#and it's not a healthy relationship theyre clear about that too

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

#but also it turned out#agatha and rio DID have a cottage together#something must have driven agatha from the cottage#to have her running#and not having a home with nicky#which could have helped his health more

yeah because i think because the tragedy is also that she loves death. nicky isnt doomed in some magical way, made of death so unable to live. or maybe also that, who knows, but i think nicky is doomed first and foremost bc agatha loves death.

i think she must have been on the run because she made it that way. bc she antagonised people into coming after her. bc she killed a coven or a dozen. bc she killed magically or mundanely. agatha isnt trying to build a healthy life, for her or him. agatha isnt trying to be Better in any way you want to define that. she wont let herself grow beyond the trauma that has defined her up to that point. and after nickys death she wont let herself grow beyond that trauma either. shes knowingly destructive and she isnt trying to change that.

if agatha is desolate and without community it's because she has made it that way. directly or indirectly, on purpose or bc she was forced, those things kinda blur together. at the end of the day she let it be that way. nicky lived and died because agatha loves death.

She is my scar.

[livinahey]

aaaaaastrobs-essions (jk) .・゜゜・

---

i'm back :)

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・»»————>

if you struggling with low self esteem go to fire sun/earth mars/venus in angles (1h/4h/7h/10). They will cheer you up and remind you that you deserve fine things in life 💅✨🧚‍♀️ just dont fake your insecurities to them or theyll disgusted by you

speak of self esteem, someone that have their asteroid medusa (149) in your 2nd are the one that silently judge and mock you. the one that try to attack your self esteem. the one that underestimate you; and will start to think "whats cool about them?" if you get great achievement in life. EVEN think that you dont deserve that and it should be them because they think theyre way much better than you 😹😹 what a bitch. beware of them try to steal your great things as a result ‼️😒👹💥💥

asteroid nemesis (128) in house shows ab whats hurt you then you develop animosity/hatred to it, check the theme of the house

1h - hatred towards self identity, hatred towards how people see you, you can hate your looks :(

2h - hatred towards possessions. You may lacks of material possessions, feel less than others in that area and you hate it

3h - hatred towards sibling, neighbor

4h - hatred towards family

5h - hatred towards "spotlight", flings, drama, childlike spirit

6h - hatred towards coworker, health (you may feel youre less healthy than others)

7h - hatred towards partner (✋💀💀), partnership itself. you likely wanna do everything alone

8h - hatred towards mystery. you hate it when someone hides something from you, not clear ab something, keeping something from you, being secretive

9h - hatred towards um.... tw religions. sorry you probably hate particular beliefs. hatred towards travelling, inlaws are also possible

10h - hatred towards public image, fame. you can hate public figures, famous person 😹😹 (im laughing because yeah we all know public figure often are not what they show on the media aka theyre fake)

11h - hatred towards friend, hatred towards what you see on internet. can be indicator of someone that dont like to use social media, or you give hate speech/comments on social media

12h - hatred towards whats "out of reach"

cardinal moons are pure souls that surrounded by "darkness". they can easily influenced by negativity from their surrounding so they MUST, i say MUST to keep good ppl around them or....bye (aka they can turn themselves into the evil)

what's with sag venus and having interest in things that they shouldnt be interested to

taurus women have this fiery strong badass facade to them, while the men looks like cute puppy (and wise???) lmao (for sun moon mars)

mutable mercury in first decan (0°-9°) why are you like to lie for no reason. are prone to say what they dont really mean. go seek better hobbies!

some of leo sun men are gay but they hide it by having love relationship with women... that's very weird (and irritating) of you

undeveloped earth venus only falls for/want to dating popular goodlooking mf even if in personality wise theyre not that best and it can leads to unfulfilling relationship 💁‍♀️

talk ab earth venus, i see them always fall for fixed sign venus (no im not referring them fixed venus as bad one that i mentioned above)

developed earth venus? they dont need to be with someone to increase their status, they simply being the (true) great person they are 🤩 (they know how to and do get the good life by themselves!!)

what i like ab fire moon is theyre so passionate but sometimes it can be too passionate where it leads to them making unnecessary drama 😭😭

water suns are prone to being delusional 😹😹

air venus stop giving mixed signals

i cant help but think ab where sagittarius in your chart shows what's "wild", "crazy" about you. thats why pluto in sag generations being seen as scary bcs the power (pluto rules ab power) they have.... 😹😹

moon-neptune aspects 🤝 say something then regret it

libra big 6 placements 🤝 attract petty ppl (and then get attacked, being seen as bad one when they just want to defend/protect themselves :()

undeveloped fixed moon 🤝 being petty

pluto in earth house (2h/6h/10h) are the brat but loved lmao

aqua mars 🤝 makes ppl amazed

air sign jupiter give the vibes of unstoppable teenagers (in a good way). see blackpink lisa (aqua jupiter), nct jaemin (gemini jupiter), newjeans hanni (libra jupiter), or another air sign jupiter you know! 😉

saturn-sun aspect are prone to experience unexpected loss :(

there's nothing more i hate in synastry than squaring to venus aspect... bc i feel unwanted there 🧍‍♀️🪓

[aurae-rori]

Wanna ask if you have any headcannons for aventio modern au

( cause I am obsessed with modern aus)

hellyeah brother i'm here to serve the masses

hcs about ratio:

still a doctor still has 8 phds

knows about student debt and hates it with a burning passion

has a duck keychain that he puts on his keychain with all of his keys like the keys to his house

once crushed a soda can in his hands during his student years bcs he was that fucking mad about the homework questions not being stated in a clear manner (he just like me fr)

has several duck plushies in his bed and theyre all named after either greek philosophers or roman politicians

can speak latin fluently and mutters curse words and creative expressions in latin during the classes that he teaches because he is that pissed off

used to be a full time doctor, but decided to turn to teaching instead after some time

hyper-empathy due to childhood neglect (he just like me fr)

eyebags that he covers up with makeup, he still has those from his student years and cant fucking get them to leave no matter how many hours he sleeps for

enjoys occasionally a rum & coke

really likes lattes and london fogs

had a british accent once because he travelled to the uk and picked up on it, when he came back he was mortified

fucking loves ducks so much he has a camera roll dedicated to duck photos

he got to pet a duck once he was happy for the rest of the week thats how much he loves them

massive nerd & dork

undiagnosed autism with a side of gifted child trauma

really likes jazz and lofi it calms him down fast and makes him happy

wrings his hands when he's really happy

touch starved

makes really good soup

hopeless romantic

more mentally unstable than you think he is. he is actually suffering from burnout but doesnt want to let people around him down.

doing his best. sometimes on the weekends he just nestles into a cocoon of blankets and refuses to leave. texture....

