#and it has my dad on edge
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#bjk talks#going to my parents house is proving a more and more stressful business of late >.<#my grandmother is really not doing so good lately#and it has my dad on edge#and when my dad is on edge everyone else ends up on edge too#my mom is compulsively playing peacemaker and my grandmother is compulsively apologizing and worrying#real dark mirror for me to look into of all my worst conflict aversion and insecurity tendencies XD#my brother is buried in some work project that is spilling into his vacation and has kept him upstairs the whole visit#I haven't gotten any writing done either cos I'm sharing a room with my grandmother#and she gets anxious if I stay up a lot longer than everyone else#[sigh] I'm glad to be here but it's just... a lot#</vent>#had a nice time at the theater yesterday though#and went out and saw some high school friends today which was fun#I hope y'all are having a lovely holiday time also <3
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i don’t trust cis white men. y’all haven’t really suffered and don’t understand the concept of shutting tf up when it’s not your turn.
#this is a blanket statement#but it’s my opinion#my dad is a cis white man and STILL doesn’t understand#it’s hurtful every time he’s got an angry edge in his voice#saying shit like#you dirty filipinos#jokes about how he saved my brother and i from having to eat cats and dogs#gets his whole side of the family to chime in#then gets offended when i quip back#bc he’s a 50 year old man who still leeches and couch surfs at my aunts#and then#this silly mf has the AUDACITY to ask#oh have you tried REAL filipino food#AS IF MY MATERNAL GRANDPARENTS DIDN’T IMMIGRATE ON THEIR OWN TO THE US#100 men vs shutting tf up is the real challenge
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my grandma to my mom, circa age 10: eat all your food you know there are children in Armenia who are starving! my mom, age 10: what do i care about armenians? my mom, age 16: meets my dad oh
#my dad is armenian if you didn't get the joke#we're third generation armenian diaspora#fun fact the government of armenia has a program for displaced armenians to come home for FREE#it's called birthright armenia#i don't think the program sponsors going home permanently but one of my therapists used it to go to armenia for a summer#he was there for vartavar the armenian water festival#i want to attend vartavar in armenia so bad#also when my dad met my mom yeah she was 16 he was 23#don't do what my mom did kids#but he loves her to the moon and back and then out to the edge of the milky way so it's fine for her
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dad taiju
#i dont do moodboards so this is ass#but i needed u to see what i see when i mention him as a dad#he cant leave her alone for a second ughhhh#i love him bas u don't understandddddd#again all venus and vicos fault they brought the idea of dad taiju to me mind and it hasnt and will never leave#im actually gonna cry hes so cute#does everything for his baby that he never did for hakkai and yuzuha#even after theyve mended their bonds he still feels guilty#at least now he can show them that hes truly changed and it wasnt just all talk#also didn't put any of how i think he'd look like BUT OH I HAVE IDEAS#i think first kid he still has his muscles but he's a little bit softer around the edges#kinda like a rugby player yk how theyre all strong but they dont have super defined abs or muscles as like. 2005 taiju yk#i think by the second or third kid hes kinda lost the definition but hes still strong ofc ofc#for thatttt i'd say sakuraba haruto when he wrestled#again vicos fault for putting that idea in my mind ughhhhhhhhhhhh#☆— yapping#tokyo revengers#shiba taiju#taiju shiba
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advice for getting out of christmas eve service with my parents??
last year i was too late in packing and getting to their house to go, which i was completely okay with. i didnt want to go. my sisters later told me the service, on christmas eve, was focused on a detransitioner's return to god, complete with the mother who cried saying she had her baby girl back. (apparently my mother cried at this story as well)
i tried simply refusing to go to a christmas morning service once and it started a shouting match and ended with threats to kicking me out of the house. so.
#exvangelical#ex christian#deconstruction#i actually dont remember if my attempted refusal was last year lmao but the way my mom talked yesterday haha....#'you need to leave earlier to make sure you get to church' hmmm i do not want to do that#and before anyone says 'youre an adult they dont have to make you do anything' i am currently living with my dads mom and am very grateful#for that. we're like half an hour from my parents and they talk all the time so any catastrophic thing has the potential to affect this#also any time i 'make things difficult' it's worse for my sisters. actually just me being at the house makes my mom on edge i think#she's always ready to snap in a way she apparently isn't when im not there
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dick grayson aka “my playlist consists of mitski and 80′s rock and i will be performing this medley for you at any times i have my headphones in and you will gradually begin to worry for my mental state”
#tim showed him mitski#change my mind#they have a rule they can't let jason hear it because it might tip him over the edge#it probably led to dick hearing doja cat for the first time and exploding (boom)#anyways he has pretty bad dad dancing skills and just shimmies whilst working#does his lil hip wiggle#dick grayson#tim drake#jason todd#batfam#batfam hc#batkids#batfamily#dick grayson hc
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after 8pm my laptop stopped charging after it hit 80% and i had a FUCKING anxiety attack like bruh wtf AND MIND YOU THIS LAPTOP WAS BOUGHT 5 DAYS BACK and i was panicking so hard AND THEN FOUND OUT THAT LENOVO HAS THIS THING TO PREVENT OVERCHARGING AT NIGHT.
