#and it might contradict the actual status of the fic

[skidsficrecs]

The masterlist has been updated <3

Deleted fics have been taken out of the post and fics that had been updated since we recced them here now have the correct number of words and chapters! If you open a review and the status says complete but the post talks about it being a wip, this is why sjhwvwe

[humanpurposes]

maybe you're interested in what i have to say, maybe not.

I feel really disheartened that someone expressing their dislike and skepticism for a trope managed to spark such a volatile few hours on here.

For Em's original point, liking or not liking the bimbo!reader trope is a matter of preference. Calling it anti-feminist can still technically be an opinion, and if you disagree that's fair. For me, bimbofication can fall into the illusion of Choice Feminism, that being a woman and making a choice does not make that choice inherently feminist when it could be contributing to harmful stereotypes or unrealistic standards. For example, the pursuit of beauty standards. Me bringing this up isn't to say that wearing makeup, spending a lot on skincare, or making physical alterations to your body is morally wrong, but we don't exist in a vacuum. We should do what feels right, but we can still question why it feels right. I'm a woman. I like to think I'm intelligent. I also like to think I'm hot as fuck. None of these contradict one another.

I would still hope that we as writers can critically assess what we're actually putting out. And most of us are operating in the HotD fandom where problematic tropes are kinda the norm, but then when I read a dark fic, I am under no impression that what I'm reading is healthy, acceptable or empowering outside of fiction.

Characterisation and accuracy is something I have a lot of thoughts on but we've already seen how well that conversation goes on here. All I'll say is that I personally think that Michael Gavey would hate a bimbo character, especially because he seems to value intelligence (or academic performance at least) over visual appearance or social status. But we all have our own interpretations of the character, and it's Ewan Mitchell in glasses, that's the main reason why most of are writing for this character.

Anyway, the really cool thing about freedom of expression is that we get to like and dislike things. I can understand that if you're someone who enjoys reading or writing this trope that the original post might have made you feel angry or upset, but we as adults can control how we react to people who disagree with us. Some people on here take Tumblr way too seriously and take it way too personally when someone disagrees with them. I've said it before, but "don't like, don't read" can be applied to opinion posts. Someone posting an opinion about a trope on their own blog isn't an attack on anyone, but condemning people for that comes across as very hypocritical to me. Write what you want, no one is stopping you.

[fitzrove]

do you, as tumblr's Resident Rudolf Expert, have any tips on writing his internal monologue? because i'm currently trying and failing.

Ahh, thanks for asking!!! It's very flattering that you value my opinion on this >:]

The way I approach it is usually (at least subconsciously) based on this, my favourite anecdote about him:

For me there's always a lot of bitterness, a lot of cynicism and hence complaining, and yet a spark of hope somewhere underneath it that things could get better. I have a terrible habit of always writing similar kind of cynical POV characters though,,,,, because it's also similar to how my own inner monologue functions 💀😂😭... He's not super articulate when he's just thinking to himself (especially if under the influence of something which is not infrequent lol), sometimes trains of thought might start and end within the same sentence. I also tend to put in some cognitive dissonance, because I definitely see the inherent contradictions between his status and ideals (he's obsessed with mingling with the common folk but smart enough to know he can't really be level with them) and between his different overlapping roles (Rudolf the dutiful son can't work towards the same goals that Rudolf the ambitious statesman feels he must) as contributing to his mental state.

But I also like to put in some subtle (dark) humor, it's quite apparent to me that he had a sense of one whenever biographers quote his letters! Though that is also part of how I like to write in general 😁 Also there is some level of grace/charm and also intelligence naturally, he knows how to get what he wants or at least tries to intentionally make things go in his favour, and that also plays into how he thinks about things - he's a strategist and not above manipulating people. So in his inner thoughts I write Rudolf as tending to be looking for opportunities, even if he's not as good at it as say, [musical?]Taaffe.

So, that's tone stuff. For the actual content I will often (given that most of my todolf oneshots start with Rudolf despairing over something hahaha):

1) think of what's bothering him or on his mind right now (enough to whine/talk about it)

2) as he's whining about it, connect it back to something else that's also bothering him or generally on his mind (I usually pick from: childhood memories/childhood trauma, relationships with specific people important to him, current events that he's observed or knows about and has an opinion on, random interests like hunting/science/sex. Lol I think his life outside his job actually revolves around those come to think of it 😂💀. Sometimes these references come from historical events that I know happened, but other times I will make up stuff that I think would fit, like I do not cite with sources every love affair he's had in the past in my fics ajdkdkfkd some I just make up - even though I do think I'm prone to excessive research in some areas.)

3) this is because I write todolf fic lol, but usually after enough complaining Rudolf will start thinking about Him (personified depression boyfriend) and the aforementioned may or may not make an appearance hahaha. And Tod always knows what buttons to push, because what he's saying and doing are a more extreme and violent and hence (usually) sexual version of Rudolf's internal monologue.

Anyway - this is only one way to write him, a lot of it doesn't have a direct basis in musical canon so actually it's no more "accurate" than possible other interpretations. But I find that it's easier to write when Rudolf has a specific thing he's thinking about and when he's thinking about it in a Rudolf way akdlsldl, which to me means filtering it so his interests and obsessions and his specific varieties of trauma and psychic damage (but also more positive things from his background!) get emphasised 😌😁

[smp-live]

A few days ago, I got a comment on a fic asking for advice on writing c!Wilbur and specifically his spirals, and I went ‘Hey! I can make a post out of that!’ I rambled on for a long time, so stuff above the cut is more a general character analysis, while stuff under is how I specifically write him. Don’t feel obligated to follow this advice at all, it’s just how I, personally, do it.

The thing is, Wilbur’s anxieties and what they stem from are a key part of his character. And those are what lead to his spirals. In my opinion, the biggest source of these is his need for safety and security. Specifically, social security - in his status/position, relationships, (that they won’t leave him,) what others think of him, etc. He needs to be well-liked, important, needed, and wanted, and this has lead to a multitude of his actions, like calling the election and asking for attention on several occasions, his emotions, jealousy over Eret and feeling betrayed by Fundy not siding with him, and many of his problems - notably his Pogtopia breakdown, but also his issues with self-worth and post-revival search for approval and forgiveness.

When he is unsure of others’ opinions on him, or in the security of their relationship, he will sometimes even go so far as to force something onto them, just so he gets that reassurance that he knows where they stand. The one party election, his facade as President, and declaring himself the bad guy come to mind. All promote a specific viewpoint on - or position of power for - himself, controlling his self-image in the way he thinks is best and often making him needed, in some way. And he has no chill. It’s 0-100 for this man, all the time. Which leads to some nasty situations when all these mix.

So when writing his mental spirals, times where he latches onto one thought/idea and cannot let go, or even bigger breakdowns like Pogtopia, it’s important to remember that they do not come from nothing. Most often, they’re brought on by that innate insecurity in his social status, or a traumatic memory. (Which, it could be argued that at least the fear of betrayal comes from the FCR, or that it was a pre-existing issue that only got amplified. I personally prefer the latter, but the former is also a valid interpretation.) Depending on the era, it manifests in different ways. For example, as President, he’s actually useless and unwanted. In current-era, everyone is afraid of him. With specifically Revivedbur, the fear of death also applies - he is prone to spiralling and catastrophizing in situations where he is physically in danger. See: fighting the spider in Healthy Competition, where he has the situation handled but is still panicking.

No matter what they’re about, though, they’re almost always triggered by some external occurrence or detail, (sometimes, it’s just him thinking that leads to an odd thought,) which sparks a thought that keeps growing and growing and reaches an eventual conclusion/peak, until he is snapped out of it, (or not,) most often by concrete proof contradicting his thoughts. That’s my direct method for writing them: just find a detail from the environment and pick a conclusion to draw from them, that, while logical on some level, is a stretch. You should be clearly able to map out the points leading to it. And make him wholeheartedly believe that conclusion until he has irrefutable proof against it.

Now, I personally tend to split his spirals/breakdowns into two sorta categories: ‘anxious’ ones and ‘conviction’ (or delusional) ones. Anxious spirals are more “what if”s than anything else. What ifs brought a bit further than rational thought. Like, when you know something is illogical but you can’t help but worry over it. Thinking that you might have forgotten the oven on or left the door unlocked even if you vaguely remember locking it, and being unable to relax unless you go back and check. That kind of emotional and thought process, although with Wilbur, it’s obviously about different things. These, I generally write as smaller and easier for him to snap out of, because they’re more hypotheticals. He himself is aware they’re probably irrational, but is unable to be sure unless he disproves it. Until then, his mind will latch onto that idea and not let go, even as he tries to convince himself otherwise. I tend to use this for pre-”let’s be the bad guys” Wilbur, when he’s not actively in the middle of a breakdown, but there’s some overlap after, too.

The other type I use most often after that point. It is when he’s fully convinced of what he’s spiralling over, (at least in the moment,) and is unaware of his warped thought process. It’s not some possibility he’s worrying about, it’s the truth. So it’s much harder to snap out of it unless he sees concrete, undeniable proof against it. Even then, he oftentimes ignores that proof or counterargument and latches onto the details that reaffirm it. His big canon breakdowns fall into this category, and so do many of his beliefs: thinking that Dream is the hero or that he himself is a bad guy - he ignores Tommy telling him how bad Dream is, and clings on to his idea that Dream kept the server in check, for example. My use of these ‘conviction’ spirals stems directly from those canonical delusions, (I hesitate to use that word because I’m not at all qualified to label anything, but cc!Wilbur has referred to his character using it and from the research I’ve done, it seems appropriate.) But basically, in much of my post-Festival characterization and a bit before, whenever he has an episode, he is wholeheartedly convinced of whatever he is thinking. Also, especially for the big ones, these take time to build up to. It’s not a sudden moment, it’s weeks of refuting proof for until it becomes to much to do so and breaks.

TL;DR because this is insanely long: c!Wilbur’s anxieties are in most part over his social role; whether he is respected, liked, and/or needed, with the addition of worrying over death post-revival. These are the most common reasons for his spirals, and so those are often (not always) triggered by an external event or detail that brings that worry to mind. He may try to refute it with logic or other proof, but often his brain will win. Afterwards, it is either a hypothetical situation he’s worried about, or a complete conviction that his worry is true, and he needs complete, proper proof to make the train of thought stop. Left unchecked, it will run to some final conclusion that, if you’re writing, should have a logical progression to it, but be extremely far-fetched from something anyone thinking clearly would believe.

Other things I do based on the era:

-President-era: Biggest focus is on keeping himself together and presentable, putting on a proper, professional front, and most of his anxieties stem from that. He’s trying to feel needed and important while keeping people at arm’s length not by lashing out, but through that professional facade. Also, a lack of self-worth and conviction that he’s fundamentally incompetent at his duties that's still present in current canon. And I’d say this is the time period where he is the most chill, trying to minimize that 0-100 catastrophization.

-Pogtopia: Here is where the anger as a defense mechanism happens, especially post-Festival announcement. Before, he should be desperately trying to trust people, having little doubts that he rationalizes away, along with doubts about if he is a good person. After this is the conviction. Any spirals or anxieties, he is right about, and they are not so easily disproven. Anyone claiming otherwise either doesn’t get it, isn’t listening, or is lying to him and untrustworthy.

-Ghostbur: Include bits of dark humour or self-deprecating lines! He is not all happy all the time, especially around topics like Alivebur or his death. Or, even better, he’s cheerful about these morbid topics, as if he doesn’t understand why they’re upsetting. He’s not stupid, either, and more perceptive than many people give him credit for. Just because he forgets things does not mean he can’t have complex thoughts or opinions, or even take initiative in certain situations, talk back, etc.

-Revivedbur: He is in love with life. I make sure to point out all the little sensory details that he would probably notice, with special emphasis on the sun and warmth. I personally like to make him aware that he struggles with delusional thinking, because he had a lot of time to mull over his thought process - not as they’re happening, though, but in the aftermath, although I don’t know how accurate this is. His biggest convictions are 1) that Dream the hero, 2) that everyone is afraid of him, and 3) that Quackity is mirroring L’Manburg. When left to run, his thoughts should lead to one of those or back to Limbo (with exceptions, of course.)

[snowflake-of-destruction]

In an attempt that may or may not work to discourage myself from starting Lost Masters (Xehaqus AU where Xehanort and Eraqus elope after Dark Road and it changes all of history) I have, instead of just saying "I have so many WIPs already. I can't keep starting starting things not to finish" I decided to actually go through my AO3 works and sort for incomplete fics.

Here is a masterlist, with my rumination on all of them, in case you find something you want to read or something you already read and were wondering about the fate of. I'm more than open to asks/opinions about any of them if you have something that you don't think fits in a review. I am a writer who likes even the simple "No, I liked this. Write more" type prodding--it's more encouraging than a kudos in my eyes, even though I get where others think that it's pushy , and, naturally, we all prefer feedback that's not just that alone.

What do you Mean What's the Status? In my Mind, This is Chief WIP.

1) If You Give It Form

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

Extremely Short Summary: What if Sora, Riku, and Kairi delayed their raft and it made all the difference? Sora misses meeting Donald and Goofy in Traverse Town. Riku holds onto Kairi. From small changes fate plays out very differently. What if Sora followed the road to hell paved with good intentions and became one of the chief villains of the Kingdom Hearts Saga instead of the hero?

Notes on Why it was Sorted into This Category: This is my baby and in my mind my magnum opus. Why then has it been so long since an update? Life. The Universe. Everything. But one day soon this will return with regular updates.

2) Precious Truths in Wartime

Fandom: Sk8 the Infinity

Pairings: Matchablossom

Extremely Short Summary: Bodyguard Au with a healthy mix of fake dating.

Notes on Why it was Sorted into This Section: A collaboration with my dearly beloved and ultra talented @onemoresomething. I could never abandon this or her. Plus, the action was just about to ramp up.

3) Rebounding Like Bouncing a Ball Off a Mirror

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

Pairings: Hayner/Ventus, Hayner/Roxas, Akuroku

Extremely Short Summary: Hayner tries to get over Roxas by dating Ventus.

