth. “Can’t…breathe,” he wheezed.

Your eyes went wide, but before you could grab him and run for the car he began to cough and you hoped and prayed there was just something caught in his throat that would make its way out, but with the coughing came spatters of red all over your white shirt.

“Mahi,” you looked over at your friend quickly while picking Julian up. You didn’t have to say a word, she already knew what she needed to do.

Living close to the hospital, it was worth it to drive yourself, that way you didn’t have to wait for an ambulance to get to you. You had made the mental calculations many times before, just in case there was an emergency and now it was finally coming in handy.

When you got Julian in the car, you checked in on his breathing, it was still laboured, but at least at this point he was getting in the air, even if he was coughing up blood.

You turned on the car and began driving while calling your ex-husband with one hand. The line rang until you reached voicemail so you called again, expecting at least this time for him to pick up, only to hear the tone once more.

“Dammit James!” you threw your phone down on the seat next to you knowing you’d deal with him later, now you needed to focus on getting to the hospital without killing either of you.

Barely paying attention to how your car was parked, you grabbed Julian out of the back seat and ran into the ER with him.

“Ma’am, what’s going on?” a nurse came and asked you as you put Julian down.

“My son, he-he’s having trouble breathing and he’s coughing up blood I-I-I don’t know what’s happening.”

Before you could say a word they had whisked Julian away and another nurse came to ask you some questions about his medical history and any information that may be important to the doctors treating him.

“Where’s my son?” you asked, “I want to see my son.”

“Ma’am I’m sorry, but the doctors are working on getting his airway cleared, you can’t be with him right now.”

You pressed your lips into a thin line and bit back your tongue. There were a million and one things you wanted to say to the nurse, but none of them would help your situation. On the other hand, finding your ex might.

So instead of finding the waiting room you went over to the elevator and made your way up to the oncology department, briskly walking through the halls until you reached his office. At this point, you didn’t bother knocking, opening the door to see him sitting down over a file and talking with House.

“Hey Greg,” you said in a fake cheery voice. “Mind giving us the room?”

“Oh, this is the wife with the kid, did you forget to pay child support?” House asked James.

“Get out, Greg,” you said warningly and he listened, instead opting to steal the rest of James’ sandwich and slipping past you, while wishing James good luck and letting you slam the door shut behind you.

“What’s going on?” James asked, clearly confused by your demeanour and appearance. “If this is about the party I didn’t forget I was-wait is that blood,” he stood up from his chair and came over to you.

“What’s going on is you didn’t pick up your fucking phone,” you said angrily.

“Hey,” James looked at you sternly. “What is going on?” he repeated his question, this time more pointedly.

You could feel your lips begin to tremble and your vision became blurred while you shook your head.

“Who’s blood is on your shirt?”

You chewed on the inside of your cheek, “It’s Julian’s.”

“Julian-I-what happened?” his demeanour changed from frustrated with your attitude towards him to worrying for his son.

“I-I don’t know he said he couldn’t breathe and then he started coughing up blood and I just picked him up and drove him here a-and now they won’t let me see him.”

“You drove him?” he asked incredulously. “You didn’t think to maybe call an ambulance?”

“That’s what you’re hung up on? That I decided to drive because it was faster than getting him an ambulance?”

“That’s not what I-,”

“Yes it is,” you stepped back. “I wouldn’t have needed an ambulance if you were there.”

James sighed and chose to ignore your comment,

“Where is he?” he asked.

“Emergency room,” you muttered. “They won’t let me see him, you need to talk to them, say something, anything.”

James nodded his head, at least you could agree on that. He walked with you out of the office and to the elevator so you could go to the ER together and figure out what the hell was happening to your son.

When you got down there and James began speaking to the nurses, they informed him that Julian had been moved to the ICU and his respiration was being closely monitored while they ran a few tests to see what had caused the arrest.

You had to fight to hold yourself upright when they pulled back the curtain and you could see Julian hooked up to all the machines and with a ventilator tube stuck down his throat. You covered your mouth with your hand and shook your head again. This couldn’t be happening, now you were supposed to be cutting into cake and opening presents, not sitting in the ICU.

You stepped inside with James and he closed the curtain to give you a bit of privacy and decided to look over his chart and see if they had given any relevant information there. Seeing none, he turned his attention over to you, seeing your eyes filled with tears, unable to tear your gaze away from your son.

James walked over to you and cautiously put a hand on your shoulder, eventually encouraging you to turn around so he could pull you into his arms. You allowed your tears to soak his white coat, gripping onto him so tightly because there was nowhere else to hold.

You could hear his breathing change, accompanied by the small sniffles and you knew he was doing just as bad as you were right now, wiping the tears from his own eyes as he finally allowed himself to see his son as he was, sick, helpless, vulnerable, and only moments ago, without his dad’s help when he needed him most.

Your moment was interrupted when you heard the curtain being pulled back and you saw two doctors standing there. You pulled away from James and wiped whatever remaining tears were in your eyes so you could properly address them.

It seemed as though one of the doctors recognized James and when he looked down at the file and saw the name he made the connection internally.

“Can we talk to you guys out in the waiting room for a moment?” he asked.

“I don’t want to leave my son,” you shook your head.

“Ma’am, this is the ICU and the visiting hours are very strictly adhered to, I think your husband maybe got lucky and pulled a few strings so you could see your son, but we need to leave now.”

“He’s not my husband,” you muttered and reluctantly followed them out of the makeshift room and towards the waiting area.

“Did you find out what was wrong?” James asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “I looked at his chart. You took him for an emergency CT and bloodwork.”

“We also ran a few other tests,” the doctor began explaining. “From the medical history your, um, ex wife gave I had a suspicion of something so we ran a sweat test to check for elevated chloride levels and it just came back positive.”

“Chloride levels?” you looked up at James. “What does that mean?”

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “It means Julian has cystic fibrosis.”

“I-I’ve heard of that, is it curable?” you asked.

“I’ll leave you guys with Dr. Liu, he deals with the pediatric cystic fibrosis cases and will be able to answer your questions better than I can,” he wished you a good day and left you alone with the other doctor.

“Cystic fibrosis is manageable-,”

“So you can’t cure it,” you reiterated.

The doctor shook his head, “Unfortunately there is no cure for CF yet, but many people have been able to live longer and happy lives with the medical technology now available.”

James was silent, taking in all the information that was being presented.

“How did he get it? Is it contagious or-or was it just always there?” you asked.

“It’s a genetic condition, so he’s always had it, the symptoms have just gotten to the point where they’re now visible,” the doctor explained.

“I-It’s genetic so one of us is a carrier?” you pointed to you and James.

“We both are,” James said. “Both parents have to be carriers to pass it down to their child, right?”

Dr. Liu nodded and you pressed your lips together.

“C-Can you just tell us what this means for right now?” you asked. “I just think-I think I need a minute.”

Dr. Liu nodded his head and explained they were giving Julian medication to help with the infection and airway damage that caused him to cough up blood, then they would get him on some bronchodilators to help with his breathing for the time being while they assessed what other issues the cystic fibrosis had potentially caused in his body. He’d have to stay at the hospital for a while, but hopefully could be moved to the pediatric ward within the next day or so.

“We can talk more about what Julian’s medical journey will look like later, I’ll give you guys some time together and if you have any questions, Wilson’s got my pager and knows where my office is.”

You nodded your head and thanked him quietly as he left the waiting area. You finally sat down on one of the chairs.

James took the seat next to you and you covered your face with your hands.

“We couldn’t give him a functional family and a happy home and now we’ve given him a chronic medical condition to top it off.”

“Blaming ourselves isn’t going to do anything for Julian,” James said.

“And sitting around here is?” you asked and James sighed.

“No, no it’s not.”

You sat there in silence for a little while longer before you noticed James stand up and motion for you to follow him. As much as you didn’t want to listen to him and just sit and wait until they would let you be with Julian again, you got up and followed him to one of the OR supply closets. He used a key to unlock the door and sifted through some materials until he found what he was looking for, pulling out a scrub shirt in your size and handing it over to you.

You looked down at your own shirt, seeing the red specks of Julian’s blood and closed the door behind your both, pulling your shirt off over your head and handing it to James. You were about to put the other shirt on when you noticed the flecks of dried blood against your chest.

While you eyes were transfixed on that, James had grabbed an alcohol wipe package from the shelves and tore it open with his teeth, removing the wipe and reaching over to help you clean the blood off yourself.

“James, I can do it myself,” you reached for the wipe, but he pulled it away.

“You’ve got some on your neck too, just let me take care of it,” he insisted.

You knew better than to cause a fight over something trivial like this right now so you put your hands down, watching as James tossed your shirt over his shoulder and carefully began wiping away the specks of your son’s blood off your chest, collarbone, and neck.

“Have you eaten today?” he asked you while holding your face to tilt it to the side so he could get a spot he’d missed earlier.

“No, why?”

“Because it’s his birthday, you’d always forget to eat until dinner and even then it would be scraps from the party until I forced you to eat something better,” he recounted. “Let’s just go grab something from the cafeteria before we go back to the ICU, okay?”

“Will it make a difference if I say I’m not hungry?” you asked.

“You can’t take care of Julian if you’re not taking care of yourself.”

You scoffed and pulled the shirt over your head, “And you’ve suddenly become an expert on taking care of your family?”

“Believe it or not, we were once happy and there was a reason we got married and decided to have a child together.”

“And there’s a reason we got divorced too,” you added and opened the door behind you.

You didn’t go to the cafeteria, instead heading back to the ICU waiting room knowing either visiting hours would have to start eventually or they’d move Julian to his own room and you could finally sit with him.

James clearly hadn’t followed you so you ended up alone again, wringing your hands and waiting for some sort of news.

Eventually, you felt a bag drop on your lap and you looked up and saw James standing overtop of you. You looked inside and saw a package of a sandwich, a small bag of chips, and a water bottle.

You knew he was right, that if you didn’t take care of yourself you wouldn’t be able to take care of Julian, so you forced yourself to eat, even if you didn’t want to.

A little while later, Dr. Liu had returned and informed you that they were moving Julian to the pediatric ward and you could stay with him there in his room. When you joined him there, James had taken off his white coat and tossed it on one of the chairs, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt and sitting down next to Julian’ taking one of his hands in his own.

“Don’t you have patients you need to see?” you asked, sitting on the opposite side of the hospital bed.

“I told Cuddy I needed the day, someone else is taking care of it for me,” he said, not removing his gaze from Julian.

With the two of them sitting next to each other like that, you could clearly see the similarities Julian had with his father. They shared the same eyes and nose, and when they smiled they had the same little creases around their eyes.

You wished that’s what you could have been looking at, them smiling together, instead of the frown etched onto James’ face and Julian still fast asleep while an oxygen mask now delivered the air he needed to help him breathe.

“Do you know much about cystic fibrosis?” you asked James, brushing your thumb against Julian’s other hand.

“Only that it mainly affects the digestive system and the respiratory tract,” he explained. “I’m not too familiar with how it's managed, just that there’s regular doctor’s visits and probably some medication and therapies involved.”

You could feel a small stirring and you looked down and saw Julian’s hand begin to move underneath yours.

You smiled when you saw his eyes blink open and James was quick to stand up and come closer to him so he had a familiar face to look at while he took in his surroundings.

“Hey buddy,” James smiled and you could see Julian light up at the sight of his dad. He lifted his hand to try to remove the oxygen mask, but James gently encouraged him not to. “This is giving your lungs an extra hand right now, let’s just keep it on until the doctor tells us it's okay to take it off.”

“But you’re a doctor,” Julian countered and James chuckled.

“I am, but I'm not your doctor. I am, however, your dad so you have to listen to me anyways,” he teased and bent down to kiss his son’s cheek and tickle him a little bit in the process.

“Hey, go easy on him,” you placed a gentle hand on James' arm and he laid off.

“You know,” James said. “It’s still your birthday.”

“It is?” Julian asked and you both nodded and James reached down to grab something he’d brought with him.

“All the presents your friends got you are at home waiting for you to get better so you can open them, but this is what I got for you,” he said. “I was gonna come and bring it to the party, but I think you brought the party to me.”

Julian laughed a little at that and you rolled your eyes, of course James could make himself look good by not showing up.

He sat up with the help of his dad and pulled out the tissue paper from the bag to see the present that was hiding underneath. With a big grin on his face, he took out a dinosaur stuffed animal along with a book all about the different species of the Cretaceous period.

“This is awesome,” Julian grinned. “Thanks dad, I love it.”

James gave Julian another kiss and you joined them, taking a seat on the bed and glancing over at the book on Julian’s lap.

“How are you feeling sweetheart?” you asked, fixing the twisted band of the oxygen mask on his face.

“My throat hurts a little bit,” he admitted. “And I’m kinda hungry.”

“Let me call a nurse and we’ll see what you can eat,” you said and pressed the button to send someone over from the nurses’ station.

Meanwhile, James poured Julian a glass of water and helped him take a few sips of it. His throat was probably irritated from being on the ventilator, but his lungs had become stabilized from the use of the bronchodilators.

The nurse came and you spoke to her about getting Julian something to eat and she said she’d double check with Dr. Liu and then grab him some food.

“Hey, Jay,” you walked over to the bed and took your son’s hand in yours. “Are you okay to hang out here with dad while I go grab some stuff from home? The doctors said we might hang around here for a few days so I think I need to pack a bag.”

“Yeah, that’s okay,” Julian nodded. “Are you okay mom?” he reached up and touched your cheek and you realized you'd let a few more tears slip.

“Yeah, I’m just really happy you’re okay,” you wiped the tears away and pressed a big kiss to his cheek. “Right, Jamie? We’re both happy he’s okay.”

James looked over at you with softness reflecting in his eyes at the sound of the nickname he hadn’t heard in a long time and nodded his head.

“Bring some cake back with you,” Julian whispered. “Even if dad and the doctor say no we can sneak some.”

You laughed at his plan and gave him another kiss, assuring him you’d pack some in a container to bring for him when you came back.

When you arrived at your home, you thought you might cry at the sight in front of you. The kitchen and living room were completely clean, presents piled neatly on the coffee table along with a new card you didn’t recognize. Coming closer, you noticed the bright marker, signature of eight-year-olds across the country, with the message Get Well Soon Julian! written on it and signed by all his friends who had attended the party.

You packed the card in your bag along with a few other things and made a mental note to grab a nice thank you gift for Mahlet to thank her for what she had done.

As promised, you cut a big chunk of cake, enough for the three of you to share, and packed it in a tupperware to bring back to the hospital.

You grabbed a few changes of clothes for both you and Julian and changed out of the temporary shirt you had on and into something more comfortable for the rest of the evening, making sure everything you needed was in place before heading out and going back to the hospital.

When you got back to Julian’s room you saw James squished in next to him on the bed, the book he had bought him opened on his lap as he read its contents to Julian. Julian was resting his head against James’ arm and James was doing those big exaggerations he always would whenever he’d read bedtime stories to Julian, emphasizing all the insane details and changing the inflections of his voice in just the right way to make him laugh.

“I brought cake,” you grinned, holding up the container as you entered the room, holding three plastic forks. “If Dr. Dad says it's okay, we can eat it.”

“Dr. Dad desperately needs some sugar,” James nodded his head and closed the book for the time being while you took a seat by Julian’s legs and opened the container, handing each of the boys a fork.

You helped Julian take off his oxygen mask for the time being and placed it off to the side, acutely aware of how his breathing sounded more laboured without it.

James only snuck in a couple bites of the cake before taking the mask from your side and holding it ready in case Julian needed a bit of an extra hand.

Just as he had predicted, after a few bites of cake Julian was noticing a bit of a difficulty to get air into his lungs and James held up the mask to his face, allowing him to take a couple deep breaths.

“What do you think of the cake, Jay?” you asked.

“Really good, just like everytime you make it,” he grinned.

“I’m sorry you didn’t have a great birthday, buddy,” James apologized. “I mean with all your friends and classmates.”

“What do you mean?” Julian asked. “I think I had a good birthday.”

“You do?” you frowned curiously, wondering what kind of light he’d seen in the day that you and James as worried parents had somehow missed. “What made it good?”

“We’re sitting eating cake. Together. Just like when I was little,” he said simply and you chewed on the inside of your cheek, looking over at James whose gaze hadn’t left Julian. He almost looked disappointed, at what, you couldn’t place, but at least for the moment Julian was happy and that was all either of you really wanted.

—

You grabbed your purse from the ground and thanked Dr. Liu for all of the information he had given you and assured you’d be there with Julian at the allocated follow-up time you had arranged. You were just about to leave when James came rushing into the room, apologies spewing out of his mouth for being late.

“Late? You missed the whole appointment.”

“I-I did?” he said, looking down at his watch and cursing when he saw the time.

“Jay, sweetheart, why don’t you sit down here,” you moved out of Dr. Liu’s office and set him up on a chair in one of the general waiting areas and handed him his dinosaur book from your purse. “I just need to go have a chat with your dad real quick.”

Julian nodded and opened up the book, flipping through the pages while you grabbed James’ arm and pulled him into a dead-end hallway so you could speak in private.

“What the hell took you so long?” you asked firmly. “We waited for twenty minutes before even starting the appointment!”

“I’m sorry,” James apologized, “I was in the OR with a patient and something went haywire and it took longer than expected to fix it.”

“Still, you couldn’t have told someone to at least pass on a message?”

“I was in the middle of saving a patient’s life! What did you want me to do?”

“I wanted you to be there for your son,” you whispered harshly. “You make promises you can’t keep and I have to watch him get disappointed over and over again. He does not deserve that, especially now.”

James placed his hands on his hips and said,

“I am trying to be there, it’s not for lack of effort-,”

“Well try harder!” you threw your hands up in the air. “You’re an ex-husband James, not an ex-father. You don’t have to show up for me anymore, but you damn well better show up for him.”

When he said nothing you continued.

