#and its weird to have to like. internalize that hes talking to me abt it bc im head baker and not bc i personally have done something wrong

[boyfeminism]

this job is so stressful to me like. im doing okay im doing better than i started but ive basically been put into a pseudo management position with very little real responsibility other than "fix it" and "advocate for it" and even less power to make it happen but like. i Hate management and i have a hard time sticking up for myself and keeping a cool head when doing so, which means when someone who i Know doesnt do his job is giving me bullshit numbers its hard to know where to give ground and where to be firm. and this kitchen is a disaster but like other baking jobs have Such a high standard that like. would i even manage a job where the kitchen Wasn't a total sinking ship? ive got less than a year of baking experience, mostly in bread, and everyone wants pastry. a chef from corporate asked me if id been to culinary school and it was both flattering and made me feel like kind of a fraud. a sous chef (who i really liked but her last day is tomorrow) asked the same and when i said no elaborated that i carry myself and have the attitude of someone who did (in a good way) which was Also flattering but like. she sent me a pastry position she found online that wanted someone who knew how to do laminated pastry and it just. i feel so small!!! this is something i like a lot and the new head chef of the baking department says he can tell i have talent and im eager to learn and he knows i can do this and that im doing a good job so far but its genuinely so stressful i think about work constantly ive never worked a job where ive had this much expectation put on me.

plus its so insulting when they tell me my product "doesnt look good" bc theyre 1) premade frozen bullshit and 2) packaged poorly bc we have no other options. fuck off dude you come and make these shitty turnovers, asshole. i know how to tell when a cookie is done. fuck off. like i am the First to tell you when something ive made is not up to my standard, not in a self depricating way but in a constant effort to do better. i Know when the cookies are too dark. I know when the turnovers didnt get egg washed. i know when the batter was overmixed. i know when something is Off but i dont know the cause and know when to ask someone who should know more than me. i dont need you to tell me when something is off, Especially when like. it isnt lmao

[29121996]

.

[ashen-char]

brace yourself

ship: amber freeman (scream) x fem reader

warnings: some jokes about blood/murder since its amber yknow, not much tho

summary: after getting braces, you feel insecure about it. your girlfriend amber reassures you about it

word count: 1100+

notes: requested here. thank you <3 i dont know too much abt braces but i hope you like it regardless

Awkward would be the first word that jumps into your head about how you're feeling right now. Your mouth feels weird, your lips and cheeks feeling crowded like there's suddenly not enough space in your mouth. You can't help running your tongue over the brackets and wires as your orthodontist speaks to you. He's telling you about how to take care of them, what foods not to eat, things to avoid. You're not really paying attention. Instead, you nod along to pretend you're listening when internally all you're thinking about is whether Amber would totally hate it.

When you had told her about the possibility of you getting braces, you couldn't really read your girlfriend's reaction. Amber was a big part of why you had grown to accept your old smile. She had made you confident in something you used to hate when you were younger, always telling you how much she liked it, always trying to make you smile so she could see it.

Your orthodontist hands you a pamphlet that sums up all the care he was describing, and after thanking him you stuff it into your pocket. That's when your phone buzzes with a text from Amber.

Hey, babe! Can't wait to see u. How was it?

You take a deep breath and type back quickly. Walking out of the clinic, you get into your car. You two had planned a date for after your appointment so that Amber could treat you while your gums and stuff were still all achey. It's cute how much she wanted to take care of you.

ah it went alright. give me a few? omw to pick you up

You catch sight of yourself in the rearview mirror. You flash a smile to inspect how the braces look, if it's really as different as it feels. The braces are clear as day in the bright pink you chose, like they're mocking you. You had picked a colour you liked in hopes that it'd cheer you up but maybe that was a bad idea.

Sitting on your driver's seat, you think about Amber's perfect smile, her eyes crinkling at the corners when she laughs. What if she notices the braces first thing? What if she thinks they’re ugly? Or what if she'll be disappointed that they're just... different?

Your thoughts are interrupted when Amber texts back. There's no time to worry about what she'll think - she'll see you in a few minutes whether you like it or not.

Getting changed. See ya mwah

Sighing, you buckle your seatbelt and turn the ignition key. There's no stalling when Amber's waiting for you.

By the time you pull up in the driveway of her house, Amber is already waiting at her front door. She lights up upon seeing you, walking out to your car before you even had the chance to go to her front door.

"Hey, babe," she says, sliding into the passenger seat. "How was the orthodontist?"

"Hey. And fine, I guess," you answer, barely even turning to look at her. You hesitate for a moment, wondering if you should go in for a kiss like you usually do. You've heard these stories about braces getting stuck together when people made out, or the brackets cutting lips. You don't wanna hurt Amber.

You hadn't even realised that you were pursing your lips shut until Amber calls you out on it. "What's with the frown, huh? Hiding them from me?" she asks teasingly.

"I-" you go to argue back, but inside you know she's right. It might have been unconscious but you didn't want her to see yet. Didn't want the opportunity to be judged.

"It can't be that bad," Amber says. "Come on. You haven't even kissed me hello yet."

You bite your lip. "I'm just nervous to kiss you with these," you mumble, still trying your best not to talk too much. "I dunno how to. It could scratch you or something."

Amber rolls her eyes. As if something that small would prevent her from kissing her girlfriend. She goes to playfully nudge your arm. "I'm tougher than that. Kissing you 'til I bleed sounds kinda fun, actually. Kinky."

You can't help but to smile at her playful tone. Amber made you forget that you were trying to keep your lips from parting too much. "I should've known you'd say that."

When you speak, Amber goes to hold your face in your hand, holding your jaw to keep your mouth open. "Ah, don't close 'em again. I wanna see!"

And well, you're a simp so you tend to do whatever your girlfriend wants. You feel your cheeks heat up as she studies you, your mouth pulled to a smile to show them to Amber.

"Cute. Pink," she notes. Amber tilts your jaw, looking at you from every angle. "You're always cute."

You avoid her gaze. When she has your face tilted back to look directly at her, relief flows over you when you can see she's being genuine. She likes it. She still thinks you're cute. "Shut up," you say, but you're smiling now.

"Is that all you were worried about, babe? Can I get a kiss from my girlfriend now?"

It's not like your nerves can go away with a few words. As much as she says it's OK now, you don't wanna ruin kissing her. You don't wanna scratch up those soft pillowy lips you love kissing so much. But still, Amber always gets what she wants. And if she thinks a little bit of blood would be hot, well so be it.

"Alright," you breathe out, weak to how she's cupping your face. "If you do it softly. Don't scratch yourself."

"Don't tell me what to do," is her jokey reply. Still, Amber closes the distance, pressing a soft and tentative (on your end, at least) kiss to your lips. You’re hyper-aware of the braces, but her kiss is gentle, careful, and all your fears of metal mishaps melt away. When she pulls back, she’s smiling, her eyes sparkling. “See? Not so bad, right?”

You laugh, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders. “Not bad at all.”

"Were you seriously nervous?" Amber laughs. She swats your arm, thinking you're ridiculous. "As if you could be anything but cute to me. Why would I care about some braces?"

"I dunno... You think the others will say anything?" you ask, of Amber's friends.

"They're not gonna laugh. And if they do, I'll knife em' in their sleep for ya. You know me, babe. I wouldn't let anyone make fun of my girl." Amber smirked, her trademark dark humour helping lighten the mood. She squeezes your thigh in a show of quick reassurance before going to do her seatbelt. "Now hurry up and take me out, I'm fucking starving."

[zan0tix]

I yap so much about the comic and the importance i find in its contents but i hope when i write dirk or jake or rlly any of them it doesnt come off as me dumbing them down😭

I know the core internal mechanisms at which they all operate from otherwise i wouldnt understand why they even do what they do and why they speak how they do since that is so crucial to analysis of their behaviour and Why they were written.

But i mostly write silly scenarios so the deeper messier parts dont get to show much😭 working on deeper things tho rest assured i am locking in🫡🫡🫡

I try to match the tones of how i believe the characters would act continuing off the ending of homestuck. With dirk and jake specifically i try to write them to where they still both kinda dont say everything they need to but they dont have the weight of narrative destiny on their shoulders anymore so they can admit they like spending time together and have actually confessed like normal people and got out those apologies they kept yammering on about in the last half of act 6

I try to reinvoke the ridiculous nature of the one time we really see the real dirk and jake talk (which was actually a dreambubble memory. jake is so gay.) but i try to make it feel how that did, they really do love spending time together and just being weird and cringe and bantering about stupid shit ❤️(the most we see dirk type laugh in the comic)

(Always Highly recommend reading this log if you havent in a while. Its just such good writing theyre so funny) https://www.homestuck.com/story/4844

I feel like the Best Bros part of dirkjake kinda gets lost alot of the time considering THEY NEVER SPEAK DIRECTLY (which is insane that hussie could craft this universe bending gender norm shattering yaoi with no fucking interactions wtf anyway) but there is alot you can gleam from jakes interactions with hal and this one log to tell us how they usually speak

Dirk always veers into making homoerotic comments because.. i dunno he might have feelings for jake or something whos to say. and when jake presses him dirk immediately diverts. I think from being around dave and everything daves realised thats bullshit about masculine standards and heroism that let him have a healthier relationship to masculinity, hearing abt that would loosen dirk up about Actually being affectionate to jake

But hes still somehow trying to no homo his way out of things that are incredibly homo just in a subtler way, not immediately going “Haha, what? I never said that. Anyway.” (Its both out of his fear for what his true identity means about him as a man but also because he doesnt think he deserves to get such affections cough thinks himself an evil)

And jake was always going with the flow. If his friends socially decreed something as okay to talk about then the fucking damn burst open and he couldnt keep it in anymore but they had to Very Clearly Clarify with him about it. So i think dirk going down a more positive road would lead jake there too seeing that if its okay for dirk to be less restrictive with his feelings jake can be too.

The Epilogues has a highly specific premise and was being manned by caliborn and calliope 2.0 cranked to the max in the deranged fanfic behaviour so. Of course it would not be a healthy environment for characters to grow💀 anyone who takes it as full confirmation about how theyd act or become as adults and ignores the fact of its premise Being “Homestuck but Sick and Twisted; The Fanfiction” is kind of stupid its like saying homosuck was in character. Ofc everybodys lives goes to shit because the two running the show dont know how the hell to be good puppeteers 😭

Said it on twitter but you can tell how much a dirk hates himself based on his relationship to a jake. Because tho ult dirk wouldnt ever admit it jake is dirks anchor of self worth just as dirk is jakes. When they show compassion and kindness to one another its a step closer to self acceptance because Jake is quite frankly a living embodiment of EVERYTHING that is “wrong” (queer, cringe, sincere, feminine) about Dirk to himself in his saviour complex surrounding manhood. (See Everything caliborn says about jake) jakes always waiting for dirk. If dirk were to step down and admit his own humanity itd mean hed have to accept he is capable of growing and isnt inherently evil, and jake would be ready to embrace that about himself too

Anyway all that to say. Even in my simple silly writing i at least do try to retain dirk and jakes strange emotional dodging olympics but also its just on a smaller level since theyve inching their way to fully internalising that Its Okay to be Cringe and Gay Together❤️ because the World isnt Ending anymore. Its in the little things they dont say because haha im the one who makes them say words.

Dirk and jake hate themselves because theyre not men in the right way but their love is because of them not being men in the right way so.. nerm.. Whos flying the plane?

[aquato-family-circus]

Interns & Teachers hcs best to worst

Morris obvs we know doesn't wanna trade his mentorship with Milla so they must get along well, or at least he thinks so! I think he really respects and admires her, and wants to impress her. Milla on her part is textually a very good teacher and caregiver so she probably has given Morris a lot to work with to grow and improve. Maybe Morris was even more of a rascal and trouble maker before we met him and Milla taught him to at least put that energy toward something productive. Like Pirate Radio!

I don't USUALLY like going to extra material for things I think are true but the art book says Adam is senior to the other interns which I think implies he actually has spent plenty of time with Truman, rather than the impression the game gives of "none at all hes in a coma, lol".