Notes on Why it was Sorted into This Section: This is a freshly published WIP. It may not have the same place in my heart as some others, it was written as a "low stakes" attempt to see how writing on my phone would go and even then I used some paragraphs I had drafted long ago to start me off, but I published it because I intend to stick with it.

If It Suddenly Had A New Review I Might Fall Right Back Down a Rabbit Hole but It's not Pressing in my Mind Right Now

1) Without False Hope

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts (Setting: FFX)

Pairings: Akuroku, maybe some background canon FFX ships and Xion/Demyx

Extremely Short Summary: "See you in the next life." One of Axel and Roxas's reincarnations they are born in Spira. Axel becomes a summoner and Roxas becomes his guardian. Canon compliant to FFX with Axel embarking on his summoner journey near the same time as Yuna, so thus showing some of the events of FFX through outsider eyes, but mainly telling the story of how Roxas, Axel, and some other Kingdom Hearts characters both lived and died in Spira.

Notes on Why it was Sorted into This Category: This story has my heart and soul, and could easily be a passion project for me, but, I have three main worries that always halt me. For one, there is a lot of lore to dig into and I would want to dig even deeper than the source game in some points so I fear getting some detail wrong,contradicting when I want to elaborate. Two, I want it to be accessible for people who haven't played FFX and so the cost of that is spending a lot of time incorporating/explaining world building that those who have played FFX already know, and so I worry about either confusing or boring everyone. Three, I am a wimp sometimes with tragedy, and, darling, there are few happy endings in Spira. MOSTLY though, even though I know for a fact some people were interested, I just keep coming back to this as such a niche idea that it is only "for me." Which that is a valid reason to write, but it becomes a factor in time management to put off a long fic that has a limited appeal outside your own daydream.

2) Keep Your Shirt On

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

Pairings: Axel/Terra, Akuroku, Terra/Demyx

Extremely Short Summary: When Axel goes to train with Master Terra post KH3, those closest to him keep assuming he has some plans to seduce the young Master. Axel wasn't planning on it, but if they keep warning him off, maybe he will to prove a point.

Notes on Why it was Sorted in This Section: Reading this again makes me laugh if it's not too vain to say, and it could probably be wrapped up in a couple of chapters, but it's also something I had completely forgotten I had started and, at this point, I don't think anyone is waiting.

3) When You Gamble With Gods

Fandom: Sk8 the Infinity

Extremely Short Summary: Pantheon of gods in a mythological AU. Some of the old gods argue it's time to destroy faithless humanity and start over, others argue for them being given a chance. The matter is settled the only fair way: a skateboard tournament

Notes on Why it was Sorted into This Section: This was a riot to plan out, but, like so many other AUs that aren't on this list because they were more unstructured by design, this was a patented Shakeflake Conversation of the Day that led to some creation on both @shaky-mayhemm and my parts, but passed like a tornado until the next storm comes.

4) If Your Boyfriends Got a Beef

Fandom: Sk8 the Infinity

Pairings: Loveblossom versus Matchablossom

Extremely Short Summary: Kojiro gets roped into playing private chef for Ainosuke's second-chance new first date with Kaoru. That doesn't mean he'll play nice.

Notes on Why it was Sorted into This Section: The only reason this isn't in the top section is because I have a general lack of inspiration/waning interest problem with sk8. I say that and then I start watching A3! after hearing about the upcoming crossover like someone desperate for any new sk8 content or even anything remotely related. So maybe it's only a matter of time before the carousel starts turning again.

Special Section, the Why Does Plants Even Like Me? Section

My True Love

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

Pairing: Soriku

Extremely Short Summary: Sora, the best of intentions, makes the 12 Days of Christmas Literal

Notes: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTMAS 2020 PRESENT. I decided to split it into 2 or 3 parts. That was clearly a fatal mistake. I'M SORRY @twileighplants. I LOVE YOU. 2022? Christmas in July? Birthday? Something?

Never Say Never, but not Likely

1) What Can I Say So You Know I Love You?

Fandom: Final Fantasy XV

Extremely Brief Summary: FFXV Soulmate Au with words written on skin

Notes on Why It was Sorted into This Category: Honestly, I don't even remember writing this. I'm sure I had some kind of elaborate plan, because I wouldn't have published it if I didn't have a clear way forward, but I am serious when I say seeing it as one of my works actually took me by surprise and I have no idea where it was headed.

2) Sometimes the Lesson Is

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

Pairings: Axel/Kairi, Sokai, Vaniku, Soriku

Extremely Brief Summary: Three years and several adventures with Yozora (some of which involved getting stuck in a timeloop) after Kingdom Hearts 3, Sora finally returns home and finds out everyone has moved on without him, as much as they deny it. He tries to do something about it.

Notes on Why it was Sorted into This Category: Axel and Kairi as a pairing just really isn't my jam, but more so, I do remember entirely where I was taking this one--the full "lesson" being that sometimes you just need to let go--and I'm no longer into a shaggy dog story of Sora trying and failing to mess up Kairi and Riku's relationships. It sounds terrible and unlike my Sora to even try. If I continued this, I would change the story completely, so....like what is the point? I very much like the idea of Kairi training the other princesses of heart as Keybearers though. VERY MUCH. I may have to write a story just about that.

3) Advantage Rule

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

Pairings: Leaisa, Xemsai, one-sided Akuroku

Extremely Short Summary: Modern AU with Axel as a single dad. Xemnas is Axel's boss and Axel also happens to coach Xemnas's daughter's soccer team. Isa is Xemnas's husband, though not for much longer as they are in the midst of divorcing. Isa also happens to be the one that got away for Axel. Roxas is Axel's assistant coach, a punk kid doing easy community service.

Notes on Why it was Sorted Into This Category: I said I don't publish things that I don't have a clear framework for, even if the outline is just mental....well that's not always true. Plus, this story was 90% a ploy to trick @complicatedandstained into being my friend. Ya got trapped. Kidding. I could hash out details and continue the story, but there are louder voices in my head.

[nibeul]

What always really confused me about the Clones status as war slaves is that it never seems to upset Anakin, a former slave. Like, in "The Hidden Enemy" Anakin gets an expression when Slick points out he and his brothers are all slaves that seems to indicate he realizes this and that it makes him uncomfortable... and then it's never brought up again as far as I remember. Like, they really could have used the status of the clones as slaves, as well as the Jedi's complacency to the slave trade on Tatooine as reasons to his fall, but neither are ever really brought up. Also, is it ever established what happened to the clones in general after Order 66? I know they were used as the first generation of Storm Troopers but what happened after they were retired? There were thousands of them, where did they go?

oh I've thought about this so many times and it never fails to bug me. my guess is it comes from the fact that Lucas literally did not think about the implications of the Clone Army when creating them in ROTS, but it's still an issue and one that... doesn't really have an explanation. Not to mention, the Jedi as a whole were supposed to be super anti-slavery (which we know they weren't since they let prominent groups like the Hutts get away with it/were willing to compromise with said groups and also, ya know, Qui Gon literally telling an enslaved Anakin that they weren't gonna save him or his mom...), so even accepting their role in the GAR goes against what they say they stand for.

Generally, I think there were three main plausible responses to the Clone Army from the Jedi (for those who actually acknowledged that the clones were enslaved anyway):

Viewing it as a "necessary evil" and were willing to fill their role in the hierarchy. By reasoning with themselves that it was for a greater purpose, they're basically absolving themselves of guilt/responsibility. This also goes into the "well if I don't do it then someone else will" mentality where they see it as a must. -> We can also talk about the concept of "acceptable slavery" here and how we perceive Jedi who "treated the clones nicely" vs someone like Krell who saw them as expendable and sub-human

Completely distancing themselves from the source (while actively criticizing from afar, in some cases). They might acknowledge that the clones are enslaved but refuse to actually do anything about it and instead remove themselves from the war effort entirely. They see it as something that's bad, but not something they should do anything about either. If they avoid being put into roles like "General", they avoid feeling responsible. They still remain a Jedi but have completely avoided aiding the war effort in its entirety while also remaining silent about the clones themselves with the occasional sympathetic comment.

Leaving the Order. This one can kinda go with the above I guess, though I'm sure there were Jedi who saw what was going on and outright refused to be part of an institution that was actively participating in the enslavement of the clones. I'm sure there were former Jedi (and maybe even active Jedi) who helped clones desert, though we haven't seen any in canon, so I guess it's up to the fans to have that (without the white savior vibes please :|).

I think it's also important to talk about "well, who's guilty then?" because in the broad sense, the entirety of the Order is responsible, but then it varies at an individual level. Like let's look at Plo Koon who's canonly very forgiving but draws the line at slavers and actively tries to kill them on sight multiple times in the comics. I enjoy Plo Koon as a character; I like doodling him, I like reading fics with him, but he's also a High Council Member and upholds the system which keeps the clones enslaved. His character arguably contradicts itself, but because he is portrayed as nice and caring, the argument against him is "lessened"/he is not held to the same level of accountability someone like Krell is. We excuse him—and other Jedi—from the fact that he is helping to lead an army of enslaved men because he is nice.

In Anakin's case, part of me wonders if he doesn't really think of the clones as enslaved because the clones are not enslaved in the same way that Anakin was enslaved. He has a set idea of what slavery is based on his own circumstances and the way that the clones are enslaved doesn't seem to fit the bill so he doesn't really register it. Being confronted with the fact that his childhood might not be so different from what the clones are currently going through made him uncomfortable, and as such, he pushed the thought away/decided against addressing it. That's more so an in-universe explanation since I already mentioned why the story's probably set up this way but yeah. Idk how much I want to get into that, so I'll leave it at there for now.

For what happened to the clones after Order 66, they fought for the newly established Empire and continued to be produced until the Kamino Uprising (which I think was like... 16-12BBY, somewhere in between that??). Palpatine pretty quickly started integrating natborns into the Empire's military wing though the clones still made up the bulk of it for a while since the Empire needs more than one or two years to make a complete shift. Most of the clones died before they could ever retire from old age, I believe the last active clones were Vader's fist (the 501st) and the majority of that battalion was wiped out during the Battle of Hoth. Bottomline, they deserved better than what they got.

I'm 90% sure clonehub's talked about this, so I recommend checking out her blog.

[shinygoku]

gordon gordon gordon gordon

Gordon Gordon Gordon Gordon!!

He's been sneaking into these asks by proxy, so it's finally time for his dedicated session, hehe~

First impression

WUAAAGH what's up with this WEIRD LONG NOT-THOMAS and his FACE?!

Impression now

His face is still pretty weird! But you know what else it is? Part of an Absolute Legend ✨

Like, man, Gordon is such a big presence and interesting character, the entire premise leans heavily on him. I'm inclined to go as far as to say that the Blue Boys of 1, 2 and 4 here are the three most important characters for the franchise (not at all to knock everyone else lmao) and they slot nicely into a Triforce of Courage, Wisdom and Power, and Gordon has Power in spades!

Gordon is The Vain One (not James!). He's legit very strong and the fastest on Sodor (which isn't just being a big fish in a small pond because that island has some crazy cool engines!) but unfortunately he lacks humility. His success seems to have been lodged in his head before the series even begins and this Pride is the source of pretty much every single conflict he's involved in.

But when it isn't his self satisfaction in his actions, it's being smug about being such a grand, magnificent Tender Engine and he is snooty as hell about it. He seems to look at smaller engines [pretty much everyone compared to him lol] as a lesser class, particularly if they're small and cheeky and Tank Engines. This may not be the case exactly, but his way of talking to them and some other things he says are very condescending.

However... as much as a gigantic jerk he is at several points, with Gordon I kinda feel like he plain ass doesn't conceive of his words being out of line. That and having to Unlearn things... he's not innately better than everyone else. He sees things in black and white. There are Useful Engines, and those who should be scrapped. There are Noble Tender Engines and Lesser Tank Engines who exist to do the tedious chores on behalf of the Superior ones. Edward doing shunting is seen as Demeaning and contradicts Gordon’s world view that Tender Engines Don't Stunt™, and he doesn't like that one bit! (Also Edward was crossing the picket line but that wasn't Awdry's concern lmao)

Related is Gordon does seem oddly dense at times, like assuming that Tenders are in of themselves a Status Symbol rather than a large lunchbox of sorts lol, or that Tender Engines like him being too heavy for Branch Lines being because something about Branch Lines are degrading. This might be all Elitist Brainwashing influence. But still, that he just takes these as The Truth means I get to affectionately call him an idiot. And there is no other way to explain how he genuinely believes Bill and Ben were going to murder him if he wasn't missing a few brain bolts in there.

Fortunately, he does eventually start to learn the important lessons.... very gradually, but the Early Gordon is a pretty different beast to Later Gordon, and it's wonderful~

Also, I gotta give credit to him for having some moments of utter brilliance and actual grasp of reality and more complex matters, like culture. (Yeah, I'm rolling with his geniune Opera Knowledge from s6 of all things. It's good!) As much as Awdry himself may have disagreed, Gordon was in the right to want a Station Pilot and the Strike was called for (not bullying Edward for it, but myeah) ...but this leads to my next point: He seems to have a mental block when it comes to Emotions.

Certainly, he's as emotional as the others are, it's not just a scale of Snooty, Arrogant, Condescending, Prideful ....well, it is, but ALSO the more mixed and varied feelings: Shame, Sadness, Fear, Ambivilance, Irritation, Anger, Passion, Amused, Delight and so on. However, Gordon is seemingly unaware of how his words may make the others feel, and even at his cruellest it doesn't look like he's aware he's twisting a knife in. To Gordon, he's being honest, but his verbose manner ends up twisting and wriggling away from any valid point like an overgrown vine that somehow links back to how [Other Engine] is disgracing him, Gordon, by association.

Examples include: Being offended by Henry's new shape (??? Gordon dude he nearly died and this is an improvement, a good thing!), saying that Edward's age and difficulty starting a heavy ass packed load of passengers is grounds to be Retired or even Scrapped, other little insulting things like calling the likes of Thomas and James Little insistently (it seems to vary if he's trying to put them down or actually be affectionate), and many more when in the hands of inept writers who have to wheel out the same Gordon Learns A Lesson Plot every other season.

