#it starts with a photo of the narrator as a baby

[airyairyaucontraire]

I first learned the word "bogus" from Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl, in which Danny warns us that if somebody smiles with their mouth but the look in their eyes doesn't change, "it's sure to be bogus." In some editions (I'm not sure if this is a US/UK thing or an updating thing) the word is replaced with "phoney," which I find less satisfying. There are just a few words where I can specifically remember what or who I learned them from; "bogus" is one and "brittle" is another (my mother explaining why I might not be able to keep the little plastic cocktail animal* that was on the rim of my milkshake glass at a restaurant forever)

In both cases, I think I initially thought of the word as just having that extremely specific meaning (the falsity of a smile that doesn't reach the eyes, the fragility of thin inflexible plastic), didn't encounter it again for some time, and when it came up again in a different context I was like "What are you doing here?"

*twas a donkey

[lazycats-stuff]

I remember back when i was a few months old and still using a baby walker, I'll wake up early morning but my parents will be too exhausted to get up yet so my older sister will put me in the walker in front of the TV and turn on something like national geographic or anything about animals then I'm entertained for hours(might take a stroll around the livingroom but with my eyes still on the tv) even though i understood nothing lol, can i see something like that with batfam and babybat? I feel like this is something batbros will definitely do if they're too tired to entertain their baby brother but still want to hangout with him(they just end up open mouthed staring at the tv just like the baby < Bruce's favourite site in the morning)

Oh my God, that is completely adorable. My parents also gave me a walker and I would only watch Incredibles and that would entertain me for hours.

Summary: A nice morning with the fam.

Warnings: fluff, fluffy morning, everyone loves the baby, Alfred love too... I just love the fam...

Taking care of a baby is exhausting. Any parent will tell you that. And it also takes a village to raise a child, which is also true. Very much true if you ask any parent who is dealing with a baby in a moment. (Y/N) Wayne joined the family a year ago, as a newborn whose mom didn't feel ready to take care of him.

Bruce didn't judge her for it and he happily took his son in, introducing him to the rest of the family. Everyone took a liking to the little baby and they showered the boy with affection and love. One of them made sure to be home at night, taking a break from patrol to take care of their brother for the night.

It was nice to take a break from the patrol and intense stress it brings and some could argue that taking care of a baby is more stressful, but the Wayne family had to disagree with those people. (Y/N) was an easy baby, by every single definition. He ate on time, slept on time, got a lot of cuddles and they all played with him.

All in all, it was amazing and stress free. All boys waited for their night off, alongside Bruce. Nothing could be better. Absolutely nothing could top that one night where they take care of their baby brother and their son.

But they were all exhausted beyond belief. And ever since (Y/N) has started walking, the little baby has a lot of energy to investigate. So Bruce got him a walker to that the little baby could walk around the living room and the kitchen. It's an adorable sight to see a baby just walking around like that, giggles and normal baby noise following him around.

Of course, the boys carried him all the time, just cuddling him and kiss his cheeks and head and smelling his scalp for that baby smell. Bruce had to admit, that baby smell is something interesting. He has heard of it, but he didn't think it was a real thing.

The more you know.

And for some reason, (Y/N) loves National Geographic. Maybe it's the colorful animals or just the voice of the narrator, but it made his eyes glued to the TV, mouth agape as he was watching the animals and listening to the voice, despite not understanding anything, he was glued to the TV.

So what do the brothers do when they are too exhausted to entertain their little brother, but still want to hang out with their baby brother?

They put the National Geographic on, put (Y/N) in his walker and then the four older kids just lay down on the couch and try to catch some sleep.

But that never really goes well, because they watch the animals too and they are shocked, mirroring (Y/N)'s expressions, but from a whole another reason. They were shocked by the facts and the looks of certain animals.

What the hell?

While every single child on the couch was in shock from the sheer diversity of their planet Earth, Bruce would just walk in quietly and watch for a few minutes. It was absolutely adorable and Bruce took a few photos and videos.

And those things will be the one thing he cherishes the most. He will print out those pictures and frame them on the wall one day and then put them on the wall. He smiled as he went to the kitchen where Alfred was already heating up a bottle of milk for their little bat.

Yes, the little bat was (Y/N)'s nickname. And yes. Bruce has made it happen.

Alfred handed the warm bottle to Bruce who made his way to the living room, taking (Y/N) into his arms and then putting him in his lap, making sure he could still the TV and then giving him his bottle to eat and be full.

The older boys didn't even bat an eyes as their brother was being fed.

" Do you see this old man? " Jason asked Bruce, not even taking his eyes off of the TV.

Bruce chuckled and nodded. " Yes, animal world is an interesting world. "

Damian tilted his head, mouth agape from the sights on the TV. (Y/N)'s eyes were still on the TV, but were closing from the feeding. Feeding often made him relaxed and sleepy, no matter what time of the day it is.

Bruce gently rocked his son as he finished feeding and then burped him. Bruce cooed at his son and then put him back into his walker. His five sons were still in trance while watching the National Geographic.

" What the hell is going on? " Tim asked as he tilted his head, eyes wide as he watched in shock.

Dick moved closer to the edge of the couch, trying to see in more detail. Bruce smile and took (Y/N) into his own arms, cuddling with the baby, gently kissing his head. (Y/N) cooed and laugh and Damian stood up, coming closer to the screen.

" What is going on here? " Damian asked as he observed the screen and animals on it.

" Now I see why (Y/N) is so in love with National Geographic. So many colors and the voice of the narrator is really nice too. " Damian said and moved to Bruce to take his brother into his arms. Both half brothers looked at the screen in wonder.

The love from animals seems to go deep in this family it seems. Everyone loves animals and the estate is slowly turning into an animal shelter. Bruce didn't mind it at all.

At that moment, Titus walked to Damian, snout sniffing (Y/N)'s socks. (Y/N) giggled from the sensation and Damian lowered down the baby so that Titus can sniff (Y/N), but not the face and hands. Titus huffed and hoped on the couch, laying his body over Tim and Jason who petted the big dog.

" Did you take Titus out for a walk Damian? " Bruce asked and Damian nodded.

" Yes I did. He did everything he needed to do and we played with his ball. " Damian explained and cooed at (Y/N), giving him a kiss on the head afterwards.

" He is just adorable. " Damian said as he held his brother and sat down on the couch. (Y/N) closed his eyes and just relaxed, almost going to sleep.

Alfred smiled from the kitchen and ever so discreetly walked over to the living room and snapped a picture for himself. It would go in his private folder, one with all pictures with his grandsons and Bruce. But this was a new folder, made in (Y/N)'s honor.

He never had a chance to have his own, biological family, but families are not bounded by blood. Families are bound by a sense of loyalty, love, support... That's what a family is all about. Alfred put his phone away and sat down on the couch, squeezing himself in with everyone.

It was cramped, but it was more cozy and more intimate. The boys greeted Alfred with smiles, but their eyes never left the screen. It seems that (Y/N) greeted him too, arms reaching out for Alfred, who took his youngest grandson into his arms, kissing his cheek.

" This is a nice morning. No one is rushing, everything is peaceful... We need more morning like this. " Alfred said and everyone has agreed to it.

They truly need more mornings like this... Alfred glanced down at his grandson, who was looking at him with his big baby eyes. Alfred sighed and smiled, kissing his cheek and wrapping him in a warm blanket to keep him warm.

[happiest-hotch]

Father's Day

for the biggest dilf out there <3

Summary: Father's Day morning at the Hotchner household.

Word Count: 1.8k

As almost every morning for the past eight months started, you wake up to baby cries from Noah. Lately, it's through the baby monitor, the other camera set up in the nursery down the hall, but prior to that, it was a bassinet in the master bedroom, and the journey to soothe your crying baby was shorter.

At this point, it's reflexive to haul yourself out of bed when that special alarm rings, just like how it's natural for you to respond when you hear him cry.

Aaron stretches out and places a large hand on your thigh to stop you from getting up, but his head still rests against the white pillows, jet-black hair tousled.

