#and it has not been good for my psychological wellbeing

[thegirlinthedirtyshirtmp3]

genuinely never going to get over the death of you and me being the first nghfb single. like. cmon man. why would you do that.

[emotionalmessss]

hope you’re well ♥️ may i request a headcanon where yan!chrollo’s partner escaped but when he confronts them (or however you write it-it’s up to you!) they are really remorseful like “i knew i shouldn’t have left” on their own volition? thank you! ♥️

A/N: ouu, I really like this idea. I can never say no to Yan!Chrollo lol. I’d be more than happy to answer, and I’ll try my best! Thank you for the request, enjoy! :) (this ended up much longer than I expected)

Warnings: yandere themes, unhealthy/forced relationship, stalking, implied kidnapping, kinda implied non-con, psychological abuse, hardcore manipulation. chrollo is a dick.

Chrollo is no saint, but he definitely has the patience of one–though only to a certain extent. With you, however, he seems to have all the fucking patience in the world. Because of Chrollo’s emotionally complex nature, I kind of feel like it’s difficult for him to form emotional attachments, especially with those outside the Troupe. Connections have never really been a priority for Chrollo, nor do they come easily to him. But, with you, it’s different. You’ve always stood out, and his relationship with you is something that he treasures deeply. In his own twisted way.

Ever since Chrollo first laid eyes on you, he’s been utterly fascinated–a reaction that probably confused him at first, considering his interests usually only involve the wellbeing of the Troupe, books, and stealing valuable objects and Nen abilities. Chrollo has utilized all his available resources to gather as much information about you as possible, spending countless hours studying every single aspect of your life. Say goodbye to your privacy because there’s no such thing when it comes to Chrollo. And sure, a few members of the Troupe probably found Chrollo’s behavior unusual, but they knew better than to question the boss.

Chrollo might be completely infatuated with you, but he’s not blind to how difficult the situation is for you–he is well aware of human nature, and even more familiar with you. In fact, he completely understands your struggles. But, does that mean he’s going to let you go? Fuck no. As far as captors go, Chrollo has been incredibly lenient with you, hoping that you’d eventually realize that there is no one else in the world that could cherish you the way he does. And when you escaped from him, you betrayed that sliver of trust he gave you.

Your escape was successful, congrats. Managing to slip past Chrollo’s defenses was a challenge in itself–and you should be proud–not everyone can outsmart the head of the Spider. But, that’s just the beginning, don’t celebrate just yet. Surely, you’ll have to deal with a fuck load of complications, like starting your life over from scratch, fending for yourself, constantly watching your back, and maybe, just maybe, going as far as adopting a completely new identity. Things couldn’t get any more complicated, could they? Oh, they can and they will. 

It wouldn’t be long before you started to doubt and question everything–your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your choices, and most importantly, Chrollo. You might’ve thought you had the upper hand, but somehow, for some fucking reason, Chrollo always has the last laugh. Chrollo would never allow himself to show it, but he would definitely feel slightly irritated with the situation and your behavior. You actually had the audacity to run away from him? Have you forgotten who he is and what he's capable of? It’s not very often that someone would defy him, and part of him secretly applauds your pathetic–yet somewhat amusing–actions. Did you truly believe that he wouldn’t be able to find you again? 

I’d imagine that Chrollo probably saw your sudden absence as nothing more than a minor inconvenience. Annoying? Yes. Unexpected? No. Would he have expected you to be remorseful after escaping? Not entirely. Fortunately for him–and unfortunately for you–Chrollo knows you very fucking well. So well, in fact, that he’s become really good at predicting not only your next moves, but also what goes on in your head. He knew it wouldn’t take long for your mind to overwhelm you–that fresh start of yours isn’t feeling all that fresh anymore, is it? 

Chrollo wouldn’t go find you right away, no, he’d let you struggle for a bit before he made a move. The Troupe would probably question their boss’ somewhat unusual approach to the situation, but they wouldn’t push their luck–they knew better than to risk overstepping any boundaries, especially when it involves you and Chrollo. Just because his love for you is fucked up unconventional doesn’t mean he’s going to act impulsively to get you back, that's not how Chrollo operates, his methods are much more refined and efficient than that. 

But, that doesn’t mean Chrollo won’t be thinking of you. You’re always on his mind. He’d deny it, but the mental image of you–somewhere far away and stressed out, trying to move on with your life–was oddly satisfying. Some might say that’s cruel, but Chrollo sees it as conditioning. And Chrollo is a master manipulator. He may appear relatively passive on the outside, but you should never underestimate him. I feel like nothing is off-limits with Chrollo, and he’ll do anything and everything to make it impossible for you to leave him. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. So, it's really not much of a surprise that you’re remorseful about running away. That’s exactly what he planned. 

From the very beginning, Chrollo has been subtly manipulating and conditioning you, instilling doubt and dependency within you. He’d isolate you from the outside world and from the other people in your life, both physically and emotionally. He kept you by his side, never allowing you to stray too far. Even when you thought you were alone, he was watching. He gave you the illusion of freedom–a door that was occasionally left unlocked, access to his entire apartment, the opportunity to go outside, but only with him. He’d make you question the relationships you had with everyone that wasn’t him, slowly turning you against them. Do they actually care about you? Do they actually understand you like he does? Those were his ways of making sure there was nobody else you can interact with, forcing you to become dependent on him for everything.

Chrollo wouldn’t stop there. There were times when he would let his guard down, allowing you to see moments of vulnerability. He would tell you things–his past, his thoughts–enough to make you believe there was more to him than the monster you feared. When you eventually opened up to him about your own thoughts, he’d listen. He always listened so fucking carefully. He made you feel like he understood you better than anyone else ever had, or ever could.

And it all paid off in the end. For him, at least.

It’s almost been two months without Chrollo and surprisingly, it doesn’t feel as good as you thought it would. In fact, your newfound freedom feels fucking horrible. It doesn’t make sense–you should be thrilled that you’ve managed to escape after being held captive for one year. You had planned this escape for months, spending countless nights going over it again and again in your head until it was foolproof. It worked, yet you were far from satisfied.

Feeling more than a little conflicted about your state of mind, you move to sit on the couch in your living room. The old, faded piece of furniture creaks beneath your weight as you settle into the cushions. It felt cold and unfamiliar. The couch was probably older than you–faded, torn, and pilling–unlike the expensive plush one that Chrollo has. That one felt warm and familiar. Anxiously, you stir your half drank cup of coffee and take a sip, grimacing slightly. Even his fucking coffee was better than yours. 

This new life was supposed to be a fresh start, but instead, it was a constant reminder of everything you left behind. It seems that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get Chrollo out of your mind. Every little sound–footsteps, doors opening–sent you into fight or flight mode, always on edge. It felt like you were living with a shadow that was slowly closing in, but you weren’t entirely sure if you wanted to run away from it. Fear, longing, and resentment were just a few of the emotions you’ve learned to cope with, but it never got any easier. 

Part of you missed the late night, deep conversations, the way he listened intently, as if your words were the most important thing in the world. Now, your nights are restless, haunted by constant nightmares involving a certain raven haired man. Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome? There’s no way to be sure–therapy costs money, and you aren’t exactly rolling in it. Your hands tremble as you place the mug down, spilling the dark liquid all over the side table. Still trapped in your mind, you get up from the shitty couch and head towards the kitchen, moving to grab a rag to clean up the equally shitty coffee. 

A small creak from behind catches your attention, making you pause momentarily to glance over your shoulder. Like countless other times, there's nothing there. Maybe you don’t even need a psych to diagnose you, since you’re already going insane. Sighing, you grab the rag and start walking back toward the living room. 

“A bit late for coffee, is it not?” The smooth sounding voice instantly makes you freeze in place, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with a rush of emotions. There’s a certain lightness in his tone that’s not usually present–it’s almost like he’s teasing yet chiding you. Either way, you weren’t going to concern yourself with the semantics.

It feels like your body has been completely paralyzed. Yet, somehow, you manage to summon the courage to slowly turn your gaze towards the source of the voice, finding it at the front entrance of your apartment. What you see is enough to make you feel faint, your head spinning and your stomach dropping like a stone–it’s Chrollo, looming in the doorway, his large eyes focused solely on you as a soft, enigmatic smile plays on his lips. Unconsciously, a whimper escapes your lips and your mind suddenly kicks into overdrive, frantically attempting to process the overwhelming reality of what’s happening. All those conflicting thoughts from moments ago flood back into your mind.

You find yourself caught in a whirlwind of emotions, torn between the relief of finally seeing him again and the chilling fear of what this unexpected encounter might bring. You had started a new life here, a life that was simpler, quieter, more peaceful. But as you stand there, facing Chrollo and the flood of memories he brings, you can't help but question–was it truly peace? You must’ve only been standing there–stuck in your thoughts–for a few minutes, but Chrollo seems to notice your dazed state and decides to speak up again, effectively snapping you back to reality. 

