#and its been eating away at me for like a year bc im normal im a normal person yes

[dizzybizz]

Bronseele... If you wish....

y'know what. i DO wish

[isa-ah]

for people who have anxiety but live alone anyway: how do u deal with the panic? I live with 2 other people and still have bubble burst moments of random fear that only gets soothed by putting myself in someone else's eyeline. what do you do when the catastrophising starts???

[darkosomatsuconfessions]

hi. i run a decently popular ososan blog (well, it's a bit dead nowadays, but still), and i've been pretty vocally anti-blmatsu for its entire run. i've been diligent in keeping every post free of any of it, and that's not going to change anytime soon, for the sake of that blog's remaining follower base who rely on it being a safe space away from the proshipping, but...

well... i just made a blmatsu sideblog. and i've been feeling a lot of conflicting feelings about it and about my personal sense of morality considering my previously strong stance against it.

something simultaneously really funny and really sad to me is that i actually still don't ship or support incest shipping in any other fandom. (i've never supported harassment over any kind of shipping though. so idk if i count as an anti or more of a neutral party with a strong opinion? well i guess none of that matters now bc here i am, shipping blmatsu lmfao)

i still find incest to be morally wrong, but my hypocrite ass just... eats blmatsu up for breakfast lunch and dinner. i'm tired of fronting like i don't. how do i reconcile these conflicting beliefs? how can i be an anti and ship it at the same time? GOOD QUESTION, UHHH, LEMME GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT ONE IN LIKE... NEVER YEARS

i'm gonna put my inner conflict in a bottle and try really hard not to think about it <3

i've wrestled with myself about this for a while actually— i used to have another blmatsu blog, way back in the peak of the fandom, that i deleted out of guilt shortly before making my current main and taking my opposed stance to it. part of me still feels like an awful person for "sliding backwards" and taking part in something i previously thought i was "over".

i really don't even have a good defense for it, if im honest, so i won't even try. i've heard every argument against it because i used to make them. in the end, it just feels right to me that the only ones desperate enough to get with these losers are... these losers.

i could never ever endorse irl incest because i'm a victim of it, and i feel like that alone should have ensured i would never touch blmatsu!! it adds heaps to my guilt about all this, because i feel like in a way i could be failing my fellow victims... but seeing blmatsu art makes me just as happy as seeing platonic art of them does. i just keep coming back to it no matter how hard i try to repress it. it's practically unavoidable around here anyways, sooo...

sooo. i'm done repressing! if that makes me a bad person, then i'll see you in hell. oh yeah, and if you like karamatsu ships you should come follow me at todokaras on tumblr <3 (no, i'm not THAT todokaras, i just stole their name)

TL;DR: I run a blmatsu blog and an anti-blmatsu blog at the same time and i feel pretty guilty about it. oh the thrill of a double life

Congrats! It’s actually pretty common for antis to secretly like « problematic » things, because puritanism inherently goes against normal human behavior such as kinks and catharsis. It’s sad that we have to hide to avoid abuse and harassment, but that’s how it is for now.

Anyway, going against the shame a cult has pushed into you must be hard, but it’s great that you’re taking that first step to understand and express yourself free of shame!

I also feel honored that you came to my page to confess this ^^

[qprpbj]

i'm back again hello hi im gonna rant nonsense about runaway au

when you say mid 20s trans dude i picture trevor from shameless for some reason 😭 and i fucking love the drag queen kinda being a guide for them sometimes (that's what im getting out of this) and just popping up whenever and if i say who this drag queen reminds me of in my head i'll get BURNED ALIVE

okok i love the idea that pony bleaches his hair and steals a bunch of his brothers clothes i can totally see that!!!! that's so ponyboy. i love that he's free to do whatever he wants (mostly). and johnny, he's probably already comfortable how he is, yeah. i don't think he's that big on change... i LOOOVE transmasc ponyboy hes me

oh, and names for the group, they'd probably have the weirdest freaking names or the stupidest nickname you've ever heard of (ponyboy and johnny think its cool af though) THAT'S WHAT I THINK THOUGH i see a vision in my head idk how to explain it

and i get the not all hanging out thing, they kinda just see each other randomly

if u can't tell im loving this au so much god help us all im gonna go insane

brooooo i need you to tell me who this drag queen is ur thinking of. i won’t even answer it if u want im just nosy as hell. also i’ve never seen shameless but im ctfu at how that’s the same token trans dude in the fosters LOLL

