#caine is so difficult to play at times but they are so fun to poke at

[autumnfangirler]

IM FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO THAT CAINE POST WITH HIS RELATIONSHIPS TO THE RANGERS LETS GO

long post so as per usual im throwing this under the cut

Caine & Ortega:

Ortega is caines best friend of years, even after the farm. In fact, caines had a crush on him since their sidestep days, but only realized it in retri lol. He finds his static soothing, its a reprieve from the constant chatter around them, even if it comes with the cost of not being able to read his mind. The problem is that caine is really good at following orders, and during his sidestep days, when they first got all their freedom, he kind of subconciously latched on to ortega as the nearest authority figure because they likened his static to the numbers used at the farm. Even post second escape, they still regard him as an authority(though hes starting to chafe against ortegas influence a little bit more). Part of the reason caine is a no-kill saving step is because, even if they dont realize it, theyre doing what ortega told them to do. if ortega had asked him to kill somebody, hed do it 100%. and if that somebody just so happened to be a near-mythical kingpin ruling over los diablos, well... let's just say theres more than one reason caine agreed to HGs deal unthreaded

Caine & Chen:

Oh, caine has a thing for the marshal and they are throwing a fit about it. This was NOT supposed to happen. Chen was supposed to be the vaguely-tolerable side effect to getting spoon. But then he found out that chens well-shielded mind is actually really nice for the same reasons ortegas mind is, and that he could relate to the feeling of being forced into a role he doesnt want to play. Back in the day, caine was always frustrated that chen didnt trust what he brought to the team, but now that theyre "retired", it doesnt matter and they can relax together as individuals. It was a surprisingly nice development. The two are more similar than they think– nowadays, the main conflict between the two is caine being lycan, because chen is absolutely aware of that fact and caine is just about clear-headed enough to note that thats probably a bad thing. Caine and chen are both very (for lack of better term) career focused, and even if caine doesnt like being villainous, theyre willing to do whatevers needed for the job(over 80% drive babyyy). So yeah, those two are going to butt heads when That conversation finally comes up

Caine & Herald:

Caine is WORKING that 66% strength of mind whenever herald is around. They find him intense, overly curious, and far too forgetful of boundaries, all of which they Do Not appreciate. But he still cant help liking the kid. Hes legitimately proud of how far heralds come along, and hes interested in his potential as a threat since hes shown how perceptive he can be. Currently, theyre trying to round out heralds skills as part of the team, as well as pushing him to analyze and use what he notices against an opponent. Plus, training herald has been more of a lifeline than theyd like to admit(i wrote something about it, but idk if ill post it rip). Its a schedule, hes a good coach, and he just likes fighting for fun lmfao. The whole thing would be great if herald could get some shields for the love of god

Caine & Argent:

Fun fact, caine used to have a small crush on argent between rebirth and retribution. It was a mix of admiration for her skills, the constant attention and the fact that argent is just pretty lol. It faded quick (quickly enough that he panicked in the bridge fight when he realized she was flirting with him lmfao), but they continued to hold a healthy amount of respect for her afterwards, even if they didnt approve of her teamwork. And then the casino happened! Caine had gone through the whole casino infiltration entirely untouched, but when they noticed the fight between argent and shroud, they couldnt help but give into curiosity and see what was happening. That was. a bad decision. He watched shroud attempt and fail to devour argent, and they ended up getting a panic attack and fleeing. He is now scared as shit of her :D! He avoids her like the plague, and whenever hes given an opportunity to escape a room with her in it, hes taking it. They dont know what she is, and they have a bad feeling about finding out

[bestworstcase]

more than once you've said "the tts fandom can't write x character, or can't write y character," but have you considered that maybe they can write them fine, you've just built up your desired interpretations of these characters? you give off this condescending attitude, like ONLY YOU can write tts characters accurately, ONLY YOU understand them, & any interpretations that don't in some way align with what you think are WRONG. this has become more apparent as you've worked through bitter snow

let’s discuss king frederic, and how he is often characterized in fanworks vs how he is characterized in the show. 

now... i think we can all agree that frederic is at best a mediocre father and a not especially good king, that in his worst moments he steps over the line into emotional abuse vis a vis his treatment of rapunzel, and that the avoidant head-in-the-sand approach he takes to the black rock problem in s1 causes widespread pain, unnecessary panic, and does not improve the situation whatsoever. 