"I'll get him." He says, mostly still asleep. He hasn't even opened his eyes.

"Don't worry." You assure him, voice thick with sleep. "Sleep in a little." You instruct him, squeezing his hand as you get out of bed and straighten the bedding. "It's Father's Day, after all."

He doesn't protest, just lets his hand drop on the comforter where you would usually lay.

You slip off into the hall, stepping through the quiet house. It's rarely like that nowadays, and you love the noise and chaos with your whole heart.

You hear the crying when you open the door to Noah's room, but it quietens when he recognizes you. He's the cutest thing you've ever seen, holding onto the crib bars to support his weight with wet tears on his cheeks. He looks most similar to the baby photos you've seen of Jack which is cute since you didn't know Jack until he was five. Adding to the list of adorable things about him, Noah's perfected the Hotchner stare when he gets grumpy.

"Good morning, sweet baby." You coo, picking him up and resting him on your hip so you can hug him. He looks at you with eyes identical to Aaron's, a rich brown.

Noah gurgles a response, grasping at your hair with his chubby fingers. It amazes you, how he's learning to communicate.

"Today is Father's Day." You tell him. Narrating your day has become common as you attempt to broaden his vocabulary. "So, we get to celebrate daddy." He's a while away from speaking, but he definitely understands who Daddy is and he giggles in the cutest way. "And he can't tell us it's too much. He probably will, but today, we don't have to listen."

After you take him out of his sleep sack and change him, like has become routine, you make your way to the kitchen with him.

"Are you hungry?" You ask rhetorically, seating him in his highchair. "I bet you are. Those bedtime bottles don't keep you full all day as well as all night, but Mommy loves that you're not waking up at night." He babbles back at you with the most adorable smile. "So, what do you think? Oatmeal sound good? Then some eggs with Jack and Daddy?"

You do what you promise, making him breakfast while he sits there smiling. You've never known a smilier baby than he is. While the oatmeal cooks, you get started beating some eggs to make breakfast for your other favorite people.

With cooked oatmeal, you put the bacon in a pan and leave it to cook so you can feed Noah.

"Here, sweet boy." You coo, squatting down and holding out a thick, plastic spoon of cooled oatmeal. "I bet you're growing and that's why you're so hungry. We're going to have to start buying you one-year-old clothes soon." You joke. He's a good eater like he's a good sleeper, easy as well as adorable, and he swallows his breakfast down.

The bacon starts sizzling in the background, and you leave the spoon on the tray, hoping he'll feed himself, while you get started on the eggs and flipping the bacon.

Noah isn't with the plan, and his tears start pretty quickly, accompanied by screams that could threaten to wake the house. He throws the spoon you were using to feed him on the floor carelessly.

"Sweetie, it's okay." You comfort him from the kitchen, but his cheeks are turning red pretty quickly, and you can't rush over to feed him without burning breakfast. It feels like an impossible juggle some days.

Just as the situation threatens to get worse, Aaron walks into the room. "Uh oh, someone's grumpy this morning." He jokes, walking to the cutlery drawer to get him a new spoon.

"I can do it." You jump in, taking the spoon from him while making sure not to burn the eggs.

"It's alright, baby." He assures you. "I'll feed him, you focus on breakfast. It smells delicious, by the way, thank you." As always, he's your perfect, well-mannered husband.

On any other day, you'd be thankful he's there and not somewhere around the country. "But it's Father's Day." You remind him in a whiney tone. "Let me do it. You just-"

Aaron squeezes your hip as he walks past. "Not happening." He says with tenderness. "I don't want you being a married single mom just because it's a random Sunday in June." He squats in front of the highchair where you were before, soothing Noah by running his hand through his soft hair before offering him some food. It does make you feel better when his crying ceases, and it's adorable when his face lights up as he recognizes his dad. "Hey, bubba, no more tears." He coos before turning back to finish what he was saying to you. "And I'm not always here, so I'm definitely going to help out when I am."

"Today's not a day for you to criticize yourself." You remind him, smiling softly. He's so attractive when he's most domestic, dad-like and husband-like. "Especially about being a dad, which, I'll be the first one to say today, you're amazing at."

He chuckles lightly, focusing his attention between feeding Noah and lovingly gazing at you. "Thank you." He tells you. "Not just for that, but for always."

You nod, always grateful you're the person who gets to compliment him endlessly.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Aaron asks in an enticing tone, turning back to look at you with a shy grin.

"Sure." You say, smiling over at him.

"I watch you on the baby monitor sometimes." He admits sheepishly, the collected facade of his slipping like it does when he's being tender. Your cheeks heat slightly at his confession. "And what you say is so sweet. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it."

Breakfast cooked, you walk over and place your hand on his shoulder. "You deserve it. You hungry?"

He doesn't get out a reply before Jack comes running into the room excitedly, throwing his arms around his dad's neck, so Aaron can hold him to his side.

Noah recognizes him and reaches out for his brother with a grin, breakfast- and crying- forgotten about.

"Good morning! Happy Father's Day." Jack cheers.

"Thanks, buddy," Aaron replies, sweeping his hair out of the way to kiss his forehead. "Love you."

"Love you too," Jack says. He reaches for Aaron's hand that's holding the spoon. "Can I do it?" Watching them interact is something you deeply enjoy, and the responsibility of feeding his brother is a duty Jack takes seriously.

Aaron nods, handing it over and letting Jack feed his brother as he makes his way over to you. He holds your waist, kissing you softly before pulling back and leaving his face an inch from yours. "Hi." He whispers.

"Hi." You say back, leaning up to kiss him once before wrapping your arms around his neck and hugging him while you watch the boys.

It's your happy place. Still and full of love.

"Breakfast?" Aaron asks because although he doesn't want to stop feeling your warm body against his, the food is getting cold.

You rest your head on his chest, looking at Jack and Noah. "Are you hungry Jack?"

He looks at you with wide eyes. "Starving." He exaggerates the word.

"Bacon and eggs?" You offer, although it's already made and he won't turn it down.

"Please, please!" He replies excitedly, leaving Noah's food on the highchair. "But I have to get something." He remembers before racing off out of the kitchen.

You frown, looking as confused as Aaron. You pull apart, you to serve breakfast, and Aaron to tempt Noah with some more oatmeal, but it seems he heard what you offered his brother and no longer wants what you made him. Thankfully, he's much more willing to feed himself eggs and picks some up as soon as you set down his plate.

Jack comes back when the plates are on the table, taking his seat with a sly smile and his hands behind his back.

"What do you have?" Aaron asks with a soft smile at Jack's animated expression.

"This," Jack reveals a card, handing it over to his dad.

The words on the front are definitely his handwriting, reading Happy Father's Day in messy, lopsided black letters. There's a stick figure family at the bottom, and Aaron's wearing a cape reminiscent of a superhero.

"Wow, this is amazing." Aaron compliments him, tears in his eyes at the thoughtful card. "You did this?"

Jack nods before making Aaron open the card and pointing at a paint mark on the bottom. "But Noah did this." He explains. "He can't hold a pen, though, so I had to put the paint on his finger and stamp it for him."

Aaron's face softens even more, if possible. "Thank you. This is the best gift I've gotten, aside from you and Noah." He looks at you, making sure you know he's grateful you made him a dad again.

"What's the best part about being a father?" Jack asks randomly.

Aaron pauses, his mind filled with memories and emotions. "The best part." He starts, voice thick with emotion. "Getting to raise you and Noah, and watching you grow up and become a really awesome, kind, intelligent, and funny person. And being there for you no matter what."

"I like you being my dad," Jack tells him.

"I like being your dad too," Aaron replies, squeezing his hand. You can see the tears in his eyes, but it's too early for tears.

"And Noah's?" Jack asks, looking at his little brother.

Aaron nods, looking at his youngest and then at you. "Of course, Noah too."