look. he loves his big brothers esp soda. but without the events of the outsiders actually happening, he’d have never had to have had a reason to get over his beef w darry and they would’ve just been driven further and further apart bc there’d have been no reason for any sort of emotional connection there. so by the time it’s been like 3-4 years of darry’s caretaking pony’s tired of it and is frankly just. idk soda just isn’t enough to keep him around anymore (even if he does really miss him when he runs away!!!). i think he sends back a few unlabelled postcards to soda when he’s settled down a couple months later telling him he’s safe and happy where he is but that he’s not ready for them to know where he is yet - but that he’ll get there and he does miss home, just that he needed to leave. some months or a year or however long later he finally does out a return address on it and u best believe soda is there on the next mf train

then of course. gets to meet ponyboy for the first time. his little brother. in one of darry’s old flannels and tattered blue jeans and bleach non-toned blond hair no longer than like an inch and stubble on his face and his voice is so low. and it’s like pony’s finally grown into himself, looks so happy, lit up in a way soda had neverrrrr seen his little sister before, but now its allllll making sense

yeah they def all have fucked up weird goofy ass names and ponyboy fits Right In. in fact johnnys probably the odd ball for having such a normal basic name in this group LOL

i’m so glad you love it i’m fr eating this uppppp

[figula]

started off today feeling v depressed and crying but ending it feeling a bit better. watched lotr 2 with ana, paused it to do happy new year!s and then went back to it

the past two days ive had really inexplicable tongue pain that makes eating a total nightmare!! not just eating - drinking is actually worse somehow and it is fucking me off, i hope it goes away soon. it's not actually my throat but it's like the back of my tongue near my ear and swallowing hurts that entire area!!! ive either bitten it in my sleep or have a weird ulcer like underneath it/rubbing against my jaw or something. anyway it's really nasty, yesterday the only reason i ate my dinner was bc it had been so expensive that i physically couldnt make myself throw it out. also talking hurts with certain tongue movements so im not having a great time w/ it ??? i *think* its better than it was yesterday but it's still bad enough that im wincing every time i have to eat or drink (normal swallowing not painful. which again idk what that means)

in other news earlier ana said i am "tricksy", and i was like, what have i done lately that you can say that? and they were like "i dont know you just do weird stuff secretly" :( literally true

[leeleemeemee1]

I know the winter updates getting fixed n all but i just gotta say my experience with it. (twisted/toon spoilers ig..???) btw, i have none of these toons! this is based on what i see!

okay first off with Rudie! I don't even have a problem with him, hes a cool toon with a silly personality! decent stats, very fun ability similar to flutters. His twister is also cool, hes the 2nd character to have a glow! except now you have to guess if its brughtney or rudie LOL (i prefer Rudie.. I hate you Brightney stop turning off the lights.) back to him and his personality, Qwel hinted that there was something eating yp at the back of his mind that he cant internally control. when I saw it I thought it was his nose.. and maybe- might be. or maybe its his holiday spirit.. theres barely any interactions on the wiki but he talks about christmas a lot and it kinda looks like some toons don't like it/confused.. i love Rudie though hes so cool 9/10

Nexttt up GINGER! shes so cute i love her design a lot.. I find it very cool that her and Cosmo are cousins, I really love related toons. Her personality is peak.. i love shy toons. im kind of confused about her introduction though? "Ginger may be a little shy but has an eye for design! Her art is frosted into delicate details on her favorite baked goods! Though the taste may not be as lovely as the looks!" (an eye indeed-) anyways.. I dont know if its implying that the taste isnt as good or if shes just REALLYYY good at designing. anyways i headcanon that the holiday toons visit on certain times of the year (probably canon bc her and cosmo's interaction..?) so every time she'd visit she would help Sprout and Cosmo with baking and whoever's doing the decorations.. for a holiday party! such a helpful gal.. NOT HER TWISTED THOUGH. IVE BEVER BEEN GENUINELY SCARED OF A FUCKING UNCOMMON TWISTED UNTIL THIS UPDATE?! Shes very slow yeah.. except sometimes i see her walking faster. :/ but when she spots you she will NOT lose you. atleast 25 seconds she'll stop.. when i played atleast. thankfully now it is 10 seconds. she does have a good eye after all! im just glad they changed it. i found it kinda unfair when it came to low stam toons.. 25 seconds? unless you had a stam regen item or someone taking her away from you you're just.. cooked. 9/10 for Ginger. amazing toon, not a great twisted.

OKAYY COAL! not much to say. she was a huge suprise.. (literally. that big ahh piece of coal i love her sm) stats are peak, similar to Pebbles'. Her ability is also helpful. it'll be very funny seeing toons fight for a medkit when they see it highlighted LOL. her Twisted is okay, not much of a problem since ive only seen her Twice. but blackout? HELL NAH! FYM SHE GETS TWICE THE SPEED? SHE ALREADY HAS A HIGH ATTENTION SPAN?!(8s) dear Qwel, stop making the pets terrifying. imagine a blackout Pebble + Coal. 😖 6/10.

