#and it takes me 30 years to find it all
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09 soapghost au, ghost was a member of soap’s unit before roba and they were together until he was taken. when he comes back and takes up the ghost mantle, simon riley is declared KIA and the hope that soap had let kindle in his heart that he’d come back to him dies. he throws himself into training, into becoming captain so he won’t let down another soldier the way he let simon down
then he recruits ghost to the 141 and ghost sees how much he’s changed, how much harder he is; slow to smile, never relaxing and he realises how much he fucked up by never reaching out. he’d thought he’d be better off without him, without the shell of the man he used to love but he’d done nothing but hurt him
after the close call with shepherd, soap wants to get right back into it, wants to hunt makarov down for almost getting his sergeant and lieutenant killed and ghost is yelling at him to just take it easy and heal first when soap snaps back, “i can’t lose anyone else! not again!” and ghost just rips his balaclava off, showing his face for the first time in years…
and soap says nothing. he just looks at him, completely unreadable. ghost clenches the balaclava in his hand, waiting for anything; even injured, soap can still pack a mean punch and he’s waiting for it, almost hoping for it… but he still does nothing. just stares
“well? c’mon!” he growls, stalking in closer. “let me have it! tell me how pissed you are! that i left you alone! that i ruined you the moment i touched you! that you regret ever fucking looking at me! scream, shout, say something!” until he’s leaning over soap’s chair, chest heaving
soap’s hand lifts and ghost can’t help his flinch before planting himself, ready to be struck, longing for it, to be punished the way he punishes himself-
soap’s hand gently cups his cheek and he freezes, breath catching as his thumb caresses the snake bite scars on his lip; feather-light and reverent. just like he used to
“you’re as beautiful as the day i lost you”
#i am not immune to the romantic scene of all time ft mr stoic how to train your dragon 2#og soap is Young for a captain#like even if we arent given a canon age hes still like 30s maybe 40s if were pushing it#i dont know a lot about military shit but that seems young to me#so just soap who let himself become cold and focused everything on forcing himself to be better faster strong to protect everyone#until he finds himself as a captain of his own elite unit#handpicking men#and if he loses a single one it will be unequivocally his fault bc he chose them to be here#even ghost#this man that has no history beyond a few years of military service#no name no family even getting his blood type out of him was like pulling teeth#but sometimes#sometimes his complaints ring just a little too familiar#the way he holds himself tugging at his memory#even the way he idly flips a knife when waiting to be called in to interrogate someone#he doesnt dare to hope not when hope has never gotten him anywhere before#but then ghost takes the balaclava off and his walled off heart beats anew#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#talk to me ghost#soapghost#ghostsoap#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#soap cod#ghoap#09 soapghost#09 ghostsoap#save post
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I think the portrayal of Spider-Man 2099 in Across the Spider-Verse is in-character in that aside from like Shattered Dimensions he's always been portrayed as a bit of an asshole who slips into anti-hero territory at times and generally has a "needs of the many over the needs of the few" mindset and given his specific circumstances in the movie it's not unreasonable to think he could take the actions he does. However it does kinda suck that since like 99% of moviegoers had no idea who he was before the movie came out their first impression of him is when he's in an antagonistic role and people think "antagonist" and "villain" are synonyms so now I'm gonna have to listen to people who've never read a comic saying he's a villain or isn't a real Spider-Man for the rest of time or at least until he inevitably changes his mind in the third one.