It might just be a random Sunday in June, but Father's Day serves as a reminder of his privilege of being a dad, the unconditional love he has for them, and how much he appreciates having you by his side. Aaron Hotchner just loves being a dad.

[kindaasrikal]

I got bored so now I’m slapping you all with Lloyd headcanons from someone who percieves him as a stupid teenager. Yippe.

Lloyd, despite everything, is the BEST when it comes to money. Especially with negotiations. If the original price of something is ‘unfair’ to Lloyd, he will make sire that price of 300 drops down to 20 bucks. No one understands how he does it, least of all Ronin who feels like he just got robbed of 280.

Lloyd’s hair is naturally blonde, the same shade as Wu’s, whose hair was exactly like Lloyd’s grandfathers, the Fsm. Misako, Garmadon, and Wu all already knew that Lloyd got the blonde from the Fsm, but Lloyd, oh poor innocent dumb 10/15 year old (early seasons, so right after the tea and after they met Misako) Lloyd, had a crisis over it. After finding out Misako and Wu were almost a thing, and having no idea how the Fsm looks like, he waddled over to Wu one night, tears in his eyes, and asks his uncle why he has blonde hair. Wu, not thinking much of it, was prepared to start explaining science to him as well as show a picture of the Fsm. Until, he saw the rhetorical worry and the accusation in Lloyd’s eyes.

“Ah…nephew. What are you really asking me right now?…”

“Wu…Garmadon is my dad, right?????” And Lloyd’s about to start sobbing. Wu had to sit him down, explain he would never, and bombard Lloyd with photo’s of the Fsm and young Garmadon, who looks exactly like Lloyd. Safe to say that the next day Zane began teaching Lloyd everything he should’ve learnt in school. Specifically science.

Lloyd, after losing his element by almost dying, learnt how to manually make his eyes glow. So sometimes it’s a dim light, other times he rivals a flash light. He loves using it in staring contests, he cackled the first tike he used it on Jay who yelped back and couldn’t see anything other than a weird shadow light thing for the rest of the day. Jay then bribed Zane to do that to Lloyd, who learnt his lesson to only ever flash his eyes at Kai.

Lloyd used to read fanfiction on Wattpad years ago in Darkley’s, so sometimes when he’s captured or in a situation, he starts narrating like a 14 year old girl with a crush on BTS/Harry Styles/One Direction. “My glowing green emerald eyes stared deeply into the abyss, hoping someone, anyone would come save me…and slowly, as my lean and strong body wiggled for freedom, I saw Fritz Donnegan-” “LLOYD I SWEAR WHEN WE GET OUT-”

Lloyd knows how to tap dance. To doom.

Once, Lloyd tried to be Spider-Man by using his element to make green lasso’s or smth. Little did he know he almost blew up half of Ninjago city when everything he grabbed with them started blowing up. You learn something new everyday. Though, the Commissioner didn’t like that excuse all that much.

Lloyd enjoys growing his extras two arms out and then hanging off of Cole’s back like how baby’s do with the baby carriers. He didn’t like that comparison all that much, Kai.

Lloyd is the type of person to do things so reckless, especially when it comes to emotionally attached villains. He will happily cuss out his dad when he’s on a oni rampage, yes he will go out and have coffee with Harumi, the girl who is knows to all of Ninjago city as the quiet one and call her “Salumi” the whole time, yes he will summon Morro and tell him all the cool stuff he did as the real green ninja, yes he will visit Pythor and give him snake food as a present. All of them are concerned and/or annoyed.

Not many people realised how much Lloyd looked like Misako until he wore her glasses as a joke. She started lecturing him about how bad his eye sight could get if he kept doing that, and all he said was “I’m not even human, i don’t count.”

Once Lloyd went to a place that prides itself for its inclusivity, and then had no idea if he should go to the mens bathroom, the dragons bathroom, or the oni’s bathroom. After taking a peak into the latter two, he quickly decided the mens bathroom is safer. Much safer. He dragged Nya to help him complain to the restaurant about there being no dragoni bathrooms around here and got free food out of it. So worth the embarrassment of saying “How am i supposed to reach the toilet??? HOW????”

[stargazerlily7210]

So, in an effort to continue my reign as Queen of Overthing Everything I Love, here's two more things I've noticed while rewatching Church on Ruby Road...again.

1) How The Doctor words his telling of the story of Ruby being found. His narration of the story goes like this:

"Once upon a time, late on Christmas Eve, a stranger came to the church on Ruby Road.

"She carried in her arms the most precious gift of all: A newborn child. A baby girl.

"Just before midnight, she left her daughter on the steps of the church.

"The child was taken in, and they named her Ruby after the place where she was found.

"As for the mother, she was never seen again. No one ever knew her name...

"Until that night a time traveler came to call. A traveler known as The Doctor."

Now, certain parts of that feel like artistic liberties for the sake of the story/fairytale vibe. (Ex. "...on the steps of the church" as we watch Ruby be placed on the ground in front of the door, no steps insight.)

I've already made a post about why I think the woman being Ruby's mother is likely one of those artistic liberties, but that's not what this is about.

This time, I'm caught up on the "No one ever knew her name UNTIL..."

The only ways to take the whole last part of his story is that when The Doctor arrives during that scene, are a) he knows her name in that moment, or b) somehow his arrival causes an unnamed but relevant someone else to know her name.

And while, that alone wouldn't be enough to warrant this post, it did feel intentional. Especially considering that by the end of the episode, as far as we can tell, there's no known reason/opportunity for The Doctor to have learned her identity yet.

Which leads me to my next point.

2) I can't help but wonder if we're intentionally being misled. Because the scene we're shown at the beginning during The Doctor's story is not the same as what we see in the end of the episode when The Doctor goes back to rescue Ruby from the goblins.

And I can prove it.

It's shot as if it's the same scene twice, and we're clearly meant to think we've just caught up to what we saw at the start of the episode.

Pardon my poor quality photos (idk how to get screen shots from either iplayer or disney+) but look:

These are from the start of the episode. Note: the tears actively running down his cheeks.

BUT!

These are from the "same" moment but at the end of the episode. Note: watery eyes, but no active tears spilling over.

Now I understand enough about the filming process to know there can absolutely be minor inconsistencies between shots as the various takes are edited together to create the final product. But why bother to edit and use different, identically framed shots that are supposed to be of the same moment, but don't line up? Especially when it's a closeup of a single person?

It just seems intentional to me. Especially when you consider my first point in tandem with it.

I think what we hear/see at the beginning isn't what we see in the episode. Maybe it happens later after Ruby and The Doctor figure out the identity of the woman/Ruby's mother.

Thoughts?

[redroomreflections]

The Ghost in The Window Chapter 2

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: As a former child star and one-half of one of Hollywood's most powerful couples, you’re no stranger to the dangers of the spotlight. Life has just begun to settle for you as you navigate motherhood, marriage, and your career. When a fan-turned-stalker gets a bit too close for comfort, everything is turned upside down

Note: Uploading the WIPs too.

W/c: 5.9k

chapter 1

You awoke to the sound of a baby crying and crackling from the baby monitor on your nightstand. You adjusted your position in bed, lying on your side, peeking one eye open to view the screen. For just a few seconds you were hoping that Grace would fall asleep again. Of course, that would be too easy and to no surprise, she’s awake in her crib. You reach out a hand to feel for your phone, finding it under the bundle of blankets, to see it’s only six in the morning. You guess your day would be starting now. It doesn’t take you long to rush to the bathroom to relieve yourself and then make your way to the nursery. You stop at Rose’s bedroom to see her lying peacefully amongst a mountain of stuffed animals in her bed. You close her bedroom door again and leave her to sleep. At least one of you is getting that luxury.

You have Carla on standby when needed but you’d instead do all of this on your own. In the months between work, there’s always something to do. Motherhood was just one of them. It’s your favorite part and though it gets lonely without Natasha here you know she’s never too far away. You step into Grace’s bedroom, tapping the light switch to flood the room, while you grab her from her crib. She’s cuddly this morning as she lies her head on your shoulder.