Bobette! the first main after the confirmed 5! it feels very weird to have another.. and honestly? id rather only have the 5 mains we had. SORRYY SORRY! I am happy for Bobette though dont get me wrong, she seems like a VERY fun character! atleast i think! no one has her yet, how am i supposed to know! (actually i just found out someone already has vintage Bobette. you NO LIFER.) her stats are a problem though. 5 star skill check and stamina but everything else is 2 star.. theres no point then really?? the two stats that are pretty useless without its other, the speeds ofc. it made no sense to me. im glad they're changing it though! onto her twisted.. terrifying! Traumatizing! never again! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!! cute, really is.. imo shes more scary than pebble. she has the same speed (now changing to slightly less than him) if you pick up anything she will run to it. and thankfully on floor 20 you're guaranteed to get her! expect every 20 floors she duplicates according to the wiki.. thars not normal btw!!! shes made me hate this update i cant take it any longer i hate everyone here /j but seriously.. these twisteds are TERRIFYING. 9/10. shes very unique!

the update is amazing.. i love whatevrr Qwel cooks up for her fans! 9/10 update i will be playing rn!

HOLY YAP-🗣️🗣️☄️💥💥💥💥🔥

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

status of babbit's life yeehaw

tl,dr: busy moving and a couple of other big life things that just complicate things, but well on the way to being back to normal! new fic chapters and better quality art coming soon.

tl,wr (too long, will read):

Helloooo what's up its me, Babbit. or Rabbit. or Bones. or Idiot Moron Menace Child, idk im not picky lol

i know a lot of you guys have been wondering wtf is up with my upload schedule lately and the extreme lack of even basic content and also i am extremely aware that i have not updated my fics in a few millennia and for that i am very, very sorry. this post is to answer a few questions you might have, if anyone was curious about the 'reason' instead of just the 'when.'

my family and i have had a hell of a year, y'all. like, jesus christ, i really hope things level out and calm down for a while once we're moved in to our new apartment bc god damn we are so tired. the list goes: 1. we got kicked out of the house we were renting-to-own bc we wouldn't be able to afford the new rate, so they gave us two months to find a new place to live (not long enough, it turns out) and then foreclosed to get us out. 75% of our belongings were still in the house when we had to leave. that includes all of our christmas ornaments- including the ones kept for decades, and the ones made by me and my siblings, and the fancy ones made from blown glass. 2. the first night out of the house, one of our dogs, freaked out by the strangeness of the situation, panicked and slipped her harness and ran off. that was over a year ago. we haven't seen her since. 3. my cat got very ill and became unable to eat. she passed away almost exactly a year ago. she had been 14-15, and had been my baby since i was maybe 8. 4. one of the tires on my dads car blew out. during the night, while it was parked on the curb so he could put the spare on in the morning, one of the in-tact tires was fucking stolen LMAO 5. we applied to rent at so many places and got rejected so, so many times. it costs money to apply, btw. we're talking like $200+. no, u don't get that money back. 6. i lost my job bc knowing i would have to work 8 hours at a job that stresses me out to the point of exhaustion (at a place where no one takes me seriously and would actively laugh at me when i try to express my need to step away for a minute) sometimes paralyzed me and made me sick to my stomach and made me feel unable to leave the house, and i called out one too many times. a day after my birthday, too! 7. just recently, like within the last week, my dad's car got fuckin totalled!!!!!

THE GOOD NEWS IS WE OFFICIALLY, FINALLY, AFTER A SOLID YEAR, HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!! I'LL HAVE MY OWN ROOM AGAIN!!! THERE'S AN ENTIRE KITCHEN!!!!!!!

the 'oh god' news is we still have to move in, and replace a lot of the stuff that we just couldn't take with us when we moved out (mostly stuff like bookshelves, dining table, dressers, etc) AND get the few things we could cram into a storage center out and moved into the new place, which isn't a lot but at the same time is more than we can realistically handle on our own. and then, we have to get my mums cats (a pair of kitty sisters that we had to temporarily house with my aunt, who got tired of looking after them and let them outside to be outdoor cats a few months ago. yes, this was an extremely shitty thing to do, and we've been working hard to get them back safely) AND my gecko (who my cousin has been looking after, even tho feeding him worms freaks him out LMAO yes i plan on compensating him) moved in, as well... basically oh my god there is so much to worry about but at the same time it's nice to have to worry about it bc it means we're making progress sdkfhsjdkfhdsjfh

basically i am just so tired but so busy and also thinkin abt so much im so sorry for lack of stuff but i am so looking forward to being able to bounce back, pls stick with me, it'll be sorted out soon i think and then i'll hit y'all with some good stuff i promise!!!!!!!