cannot not wear socks he will die without them

cat magnet for some reason??? all neighbourhood cats are at his doorstep even when he and aven already have three. ig hes just cat dad now

aventurine hcs:

still has those glasses, his eyes are more sensitive to light too

really fucking likes fluffy stuff he loves the fluffy he loves the fluffy he-

big fan of sheep and peacocks

eternally terrified that ratio secretly hates him even when they start dating

bpd & adhd & probably autism (ALL BPD HAVERS FUCKING WIN WITH THIS ONE!!!!! I SEE YALL)

masks so often its insane

used to smoke and drink heavily, but has started to lay off ever since he met ratio

still an adrenaline junkie and still has his stupidly good good luck

really likes coffee too, coffee addict, has horrible eyebags, a shitty sleep schedule, and overworks himself half to death

cant fucking cook what the hell is a kitchen

very fond of stelle/caelus and sees them as his surrogate younger siblings. stelle taught him how to play video games and now he plays with them whenever his thoughts get really bitchy to him

horrible at relying on other people but is slowly unlearning that

can do a backflip (why? idk)

high pain tolerance

has a collection of sheep plushies that his friends bought for him

numby and him get along really well. he and topaz still have that sibling esque relationship.

i think he still works for the ipc in this au but its not as bad as it is in canon

starved of touch and does not really know what a healthy relationship is before ratio comes along

loves blankets he has like ten blankets on his bed at once idk why

once poured monster energy into coffee and then drank it. he suffered the consequences. even good luck can't save you from that

listens to generic pop (lie. he actually loves indie guitar)

MENTAL ILLNESS REP IN THIS MAN

accidentally big brothered some kids. help how does he deal with affection

buys stuff for stelle and caelus too. he buys them sheep plushies. they will defend said sheep plushies with their lives. they buy him racoon plushie in return. he does not cry.

his fingers shake so bad sometimes (PTSD goes hard)

motor skills can and will die on him occasionally

unhealthy coping mechanisms but hes getting better guys

he does relapse occasionally but hes putting in effort. finally got his ass to therapy thanks to ratio :)

second cat dad. he loves his cat children he will die for his cat children.

the cats like laying next to him as he eeps if ratio isnt there. they purr and help him with his nightmares.

(ily people w bpd you deserve this rep!!! enjoy :3)

them together hcs!!!!

ratio already had background information on bpd due to his psych degree beforehand but did more researching into it when he realized that aven had bpd because he wanted to support his partner as much as he could :)

ratio is big on physical touch but aven needed some time to get used to it and he was very big on it

aven really likes spoiling the absolute shit out of ratio and likes getting him gifts because sometimes he doesn't know how to word how much he appreciates ratio

aven likes to wash ratios hair for him and visa versa, non sexual intimacy always fucking wins

ratio still worries about aven and doesn't like him gambling all the time, aven makes an active effort to better himself for him even if it's really hard

at the start it was really fucking shitty between the two of them but eventually aven started to learn how to properly and safely communicate with ratio and ratio learned how to phrase his thoughts in a way that wouldn't trigger something, and although they both make mistakes they are doing their best for one another and generally have a good impact on one another's stages of healing (im not projecting im not projecting i-)

aven will hold ratio in his arms and tell him that he's good enough when the thoughts get really bad

they love cuddling, who's big spoon and small spoon switches regularly because they both like being held and holding the other

aven will stop by ratio after his classes and take him home when hes too tired

ratio shuts down sometimes and aven messes with his hair and just stays with him until he reboots

they kiss <33333333333

they cuddle so much they hold one another going to bed

ratio likes giving aven little headkisses and peppers his face with them

they are gay and in love and healthy actually

they were never toxic yaoi never will they be. they are healthy.

they get married <333

this is so much more than what you asked for probably but here you go.

[romancerepulsed]

i do wanna make this clear in light of all the bullshit drama: aroallos are the sexiest people alive and we always will be. but also the focus on cishet aro men is very telling of aphobes terfy roots. i dont just mean it in the way that they misplace a lot of the blame for womens oppression on Just Some Guys, but also in the way that they tend to view women as sexless– or at least nowhere near as inclined to desire sex as much as men, and that there exists a female/male dichotomy in sexuality, and neither of those assumptions are true. i know that as an aroallo lesbian many people just consider lesbianism as some "wholesome" romantic arrangement with occasional vanilla sex (if they dont already just see lesbianism as nothing more than a porn category for straight men). but thats not been my experience at all. there are far far far more women and other lesbians who are more interested in sex than romance than you know. the same goes for straight women too. people dont consider the aroallo women because they simply dont fit into the patriarchal worldview theyre embued with, and theyd rather not think about that.

the more the aro community gets beaten down, less people know about us, less people will be able to realize theyre aro as well, and thus less people will have the knowledge and the language to navigate sex and relationships in a healthy way. be loudly and proudly aro. be obnoxious about it. be so happy withyourself that it makes aphobes miserable. we gotta be able to show that everyone is welcome here, and that theyll be listened to.

[saturnsfather]

have realized after the fact that it seems im giving it a lot of leniency and i do want to make it clear THERE IS PROBABLY DEFINITELY AN ASPECT OF RACISM TO IT. like the fact daniil doesnt realize that its not funny does not change the fact that it is Kind Of Fucking Cruel and Not A Good Joke In The First Place and that even if its not intentionally malicious, the fact that hes doing it to ARTEMY who at some point in the game daniil DEFINITELY KNOWS has a VERY FUCKING COMPLICATED relationship with his father and family name and people’s history and culture is extremely fucking White Man of him

came to the sudden realization today that the reason it feels so weird to me how Daniil seems to “forget” Artemy’s name in p2. the tone always feels off enough that it really sometimes feels like hes doing it on purpose but not necessarily intentionally maliciously. i think hes trying to make a joke.

no seriously i think hes doing it as Funny Ribbing Between Colleagues or something but it is just NOT coming across well. its the autistic Flat Monotone and Misreading Social Cues And Dynamics. i think he thinks he and Artemy are joking around but Artemy doesnt have the time or energy to genuinely confront him over it and eventually make Daniil realize its Not Funny

[leychin]

PLAY NICE by @sugoi-and-spice may be the best thing ive ever read and im going to talk about it. I binged it all today. its so good please read it

TW: Mentions of r4pe, panic attacks, abus3, and many other traumas

This may be the best characterization of Shigaraki in fiction ive ever seen. Its realistic and it starts off like he does in season one. A brat, untamed, violent, and impulsive. When we meet him its clear he has no goal and hes throwing shots in the dark, waiting to see what hits. But its deeper than that, and i think spice shows that its shigaraki used to getting what he wants, hes never "failed" before and he doesn't intend to start now.