“First, we get a diaper change, and then Mommy needs her coffee,” You narrate the entire day to Grace. You lie her atop the changing table, one you rarely use, as you quickly get her all cleaned up. “I know that was uncomfortable. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.” Her whining dies down to slight sniffles as she looks up at you. She’s enamored by you and your speaking voice. She grabs onto one of the pacifiers lying near her head to press it into her mouth.

Once that’s settled you head down to the first floor where you find Mocha waiting at the kitchen doors to be let out. You unlock the french doors with one and open it wide enough for the Mocha to go and relieve himself.

Next, you try to put Grace in her high chair to free up your hands but she’s having none of it. Her cries of protest are heard, so you keep her on your hip as you prepare a coffee. Using a Keurig is an easy enough process, and you use it efficiently. Grace watches you for a little longer before deciding she’s ready for her breakfast. She tugs at the material of your tank top with chubby hands, hoping to free one of your breasts.

“Mommy’s trying to hurry,” You say. While you wait for the coffee to finish, you go onto the patio to place your planner and phone on the table. You’re honestly doing a lot for a relaxing morning at home. When the coffee’s done, you take extra care to keep it out of arm's reach of Grace. You sit in a cozy spot where you can see the view of Los Angeles from your backyard. The sun had only risen an hour ago and was already shining brightly. It’s a peaceful morning if you do say so yourself. You position Grace in your arms, shifting your tank top up, and wait for her to latch on. Her suckling is steady and strong. She’ll be occupied for the next twenty minutes. You crack open your planner, eyeing the next week's dates as you go over your schedule. You have an outfit fitting and a photo shoot tomorrow, a brunch with friends in two days, and a party that you’re throwing in a couple of nights.

It’s an end-of-summer party that you host annually. Friends and family all get together to celebrate various accomplishments and goals they’ve tackled throughout the summer. You’re honestly just ready for the fun to begin. You spend several months of the year working your ass off and you deserve to celebrate. You open up a notes page on your phone to go through the checklist you’ve been keeping for the past week. You’re having the party here at home so the guest list isn’t too big. Your house is big enough to fit about sixty people. Anything more and it would be bursting at the seams. There’s no real theme. However, you’re bound to call it a summer splash party or something. The invitations have been sent and RSVPs are coming back by the buckets. There’s also catering and a personal chef coming to bring food. When you said a small party you might be lying. This thing may turn out to be something more than you imagined it would be. Those usually turned out to be more fun.

You’re finishing up with your checklist just in time to switch Grace to your other breast. She’s content and happy as she fills her tummy. The next few minutes are spent in silence as you sip your coffee. You should think about breakfast. Natasha is coming home today and you wonder if she would enjoy something homemade or a restaurant meal. Rose loves IHOP and you’re sure neither of them would protest going to the family chain.

Speaking of Rose, the princess is awake, and a tad bit grumpy as she opens the patio doors to come and greet you. She curls into your side, her head on your arm, as she grumbles.

“Oh, is someone grumpy today?” You ask and she nods her head. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Mama’s not here yet,” Rose frowns and you know the feeling. Life is always so much better with Natasha there. You brush her coils out of her face, her bonnet must have fallen off sometime in the night, to see her eyes. She pouts up at you and gets a little annoyed when you smile.

“You’re in luck,” You tell her. “We are going to pick Mama up from the airport in about an hour. I was going to go on my own but you’re awake so you can go too.” You offer and Rose smiles.

“Can we get her flowers?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” You say. “We can pick them up on the way there.”

It was settled. You would be getting Natasha flowers, picking her up from the airport, and then hopefully breakfast. In that order.

**************************

There’s only one small teeny tiny detail you forgot when it comes to airport runs to LAX. Don’t do them. It’s a confusing and congested airport with twists and turns you never believe. The traffic is always out of this world and you develop road rage at the mere idea of it. Times like now you forget you’re in a place of privilege where you could have utilized a driver to fetch Natasha. It sounds fancy but it’s useful. Though it’s too late now. You park the car in one of the visiting parking garages. You’re sure the paparazzi are somewhere inside waiting for Natasha or some other celebrity to make an appearance as they’re always conveniently waiting for you there. Despite the various rumors from many different sources, you don’t call the paparazzi on yourself. You think it’s inauthentic and a bit dumb. It’s a complete lack of privacy that you’re not willing to participate in. Especially when the kids are involved. Grace has been left at home with Carla while you’ve made an event of your time with Rose. She enjoys being the star of the show anyway.

You help Rose out of the car, holding onto her hand tightly as you grab the bouquet of rainbow roses in the other hand. The walk to the baggage claim isn’t too far. Rose’s little legs struggle to keep up but she doesn’t complain one bit. You receive a text from Natasha letting you know she landed. You send her your love and a reply that you’re here waiting for her. You wait in a corner together where no one will bother you. You push the sunglasses you’re sporting further up your nose as you watch Rose play a game of pretend hopscotch in front of you. She’s wearing matching sunglasses that you think are utterly adorable on her. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see someone trying to sneakily record. When you look in their direction their device is put away. You offer them a small smile though you would like to do anything but. Perks of the job you guess.

“Rosie, look,” You instruct the four-year-old when you catch a glimpse of Natasha further down. Rose’s head shoots up, unable to see from her vantage point, and so she comes to stand next to you again. You point, handing her the roses to take Natasha. Rose’s entire face lights up when she catches sight of her. Natasha waves and smiles widely when she spots you. She opens her arms wide and kneels to catch Rose when she runs to her. They’re wrapped together in a tight embrace for a few more seconds. Natasha takes Rose in her arms, transferring her to her hip so that she can come over and hug you. It feels good to have her in your embrace. She looks good and smells expensive. It’s a funny thought but everything about her makes you happy.

“Hi,” Natasha greets you with a peck to your lips. “How are you?”

“Good. Everything’s fine,” You smile.

“Mama, we got you flowers see,” Rose holds up the bouquet so that it’s directly in Natasha’s view.

“I see,” Natasha takes the flowers. “I love them so much. Thank you for thinking of me.”

“You’re welcome,” Rose looks around. “Can we go get food now? My tummy is rumbling a lot.”

“Well, we can’t have that,” Natasha reaches behind her for her bags. It’s only a few suitcases so you help with the other ones. You walk side by side towards the parking garage. “Hey, Rosie, put your sunglasses down,” Natasha instructs and she does as told. Upon exiting the airport, you’re met with the flashing lights of the paparazzi cameras. Leave it to you to forget to ask for your bodyguard to tag along. Sometimes you conveniently forget that you’re a well-known person and that privacy is a luxury. Natasha holds Rose closer to her as she follows you to the car. Rose goes in first, Natasha helping her with her seat buckles, while you toss the bags into the truck. Overall you’re able to ignore the badgering and borderline inappropriate questions. You climb into the driver’s seat and take extra care to pull out of the parking spot.

“I don’t like those men,” Rose says from the backseat. “They’re always yelling and they are not nice people at all. Right Mama?” She looks for Natasha’s approval.

“That’s right they’re not nice people,” Natasha agrees. “Now do you want to eat at home and get delivery or do you want to go to our favorite restaurant? It’s up to you.”

“IHOP!” Rose cheers. It won’t take you long to get to your destination. If you didn’t count an hour as long. For LA traffic it truly isn’t a long time. You and Natasha have considered moving back to her hometown of Cincinnati. It would be much quieter and way easier to live in. It’s something you’ve thought more about in recent months. No, you’re not ready to give up your career and the perks that come with it. Though you’re always thinking of the girls' safety and happiness too. Rose’s school is here. Her friends, your friends, and your community is here. It would be a big change. A change you’re simply not ready for yet. As much as Natasha wants to leave, you don’t think she’s ready for it yet either.