SOMEBODY ANYBODY COULDVE WARNED ME ABOUT THIS I WAS SO SCARED I LITERALLY CRIED BRO
#im more anxious cuz this is the first laptop that ever belongs to me. sure the previous one was mine too but not really since#my dad has ALL his files stored there#so like. this is a BIG DEAL ykwim? Plus we got it on EMI because like buying a laptop is expensive ok?#AND THE WORST PART IS I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE IT PREVIOUSLY#im on edge now cuz day after tmr uni reopens and i have mixed feelings
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#my aunt has given me such anxiety that i do not like looking at my phone#i might just block her number#but also i would like updates on my dad#double edge sword#val rambles
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i HAVE to keep the daigo plush locked away lest i squeeze it every five minutes to alleviate the cuteness aggression i feel whenever i see it
#snap chats#being without my computer charger has been maddening#that makes me sound terminally online and its because i am. its also cause all i ever wanna do is draw :((#AND I ESP WANNA WORK ON MY COMMS NOOOOO FUCK#i mean i was at least able to read through yakuza’s bias vol 2… so theres that…#MY SCHOOL STORE DIDNT HAVE LAPTOP CHARGERS i had to order one… hopefully it gets here Overnight like i asked….. if not ill kill#anyway. daigo plushie so cute :((((((((((((((((#mine cute too but theres just something especially squeezeable about daigo#alas.. thats what the aoki plush’ll be for. my personal stress toy ☠️☠️☠️☠️#lowkey i wish i also got ichi but then i remenbee they made him pale as all hell and Yeah Im Not Putting Money To That#THE SMALLEST BIT OF A TAN I BEG YOU RGG WHY IS HE SO PALE IT DONT LOOK RIIIIGHT :((((#anyway.. i have my last class in half an hour… lemme drink this tea…#also Lowkey obsessed with my outfit today.. its that butterfly shirt + gold accessories since theyre monarch butterflies#tho Lowkey 2x the black and yellow remind me of the watase blokes from gaiden…… wack…..#ok bye its tea time#help one of my roommates just came home and she just announces like. ‘man those edibles were. OUGH’#calling my dad to pick me up nooo im a lame straight edge dont talk about drugs around me ill scream and cry LMAO#ok im done byebye lemme drink this good god
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so many things about selling online are so complicated now and maybe I’m just too overwhelmed to really understand it but either way it boggles my mind and makes me constantly terrified I’m gonna Do Something Wrong so my old storenvy has been perpetually closed for ages. I really don’t know what I’m gonna do with all that old stuff from cons I used to sell at years ago.
like I’d sell it online but I’d have to limit where I am able ship to bc the EU’s new GPSR requirements are an extra layer of things im not even sure how to go about following, as well as the VAT issues that already existed. It would’ve been different if Brexit hadn’t happened but. Well.
it’s sucks tho bc it means I can’t really offer my things to anyone in the EU, or N. Ireland either I think. Storenvy doesn’t actually let you remove regions from the shipping options tho so I would probably have to raise the shipping price to something stratospheric instead.
idk if I’d ever be able to sell at cons again and even then this is all old stock I need to offload and if I sold at cons I really ought to make new stuff. But I have like. Barely any money to pay all the bills and afford food rn it’s getting very close. So there’s no way I can afford ordering a bunch of merch and a table spot and all the other stuff, esp if it might not even sell
sometimes I feel a bit like I have a wall around my brain keeping me from being able to Understand everything I need to understand and it makes me feel so very out of my depth lmao
#I should probably just open commissions again now that i can draw with my ipad to make art#my old sheet probably could do with updating tho it was a bit busy#Sometimes it’s like. Well we couldn’t afford food today which is going to happen for a bit rn#Since my dad got fined for driving without insurance (it had expired the previous day) and he doesn’t really have the means rn#To pay for the insurance cover. My uncle used to pay it bc it used to be his car that dad was just borrowing#but then he gave dad the car proper and shifted the insurance and stuff to him and this is the first year he had to pay it#so it got a bit confused as to when the cover was up and how to go about it#I don’t Want to beg for donations when things get super tight bc there are so many ppl in far worse situations and I can like. Live I guess#But man. It has me constantly on edge bc it’s only one big enough inconvenience away from genuinely being a major problem
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I first learned the word "bogus" from Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl, in which Danny warns us that if somebody smiles with their mouth but the look in their eyes doesn't change, "it's sure to be bogus." In some editions (I'm not sure if this is a US/UK thing or an updating thing) the word is replaced with "phoney," which I find less satisfying. There are just a few words where I can specifically remember what or who I learned them from; "bogus" is one and "brittle" is another (my mother explaining why I might not be able to keep the little plastic cocktail animal* that was on the rim of my milkshake glass at a restaurant forever)
In both cases, I think I initially thought of the word as just having that extremely specific meaning (the falsity of a smile that doesn't reach the eyes, the fragility of thin inflexible plastic), didn't encounter it again for some time, and when it came up again in a different context I was like "What are you doing here?"