Its messed up, its all a fucked up situation darling lands herself in. She cant say no, she cant do anything, and in many ways shigaraki is no different. He's doing as his sensei instructs, and its what hes been raised to do and he cant do anything about it either, but at he tries to enjoy what he can.

The relationship is built off of him holding this over her head, she has a good life, good family, friends, and a boyfriend. Shes smart but shes not happy, and even early shigaraki may have been a brat but he was perceptive at least. In the short time they spend together he's learned her quirks, what makes her tick, and how she really is.

they both really do bring the worst out in eachother, but it's also the best isnt it? As the story progresses we see Shigaraki give crumbs of his past or what he remembers of it, and we see her learn to let go of the facade she puts up for everyone else around her. Its not even a healthy relationship, its not like theyre "getting better for eachother" its just a passive effect. Their relationship is still founded on shigaraki very openly r4ping the poor girl and holding her fathers job over her head.

Call it stockholm, but she gets too caught up in the routine of being with Shigaraki and its adorable to see, he can fuck her brains out and then tell her to play black ops 2 with him like its nothing. Its a welcomed click because theyre both lonely, they both need someone, and even if they arent the best people, they end up becoming better i cannot stress that enough.

i dont want to spoil too much of it for anyone who reads my little ramblings on it, but shigaraki opening up to her as time continues, learning, and not just seeing her as an npc is something you need to read and i cant possibly hope to explain. He falls so hard its so good. His thought processes, his panic attacks, his itching, its all so perfect.

Spice you need to pursue a career in writing bc you've made something raw, something real. You wrote a story about two bad people, two people who are bad but better and its gross but its also gross in a cute way. i love you and i love this mwah.

[elainsgirl]

does azriel care for elain? because azriel didnt think elain being capable of being subjected to darkness. he didnt care when when elain was put into the cauldron because he was looking at mor. he didnt care when elain was withering away and was glad that he didnt have to guard her. he didnt care about when elsin was vomiting in terror. yes, he took the potatoes from her but still at the dinner, he was staring longingly at mor at the table. he didnt offer his condolences when her dad died. he would sacrifice himself for feyre and nesta too. theyre friends. he only started wanting her when nesta and cassian hooked up, because he was still longing for more in acofas. theres no way they can be endgame because there isnt emotional support and believing in eachother.

Hey anon, how are you doing? Thanks for the ask.

Azriel’s concern of Elain scrying mirrored Cassian’s concern. Scrying isn’t a minor thing- it’s dangerous & the effects unknown. We know the cauldron was able to lure Elain in easily, who knows the affects scrying can have. I think it was valid. I would only have seen it as toxic if he outright said no to elain about helping out.

Generally speaking…Az showing concern - since he didn’t actually stop elain from scrying or helping out - which side note: If he had chimed in & agreed w Nesta - this would have been the perfect way to break up & end elriel in the book & bonus, anyways

Azriel showing concern = caring about Elains safety. Just like Cass did w Nesta.

Wasn’t Azriel - like everyone else, incapable of doing anything? Don’t forget he was also shot & poisoned but regardless, I know im one of the few elriels who don’t believe elriel were set up to be endgame in acomaf. I was reading acomaf going “yep, elucien and moriel are clearly endgame” so Az looking at Mor during the Hybern scene made sense for me…she was his Li at that time. Elain and Az weren’t set up to be romantic, im not that bothered about what Az did or didnt do during acomaf. I don’t remember Cassian offering his verbal condolences to Nesta when their father died during acowar? Correct me if im wrong. ACOFAS was the book where its clear Elain & Azriel are beginning to develop feelings/a crush is blooming between them. If we got to ACOFAS, where elain and az were making heart eyes at each other - I would be concerned. For me that would show, they’re rebounds and have superficial feelings.

Anon, Azriel loved Mor for 500 years. That love and longing (which I think it’s his way of wanting to feel worthy by her after she slept w his brother) isn’t just going to disappear in thin air. It’s going to take time to move on - which is healthy. Even for Elain, her still reeling back from Grayson in ACOFAS & mourning her life lost in ACOFAS, is healthy. If she wasn’t feeling these things and just went straight too wanting Az - I would then say her feelings for Azriel are surface level & a distraction

But we see Az still wanting Mor. Elain still mourning Gray in acofas and that’s not bad for elriel. No one is claiming Az fell completely in love with Elain during acofas but its clear there were some feelings, a beginning to their relationship. I completely side-tracked, anyways, all these characters would sacrifice themselves tbh.

But Az chose to go save Elain, he wasn’t waiting for anyone else to come, “Im getting her back” Azriel is a skilled warrior, he would have been so useful in the war yet he chose to be irrational and save Elain instead. He clung Elain to his chest, despite dripping blood. And clearly he wouldn’t sacrifice himself for anyone as when the valkryies are taken- Az shows minimal concern and carries on with his job. He doesn’t show the same level of care as Cassian. Its like “chill bro, we trained them. Theyll be fine, lets go” So..I disagree. He wouldn’t save just about anyone.

. Azriel gave Elain TT, he could’ve said “dont worry feyre, Ill protect elain” but instead chose to give elain HIS weapon so she had the means to protect herself - that is the definition of believing in someone.

Azriel took Elain to the gardens. No one asked him too. Azriel listened to elain, her visions and understood what she became. Azriel was the one who stayed up talking to elain about HER hobbies. Azriel, knowing Elain was uncomfortable bcs of Amren, made a joke to take the attention of her. All of these show he does in fact care about Elain. As for emotional support - elriel - quite like Nessian in their book - aren’t fully fleshed out yet, that is the point of the romance book - to develop them further and im sure within the elriel book, we will get lots of moments where Azriel emotionally supports Elain.

Disagree. Azriel wanted Elain pre-acosf, they had moments before Nessian became an offical, public couple.

Elriel very much are endgame. Their foundation is so strong, going back 3-4 books of Mass showing us how well they suit each other, how alike they are, going out of their way for each other, the way they help each other out, can read the other so easily and can’t forget the attraction they feel. No other current potential couple has the same level of effort/groundwork. If elucien is next - they are lacking a lot of foreshadowing & significant moments.If gwynriel are next - again, sorely lacking in foreshadowing, romantic scenes + being paired together in the books.