“May I come in? We have so much to discuss.” Chrollo says, his voice as gentle and as reassuring as you remember. Without waiting for your response, he's already stepping across the threshold and moving into your apartment, making his way toward the living room. His approach is calm and measured. It’s almost as if he’s been in your apartment a thousand times before, and as if he has all the time in the world. Rooted to the spot, your hand trembles as you clutch the damp rag, watching as Chrollo takes your previously occupied seat on the couch.

“Chrollo?” You find yourself whispering, your voice barely more than a shaky exhale, hesitant and filled with uncertainty. Saying his name after the silence of these past months feels strange, foreign, but oddly enough, you find yourself not hating it. Chrollo doesn’t immediately respond. Instead, his gaze remains fixed on you as he sinks deeper into the couch, leaning back casually and letting his hands rest on top of his thighs. The silence stretches on, lingering too long, and a part of you believes he’s doing it on purpose. 

“You seem troubled,” Chrollo observes, his dark eyes softening a fraction. “Come, sit. Let’s talk.” He insists softly, tilting his head toward the empty spot next to him on the couch, a silent command for you to join him. Despite his calm demeanor, it’s quite clear that he won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He won’t deny it–your little escape was mildly infuriating. But he wasn’t entirely without compassion–at least, that’s what he liked to believe.

Your chest tightens painfully at his words, each breath feeling like a struggle, as if your lungs are refusing to expand. Your vision blurs as tears gather, threatening to spill over at any moment. You’ve reached your breaking point–the emotions you’ve been painstakingly avoiding have finally surfaced. The ache of remorse gnaws at you, a torrent of regret and guilt that you've been desperately trying to suppress. You open your mouth to respond–to say something, anything at all–but find yourself choking pitifully on a sob, no words coming out. 

The tears start to fall, pouring down your cheeks as you stumble blindly toward the couch, dropping the rag on the ground and barely registering the resigned sigh that Chrollo lets out. You plop down onto the couch next to Chrollo, feeling utterly pathetic about your current state. Not even a second later, Chrollo’s arm slips behind your back and wraps securely around your waist, pulling your trembling body toward his. You don’t fight it, instead allowing your face to bury into the comforting warmth of his chest, while his hand gently cradles the back of your head.

“I’m sorry,” you repeat over and over again, your voice cracking as you sob into his chest. 

Chrollo’s quiet again, the silence only broken by your sniffles and unsteady breaths. His fingers thread soothingly through your hair, softly shushing you. “You’re okay, I’m right here,” he reassures, his voice stripped of its usual firmness, now softer, gentler, almost tender. His expression remains unreadable as he looks down at you, his eyes revealing nothing of thoughts that are undoubtedly coursing through his mind right now. Internally, however, he feels a tinge of satisfaction upon hearing your apologetic pleas. Maybe things can go back to the way they were, or maybe they'll morph into something new, something better. 

There’s another pause, a moment where he lets you compose yourself. He doesn't mention your escape, or the remorse you've shown–not just yet. In truth, Chrollo is not the least bit surprised by your emotional spiral. He knows you well enough to understand that this is not merely a reaction to his relentless pursuit and eventual discovery of your whereabouts. No, this is an entirely different kind of response, one born out of internal conflict.

If it were any other man in this position, they might have felt guilty for putting you through so much torment. But Chrollo is not ‘any other man.’ Far from it. As he watches you break down in his arms, he doesn’t feel any guilt. He doesn’t see your suffering as something he should apologize for. Why would he? For Chrollo, he sees this as a necessary consequence of the bond he’s carefully created. And he can see that you’re finally starting to understand.

During your time together, Chrollo had a way of making you question everything. Slowly but surely, he instilled a sense of doubt and dependency within you. It was never obvious. That wasn’t his style. 

He had a way of making you believe that the outside world was cruel and dangerous. Every time he caught you looking at the door, he’d remind you–without even needing to say a word–that he was the only one who could truly protect you. A raised brow and slight tilt of his head was more than enough to remind you of everything he had told you before. He was never threatening about it, he didn’t need to be. A simple look from him was all it took for you to hesitate, to second-guess walking out that door. 

Would it really be better out there than here? Could you really handle Yorknew City? Surely, there were people out there much worse than him, right? People who wouldn’t think twice about taking advantage of someone like you. You could imagine it so vividly: faceless men with rough hands that wouldn’t give a shit about you, your struggles, or your pleas. They’d only see you as a pretty little thing to use. Chrollo never said it outright, but the implication was always there: he wasn’t like them. His touches, though somewhat unwelcome and borderline possessive, were never violent. 

At least with Chrollo, you knew the rules and boundaries–his rules and boundaries. And he never lied to you, not really. The world really was dangerous. There really were people out there who would hurt you. He made sure that you believed he was the best choice. And who else was there for you, really? Not your friends, the ones he slowly convinced you that they didn’t care as much as they claimed. Not your family, who couldn’t possibly understand the complexity of your situation. No, it was just Chrollo. He wasn’t the monster you wanted him to be. He was something far worse: he was everything you didn’t know you needed. And that was much more fucking terrifying.

Finally pulling himself from his thoughts, Chrollo decides that he’s made you suffer in silence for long enough. “You should not have tried to escape, [name],” he says, his voice gentle but carries a clear note of criticism and disappointment. He deliberately uses your name, refraining from the endearing nicknames he usually employs. It's a subtle punishment, a way to remind you of your mistakes. He knows exactly what kind of impact it has on you–how the distance it creates makes you feel small, like a reprimanded child. “Predictably, it didn’t end well.” His tone is soft, almost conversational.

Chrollo pauses again, his fingers suddenly halting their soothing rhythm in your hair. Abruptly, he withdraws the comforting contact, depriving you of the warmth you didn’t even realize you’d come to depend on. You can’t stop yourself from tensing in his arms, struggling to stifle a choked sob. You can’t see it–not with your teary face buried in his chest–but there’s a faint curl of his lips, a flicker of satisfaction at your reaction. The bastard knew exactly what he was doing. He lets out a deep, exaggerated sigh, his hand pulling away from your scalp completely. Now it rests on the frayed backrest of the couch, lazily tracing patterns on the rough fabric. 

“Running… it doesn’t suit you.” The words are so plain, so final. It's not suggestion or opinion, but a fucking fact. It’s the way he always spoke to you, as if he knew you better than you knew yourself. “It only leads you to pain and suffering. Surely, you’ve realized that by now?” There is no anger or frustration in his voice, just that same steady, disorientating calm that makes you second-guess everything. He speaks as if this entire situation is simply an inconvenience to him, which makes it near impossible to decipher his true thoughts and feelings. 

And then, Chrollo gently but firmly tilts your head up, leaving no room for you to resist him. Not like it would do you any good. Forcing you to meet his gaze, he studies you intently, his dark eyes partially shielded by the strands of raven hair that fall across his pale face. “You’re an intelligent woman,” he murmurs, and for some reason, it felt more like he was mocking you rather than giving you a genuine compliment. “I’m certain that you can grasp the situation.” As he speaks, his grip on your face tightens significantly, hinting at the threat that lies beneath his words. It’s his little way of telling you that you should know better.  

You wince as his fingers dig into the soft flesh of your jaw, more out of surprise than pain. The pressure isn’t unbearable, but it’s enough to remind you of his control. You don’t have much faith in your ability to form a coherent sentence right now, not when your throat feels tight and your thoughts are a jumbled mess. Instead, you nod in response, hoping it’s enough. 

Chrollo’s eyes flicker with approval, and maybe a hint of amusement. It’s impossible to be sure with him. He releases your jaw as he lets out a satisfied hum of acknowledgement, now wiping away a few stray tears from your damp cheeks. The gesture should feel comforting, but instead, it leaves you feeling hollow, like being soothed after a punishment you never deserved. “Good girl.” The praise rolls off his tongue easily, but there’s no warmth in it. “You’re emotional,” he says, almost to himself. “But you’ll understand in time.”

“It’s time to go home. We’ll continue this conversation later,” He adds, reminding you that this matter is far from resolved.