That being said I imagine their mentorship is on a very professional feeling level. they get along and maybe Truman even tries to be friendly and casual with the boy, but Adam is super focused on being a good student and working on his big historical project. After the mole incicent though maybe he loosens up! He nearly lost the chance to talk to his mentor ever again after all.

Gisu and Otto are super duper casual in contrast to Adam and Truman. Gisu skateboards into his lab, yells WHATS UP TEACH! Otto says something abt his latest project before throwing a wrench at Gisu who catches it mid sick skate flip because Otto just expects her to help with said project in exchange to credits + not having to do homework for a week. They barely talk outside of this bc the agreement is not spoken and just based on vibes and knowing winks.

After the games I think Lizzie swings back to Compton's and he gives her a stern look and a raised eyebrow like you didn't do my assignment? and Lizzies like dude I tried man. and she thinks shes gonna get a lecture but instead Compton's like I'm sorry about that, let's start over, and then they play chess and he wins 3 times in a row. He learns Lizzie likes "weird" and "ugly" animals like bugs and rats and he makes some new assignment about just observing them in the wild, maybe try to talk to them if she can! and reporting back to him. Lizzie still thinks thisis a bit lame but at least she doesnt have to set up a Goat Trap so its an improvement

Sam learns what Coach did at camp and she doesn't do anything actively malicious but she does give him horrible stink eye for like a week. afterwards they go back to getting along surprisingly well aside from all the times Sam says some shit that sounds oddly like a threat but it goes over Oleander's head like half the time.

If Adam and Truman are a good professional vibe, Norma and Hollis are a bit of a stinky professional vibe. Hollis obviously thinks shes a capable young girl, she did let her teach class while she was off meditating about bills. But Norma wants so much more than that and tries so so so hard to impress her even though she ALSO thinks her homework assignment is boring and childish. She goes to Hollis' office like I want a different assignment, with the unspoken want "do not treat her like a child". and Hollis is like oh ok do you want to learn some advanced techniques that come from reading this big dry book of theory as big as your head. and Norma is like well, no. and Hollis is like ok then do your assignment very neutrally and Norma leaves thinking SHE HATES ME!!! bc I think Norma probably has. bad responses to rejection.

Hopefully Norma improves over time though bc I think! I think Hollis could possibly see a lot of potential in her!! She might even see a girl who's impatient, prone to rash decisions, and wants to prove herself so badly, and see herself in her. which is something that's only just occured to me but i enjoy the idea a lot so thats where I'll end this.

[idolomantises]

talking abt that one thing in velma thats on my mind a lot for the past few days (that turned into a big incoherent rambling about gay rep in media)

i'm seeing jokes about how the queer representation in mystery inc being so much better than the queer representation in velma and honestly it makes me want to go on a whole tangent about my thoughts on queer representation nowadays vs the more subtle examples decades prior.

There's this weird debate that goes on online about what is "good" queer representation, and one of the most notable and honestly annoying examples is that queer representation has to be so subtle that you could easily miss it/ignore it. i've always hated that take because its a claim mostly said by straight people who are uncomfortable with seeing characters who are openly queer and/or state their identity, but they present it as some sort of push for subtle and nuanced writing. personally i do prefer it when a character just, identifies as how they are without explaining their identity, but that doesn't mean flat out explaining your orientation is inherently bad representation. its why i will always defend the very clunky and awkward high guardian spice scene. it is absolutely poorly directed and written, but that doesn't make it "bad representation". however, I do consider the character who explains that he's trans bad representation because he is flat, uninteresting and very clearly a creator self insert. he doesn't feel like a well rounded character who's also a trans man, but just an incredibly sanitized example of trans representation.

i have many, many issues with helluva boss/hazbin hotel and i do genuinely find some depictions of queer characters just flat out offensive (you can argue with me about how angel dust being written like your average 90s gay stereotype is woke actually because he has trauma, i dont care), but i do admire and appreciate that the series doesn't want to sanitize its queer characters, even if its done poorly. though i could go into a whole rant about how i find it very telling that female characters that are queer are far less sexualized or allowed to be problematic compared to their queer male counterparts.

anyways back to velma. that show does something that i've always found pretty irritating in queer representation which is just this weird lack of faith in its audience. characters can't have a slow burn anymore. internalized thoughts, anger, frustration, longing. you have to immediately know that two characters are gay for each other, even if they're lifelong enemies. its like when modern horror movies open with the gore because they're scared people are going to be bored or leave early. there's no subtlety or chemistry between daphne and velma, they're just lovers because idk, its two girls who hate each other and who doesn't love that.

then i think about how mystery inc handled velma and her sexuality, how she was allowed to be well rounded and nuanced before you slowly realize that "oh, she doesn't like boys". i know her whole thing with shaggy is controversial among fans but i always loved how she does do something pretty unlikable but not immoral. yeah, it is shitty to force shaggy to choose between her and his dog, but i can understand her line of thinking and empathize with her. and i do like how they become friends in the end despite their awkward break up. It's always fun rewatching it and realizing that their incredibly awkward and cringe relationship was meant to be awkward and cringe. it was supposed to be weird and difficult to watch, because those two weren't meant to date each other. you could see how hard velma was trying to make the relationship work despite the fact that you never get the vibe that either character was full invested in it, unlike daphne and fred's relationship.

then you had velma and her relationship with marcie, which started off as sort of a catty rivalry (not full on attempted murder, i mean holy shit hbo velma) that slowly grows to where you're completely convinced that these two did gradually like each other. and i do really enjoy stuff like that, more subtle writing like that. which doesn't just apply to queer rep btw, my favorite ships are relationships that feel understated, something you have to really dig for and pay attention to. its why i consider bubbline the best f/f representation in cartoon. because its subtle, but not too subtle where it feels out of no where when they kiss, and nuanced in ways that enhances the relationship AND characters.

there's a good amount of relationships i see in cartoons where the creator, who is usually queer themselves, often wants to depict queer relationships, but is weirdly adverse to depicting the uglier aspects of that character, and refuses to add subtlety to it. steven universe is a show i've always felt conflicted on its handling of queer representation because on the one hand i appreciate writing lesbians that are messy, traumatized and make constant mistakes. but on the other hand, the show goes out of its way to ignore these issues and/or make excuses for it, making the decision to make these characters messy and complicated genuinely baffling (this is also one of the big issues i have with catradora and stolitz).

it makes me think back to my own work too. i really enjoy making fluffy, easily digestible gay content for my followers and myself because it puts me in a good headspace. But even now and then i like exploring those little nuances too, because i don't really enjoy stories with little conflict. Because of that acknowledgement of how satisfying it is to write fluffy, queer rep, you end up putting yourself in other creator's shoes. you're so used to media that either dehumanizes gay people or tells people that they don't exist that you push yourself to make the most in your face queer rep you can but its at the cost of an interesting and subtle characters. characters that don't really have arcs or places to learn and grow.

With bugtopia i made a joke about how i want some of my queer rep to feel like you're being queerbaited. It's not literal, obviously, but mixed in with characters who are already married and in same gender relationships, i really want to write dynamics that feel subtle enough for a bit of a slow burn. even if you know they're going to end up together, to at least value the characters on their own before centering them on their relationships. queerbaiting is something that deserves all the criticism it can get, but it is embarrassing when queerbaiting feels genuinely more interesting than actual queer rep because queerbaiting has that factor of "maybe they won't get together" that adds that bit of intrigue, vs so many shows that repeatedly hammer in your head "don't worry guys, they're gonna be lesbian lovers".

mystery inc (and many other shows) being forced to keep a relationship obvious while subtle to get through censorship really forced creators to be creative with their storytelling and not center characters around their relationship and identity. but nowadays i think shows like to take the easy way out. for me, i always thought the most impactful example of queer representation in steven universe is "Rose's Scabbard". I genuinely don't enjoy that episode because it's a good example of the show thinking that trauma is an excuse for shitty behavior, but i cant deny that an entire episode of pearl breaking down and finally accepting that she wasn't the center of rose's world. it's the crew being forced to be creative and push through censors to telling a compelling story about a traumatized lesbian slowly realizing that she basically deluded herself into thinking she was someone's savior.

I think it's silly to try to place good queer representation in one box. like subtle queer rep is good, but also queer rep where a character flat out states that their gay. where I think it falls apart is when it either reinforces stereotypes without properly deconstructing or expanding on them, makes the characters so overly kind and non-controversial that the relationship is just boring, or try to make your messy and complicated characters but the narrative refuses to hold them accountable or at least acknowledge that they're doing something wrong. and to clarify on that last part, i'm not asking for some hays code nonsense where every bad person goes to prison and/or promises to stop being a bad person again. i mean the narrative doesnt just fucking sugarcoat their behavior. i don't want to see helluva boss ignore the fact that stolas made blitzo call him out for only using him for sex and then pathetically rush to justify their relationship by giving them a bizarrely sanitized and sweet backstory. and i don't want to see catra literally end the fucking universe and only do something good because she's straight up out of options and the show just decides that that was her redemption and she doesn't need to do anything to atone for what she did (including repeatedly abusing and verbally berating adora).

anyways velma has none of those interesting qualities and i'm pretty sure daphne and velma kissed because the creator is a weird pervert who thinks two girls kissing is hot.

[paingoes]

Rubies

Communication

authors note: kitty uses the word ‘nonverbal’ here in a way that isnt really medically accurate. thats kind of a whole discussion im not gonna get into now but tl;dr delta has selective mutism and autism but he isnt “nonverbal” per se.

(Content: living weapon whumpee, discussion of past captivity, past abuse, discussion of war, (internalized) abuse apologism, dehumanization, emotional whump)

================

katkittykat: hiiiiii :3c

nodiving: hey

He glanced over the top of his laptop screen, across the room where Kitty was curled up on the armchair. She flashed her teeth at him when she smiled. Her nails clicked against the keys when she typed.

katkittykat: this is so smart lowk idk why i didnt think of it sooner

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: i’ve seriously been drafting forum arguments in my head this entire time

nodiving: all of them probably think they won just cause i termed

nodiving: would it be weird if i just pick them back up like nothing happened

katkittykat: ya u might have to let those go tbh

nodiving: :/

It was very hard to type with the cast on. It took him much longer to write than it normally would. Luckily, she didn’t interrupt until she heard the typing stop.

katkittykat: so like whats the deal w u

katkittykat: are u not talking cause ur scared to?

nodiving: no

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: its not that im scared necessarily its just that its very very unnatural for me 

nodiving: it still feels rude and overfamiliar to me even if i know you dont see it that way

nodiving: this is a lot easier thank you

katkittykat: you dont have to talk if it’s uncomfortable !!!

katkittykat: its cool if ur nonverbal we can just keep texting like dis

nodiving: i think i do want to though

nodiving: its just hard

nodiving: please dont like…stop talking to me

nodiving: im trying

katkittykat: u will have to deal w us talking to u FUREVER !!!! >:3c

nodiving: <3

katkittykat: aaaaaaaah <33333

He hesitated a long time before typing the next message.

nodiving: do you think i should have stayed

katkittykat: what???? D:

nodiving: on a purely strategic level it seems like this was not the most optimal outcome

katkittykat: urghhhh 

katkittykat: well on a ~purely strategic level~ im not the best person to ask tbh

katkittykat: like im ngl galatea was NOT prepared for sudden reunification and thats why levon is so pissed at us X)

katkittykat: but it would have been hard no matter what and if the war had gone on we wouldve had to fight along 2 different fronts which is also noooooot good

katkittykat: and if we had to do that. we would have had to fight you! which would have been v v v not good  X(

katkittykat: so idk if there was really a better outcome? and even if there was like

katkittykat: its not ur problem

katkittykat: ur not just a chess piece to be moved around

nodiving: i kind of am though

nodiving: theres obviously been a huge fallout because of this and it feels wrong to write all of it off just because of. my rights or whatever.