anyway thank u guys i love u and appreciate u all for sticking around

[fake-ascension]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[metalmusicwhore]

vent post kinda? or maybe it’s a rant idk just feelings ig AUUGHH

I really REALLY don’t wanna fucking go back to school I’m actually so stressed out. I have like no friends even the ones I do have I haven’t talked to like all summer and this fucking cheer team im on is gonna be the end of me I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD. The girls are so fucking rude I have no ABSOLUTELY ZERO friends on the team nobody fucking talks to me the coaches yell constantly ANDFUCKING SINGLE ME OUTLILE MAAM MISS GIRRL THIS IS SIDELIND FUCKING CHEER IVE BEEN A COM CHEERLEADER FOR OVER FIVE YEARS DO FUCKING TELL ME HOWW TO DO SHIT YOU SAW ME AT NATIONALS DONT DO THIS SHIT TO ME YOU FUCKING WHORE IHATEYOU STOP FUCKING TELLING ME THIS IS HARDER THAN COMP CHEER ITS FUCKING KOR AHEOEBAMDD

I really wanna quit the team but I fucking can’t my parents won’t let me because they’ve already payed for it like I know it costed hella money but don’t you think my mental health and me still being alive matters more DONT YOU THINK THAT YOUR OWN KID YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD MATTERS MORE THAT PAPER WTF ACTUALLY WTF IVE BEEN DOING THIS SHIT FOR YEARS I WANT A BREAK IM SO TIRED OF IT EVERY TEAM IVE BEEN ON THE GIRLS ARE RUDE LAST TAM I WAS ON WAS BETTER BC I HAD MY BEST FRIEND BUT I MOVED AWAY AND NOW INHAVE NOBODY I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE LIKE I ACTUALLY CANT

MY MENTAL HEATH IS DEGRADING BC OF THIS MY SH PROBLEMS ARE COMING BACK AND I CANT EVEN TELL MY PARENTS BC THEY FUCKING YELL AT ME SAYING THAT IT HURTS THEM MORE THAT IT HURTS ME LIKE HHHUUUUUUUUUHHHHH WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU DICKHEADS WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE ACTUALLY WTF

IM SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY I CANT GET AWAY FROM IT SSSIIGH HUGE FUCKING SIGH I JUSST WANT THINGS TO GO BACK TO NORMAL I JUST WANNA FEEL NORMAL BUT I FUCKING CANT IM LOSING SLEEP OVER THIS IM MOT EATING BC IM SO STRESSED ABOUT EVERYTHING

My parents tell me “you’re only a teenager you have the rest of your life to look ahead you don’t need to be stressed about anything” YES I DO YES I FUCKING DO YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO STRUGGLE LITERALLY STUGGLE TO NOT KYS EVERYDAY YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO GET MADE FUN OF FOR HAVING SH PROBLEMS YOU DONT KNOW WHAT UTS LILE TO HAVE UOUR OWN BROTHER RAT ON YOU ABT YOUR SH AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS YELL AT YOU FOR HOURS NOT EVEN HELING JUST YELLING AND MAKING YOU FEEL WORSE ABOUT EVERYTHING

THERES NOT GONNA BE THE REST OF MY LIFE IF THIS SHIT KEEPS UP I CANT EVEN TALK ABOUT IT MY MUM FUCKING LAUGHS IT OFF AND SAYS IM FUL OF SHIT LIKE I CANT HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES BITCH I FUCKING DO IVE HAD THEM FOR YEARS YOU FUCKING FAG WHY DONT YOU BELIVE ANYTHING I SAY AASUUUGGHHHHAHAKEHKWAOJDLSKALS MAKES ME SO MAD SO FUCKING MAD I CANT PUT IT INTO WORDSAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGAGAGEUJEJEKWKWORJDJN

I actually can’t fucking do this anymore I’m trying so fucking hard not to kms rn I’m so scared to do it but I can’t live like this anymore I can’t even talk about it without being yelled at I need help but I’m scared to talk about it with my parents BIGGEST FUCKING SIGH I HATE EVERYTHING RN I CANT BE HAPPY I CANT BE SAD I CANT DO ANYTHING PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW IM NOT FUCKING JOKING ITS MY TIME TO GO ITS BEEN MY TIME TO GO IVE SERVED MY TIME ON THIS PLANET JUST FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY ITS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD PLEASE IM BEGGING AT THIS POINT I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS

[whalesforhands]

i want to say so many things abt stsg & mc in dyf au so bad omg. i feel like their characters aren’t getting across and i don’t feel like talking in fic writing language i just want to vomit everything out

and also bcs nobody talks to me in asks :(

dyf IS an alternative universe where gojo and geto get together late first year/early second year if you haven’t already noticed.