[firenati0n]

hello friends <3 thank you for all the tags, i know it has been a while. i haven't written anything since december beyond what i have snipped below, a fic i posted on ao3 last week after experiencing something personal and painful. the fic is neither, i promise! it is a space au full of yearning and hope. but some readers mentioned crying, so. your mileage may vary lmao

i wish i had more to share or something new, but i think this is going to be my last fic for a long long while. i know this isn't an airport and i don't need to announce my departure, but i wanted to say that so i didn't just randomly disappear off socials like i had intended. i really appreciate all the support and kindness over the last few weeks (and months, and year), especially this past one. i am proud to go out with this one. :)

i'm floating in a most peculiar way, and the stars look very different today :

There’s no such thing as snow in space. There is, however, a sophisticated array of screens on the ship that project images lining up with Earth seasons. Today it’s a flurry of snow against a familiar skyline. Winter in London. Henry stopped keeping track of things like months and cities and weather around thirteen years ago. The only unit of measurement that matters to him is how far away he is from his destination. DAVID—the Endurance spaceship’s Deepspace and Astrobiology Vault of Interstellar Data—says the screens are for Henry’s psychological wellbeing, that the void of space and unknown stars would slowly drive him to distraction, to insanity. But what good is sanity without humanity? The stars remind him that he’s a person, living and breathing and defying expectation. They remind him that he’s so close. The sharp pull in his gut intensifies.

thank you for reading and commenting and being a great community. grateful for good people. <3

xoxo roop

p.s. i anonymized my musician/icarus/orpheus and eurydice fp au people ruin people, i don't wanna ruin you, so subscribing to it is the best way to get updates, if that is of interest. not abandoned, just slow. thank you <3

tagging everyone back under the cut:

@cha-melodius @onthewaytosomewhere @sophie1973 @rockyroadkylers @saguaroblossom

@theprinceandagcd @porcelainmortal @run-for-chamo-miles @blueeyedgrlwrites @judasofsuburbia

@zwiazdziarka @sherryvalli @suseagull5914 @14carrotghoul @caterpills

@dumbpeachjuice @rmd-writes @tailsbeth-writes @ninzied @anincompletelist

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@onward--upward @whimsymanaged @priincebutt @welcometololaland @cheesecurdsgravyandfries

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@miharaikko @shesfromboston @kj-bee @msmarvelouswinchester @jafffacakess

[dustisus]

og trilogy things that might come up in tgr

idk am rereading the og trilogy and here are some things that could be relevant in tgr maybe. just as a reminder ig. (i don't have exact quotes or page numbers for tkm bc i listened to the audiobook so they are paraphrased but for tfc and trk the quotes are word-for-word). ordered by theme, my comments at the end of each theme

Fans (of the Ravens)

"[Kevin and Riko's] unconventional childhood led many to worry about their psychological well-being but also fueled a rabid obsession with the pair." tfc p20

"Riko's freaky fans" (said by Nicky) trk p75

The whole Kathy interview + "The only look in [Riko's] eyes was murder." tfc p219

Comments: We know fans of the Ravens can be obsessive and extreme, but we also know that even before more questions were raised about conditions in the Nest, people were concerned about the psychological wellbeing of Kevin and Riko. We also know that Riko has been on TV looking murderous, long before the finals, which was the last straw. I think people might start looking into Riko when they start looking into the Nest and start realizing he was never okay/normal/whatever.

Jean

"'Fun is for children,' Jean said" trk p91

"It'd barely left his net before Jean checked [Kevin] hard enough to knock him over." trk p144

"'A dog who bites his masters hand deserves to be slaughtered. The location and audience are inconsequential.'" (said by Riko) trk p282

TKM, loosely quoted. Wymack about Jean and Kevin: There's too much between them, good and bad and ugly, for them to ever make things right.

Comments: Just a few pickings. I hope Jean changes his mind about fun, though he may not find Exy fun. We know Jean can check Kevin to the ground, hope that comes up again. I sure hope that thing about the dog biting the master's hand doesn't come up again, but with all the starved dog imagery I think it's inevitable. For the final one; yeah as I reread the og trilogy I'm losing more and more hope about Jean and Kevin reconnecting. I think they may just need to heal separately.

Jeremy

Mentioned in TKM: Jeremy has a "toothy smile".

Comments: This was mentioned no less than 3 times, so it must be important. If you only remember 1 thing from this post, it should be this.

The Trojans

TKM, loosely quoted: The Trojans had never been caught by cameras saying something rude about an opponent.

Comments: But that could change? Place your bets now on who's caught shit-talking the Ravens.

Kevin

TKM, loosely quoted: Kevin looked contented just to be standing on the Trojans' court. [...] Kevin gave Jeremy one of his rare real smiles.

"I don't have perfect control over Andrew, but Kevin owes us his life and I can get to Andrew through him." (said by Wymack) tfc p53

"Kevin needs someone who can keep up with and challenge him. Fortunately she is also a Raven alumnus, so she knows the repercussions of getting caught with Kevin. Maybe they'll have more luck after we've settled things with the Ravens this year.'" (Renee about Thea) trk p181

TKM, loosely quoted, Neil and Wymack speaking: N: You don't think Kevin will tell Thea the whole truth? W: Unlikely. He won't put her at risk like that.

TKM, loosely quoted: "I know what he's like" [...] "Riko. If you want to talk" Kevin was known for his talent, not his sensitivity. Consideration and tact were foreign to him. That he tried at all was so unexpected it felt like a balm.

Comments: Kevin's so sweet to be happy just to be on the Trojan's court. I hope he gets to be happy for a bit in California, even if the interview goes to shit. "Kevin owes us his life" uhhhh I hope Jean doesn't inherit that mindset. I think if we do get more Thea interactions, it will make more sense why she and Kevin are together, even though Kevin may not be entirely honest with her. Will be interesting to see how long they remain unofficial. Also Kevin can show sensitivity! I hope he gets to in TGR.

The Ravens

"This was a dark and heavy tune, an intimidating message of death and domination. The Ravens took their image seriously. Neil guessed they had a lot of intensive counseling in their futures." trk 142

TKM, loosely quoted, during Thea appearance: It made Neil wonder how the Ravens fared after they left the Nest's hivemind. Maybe it took years to recover. Maybe they never did. Maybe they broke and carried pieces of Evermore with them the rest of their lives.

Comments: You know it, Neil! None of this bodes well, for any of the ex-Ravens. But I think that when TSC3 is over, Kevin and Thea might be the ones carrying the broken pieces of Evermore. Jean probably too but I think he will have healed better. But idk.

--

hope this massive post interested you! (tell me if there are any typos) a week til tgr. wow. kevin voice: we're all going to die. yeah feel free to add anything or come with theories in the notes.

[themanyhobbiesoffem]

27012025

More studying, being creative and walks

The past few days were quite peaceful and enjoyable. Just repeated my psychology material, and nit to put a curse on myself, but I am feeling quite confident! If I can keep it up until Thursday, so this was definitely a lesson that I can start later with studying.

Finished Victorious, gave it five stars. I sat in disbelief the last ten pages.

Did some work on my cross stitch

Took more walks, really liking it and hoping to keep it up the rest of the year!

Did some more work on my fingerless gloves, going slow but steady. We’ll see if I finish these before it gets warm again :)

So yeah, not a lot to talk about but I really needed some time to recover from the stress I got from my deadlines. Positive things were the journaling, reading and generally doing some stuff that has been good for my wellbeing!

[glitter-stained]

You guys.

I love you so much. Please note that I am making this PSA with a heart full of love and gratitude. I love your asks (even I take ages to answer them), I love the conversations and the questions and the comments and I'm so happy you guys are interested in the psychology and meta stuff I write.

With that being said ,

Psychological analysis, psychology analysis, literary analysis based on psychology, psychology meta... These words refer to the posts I make about comics.

Psychoanalysis refers to the pseudoscience invented by Sigmund Freud that some therapists who lack remorse and/or critical thinking skills practice without respect for the scientific method, the wellbeing of their patients or general human dignity. This is the only post I have ever written that might qualify as psychoanalysis (and it's more like psychoanalytical analysis).

Please stop calling my meta posts psychoanalysis I'm begging you, it comes from a good heart and I am thankful but it hurts every time 😭😭

This has been a PSA

Anyway thank you very much I love you.

[drdemonprince]

Do you worry about being so open about your sex life under the same name you use professionally? How did you settle on your current approach to talking about kink/fetishism publicly?

That's my question. Below is some background but feel free to ignore it.

I'm asking because, like many people, my kinks are integral to my sense of self and engaging in BDSM has been significant for my psychological wellbeing. I don't like keeping these important aspects of myself separate from the rest of my life and I'm jealous of the people I meet at munches who share openly kinky stuff on their regular Instagrams. But I also have relatives on all of my socials, including a few adult family members who take any opportunity to create drama or get on their high horses, and teenage cousins who obviously shouldn't be given information about my sex life.

I like using social media to connect with people, and it feels harder to do that when big parts of me are walled off. I'm so worried about sharing anything 'inappropriate' that I'm only presenting this bland, watered down version of myself and it makes me feel alienated. Making side accounts is one option, but it feels like compartmentalising and involves more 'personal brand' management than I care to juggle.

That's without even touching on in-person disclosures. How do I embrace these aspects of myself without acting like they're shameful, but also without being obnoxious or unfair on other people who might not want to know?

I know "authenticity" can be an unattainable ideal, especially on social media platforms that necessitate curation, but I do want to stop tying myself in so many knots over this (in the figurative, unsexy way).

Sorry for venting in your askbox.

Yeah, I have a lot of thoughts on this.

