#and it’s so frustrating to have this disorder AND an emotional attachment to the situation (having been a fan for so long before all this)

[royalbilliards]

i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hi just wanted to stop by and say that I love your blog :)

I also wanted to ask if you’ve heard of or know anything about maladaptive daydreaming (MADD) and autism?

I stumbled across it while searching on the internet, and it seems to be extremely common among ADHD and autistic neurodivergent folk. It also describes a lot of my symptoms related to hyper-fixation, stimming, and interoception difficulties pretty well.

This website has some papers and information on it, including articles about the relationship between MADD and autism (including some on autism that came out this year. Their publications list covers a lot of topics related to MADD, but you can search for the ones related to autism). https://daydreamresearch.wixsite.com/md-research/publications

Thanks in advance for your advice and thoughts!

Hi there,

I found another article talking about it from a personal experience. Here are a few excerpts:

If the term “maladaptive daydreaming” is new to you, too, don’t feel bad; it wasn’t even coined until 2002, thanks to Dr. Eli Somer. Even so, it is not an official diagnosis or condition, and its existence remains controversial.

Additionally, we’re not sure if it’s a separate condition or a symptom of a larger disorder, such as ADHD or OCD. Some cases may also be caused by trauma—the daydreamer uses these extensive fantasies as a coping mechanism. And yes, many on the autism spectrum report having this problem, as well.

Here are the main “symptoms” of maladaptive daydreaming:

* Excessive daydreaming

* A repetitive movement (really, a stim) of some sort performed while daydreaming: fiddling with string, chewing something, or bouncing the leg, for example. I would bounce around the perimeter of our family’s trampoline, walk, ride my bike, or spin in a swivel chair while listening to music.

* Daydreams are immersive, usually existing in one continual world or situation, and the daydreamer often becomes highly attached to the characters. It’s akin to reading a book or a series—one world, one cast of characters, different scenes. It wasn’t uncommon for me to daydream one or more scenes many, many times.

* Music may or may not be involved—that is, daydreaming may be initiated or accompanied by playing music.

* Daydreams may be accompanied by very real emotions—joy, frustration, anger, sadness, the like. Perhaps it is not the case with some on the spectrum due to the nature of their disorder, but some daydreamers make facial expressions while daydreaming, too (something I did that made me feel weird and self-conscious).

* Daydreams are so intense, immersive, and frequent that they feel almost real; affected individuals may feel like they’re living two different lives. However, this is different from, say, schizophrenia because the daydreamer knows the daydreams are not real.

* Post-daydream, some feel light-headed or get headaches.

* Daydreams interfere with daily tasks, sleep, and/or relationships with other people.

The full article will be below if you’d like to read it:

…yes I know this refers to children, but it can be applied to any age.

I hope this helps answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[raincamp]

7 - 29 - 23

i was too distracted by good omens 2 yesterday to write anything haha, a good thing though, because it meant that i was distracted from the emotions im experiencing in real life. i instead spent all of yesterday in mourning with crowley. i feel like he and i are going through similar issues right now, it was nice to feel like i had someone (fictional) who understood, and also had somewhere (fictional) to put all my feelings.

he is so BPD coded — i can't even begin to talk about it

anyway, today i spent most of my time with my best friend (M) who i think i have yet to mention here? she's kind of a FP— or she used to be— or, i honestly don't know at this point. since i figured out my therapist is a FP of mine, it feels like maybe M has become less of one? or maybe it just feels like that in comparison. its all so confusing sometimes to put labels on things. but i think whats important is that i have an attachment to her that is sometimes on the unhealthy side, but our relationship remains stable because we both put in the work to make it that way despite my unhealthy attachment.

we went to a cafe and i talked a lot about therapy, which was nice, she's a psychology major so she loves hearing about me and my disorder and my therapy, and she's also really insightful about relationships so she had a lot to add, it was kind of reassuring, but i did also accidentally trigger myself and started talking some very obvious BPD-cognitive-distortion-bullshit about my therapist which was kind of humiliating. she was understanding though— immediately called me out on it. and then suggested we do something else because she could tell it was distressing me.

i fear that i might start becoming emotionally dependent on her again now that my therapist has cut me off. i dont think it would be too bad, because of the stability of our relationship, however i do have feelings about that potential situation, because i dont particularly enjoy being dependent on anybody. it makes me feel guilty and ashamed of myself, and kind of frustrated because i can't seem to just be independent. the concept seems to be totally foreign to me.

i was going to try to hang out with another of my friends today too, but she didnt answer my 15 phone calls, and i kind of split on her too :') im having a rough time right now. idk why im getting so easily triggered all of a sudden.

maybe i just have more emotional vulnerability now? hm. its difficult figuring this kind of stuff out without her, my therapist, i miss her. i need her.

everything just feels kind of empty and hollow without my therapist in my life. like. i know im technically only missing seeing her for 2 days, but theres weeks in between those two days, and those weeks start to feel like years when it's somebody im so dependent on. so i feel like i've lost so much.

M was talking about how its possible my therapist withdrew partly because of how attached i was becoming, and i dont even want to consider that a possibility right now, but i cant stop thinking about it. i dont have control over how attached i become to people, and if thats whats causing her to be so cold towards me— which has been causing me SO much pain— then im gonna be,, idk i'm having a hard time identifying my feelings today. but its essentially telling me that i should be able to stop something i don't have control over in order to have the support that i need. I don't think thats fair.

thats the message im getting from this whole situation anyway though, since it all comes back to an addiction, which I don't have control over.

maybe i just dont deserve mental health support and treatment, i feel like thats just the overall message the universe is trying to convey to me right now. idk what i did to deserve it, but i obviously did something, so ig i should just accept the punishment. nothing i can do about it now.

if my therapist were here she'd call me out on blaming the universe like she always does. but shes not here so she can get fucked. ill stay being delusional if it makes me feel better.

im dissociated as fuck today

- andrew

[ssamja-trash]

cw: seungri

it’s come to a point where my heart rate increases and i get close to an anxiety attack every time seungri’s case is even mentioned. and it sucks because i actually want to be on top of things and know what’s going on. i’m not even reading twitter and very rarely read tumblr so it’s not even the aggressive stuff that gets to me. i’m getting my information from an actual lawyer and from an objective point of view but as someone who has anxiety it’s fucking hard to listen to and i hate it.

[deerbornintuitive]

Halloween Pick A Pile!

Hello, and welcome to your free pick a pile reading for Samhain/Halloween 🎃 Apologies as I meant to share this earlier! Today, we’re using the following spread…

Card 1) What trick should you be wary of?

Card 2) What treats are coming your way?

Card 3) How can you honor this night?  

 In this reading, you’re provided with messages for your personal spiritual journey. The messages received from Spirit are channeled for you based on whichever pile’s energy resonates with you most. Take the time to clear your mind and relax before choosing your pile.  Because this is a collective reading, please take what resonates, and leave the rest. If you’d like a personalized seasonal themed reading, book yours here!

 I have intuitively chosen a different deck to answer each question…

For the first card, I will pull from the Wild Unknown Archetypes

  For the second card, I will pull the Light Seer’s Tarot

 And for the third card, I will pull from the Dreamscapes Oracle

  Now it's time to choose one from the piles below:

Take a moment to sit with it, and listen to the one with calls to you or nudges at your gut instinct...

  Scroll down to find yours!

Pile reveals below...

    Are you ready?

     Pile A

Card 1: The Medallion reversed

What trick should you be wary of?

There are old habits and old ways which keep you anchored to some past pain. This energy involves your family or your close circle. Set aside time for reflection, so you can become more mindful of and pinpoint the things you have inherited which burden or block you. 

 Card 2: Death/Rebirth

What treats are coming your way?

The energy of this season is aligning beautifully for releasing the old. You’re being aligned with an opportunity to let these old parts of you die, so that you're able to travel lighter, and can grow in new ways. Let go of these old ideas, memories, and/or habits which no longer serve you. Create the space in your heart and mind, so that you're able to fulfill your highest potential!

It’s worth noting that the Death card corresponds with Scorpio Season. You are entangled in the change and transformation of this season! You will reach the other side feeling refreshed and ready for what's to come.

  Card 3: Sun Bear

How can you honor this night?

At its surface, this card invites you to get on in the sun! Spend time in nature. If you can’t get real sunshine, store-bought is fine; use a Seasonal Affective Disorder lamp (best results happen in the morning hours) or begin taking Vitamin D supplements daily (consult your Doc for your ideal dosage). To make it witchier, bathe in the moonlight!

Digging deeper, Sun Bear calls upon you to give attention to the state of your Solar Plexus chakra, located in your abdominal area. This energy center is responsible for your willpower, confidence, and mental energies. Listen to your intuition while tuning into this chakra, and let it help guide you. What sensations, emotions, colors, and thoughts arise while you're focused on your Solar Plexus?

The Sun Bear is known as a great healer across many cultures. Giving this attention to your Solar Plexus chakra will be a healing experience for you overall, bringing you into a better state of harmony and balance.

Make time for solar plexus healing. See below for ideas….

• Breathe deeply

• Break out of your comfort zone and routine

• Stop victimizing yourself, if you tend to do so

• Set goals

• Let go of unhealthy attachments

• Find humor in your situation and learn to laugh at yourself

• Heal with crystals such as citrine, amber, tiger’s eye, or yellow calcite  

• Repeat affirmations such as, “I am strong,” “I can,” “I am persistent,” “I am worthy of success,” “I will,” “I can face every challenge.”

       PILE B

Card 1: The flame sideways/reversed

What trick should you be wary of?

Watch out for anything that takes too much of your power, leaving you in darkness; or for anything which ignites excessive heat and frustration, making your fire too hot and bright. Pay attention to what makes you feel powerless and/or angry— this is going to be your signal for change right now. You're learning to use your inner flame for the right cause, and can still find that your focus is misled from time to time.

This card could be pointing a shadow aspect that needs attention or an issue which needs your energy. Use the flame to light up the dark. Alternatively, or additionally, the card invites you to go for what you're passionate about, without holding back.

 Card 2: 10 of Swords

What treats are coming your way? 

At its surface, Spirit is inviting you to get out and watch the sunrise for the 31st, or at some point this week. There’s a beautiful sight waiting for you, which speaks to your Soul and soothes you at a deep level.

Digging deeper into this card, it appears that for some of you, you are being gifted an ending. The card depicts the sun rising after a dark night of the Soul. This ending can be painful, but is usually something you’ve expected. It had likely been troubling you for some time, though the resolution can still shake you up.

Finally it’s over, and there is beauty. You’re being given the chance to rediscover your hope and resiliency. Allow your wounds to teach you your greatest strengths. Let these wounds show you how capable you are of healing and seeing beauty once again.

There’s a bright, colorful new dawn waiting. Give your Soul the deep healing it’s been craving by giving into the ending. The worst is behind you. The truth all comes to light in time; any illusions on the matter will be lifted.

 Card 3: Harpy Eagle

How can you honor this night?

Harpy Eagle relates to the messages your Spirit Guides are presently trying to send to you. These messages come to you through your dreams and visions. This energy is exceptionally strong right now. Do your best to open up to receiving. Set the intention, meditate, speak to the Spirits, perform a ritual, journal, whatever you'd like to do that works for you or calls to you! Then, harness the present energies around you and ask for whatever guidance or assistance you need.