i headcanon it would be around christmas when it’s so called ��official’

it’s just?? kind of decided unanimously one day that they get together since they get each other so well? unsaid lovers kinda thing

dyf!mc actually assumed they were already dating during the start of the first year. its definitely love at first sight when they butt heads as often as they do right? she swears that ppl with that type of relationship either end up in a grave or in bed together

i’ve said this before but stsg’s relationship is something i view as far more than friendship or just a romance. there is this… unsaid understanding between them despite their differences. i imagine them as mirror images of the other, two halves of a whole, soulmates ykwim

everyone thinks gojo is the horny one, but it’s geto x190%

when do all 3 get together? officially, not yet. third year aus are typically them teetering ON romantic relationship, but definitely holds no water yet. but there is an increase in skinship that dyf mc had settled comfortably into and thinks it’s perfectly normal.

i mean, she does that with shoko right?? what’s the diff if she does it with these 2 that she loves just as much (and may or may not have a crush on)

anyway, back to dyf mc

i don’t know if it’s super obvious to everyone yet, but dyf mc definitely has some degree of social anxiety and depression, explaining the way she pulls back and gets lost in her thoughts instead to feel safe

she understands what she feels, but it’s very very overwhelming u get?

mc is also shown to be sensitive to cursed energy if u also didn’t notice loll,,,, to the point she can pinpoint the 3. or is it just because she has trained herself to feel for their specific auras hmmm??

anyway. since stsg are ‘dating’, she does try very hard to suppress anything romantic she tends to feel, and WILL convince herself that lITERALLY anything they try on her is STRICTLY PLATONIC bcs she just can’t believe these 2 will ever like her in THAT manner yk

and shoko? shoko is single. shoko is pretty. shoko is flirting with her. but since stsg treat her LIKE THAT, she thinks this is what happens when you’re getting close to others right?

she likes it a lot. she hopes they continue to stay close to her. (LMAO DENSE ASF)

tbh i didn’t intend for shoko to be so involved with mc. i wrote it that way bcs i had an equally huge crush on her and it just integrated itself naturally into my writing LOL

also, the smut threesome fics were all practice fics lolllll. i’ve never written threesomes in my life and they were my first cracks at it

something special for getting all the way here bcs im just rambling haha. i’m trying to get ppl to interact with me i’m so sad and lonely writing all by myself

in the bully! satosugu au

gojo and mc were actually childhood friends! imagine that. growing up in the neighbourhood with that spoilt, but kind little white-haired brat but him moving away soon after

only to see him again when you’re way, way older!and that other black-haired guy that he seems to be super close with. you’re gonna be friends again, right?

and he’s never been so excited to see you! he’s so much taller now and his arms are so strong, so different from the weak chubby flab of the child him that you thought was adorable, so you’d always ask your mom for extra snacks to eat together!

but now he’s literally picking you up, your feet barely touching the ground as he holds you so so so tightly, as if afraid you’d disappear

it’s nice catching up with him, sitting with him and a close friend of his, geto suguru at lunch, following them to the convenience store after school to get a quick snack

only for him to ignore you the next week when you bound up to him smiling, greeting him with excited cheer. he quirks a brow at you, shoving you out of the way before walking away…

what… did you do wrong? what’s wrong with him?

[nopeferatu]

sighgh...

one of the big reasons i was so afraid of getting covid aside from, yanno, death, was bc of my fear of the lost of taste and smell that came with it, and now i've lost my sense of taste and smell and i'm just so bummed.

it's my birthday next week and i normally dont make a big deal about it or even really tall about it whenever it comes, but i'm just kinda sad bc i usually don't have like super amazing birthdays? like my mom is usually always out of town thanks to a yearly work conference that usually gets scheduled around my bday, or bc my birthday weekend almost always coincides w labor day weekend there's been times where my family will plan things for the 3 day weekend, and my birthday gets pushed to the wayside bc of it.

but this is the first year in a long while where my mom will actually be in town for my bday! and since we're throwing a baby shower for my cousin, we have family coming down from the rest of the state who will be able to celebrate with us on the actual day of my birthday! and my mom actually ordered me a custom cake that i got to choose from the start and its supposed to be red velvet with cherries and buttercream and im just SO. FUCKING. MAD. that i probably wont be able to taste any of it when my bday actually comes 😭 right now all i smell is like. clogged nose. it just smells like congestion. which means it smells like NOTHING. and i taste very little!

and idk im just so frustrated and bummed cause im like really depressed and i dont rly enjoy much but food has always been a big comfort for me bc i love cooking and i love flavor and i love eating! but now i cant even enjoy food. all i get out of it is sustinence but its hard to have an appetite when you cant taste, yanno?? so its like rly. the one thing that is enjoyable abt life atm is taken away from me 😭 like bffr

ughhhh. rant over, i just needed to vent for a min

[iknaenmal]

tell me about ur new hyperfixation babe

YES THANK YOU OH MY GOD

OKAY. OKAY LETS SEE

theres. well theres this baby who is satans son. and theres also crowley everyone say hi crowley. okay so theres also two demons and actually you know what ill talk about crowley and aziraphale sorry i have been thinkijg about them nonstop for the past four days.