I don't worry about the potential of my speaking openly about my sex life ruining my professional life because I hate my professional life and professionalism in nearly all forms. I have nothing but contempt for the academy, social psychology, my employer, the publishing industry, 99% of the organizations that hire me to provide workshops, and a decent-sized subset of my readers who are of the more liberal end of things. Alienating myself from these institutions and people and making myself incompatible with their viewpoints feels as necessary to me as breathing air.

when I was very young I was concerned with making myself palatable to academia and shucking off everything that was unprofessional and hillbillyish and childish and weird about me, but then I learned what success within the academy really entailed. I heard faculty members shrug and say they "didn't really care" about the topics they were studying (topics like racism, sexism, transphobia, etc) and were just publishing work on these subjects to further their own careers. I was trained to use questionable research protocols that generated false positives and specious results. Nearly all the research that I worked on for three years of undergrad and five years of graduate school would eventually be discredited due to failure to replicate. And I realized that I was being taken advantage of all the while, mined for cheap labor on meaningless projects that meant nothing scientifically, making $14k a year in a field where there were no future job prospects.

by the time i finished my PhD I knew that I wanted to be nothing like the people that had trained me and taken advantage of me, and that I had useless skills in a dying field. I was plenty happy to cut the shit by then and be real about who I was, what I believed, and what was and wasn't a virtuous use of my time. This only became more pronounced after I was screwed over by even more employers as a part-time instructor, and then finally hired full-time in a department that was doing good work, but which was constantly getting undercut by those in higher up administrative positions.

My entire career I have essentially been daring people to fire me and they never seem to do it. No matter how much shit I talk about the university and my profession and no matter how much I bear about myself, I just keep getting rewarded for it and allowed to float along relatively unbothered. There's a power in having a lot of audacity. I am not ashamed of who I am and I don't worry about how my employer and colleagues see me because as a whole I have zero respect for any of them or their opinions. (I have some individual coworkers who are great! but they dont represent Psychology or Academia as a whole or its values. my coworker friends are supportive of my freaky trans kinky self).

It's much the same dynamic in my family. I have no respect for the majority of people in my family and I don't concern myself with how they might react to the things I have to say. When I first started writing openly about Autism some relatives found it deeply offensive and talked a lot of shit about me behind my back, saying that I was embarassing all of them by associating us with a disability they found shameful, but my mom communicated to those relatives in no uncertain terms that I was gonna just keep doing whatever the fuck I wanted and they'd have to find some way to deal with it.

My mom had already learned that about me firsthand. I complain about her sometimes but I do have immense gratitude to her for just accepting who I am, even if there are elements of it she can't understand and probably does not feel good about. She learned a long long time ago that I was on my own separate planet and that there was nothing she could do to stop me from running my mouth and living my life, and I'm thankful to her for that. My actions have set the tone with my family pretty clearly: i came out as trans publicly before I told them, I started hormones and changed my name/gender marker without consulting them and then told them it was a fact already and they'd need to get in line. I approach most things about myself that others might take issue with in the same way: it's a fact, it's fucking happening, and you can't tell me shit about it that is going to keep me from doing it. and if you're too much of a dick about it I might end up writing about you in a book or essay so watch out, I guess.

That sounds more vindicitive than how I actually feel most of the time, of course. I just don't think about the opinions of people I don't respect. I care about what my friends think of me, and the people I look up to, and I try to rise to a level that is worthy of them. And of course I do experience fear of ostacism and failure in those respects and have not always coped with it in a confident, principled way. But with my aunts and uncles or my boss? Fuck them. I have no desire to win their approval because I've seen what they approve of and it sucks.

All of this is possible because I am not financially reliant upon my family, of course, and because if I lose my job I would have a back-up plan. I've always done freelancing and side writing gigs, even back when I was a part-timer with really insecure teaching jobs, and so the loss of any one position has never felt that catastrophic to me. I was already released by my PhD program into economically shaky ground and I never had a prayer of having a successful tenure track academic "career", so I'm not afraid of losing that. that's already gone. I feel generally pretty confident in my ability to scratch by making a living doing this or that even if somebody fires me, and I won't have to ask relatives for money so it really does not matter if I alienate any of them. that is an IMMENSE PRIVILEGE and someone not in that position shouldn't compare themselves to me or expect themselves to have that same degree of confidence. sometimes you have to just keep your head down to survive and there's no shame in that either.

as for the question about "authenticity" as an idealized end state and how to reconcile it with social media, here are some of my thoughts: it's not authenticity if it is focused on how other people interpret you. authenticity is letting go of trying to manage what other people think about you. that means you dont ever have to broadcast everything about yourself to the public or on social media, you dont ever have to share something that you dont want to, the pursuit of being perfectly understood is one that will never be fulfilled and there is no need to make oneself unnecessarily vulnerable just for the sake of appealing to people who might not ever understand and accept you anyway. authenticity is more about an energy than about revealment. it's an energy of self acceptance, not necessarily self love, and it's not something that one broadcasts, it's something one cultivates by developing secure, supportive relationships, improving one's self knowledge, and by working through one's baggage.

[ddarker-dreams]

hi locky!!!♡ this might be really personal, but have you thought about SR reader being comforted by her boys after or during an anxiety stage? if you feel fine with it, of course🥺💕 it's just that your SR story is a comfort to me🌸

HI HI i have seen you in my notifs enjoying SR and it's brought me lots of much joy!!!! i consider it a comfort series too, so i'm happy whenever i see it fulfills a similar role for others. coincidentally, i've thought about how anxiety might play a role in SR reader's life. she has a lot to be anxious about tbh hjrktme she doesn't want to take the time to process things and would much rather distract/keep herself busy... it's an element of her characterization i haven't explored enough!

[Scarlet Ribbons index]

Warning: Depiction of anxiety/panic attacks.

Giorno

Giorno is checking you all over for injuries that aren't present, given the attack's psychological nature. Once he confirms there's nothing physically wrong, his mind goes back to the long nights he spent without his mother as a child. That level of visceral panic mimics what he's witnessing here. He does what he wishes he had a parent around to do for him — speaks to you in a low voice, reassures you that he's not going anywhere, that it's going to be okay. He'll gently remind you to breathe. Considering he's improvising on the spot, he does a good job. He'd have a lot of questions, ranging from how frequently this happens to if there's any way to circumvent it, but he'll hold his tongue until things settle down. His initial panic further reveals to him just how much he cares for you and your wellbeing.

Bruno

Bruno never loses his cool, but seeing you succumb to this paroxysm out of (seemingly) nowhere almost has him spiraling. He's known you the longest out of all the others, so he mentally derides himself for not catching onto this earlier. The cheeriness you exude masks anything you don't want others to see. He wants you to feel comfortable enough to tell him anything. Due to his protectiveness over you, he might insist on going to the hospital, so long as you aren't vehemently opposed. The powerlessness he feels watching you battle your anxiety is the worst part, he wants nothing more than to make it stop. He might be a bit pushy about getting you to explain what just happened if you aren't volunteering the information. It comes from a well-intentioned place, though.

Fugo

Fugo does surprisingly well considering how delicate the situation is. He excelled at academics, which naturally encompasses psychology as well. He probably understands what's happening here best. This knowledge doesn't translate seamlessly into reality — due to the tension in the air, his words come out more clipped than he intended — though he's still able to lead you through some steps to calm down. It's a touch clinical but it works. Afterward, he's digging through scientific journals and learning everything there is to learn about anxiety. He's especially interested in what may have caused it, so that you can avoid it repeating in the future. He's practically a licensed psychiatrist by the end of the week. Obtaining knowledge helps him feel more in control of an otherwise chaotic situation, so this is his way of making sense of things to help you better.

Mista

Mista snaps into a more serious version of himself immediately. He has excellent interpersonal skills, from your body language alone, he could tell something was wrong before the panic attack actually occurred. It helps that he also knows you like the back of his hand. If this is the first time he's been around for this, he'll use his intuition to infer the best way to help. Should you seem receptive to it, he'll talk to you in a low voice, serving as a grounding figure amidst the tumult. He has this infectious optimism that you can't help but be soothed by. When you're feeling up to it, he'll ask if you wouldn't mind telling him what that's about. He definitely doesn't want you to have to go through it again.

Narancia

Narancia, bless his heart, initially makes it kinda worse. He isn't exactly a mental health aficionado. Since he doesn't see any clear cause and effect, he'll mistake it for a Stand attack. He'll summon Aerosmith and promise to take care of whoever is behind this. When you insist it isn't a Stand attack, he'll start fussing over you, asking how he's supposed to help. He's horrified by the thought of anything happening to you, his best friend whom he loves dearly. Until you're feeling up to explaining what anxiety is, he sticks to your side like glue. If this happens again, he'll do a lot better. It's just the first time where he's at a loss on what to do.

Abbacchio

Abbacchio is at an absolute loss but manages to maintain a composed façade. He might not understand the specifics of what's happening, but he knows he should take you to a private area. It's rather jarring to see you go from your jovial disposition to being overwhelmed by some force he can't make sense of. It twists his heart and churns his stomach. He'll wonder if you've silently been dealing with this all along. He isn't the best at waxing poetic, but he'll be there until it subsides. He quietly apologizes for not being of much help in the moment. When you tell him that just having him present was all you could've asked for, he honestly feels somewhat emotional. He will sit there for hours and listen to you talk about it, if that's what you want.