*twas a donkey
#and obviously I learned soporific from beatrix potter didn't everyone#danny the champion of the world is a relatively underrated dahl book#i really love it#it was one of the first three chapter books I read in my life#(they were charlie and the chocolate factory‚ danny the champion of the world and the saturdays by elizabeth enright)#it has a father who calls his son 'my marvellous darling'#it has a chapter where a nine-year-old boy has to drive a car alone at night which had me on the edge of my seat#even without fully understanding the difficulty of what he was trying to do#there's a movie of it with jeremy irons and iirc his real life son as danny#it has a fire balloon and fun facts about insects and cox's orange pippins#it starts with a photo of the narrator as a baby#every other picture in the book is an illustration#I could go on#I really should read it to my little nephew he's the right age to love it#it's a bit of an outlier because it doesn't have any magic in it#no talking animals or psychic powers or marvellous medicine or oompa-loompas#just a boy and his dad
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doing all screentones/dithering pixel shit is GREAT up until aliasing gets your ass when stuff gets resized. worst example ive had lately is this:
but it applies on a smaller scale all the time...
#btw this is what 'aliasing' is. not hard pixelated edges.#my dad explained it to me at one point wrt how it works in audio it has to do with sample rates but#i'm not smart enough to explain it verbally jglkljkg#tick biz
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Guys if the murder city machine guns come to aew I might physically combust
#I know aew has enough people but they can make room for my dads#need them to feud with the bcc#and edge and christian#and the elite#of course#aew#motor city machine guns#mcmg#alex shelley#chris sabin
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.................
#in the last week my mom has gotten a new couch#a new stereo#and a new cat#I have gotten stuck making sure my current cat and dog get along with the new one#I have started orienting at a new job#I have had to decide if I'm going on leave from or quitting my old job#I had a fever of 103.3#I started 6 new supplements to try and stop me from getting sick again (second time I had a fever that high in 2 weeks bby)#(enough to make me almost throw up if I take them all at once so I now have to take pills 3 times a day#so I only feel like throwing up a little {we're gonna ignore the fact that I've already f'd up remembering to take them 2ce#in the 2 days I've been on them cause adhd})#and I think this might actually be my limit#anyways I just had a massive meltdown cause the new sofa is only comfortable to sit on and if I try to lie down on it I'm uncomfortable#and lying down on the couch and doing stuff on my computer/knitting/drawing is how I relax after a rough day/if I'm having a migraine/etc#all of which I'm dealing with rn ofc#so that just sent me over the edge#and I am yet again convinced I can never be a good wife and mother because I could never subject my spouse#let alone my children to existing in the same space as me when I get like this#there were only 3 or four times I can remember my dad getting like this#but I remember those times so vividly#we never inherit just the good stuff from our parents we always have to fall right into the same pitfalls despite swearing we never would
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Had to move the mistletoe cactus to the plant shelf because the shelf it was on was too short and it kept getting branches caught in the vent but from the looks of it this will be an ongoing problem
#hes..... so fucking big#nottrek#plant dad in action#mendel#i dont even know if its meant to hang or if i ahould be supporting it or what ill have to google it#also i moved the burros tail to the newly empty shelf because its too long to stay on my desk#and the little drama queen lost like 6 leaves on the trip#that diva#fortunately it also cleared enough space for the date palm to go somewhere i can keep an eye on it#because he has always been sickly yet is somehow still alive a year on#please ignore the unfinished plywood edges its a work in progress hense the wood on the floor
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my mom is leaving for a trip tomorrow and it’s stressing me out so bad
#she’ll be gone for a week and a half#and i just. i hate staying alone with my dad#it rarely happens and it’s usually not for this long#and i hate when anyone i know gets on a flight already and she’s having a layover too#and i’m so on edge bc of school and my mom has been the only person i could really talk to about it#and by the time she’s back i should have everything finished but i just really don’t want her to leave#esp bc staying with my dad means i have to do everything myself#which is fine like i’ve stayed home alone before but doing everything yourself bc there’s nobody around to help#and doing so when your dad does close to nothing and gets constantly mad about everything#is just. not the same#god i’ve been crying multiple times a day every day for like a week now#and nothing is getting solved and even when it seems i’m one step closer to putting all of this behind another problem appears out of nowher#and i don’t think i can stand this for much longer#whatever. save me życie na kredycie#📓
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