#hell you don't even need to read a comic just look up a let's play of spider-man edge of time you'll get what i mean#but yeah i saw a post that was like#''the first movie had a joke about how spider-man doesn't wear a cape and miguel has a cape they did that to show he's not spider-man''#as if he hasn't had that cape since his creation 30 fucking years ago#he's not even the only spider-man to have one. spider-man unlimited is also a thing that exists.#even the first movie had that call-back joke where they see the peter from miles's universe had a suit with a cape#these movies have a lot of little details with deeper meanings but the cape thing just isn't one of them sorry#but yeah. play edge of time or find it on youtube it's good.#shattered dimensions is also good but miguel's personality in that game is closer to peter's for some reason#so edge of time is better for getting a feel of what he's usually like#but yeah i do think spider-verse miguel was probably more straightforwardly heroic like other versions before the whole dead family thing#and i think he and the rest of the spider society are just genuinely misguided about how the whole canon event thing works#cause like george and gwen don't die in every universe peter doesn't get the symbiote in every universe#even uncle ben doesn't die in every universe#but miguel THINKS those things always happen. that's why he got the others to believe it cause he genuinely believes it himself#and i think they all take comfort in the idea that these bad things that happen to them happen for a reason#i know that's josh keaton's interpretation for why spectacular peter joined and i don't disagree with it#that's also why i disagree with people saying that miles is The Only True Spider-Man There just cause he was the first to outright reject it#look me in the fucking eye and tell me spectacular peter and insomniac peter don't understand what it means to be spider-man#or actually don't cause i'll bitch slap you into next week if you do#miguel o'hara#marvel#shut up tristan
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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
#metalocalypse#jay talkin#I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level#for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda#changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is#don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men#his transness wouldnt change that#only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band#is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had#he becomes more caring more supportive#it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind#and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences#i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways#to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it#so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine#i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt#but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues#and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does#again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol#AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans#do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model#I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA
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really starting to believe that psychic who claimed i’m cursed
#like absolutely NOTHING goes right in my life#i have no friends no social life no partner have never been in a relationship even though i’m almost 30#i still live at home my job has horrible working hours and makes me absolutely miserable#like i can’t name you a single thing that goes right in my life i’m so far behind everyone#i wasted so many years studying and i’ve got nothing to show for it i’m a pathetic excuse of a human#i really wish i could give my life to someone who deserves it way more than me someone who really wants to live#the psychic claimed that my ex best friend’s mother cursed me#and i do find it somewhat silly to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on someone else or outer forces#but our friendship ended VERY poorly and her mother absolutely hated me by the end of it#so it honesty doesn’t seem too far fetched#bc ever since we went our separate ways which i never regretted btw i’ve just been struggling to survive#like if i’m honest i’m intelligent i’m capable i’m pretty i’m kind i’m funny but my whole life is a struggle#i know that my depression anxiety and overall low self esteem closes a lot of doors for me#but it’s just insane how unlucky i am like it can’t be a coincidence anymore#it’s just so heartbreaking when all your efforts are in vain like i try sooooo hard but it’s never enough#the psychic claimed the mother put a curse on me that basically blocks all roads for me#and like i said i haven’t had success or happiness in both my personal and professional life#it feels like every time i take step forward i take 3 back#good things never stay for long and bad things are so excruciatingly bad it’s unbearable#i’m just exhausted with everything… life shouldn’t be so fucking difficult wether it’s a curse or not#i know i also have many things to be thankful for but it seems like all the important milestones are eluding me#☁️
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should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens
#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not#tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been#having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was#originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to#go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night#and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth#fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god#but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing#that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much#but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt#running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected#by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution#will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad#obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours#is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have#things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have#suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one
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Please watch and enjoy this video regardless of whether you like/engage with cowboy iconography at all bc it's got something for everyone.
youtube
Also addresses uncomfortable truths about race and colonialism in the wild west mythos in a context that made my brain do a little lightbulb pop to like... the ways in which care jobs, professional cleaning, fast food, retail, and call center work fill a similar niche today, in the sense that many PoC find employment there for the same reason many LGBTQ+ people do and both groups experience a gooey mix of (relative) opportunity and blatant exploitation therein.
#im also so fuckin ready for queer and/or poc historically revisionist cowfolk to take over the media niche from pirates any day now#solely bc i am tired of hearing about the pirates#i live in a region so steeped in seafaring history that i could happily go the rest of my life without ever seeing a ship ever again#all cool parts have been ruined for me by related industries & living near the ocean itself for so long has diminished that primal mystery#i find that sense of vastness and timelessness and allure in like trees and rocks bc i havent spent 30+ years overexposed to them lmao#all my mutuals who wanna live in a lighthouse or somthn can come kive here by the sea i wanna go sit in some tree roots
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my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me
#“no need for follow up”#“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your#ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it#*doctor shrug emoji* “#“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol”#he barely even looked at my incision like#this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask#if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had#fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your#fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your#swagless ass!!!#anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my#abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of#gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up#for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how#hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know#how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy#am i crazy???#this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other#organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it#get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to#get medical treatment.#anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.”#bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you.#like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously.#but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess.#its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
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Genuinely spending 2 hours a day just prepping the fiber, RIP
To be fair at least a third of that time is pushing the executive function button so I can start the next nest. They're unfortunately one of those activities that has enough steps that each one feels like it's own separate thing, so I have to Start Task each damn time. So there's a 5-10 minute cooldown between them.