Like I said in the James post, I also think he kinda poisoned the Red guy with his snooty attitude... but I maintain that I think Gordon was unaware of this. He may know he has Influence, and enjoy that, but he really truly doesn't appear to mean to mould James into a smaller, redder version of himself. He's oblivious and from his own point of view, benevolent. Which is in fact a dangerous combo indeed!

It's... a lot o7;;

Again though, if you're looking at the books and s1-s5 of TVS you can see him grow and change. He does take a while to learn the lessons, but as time goes on he moves 2 steps forward and 1 step back, then eventually less steps back entirely. It's great! And so is Gordon. A big dumb meathead with not entirely uncalled for delusions of granduer. A dramatic so-and-so who is the best engine for his job.

I love this sophisticated jock who grows more kindness~ 💙

Favourite moment

Hm! This isn't as easy to decide lol. We all like Gordon Goes Foreign... but you know what sticks in my mind more?

hOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH

Look, I’m not 100% objective, here! But Ringo’s read of this line is fantastic (and keeps making me expect him to finish saying OOOHH SHIT) and it’s also a well deserved bolt of divine retribution for how rude he was being earlier. (As long as my essay already was, he very much needed the knocking down of some pegs here!)

Idea for a story

While both my fics with him thus far have been variations of Pre-Canon, Full-Arrogance and Snobbish Gordon (and both were a lot of fun!) ...but I cannot bear the same expired horse being beaten more when the story is set waaay later but he’s still up his own ass. Please, PLEASE writers, let him hold what growth he’s managed to gain!

I think it’d be good to accept that he’s gonna be outdated sooner or later, so have him help train another High Speed Engine and take them under his wing. The Christopher Awdry books kinda have something similar with Pip and Emma, but I think a better way of having Gordon be involved would be if he was actively doing some mentoring himself, as well as being a neat parallel with Edward, whose type was once Express only but got outclassed by A1s, and so the same can happen to this big A1 -> A3 lad and he can form a healthy relationship with some bright eyed newbie (and maybe have some self awareness and try to stop their head getting too large, lol).

Unpopular opinion

I know I just said him mentoring would be a cool story idea, but in canon? He is NOT a resident Dad type!! He’s a hotshot young man but he’s also a hot mess. He’s physically large but he’s not got the Energy of someone who dispenses sage advice and a shoulder to cry on. At best, he’s a weird uncle! One who means well but you shouldn’t take his life advice to heart because he’s actually just as, if not more clueless than you!

Favourite relationship

I feel inclined to say Thomas here. Emphatically not because Gordon is ‘old’ and Thomas is ‘young’, but because they’re so damn alike and actually make an excellent, albeit unconventional type of Rivalry.

Both are self important with genuine finesse in their respective talents, both are honest to a fault, both have redeeming qualities to offset their initial abrasiveness, and the first TVS episode is centred on the both of them and sets the tone for the series as a whole. There’s more parallels, of course, but I also wanna point out they’re effectively the mascots of North Western Rail in universe too, and I absolutely love this picture:

I also have immense fondness for the Down the Mine paradigm shift! Thomas gives Gordon grief over the ditch incident and later when it emerges the Fat Controller is gonna send for Gordon to pull him out, Thomas is filled with dread. But Gordon isn’t using the chance to lord over Thomas, he’s actually so amused by Thomas’ mishap and it coming at a time where he’s been significantly humbled, they instead become Comrades and I love it. I eat it up! Paint Pots and Queens isn’t anywhere near as good but I adore the little bit where they’re appealing for the other, equals and watching each other’s back~

But yeah, as Friendly Rivals they both feel very authentic and yet, in a daft way, sweet ;3

Favourite headcanon

He still says “Hurry, hurry, hurry!” when pulling the Express. That’s a HC as I think the show phased it out, but I like it lol. I feel like my essay on him contains most of the headcanon stuff, but it’s all based on what’s shown, baybee!

[skyeventide]

my trsb fic has so many notes to the text that they didn’t fit within the ao3 notes’ section character limit lmao, so here is the lengthier version of it. you can consider it a teaser I guess? but either way, I need some place to store these and link them back in the fic.

contents here, cut for length

on the matter of the mother of Gil-Galad

Celebrimbor’s names

shibbolething all over Thauron’s name

actual quotes and canon

On the matter of the mother of Gil-Galad

Meril-i-Turinqi is a Book of Lost Tales character, lady of Tol Eressea, kin of In(g)we but also similar to the Solosimpi, which is to say the Teleri.

The character of "Meril" on the other hand, is a proto-Amarie, Finrod's love interest. In the early draft of Meril's appearance, Finrod is married and is father of Gil-Galad: this draft is obviously discarded and Finrod becomes childless, while Meril transforms into Amarie, who does not join the exile. Gil-Galad is instead transferred to Orodreth, which iirc is Tolkien's last word on the matter (I don't count the Fingon thing as even canon-adjacent, ChrisT was quite clear in admitting the mistake). Now I recall Orodreth is said to be married to a Sinda; why did I discard that? Cause I initally forgot it. Rip to me and Orodreth.

However, what I had was: a proto-Amarie, who is a Vanya, and a BoLT character who is of the family of Ingwe (so a Vanya), but also like the Teleri (so of the third clan, even though not a Sinda). And so Meril-proto-Amarie became Meril-i-Turinqi, wife of Orodreth.

The full headcanon on Meril here would have her as daughter of a Vanya who is kin of Ingwe and of Telerin nobility (or royalty? they're all big on intermarrying between royal families), which fulfills both sides of the coin and also stays true to the statement that Elenwe is the sole full-Vanya to join the exile (I'm gonna assume this excludes any non-royalty followers). Now regarding the parentage of Orodreth, he is here son of Angrod, as I feel that is a better option in almost all respects. This poses some issues with regard to age, as I recall Orodreth-son-of-Angrod and Idril as being named the only two non-adults to do the journey to ME (again... this surely excludes any non-royalty youngsters, but nonetheless). Obviously these issues grow even further if one also includes the matter of Celebrimbor being Aman-born to a wife who doesn't follow Curufin (and therefore the matter of his age at the time of exile), but reconciling these versions is borderline impossible with how the origins of Celebrimbor keep changing throughout the conception of the legendarium.

Long story short, I up the age of Orodreth to be at least old enough to speak softly with Finarfin (here his grandfather) during the flight of the Noldor, but I have him already married though childless. Finduilas is born early into the exile and Gil-Galad is her younger brother.

Meril returns to Aman at the end of the First Age and rules Tol Eressea for the exiles who are stuck there until the Ban is fully lifted.

Celebrimbor's names

FN = father-name, MN = mother-name

I do not claim to have come up with "Tyelperinquar is an epesse", that headcanon, which nonetheless I'm sure happened separately for other people, is one I first read in a fic by Tyelperintal on AO3. That of course means that I could no longer go with the FN Curufinwe MN Tyelperinquar option, and needed another mother-name, which I also borrowed from the same story, and went for Ilvanon, "the perfect". It's pretty, and also speaks of a mix of high expectations and love.

What in this story made me accept the epesse headcanon is the matter of the origin of "T(y)elperinquar" as a name. Vinyar Tengwar (and most recently also NoME) explains how "silver fist" is a name common among the Teleri, famous for their ability to smith silver even among the Noldor, and it is also mentioned how other similar names, such as Tegilbor "calligrapher", are given to people based on their skill. This, however, directly contradicts the fact that elves don't give the same name to more than one person. That statement is problematic in itself (impossible that all elves across all time are aware of all names that ever have been used -- and also of course there's the usual royalty exceptions, that however may well be exceptions because they are royalty), but if it is a common name among the Teleri and we are to keep the duplicate names lore in mind... my only solution is that it's a coveted epesse, given to the very skilled.

Celebrimbor picks it as his chosen and preferred name over FN, already shared by two people and preferred as chosen name by his father, and the potential arrogance of picking his MN with its meaning.

This still led me to problems of both spelling and language choices.

As far as spelling goes, there's several variations. I'm marking with * the one that is not canonically attested, but can be inferred.

Pure Telerin: Telperimpar

Quenya-Telerin compound that maintains the Telerin spelling of silver: Telperinquar

As above, but shortened: Telpinquar

Pure Quenya: *Tyelperinquar

Pure Quenya, shortened: Tyelpinquar

I use all these except the last one at various stages: I decided (though I go back and forth on this) that his household might have used pure Quenya, and his mother sticks to it; the person in Tirion panicks and uses the shortened version Telpinquar, which together with Telperinquar (Telerin spelling maintained) was more common among the Noldor. The Tirion passage exemplifies the uses and applications of these names, how they were given and altered.

This leads me to problems of language and POV, Celebrimbor vs Tyelperinquar. His mother, in her POV, always uses the latter, but Celebrimbor himself uses the former. The true problem here was adapting my feeling that Celebrimbor would be far more used to thinking of himself as Celebrimbor (as opposed to the Quenya name) vs Tolkien's statement that elves do not use names in another language when speaking in X language. This doesn't stay wholly true through the legendarium and the texts, so it's something I've decided to partially ignore when it comes to POV, though I tend to stick to it in first person dialogue. Something that again I try to tackle in the text itself -- when Galadriel tells Celebrimbor which language to speak and which name to use for her.

I am not entirely satisfied with all my choices here and I might revisit them in the future, but for the moment, here we go.

Shibbolething all over Thauron's name

Another language and spelling headache. As I encountered the problem of Sauron, I encountered that of the spelling of his name: the eternal TH/S issue. Were I to have Celebrimbor's mother, and Celebrimbor himself, stick to the Shibboleth? I initially attempted to circumvent this by using Gorthaur, but the issue described just above, about mixing languages, yet again bit me in the ass.

Of course it comes down to characterisation: would Mrs Curufin stick to the Shibboleth, and would Celebrimbor? The matter with Celebrimbor was that I don't believe he spoke Quenya with any real frequency after the Nargothrond business, not as a choice but rather due to circumstances and preferences of those around him. With Ercasse, the conflict is part of the character, and that sadly meant that the TH/S choice became less of a personal choice and more of a political one, as usual.

That got me thinking about the circumstances around her and something interesting came to me: Finarfin spoke Quenya with the Shibboleth, because of the Teleri. And in the Darkening he becomes king in Tirion, and also has to adjust things with the Teleri -- not an easy task, imo, when he turns back only after the pronunciation of the Doom, and not just after the kinslaying occurred. Additionally, the Vanyar spoke preserving TH. Additionally x2, by the Fourth Age, Exilic Quenya (which uses S) is associated with those who rebelled and returned to Aman -- meanwhile any Sindar preserved TH naturally, as it's a sound that never went out of use in Sindarin.

So I chose to take these things and make something of it. If Finarfin maintains TH to keep the Telerin influence; if the Noldor who remain in Aman decide to step closer to the Vanyar in an anti-rebellion reactionary manner and to conform to the speech of the king; if Exilic Quenya gains the lower status of language of the exiles; and considering the canon fact that in later ages the elves are more likely to preserve language rather than change it -- what are our chances that Shibbolething gains opposite connotations as time passes? My conclusion was high chances. So I decided to implement it.

And so Ercasse doesn't have to think about her personal allegiances anymore and has a path built in for herself in these social changes. And Sauron is Thauron. (Unless Galadriel is talking: she doesn't Shibboleth, and uses “Sauron” and “Sindarin”.)

Quotes and canon

Many things I wrote are based on canon snippets. Here I tried to collect them.

On Celebrimbor and the mention of the bath of flames in his speech. It isn't, in fact, a corny lineage reference, but rather a metaphysical or pseudo-physical concept of purification from the Lost Tales:

Yet now the prayers of [their parents] came even to Manwe [the highest Valar], and the Gods had mercy on their unhappy fate, so that those twain Turin and Nienori entered into ... the bath of flame... and so were all their sorrows and stains washed away, and they dwelt as shining Valar among the blessed ones, and now the love of that brother and sister is very fair;

On the naming of Mithril (appears in the upcoming Nature of Middle Earth, as well as already published in Vinyar Tengwar):

[Celebrimbor] was a great silver-smith, and went to Eregion attracted by the rumours of the marvellous metal found in Moria, Moria-silver, to which he gave the name mithril.

On Celebrimbor's ambition and assorted choices, from Letter 131: 

In the first we see a sort of second fall or at least ‘error’ of the Elves. There was nothing wrong essentially in their lingering against counsel, still sadly with the mortal lands of their old heroic deeds. But they wanted to have their cake without eating it. They wanted the peace and bliss and perfect memory of ‘The West’, and yet to remain on the ordinary earth where their prestige as the highest people, above wild Elves, dwarves, and Men, was greater than at the bottom of the hierarchy of Valinor. They thus became obsessed with 'fading’, the mode in which the changes of time (the law of the world under the sun) was perceived by them. They became sad, and their art (shall we say) antiquarian, and their efforts all really a kind of embalming – even though they also retained the old motive of their kind, the adornment of earth, and the healing of its hurts. […] But many of me Elves listened to Sauron. He was still fair in that early time, and his motives and those of the Elves seemed to go partly together: the healing of the desolate lands. Sauron found their weak point in suggesting that, helping one another, they could make Western Middle-earth as beautiful as Valinor. It was really a veiled attack on the gods, an incitement to try and make a separate independent paradise.

Legolas and Aragorn and my choice to use the word love:

"[...]Yet whatever is still to do, I hope to have a part in it, for the honour of the folk of the Lonely Mountain." "And I for the folk of the Great Wood," said Legolas, "and for the love of the Lord of the White Tree [Aragorn]."

Celebrimbor and the Elessar. It must be noted that this Celebrimbor is not Celebrimbor son of Curufin, but I still liked the tidbit of lore. From there my choice to have three different Elessar stones, one made by Feanor, one by Enerdhil of Gondolin, one by Celebrimbor (in the fic redressed to Celebrimbor son of Curufin, and without the romantic love for Galadriel):

But he did not say to Galadriel that he himself was of Gondolin long ago. Therefore he took thought, and began a long delicate labour, and so for Galadriel he made the greatest of his works (save the Three Rings only).And it is said that more subtle and clear was the green gem that he made than that of Enerdhil, but yet its light had less power. For whereas that of Enerdhil was lit by the Sun in its youth, already many years had passed ere Celebrimbor began his work, and nowhere in Middle-earth was the light as clear as it had been, for though Morgoth had been thrust out into the Void and could not enter again, his far shadow lay upon it.Radiant nonetheless was the Elessar of Celebrimbor; and he set it within a great brooch of silver in the likeness of an eagle rising upon outspread wings.