[liquidstar]

chat i'm once again thinking abt how much i love the development of the emilia/subaru relationship. i just think they way they communicate with each other is so good.

both of them WANT to be together, they make that very clear. however their respective circumstances and traumas make that difficult at the moment, so they're kind of just hanging out. but everything is out in the open! they both know they like each other and wanna be together, but they're making the active choice to not act on it yet. given how fucked up they both are in the head... this is, like, remarkably healthy (and shows a lot of subaru's growth after feeling entitled! and emilia's growth in opening herself up to the idea that she could be loved!)

subaru constantly dotes on emilia, and its something she enjoys and feels comfort with. she feels like something is wrong when he doesnt (like in arc 6 w his amnesia). he tells her all the time that he loves her, expecting nothing back. shes not ready to commit to an "i love you," yet, but she's thankful to hear it, and she still wants to say it back someday. she outright says she can't marry anyone else because she's already chosen him! even if theyre not in a relationship, its like they're preparing for the day when they can be. they still both understand. and subaru is so patient with her about this now, he doesn't feel insecure about whether she likes him or not either. he knows! they both agreed to wait. they both know they're not fit for a real relationship but they're still committed to each other in this Just Hanging Out phase.

and from a writing standpoint i think this is GREAT because they can be a slow burn... and have open and honest communication about all their feelings for each other? thats so rare! literally no one is doing it like them. and i think their eventual relationship will have more payoff with less will they/won't they about the whole thing for it, imo. because 99% of the time w these kinds of stories, you know they will anyway, but what's cool here is that THEY also know they will.

i just think what they have going on is really cool and i love how it shows their growth. yes, its okay if theyre not "really" a fully romantic couple, that's too much for right now. but they can still be together in whatever way works for them, and slowly work their way into whatever comes next. they ARE working towards some kind of future together, but they're taking their time, testing the waters, and not settling into any specific roles just yet. just going with the flow, seeing how things turn out (especially w how hectic their lives are lol), but still undoubtedly loving each other (in emilia's case, even if she's not ready to commit to romantic love, you can't deny she loves subaru in a platonic way, or somewhere in-between).

its cool! its a cool dynamic that you dont get very often! but its also a very real one to me, they really feel like two troubled people just taking their time to figure stuff out with each other. not jumping into anything, but also preparing to eventually, and really communicating to make it work! that theyre both comfortable with how the other feels about them too, and easily settle into this nice peaceful dynamic they have in the meantime. theres no rush! they trust each other, and theyll get there.

[justicereversed]

what does es think of kotoko?

i think it's pretty clear, whether or not you're familiar with my posts, what kotoko's mindset is and specifically how she views her relationship with es. she hates evil (which she describes simply as "oppressing innocent weaklings") and as such she has portrayed herself as 'the fangs of the weak', she feels it is her role as 'a strong person' to protect and save innocent weaklings while crushing the strong. she saves es in john doe, she wants to be 'their fangs', she calls them weak and inept. laying it all out like this makes it more obvious to me what she's thinking.

but what about es? to me their relationship is so loaded from kotoko's side, but es isn't an object, they have feelings too. so what exactly is the other side of this dynamic?

es's personality and feelings are established from the beginning. they are an amnesiac, they are 15, and most importantly of all they are the warden. this is their role that they have been assigned. it is all they know, and it is important for them. they are the warden, and as such they are powerful, they are in control, and they are Better. their feelings are the truth, because They Are Milgram.

they don't want to think about their past, or anything outside of milgram, or why their thoughts are not their own.

this is very important for understanding es, and how they are. they are very emotional, they are desperate for control, and it is very very easy to get under their skin. they are easy to slap and kick and push the prisoners around. it is physically painful to make them question their identity.

when kotoko offers for them to work together, and for her to 'be their fangs', it makes them mad. their idea of what theyre Supposed to be is very rigid. the warden doesnt care about anything but their role. the warden is stronger than the prisoners. kotoko should not be their equal.

but in trial two they admit they see the prisoners as comrades. they dont like that kotoko physically harmed fuuta and mahiru, even if they're being a hypocrite.

kotoko calling them weak and useless is an instance of them confronting their ability to be the warden, and their identity, and it completely breaking them.

kotoko hugs them, and they struggle, but it almost works. they almost let kotoko convince them, that if they can just rely on her, and stop thinking about the things that hurt them, that make them care about the prisoners, then milgram would be better.

but they don't let it, because they can't stop being warden.

i think its very important that the one time es admits freely, without breaking down or freezing, that they feel like their thoughts are not their own, is to kotoko.

they're very genuine, to kotoko. in some way, they do care, even if just a little. they tell her that they've been thinking about her, too.

but its not very... healthy. they still cling onto their warden role, they are still Better Than kotoko.

es makes it clear that they do not approve of what kotoko did. this can be read mainly because of their position, that the prisoners should not be stronger than the warden, that they should not cast judgement on the others, and they do not want the judgements to be violent.

but... they don't Fully... disapprove of kotoko being their fangs, either. i had always imagined that this is just leeway to allow a kotoko forgiven verdict, but es still said this.

they do not shut down how she views herself at all. honestly, in a way, they feel the exact same way about eachother. kotoko calls herself es's fangs, a part of es's body. es calls her a tool, a thing to be used, and kotoko agrees.

perhaps, es is projecting their desire to be in control onto kotoko.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for refusing to get back with an ex?

So i (21m) was in a poly relationship with S (21x) and J (24m) for about a year (so that would be when i was 20, S was 19 and J was 22)

Midway through the relationship i was going through some mental health shit so i kind of subconsciously distanced myself (my bad, i definitely shouldve been upfront about what was happening but i have vulnerability issues)

Dont get me wrong, i wasnt straight up neglectful or anything (to my knowledge?), but i really didnt go out with them as much as i used to (if one of us couldnt attend, the other two would go as a couple. It was more efficient like) and didn't really feel as much "honeymoon" intensity if that makes sense

I think its also important to note that once i was semi-able to pull myself out of my rut i decided to start these big art projects to show my appreciation for them and also kind of make up for my distance, like that shit took up my time and sleep and effort. i felt like i wanted to take the next step from casual dating to something actually serious with a future and everything because getting out of my spiral made me remember how much i loved them

So i called them up and found out that they kind of... kicked me off the polycule?? It was this weird situation where they thought I was leaving them behind so they also fully moved in together and started acting like a regular couple without me. obviously i was pissed, and S apologized and tried to communicate which i really appreciate, but J was just doubling down blaming me. At the time i was so angry i turned it into a full out yelling match

I realized it wasnt healthy nor working out and broke it off fully, telling S we could still be friends but cutting J off entirely. I gave all J's shit that was still at my place back to S, blocked J's number and scrapped my project altogether

Fast forward to present day, and im in a completely unrelated relationship with two people i love with all my heart, and by this time ive healed and mended my relationship with S enough that i thought we could start over and add them to the polycule (to be clear my current partners like them too and are on board). We did do that, it's going great and i'm remembering why i loved S so much in the first place

The issue is that S is still with J, and while J doesn't have any issues with both of us separately dating S, S wants all of us to reunite again for old times sake and its very obvious that theyre still holding onto the old versions of us and what we used to be. I say no, i dont even like J anymore and havent spoken to him in forever so why the hell would i care?? Ive grown and changed so much in the time after our relationship that i wouldnt even fit into the nostalgic mold that you want me to be a part of and i dont think J would either

The thing is J does also seem like hes interested in starting over. S said he's grown a lot since, but i think our personalities just dont mesh and ive also just fallen fully out of love with him. It seems to break S's heart, but they get it and don't bother me about it anymore. On the other hand J respects my decision but is still like passive aggressively annoyed about how seriously i took it, saying it was mostly my fault and i took drastic measures for nothing.