Got 9 nests, I think (on top), middle is some fleece that's already had a lot of locks picked out so it's kind of jumbled, bottom is combing waste.
#That's how all fiber prep is for me... I bet if I was actually medicated it'd go faster#but what can you do.#anyway ive done similar things. 2021 tdf i was carding rolags as i went#but those are so much faster !!! like 2 minutes at most and usually closer to 30 seconds for a rolag that takes#around the same amount of time to spin as a nest of top#meanwhile the nests are 10 minutes each IF i have already picked the locks. which ive started doing bc it feels a little faster#and earlier this year i was spending an hour to an hour and a half before work every day combing southdown babydoll for sock yarn#but i was also spinning that up on supported spindles (i spin 3x slower on those than on my wheel) and over the course#of like a 10+ hour shift#so it felt a lot more reasonable#im combing more of this shetland per day than i was the southdown for sure#but yeah it spins up so much faster that its like. whole morning: combing#tiny but nice part of afternoon: actually spinning the top#idk a ton about how ancient people prepared their wool... definitely need to find some info bc it would be fascinating to know#but carding cloth is a pretty recent development in the grand scale of how long humans have kept sheep#so.... yeah i can imagine youd need like 4 kids combing the wool just to keep up with one experienced spinner#or else that one spinner is spending all damn morning prepping wool#its not a great nighttime activity bc if you cant see real well then your prep really suffers#easier to spin in the near dark than prep in the near dark by a long shot#idk ! cool to think about#im rly intruiged by sally pointers video on that blackthorn hand hackle thing (i cant remember the name RIP)#feels like it could comb wool too ? or at least you could try and then make something better when that failed#but a comb of some kind is just gonna be the easiest thing to make if nothing else ...#palm comb#tour de fleece#tour de fleece 2023#wool prep
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the universe does Not want me to find a therapist its almost like she wants me to **** ******
#so many of them have just never emailed me back#so many of the ones ive found through my insurance website do not in fact accept my insurance#all the ones that are accepting new pts and take my insurance are like 30 years old fresh out the LPC program#i need someone with Wisdom and shit. life experience. character#maybe the universe is just making me hold out for my dr melfi 🥺👉👈#srsly tho im about to find some weird ass discount analyst who makes me take peyote in her basement. i am at my wits end#mine
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haven’t been on much bc my dog has been sick :( between seizures and an infected tooth we’ve been having a Time trying to get everything fixed (this started around the holidays so our vet has been very booked up…we have been like 3-4 times in the past 4-5 weeks OTL does not help it’s like an hour drive there, so that’s been exhausting) now his new seizure meds are making him sick (was hoping it was like, just an adjustment period thing but he’s been sick for a week and having concerning symptoms…) if I’m not on a ton or slow to replying to messages it’s bc I’m working as much overtime as my job will give me bc Vet Expensive and mentally drained obvi 😞
#it makes me a lil mad his meds were kinda pricy and they literally are making things worse. like sure he isn’t have seizures but he can#barely walk and keeps running into things and keeps having diarrhea so like. 🙃 and the meds are making him sooo hungry and thirsty#I’m seeing the vet AGAIN FRIDAY I know she’s so sick of me but man my little guy. if she can’t figure out a combo that doesn’t have such#bad side effects I’m literally going to scream and cry#he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭#sanchoyorambles#I’ve also called them like twice to find out if I should stop or what they want me to do and keep getting ‘oh they’ll call u back’ WHEN#GIRL MY PUBBY#if I don’t hear back before his next dose I’m just gonna make an executive decision myself to stop them for now#he’s literally on the smallest possible dose too bc he’s so little. so. they can’t go down in dosage they’ll need to put him on smth else 😑#which means paying for ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION A WEEK AFTER ALREASY GETTING ONE THAT WAS $30 ON TOP OF HIS STUPID VET BILL#screaming.#and like if I have the money it’s fine. and it’s not like the vet could’ve known he’d have bad side effects#im just frustrated it’s no one’s fault#I could go to a closer vet. the thing is I LIKE the one further away#they have the only groomer I’ve found that can trim him without sedating him! they send me reminders abt his shots! I like the vibes!!!#they seem caring!! but they are always SOOO BUSY it takes forever to make appointments or to hear back from them 😭#remember how I said one of my goals was to buy a vechicle this year lmao the vet bills are draining any savings I’ve managed to build up 🤧#my pets are priority 1 tho like even before all the medical stuff /I/ need like lol… that’s my baby#it’s just really bad timing. not that there’s good timing for medical issues but. u know