IHOP is pretty deserted at this time of day. It’s a weekday and everyone would either be working or had something better to do. This was a great opportunity for you to have a family day out. Rose couldn’t contain her excitement as she hops out of the car to hold Natasha’s hand. She practically drags the redhead into the building of the place you frequent. Though there are places with finer dining that is maybe more expensive that you can’t deny her the simplicity that is IHOP.

When you reach the entrance you’re met with a semi-familiar face. You can’t pinpoint it right away but when she introduces herself you understand now.

“Hi, for three,” Natasha requests and she nods. You follow the young girl to a corner of the restaurant where an open booth is. Rose takes the inner area and Natasha slides in after her. You take the other side, crossing your legs, before narrowing your eyes.

“Have we met somewhere before?” You ask and the girl grins from ear to ear.

“We have,” her ponytail bounces whenever she speaks and now you can see that she can barely contain her excitement. It wasn’t something out of the ordinary for you. “I’m Carissa. WildeLover04 on twitter. We’ve met a couple of times now.”

“Oh, wow,” You remember now. Her face has now been engrained in your mind. “You work here?”

“It’s my first week,” She confirms. “I heard the tips over here on this side of town were good. So I applied and got the job on the spot.”

“Mommy, I’m hungry,” Rose reminds you. She taps a picture on the menu to signal she wants pancakes and she’s not willing to wait for a second longer.

“Well, Carissa, congratulations and it’s very nice to meet you,” Natasha adds to the conversation.

“Thank you,” Carissa takes out her pen and pad. She must have forgotten her script because a few seconds later she’s scolding herself. “Right, sorry, silly me. Can I get you guys started with something to drink?”

“I’ll have a coffee, black,” Natasha requests and she looks to Rose for her request.

“Orange juice, please,” Rose chimes in.

“She’s so well-mannered,” Carissa comments as she scribbles down the order. She waits for you to say yours.

“I’ll take a water, thank you,”

“Okay, great, take some time to look over the menu and I’ll make sure to bring those drinks right out to you,” She promises and walks off with a beam.

You wait until she’s out of earshot before turning back to Natasha.

“That girl is like a super fan of mine,” You inform her. Natasha seems interested enough. You give her the entire rundown of everything with Carissa and how big of a following she has.

“Do you find it weird that she works here?” Natasha tilts her head.

“Hmm, no, maybe a little,” You’re not too sure. “It’s not like she would have tried to work here to only see me. I’m sure other public figures come and eat here all the time.”

“She’s a bit awkward but seems harmless,” Natasha shrugs. As long as she remained respectful there should be no problem.

Things are smooth sailing for the rest of breakfast. Rose gets the jr pancake combo that comes with confetti sprinkle-covered pancakes. You get french toast and Natasha gets chicken and waffles. You eat from her plate and she’s all too willing to share. Carissa hovers a little but you just write it off as her being a good waitress. You leave her with a hefty tip and give your goodbyes to the rest of the staff that you’ve come to know. You stop for the bathroom first when you bump into her again. Natasha and Rose head to the car to wait for you. It’s a quick trip and you’re about to wash your hands when she comes in. You give her a polite smile and proceed with your hand washing. She’s on her phone and she’s texting a mile a minute. Suddenly, she looks up at you.

“Hey, um, this may seem weird,” She comes across as shy though you’re beginning to think she’s anything but. “I sent you a bear. I have a friend that works at CAA and I was wondering if you received it. I know you sent a tweet for thanks but I just wanted to make sure Rose liked it.”

“Oh, yeah, I have it. I usually try to keep everything that’s sent to me,” You look at her through the mirror.

“Great, I’m glad,” She looks at her watch. “Thank you for being so nice about everything. I know I’m coming across as creepy. I’m just really happy I got to meet you and everything.”

“No problem,” You say. You think it’s a bit of an awkward conversation to be having in the bathroom. “It’s so nice that you’re so normal. I’ve met a lot of people that don’t keep their cool when meeting me.”

“No, I’m totally chill,” Carissa promises. “I’ve met a lot of celebrities before but you’re my favorite.”

“Thank you,” You take the compliment. “I have to go now but thank you for the kind words.” You slip past her and take the exit. You meet Natasha and Rose in the car. You slide into the driver’s seat again and it’s time to head home.

***********************************

When you arrive home, Natasha keeps the girls occupied while you go for a quick nap. You’re still thinking about Carissa and the conversation you had with her when you get to your bedroom. You reach for the bear that’s been tucked in a corner of your bedroom until now. You checked it for cameras or a mic upon receiving it but now you’re a little paranoid. You don’t want to assume that Carissa has ill intentions but you can never be too sure.

“Everything okay?” Natasha asks as she steps into the bedroom. She eyes the bear and you.

“Peachy,” You take the bear, inspecting it for any unusual stitchings or holes, only to find none. Maybe you’re overreacting. This time you stuff it in the back of your closet where it will stay for the near future.

“What’s that about?” Natasha leans against the dresser with her arms folded. She watches as you stuff the bear into the back of the closet where neither of you can see it.

“It’s nothing,” You shake your head. She probably wouldn’t believe you if you said it.

“Okay,” Natasha takes your word for it. On your way out of the bedroom, she reaches a hand out to catch your arm. She tugs you into her, wrapping her arms around your waist, to keep you there. “I haven’t kissed you today.”

“We kissed at the airport?” You remind her and Natasha plays coy. “I’m sure there are dozens of paparazzi pictures and fan edits to show you.”

“I don't know it’s been so long I’m forgetting what it's like,” She shakes her head and you chuckle. You decide to refresh her memory in another way. This time by leading her to the bed where you gently push her down. She sits with a happy expression on her face. She gives your body a once-over, and the wanton look sends chills down your spine. As you lean into her, you move to straddle her lap, directing one of her hands to your bottom. The first kiss is innocent enough. Short and sweet. A reacquaintance if you will. The next kiss is a little more passionate. A little more heated and definitely a lot more tongue. You breathe through your nose as best you can, letting out a little moan when Natasha bites your bottom lip, and you get lost in the kiss.

“My eyes, they’re burning,” Rose interrupts your makeout session. She covers her eyes with both hands and walks blindly over to the both of you. “No hands in naughty places.” She warns the both of you and you laugh at her words.

“That’s right, Rosie,” Natasha agrees. She moves her hand to a more respectable place. Before either of you realize what’s happening, Rose is pushing you from Natasha's lap to sit.

“I forgot I’m not the only woman in your life anymore,” You roll your eyes in fake annoyance.

“Mama, guess what?” Rose says.

“What?” Natasha plays along. “You got a new doll?”

“Nope,” Rose shakes her head.

“You grew another arm?” Natasha uses her strength to flip Rosie around to search for a new arm.

“No, Mama,” Rose giggles. “I got a hideaway in my room. Want to see?”

“I’d love to,” Natasha allows her to slip from her lap before following her.

“C’mon, Mommy, you too,” Rose toddles back to you to pull you to a standing position. You both walk with her down the hall to her bedroom. Rose’s bedroom is every little girl's dream. At least it was the dream bedroom you wanted when you were younger. It’s a soft pink whimsical-themed bedroom with a twin-sized sleigh bed. Her toys are lined up along her window seat rather than in her toy box. Rose’s bed is made up courtesy of Carla and it’s pretty neat. On one side of the bedroom, she has a tent that she plays in more often than not. There’s her dresser, her closet filled with many dresses and tutus, and her new hiding spot.

It’s a crawlspace. Nothing too huge. Not big enough to be considered an extra room. The walls are the same color as the bedroom. You had a contractor and electrician come to install lights and ensure the room was safe for her to be inside. There’s a mini chandelier-type light that Rose picked out herself. A sleeping bag, some of her toys, and a blanket inside. Natasha crawls in first and then you. You both fit comfortably along with Rose.

“This is really nice,” Natasha looks around. There’s a chalkboard wall behind her and it’s already filled with plenty of drawings from Rose. “I think your new space is fit for a princess.”

“Thank you,” Rose shuffles around her toys to sit. “You’re not too big either, Mommy.” Rose gestures to both of you.