Aita?

What are these acronyms?

[sunshine-in-a-bottle]

hello, suds :D

i come with six ships for the shipping bingo card (pick and choose which ones you want to do): c!dreamnoblade, c!dreamza, c!awesamdrunz, c!aswesamdream, c!awesampunz, c!drunz (for the first two you can also use the bingo card from here (https://www.tumblr.com/sunshine-in-a-bottle/764332055865835520)

I am frothing at the mouth. God you are being so nice to me right now and letting me be insane. I appreciate you so much.

DNB^. I did both because of course I did. I love your template I Needed To Use It.

DNB obviously got a lot more for the second bingo than the first because they are objectively the healthiest possible pairing you can get here. Look at them. Theyre perfect for each other. Theyre narrative foils, theyre parallels going in opposite directions but forever side by side in their path. It would have to be a very specific universe for them to even BEGIN to be able to make each other worse.

I know because of the way things worked it couldn't be called something canon, but in a world where the DSMP was made in a different medium, DNB would have been an excellent endgame for both of their characters. It maximizes their healing. They both get to be understood at a fundamental level, and seek comfort that they just wouldn't be able to get from other people.

Techno gets to take care of someone who really needs that care, someone who laughs at his jokes and finds him funny, someone who is rewarding to try and make laugh, because god knows Dream tries so hard to be insurmountable. Dream gets that personal attention he so desperately needs without being enabled or placated, or shut down for expressing clear boundaries. Literally my only gripe with the pairing is that its so healthy that I can't go batshit insane about problematic behavior like I like to do.

But honestly the yearning can be so intense that it makes up for anything else. My god can these two yearn, quietly but intently.

Dreamza^. By god this is the greatest crack rarepair to have ever existed in the history of ever.

Its so incredibly unlikely to happen just because of how canon went, but they have so much hidden potential as both a character study and for Shenanigans. They're both admins. They meet for the first time because Philza broke into Dream's server. Philza's son has made Dream's life miserable. Dream is like a younger version of Philza in all the confidence and control and burgeoning power that leaves Philza with both a sense of deja vu but also makes him feel like he's back in the old days, when things were a little less complicated. Dream is reckless and has no self preservation, but even if he has the skill to back it up, Philza still can't help but want to watch his back. Dream's trust is fragile and intense and hard-earned, and doesn't it feel good to earn it? To see this silly young man who endures the world feel safe to reach out a hand to Philza and let Philza take it?

Also the AU concept of Dream being an insane coder with no training VS Philza who actually knows what he's doing and is fascinated and horrified by how Dream runs the server is funny, okay?

Also Kristen can watch them fuck, no notes.

^Awesamdrunz. Listen. Listen. I experience mental illness. I'm going directly to super hell. There's so many things wrong with them, and with anyone else this would go terribly but somehow they make it work. This is somehow the healthiest relationship they could achieve. They can make each other so much worse in some ways (excusing each others crimes) but they could also make each other so much better in others (Dream heals, Sam is redeemed, Punz feels less alone.) I read 100 fics about them and they were all my own. I too want to be an evil necromancer who is consistently loafed on and gets self care.

I didn't mark "I wish more people would ship them" because honestly I'm pretty content with the amount of people who do ship them already. This ship is one part porn, one part crack, one part angst, and three parts kidnapping, I'm not expecting everyone in the fandom to turn around and go THERE IT IS. THE SHIP OF ALL TIME when its such a specific flavor of insanity and doesn't have a ton of canon merit. I like being able to bother my friends about it, and everyone who wants to sit with me on tumblr and ao3 and rotate it with me is nice and good. This feels comfortable.

^Awesamdream. I had to take a break from writing this and came back wondering "why didn't I put that they were perfect for each other." maybe it was for Torture in Prison reasons??? Maybe I was thinking about how they aren't a ship that is perfect in a healthy sort of way, theyre both so mentally ill about each other from prison after all, and Sam's control issues don't naturally blend with Dream's control issues.

But I kind of don't mind that they aren't perfect for each other? I don't think they need to fit like a glove, weaving in and out of each other and completely complimenting the other. Their hands don't fit perfectly- if its post prison, especially, since Dream's lacking a couple fingers- and Dream steps on Sam's feet when they dance. But it feels good to write them a little messy, a little fucked up, but still able to Be Good to each other, Sam towards Dream especially. Not healthy, but happy.

(admittedly, I had to write them like that myself for the most part when I first joined the fandom. Most of what Awesamdream was at the time was torture porn and angst, because YKnow, Prison, but I really wanted to explore them Being Happy and wasn't sure where to start. I'm really grateful for the dreblr discord server for giving me a place to write a lot of my early fics for them.)

^SamPunz. Do you understand how delightful these two are? Do you understand The Vibes that they give when they're together. Listen I'm rapidly running out of braincells but I love to imagine just. In the CKAU the way that Punz fundamentally changes Sam for the better by forcibly instilling boundaries that Dream can't instill on his own.

The way that Punz is so misanthropic, so distrusting of people and so angry at the world and at Sam for what he did. Punz isn't sure they want to believe Sam's capable of change, because in their mind it would be so much easier to kill him and be done with it.

But Dream wants and hopes that Sam can be better if they just try, so Punz is forced to Not Kill As A First Solution. Punz is forced to deal with the an absolute travesty of a creeper. Punz goes from "humanity can't be saved lets kill the server and everything on it and becomes gods" to "actually people might be able to change and become better. I don't like having feelings about this. I don't like having to reckon with my own humanity. Goddamn it Sam."

Listen I'm just rotating Punz pushing Sam against the wall, holding the Communication Knife to his throat, and threatening him. Sam is trying very hard not to find this extremely attractive. He is failing.

I need them to fuck.

[furiousgoldfish]

Damn i was not expecting the "#tw extreme abuse", thank you very much for your words though

I might be able to help the person who asked about healthy relationships though, ive made a lot of good relationships despite my family:

Communication

•above all else, communicate. Tell them about yourself. Learn about them. Get to know eachother! Likes, dislikes. Boundaries especially! Check in on them. Just a quick hi once in a while can do wonders (lots of relationships fail due to lack of communication or miscommunication)

•listen to eachother

Arguements

•if something happens you can always walk away, make sure the other person understands that they can as well. Take time to collect yourselves and explain later why your upset

•be clear and ask for clarification where you need it

•fights can be scary but dont think that someone will leave you after one

•try to steer clear of insults/threats/blackmail if your angry, thats hard to repair after

Trust

•i know its hard to trust and you can take all the time you need to learn how, but making healthy relationships is a good way to learn trust.

