#and its bc i just. i dont KNOW what to DO w/ my STUFF | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jackienautism · 6 months ago

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i rly gotta. take my art more seriously

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calamarispiderart · 4 months ago

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you really are pathetic.

#my art #chonny jash #cccc #heart #mind #soul #...hes there okayyyy #hes soooo there #my new Thing for art rn seems to be fucking around w color filters #and weird resolution stuff its basically AWESOMEEEE!!!#i like the idea of soul (red) being all... fleshy..... flesh IDKKK YA I GOT THOUGHTS ABT IT BUT MAYBE I SHOULD STAY QUIET???#if i speak too much. well then its all pigs in a fox pen isnt it? its all pens at the temple isnt it? its all?? well YEAH WELLLLLL #souls like flesh and hearts like blood and minds like. uhhhh. heeheh u know hes like.... he gets monitored by the fuckin ECG THATS WHAT!!!!!#keep twitching man make the results difficult to read u cant even lay STILL for a moment.so fidgety and the system doesnt know what to DO HA #to anyone reading this just know that im actually quite a lame person. i just say a lot of bullshit and make a lot of bullshit and sometimes #the bullshit is good but like. u know its coming from someone whos just kinda lame!!#yea anyway heres my freakin ART i hope u LIKE IT and if u DONT thats FINE bc NOT every piece of art is for EVERYONE!! THANK U!!!!!!!!!

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dizzybizz · 3 months ago

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some doodles

#i meant to put the balor one in the previous post but i forgor 😭its in a diff file from the sketch dump i was coloring in so it just didnt #exist in my mind at all. i felt like smth was missing as i was posting it but i couldnt place what hlep #adeline and eiland have been driving me insane lately. expect more of them. probably.#dont minf the last two guys. some concepts for future farms 😋 (pls mind them im crazy abt all my farmers even if they technically dont -#exist yet. pls ask abt them or smth pls im nroaml i can be nroma l i prommy)#fields of mistria #fom balor #sona #im gonna start tagging that i think.#fom eiland #fom adeline #fom elsie #fom farmer #my art #guys can i just say that im so happy that balor is silver n not gold cus otherwise i would have to confront a part of me im not proud of #we shouldnt talk abt it but like yeah jjust know i like his silver and his whole deal #have such a softspot n bias for characters who dont settle anywhere. who never lay down their roots or whatever. who keep their past secret #like oughh hes hitting so many marks #i like hawthorne a lot. hes more developed in my head. and also i like his dead look and hair bows. i have so many ideas abt him man it hur #i promised myself i wouldnt make a new save file til i reached y2 w rory but apperantly errols bday is cursed bc the game has frozen twice #sorry if you read all of these tags. go to my askbox w fom stuff or smth. ask abt my farmers plsplspls pl s jk haha unless. maybe even #gimme drawing reqs for fom in general. ok tyvm ly sorry for yapping. its what i do best

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lemongogo · 13 days ago

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oo u want 2 draw soo bad..

#i hate that my ability to draw is so conditional #its soo frustrating but i dont know how to break it. this has been the one thing thats never changed.ill never be free #times like rn i just do studies but its soo fking BORINGGG euuhh...#but if i try 2 draw something for funsies i just stare at the blank canvas. literally immobile. & u know how people r like just draw #something anyways. a line. something. and its like no i cant do that oi cant even do that u underestimate my freak #i want 2attack myself from the pov of someone else #i think im having the realization tht i will never be able to do art stuff frls and its driving me crazy i think.#like im actually sick and unwell frm the thought of it.my friend commissioned me and im ab 2 send the money back #after two weeks bc i cant do it im literally frozen dude.i want 2 cry and die and explode into a million pieces #wait im back to add more.idk if anyone feels the same way but its like. i know its entirely a Me issue its a mental block issue #theres something thats not connecting in my head but its like.why is it so easy for everyone else ykwim...and thats a lie too right #like everyone else struggles w art and its not.it cant exist Without you struggling and practicing hard and trusting yourself #but in my brain im just convinced that like.i cant do this i cant do this like everyone else can do it like second nature and it freaks me #tf out #but also its the one thing i want to do more than anything else in my life and so like if i cant do it i dont know what to do.ughh.#not me freaking the fuck out rn lawl.lols.even #and on top of it i feel like i cant express myself well and i think my friend. < SOOO awesome and well meaning and NICE and legitimately #pushing me to try and believe that i can do this stuff but i feel like they wont understand the sort of like.mental block im struggling wit #like its less that i hate my art or something i dont its more like.i just feel soo physically restrained and incapable of doing it.suddenly #i cant think and i cant do anything.i have no creativity i have no ideas my mind is quite literally blank and empty