nodiving: i feel like i kind of jumped the gun leaving when i did

katkittykat: aw jeez :(

katkittykat: i was curious abt that tbh i assumed there was some final straw for u but i didnt wanna pry obvs

katkittykat: seems like it was bad ?

nodiving: i dont know 

nodiving: i was more scared by the escalation it represented than anything that actually happened so i feel like i may have overreacted a little bit

nodiving: its hard to explain

katkittykat: ur ok! u can talk abt it when ur ready

katkittykat: but fwiw i really doubt you overreacted

nodiving: thank you

katkittykat: if anythin u seem to be kinda? downplaying it????

nodiving: it really wasnt that bad

nodiving: i could have gone longer

katkittykat: idk delta it kinda seems that bad

katkittykat: i think u got used to it

katkittykat: but that doesnt mean it wasnt bad

He gave her a nervous glance from across the room, his hands stilling on the keyboard. He reluctantly began to type again.

nodiving: did you say i didnt have to talk about it

katkittykat: yes!!!! mb

katkittykat: do u wanna play league omg we actually have time now

nodiving: yessssss

===========

nodiving: hi

sunspot: Hi Delta!!!! :)

sunspot: How are you !!!!

nodiving: im ok

nodiving: im sorry i was such a dick to you before 

nodiving: i was looking at the old messages again i feel really bad

sunspot: No you’re totally good! We were being really pushy i get why you were upset

sunspot: We were just worried for you honestly even when we didnt know you that well

sunspot: It was scary when you would just disappear for weeks at a time like that

sunspot: We just wanted to make sure you were safe

sunspot: Still do!

nodiving: thank you 

nodiving: i was scared too

nodiving: can i ask you something

sunspot: Yes please!!!! Yes I thought youd never ask!!!!

nodiving: is levon going to kill me

sunspot: Oh no

sunspot: He explicitly promised me not to

sunspot: Delta please do not tell me you have been worrying about that this entire time

nodiving: it stood out as a distinct possibility 

sunspot: Didnt he promise he wouldnt hurt you?

nodiving: yes

nodiving: you understand why i may be a bit hesitant to take him at his word

sunspot: Yes I guess thats our bad 

sunspot: But i really don’t think he wants that for you

sunspot: Do you think he’d wait for you to heal just to kill you at the end?

nodiving: not sure

sunspot: That was rhetorical! The answer was no.

nodiving: then what

sunspot: a good question

sunspot: I wish I had an answer for you and I really cant apologize enough for putting you in this situation but I'm afraid it could get very messy for a little while

nodiving: messy how

sunspot: In the broadest possible terms

sunspot: They dont really know what to do with you

sunspot: So that is something we are all going to have to figure that out together

=============

LEVON: Kitty.

LEVON: How are you, my sweet?

KITTY: omg hiiiiiii

KITTY: im rlly good actually things r rlly good!

LEVON: Any progress?

KITTY: ya i think so :)

KITTY: hes opening up a little hes still like. v v shy in person? but not as scared i dont think 

KITTY: hes very polite

LEVON: Poor thing.

LEVON: Does he have sensory issues? I hear that’s a big thing with psychics.

KITTY: ummm yeah hes v twitchy. i think he gets his signals crossed a lot but idk if hes aware of it? he just gets all hackle-y at literally nothing sometimes

LEVON: Interesting.

KITTY: how are things back there

LEVON: Well, it’s a shitshow. You’ll find out soon.

KITTY: eek

KITTY: um can i tell u smth

LEVON: Of course.

KITTY: i dont think hes ready yet 

LEVON: You have the rest of the month.

KITTY: no even then i just dont think hes gonna be ready

KITTY: he needs more time

LEVON: I feel like I’ve been more than generous in letting you keep an unsupervised superweapon(!) in your house for two months without disturbance 

LEVON: I’m not saying I’m going to put him through the ringer or anything but he does need to come back to base.

LEVON: You’re coming with him, so I don’t see what the issue is.

KITTY: will we b able to see him then :?

LEVON: Sure.

KITTY: can he room w me :3c

LEVON: Nope.

KITTY: why D:

LEVON: Security reasons. 

KITTY: levon :(

LEVON: This isn’t coming from me.

KITTY: but ur the boss!!!!

LEVON: Yes, but this isn’t an absolute monarchy. I’m still obligated to follow protocol and I’m obligated to listen to other members of the council.

LEVON: Who I should add, are a LOT less okay with this than I am. 

KITTY: ok i get all that but listen like

KITTY: i dont think u understand how fragile he is rn

LEVON: I think you may actually be underestimating him.

KITTY: uh wat do u mean by that

LEVON: He’s held his own within Empire for nineteen years. That’s not for the weak. He can handle a little strain.

KITTY: lol is that what u call it

KITTY: a little strain?

LEVON: Relatively speaking, yes. I’ll do what I can to make it painless for him. Personally, I think he’s innocent.

KITTY: he IS innocent

LEVON: Can you prove it?

KITTY: ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!

LEVON: That file you sent me. You made it, didn’t you? You’ve seen what’s on there? The casualty count?

KITTY: but thats not his fault!

LEVON: And I agree with you. But that’s what we’re going to have to establish. 

KITTY: but i dont want him to :(((

LEVON: What you want is not necessarily the basis upon which the courts operate.

==========

katkittykat: doing ok????

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: in my room

katkittykat: what do u do in there

nodiving: kinda just been sleeping a lot

nodiving: im really tired all the time i dont know why

nodiving: i didnt use to be

katkittykat: ur sleep debt is probably insaneeeeeee that why

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: im sorry that im like this btw

katkittykat: u dont need to apologize for resting bby theres nothing 2 b sorry for

nodiving: not just that i mean everything

nodiving: i know im not normal 

katkittykat: u rlly rllllly dont need to worry abt that around us i promise we r all freak bitches

katkittykat: i like talking to u tho and i think its ok if u dont realylly feel “normal” right now u dont need to b

katkittykat: u can just b urself and if u dont know who that is rn thats fine too becuz u have the rest of ur life to figure it out

katkittykat: i will still want to hang out w you anyway <3

It took a long time for him to respond. She thought he may have fallen asleep again.

nodiving: why are you being so nice to me

Her turn to hesitate. That was more of an Apollo question — he could explain it ad nauseam. She didn’t know what answer she could possibly give him, if he even really wanted one. 

There was so little she knew about Delta. Each glimpse she got of what his life had been like painted a worse picture of it. They always said he’s been through a lot when anyone asked; it was a convenient euphemism for a whole array of issues. He tried so hard to play his cards close it to his chest. It felt like a betrayal then, the way the signs slipped through. 

nodiving: you dont have to be

She frowned as she slowly tapped at the keyboard.

katkittykat: i wanna be tho

katkittykat: cause i like u

katkittykat: <3

Another moment of silence. She braced herself. There was no way she could try and unpack all of that herself. She hoped she would not have to. She would do it wrong.

nodiving: <3

…………

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety

[killugon-truther]

hxh analysis: ep. 98 [killua] parallels ep. 116 [gon]

okay but the parallel between killua kinda lashing out/getting defensive towards gon in ep. 98 and gon lashing out/getting defensive towards killua in ep. 116 (but in a more intense way when he did it obv) has been a reoccurring thought in my head for a while now.

esp since i always personally interpreted killua’s goal for splitting up at all in ep. 98 as more than just him believing it’ll be easier to do alone & wanting gon to focus on prioritizing the mission over all else. that’s def part of it, but i also believe that killua’s actions, esp in this arc, always have an underlying emotional response in them, even if he doesn’t verbally mention it & he makes it seem like it’s ONLY for the sake of the mission.

when gon begins to interject, killua’s voice & actions begin to take on a rather defensive tone and then he switches to a more controlled & composed demeanor, acting as if he actually has everything under control (bc killua feels the need to constantly have everything under his control, or at least act like he does or act like it doesn’t bother him even when it’s the opposite); he does this a few times throughout the brief span they talk abt this.

even killua’s words (paraphrasing here), which are “no offense, but it’ll be easier for me to do alone,” had a rather harsh tone to them imo. at the same time, we can’t rly see killua’s expression, just the bottom half of his face, both that and his voice concealing how he rly feels. to me, this is only amplified by gon’s reaction, which was to make a face and say “okay, i get it.” in a rather annoyed/dejected tone.

like, “okay, i get it; you don’t want me around right now, you don’t think i’ll be able to help you. you don’t have to rub it in.” or smth like that. and considering gon is equally codependent on killua as killua is on him, & gon’s own internal insecurities and struggles abt not being strong/good enough to help or save the ppl he loves, i can imagine that probably insulted him even more, esp since it was his best friend in the entire world saying it. even if it wasn’t necessarily a “big deal”, that would still hurt.

all i could think in this moment was that killua was intentionally trying to push gon away, which was weird to me at first bc i didn’t understand why. why would killua be pushing his best friend away right now, arguably when they need each other most (again, i understand killua is also doing this for the mission but at the same time, it feels like he’s somewhat acting out of emotion) at the moment?

i think it’s bc this is the arc where killua’s feelings for gon (idc if you see them as platonic or romantic; regardless, killua is in DEEP) are at their most heightened, and at the same time, is the most aware killua has been of them. i could be wrong, but i feel this is the time he realized how much gon truly means to him, and at the same time, just how terrified he is of losing him (ep. 84, aka the “he’s my most precious friend!”, “i don’t want.. to lose him!”, and the needle removal ep. was when his feelings became more intense & he started to become more and more aware of how he truly felt).

(side note: i 100% believe that killua pulling out the needle, which was bc of how much he loved gon in the 1st place, was part of the reason killua’s feelings seem to steadily become more intense as the arc progressed. he can actually FEEL and REMEMBER stuff better now in its absence. why wouldn’t that make his emotions for his loved one(s) even more intense?)

what’s smth killua usually does when he’s afraid, when he feels like he doesn’t have any or enough control? he hides how he truly feels, he lashes out, he gets defensive, he tries to take control back of himself, his feelings, and of the situation in order to quell all of that trauma-born anxiety, sometimes even at the expense of hurting others or himself (just like gon does sometimes and esp in this arc).

and while this isn’t a perfect one-on-one parallel, it def feels like one to the way gon acted towards killua in ep. 116. gon pushed killua away by lashing out bc he felt like he was losing control; control of himself & feelings, control of the situation, control of the narrative he created in his mind of pitou being evil incarnate & them getting kite back in order to avoid completely breaking, etc.

if gon can't control kite being restored and if he can't control the situation, then he will grasp for smth that he sees as a last resort, one of the only things he can do: pushing away the person who loves him the most & who he loves most in return, the person he needs the most & who also needs him most, as a form of control. he can't directly control killua & make him go away, but he can be harsh and thoroughly even so, so killua leaves, and gon won't have to worry abt being the cause of another person he cares abt, who he values over himself, dying.

in ep. 98, killua couldn't control his feelings or the situation at hand- gon may very well die, & killua just can't let that happen- so he pushes all of that away in order to quell the fear, the vulnerability, the pain as much as he can in order to gain just some control, and in turn, pushes gon away. in ep. 116, gon does the same thing to him.

and look at these !!

ep. 98

ep. 116

they def feel like parallels. like i said, not one-on-one, but very similar !! the fact that killua & gon are further apart and that gon’s completely faced away in the ep. 116 parallel compared to ep. 98 where they’re closer and killua is still facing/looking at gon makes me so sad 😭😭 symbolism of characters separating further and further apart is the best and the worst.

basically... gon & killua love each other very much, but that love isn't always healthy on account that they are very traumatized and immature children who both have a constant need for control and to "fix" things by themselves and are afraid of facing their true feelings, which leads them to them lashing out & hurting each other & themselves lol. we love self destructive, codependent best friends !!

hope u enjoyed this analysis !! if u have any comments, criticisms, or anything else u wanna add, pls do.