he is widely disliked in the fandom for very good reason

however! it is difficult, though hardly impossible, to find fic where frederic acts or speaks... like frederic, for one very simple reason: the fandom, by and large, as a group, writes frederic as an angry, abusive man who blows up when he is confronted with the many, many things he does wrong. often this takes the form of a character, or characters, getting up in front of him and rattling off his list of crimes, real or perceived, followed by him basically throwing a tantrum.

canon frederic, to put it bluntly, does not do that. 

exhibit a: caine’s confrontation of frederic in before ever after.

caine sets up exactly the scenario that in the average tts fanfic would end with frederic yelling / blustering / furiously denying the accusations, plus she does it while rounding up all his guests and putting them in cage to haul them off and, presumably, kill them somewhere. like. the stakes are life or death and this is an extremely stressful situation for everyone involved.

and this is how that conversation goes down: 

FRED: Release my guests immediately!

CAINE: What’s the matter, Fred? Am I ruining your perfect day?

RAPUNZEL: ...The Duchess?

CAINE: Oh, honey. I am no Duchess.

RAPUNZEL: I don’t understand.

CAINE: Of course you wouldn’t, Rapunzel, but try to follow along. This is all your fault.

RAPUNZEL: What?!

CAINE: You see, after your untimely... disappearance, your father locked up every criminal in the kingdom... including a simple petty thief. My father. I saw him thrown into a cage and hauled off like some animal, never to be seen again. So... I thought I’d come back, and return the favor. 

[the wagon rolls in]

CAINE: Load ‘em up, boys! Your turn, Your Majesty. 

[Frederic moves to shield Rapunzel; Caine snickers.]

CAINE: Oh, come on, you didn’t think we’d leave our prized pig in the pen, did you?

RAPUNZEL: [as Caine’s gang drags Frederic toward the wagon] Dad—

FREDERIC: Rapunzel, stay back. 

RAPUNZEL: But—

FREDERIC: No. There’s nothing you can do. As your father and your king, I command you to stay put. 

there are two key points that i want to make here, because they diverge significantly from the way frederic is characterized in analogous scenarios in fanfics, like, 90% of the time. 

1) fred doesn’t get angry. he doesn’t bluster or yell. he orders caine to release his guests, and when she refuses, he gets quiet. he does not interrupt caine’s rant, he does not even try to deny her accusations, and he doesn’t stomp around escalating the situation even while caine is prancing around waving a sword in his daughter’s face or literally poking him in the chest. 

he stays calm. 

2) fred’s primary, overriding concern is for rapunzel’s safety, and the safety of his guests. not his own. he does not struggle when caine’s men lead him away. he protests on behalf of his guests, but not himself, and he attempts to physically shield rapunzel from harm before he is dragged away. he doesn’t waste his breath trying to argue with caine, but he does tell rapunzel firmly not to put herself in danger trying to rescue him. 

now... there are plenty of ways to interpret why frederic behaves this way, and my personal take is certainly not the only possible one. but the behavior itself, the staying calm in the face of a crisis, while someone is in his face threatening him, his family, and his guests and making pretty charged accusation, is a) objectively playing out on the screen and b) directly at odds with the way frederic most often acts in fanfics. 

exhibit b: mood-swapped frederic blows up just like fanon frederic constantly does

and this is the only time we ever see frederic lose his temper like this in the entire series. again, this is not a matter of interpretation: this is just plainly what happens on the screen. when he is in his right mind, frederic is not a “scream accusations, whip out a sword, and impulsively declare war or attack someone because he’s mad” sort of person, and to say that he is really like that, deep down, is just as silly as trying to argue that cass really is a peppy, soft-hearted, affectionate pushover, or that eugene really is too riddled-with self-doubt and anxiety to make any decisions, or that rapunzel really is a grouchy, moody, misanthropic person. the mood potion makes everyone act like fundamentally different versions of themselves; their behavior is, literally, out of character for their normal, not high-off-their-asses-on-a-magical-potion selves. 

exhibit c: the angry mob in secrets of the sundrop

like with caine, this confrontation kicks off with a premise that should be pretty familiar to anyone who reads any fic featuring frederic at all, ie everybody is pissed at frederic and there is literally an enraged mob screaming for justice in the throne room. and that goes like this:

[everybody shouting in angry panic]

FREDERIC: People... [raising his voice to be heard] Citizens, please! Listen to me!