“Nope,” You nod.

“I don’t know Rose this is a whole house,” Natasha pokes her. “Can I move in? Are you going to charge me rent?”

“No,” Rose laughs again. “No grown-ups allowed or even boys.”

“No grownups? Mommy and I are grownups? Can we come in,” Natasha tilts her head?

“Y-yeah but not when the door is closed. That means privacy,” Rose sets the record straight. “And no boys because I don’t have a brother. I want one though.”

“You want a brother?” You raise a brow. This is the first you’ve heard of this.

“Yes, I need a brother so he can teach me how to skateboard,” Rose reasons. She crosses her feet at the ankle and tells you all about why brothers would be nice. “But he can’t live here with us. He can live somewhere else and just visit. Like Peter.”

“There it is,” Natasha nudges you. “She only wants a brother to bend to her every will.”

“At least she knows,” You comment.

“Can we have a tea party now?” Rose suggests. She sits up and begins to rearrange her toys again to make room. There was never a dull moment with her.

*******************************************************

The next morning is even more hectic than before. You woke up late, completely Natasha’s fault and if she denied it you’d remind her of her insatiable habits. Next, you forgot to pump so you do it in the car on the way to the photoshoot. Roxy talks to you about a campaign she has coming up where she thinks the entire family could join in. You’re about to decline but it doesn't sound like a bad idea.

“It’s for The Children’s Place,” Roxy gives the details. “It won’t be a huge campaign. They have a family collection coming out. The girls would be featured but it wouldn’t be a huge thing.”

“Hmm, I’ll have to run it by Tasha,” You shift uncomfortably. Though pumping wasn’t painful it wasn’t a walk in the park either. You preferred to breastfeed Grace. “You know Rose will let the fame get to her head the first chance she gets.”

“I love that girl,” Roxy laughs. “Did you do anything fun yesterday?”

“Other than have mindblowing sex with my insanely hot wife?” You offer just to gross her out and her reaction doesn’t disappoint.

“I can’t blame you because I did the same,” Roxy shrugs. "Not with your wife. My wife." Roxy laughs and you join in.

“We went to IHOP for breakfast with Rose. There was an interesting interaction with a fan who works there. Carissa.”

“The one that sent you the bear?” Roxy recalls her name.

“That’s the one,” You nod.

“I’ve been keeping track of her account,” Roxy says. “She’s a total fangirl. It’s disgusting.”

“She didn’t seem like the crazed type the few times I’ve talked with her,” You think it over. “Well, not more than usual. She does seem a tad bit obsessed but…”

“As I said I’ve got my eye on her,” Roxy shakes the phone in her hand. “Isn’t that right, Sonny?” Roxy looks to the front seat where your bodyguard, Sonny, is looking out of the window.

“Absolutely,” He replies stoically. He’s always so serious.

“Anyway, are you coming to the party?” You ask Roxy.

“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss a Romanoff-Y/Ll/N party for the world,” She locks her phone.

“It’s a date,” You release yourself from the shackles of the breast pump while managing to keep your modesty. You ensure the containers are closed before stuffing them into the cooler you’re keeping inside the car. Now you’re ready for the photoshoot.

The photoshoot lasts for about five hours. Your schedule is jam-packed for the day with costume fittings, hair and makeup, and the actual shoot itself. You’re beginning to feel fatigued with the entire process but you know you have to push forward. Anything to make the time go by faster. You’re also scheduled for an interview with USWeekly which is the point of this entire thing. You’re seated in a chair, dressed in an extravagant nightgown, with fuzzy pink slippers on your feet, and Darcy by your side to fix your makeup. You pay as much attention as you can to the interviewer Samantha Daily as she shoots off questions.

“Do you ever get used to being a celebrity?” She asks and you pause.

“No, I don’t think you do,” You answer honestly. “At least for me. There are people that exist that live for the fame and lifestyle and I think Natasha handles it all quite well. As for me, while I enjoy it, fame was never something I was chasing. It’s always been about the craft and the entertainment industry as an art. So, no, I’m always kind of surprised when people know me. It makes it harder but having discernment and understanding what celebrity means also helps a lot.”

“I know as a celebrity there are a lot of crazy rumors,” Samantha inquires and you bob your head. “What’s the craziest rumor you’ve heard about yourself?”

“Hmm, I think each decade there’s a new one,” You genuinely try to think which one is the craziest. “When I was a young teen, you know I had a lot of trouble finding myself and navigating the fame, I was never, you know, wild or disrespectful, but I had my moments. Back then there was one rumor that I lost my virginity on a casting couch. Which implies a lot of things that don’t even describe my character or my personality. It just was not factual and also not something I would have ever thought about doing back then or even now as an adult woman. It was a rumor put out by an actress that lost out on the role we both auditioned for. I mean, she’s apologized since then, but it followed me around for a while. Um, when Natasha and I first began dating people would make up different places where they saw us having sex. Which is inappropriate as rumors tend to be. I’ve heard a lot of ridiculous things. A lot of them involve sex. In our early twenties, we were seen as wild sex symbols that everyone wanted to get a taste of. So I could see where it would come from but a lot of it was just hearsay and it’s very hard to steer away from those types of things when it's out there.”

“That is very unfortunate that young women in the industry have to go through that,” Samantha sympathizes.

“It is and I’m glad now we’re having conversations and you know bringing these things to light,” You agree. “You know being in some of these rooms and knowing that that’s what people think of you is disheartening. They’re not paying attention to the work and they only consider you a body to lust after. It’s dehumanizing.”

You and Samantha discuss a little more off the record before you have more questions.

“Now, I want to pivot over to success,” Samantha begins. “What would you say is your biggest accomplishment?”

“Hmm, I figure I can say something cliche like motherhood,” You toy with the idea. You stop speaking when Darcy needs to give you touch-ups. “I think it’s a different kind of success that is only considered great if you see it that way. I love my children. I love being a mom. They’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was intentional with motherhood, how I wanted to raise my girls, and how I wanted to be. So the accomplishment for me lies in raising well-rounded and emotionally intelligent humans who have compassion for others and their surroundings. I think that right now they’re so young, I can say that Rose is so polite and so sweet. She’s a joy to have around and she’s helpful. Career-wise, my recent Emmy win was amazing, I got to record an album as a teen. I think every single thing I’ve done has been fulfilling and I wouldn’t say one thing is bigger than the other.”

“That’s a great answer. I love that answer,” Samantha writes your words down in her notebook. The rest of the interview pretty much goes like that. She’s a great interviewer and knows how to get the correct information from you. She isn’t pushy or invasive, and you love her for that. Before you know it your time is up, and the shoot is over. You’ve got some good shots, and you’re sure you’ll be seeing the results in a few months.

For now you could go home and cuddle iwht your babies.

******************************

A brunch is always an event with you’re with your friends. You’re in a fancy restaurant and having adult conversations with the people you love. It’s been months and maybe even a year since you’ve seen some of the beautiful faces. All of you are at different points in your careers and life and it’s exciting being able to catch up. Wanda Maximoff, a punk rock star, and actress has just ordered her first drink of the morning. You’ve been friends with her since childhood when she played your best friend on your breakout tv show Better Days. Monica Rambeau is a college friend and celebrity hairstylist so you see her quite often. Carol Danvers is a celebrity fitness instructor. Maria Hill is currently a top exec at Netflix. Your lives all surround the entertainment industry though it’s often the last thing on your minds when you meet.

Today the topic is sleazy men and dating. Something you can’t quite add to as you’ve been out of the dating game for six years now. You listen and add input whenever someone questions you but overall you’re happy to be there.

“I think Vis is going to pop the question,” Wanda confesses and you all look at her. She traces a ring around the rim of her cup.

“Why don’t you sound happy about that?” You ask. You know Wanda’s moods and you know her like the back of your hand. You thought she would be more enthusiastic about it. All eyes are on her now as you wait for her to answer.