[mamawasatesttube]

Do you have thoughts on how kon would be as a big brother to Chris and Jon? I've read Chris and Jon's comics and I'm writing a thing with them but I want to have their big brother be part of their character/internal problem solving even if he doesn't (as of yet) appear. But I've only read yj and superboy is unfinished/on my tbr so I'm going to the Expert

(If you have any thoughts opinions on Kara's familial relationships you can include those as well)

OOH OOH YES DO I EVER!!!!!

every time i think about kon as a big brother i immediately think of sb94 annual #2, which opens on kon taking a kid flying for his birthday and joking about him being superboy jr., kind of like his little brother. then we move to cadmus, where it turns out the prototypical experiment #1 (whereas kon was #13) has awoken and escaped his containment pod. he fights kon briefly, believing himself to be/wanting to be the "real" superboy, but is injured and collapses in kon's arms afterwards. it turns out he's not stable outside the pod and is dying; despite kon's best efforts to get the cadmus doctors to save him, he only lasts another few minutes. i'm personally never ever getting over kon's face when it happens (right after they both find out their dna donor was paul westfield):

SO!! with that being established backstory: i think kon would be soooo excited to be a big brother. he'd talk a big game and want the kids to think he's cool, and of course, he's a mega dork (he'd try to get them both into wendy, and if they didn't like it, he'd be offended). but imo, he's also gonna be so protective of them right off the bat, in large part because of poor clone #1. he's got a lot of feelings about people he's gotta protect, and little siblings are sooo high on that list.

one thing is that i don't think kon really thinks of clark as his dad. of course, it depends on the point in the timeline where you're really introducing chris and jon (because like kon was dead by the point of last son introducing chris, and fitting jon into new earth is always a fun puzzle), but (to be clear this is to an extent my hc also) by the time he's living with the kents, kon no longer wants superman to be his dad. i do think he does at first ("i wish i had parents" in sb94 #85 paired with how reactive he is about shooting down superman being his dad in sb94 #94), but when he moves in with the kents that dies down pretty fast. but he'd way rather the kids call him their big brother than, like, their uncle. that's so uncool (haha see, 'cuz uncle sounds kind of like uncool--aw, whatever)!!! it makes him sound so OLD!!!! he's not an uncle!!!

so overall i think it's like. he's a fun-loving and protective figure. they probably think he's So cool for a while, then get a little older and go oh wait. that's a dorklord. i do think jon throws one hell of a tantrum the day he finds out he's never gonna get ttk even if he grows into all the other kryptonian powers, though.

(i also hc that chris can get some weird funky powers other than ttk, not ttk itself, bc its like... kon is THE ttk guy, and thats a metagene designed to emulate kryptonian powers, so it feels a little weird to take something that specific and give it to another character who doesn't have any of the narrative reasons to need it. someone who knows more abt editorial please do correct me if i'm wrong, but i'm pretty sure they only gave chris ttk because prior to infinite crisis, the nightwing in new krypton shown to be using ttk was supposed to be kon, and was changed last-minute into chris.)

so like, he'd be a figure they can count on, someone they regard as always in their corner if they yell for him. he'll take the heat if they get in trouble (he spoils them. lois however has a very uncanny ability to tell if kon's taking the blame for something they did). i think as they grow older they might be like ...why's kon our brother but he doesn't live with us? and doesn't call our parents mom and dad? because kon stays with the kents but just hangs out with them all the time, and he calls clark and lois "clark and lois", and understanding that their family isn't nuclear might be a learning curve for them.

as for kara, i'll try and keep it brief bc this is already long i'm so sorry sdkhj but i generally operate in the realm of postcrisis kara, aka linda lang. she's roughly the same age as kon and she's got a Lot of feelings re: new krypton and her own guilt and her duty to her family, as well as whether she as supergirl can really measure up to superman. i love her. i think she would Adore having baby cousins because they mean her family is growing, after all the people she's lost. that said i think it's very possible she's a little awkward with kids because she just doesn't have that much experience with them. but i think she'd teach them to draw, and she'd really earnestly try with both of them. she'd LOVE to teach them about krypton, too.

[dykedvonte]

Ty for answering my asks! Recently, I saw some fanart of the gender bendered crew and it got me curios, how much would the plot change if Jimmy was a woman. I mean, she would still be emotionally abusive (esp to Fem!Curly), but at lest, I guess, the crash would've never happened (?)

Also, her relationship w/ Anya: if she was assulted still, it prolly would've been dissmissed, since it's between 2 women. Or, if Anya is male in this scenario, he couldn't really be able to talk abt it, since society decided that "women can't r*pe men", so it's not serious and he should suck it up. Man, it's just sucks to be Anya in any scenario my poor girl 😭

What do you think? If you have an opinion on that at all, that is

-💀

I think the scenario's where the gender was flipped or any level of gender based intersectionality is expanded makes it so much more complex.

If this is the scenario with fem!Jimmy, it comes with the territory of questionable internalized homophobia. Does Jimmy brush it off in this scenario because she doesn't think lesbian encounters are real ones? Is she struggling with her identity and taking it out on Anya who may be openly queer compared a fem!Curly who is either straight or just not interested in Jimmy? Perhaps it's a sort of weird entitled that can occur in female dominated spaces "We're both girls, I know what you have, it won't matter." It's still is something I don't see Jimmy denying in this scenario, he never really denies it in canon just talks around it with Curly. Here I can see it's less about the pregnancy and more so about the internalized homophobia. Not seeing Anya as anything but an unwanted aspect of her femineity and the allure of it, there's a lot more objectification of both Curly and Anya in this alteration as I would believe feels better thinking of them in that light if they are just fodder in her mind. Guilty pleasures that no longer bring her such. It's a careful situation because I don't want this to fall into predatory lesbian stereotyping, Jimmy is just a person who does not respect other people or their choice, if it conflict with what he wants or perceived is owed.

The idea of Curly having to report it and outing her not only as a rapist but queer and the denial, especially in the case Anya and Curly are both out as she feels a sort of resentment she can't be secure with herself that way. If it is masc!Curly, there could be the jealousy of him being able to actively pursue relationships he wants while she feels she can't, Anya and Curly playfully flirt, its casual but it's something she longs for in the same way she doesn't. She obsesses over Curly because she wishes she could be Curly in a social sense in both aspect male or female Curly.

If it's fem!Jimmy and masc!Anya? It's a much more delicate situation. In this scenario Jimmy gets pregnant. Maybe Anya does a blood test after the incident and finds out Jimmy is pregnant. It's a very sensitive matter because if it's fem!Curly her first assumption is Anya may have done something. That is just the immediate assumptions in cases like this. I think the fact that Anya is telling her would make Curly think it's not that simple, especially since Jimmy isn't brining it up or really caring but everyone reacts differently. Jimmy is pregnant however, and that's a big deal, she'll figure that out eventually on her own but how will she react? Curly knows it won't be good, Anya knows too.

I think the crash is instigated in this scenerio by fem!Curly actually doing more, refusing to sweep it under the rug because she can conceptualize that fear, likely she and Jimmy are the only girls on board. She trusts everyone, well did trust everyone, but it's just something you live with. She can't just live with that double standard but I feel like she really doesn't know how to address it. How does she bring it up to superiors without implicating Anya? What does she do with Jimmy, it still feels like she's catering to Jimmy but now the concern is primarily focused on the life this baby will be born into. If it is born at all. I don't think Jimmy would try to kill Anya in this concept but try to spin the narrative it was mutual up until she got pregnant. Curly doesn't really buy it but it's a lot of processing, a lot more he said she said but what Jimmy is saying just doesn't make sense. It gives Jimmy too much time to really settle with the fact she's pregnant and likely can't support a kid nor wants to give birth out in space. Jimmy feeling like she's being othered from the only other woman could also be a factor, maybe even starting into her thinking Curly is behaving like a "pick-me" for siding with a guy over her. The crash is more spiteful in terms of having to protect herself alone, due to Curly not outright supporting her delusions.

It really adds a certain horror to Jimmy's pregnancy hallucinations because after the crash they are about her, her symptoms the sign of showing. She doesn't want the child either and considering what being pregnant can do to your mental/physical state, especially some of the more negative symptoms, I doubt she is handling it well. A lot of Anya's struggles are with the stigmas around male victims. His body reacted so did he want it? He's gonna be a father and courts likely will make him pay or care for the baby even if they take Anya's side, their world is just like that. Would the other's blame him for not doing more, he is a man after all? Should he be considered lucky a woman was that into him? It's eating away at him because not only does he not feel safe, he actively blames himself.

In the case Curly is still a cis guy, its that weird feeling guys often get when talking about male victims of assault. I don't think he'd victim blame but he likely asks or thinks about how it could've happened, why wouldn't Anya just overpower Jimmy? Maybe he couldn't? Maybe Anya didn't have it in him to strike a woman. He wouldn't. Now he thinks of what he would have done if Jimmy did something like that to him. SImilary to my trans!Curly post, he's wondering if it could've been him. It's likely one of the first times in his life he has to think of that type of vulnerability in terms of himself and other men and against likely his girl best friend. I think that arm pat right before Jimmy crashes the ship would really make him feel weird, not like he'd have the time to really dig into those feeling but y'know WERE GONNA CRASH!!!.

In terms of Jimmy and Curly's specific relationship, it just gets messier if they aren't both guys or girls. There's a lot of misogny on Jimmy's side with fem!Curly. He often points out she's a woman captain or makes a point of her being one of the few independent woman in her field and how certain men hate that. It's insidious but Curly doesn't think about or like to cause she likes to believe Jimmy isn't one of those guys. He can be a bit antiquated, maybe a bit of a pig but no ones perfect! Here a lot of his resentment is more gear toward a woman having that power over him as Captain/filling the typical male roles he fails at. He can't stand that she's above him in almost aspect and he likely takes it out on other women. Similarly, fem!Jimmy and cis Curly is just as bad. It's a fact of not knowing if she wants to be him, wants him or wants to destroy him. It's obsession without anything positive. She feels entitled to his space and life and time and he has a hard time setting up boundaries cause, well, Jimmy's a girl, his bestfriend and it comes with all the stigmas around boygirl best friends. To him it's a sort of oppressive doting, he feels wrong telling her not to pick and like he's being controlling. That's how she'd spin it whenever he'd try to make boundaries with her.

They are still just friends but most people can't tell even if they can tell it's not healthy, in both cases. Either way I feel like if they were opposite genders to each other there would a specific infatuation Jimmy would have with Curly that would be less hidden but sort of unaddressed because the idea of Curly rejecting them would make them lash out in a way Curly may just leave for their safety. It's also Jimmy wouldn't want to be with Curly specifically but just want what would consistently provide/available.

If they are both girls, its envy. It's that sort of hate that someone fits the standards you don't, wanting them to be picked second or crack. She likes to get into Curly's head, point out flaws and act like it's just her being helpful. She wants Curly to be a girls girl but only for her. There's a sort of possessiveness like purposely jeopardizing relationships because why would a man come first? That girl hates me and is a pick me, why are you friends with her still, Curly? Like this is silly but think about how Regina George treats Gretchen Wieners and that's effectively how fem!Curly and fem!Jimmy would work but technically Curly has the sway of Regina.

I believe the crash would always happen. Jimmy would try to escape responsibility or really thinking about what they did in any world, any gender. It's about facing the consequences, losing things he refuses to let go of or having to deal with responsibilities he's not ready for. The switching of sex or gender really doesn't change those core aspects.