[Max rears and whinnies to get everyone’s attention, and the shouting dwindles away.]

FREDERIC: I will not lie to you any longer. Corona is in grave danger. The queen has been taken; over half our royal guard lie wounded; and these black rocks draw ever closer.

[the shouting begins to pick up again]

EUGENE: Uh, sir, hi, yeah—if there’s a ‘but’ in this speech, you probably want to cut to it right now. 

FREDERIC: But I look at you, and I don’t just see subjects. I see friends, family; strong, brave individuals who have stood by each other, side-by-side, and have never, ever backed down from a fight! Today, we face a danger like none before. As your king, your friend, and as your brother, I ask you to fight one more time. For Corona!

again, key points: 

1) frederic does not deny, bluster, shout down, or otherwise attempt to refute the basic point that he bungled the black rock situation. he did bungle it, and he knows that [this scene is preceded by him spelling out the full extent of his failures to rapunzel and openly admitting guilt]. through his behavior, he demonstrates that he accepts culpability for the situation and implicitly accepts the legitimacy of the crowd’s anger. 

2) he raises his voice only so he can be heard above the shouting, and as soon as folks quiet down, he drops to a reasonable volume again. his mood is grim, but he isn’t angry. he projects calm. 

3) eugene is nervous about frederic losing control of the crowd and accidentally causing a riot or something; frederic is not. 

4) instead of denying the crowd’s anger, frederic tries to reframe the problem for them: yes, things are bad, but they are strong and brave and we can all work together to put things right. he doesn’t shout them down; he seeks to inspire them. 

and 5) when frederic says “we face a danger,” he means that. the very next thing he does after giving this speech is go straight to the frontlines to fight in the same battle he’s asking everyone else to join in. he's not asking them to do anything he isn’t willing to do himself. 

which... i would argue even more than the caine confrontation in BEA, is diametrically opposed to the way the typical fanon frederic would respond to an angry mob situation, because the typical fanon frederic is a very angry, aggressive man, and that... simply isn’t who frederic is. he’s calm, he’s knows how to work a crowd, he knows how to use his authority to achieve his goals without browbeating or threatening. 

even when he does get angry—such as his instinctive reaction to arianna’s kidnapping, when he jumps first to “we will invade old corona”—he doesn’t yell or stomp around or throw tantrum. he gets stiff and rather cold and makes an impulsive judgment call... but then he takes some time to brood by himself, calms down, talks things out with rapunzel, admits his failures, and doesn’t follow through with the impulsive order he made in the heat of the moment. 

like... flat out, he is not an angry man.

and it’s frustrating, when i go to read fanfic and frederic is overwhelmingly characterized as this hapless angry shouty abusive person, because it is breathtakingly far removed from how he acts in canon, and i like frederic as a character. i find him very interesting, and it’s not fun to read fics where everything that makes him interesting is taken away and replaced with this sort of one-note Shouty Angry King/Bad Dad Whom Everyone Hates. and that applies, unfortunately, to a very large number of the types of fics i like to read (namely, long canon exploratory or canon divergent fics, etc)

anyway,

i am perfectly happy to read interpretations of the tts characters that do not mesh well, or are even wholly incompatible with, my own. 

but i do expect, as a minimum, characters to behave more or less the way they behave in canon unless there is a clear reason for them to be different. i expect varian to be nerdy and chaotic and a bit of a disaster, for example. i expect adira to be aloof, blunt, and perhaps a touch arrogant. i expect cassandra to be ambitious and frustrated and prone to self-sabotage and envy. i expect lance to be laid back and eugene to be a bit vain. i expect the captain to be gruff and very tight-laced. and i expect frederic to act like a politician who is in control of his feelings but sort of cowardly at heart, because that’s how frederic acts in the show. 

i hold myself to these standards too. a ton of my editing process is “hm does this character really talk like this? is this how they would react to this situation?” and then going through and rewatching scenes or whole episodes and trying to find roughly analogous emotional beats or situations to sort of gauge whether i’m hitting the mark or not; it’s very difficult and i work hard on it and do not always succeed... and this does make me a bit picky about characterization in fics i’m reading, yeah, because it’s... always at the forefront of my mind. and then yes i post about it here, because this is the hyperfixation landfill where i dump my tts-adjacent thoughts. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

of course, you’re welcome to unfollow me if you do not enjoy reading what i post. it’s important to curate an online experience that you enjoy! if my general demeanor irritates you, you don’t need to inflict yourself with it.