[codename-adler]

28: Yanko Florescu (22) USC Trojans Backliner

(USC Trojans lineup of OCs)

Ah, big ginger man makes Mateo brain go brrrr!

*Yanko is supposed to have a little bit grown out buzzcut but I couldn't find a gif that satisfied my mental image so. That but cropped. He shaves it every month on the 28th. Call that sports superstitions.

With Jean, Viggo and Nikita, he is one of the tallest Trojans, standing at 6'4. With Nikita also, and Mari, and others, one of the most unproblematic teammate ever. He is so chill, but in a different way than others. Mari is chill because she does not care enough about anyone's bs outside of Exy; Nikita is chill because of his infinite patience and open mind. Yanko? Nothing fazes him, because he is so inside his own mind, minding his own business, that rarely anything else registers, and if something does show up on his radar, he does not have an overly sensitive personality, so he is able to put his emotions aside and deal with what's at hand. He might be on the AS in that area. You tell me. However, nobody on the team, and I mean nobody, has ever seen him lose his cool, either in anger or sadness. He has the occasional goofy-looking smile, or a small private thing. He's very good at straight-faced comebacks. If he's acting silly, his face rarely shows anything but a mischievous glint.

Yanko can appear scary, because he's very tall, very quiet. minimally expressive, and his goddamn fucking blue eyes are very... there. He might seem broody and gruff, but that's because his brain-to-mouth connection isn't always working, and he really enjoys being in his own bubble, so sometimes if you intrude on that time, it takes him a few seconds before he understands what is happening but his facial expression might take over before he has the chance to adapt. He's just a big mountain man, big to survive and adapt to harsh winters, not to harm! But his opponents would differ.

He does resemble Mari a lot, but they really don't have the same vibe, trust me. They are not on the same wavelength. Mari carefully curates how she experiences life so as not to get bullshit and waste energy on things and people that don't matter. Yanko is just that unbothered because he does not see the point. Physical embodiment of 'it is what it is' you know?

His two best friends are George A. and Viggo. Though those two are a piece of work because they always be in impossible situations Yanko has to get them out of, he likes them for their lightheartedness, and because they make him happy. And they know it. They don't tell him to smile more, or let loose. They love him as he is, love how reliable and steady he is, how helpful and generous he is. Yanko likes to simply be in their presence, no matter how loud they can be, no matter the trouble they attract.

Yanko was born in the US to Romanian parents, he studies Psychology at Dornsife and he goes Pro after college. He is a very, very smart and hard-working student/person.

He is the sunscreen dealer, because that man would have burned 5 years ago if he hadn't ransacked a Costco. He's got tubes and balms and jars everywhere: car, backpack, locker, dorm, duffel, emergency kit, etc.

Now the Mateo part.

Yanko has always been of the same opinion as Kevin Day: it's easier to remain heterosexual. Even lower than that: it's easier to remain single. He's not a high-maintenance guy by any means, but all his relationships' beginnings were always just that, beginnings. He has a deep, deep potential and will to invest himself wholly in another person's wellbeing, but girls usually break it off, gently or not, before it even gets there. He's peculiar, he gets it, but it begins to feel draining to have to start over every time. He doesn't want to hear another 'you're too quiet' or 'you never look like you enjoy my presence'. He doesn't want nor have to explain himself, and so if the date really can't see past that, then he's not going to dedicate energy and time to that. After high school, he completely stops looking for dates. Instead, he works on himself, and knowing himself. Plus, Psychology and Exy? Yeah, no, he'll pass on girls.

That's right, girls. Yanko has never dated men, ever, and never even thought about it. If he doesn't even think about dating, thinking of dating a guy is even less probable. It's just not... something he registers. So this... thing, with Mateo? First time for him too. And yeah, Mateo is a weird af choice for a gay awakening, because he might be pretty, but he's a whole-ass bastard. Eh, what can you do.

Because Yanko is very difficult to piss off, to get a reaction out of, he's kind of perfect to handle Mateo and his demons. The catch, though, is that Yanko also suddenly becomes very good at pushing Mateo's buttons. In a way, it helps Mateo to expulse all the shit that pollutes his brain, so he's calmer afterward. But it also gives Yanko special power over Mateo. And Yanko kind of likes that.

He is not in denial, okay? I swear. He's just so fucking oblivious. He doesn't put the finger on the actual thing until he literally kisses Mateo. And he has the galls to be so fucking smug about it. Like the cat that got the cream, Archimedes who figured out his eureka or whatever it is. Mateo is able to make him feel that way. Proud and powerful in ways he never felt before.

Yank takes it in stride like a fucking champ. It's like 'Welp, I'm dating Mateo now. He is my squishy and I like him so much. No, he sucks to you. Now back to our regular program: Exy. Yippee!' It's really, really not that deep. The romance part is more nerve-wracking than the gender part, if anything. He doesn't want to lose the essence of what he has developed with Mateo.

Of course it's much more complicated on Mateo's end, like I said, but Yanko knows, and feels, that he is not a waste of time and energy. That he actually motivates Yanko. He simply waits him out. He's there whenever Mateo needs, whenever he wants, and doesn't ask for anything in return, because what is the rush? It does make Mateo mad and jealous that Yanko is taking this so well, but it's also a steadying presence, that when the world is collapsing around you to take a new uncertain shape, Yanko is just there, same as he always was, ready to back you up, push you further, steady hand upon your back.

Anddd wrapping up on the cool & unproblematic king now!

[flybynightwing]

I loved your Nightwing-It’s a Wonderful Life fic, and I figured that based on your research for it you might be able to answer this. How did raising Dick change Bruce? Logically it must have, and my general idea is that it gave him something to live for apart from his mission, made him more open to working with others, and made him less violent/aggressive— but is there any canon, Post-Crisis evidence for that?

Because Dick and Bruce's relationship (and Bruce's early career generally) was entirely backfilled after Crisis on Infinite Earths, there are a lot of big gaps in the story, and different authors' depictions of their early years are often very contradictory. And then very soon after Crisis, the Dark/Iron Age of comics begins, meaning that Bruce's characterization very quickly becomes a lot more violent and aggressive than it was previously. You can, and many fans and writers do, attribute those changes to the Watsonian cause of Jason's death, but they also happen retroactively. With the Crisis and the beginning of the grim-dark-ification of comics (and some other more complicated factors that I won't get into here) Dick and Bruce's relationship also becomes a lot more troubled than it had been previously.

All of which is to say that there isn't a lot of incredibly strong evidence for the idea that Dick made Bruce less violent and more open to others, even if I do (obviously) think it's a fairly in-character reading of the mess of canon that we get, because even in flashbacks Bruce kind of becomes more violent around that time. There's definitely some evidence that Dick gave Bruce something to live for, though.

The immediate Post-Crisis version of Dick and Bruce's meeting, Dark Victory, portrays a version of Bruce who is incredibly reserved even in his internal narration. The most effusive he gets is thinking to himself, "The boy... shows promise." But the obvious intended implication is that Bruce has very quickly come to be emotionally invested in Dick, and lets that emotional connection overwhelm his reservedness and (sometimes) his good sense.

(Dark Victory #13)

And of course, in the Post-Crisis explanation for why Dick stopped being Robin, we have Bruce's description of why he recruited Jason.

(Batman Vol 1 #416)

Mostly, though, we get the idea that Dick softened Bruce and gave him something to live for through things that other people say. Most famously, there's Tim "Batman needs a Robin" Drake, talking about Batman's increasing violence since he lost Jason.

(Batman vol 1 #441)

But here, for instance, is young Dick Grayson himself, in Batman: Year Three, which is both a reckoning with Bruce's increasing violence since losing Jason and a partial retelling of Dick and Bruce's original meeting:

(Batman Vol 1 #438)

And then there's Alfred, in the aftermath of the War Games arc, speaking to Dick:

(Nightwing Vol 2 #99)

All of which is to say that there isn't a ton of direct evidence that working with Dick made Bruce more open to working with others, or less violent... but there's a lot of evidence that he deeply needed Dick for his psychological wellbeing, and that a lot of people think of Dick as a vital source of hope and connection in his life.

[grey-and-green]

Ok, but...trauma responses

(Content notice that there is discussion of trauma and reactions, non-specific mentions of sources of religious trauma. Read with care) 

We can (and have, and will continue to) draw lots of parallels and comparisons to how Crowly and Aziraphale perceive Heaven and Hell and The System. I think it’s clear that both have been very frightened of upper management at various points, and both have felt the need to hide some of themselves from even their own side. The threats are real, the danger is real. Capital “T” trauma (you know, the kind that causes PTSD) is “an experience which is life-threatening or poses a significant threat to a person’s physical or psychological wellbeing”. Can’t really argue that that doesn’t very much apply to their entire millennia-long existence, their entire relationship, every single interaction they’ve had with each other, with their own side, with the other side, with Earth and humanity.  