Be patient, and trust what information Spirit is sending you-- this connection will be strong. Their message can come as a sudden epiphany, an inspiration, a sudden knowing, or a vision.

It's possible that your Guides are attempting to help you out with something that's off-balance or in need of changing in your life. While you reflect on this, pay attention for gut nudges and signs to point you in the right direction. 

        PILE C

Card 1: The Ring reversed

What trick should you be wary of?

Take note of the negative cycle in your life which has been repeating. This serves to hold you back. What situations or feelings keep making their way back around to you? In what area do you feel like you’re going in a loop? Is there anything you feel like you’re forcing right now?

Surrender to the flow and allow your awareness to open up. Within this repeated cycle is the answer to a question and/or a solution to your problem. Locating the repeated cycle enables you to break free.

  Card 2: The Chariot

What treats are coming your way? 

At it’s surface, this card points to traveling and getting away from town. You could be traveling for this holiday, or in the least getting out and experiencing the world, out of your typical routine.

Digging deeper into this card's meaning, it indicates motivation and determination to see your goal and vision through. You’ll notice that your mental energies are clear. It will be easier in the coming days for you to focus on reaching wherever or whatever your destination may be. Harness this energy toward your projects, and tackle any chores or obstacles you've been putting off this week. What you set out to do, you will be successful at!

The Chariot also has strong Solar Plexus chakra energies— helping you to feel confident, strong, and able to handle whatever life throws your way. 

 Card 3: Rabbit and Fox

How can you honor this night?  

On this evening, leave an offering for your ancestors. Offerings are a way to cultivate your relationship with your Spirits. Set up an altar— a nice space on a table of shelf— with their photos, items of theirs, things with sentimental value, pieces of nature, crystals, candles (really whatever you’d like). 

Keep it simple with whatever you can give, without spending money or going through any extremes. This could be a bowl of water you’ve blessed, a cup of coffee, dried herbs, flowers, shells, or rocks you’ve collected. Traditionally, people will offer fruit, wine, or flowers. Leave your offerings with the knowing that your Ancestors are nearby, sharing their light and love with you.

This card represents the story of the rabbit in the moon, a very old tale, which has been told across multiple cultures. There are different version, but the story goes that one day, a Goddess decided to disguise herself as a dirty beggar to test the animal’s spirit and generosity. The Monkey gathered for her fruit from the trees; the Fox brought her meat. The Rabbit only knew how to gather grass. He felt it wasn’t enough for the human, so instead offered her his fur, so that the human could be kept warm in the days to come. The Goddess then revealed herself to the Rabbit, and to honor his offering and sacrifice, instead spared his life, and drew the Rabbit on the Moon for all to see.

Moral of the story: Spirits and Ancestors understand the intent behind your offering; you do not have to go to extremes.

The Rabbit in the Moon; Source philosophyofscience 

     I hope you enjoyed your reading!

Thank you so much for taking part in this reading! Please feel welcome to leave your questions and feedback below. Personalized seasonal readings can be found here. Other Aura and Tarot readings can be found here. Blessed Samhain!

 Courtney Deerborn

[my-emotional-self]

Toxic Love Chapter 7

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing.  But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings:  18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy), mentions of suicide, flashbacks of suicide, nightmares

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story!  I apologize in advance!

8 Years Ago – Age 17

“Y/N, do you know why you are here?” the shrink asked from across the large desk.  You looked down at the typical uniform of a patient at a psychiatric ward.  Yes you knew why you were in here.  A few months ago you witnessed your father’s dead corpse hanging in your living room.  The next thing you knew you were writing a suicide note of your own and your foster parents found it before you could do anything.  Now, you were stuck in a psych ward, probably until you at least turned 18.

“Yep,” came your short response.  

The shrink glanced down at her papers in front of her, going through all of your notes.  “We want to help you as best we can Y/N.  You’ve been through some very traumatic experiences in your life and you’ve witnessed a great deal.  We are going to get you all the help you need.”

3 Months Later

“Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder Y/N?” your psychiatrist, Dr. Wang asked.  

That made your head snap in her direction.  Here you were, still stuck in the psych ward after three months and you weren’t sure why.  “I’ve heard of that, yes.  But I thought I was just depressed,” you mumbled, chewing on your fingernail.  

You were clinically diagnosed with depression shortly after coming here.  

“Well, that’s what we originally thought at first.  But the longer you’ve spent time here, the more I and the rest of the staff have discovered it is BPD.  You’re intense mood swings, combined with your ongoing feelings of emptiness and the intense bouts of anger you have are all signs of BPD. We are going to switch up your medications and that will really help with your mood swings and anger issues.

~~~

 No matter how hard you tried, sleep never came to you that afternoon.  You tossed and turned all afternoon in your bed and nothing seemed to be working.  Not only that, but you were really starting to get more irritable as the day went on and you knew it was time to change the dosing of your medication.  It was like clockwork, every year to year and a half. The only problem was that you couldn’t leave the tower without Steve, Bucky or an anyone else.  How were you supposed to get an appointment with your Psychiatrist if you couldn’t leave the tower alone?  This only increased your anger and frustration as you got out of bed to get ready.    

You brushed your teeth and put on a some jeans and a t-shirt, not really caring what you threw on. All of the specific clothing you wore for work was in the closet of your game room along with your makeup and accessories.  

Upon leaving your room, you saw Steve and Bucky sitting at the island in the kitchen of your shared apartment.  They both looked deep in thought over some paperwork and you assumed it was for work.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the kitchen, you were about to head into the elevator as you didn’t want to disturb them, but Steve spoke up and caught your attention.  “Where are you off to?”

“Oh, umm, I’m heading down to my game room.  I’m going to work tonight,” you mumbled out as you pressed the button for the elevator. You noticed it was on the ground floor and it would take a few minutes to get to your level.  

“What time do you plan on being done?” Steve questioned.  

You huffed in annoyance, already irritated as anger began to creep through your bones.  “I don’t know.  Whenever I get done,” you snapped.  Immediately you felt regret, but sometimes your emotions got the better of you when you were in dire need of a medication change.  

“Hey, what’s with the attitude?” Steve commanded as he got up from his seat and stalked over to you, hands on his hips.  You noticed Bucky looking at you from his seat with furrowed brows.  They had never seen you angry like this.  You were always so compliant and easy going.  

“Look, I’m sorry.  I’m just tired is all.”

Steve looked at you sharply, his lips in a thin tight line.  “Alright.  Just make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time tonight.  Promise?”

“I promise,” you answered back.  

~~~

In the comfort of your game room, you quickly got to work.  Digging through your closet, you decided on a light pink tank top that said ‘Gamer Girl’ in black letters with two gamer controls on it.  Since your webcam only showed your top half, you threw on a black pair of cotton shorts to be comfortable.  

Next, you put your hair up in space buns, making sure they were situated just right so they wouldn’t be in the way of your headphones.  You put on your typical game night makeup: bright pink eyeshadow with dark smoked out liner, some mascara and blush and you were good to go.  

Turning on your monitor, you began to power everything up and once that was done, you logged in. Immediately your followers started putting in their messages off to the side and you smiled as you read them. You always tried to read as much of them as you could.  

As the night went on, you knew you should pack it up and listen to what Steve said; getting to bed at a descent time and getting rest.  But you were having way too much fun tonight and so were your followers. It was one of the best nights you’d had in months and not just money wise.  

Ignoring the clock you continued to play and interact with your followers with the microphone that was attached to your headphones.  Every so often you would glance to your messages box and see what some of them had said.  Most of them were cheering you on but of course you always had some haters in there as well.  

It was when you noticed the screen name of one of them that made your blood run cold.  JSmith20. ‘It can’t be’ you thought to yourself, trying to keep as composed as possible as hundreds of people were watching you game in this very moment.  

John’s last name is Smith and he always told you how his favorite number was 20, because that was how old you were when you met him.  No, but he’s still in prison.  He hasn’t gotten out.  He’ll be in there for many more years to come.  It had to be one of his friends right?  The same friend that had been delivering those letters to your old apartment.  ‘Yes, that’s right.  It’s just one of his friends trying to torment you’ you thought to yourself.  

Then, the person behind that screen name typed a message into your message box.  

Hey babe.  Do you miss me yet?  I can’t wait to see you – J

Yep, your composure went out the window reading the message.   Then another message from him popped up.  

I see you are no longer living in that little one bedroom apartment.  Did you really think you could up and move and I wouldn’t be able to find you?  Oh babe, how cute.  I will find you and we will meet again soon.  I promise – J

As you stared at the words on your screen, you heard groans from the other players on your team.  You had just lost the game.  

“Shit,” you swore, anger bubbling up inside of you.  “Fucking damnit!”  You slammed your fist on the desk.  

You rarely lost games. Losing always put you in a foul mood. But because of already being irritable and your emotions on over drive, losing just made everything worse.  

Looking at the clock it was just before five in the morning so you logged off and shut everything down.

You took your hair out of the buns, immediately feeling the tension in your head ease.  Ever so quietly, you opened the door and poked your head out into the hallway.  It was bitch black so you used your phone as a flashlight and tiptoed to the elevator. Before pressing the button on the elevator, you paused.  What if the noise of the elevator woke up Steve or Bucky?  You had promised Steve that you would get to bed at a descent time and seeing as it was just about five in the morning, well, you kind of figured you’d be in trouble.  

Instead, you opened the door to the stairs which was situated right next to the elevator.  At least taking the stairs would be much quieter.

You climbed the stairs up a few levels until you reached your living level and you waited on baited breath for a few moments.  Nothing. Nothing but silence.  As quiet as a mouse, you snuck through the door and dashed to your room, thanking your lucky stars that the palm scanner didn’t make any noise.  

You took a nice hot shower, washing off all of your makeup and the stress of the last few hours.  As much as you wanted to forget John messaging you, it wasn’t going to happen, neither was any sleep.  

Rather than even bothering to get into bed and try to relax, you sent an email to your psychiatrist letting her know that you would more than likely need a dose change on your medications.  Frantically typing away at the email, you explained how you were beginning to get irritated and it was harder for you to control your bouts of anger.  

Luckily for you, Dr. Wang was an early bird and she emailed you right back.  She wanted you to come see her for an appointment and your heart immediately dropped.  That wasn’t going to happen as one of your rules was that you weren’t allowed out of the tower by yourself.  And as much as you liked Darcy, you couldn’t trust her to go with you and not say anything to Steve or Bucky.  

Typing out your reply, you explained that you were unfortunately not able to meet in person and if there was anything else that could be done.  After you hit sent, you began to pace in your apartment, clearly on edge with everything going on.  You just wanted to feel better; you hated feeling this way.  It was as if you weren’t in control of your body and you definitely weren’t in control of your emotions.  

A notification came through your laptop and you rushed towards it, almost tripping over your feet. As you read her words, you could have cried right then and there.  She had agreed to a phone call appointment and she had time right now to discuss things with you.  

Grasping your phone, you dialed her number.

“It’s good to hear from you Y/N,” Dr. Wang stated as she answered the phone.  

“Oh Dr. Wang it is so good to hear your voice.”