[creative-type]

The Murder of Arthur Wright III

First

Last

AO3

AN: Some of the dialogue may have been inspired by @bludragongal‘s art. Fun fact, I don’t know or care about anything even remotely related to clothes and looking nice, and thus all my characters are fashion disasters by default. 

Chapter Three: A Conversation in a Hospital

Margot didn’t know what to think of Dashiell Cain, but there was no doubting his sincerity. He shook Margot’s hand, thanked her again for hearing him out and turned to leave.

He nearly made it to the door when Margot let out a breath that was nearly a sigh. “Wait.”

Cain stopped.

“What are you going to do now?” Margot asked.

“Well…I hear that Wright junior’s still at the hospital convalescing,” Cain said slowly. “I thought I’d pay him a visit.”

“Not in those clothes you aren’t,” Margot said. Some small voice in the back of her mind was asking why she was doing this. It was a question Margot wasn’t sure she could answer. The story Cain presented was odd, but hardly compelling evidence that Master Wright had been murdered. Poking around where he wasn’t wanted would only upset a grieving family.

At the same time, Margot had doubts. Master Wright had gone out of his way to put every conceivable protection on his Teleportation device only for it to detonate minutes before it was to be displayed to the public. It would be foolish to rule out sabotage.

“What’s wrong with my clothes?” Cain asked.

“The Wright family are city elves, born and bred,” Margot said. “Do you want them to take you seriously or not?”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Do you have a suit?” Margot said. “Something with a waistcoat or jacket?”

“Yeah.” He glanced at her sidelong. “You really think I outta change?”

“Yes,” Margot said emphatically. “And leave behind the trench coat.”

Cain had the gall to look wounded. “But…pockets…”

“Master Wright might not have cared, but his son is a dandy if I ever saw one. If you want him to listen to what you have to say, you’ll ditch the coat.”

Cain stuffed a hand into his pockets, pulled out another piece of jerky, and began chewing furiously. An intent look of concentration came across his features. Then he nodded once, sharply, as if coming to a decision.

“All right, we’ll do it your way. But only if you come with me.”

“Oh, no,” Margot said. “You’re not dragging me into this. I’ve already told you, I’m not a detective.”

“Just hear me out. Me showing up dressed to the nines isn’t going to make me seem any more legitimate, trust me. But Wright knows you.”

“That’s a gross exaggeration, but even assuming it wasn’t, the fact remains I don’t know you,” Margot said. “I’m not going to vouch for your credibility as a detective when I haven’t even known you an hour.”

Cain jabbed what was left of his jerky in her direction. “Let me finish before going off making assumptions. You don’t have to do anything except be there. We don’t even have to come in together if you don’t want. The way I figure it, we could both show up saying we want to see how Mr. Wright is doing and let the conversation play out as it may. All you have to do is confirm I was there when the rig blew to smithereens and helped carry his sorry butt away from the blast site. A little goodwill can go a long way, but he’s gotta believe in that goodwill before I can do anything.”

“And what is it you’re trying to get out of visiting Mr. Wright in the hospital?” Margot asked.

Cain grinned a big, dopey grin. “That’s easy. All I’m asking is permission to investigate.”

Margot raised an eyebrow. “Is that all?”

“As it turns out, people don’t like it when you go snooping around for no good reason,” Cain said. He scratched the back of his head ruefully. “So whaddya say, Professor? This case has been an itch I can’t scratch. Without Wright’s permission there’s nothing else I can do. You help me out here, and I’ll get out of your hair for good.”

Margot traced the edge of her coffee mug with her pointer finger, mulling over his proposition. She wasn’t sure how much stock she put in his story about the elven woman, but she did think that the authorities had been too quick to call Master Wright’s death an accident. What was the worst Mr. Wright could do, tell Cain no? What did Margot have to lose by agreeing?