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dragonji · 15 hours ago

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guys I cant keep lying by omission I do Have to say . it's not that I dont ship qyz with anyone its literally just that I do Nawt like seeing him with yy to be so honest with you

#j.txt #SORRY IM FRINGE AND NICHE AND NOT EVEN A TRUE HATER. I like yy a lot also just Not With Him yknow #also like. oh this is so embarrasing but its going to be revealed eventually anyways so fuck it #um. qyz is the single character whose ever gotten me into ocxcanon ahaha[<laughing like a man expecting tomatoes and boos off the stage]#I KNOW ITS CRINGE I KNOW /EYE/ AM CRINGE . BUT A MAN MUST BE ALLOWED TO HAVE SOMETHING TO KEEP HIM GOING YES?#I just think I could give him what he deserves and more....... I crafted him a loving narrative parallel and even in some ways foil.....#[sniffles pathetically]I just dont talk abt it publicly much bc honest2god if ppl hate my oc I Will take it personal. bleeding heart & all #but Im getting so brave about it and like. I do genuinely want to share some with others bc thee facking worldbuilding I am having to do #to make this shit work. tian AH .and it gives me excuse to just headcanon a ton of unrelated stuff for qyz himself so yknow #Still putting in my Work as a minor underdeveloped character stan💪#oh forgot 2 say Also its very rare but I Have seen qyz shipped w other canon characters and liked it !! like sqx which tbh is kindof cute<3

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ghost-bard · 4 months ago

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Love being an arcane warrior in dao i love swinging a giant maul around and being in armour but also casting walking nightmare and horror on my enemies i think swords are cooler but the affect of a maul is funnier than big sword in my opinion. I have like 3 affects (at the minimum) going on at all times and then i do an aoe chug some lyrium just in case and bludgen some guy to death. What.

#dao #dragon age origins #dao surana #dragon age #i havent drawn athima in a while bc im busy w zine stuff but. you bet when im done (hopefully this week) im drawing them sm #idk theyre a silly guy #also my quest dlcs arent working? and when i look shit up it doesnt make sense #im not a tech savvy person is the issue here #anyway- athima my beloved #just met goldanna which was a bust #and im hoping i dont accidentally harden alistair idk how id do it accidentally but.#i wouldnt be surprised if i did #kimda sad you dont get to explain to goldanna that alistair did not in fact live in the royal palace #and that currently all he has is the ppl w him and the clothes on his back #since the arl is still fucked up rn #idk she assumes a lot about him and i wish you could explain stuff to her #cuz its like. i get her perspective she lives a shit life with what 5 kids?#like yeah if i thought my brother was better off than me then id want some help #however she just. assumes hes lived the worlds lushest life #when that isnt the case?#and ik its like. a part of the wholw him standing up for himself thing i think?#idk i read some stuff bc i like to know what im getting into but still be a bit surprised #so. idk man #athima is goin through it too get these guys some therapy #anyway im done rambling in my tags now

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samarecharm · 4 months ago

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If i start posting dc stuff on here, it means i lost the fight w myself. The demons won. Im sorry