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you know i'm usually the last person to have strong opinions on movie casting announcements but the idea of jacob elordi playing heathcliff stirs a fiery sense of indignation in my heart
#text post#i guess there was also timmy chalamet as dylan that's just downright stupid casting but honestly idc#i'm not gonna see that movie anyway i promise you#im kinda over dylan hype in the year of our lord 2024. let's pay tribute to other 60s acts ok#the 60s weren't just the beatles and bob dylan i promise#wheras wuthering heights certainly doesn't need another adaptation but i can't say i wouldn't watch one#like the story just is timeless and versatile. i think it just does hold up to retellings. it's one of those stories#i don't think i'll ever find one i like more than the 1939 one but that's ok#also it's been said nd this is a huge point so i may as well say it aloud even though i feel like we should all be on the same page already#seriously another white heathcliff in the year of our lord 2024?#i understand that the race of heathcliff is ambiguous but theres almost no room for arguing heathcliff is STRICTLY and CERTAINLY white#like it's not specified or stated in the text but it's just plain uncontroversial to ASSUME heathcliff is at least a biracial poc#his dark skin is referred to all over the place in the book. he's mistreated for it. cmon#it's just gotta have the popular hot white boy of the month#who frankly doesn't even look the part of heathcliff even if you WERE to whitewash the character as has been done many times#be so for real#i don't think margot robbie is super right for cathy bc she just kinda should be playing older roles at this point. all love for her#but like cathy is maybe in her early 20s at oldest. margot robbie doesn't look that young anymore and thats ok#i love her but it's just strange to picture cathy the immature coquette being mid-30s#she also does look noticeably older than elordi whereas they're supposed to be the same age#but i don't take issue w her playing cathy at like nearly the level of elordi as heathcliff#that makes me sick to my stomach honestly#and no i'm not like a hater of this actor for like moral reasons idfc about him but just. as heathcliff? no.#no no no no. never
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I honestly feel so alone in my communities (trans, queer, whatever else) a lot of the time and I can't articulate why to anyone irl.
#i tried writing about it on here but i know tumblr is toxic and bad for me#no one reads my writing and id prefer that to too many people#but it makes me worry it really is just me#maybe i need to write elsewhere and try not to think about the audience#anyway the closest i got was talking to a friend a while back#its hard to talk to them for reasons but irl finally happened and i tried to explain my fears#how valueless and disposable i feel and how close to being cast out of queerness i feel#how valueless and disposable is the way we are all practically encouraged to treat each other#i wasnt sure my friend would get it but he did#he said he had a housemate at uni who was like this#who one day just stopped speaking to him and he never found out why#the cut off for some kind of 'bad' behaviour had happened and he had no control#they never spoke again he had to move out in the end#how soul destroying#our community can be so unkind#any space that seems fun or accepting will end up condemned for not being full of serious activism at all times#i hate that i think like this i promise#but i also resolved not to let self hatred take me over and to make the most of my post-out as trans 30s#and not think about those wasted years#and i feel so sad that i cant find community with people when i should be able to#i need love and acceptance and kindness so bad#i feel like a sieve i seem unable to feel loved#i need my community but i cant help but worry they will never want me
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japanese medical negligence will drive you to american without health insurance behaviors
#hi hi hello tumblr#my migraines came back with a vengence#i didn't realize it for the 10 years i've had them#but i am pretty sure they were hemiplegic this whole time#got weakness and numbness down one side of my body from my first migraine ar 12 or 13#and just thought that was normal migraine with aura#others on my dad's side of the family (the white people) had sever migraines too so i grew up thinking it was normal#come to think of it in 10 years even an introvert like me has met 20-30 people with migraine and none of them had symptoms like mine#well this time i had leg numbness and weakness to the point of foot drop start on sunday#puking intensely wednsday - thursday#the headache finally came friday#blurred vision throughout...but i had a prolonged aura w out headache last month that didn't quite resolve#headache and nausea and vision has calmed but won't totally go away now#this whole time they worked me up for stroke and autoimmune diseases#and when that comes back normal and i say i'm pretty sure that was all a turbo migraine#the doctor starts googling migraine in