OKAY LETS SEE. (this time for real) crowley and aziraphale have been best friends for like. 6000 years i think? well. more like "best friends" with quotation marks idk if you get what i mean. like uhh off the top of my head i can remember two scenarios. one time aziraphale was. i dont remember where probably england ig. and he said ohh id love to eat some crepes!!!! and he went to paris bc apparently the only good crepes are made there. i think i should also mention that the french revolution was happening then. and so aziraphale went there all dapper and . well french people were decapitating members of nobility and they thought aziraphale looked a lot like an aristocrat. so they caught him and were going to decapitate him but then crowley appeared and saved him. i just mainly thought the crepes thing was funny tbh

AND THEN THE OTHER THING I REMEMBER. well there was a church. and. okay there were a lot of things happening there lets see. i honestlt dont remember exactly what was happening there but umm. aziraphale was hired by some guys to get all the prophetic books he could find including the. the nice and accurate prophecies of agnes nutter which he couldnt find. so turns out those two guys were actually umm. members of a mafia iirc? probably not but something like that. and they well they threatened to kill him for some reason. but aziraphale had been working with some random woman who came to help him. but turns out the woman was also a member of the midnight crew mafia and threatened to kill him as well. oh how the turn tables. BUT suddenly crowley appeared and was walking in quite a goofy manner bc the uhh. christian power of the church burned his feet or something. so well he introduced to the mafia guys and then he said oh yeah btw theres a missile coming right here and the guys were like wtf are you talking about they were gonna throw it somewhere else and oh rhis is confusing let me use quotation marks. so crowley said "yeah it would be very unlucky if it was thrown here. wink wink" and they were like "ummm i dont think what youre saying is true" and crowley said "ok i dont really care. also if the missile was thrown here my good friend aziraphale and i would die as well isnt that fun. we would need a miracle to survive to that. wink wink" so suddenly there was a missile and it exploded but crowley and aziraphale survived. bc of a miracle. probably bc aziraphale is an angel and can do that kinda stuff. and aziraphale is v thankful of that but then remembers the books which were rly important bc they were the first editions of those books. and crowley pulled out the suitcase the books were in from under a boulder and gave it to aziraphale. romantic music starts as aziraphale watches crowley walk away. flutters my eyelashes and i let out a dreamy sigh

Ok im gonna cut it here bc this is rly long but i think its pretty clear that im normal about them. completely normal

[candiedapplez]

I ask you all of the questions from that one reblog. Good luck/nf/j

Omg ok this will be a while then tehehehehehehhe im not complaining though!!!! Heres the questions so u can look at the questions and the answers!

1.this one is OBVIOUS!!! A-90 and Opheebop!!! DUUUUUUUH!

2.lighter. Ive never used a match before

3.ew no!!! I don't want buggies crawling in my room while im sleeping!!!! However i have before!

4. Aaaaaa ive never really gotten into that stuff so i cant really give an answer-

5. A really dark brown!!

6. Oops i did that again???

7. Well idk ive used both and they are both work really well! however i do think scrunchies are safer for your hair, i use normal hair ties more often because scrunchies are more bulky and yeah i dont prefer that, but both are great!

8. Six. I have six.

9.NONE! COFFE IS GROSS BLEEEEEEGH!!

10. Ofc!!

11. Does drawing count?

12. Good day!!!!! I havent cried yet so-

13. Not too long ago, like an hour ago actually. I had pizza! (Incase u were wondering)

14. HELL YEAH!!!

15. Nope and i never want to be 😗

16. NoooooOoOoO-

17. Nope i have perfect vision muah

18. I DONT WANNA SAY TEHE! (Sry)

19. Yea ofc!!! But they probably wont turn out good…

20. Soda…. Ive never seen or heard anyone say pop before….

21. Plushies!!!! I have a unicorn plush my old friend (we dont talk anymore since she moved) gave me for my 7th bday!!!! Yes i remember when, yes i still have it! And its in perferct condition!!! Also there was this one kid who ig had a crush on my and he gave me a basket full of stuff for valentines day and i still have said basket-

22. I have no clue what this means? I guess sensitive?

23. Love it!!!!!

24. Eating :] (and joking abt pushing each other off probably/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE)

25. Aaaa i use all of them but i use lotion most so ig lotion?

26. Idk what to say for this one aaaaaagh

27. Like 5 i think? Ive been getting better with my sleep time!!!!

28. Not anymore, our school last year said we could take them off, however i was SO insecure about my face (still am, but not as much as before) so i would wear it every single day. If i showed up to school without one people got surprised. I stopped wearing them this year, however.