On the vale and the stream where Formenos is located, I utilised this passage from Lost Tales:

[...] here the entire people of the Noldoli are ordered to leave Kor for the rugged dale northwards where the stream Híri plunged underground, and the command to do so seems to have been less a punishment meted out to them by Manwe than a pre-caution and a safeguard. In connection with the place of the banishment of the Noldoli, here called Sirnúmen ('Western Stream') [...]

Relevant LotR quotes about the Eregion passages, used for soil description extrapolations and other elements:

Suddenly Gimli, who had pressed on ahead, called back to them. He was standing on a knoll and pointing to the right. Hurrying up they saw below them a deep and narrow channel. It was empty and silent, and hardly a trickle of water flowed among the brown and redstained stones of its bed; but on the near side there was a path, much broken and decayed, that wound its way among the ruined walls and paving-stones of an ancient highroad. ‘Ah! Here it is at last!’ said Gandalf. ‘This is where the stream ran: Sirannon, the Gate-stream, they used to call it. But what has happened to the water, I cannot guess; it used to be swift and noisy. Come! We must hurry on. We are late.’ [...] "...there is a wholesome air about Hollin. Much evil must befall a country before it wholly forgets the elves, if once they dwelt there." "That is true", said Legolas. "But the Elves of this land were of a race strange to us of the silvan folk, and the trees and the grass do not now remember them: Only I hear the stones lament them: deep they delved us, fair they wrought us, high they builded us; but they are gone. They are gone. They sought the Havens long ago."

More TBA if anything comes to mind.

[puppypeter]

✨ All fics are complete! ✨ A mix of fics set around schools/colleges where at least one character is a teacher, student, professor etc (but this might not be necessarily the main focus). Will definitely be adding more in the future or making a part 2 as I read more :) As always, Mind The Tags! Barnes & Rogers And The Goddamn Truth | 18945 words

There are three well-known facts at Shield High:

1. The history teacher Mr. Barnes is a stone-cold terror, and it’s not even because he only has one arm. 2. The other history teacher, Mr. Rogers, is a mysterious enigma, and it’s something to do with the body of a Greek God and contradicting stories of his past. (They’re all rumours, anyway.) 3. Mr Barnes and Mr Rogers hate each other.

Bucky wouldn’t have it any other way.

Quarantine 101 with Dr Rogers (And The Husband) | 5575 words

Like every university professor worldwide, Dr. Rogers of NYU is adapting to online classes during quarantine.

It is during this time that Dr. Rogers' students discover their professor's stunningly beautiful husband and other key aspects of his private life that is usually kept locked tight.

Acute Case Of Fate | 9708 words

Since his accident, Bucky seems to spend more time in the school clinic than in his actual classes. One day, he strikes up a conversation with the only person who seems to be there more than him: Steve Rogers.

Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Grad Students (For They Are Caffeinated And Quick To Nerd Out) | 46222 words

As a student returning to finish his bachelor’s degree and pick up the scattered pieces of his trashed life, Bucky has a few problems: he’s nearly ten years older than the other students, he has lingering pain from shattering his arm, and his Tolkien-obsessed roommate Steve Rogers is way too hot for his own good. If Bucky's going to get through this degree and get his life back on track, he cannot afford the distraction. Nope. No way. No distractions.

It Takes Two To Pine

College AU

The Soldier and The Mountain | 110765 words

This is a story about recovering from rape, society's apathy toward victims of campus assault, and one man's trial to escape an abusive relationship in a world where men are painted as the batterer. When James Barnes, professional dancer, starts realizing his long-term boyfriend isn't interested in a healthy relationship, he meets Steve Rogers, one of his boyfriend's victims and a soon-to-be-graduate from NYU. Their friendship seems impossible, but maybe they are what the other needs to start clawing out of their traumatic pasts. The road is long and arduous, but recovery always is.

The Role We Are Cast In | 6963 words

Bucky Barnes loves his daughter just as much as any man ever did. He expected to be the most important man in her life for a lot longer than 5 years old, when she comes home to tell him that her teacher is Captain America, shrunk down in a Nazi plot. But the war is over, and Bucky's got a bum arm and a job working in the office of the docks he worked as a lad, and he really doesn't give it too much thought.

Do You Like Boys? | 24830 words

Bucky is just trying to do some grocery shopping when he gets cornered by a little boy asking him questions about his relationship status and gender preference. He is then dragged to the next aisle where he meets the little boys father a blonde looking adonis. Bucky doesn't hate it.

The one where Bucky Barnes is a hot dad and Steve Rogers is an elementary school teacher | 9867 words

Steve Rogers is in his early 40s and hasn't dated anyone in years- not since the war. He has no interest in dating. His life is devoted to teaching elementary school.

He finds himself getting attached to a particularly smart, quiet girl who he is sure is ahead of the class. He decides to have a talk with the girl's parents about her exceptional intelligence and her antisocial tendencies.

What he doesn't know is that she is the child of single father, fellow war veteran, James "Bucky" Barnes.

[curiosity-killed]

hua cheng, the accidental person

okay this is for @bodhimcbodeface because i can’t shut up and make this concise enough for discord. spoilers ahead yeehaw

this is...not comprehensive. i’ve written 11 tgcf fics and am generally a bit fixated on Hua Cheng as a character so. there’s definitely things missing but i tried to hit the main points that i thought of while writing? also obviously this is just my interpretation! i do not expect anyone else to be like “ah yes curio the sage is so correct i have changed my thinking on this” like go live your life with your own versions of hua cheng! this is just the hill upon which i have firmly planted myself and from which i refuse to be budged. as u do.

anyway, LONG explanation of my very niche and very uh self-indulgent, not-necessarily-support-by-canon hua cheng apologism LMAO

tl;dr: (this is really Too Long i’m sorry) I think Hua Cheng reluctantly becomes a person during his 800 years of searching, starting from a point where he views Xie Lian not as a person but as an immutable god and focus of devotion and developing into a person who doesn’t really acknowledge that he’s a person because realizing that you want to live and do things for yourself is scary and overwhelming at times, and he ultimately falls in love with Xie Lian during the novel itself as he recognizes and is in wonder of the humanity of Xie Lian instead of his divinity or absolute judgment.

POINT 1: Hua Cheng doesn’t actually fall in love with Xie Lian till the ox cart

but curio! you say, “my beloved!” he calls him his beloved! and the land of tender!!

shhh. IMO Hua Cheng is more Wuming than Hua Cheng for those 800 years. By which I mean, for most of that time he’s, at his heart, a nameless soldier trying to find and serve his crown prince/general/god. He still views Xie Lian as this perfect and immaculate figure—a sculpture, a painting, a work of art that is untouchable and immutable. And he’s utterly and wholly devoted to that figure but devotion is not the same as love

So Hua Cheng is searching and trying to serve Dianxia all these years and then His Royal Highness finally ascends and is a god again and Hua Cheng shows up in all his glory to give this power and strength and wealth to serve him and—

and he’s met not by a powerful and reckless martial god or an unstoppable calamity but by a young man dressed in bridal robes who lets Hua Cheng lead him up a darkened mountain, who doesn’t lash out with spiritual energy or a sword but instead, only eventually, with the cursed bandage he was carrying back in the darkest part of his life.

and i think that throws hua cheng. like he’s had this image of his god all these years, this divine painting made over and over and over again—and he carries that belief and devotion with him, but there’s a crack in the sculpture and the stone is starting to flake off to reveal a human underneath it

so he puts on an approachable, malleable, unassuming skin and finds xie lian collecting scraps and being a lil awkward, a lil bumbling, generous and kind — and i think hua cheng, after 800 years of knowing everything, having everything — I think he looks at this discovery with wonder

Bc tbc this does not mean Hua Cheng views them as equals. For him it’s like, dianxia has even more to him, is even more than I knew. He’s seen Xie Lian as the flower crowned martial god in all his glory and as the white-clothed calamity in all his horror — and now here he is, wonderful, multitudinous, and human

Meanwhile I don’t think Hua Cheng even views himself as a person really, much less a human.

also i mean. the internet & allo ppl prove time and time again that you don’t need love for horniness so. land of tender’s right out as proof on that

POINT 2: The Live For Me thing

so obviously and undeniably, using one person as a reason for living is....not healthy. Not going to argue that. but my take on it personally is that, when Hua Cheng’s a kid who really, actively wants to die and sees no reason for living, Xie Lian gives him a reason to keep going. he doesn’t have to live for himself—that’s too much, that’s too big of an ask—but he’s been given a command and purpose by the one person who’s been kind to him/whom he respects. it’s a little like... “My life has no meaning but my cat needs me to feed him and clean his litterbox and so I need to keep getting up and taking care of him even if I don’t see a larger intrinsic purpose to my life.”

and i think like...it’s easy to forget that for all of books 2 & 4, Hua Cheng is young. He doesn’t live past 18—he’s still like...a kid. And that’s not to say that teenagers/young adults can’t make moral and rational decisions but I’m going to be honest, when I was that age I contemplated joining the Air Force because of tuition assistance and the snazzy uniform despite the fact that I was a vocal pacifist and repeatedly got into arguments with teachers about school rules and conservative politics. It’s not like. The Most Rational and Mature Age, lbr. 

so Wuming is absolutely capable of looking at what Xie Lian is doing and being like “hey maybe war crimes aren’t a great idea” but he is young and traumatized and the one person he believes in, the one person who gave him a reason to keep going, is deadset on this task which tbh I don’t think either of them (or...necessarily...the society in which they live) views as war crimes in the modern sense (which isn’t to say that we as readers should view it any more lightly bc i think the narrative directly and firmly contradicts that idea) but as revenge, as an eye-for-an-eye. so, bad, but character-wise, I think it’s more nuanced than we sometimes consider

anyway back to the fixation on xie lian. i stand by the assertion that in those 800 years, hua cheng wasn’t exclusively focused on xie lian. like was finding and serving him his top priority? oh god yes. undeniably. there is no other version of this story. BUT eight hundred years is like....a lot of time. and i think in that time he started doing things for himself, even if under the guise of serving xie lian. hua cheng is curious and adventurous—he clearly likes to learn even if he plays it off as nbd—and i think he starts to realize that about himself in those centuries even if he doesn’t allow himself to acknowledge or consider it. 

POINT 3: Mt. Tong’lu in General

“okay, sure but what about the thousands of sculptures and murals of xie lian, curio. what the fuck about them.”

Yeah. FINE. okay we will DEAL with this. dealing with this is the entire reason i wrote “(like i do) in the tall grass.” 

disclaimer: this is probably not supported by canon! i also. Do Not care. My Ghost King Now.

so I have two general avenues I take with this:

going back to the devotion > love — when Hua Cheng reaches MTL, he’s seen xie lian beaten and cast down. what do gods need to survive? worship! we see throughout how important divine statues/portraits/etc. are throughout canon. in this interpretation, the cave is a concentration of all that worship in an effort to support and serve xie lian and hua cheng doesn’t view himself like...as part of it. the sculptures could have been carved by any hand so long as they are xie lian and the worship and devotion that goes into their making can support and bolster him.

my personal favorite version: amNESIA IN THE CAVES —okay i don’t have the text pulled up rn but y’know how Guoshi says Hua Cheng was almost dispersed, in terrible condition, etc., when he reached Mt. Tong’lu. so if baby boy is in terrible condition, barely hanging on, etc., then my immediate favorite option is that he doesn’t, at that time, have even the...uh threadbare sense of self he did in life/as Wuming and is running on only a vague and urgent sense of Something driving him—something he has to do, someone he has to serve—and in that case, the paintings and sculptures are part of his trying to piece together and process his memories as he can grasp them and figuring out who he is/what his purpose is. Is this canonical? PROBABLY NOT. and yet here i am. firmly planted on this hill

Also w/ MTL I think a thing that’s often skated over is the mortals, creation of E’ming, and his ascension. Which is important from a meta lens of Hua Cheng and Xie Lian vs Jun Wu but that’s not the point of this rambling monstrosity and i’m trying not to get too distracted. ANYWAY I think this is one of those times when Hua Cheng does something that he would probably excuse as like “well His Highness would’ve wanted me to” or “His Highness wouldn’t have been willing to sacrifice the mortals” because Xie Lian is still largely his moral compass—but it also is a peek at the complexity Hua Cheng doesn’t acknowledge within himself.

uh i got distracted anyway and no longer know what point i was making here. Hua Cheng Ascension Important....maybe i will remember this at some other point...

POINT 4: Live For Me (Revisited)

I sort of got distracted writing that point but anyway coming back to it now: I maintain that although Hua Cheng’s primary pursuit is protecting and serving Xie Lian he also does develop/realize his Accidental Personhood throughout his 800 years. this includes a lot of things, as previously stated, that are under the guise of serving Xie Lian (I’d put learning the Banyue tongue, finding out about the Gilded Banquet, collecting swords, beating the 33 officials etc., in this category) and things that maybe could be but...are not really (e.g., his friendship alliance with He Xuan, Paradise Manor* in general, the Gambling Den, learning the Wuyong tongue, bullying Qi Rong*, bullying FengQing*, playing with gold foil palaces, etc.)

(*these are ones that like...could be said to be for Xie Lian and I think he might say are for Xie Lian but also have a personal element that is just for him. 

Like yes Paradise Manor is a lavish and well-stocked residence fit for a god or crown prince...but it’s also a luxurious and extravagant collection of all the things he couldn’t have in life. it’s like giving a kid a credit card with no limit and letting them run wild through uh. Fuck. A Fancy Department Store. 

And sure Qi Rong was awful and turned on Xie Lian in pretty damning ways, but I also genuinely think part of Hua Cheng’s grudge with him is from the childhood abuse and from just...hatred that Qi Rong is around and looks like Xie Lian and gets to be there when Hua Cheng can’t find Xie Lian (which is about  Xie Lian but for Hua Cheng). 