“Believe it or not, you don’t have to work as much as you do James. You chose to do that and right now that’s coming at your son’s expense and he is scared and vulnerable and neither of us know half of what Dr. Liu is talking to us about. Do you know what he said to me when I was confused about the management plan? He said Dad would know what this means. Dad can help us. And he’s right, you would have known and you can help so stop acting like your fucking schedule controls you and get your schedule under control.”

James was quiet for a moment before he nodded his head,

“Okay,” he said simply.

You knew better than to get your hopes up with him and you didn’t have any more energy to argue, so you told him you could talk more later, but right now you were going to take Julian home so he could rest in his own bed and finally open his birthday presents.

“Is dad coming with us?” Julian asked when you picked him up and began walking away to leave the hospital.

“No, not this time,” you shook your head.

“Did you fight with him again?” Julian asked and you pressed your lips together.

“We just had a disagreement,” you settled on. “You can call him later when he’s done work if you want to talk to him, sounds good?”

Julian was content with your answer and left it at that.

Over the next few days, aside from Julian’s call, you didn’t hear much for James and you assumed things were right on track to going back to the way they had always been. You loved your son to pieces, but this was one time you wished his dad would be here to support, working and caring for Julian on top of trying to figure out how to be his at home doctor was already taking its toll and you didn’t know how you’d be able to keep it up.

One night, you were sitting in the living room reading a book Dr. Liu had recommended. It was detailing strategies for parents with children who had cystic fibrosis. In the middle of your chapter you were interrupted by a knock to your door and you put in your bookmark, wondering who was stopping by this far into the evening.

Unlocking the door and opening it, you found it hard to hide the surprise in your face when you saw James on the other end.

“James?” you tilted your head. “I haven’t heard from you at all this week, what’s going on?”

“I reduced my patient load,” he said, “and I talked to Cuddy about reducing my clinic hours. I still have to do some administrative stuff for the department, but it can be done from home for the most part.”

“Oh,” you were surprised to say the least. You didn’t realize your outburst the other day had worked.

“You were right,” he said. “I need to be here for Julian and I can’t do that if my work always comes first.”

You nodded your head, following along with what he was saying.

“C-Can I come in and see him?” James asked. “I know our custody agreement has always been all over the place-,”

You didn’t say anything, simply opening the door wider for him to come inside.

“He’s asleep in his room,” you said. “When you’re done we can talk some more.”

James nodded and stepped inside, slipping off his shoes and taking off his jacket, making his way to Julian’s room to sit with him for a moment before joining you in the kitchen.

“Want something to drink?” you asked and he said some water would be nice. You poured him a glass while waiting for the water to boil for your tea.

“I saw the book you were reading over there,” he pointed to the couch. “Dr. Liu recommended it to me too, I just finished it the other night.”

“Show off,” you rolled your eyes and handed him the glass.

“What I was trying to say is I think something that stood out to me is having consistency and a routine is good, especially when things are new,” James explained. “I don’t think it makes sense for him to be moving back and forth from here to my place.”

“So you think we should have a home base here?” you confirmed and he nodded.

“I can come by more often, if there’s days where you need to be at work I can be doing the administrative stuff here after school and take care of Julian until you get back.”

You pursed your lips and as you heard the kettle click, moved to pour your hot water into the mug you were holding.

“These are all good ideas,” you started.

“I’m assuming there’s a but coming?”

“But I don’t want to give Julian the wrong impression is all.”

James shook his head.

“You really need to pick whatever it is you want,” James crossed his arms over his chest. “First I’m not here enough, I don’t put my family first. Now I’m putting my family first and you’re worried Julian’s going to think this means we’re getting back together.”

“He doesn’t need to get his hopes up for something that’s never going to happen,” you said flatly.

“Have you ever considered having a conversation with him instead of shielding him from every little thing that might hurt him?” James asked and you rolled your eyes.

“Clearly every little thing can hurt him!” you pointed over to his room. “He can’t even breathe without help, James. Maybe he needs to be protected.”

“Stop, just stop,” James ran a hand over his face. “I can’t get into a fight with you every single time we see each other. Julian is just as much my son as he is yours, if this is going to work we need to be able to have a conversation with each other.”

You took a sip of your tea and said,

“Okay, I’m worried Julian might take the fact that you’re around more the wrong way.”

James nodded his head, “I hear you, so maybe we should talk to him about it and say I’m coming around more to lend a hand around the house and help take care of him.”

“Dad? What are you doing here?” as if on cue, Julian had walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes awake and adjusting to the light.

“Julian, where’s your oxygen mask?”

“I don’t wanna wear it mom,” he whined. “I don’t like the way it feels on my face.”

You sighed, having had this conversation at least five times before, you didn’t know what else you could say to convince him.

“Hey buddy, maybe we should listen to mom on this one,” James suggested. “You know that feeling you’ve got right here,” he pointed to his chest. “That’s only gonna get worse if you don’t wear it and we don’t want to have to go to the hospital again, right?”

Julian shook his head and sighed, stomping back over to his room to grab the portable machine and place the tube under his nose and around his ears, allowing him to get the right amount of oxygen.

You looked over at James gratefully and he reached his hand out to yours and gave it a squeeze. It was nice being on the same team even if you had just been arguing.

When Julian came back he repeated his question to his dad who explained that he was here to talk to you about a few things that would be changing soon and that he’d be around more to help look after him.

“If you’re going to be here to help look after me can you stay tonight?” Julian asked. “Mom still has some of your clothes in those boxes in her closet.”

“She does, does she,” James looked over at you.

“It was the stuff you wanted to give away and I never got around to it,” you said. “There’s probably a hoodie and some pyjama pants in there if you want to stay.”

James pressed his lips together and sighed,

“You know buddy as much as I would love to have a sleepover with you I don’t think it’s a good idea if I spend the night here,” James said. “But I can tuck you in again and wait until you fall asleep to go back home.”

“Mom, can you come too?” Julian asked and you nodded your head.

James stood up and helped Julian carry his portable oxygen machine back to his bedroom and you trailed behind them, watching as James carefully tucked Julian back under the covers while peppering his face with small kisses, like he would do when Julian was younger and just learning to sleep in his own room.

“Dad that tickles,” Julian giggled and James simply smiled and continued littering his face with kisses.

“Too bad. I love you too much; I just can’t get enough of you.”

“Alright, move it,” you nudged James from the opposite side of the bed and took your turn. “It must tickle having two parents who love you so damn much.”

“It does,” Julian’s laughter died out as you both finally left him alone, sitting on either side of his mattress.

You both wished him a good night and waited as he slowly fell back asleep. When his breathing was steady and his grip loosened on yours and James’ hands you took it as your cue to leave the room.

James placed a hand on your shoulder as you stepped out of the room, prompting you to turn around and face him.

“I’ll come by tomorrow and we can work out a schedule or something, does that sound good?”

You nodded your head,

“Yeah, I have a work thing tomorrow in the evening, I was gonna ask Mahlet, Hennock’s mom, if she could come look after Julian, but if you’re around…”

“I’ll come for dinner and then do the bedtime routine,” he said and you smiled.

“James I’m begging you-,”

“I won’t be late,” he assured. “No surgeries planned and I’m ending my shift with clinic duty.”

You pressed your lips into a thin line and nodded your head.

“I’ll see you then,” you patted his arm and he showed himself out.

You walked back to the kitchen grabbing your now lukewarm cup of tea and sitting back on the couch picking up your book and opening it, reading until you couldn’t keep your eyes open any longer, falling asleep right there on the couch.

—

Over the next few months, you, James, and Julian had developed some sort of routine around school, work, and doctor’s appointments. A part of you thought you were spending more time together as a family than when you were married.

Today you had to go in for work, also having reduced your hours, but in a way that you were working in tandem with James. When you arrived back home the house smelled like warm spices and big plates of home-cooked food.

You dropped your keys on the entryway table, next to James’ keys and wallet and took off your jacket, hanging it up before coming to the kitchen and seeing Julian and Hennock doing their homework at the island.

“Mr. Wilson, what is the difference between these two words?” Hennock asked, holding up his paper so James could see while cutting some vegetables for a salad.

“I think the first one is the kind of principal in your school that looks after all the students and the other one is… man, that’s hard to describe. Hey, how do you describe what principle is to an eight-year-old?” James asked you.

“I think that kind of principle is something that guides the way people behave or act,” you sat next to Julian and Hennock. “Like a principle is the foundation for something that people believe in.”

Hennock and Julian still looked a little confused by your explanation so you tried to give an example.

“So a principle could be to be kind to everyone we meet and so people who believe in that principle will try to follow it.”

That put it in better terms for them to understand and there was a chorus of oh’s before they looked back down at their papers and scribbled down a few things to answer the questions they were asked.

“They learning about homonyms?” you asked James and he nodded.

“I talked to Mahlet,” James said, changing the topic. “Hennock’s gonna stay for dinner and she’ll come pick him up around seven.”

“Sounds good, it’s always nice to have you, Henny,” you smiled and ruffled your hand through his coarse curly hair in an endearing way.

“Thanks, Mrs. Wilson,” Hennock smiled.

James was now over the stove, stirring what looked like a soup before giving it a taste and figuring something might be missing.

“Can you taste this?” James asked. “I don’t know why, but every time I make it there’s something off.”

You took a spoon and tried a little bit of the broth, looking down to see that he was making matzah ball soup and immediately when you tasted it you knew what was missing.

“I know what it is,” you said. “But you can’t tell your mom I told you. She swore me to secrecy.”

“My mother told you this?” James asked and you nodded.

“When we were getting married she wanted me to know how to make it the way she would for you when you were sick.”

“And she didn’t think to tell her own son how to do this?” he seemed thoroughly offended, but all you could do was laugh.

“It’s tarragon. I don’t think it’s something everyone adds, it was just something special she’d put in hers to make it a little different. Here,” you reached into the spice cupboard and took out a jar of dried tarragon and took a bit of the herb out of the container and crushed it in your hands before sprinkling it into the soup. James mixed it in and gave the broth a minute to soak in the flavour before trying it again and shaking his head.

“I can’t believe she didn’t tell me!”

“I’ll let you finish having your little meltdown,” you patted his back. “I’m gonna hop in the shower quickly and we can eat when I get out.”

“Did Dad forget the tarragon?” Julian asked and you nodded your head.

“Wow, so everyone knew, but me?” James asked and you nodded your head with a shrug.

“Sorry, I guess your mom has favourites, or something.”

“Figures,” James teasingly rolled his eyes and you chuckled, waving him off and going to take a shower and change into something a little more comfortable.

When you came back outside they had migrated to the dining room table, each with a bowl of soup in front of them and a plate of salad. You sat on the same side as James since Julian and Hennock were already sitting next to each other and the boys happily recounted the details of their school day and playdate with you while everyone ate their soup and salad.

“What did you do at work, Dad?” James asked.

“Oh, nothing interesting,” he shook his head. “I think your mom was doing bigger things than me.”

“Bigger than treating people with cancer? You flatter me,” you drank some of your soup’s broth. “I had a meeting with a big company about a building they’re making.”

“Did you go do a site visit?” James asked and you nodded.

“Engineers are being a pain in the butt, keep making me adjust the design, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh.”

“Mom always does,” Julian told Hennock and they chuckled along with James.

After dinner James helped you clear up some of the dishes before heading out and leaving you with the boys. When Mahlet came by to pick Hennock up you invited her in for tea and a little visit.

“Thanks for coming to stay with Julian the other night,” you said after handing her a mug. “For once, I was the late one and James had an emergency come up so it was a huge help.”

“And how are things now, with the co-parenting?”

You took a sip of your tea, “Weirdly good,” you admitted. “We don’t argue as much which is nice and Julian gets to see his dad more.”

“Do you think maybe you’re not fighting because he’s changing?” she asked.

“I don’t wanna go down that path,” you shook your head. “If Jay hadn’t been diagnosed things would still be the same as they always were.”

“But they’re not. More often than not people show their true colours during times of difficulty.”

You took a deep breath and sighed, “If that was the case I would have seen something worth keeping when my marriage was falling apart.”

Mahlet nodded, seeing as you had a point and your conversation was halted as they boys came out of Julian’s room.

Mahlet and Hennock left shortly afterwards and you quickly got Julian ready for bed, tucking him in and then going to get settled yourself. You looked through a few client papers for work before calling it a night and turning off your bedside lamp, curling into bed and falling asleep.

Your sleep was interrupted in the middle of the night by a tapping on your shoulder and when you blinked your eyes open you saw Julian standing next to your bed.

“Jay, sweetheart, is something wrong?” you asked.

“My stomach really hurts,” he told you and you sat up, motioning for him to come sit with you on the bed.

“Where?” you asked, turning on the light and he pointed to the upper right corner of his abdomen. If you remembered correctly that wasn’t exactly where his stomach was and your suspicions were confirmed when you saw the yellowing whites of his eyes. “Oh, sweetheart, I think we have to go to the hospital.”

“The hospital? What happened?” Julian looked worried and you assured him everything would be alright.

“We’re just being safe,” you told him. “I’m gonna call your dad, maybe he can tell us a little bit more of what’s going on. Do you feel good enough to get your jacket and shoes and your hospital bag?”

Julian nodded his head and you gave him a kiss and he went off to grab his things while you did the same, but also taking your cell phone and calling James.

It took a few rings, but he eventually picked up.

“Hey, did something happen?” he asked and you could still hear the sleep thick in his voice.

“I think something’s wrong with Julian. I’m gonna take him to the hospital, can you meet us there?”

“Yeah, of course, I’m on my way.”

“James…the whites of his eyes were yellow. Does he have jaundice?” you asked.

“It’s possible, was there anything else?”

“Yeah, he mentioned stomach pain, but he pointed to like his upper right abdomen, I think,” you explained while grabbing your bag and putting on some socks.

“Makes sense as a liver issue,” you could hear his car starting in the background. “If he’s presenting symptoms now I would call an ambulance.”

“James-,”

“Just trust me,” he said. “Call 911.”

“Okay,” you nodded your head and hung up, calling the emergency services and explaining the situation to them and then to Julian while you waited for them to arrive.

James made the right call, seeing as while you were in the ambulance Julian began to throw up and the paramedics obviously handled it better than you could have if you had driven him.

When you arrived at the ER they wheeled Julian away and you began getting flashbacks to when you first brought him in.

“Where are you taking him?” you called after them, but no one answered you. “What the hell kind of hospital is this?! Where are you taking my son?!”

“Ma’am they're taking your son to do a liver biopsy,” one of the nurses came back and informed you. “We need you to sign this consent form.”

You nodded your head and took the pen from her hand, signing it, but just as you were about to ask her a question she ran off to give them the okay.

You could feel your anger and worry bubbling inside your throat and you wanted to let it out in a scream and you were about to go running after her, but before you could you felt someone grab your wrist and pull you back.

“James let me go,” you said warningly, looking back at your ex-husband.

“No,” he stated just as firmly.

“James-,”

“I am not going to let you do something you’re going to regret,” he said and pulled you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you, even when you pushed to get away.

“James, let me go.”

“No,” he repeated and simply held onto you tighter.

“Let me-,” your voice broke and you stopped pushing away. “Please, Jamie, please I just want to see him,” you cried into his shirt and he squeezed you so tight you thought you might get bruises in your arm from the way he was holding you.

“I know, I know,” he whispered. “You brought him here and he’s going to be fine.”

“I can’t do this anymore, James. I can't be his mom and his doctor and they can’t expect me to wait out here while they drag him away and ask me to consent to God knows what.”

James didn’t know what to tell you, instead he just continued to hold you close, rubbing his hands up and down your back, and pressed a soft kiss against your temple.

You wrapped your arms around him and finally let yourself fully sink into his embrace, hating yourself for how much you liked it and how good it made you feel while your son was in some back corner of the ER getting a piece of his liver biopsied.

Eventually James pulled away from you, helping you dry your tears on the sleeve of his sweater and walking with his arm wrapped around you to the waiting area. You didn’t know how long you were sitting there, but it was possible that you had dozed off once or twice against James’ arm, waiting to hear some sort of news from the ER doctor.

“Mr. and Mrs. Wilson?”

Your eyes blinked open when James gently shook you awake.

“That’s us,” he said. “Is Julian okay?”

“Your son has a mild case of cirrhosis,” the doctor explained. “Due to his cystic fibrosis diagnosis we believe this is due to clogging and inflammation in his bile ducts.”

“What does that mean for him? Does he need surgery to fix it?” you asked, fighting back a tired yawn.

“Unfortunately, yes,” the doctor nodded. “It’s good you caught it early, there’s minimal damage to his liver so far and he’s still growing which means his liver is too. We can get him into an OR tomorrow if you consent to the surgery.”

You looked over at James and he nodded his head. You trusted him and told the doctor you would sign the papers as soon as you could see Julian.

“He’s been moved to the pediatric ward for now and Dr. Liu has been informed of the development. He should be in touch with you tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” James said and when the doctor left, he helped you up and you began the walk up to the pediatric ward.

When you arrived a nurse pointed you in the direction of his room and after each pressing a kiss to Julain’s forehead you sat on the seat bench together.

“We should sleep,” James said, but you had a hard time imagining how that would be possible.

“I’m having a hard time working out the logistics,” you admitted.

“Come on, it’ll be just like on the way back from our honeymoon,” he insisted, recalling your extremely delayed flight on the way back from France, causing you to sleep with your head on James’ lap, stretched out along the airport chairs.

You were too tired to argue or try and find another way, so you leaned down and rested your head against his legs, closing your eyes and sighing when you felt his hand rub up and down in long motions along the side of your body. Sleep could not have come quicker.

—

“Mom…Mom, Dad?”

Julian rolled his eyes when he received no answer and grabbed the stuffed animal you had placed next to him when he’d come into the room and threw it at his sleeping parents, nailing his dad in the face.

“Oh, God, mhm, wake up,” James shook you while he raised his hands to rub his face.