front of me and is like well...you have symptoms of it but i don't know#this is a NEURO mind you not a general internist#i begged for him to nuke the way past 3 days status migraine with steroids like in the US#told they don't do that in japan#i asked to try reyvow#no to that because “my other symtoms are worse and that's only for the headache part”#i asked for a headache specialist#told none was available#eventually was kicked to the curb with 10 nausea pills and my records to take somewhere else#my foot perked up a bit after the headache started but is still droopy and weak#when i asked about PT i got “well you can still walk”#and when i said it catches on the ground and i trip sometimes and i can't walk quickly without dragging my leg i was told “well walk slowly#not even recommended home exercises#so now i'm on physical therapy YouTube trying to rehab my own fucking foot drop#i will try to find a neuro who knows about hemiplegic migraine and will treat status migraines agressively
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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My dad: *texts my mom the day after Father’s Day to see if I was mad at him because I didn’t call him*
Also my dad: *sends me a text on Easter and then radio silence for months* *does not call to ask if I have plans for my birthday* *does not text to check in on me* *does not invite me over to his house for anything ever* *allows my stepmom to use his money to prioritize her kids over me* *literally doesn’t ever act like he wants anything to do with me actually* *cancels or changes plans at the last minute because he decides he wants to drink instead* *offers to help my mom pay my car payments and then never does* *gets us gym memberships and then cancels them without warning because he didn’t have the money and just doesn’t tell me* *cannot hold a thirty second conversation without mentioning ‘the Chinese threat’ or ‘Covid was invented by democrats to replace Trump in office’*
My dad: Why doesn’t my child call me? I am the specialist most important person in the whole wide world. What could she have to be mad about?
#angy#sweepy but angy#he told my mom the other day that he wished I’d gotten a real job instead of playing around like I am currently#like with zero awareness that I tried desperately for six months to find a job and literally no one would hire me#and now I can just kind of do my own thing BECAUSE my mom takes care of me and helps me financially#and that we have an understanding that I will absolutely look for a job if she ever asks me to#like we have talked about this multiple times#my silly little business is allowed because my mom makes enough money to take care of us both and invest in the business#if she were to say ‘i need you to find a job to pay for your car payment’ I’d start looking again that very second#we’re both adults like#im literally turning 30 in a few days#and he’s still running his mouth like im 16 and stupid#ignoring the fact that I’ve been sick a majority of my adult life and that it’s gotten significantly worse the last couple of years#to the point that something as common as my period will have me writing on the floor in pain for days and sick to my stomach for weeks#this man has a wife that has NEVER worked a day in her LIFE and he wants to tell ME to get a job??#anyway she told me about it when she got home and i had to stop myself from reflexively going to set his house on fire#that man better send me fucking money for my birthday it’s all he’s good for
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At least it's kinda nice that Brisbane will win the premiership, they're a nice team, the Brisbane lady in front of me at the grand final last year turned around and said good game and she stayed for the whole presentations and she didn't mind at all and
#good for her#plus my high school vice principal is a lion#she dated a Fitzroy lion and went to Brownlow one year#and then one day my mum and another friend were out at a nightclub and they're like 'hang on is that so and so from Fitzroy????'#then my high school vice principal married an avid demon fan who told me not to boo Brodie Grundy (ok but you have to promise not to either)#and they have three children one who's lions and another who's demons and the demon child birthed a demon who goes to all the games and#you're welcome Tumblr#stay tuned for the life story of more high school teachers#The one where my year 10 maths teacher also taught Jenette 30 years prior#The RE teacher who might've been gay and a girl actually asked and he said 'I'm not inclined to tell you'#The food tech teacher who watched my friend put tandoori sauce on the pizza without mixing it first with yoghurt#The music teacher who saw me doodling in the exercise book instead of taking notes from the whiteboard and chose to ignore it#The PE teacher who told me that my little brother was better at softball than me#hi Mrs Jamieson please find attached the invoice for my next therapist appointment#The teacher who told my mum that she wanted to tie a pencil around my brother's neck#my grade 1 teacher who made me walk to the library all alone because I'd already read all the books in the classroom
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