She let out a soft chuckle. “Yes, it has been a little over six months since we’ve last spoken.  How are things going with you?”

“Where to begin,” you started off saying.  You let her know that you indeed met your soulmates and had moved in with them. You went over the rules that Steve had given you and she made you feel better as she stated she had seen way worse rules.  Hell, she said your rules were like a walk in the park compared to some she has heard.

“Alright, now, let’s get down to business.  How are you feeling these past few days?” she asked curiously.  

“Ugh, not good. Moving was stressful but I have been feeling really irritated over the last few and I’ve had a few bouts of anger rush through me that makes me want to punch something, but I’ve luckily been able to hold back on that.”

“What about any risky behaviors such as reckless driving, spending sprees, binge eating, drug abuse or sabotaging anything positive in your life?”

“Not yet,” you stated. You knew the routine.  She was going over all the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder to see what has changed with you.  

“Ok good.  How about any intense fears of abandonment or rejection?”

That question always hit you like a punch to the gut.  The only reason you had stayed with John for so long was because of that right there. He purposely wouldn’t let you see Dr. Wang or he wouldn’t take you to get your medications refilled and because of that, you were starting to feel those feelings; not wanting to be abandoned no matter what.  

“Nope,” you replied.  

“Ok then.  I am going to increase the dosing on your current medications but I want to warn you.  Without you coming in and personally seeing me and without getting some blood work done, I don’t know how well this dosing is going to work, if it will work at all. We might need to discuss changing the medication all together,” she stated.  

“I understand Dr. Wang. And do you think maybe you could prescribe some sort of sleep medication for me too?”

“I can prescribe a one week trial of a sleeping medication for you.  After that, I really need you to try and come see me in the office and we can discuss that further.  Now, did you want me to send these prescriptions into your regular pharmacy?”

“Yes, that would be great. Thank you so much Dr. Wang.”

“No worries at all Y/N. Give the office a call and get an appointment set up.”

“I will.  Thanks again.”

Now that you had your medications all taken care of, you had to figure a way to leave the tower so you could get them.  

[modern-inheritance]

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but do you have any Oromis/Morzan headcanons? Before or during the fall, or Oromis’ feelings towards Morzan afterwards?

I have a few! More than a few apparently, I'm just finishing this up and uh...yeah that got longer than I thought!

I’m going to do my best to leave Glaedr and Morzan’s dragon out of these because while they’re large parts of each other's lives and even maybe personalities considering how deeply bonded Riders and their dragons can be, I want to be sure I’m keeping the characters separate. Kinda like how you shouldn’t constantly group identical twins together as a single entity, ya know?

Alright let's start off with Morzan. Time for some backstory!

Modern Inheritance!Morzan

Morzan was born into a family of low level nobles. By the time Morzan was about six or seven though, the family had fallen out of favor and was struggling to keep up appearances, spending money they didn’t necessarily have on lavish items and acting increasingly narcissistic in a desperate attempt to hold onto the standing and power they once had.

Morzan probably started showing antisocial behavior around this time, mainly impulsive petty theft, inserting himself in dangerous situations, and manipulation through charm with adults and intimidation and violence with other children. Due to his family’s last shreds of political strength and their long time in the area, most of these incidents were swept under the rug or outright ignored by his family. This generally left a very angry, disgusted-with-others, burgeoning narcissistic young Morzan to his own devices.

When Morzan was chosen by his dragon, his parents were quietly glad that he wouldn’t be their responsibility anymore. They didn’t disclose any of his troubling behaviors and Morzan was quick to understand that he would need to tamp the more obvious ones down and manipulate others into hiding his transgressions.

Despite all this, Morzan and his dragon do deeply care for each other. Due to Morzan’s mind linking with the hatchling, there was a sort of evening out of his behaviors as some were ‘shared’ do the hatchling and some of the hatchling’s personality was ‘shared’ with Morzan. This is what helped Morzan fly under the radar for so much longer until his eventual betrayal.

On a lighter note, Morzan shot up like a weed when he hit puberty, once growing nearly five inches (~12.7 cm) over the span of a year. It took a year or so for his muscles to visibly bulk up, so he was this tall gangly teenager for a while. His clothes constantly needed altering.

Initially Morzan doesn’t really know what to think of Oromis and Glaedr. His family was always distracted from giving him the attention and nurturing he needed, and suddenly he has not only this baby dragon who he can share his frustrations and emotions with but also parental figures.

Eventually he warmed up to them, but more in the sense that he became attached to their attention and the praise he got when he did well in magic and other lessons. He didn’t showboat as much, but would push himself to get more compliments, praise and attention from Oromis. Oromis saw this more as Morzan taking his training seriously. There were a few instances of Morzan and his dragon being pointed out as instigators of some scuffles or small acts of possible, unproven acts of sabotage harming or tripping up other Riders-in-training, but these were generally believed to be accidents or bad luck.

Morzan’s bullying and belittling of Brom was the result of Morzan feeling like his unfettered access to Oromis and Glaedr’s attention was being threatened. He knew he couldn’t get away with physically injuring Brom and Saphira I, so his physical actions never really went past ‘accidental’ full force hits in sparring and roughhousing. If Brom got praise or compliments from Oromis, Morzan would seethe quietly, eventually exploding in rage at some later point after it built up. Again, Oromis merely thought this was just adolescent growing pains.

Wooo! That is getting LONG, eh? I’ve got more, but for now I’m going to move on to Oromis and his feelings around Morzan’s betrayal and link you to whatever extra stuff I add later. I’m really unsure about the timeline of when Morzan betrayed the Riders and when it was known that he had, so I’m mostly going to skip that chunk. Let's go!

Modern Inheritance!Oromis

Even without 100% knowing/being sure of Morzan’s betrayal, I think there was a whirlwind of confusion and general chaos when Galbatorix murdered Shurikan’s original Rider. Who was a child. A Rider had murdered a child Rider and while everyone knew Galbatorix was unstable I don’t think anyone would have expected that. Oromis was swept up in all this and didn’t have time to really ask where Morzan was. I mean, Morzan was a grown man at that point and well beyond Oromis’s control.

Morzan’s involvement was probably confirmed without a doubt at the initial attack on Ilirea, and Oromis and Glaedr didn’t have time to process this until after their brief capture.

Oromis felt some really strong guilt. That’s putting it bluntly.  Let’s expand it, shall we?

First off, I think Oromis felt some guilt over not being able to help in the sort of final big battle at Ilirea. He was previously quite powerful since he was on the council that refused Galbatorix a new dragon (that’s a whole other topic to look at later on btw), and despite his age and wisdom I think it’s safe to assume that any sudden event causing massive life changes can be pretty shocking. Oromis felt powerless and after the deaths that occured in Galbatorix’s initial attack with the Forsworn on the Riders, I think he knew that there would be more. And all he and Glaedr could do was hide in Ellesméra and tend to their wounds and new maladies.

As they healed I’m pretty sure Oromis spent a lot of time thinking ‘how could I have stopped this?’ Hindsight is...well, whatever-elves-have/20, and Oromis would have put all the signs together that were telling him that there was something off about Morzan from the start. He probably thought subconsciously that he was fixing Morzan and didn’t want to acknowledge just how dangerous that little 10 year old boy and scrawny hatchling he had met all those years ago had become as he grew. There was also a lot of guilt post-Ilirea’s final fall around not protecting Brom from Morzan enough, and feeling like a lot of Brom’s pain was Oromis’s own fault because of this.

Oh man, Oromis also has heaps of survivors guilt about the Riders that, while he does work through it and focuses on extending his life to train the next Rider, never really fades completely. He understands that he could not fight in his condition, but there’s always the nagging ‘what if’ questions that can rear up unexpectedly.

Once he learns of Murtagh and Thorn and their forced fealty to Galbatorix, I think Oromis’s guilt probably pushed him over to definitely join the fight at Gil’ead. It’s likely that he feels that if he had separated Brom and Morzan, had taken the signs of Morzan’s growing antisocial disorder seriously and gotten him proper help, and hadn’t been so blind during the Golden Age, then in some strange way he may have prevented everything from happening. Morzan wouldn’t have let Galbatorix into Ilirea, Shruikan wouldn’t have been stolen, the Forsworn wouldn’t have been influenced by Galbatorix and Morzan (who used his manipulative charm to sway some), and it all comes to, in the end, Murtagh and Thorn, both relatively innocent in this and dragged in only due to parentage and some situations which they have no control over, would have never been forced through torture and cruelty to join Galbatorix and fight people they once saw as friends and family.

Overall I think Oromis, while having processed/processing and come to terms with the Riders Fall and the hand he inadvertently had in it due to his connection to and, in some ways, his failures surrounding Morzan, he still carries this deep feeling of guilt. He doesn’t let it simply sit there though, as he pushes himself to be able to train the next generation, but it’s always there.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH okay that’s what I’ve got for now. Holy shit that’s a lot of bulletpoints, huh? 

I spent some time researching antisocial behavior and Antisocial Personality Disorder, but per usual I want to state that I am by no means an expert, and the behaviors and traits portrayed here are not the only results, symptoms, or scenarios that can occur when someone has antisocial behavior or ASPD. Mental health is a difficult subject to write about, especially when I have no personal or second hand experience with the specifics, and I’m always open to educating myself on these topics. I am doing my best to learn so that I don’t stereotype or offend. If there are comments/concerns/critique please please don’t ever feel bad about messaging me privately, via the comments, via reblog, or through the ask box point out what I got wrong or if you simply want to share your experiences or concerns. 

I’ll probably have more Morzan specific backstory and ideas later on, but for now I need to make some dinner and get to work on the other ask. Cheers!

Thank you again to @siriusly-misunderstood-creatures​ for the ask! I always appreciate asks and comments, they make my brain work!!

[laurablog1234]

Depression and how to treat it.

What is depression?

Depression is an emotional disorder that causes a constant feeling of sadness and a loss of interest in doing different activities.Also called "major depressive disorder" or "clinical depression," it affects a person's feelings, thoughts, and behavior and can cause a variety of physical and emotional problems.

More than just a fleeting sadness, depression is not a weakness and one cannot easily recover overnight. Depression may require long-term treatment.

Causes

The exact cause of depression is unknown. As with many mental disorders, you can understand a variety of factors, such as:

1.Biological differences: People with depression have physical changes in the brain. The significance of these changes is still uncertain, but over time they can help identify the causes.

 2.Brain Chemistry: Neurotransmitters are chemicals found naturally in the brain that probably play a role in depression. Recent research indicates that changes in the function and effect of these neurotransmitters, and how they interact with the neurocircuits involved in maintaining mood stability, may play an important role in depression and its treatment

3.Hormones: Changes in the body's hormonal balance may play a role in causing or triggering depression. Hormonal changes can occur in pregnancy and during the weeks or months after delivery (postpartum), and from thyroid problems, menopause, or other disorders.

4.Hereditary traits. Depression is more common in people whose blood relatives also have this disorder. Researchers are looking for genes that may be involved in the origin of depression.