29. Hot????

30. THE FUCKING WATER BOTTLES!!!!

31. Theres a lot, i dont wanna get into it 😵‍💫

32…… is that a thing? People have favorite towels??

33. Hm my school took us on a field trip to a high school so we can see animals if that counts… (i have pictures btw if u wanna see them! We saw pigs, sheep, cows and bunny! I didnt take pic of bunny tho 😢)

34. LITERALLY EVERY SIX THE MUSICAL SONG HOLY SHIT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (the only ones i might mess up on are aywd and idnyl bc aywd is long and i dont listen to idnyl often)

35. Pst!!

36. Only once! My username used to have a 0 between the words (Candied0applez) but i changed it bc it made it sound like i candied no apples… but i was originally going to be called caramelapplez but i thought candied sounded better heheh)

37. The friend i mentioned earlier i met first day of kindergarden, her name is Alana, and this other girl Maya i met before kinder! We met eachother at a park and when we walked home we found out we were neighbors so we instantly became besties! (We still are to this day but she lives 30 mins away so i dont see her often-(

38. All…?

39. Sometimes!

40. Ice cream!!!

41. Empty. Coffee is gross

42. Hahahah yt, roblox and occasionally twitter!

43. HAND IT OVER BITCH!

44. Myself/j fucking donald trump 🤮👈🖕

45. NO ☺️

46. Oh god i dont watch any 🫢

47. | v

this actually was to the other girl i mentioned earlier! Maya! I found baby pictures of us when we were in 2nd-3rd grade and i showed her today!!!

48. Never and i dont plan on ever!

49. Never tried

50. GO AHEAD I GET SO EXCITED WHEN IM TAGGED IN SOMETHING AAAAA!

omg that took forever!!! Gosh i dont mind though!!! These were fun questions! Aaaaaaaa i enjoyed that tyty!

[edwardscissorfeet]

. pretty bad ed content just ignore me

AND IM NOT EVEN TALL. WHATS THE POINT OF BEING >45KG IF IM NOT EVEN TALL.throws a fucking brick at my window my ed is lucky i never picked up bulimic habits. my ed is LUCKY i should just go on a fucking week long anorexic thing like i used to do and lose about 5kg and call it a day. adn in fact im going to be responsible for my meals again for two weeks im actually going to break something im so MADDD im trying to feel good about being you know. not borderline underweight anymore but i can feel my thighs touching i dont really see my hipbones anymore i feel fat and ugly and i miss being hungry forever. ok whatever. dies badly

and i know it's normal as fuck and i anticipated having a weight gain spike bc for about a momth ive been eating 2-3 meals a day so gaining 1.5-2kg is fine or whatever but I DONT WANT TO FEEL ITTTT im going to throw my scale away. fuck offffff fuck offffffffff oh my god and i put on a pair of pants i havent worn in a couple of months the other day and it was tigjt and i dont wake up with a flat stomach anymore and i just kind of. am very tired of not loving myself. bueno 👍 if i was twelve again and growing 20cm+10kg i would kill my aunt for telling me i was fat. and all my other relatives who kepts saying i was skinny and making me feel bad about gaining weight. im going to THROW UP

sick to my teeth god i remember being fourteen and trying desperately to vomit because i ate a little too much at a dinner party but i couldn't because the reflex never kicked in properly. and being like 17 and overdosing partially because of ed but i didnt wanna tell my mum or my therapist because then id have to eat and id feel sick and hate myself even more if i gained weight and i just kind of miss being in the hospital and eating whatever and wearing the most shapeless gowns because everyone had yo wear the same thing and now CARING ABOUT MY WEIGHT. is it fucked up my best month in a long time body image wise was the one i had while institutionalised.

i used to be 43-44.5kg any given day and now im 45.5-47kg and its awful. i keep thinking about how im above 100lb now. and i dont want to restart regular exercise because my knees hurt + i know im going to overdo it and feel awful and return back to when i would only eat a real meal after a real run (4-5km) i used to have to tap out after 3km because i had no energy and punish myself with only like. a sweet drink so i dont shake from low sugar. which is like stupid as fuck but i cant help it at my worst i felt soooo ill after eating food. alsp why i am obsessed with my poop frequency if im being honest lmao. this was all THIS YEAR BY THE WAY i need to start stabbing

last meal i skipped was dinner on sunday 👍 i hauv to eat dinner now :/

[ooglywooglies]

medical stuff 🔽

so recently we figured out that magically my top surgery is just covered (possibly, its technically unconfirmed but it seems likely) because my husband can dip into his retirement fund so we dont even need to go into debt or anything!