“Huh?” you opened your eyes and pushed yourself off of James’ lap. “Oh crap, my back. Remind me not to listen to you when you talk about doing something I did ten years ago.”

“Julian, did you throw Steggy at my face?” James asked, picking up the stuffed animal from where it had fallen on you.

“You weren’t getting up,” Julian shrugged his shoulders.

“Julian,” you chastised and took the dinosaur from James’ hand. “You could have hurt your dad’s important doctor-face,” you joked and rubbed your hand all over James’ face making Julian laugh.

“Okay, okay,” James moved your hand away and gave you a look.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” you yawned and moved from the bench to the side of his bed.

“A little better,” he said. “Did the doctors fix what was wrong?”

“Not yet,” James shook his head and came to sit next to you and placed a hand on Julian’s. “You’re gonna have to go in for surgery today.”

“A surgery?” Julian looked a little nervous. “Like cut me open?”

“It’ll be just a line right here,” James drew it with his finger along Julian’s abdomen. “They’re going to fix a part of you called your bile duct and then sew you right back up and you’ll be good as new.”

“Is it dangerous?” he asked.

You looked over at James, a small note telling him to lie to make him feel better. He didn’t need to know all the details.

“No,” James shook his head. “You’re gonna be fine and your mom and I will be here the whole time.”

“Promise?” Julian whispered.

“Swear on it,” James leaned in towards his son and snuck a kiss to his cheek. “We love you, buddy.”

“I love you guys too.”

Dr. Liu came by a little while later to inform you what time the surgery was scheduled for and he helped make Julian feel a lot better about the procedure. When it was finally time for him to go, you were a nervous wreck, but tried not to let it show for Julian’s sake, instead just pressing a big kiss to his forehead and telling him you’d be waiting for him once he got out.

It only took about fifteen minutes of your pacing to get James to grab onto your arm and make you stop.

“You’re gonna burn a hole in the ground,” he said.

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” you admitted. “If I sit I’m gonna fidget, if I stand I’m going to pace.”

“Then come on, let’s go to my office for a second, grab a coffee and a snack and then we can come back out and wait,” he suggested.

You agreed to his idea so he stood up and you walked side by side to his office, passing House who had some comment about your dishevelled appearance together.

“You’re an interesting man, Greg,” you shook your head at him. “You can’t think of any other reason we might be here?”

House was silent so James explained,

“Julian’s in surgery right now. He’s got cirrhosis.”

“Ah so not a late night ex-wife rendez-vous. Can’t get ‘em right all the time,” he shrugged and you chuckled. “I hope the kid’s alright.”

“Thanks, that means a lot coming from you,” you admitted.

He raised his brows and lifted his cane to say goodbye, letting you and James continue your walk to his office.

“House mind that you’re not spending as much time here?” you asked.

“No, he just bothers me more when I am around,” James said while opening the door and letting you inside.

He went towards his desk and pulled out a few packages of snacks tossing you one and you shook your head when you saw the label.

“You still eat these? I thought the FDA recalled them?” you asked sarcastically.

“I’m sorry I have better taste in food than you do,” he said right back.

“Right, this is food,” you chuckled. “And if you have such good taste why didn’t your mom tell you about her secret ingredient?”

“That’s cold,” he pointed to you with a bag of chips in his hand.

“No, it’s true. Just like your dad telling me I was his favourite wife of yours,” you opened the bag James had tossed you.

“Just shut up and eat your snack,” James chuckled and you listened to him, beginning to eat a little something, not realizing how hungry you were until the food made its way to your stomach.

“You got another one of these?” you asked and he nodded, passing it to you when you were finished with the first one.

“Feeling a little better?” James asked and you nodded your head.

“Hey James?” you said, unsure of how you’d gotten to this point, but you were too exhausted to stop yourself from saying it. “I want you to move back in.”

“You want me to do what?” he raised his brows and looked at you stunned.

“I want you to move back in with me and Julian,” you said. “It’s becoming pretty clear to me that it’s safer to have two people around when possible than not and you’re already around all the time now.”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” he asked. “I mean you didn’t want to give Julian the wrong idea about us.��

“Our lives changed the second we got that diagnosis. I think we need to change along with everything else.”

You couldn’t believe that just barely twelve hours ago you were telling your friend there was no chance James had changed, but here you were saying things that had proved you had changed. Things you wouldn’t have dreamt of saying a year ago.

“Okay,” James nodded. “I’ll move back in.”

You just silently hoped you wouldn’t regret asking.

Waiting for Julian to get out of surgery was a little easier now that you had some food in your stomach and you decided to wait on coffee until you got the note from the surgeon that everything had gone well.

As James had continued to assure you almost a hundred times, the surgery went fine and before you knew it you were back in Julian’s room watching him sleep off the anaesthetic.

“You know he looks like you when he sleeps,” James said from the bench while you sat on the bed next to Julian.

“He does?”

“Yeah, his nose does that same scrunchy thing when he sniffles and when he snores-,”

“Hey, I only snore when I’m congested,” you said defensively.

“I never minded,” James smiled. “I thought it was cute when you sounded like an old man.”

“Yeah, but you’re not fond of all my old man characteristics,” you turned around to face him, still holding Julian’s hand in yours.

“All your old man characteristics?” James furrowed his brows in confusion.

“You told me I argued like an old man. Stubborn and could only see my own way. And I fought dirty.”

“You sure did,” James nodded. “If you brandishing my mother’s clear favouritism shows anything, it’s definitely that you fight dirty, but I never said I disliked that about you.”

“Really? Near the end I thought there was a lot you disliked about me.”

James shook his head, “No, I was just upset and you were passionate. It wasn’t like my other marriages where things just…fizzled.”

“We did go out with a bang,” you inhaled deeply.

“If it weren’t for Julian… do you think we’d…”

You shook your head.

“No, we probably never would have seen each other again. Another old man trait, I hold a pretty mean grudge.”

James pressed his lips together and looked over at his sleeping son.

“I’m happy we had him,” he said quietly. “Even if we didn’t work out.”

“Me too,” you agreed, looking over at Julian quietly snoring, just like his dad had said. “Best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

You leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Julian’s nose watching him scrunch it up, making you smile. It was a miracle that two such flawed individuals could make a child so perfect.

—

“Alright, he is asleep, but I do warn you it took some bribery so you’ll have to buy him another dinosaur book to read to him at night,” you walked out of Julian’s room, dusting your hands off like you’d just finished a heavy labour job.

“I’ll run to the bookstore tomorrow,” James nodded and you fell onto the couch next to him and sighing as you sunk into the plush fabric before noticing what he was doing.

“Where did you pull these out of?” you asked with a soft chuckle.

“I was just clearing up the closet in the guest bedroom and I found a box of these,” he picked up the albums. “Look at this one.”

He placed the book of photos on your lap and you smiled seeing as it was Julian’s baby album, filled with small mementos and little notes you and James had made in the margins.

“Oh my God, Mom’s first day home, she looks like an angel,” you read from the side. “And my response: I look like I just got hit by a bus, cut it out.”

“You can still read my chicken scratch writing?” James asked.

“My most useless talent as I like to call it,” you nodded. “You wrote a lot in here.”

“I used to bring it with me to work cause I missed you guys so much,” he admitted. “Made me feel closer to you.”

You read through some of the notes in the book, chuckling a little at some of the written back and forth you had. Eventually you got to the family portraits you’d had taken a few months after Julian was born, smiling softly to yourself.

You remembered the day well, you felt like you hadn’t slept in weeks, James was just getting off of a twelve-hour shift and you were almost late to your appointment with the photographer. You were worried everything was going to look terrible and you’d barely had enough time to do your hair or makeup, but James had silenced your worries with a kiss and assured you the pictures would be fine.

In the end most of them were terrible, but the photographer managed to get two shots, one of you and James smiling down at Julian in your arms and another immediately after where you were looking up and smiling at each other.

“That session was a shitshow,” you recalled and James agreed. “We did get a few nice things out of it though.”

You looked back down at the pile of albums in front of you and noticed a large white one, tucked under a few things and even though nothing good could come of it, you pulled it out from the bottom of the pile, carefully blowing off the dust and turning the first page.

Centerfold, just like you remembered it, was a picture of you and James on your wedding day. You leaned further back into the couch and James scooched in closer to get a look.

You both looked younger in the picture, with that spark of je ne sais quoi in your eyes.

“I told you there was a reason we got married,” he said quietly, his hand brushing the corner of the photo.

“Yeah, we loved each other,” you said. “That was the reason.”

“Same reason we decided to have Julian,” he added.

You could feel your breathing become a little more shallow and a tightness in your chest as James spoke about Julian. You remembered the conversations so clearly, like you’d had them yesterday, caught between happy and passionate kisses while James made some dirty jokes about getting you pregnant.

That was back when he still couldn’t get enough of you. Before things changed and he slowly distanced himself until it felt like it was just you and Julian against the rest of the world, and not the three of you like he had promised all those nights throughout your pregnancy.

You wondered quietly to yourself what had changed? What had become so unbearable that there was distance in the first place? There was never a lack of love on your end which is why this was dangerous.

At least when there was distance you could be angry with him, you could go to bed at night and not remember all the little things that made you love him in the first place. He wasn’t there as a constant reminder that you loved his cooking, or even just your banter together. More importantly, it was giving you new reasons to feel that fluttering feeling in your stomach.

You’d always loved how he’d interact with Julian, but now that you got to see it day in and day out, it made it harder to weigh that against the cons of everything. Most notably, this was the beginning of the end. If you let yourself fall you would both crash and Julian would be caught in the middle once again.

You tried to distract yourself by flipping through the album photos to find some funny old picture of a relative or maybe even an embarrassing moment to tone down whatever it was that looking at that picture was making you feel.

All you could focus on was how in every picture, almost without fail, James was looking over at you. Rarely into the camera along with everyone else. He was enamoured, that was the only word to describe it, and oh how much you missed that look.

You made the mistake of tearing away your gaze from the pictures, looking up at James instead, and for a moment you thought just maybe you saw that same look in his eyes. But no. It couldn’t have been. The dim light of the lamp must have been playing tricks on you.

Finally you closed the album and put it back down, unsure of what feelings might resurface if you opened another one. Your honeymoon, family dinners and pictures were all just reminders of the happy times, not what came after.

James did what you didn’t want to, grabbing another album and sifting through the pages until he found what he was looking for, taking a picture out of its protective sleeve and showing it to you.

“Can I keep this one?” he asked.

You took it from his hands, examining it while your fingers precariously held the edges of the photograph.

It was a silly picture, something you had taken while you were travelling. James got someone to take the camera, but along with snapping a few shots while you were posed with smiles they caught a few candids, most notably, James kissing your cheek while you laughed and tried to squirm out of his grasp.

Your finger gently brushed over the spot on the photo where James’ lips were against your cheek before nodding your head.

“Sure, you can have it,” you handed him back the picture and patted your hands against your legs, preparing to stand up. “I should get to bed.”

“I’ll be out here for a while longer if you need anything.”

You gave him a tight lipped smile and stood up, walking towards your bedroom. When you closed the door behind you, you let out a breath you had been holding and ran a hand across your face.

Maybe Julian was never the one at risk of getting the wrong idea.

—

Waking up in the middle of the night always made you feel uneasy. Especially if Julian was the one waking you up. The chance that you’d have to drive to the hospital or call an ambulance was high and you hated the fear and worry that came along with any possible complications.

Tonight, you woke up on your own accord. Your heart was beating inside your throat and your stomach felt like it was housing a group of persistent butterflies.

You glanced over at the clock and saw the time, flashing in red.

3:07

You took a deep breath trying to steady your heart rate and breathing before peeling away your blanket and kicking your feet over the side of the bed. You grabbed a different pair of pyjamas from your dresser and walked into the washroom, tossing them on the far end of the floor while you stripped down and turned on the water for the shower.

When you stepped inside you hissed initially at the cold, but forced yourself to become fully submerged under the water, closing the curtain behind you. Your muscles clenched as your body adjusted to the temperature, and when the time finally came you let your thoughts and dreams become washed away by the water coming out of the shower head.

You were simply standing there, letting the water fall on your face when you heard the click of the door opening.

“Julian, sweetie,” you sighed, turning around so you could speak. “Maybe you should go to your dad if something’s wrong, I’ll come out in a sec.”

“No need,” you heard a voice that did not belong to your son.

“James? I’m in the shower. What are you doing?” you asked incredulously, feeling the need to cover yourself up even though there was a curtain blocking his view. You felt exposed nonetheless.

“It’s three in the morning, I thought something was wrong, I came to check on you,” he explained.

“And what were you doing up?” you asked.

“Got in late. There was an emergency at the hospital after you guys went to sleep, I dealt with it and just came back.”

You stepped under the running water again, washing the water over your face with your hands.

“So, is everything okay?”

“Peachy,” you said sarcastically, leaning against the wall of the shower.

“Nobody ever says peachy when things are okay,” James pushed further and you sighed, moving to sit down on the floor of the shower, still positioned under the water.

“I just had a dream, that’s all,” you said, watching as the water hit your toes and the ground around you.

“A bad dream?” he asked.

“No, it was more like… déjà vu.”

James sighed, and rubbed his hands on his legs.

“Was it about us?”

He took your silence as a yes.

James didn’t really know what to say, his hands were clasped together as he leaned forward sitting on the bathroom counter.

“You’re not gonna ask what it’s about?” you hugged your knees close to your chest.

“Would you tell me?”

“Maybe…I don’t know,” you mumbled.

There was another moment of silence before James spoke up again,

“What was it about?”

You turned to face the water with your eyes closed again, gathering the courage to speak.

“It started when I told you I was pregnant,” you said softly. “Like the memory replayed in my head, exactly how it happened.”

“I remember that day,” you heard the soft smile in his voice as he spoke. “You took the test at work and when it came back positive you came straight to the hospital to tell me.”

“I was barely two steps inside your office when I blurted it out, you were eating lunch and had that stupid look on your face with a mouth full of sandwich,” you chuckled to yourself.

“I almost choked on that,” James shook his head. “And I just remember running up to you and freaking out.”

“And then when you were done freaking out and everything sunk in you kissed me, and you told me you loved me, and we cried because we made a child. Our love did that.”

You reached forward and turned the shower off, pushing yourself up on your feet and taking a deep breath before pulling back the curtain. You had told him what you were thinking. You couldn’t get any more exposed than that.

James looked stunned for a moment and it didn’t go unnoticed how his eyes raked up and down your figure.

“Get me the robe, would you?” you motioned to the back of the door and he jumped down grabbing the robe and holding it out for you so you could place your arms into the sleeves and wrap the towelled fabric around you, trying it off with the belt.

When you turned your head to look back at James, you could tell at least you’d succeeded in raising his heart rate, much like he was doing for you recently.

You moved to go sit on the closed toilet while James retook his spot on the counter.

“Do you remember when Julian was born?” he whispered.

“I like it was yesterday. I can’t believe it’s been eight years,” you nodded your head.

He was having trouble holding your gaze and you wondered what he was about to say.

“I-I screwed up,” his voice was soft, almost hurt, like it pained him to think about what he had done. “When you were resting afterwards the nurse asked me if we were going to do a newborn screening. We hadn’t talked about it, but you were so tired and it was such a hard labour…” he swallowed thickly, his voice wavering slightly, remembering the birth. It wasn’t easy by any means and James had often thought that the hardest thing he’d ever had to watch was you in that much pain. “I told her we weren’t going to do it. I just didn’t want Julian to leave and h-he looked so perfect I never thought anything could have been wrong with him.”

James took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, “I am a doctor and I didn’t get a newborn screening for my son, what the hell kind of father does that make me?”

“Oddly enough, I think it makes you a good one,” you admitted.

“Even though we could have known about this years before? We could have gotten him treatment, medication, therapies, all sooner?” he looked back at you confused.

“You said it yourself, Jamie. He was perfect for us. Still is.”

James nodded his head and looked forward at the opposite wall. You stood up and walked over towards him, reaching out a hand to gently hold his face, your thumb brushing against his cheek while he looked at you.

“I don’t blame you for this,” you whispered. “I don’t blame you and I don’t think you’re a bad father.”

“I know,” he murmured, “but I do.”

You leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek, not knowing what other comfort you could offer.

James leaned in a little to your touch, sitting up straighter when it was gone, trying to play it off like he hadn’t been missing it and craving it as much as you.

You were about to say something when you heard a knock on the washroom door, and this time it had to be Julian.

“Mom? Dad, are you in here too?” you could hear his small sounding voice, a little strained and worried so you quickly assured him you were both inside and opened the door.

“Sweetheart, what happened?” you asked, noticing his tear-stained face.

“I just had a bad dream,” he sniffed and wiped his eyes.

You kissed away his tears first before assuring him everything would be fine, you and James were there to take care of him.

“Why don’t you go and lay down on my bed with your Dad?” you suggested. “I’ll get dressed and come join you.”

Julian nodded and made his way over to your bed while you went to quickly speak to James.

“It’ll be good for you. Both of you,” you told him.

“You don’t mind?”

“Just this once.”

James thanked you with a kiss to your cheek and left the adjoining washroom, closing the door behind him and giving you a minute to get changed and deal with anything you needed to before going back to bed.

When you opened the door and came back into your room, you saw James under the covers with Julian pressed close to him, their foreheads resting together while James told him everything was going to be alright and he could go back to sleep.

You slipped in under the covers, sandwiching Julian between you both, letting his back rest against your chest while you pressed a kiss to his hair.

One hand was tucked under your pillow and another was draped over Julian, and your fingers carefully placed over top of James’.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” Julian asked his dad.

“Right next to you,” he kissed his nose. “Now try to get some sleep, okay?”

Julian nodded his head and yawned and you whispered a quiet goodnight to bed him and his dad before letting your eyes close, silently smiling when you could feel James’ hand finally hold your own.