Similarly with FengQing, sure a lot of his hate is for them abandoning Xie Lian—but he doesn’t even know till Book 3 when they abandoned him, and consider how much more he hates Mu Qing, the guy he blames for kicking him out of the army, etc. Some of it is totally “in service” to Xie Lian but some of it is because Hua Cheng carries a grudge like a goddamn pro and finds catharsis in beating the shit out of immortals who bounce back and can’t stop tripping over themselves and onto his blade.)

[morwensteelsheen]

I struggle with figuring out what the expectations are for aristocratic marriage in Gondor and Rohan. One thing I’ve toyed about with in my head is treating LOTR as not just unreliably narrated, but as super unreliably narrated, and taking ‘the Steward and the King’ not as gospel, but essentially as a bit of PR/marketing. Because wow, isn’t it really, really convenient that the Steward of Gondor/second most powerful man in the realm gets married to the most powerful woman of the Riddermark, Gondor’s closest ally? Isn’t that a little too convenient? What if Frodo just copies down the press release given to him by Faramir and instead of being this stunning high romance, he and Éowyn are basically just a run-of-the-mill political marriage?

(Obviously I don’t believe this fully, but it is an interesting thought.)

Here’s where it becomes harder to justify though, and here’s why I’m really confused about how marriage works for both Gondor and Rohan’s nobility. 

If political marriage were a thing in either of them, it stands to reason that it’s quite strange that neither Boromir nor Théodred are married with kids. The appendices say that Denethor ‘married late’ for having married Finduilas when he was forty-six, but when Boromir dies he’s forty-one. So he’s not far off at all. Théodred is the same age as Boromir, and we know that Théoden was married to Elfhild at least by the time that he was thirty, though he probably married her before that. So Théodred’s really late. 

So not only do neither of the heirs have kids, they’re not even married. Even if they didn’t have kids, you would think that, if political marriages were the norm, they’d be shipped off post-haste, right? Dol Amroth was secured in its loyalty to MT through Denethor marrying Finduilas (and obviously the whole happy go luck proto-nationalism shit that’s going on), and it seems like the rest of the major provinces are mostly in line, so why not use a marriage to secure the alliance with the Mark? I would have Boromir married off to Éowyn ASAP since there are no women to marry off to Théodred. But the fact that that doesn’t happen is interesting, I think. And also really complicates my HC that Éomer/Lothíriel is mostly a political thing, tbh. 

It’s all even more interesting in light of Faramir’s line in TTT where he’s explaining why the Kings of Gondor fell apart:

Childless lords sat in aged halls musing on heraldry...

Because, like, buddy, you are a childless lord sitting in an aged hall. And not only that, but since his brother was unmarried and childless before his death, he was probably always going to become the Steward at some point anyways, even if only briefly. So it’s not like he gets to claim amnesty via spare-status, because until the moment Boromir had kids (which he never did), he was constantly in secondary heir mode. So??? why wasn’t Faramir married off either? My dude was THIRTY-SIX during the war. He could’ve had fuckin hunners of kids by that point, but you’re telling me everyone was just gucci with him maintaining bachelor status?

Also, Faramir pointing it out does have the effect of politicising marriage somewhat. We know that Faramir’s somewhat out of step politically with the rest of Gondor, at least that in he appears to be very, very obsessed with bringing back the Númenor stuff and criticising Gondor over the last five hundred or so years. So if he’s diagnosed this childless lords problem as a problem that led to Gondor’s decay, he’s probably doing it because others don’t really see it that way. ‘Others’ here could be either Boromir (see the bottom of this post) or it could be Gondorians generally, we can’t know. Either way, Lord Faramir, thirty-six years old and unmarried, seems to think that lords not ensuring there were heirs to their houses was a problem. That contradiction/incidental hypocrisy is noteworthy!

I’ve typically taken this in my fics as an indication that the war was quite an intense and cataclysmic thing even before the official War of the Ring starts, and that all of these guys are way, way too busy dealing with that to consider marrying, but that opens up the question — when did things get so dire that securing the future of the ruling houses got deprioritised? Sauron openly declared himself in TA2951, but twenty-six-ish years later both Denethor and Théoden get married, so marriage is still at play in ~TA2976. Not a huge amount happens between 2976 and 3018 in explicit canon. We know that Elrond recalls Arwen from Lórien in 3009 because everything east of the Misty Mountains is becoming dangerous. By this time Boromir and Théodred are 31 and Faramir is 26, which made me wonder if it would be reasonable to have expected any of them to be married at that point. I did some quick math to see how old the title-holders were when they were married, stopping at the fifth generation back to accommodate Thorondir, who was the first Steward to not crack a century of life. Here’s what I’ve got:

(Where an actual wedding year wasn’t given, I based it on the year their eldest child was born.)

(Worth noting that Denethor’s not that much older than Ecthelion likely was when he married, so the ‘married old’ remark could instead be a reference to when Gondorians got married generally, not specifically to the Númenórean lot.)

There’s a chance all these guys got married way, way earlier and just spent ages childless, but… I sort of doubt that. Also I’m doing this based on what I can access from my laptop, so both HoME and PoME might contradict me or give more specific dates. If that’s the case — sorry! 

It is interesting that if we accept HoME’s dating of Faramir and Éowyn’s wedding as TA3020 as canon, then Faramir (married at 37) is actually younger than the average for the previous five generations of Stewards. So is Éomer, because by marrying Lothíriel in 3021 he’s actually just getting in early by a a year or so. 

Regardless, it makes statistical sense that neither Boromir nor Faramir are married by 3009, though Théodred is sort of pushing it. Certainly by 3018 when he dies he’s really taking the piss, but Boromir is still sort of in the clear (but getting up there), and Faramir’s kind of fine. 

We know, at least, that there’s a canonical acknowledgement of Boromir’s bachelor status, per Appendix A:

Rather he was a man after the sort of King Eärnur of old, taking no wife and delighting chiefly in arms.

No accounting for Théodred, though based on Faramir’s bitching about Rohan and Gondor becoming more alike, you could probably chalk it up to the same thing as Boromir. I note, however, that Théodred’s need is slightly more urgent because in absence of an heir from Théodred, the throne would then pass to Éomer. I think we might reasonably assume that he wouldn’t have a problem with this (Théoden might have, given how effective Wormtongue’s manoeuvring was), but we can’t know for certain.

Worth pointing out as well that Elphir’s son Alphros is born in 3017, so it’s not like nobody is getting it on. 

I was interested in what the numbers for the ladies would look like, and obviously this is complicated by the fact that there’s like twenty named human women and even fewer with birth dates/marriage dates, but here’s what the table looks like:

(Because so many of the women we know of are women who crossed between Rohan and Gondor, I put them in columns based on their birth culture, not where they married into.)

Also here’s some fuel for the age gap discourse:

(Can you tell I’m procrastinating my dissertation???)

Anyways, outside of some apparent liberalism towards the ol’ begetting of heirs, there’s not a huge amount of information floating around to help us understand how or if marriage was understood politically in Rohan and Gondor. You get bits and pieces (Aragorn’s ‘no niggard are you, Éomer’ comment at Éowyn and Faramir’s trothplighting, for example, Wormtongue being after Éowyn, for another), but nothing extended or particularly explicit. 

Just one of those things, really… 

[bedlamsbard]

Hi! Question about something in your recent post about season finales. When you mentioned dropping a current WIP, was that with reference to the Kanera “reluctant roommates” story? I have been wondering about the status of that one, as I’ve been enjoying it. Of course, whether you opt to continue anything or not is totally up to you, and I respect and understand that, especially with all the frustrations that SW media has recently been throwing our way!

Not specifically -- reluctant roommates is like a lot of my other concept writing, where it's an idea I'm noodling with without real intent to make it into a full title story. I don't tend to think of my concept writing as WIPs; it's the equivalent of doodling, I guess? I borrowed the term from the concept art that gets done for movies/TV.

I've been doing a lot of low-pressure concept writing over the past couple of years for a few reasons; part of it is that when Backbone was still in progress, it was just...a lot to deal with as a story when I was not having a very good time (I had a major breakup in the middle of it) and I wanted to still be writing but wasn't up to the finer points of Backbone's complicated plot. (There's some personal stuff in there, too, that's related to the breakup but which I won't talk about publicly; a lot of concept writing dates from immediately after that.) From 2013 to 2018 I was writing three major chaptered, titled fics (Wake the Storm, Queen's Gambit, and On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone), probably 800K+ in total (plus the Ouroboros ancillaries like Sound the Bells and Tales from the Eye of the Storm), and coming out of that I just really, badly needed a break from that kind of complex writing, and my attempts to go straight into another major fic failed because I kept freezing up. (For various reasons, many of which I'm not comfortable talking about publicly.) Concept writing was a low-pressure, no commitment way to keep me writing.

I've got three titled Rebels WIPs that are on hold right now -- The Starry Crown, Down in the Devil's Lair (sequel to Devil's Backbone), and Devil's in the Details (part 1 of other side AU, which is the rare piece of concept writing that actually got a full story). If Backbone hadn't been so far along when Rebels ended...I got really, really badly burned on Rebels S4, which also happened in a year that I was not having a good time (to put it mildly), and that rebounded in a lot of ways. I don't remember entirely clearly what happened with my writing at the tail end of S4 and after the finale, but I know I was struggling a lot. (I also didn't realize this until the next year, but all of my 2018 concept writing is "I thought you were dead" desperate reunions lol.) Backbone is also very firmly set in S1, and to finish it I basically had to turn my brain off on S2-4 and pretend they didn't exist in order to stay as firmly as possible in S1 headspace. I could do that for an ongoing WIP; it's a lot harder to do with a story that's not already 300K in. (Which is one of several reasons Lair's on hold.)

Crown dates from 2019, and it's another one I've struggled with a lot because it's...very angry, and I've had many, many days where I couldn't look at it because the emotions I have tied up with the canon and the events it's dealing with are not necessarily emotions I can put aside enough to work on it. Devil's in the Details started as concept writing but edits are a WHOLE 'nother kind of brainwork than fresh writing and I just don't have the energy.

(if anyone is going to ask about All Along the Watchtower, the third Ouroboros story, it is permanently on hold: I won't say never, but I get so much abuse on Gambit and Wake that the whole idea of writing PT characters, let alone writing within the Ouroboros universe, is an instant panic reaction. Every time I get a comment notification on Wake or Gambit I have to brace myself -- there's a reason I had to take a long break from posting anything to AO3.)

The thing with Star Wars specifically -- this is a problem with any ongoing live canon, but Star Wars has been my fandom for eight years and it's the one I can speak to -- is the CONSTANT VIGILANCE aspect, for me. You can't relax when the series or the season ends, even if the characters you're interested in have been killed off. They could come back at any moment, in another form, maybe contradicting something that's been well-established. They might not look the same or sound the same or act the same, but everyone will tell you that they are exactly the same. There are constant rumors about when and where they might appear and those rumors might come true or they might not. Maybe you thought the story you were interested in was important but now it's been given to another character, or it's been retconned, or it's been completely forgotten. Maybe something from the subset of the fandom you're into has already been rebranded as coming from a subset of the fandom you're decidedly not into. The canon will get retconned and everyone will tell you that it's always been this way, obviously, even though you know it's not true. I already have hypervigilance issues, for several reasons, and it's...exhausting. I feel like I've been fighting tooth and nail to stay in love with Star Wars for four years now and I'm just...tired, and there's no piece of Star Wars I love unreservedly right now that makes it worth fighting for at the moment.

This is probably a lot more than you asked for -- the short version is just that everything Star Wars is on hold for the moment because I'm exhausted and burned out on Star Wars.

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

lol okay so I dashed off most of this the day of and then kept not posting it because I kept thinking I needed to add stuff, but then I ended up adding more stuff mostly in reblogs instead (should all be under the “my meta” tag if anyone’s curious) and now episode 2 is technically coming out tomorrow night in my time zone so obviously I need to just post this. bullet points of disconnected thoughts, some of which are probably at least slightly outdated by now but whatever, here you go

seems very possible Mobius left the tape with him on purpose because he figured Loki wouldn’t be able to resist looking at it

would have to check the timing but I’m pretty sure he started looking terrified as soon as Thanos came onscreen without really knowing the context (aside from the very basic outline of “it’s been several years and he reconciled with Thor”), which at least underscores that they weren’t buddies--Loki knew something awful was about to happen the second Thanos showed up sadly this is not true, the clip he sees first is him trying to stab Thanos, so...yeah it stands to reason that he’d know it was about to end badly no matter what

other people have mentioned this but I love that we got to see Loki just like...existing?? like I know he’s never been the protagonist before and seeing him as the protagonist has always been one of the things that’s excited me most about the show, but now that it’s here I’m just kind of struck by how HE’S THE PROTAGONIST so we’re getting all these emotions and little gestures and moments when he’s alone that we only got in tiny, sadly easy-to-overlook snatches before (and it also occurred to me that I don’t think we’ve ever seen Loki eat anything, which is something else that might change)

also his projection is fascinating, and so is the fact that he explicitly turned it around on himself, which seems relevant to all the theories about a lot of his other statements (”freedom is life’s great lie,” most of what he said to Natasha, etc.) being things that were drummed into him on Sanctuary rather than stuff he just came up with on his own, so that seems to cover a lot of the stuff he says in Avengers and here

on the other hand it seems unlikely we’re ever going to get confirmation that Bad Stuff happened to him on Sanctuary aside from what we already saw in Avengers, which is frustrating, although to be fair I also wasn’t expecting to see Loki crying about his family in the first episode (and the most I’m really hoping for, still, is that nothing will explicitly contradict the idea, so...we’re good on that thus far, I guess)

so the first half of the episode was...ehhh, I don’t know, but the second half was amazing. I know some people didn’t like that part either, but I felt like...okay, I don’t love him being humiliated so I would’ve preferred different framing for some of this BUT a lot of casual viewers still see Loki as a cackling caricature without having picked up on any of the stuff that very clearly showed otherwise, and this show wants to treat Loki as a person, someone worthy of audience sympathy, so they kind of had to go in hard and fast on that aspect to get everyone up to speed. like, yes, fans who’ve been paying attention know that Loki’s a person, that he’s wounded, that he doesn’t hurt people just because it’s fun for him, that he feels things very deeply, that he loves his family, but somehow the mainstream perception of him has missed like 85% of that, and the show’s just not going to have much impact unless it gets everybody on board with those very basic ideas. in terms of story structure it probably doesn’t make sense for this to be his lowest point, but starting from the bottom and eventually getting somewhere better is fairly standard, so at this point I can imagine tons of ways things could improve for him

yeah I do hate the whole Sacred Timeline thing, see also my posts about how much I loved that Endgame canonically (I thought) established multiple timelines where everything was fine, so yeah I’m pissed about that because it means those timelines were canonically pruned

like I don’t...hate it as a storytelling device? I just hate it for fandom reasons, and I’ve hated it in other fandoms when canon did something that seemed to open things up to all this incredible possibility and then went “actually no, we’re boxing it up again into this one specific Way That Things Happened” and for fanwork purposes it doesn’t matter all that much, I don’t think it’s actually that much harder to do AUs or go “okay well in this universe the TVA doesn’t exist, whatever” (in fact I wouldn’t be surprised if AO3 quickly develops a new canonical “not TVA compliant” tag for basically all Loki fic), but it is annoying that it’s now like “canonically, every AU is Not Allowed”, and if that ends up sticking as the status quo with the TVA considered good guys or at least a necessary evil then yeah, I’m going to be annoyed