ive been processing it a bit because like, honestly ive been stressed out about this for a long time i was prepared to take up a frugality eating disorder, and we just weathered some really rough social stuff so we basically lost a lot of fundraising ability (which was already not looking good due to my disabling chronic pain) and yeah all of that is literally just melted away because of this fund we already had and didnt really know about. its superannuation and you normally cant use it before a certain age but if you have a good enough reason you can and saving my life turned out to be a good enough reason. ive been high and low about my emotions about it, sometimes angry because i wasted a lot of time and energy stressing and planning my own death about this shit but today im feeling the relief.

and anyway since we dont have to scrunch out budget or go into debt we can start thinking about other things we may want to do with our regular money and im considering that we may start looking into permanent forms of pregnancy prevention.

i would really like to get a hysterectomy, like a full everything outta there type deal because obviously giving birth is my literal actual worst nightmare, but getting pregnant isnt really safe either but its pretty expensive. and like, my uterus doesnt really give me that many problems. i still get my period but my doctor says itll probably stop soon, i get cramps but theyre not that bad i kind of just dont like the IDEA that its in there, but its fine if i have to put up with it yknow, its not like i have to see it every day.

so if were looking at just pregnancy prevention itd probably be a better idea to go either the tubal ligation or vasectomy route. i dont want to get an IUD because ive heard its painful, its not forever, it can move/slip, and i dont want to have something inserted into me like that. like i know im being a chicken but i really dont think im able to get something like that installed, i put off getting tested for hpv until literally this year bc i was too scared (luckily you can take your own sample now so i did get tested dw 👍)

tubal ligation is WAY more expensive than a vasectomy but the thing is, my body getting pregnant is the problem, and i dont know if my husband and i are always going to be together. i never want to get pregnant or give birth and i dont ever want to have kids but he thinks its possible he COULD potentially want kids, like wed just never have kids together. but if we broke up it wouldnt be off the table for him to have kids with someone else. so its like, one of these two options seems to be what we are left with, one is a lot easier to get but were not sure if we want to close that door forever (we know vasectomies are technically reversible but its not always 100% especially the more time that passes apparently)

so we have some thinking to do, weve been talking about this for awhile but we didnt think it was going to come up because the financial aspect of my top surgery was kind of a big obstacle

oh i just realized thisll take the load off pursuing a diagnosis/medication for my adhd since we wont have any debt, i wasnt gonna be able to put that off bc its pretty debilitating but i was really worried it was going to wreck out shit.

[ratten-man]

My personal complex feelings about staying in Latvia

Me and my partner got an amazing housing offer here, which means we wouldnt move away to a different country like planned which has left me with many complicated feelings :/ mostly about how disgustingly nationalistic and xenophobic this place is so a lotta complaining down below:

Some of the things i hate about this place:

Eastern europeans stop being xenophobic challenge has a 100% fail rate 🫶 xenophobia is just built into the culture in the baltics, its so maddening. People born in latvia who grew up latvian but just have russian parents are considered to be foreigners and treated as such. The amount of friends I have from russian families or that (god-forbid) have an accent of any kind who get the most vile shit said to them is insane. Dont even get me started on when the xenophobia turns racist...

My boyfriends dad is american so he keeps getting treated like a foreigner even though he literally has close to 0 memories of america cuz last he was there he was 5!!

The xenophobia is so ingrained into the culture here that i genuinely dont think itll ever leave :/ itll improve in small numbers but the small number of ppl that realize this, wanna leave lol cuz its EVERYWHERE

And yes its so ingrained here, even left leaning people will often have xenophobia they havent worked through🤧

Latvian nationalism is so intense, ive been treated and keep getting treated as an outcast/foreigner because I have a speech impediment and so i dont speak latvian eloquently ♥️

Then theres the recently gone through mandatory military conscription because boomers have a hate boner for russia and normal boner for military power, so latvian amab people will be forced to do (depending on whether you volunteer or not) year/s of military training and then their location tracked for years and years just in case 😃 this could even affect me cuz i wanna have my documents changed to reflect that im a man. Id rather eat screws than ever serve a nation funded cult. I mean just every class would be hours of nationalistic conservative propaganda garbage. We already have plenty!! Ever interacted with latvian media? lol

Ofc every other type of bigotry is just as present here bc ofc... transphobia and homophobia is still very present, out and about its less due to gen z getting older but the medical system and legal system still have a lot of issues with it. A whole lotta racism, latvia has a lotta problems with nazis and skinheads, which has lead to poc being attacked in many different ways.

i dont feel at home here, i feel at home with my friends and fellow leftists, but the country as a whole? Never welcomed me and I dont even want it to :/ rrly going through the emotions rn, cuz the offer is just too good, the housing markets in shambles worldwide, wed never get an offer like that again. So now i have to face a future where i stay in this shithole :/

I am apart of small political orgs so its not even like im not doing anything, but i dont think id see much change here before im around retirement age :[ which sucks when youre doing your best to enact change