—

“You guys, relax, he’s going to be fine,” Mahlet placed a hand on both yours and James’ shoulders while you spewed out your worries. “It’s one night, I have the whole list of things he needs and I’ve taken care of him before, right? It’s just at my house this time so the boys can have a sleepover and you two can have a bit of a break.”

“She’s right,” James sighed. “I’m still worried out of my mind, but she’s right.”

“Mahi, are you sure you don’t want us to come even for a little bit?” you asked.

“Absolutely, if something happens I’ll call an ambulance and then you, but Julian’s been good for months now, he can survive one night away from home,” she assured you.

“Thank you, Mahlet. I’m sure Julian and Hennock will have a great time tonight. Just call us when he’s ready to be picked up tomorrow morning,” James said.

James wrapped his arm around you, giving you a squeeze knowing you were still uneasy about this, but deep down you knew Mahlet was right. The chances of something going wrong at this point were small and you’d had enough time since your last hospital visit to even consider doing something like this.

“You boys ready?” James called and Julian came rushing out of the room with his bag in hand, Hennock following close behind him.

“You have fun tonight, okay?” you bent down and gave Julian a kiss. “And if anything happens or you feel sick, or are having trouble breathing, tell Mahlet, okay?”

“I know, Mom. Dad already told me this like fifteen times,” Julian chuckled.

You looked up at James and he shrugged.

“Alright, well you guys better go before I change my mind,” you crossed your arms over your chest and that was all the permission the boys needed to run off, leaving Mahlet to say goodbye before stepping out and closing the door behind her.

You sighed and turned around, looking at James who had his hands shoved into his pockets.

“You hungry?” he asked.

“I could eat,” you nodded your head.

“Why don’t we make something for dinner together?” he suggested.

You looked at the clock and smiled, “I think we’ve got enough time for pizza, what do you think?”

“I think that’s a great plan,” James agreed. “I can start on the dough and you get the sauce and toppings?”

You gave him a thumbs up before putting your hand out to high-five him, noticing how your fingers so easily intertwined before you walked apart and let go.

James rolled up his sleeves and took off his watch, placing it on the small jewelry tray you kept by the sink for when you were washing dishes, while you went to the fridge and began pulling out all the things that could make good pizza toppings.

Moving to the sink to wash some vegetables, you noticed James’ watch resting there. You didn’t pay much attention when he was wearing it, but now you realized why it looked extra familiar. It was one you had gotten him as an anniversary present after your first year married.

“You still wear that?” you pointed with your eyes to the watch.

“It’s my favourite watch, of course I wear it,” he nodded while portioning the flour into a large bowl.

“Even with that engraving?” you raised a questioning brow.

“Dearest Jamie, Here’s to the first of many happy anniversaries. Love forever, Your Wife,” he recited the engraving back to you.

“I don’t know why you do that to yourself,” you chuckled a little, looking down into the sink.

“Yeah, well why do you still go by Mrs. Wilson?”

“Easier to keep the name than change it again,” you partially lied, it wasn’t the full truth, but it was what you had been telling yourself ever since the divorce was finalized.

James could sense you were lying, but he knew the only way to get you to open up would be to let himself be open with you.

“The watch is my favourite because you gave it to me. Functionally it sucks and it's uncomfortable, but you went out of your way to get me something that looked nice and that’s why I love it.”

You smiled a little to yourself, but kept your head facing the sink and continued to wash the vegetables.

“You’re not going to say anything?” he inquired.

“Do I have to?” you asked.

“That’s normally how a conversation works,” he remarked and you chuckled.

“What do you want me to say?” you asked.

“Honestly, the real reason why you kept your married name,” he said plainly.

You sighed, “It wasn’t a full lie. If I went back to my maiden name Julian and I wouldn’t have the same last name it just makes things complicated and confusing and I didn’t want to deal with it, but,” you added, “I always kind of liked the sound of Mrs. Wilson and even though I was pissed at you all the time I still liked that there was one thing aside from Julian connecting us. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t want to end up like Sam or Bonnie just…detached, like there was barely a trace that you were even there.”

“It’s a fingerprint,” James said. “Mine.”

“Yeah, even though it's small for who we were to each other, it's the fingerprint you left on my life.”

James pressed his lips together and opened his mouth to say something before shutting it and evaluated how he was going to speak,

“Can I ask you something?” he settled on.

“Sure,” you nodded, moving over to the cutting board and placing yourself on the opposite side of the kitchen island.

“Did…Did you ever stop loving me?”

Your smile faltered and James noticed the change in your demeanor, quickly retracting his question.

“You know what, forget I asked,” he shook his head and continued to knead the dough.

There was a moment of silence before you spoke again.

“I didn’t, but I got tired of not being loved back.”

James stopped what he was doing and looked up at you with concern.

“You thought I stopped loving you?” he asked.

“James, I was wife number three. Didn’t take much to connect the dots and see you got tired of me,” you said bluntly. “I wanted to know if I could count on you, and it was starting to feel like maybe I couldn’t. Then the divorce happened and everything after that just made me feel like I was right.”

James chewed on the inside of his cheek and remained silent.

“You didn’t fight for me,” you said quietly. “You fought for joint custody, but you didn’t fight for me. You just…accepted it.”

“I…I didn’t know you wanted me to fight for you.”

“Are you saying you would have?” you asked, unsure of whether or not you wanted to hear his answer.

“I’m saying I thought I didn’t even have a chance,” he admitted.

“So you wouldn’t have,” you clarified for him, beginning to chop the toppings into pieces and separate them into bowls.

He chuckled humourlessly, “I have dated one person since the divorce. I hated it.”

“Why do you have to talk in puzzles, James? Why can’t you just come out and say what you really mean?”

“And then what?” he asked. “We go back to living in the same house. Sleep in separate rooms. Move on now that we know the truth?”

“Say it,” you put the knife down and looked him right in the eyes.

“What are you going to do about it?” he asked, cleaning the dough off his hand. “I’m going to say it and you’re just going to stand there and I have to live with that?”

You walked around the counter and came right up in front of him.

“If you were listening to anything I was saying, you would stop making excuses and say it.”

“Fine!” he threw his hands up in the air. “I still love you. I never stopped loving you. These past few months, even though stressful, have been the happiest I’ve been in so long because I feel like myself again when I’m with you and Julian. Because I feel like your husband, and I feel like a father and I keep kicking myself wondering how I could have been so stupid to lose that.”

“Say it one more time,” you whispered, lifting your hands to hold onto his face. “Please.”

“I love you,” his voice was softer, relieved like after being underwater he could finally breathe again.

You finally pulled him into you, your lips hesitantly resting on his at first, before you found your rhythm again after so long. It was muscle memory, his hands finding the spot they always rested against on your hips, his lips moving in synch with yours, eventually trailing off and finding their favourite spot against your jaw and behind your ear.

“James,” you breathed.

“Jamie,” he mumbled against your skin. “Call me Jamie.”

“Jamie, Jamie, Jamie,” you repeated the nickname until he silenced you with another kiss, muffling your voice.

“God, I missed you,” he whispered when you pulled apart, breathing heavily due to your fast beating heart.

You closed your eyes while your forehead rested against his, feeling his nose touch yours, his hands still firmly planted on your hips when your thumbs brushed against his cheeks.

“Jamie?”

James snuck another small kiss at the sound of the nickname.

“Yes, my love.”

“Can I count on you?”

You could feel him nod his head and confirm with a verbal ‘yes’. And even if it turned out to be a lie, at that moment you didn’t care. He had proved to you that it was possible, you could work with that.

“I love you,” you said and kissed his nose and then you said it and kissed him again for good measure. “You told me twice; I tell you twice.”

James moved his hands up from your hips and brushed the back of his fingers against your cheek, a warm smile coming to his face.

And there was that look, the one you thought had vanished over time. His eyes fully transfixed on you with nothing but love and admiration. It didn’t take much to convince yourself you could get used to seeing that look for a long, long time.

TAGLIST —

@cuntyvicodin @paola-carter

#james wilson #james wilson x reader #james wilson x you #dr wilson #dr wilson x reader #dr wilson x you #house md #house md fanfiction #house md x reader #hate crimes md #james wilson fanfiction #james wilson fanfic #james wilson fic

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ddejavvu · 2 years ago

Note

(How's this?)

"Sit," Hotch demanded, surprising you with how different he sounded.

"Sit," Hotch demanded, surprising you with how different he sounded. You're used to hearing him talk as Agent Hotchner, not Aaron. You feel his hand on your shoulder and it guides you into the chair in front of his desk. You sink into its plush cushions with a weary sigh, head still spinning.

"Are you alright?" He sits behind his desk, hands folded over the wood. You nod without looking at him, eyes droopy.

"That was quite a fall." He continues, as if you've somehow forgotten your near-faint. You were just lucky Aaron had the reflexes to sling an arm around your stomach and yank you backwards into his chest, or you'd have hit the ground.

All you can do is nod, and you hear him sigh almost inaudibly.

"Are you sick? Low iron? Bad lunch? I need to know what we're working with here."

"Low iron." You confirm, "It just happens sometimes when I stand up.

Your eyes are so heavy that they feel itchy, and you rub at them with an angry fist. The pressure against your eyes hurts, but it's better than the itch.

You feel a warm, soft hand on yours, gently pulling your hand away from your eyes. When you peek them open, your vision is sticky and hazy, but you see Aaron's kind smile from over the desk.

"Do you take supplements?"

"I forgot mine this morning," You mumble, but he doesn't take his hand away from your wrist, so you don't pull it back. He lowers his hand to the desk, and it holds your wrist in a soft, reassuring grip.

"You don't live far, do you? How about you drive back and grab them? We're not busy today, you can leave the office."

"I can't drive," You shake your head, still groggy, "I take the subway. It'll take too long, and I might pass out on the train."

"I'll drive you."

He only breaks away from your skin-to-skin contact to dig through his pockets for his keys, rising from his seat. You blink bewilderedly up at him, mouth falling open slightly, "What?"

"We can stop by your apartment and you can take your pills," He explains, as if you wanted clarification on the process and not his logic, "I finished a report just an hour or two ago, my desk is clear."

"It's okay," You protest weakly, feeling an ache in your chest that bottoms out into your stomach, "You said it yourself, it's not busy today, so I can just wait. I'll take it easy at my desk and hopefully I'll be subway-ready afterwards."

"Y/N," Aaron stops by the door of his office, hand already twisting the knob, "You need your medicine. Let's go."

You feel strange as you scramble to obey his authoritative tone, and when you rise to your feet you grip the back of the chair for balance. In seconds his hand is off of the door and under your arm, lifting it so that you stay upright.

"I'm parked in the garage," He informs you, "Too long of a walk for you. Sit with Prentiss, she's closest, and I'll pull the car around, 'come get you."

"Hotch, really, it's alright, I can walk. You're offering me a free ride," You try ignoring the pounding in your head, "The least I can do is make it to the car."

"Sit with Prentiss." He blinks unamused at you, "That's an order."

The aforementioned agent welcomes you to her desk with a sympathetic smile, her hand replacing Hotch's under your arm. She slips it down to your side as you lower yourself into her chair, and you bid Hotch a goodbye that he doesn't see as his back is turned.

"Feeling better, honey?"

"I will once I get my meds." You assure her, "Thanks, Emily."

"Anytime." She rubs a soft hand over your back, "Hotch is driving you?"

"I told him he didn't have to."

She lets out a snort, but you don't see the accompanying smirk from where you're holding your head in your hands.

"I bet he threw a fit."

"Hm?"

"When you told him not to take you home. Hey, Morgan!" She snaps once to get the man's attention, who looks up from his desk with a raised eyebrow.

"Do you think he's gonna stand in front of her and watch her take the pills?"

"Like I do with my mom," Reid snickers, pink lips twisted into a barely-withheld grin.

"Well she can't take 'em on an empty stomach, maybe he'll buy her dinner and chew her food for her."

There's a round of 'ohhh's, and 'eeewww's from your fellow profilers but you're having trouble keeping up with the conversation. Their voices mellow out into a dull whine in your head, the last word you hear something about kissing. You're too spacey to evaluate it in context.

The next thing you know, there's a hand around your jaw.

"Hey," a voice speaks, low and soothing, "Y/N?"

Your eyes blink open, weary, "Yeah?"

"Time to go," It's Aaron, and the rare smile on his face gives you enough peace of mind to follow him. You don't remember where he's taking you, or where you are now, but you know it's safe, and you let him tug you up out of the chair.

Your head falls against his shoulder and he lets it rest there, keys in his hand as he keeps an arm around your back. He leads you out of the office, but you don't react when your team members bid you goodbye, too groggy to register them.

What you do register is the soft hum of Aaron's voice, moreso when it's in your face than above your head. He helps you into his car and leans in to buckle your seatbelt, leaving his hand on your thigh, close to your knee, as he catches your attention.

"You can have the rest of the day off, alright? You're almost home, you can get in bed and rest for the day."

"I can work," You drawl, voice not all there, "I'll be better later."

"It's okay," He assures you, squeezing your leg, "Just sleep, okay?"

You don't mean to take his order so literally. But he doesn't wake you up, and when your eyes do flutter open you find yourself in your bed, blankets tucked carefully around you.

You spot the pills on your side table as soon as you turn, bright orange and chalky. They sit beside a full glass of water, and a note.

I picked up a bottle of your supplements to keep in the bureau's kitchen, it reads, Sleep well, Y/N.

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner scenario #aaron hotchner oneshot #aaron hotchner one-shot #aaron hotchner one shot #aaron hotchner headcanon #aaron hotchner headcanons #aaron hotchner hc #aaron hotchner hcs #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner blurb #aaron hotchner drabble #aaron hotchner dialogue #aaron hotchner fluff #aaron hotchner x reader fanfiction

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angryschnauzer · 1 year ago

Text

12th November 2023

I know some of you lovely people have been worried and have contacted mutuals to see if there is an update on my husband, so rather than have their inboxes clogged with asks i thought it best to update you whilst i have a spare moment.

Whilst hubby was in Swansea hospital he had an MRI and full body CT scan. The MRI showed a tumour on his frontal lobe that was 3.2cm long. This is classed as a major tumour. They advised that to have it treated in Wales we would have to relocate there and change address, which just wasn't feasible as our 8yo son still needs to go to school and it's better we come back to our home near London.

My Dad very kindly drove all the way to Wales to pick us up and drive us back, i wasnt in any fit state to drive so we had to abandon hubbys car at my MIL's.

Now that we are home we also learned that in hubbys seizures he broke his shoulder bone where the force of his muscles seizing was so strong the tendon ripped the bone in half. He also herniated 3 disks in his back, and has thankfully had osteopathy on those to help them heal.

We are now waiting to be seen by a Neurologist this week. Hubby is 99% likely to have brain surgery to remove the tumour. A biopsy on the tumour will then happen and if its found to be cancerous then he will have chemo and radiotherapy.

He's well in himself, and the short term memory loss/temporary dementia he was showing signs of have now eased thankfully. He's struggling with the broken shoulder as its his dominant arm, and will need surgery to fix it, but due to the severity of the tumour that takes precidence. I'd rather have a one armed living husband than a dead one with a mended arm.

Little Dude is holding up ok. He doesn't know it could be cancer and he doesnt even know what cancer is. We've told him Daddy has a lump in his brain that he will need an operation to remove, and might need some treatment afterwards to make sure it kills off the infection.

Ironically things i have been chasing for little dude medically for months finally got put into place this last week. In addition to his type 1 diabetes, he finally had his Asthma assessment and was confirmed to need an inhaler, and this week coming i finally have an appointment for him to be assessed for ADHD which i have been asking for him for years to be assessed.

So thats the update. I'm trying to stay positive but its a worrying time.

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cherryxblossxms · 2 years ago

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Masturbation May - Day 2a: With Toys (Nanami Kento)

A/N: This is part 1 of day 2, With Toys! I don't see Nanami as being that adventurous with using toys when he does masturbate, so this was very fun to explore and think of what he'd use when he's by himself. Nanami was suggested by an anonymous sender

Featuring: GN reader || Nanami x reader

Warnings: Use of sex toys: bullet vibrator, cock ring; slight nipple play, slight overstimulation, cumshot; reader is mentioned but this is Nanami focused

Word count: 1322

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You were killing Nanami.

You had left for a mission several days prior, and normally, this was no problem for him. Nanami could be surprisingly needy on occasion, but he had the self control and patience of a saint and could hold off on taking care of himself and any urges he had until you returned. Recently, however, you were testing that same patience to the edge of its limits.

He wasn't sure if you had some kind of objective in mind or maybe you were feeling needy yourself. But every other day since you'd left, you would send him a dirty video, ranging from strip teases initially, to finally full blown pleasuring yourself. The videos would sometimes arrive while he was in the middle of something, catching him off guard and making him turn his phone off until he could look at your message privately.

He was gifted at schooling his expressions, but when he was with Gojo, that man missed nothing. And the way Gojo would simply smile at him on such occasions made him think he probably knew what was happening, only serving to annoy him. When you'd sent your latest and most revealing video, Nanami could only thank his stars that it was a rare day off for him, given how quickly he got hard.

However, it meant he couldn't focus on or fully enjoy anything as he tried to move on with his day, such as baking, doing a puzzle, or tending to his plants. He hoped ignoring it would let his body settle down, but as time went on, his thoughts just grew dirtier and dirtier, plaguing him with tantalizing scenarios. It finally came to the point he needed to deal with his raging hormones, or he'd go crazy.

Nanami made his way back to your shared bedroom, stripping off his shirt as he stepped through the doorway. He knew doing this wouldn't be enough, that what he truly needed was to lose himself in you. Solo sessions weren't nearly as satisfying to him anymore, physically or emotionally, ever since you became a couple, but the fire in his groin made it feel like he'd explode if he waited even a moment longer.