#chattin #realistically i will be making a diff blog for it #bc its. its alot. and i dont want to engage w the fandom via posting #maybe.#but i def dont want to talk to anyone in there #there are so many white people from ohio in that fandom. ill die for real #ive ALWAYS liked bman and supes stuff. i just. well #theres too many comics. its too confusing. theres too many shows. too many contradictions #and really dogshit movies that are too grimdark for me to enjoy #prob the only fandom where i have to cherry pick the things i like out of the main series things #to make a story and set of characters i like wo making it feel overwhelmingly ooc #also. u cannot give me alien characters and NOT make me go insane #but no one is interested in it in the way i am. like w specbio stuff #this is what happenee w d/bz too. like where is the love of making goku a little monkey freak of nature and not Human w Superstrength #all the freaks are hiding from me. where are they…🥺#i dont care about canon lore for why clark is more human than youd think #thats BORING. more emphasis on the sun affecting him please.#i was about to write some incredibly suggestive specbio shit and realized thats not appropriate in these tags for This post #just know that i care. i care so much. all my alien ocs are weird. and i wanna do the same w supes #and i wanna do the sawe w the little mans #and i want to write humans dealing w the little things that remind them that hes an alien #the kitty eyes glint in the dark. the almost nonexistant heartbeat. standing motionless for hours at a time #weird vocalizations when hes ‘sleeping’. weird vocalizations that come out when hes happy or spooked #the way he flies. the way hes both indestructible but incredibly lightweight (or dense if u prefer)#ugh #ill make a blog for it. bc its gnawing at my brain now and it wont leave me alone

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y-vna · 11 months ago

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Ty for 400!

It may be 1:30am, but honestly, I just felt like I wanted to write this. Thank you for 400 followers!! That's crazy. I'm super thankful, and honestly, it means a lot to me! <3 super excited for more to come, I hope my moodboards rn are up to standards!

I'm not tagging anyone this time since I don't want to disturb everyone every time I write one of these. Just know all my mooties and idols r amazing, and I love them. You guys know who you are, ily 💕

Just a boring text post for this milestone post cuz I can't be bothered rn ahh

Teeny Itty bitty vent in tags since I can't get my life tghtr rn erm! Don't feel pressured to read it, idrc ig?? 😭😭

#lil vent i will most def regret in the morning #im not quitting just tired ig? social media and my lack of motivation r just dragging me thru the mud brutally and thats why im slow postin #i literally cannot handle seeing pepple from discord that despise me from when i used to gossip and a bunch of stuff on there #im gonna prob delete the song req stuff in my inbox. im so done w it. js like the event prizes #i want to still provide the full prizes #but its so much work and im unmotivated so ill do it eventually :(#i dont rlly think ill makr an event anyrime soon cuz it kind sucks aaahh #my moots nd friends on here the only reason i havent quit bc im burnt out by myself i only live off the interactions i have on here #i dont know what else to say i just wanna like forget any accounts on anywhere from me every existed cuz im not a good decision maker at al #i'll be normal in the morning probably hahaaha #tysm for the support anyway

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bunnihearted · 4 months ago

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i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.