[psihawaii]

i know nothing about mashup week but i do wanna hear ur thoughts on trans scott

first of all: thank you for indulging me!!

second of all: obligatory LISTEN/READ MASHUP WEEK: MEGAMIX!! ill probably make a separate propaganda post anyway but plsss. mashup tournament that scott won three years ago that he now has to host and interview every1 and i like how he’s written better than most collabs (where hes not just. himself obviously.) write him. host says the tournament is a lot more like wii sports resort now and doesnt elaborate.

third of all: ooooooooookay so. This really got away from me im gonna put the rest under a readmore.

i’m gonna refer to them w/ they/them just for simplicity, but let the record show i don’t think they care that much either way/i switch up pronouns whenever i talk abt stw AHDHDJ (my main hc for a while was no pronouns scott just bc of how the descriptions are written hahahahahaha get itttttttttt)

i’ve Alwaysssss thought scott (the character obvi. do i have to keep clarifying that here too, im always gonna be referring to the character in this postSHDJDJ) was trans ever. since i joined the fandom in late 2021. Partly because borderline forever reminds me a lot of how i realized i was nonbinary (realizing somethings wrong and then course correcting by just… doing the opposite and wondering why that couldnt possibly be the solution.) but mostly because borderline forever is just Like That. . But more on that later

OUTSIDE OF THAT so much of how they act is sosososo deeply trans to me, or at the very least very egg-like and in denial deeply. THE THING that got me deep into stw initially was gifts of gaming because what the fuck man. scott’s very public breakdown because they feel extremely alienated from their peers and that this isn’t an isolated incident!!!!!! (finding other people unrelatable that is (and that’s probably also an autism and/or aroace thing but it can be all of those at once. Smile.) like so often is scott self deprecating abt how nobody cares abt them or their interests or how desperate they are for attention. dude.)

and like. okay so i made an entire nonbinary dysphoria comp already but there are so many. weird throwaway jokes. that aren’t… you know directly about them being trans/dysphoric but about how they hate facial hair or their voice or hated that they couldn’t have ‘girl toys’ growing up or that they shower fully clothed or that they’ll just. roleplay as a girl.

(and i was gonna have a whole bit about… i think you could make some kind of point about how scott ‘roleplays’ as a girl in specifically romantic/flirting contexts (tinder + speed dating) and how that could play jnto their dysphoria, but i also do just think they’re aroace. but there’s something there)

and no matter the intention of the jokes they’re still like. canon. (and i was gonna do a whole thing abt how scott the woz (the show) treats continuity basically being that. jokes + ‘throwaway lines’ establish canon things because they keep being brought back, and that lore is (with few exceptions) consistent. it’s fun. and meaning that these things are (assumedly) things scott thinks/does/how they act even off screen.)

and also i guess if im gonna talk abt trans scott i could At Least dedicate an entire paragraph to borderline forever because holy shit man. Before i rewatched a bunch of episodes this year, i of course had it in my head that borderline forever was totally trans coded but i sorta reasoned that that was my own headcanon clouding my perception and that it wouldnt be that blatant (<in quotes because im sure The Man Himself didnt intend for it to be read this way, but its fun to interpret it as such) but no it really is.

what do u mean theres been an unseen force in your life that’s always been there but you hadn’t noticed until you experienced internalized transphobia talked about something tangentially related, that’s now preventing you from living your life and doing the things you want to do. That isn’t directly harming you, and that other people can’t notice so they dismiss you. What do u mean.

Closing in is literally a song about how they can’t believe they’ve been living their life like this and how they feel like they’re suffocating from the idea of continuing to live like this. They saw the border glow. If you will (sorry.)

The ending of borderline forever is pretty… its… well i guess for me to really have definitive thoughts on it i would have to decide on what i think the allegory is because scott taking the border back serves different purposes for different ones, good and bad. In terms of the trans allegory, I initially considered that it was like him. Accepting transness as part of themselves and learning to live with it and move on from that (effectively transitioning just not. Outwardly (?)). Until my boyfriend (forced to watch every scott the woz lore episode for (for the most part) the first time with me) pointed out n. No it kinda just seems like they can’t imagine themselves as any different/better and thinks This Is As Good As It Gets so they retreat back to their status quo. And like. Huh. Yeah. 100% it’s still affecting them negatively and they hate it but they’re ignoring it now they saved the world and they never have to succumb to the horror of being understood and perceived i mean no one else has to worry abt this ever again.

like… two years ago i wrote a fic about nonbinary scott called Abiura Di Me (it’s never getting finished, i was originally gonna do a little comic to end things off but it felt kind of ehh. the only way i’m finishing it is if i completely start over. which who knows.) and, despite not rlly having this interpretation at the time, i did want to kind of explore scott like that, thinking they’re ‘content’ with their life now and wondering why they still feel unhappy/unfulfilled.

In general scott feels like a character that’s so… rigid and strict with their identity/attributes of themselves in a way that, often, makes them miserable, or at the very least in a way that they’re self deprecating abt like i said b4. (i.e. their virginity, and how it oscillates something they take pride in vs. something that they’re ashamed of (b4 accepting it in barrel blast)(youtuber slash tumblr user prim m, in description of their barrel blast mashup did a rlly interesting lil. few sentences of analysis abt this in particular!!), but is, to them at least, a key part of who they are that they have to keep asserting + how they talk abt themselves liking video games and how, similarly it oscillates between smthn that brings them a lot of joy and again, smthn that they’re ashamed of thats another reason they feel isolated, but is nonetheless. Probably THE defining thing about scott.)

And while this^ feels like a general internalized transphobia thing, it’s probably THE reason i think they’re nonbinary specifically, although i fuck with transfem scott severely. I really like the idea of scott unburdening themselves from any kind of labels and kinda just being happy Existing, it’s essentially what they already want/think they already have just with less expectation put upon them to perform. You could say. Preventing themselves from being put into a box or. Or yknow… some kind of blue borde-[i am killed.]

But anyway to answer your question trans scott is my lifeblood i love them a lot. I like… half joke their egg has been fully cracked now bc of the bits they’re pulling now (mainly. Changing their name in same name, different game and. all of gamer products.) (and side note even though i can glean Transness from any1 of these jokes and that… in a lot of cases scott Is the butt of the joke in them they don’t rlly feel meanspirited most of the time. whether thats bc im in denial ro theres smthn to it thats any1s guess. Tee hee.) i think they’re figuring stuff out and how they want to be perceived and if this is really something they want for themselves (is, but going abt it weirdly/making a joke of it and not taking it seriously (again, goes w the whole self deprecating rigid identity thing!!)

I don’t think scott changes much upon transitioning. Even though i think in the stw universe hrt/gender affirming surgery does… pretty much whatever you want it to and none of what you don’t want (i’m going off the… one ama where he said smthn along the lines of the stw universe is a perfect bubble where nothing bad happens + being able to get treated for murder + how i think scott the real person would think that kinda stuff works AHDNDIJDDJ and also cus i think its funny) i dont think scott would Want to change much physically. But i really like the idea of them keeping dyed blue bits framing their face (get it.) + slightly longer hair. and boobs cause i think thats awesome. personality wise they’re exactly the same and still suck though. But w/o shame and i love them

[ashtray-girl]

Sorry if i'm bothering you but i really wanted to rant abt Johnny and Moz and hear some of your thoughts about these two certain topics that i can't get out of my head:  

I find it incredibly weird that Johnny and Morrissey (as far as we know) never became friends again or never tried to reconcile their relationship after the breakup - like how do you go from being best friends and hanging out with each other 24/7 to "We haven’t known each other for 35 years - which is many lifetimes ago." as Morrissey said on that letter. The strangest part to me is that, since the break up and to this day both Johnny and Moz never hesitate to mention again and again how much their relationship meant to them in the band and how much they loved each other during that period of their lives - i mean the way they describe each other and the words that they use come straight up from a romance novel. Also the fact that Morrissey continued to write songs abt how much Johnny meant to him and like Johnny getting that swallow tattoo on his neck and other weird stuff like why care to mention each other so much and make everything so dramatic when you - as you claim - haven't known each other for a lifetime? And idk on a personal level if it would be me in their situation i would at some point try to fix whatever we had if we obv meant that much to each other after all these years.

In all honestly when i read abt Marrissey Johnny sometimes just comes off as someone who suffered (and maybe still does) from internalised homophobia, when you read the way Moz talks abt him in his lyrics it definitely gives off that vibe "Though she needs you More than she loves you " , "Love is natural and real But not for such as you and I" or "I am born to hang but not to have kids and to never be wed - no, to someone whom I don't even love" and that interview when Moz said that "That perhaps Johnny Marr was in fact madly in love with me, but didn't feel he could act on that - or that he didn't have the courage to ever take it any further?'" And i don't want to seem like i'm trying to bash Angie or anything but i find they way the got married pretty weird and almost rushed in way like would they even get married if Joe Moss hadn't insisted that they do? Even Andy thought it was weird "They got married in some evangelical church. It was pretty bizarre. There were only about 10 of us there, including the crew. The ceremony only lasted about 15 minutes. I was a witness. Afterwards they hired a function room in the hotel and we had champagne and a buffet. It was a nice day, but it was just weird. It didn't seem real. You know what it's like in America - everything's plastic and phoney. It just didn't seem like a proper wedding. No relatives were there."

Anyway sorry for the long rant!! I just wanted to say that i absolutely love your Marrissey ramblings, Have a nice day :)

Hi anon! don't worry you're not bothering me at all, i'm always down to talk abt marrissey haha i'll just have to reply w/2 separate parts bc there's so much i want to say lmao 1. i've been chatting to @loathsome-tonight abt this (comparing notes, so to speak) and both of us agree that the "no-contact" situation after The Smiths' breakup is essentially bullshit, and for quite a few reasons: - first of all, there's proof they were exchanging notes around the time Morrissey was recording Viva Hate - when Johnny Rogan first published his book Morrissey and Marr: The Severed Alliance Morrissey predictably wanted no part in it, and Johnny only got involved bc he felt pressured by the author getting a bit too close to his friends and family. however, once the book came out Johnny apparently felt compelled to call Morrissey and reassure him abt the extent and the reasons of his involvement - when Morrissey released The Last of the Famous International Playboys, Johnny apparently sent him a note to congratulate him on its success - if you've read Morrissey's Autobio, you'll know he sent Johnny a letter in 1992, to which Johnny replied telling him he was sorry for everything that happened and taking "full responsibility". they then met each other and went for a drive on the moors - after that meeting, their relationship seemed to improve. in a 1993 interview for Select, Johnny said: "the relationship between me and Morrissey is the best in the group, of the four of us. i still see him now. i called him last night. last time i saw him was a couple of days before he went to do his recent album. we let a bored media get the better of us, but there's always been a certain telepathy between us even when we didn't see each other. we played a game with the press and they played with us, but it's not true life. no, we're friends." - then, the trial happened. and that's when things went south again between them. being interviewed with Bernard Sumner for The Face in july 1996, and being asked if he and Morrissey were still friends, Johnny said: "not... (pregnant pause) not particularly... [...] if i'm too glib then people think i'm being disrespectful and if i'm too serious they think there's a reconciliation on the cards. i just don't have any feelings about it." except a month earlier, once again being interviewed with Bernard Sumner (for the NME this time) he was playing quite a different tune. asked if he was still in contact with Morrissey, he said: "occasionally. last time we met it was a really nice experience. it was really good to see him, especially since a... a feud that didn't really exist had become public property. and because of the relationship we had it was time to resolve it in private and do something ourselves because it was really quite a serious situation. i was tired of being involved in other people's games and i wanted to do something for us. [...] i know it's interesting for other people, but it's kinda private. i certainly don't wish him - or anyone i've worked with - ill. life's too short." whatever happened between them at that time, it seems like 1996 was quite a turbulent year for their relationship... - years after (seemingly) going their separate ways, in 2008, they met once again. this time in person, in a pub in Manchester. apparently they even talked abt a potential Smiths' reunion, but Johnny already had other engagements with The Cribs, so nothing was done abt it - in recent years, Johnny also mentioned exchanging emails with Morrissey so even tho i highly doubt they're still in contact now, there was definitely a time when they were on speaking terms, even after The Smiths broke up. however, it seems like their relationship was quite volatile and hot and cold, with them being fine one moment and being snarky the next. personally, i've found it surprising how none of the biographers/journos that wrote abt them directly challenged them on this, bc ultimately it's very easily disprovable.