You two had collected a variety of sex toys together to use in the bedroom. Although Nanami was very proficient at the use of his own body, it was still exciting to implement different toys to see how it enhanced your pleasure, and that's what he sought out now. He made a beeline for the dresser, opening up a lower drawer and locating your stash, picking up a bullet vibrator you both had come to enjoy. His eyes caught on a cock ring you had bought for him, and after a moment of deliberating, he grabbed it too. You hadn't had a chance to use it yet on him besides confirming the fit, but he knew what it could do for him.

Once he was settled on the bed with a bottle of lube and the toys, now rid of his pants, he wasted no time in sliding a hand down to wrap around his shaft. He was already semi-hard, so he quickly poured some lube and slid the cock ring on. Even without full stimulation, he felt himself grow fully hard soon afterward, the ring now snug on his shaft, and could feel himself twitch.

His thoughts drifted back to you as he finally rewarded himself with some stimulation, stroking himself leisurely at first, nearly melting from the instant pleasure and relief. As his pace slowly increased, he finally allowed his mind to wander back to you, and especially the enticing video you had sent him earlier. Just remembering it sent a spike of heat coursing through his body, only making him harder, and when combined with the cock ring, the head of his cock was an angry red. He couldn't believe the amount of pre-cum he was leaking, giving away how desperate he was and adding to the slippery nature of the lube.

Even though he gave you a stern warning when you sent the videos while he was busy, he did still appreciate it, knowing he was on your mind even when apart. That, and the videos were a boon for when you two were separated, letting him imagine you were still by his side and that it wasn't just his fist that he was fucking.

Using his free hand, he opened up his phone and started up the video you had sent. The angle didn't show your face, focused only on your busy hand as your fingers pumped in and out of your opening. But the microphone had picked up your audio, and even better, the sound of your wet fingers pleasuring yourself, quite clearly. He battled with himself between watching it or only listening, but finally let his eyes drift close as he continued stroking.

If he ignored the feeling of his own hand around his cock, he could almost picture you there with him, hearing your sighs and gasps of pleasure surround him. He could practically taste you on his tongue, imagine the feel of your lips around his cock, or the warmth of your thighs as you straddle his lap. But the stimulation still wasn't enough.

He opened his eyes and picked up the bullet vibrator. Pausing the video and setting aside his phone for now, he placed the vibrator against the underside of his shaft before turning it on. Instantly, he couldn't help the moan that spilled from his lips. The cock ring seemed to make everything more intense, and the strength of the stimulation was on the edge of overwhelming, especially as he moved it up to his frenulum.

His thighs quivered from the stimulation, and he alternated the placement of the vibrator, rubbing it up and down his shaft for the different intensity. As he did that, he reached up a hand to rub across his chest. You always enjoyed touching his chest during intimacy, particularly playing with his nipples, and Nanami had grown to expect that touch with you, becoming comforted by it. He experimentally flicked his nipple and was surprised by the pleasure it brought, and so continued flicking and lightly pinching, reveling in the sensations.

Finally, he could start to feel his own climax crest the horizon, his balls aching to unleash their load already. He quickly pressed play on your video to hear your sweet noises again, then continued his ministrations, breath heavy and sweat beaded across his body. He could start to hear your own climax approach, indicated by your volume and the pleading words you were mumbling, which only served to push him along.

It only took a few moments longer before his body seemed to tighten, then released all at once as the first hot ropes of cum shot out, a deep groan coming from his throat. He quickly angled his cock back, watching his seed shoot out and cover his quivering abdomen. The pleasure was intense and his climax seemed to last longer, maybe helped by the ring, and for a moment, it was as if he'd left his body.

Nanami worked the last of his release from his cock, letting the vibrator stay on a little longer and shaking as overstimulation let in, before quickly turning it off to finally relax. He let his head hang back, trying to catch his breath. Your video had ended shortly after your mutual climax, the room now silent of your lewd sounds and the noise of the vibrating, and he missed it already.

Even though it couldn't be helped, your absence had clearly affected him. As the post-nut clarity set in, he couldn't believe how desperate he'd been. It just proved to show how much he needed you now, and Nanami quickly sent a text to you wishing you well and reminding you to come home promptly.

#nanami x reader #nanami kento #jujutsu kaisen #jjk smut #nanami smut #spicy minx 🔥#the minx can write ✍️

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iwriteloveletters · 1 year ago

Text

Bring Me to Life (Yan!Eren Yeager x Reader)

Hello its me again! This is my first ever x reader fic and I had a lot of fun writing this, I hope if you stumble across this you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Warnings - None

Spoilers - NOT SPOILER FREE

Description - After Eren loses you, the love of his life, and then his own life. He goes back in time to a simpler time of the world including his own; where you're alive. He now decides he has to do whatever he needs to in order to save you.

Words - 3.5K

╔══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ══╗

Chapter One - Reunion

“I’ll see you later, Eren.” Was the last thing he heard before darkness flooded his vision. He heard sobs and screams echo amidst the darkness he saw. Still feeling the warmth of Mikasa's arms around his head.

He finally did it, he would think to himself. He started the rumbling and wiped out 80% of humanity, all at the cost of his own life in return for his friends' lives. But what about you? What happened to you?

You were killed during the attack on Marley, he saw it coming of course and didn’t do anything to stop it but it affected him more than expected. You were someone he admired, loved, and cherished. Of course it was going to affect him, but why didn’t he stop it? He had faith that you were gonna change your own future, you were going to survive and you were going to be seen as a hero just like the others; but instead you became a part of the statistic of soldiers that didn’t make it back home alive. You and Sasha never made it back home, neither did Hange. He thought the way a nineteen year old hopelessly in love would.

It was still dark but he was still conscious. He was supposed to be dead. Why is he still in the dark? He was expecting to be in Hell for his sins and crimes against humanity. All he knew was that this wasn’t the Paths, Purgatory, or Heaven. This was something entirely different.

The echoed screams and sobs abruptly stopped while he was questioning where he was, he heard a voice – it was Mikasa’s.

“Eren… Eren…” He heard her speak, her voice was higher pitched. She was younger.

He opened his eyes to the sight of her, the sunlight blinding him on top of that.

“Why were you crying?” She asked the now younger Eren, he touched his face and felt his wet cheek.

He looked down at his hands and it confirmed his thoughts, he was young again! Does that mean you were here too? He had to find out.

Mikasa waved her hands in front of his eyes, “Hello… Why were you crying? Are you okay?”

He came back to his new reality, once again lost in his thoughts, “I had a weird dream that’s all.” He said, excited to see all his friends again.

“About what?”

“I forgot.”

She helped him up from his spot under the tree and said that he needed to continue gathering wood for his mother. He felt a wave of emotion hit him.

His mom was back, his mom was back and she wasn't a Martyr for a nine year long goal. Not yet, did he have to witness it all again. He has to find everyone and everything he lost.

He nodded and followed Mikasa along. It was quiet, he used to hate silent walks but after everything that happened he can appreciate something as trivial as a silent walk for once in his life.

They bumped into Armin on the way home, saving him from the bullies he had, which he also appreciates. He gets to feel like the hero again even if the real hero was Mikasa, like always.

They all talked and shared laughs afterwards, Armin thanking them for their help and Mikasa and Eren saying it was no big deal; they were friends of course.

They were friends again. Eren’s heart was feeling full once again.

“Have you seen (Y/N)?” Eren blurted out, if everyone was fine and if this was his very real past, you were there too. You had to be there.

“Hmm…” Armin hummed, “I passed them while they were on the way to the market with their mom. Maybe they’re still there?”

“Wanna go meet up with them?” Mikasa adds.

Eren nodded as fast as he could, he wanted to see you more than anything, those four years away from you hurt more than anything. All the letters he wrote but couldn’t send out because he had a goal to focus on. How hurt you must have been to not be able to hear from him and die the same night you were supposed to reunite. How hurt he was to hear of your demise.

He remembers that night so clearly, he was only able to get a glimpse of you before overhearing from Connie and Armin that you were shot in the face right in front of Connie’s eyes after the mission was a half success. The ride home was Hell, that was his punishment.

He decided right in that alley that he would not let this happen again, he would stray from his intended path the way he thought you were going to. He would save and protect you from the cruelty of humanity.

“He seems so spaced out.” Armin said to Mikasa.

“I know, he’s been like this since I woke him up. Maybe he’s still tired.”

“I can hear you guys.”

“Well, we have been waiting for you so we can meet up with (Y/N)!” Armin tugged on his sleeve.

“Right, right. Let’s go, who knows how long they’ll be there for.”

Armin nodded and let Eren lead the way, he was so eager to reach you and see you once again for what felt like years. A moment away from you felt like he was back in the Paths, you could only imagine what the time after your death and Eren’s stay in Marley felt like.

“So Eren, have you been alright?” Armin questioned him, Eren has been silent this entire time and only speaks a minimum of 10 words every few minutes. Eren has never been the silent type. The young boy always had an opinion or a comment to make, he never held back so it was odd to see him like this.

“Yes.” He replied without a second thought.

But was he really fine? He was rightfully killed and suddenly he's ten years old meeting up with someone long gone. Someone innocent, someone who should have never been a soldier.

“Uhuh.” Mikasa muttered.

“Why wouldn’t I be fine?!” Eren raised his voice, there was the Eren they knew. The loud Eren, the Eren who didn’t care about who could hear him.

“Because this is the only time you raised your voice at us or anyone in general.” Armin chuckled.

“Well maybe my throat hurts and I didn’t wanna yell.” He whined.

The pair rolled their eyes in response to that, letting him slide with it today because clearly something more was up but they just couldn’t tell what. Mikasa was gonna be sure to interrogate him so she and Armin can know later on .

“(Y/N)!” Armin shouted and rushed towards you, Mikasa following. They were so happy to see you, it may have only been a few days but you were a very good friend of the trio; they were always gonna be happy to see you. You were like a missing piece to the puzzle, you got along with all three of them so well. It made your parents so delighted considering you didn’t have many friends before them. Eren met you on the right day at the right time and now you have three amazing friends.

There stood Eren, watching you. You were alive, he couldn’t believe it. He wanted to cry right in front of you three but he didn’t allow himself. It almost felt like a reunion, the reunion he wanted when he came back from Marley but wasn’t allowed to have. Instead he was met with both your demise and his.

“Eren?” Your voice snapped him back into reality, he really has to stop spacing out and processing everything in real time before you all make him see his dad about issues he can’t yet comprehend.

“Hm?” He hummed.

You let out a laugh at the sight of him trying to be aloof knowing he was far from it, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost and Mikasa and Armin agree you’ve been acting strange.”

He might as well have seen a ghost when he saw you, your cheeks flushed from walking around the long market for so long, your hair a slight mess from the wind, and your breathing were all indicators that you were alive and well. He still couldn’t have believed that he was staring and you and you were staring back at him.

He pulls you in for a hug, exhaling a large amount of air past your shoulder as though he were holding his breath, he was gonna cry he felt it. The painful lump in his throat stuck in place, preventing his ability to talk.

More memories came in, hitting him like a train. The grave, you never made it back home to receive the burial you wanted if you ever succumbed to the titans – but you succumbed to humanity instead, and the fact he never got to give you the life he promised you; even if you didn’t know it and it was impossible in the first place.

Before everything fell apart in the first life he took a moment alone to visit your grave site, adorned with flowers and your name engraved in it, but unfortunately there was nothing under it, it felt like he wasn’t seeing you and just a decorated rock. And that broke his heart, yet he didn’t allow himself to cry. The same way he’s not letting himself cry right now.

“Are you okay… when have you ever hugged anyone?” You asked, starting to worry about your friend.

Armin and Mikasa were watching in the background, they were confused. They knew him for a while now and never saw him really hug a friend that way, he hugged them of course but he hugged you like you were going to move out of Shiganshina and never visit or write to them ever again. It was odd and they desperately needed to find out what it is that's wrong with you.

He suddenly realized what he did and backed off, he wasn’t nineteen anymore. He was ten again and he needed to start from the ground up. Nobody knew what he did in the future or what happened to everyone; however, this may be his second chance. He may not be able to prevent some of the terrible things from happening. Your death.

“Ummm… wow I don’t know what to say Eren.” You laughed nervously, having never received such a close hug from somebody. But there’s a first time for everything, you would think to yourself.

“Don’t say anything.” Eren said while he stared right into your eyes. He felt so embarrassed it almost – no it did piss him off, how could he just show so much vulnerability in public like that, the future is already in terrible hands. Once again.

“Are you sick Eren you’re acting really strange today.” Mikasa said while she was beginning to press her hand on his forehead.

He swats her hand away, “I’m fine, you guys keep asking me and I’m fine! You know what, I’m going home!” He stomped in the opposite direction to you guys.

Mikasa sighs and follows, “Wait up Eren.”

You and Armin wave goodbyes and go the separate ways as well.

“Mikasa, Eren! Wait!” You caught up to them, “I know you don’t wanna hear this Eren but please see if your dad can figure out what’s going on with you, you’re worrying us.”

That made his heart skip beats, that made his heart flutter, for a moment he thought it stopped completely and he was going to die again.

Not only were you alive but you cared about his well being, he never saw the little things you did or said until it was too late but he saw it now. The way your eyes light up at the sight of your friends, the way you hugged him even though his hug was out of the ordinary, and the way you were still worried about his well being even though he’s acting like a brat right now. He will cherish you so much more than he did before, he was given a second chance for a reason, he’s gonna do this the right way.

He’s gonna protect you no matter what, nothing will stop him. He promises you that, with once again not telling you. It’s his little secret.

He hears Mikasa sigh, “(Y/N)’s right… we really should tell your dad. You could have a fever and it's getting to you, you’ve been acting really strange today. That only happens when you’re sick.”

“I’m fine.” He grumbled, he was fine. It’s not like he didn’t die an hour ago but he’s fine. It’s not like he didn’t lose the love of his life last month and was away from them before that, it’s not like he has heavier burdens in this life due to his knowledge of the future. But he’s fine, he convinces himself.

“You don’t seem fine.”

“Mikasa, can you just drop it.”

“Fine.” She looks down on the ground, making sure she doesn’t trip on anything.

Maybe he should tell his dad but is that even an option? His father can see the future but could he foresee this happening? He didn't even kill the Reiss family yet, he must not know what's going on. He wouldn’t know what to do but Eren wants someone to know, it’s actually a lot more stressful this time around to be so aware of the future than he last remembered. Being in charge of changing your fate is even more stressful for ten year old Eren, he was determined to find a way for your sake.

“I wonder what that dream was about.” Mikasa said as an attempt to kill the silence.

“It was sad that’s all that I remember.” Eren said looking straight ahead, he was actually excited to head home. He hasn’t seen the inside of his own home since… forever! He doesn’t remember much of the inside of his home but he was excited to refresh his fuzzy memories of the cozy place. He wonders what his mom made too.

With enough thinking and nervous thinking about what he was gonna say to his mother or how to prevent a reaction, they made it to his beloved home in no time.

It looked so warm, he thought. He was finally gonna see his mother, he was gonna see the woman he killed to achieve a goal. He was feeling a bunch of emotions, guilt, hurt, grief, and anger were some of the emotions he experienced.

The closer he got to the house the more he got nervous. He was ready, he had to convince himself.

The pair walked into the sight of Grisha packing up for his work trip and Carla preparing tonight's dinner that consisted of potatoes, carrots, and celery.

“Oh hello Eren, hello Mikasa.” Carla smiled.

Eren’s stomach dropped upon seeing her, she had all the characteristics needed to show that she was alive and well. He couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t hold back his tears. He wanted his mama more than anything right now. The future was scary, the life he led is even scarier, right now he needed the warmth of his mother more than anything. He was only ten after all.

Eren collapses on the ground, tears flowing down his face. He couldn’t take it, seeing two– no three dead people in a day shocked him more than anything, his currently fragile heart couldn’t handle it. He believes he can stop your death but his moms? He doesn’t think he’s capable of stopping; the rumbling still needed to happen after all. This fact alone sent him further into tears.

“Eren!?” Carla shouted as she ran towards him, Grisha following her as well.

No one has ever seen him like this, Carla is now worried sick about her sobbing boy’s well being too.

“I’m sorry…” he wailed, “I’m so sorry mom.” Continuing to sob.

When she first died was when he knew little to nothing about the situation he was about to find himself in so he was full of anger and never getting the chance to process it, he was too busy trying to fight for humanity and against it, there was no ounce of sadness in his heart for his mom the first time around. But now knowing she will die in a few days from now was the final thing to break him. He finally had room in his heart to grieve and his body was too small to know what to do with it.

Carla pulled her close to him, causing him to sob even more. He hasn’t been hugged in years by his mother, he practically forgot the feeling. It all felt scarily new to him to feel his mothers warmth once again.

Eren didn’t know how to explain himself so he continued to cry and shake his head ‘no’. Mikasa gathered a dry rag and some water for him to drink. Grisha standing there wondering what to do, no amount of medical school could prepare him for this. For fatherhood. He also knew what his own son was capable of doing, this current outburst took him by such surprise.

“He’s been like this since he woke up from his nap,” Mikasa mentioned, “He almost started crying when he saw (Y/N).” Mikasa knew him like the back of her hand, while you may not have seen the tears and only noticed the silence, she knew it all.

“How about you take another nap, love?” She said as she caressed the back of his head.

“No!!” He shook his head, he didn’t wanna step away from her again, he wanted to spend the last few days of life with her. He didn’t want to see her go, not when he just saw her again after all this time.

“You need to rest Eren, please listen to your mother.” Grisha butts in, “You need rest, you’re overwhelmed.”

“No no no!” He cried out again, he needs to stay here with her. He needs to be there for her remaining days.

He began to cling onto Carla even more, his tiny arms around her neck and his overheating face buried into her shoulder.

“Eren!” Carla shouted, there wasn’t anger in her voice however; she simply needed to get his attention somehow.

He stopped screaming and crying to hear what she has to say, he may not have listened in his past life but he will now. This one time.