Although depression can occur only once in a lifetime generally, people have several episodes of depression. During these episodes, symptoms occur for much of the day, almost every day, and may include:

Feelings of sadness, crying, emptiness, or hopelessness

Outbursts of anger, irritability, or frustration, even over minor matters

Loss of interest or pleasure from most or all usual activities, such as sex, hobbies, or sports

Sleep disturbances, such as insomnia or sleeping too much

Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks require more effort

Lack of appetite and weight gain, or more food cravings and weight gain

Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness

Slowness to reason, speak, and make body movements

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixation on past failures, or self-blame

Frequent or recurring thoughts about death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or suicide

For many people with depression, the symptoms are often severe enough to cause obvious problems in daily activities, such as work, school, social activities, or relationships with other people. Some people may feel unhappy or sad in general without really knowing why.

Symptoms of depression in children and adolescents

The common signs and symptoms of depression in children and teens are similar to those in adults, but there may be some differences.

In younger children, symptoms of depression can include sadness, irritability, attachment, worry, pain, refusal to go to school, or low weight.

In teens, symptoms can include sadness, irritability, feeling negative and worthless, anger, poor performance or poor school attendance, feeling misunderstood and extremely sensitive, using recreational drugs or alcohol, eating or sleeping too much, self-harm, wasting interest in usual activities and avoiding social interaction.

Symptoms of depression in older adults

Depression is not a normal part of aging, and it should never be taken lightly.Unfortunately, depression is often not diagnosed or treated in older adults, who may be reluctant to seek help.

Symptoms of depression may be different or less obvious in older adults, including:

Memory problems or personality changes

Physical pain

Fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems, or loss of interest in sex that are not the result of illness or medication

Wanting to stay home often, instead of going out to socialize or do new things

Suicidal thoughts or feelings, especially in older men

Risk factor's

Depression typically begins in your teens or early twenties or thirties, but it can appear at any time in life. This disease is diagnosed more in women than in men, but it may be, in part, because women are more likely to seek treatment.Some of the factors that seem to increase the risk of developing or triggering depression are:

Certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, overly self-critical, or pessimistic

Traumatic or stressful situations, such as physical or sexual abuse, the death or loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship, or financial problems

Blood relatives who have a history of depression, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, or suicide

History of other mental health disorders, such as anxiety, eating, or post-traumatic stress disorder

Alcohol or recreational drug abuse

A serious or chronic illness, such as cancer, stroke, chronic pain, or heart disease

Certain medications, such as those for high blood pressure or sleeping pills (talk to your doctor before stopping any medications)

Complications

Depression is a serious disorder that can have devastating effects on you and your family members. Depression tends to get worse if left untreated and can lead to emotional, behavioral, and health problems that can affect all aspects of your life.

Examples of complications related to depression include:

Being overweight or obese, which can lead to heart disease or diabetes

Physical pain or illness

Inappropriate use of alcohol or drugs

Anxiety, panic disorder, and social phobias

Family conflicts, difficulties in your relationships and problems at school or work

Social isolation

Suicidal feelings, suicide attempts or suicide

Self-mutilation, such as cuts

Premature death from disease

Prevention

There is no sure way to avoid depression. However, the following strategies can be helpful.

Take steps to manage stress, improve your resilience, and boost your self-esteem.

Reach out to family and friends, especially in times of crisis, to help get through bad times.

Get treatment at the first sign of a problem to help prevent depression from getting worse.

Consider having long-term supportive treatment to help prevent symptoms from returning.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

What’s the difference between autism and adhd ? I’m going through you adhd tag and now I’m trying to guess whenever I have adhd or if autism + c-ptsd are wrecking my focus.

Hey anon, I feel you very hard!  With the caveat that I am not a doctor and even self-diagnosis shouldn’t depend on taking the word of a random dude on the internet, here is my broad assessment, as a person with ADHD and C-PTSD but probably not autism:

All three feature a lot of overlap, both between the three and between individual pairs.  For example, PTSD and ADHD can both present with focusing difficulties, memory problems, and hypervigilant behavior.  ADHD and autism are highly comorbid--meaning, they appear together a lot, and one can easily mask the other because diagnostic tests aren’t always designed to separate them. More to the point, they share a lot of traits--hyperfixations and special interests are functionally the same thing, we both tend to stim a lot, we both have that once I start talking I can’t fucking stop thing.  All of them share a big list of symptoms, including rejection sensitivity, difficulty in social situations, difficulty regulating emotions, sleep problems, the works.  This can make it hard to parse the things that are characterized by “shared” symptoms--in this case, difficulty regulating your focus.

The things ADHD has that are not typical of autism or PTSD include:

Hyperactive behavior: this is different from stimming because it’s not attached to an actual sensation.  I just can’t sit the hell down and hold still, at all, ever.  It makes me feel like ants are crawling on my skin, and then it makes me frustrated, and then it makes me panicky, and then it makes me angry, and it pretty much goes downhill from there.  Not everyone with ADHD has this symptom (I recommend looking up the distinction between Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined ADHD; I have combined type), but it’s still worth mentioning.

Short attention span:��focus is the ability to dedicate your energy to a task; attention is the ability to keep your brain on that task at all.  If I’m having a bad day or I forget my meds, I’ll just wind up staring at a wall or flipping through papers on my desk or something whenever my brain decides it’s done thinking about something.  This is your classic Inattentive ADHD symptom.  It is also why I have a list of every single minute task I need to do every day, because if my attention span ends before I’m expecting it to, I’ll forget everything I’m doing.

Poor sense of danger: not just a lack of impulse control, but your brain genuinely not telling you something is dangerous until you’ve already done it.  One time I submerged my arm almost to the shoulder in 175 F water and the only reason I didn’t have to go to the hospital was because pain reflexes don’t have to report to your brain.  I’m very delicately wired for threat responses, I’ll jump out of my skin if you drop a pencil, but if I had a dollar for every time I had to have my girlfriend bark DON’T TOUCH THAT right before I grabbed a hot pan, I’d be paying our Brooklyn rent.

Time blindness: ADHD means that I live at the mercy of the alarms on my phone.  I have absolutely no sense of how long it’s been since I did anything, nor how long I have until I need to do something else.  Have I been awake for an hour or four?  How long has it been since I ate?  If I have an appointment tomorrow, it basically doesn’t exist, right?  You know how everyone started talking about how it seems like the only time that exists is Right Now since the start of the pandemic?  That’s what ADHD feels like, all the time.

Interest-driven motivation: general executive dysfunction is one thing, but ADHD is characterized by a total lack of motivation for things that aren’t interesting.  I essentially have to have someone physically in the room watching me the entire time if I’m going to clean my room.  This is also because people with ADHD often also have trouble planning, which is such a related problem in my experience that I’m going to put it here.  I can’t parse what parts of “cleaning my room” need to happen in what order, and also, my brain hates it, so if I try to do it alone, I just end up a little puddle of overwhelmed, understimulated despair on the floor.

Understimulation: this is, in my experience, the big one.  ADHD is basically your brain being unable to provide a minimum level of stimulus to keep itself happy.  That means that when people with ADHD get understimulated, we get depressed.  If I sit in a waiting room with nothing to do for an hour before an appointment, I’m going to be on the verge of a meltdown by the time I’m done.  I’ve developed an endless list of “time filling” activities to keep my brain from dropping into the black void of boredom.  I’ve experienced a lot of emotions in my day and Nothing To Do is probably in the top three worst feelings I’ve ever felt.  Personally PTSD tends to manifest as my brain not caring about stimulation anymore, probably because PTSD is plenty of simulation all by itself--if I’m sitting quietly in a dark room, something has gone horribly wrong.

Anyway, that’s what I can think of offhand.  If you’re more of a visual thinker, this Venn diagram is a great TL;DR of this post.  Obviously, plenty of people have atypical presentations of other disorders that might share traits listed here, but these are the things that, in my experience, are more characteristic of ADHD than PTSD or autism.  

As ever, if you’re really struggling and you feel like you need help and you have the option, I recommend a professional opinion over Some Guy Online, but this guy online thinks you’re doing great.  Be gentle with yourself--the slow creep of worldwide trauma created by the pandemic means that a lot of people are struggling to keep their footing, psychologically speaking.  That very frequently manifests as focusing problems, especially for those of us with pre-existing disorders.  Don’t rush to a diagnosis in the middle of a worldwide disaster, but also, take yourself seriously.  The name of the disorder is secondary to the fact that you’re having a hard time, so don’t forget to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

[funkymbtifiction]

Can you contrast debilitating (like can't get out of your house) shyness/ low self-esteem from the isolation which enneagram 5s tend to go through/prefer?

I can understand the confusion, but shyness and social anxiety really don’t explain the Enneagram 5 traits of detachment, emotional emptiness, or avarice. 

Signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder can include persistent:

Fear of situations in which you may be judged

Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself  

Intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers  

Fear that others will notice that you look anxious  

Fear of physical symptoms that may cause you embarrassment, such as blushing, sweating, trembling or having a shaky voice

Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment  

Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention 

Having anxiety in anticipation of a feared activity or event  

Enduring a social situation with intense fear or anxiety  

Spending time after a social situation analyzing your performance and identifying flaws in your interactions  

Expecting the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation

Source

Enneagram 5 Identifying Traits:

Retentiveness: a lack of generosity in money, energy, and time, and insensitive to the needs of others. Holds onto what is in their mind at the expense of the outer world and external stimulation. They “get stuck” in thought. Pessimism toward the idea of receiving care and protection from others or having the power to demand or take what they need.

Not Giving: avoidance of commitment, the need to be completely free, unbound, unobstructed, in possession of the fullness of themselves. They horde now, to protect the future and “going without.’

Pathological Detachment: a characteristic aloofness. They are loners accustomed to solitude who does not feel lonely, and has trouble making friends, because of their lack of motivation to ‘relate’ to people. Prone to ‘giving up on’ relationships, both formed and unformed. The 5 minimizes and inhibits their anger by stepping outside it.

Fear of Engulfment: the 5 fears dependency, so avoids facing the needs and demands of others. May become docile to avoid conflict, which might arise unpleasant emotions that drain the 5’s inner resources. The 5 feels a relationship entails alienation from one’s own preferences and authentic expression, so feels stressed by it and needs to recover from it and find oneself again through aloneness.

Autonomy: the 5 develops ‘distance machinery’ to give up on people and on relationships. If one cannot get others to satisfy their desires, the 5 needs to build up their resources, stocking them up in an ivory tower. The 5 is miserly as a result and sometimes non-self-indulgent, not even allowing oneself to use what one has, in case it runs out.

Lack of Feeling: the 5 represses needs and suppresses anger. They lose awareness of their own and others’ feelings; be indifferent, cold, non-empathetic, and apathetic. The 5 struggles to enjoy pleasure, since they have a diminished capacity to experience it. Nor does it rank high on their list; they would rather keep a safe distance from others.

Postponement of Action: acting is to invest oneself, and put one’s energies into use, which the 5 resists. Action requires interaction, so when the drive to relate is so low, it lessens their interest in action. Action requires enthusiasm for something, and a presence of powerful feelings—which is absent in an apathetic individual. Action is revealing oneself to the world, which goes against the 5’s need for privacy. The 5 wants to keep their intentions hidden, so develops excessive restraint. They hover between negativity and the avoidance of action.