[cosmicarcanist]

hii, asking here because i’m shy lol

i saw on twitter that you (and chër) have been working on psychonauts aus. i think the concept looks really cool so i was wondering if you could tell us a little about what you’ve been cooking !! love your work btw <33

oh thank you so much! yeah me and cher talk a lot abt intricate aus (and canon) so i can share some of my viktor stuff for the psychonauts au (under the cut its long)

viktor was originally an intern for the psychonauts! He mentored under sasha, and he has the special ability of like tech psychic powers (he can remotely control any tech w his mind, hes also adept in most other abilities except he cant read minds at ALL)

He met chuck (pre mundo) who was working security there and decided to help him try to awaken and stengthen his powers while also testing his own devices! Sasha (and otto) rly believe in him so his machines begin to be used by the psychonauts and hes being tracked to join them!

The other psychonauts tho are p worried abt some of the stuff he talks abt, some of his aspirations and ideas, theyre... concerning (unless ur otto). Sasha still vouches for and defends his pupil cause hes just misguided his hearts in the right place hes just very intense and passionate and ambitious but he can be put on the right path! Some stuff happens, a kid dies, viktor thinks its the perfect opportunity for him to test his robot he built that requires a brain (it was originally built for an adult brain but viktor saw a kid in need whose life was cut short and he decided to take the chance now). The psychonauts see this as an affront to humanity, that viktors trapped a child in a construct and turned them into a monster, that this is unethical and dangerous; viktor sees the psychonauts as wishy washy centrists that twiddle their thumbs rather than help a child by any means necessary.

he gets kicked out.

hes stripped of any accolades, any prospects, even his own inventions (they choose to keep and USE THEM). Sasha fought to keep him, otto genuinely thinks what he did is right and Cool, but hes deemed a danger so they kick him out. Sashas concerned what this will do to his pupils psyche and that this is a surefire way to create an enemy for the psychonauts and he was CORRECT

viktor goes and becomes a weird hermit in the woods, sets up a lab out there. He got separated from chuck and he cant go back to talk to him, but after a short while he founds out chuck left and thinks he just left of his own volition without saying anything. He has drones survey the woods as a means of security but also kind of to see if he ever finds chuck (his drones act as a sort of hive mind of which he controls and can see through). Blitz comes with him as his now adopted robot son (gender nonspecific). Theres quite a few things viktor can never forgive the psychonauts for but one of them is treating blitz as if theyre a monster and not a CHILD

fast forward quite a few years and chucks come back from the asylum, now as mundo, and escapes hq into the woods where viktors drones find him. Viktor being psychic and also chucks ex?? boyfriend recognizes him immediately and is horrified to find him transformed and not himself, so he takes him back to the lab and hooks him up to a machine that he can astral project his own cosciousness into mundos head

where he promptly gets trapped

YOU as the player have up till this point heard nothing but horrified whispers and terrible rumours about viktor. Hed been stripped of the records as the man that had invented much of their tech, but you hear enough to get the impression hes a deranged, dangerous monster that killed a child and put their brain into an unfeeling unthinking automaton to do his bidding, and that he lurks the woods looking for more victims. You start to hear other stories tho that may pique your curiosity, so you go looking for his lab and have to brace yourself for whatever dangerous psychic youll have to face

instead you find viktor and mundo hooked up to this machine unresponsive, and for god knows how long. To advance youd have to enter mundos mind to rescue a trapped viktor, who is very hostile to you as a stranger that has suddenly entered this space, and a trespasser, but because hes been lost in the labrynth of mundos mind for god knows how long, he will reluctantly work with you to get out.

(im sure youve seen chers description for mundos mind/level but the tldr is viktor just cant wrap his head around navigating it alone so its a bit of an escort mission except viktor cant die so hes kind of just tagging along. You get to see moments of chuck/mundo and moments and memories of viktor and how he responds to them until you get to the end and fight mundo as the boss and can unite chuck and mundo as one entity hereafter referred to as atlas)

once the two of you are spat out and atlas has come to, viktor will reluctantly offer his services to you for the rest of the game, where he acts as a kind of shop and upgrade system, but at this point its fairly limited and hes still pretty standoffish.

If you want to fully unlock him and get i guess the true ending for these two, youd have to do viktors level which is completely optional because its BRUTAL. Just a completely unnecessarily harsh difficulty spike.

Viktors mind/level is a hostile environment. When you first enter its just a void with a small matryoshka in a spotlight. As you approach some wacky camera shit zooms in to find you on the surface of the now giant matryoshka, and the environment remains extremely dark, only your immediate surroundings are lit, save for the odd flash of bright light that will only briefly light up your environment. This place is overrun with enemies that are already difficult enough to deal with while trying to navigate in the dark as you look for the way to advance. The matryoshka acts as a giant safe where each doll is another vault you have to unlock to step down into the next level (each doll is also modeled after another "mask" for viktor, the outermost being the terrifying machine herald youve come to associate him as).

The real kicker to his level, though, is you are being pursued by an unkillable, unrelenting, furious and desperate machine herald through the entire level. The further down you go, the closer you get to the center, the more desperate your pursuer becomes, and the more relentless. If he catches you you will get thrown out and have to start all over, and the layout and puzzles will change. Every single part of this level is doing everything in its power to keep you from getting to the center

once you DO though, maybe you expect some kinda final boss fight against that pursuer, but once you reach the center you just find... viktor. viktor the day he got kicked out, just younger, fully human, small and afraid and extremely upset. No boss fight, just talk to viktor and help put him on the path of healing from this moment!

after finishing viktors level you unlock his shop/upgrades fully! His demeanor also changes towards you where he still feels a lil standoffish and awkward, but hes a lot more receptive to you now. His lab has also taken on more of chucks qualities since now atlas and viktor are reunited and can live together :) viktor seems more relaxed finally, sometimes he even sleeps now! he still refuses to return to the psychonauts but hes less obsessed with revenge against them, he just kind of wants to start his life over now with atlas

arguably this is the HAPPIEST au for him, psychonauts is a lot abt healing and how its a process, itll never be perfect but its all abt trying and accepting help so he gets to heal a lil as a treat here :)

uhh sorry this was the tldr version i just like coming up with fake levels, gameplay, idle animations, dialogue etc etc so its fun to stick him in a world like this and see what stays the same and whats different

[anonzentimes]

LONG ASS ASK INKOMING ZEN so its super cold in brazil today so typing is a little hard and there might be weird typos fkshdkjd but

when i was like 14 i had online friends that were also 14 and were into danganronpa but all they talked abt was the flaws of the series and how much they hated the more problematic aspects of it, it was a constant wave of gender discourse and sexuality discourse and nagito is a bad portrayal of mental illnesses and miu iruma is too sexual and this character is bad cause of xyz and that character is bad because of this and that and honestly whatever the fuck else you can argue about this series about, whenever i mentioned that danganronpa seemed fun and id like to get into it my friends would tell me that its not worth it, that the series is fucking horrid that i should run the other way and be glad i never entered the hellhole that is being a danganronpa fan

so thanks to this and like constant fucking weird shit coming out of the hell hole that is the fucking dr fandom on Twitter for like, four whole years I straight up didn't touch the series. a series that I was so fully aware that I would love btw, because i was always into gorey art and i found the art of dr so pretty and the characters had such intresting designs and the pink blood was so cool and i love the killing game genre and the mystery solving aspect, of danganronpa seemed so cool, i did not go near this series with a fucking 10-ft Pole

until literally maybe some months ago at 18 years old a streamer I like said on stream something like "oh yeah danganronpa is fucking awesome im so glad i played it" and I was like fuck it, this guy has high standards, if he likes it it cant be that bad. and so I downloaded trigger happy havoc and i was so pleasantly surprised by it, sure case 2 is a case that exists but like other than that i immediately fell in love with this franchise, i loved almost everything about the game, then i started sdr2 and nagito took over every single part of my brain within 0.2 seconds of gameplay AND DR2 IS SO PEAK JUST IN GENERAL udg was super fucking fun i love touko and komarus relationship and the warriors of hope so much, dr3 was awsome even if i didnt really care for future arc despair hope and 2.5 were awasome the end of drv3 hit me like a truck and it genuenly took me a couple hours to understand that my beloved class 77b wasnt just retconned out of existence and currently im trying to kill executive dysfunction and procrastination and read dr0 and again want to replay dr2 cause my hyperfixated ass would rather play the game when she should be alseep to know what happens next than play it when she isn't too tired to understand whats happening lmao

and after i was done with the series i sat down and thought about how i let 14 year olds on the internet who im not even friends with anymore keep me away from something that now i hold so dear and close to my heart, and i wonder how many people who would love danganronpa will never give the series a chance because not only does the wider interner find it cringe but the fandom constantly tell potential new fans to stay away and act like its the worst midea ever written, the way some people are unable to enjoy what they love without guilt is so sad because not only does it affect them but also others

and this is super personal but i wonder how danganronpa would have impacted me if i got into it back when i found out about it at 14, how much different having danganronpa to hang on to would have made my life when i was burning out at school because i was trying to survive neurodivergency hell with undiagnosed autism and possible adhd

dangabronpa is awsome i love it so so much

YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL SO UNBELIEVABLY YOUNG OH MY GOD. I HEARD ABOUT DANGANRONPA WHEN I WAS 11 I'M PRETTY SURE AHHHH HAHA!!! Overall I think this raises a good lesson that we should trust our guts and from our own opinions on media. Look into things you're curious about, learn if it's worth it yourself, and come to your own conclusions! I feel bad for those who never get to understand Nagito Komaeda, let alone know he exists. This franchise has some negatives but the positives outweigh the issues entirely to me and I wish people gave it more of a chance. dangabronpa is awsome INDEED lmfao.

[misarem]

Umineko Episode 6 Thoughts or Where I Actually Lock In

Okay so im cursing myself at how long its been since the last one. After making it thru ep 6 i got to the end not feeling that.. elucidated on the whole thing even tho everyone says ep 6 is like the final stop biggest hint youre going to get on this mystery. Which genuinely left me feeling kinda sad and a bit stupid lmao. I could not tell what I wasn’t getting and the phrase “without love, it cannot be seen” being waved in front of my face did not help like I was being TAUNTED. To the point where I found groups that were into the game and actually talked through my ideas, refined my thoughts, looked back on many MANY parts of the story and slowly I’ve come to a conclusion I’m actually sorta confident in. So! After so long i think its time for me to take my sherlock hat off and just keep going with this game. But not before my little journal on this absolutely ridiculous but amazing episode. Spoilers below for the episode itself and what i think the answer to the central mystery of the entire game is which I will be immediately going into before talking abt some other points as well as Erika again because I'm contractually obligated to. this will be a longer one

So after everything. After butting my head against the wall every time Zepar and Furfur told me without love it can’t be seen. After pouring over text LPs and reading this episode twice and having people help refine my thoughts. What I think happened was. 1967. November 29th. A baby is born on Rokkenjima and taken in by Kinzo Ushiromiya, still deep in his mourning of the Golden Witch Beatrice. As this baby grows up, Kinzo shapes their identity under his upbringing and they grow up with a very stunted sense of self. EIther as some sort of disguise or to give themselves more fulfillment, they assume the identity of a young maid named Shannon and a younger servant named Kanon. This helps them navigate their life on Rokkenjima fine until the larger Ushiromiya family enters the picture, specifically Battler, Jessica and George, whose love for them begins to pull their identity apart. After a conversation with a 12 year old Battler about the kind of woman he likes, and getting even closer with George and Jessica in the years after, this person is at a crossroads on whos wishes get to be fulfilled: Shannon’s, Kanon’s, or Beatrice’s, and this all comes to a head on October 4th, 1986, where they facilitate a series of murders as an internal competition and as a demonstration to the person who affected them the most: Battler Ushiromiya.