#bpd #like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...#like the stuff i say isnt aimed at anyone in particular #and it's abt MY feelings which are so confusing i get a headache #my thoughts is my enemy and im such a broken and confused little girl inside fr T-T #but like yeah im sorry for upsetting ppl???#but really i feel so suffocated bc im constantly terrified of saying smth that will upset this or that person #or reblogging the wrong thing and making someone im attached to hate me #like idk.... genuinely my blog is supposed to be a vessel? a tool? smth for me to be able to put my emotions and thoughts down #and try to make sense of them. even when i cant. it really only concerns me. i dont mean to attack or hurt anyone else :/#but i mean i really shouldnt and i shouldve learned this lesson so long ago....#being confused and broken and mentally ill and not knowing or understanding things and being messy and #saying the wrong things or phrasing it incorrectly or anything like that #or like sometimes i have one thought tied to a certain emotion but it's only there in that moment #like when i feel so lonely i could die.. yes i do have kidnapping fantasies. bc i dont.: whatever i dont owe anyone a psychoanalys of mysel #but that doesnt mean i want want to be kidnapped by a stranger who doesnt care abt me... i know that would be awful and traumatizing and no #what i *want*. bc what i desire is love #but like i feel so much pain and just venting abt it or reblogging a post helps me solidify my overwhelming emotions #idk what to say like..... ☹️☹️☹️☹️#i cant even fucking blog or do tumblr right im worthless. and yeah i know i have a victim complex.. sorry 🥲#hmmm. yeah idk what to say like when i have breakdowns i have to get myself thru them without any support #and i dont mean that to attack anyone else.: we're all alone i know.#but idk how to deal w it so i just type it out. its not to attack anyone else its to try to make sense of my emptions i dont understand ☹️#anyway.. maybe i should just accept that im too fucked up and too contradictory for anyone to actually like me #there will always be smth that will make everyone not like me anymore. thats that.#thank u for the time u do give me tho i always appreciate thay #and im sorry i really truly dont want to hurt anyone else #i just dont have .. idk it doesnt matter im sorry for what its worth and if anyone even reads this #i hope not bc i dont want anyone to perceive me and stuff like i dont wanna exist to anyone #and im not on tumblr or post stuff for attention. im just in pain and have nowehrre to put it. im sorry if im lashinf out and hurting other

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bellamygate · 20 days ago

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the thing that gets me abt religious ppl is they'll demand u respect their religion & that religion hating your existence but they won't respect ur right to be like yea my belief says god isn't real so thats a dumb reason for hating other people or ye ok then ur god is homophobic thats kinda shitty they go APESHIT like. it goes both ways? like they can say i hate gay ppl bc of my religion but when a gay person says well i dont respect that religion bc it doesnt respect me its ww3. I'm not walking on eggshells for people who are too quick to condemn me to hell

#likeeee. ppl have been homophobic to me bc 'their religion condemns it' but i cant be like ok well then fuck ur religion?#but they can say okay fuck you and be hateful and intolerant like that?#why do i tolerate u if u wont tolerate me? im just #like to me as an atheist/agnostic im like. hearing that something i dont even think is real is why u hate me as a person is so insane #like 'its unnatural and wrong bc my religion says so' like ok. why does that have to affect me as someone who doesnt follow said religion #jusr wish more religious ppl were as understanding and non judgemental as they claim they are??#like ur gna say that shit to me? u think god likes that ur speaking for him rn? u rly see urself on the same level as god?#u think YOU can judge others? embarrassing #*smacks own ass* this baby can fit so much religious trauma #i love religion sm for some ppl but then other aspects of it im like why cant yall just modify this as society progresses #them books old as hell them writers didn't even know electricity but ur talking their word abt an entire group of ppl being wrong & evil?#i like when religious ppl apply the teachings to modern society & take into account how shit has changed #when ppl take the good parts of religion and focus on them and bring that religious warmth w them where they go is so nice #(my friends<333)#like they live by them teachings and are good ppl but dc abt divorce or abortion or gays bc society has changed & ppl ultimately deserve #control of their own bodies and shouldnt have to be trapped in bad partnerships #& girls who love other women and dont agree w the typical 'woman serve men' that a lot of religious old folk got goin on #if u can modify some stuff in the religious books whats stopping u extending that grace to literal people just being who they are

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graceful-not · 1 month ago

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Yk what actually. I'm sick of staying quiet Conya is a perfectly fine ship. I don't understand why people dislike it so much. In early Ninjago? Sure, back then it wasn't the greatest dynamic and didn't really have much in terms of actually substantive interactions. But people are still casually hating on it and putting it on DNI lists right next to ships like Greenflame like they're comparable and I'm sickkkk of it it's been YEARS!! Their dynamic has grown so much since then!!!! They're on the same level as Braincell for me in terms of ships I really like I think they have a great and interesting dynamic!!!! They're cute together!!!!!! EVEN OUTSIDE OF MUDSHOCK!!!!! RAGHH!!!!!!!!!