•Dont lie to them or you will get caught up in trying to keep it under wraps (unless its to protect your safety, in that case maybe being around this person is not a good idea), not only will they not trust you but you wont give yourself the opportunity to trust them

Kindness

•be nice. Its simple. Good people, the people that will make for great friends/support/family will be kind back! Go out and meet people! Youll make friends! Just give yourself a chance!

•treat other how you deserve to be treated, with all the love and kindess you should have gotten! They will pay it back, they will love you!

Other notes

•express interest in their interests. You dont have to be a big fan, people will want to show you what they like when they like you. They're sharing something special to them. So ask about it! You dont have to engage much with it, but show them their interests have value. It will make them really happy, and they should be open to yours as well.

•do fun shit together! Something you both enjoy! If there isnt anything that overlaps you can do your own stuff in eachothers company. Just hanging out with them is enough.

•being able to love someone else, is to love yourself. You're filled with so much compassion and care for this person, and they will feel the same. They will be their to love you when life hits the fan.

•again take your time, it can be hard to get right. If it doesn't work out thats an experience you can carry into the next relationship, something to learn from.

Caution:

-make sure they actually make you happy and treat you well, not that theyre just the first person you could latch onto

-make sure you both have personal freedoms, your loyalty to eachother should not come at that cost

-keep yourself safe, safety comes first

Finding good people is a very important one as well, if anyone needs i could try explaining that too. Hope this helps.

Hey thank you for sending this manual!

Yeah your situation is extreme, I'm thinking about you and hoping that you get to experience freedom.

Your manual sounds really nice and is filled with common sense, and I've been following these types of guidelines for most of my life, but still had absolutely no luck. The thing is, this would work if you're surrounded with kind, understanding, non-abusive, friendly people who also just wanted to be friends with you and reciprocate and earn your trust and keep you in your life.

However a lot of people will see your friendly, kind, compassionate and communicative nature and decide to make use of it. It's been the hardest thing for me to realize when the other person is just pretending to be friendly back, in order to exploit me. It's really difficult to take distance from someone when they make you feel guilty for it and attack you for it, and it's hard to not feel guilty and betrayed when it happens. Manipulative people make great use of trust and communication you give them! Treating them with love and kindness will often get you in a situation where love and kindness will be expected, or demanded out of you, while you find yourself unable to ask even for some patience and space for yourself. And I'm worried that this is the situation for most abused people, we're often trying so hard to be kind, communicative, trusting, interested, loyal, patient, giving, caring, compassionate, and they zero in on that and eat it up, taking some time to make us let our guard down, before they start banking on us being in their service.

I have been trying to find good people all of my life, and fell unsuccessful, and I've tried hundreds of people, created a system of red flags that make me drop them, and had to drop pretty much everyone. And it's not as if this manual is generally bad, or I've just sucked so much at communicating and building boundaries, it's just, really difficult after abuse to feel okay around people, and to not be bothered by some of their manipulative nature - it hurts us more than it hurts others.

So even as I'm really bad with people, I can't recommend being very kind, trusting or communicative, of course it's nice if you can be that and not get hurt for it, but I absolutely cannot. It never happened once in my life, that someone returned the same kindness, love and care I gave them, and it often broke my heart. I would have to be very naive to still believe that I just haven't done it for the right person - hundreds of people reacted similarly, took what they could, then either turned on me, hurt me and pretended it was okay and I should stop being sensitive, or abandoned me altogether if I ever stood up to them.

This all is not your fault, and I can completely understand how you sent in these instructions with best of intentions, sincerely believing that this is the key to healthy relationships. It seemed like that to me too, when I was younger! I fully believed this would work, kind people would see me and return the kindness, it would be okay. The only thing I can recommend is the stuff you have under caution - if someone fails to reciprocate, or reciprocates at first and then stops reciprocating, get distance. If your freedom around this person is limited, get away, get distance. If they start treating you worse at any point, get distance. It's not worth ending up in another abusive, neglected or scary situation just for the hope of human connection. And it's also really difficult for an abused person tell when they're being neglected, treated badly or their kindness is not reciprocated, just because we've already been used to so much worse, so anyone not outright threatening to kill us seems like a nice enough person who deserves our whole heart. They often do not.

[unicornsaures]

talk. about whatever’s on your mind. aaaanything and everything just in case u needed an invitation to yap today 😻😻

taking this as a excuse to have a yap session about my nonhuman aus because there are SO. many things that are included for very specific reasons(mainly elf laurens cause its my main nonhuman au, but the divinity AU isnt exempt from secret meanings either >:3c) but i just never elaborate on any deeper meanings because technically theyre supposed to be up for interpretation but screw that things are included for very. very specific reasons

OKAY STARTING WITH ELF LAURENS !! Im starting off with his design itself because while its not necessarily a secret, his markings are extremely important to the story because obviously its a massive focus with the whole insecurity thing and attempting to scratch them off so!! In his early design it isnt included, but theres two things i added to either foreshadow things or that make more sense because certain things previously didnt have reasoning. For starters, his voice! I make it *very* clear that Laurens absolutely hates his voice - yknow, with that high pitched nonhuman growl? Theres a reason for that! In my AU, elves arent supposed to have markings on their throat; it fucks with their vocal chords. Yknow who does have a marking on their throat? Thats right, John does! So not only does he have 'two' voices, he also has a big reminder of that just straight in the middle of his throat - so rven if he didnt talk people would know why. Then theres the dots on his head. Thats foreshadowing. Cant tell you what its foreshadowing, but take that information how you will.

Also would like to elaborate on his relationship with Kinloch in the fic because no, Kinloch is not evil or bad or abusive. I try and make it clear that their relationship isnt necessarily healthy, but thats also not Kinloch's fault either way. Its Johns own inability to stabilize his emotions surrounding someone he cares about(ex. begging him to run away with him - when rejected, he runs away himself.) This is a massive mischaracterization of Laurens on my part but like I said in the fic itself, its just me projecting for 4k words. Oh, and he gets that scar on his lip when he's 20 in what i call a 'drinking accident.' Dont ask me to elaborate on that either, John is just a reckless drunk.

Obviously theres the whole art thing, but i think its pretty self explanatory on why hes drawing. I think i stated explicitly it was a coping device but if not i think thats obvious but i never elaborated on his medium of choice; graphite :3!! Its messy. Thats it. He uses the powdered graphite, which i think he would find it was a representation of process rather than product. The point of using graphite is the limited choice of color that only leaves an artist with shades. It also just goes with the theme of his art because idk, hes out here drawing the idea and/or image of death itself in a way its gorey but also gorgeous, so take that as you will.