….I THINK. I didn’t have the epiphany I thought I would have, more like a slow slow realization when I began to piece together the early-suggested possibility that Shannon was behind the appearances of Beatrice that Maria sees, the weird status of Kanon’s body at the end of almost every twilight, how Kanon had to bail Battler out in the first place, and the Love Duel itself, Shannon, Kanon and Beatrice all being on equal footing within it, and why Shannon and Kanon’s (and Beatrice’s) love had to be mutually exclusive in the first place. Plus more little details like the 19 paces coinciding with the perceived 19 people on the island (family + Beato) and the 19 years since the master of the game had been born, the narration and several characters like Featherine saying that the solution to the previous question or to the logic error could be the key to the whole mystery and is a part of Beato’s heart (her identity). George’s reminiscence of Battler and Shannon as a 12 year old with Beato’s own reminiscence of it coinciding with it. The fact that Battler has literally never seen Kanon and Shannon in the same room and the mystery of how Battler saw Beatrice after the murders of the fourth game. But I think that Shannon, Kanon, and Beatrice are all identities of one person, the 16th person after subtracting Kinzo, Kanon and Shannon from the initial 18, and that their disguises and faked deaths are the key to solving not just the logic error room, but the entire game and magic as a whole. Granted I don’t have *everything* figured out with this yet but I feel like I have my foot in the door finally.

Just starting with the logic error room, we know that Erika and Kanon entered and Batler left, the chain was reset when Erika entered, yet by the end of Erika’s search, Kanon was nowhere in the guestroom. Airtight locked room murder, practically no way to get out of this one, at least through the door. And for good measure, Hideyoshi, George, Nanjo, Kumasawa and Shanon are in the next room over while *everyone else* is in the cousins’ room, and during the escape, the seals to the doors of these rooms are intact. Genuinely the only in that I had on this one at first was the “everyone else” wording with Kanon’s status as furniture as my teeny little screwdriver I was trying to pry this thing open with. Of course the furniture thing is mostly a metaphor for the crested servants’ character arcs, and Genji is considered a person who would be included as “everyone else” but it was a start. Incidentally, my attempts before this episode had me reassessing the idea that Shannon could have disguised herself as Beatrice for Maria from the earlier episodes, and it was like I needed something to bridge these two ideas. And the fact of Kanon coming to save Battler being confirmed in red makes it seem useless to try to figure out how he got out of the cousins' room, but figuring that out was an important first step to my reasoning, as it helped me begin forming the idea that, somehow, to have been out of the cousin’s room, he would have had to be somehow less than one, to not be his own person, to not be included in “everyone else”. And taking this to the guestroom, it eventually dawned on me that, if *he* wasn’t his own person, and his love for Jessica couldn’t exist if Shannon was going to be with George, then maybe these two got in the way of each other because they were the same person, and if this was true, Kanon could escape the guestroom by discarding the disguised and identity of ‘Kanon’, removing him from the guestroom, since it was never specified that nobody was in there, only that Kanon wasn’t. ‘Shannon’ in the next room over could have gotten out through the window, since the status of the seals on the window is a hole that is pointed out in the episode, but Dlanor forbids it from being used, I think because bringing it up without solving Kanon’s identity would be solving the mystery incorrectly or at least out of order.

From here, you can take this to many of the other murders in Question arcs. I think I pointed out that Shannon’s body was hidden from George by Hideyoshi in episode 1, but rereading made me realize that not only had Battler not properly seen it either, but if Kanon was at the scene too, following my theory, the body could not have been Shannon’s. Whose it was I’m not sure. If Kumasawa got into her closet for this that would be funny. If they had a body prepared then sure. But this in conjunction with Kanon’s death not being seen by Battler later leaves this person without the identity of Shannon OR Kanon, free to run around the mansion murdering as they please. Even better if they are prepared to disguise as Beatrice as well, as this would have allowed them to have Maria turn around so they could kill Genji, Nanjo, and Kumasawa without harming her, and when the 4 others would come in and investigate, this person would slip out and kill Natsuhi. For Eva and Hideyoshi, since it was Kanon (and Genji who came upon the crime scene), I think it’s possible that the chain being locked was a lie on Genji and Kanon’s part.

As we know in Episode 2, Kanon’s corpse disappears after his death to the confusion of almost everyone, but this is because the body, as Shannon, is in Kinzo’s study “informing him of the murders” which after learning of Kinzo’s pre-game death means she can be doing whatever she wants. Since Kanon never shows up again, she operates as she needs to until she dies with George and Gohda. I think Shannon struggled with killing both of them. It seemed like there was a genuine struggle to even get the door open and overpower George and Gohda, so her and George could have killed each other, or she kills herself after killing George in mourning, because the final twilight is complete, or because she believes Genji or Rosa will take care of the rest. If Shannon was alive, Rosa stopping Battler from disturbing the body and then chasing everyone out would work for that, but Battler also witnesses like, the viscera of her head spilling out of the hole in it, which could constitute as a body check..? Maybe there’s some fuckery with how this Shannon looks to us and to the people inside the story, and that’s how she bypasses Battler’s body check? idk this one isn’t so solid but Kanon’s missing body is so damning to me. Battler does see Beato and Kinzo at the end and this could have been the culprit as Beato. Battler doesn’t get a good look at her and only sees Kinzo’s back as well. And the magic stuff at the end of every episode in my interpretation is Battler having died and the anti-magic, objective perspective being removed. So idk still working on that one lmao

The biggest thing for Episode 3 is the locked room chain, and having two of the servants being assumed identities really helps. Kanon’s body is ‘found’ in the chapel, a very remote part of the island, so his body is hard to confirm. On the other hand, Shannon is ‘found’ in the parlor, the easiest room to operate from and one that the adults were likely to break the locked room status of by shattering the window. Because Battler sees none of these bodies, the true nature of Shannon and Kanon's status is never confirmed, and it can be assumed that the culprit, having (momentarily) discarded Kanon and Shannon, once again has free reign over the mansion. This comes into play after Eva’s murders take the group into the mansion, starting with Rosa and Maria’s deaths as its unlikely the culprit would kill Maria this early. Kyrie kills Hideyoshi here, briefly surviving a shot to the stomach and either trying to hit Eva or retaliating against her where it would hurt (unwittingly damning her own daughter so yknow that’s not horrible at all). Back when I was a Kyrietrice truther (how I miss those days) I thought she survived much longer and killed George and Nanjo, but it turns out Battler checking her corpse in the metaworld means that Battler confirmed her death in the game too so bleh. But I think the culprit killed George and laid him in the parlor, possibly leading him in as Shannon. From here I think she writes the 8 digit code, plays dead as the survivors come in and while they’re distracted (Eva, Jessica and Nanjo are caught up in a fight while Battler overtly is checked out of the situation, not looking closely at the corpses at all), she sneaks out, only to be caught and shot at by Eva, which is what blinds Jessica. The shot isn’t immediately fatal but ‘Shannon’ is bleeding out fast and before she dies, she finds and kills Nanjo, “revives” Kanon, as Beatrice puts it, and leads Jessica out to where they will rest for the remainder of the game.

Chapter 4 is weird, it feels impossible to substantiate anything concrete when the whole island is a huge catbox to Battler, cooped up in the guest house, until after almost all of the murders are committed. WIth Shannon/Kanon in the dining hall with everyone, the best I can work out right now is the first six are shot down by them, the rest escape but are killed as well, at some point in between the 8th and 10th killings, ‘Kanon’ is discarded, making him the ‘9th death’, George and Jessica are killed, not before Jessica sees the dead bodies, is chased to her room and works out that if she gets caught, she’ll probably end up like the rest of them, which she tells Battler. At some point, Kyrie manages to get to a phone and call Battler before being killed. The most concrete thing I can deduce is that the hostage group was potentially never in the dungeon, the status of the dungeon’s existence in that space being up in the air, Kanon’s body is not at the bottom of the well that Battler cannot access, when Beatrice shows up to Battler at the end of the 4th and is spurned by Battler not remembering his sin, she finds a way to die as Shannon and be found.

Very hazy still obviously but idk how else Kanon escapes. Honestly "these clues and circumstances make one body unaccounted for so they can go do whatever" feels sorta cheap which makes me second guess all of this, obv theres some tricks to the locked rooms themselves still but I didn't anticipate that one possible theory would clear up so much. And I don't know why Jessica and George are killed either, sure their love is complicated for a reason but it makes me curious what conditions the culprit has to put themselves in to be able to kill them. This also relies on the cooperation of some adults and Nanjo. Even tho I believe he’s nice I think Nanjo isn’t difficult considering he lies about Kinzo’s death for so long, and I feel like it wouldn’t be.. too hard to get any of the adults in on it if related to the inheritance? They do all need a lot of money right now. I still think some of Eva and Hideyoshi’s ep 1 behaviors are suspicious and it would be really funny and interesting if Kyrie was fuckin shit up. To me. 

Overall if this is what the twist is, I think it's neat since Kanon and Shannon have been among my favorites from the beginning and the idea of them being so closely tied to the thematic core of the story is exciting. My idea of magic is so heavily informed by Ange’s story, it makes me wonder, since the Beato we saw in 67 seemed to live in a great deal of emotional neglect, neglect of her own self rather than of “Beatrice” (probably her mother lol), if this culprit is the same in that she was born from Kinzo and a Beato, likely the 67 one, and their personhood was ignored for the sake of Kinzo having Beato again, maybe “Shannon” and “Kanon” are similar to how Maria summons Sakutaro or Ange summons the sisters, and she summons the servants as a way of enriching her sense of self? Would be sort of interesting but it also feels like its crossing over into like DID territory and after playing like 2 danganronpa games worth of poorly handled stuff like that I dont know. I do kinda feel sad for Jessica not really getting to be with Kanon. They constantly get the short end of the stick, obviously because their love hasn’t developed like George and Shannon’s did over the past few years or even how Battler and Beatrice’s did over the past 5 games, but their love is so full of potential, and I love both of them so much. I’d love to just see them happy together but its not Jessica’s fate sadly lmao.

If we’re to believe that it was Battler’s sin that influenced all of this, I do find it to be really interesting how Battler tends to parallel Kinzo, as another extension of the idea that Kinzo keeps this very harrowing grip on all aspects of Beatrice’s/the culprit’s life. That Battler echos Kinzo’s yearning for the old Beatrice isn’t even solely tragic for Battler’s situation, it also has a lot of terrible implications for what we haven’t seen of Kinzo yet, if Battler’s projection of Beatrice as his former lover onto a girl who sees him as her father is any indication of what Kinzo was like. At the very least, I still love Battler and I think he differs from Kinzo by holding onto the love he had for his family. Even after six games, he’s still just as disgusted at the murders, especially so here, and the portrayal of the mothers of the Ushiromiya family in Battler’s game shows that Battler’s capable of a great deal of reflection and understanding, something that’s hard to believe Kinzo was ever willing to offer. For the sin itself it feels like it’s between Battler being like his grandfather, him neglecting the culprit in some way or him denying magic to her and by extension, her way of like and her worldview, like what we saw with young Ange and Maria.

My last thought on this theory is that it makes so much of the love game in ep6, specifically Zepar and Furfur’s commentary, incredibly funny with how on the nose it is, and shifting from the perspective of the elder Beato who doesn’t get it to that of Kanon and Shannon who are painfully aware, is very eye opening to how heavy handed their dialogue is. Yet another moment of the writers desperately trying to guide you to the heart of the mystery which is comforting as a staple of this whole story. 

Looking back at the last post, it is funny how little I had to say about Erika Furudo then. She’s like my second favorite character now, as horrible as she is, and everything she does is in line with how she acted in ep5 (with one caveat we’ll get to), but just way more severe and like mask off about her cold-hearted rejection of emotional truths and desire for complete domination and control of what is accepted as the objective truth which is. very entertaining! Obviously saying a ton about the more clinical, quote unquote “intellectual” camps of mystery readers and writers and about how objective truth really is, which is all incredibly important to understanding the overall mystery, almost like a what not to do when playing Umineko.

But just focusing on Erika herself, she just feels so steeped in every detective trope you’ve ever heard of, and in a story that takes the time to build such nuanced dynamics and relationships between characters, the way she operates can be so two-dimensional it’s actually delightful to watch. Even when she’s given a backstory, it almost feels pre-packaged and thrown in to hastily give her depth and personal relation to truth on a conceptual level, as she is a detective, altho I don’t know if it’s completely hollow. Her back and forth with Dlanor is neat and her final response to it is an early tell that her refusal to recognize the emotions behind people’s truths is a fatal flaw of hers, probably caused by her falling out with her boyfriend. And with the whole game trusting you to see the emotions in everything and to not be cold and clinical in your assessment of the story, I can’t wholly believe she’s completely flat as a character, altho the commentary is still very unsubtle so idk fully. It’s not like bullshit characters can’t be meaningful, and I think there is a level of tragedy in the way she was fashioned on the game board as Bernkastel’s piece, trapped in the position of servitude to Bern, constantly emulating her callousness and seeking her approval, as if she’s like an author insert begging not to be removed by the author herself. 