Cognitive Orientation: the 5 is introspective and intellectual. They may substitute living for reading and indulge in ‘endless preparation’ for life. But the 5 never feels ‘ready enough’ to move into action. They would rather organize and classify their knowledge than use it in the public sphere. They prefer to dwell in abstraction rather than concreteness, intellectualization rather than direct experience. The 5 only offers the results of their thoughts to the world, not its raw material. If not careful, the 5 becomes a mere witness to life, a non-attached yet keen observer of it who seeks to replace life with understanding.

Sense of Emptiness: the suppression of feelings and avoidance of life impoverishes their experiences. They experience an inner vacuum and may ‘feel faintly.’ They choose to be a critical outsider rather than an active participant.

Guilt: the 5 is guilt prone, despite its ‘buffering’ from a general distancing from emotion. This guilt manifests as a vague sense of inferiority, a vulnerability to intimidation, awkwardness, self-consciousness, and their own hidden nature. The 5 withdraws love as a response to the loveless outer world. In embracing an attitude of loveless disregard, he feels guilt at his own detachment.

High Super-Ego: the response to guilt is to feel driven and demand much out of himself and others. The 5 is an inward perfectionist and identifies with its inner “underdog.”

Negativism: the 5 wishes to subvert the perceived demands of others and of oneself, to avoid feeling bound to them. They “wish” not to do what they feel they should, not to give what is expected, even when the source of the request is internal rather than social. The 5 risks turning something they truly want to do into a “should” that provokes their own internal resentment or rebellion.

Hypersensitivity: in a low pain tolerance and fear of rejection. The 5 adopts emotional dullness to guard against hypersensitivity. The 5 feels a sense of weakness, vulnerability, and sensitivity in dealing with the world and its inhabitants. The 5 can appear gentle, soft, and harmless. They do not want to disturb how things are and would prefer to do no harm. This comes from the 5’s unacknowledged guilt, loneliness, and emptiness. One who feels ‘full’ can stand more pain than one who feels ‘empty.’ Lack of pleasure and feeling insignificant can factor into the 5’s decision to avoid the pain of frustrating relationships through the choice of isolation or autonomy.

Source.

[innittowinit]

Abandoned amusement parks are the best place for young children (chapter 14)

Fic summary: 

Techno, Tommy, Wilbur and Phil have been hanging out at the abandoned amusement park in the woods since they moved in. Techno likes knowing he's definitely alone with his brothers Tommy likes climbing on the old rides Wilbur likes having a place to play his music Phil likes spending time with his younger brothers

That is, until a group of brothers calling themselves the 'dream team' move in down the road. Will the sleepy boys give in and share the park or will they succeed in scaring the new kids off?

Chapter summary:  

 Wilbur goes AAAAAAAAAA George calms him down

Chapter word count: 2228

AO3

It felt like there was bile rising in his throat, everything hurt. 

He wanted to search for Techno, to find his brother and cling on for dear life but no matter how much he tried to get moving, he found himself immobilised by fear. 

“Uhh.. They’re probably just off doing something, Dream wanders off all the time”

George interjected, his voice dropping back down to a confused statement after all that yelling. He didn't understand. 

Wilbur was used to people not understanding, what he and Techno had was special, it was unique, he didn’t believe that anyone else had been through life like they had. Unlike most people his age, he did need his brother and he had never grown out of the childish clinginess most kids felt towards their mother or the fear that took over them when said mother left. Growing up, Techno was the only consistent person he had. 

Phil tried but he had school and homework, their parents were always working, the babysitters also tried but there was a new one every day and he was never able to form any emotional bond with them. 

How could he not have got attached to his twin? 

The only person who’s life was the same as his own. 

“You don’t get it. You don’t get it.” Was all Wilbur managed to mutter out before he went back to yelling for Techno, the name feeling like it was ripped from his throat. 

He could feel his judgement getting looser, the amount of adrenaline coursing through his blood was probably unhealthy, he felt like he might faint if he made any quick movements. Plus, his face felt hot, hot with frustration, fear and panic. There was sweat glazing his forehead and his breathing felt heavy. 

He wasn’t having a panic attack at least, he had helped Techno with those before and they sucked so bad he was incredibly lucky that he wasn’t as susceptible to them, that being said, he was definitely panicking. He wasn’t sure what the line was that turned it from freaking out to a full blown attack anyway, he thought maybe it had something to do with having an anxiety disorder, that maybe it was chemically different to normal panic. Right now he didn’t care though. 

The thought had been fleeting, it had lasted less than a second in his head and yet he could probably write an essay on everything he thought of in that moment. He didn’t even realise how fast his mind was going until he felt small arms wrap around him. 

Tommy. 

He was the big brother. He was supposed to be the one comforting Tommy and making sure he was okay, not the other way around. Still though, he appreciated it, the boy was sweet and caring and always wanted to help people. 

“Wilbur doesn’t like it when Tech’ goes away” The boy had explained, twisting his head to have Sapnap and George in his line of sight. 

He remembered Phil talking to him about this, they’d gone over it in case he ever needed to get help for one of them when Phil wasn’t around, but right now Tommy couldn’t really remember the name of what Wilbur had. It was two long words, that’s all he knew. 

“It makes him scared. Tech’ makes him feel safe” 

Everyone seemed to nod a bit at that, they couldn’t really argue with that. 

If Techno made him feel safe, Techno made him feel safe. 

There was a crashing noise heard from the old ticket booth that presumably sold tickets for the ride Tommy liked climbing on, with newfound speed, Wilbur sprinted over to the closed door, his body moving before even his mind could catch up. 

With his hands balled into fists, he hit at the door, slamming it over and over as he begged for his brother. Usually he was okay being in another room. Usually as long as he knew where Techno was it would be okay, but today he’d been so frustrated and angry, all he had wanted was for Techno to hold his hand so he could calm down but he had found his brother wasn’t even there. 

It hurt.

What if Techno was hurt?

“It’s me and Techno!” Dream had called from inside the little booth, “I think the door’s stuck” 

The grimace had been evident in his voice as he spoke, causing Wilbur to grab onto the door knob and pull with all of his strength. It wasn’t budging.

Why had he let this happen? 

He should have stepped back when Techno said he was getting overwhelmed. 

He’d wanted to protect his brothers so bad that one of them got hurt in the process. 

“Techno?” His voice was wobbly now, a small shake that was barely audible through the door.

“One knock yes, Two knocks no..Are you mad at me?”

Two knocks. Thank God.

“Did I piss you off?”

One knock. Understandable. 

“I’m sorry.”

By now, Wilbur was slouched against the door, his breathing hitching every now and then as he silently sobbed into his knees. He wanted his brother back. He was on the other side of the wall but that wasn’t enough.

Nobody was really sure what to do, Tommy was being incredibly sweet giving his brother lots of hugs but Wilbur would rather not have him see him like this and George ‘n’ Sapnap were standing around without an inkling of an idea on how to make this situation less painful. It’s not like anyone could blame them though, neither of them had any experience with stuff like this. The closest thing they’d witnessed was the last time Dream had broken his mask.

That wasn’t a fun day. 

George was the first of them to move, going down to sit by Wil silently, putting an arm around him in his best attempt to comfort the boy. Even though they were the same age, Wilbur was physically a lot bigger than him which made it a little awkward trying to get into a good position. 

Sapnap was the next to move, going over to Tommy and tapping his shoulder. Being the youngest of his own family, he knew how people could be, nobody wanted to show weakness in front of the youngest, everyone wanted to be seen as superman. Not only that but it would probably help relieve  some of the stress if Wilbur didn’t feel like he had to make sure Tommy was okay. 

“Hey Tommy can you show me that game you were playing earlier? Wil’s gonna be okay” 

Tommy’s head had shot up and he glanced between his brother and Sapnap over and over until Wilbur nodded at him. Maybe Sapnap had caught on to how protective Wil could be as he ended up taking Tommy to a bench that was conveniently out of ear shot but could be easily seen if Wilbur wanted to see his brother. 

Wil was grateful. He’d spent the past half hour yelling about how he hated these boys and here they were, helping him. 

Maybe they weren’t terrible people after all. 

“Dream’s smart. Techno’s smart. They won’t be in there forever, they’ll find a way out. I know that probably isn’t what you want to hear right now though. You want him now right?”

All Wilbur could muster as a response was to pathetically nod his head. He wanted his brother. Everything he was feeling right now was so intense, he was sure if he tried to communicate any of it, he’d fail. 

“Bad told us what was going on yesterday. We feel really guilty, we shouldn’t have done half the things that we did. We’re all really sorry”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry for hitting you with a rock and for saying everything I said. I don’t hate you”

Although he was still curled in on himself and he still had hot tear tracks staining his cheeks, the talking was making him feel a bit better, it was keeping his mind off of the current situation at least. 

“Why isn’t Phil here today?”

“He’s at work right now”

“We could call him. He’s the biggest out of all of us, he might be able to get the door open, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind coming down after work if you explain to him”

Wilbur nodded and fumbled for his phone, sliding it out of his pocket, it was clear that he only really had it for emergencies. It wasn’t touch screen and there was a grand total of two games built into it. Wil didn’t care though, he’d never been super interested in technology anyway.

He clicked on Phil’s contact and listened to the phone buzz as it called him, feeling tears welling up all over again as he imagined all the possible outcomes. 

What if Phil got super angry that they called him while he was working?

What if he couldn’t answer because he was too busy?

What if his boss saw him on his phone and fired him?

What if even Phil couldn’t get them out and they were trapped forever?

When Phil finally answered, Wil was far too lost in his own head to fully articulate what was happening so George reached over and gently turned the phone on speaker mode. 

Immediately Phil knew something was wrong, the fact that Wil was crying, that he couldn’t hear the others playing in the background, the fact that he had been called in the first place.

Something was wrong. 

“Hey uh..It’s George, Wil’s a bit upset so I guess I’ll explain what happened. We came down here to try and apologise because Bad said you guys weren’t seeing it as a game -sorry by the way- and I think Wil was just a bit fed up with us and we ended up yelling and um Techno went off and Dream followed him into this old ticket booth. Basically the door’s stuck and Wil’s panicking, Sapnap is playing with Tommy so he doesn’t end up freaking out too or anything.” 

Phil nodded and then realised they couldn’t see him so he made a little ‘uh-huh’ noise. 

“Thanks for calling me, You guys are good kids, thanks for helping them. Wil? Can you listen to me bud?” 

Wil responded with a little sniffle as he tried to dry his eyes 

“Techno’s gonna be fine, Dream’s gonna be fine. I’m coming down as soon as my shift ends, okay? Take a deep breath for me”

Wil did as he was told

“That’s it, you’re doing so well. I know it’s scary, you’ll be okay. You wanna chat to George for a bit? Maybe you can tell him about some songs you’re working on”

“I’d love to hear about your songs!” George had propped himself up on his knees, he had read somewhere that if you act very happy people around you feel happy too, he hoped that was real. 

After wrapping up the call, Phil promising to come down as soon as he could, Wil leant his head back and died his eyes off one last time. He was feeling a little better after talking to Phil, he always knew what to say. 