Her gaze flickered to a pile of unfinished lesson plans before settling back on Cain. “How soon can you get ready?”

Cain was waiting for Margot when she arrived at the hospital, looking smart in a green waistcoat that complemented the tone of his skin and brown pants made of worsted wool. The hideous trench coat was nowhere to be found, and Margot noted approvingly that he had even taken the time to get his shoes shined. At the sight of her he gulped down the rest of a sandwich and dusted the crumbs off of his hands.

“How do I look?”

“Your tie’s crooked,” Margot said, reaching up to adjust the knot.

“You really think it’ll make that much of a difference?” Cain asked.

“I don’t know about difference, but it’ll at least give you a chance.” She gave the tie one, final tug. “Remember, I’m not vouching for you. We happened to meet in the lobby, that’s all.”

“That’s enough. Thanks for giving me a chance, Professor.”

They went to the reception desk and asked for directions. The woman looked from Margot’s burn to Cain’s hulking frame, unsure of what to make of them.

“We’re colleagues of Mr. Wright,” Cain said smoothly. “The professor and I were at the conference when it happened. We’ve come to see how he’s doing and offer our condolences.”

The receptionist’s demeanor shifted at the word ‘professor’, and Margot smiled politely. That was enough. While the receptionist scanned through the list of patient names Cain winked impishly at Margot, barely getting his expression under control before she looked up again.

“Just down the hall and to the left, past the general ward. You can’t miss it.”

Cain tipped his hat and strode in the direction she indicated, a ghost of a smile on his lips. Margot raised an eyebrow at him.

“Did you want me along so you could talk to Mr. Wright, or so you could get through the door?” she said under her breath.

The grin widened. “Yep.”

“You could have just asked,” Margot said.

“I did, and you said yes.”

They reached the door that the receptionist indicated. There was no name listed, and it was well away from the general ward, reserved for those who could afford the luxury of privacy. Cain knocked quietly and settled back to wait.

A moment later the door opened to the confused face of an elvish woman dressed from head to foot in mourning. She was young for an elf, not much older than thirty, with fine, delicate features that gave her the fragile appearance of a porcelain doll. Auburn hair was tied into an elaborate twist and pinned under a black veil that had been pushed away from dark brown eyes. Her black dress was made of paramatta silk and trimmed with black crepe, while a black-gloved hand nervously fingered the jet button at her throat.

Cain quickly removed his hat from his head. “I’m sorry to intrude. My name is Dashiell Cain, and this is Professor Margot…” He looked down at Margot with a small frown, realizing for the first time that he didn’t know her last name.

“Mr. Cain and I happened to meet in the lobby and thought we should come up together,” Margot interjected smoothly. “We were both at the mage’s conference and heard Mr. Wright hadn’t been released from the hospital yet. Is he doing well?”

The woman relaxed. “Oh yes, of course. Felix spoke of highly of your work. Come in, come in. The healers say that he should be able to discharge today.”

“Who is it, Isabella?” Felix Wright’s voice called from within the room.

“A lady and a gentleman from the mage’s conference. They’ve come to see how you’re doing.”

It wasn’t often Margot was called a lady by a member of the upper class and half-wondered if this was the woman was the one Cain had been trailing. She shot him a questioning look that he didn’t notice.

“Professor Margot, what a pleasant surprise,” Felix said. He wore dark spectacles over his eyes, and his face looked like it had been badly sunburned, but was otherwise no worse for wear. “And I see you’ve already met my wife, Isabella.”

Isabella smiled demurely while introductions were made. Cain had gone unusually quiet, so Margot took it upon herself to tell of his heroics after the explosion and their ‘coincidental’ meeting in the lobby. At the end of it Felix got up and shook Cain’s hand.

“My good man, I can’t thank you enough. While it’s true the professor’s quick thinking staved off further disaster, you had no way of knowing that and risked your life for my sake anyway. I am in your debt.”

“I did what anyone else would have done,” Cain said softly.

“Untrue,” Felix said. “I’m told you and Professor Margot here were the first to respond to the crisis. Tell me, are you a mage by trade? I don’t believe I’ve heard your name before.”