Like I said, she exhibits almost all the same behaviors she did in the last episode, just more brutally here. It’s almost like after failing to beat Battler at the end of episode 5, she’s trying to prove with everything she has that she really is a completely deplorable person, which she does when she fucking kills 5 people in what was supposed to be a non-tragic game, and she does this using the one thing that makes her different from last time: her lack of detective authority. Not only is is a cool trick that runs alongside her casting off the image of a noble seeker of the truth so she can debase herself in order to chase down a more twisted conclusion, it speaks a lot to her own capabilities that even without the privileges of a detective in a classic mystery story, she’s still able to bend the Ushiromiya family to her will and think miles ahead of Battler, making her all the more terrifying. Another thing that makes her different here is that she’s not just trying to solve the murders anymore, she is actively trying to catch Battler in a logic error, trapping him in the broken rules of his own game forever, and once she convinces him to give her seals to a few of the rooms, she does this incredibly easily, guiding Battler to his own damnation in what is, in my opinion, the best battle between the human side and witch side in the entire game thus far. It is absolutely fucking insane the lengths Erika goes to in order to completely destroy Battler. Her command of the game from the very start as if she had planned every mode both of them were going to make is just diabolical and after being a bit desensitized after the past 5 chapters of killings, her BEHEADING five people including a mom in front of her 9 year old daughter just to fuck up Battler’s game genuinely made me sick. And this is all heightened by how well written, translated, and voiced Erika is throughout the entire chapter. Before I got into Umineko, I’d seen videos of the <OH VERY GOOD> scene completely out of context, and slowly I was drawn into wanting to play the game by the voice acting, the incredible music and tantalizingly rich atmosphere that I would have readily indulged in a full game of. But knowing the context of the scene now, how it acts as the final nail in the coffin of Battler and as the peak of Erika’s twisted level of ecstasy as she gleefully destroys this family, not just for domination of the truth but for the joy of revenge against Battler for denying her that ecstasy in the last game. It is just such an incredibly gripping stretch of scenes so fucking good oh my god.

All of this leads to the wedding of Erika and Battler, which really is the most deplorable action of Erika’s in this whole episode. Just the most disgusting subtext going on here that if you’ve read the novel I don’t even have to spell out. Just the depths she plummets to so she can exercise complete control over Battler. In stark contrast to the way Beatrice let Battler into her game, granting him the tools to understand her and to shed light on the mystery of her existence, finally granting her fulfillment, Erika is an intruder into Battler’s game in every sense of the word, and it’s Bern that created this monster in the first place to further toy with the lives of the Ushiromiya family, not completely different from how it was Kinzo's upbringing that made the adults of the Ushiromiya family who they were, leading to how theyr raised their own kids. Luckily Beatrice is the one who steps in at the last moment to save Battler here, exposing the one thing Erika cannot control: the emotions that are inherent to the facts of the murders. She cannot fathom that the solution to the murder isn’t some one million iq 4D chess move of Beatrice's and after an epiphany about the nature of multiple truths that not only feels kinda fake but is something Battler had come to 3 whole episodes ago with Virgilia and the Braun tubes, Beatrice and Battler’s final red truth shoots her down. Troll officially slayed don't be like Erika Furudo kids. Also there’s only 16 people on the island now! Hopefully you paid attention to Zepar and Furfur earlier. It is actually a funny wink wink nudge nudge that Beatrice entering the chapel to save Battler from the marriage runs parallel to Kanon entering the guest room. As if Ryukishi isnt already on his hands and knees tears in his eyes screaming and begging and groveling for the reader to understand whats going on here.

But yea Erika is a fascinating case study on the nature of truth, its objectivity and how it should be pursued. “True” does not always equal “right”, and the pursuit of objectivity can do immeasurable and irrevocable harm to innocent people just trying to find happiness in their own lives. I didn’t even mention her beefing with a literal 9 year old over a beginner magic trick, but it's clear here that her values run opposite to the games and the writers have a very very fun time criticizing those values through her. I learned this from a YouTube comment but apparently in some WTC bonus material, Rika from Higurashi mentions deep sea fish as omens of misfortune, which absolutely evokes the image of Erika washing up on the shores of Rokkenjima, foreshadowing the ensuing disaster. But after everything, as astute as she is as a riddle solver, she really has not even gotten out of the shallow end in terms of what the heart of a mystery really is, how trauma makes people act and why people are even driven to do the things that they do, ultimately looking like a fish out of water against this very magical setting. Get it like solitary deep sea fish honk honk

Other thoughts. I’m so happy to see Ange again! If the meta aspects of this story weren’t obvious enough, her and Hachijo/Featherine have the most overt reader/author relationship, and it’s funny how Ange’s risen to Battler’s status of reader insert but in a different way. Battler and Beatrice have a combative, opposing relationship but the way she presents the murders to Battler and beckons him to figure them out very much reflects the writers’ desire for the reader to recognize their fiction. On the outside, it seems tricky but is actually very nurturing. Now, this late in the story, Ange and Featherine have a much more outwardly respectful relationship, likened to a miko and her guardian, although there is a little seedling of toughness that Featherine seems to hold for Ange, probably because of the latter’s stubbornness about some aspects of the story, with Ange also harboring contempt for Featherine sensationalizing her trauma with the message bottles. Funny inversion with Battler and I like the continued commentary on true crime. I also think Ange’s pursuit of the truth and trouble with emotions as Featherine’s reader slightly echoes Bern’s other piece, Erika, although to a much, and I cannot stress that Ange is not anywhere near as flawed as Erika, MUCH lesser extent, and Ange clearly has a higher chance of actually coming to an understanding at the end of the episode, plus its more understanding of Ange to want some power over the narrative as someone whose life was nearly ruined by it, rather than a piece who was just dropped in without any other relation to the Ushiromiya’s, despite being at the mercy of her master. Hate M Zakky guy plotting to kill her at the end altho I figured he sniped those Sumadera henchmen for her earlier and its not surprising but. le sigh

And because you know I have to always bring up Kyrie. That scene with her and Jessica was. Amazing. When Jessica's eyes glazed over and prison strip started playing I lost my mind. Genuinely such a compelling backstory for Kyrie and I love Jessica’s challenge to it, and her finishing line that, as much as Kyrie has been both empowered and terrorized by her jealousy, it does not make her a noble person, and this idea that trauma doesn’t automatically make you virtuous, I believe, will probably be very pertinent to the ultimate mysteries of the story. Besides that, one detail I caught is Kyrie talking about having worked up the nerve to kill Asumu over many many years, and she calls it a miracle that some other force took her the moment that she would have. Earlier this episode, and it’s been echoed in the previous ones, Featherine mentions that magic, as something limited by human ability, is the power to follow through with or get away with it. It really makes me think that. Kyrie could have just. Killed Asumu and is using magic to exonerate herself fdsfdsfds. I mean I’m always biased to my idea of murderer bastard Kyrie and the mountain of circumstantial evidence I thought I had with that and I do think its really funny!!! That she’s the only adult who seems to know how to handle the WInchesters well enough to do it one handed in her cg AND her portrait (og and pachinko not ps3). But hey idk. Every time she makes that closed eyes open mouth portrait it makes me think that she might not be any more savvy than the other adults about whats going on so

Overall probably my favorite episode so far! It's like 6 > 4 = 3 > 1 = 2= 5. Similar to 4, it's not consistently the strongest but it has some of the highest highs and that's really what makes a piece of writing for me sometimes. And now that I'm on the cusp of the answers of the """answer""" arcs, I'm very excited for my personal documentation of my experiences with the game to pay off

[dubacheryking]

It seems like you really like the IT book( it 1986), so do you remember Eddie Corcoran’s story from chapter 6. Because like his chapter is for real one of the most heartbreaking chapters in the whole book and he’s like so underrated for no reason. Soooo like what’s your opinions on him and other little interesting thing like that lol.

:)

oh my GOG tbh i think eddie corcoran's death is straight up the most horrifying part of the book. like if u put a gun to my head and said "what part of IT 86 do u find the most stomach churning" THATS IT RIGHT THERE. no one ever really talks abt it by 90% of the fandom on here is movie based and they dont FUCKING include it for some godawful reason (i can understand the 1990 ver not including it specifically for censorship reasons, since it was the 90s and also made for tv and ALSO cut to 3hrs lol) but like. the fact that it wasnt in the movies is criminal tbh.

but i digress.

as for opinions and such regarding the corcoran boy.... i mean, we get next to nothing abt him. what we know is a) his stepdad is an abusive piece of shit b) he had a younger brother that he seemingly cared about deeply (SOBS) c) his pos stepdad killed his baby brother (LIKE ACTUAL BABY. A 4YO???? FR????) d) his death was horrific. theres a little bit more but but but i havent reread that chapter recently so some of it is certainly escaping me. i wish there was more about him as an actual person, but i also understand that w the book already being a billion pages long there is only so much small details that could actually be included, and the history of derry and main story obvs will trump this specific smaller story--but like, fr, i want to know more abt eddie. we know he was terrified of the thing from the black lagoon (fair) and obvs holds a lot of fear and anger and guilt regarding dorsey's death, we know hes abused, we know how he dies. its a weird paradox of being very close to this character (in terms of his pov at the time, being in his head and all just like w any of the main losers) and being extremely removed (we know nothing abt his internal life beyond what his abuse brings out). which. frankly it's somewhat genius bc, yeah, abuse DOES tend to stifle the actual personality/interests of the person being abused and DOES like literally fuck w the brain chemistry and processessing of a child (source: happened to me lolololol), but its also heartbreaking that all we know him as is One of The Missing. he can never be more. its fucked.

soooo . this got away from me. sorry if it makes little to no sense ill just do a small bit on my thoughts summarized HERE:

i wholeheartedly agree that eddie corcoran's death is like. the worst part of the story. listening to it makes me legit sick to my stomach in a way NO OTHER PART OF THE BOOK DOES. LEGIT. and i think the main reason for that is while cosmic horror space clown spider thing is fake, duh, and more obviously used as a stand in for trauma and specifically for childhood trauma and the lasting effects that it has on our psyche, eddie's death is REAL. dorsey's death is REAL. we see, in grusome, up close detail, the actual consequences of abuse and how it destroys people's lives--specifically children's. we see how the complacency of those around such families (eddie's mom, the teachers, the principal, the town of derry at large) contributes to the horrific mistreatment of the most vulnerable, and how NONE OF THEM suffer any consequences for their lack of action. the section ends with eddie's mother getting access to his savings, which amount to less than 20$. to do so, she has to have him legally declared dead, EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOT HAVE A BODY. AND THAT'S FUCKED. SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO MAKE SURE HE'S FUCKING DEAD BEFORE SHE DOES THIS, DOESN'T WANT THE CLOSURE, DOESN'T WANT TO LAY HIM TO REST, DOESN'T WANT A PLACE TO VISIT. I CAN'T. like obviously we see themes of abuse and neglect in the whole book, that's the whole point, but eddie's story is different. there is no winning. there is no escape. you can't spin it into a better life.

he's a kid, just like any of the losers, but to the universe, he's not 'special,' so his death doesn't matter. he could have been swapped in with any of the other characters--fuck, he literally shares the name of one of them!! and yet he's not, and because of that, he doesn't matter. his death effects no one. the only positive is that it reopens dorsey's case, and even then, the reopening of his brother's death almost entirely sweeps eddie under the rug. the town of derry turns away, and when the truth of dorsey corcoran's death is revealed, the shrug, go so very sad, and wipe their hands of it. just another child death at the hands of an adult monster, just another day.