“Right now I’m working on this song about a guy who’s in love with a girl but she doesn’t love him back. It sounds sad but it’s kinda funny I think”

Wilbur was speaking more clearly now, that was good at least, George had been so worried that he’d have to deal with him crying the entire time and no offence to Wilbur but he really did not know how to deal with people crying. 

“Yeah and he’s all mad about her not loving him back. Have you heard about the whole nice guy, incel stuff? I find it really funny to write songs as if I’m one of those guys, I think the way they just rationalise stuff is funny”

“Yeah yeah, and they’re always calling girls bitches and stuff when they don’t like them? Yeah they’re funny”

Wil was smiling now. Thank God for that. 

“You play the guitar right? When did you learn that?”

“I think I started when I was like eight, our parents really wanted me and Techno to get better social skills so they signed us up for a bunch of extracurricular activities. They copped on very quickly that we don’t like being separated though, the first guitar lesson I had I was just like this, probably worse honestly since I was like eight, And Techno had Violin lessons, he actually really liked his teacher but she found it difficult teaching him because he wouldn’t talk so eventually our parents ended up just letting us stay together since he calms me down and for the longest time I was the only one that can read his body language.”

George was nodding along, their lives were actually really interesting. They had been fighting for so long but it’s not like either of them actually wanted that. The more Wilbur spoke about their habits and hobbies, the more he wanted to learn about them. 

They just had such a different life to him, he never even realised people could be happy being silent before he met them. 

Maybe this could be the start of something better, something healthier than a one sided friendship. George hoped so anyways.

[makimakikun]

Maki Katsuragi: The Autism Theory

Maki Katsuragi could be on the autism spectrum. Here’s why! TW: Abuse mentions/references, mental disorders/disabilities in-depth, child abuse, psychological aspects, and childhood conditioning. 

I think the common conception of mentally ill/disabled people not being confident in nature or never being able to fit into a setting isn’t entirely accurate for everyone or a good way to sum up such a wide variety of people. 

Let’s go into maki’s personality. His most noticeable quality: he’s confident. He’s confident enough to shape the environment he enters if he wishes. He’s confident enough to make people bend or even change their entire perspective on things. 

Did you notice everyone had false misconceptions about him? Everyone was surprised when he said certain things, like they weren’t expected of someone “with his personality”. For example, what he told Itsuki after he hit the boy with the racket, what he said when Tsubasa held the racket, what he told Yuu after confronting them, what he said to Touma after the matches, etc.  There are so many examples of people misconstruing Maki. People thinking he’s not as smart or as considerate as he actually is.

Why? I think it’s because he comes off a certain way. He seems too confident; too formal; too anti-social; too whatever. Everyone has misconceptions of everyone else, but these are things I heavily related to: the ways everyone saw Maki. 

To add personal experiences-- in the environment I was raised in, I had to be confident. I had to learn how to confront opposition with a calm war face. I had to learn how to speak; how to stand; how to stare into people’s eyes despite being uncomfortable with it; how to seem like I did things with little thought to them, despite the fact that I overthought constantly. This made many people think I was an airhead, or just generally not as smart as others.  I’ve had many people be really surprised that I was insecure, that I had issues, that I was smart & analytical. it’s happened to most people I met. These same misconceptions are bred when people see Maki, just because he’s confident and makes talking/moving/doing anything look easy. While we can see he’s smart as the audience, the other characters cannot, and this is important to remember.

Living while mentally disabled in a situation where you have an assigned job (like mediator & provider, which are Maki’s jobs) and huge responsibilities (both household chores/jobs and/or emotional support, which are also Maki’s jobs) is different from living while ill in a situation where your responsibilities are limited (like Touma’s).  There are many reasons why Touma’s issues seem more relatable and noticeable to the audience than Maki’s, and it has to do with the familial and outside dynamics they experienced throughout their life, as well as personality and disorder conflicts.

By personality and disorder conflicts, I mean that Maki and Touma have a lot of differences, both in upbringing, personality, and in the disorders I believe they have. Maki contrasts from Touma’s Autistic relatability most likely because he seems to have both ADHD and Autism, in my opinion. It’s a combination that can leave you a lot more jumbled and harder to relate to than just having Autism or ADHD alone, like I headcanon that Touma only has Autism.

Circling back to Maki’s personality. He seems to have a case of Chronic Chillness, outside of his obvious impatience issue, which I think is an indicator of his trueness as a person. In that respect, I mean that his impatience may be an indicator that he’s not as nonchalant as he seems. This is a huge part of my own mentally ill experience, so I felt the need to mention it.  It doesn’t mean I never look anxious or that I’m never anxious; It’s that no one sees it or suspects it. Sometimes I even convince myself. I have lax shoulders, I make lazed movements, I speak confidently & a lot of the time with slang or curses. Maki exhibits these qualities as well, aside from the cursing. However, I become starchly formal with people I don’t plan on befriending or becoming close with - esp in a professional setting (I.E. how Maki acted with the teacher and meeting the team, as I’ve concluded his original belief was that he wouldn’t attempt to attach himself to the team emotionally at first) - and I add formality to most newer people unless it’s a casual setting and I want them to feel comfortable/welcome. 

I create environments where either respect is expected or people feel obligated to bend in their hatred, whether it be out of insecurity, fear, or genuine appreciation. Maki does speak confidently and calmly, and he does all that I listed, in my opinion.  Let’s talk about the symptoms and symptom portrayals.  ♡ First up on the list: Intensive focusing/ Hyperfocusing/Interest in specific topics alone, with a habit of losing interest or not showing interest in other things. This is one of the most talked-about symptoms in processing and learning disorders from my experience.  One could say Maki is the definition of this symptom. He shows little interest in school, clubs, or any other subject besides astronomy. Specifically, as of most episodes, his book given to him by Ryouma, which he seems to continuously read despite it being a small book. We can assume he may be reading it over and over again.  The only club he now focuses on is soft tennis. That began from a place of obligation, not genuine interest. He seemed to have felt morally obligated to join after receiving a promise to money and a racket. However, we can assume he’s more emotionally invested in this team now, after rekindling his friendship with Touma and meeting the club members.  His focus on the club is obvious. He allows it to be a part of his daily life, and seems to even spend his off-time putting together schedules for their play, as seen in the episode where Rintarou and Touma speak privately. He also speaks of soft tennis during breaks within the school or dinner at his own apartment, as seen in the episodes where Yuu, Kanako, and Touma visit.  ♡ Moving on to the second symptom. Tics, like repeated motions, phrases, or movements. These movements or phrases can vary in frequency and noticeability. It can be shown subtly or as a common and known action that this person does every day. Maki Katsuragi seems to have a catchphrase - saying “I see.” or “naru-ho-do”, but since this isn’t your typical anime and the characters are portrayed as a lot more realistic than troupes, we can assume this could be a sign of a tic. He also tends to make strange movements while thinking, which is a sign that he’s trying to process what he’s about to say or what he’s thinking of.  This scene, in particular, stood out to me. While thinking, Maki idly swung his hand in circles. This is something I do personally as well. I tend to circle my hands while thinking to either enunciate my words or figure out a way to explain what I’m about to say, as well as try to process things I’ve heard. 

♡ On to the third symptom, which is - in my opinion - a very important one. Trouble showing or expressing certain emotions well or clearly. This can range from ways of speech, to expressions, to body language, and so forth. This can be both subtle or severe, depending on the case. Maki seems to be the type that wears smiles on his sleeve in good situations, but... let me ask you a question. Did anyone see the ending coming? I can’t say that I did, but I can tell you that I don’t think it’s unrealistic for it to happen. What I noticed about Maki is that he’s not the best at showcasing emotions outside the scope of positive or neutral, which is a huge indicator of many things. Two of them are some of the main issues in his life. Physical and mental abuse (from his father), and an overly cheerful and somewhat neglectful parental figure whose nature most likely makes him feel obligated to keep up a facade and not vent his frustrations (like his mother). In truth, many of the scenes where Maki was happy in recent episodes could’ve been motivators for him to pick up the knife. The looming threat of his father never went away, and when you’re in a happy situation, while there’s a threat still lurking, it can leave you to wonder when all these good things will be taken away. His mother possibly being hurt or even kidnapped are huge solidifiers for his resolve. I’ll be addressing this motivation-driven argument further in another post. Moving on now! Maki shows very few expressions. One of his most common being a blank face that looks a touch angry. It doesn’t mean he is angry; I think the intention behind his facial expressions is that he has trouble showing a relaxed neutral expression as well as having what many would call a “resting bitch face”. Most of his expressions range from constant neutral, curious, scared, happy, or the occasional mad. His voice tone is also key here. He often speaks around the same keys. His voice is quiet and calm, with the occasional hint of playfulness. However, it rarely rises or falls drastically, unless in a serious situation. Even then, Maki still doesn’t sound very different from his usual tone.  He also moves very directly and with purpose. It’s rare for him to show hesitation or anxiety, which may be a product of Autism, ADHD, and/or living with his father, where any sign of fear, sadness, or anger could cost him. ♡  Here’s a fourth symptom. Not remembering information, especially information not regarding hyperfixations or general interests. This is common in many illnesses but is hugely prevalent in both Autism and ADHD.  This is shown especially in the scene where he meets Kanako Mitsue for the second time canonly. He didn’t even remember her face, name, or room despite just meeting her yesterday. This is a huge indicator of a memory problem regarding information his brain considers “not important”, as he seems to remember most things about his interests and chores clearly. 

This is getting increasingly long, so I think I may be ending it here! This is a subject I could go on and on for, but I think I made some good and valid points here! It took me a long time to finish this, as my motivation is lacking.  Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 

[gin-no-bara]

What mental illnesses do you think all the guys suffer from?

Shuu: Major Depressive Disorder

- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

- Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

- A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

- Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day (Shuu doesn't necessarily show this all the time, but in some scenarios he is shown to be wracked with guilt over Edgar's "death")

Reiji: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

(This is very different from OCD since that usually involves an anxious focus on a certain thing, with obsessive, habitual behaviors, such as obsessive hand washing. A person with the Personality Disorder is something else entirely.)

- preoccupation with order, perfectionism, and must have control of themselves and situations

- rigid and stubborn in their ways

- insist that everything be done in specific ways, with their focus and attention based on adherence to strict guidelines and rules

- All expressions of emotions are tightly controlled because their focus is on logic and intellect

- tend to relate to others in a formal, stiff, or serious way.

Ayato: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

- an exaggerated sense of self-importance

- a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

- Exaggerate achievements and talents

- Believe they are superior

- Take advantage of others to get what they want

- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

- Envious of others and believe others should envy them

- Arrogant, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

- Insist on having the best of everything

But at the same time, these clients are insecure and have a deep-rooted sense of shame and low self-esteem which makes them have extreme difficulty handling criticism or anything they perceive as criticism. They will:

- Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment

- Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted

- React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

- Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

- Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

- Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection

- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

Kanato: Reactive Attachment Disorder

This disorder is diagnosed in children. In the series it is implied that the boys are a couple centuries old. But it isn't clear whether the boys age slowly and are mentally still teens or if their mental development is the same as humans but their bodily aging stops at the teen/young adult years. Kanato, to me, seems as if he has aged very slowly. So that's why I'm going with this diagnosis. He was severely neglected as a child which oftentimes leads to this disorder. Here are some of the hallmarks he fits:

- a consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward others (he only attaches himself to Teddy)

- rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed (instead tends to kill people and make them into dolls)

- rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed (he often will get even more mad or more manipulative when Yui tries to comfort him. It's only after a long time does he start to respond to her)

- A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following: Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others, Limited positive affect, Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during non-threatening interactions (this is the most frequent characteristic we see in Kanato)

- Social skills are below what would be expected of either their chronological age or developmental level

- may respond to ordinary interactions with aggression, fear, defiance, or rage 

- Affected children are more likely to face rejection by adults and peers (his brothers), develop a negative self-schema (calls himself pathetic), and experience somatic symptoms of distress (which is my theory as to why he eats so many sweets)

- RAD increases the risk of anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, and reduces frustration tolerance.