HOWEVER

I don’t think that’s inevitable for a variety of reasons

this whole show is going to deal with multiverse shenanigans and so will Dr. Strange 2, so it seems completely possible that the end result could be a status quo of “there’s a multiverse actually and that’s fine” (...although yes, I’ll be doubly annoyed if the end result of this show is a restored multiverse of some kind and the end result of Dr. Strange 2 is condensing it back down to a single timeline)

the multiverse is a long-running comics tradition, which still seems to be the case even after...whatever event it was that collided a bunch of them and tried for a Highlander thing, look I wasn’t really following it and I know some characters ended up in other universes from where they started but I’m pretty sure we still have a multiverse of some kind

almost all the recent Loki-centric comics have focused on questions of fate and agency

Agent of Asgard in particular was about Loki eventually going “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” and forging a new path (and, okay, it does seem like runs other than AoA have been the most influential here but again we’ve only seen one episode)

Loki, specifically, is an agent of chaos and change, like that’s his whole thing going way back to mythology, because sometimes stagnancy is death and chaos is healthy, and of course myth!Loki (and earlier versions of comics!Loki) is always responsible for triggering Ragnarok, which isn’t just the end of the world but is also a natural, crucial part of a cycle of renewal, and yes the MCU already did Ragnarok but that doesn’t at all mean they can’t play more with those ideas

Tom Hiddleston has brought up this specific point several times in recent interviews, that sometimes chaos is the one thing that's really needed

also, on Jimmy Kimmel the day of the episode, he kind of...planted a seed about the TVA maybe not being uncomplicated good guys because seriously what gives them the right to make these decisions for literally everyone

so at the very least I think it’s completely possible that things aren’t quite what they seem, and that for instance we’re supposed to discover that Mobius is consciously manipulating him to turn him into the type of tool the TVA wants him to be

also “the timeline wants to break free” shows up on a lot of merch, which does seem to indicate a free will vs. predestination theme

I’m not at all familiar with comics!TVA, although I understand they’re considered villains (although to be fair, so were the Skrulls, and at least thus far that’s been inverted for the MCU), but their whole thing reminded me of a few other entities in a way that could be relevant:

the tape running out was like the Norns cutting the thread of somebody’s life

Those Who Sit Above In Shadow in AoA (and also maybe whatever was below the God Quarry in Infinity Wars although I’m less familiar with that)

the gods in Cabin In The Woods, who were also kind of audience proxies in that they really just cared about the sacrifice being entertaining, which kinda seems like the only logical reason for the Timekeepers to prefer any given series of events over another

my personal hope for the series: the Timekeepers are ultimately the Big Bad and the rogue Loki variant is ultimately right in trying to wipe out the TVA (because sure I realize it’s maybe dumb of me but I still don’t want any Loki to be completely a bad guy!!); the major named TVA characters realize they’re the baddies actually and team up with a whole army of Lokis to take them down and GIVE US BACK OUR MULTIVERSE

[writingat-night]

tagged by my lovely mutual @tauremornalome in the first line game!

rules: list the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). see if there are any patterns. choose your favourite opening line.

tagging: @plotdesigner @shuttymcshutfuck and anyone else who wants to! (feel free to let me know if you want to be tagged next time i do one of these writing tag games — i honestly just don’t know which of you write)

okay. so the thing about my writing is that i never fucking finish it, and a lot of my wips are just a jumble of unconnected scenes. technically, i have more than 20 (unfinished) stories, but i’ll only be posting the ones that a) actually Have A First Line, and b) i hope to finish at some point in the distant future.

1. blue seas to mulberry fields (the untamed, nhs-centric, the only half decent fic i’ve ever published)

Jin Guangyao is dead.

He’s dead, run through by Lan Xichen’s sword, crushed under a hundred tonnes of rubble and debris. He is gone.

Nie Huaisang knows this. He does. But one man’s death is nothing compared to a lifetime. Compared to years of shouting for Meng Yao when he needed help. Compared to years of calling him San-ge. Compared to a decade of planning revenge.

2. theon greyjoy and the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day(s) (working title) (game of thrones/asoiaf, theon-centric)

Theon doesn’t know when, exactly, his status in Winterfell changes from prisoner to ward.

The first time he is a prisoner is during the Siege of Pyke. He isn’t a prisoner of Winterfell, not yet. But a prisoner is a prisoner is a prisoner all the same, regardless of if he’s locked in a cell or trapped in his own home.

3. take a chance, remake the world (game of thrones/asoiaf, starks-centric)

Two years, four months, and seventeen days after his coronation, King Brandon Stark, Bran the Broken, first of his name, wakes with a purpose. His first true purpose in a long time. He must go today.

4. your place in the family of things (game of thrones/asoiaf, sansa and theon-centric)

Sansa has always prided herself on her composure. When she was a child, she had spent hours in front of the mirror perfecting her curtsy and her posture and her politest smile. She always says please and thank you and she knows her manners better than any of her siblings ever did. She does all her homework and raises her hand in class when she knows the answer (which is almost always) and earns A-stars in almost every test. She never loses her temper or complains about her workload. Her parents spent a lot of time and money to get her and her sister into this school. She knows that, and she’s grateful for it.

She’s certainly not the kind of girl who breaks down sobbing over her French notes. And yet.

5. untitled whisper of the heart au (the untamed, sangcheng and nie bros-centric)

Nie Huaisang would like to say, for the record, that he has the worst brother in the world.

Objectively, he is aware that worse people exist. Meng Yao, for one. Jin Guangshan definitely makes the cut. Jin Zixun– well, Huaisang hasn’t talked to him since the time he punched him in the face in junior middle school, but he’s sure he’s still an asshole. Maybe Jins just suck, like, as a rule. (Excluding Zixuan. Except, actually, he is kind of a dick. He’s working on it, though, so Huaisang will cut him some slack.)

But as a brother? Mingjue is the worst.

6. bastards anonymous (working title, obviously) (game of thrones/asoiaf, baratheon bastards-centric)

Gendry should have known that Secret Santa with Arya was a bad idea. It’s their first time including her in the present-giving, and they were very clear about the five pound limit. Not a one of them earns above minimum wage, except Arya. She doesn’t have a job, but her allowance is more than Gendry gets paid in a month.

7. the todorokis gtfo (working title) (bnha, todorokis and hawks-centric)

Fuyumi is not a good daughter.

She is not like Shouto. She is not the prodigy, the golden child, the future hero. She doesn’t have a quirk so strong it nearly burnt down the house when it first manifested, a quirk so perfectly balanced that even his appearance reflects it. She doesn’t have a destiny laid out in front of her, ready to be followed like a gold-paved road.

She isn’t a bad child, either, she hopes. Not like Natsuo. They might both be the middle children, in a way (although she’s technically tied for eldest with Touya, she is six minutes younger than him), both the failures, both invisible, but she’s content with that. Natsuo isn’t. She tries to balance out his anger at their father, to get him to just keep his head down and do as he’s told, but the more time he spends with Touya, the more rebellious he becomes.

But, then, she supposes it makes sense, given his circumstances. After all, Fuyumi might not have the unbeatable quirk their father dreamed of, but at least she has one.

8. show me where my armour ends (bnha, dabihawks, because i refuse to let go of this ship and i hate canon)

If there’s a better end to a day of hero work than a shower hot enough to turn his skin as bright red as his wings, Hawks hasn’t found it yet. Being a hero might be hard, but it’s damn worth it for the feeling of washing away grit and blood under scalding water, if for nothing else. After the day he’s had, he’s more than earned it.

9. untitled modern au (game of thrones/asoiaf, theon and the starks centric)

For all that his children seem to believe otherwise, Ned Stark is not an idiot. He has five kids, a sixth on the way, and he has learned something about being a parent in the past eight years.

He is not fooled when Robb comes down for dinner five minutes early, smiling brightly, and says, “Hi, Daddy! Do you want me to set the table?”

Robb had stopped calling him and Cat Mummy and Daddy at the start of the school year, because no-one calls their parents that anymore, Dad, come on, I’m in Primary Four now. He only uses it now when he wants something. And he never offers to set the table.

10. houses out of cardboard boxes (voltron (i know, i know, i’m sorry), adashi)

Adam isn’t nervous, per se. Adam Wadekar doesn’t do nervous. It’s just that this is his first time at a new school since he started teaching, so he may be a little out of practise

(Also, he’s back in California for the first time in years, after vowing to never return. But, whatever. Not the point.)

11. untitled character study (pjo, will solace-centric)

As a rule, Will is nonviolent. Between a staunchly pacifist mom, a complete lack of athletic ability, and a pathological urge to please people, he doesn’t think he could hurt another person if he tried.

But when you walk into your kitchen to see a man with goat legs and two teenagers holding swords, all common sense sort of goes out the window.

hmm. i feel like all of them have a similar.... vibe, but i can’t pin down a pattern, per se. i tend to open with a fact about a character and then some kind of contradiction, a lot of the time. i think my favourites are probably blue seas to mulberry fields, your place in the family of things, the todorokis gtfo, and the will solace one. (mainly blue seas, though. i will fucking finish that fic if it Kills Me)

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

Chapter 4 of my oc fic. I took a bit longer with this one, mostly because I was just staring at it, wondering what to say at this point. Not a lot about Thea, yet, but I am giving canon characters a footing for asking more questions about Thea in the future. There is a reason why Solara doesn’t tell a lot yet, but it’ll be revealed little by little, that I promise. Still a lot of emotional denial on her part, yes, we’re still at that point.

Thank you for reading! And I am happy to answer any questions or critique that you might have ^_^

Keep in mind that this work will have mature content in it, so reader discretion is advised. 

Word count: 5083

Chapter 4

Morning. Another morning dawned, making Solara’s eyes flutter open. Do I have to? She asked herself as she still felt the weight of her eyelids from last night, but fully well knowing the answer to her question as well. So, she sighed and sat up, not daring to stay lying in bed any longer, in fear of falling back to sleep. It was only her second day with the squad and there was so much to be done, so much to catch up to. And she didn’t want to be the newest addition, who slept in right before having to actually start working.

She got up, got dressed and brushed her hair, still tucking her pendant under her clothes and started making her way out of the door. But she was struck with a sensation of having forgotten something and stopped in her tracks. Her gaze went around the room, before landing onto a cape.

She sighed to herself. I can’t believe I almost forgot. I wore it yesterday, but suppose it still hasn’t grown in on me. She made her way to the red piece of fabric and swung it around her shoulders, taking a last glimpse of herself from the mirror as her hair draped over the vermillion braids attached on the front side of it. I wonder what’s the story behind these? She thought while her fingers fumbled with the braids before shrugging and turning away to leave, while her mind immersed itself with the tasks to be completed for the day.

She took out the list of matters that would require her immediate attention, giving it a quick read through as her feet carried her towards the mess hall. A sigh escaped her as she could already feel exhaustion weighing her down, for she knew that today wasn’t going to be easy. I wonder if I can do this right? Well, I mean, this is what I’m expected to do at home as well. And this is something that I have done… at home… But that is precisely what makes it difficult. Or one of the things. I can’t just get caught up in trying to learn the appropriate terminology in this language, but I have to take into account that all the practises that I’m used to, don’t apply here. So, even if something is given, I should regardless, most likely, still check it up with Randal…

She was woken from her thought by a cheerful voice calling out to her: “Solara aneue!”

Her eyes landed on Leo, who waved to her with a bright smile on his face. She folded the paper back into her pocket as a smile tugged her lips. “Morning Leo,” she greeted with slightly less enthusiasm as he had, but all things given, was to be expected.

“Morning!” He flashed her a grin before continuing, “we’ll continue the story tonight, right?” His entire being oozed excitement as they met in a crossing of two hallways, which eventually would lead to the mess hall.

“Of course,” she replied with a pause of her own, “as long as we don’t get to it quite as late as yesterday,” she smiled.

“Sure!” he exclaimed as they continued their way forward.

A brief silence fell between them as there was something Solara wished to ask him, but wasn’t quite sure how to do so. Which eventually lead to her deciding to ask it just how it was, without tip toeing around it, even if it might’ve been something obvious in this kingdom. “Leo? Can I ask you something?” she inquired, giving him a gentle gaze.

“Hm? Sure thing aneue,” he flashed her with an energetic smile, clearly focusing on her.

“What does ‘aneue’ mean?” She tilted her head with an apologetic smile as his eyes turned to her.

He blinked before his eyes shifted to the floor, his hand rubbing the back of his head. “Well… it means ‘big sister’…” he mumbled, as if he had only then realized calling her such. “I just thought that you are very sisterly so I… but I can stop if you don’t want me to call you that,” he stated, a bit more firmly this time, as if to assure her of his statement.