I’m definitely not an expert at religious trauma, but some themes there include trauma directly caused by a member of the church (someone in the church hurts you, but it’s not related to the religion), trauma being seen to compromise your spirituality (something bad happens and you feel your inclusion in the church or your relationship to your god is in danger) and gaslighting/victim blaming by the church (it’s all part of god’s plan, you must somehow deserve your punishment, etc).  

Sound familiar? 

Crowley and Aziraphale are both traumatized.  

But they are coping in different directions.  

Flight: “I don’t want to deal with this” 

Fearful, avoidant. 

Run away, deflect, withdraw, hide. 

-vs- 

Fawn: “I just want everyone to be happy” 

Co-dependent, people-pleasing, rationalizing.  

No boundaries, lack of assertiveness, can’t speak up for self, easily controlled. 

Crowley falls into the Flight pattern. He’s stuck at “the system sucks and I want to pretend it doesn’t exist to the best of my ability” and when things get tough he literally wants to run away. He’s anxious and scared and puts up masks and barriers and walls as a way to hide and to try to make that anxiety and fear go away. Deflect, withdraw. Hide. AVOID. 

Which, like, yeah, I fully get that? But avoidance without processing trauma is not actually a sustainable coping mechanism? And yelling at house plants isn’t actually therapy? Crowley is quite a bit more aware of and ready to admit that Heaven and Hell are both awful, but knowing that someone hurt you and processing what that means for you as a person and figuring out who you are and what you want because of and despite that hurt...yeah our little cinnamon roll isn’t there yet. And running away from the traumatizer, in this situation, means running away from quite a lot of other things as well. You can’t keep Earth and just avert your eyes from The System. And you can’t run away from The System without sacrificing Earth. (and by ‘earth’ I mean humanity and the universe but also one specific being that also happens to, until very recently, live on earth) 

Aziraphale, on the other hand, is coping by Fawning. Because Heaven is the side of good, yes? Sure, there might be a few bad apples, yes, ok, but Heaven? Heaven is good. And surely GOD is good? Right? Like, ok, it’s not perfect, but I’m sure it’ll all come right in the end because deep down they (the abuser) love me and want what’s best for me and I just need to try harder and be better and then they won’t hurt/threaten me anymore.  

Which, when you think about it, is pretty damn tragic. There are a lot of reasons why Aziraphale finds it harder to opt out of the system, even after Apocolypsn’t, but I feel like this is a big part of it. The traumatizer has done such a good job in framing themselves as ‘the good guys’ and Aziraphale is coping by trying to appease them, to rationalize their actions, to find the hidden nugget of ‘good’ in God’s plan even when he can’t see it, because it must be there, right? Somewhere, deep down, it all has to be ineffably good, right? Because what happens if that turns out to not be true?  

So what does all this mean for them, and for their relationship? 

Even though both of them can see that system isn’t perfect (with different degrees of acceptance of this imperfection) both of them still define themselves in relation to Heaven and/or Hell. We (the audience, the fans, Tumblr) know that they have personalities and qualities that exist separate from Heaven and Hell. But they are, both, in their own ways, still quite enmeshed with the system. Aziraphale’s identity is tied to appeasing his abuser, and Crowley’s identity is tied to opposing his abuser.  

And as long as they view themselves through the lens of their individual relationships to the system, they will continue to view their relationship to each other through that lens as well. Which, honestly, doesn’t bode well and ends up pretty much exactly where we ended up in Episode 6.  

I can’t see either of them actually going to actual therapy (no one in history has needed therapy more, but alas it does not fit the world-building or the story, and we probably won’t actually get to see Crowley on a therapist’s couch crying about sauntering vaguely downward and ‘you go to fast’) but they will need to some kind of character development in season 3 to at least start to change this dynamic. Being apart from each other might help. Aziraphale finally realizing that he’s good because of who he is, not because of his job, would be lovely to see. Crowley and Nina getting drunk together and him processing some Emotions out loud and having some Epiphanies would be great. I don’t know what it’s going to look like in-world, but I think the unsustainability of these coping patterns will need to be acknowledged and Michael and David will act their flawless little hearts out and we’ll get to see some Healing.  

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.  

[xprojectrpg]

Moment of Awesome - David Haller/Legion: Following his "healing" at the hands of Radha Dastoor, Haller meets with Quentin concerning his newfound ally's methods.

"Quentin. Thanks for meeting me."

Though the double-barreled shotgun Quentin held was only a psychic construct, as evidenced by the fact it was bright pink and glowed, Sydney's gun safety lessons were ingrained, so Quentin lowered it and set it aside before turning to face his visitor. "Jimothy. You seem . . . different. Did you do something with your hair?"

"No. I went to see Radha a couple days ago." The older man paused, as if struggling to find the right word. Then, seeming to find nothing more accurate, he said, "She cured me."

"Of your crippling need to sacrifice your own wellbeing for the sake of helping other people who barely appreciate it?"

"No." Haller looked at the target so recently decimated by Quentin's shotgun and raised a hand.

It happened slowly enough that the process was clear to the naked eye. The noise came first: a tortured snapping, like someone slowly bending a two by four. The wooden posts began to splinter as if unseen hands were rending the wood apart from every angle, shredding them into dozens, then hundreds, then thousands of pieces barely bigger than matchsticks. They hung in the air, a latticework of drifting wood, and the X-Man twisted his hand. The particles began to smolder, then swirl. A column of tiny flames swirled into the air like a swarm of fireflies. With a final snap of Haller's fingers the column exploded outward into a shining cloud.

The tattered paper target fluttered to the grass, untouched.

Ash raining around them, Haller turned back to Quentin.

"My other problem."

It was an impressive display, kind of showboaty considering Quentin's own telekinesis was limited to carrying groceries or packing a bowl, though he could appreciate the drama of it all, particularly the final snap.

"Looks like she just replaced mental illness with compulsory destruction of property," he sighed as he dismissed his psychic shotgun in a puff of pink mist. He would have to take to the Danger Room now to practice, and he really did not care to have any X-Man watching over his shoulder. "Not her best work. But a cure's a cure, I guess."

"I didn't ask for one. She didn't even warn me. She just did it." The words were uncharacteristically sharp. Even as he heard it he tried to rein himself in, but it was difficult. His emotions seemed to be closer to the surface, messier, especially the aspects that had previously been delegated to Cyndi and Jack. Haller took a deep breath and tried to choose his next words with care.

"Look," he said, "Radha saw something she thought was ugly, and instead of asking she just changed it. She went into my mind and made me conform to her expectations of what a real person should look like. Like I was just a piece of broken furniture she found on the side of the road that she could refurbish and sell off again." The counselor shook his head. "I know you respect her, and that she seems to have done a lot of good for a lot of people, but if this is how she thinks -- what are the implications for the world she's trying to build?"

Quentin crossed his arms and defiantly glared at Haller. (Just David now? He wondered. This meant Cyndi was gone. Pity.) "Seems to me she healed a lifetime of trauma and intense psychological impairment, which you've spent how many decades trying to treat? And no one else has ever even come close to it, while she did it in the blink of an eye. Painlessly. She found your problem and fixed you, and I bet she didn't even ask for a 'thank you' in return."

"That's the thing. She didn't fix anything. She just got rid of how I dealt with it. DID is a survival mechanism, not a party trick. If Radha had bothered to ask, I'd have told her the others were created to hold experiences and memories so traumatic I almost lost my mind, and that all she did by removing my ability to dissociate was ungate them for me all at once. Now I remember everything. Feel everything. Unfiltered." Haller took a swift step forward that brought him immediately into Quentin's space, staring the younger man dead in the eyes. A small blotch of brown in his left eye was the only remaining trace of his natural heterochromia, but the ice in his tone could have been Jack's.

"Tell me I'm lucky to remember the sound of fat popping while I burned six people alive," Haller whispered. "Tell me I should thank her for the memory of being trapped in every single one of their disintegrating minds as I tore the tendons from their bones. That I owe her for a memory I didn't even know I had: being trapped in the rubble under my guardian's corpse, smelling charred human meat while the flies crawled over us."

He was breathing hard now, and he could feel the telekinesis shivering just beneath his skin -- close. Too close. This wasn't Quentin's fault. Haller turned away and pressed his hands to his face, steadying himself. He took another deep breath. "Sorry," he said, "but those decades of worthless treatment are the only reason I'm still standing here."

[the-trails-we-blaze]

OC Ramblings | Ariel Nightingale

Ariel finds the humanoid mind fascinating. How people grew up, how that effected their development, how they view the world--it all shows in human behavior, and by extension, their dreams! She reads about dream interpretation, psychology, and sociology, and applies it all to her work as a Dreamer for the Nightingale family.

And!! All that studying of the human mind has inadvertently made her pretty knowledgeable on "Dream Addiction", and she applies that knowledge to treatments and therapy! She's always looking for opportunities to learn more about how and why people think the way they do. She could talk all day long about fascinating articles and lectures she's read about human behavior and the subconsious.

I was discussing all of this with some friends on discord, and they brought up some really good points!