“Eren… you need to rest, I will stay with you for a little bit but then I’d have to go because I have to make dinner. Would you like to have Mikasa stay with you afterwards?” She caressed the back of his head, as an attempt to remind her son he wasn’t in any danger, that he was safe and sound.

“Okay.” He pouted, slightly embarrassed that he had an outburst like this. This was never like him but he couldn’t help himself. The grief was too much on his ten year old heart.

“Perfect, Grisha my dear, do you think you could give Eren a quick check up to make sure he’s alright?”

Grisha hummed and nodded his head, taking his equipment and heading to Erens room.

“C’mon, let's get you checked out,” Carla pinched his cheeks and flashed him a smile, he wanted to cry again, he felt so whole and full of love, he wishes he could stay this way forever. Maybe Heaven was this, maybe Heaven was being a little boy again and seeing your friends and your precious mama. No titans, no war, this was true peace.

“Okay…” He said as he let go of Carla, getting ready to follow her to his room.

“And when I’m done, Mikasa and I can spend some time together while we prepare dinner!” She cheered.

“Alright!” Mikasa smiled, she enjoyed spending time with Carla. After the loss of her parents, Carla and Grisha were the closest thing she had to parental figures.

They finally made it to his room and he walked over to his bed with Carla following him and tucking him in, Grisha began to check his temperature.

“Well… he’s not warm.” He stated, in other words: he’s perfectly fine and didn’t need medical attention.

“Better safe than sorry.” Carla said, kissing Eren on the forehead just to provide extra comfort and care.

“Well I have to start heading out now so–” Eren cut him off.

“Dad, I need to talk to you.” He said.

Eren finally deciding to tell his father half of the truth.

“Oh?” Grisha turned around.

Carla took that as her cue to leave, whatever it may be must be strictly between men she thought to herself.

He waited until Carla closed the door shut so he can surely speak with no listening ears or prying eyes around.

“Well, she’s not here. What was it you wanted to talk about?” Grisha said, he chuckled to himself thinking about what it could be. Many possibilities were there, girls, Mikasa, you. Maybe he had a crush on one of you.

Eren took a breath in for courage, he was already preparing himself to be told he was crazy. He was surely crazy but he was right. He knows what he saw and did.

“Can you see the future?” He asked.

╚══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ══╝

#attack on titan #eren x reader #eren yeager #yandere #yandere eren x reader #tw yandere

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brokenpieces-72 · 5 months ago

Text

Clean Slate

Inspired by @emmster 's destiny x cod comic and art. The story includes my cod OC Paloma Vascoe, you can read more about her in Navigation. I have plans for a continuation so I hope y'all enjoy.

"HOLY SHIT!!"

Johnny hasn't been in the vanguard for more than a few minutes when he hears a shout and has armoured arms wrapped around him.

"STEAMIN JESUS!" He yells. Before he can ask his ghost what the hell is happening, he's turned around by his attacker hugger, and sees a shorter guardian, with their hood still up, wide-eyed and smiling.

"You're here! They woke you up!" The female guardian says excitedly. Johnny smiles.

"Yeah, they did." He says matching her excitement, before dropping it quickly. "...who the 'ell are you?"

The guardian gets a look of realization on her face, slight disappointment mixed in. "Oh... right. Forgot about that."

"Care to explain instead of leavin mae in the dark?" Johnny asks. The female guardian's ghost comes up next to her, looking different than his own. Johnny's own ghost speaks up.

"Some guardians we've learned have been finding memories of their past on their person, like photos and journals. I believe Marco may know you from the past." The ghost explains.

"Spot on actually. She was looking at a photo of you before running up." The other ghost confirms.

"So ya know my real name?" Johnny asks crossing his arms. Why couldn't his past self have a journal or some photos? The guardian, he guessed was Marco, nods. Odd name for a girl, but hey who could he judge.

"Johnny "Soap" MacTavish I believe. I only have a photo with some names and a half filled journal. Still, just finding a small piece is amazing." Marco says, excitement still in her eyes. Man how old was she? Then again, he had only been revived recently so age was probably irrelevant. He wouldn't read too much into that.

"The ell kind of name is Soap?" His ghost asks. Rude.

"Just fer dat, I'm callin ya Soap now." Johnny says. Marco snickers.

"I'll let you head inside the tower, I need to return to my fire team. Oh! When you're done, come find us. They'll want to see you." With a final quick hug, the guardian runs off again excitedly, doing a couple of hops and skips along the way. She was... a character.

Johnny heads into the vanguard tower.

.................

Johnny leaves his small room, stretching and yawning. He needed a nap after the crazy first day. Man was this what it was like to be born? Waking up with no knowledge, and then being thrown into a whole world you're unfamiliar with. Yep, that sounds about right. Not sure if a gunfight, a small companion and fighting some weird aliens was something babies did though. That and having weird magic abilities.

Before he found a room, he ran into Marco again, who understood his desire for rest. Again she insisted on him meeting with her and her fire team afterwards. Johnny asked Soap if there was a way to find Marco, and thankfully he did. The last thing Johnny wanted was to wander around with only his ghost to guide him. Human interaction was a strong desire, well, humanoid. Turns out Marco had left Soap a checkpoint to meet at.

Johnny glances at the other guardians, civilians, and droids roaming around the city. This was all very strange. Something in the back of his mind told him everything wasn't the way it was, but he couldn't recall what it was supposed to be like. Thankfully he spots Marco looking around for him. When she notices him she waves with a friendly smile. Johnny looks at his ghost who just looks back, with no real expectation of a response. He comes over.

Marco smiles and gives him a pat on his back as she leads him through the streets. "How was your nap?"

"Fine. Bloody starvin'." Johnny says.

"My team is getting food right now, so its on us. Hope you like asada."

"Hope so too." Johnny comments. She chuckles, taking him to a small restaurant where there are plenty of guardians sitting at tables and the bar. Johnny felt a little more comfortable, finding the location familiar in a way.

"Come on." Marco says, nudging him forward to follow her. She led him to the bar where he spots two male guardians, with one giving a large grin while the other guardian seemed to be lecturing him.

“Guess who found something rarer than any engram!” Marco says excitedly sitting down with the two guys. They both look at her then over her shoulder to see Johnny. The Titan stands and smiles wide at Johnny.

“Soap? No puedo creerlo. Good to see you.” He says, clasping Johnny on the shoulder. “Alejandro Vargas. This is my second in command Rudolfo Parra.”

The warlock raises a hand in a wave. The two seemed more seasoned than him and Marco.

“Call me Johnny.” Johnny says trying to be friendly.

“Sit, sit.” Alejandro offers. Thank god he was starving. Food was served and they all get to talking. As Johnny starts to finally get his head wrapped around everything, its like a messy ball of yarn. The three guardians talk to him like an old friend, asking him questions about what's been happening so far. Not much to say since he's only been awake for a few days. Still, they listen and give him a chance to explain everything. Any questions he has, Marco pulls out a journal and pen, directing him through creatures, hierarchies, and planets. Johnny finds himself adding to it, as he mentions what he's found in the last few days. Alejandro and Rudolfo provide any corrections. Johnny also gets some food and drink. The colour of his drink makes him uneasy, but Marco offers to try it herself. They end up doing the link arm thing as they sip. Not sure what's in it, but it puts out the heat of the spicy food they get. Johnny has to admit, he feels more comfortable asking these questions with Marco and her team than he thought. He'd never admit it but Ikora was kind of intimidating. Reminded him of someone but couldn't recall.

"So what bout this photo?" He finally asks, after learning about the Iron Age, which was when Alejandro and Rudy were revived. Apparently, Marco woke up much later and found Alejandro and Rudolfo some time after being awake. Details she would tell him more about later.

Marco takes out another journal, this one much older, with aged and cracked leather bindings, and yellowed pages. She flips through until she finds the photo, and takes it out to show him. The two lean in and Johnny finds a photo of himself, Alejandro, Rudolfo, Marco, a man in a skull mask, a guy with darker skin and a cap, and a bearded man with a boonie hat. The photo tells him his story or at least the tip of it. He was alive a very very long time ago. He was a bit more clean-shaven. And he was in the military, seeing military vests and weapons on him. Rudolfo and Alejandro looked younger as did Marco but not by much. Johnny turns the photo over and sees names scribbled on the back, matching up to the people in the photo. There he sees the name Marco gave him. Holding the photo and reading the names it's like recalling characters of a game he's only heard about. Who was he? What did he do? How did he die? Did he die because he was in the military? Did he hurt people? Were the other men revived?

A hand is on his shoulder and another is on the photo. Johnny hadn't noticed his breathing going unsteady, his leg bouncing or his heart racing until Marco settled it.

"Guardian? You okay?" Soap asks. Johnny just nods. Marco carefully tugs the photo out from under Johnny's hand. A glass of water is set down in front of him by a robotic bartender. Johnny waves, gesturing appreciation. Marco keeps her hand on his back making small circles to comfort him. The photo could be overwhelming. It had been for Alejandro and Rudolfo. After a few sips Johnny settles, taking the photo slowly.

"...Yer name is Marco?" He asks, looking at Marco. Not the first question she expected. Marco nods though, a little confused.

"The photo says you have a different name." He points out.

"Aquí vamos." Rudolfo says, taking a long sip of his drink. Alejandro pats Rudy on the shoulder, smiling.

"Shut up." Marco says with a smile before turning back to Johnny. "I think my name is Marco. And there's a few theories I have."

Alejandro and Rudolfo order more food, and chime in as Marco explains her theories about her past life. The first one isn't farfetched. Marco explains she still had dog tags when she was revived, holding them out where the name Marco is engraved. In the photo her name is listed as Paloma "Sunny" Vascoe. The last names are the same so she thinks maybe she was trans or identified as a boy but never had her dog tags changed or the wrong name was written on the photo but not on her tags. Right now though she goes by she/her.

"Could see it." Johnny says considering the idea. Alejandro thinks it's untrue, but isn't about to get into a long discussion about gender and whether it would transfer to reincarnation or revival.

"The second theory is loco." Rudy comments.

"Whats the second?" Johnny asks.

"I have a twin." Marco says.

"It's never twins!" Rudolfo argues. "If you were a twin, then there should be another one of the you walking around by now."

"You don't know that!" Marco retorts.

"So you think you have a twin?" Johnny asks, his tone very clearly siding with Rudolfo. "How would that work if you're female, the photo shows you as a female, and the name you're wearing is masculine?"

Marco gives him a look, trying to think of a counter argument. All she comes up with is, "things happen on the battle field, maybe we switched dog tags for luck."

"Nice try Mija." Alejnadro says patting her on the shoulder.

"So more than likely your real name, is the one on the photo?" Johnny asks.

"I'm just used to Marco now, it's what I was calling myself when I woke up, it's what I've been going by for a while. Sunny says the same, that my real name is likely Paloma." Marco/Paloma admits, gesturing to her Ghost.

"Johnny...sounds weird calling you that." Alejandro says.

"Maybe we just call you Soap instead." Marco comments.

"You need help around, just come find us. We'll be around and will help you with raids and missions if we can." Alejandro offers. Johnny was glad to hear it.

"Help mae with another drink?" Johnny asks.

The rest of the night and into the morning a little the four stay up talking and drinking. There was so much yet to come for them, more than any of them were going to be prepared for.

.......................

Johnny with his ghost Soap and Paloma with her ghost Sunny hide away, taking shelter. They were separated, sore, and weak. Their Ghosts are barely able to stay floating, unable to revive them, and the traveller's light cut off... they both think about that night when they all met and many others. All they can do is hope and pray. Hope and pray their friends were still alive. Hope and pray they haven't lost their light.

Taglist: @yourlovely-moon @kaoyamamegami @h0n3y-l3m0n05 @sans-chara @1mommyrose4ever29 @smitten-haematite-quartz @talia-the-gemini @yuki2129 @whitetiger846 @graystorm444 @chibiduck @reaperxxxxzz @danielle143 @sobbingnshtting @cringeycookies @cryingpages @dcnocap207 @reaper-chan666

#destiny #destiny 2 #cod au #destiny x cod #destiny ghost #alejandro vargas #rudolfo parra #paloma sunny vascoe #cod oc #destiny au #fanfic #eyes up guardian #angsty open ending #yes this is real #call of duty modern warfare #john soap mactavish

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pshiftcultureis · 27 days ago

Note

i feel like a lot of shifters need to talk to other shifters about how they found out about their species because sometimes "i shifted and i was just this," doesn't always help and not all shifters can shift/have the right environment to.

it's difficult because a lot of shifters rely on their dreams and visions, and consistently don't know what or who they are because all of our history has gone kaput - and so have our ways to connect with ourselves.

-🔮☀️

Yesss exactlyyyy!!

We will be honest with you we have a few tips we actually want to give because we hate to see this info degrade away. So, this is the rare occasion we will respond with information rather than just tags ♡♡

First of all what you are as a species shifting-wise is usually not discovered through shifting into said animal. We have never shifted into our animal as of now and there was a few ways we found what we were. A lot of shifters we know followed a similar path.

One tip we saw floating around was your species could be based on *where you live*. So, if you live in the americas theres a chance you could be anything native to america.

Another is choosing an animal that gives you the "this feels right / this feels like me" vibes and allowing yourself to experience that animal fully as if you are that animal (since you are questioning theres no way to know, you know?) So you research it, mental shift with it, feel phantoms, meditate with it, connect with it... etc. Pay attention as to how YOU feel being this animal. And we dont even mean like "oh this is a trial run this may not be for me"... just allow yourself to confirm it and explore it for awhile. If its not right, move on!

Keep allowing yourself to sniff around and settle, chase feelings and be okay with confusion for awhile, because honestly you may be pulled a bunch of directions regarding this. Just remember, its finding that other part of YOURSELF, not what others want you to be or what you think would be cool.

(I didnt want to be the feline i am now in the past! I wanted wings, i wanted to have a pack, i wanted to be cool, ill be honest lol.)

With mental shifting, you can do this with any animal or creature. Meditation-wise, you just close your eyes and vividly imagine yourself in first pov as the creature you chose and explore the world the creature lives in. Assign sounds, tastes, feelings, basically be fully immersed. If you want to take a more traditional route its always helpful to do this a handful of times and record how it felt, how you felt, what it did for you, afterwards the general vibe, etc.

A lot of older guides say you have to do this a lot and "fully mental shift" -- we personally believe that this process is a form of solidifying the other half of yourself into a consciously recognised part of you, as we all tend to hide anything that isnt human.

There is a huge culture back then of immersing yourself into the possibility of you being an animal -- basically degrading the older beliefs that "you are only human" and "shifting is impossible" fed to us by society. Which was like little things, such as changing your room to be more of your habitat, researching, writing affirmations (ex: "i am a wolf"), keeping a log of your shifts, and analysing your doubts to later take them apart.

Regarding what you have said that shifters only experience their forms through dreams or visions, this isnt true either for a lot of shifters. Usually shifters have dreams and visions.... after... theyve discovered their forms, although its not impossible to have visions or dreams.

Overall, we would recommend researching and following what feels right to you, even if you have no shifts or a faint clue of what you could possibly be. We didnt have any at all actually, we had deeply repressed our feline self to the point where it never happened.

We have also seen people telling newbies to look back at their past or their ancestry to figure it out, but we find this to be very shaky and apply to anything. Rarely does someone have access to family history, including regarding the supernatural, and what you do in the past is too hard to pinpoint to a root cause until many years after you are no longer in the discovery phase.

We hope that this was helpful to any in the discovery phase of their journey! Its actually pretty similar to the therian community, albeit a more rudimentary way of doing it.

And please document your journey, its super easy to forget those first few months / years of this path, and it can be very helpful to have a record as such.

Take care ♡

#physical shifter #p shifting #physical nonhumanity #physical shifting #physical shifting community #p shift #physical shifters #p shifter #p shifters #nonhuman #real werewolves #real mythicals #physical shapeshifters #shapeshifters #p shifting culture is #🔮☀️

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ernestelm · 6 months ago

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Tuggoffelees Headcanons

Sometimes with different interpretations bc Im actually a cat, a dog and a weasel parading as a human, you would probably see me slowly navigate it out bc I alrdy have several clear stories in my brain. Also I do Quaxo is Misto stuff but I still call him Misto usually, I don't like writing the letter Q.

Misto fell first but Tugger fell harder

Childhood friends Misto thought they were alrdy married, he's a "its you, its always going to be you" because we love our horribly platonic girlies (me, I am girlie😔)

Tugger absolutely just went "wait he's so cool, what the hell" when Misto started his Mr Mistoffelees act. Like he was like already slightly in love but suddenly it overflowed and now he doesn't know what to do

He doesn't even know if what Misto does to him is just banter or flirting (Misto's version flirting are basically trust games where he confirms Tugger does in fact, trust him)

Tugger has zero idea how magic works but is a supportive bf

When Misto researches a new trick and needs someone to show it to or help he finds Tugger first

This has been happening since they were young

Tugger has zero idea what is happening but is always hyping Misto up even when he fails

Misto has slight stage fright so when he's performing, he mostly focuses on Tugger because he knows no matter what Tugger will never be disappointed in him

Tugger doesn't realizes this bc he always sits near Old Deut and thinks Misto is just looking at him

Tugger is absolutely terrified of lice since childhood

So do the other maine coons but Tugger is suuuper dramatic about it

He always runs to Misto all distressed and whines to him and asks him to zap them out

But Tugger is also kind of scared of electric so Misto has to slowly calm him down and hold his hand before doing the lightest shock that is required to kill it

and afterwards he has to console him and helps him clean it out

Tugger's owners are still confused as to why he always runs out after getting lice and always comes back all clean with the happiest trot

Misto is super secure about the relationship

Which is why Tugger is still confused if they are in a relationship or not

he is still waiting for Misto to confirm it ;>

Misto doesn't get it and thinks that Tugger is just shy or smth and thinks that its kinda cute

Misto goes non-verbal during performances

I know I broke this one, but I will try and do better and learn some more hand gestures (and hand signs for Victoria, my version is not deaf just selectively mute, Jemima does her talking(she's super fluent!) they'll probably be doing BSL tho bc London)

He requires more focus, esp in his performance form (with the half moon face! bc I realized I couldn't live without it)

Tugger is usually his assistant and helps him with talking when needed

It adds to the mystery part of the Mr Mistoffelees act ( I want to hopefully show how like how terrifying but alluring he is, he's like an elegant Macavity in my eyes )

Misto is actually super direct

Dude is not vague, the dude knows what he wants

He only "insults" Tugger with facts

He does show affection through words but Tugger always goes (in his head) "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN"

His man is dumb, let him be dumb

#I might do more later or just show it in my little short scribbles later down the line #Im not really drawing today bc what I drew is... less than appetizing rn #not in the zone and probably not getting there so Im doing traditional sketches to maybe fuel up some love for art idk #cats the musical #cats musical #rum tum tugger #mr mistoffelees #tuggoffelees

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welp-back-on-my-bs · 7 months ago

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How demon bros react to acespec MC

Lucifer:

So, with this man, he either pulls all the bitches, or dosent because angel, then Diavolo, then work forever- so that may depend on his reaction if his partner were to tell him if they are aspec. But I think, this man takes pride in the fact that a) he is a very rizzler manz and b) he takes pride in consensual sex, if there is none, it's shameful and horrid, he isn't a lust demon after all. While in the ladder story, he is ok with haveing to wait longer/not haveing it yet because its just another thing to him that could happen.