“I don’t know,” Wanda frowns. “I just don’t think we’re at that point yet. I thought dating older men things would be different. We’ve been together for two years now. I haven’t really thought about marriage to him. Which says something right?” She looks to you for answers and you weigh the options. “I have been struggling with it for a while. He has been hinting at it and I just…I can’t for the life of me understand why it doesn’t make me happy. I want a married life. Kids, a family, nice house. I do love him. I do.”

“I think your feelings are valid,” Carol nods. “Have you ever sat down with him and talked through how you’re feeling?” She steals a fry from Monica’s plate.

They all go over various reasons for Wanda’s hesitance. You on the other hand don’t say anything. That is until she asks.

“Y/n, what do you think?” She waits patiently for you to speak. You would rather not in case she’s not ready for your analysis.

“Wanda,” You start off slowly. “I have watched you with Vision for a while. He’s a great man. Lovely producer. I’ve also watched you with several other men in the past.”

“You’re calling me a whore?” Wanda raises a brow.

“In so many words she kind of did,” Maria sips from her cup. The rest of the group laughs.

“No, no, I’m not calling you anything,” You point the finger at Maria. “I am saying I’ve seen you with men and you never seem as happy with them as you could be. There’s always something holding you back. Which could be a fear of commitment on your end or I know you dabbled a bit in college but have you ever considered that you may actually be attracted to women.”

There’s a moment of silence as everyone takes your words into consideration. That is possible.

“I don’t know if it’s a fear of commitment,” Wanda shrugs. “Maybe we can talk a bit more about the second thing at a later date? I don’t think that’s something I can explore like now.”

“I’ll hold you to it,” You promise. “For now think about whether or not you want a life with Vision and how you want that life to go. We’ll be here either way.”

“Amen,” Monica raised her glass. “Now, about this party. Y/n what should I wear?”

“The party is in two days and you don’t have an outfit?” Your mouth drops open. “Monica what are we going to do with you.”

“Buy me an outfit,” Monica quips.

Brunch with friends turned into shopping with friends and you found yourself an outfit that might be better than the one you chose. You spend time with Natasha and the girls and everything is alright at home. Life is good for you.

On the other side of town, a series of tweets by Carissa is put out into the world.

@Wildelover04: Y/n and Natasha are hosting their annual summer party in a few days. I can’t wait to see everything.

@Wildelover04: Just got a new gig for this week. Can you guess what it is?

@Wildlover04: I’ve met y/n again and she was so lovely. Rose and Natasha are adorable too.

*** added is a picture of Natasha and Rose with their backs turned at IHOP.*****

----> next part

[malfoyfarms]

She Loved You (extended)

JJ Maybank x Routledge!Reader

Word Count: 721

Warnings:none

A/n: part two you’ve all been waiting for; side note @softboystarkey i saw ur user on the list and fangirled, ily

The moment John B had seen the familiar scrawl on the outside of a large manilla envelope, he called everyone over to read it. So here the group sat, sitting on the deck as JB pulled the papers out. 

“JJ this one’s specifically for you.” He started to hand it to the boy, but he was cut off.

“No, read it aloud. I won’t be able to get through it.”

So that’s what John B did. He started to narrate his best friend’s words. 

J, 

I really truly hope this letter gets to you. I didn’t want to put a return address on the envelope because I still can’t come home. I do, though, have something very important to tell you. 

For starters, I am safe. I have a roof over my head, a job, and maybe just one friend. I hope you and our gang of bandits are doing alright. I hope JB has forgiven me, because I fucking miss my older brother. It’s taking me longer to detach from you than I thought it would, mostly because you were my whole world. But also because I couldn’t stay away from the ocean. You and the sea are slowly becoming two separate entities, even if I see your eyes every time I look out my bedroom window. 

I hope you found happiness. I hope you are with Kie, giving her all the smiles, hugs and affection that only you could muster. If not her, I hope someone is receiving all the love you have to give. In our time growing up, the two of us have seen many marriages fail (I mean we were both raised by single fathers), and many survive. Miserably survive. That was also why I left. I didn’t want us to end up like either. 

The day you told me how you felt about Kiara had been one of the worst days of my life, and hearing you tell me you wanted another girl wasn’t even the worst thing. About two hours before I met you at the bluffs I took a test. And it was positive. Your pull out game fucking sucks. But so does my ability to take birth control apparently. 

John B stopped reading, as Sarah uttered a “shut the fuck up,” and JJ was paling by the second.

I was terrified, then over the moon, then shattered. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to stay with me because I was pregnant, we’ve seen how that plays out time and time again. I thought about getting rid of it completely, then maybe adoption. Once I heard your confession later that day I knew I had to keep it, so I could have a little bit of you no matter what happened. 

What I’m trying to say is you have a daughter. She was born on October 17th, healthy and happy. Her name is Quincie, Quincie Jay. She’s so beautiful, JJ. She has your blonde hair, my dark eyes, and loves to test the limits. Quincie loves the water. And the beach. Especially the sand. 

I’m coming home soon. I never want to keep her from you, I just wanted to let your universe work itself out before she made an entrance (and boy was it grand). She needs her dad, her two uncles, her two aunts and she needs to learn how to be a cockroach like the rest of us. I want you in her life, she needs to experience love from a Maybank boy. I added a picture to the bottom of the envelope so you could see her. 

All my love, 

Y/n (& QJ)

John B shook the package and a 4x6 photo of both Y/n and Quincie fell out. Y/n had eyes so full of love for her daughter, they were shining so bright the group barely noticed her now darker hair, free of charms, thread and braids, or the lack of her freckles. Quincie Jay on the other hand, she was laughing, her mouth was open, and Y/n was right. She looked like JJ with her mother’s eyes. His girls looked so lovely. 

The group was frantic trying to take a peek at the baby girl in the photo. But all JJ could think about was that his girls were coming home. 

@eddiemunsonhero___ @lilacreader7 @gengen64 @123anonymous123456 @solargazes @Taintedxkisses @shamelessatoru @folkorelover888 @taurusvic @nadinenoa02 @softboystarkey @VOIDRANBOO @Tvdnmf @blueray222 @simp4holland @onehellofabisexual @idli-dosa @byycassie @bokutosmeatythigh

[kylieswift31]

A secret love story

"I don't want you like a best friend"

Taylor Swift has been singing about being in love with her best friend over and over again for years. There are many people who might fit this description, but perhaps the person she has been referring to all along is her childhood best friend Abigail Anderson?

This is going to be a gentle exploration of a loving relationship hidden in the shadows. 🐈🐈‍⬛

And just a big disclaimer before we get started: this post is akin to laying all of my cards out on the table at the end of a round of Cluedo as I announce my prediction of who the suspect is after considering the evidence along the way. Please keep in mind that Abigail does not hold the same celebrity status as Taylor does so this is presented as a theory or form of fan fiction until proven otherwise. With the exception of a couple of references to pride day celebrations Abigail has not come out publicly and her romantic involvement with Taylor is based on a variety of subtle comments and references. I've sat with this concept over the last couple of months trying to decide if sharing it was the right thing to do, but ultimately decided to acknowledge the trail of breadcrumbs that keep building up instead of tiptoeing around it. And just to reiterate, this is a strategy based discussion involving a multitude of subtle hints and connections. Generalised statements about performative relationships and behaviours have implied nuance and to avoid repeating myself this disclaimer is implied going forward. Please try to consider the details with an open mind as this is an exploration focused on the pieces of a puzzle that intersect to create a bigger picture. This going to be a really long post but it’s worth sticking around until the end. 🧡

"And so I enter into evidence

My tarnished coat of arms"

After zooming out to consider Taylor’s story through the lens of the Truman show with a completely museless perspective I began to recognise the strategic moves and countermoves that slowly but deliberately contributed to the bigger picture like an ongoing game of chess. In the process I began to see how revealing a long term relationship that began in high school would blow up the narrative of the “boy crazy” version of Taylor™, highlight the struggles that artists face when they're forced to keep their queer relationships hidden from the public to protect their career and how it would be the ideal relationship that could help reunite the majority of her fanbase following the aftermath of coming out publicly.