@bionicparrot

To which I agree--I imagine she's constantly fighting an uphill battle when trying to get the word out about Dream Addiction. If anyone does worry about it, they're only interested in quick fixes or covering things up--no one seems to be interested in the long term effects/solutions, let alone the root causes of these problems.

@spaced-out-muses

and I agree, for sure! I'm sure she's been investigated at least once or twice by the Family, maybe even the Bloodhounds specifically. But that's why her work is so important to her--she makes multiple copies of everything. She wants to publish her research on it, but she's well aware that she has to work around the family to get anywhere with it.

And, to be honest, she's prepared to flee Penacony if she has to.

It's a last resort, because she doesn't want to leave anyone who needs her help--and she likes her work! She finds it fulfilling and rewarding! But she's also aware that if she "disappears", all of her work will disappear with her, one way or another.

So Ariel has an emergency escape plan that she hasn't shared with anyone, in case she runs out of options and places to hide. And my friend Lin made another absolutely great point;

Ariel has a LOT working against her on Penacony. Hecklers, the family, the entire economy of Penacony! But she's worried less about where and how the hotel and the family are getting their money, and more about the wellbeing of guests and employees in the dreamscape. She knew what she was getting into--and she's determined to see it through.

[and-then-there-were-n0ne]

Below is a piece on mating psychology I wrote for Onn Health. It is aimed primarily at (heterosexual) men, yet the insights offered here are broadly applicable to everyone.

The two most powerful predictors of happiness and life satisfaction are working in the right profession and finding the right spouse.

You can commit a lot of blunders in your life, but if you manage to get two things right, you will maximize your chance of long-term wellbeing.

Our choice of job and our choice of spouse are central to our happiness because they are where we spend most of our lives—at work and with our families. Therefore, we should devote a good deal of time concentrating on how to make the best possible decision for these two sources of potential happiness. Indeed, making the wrong choice can lead to potential misery.

Interestingly, much of modern advice prioritizes education and career, often relegating relationships to a secondary concern or valuing them primarily for their potential to enhance career ambitions.

Relationships, though, are critical for our health and wellbeing. Studies have found that the effect of poor relationship quality on mortality is as strong as the effects of better-known risk factors, such as smoking and alcohol use, and even stronger than other important factors, such as sedentariness and obesity.

For those who are focused on their careers, choosing the right partner can fuel occupational success. For instance, people with conscientious romantic partners tend to report higher job satisfaction and income, and are more likely to be promoted. This pattern held even after controlling for the study participants’ own conscientiousness. A disciplined and hard-working romantic partner can help us succeed in our own careers.

Indeed, there are examples of well-known men and the women who have helped them in their journeys:

Mr Beast:

“I have someone who I think is very beautiful, very intelligent, makes me better, is constantly pushing me, is okay with me working hard, makes me smarter. And just all these different things. For me, love just makes me a better person.”

Connor McGregor:

“My girlfriend worked very hard throughout the years and stuck by me when I had essentially absolutely nothing. I only had a dream that I was telling her.”

Chris Bumstead:

“She just built this confidence in me… It was a really important moment for my personal growth, champion growth, relationship growth.”

Warren Buffett:

“Susie really put me together. She believed in me. She got me to believe in myself, and that changed my life.” “And I would not only have not turned out to be the person I turned out to be, but I actually wouldn’t have been as successful in business without that. She made me more of a whole person.”

These examples show only one side of the story. In healthy relationships, both partners are expected to receive net benefits and grow.

Research in evolutionary and social psychology has illuminated key findings that help us to understand how people choose mates, as well as the factors that predict relationship success.

George Vaillant, former director of the multigenerational Harvard Study of Adult Development, has noted that “warm, intimate relationships are the most important prologue to a good life.”

Warm relationships supply benefits to both happiness and health.

How do people go about choosing mates? In popular culture, we often hear two different adages when it comes to relationship formation: Opposites attract, and birds of a feather flock together.

The former might make for a good romantic comedy. But in the real world, people tend to mate assortatively. We generally favor romantic partners who are similar to ourselves.

This is especially true for education and intelligence. In the U.S., for example, if your highest level of education is a high school diploma, your probability of marrying a college graduate is only nine percent. In contrast, if you hold a college degree, your probability of marrying a fellow college graduate is sixty-five percent. Interestingly, though, couples’ similarity in intelligence does not seem to predict relationship satisfaction.

Beyond education, we also tend to choose romantic partners who are similar to ourselves in terms of age, political orientation, religious affiliation, and socioeconomic status.

Does similarity predict stronger relationship satisfaction? The answer seems to be no. A meta-analysis concluded that “similarity had very little effect on satisfaction.” This doesn’t mean, of course, that similarity is meaningless for romantic satisfaction. More likely, similarity is necessary but not sufficient for romantic satisfaction. That is, while similarity does not guarantee relationship satisfaction, strong dissimilarities might be “deal-breakers” that would contribute to discontent. Your romantic partner holding the same political beliefs as you doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be 100% satisfied with each other; but if they take the opposite stance on every view you hold, there’s a strong chance that relationship wouldn’t last very long.

So what does predict relationship satisfaction?

One factor seems to be authenticity. A team of psychologists found that the link between authenticity in relationships and relationship satisfaction is very strong. For instance, people who strongly agreed with statements such as “I share my deepest thoughts with my partner even if there’s a chance he/she won’t understand them” reported being particularly happy in their relationships. Interestingly, the study found that authentic people tended to mate with other authentic people, whereas deceptive individuals tend to attract deceptive partners. This seems to be another example of assortative mating, whereby people find themselves in relationships with partners similar to themselves.

What else besides authenticity predicts relationship satisfaction? A 2016 paper in Evolution and Human Behavior, authored by Daniel Conroy-Beam, Cari D. Goetz, and David Buss explored what makes people happy in their relationships. They discovered that people were less satisfied in relationships when their partners were less desirable compared to other potential choices. However, this was specifically the case for individuals who were more attractive than their partners. That is, people were satisfied with mates who were either more attractive than themselves, or more attractive than alternative choices. In short, when people were with partners who were attractive and hard to replace, then they were more likely to be satisfied. It seems that people aren’t asking themselves, “Does my partner fulfill my relationship needs?” Rather, they ask “Is my partner better than the realistic alternatives?” We aren’t gauging on some objective rubric. Rather, we grade our partners on a curve, comparing them to others we could reasonably hope to pair with.

This gets to the question of how we should approach searching for a compatible mate. An important idea from decision theory that can assist with this is known as the 37% rule, or “the secretary problem.” Suppose you’re looking for the best candidate for a secretary position (or any other job). The rule says that you should estimate how many total applicants are likely to seek the position, interview the first 37 percent of them, and remember the best out of that initial sample. Then, continue interviewing until you find a candidate who is even better than that. Once you find that better candidate, hire him or her. That is how you select the optimal candidate.

The problem with this rule is that it takes a lot of time and energy, especially if you are faced with a large number of possible candidates. You can’t realistically date 37% of all women you might possibly be interested in, and then keep going until you find someone more compatible than the best in that batch. However, researchers have found that a similar rule called “Try a Dozen” can work just as well as the 37% rule. According to this simpler approach, you would date a dozen possible romantic partners, remember the best of them, and then pick the very next prospect who is even more appealing to you. Of course, this is just a theoretical model that sheds light on the challenges of trying to optimize a difficult decision. It has many shortcomings and is not necessarily applicable to all individuals in all circumstances.

Many men try to get the hottest possible partner they can find. But this can present its own problems. As David Buss has said, “Mates, once gained, must be retained.” An average guy might manage to get a few dates with a supermodel. But the supermodel’s array of potential alternative options can introduce potential instability into the relationship. This can lead to jealousy, increased mate guarding, warding off potential romantic rivals, increased stress, heated arguments, and so on.

Of course, the reverse is not ideal. Entering a relationship with someone who is noticeably less attractive than you can give rise to dissatisfaction, conflict, and a wandering eye as you consider possible alternatives. The ideal situation, as Buss says, is “when both people feel lucky to be with the other person.” Of course, if your current pool of mates you could reasonably hope to attain is less attractive than you’d like, there is a simple option: Become more attractive yourself. For appearance, keep up on personal grooming and hygiene; improve your health and fitness; buy clothes that are stylish and fit well; get a good haircut. As a man, you can also level up your attractiveness by earning a promotion at work, switching to a higher paying position, or seeking a cool side job (bartenders, musicians, and volunteer firefighters don’t get paid like surgeons but still appeal to many women).

Many people have noticed that young people are unrealistically expected to know what career they will pursue at the age of 18 or 22. Seldom does anyone point out that the same logic applies to long-term romantic commitment. Interestingly, while there is a lot of guidance for how to choose a good career, far less support is available for choosing the right spouse.

Choosing a mate is not just choosing a mate. It’s also casting a vote for who you will be and who your children will be. [...]

Mate choice also profoundly influences children. If you have kids, your partner’s genetics will significantly influence their intelligence (at least 60% heritable), personality traits (more than 40% heritable), and mental health (more than 30% heritable). And as I cover extensively in my book, healthy, stable relationships benefit children. Having a partner who contributes to such a relationship will be instrumental in your child’s development and wellbeing. 