Mammon:

Honestly, I think he would be a little sulky and worried that you had a horrible first time or something of the sort. He wants to experience EVERYTHING with you by his side. You're his partner afterall. But, he would obviously accept you and see what your boundaries are around that sort of thing. He will probably be more protective afterwards BTW, because he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable if anyone tries to do anything

Levi:

Like Mammon, a little sulky, and potentially jealious if you had another before him, or even pissed in some cases. But he understands and will see your boundaries, he also will vet some anime and games if needed so that you feel comfortable watching/playing it with him. He'll also download some mods to help with your gaming experience :>. But if it'd the question of waiting, he is ok with it, he has other ways to pleasure himself in the meantime.

Satan:

He is very calm and accepting of it, he asks about some things he would like to know and your boundaries. He probably is the kind of person who wouldn't want to have sex if the other person isn't into it too. Like Levi, he'll read trough books in case he should feel the need to vet them out for some steamy things that you may not want to read, but if you say you're fine with it he won't. He wants you to be happy

Asmo:

This demon- he- would be so lost. How could you not adore him in the only way a partner should. It's gonna take a bit for it to really sink in for him. He may try to initiate wither it be too early or when you don't want it at all. It's going to be very hard to do this with asmo, so instead, if you're comfortable, bring up a naked bath, or to massage him or something of the sort.

Beel:

I can see beel himself being Demisexual, so he would be really understanding and sweet when it comes to that sort of thing. He'll keep doing as he does, but also trues to make sure none makes you feel uncomfortable aswell. Good boyfriend

Belphie:

I think Belphie is graysexual, but would do it if his partner felt like it. He is a little relived that you don't just want to use him for his physical self. He is still worried after ch. 16 that you don't actually love him the way he loves you. This just confirms that, you do love him too. He relaxes to sleep with you in his arms

#obey me #obey me headcanons

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karizard-ao3 · 7 months ago

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My reactions to the End of Evangelion

First, I know I have some asks about romcom Shinji waiting for me, but I felt I must watch this first because I am a little bit freaked out about what's going to happen and I need to just face it and get it out of the way. Also, I have a feeling I'm going to want to think about cute romcom Shinji afterward to aid my recovery. I have been led to believe it's pretty intense.

I am literally sitting here with the remote, avoiding pressing play.

Okay. I did it. It's starting.

I wonder if this is with the new VAs. Did they redub this as well? I'll find out soon.

The world is flooded, it looks like.

Shinji visiting Asuka and asking for help.

This is the new dub.

Ope, he accidentally made her naked.

Jesus Christ, Shinji.

Confirmed that their intent is to force humanity to evolve. They wanted to use Lilith but instead will have to use Unit 1, its only offspring, since the Spear of Longinus is lost.

Yui chose to stay in the Eva. "The human condition lies in how it struggles for survival".

There's Rei.

She finally broke the glasses.

Shinji's music player ran out of battery. He's just been laying there thinking about what a creep he is.

Misato found the real truth behind the second impact. Should I go back and pause to read the page?

Seele's trying to hack NERV HQ.

So was Unit 0 made from Adam, then?

Wait. So, Seele wants to do the forced evolution, yes? What is Gendo's motive in all this?

They're hiding the kids in their Evas. Rei is missing.

Shinji is hiding. Is he jerking off again?

These guys are going through and very efficiently killing everyone in NERV.

No, Shinji is just feeling depressed and hopeless and probably hating himself.

How does Rei feel about all her destroyed bodies?

They were about to kill Shinji and he was going to let them, but here comes Misato to save the day!

"Help, Asuka. Help me." Suicidal Shinji.

Humanity caused the second impact by trying to revert Adam to an egg state before he could awaken any more angels. Humanity came from Lilith and is the 18th Angel. I was not expecting that.

The other Angels were humanity how it could have been.

Shinji needs to destroy the Evas to prevent the third impact and save mankind.

Okay, so the human instrjmentality project is Gendo ans that's the forced evolution. Third impact is Seele's goal. I think.

Asuka has woken up.

They're bombing outside her capsule.

Does that let her sync?

Did she see her mom because she died? Oh no.

Oh, wait, it was the first thing.

The AT field was her mother protecting her? Is her mom also in the Eva? Are they really just farming people's mothers to make Evas?

Go, girl! Kick ass, Asuka.

She's so happy to realize her mother loves her.

There's the other Evas. Are they also crafted from mothers?

It's nice to see Asuka with her confidence back.

Which one got shot?

Misato.

I thought probably given ep. 25 (was it?)

Shinji does bad things to other people to hurt himself.

That's a good message from Misato.

And then she went and did that. Ugh. Misato, I knew you were going to do some shit like this. And promising him the rest when he gets back. What a weirdo. But I guess she's dead now? That's too bad.

Ritsuko is sabotaging Gendo.

But she failed.

The spear of longinus is back and it got her!

I was wondering if they would stay down. She probably has to destroy the S2 drive.

Do these ones have pilots?

Oh, they're eating her. And she is connected by nerve link.

Ohhhhhh no. Asuka...

He couldn't go to the Eva so the Eva is coming to him.

He saw what happened to Asuka and absolutely lost his shit.

Should I take a break to discuss this half of the movie since it's split into episodes, or should I wait? Umm.... I have until the end of this song to decide, I think. Uh... I think I'll just wait until the very end.

Rei's arm fell off.

Gendo wants to reunite with Yui, which is something I had kind of toyed with as an idea because he talks about her a lot and is very partial to everything that relates to Yui except for Shinji (maybe sees too much of himself in the boy), but I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about it because I hate Gendo and he keeps hooking up with other scientists.

He has become one with Adam somehow. He needs to unite Adam and Lilith to commence the human instrumentality project and then go to where Yui is (the quantum plane, perhaps?)

Quite honestly, I'm still not completely clear on what Seele wants versus what Gendo wants.

He stuck his whole hand inside her.

Rei senses Shinji screaming.

Were there two spears of Longinus?

Oh, they made a replica.

They are rerutning man and Evas to their true forms.

Several replicas.

They're going to use Unit 1 and therefore Shinji as a sacrifice.

This is the lead up to the third impact.

There is a huge explosion.

Looks like an eye.

They're returning earth to its true form?

Rei decides not to help Gendo. And she regrew her hands. She's going up to help Shinji by going in Lilith.

And with that, Lilith is fixed, with her legs not weird anymore.

That is Lilith, right? That's what Kaworu said?

A giant incorporeal Rei to the rescue!

Shinji screaming at the sight of Rei.

They're syncing with Rei. Once again, that's a lot of fucking Reis.

Shinji is losing his mind.

kaworu appears, coming out of Rei's body. But there's the spear. It's absorbed the spear. Now he's in the tree of life.

"Rei is in your heart. A perfect reflection of your wishes."

"What do you wish for?"

He's alone at the playground because the other kids went home with their mom and he doesn't have one.

His little Mary Janes.

Built the sand castle, knocked it down in a fit of rage, then started trying to put it back together and crying.

Did this stuff Shinji is seeing actually happen or is it happening in his head as part of human instrumentality?

Now he's choking her.

Seeing all the worst of humanity.

Shinji bouncing back and forth between everyone should die because they don't love me, and I should die because I don't matter to anyone.

Rei just sprouted from the atmosphere.

Everyone is truning to jelly. Primordial soup.

"I'd only hurt Shinji. That's why I left him alone." He's just like Shinji fr.

The Eva series are shoving the spears further in.

Rei is vacuuming something into her palms, it looks like. Is that souls?

The tree of life thing just went into the eye hole/ keyhole/ vag in her head.

Now we've got some actual footage from the real world.

"You made a convenient fantasy to get revenge on reality."

Rei and Shinji are kind of fused together. Everyone is merged into one, which is what Rei said Shinji wished for. But he realizes that's not really what he wanted.

AT fields are what keep us separate and cause our pain, but Shinji realizes that he wants to be with others again more than he wants to run away from the pain.

So now Rei is bringing everyone back, I think?

Yui wanted to make the Eva to be a testament that humanity existed even after the universe dies.

Shinji wakes up next to a red sea abd Asuka. Shinji sees Rei for just a moment, and then she'd gone. There is a red ring around the earth. He's trying to choke her and crying, then she touches his face softly and he stops. He cries. She calls him disgusting and the movie ends.

In Conclusion

Well.

Well, well, well.

First off: I am still confused because it seems like Seele and Gendo were trying for the same thing and I am really not sure of the difference. Maybe it was just a matter of how they wanted to carry it out. I feel like I must be dumb as a rock for not getting it, but also maybe it's just mental priorities. I spent more mental energy trying to figure out other stuff.

This movie leaves me with a lot to think about. I'm already googling things about it, but I'm going to stop for now. I want to let it percolate a bit more, I think. Also, I should watch my DVD extras! Probably not today, though. I need to spend some time with my kid.

It seems that the third impact still affected the planet, but Shinji elected to have everyone be individuals so it was an apocalypse but not one that turned everyone into a single, liquid consiousness.

I don't really think everyone's Eva is infused with their mother, but I'm a little perplexed by Asuka saying her mother is why she has an AT field. Maybe she just meant because of how her mother shaped her identity. Not really sure. I mean, I would understand if Shinji had that revelation but not sure on Asuka.

Yeah, this is another one that's going to have to sit for a while in my head, I think. There's a lot to sort through.

I do love that the connection between mother and child seems to be so important in this series. It's kind of sad because Shinji feels so alone and uncared for, but we can see that his mother is always watching him and protecting him, whether it's as Rei or as Unit 1 or as a metaphysical version of herself. But we also see Asuka dealing with a lack of love from her mother. That poor girl.

Also, can we really love anyone when they are mixed together in a soup with us? Shinji could be merged with everyone in the LCL sea but they were no longer separate people, so he still couldn't really be with them, because there was no longer a them to be with.

I do slightly wish the objectives between Seele and Gendo had been slightly clearer. I get that it's all secondary to the real message but I get hung up on this kind of stuff when it's not clicking.

Yeah, I don't think I've got anything really definitive to say right now. This is definitely another thinker and I need time to let my thoughts form.

I am left wanting more. Not of the story, but just of seeing the characters together. I wish we could get an Evangelion slice of life series and just see their day to day lives as Eva pilots with only a very loose plot to tie the series together. I want to see them all existing and coexisting and I think I could happily watch several seasons of that.

Okay, well, I have a couple people to text now that I've finished the movie and I need to sit and think some more. I want to look up more stuff but I feel like maybe I should wrap up this watching experience with a better conclusion post. I think I will try (only try, no promises-I've got a head full of questions) to hold off on looking anything up while I sort through things and maybe look at my notes and then attempt to gather together my thoughts and post them.

I will also think about those Shinji romcom asks.

This was a very good show. I will definitely be watching again, and quite possibly very soon. I confess that I put in a bid for a boxed set of the Perfect collection, which should have the original dub, so if I win it I'm going to buy it and then watch it with the original dub because I'm curious to see the difference.

#ask me things #my asks #answered asks #neon genesis evangelion #evangelion #first watch #concluded #I finished the series!#shinji ikari #rei ayanami #asuka langley soryu #misato katsuragi #ritsuko akagi #gendo ikari #yui ikari

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charismaofobedience · 10 months ago

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Ok hi yeah time for messy scrambled thoughts on deep cover and its mv.

Again as people pointed out, it starts right after harrow with her saving the girl. For this we know she has killed the abuser/whoever that other person was after her pin board investigation on the crime, but it's important to note that on the phone article she's reading afterwards it's stated that even if it was said the killer (kotoko) acted on self defense by the girl herself, it was dismissed and also noted how the body had more bruises than necessary, indicating kotoko likely had gone way too far in her assault against the person before saving the girl.

After that, we see the girl slowly taking in more and more behavior from kotoko, from the way she gets a black cap that matches hers to when she's standing in front of the store *just* like kotoko did in harrow. Due to being saved, the girl likely started to idolize kotoko and admire her for what she did, wanting to mirror that behavior herself and starting on it.

I think it's also nice to remember now how previously in milgram kotoko has indeed stated that she's always been this way since she was a child. We didn't get any clear clarifications about what she meant with that, however, we can easily assume she's talking about her morals and views in things. Due to this we can theorize we may have a potential cycle going on here, with a child kotoko maybe being saved by someone and then mirroring that behavior, and now this happening to her itself. It isn't a confirmed thing and doesn't quite have any basis as kotoko is one of the most "mysterious" characters about her past, but I felt the need to already bring the ideas of perpetuated cycles here.

We eventually see all her research from undercover basically scribbled over. While yes, Kotoko did save the kid and kill whoever did that, Kotoko is now purposeless. After killing them, she has officially achieved her goal and, thanks to that, has nothing else to do anymore. This lack of purpose is further enforced by the news article mentioned above, which states Kotoko going too far in "self defense" and, in her eyes, going against her. The lyrics further enforce Kotokos need for affirmation from others, asking for reliance on her or for others (and I theorize more specially that girl) to tell her when to stop or what to do. Kotokos ideals aren't enforced just by herself as we see in milgram itself, but also by others, with how she waited for Es' judgement before acting out against anyone they, the "society", judged unworthy. Having those news articles now leaving her behind as someone who acted out too much can easily be interpreted as a betrayal on her, on them now saying Kotokos justice failed.

And, possibly as a mix of all this, Kotokos ideals overcame and became stronger than her. With her sense of justice twisted now for a thirst for violence, we can see the moon progression on the mv as this mentality of her twisting more and more, from Kotokos original ideas of "I need to protect the weak" to "I need to punish those society deems unfit", in a way. We know the first moon phase changed after the assault on the criminal she was researching and, as the news stated, she went too hard on them, so we can conclude that this initial twist of her morals happened right after her "punishment" against them.

What happens this way, however, is that Kotoko has now begun yet another vicious cycle of violence. Due to her lashing out and actively hurting the criminal while getting the kid to admire her, it's easy to make an assumption that this cycle might have been repeating again, from a tiny Kotoko to now this kid. If the wolves in harrow represented the ones Kotoko wanted to protect, this werewolf represents Kotokos morals and justice themselves, and it's easy to see that they surpassed her, became stronger than what she can control. With them overcoming Kotoko, she lost sight of her original views on things and has simply decided that this twisted view of hers should be pursued, because after having everyone (the news article and eventually the girl telling her to stop if we can trust the lyrics) turning back on her, she's the only one she can rely on.

While I'm here, can I mention how I am quite sure Kotoko's lines might also be able to refer to herself? Yes, they're references to the other prisoners, but we have to remember Kotoko clearly was never the most confident person in the world if we are to read her past timeline stories and, most importantly with deep covers release, how her justice is entirely reliant on others judgement about people, and this is something I see a lot of people misinterpreting about her. These two lines in specific struck me because yes, while they refer to Haruka and Fuuta... I don't think Kotoko would say them just to reference the others, and we should note that by this beginning nowhere were the moon or werewolf to be seen. If we are to believe that her lines also all may trace back to her, the usage of codependency as a term is perfect, because in a way that's exactly what it is. Just as much as Kotoko wanted those weak ones to rely on her... She herself doesn't quite consider her strong, and isn't her reliance on others' judgement by this point to realize her justice quite the codependent action? Fuutas line is more direct, with it potentially (not saying it does) being kotoko talking to herself about how ridiculous it is that she's bringing her vigilante self back to prison.