“I know some magic, but I wouldn’t call myself a mage,” Cain admitted. “I’m a private investigator out of the Pinkerton Agency, formally Westmacott Investigations.”

“Westmacott…wasn’t that the fellow who foiled the counterfeiting ring?” Felix asked.

“The very same,” Cain said. “And if I’m not mistaken, your father knew him as well. Wonderful man, Mr. Westmacott was. Never stumbled across a case he couldn’t crack.”

Felix’s face went very still. He turned to his wife. “Isabella, darling, why don’t you see how the children are doing. The boys have been particularly rambunctious of late, and I didn’t like the look of that nanny’s face.”

“Of course.”

Isabella hurried from the room, her hand drifting to a small swell of her belly not quite masked by the layers of clothing. Felix waited to speak even after the door latched closed. It was difficult to see where he was looking behind his glasses, but Margot got the impression that he was studying Cain intently, and wasn’t quite sure to make of what he found.

“Am I understanding you correctly if I say that my father was in need of Mr. Westmacott’s services?” he asked finally.

“Not recently, but yes,” Cain said. “I remember him coming in three years ago.”

“Three years? But that…? Never mind,” Felix said.

“You were under the impression Master Wright had made use of Mr. Westmacott’s services more recently?” Cain asked.

“That’s just it, I don’t know,” Felix said irritably. He gestured to some spare chairs before flopping onto his hospital bed. “You might as well sit down and forget I said anything. I was staring right at the thing when it blew, and the flash nearly burned my eyes out. Nearly going blind gives a fellow quite a bit of time to think. I don’t care what they say in schools these days, too much thinking isn’t good for you.”

Cain and Margot settled into the chairs and waited for him to say more. When he didn’t, Cain ventured, “I’m sorry for your loss. Your father was a great man.”

“So I’ve been told,” Felix said. He laced his hands across his stomach and stared at the ceiling. “I still can’t believe it. After all the work we put in, and it was all for nothing. No investor is going to want to touch his research now.”

“Investors?” Margot said.

“My dear Professor, more than anything else my father wanted to see mass Teleportation become a reality in his lifetime. Everything he did was to further his research, and that includes hiring me to help sell it to the public. He would scold me for being sentimental if I let something as trivial as his death stand in the way of that.”

He said the words evenly, the same way one would state a simple fact: Grass is green, the sky blue, and Felix Wright considered potential investors more important than mourning his father’s death. It took all of Margot’s will not to let the disgust show on her face.

“You saw him before it happened,” Felix continued. “It wasn’t like him to be that distracted.”

Cain leaned forward. “How long had he been distracted?”

“Who’s asking,” Felix said, “the detective, or the heroic bystander who happened to be in the right place at the right time?”

“I don’t know what you…”

“Let’s not be coy with one another, Mr. Cain,” Felix said coolly. “You saved my life at that conference. I respect you for that, truly I do, but I don’t believe for one moment that simple altruism brought you came here today. If it’s money you want, you can get out right now, but if you’ve come as a detective—a student of Conan Westmacott, no less—then we can talk.”

Cain leaned back in his chair, resting his hat on his knee. “Most detectives end up getting paid, Mr. Wright. Who’s to say I’m not here for both?”

The answer stunned Felix Wright, and for a moment Margot thought that he was going to throw them both out. Then a slow, oily smile spread across his face and he laughed a sharp, barking laugh.

“You got me there, sir. Yes, I suppose it’s true, most detectives do get paid for their work. I’ll grant you that much. So don’t think my father’s death was an accident?”

“I don’t think anything yet, but I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t worth investigating.”

“Fair enough.” Felix turned to Margot. “And what about you, Professor? Did you truly meet this man by accident today, or do you share his sentiments?”

Margot crossed her arms. “To be honest, I’m not sure what to think.”

Felix nodded. “I agree it sounds preposterous, but that makes it no less true. Mr. Cain, it is my belief that my father was murdered, and it was my sister who killed him. If you can prove this to be true I’ll make sure you’re handsomely rewarded for your efforts.”

“And if my investigation leads to a different conclusion?” Cain said, tilting his head thoughtfully. 

“It won’t,” Felix said, “and I can prove it.”