- likely to be highly reactive, even in non-threatening situations

Subaru: Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Involves repeated, sudden episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation, with no thought to consequences, and can include:

-Temper tantrums

-Tirades

- Heated arguments

- Shouting

- Slapping, shoving or pushing

- Physical fights

- Property damage

- Threatening or assaulting people or animals

Laito is the only one that I haven't decided on a diagnosis for as I explained here.

All of this is obviously just my opinion. Keep in mind that these diagnoses are based on the human psyche. I've had conversations with friends and we believe the vampire psyche is quite different, since they are highly emotional, sadistic, predatory creatures. And we don't know a whole lot about vampires in general in the series, and whether or not the boys' behavior is overall pretty normal for vampires in their universe. We don't know how normal it is for them to react to trauma in the same ways as humans, or if they develop the same sort of psychological disorders that humans do.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Adults who suffer from developmental trauma may go on to develop Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or "cPTSD," which is characterized by difficulties in emotional regulation, consciousness and memory, self-perception, distorted perceptions of perpetrators of abuse, difficulties in relationships with other people, and negative effects on the meaningfulness of life.

How Does Developmental Trauma Impact Identity Formation?

Identity formation is an important part of normal development, and takes place across the lifespan. Identity — including one's sense of being good enough, integration of emotion and intellect, basic awareness of emotional state, feeling secure and coherent as an individual, and even the basic experience of who one actually is — is disrupted by developmental trauma, because basic survival takes precedence over, and uses resources ordinarily allocated for, normal development of the self. Early trauma shifts the trajectory of brain development, because an environment characterized by fear and neglect, for example, causes different adaptations of brain circuitry than one of safety, security, and love. The earlier the distress, on average, the more profound the effect.

The task of identity development in adulthood, challenging enough (though rewarding) for those with a secure, safe, and enriching upbringing, is especially fraught for those grappling with the aftermath of developmental trauma. Because of developmental delays and the adult consequences of trauma, which often include substance abuse, eating disorders, depression, higher risk for many health problems, behavioral issues, and difficulty in personal relationships and professional development, identity development gets stuck.

Identity for adults with unresolved developmental trauma is often organized around being a survivor and maintaining basic safety in relation to others, leading to re-traumatizing and disheartening repetitions, preventing growth-oriented experiences. Individuals in this situation become highly identified with a "traumatic self," at the expense of a more inclusive, flexible sense of self. People with significant developmental trauma dissociate from their environment and from themselves early on — a last ditch survival mechanism — and may remain disconnected from themselves throughout childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, only recognizing what has happened when there is no other choice but to do so.

With these considerations in mind, I am highlighting key ways that identity tends to be shaped by earlier traumatic experiences. Understanding these basic themes, which are often a result of dissociative effects on the traumatized personality, can help people recognize areas of difficulty so they can begin doing the work of recovery, repair, and personal growth.

1. Loss of childhood: "I never really had a childhood" or "I can't remember much from growing up."

People who experience a very distressing childhood often can't remember large swathes of their early life. They may remember particularly vivid moments, sometimes called "flashbulb memories," which don't have any context to them. They often don't have a clear story of themselves as a child, up through adolescence, early adulthood, and sometimes even later in life. This autobiographical sense is called a "coherent narrative" in attachment theory, and can be absent, underdeveloped, false, or oversimplified. Many people have told me that they feel like their childhood has been stolen, and without such a foundation, adult identity is compromised.

2. Missing parts of oneself: "I've always felt like something was missing, but I don't know what it is."

With chronic developmental distress, children often disconnect important parts of themselves in order to survive, a form of dissociation. They may come to rely on one major persona in order to have stability and make it appear as if everything were OK — such as being an exemplary student — while having little or no real personal life. Later in life, they may feel like parts of themselves are missing. Through personal growth and therapy, they may rediscover and even create anew these missing parts. Sometimes they are there, stowed away for better times if you will, but younger-feeling than their everyday persona. It's common for these missing parts to be associated with particular emotional states and memories, and reuniting leads to a fuller sense of identity.

3. Attraction to destructive relationships: "I'm the kind of person that always dates people who are bad for me."

It is not uncommon for people traumatized by key caregivers to end up with friendships, romantic relationships, and even work settings which are not good for them. They find people who fit their traumatic identity, even when they are trying to make different and better choices, leading to re-traumatization through repetition of the past.

They may end up being around emotionally unavailable people, abusive or narcissistic people, or end up trying to rescue and fix people they date. Consciously, they want to find someone who can provide what they intellectually know they need and want, yet unconscious influences lead them down unwanted, familiar paths. Frequently, there is a powerful "chemistry" with new relationships, which makes it seem like the relationship will be different, only to learn with disappointment that it is all too familiar. When friends try to warn them, it's not unusual for them to pick the new romance over a trusted friend. Repeatedly getting into destructive relationships can be disorienting and confusing, leading one to question one's self-understanding and locking one into the old identity, while preventing new identities from taking root.

4. Avoidance of relationships: "I'm someone who is better off alone."

Alternatively, people with negative developmental experiences involving intimate relationships may opt to avoid closeness and isolate themselves. Sometimes this starts early on and sometimes later, as an attempt to break the cycle of harmful relationships. But healthy relationships with other people are crucial for personal development, presenting opportunities for growth and change. Missing out on them in adulthood as a self-protective measure further impairs development of a fully adult identity, solidifying a self-perception of unworthiness and self-condemnation. There are many exceptions to the feeling that we are too flawed for others, who deserve better. Most of us have the capacity to offer more than we think we do, and thereby become more appreciative of ourselves. It's too complicated for here to talk about hope, faith in oneself, and how a long process of recovery unfolds. It's worth noting that sometimes we unconscious push people away, appearing to ourselves be a threat when we do not so intend.

5. ​Avoidance of oneself: "I don't like to think about myself; it only makes me feel bad."

Especially when childhood trauma was a defining component of key relationships — parents, siblings, and other important people — any reminder of those experiences may lead to efforts to manage painful emotions and experiences through escape from oneself. Taken to the extreme, this may lead one to self-destruction.

Connection with oneself, as with others, is a powerful reminder of prior trauma, activating memories and emotions which are often too much to handle. Self-care is impaired, and one learns to live apart from oneself as a matter of habit. They may not be able to reflect upon themselves at all, and flee from any encouragement to do so. Sense of self is often characterized by disgust and essential badness, reflecting a rigid traumatic identity.

6. Difficulty integrating emotions into one's identity: "I'm not the kind of person who has strong feelings about things."

When feelings had no place in one's family of origin, emotions become split from identity. They continue to have influence, leading to confusion and an unstable sense of self, because one is unable to predict, let alone manage, strong emotions. We need that emotional data to be fully ourselves and to make decisions. Emotional dysregulation leads to problems with impulsive decisions and gets in the way of forming healthy relationships with others.

People may experience a sense of emotional numbing or (paradoxically) feel they don't have any emotions at all. They may experience a limited range of emotions or feel muted emotions. They may, for example, only be able to feel vague emotions, such as frustration or boredom, or they may block out dissatisfaction until anger explodes. They may only feel negative emotions about themselves, such as disgust and self-loathing — and recoil from anything or anyone presenting a positive view of them, feeling uneasy with gratitude from others, "not knowing how to take a compliment" or feeling mistrustful when people express kindness. They may adopt an overly intellectualized identity, acting stilted or awkward around others.

This leads to difficulty in personal relationships, as emotions are required for intimacy and shape career choices, while often limiting advancement. Identity is narrow and flat, and re-integrating emotions into one's sense of self, while rewarding and necessary for growth, can be very challenging, full of fears and difficult learning experiences.

Moving Forward

While it can be disheartening to read about the effects of developmental trauma in adulthood, and daunting to contemplate doing the work of recovery and identity formation beyond that of the traumatized self, therapeutic efforts are effective. Addressing these issues pays off, though the fact that there are no guarantees is a therapeutic opportunity as well as a point where a lot of people get stuck.

Recovery, grieving, and growth often take place over a longer time period than one would want, and re-connecting with oneself has many layers. Developing a sense that long-term goals are attainable and worth working toward is important, even if it doesn't feel possible or true. Working toward getting basic self-care in place is a vital first step, as is working toward feeling comfortable seeking help when trust in caregivers has been broken. Developing compassion for and patience with oneself can be difficult, but useful.

[soncfseed]

reposted from my old blog

i want to post some links so people can better understand what bpd is and what a personality disorder is and is not. then, i’ll do a quick rundown of the 9 bpd symptoms and which ones ethan has/displays and how they manifest for him.

here is a quick ref of some common misconceptions about the disorder. tldr version: a lot of people think bpd isnt real, or that people with bpd are just crazy assholes but its a legitimate mental health problem that has multiple factors including ones that seem to be genetic and environmental.

a personality disorder is defined by the mayo clinic as: “a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships, social activities, work and school. In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you.” basically, its not that a person has a bad personality in terms of poor character or is intentionally acting in a way that may seem irrational or explosive, but rather that the person has functional differences in how their brain reacts to things. personality is defined as:  “the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes you unique. It’s the way you view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how you see yourself.” it isn’t just behaviour nor is it something people consciously control 100% of the time. borderline personality disorder has been linked to physical differences in the brain and its functioning, particularly of neurotransmitters and brain chemicals similar to mood disorders like depression. it is a type of neurodivergence, not a skewed moral compass, a choice, or something that people with bpd typically enjoy. the symptoms are very stress inducing and cause a lot of turmoil for the affected person, and when poor coping skills have been ingrained and then create further stress or complications in the person’s life, particularly in interpersonal relationships.

ok now we’re gonna hit the 9 symptoms and 4 domains of bpd and how ethan fits into it. the dsm-5 requires 5 symptoms out of 9 for a person to be diagnosed with bpd. ethan displays, in my opinion, 8/9 symptoms and would be a candidate for diagnosis in my experience.

domain a - emotional regulation 1) “Affective (emotional) instability including intense, episodic emotional anguish, irritability, and anxiety/panic attacks” ✅ generally, this is episodes of intense sadness, anger, irritability, insecurity and self doubt for ethan. he doesnt usually have anxiety or panic attacks, but he has had a few in extremely stressful situations. his symptoms of an anxiety attack tend to lean more towards irritability and emotional outbursts.

2) “Anger that is inappropriate, intense and difficult to control”  ✅ while ethan does become rightfully frustrated when the captain returns the book, the fact that he has what seems like a minute long complete meltdown including hitting/smashing objects, that would be a good example of the kind of situationally inappropriate anger and displays of temper ethan has. his anger spikes rapidly and it makes it hard to control his actions at times.