“Leo,” Solara began, as the apology left her expression and reassurance took its place. “I’d be honoured if you call me ‘big sis’,” she continued, making the young lion’s face light up.

“Really?!” he exclaimed without a moment of hesitation, to which Solara only nodded. “I’m so glad! Mereo aneue is lucky to have made a friend like you, and so am I since you’re my friend too. And I’m sure that aniue would like you too!” Leo started pouring his thoughts out without a care in the world, but Solara could feel her heart skipping a beat at the mention of his brother.

The hell is going on with me? I really should get myself checked, since this can’t be normal. I can’t- I don’t even know him! Yes, I keep telling myself that, but it’s true. There is absolutely no reason for me to-

“Solara aneue?” Leo’s voice pierced through her thoughts once more.

“Yes?”  She asked with a smile, which was met with a frown on Leo’s complexion.

“Is everything okay?” His tone sounded worried, too much so for her liking, as he shouldn’t be worrying for her.

“Yes, everything is fine,” she assured him, but saw no difference in his expression. “I’m just a little… apprehensive, since I’ll be starting the work with Randal today and there’s a lot to consider.” She admitted; her statement being truthful, though not the reason for her distracted behaviour.  

“I’m sure you can do it! Mereo aneue wouldn’t have given you the job if you couldn’t!” He cheered, making Solara let out a small chuckle.

“Thank you, Leo,” she smiled. “I have no reason to doubt that, as it’s not a completely new territory for me. But given that there are so many similarities, is precisely what makes it difficult, since I might not even realize that I’m deviating from the norm.”

Leo listened intently to her explanation, eyes wide open, as they reached their destination. “Were you in a magic knight squad before coming here too?” He asked through the chatter of the room as they made their way to the dining table.

“No,” she replied. “Thea doesn’t have magic knight squads per se, even if each of the noble Houses have their hands tied in certain aspects of the government. It’s just that since the Equinoxes and Eclipses have always worked closely with the Royal House, that I’ve been schooled to attend such matters. Though nowadays it’s only the Equinoxes. With the assistance of the rest of the noble houses.” Her explanation continued as they sat down, tension building in her stomach. I can’t say a lot more. Yes, I’ve already been shown a lot of trust on their, which is why I can tell this much, right? Yes. I’m sure that it’s fine. After all, it’s given that building relationships with other nations is relies on interactions and… trust… I have no right to show them distrust. The tug of guilt contested with the built-up tension as she tried to keep a straight face. I just haven’t disclosed this much already this early on. Though technically I’ve known Mereo for some time already, even if it’s a matter of weeks. And I’ve been told that I’m too apprehensive.

She smiled to Leo, who was quick to inquire more: “So you’re royal too?” He asked, enthusiasm clear from his tone.

“No, no. That title is reserved only to the Queen and her family,” she replied, the corners of her mouth staying as they were. Yeah, I should open up more. And I- I want to trust them. So, I suppose I can tell them, as long as it’s within the confines of the law.

“But nobility nevertheless?” Solara turned to look at Randal who was taking a seat beside her.

“Yes,” she replied, but as she saw Randal’s expression, she realized how she had been inconsiderate.

“May I ask why you didn’t mention it before?” His question was more than reasonable, making her gaze shift from him momentarily.

“Well, quite frankly, I thought of it to be of little significance. After all, if I’m here as a member of the squad, I want to be recognized as myself. The status of being noble is only a small part of who I am, and I don’t want that to be the defining factor of my being. So, I didn’t think much more of it.”

A small pause fell between them as they gazed at each other, Randal giving her a nod. “Titles can be burdening, so I can understand your reasoning, but still I would’ve liked to know.” His tone was laced with sadness as he looked away, a slight frown decorating his expression.

Solara opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted.

“What does it matter if she’s nobility or not? I don’t go rubbing my titles into people’s faces.” Mereo stated while taking a seat by the table, raising her eyebrow and giving a stern look to Randal’s direction. “The strong are strong, and the weak are weak. It’s as simple as that and titles have nothing to do with it,” she continued, making Randal swallow.

“But it bears similar connotations as not telling one’s name, does it not? Or giving a false one. Which can make a person feel betrayed,” Solara remarked, giving Mereo a smile, who stayed quiet for a moment.

“Isn’t that statement against yourself?” she asked, pointing out the contradiction.

“Yes,” Solara admitted, “but while I agree with your statement of a title not being an indicator of strength, or their character for that matter, I can also understand why my actions can be seen as hurtful. I didn’t intend it as such, but...” she sighed, “but that’s what I did.” She looked at Mereo, who only nodded, before turning to Randal. “And I apologize for it,” she said, meaning every word.

Randal gave her a small smile as he replied: “It’s all forgiven and forgotten, Lady Equinox.”

Solara grinned at the mention of her title, letting out a small chuckle. “Just ‘Solara’ is fine, as it has until now.” They shared a glance and turned their attention to breakfast, Leo looking as if he was about to ask more, but was told by Mereo, rather forcefully, to eat. Solara’s lips tugged into a smile as she saw the display of sisterly affection, even if it was given in a way that was more than characteristic to Mereo.

This really does feel like home… So, I’ll- I’ll treat it as one, and I’ll put my faith in them. Within the realms of what I am allowed to say and reveal, as I still have a duty to my people as well. I can’t just go around doing quite as I please, and the regulations are there for a reason. A good reason. But just as I’m curious about them, they’re curious about me and my culture. It’s given, but it seems that I’ve been blind to it. And I’ve really only been passing through countries until now… or then they’ve been Ally Countries, so they know about us already. This, this is completely new to me. To be welcomed into a new nation like this, and… she bit down her molars, trying to conceal it as her chewing down her food. And I’m giving these impressions… And they’re rightful impressions in the sense that I really am not revealing everything. But then again, who would? There are things that they won’t tell me, which is only smart of them. But I’m glad. I’m glad that I’ve found people such as these. She smiled as she let her gaze wander around the room, the happy faces and the continuous flow of conversation.

---

“Could you start by revising these documents?” Randal asked while handing Solara a list of the files.

She let her gaze dance over the lines for a moment before replying: “Yes, of course.” She paused as her eyes lifted from the paper. “Something I forgot to ask yesterday.”

“Hm?” Randal uttered, letting Solara ask her question.

“You showed me the archives, but I can’t recall being told where I’ll be working,” Randal blinked at her remark, gears turning in his head as he gazed to the ceiling.

“This was a sudden change of events,” he sighed. “But I suppose, for now, you could use the Captain’s office. If it suits Captain Mereoleona, of course,” he paused as his eyes feel back down. “If not, I’ll think of an alternative solution, or then we just need to prepare an office quickly. Though, that we’d need to do soon in any case,” he shrugged, an action to which Solara joined.

“I don’t mind either way, but if Mereo allows it, I can do these in her office while waiting for being supplied with my own,” she stated while lifting the document in her hand slightly upwards.

Randal gave her a nod before bidding her off and heading to his own office to start his own work for the day.

Solara made her way to the Captain’s office, not too far from Randal’s, and knocked on the door even if she couldn’t feel the flutter of Mereo’s mana anywhere nearby. There was no reply, but still Solara stood in place for a moment. I suppose she’s out taking care of more pressing matters… She thought while opening the door and discovering the room exactly as she had left it the day before. Well… I can’t say that I’m surprised. She smirked to herself while closing the door and heading for the archives to retrieve the necessary files for the tasks at hand.

---

Solara tapped her fingers against the wooden surface of the mahogany desk as she let out a sigh. It really has been a while huh, the thought weighed her as she felt the pressure in her chest, as frustration was trying to break free from her. This used to be second nature to me. Or well, not exactly. But I used to be more efficient than this. I really am not making mother proud at the moment, nor myself for that matter… Though suppose it’s understandable. It’ll take time to get myself back on a roll with this. She lifted a cup of tea onto her lips and took a sip. The amber coloured liquid warmed her bones, melting away some of the tension in her.

It was really nice of Gareth to bring me tea. She smiled to herself. Everyone is being so kind. It seems like this squad is a kind of a family where everyone is seen as their own people. As individuals and not ‘just’ members of a squad. I think I’ll really enjoy it here. She leaned back in the chair with the cup in hand, her head resting against the soft lining. The scent of lavender lingered around her again, bringing her a sense of comfort that she couldn’t remember knowing before. She could feel her eyelids closing as the feeling of being at peace wrapped around her, as if a warm blanket on a cold winter’s day. Her grip of the cup loosened, as she took a deep breath and let out a hum. But before she was overtaken by the sweet cradling of gentle sleep, her eyes cracked open, only to see the still remaining tea in the cup nearing the edge of the tilted piece of porcelain. She regained her composure just in time. “[Really? Now I’m spilling my drinks as well. Almost. That’s just great…]” she mumbled sarcastically in Thean, right before the door opened.

Mereo walked in an raised an eyebrow at her. “Did you say something?” She asked, even if certain that she had heard Solara mumbling under her breath.

“Hm? Ah, yeah, it was…” she paused and set the cup back onto the table. “Nothing important. I was just mumbling out my frustration. That’s all,” she sighed and glanced at Mereo who closed the door on her way in, giving her a nod.

“I’ve never been a fan of pushing pencils, so I’d be doing more than just mumbling it out,” she smirked while crossing her arms and walking over to the desk.

Solara chuckled with a veil of tiredness over her tone, but giving Mereo a genuine smile afterwards as she felt the twitch of the last threads of frustration being unspun from her. “Oh, I can believe that,” she smirked right back, making them let out a small chuckle in unison.

“Anyways,” Solara began, her tone settling back to a more serious one. “Do you mind if I work here while they’re setting up an office for me?” She looked at her friend, who let out a shrug.

“I don’t mind. It’s not like I’ll be spending a lot of time here, so there’s no hurry.” Solara felt her eyebrow tugging at the statement, but brushed it off quickly as she knew Mereo. “Actually, there’s something I need to tell you,” Mereo’s tone lowered as if weighed down by gravity, as heavy clouds settled into the room and her gaze fell to the crimson carpet.

“Yes?” Solara frowned as worry crept to her, the feeling of restlessness tangling to it, eating her insides.

“There’s something that needs my attention, more than the Crimson Lion Kings at this time. They just appointed me as a captain of the squad, but things have been brewing for longer than they should’ve. Things that should’ve been dealt with yesterday, but,” Mereo sighed, her gaze lifting to meet Solara’s. “That’s what you get when you leave men unattended,” Mereo’s statement was stern and unwavering, the seriousness of which both amused and affirmed Solara.

“And now they’re sending you to set things straight?” She laughed while giving Mereo a smirking smile.

“That’s precisely what they’re doing, and not a moment too soon,” Mereo smirked back, before her smile faded from her face. “But I’m planning on getting even and making them pay for what they did to Fuego,” her worry dripped from her syllables, even if only for a passing second. But it was quickly replaced by a stern expression, nothing else, as all the fearless Lioness knew, was to move forward. Despite having a roaring ocean of emotions beneath the surface of her ocean blue eyes, a feeling of sorrow, that was an emotion she couldn’t summon forth.

“So, you need me to stay here?” Solara asked, hoping to pull Mereo from the sea of turmoil. The pair of ocean eyes turned to Solara.

“I need you to keep the cubs in check while I’m gone,” the statement flowed from Mereo, and yet still inflicted gravity and implore that twisted Solara’s heart.

“If that is what you want. Though they could probably get by even without me,” Solara smiled, her eyes radiating compassion, which made Mereo give a subtle smile to her direction.

“Ha,” Mereo scoffed. “They were years without having a woman looking after them, and look where that got them. Ranking fifth in the Star Festival… Never has the squad been humiliated like that before,” Mereo’s tone grew graver, as her eyes lit up with irritation.

“I’ll do my best,” Solara affirmed, hoping to shift the conversation to other things. Mereo only nodded to the statement, letting out a sigh and pausing for a moment.

“I’m taking the squad out for training tomorrow to the strong magic region. They all could use a proper training session.” Solara blinked at Mereo’s statement in surprise, but her expression was soon washed over by relief.

“First thing in the morning then?” She asked, her lips tugging upwards. But Mereo’s eyes shifted away from her once more, even if only momentarily.

“Actually, I was hoping that you could stay here and look after, the base.” There was a small pause in Mereo’s statement, telling Solara that it wasn’t the base itself that Mereo was concerned about, but rather who laid there.

A veil of melancholy cascaded over her complexion as she felt the golden strings of fate clenching her heart while empathy pulled it down to her stomach, the tugging, twisting and squeezing made her feel slight nausea. But she forced the softest smile she possibly could, onto her lips as she simply replied: “Of course.” A trace of relief was cast onto Mereo’s face as she smiled and nodded to Solara. The action making Solara’s condition ease, even if for a tiny bit, but it didn’t remove the weight in her chest. Solara, just as Mereo, was still bound by worry.

She worries so much for her brother, and… so do I, even if- Worrying for another isn’t a bad trait, no, but I- I have felt others’ sorrows as mine, but this isn’t like that. This… this is worry of my own, and I know, I know I keep telling myself that, but I have no reason to feel like this. Do I, do I have a right to feel like this? Solara interrupted her train of thought and directed a question to Mereo: “Are you going out with the squad today already, or tomorrow perhaps?” A hint of gratitude for not getting caught up with her worry passed through Mereo’s eyes as her posture straightened back to the epitome of strength and determination that it usually was.

“Yes. Though there’s a couple of others I need to collect before heading out,” Mereo smirked as if training in the strong magic region would’ve been a game.

“In that case, I’ll keep the base standing until you come back,” Solara grinned, making Mereo scoff amusedly.

“See that you do,” Mereo remarked before heading off and leaving Solara alone with her thoughts once more.

It’s not like I don’t want to watch after his brother. It’s not like I… wouldn’t, want to, ta-ke, care, of him…The admission was forced, but a truthful one. And yet her jaw clenched. I do want to. And it’s important for Mereo as well, so suppose there’s no issue… She sighed and continued with her work, but her mind drifted off from the world of legislation and documentation each time the smell of lavender reached her.