Also I have had many yap sessions on why exactly John draws the gorey and grotesque but ill save you on insane details and simplify it down to; after his mothers death, he was naturally drawn to the beauty found within something so vile and horrifying.

Okay ive talked all too long aboute the elf laurens thing, so now the divinity AU! There isnt much meaning inside of this other than the very very clear toxic relationship between Alex and John; but its toxic for a reason. As dysfunctional as they may be, they are better of together than apart. Like mentioned in the fic itself, Alex was cruel to his devotees and followers before John came along. I wont go into specifics or anything, he was just cruel. John, on the other hand, was also cruel. Thats why hes a fallen angel, obviously. He fell due to others actions but the reason he followed this other person in the first place is because they were holding something he did over his head, threatening to tell higher deity's and whatnot. But instead, John is a fucking idiot and ended up doing what this person wanted which ultimately ended up in him falling and losing everything. Obviously, this leaves someone scarred because ill just say it, in this AU at least, falling from wherever they may be is not a painless experience.

In turn, he hasn't physically fallen anywhere, but there are physical signs and overall, you can tell by how they act. So, upon finding Alexander - a god, basically - the only other purpose he has in life is to peldge devotion to someone. Hes basically shunned from other angels, and so finding a deity to pledge devotion to is the only thing he can do. Their relationship is not at all healthy. Ive described it as a worshiped/worshiper dynamic because thats what it is. No matter if Alex views John as an equal, Laurens will always view alex as a higher being than he is and in short its a massive power imbalance with how willing John is to bend over backwards for him(ex. ripping off his wings ! Never happens, alex wont physically let him, but like i said, John is willing.) The only reason I say that they should stay together is that other deity's wouldnt stop him from doing this kind of thing. 'Offering your wings to prove your devotion? Yeah, hand em over.' is basically what would happen and it would be 10x more of a corrupted relationship than john and alex have. Alex keeps him in line basically, and John worships him like..well, like the god he is i guess.

Again, this AU is me majorly projecting so take it as you will. But Alex is also completely unaware to why John is a fallen angel anyway. Even being a god, he cant just see peoples sins. He only knows when someone has sinned.

"A shame Alexander may not know his transgressions, he’s sure he couldn't have done much wrong with how much of a pleasure he’s been."

Pulling out the quotes for this story because i personally think its just easier to explain things if its been read.

AND THE BIGGEST THING!!

John nods absentmindedly, leaning into the heat of his palms that make his face contort in a painful type of love.

Its mentioned a few times, but being touched by Alex at all brings physical pain. Mostly because he's not supposed to be touched by a higher being while being a fallen angel, but it also has something to do with the fact he 'swore on his ability to love to prove his devotion.' In short, John didnt think he had the ability to love, much less deserve it. So, being touched by one he fell for brings him physical pain because he shouldnt be supposed to! The love he spoke of when he exempted Alex from this was love a devotee has for their god, not love like as romantic love. Obviously, in a way, he broke his own promise. This is also why the pain goes away after alexander admits he loves him because at that point, 'his god' basically just excused the fact he broke his pledge by announcing any feelings he may have are returned. So yeah! Thats fun.

Anyway, that was my yap session. I talked for way too long uhm..oops! Im not normal about nonhumans :(

[youremyheaven]

Hi, I'm the Purva bhadrapada/ashlesha native from earlier and I wanted to add to the combo of nodals being attracted to yang energy. I also have a Leo stellium so that adds to it.

All of my friends/ex friends have prominent nodal energy, I have a similar dynamic with all of them in the way that they always look to me for guidance you could say? I've always been the emotional anchor, the therapist or the one that keeps their feet on the ground. My experience with them depends on if they have other energy prominent in their chart to ground them.

I have a double magha friend, but she has a Purva bhadrapada sun and moon conjunct Jupiter energy, similarly I have a magha sun, Swati rising friend but she has pushya moon conjunct Saturn. Their jupiter and saturnian energy keeps them from being too "hollow" or "void" in the sense that the ketuvian headlessness doesn't dominate their senses. They are both extremely anxious though and I'd attribute that to the rat yoni, since smaller yoni animals tend to be that way. Another Swati/Magha friend of mine always looked for my guidance in his creative pursuits, turned out he was in love with me too, so that just adds to the long list of nodals I've known that are attracted to yang energy.

On the other hand I have another magha sun, mula moon friend who doesn't have any other energy to really anchor her, and let me tell you she is probably the most unhinged person I've ever met. She, in comparison to the rest of my friends is always looking for my guidance/advice the most and for the longest time I was basically her 24 hours open therapist. It was the most emotionally and mentally draining friendship of my life and it was toxic for me so I had to cut contact with her. She was the epitome of ketu headlessness, no thoughts, head empty respectfully 😅

So yeah, if people don't have other energy in their charts I find it hard to have healthy relationships with them.

thank you so much for sharing your experiences. i feel like everytime i say nodals are attracted to yang energy specifically of Sun & Jupiter (because Sun is the source of light and Jupiter is by nature very giving and "boundless" and no other planet indulges Nodal behaviour this way- Venusians who only engage in mutually beneficial arrangements def wont, Mars people are not known for being accommodating or "giving", Moon is receptive and passive, Mercury is too trickster-y, Saturnians are too disciplined to tolerate the unhinged chaos of Nodal people so yeah that leaves us with Sun & Jupiter) and how draining Nodal people can be to these natives (speaking from my personal observations) people are quick to chime in "oh its bc men are trash, its not the naks" like honey boo boo i never said yang = men, im talking about planetary energy not gender dynamics. and ive literally watched it play out and i cant stand the chaos of these Nodal- Sun/Jupiter dynamics.

girlies will describe the most manic obsessive behaviour and ask "but my Sun/Jupiter person has no interest in me and does not give a flying fuck about me, idk why" and when I say its bc they feel drained by this type of behaviour they'll say "omg my Sun/Jupiter pursued ME, theyre OBSESSED with ME" idk if its being delusional or what but girl u literally just said they didnt gaf about u 😭maybe they were interested initially before they knew what it was like to be close to you and the minute they found out, they started distancing themselves. I've noticed the tendency to be delusional among Nodals and they always act like they're doing YOU a favour by unleashing their chaos on you. I knew a girl a long time ago who had Ardra Moon and Mula Rising who gave me random updates of the tiniest tidbits of her life and constantly overshared to a bizarre degree when it was absolutely clear i wanted nothing to do with her and one day she had the audacity to tell me that she was doing this because she thought i was lonely??? bitch what 😭😭 perhaps she genuinely thought she was helping me somehow and was offering me her company but she was completely deluded about how i "needed" her companionship or whatever bc i would act so cold and disinterested like girl can u not take a hint 😭

sorry Nodals but one thing I cannot stand about imbalanced Nodals who have no other planetary energy to balance them is how they completely lack self awareness and are absolutely delusional about how others see their behaviour

another Ardra stellium girl I know had a spam account on IG where she had like 30 followers and THOUSANDS of posts, she literally posted every spare thought she had in her head, including really embarrassing and completely personal details about her life and i told her i was concerned because others could see this info and use it against her and she told me that her "followers want her to be a vlogger" because she's "so entertaining" like bbg people find Trisha Paytas interesting, does not mean she isn't unhinged