#ninjago #conya #cole brookstone #nya smith #nya jiang #I will always personally prefer platonic Conya but their relationship is still so so important to me in a way thats very specific #to me being Aro. Like. Idk. It's not exactly QPR stuff bc I dont think they would ever label anything but that also means that I don't think #they would hate a romantic label either!!!!!! Raghhh!!!!!!!!!! They're friends above everything else though obviously 💯💯 theyve always #got eachothers backs #Also i do prefer Mudshock just because Conya doesn't make sense to me w/o Jay somehow in the mix unless there's some sort of messy breakup #involved. And. Jay would never really take that well and it would sort of just sour the whole group dynamic esp since Cole is Jays bestie #and ALL OF THAT just to get two characters together feels so shallow to me shdjsgd. Like. Idk. None of that crap is worth it the romance #isnt anywhere near necessary for the two. Their bond is unspoken and they're satisfied enough w/ what they are right now even if they could #be smthn else #I just dont like the 'Lets ruin/throw away all of our othe relationships for LOVE 😍😍!! Because for some reason romantic relationships are #automatically more important and deep and mean more to us than any other relationship so its totally worth it every time!!!' it feels so.#like. amatonormative. Yk?#anyways ill shutup now I LOVE THEM!!! I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!#they make my aro heart really really happy ok. I dont know jow to explain it but i have another post abt them in the conya tag I think

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sundial-bee-scribbles · 2 months ago

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I've been looking for this one au where Len basically becomes a mad scientist and turns his friends into robots one by one for a while now, and I'm beginning to realize that I just read through your blog while half asleep a few months back and mixed together my memories of your flower hivemind and composite au

this is very funny to me. i'm absolutely honored this blog's posts were enough to evil-farming-game an entire vocaloid au into your memories 😂

i can give you this doodle; it's composite au but i'm sure it'd fit very well with this theoretical mad scientist len au lololl

#ask #anonymous #this is ALSO funny to me bc of 'mad scientist' and 'flower hivemind au' in the same paragraph. it reminds me of an old scrapped idea #i had about where tf the flowers even came from in the first place but i ended up never doing anything w/ it #i've been thinking abt composite au though uag i want to do more w/ it... rip the unfinished refs and one google doc thing i have #shaking myself like ITS OKAY IF THE STORY KINDA SUCKS AT FIRST!! YOU NEED TO START SOMEWHERE #cus i mean i wouldve never gotten anywhere w/ Certain Things had i not started with the og shitty versions. which were SHIT #but its wild to think ~7 years later i transmogrified them into the things they are now. wack. makes me wonder what will happen #to stuff im making now later down the line if i go and revisit it. SO CONCLUSION YES BITCH GET OVER YOUR FUCKING ANXIETY #i think my other problem is i'd loveee to reveal it slowly with like art pieces comics etc but i dont got time for that 😔😔#CURSE WITH LITERALLY EVERYTHING I MAKE TBH not just fandom shit but original shit too. i need to get over myself #cause i do know respectfully not everyone has the skill/time/desire to pick apart things for symbolism so a clearer explanation #would prob be more accessible. and easier for ME TOO TO HAVE SHIT IN ONE FUCKING PLACE MAN. actually how i've been taking notes lately #sorry these are some longass fucking tags im talking to myself. just went into a new academic year w a lot of stress #so thinking abt my own crazy stories keeps me sane and makes me feel like i have control over at least SOME aspect of my life #anyways circling back mad scientist len sounds incredible lowkey though lmao. its always the stem lens 😔💔✌️#JK?? but i do joke abt composite au len partly going insane bc he's a biochem major essentially so yeah bitch i fucking get it 😭 no wonder