---

Evening had already started to fall and the base was quiet. Not a sound pierced through the shadows as Solara gazed outside into the distance. The squad still hadn’t returned, but given where they had gone, it was no surprise. And though Solara had wished to get better acquainted with everyone, being able to spend a quiet evening all by herself wasn’t a cause of complaint for her.

She had made herself dinner, filling the kitchen with a faint humming of a tune and the smell of food, feeling grateful of the fact that she had learned the basics of cooking despite her noble upbringing. Though, she had to admit that she wouldn’t have done so if her mother hadn’t advised her to know such a skill. After all, if she wished to immerse herself into other cultures, it was more than useful to be able to converse with all citizens and not just with those of a distinct bloodline. And thus, knowing at least the very basics of some domestic tasks would give an easy starting point for some friendly conversation. But as she was alone at the time, there was no conversation to be made. There was only her and the subtle flutter of a candle next to her, as she let herself tune out from the world, and enjoy the serenity of the moment.

She exhaled deeply, feeling the weight of her eyelids, and straightened her posture. I suppose I should start turning in for the night, she thought as she let her eyes wander around the room, and checking that everything was cleaned and put back in place. I think it’s all as it should. Her brows furrowed slightly as she thought, but shrugged as nothing surfaced, and made her way out of the room; the soft glow of the candle lighting her way. Shadows bounced around the walls before being driven away by the fluttering flame, as she travelled down the twists and turns of the hallways.

A quiet hum escaped her once more, making the soft melody echo around her, only to quiet down as she reached the door of the sick room. Solara stopped, her hand on the handle, feeling her brow twitch slightly as she felt a weight in her chest. There is no reason for me to knock. He’s in a coma, so he won’t reply. She sighed. But it also feels wrong to just enter without a knock. Well, as long as I’m alone, nobody will know about me knocking the door of an unconscious person. So, she gave the door a small knock before entering. The sound of wood moving against stone and metal pierced through the air, the sound seeming more prominent now that everything else was quiet. Every single one of them. Every sound, every word, every action, they were heightened by the frozen time. It was just the two of them. Even if she would have to do all the talking. Talking? Well, I do believe Selena when she said that coma patients can hear sounds around them… Though the question of being able to remember them after waking up is entirely different. She thought before closing the door.

“Good evening,” she greeted, letting the words flow from her, gentle as a spring stream. A smile rose to her lips as warmth cascaded over her entire complexion. “I thought that I should check up on you, though I can’t do a lot.” She made conversation as she placed the candle onto the nightstand next to the bed, and moved a chair a bit closer. “But I hear that the doctor… um.. what was his name again?” She hummed while trying to recall the name, feeling slight frustration as names sadly weren’t her strong suit. “Owen…? I believe it was Owen. But in any case, he’s coming tomorrow to check up on you. I hope that you’re doing better.”

Silence fell between them as she thought, wondering if she should say what she wanted to say. “And... I, um,” she swallowed as her gaze fell to the side for a moment. “I would very much like to meet you, so that you’re awake, I mean. So, I do hope that you’ll wake up soon. … That sounds a bit selfish, doesn’t it?” She let out a nervous chuckle, taking a deep breath right after. “But I do hope that you’re still in there, and slowly, but surely, making your way back. … Your family and friends, your squad mates, they’re all worried about you. And I can tell that they miss you a lot, Leo especially. So, I hope that you don’t mind me reading to the both of you in the future,” she laughed, the corners of her mouth remaining upwards. “But no story tonight, after all, we couldn’t have Leo missing out, now could we? Though you already know the story, so suppose you don’t mind.”

Silence fell back into the room as she sat there, quietly, just watching his tranquil state. And even if you did mind, you wouldn’t be able to say… Her expression fell with the thought, bringing the veil of melancholy over her complexion again. “But I trust that you don’t. Or, the very least, that I’d be told by your near and dear if you did.”

Near and dear… she again felt the tug of the strings around her heart, wanting to feel included. Wanting to just give in to the burning wish of just laying her emotions bare, but instead turned her head away in retaliation. Stop it. You’re just being selfish. Yes. That’s what this is. Selfish, unreasonable and illogical. Well, those are all human characteristics and we all have those moments, but That Is Not The Point! The point is that you can’t. Alright? … Just take a deep breath, wish him good night, and be on your merry way. It’s nothing more than a crush. It’s nothing more than a crush.

She stood up and moved the chair away, the echo of her steps being the only sound in the room until she stopped to take the candle. She felt a small kiss of frost from the cold that radiated through the window, as her hand drew closer, guiding her gaze outside. It’s going to be a cold night, or relatively cold at least… She turned her head to Fuego, and to his blanket, that was pulled only up to his elbows, a slight frown raising to her face. I know that you’re a fire mage, but… I- I don’t want you to catch a cold, she sighed and grabbed the edge of the blanket. It was thin, but on most nights would have served the occasion.

She pulled the soft fabric further over him, slouching a bit over him. Her fingers brushed against him, making warm shivers course through her body as she felt blush rising to her cheeks. And by the time, she had pulled the blanket to his collarbones, she could feel her hands trembling slightly. Calm down… she thought to herself as the smell of lavender flew to her through the air as she hovered over his torso, her head much closer to his than ever before. She swallowed as she straightened her posture and closed her eyes.

This should suffice, she thought as turned to collect the candle from the table, focusing on containing her beating heart. Calm down. It’s nothing. This’ll pass. It’s just a… temporary state of insanity caused by … a very intense crush. Her eyelids fell for a moment as she inhaled, allowing herself one final glimpse of him for the day.

“Good night,” she whispered with a gentle smile that contested the first soft rays of morning light, before turning to leave. The golden strings kept a hold of them, imploring her to turn back around, but with the promise of coming back to read for him, the promise of return; the violent twisting and clenching that had been before, was dispelled. Only the silent whisper, asking her stay nearby and visit once more, lingered in the air. And though Solara didn’t notice it, she wore a bright smile all the way back to her room, where it only faded once she was in deep sleep.

[yndigot]

Question: do you have any headcanons/a personal favorite explanation for how Branson could have possibly wanted to return to Downton after being in America? I've been going in circles with his character and what is/isn't shown on screen, but I feel like something major must have happened for him to travel back after being away.

I wish I had really good thoughts instead of just long, rambly thoughts. But my best idea that isn't re-writing the stuff I wish Julian had done with more care is to over-analyze what Tom says and try to wrestle it into something that makes sense!

Like, the straightforward answer is that I think NOTHING Julian gives us justifies this. I'm kind of not sure why he brought Tom back. Don't get me wrong. I want Tom there because I like him and I like the way he interacts with the rest of the family, but Julian didn't seem to write him very consistently re: what he wants out of life, especially after Sybil dies. And not in a way that reads to me like a "grief is making him directionless" deliberate choice. More like "idk what to do with a character like this if he's not shit-stirring, so now that I've integrated him into the family, I don't know where to go next."

I think Julian has a real problem writing working class characters and showing them having desires that don't either a) serve to uphold the aristocracy or b) get painted as sinister in some way. Thomas vacillates wildly between the two -- his ambition to have a life outside of service is often cast as sinister, and then his "redemption" is being the good servant. (Don't get me wrong -- I think if Thomas has to stay in service, he's probably much happier running the place than taking orders, but he gets "rewarded" by having his place in correct order confirmed.) See also: the way Julian seems to treat Anna's "friendship" with Mary as though it's entirely sincere and devoted and uncomplicated by the fact that she depends on Mary and the family for her salary, her husband's salary, housing, and childcare. (I don't have trouble believing Anna would have a certain fondness for Mary after many years, but I find things about the way their relationship is portrayed as though it's uncomplicated and transcends class to be uncomfortable.) And Daisy's ideas about wanting better rights and questioning the monarchy are played for laughs and come across kind of childish. Basically, I do not trust Julian for one second to try to get into the head of someone who, the first couple series establish, is an Irish republican and socialist. Because as much as I enjoy it, I believe Julian writes Downton to glorify institutions that early Tom would want to dismantle, which means he's either a source of trouble, or he needs to be watered down and neutered. We get the first for the first three series and the second going forward from there.

Tom going to Boston feels to me like Patrick Gordon and the endless murder trials -- a storyline that I think got away from Julian and then had to be wrapped up without changing the status quo, even if it was a waste of our time in the process. (I swear I really enjoy the show, I just think it has a lot of flaws!) I just don't think there's a lot there to build on. I went back to check, and the stated reason is that he didn't like starting over again in a new country and didn't like taking Sybbie so far away from family. That's fine? I guess. I loathe that he comes back saying that American capitalism is somehow better than European capitalism and he's kind of digging it now. That's just uncalled for. (I do appreciate that the greater social mobility of the US might appeal to him in that it strips the absolute top layer of society in the UK which is determined exclusively by birth, but I prefer a Tom who wants to dismantle the class system, not just escape the aristocracy and live in a class system that is slightly more permeable to people who get lucky. Julian's bullshit about "American capitalism is all down to hard work so that's why it appeals to someone like Tom!" makes my skin crawl.)

I can think of some things I wish happened in Boston! I don't think they're headcanons in the sense that I think they almost certainly having nothing to do with what we're actually given (and may in fact lowkey contradict some of it), but I'd love to see (or write, if I ever get off my ass) fic that actually deals with what it's like for Tom to be in a job and a life that isn't tied up in the aristocracy anymore for the first time in years (even when he was in Ireland with Sybil, I feel like it would have hovered over them) and confronts what he likes about being in business with his cousin -- and what he doesn't. I know it's 0% supported by canon and even contradicted by it and his new love of sucking capitalist dick, but I like to think of Tom seeing his cousin's purely capitalist enterprise and beginning to form the idea of starting his own business based on a cooperative model. Is it believable that Talbot & Branson has any elements of the cooperative model in the way it's run? Probably not, but I like to pretend. I think, despite the fact that he says he gets on great with his cousin and there wasn't any bad blood between them when he left, it would be interesting if there were some ideological differences about the business.

The absolute most interesting thing that could have happened to him in Boston would have been to see him re-introduced to radical politics, but canon pretty clearly contradicts that and in fact has him become less and less radical as time goes on. Unfortunately. But I'd read the hell out of a fic that explored the way the Irish in the US were funding radical movements back in Ireland and Tom getting sucked into that. I'd also love to see him involved with the GAA or Gaelic League in Boston (or in Yorkshire, tbh -- I want more Tom and the expat community in general). /tangent

Genuinely, working with what we're given, my actual headcanon is super boring. Again, I do think that Tom's life/career drift after Sybil's death is at least as much a product of Julian not knowing what to do with the character as it is a conscious choice to show him lost and grieving (though we do get hints of that), BUT let's go ahead and interpret it as Tom feeling lost and directionless after he's lost his wife and the life the two of them planned together in Dublin. (Let's also set aside whether he'd actually be able to return to Ireland following the establishment of the Free State -- he's working under the assumption that he's lost his wife and his country in the space of a few months and can't get either back.) That's a huge loss and a lot of grief, and the two are compounding each other, and he gets into kind of a rut at Downton over the next few years. I think it's reasonable for him to think "Maybe I can just move and start over, and it will shake up my life, and this lost, listless feeling will be fixed!" And then it turns out that, actually, depression and grief and mourning for your wife and the life you planned together doesn't go away when you go to a new country! It doesn't fix things, it just takes away a lot of the support system he had in Yorkshire (the family generally, but mostly Mary tbh, and Isobel a bit, and maybe people at his church if we look outside what Julian lets us see). I think when he says that starting over in a new country all over again was too much, maybe that's what he's getting at. He may be writing to his cousins and keeping in touch, but presumably he hasn't seen this cousin face to face in years. He may have a few other contacts in Boston in the immigrant community. He can find a church and a community with the GAA and/or Gaelic League and other organizations like that. But these aren't people who've been in his life in a meaningful, daily way for a long, long time. He relied really heavily on Mary (and Matthew for the first year or so) and whatever the rest of his community in Yorkshire looked like at a very vulnerable time in his life, and I think maybe he underestimated how hard it would be to leave that and start over. For all that I whine about the way Tom's written later on in the series, I actually really like his friendship with Mary and Matthew and the way he and Mary seem to drift together after Sybil and Matthew die. I think it works very well and is very believable that, despite the fact that Mary wasn't jumping to welcome him into the family, they would become incredibly close.

Starting over is hard. He's probably trusting Sybbie to someone like his cousin's wife or a woman recommended to him by the local church while he's at work in Boston, and at Downton he was leaving her with the nanny while he worked, but she was in the family home, with her grandparents and aunts in and out of the house all day, and being with a stranger in Boston may have been hard on Sybbie. Also, to go from having a relationship with George that was probably more like siblings than cousins to being separated was probably difficult. Part of the problem could be that Sybbie was having trouble adjusting. And he fell into being the agent because the position was open, and he was drifting after Sybil died, and he needed an occupation, and it feels like he fell into the thing with the cousin because he felt like he was in a rut and wanted something different, and that's what was offered. I'm not sure stumbling between things that are available is the same as making conscious choices about what you really want out of life. Looking at it that way, maybe it's not so surprising that whatever he had going on in Boston never quite gelled. That doesn't necessarily make me think it makes tons of sense for him to come straight back to Downton -- I can think of other choices I'd make for him if the initial plan with the cousin doesn't work -- but for all that he disapproves of aristocracy, I do think he loves the Crawleys and regards them as family by the time he tries moving to Boston.

All that feels unsatisfying. I'd love a good take that had something big happen in Boston, though. Old girlfriend from back in Ireland has also immigrated? Old boyfriend? Is he lying when he says he and his cousin didn't have a falling out? Did he manage to get himself into politically related legal trouble again? (I can't quite make that last one work in my head because while he doesn't seem to mind destruction of property, he seems disinclined to participate in anything that might lead to people getting hurt, and I think he'd be very hesitant to put his neck out in a big way once he's Sybbie's only living parent, but it would be interesting if someone could come up with something. Labor organizing goes sideways, maybe? Even though he seems to be leaning into capitalism more than I like...?) You definitely make me want to come up with something better than the hints we get.