Given the importance of marriage in a man’s life, it is crucial to choose a compatible spouse. Knowing which qualities to avoid and which to seek out can save you from future emotional and perhaps financial ruin.

People often focus on attributes they would like in a partner, but it is perhaps even more important to know which characteristics to avoid. “Red flags,” in common parlance. [...]

Smith offers a quote in another of his books, The Tactical Guide to Women, “Look for the red flags early in the relationship. If anything pops up early on, don’t let that slide. Most people are on their best behavior in the beginning. They hide it well until around the six-month mark. For example, if she gets drunk and is screaming at you for no reason within the first month, run as fast as you can. Don’t let something like that slide. There are underlying issues there.” This doesn’t mean that they are a bad person or unworthy of love or anything like that. But drinking and yelling is a sign that such a person might not be ideal for a long-term relationship commitment.

What about beneficial traits, or so-called “green flags?”

Smith suggests seeking clarity, maturity, and stability in a potential mate.

Anybody can communicate well when they and the relationship are at their best. Clarity, though, encompasses reliable communication and the ability to communicate during stormy periods. [...] Good relationships require that both partners express themselves constructively, especially during times of stress.

Relatedly, inquisitiveness is an important skill. It cuts through ambiguities and insecurities. Within a relationship, if one person behaves in an insensitive manner, a sign of inquisitiveness would be if his or her partner, rather than expressing anger, calmly asks why and listens. This can open the path to communication and understanding, rather than mutually escalating hostilities. [..]

Emotional maturity is another green flag. Some signs of this skill: She can calm herself when she’s sad or angry, she accepts reality, she keeps commitments, she takes care of relationships and doesn’t burn bridges, she bases important decisions on values rather than impulse, and she possesses the emotional resources to function well among coworkers, family, and friends.

Stability, another positive quality, indicates that a woman handles her personal challenges and cares for herself so that her life (and yours) isn’t a series of crises. As Smith puts it, a woman “who is unwilling to strive for her best state of mental health is unlikely to succeed in relationships.” [...]

This perspective on relationships underscores the importance of mutual support and shared growth. The notion of the “special woman” and “special man” transcends the conventional understanding of romantic partnerships, emphasizing a deeper, more harmonious connection. This link is not solely about love or attraction or sex; it is about finding a partner who understands, encourages, and participates in your life journey. Such a relationship becomes a crucible for personal and professional development, where both individuals are not just companions but co-architects of a shared future.

[k00295251]

Artist Research - Giselle Ballet

03/02/24

The Wilis from the ballet Giselle really resonated with me with me as a concept. I’ve always been enamoured with them since I learnt about them as a child. They are the ghosts of women betrayed by their lovers who died before their wedding day. They take their revenge by dancing men to death at night.

The titular character Giselle is a peasant girl with a weak heart and a passion for dance, though exerting herself could kill her. She attracts the attention of Count Albrecht, a noble who hides his identity from her. She resists his advances but eventually succumbs and falls in love with him. As well has having a physically weak heart, her innocence prevents her from seeing the deception. His pledge of eternal love was a lie we discover as the Duke and his daughter Bathilde arrive in a hunting party.

Bathilde is also taken by Giselle’s beauty and gifts her a necklace as Giselle tells her that she is engaged, unaware they are both betrothed to Albrecht. A gamekeeper named Hilarion who is in love with Giselle discovers the truth about Albrecht and reveals it, as he was consumed by jealousy. Giselle loses her mind and kills herself in response.

Giselle had been buried deep in the forest and became a Wili. Myrna the queen of the Wilis appears and summons her maidens while Hilarion is mourning at Giselle’s grave. They force him to dance until he dies from exhaustion.

Albrecht was stricken with remorse and comes to mourn Giselle. Myrta summons Giselle from her grave and commands her to entice him into joining the dance. She does so, but her love for him was strong enough to help keep him alive until dawn, when the Wilis lose their power. At the end of the of the ballet he is left alive with his sorrow.

The synchronisation of the dancers, the outfits, the emotion, everything rouse a strange sense of longing to be part of what you’re watching. That is the point of Giselle, of course. Longing for things that are bad for you, sacrificing your wellbeing for what you love, love so intense that you stay tied to it even beyond the grave.

Romantic era art and ballet hits a spot for me. As a child ballet was an escape for me, it put me in a frame of mind where I could put aside my problems and focus on the movement. It feels sort of trance-like, even now. I feel as though the dance itself brings you to an otherworldly place, like you lose yourself in the movement and you don’t think or worry the way you normally do. The muscle memory kicking in when you hear a song you learned choreography for feels good. I’ve always associated it with not quite being alive in the way you normally are. Entering a different plane, being in a place nothing can reach but you, the music and the people you’re dancing with. That may sound a bit cringe but that is how I feel. Evidently I’m romantically inclined when it comes to art.

I felt that kind of vibe more when I did ballet since I dedicated most of my free time to it and had to push my physical limits way more than just dancing for myself, but it still brings me to the otherworldly headspace that distracts from reality.

I think all dance is art and that dance doesn’t just involve moving your body, but moves your awareness and emotional state into a more manageable place. As an autistic person it also really helps ground me and satisfies some sensory needs. I assume everyone has some form of movement that puts them in a similar mind frame, I like to think there’s enjoyable movement for everyone depending on their physical ability and their psychological needs. From each according to their ability, to each according to their needs.

[iwilldefendshoutotodoroki]

“Endeavour cares about Shouto the most!”

This is part 2 of my debunking bad Shouto takes. 

This take has been around for ages but it was espeically rampant after 376 when Endeavour enquired about Shouto’s wellbeing and status. A lot of fans got extremely angry that the first thing Endeavour would ask about is Shouto and how Endeavour has always cared most about Shouto. But this couldn’t have been further from the truth.

At least not if you’re talking in how a father should care about their child. 

For the longest time and for the majority of Shouto’s life Endeavour showed no love or care towards Shouto as an actual father should or would. That development is very recent; like not even a year recent. 

Endeavour for the majority of Shouto’s life cared about Shouto as a tool for his own ambitions not as a father would care about his son. 

When Rei hurt Shouto by throwing boiling water onto him he didn’t care that Rei had hurt their youngest son and the damage it had done to Shouto espeically psychologically. He cared that Rei hurt his masterpiece and was worried that this could cause a set back in his own ambitions for Shouto.

Endeavour for the majority until recently cared about his masterpiece but not his son. In fact when Endeavour enquires about Shouto as a father should this is actually only the second time in the whole of the manga that he actual does so, the other was when Machia arrived at Jakku with the League of villains on his back (minus Toga) and Shouto was thrown to the ground and Endeavour asked if he was okay. It was also a very brief, small and blink and you’ll miss it panel so 376 was the first proper time we see it. 

These both come after his change and wanting to be a better father. 

If anything if we’re talking about care as a father it’s actually Touya who he’s come the very closest to showing this to before him actually wanting to make a change. In fact the way Endeavour treated Touya and the way he treated Shouto until very recently is like chalk and cheese. 

Now this is not to say Endeavour was a good father to Touya because he was anything but or that him caring about Touya in the most basic bare minimum way that any father should care about his child means that Touya had it good. He didn’t and that needs to be said. 

Touya’s childhood was tragic and Endeavour wasn’t a good father but when we’re talking about the basic fatherly instinct of caring about their child getting hurt, the difference we see in how Endeavour treated Touya and how he treated Shouto are again worlds apart. He cared because Touya was his son but he cared because Shouto was his masterpiece. See the difference between the two. One is caring about a human being and a child while the other is caring about a valuable object because it might be able to deliver a certain ambition.

But when Endeavour asked about Shouto that showed major development on Endeavour’s part and showed us how far he’s come as a father and it made perfect sense that he would ask about Shouto because Touya is standing right in front of him, burnt yes but alive. Shouto isn’t and Endeavour doesn’t know if he’s alive, dead or really badly hurt. Endeavour would have asked this question if it had also been Fuyumi or Natsu in Shouto’s place and would have asked Shouto about Touya if the roles were reversed and Endeavour hadn’t known what had happened to him. 

It wasn’t a Endeavour cares about Shouto most moment but a Endeavour wants to know the status of the child he can’t see.

There’s also this strange presumption that Touya would be upset over something like that. Touya is very smart and knew the situation in the household and knew Endeavour treated Shouto as a puppet rather than a person which is also something that Touya also did himself because for the longest time like Endeavour, Touya could not see Shouto as a person with his own thoughts and feelings who could cry and get angry but as the ultimate tool and the “thing” that replaced him. 

Like Touya was not bothered in the slightest that Endeavour asked about Shouto because he knows that Endeavour caring about Shouto the most is BS. 

Of course 376 was just a recent example because this take of Endeavour caring most about Shouto espeically as a father has been in the fandom for years, even before 376. 

This take is complete BS and couldn’t be so far from the truth.