[racingtoaredlight]

My MLB All-Star Ballot

This year’s MLB All-Star game is set to be played on July 11th at Marlins Park in Miami. Thankfully, the game will no longer determine home-field advantage for the World Series, so we can enjoy it as a goofy, standalone exhibition as the Baseball Gods intended. The actual rosters for the two teams will be announced at 7 PM this Sunday on ESPN, but they will be wrong and dumb. I’ve exhaustively crunched the numbers, and viewed every pitch of the entire season multiple times from various angles. Based on this vast knowledge base, I’ve put together the ultimate All-Star team starting lineups. Today, we’re covering the American League. Let’s take a gander.

Catcher - Salvador Perez. The Royals went from likable, out-of-nowhere underdog contenders to annoying, instigating asshats in record time. That said, Sal Perez is very difficult to dislike. Also, he’s on pace to have his best offensive season ever, his defense remains solid, and he plays more games than damn near any catcher in baseball. This is one of the easiest choices on the ballot.

First Base - Yonder Alonso. I’m not sure what’s more surprising, the fact that Yonder is the most deserving AL 1B, or that the choice came down to him or Logan Morrison. Make no mistake though, Yonder is having a great season. He remade his swing in the offseason in an effort to hit more balls in the air, and the results have been great. It’s all the more impressive when you add in the fact that he plays his home games in the cavernous Oakland Coliseum. 

Second Base - Jose Altuve. This was another easy choice, as Altuve has established himself as one of the very best players in MLB. He’s in the midst of his fourth consecutive season of being in the MVP conversation, and his team is the best in baseball. This is a slam dunk.

Shortstop - Carlos Correa. This was a brutally tough decision. Correa, Xander Bogaerts, Francisco Lindor, and Elvis Andrus all have a strong case to start the All-Star game. In addition to those guys, Andrelton Simmons is so otherworldly defensively that even replacement-level offensive production makes him a very valuable player. Having said all of that, Bogaerts is lacking in home runs, Lindor’s batting average is lagging, Simmons’ offense isn’t enough, and Andrus is a sieve on defense. Correa has the hardest case to poke holes in, which when added to the fact that his team is great gives him the nod. 

Third Base - Jose Ramirez. I figured this spot would belong to Manny Machado for a solid decade, but his down year combined with Ramirez’ excellence makes Jose the clear choice this season. Francisco Lindor gets the lion’s share of adulation among Cleveland infielders, but Jose Ramirez has quietly been every bit as good. I hope he really does end up starting in Miami.

Outfield - Aaron Judge. As much as it pains me to put him here, there’s no denying that he’s been an absolute monster. His offensive numbers are completely ridiculous, and he’s somehow a perfectly cromulent defensive outfielder despite being the size of Gregor Clegane. I hate him. 

Outfield - George Springer.  Damn, no wonder the Astros are wrecking everybody. I’m a bit disappointed that Springer seems to have abandoned stealing bases, as he seemed like a solid bet to put up a 30 HR/30SB season at some point, and those are always fun. Pretty tough to complain about what he’s doing, though.

Outfield - Mookie Betts. This last outfield slot was a tough call. There really isn’t a whole lot of separation between Mookie, Lorenzo Cain, and Corey Dickerson. Dickerson has had the best offensive season, but he’s abysmal defensively, resulting in him starting 40+ games at DH. Cain and Betts are nearly identical statistically. I went with Mookie because Kansas City isn’t a very good team and they already have one guy starting, while the Red Sox are leading their division and should be represented. It’s totally not because I’m a gigantic homer, I swear. FACK YOU!

Starting Pitcher - Chris Sale. Ugh, I really can’t stand Chris Sale. He’s basically the living embodiment of the emotionally-stunted manchild baseball player dipshit. There’s no denying that he’s an awesome pitcher, though. He’s been so much better than every other AL starting pitcher that it would be ridiculous to put anyone else here. Maybe if injuries hadn’t taken starts away from Dallas Keuchel he could’ve made a run at it, but alas it wasn’t meant to be. Lance McCullers, Chris Archer, Luis Severino and Jason Vargas(!) are the runners up, but they aren’t all that close to Sale. I hope the All-Star uniforms are baggy as fuck and that Sale tries to cut them to shreds with scissors.

Well, there you have it. The undisputed cream of the American League crop. Tune in next time for the National Leaguers.