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faaun · 3 months ago

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ok let's catch up quickly

#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth #(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian #like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told #him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive #fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research #(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux #to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him #my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept #insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them #and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating #apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they #keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading #this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY #JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT #NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn #this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore #i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt #himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure #even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin #right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love #her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her #its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking #kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD #i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society #feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO #WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best #its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good #one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much

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lemongogo · 1 month ago

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#feeling so silly lawwlll walking in circles #i thnk im feeling a special type of way ..#i know i keep going on ab the samw bs and how crazy gf YEAAH UEAH WE GET IT #but i thnk in doing so im like revisiting parts of myself and writing more and i think im jst being sentimental #sooo sentimental .. so saccharine ..#everyone has been rly nice ab my art LIKE SOOOOO NICE RECENTLY #and imean people always have like im very lucky and grateful 2 be able to feel like i can share my hobby .. ^__^#but i thjnk like . to take smth that is so representational of my like . art goals and wants from a young age #ouuyyyyuuuuuyyfff T__T ooiujjjjjj #I DONT KNWWW i dont know . i dont know what im saying but i feel like i just need 2 talk abd be like hey this is so reaffirming .needs 2 #i think like . bc my life turned out soo different than i imagined ive been dealing w like . a lot of hopelessness and feeling soo stuck and #stagnant and idk bad things and in a way i think like . coming back 2 something years later and being able to see progress in such a physica #physical way and to feel like more at ease and more like myself than i ever have is rly crazy and making me think long and hard abt stuff #and its all of these like . reflections im dealing w that r then padded by like some of the nicest comments and tags itslike #head in my hands /pos . grief but like ij a way happy grief #INFEEL SOOO RIDICULOUS its ridiculous it rly is IHAHAHAHAHAHA #i think its bc im turning 25 soon and thats the age i told myself id never live past iykwim which ks like crazy to drop on tmblrdotcom #but there r so many emotions tied 2 that and i think this is just one of the things^ stupid fanart ^ that makes me rly happy idk #do you know what i mean . like i feel so goofy saying it but its genuinely the connection i rly appreciate and means a lot 2 me #i feel like my ‘thank yous/i appreciate it/ means a lot’ grow tired but its soo fr every time i swear #kicking rocks or watever . i wish i cld extend my gratitude but anyways . thanks 4 reading this far if u have #ughg man and i think of the friends ive made thru this blog specifically nd my eyes r burning #sorp.. guys i love u all thank u.

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seventh-district · 6 months ago

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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill #well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst #like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made #bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you #but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings #and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste #there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc #so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything #if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is #which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose #anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages #or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing #i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know #it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess #as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence #the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education #i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype #sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen #there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions #like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity #like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem #but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.

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joelletwo · 5 months ago

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giving up on going to bed proper tonight i am Not getting everything i need to do done in forty minutes [adjusted for time it took to write this post. 30 minutes]

#and it took me so long to fall asleep the last two nights i might as well have just stayed up [shrug]#this isnt even representative of what working is going to be like!!!! i didnt know i was going to be working this week!!! until monday!!!!!#the night before!!!!!!!!! i couldnt prepare anything or pre-do any chores!!!!!!!!!!!#<- the job is really genuinely great so far but my position has so little to do w literally anything else in the building that im #super falling thru the cracks about every single thing me and my single coworker arent a squeaky wheel about lol. im a little #irritated about it but whatever <- i didnt have access to anything i needed half my first day even tho they had the whole month #to get the ball rolling on that 😭😭 i still dont have access to some stuff #i may or may not have to work friday. wont know till tomorrow. idk what im doing next week. im taking verbal 'yeah probably'#permission to not come in this weekend bc i dont want to lol #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #anyways. [keyed up] [why its been taking me so long to fall asleep]

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