3) “Chronic feelings of emptiness”  ✅ while we don’t necessarily see this explicitly in game, i’d argue that’s part of his experience of bpd. he often feels a lack of purpose, a lack of self, and substitutes that with his role as the leader of new eden.

theres additional symptoms described as such: “In addition, if you suffer from borderline disorder, you may also experience emotional hyper-reactivity (“emotional storms”),  or emotional responses that are occasionally under- reactive, and frequent episodes of loneliness, and boredom. “ ethan definitely experiences emotional storms, and episodes of loneliness particularly. thats amplified by the fact that hes not particularly close to anyone in new eden besides maybe the judge. between a lack of substantial interpersonal ties with his community and his disorder, his episodes of loneliness are often very intense and distressing.

domain b - harmful impulsive behaviors 4)  “Self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating”  ✅ ethan deals with this to an extent, but not these specific self damaging behaviours. for ethan, its usually not eating or not sleeping for periods of time, or going on particularly dangerous missions to find the book. hunting also serves as an adrenaline rush, but because it sustains new eden its less impulsive than it is an acceptable way of spending a day

5) “Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting or hitting yourself.”  ❌ ethan has suicidal ideations, but doesn’t have a history of engaging in self harm or suicide attempts.  

though not an explicit symptom, dangerous impulsivity that affects the self or others is a common symptom, and one ethan does deal with. his decision to turn new eden over to the highwaymen was in part spurred by his impulsive thinking and behaviour.

domain c - perceptions of self and others 6) “A markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of yourself (your perceptions of yourself, your identity)”  ✅ ethan definitely experiences shifts in this realm. this is part of why he ties himself so strongly to his identity as the leader of new eden in light of his poor relationship with his father (which will come up again). when that is threatened, it sends him spiraling because of his unstable self image. this applies to ethan’s image of himself as a person morally, his worth relative to others, and even how he feels about his body and appearance.

7) “Suspiciousness of others thoughts about you, and even paranoid ideation, or transient and stress related dissociative episodes during which you feel that you or your surroundings appear unreal.”  ✅ ethan is absolutely suspicious of others and it goes beyond his learned suspicion of outsiders that all of new eden seems to have. he is particularly suspicious of his father, and of people within his own community. some of this is completely rational, but it often extends beyond that. he experiences, in my hc, dissociative episodes and bouts of depersonalization where parts of his body don’t feel real or don’t feel attached to him/belonging to him.

“Other symptoms in this Domain include split- or “all-or-nothing” thinking, difficulty “pulling” your thoughts together so they make sense, and rational problem solving, especially in social conflicts.” ethan deals with all of these issues generally speaking. this is in part why his decision to burn down new eden was so extreme; he has difficulty at times with regulating what is rational and what is not (and making nuanced decisions), particularly when under extreme emotional duress like during an explosive emotional episode or mood swing.

domain d - unstable relationships 8)  “You may engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.”✅ this is part of why he looked so hard for the book, why he pushes himself so hard to be the leader of new eden and why he turns on them so aggressively at the end. sometimes this can manifest as lashing out, a way to “get them before they get me” mentality. he has particularly strong responses to feeling abandoned or ignored.

9) “Your relationships may be very intense, unstable, & alternate between the extremes of overidealizing and undervaluing people who are important to you.” ✅ this is definitely something ethan struggles with, especially with his father. this is also why he was willing to let new eden burn and its people suffer with it. he had swung too far back from feeling rejected that went completely into “new eden bad”, undervaluing everyone there to the point that he was able to rationalize destroying the place at the expense of the people who lived there.

none of this is meant to excuse his poor decision making, but in the context of my hc for him, it explains why he can act so irrationally at times, and so extremely. in reality, people with bpd are more likely to hurt themselves through self harm, suicide attempts, impuslive behavior, and self destructive behavior. ethan seed is 1) not a real person and 2) living under some very intense and unusual circumstances with probably the WORST person to parent someone with bpd, joseph “i talk to god and he says your soul is tainted” seed. he also doesn’t know he has a disorder and doesn’t have the knowledge or resources to get mental health treatment for his disorder. as it stands, however, he’s made some pretty bad and pretty horrible decisions, and at times can be a bad person. this doesn’t mean, however, that he is 100% bad or always awful, or that bpd is the sole cause of his behaviours. it isnt. lots of people (including myself) have bpd and we haven’t been directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of anyone; we’ve never burned down our hometowns or tried to get our fathers killed. ethan’s display of bpd is more of a tool to explain and contextualize his behavior and character rather than to condemn him, condone him, or excuse his actions.

tldr ethan has bpd and so do i thanks 4 listening to my ted talk

[wexhappyxfew]

So I’ve been trying for ages to think of a question for TT and I can’t bc I am a dummy SO I thought maybe you if there was a question you wanted someone to ask and no one has then answer that! OR I’d love for you to talk about how writing has helped you/made you happy if you’re comfortable with that! I LOVE YOU SUNSHINE 🌻🌻🌻🌻

AWWW ANGE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT I SWEAR <3 <3 and oooooh that’s an interesting take!!! i haven’t ever thought about that actually, but now i might LOL! and ooooh yes! I LOVE THAT OTHER QUESTION TOO! imma just do both THANK U ANGE!!! <3

hmmmmm....a question i wanted someone to ask....

i’m thinking of doing some talking about character flaws and possibly some strong female ocs and just my take on that! 

For me, character flaws have just always MADE the character, a human being. But it’s not for everybody, but for me, as I am a flawed person in many aspects, writing flawed characters has helped more than anything. All the characters I write are deeply flawed just like every human being. They all have pros, but they are all also weighed out by the cons of life. But that’s simply what makes us human because no one’s perfect.

For example, Charlotte Tarvers, even though she’s this ‘sunshine’ girl, who always makes people smile and laugh, and feel good, and cared for, she’s also deeply hurt by her past, and has attachment issues. Part of being a medic, is strictly not getting attached to the people you might end up seeing dying or wounded - and that’s what Charlotte really struggles with simply because she is an extroverted people person who cares for everyone and she can’t help and it hurts her in the end. 

Hazel Parker, while being a soft and innocent person, that can shoot straight on a sniper and can get zeroed in and focused and honed in and obey orders, has trouble speaking her mind, she doesn’t trust easily, she also let’s things get to her constantly and then her emotions come into play. Only when she’s in war and numb to it all do emotions stay out, but many of her decisions are emotion based and it’s painful mentally for her. She constantly battles her mind simply because she doesn’t say much but her mind is too loud and that just is something that affects her greatly - especially after her wound that she getts.

Catherine McCown, while a fantastic leader, and a confident, intelligent young woman, she tries so hard to be perfect and then that’s when she breaks - after staying strong simply for too long and then her emotions comes and she starts heavily doubting herself in the process of it all. She tries her hardest she genuinely doesn’t feel like it is never enough because people always die in the end or get hurt and she takes it personally sometimes, too personally and it hurts her in the long run.

Elizabeth Elliot, as tender, gentle, and hilarious as she is, struggles with her mental health. In many circumstances she is very mentally strong, she can block the pain but in others, after learning of her hyperkinetic disorder (ADHD), which it was called in the 1940s, she hits that downward slope where she feels she can’t escape. And I have only seen a few OCs that struggle with mental health (various types of mental health), such as a disorder like ADHD, so I decided it was time to write a character like that. And her ADHD is what really makes her struggle throughout Bastogne to the end of the war. It causes her to lack in the ability to do her job right - there’s the distraction, the mind-eating thoughts, the inability to fully concentrate, the rereading and getting nowhere, the frustration - all of it - and that makes her really struggle more than anything. 

And....for a little sneak peak at the Flip Children (Natia, Klimeck, and Ryzshard) I will briefly discuss their flaws...

Natia Filipska, is genuinely a warrior, with a highly intelligent mind, who easily understands people from one to the other, but she grows easily numb and cold to others and flushes out her emotions in dangerous situations, ideally making her reckless, distant and tough to work with. Which doesn’t bode well for a character who HAS to work with others to survive. But that is just in short - I can’t spoil much more! 

Klimeck Filipska is, like her sister, intelligent, hard-working, and a powerful role-model and leader for all, but her anger sets her apart from others. She lets anger in many cases take over her decisions and it ends up getting friends injured and possibly even killed in the end. And it is something she takes very personally because she is very much 0-80 within seconds and her decisions are angry and emotionally driven simply because she has seen what the Nazis have taken and it angers her more than anything. It never amounts to something good in the end sometimes.

Ryzshard Filipski, who albeit, is smooth, charismatic, and deceptive, is, like Natia, VERY reckless, and it almost gets him killed sometimes. And sometimes he is purely too humanity driven. It almost makes him lose his cover. But he is in fact the youngest sibling, the youngest and only brother, and so he watches what his sisters are like in their way of being driven through the war and tries in a sense to be a bit of the light - but he is only a 20 year old man - he is still a child in the war, struggling with the idea that he lost his innocence with it as well. 

And don’t get me wrong, they are all deeply flawed but they are ALL strong oc’s, strong female ocs and a strong male oc. The 6 female ocs I have I believe, are all strong in their own individual way, whether it be quietly or loudly, they are all strong. Quiet people can be strong and confident people can be strong - and they don’t take bs either :) They are all strong, just like you all are, even if you have flaws - they make you stronger. 

And Ryzshard, as my ONLY male oc, I didn’t want to make him the stereotypical male oc - the always brave, always angry, emotionless sorta of persona - he has emotions, the most innocence out of the flip children, and he cares the most, and that’s what I really hope to get across even through his recklessness - he cares. 

“how writing has helped you/made you happy if you’re comfortable with that!”

So, this is a question I’ve gotten throughout the day, but I’ll put it in short!! Writing has just always been an outlet for me, and a way to express myself. When I’m stressed, upset, or angry, I come and I write and know that I’m in my own world. I’ve always found motivation in myself to write because I always just do it for me, really. I love everyone and appreciate everyone who reads my works and my stories, but I mainly do it because it is something I love doing and something that has helped me in more ways than one. 

It just always makes me so happy to make art on a screen with black and white words - it truly is an art form for so many people and for someone like me and as an artist myself, to create art with words is something I just adore. 

And, off topic sorta LOL, but I feel the reason I keep having motivation day in and day out to just keep writing, is because I do it for me? If that makes sense? I always tell myself ‘you’re doing it for you queen, you’re doing what you always want, and just for you - how ADORABLE is that - it’s like treating yourself” and I just tell myself that always, because I’m like wow, I’m doing something for me that’s fun!

And writing’s always there, it doesn’t leave, it doesn’t judge, it doesn’t make fun of you, it doesn’t turn cold, it doesn’t lie - it’s purely just WRITING - and I’ve always loved that about writing. Writing’s just always been there <3

thank you sm for the ask ange!! this was genuinely super fun! and i loved being able to talk about my oc’s and their flaws a bit, since i feel i needed to explain them just a bit and why they are flawed like a normal human! and plus talking about my writing experience and the true work of art writing is, is something i will always rave about!!! thank you <3