Anyways, while I will indeed be voting her innocent, I do think guilty is the "best" voting for her right now. She absolutely will take it as us betraying her, don't get me wrong, but I think Kotoko really needs some reminder to try and bring her back together. Just as we are what makes her have a "reason" to live and bring to her a justice, we need to do this right now by voting her guilty so she can try and reflect on herself a bit

#milgram #kotoko yuzuriha #♡𑁬࿔ chii talks

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the-dye-stained-socialite · 6 months ago

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A (not so) brief writeup on the Timeline of Elias and Happles' interactions, and how they came to be entwined (edited from discord messages lol)

under the cut because. uh. longer

In their early Neath days, while elias was still a light fingers player, they recieved a Key-To-Heart dagger from their future spouse Harper, at their first ever Feast of the Rose. while this isn't *directly* related to happles, it would be relevant later

after elias quit light fingers, there would be rumors of someone starting the Marvellous back up, which happles would hear. it didn't find out who it was, but it knew it was somone.

while still gathering players, elias began to work on becoming known to all of london (renown 40/55 grind, plus Paramount Presence), because they need to be known. at first, this simply involved bothering the masters at the carnival. they were fond of the 'friendlier' masters (wines and happles), and would seek them out often. originally, this was to get close to them to get inside knowledge for the revolutionaries.

along the renown quest, elias ended up 'helping' out a few factions in labyrinth of tigers. They ended up aquiring the formula for Empyrean Redolance, as they had shown an interest in chemistry, and Hearts remembered them from the carnival

they would send. over a hundred seals to that bat.

one of these times, they snuck into the barn to figure out what the wings of thunder bat *really* was, and caught enough glimpses to suspect it was happles. the scent gave it away as well. they snuck back in at a later date, bringing more animals with, to confirm their suspicions. they *were* caught, but being persuasive, having animals, and it noticing their dagger, it let them go. as far as it knew, they hadn't seen much, but it would keep an incredibly close eye on them in the future. phantom of the opera moment (except they were very aroused in addidtion to scared)

afterwards, elias, as practice for the Marvellous, would go to win its yacht off of it. happles was very intruiged by this point, and may have turned to light stalking.

additionally, it was very fascinated by their growth it had witnessed the past year, as well as how they handled themself and their disability. most importantly though, elias was very in love with life. i have a life and death themeing going on with these two, and elias represents death and the struggle for life, and well. happles is life. they're fascinated by it as the purveyor of immortality, the source of fresh food, and life sustaining things. elias hadn't experienced much of life on the surface, but now that they have a chance in the neath, they're taking it. this is also why they're a moth, as moths represent the soul and death in many cultures!!!

after winning its yacht, elias was finally confident enough to go play the Marvellous. when they won, and asked for Love, happles couldn't (and wouldn't) grant it, but found they may have a mutual fascination. this was when they really began to get entangled, instead of just many chance meetings. when it flew them up the bazaar spire, elias was determined to worm their way in.

which is not always the best idea with a master :)

post ambition, elias has begun to spiral, and has been much more emotionally vulnerable and manipulated.

when Inheritance happened Happles found it was *very* easy to pull elias' heartstrings and desires, and use them as a tool to get what it wanted. they had been intending to help the couple, but couldn't resist going to Happles to invesitgate. they left its office under its influence, and while they regret what they did... there was still part of them that had wanted to do that. it wasn't fully hearts' fault

after this they would see eachother more and more frequently, and hearts would begin to experiment on them, and they would end up having some v rough but fufilling scenes. hearts is one of the few who is possesive and obsessive enough to satisfy elias' hunger for attention and love. *especially* after it rendered any social situation suspect, with the crown making them adored but not loved, starving them of the ability to feel a connection elsewhere

later that year, elias would harass it with the incarnadine fur robe (it was. very obvious is was them XD)

the hanahaki fic @the-insouciant-scientist wrote for me takes place in here <3

and now they play its game for its praise, synthesize chemical and poisons for it, and get vivisected on the regular, especially now that they have interesting blood stuff going on

#elias leroux #happles #elias and happles #chittering #<- new tag for posts i make #fallen london #fallen london ocs #ask to tag

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all54321 · 1 year ago

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Unwavering Devotion

[AO3]

Summary: Scar has never seen Xelqua’s face, yet still fully devotes himself to the God. Things change when they meet face to face.

Or: 5 times Scar doesn’t question his faceless God, and 1 time they talk face to face.

—————

Scar doesn’t lucid dream, at least not usually, yet here he is, wandering through… well, he can’t describe what he’s walking through, but he does know that this is a dream and he’s fully aware. He stiffens when a voice suddenly echoes around him.

Mortal.

He flinches at the voice and whirls around, but sees nothing, “Who- who’s there?!”

You cannot see me, the voice replies, echoing from every direction. It sounds weak, I need your help.

Scar frowns, continuing to look around, “Help with what?”

I am a God, I need you to pray to me.

He lets out a breath, “I’m not religious, I don’t care for this sort of thing.”

If your pray for me, I’ll reward you.

“Reward?” Scar asks, a deal, huh? He’s always been fond of deals. Of course, making a deal with a God is probably unwise, but he’s got enough experience of turning deals against his favor to his favor, against bad odds at that.

Yes, I’ll reward you with anything you want.

“Anything?” Scar asks for confirmation, it seems a little outrageous.

I’m a god, my powers are numerous, I can grant you anything you desire.

Scar hums, considering that for a moment, “And in return you want me to pray for you? That’s it?”

Not quite, there’s a pause before it continues, there’s more. All I request is you build a shrine in my name and pray to it semi-regularly. I request you worship me, and only me.

He doesn’t reply right away, considering his options. He could say no and nothing would come of this… probably. But its request sounds simple and if it works he can get anything he wants from it. Scar fails to see a negative to this, except… “Why do you need me to pray to you?”

There’s a long pause before it slowly replies, I… need it. I need followers. You’re the only one I can reach.

It sounds honest enough… Scar debates it for a moment more before nodding, “Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll need your name first, though.”

I’m Xelqua.

“Pleasure to make a deal with you, Xelqua,” Scar says with a short bow. And just like that he’s jolting awake in his bed.

Scar wakes up breathing heavily, he throws the covers off of him and hurries to the bathroom. He traces a finger over his now unscarred skin, then to the scars he now has that he didn’t before, and finally to the purple swirls along his upper arms and spreading across his chest.

He drops his head against the mirror before whispering a quiet, “What the fuck.”

On one hand, he wants to dismiss those dreams as dreams, but on the other… would it be so far to say it was a past life? Scar thinks back to the last memory he has of Xelqua, they were saying that it wouldn’t be much longer until they would grant his desires.

Yet he fell too ill too fast afterwards to receive it.

Scar traces a finger over the marks on his chest again, his wish definitely wasn’t reincarnation, but he isn’t exactly complaining about it. His finger stops at the very center, right at the broken rectangle.

Of course his dream could have just used that symbol from his constant thoughts over it, but he never once thought about it being from a god. Scar still wasn’t raised religious, after all.

He steps away from the mirror, Xelqua spoke to him in dreams before, so maybe…

Scar returns to his bed, climbing in and burrowing under the covers, here’s to hoping.

When he wakes up it’s back in the dreamscape, but more similar to the first time than the most recent time. Scar frowns, “Strange.”

You remember.

Scar jolts, whirling around, before remembering that there’s nothing there, “Xelqua…?”

A sound echoes around him, almost like a sigh, I was worried that you weren’t going to remember.

“What- what happened?”

You died, Xelqua replies simply, but continues after a moment, I didn’t have much of my power and you were dying. I am unaware of how mortal bodies work so I didn’t know how to heal you. It pauses for a minute, before letting out another breath, I promised I would grant you whatever you desire, but you were dying and I couldn’t grant that for you if you died.

Scar takes a long moment to process that before replying, “So… you reincarnated me to complete our deal?”

Yes.

He falls into a sitting position, burying his head into his hands, suddenly overwhelmed, “What the hell is going on…?”

I granted you eternal reincarnation, the god replies, not understanding that the question was rhetorical.

Scar snaps his head up, “Wait, eternal!?”

Yes. Those markings on you are a sign that you will be reincarnated into another life upon your death. I… suppose you weren’t aware enough when I granted you them the first time. You will be born with those markings a few decades after you died until the end I deemed.

“Which is…?” Scar prods, glancing around again.

Never, Xelqua’s voice sounds confused, I meant eternal. When I granted you reincarnation I chose no end. You will only not be reincarnated when the world comes to an end and no new lives will be born.

“What the fuck,” Scar mutters again, scrubbing his hands across his face, “this isn’t real.”

I had told you that I would grant any desire of yours, that I was powerful. Is this out of that realm?

“Can I just have a moment of silence?” He asks, voice straining. The god doesn’t respond, leaving Scar to his racing thoughts, which are going too fast to sort out. He takes slow, deep breaths to try to help.

After a few minutes he’s able to parse through his thoughts more clearly. Reincarnation. That’s- that’s a good thing, right? The longer he sits and thinks on it, the more he can see it coming to benefit him. Outside of the never dying completely thing.

Each new life is a clean slate for him to work with, no past debts, no angry customers, nothing. Well, he’d still have to deal with them in life, but he can handle that for a single lifetime since he apparently has infinite of those now.

Scar pulls his head from his hands after another few minutes of thinking on it, “Okay, alright, I’m good now.”

Another sigh, I was worried… I should have asked for your consent first, I apologize.

Scar blinks in surprise, a god apologizing? He never would have thought. “It’s alright, my lord.” He startles as he says the words. He had said similar things in prayers, but that was intentional, this wasn’t.

Before he can dwell on that longer, Xelqua speaks again, I have grown weaker in the decades you were gone. I will not be able to complete my half of the bargain for another few years.

Scar nods, “So I need to build another shrine and continue the prayers?”

If you would like to keep up your end of the deal, yes.

That almost feels like a challenge to Scar, he’s not one to back out of deals, “I’ll do that when I wake up, then.”

Good.

Scar pauses, before murmuring, “I will speak to you soon, my lord.”

He opens his eyes to find himself back in his bedroom. With a sigh he stands up, he has a shrine to build.

Scar lets out a breath, swiping the sweat off of his forehead. He looks upwards, staring up at the face of the statue in front of him. Xelqua never said anything about building him a giant statue, nor the full on temple Scar is standing on the foundation of. Yet it is only fair to repay them.

He never expected to be here, in a third life, building a temple for a god. Scar never expected to find himself being religious at all, yet here he is, fully devote to Xelqua.

He grabs the necklace and lifts it up to his lips, murmuring quietly. Scar’s glad to have managed to track this down again, this and his journal. Although grave robbing from himself was a mess.

“Scar.”

Scar jumps, whirling around on instinct, before recalling that the god is invisible and it’s pointless. He drops the necklace in shock, because right in front of him is a purple haze in humanoid shape. He raises his head up to look at what is probably their face, “Xelqua…?”

Their head inclines, “It is I.” Xelqua walks over to him and circles the statue. While the god dwarfs Scar, the statue dwarfs the god. Well, until the haze that is the god grows in size until Xelqua is at even height with it. “I like the statue.”

“T-Thanks, I worked hard on it.”

“I saw,” they murmur, before shrinking down again as they face Scar. “Is this why you asked for a description?”

He nods, “I wanted to capture your likeness as close as possible, my lord.”

Xelqua hums and walks around the foundation, “This is huge.”

“Well, I wasn’t sure the exact size of the statue, so I prepared a rough floor plan. I need a big enough room for this to look good in, in addition to a few other rooms around.” Scar looks up at the statue and frowns in thought, “I might need to expand it.”

“This is above and beyond dedication.”

Scar turns to find Xelqua standing at the edge of one of the sides, “You deserve my full effort, my lord.”

The god pauses, before closing the distance between them to be in front of Scar again. They reach out to carefully cradle Scar’s face, making him gasp, “I could never ask for a better follower then you.”

“But-“

Xelqua shakes his head, ending Scar’s protest, “Just because people won’t listen to you doesn’t discount everything else you have done for me.”

Scar slowly nods, “Thank you, my lord.” He shudders as he suddenly feels a sparking kind of energy surrounding him, seeping into his flesh, “Xelqua…?

It retracts all at once, “Sorry.”

He shakes his head, “No! I like it!”

The energy slowly returns, “You… like the feeling of my magic?”

“Yes,” Scar murmurs, leaning into Xelqua’s hands.

The energy- the magic gets heavier, fully surrounding and seeping into Scar. He shudders again, closing his eyes to just feel it. Xelqua chuckles quietly, “You’re such a wonder…”

Scar wakes up slowly, wincing at each breath in, he looks around to see the cell he’s trapped in. Right, punished for disobedience. “More like being marked by a God,” he mutters. The illegers seem ready to punish him for any small discretion due to him being a curse to them. Why they hadn’t just kicked him out yet, Scar doesn’t know.

He activates his magic, elongating his nails into claws, and carves Xelqua’s symbol onto the floor. Well, they punished him for belonging to a God, and now that Scar remembers… well, he can finally get his revenge.

Scar places a hand over the symbol, “Xelqua, my lord, lend me your power to get revenge on the ones who hurt me and scorned your name.”

It was quiet for a moment, but then Scar feels every injury starts healing all at once. Every single scrape, bruise, and gash, healed all within a minute. A beat after that he feels immense power surge through him, intensifying his own vex magic.

Scar grins widely, sharp teeth on display, this will be fun.

He falls into a daze after breaking out from his cell, only snapping back into it after staggering away from a blazing mansion soaked in blood. He stares down at his hands, at the blood soaking them. He blinks, and suddenly he’s falling, consciousness fading.

Scar opens his eyes to find himself in the dreamscape, Xelqua standing in front of him. “My lord…?”

“I am sorry that I couldn’t help you,” they murmur, “I am powerless to do anything to help you until you remember and call my name.”

Scar gives them a weak smile, their form is foggier then last time he saw them, but still very strong, “It’s alright, my lord. I understand. You did not choose for me to reborn as a vex.”

Xelqua sighs, “I did not foresee that there would be more mortals than humans one day, nor did I anticipate that becoming one yourself would cause issues for you.” They walk over to Scar and cradle his face, “I will make sure that you are safe from here on out. Call on me whenever you need, for whatever you need.”

“I don’t need anything else besides you, my lord.”

Xelqua leans down until their head is close to Scar’s, almost like he’s intending to touch their foreheads together, but staying a few inches apart. “You need to wake up, something important has happened.”

Scar blinks, but isn’t able to respond before he’s back in the waking world, and face to face with a masked stranger. He flinches back, scrambling away from them, realizing that he’s still soaked in blood and how bad that will look.

The stranger holds up their hands, “I’m not here to harm you, I’m here to help,”

“Help…?” Scar echoes. He’s covered in blood, how can this stranger just ignore that?

They nod, “I saw the smoke and came to investigate, you… you managed to escape, I see.”

He stares at the stranger, belatedly realizing that they have the wrong idea, “I… yeah, I did.”

The stranger nods, “I’m Xisuma, I run a safe space for hybrids of all kinds. Humans aren’t fond of a lot of us, and to stop them from hunting us down I take them it.” Xisuma reaches out a hand, “So you can continue to run if you wish, or I can take you to protect you.”

Scar hesitates, because Xisuma is very much misinterpreting his situation. He managed to escape, sure, but it wasn’t from humans. He doesn’t want to start this on a lie, but… he reaches out a hand, letting Xisuma pull him off the ground, staggering a little. Apparently humans are a danger to him, so he’ll take the safety. “I’ll join.”

He seesXisuma’s eyes crinkle in a smile through the visor, “Welcome to Hermitcraft.”

“Scar,” Xelqua murmurs to Scar as he kneels in prayer.

Scar opens his eyes, glancing around to find the god, “Yes, my lord?” He answers when he finally sees them. They look more solid than Scar has seen them yet, although still foggy and features undistinguishable.

“My powers are almost strong enough to create a mortal form.”

He turns around to fully face his God, still kneeling, “Really? That’s great.”

There’s a hum before Xelqua replies, his tone sounding pleased, “And it’s all thanks to you, my devoted.”

Scar bows his head, “Of course, my lord.”

“I do have to warn you,” they continue, “my mortal form will look quite different.”

He keeps his head down, “I would recognize you anywhere, my divinity, in a heartbeat.”

The grin is clear in their voice when Xelqua says, “Oh? Is that a challenge?”

Scar looks up, blinking in surprise, “Huh?”

“If I came up to you in my mortal form, you would know? Even without me saying anything?”

“Of course, my Lord, I would never fail you,” Scar replies, quiet, but assured, “anything you wish for will be done.”

Xelqua chuckles, “Challenge accepted.”

“Hey Scar!”

Scar startles, turning away from his chest monster to see Grian land in front of him. He grins at the avian, “Hey, Grian, what brings you to my pirate islands?” Grian has definitely adjusted quickly to joining Hermitcraft, only a little hesitant around some of the others now.

“Just seeing what you’re up to,” he replies, peering around Scar to the chests.

Scar looks back at the chests, a little embarrassed at the mess, “I just came back from gathering some materials.”

“I see,” Grian murmurs, and then his voice warps, “you have failed me, pet.”

Scar inhales sharply, whirling back around to face Grian. Grian, whose eyes are no longer pitch black, now glowing purple. A familiar purple. He falls to his knees, wincing as he hits the hard ground, and bows his head, unable to meet the other’s eyes. “My lord,” he gasps out, “forgive me. I was wrong and disappointed you.”

Hands cradle his face, warm and familiar, but also different. They raise his head up until he makes eye contact with Gr- Xelqua. “I will forgive you,” he murmurs, voice still echoing around Scar, “I did not make it easy for you.”

“Thank you, my god.”

Xelqua hums, eyes sparkling, “It feels nice, to hold you like this, to feel you this much.”

“My lord?” Scar inquires.

“It was always faded, when I did this before, it feels so much more real now.” There’s a pause before he continues, voice stern again, “There is a way to prove yourself and redeem this failure.”

“Anything,” Scar replies easily, willing to do anything to prove his devotion.

“This is fine when we’re alone, but any time we are in front of anyone else I am Grian, just a mortal avian.”

Scar baulks, “My lord, I-“

Xelqua tightens his grip on Scar’s face, “Playing mortal is interesting, I want to keep it up. Do you understand me?”

“I-“ Scar struggles to respond, how can he not treat his lord with the worship he deserves? Yet, Xelqua is giving him a direct order. He leans into the hands, “Yes, my lord.”

Xelqua smiles at him, and his magic fills the air, surrounding Scar and making him shudder. Scar’s always loved the feeling of Xelqua’s magic, which the God lets him feel it as a reward, after discovering.

Scar lets himself get lost in it, it means his God is happy with him, after all.

#my writing #devoted from one lifetime to the next #5 + 1 fic #5+1 times #scarian #hermitshipping

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