[autumnfangirler]

IM FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO THAT CAINE POST WITH HIS RELATIONSHIPS TO THE RANGERS LETS GO

long post so as per usual im throwing this under the cut

Caine & Ortega:

Ortega is caines best friend of years, even after the farm. In fact, caines had a crush on him since their sidestep days, but only realized it in retri lol. He finds his static soothing, its a reprieve from the constant chatter around them, even if it comes with the cost of not being able to read his mind. The problem is that caine is really good at following orders, and during his sidestep days, when they first got all their freedom, he kind of subconciously latched on to ortega as the nearest authority figure because they likened his static to the numbers used at the farm. Even post second escape, they still regard him as an authority(though hes starting to chafe against ortegas influence a little bit more). Part of the reason caine is a no-kill saving step is because, even if they dont realize it, theyre doing what ortega told them to do. if ortega had asked him to kill somebody, hed do it 100%. and if that somebody just so happened to be a near-mythical kingpin ruling over los diablos, well... let's just say theres more than one reason caine agreed to HGs deal unthreaded

Caine & Chen:

Oh, caine has a thing for the marshal and they are throwing a fit about it. This was NOT supposed to happen. Chen was supposed to be the vaguely-tolerable side effect to getting spoon. But then he found out that chens well-shielded mind is actually really nice for the same reasons ortegas mind is, and that he could relate to the feeling of being forced into a role he doesnt want to play. Back in the day, caine was always frustrated that chen didnt trust what he brought to the team, but now that theyre "retired", it doesnt matter and they can relax together as individuals. It was a surprisingly nice development. The two are more similar than they think– nowadays, the main conflict between the two is caine being lycan, because chen is absolutely aware of that fact and caine is just about clear-headed enough to note that thats probably a bad thing. Caine and chen are both very (for lack of better term) career focused, and even if caine doesnt like being villainous, theyre willing to do whatevers needed for the job(over 80% drive babyyy). So yeah, those two are going to butt heads when That conversation finally comes up

Caine & Herald:

Caine is WORKING that 66% strength of mind whenever herald is around. They find him intense, overly curious, and far too forgetful of boundaries, all of which they Do Not appreciate. But he still cant help liking the kid. Hes legitimately proud of how far heralds come along, and hes interested in his potential as a threat since hes shown how perceptive he can be. Currently, theyre trying to round out heralds skills as part of the team, as well as pushing him to analyze and use what he notices against an opponent. Plus, training herald has been more of a lifeline than theyd like to admit(i wrote something about it, but idk if ill post it rip). Its a schedule, hes a good coach, and he just likes fighting for fun lmfao. The whole thing would be great if herald could get some shields for the love of god

Caine & Argent:

Fun fact, caine used to have a small crush on argent between rebirth and retribution. It was a mix of admiration for her skills, the constant attention and the fact that argent is just pretty lol. It faded quick (quickly enough that he panicked in the bridge fight when he realized she was flirting with him lmfao), but they continued to hold a healthy amount of respect for her afterwards, even if they didnt approve of her teamwork. And then the casino happened! Caine had gone through the whole casino infiltration entirely untouched, but when they noticed the fight between argent and shroud, they couldnt help but give into curiosity and see what was happening. That was. a bad decision. He watched shroud attempt and fail to devour argent, and they ended up getting a panic attack and fleeing. He is now scared as shit of her :D! He avoids her like the plague, and whenever hes given an opportunity to escape a room with her in it, hes taking it. They dont know what she is, and they have a bad feeling about finding out

[yamiiwaii]

Do you have headcanons about macaque's recovering process from bpd and his copying skills (like about holding back extreme emotions or apathy, how does he regularly motivates himself to keep healing and so on)?

thats honestly a really good question...strap in, its a long one

macaque is definitely prone to bad spirals and bad episodes, as evident in the show, and he tends to internalize a lot of it and lash out in aggression. because of that i feel like starting the healing process was really hard for him. with lbd off his back and a lot more free time, im sure he thought alot about the things he did in the last few centuries. he probably stayed holed up in his dojo for a good while after the lbd stuff and just...thought. all that thinking led to spirals and breakdowns and he spent that time crying more than hes ever cried in his life. but afterwards i think he felt fine, stagnant even, and thats when he finally decided he could move on.

its hard giving up your fp and if hes anything like me im sure he didnt want to let go. he didnt want to break off those ties he had with wukong because those were familiar, safe. he fell back onto bad habits a lot, (i headcanon that he has s/h stims and he pulls on his fur when hes really stressed which adds to his bald spots), and found himself in spots where he felt the urge to go and fight wukong again, like before. during times like these his shadows are actually really helpful ! they help ground him and im sure rumble and savage help talk him through his breakdowns when theyre alone together. they help drive him to keep going, i think, because they know as well as he does that he needs this.

i think mk is another big motivator for macaque too, if not the biggest. he cares about mk so much, way more than he was ever expecting to, and i think he does hold some guilt and remorse about the way he treated mk. he wants to repair their relationship and actually become friends in the genuine way that mks friends with everyone else. and mac knows he cant get that if hes still holding onto the past, ya know. he wants to be someone mk could go to when wukong isn't available (he makes that...very very clear its honestly a little endearing) so i think he always thinks about mk while hes going through the process of healing.

and honestly, repairing his friendship with wukong could be something of a motivator too. he wants them to have something thats normal, im assuming, and maybe thats why he hangs around ffm still. but its also a little bit of a bittersweet memory of sorts, to see everything still as it was. to see bits of him still there.

with the holding back extreme emotions, macaque is the type to bottle everything up util he explodes. which isnt...healthy AJVKSKCJ i think overtime and mk exposure showed him its okay to feel those things...its okay to cry and to be upset and to just. be a person...obviously he only ever lets himself feel those things in the privacy of his dojo but hey, at least its something !

he does have set backs, as everyone does because healing isnt linear, and he still has days where its almost like hes back to being that hard-headed smartass trying to kill everyone...but i think now its a bit easier to deal with those days because he has a support system. he has people to rely on that wont shun him away, even if things are rocky between them all. but hes trying and he'll keep trying because as much as he lets it on, i dont think he actually enjoys being alone as much.