Unreliable narrator

“What if I told you I’m a mastermind?”

It's becoming apparent that when Taylor refers to herself as a mastermind that what she is alluding to is her role as the unreliable narrator of her own story. This type of narrator intentionally misleads the audience by obscuring the truth along the way to encourage them to engage with the story on a deeper level by forming their own opinions. Many of us have experienced this when we discovered that Taylor's male relationships were a facade to conceal her female relationships, but what if the female relationships were also a facade to conceal a long term relationship with Abigail? Perhaps it’s Abigail that we’ll be meeting at midnight(s)? 🕰

"I'm having his baby... 💙" -Abigail

"When the internet says 'MOTHER' I feel like this pic is actually what they mean" -Taylor

Abigail's pregnancy announcement was the first post I saw after discovering that she could be the red headed muse Taylor has been alluding to within her music videos. My eye was immediately drawn to the colour combination of the green and blue in the background and the red and yellow on the box of crackers. The green and blue is very similar to the canopy of trees seen at the start of the 'all too well' short film and Abigail had previously posted a very similar shot from a trip she took to Big Sur with her husband last year. I was a little confused by the box of crackers in the photo until I saw that there was a picture of Zarah at Questlove's "GMNGHT6" game night holding a family size box of crackers, which just left me feeling even more perplexed. Abigail has since announced that they have named the baby Bennett, a possible nod to Taylor's SNL 'roomies' skit or potentially a reference to the Bennett family in pride and prejudice. The birth announcement also had 'skinny love' by Bon Iver playing in the background. Add in the caption referencing ‘but daddy I love him’ and that’s four references to Taylor in one pregnancy announcement. I understand that this could just be a Taylor themed announcement considering that the majority of her followers are swifties, but there’s something about Taylor’s comment that feels like there’s a deeper message about karma being expressed here considering her latest post ended with “Childless Cat Lady”.

The (wo)man you script

"He said the way my blue eyes shined put those Georgia stars to shame that night. I said, "that's a lie"."

The first line of Taylor's first song on her first album starts with a lie. And Taylor's not the only one with blue eyes. During the 'Me!' music video Taylor adopted a kitten and named him Benjamin Button. This is based on the character from the movie 'the curious case of Benjamin Button' and his love interest also had red hair and blue eyes. “I’ll never forget her blue eyes” was Benjamin's first impression when he saw her for the first time.

"The professor said to write what you know. Lookin' backwards might be the only way to move forward."

What's curious about Benjamin Button's character is that he ages differently to everyone else. He was born as an old man and slowly became younger over time until he eventually died as a baby. Taylor has made a few subtle comments in interviews over the years that suggest that she has been doing more than just going back in time to rerecord her old music, implying that she has also been retelling her story with all of her new music too. Naming her cat after Benjamin Button symbolises the journey of reliving the past over and over and over again. And if Abigail is Taylor's muse then it's not just Taylor's story that she's been retelling. It’s “ours”. Or perhaps the time reference is more of a metaphor for predictability and repetition because it's 12 o'clock two times a day? ✌🏼

Best friends

“Tell me ‘bout the first time you saw me”

Taylor first met Abigail when they sat next to each other at her new high school. She was Taylor's partner in crime for the 'picture to burn' music video and then featured on both the song and music video for 'fifteen'. "You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail" made her role as Taylor's best friend famous, and then tying their friendship together with "Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind" cemented their connection in the public eye as a purely platonic friendship.

"And the school that used to be ours"

So many of the high school references make a lot more sense if Taylor is singing about someone she knew while they were both in high school. Taylor has mentioned a few times that they were often dressing up together and doing their own thing in high school because they didn't fit in with the majority of their peers. And then in a Jimmy Fallon interview Taylor alluded to wanting to throw a party for all of the cowriters from the lover album, implying that it was a bit because everyone knows that she wrote the album alone. But it’s the way she followed it up with a comment about how she was writing songs alone in high school too that hinted at Abigail’s presence throughout the song writing process.

Love story

"I'm invisible and everyone knows who you are"

In an interview Taylor mentioned how she didn't receive any advice before hosting SNL when she was 19. This implied that she may not have been given advise about that topic specifically, but instead received advice about how to protect her work and queer relationship while still being honest about her story along the way. In the Miss Americana documentary Taylor talks about how she was "falling in love with someone who had a wonderfully normal, balanced life". So much of what was said about Taylor and Joe's relationship in this way was indirectly referencing the beauty and fragility of her private relationship with Abigail. The difference between protecting a relationship with a celebrity and protecting their long term queer relationship is vastly different when you consider that cementing Abigail's role as Taylor's straight best friend gave her time to live her own life out of the public eye.

“Skipping the prom just to piss off your mom”

Taylor and Abigail never had a chance to go to prom together, so when MTV organised for Taylor to be a surprise prom date for the ‘once upon a prom’ show Taylor invited Abigail to tag along with her. They were able to get dressed up together and their mission was to find Abigail a date for the night. The prom photo of the four of them makes it seem like they're on a double date together, and if you're assuming that they're a heteronormative couple then you're not going to question the dynamics between Taylor and Abigail.

A is for Abigail

"Hey kids, spelling is fun!"

“Girl, there ain't no I in "team".

But you know there is a "me".”

The letters M and E are in the word TEAM, which leaves the letters T and A for Taylor and Abigail. Taylor posted a video of her being a copycat with the haim sisters as she put on the same outfit that they were wearing while the song 'copycat' was playing. I can't help but wonder if this was supposed to be an Easter egg for their appearance on Sesame Street. They sang an alphabet song together which started with "A is for Abby!" The pink fairy named Abby Cadabby first appeared on Sesame Street in 2006, adding a more colourful and feminine character to the cast of muppets. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that her name was mentioned in the song when she shares the same name as Abigail.

"We show off our different scarlet letters.

Trust me, mine is better."

The scarlet letter reference in the ‘new romantics’ song was one of the first blatantly queer references in Taylor’s discography. But what if the “trust me, mine is better” line is supposed to be from Abigail’s point of view because her initials contain the symbol for the scarlet letter? Or perhaps it’s a reference to Taylor because it represents both her queerness as well as her lover? To emphasise this connection between the two, Abigail and Taylor can be seen dancing together in the Spotify banner for this song. There’s also a moment during the ‘new romantics’ music video where you can see Abigail waiting backstage for Taylor too.

The Truman show

"People often greatly underestimate me on how much I'll inconvenience myself to prove a point…"

The director of the Truman show was pleading right up until the very end as he tried to convince Truman to stay. "You've never had a camera in my head!" was Truman's only response, pointing out that the director was so focused on the show that he never realised that Truman had been unhappy long before he started trying to escape. It felt like Taylor was referencing this scene in the 'Me!' music video when Brendon Urie opened a heart shaped door that revealed what was inside his heart. In the Miss Americana documentary Taylor described this music video as a compilation of who she is on the inside. "When it's like, "me-ee-ee," it's like dancers, cats, gay pride, people in country western boots. I start riding a unicorn, like just everything that makes me me." This implies that when we see inside Brendon’s heart that he’s also replicating what’s inside Abigail’s heart. When Truman concealed his truth behind a facade he created a play within a play by putting on a show of his own that distracted the director from seeing how he really felt while he was planning his escape. It’s likely that at some point Taylor and Abigail encountered a situation where they realised what they were up against and had taken the reigns by keeping their relationship private. This would have begun with creating their own play within a play with Taylor™ as the star of the show, and they have been leaving a trail of breadcrumbs that explain their side of the story ever since. And just like the couple in Taylor’s eye on the Spotify wrapped video have a birds eye view of the bigger picture, they’ve been playing the long game all along. Taylor’s end game isn’t necessarily to leave or come out formerly, but to prove a point that they can’t sabotage her plans when she has already came out in subtle ways over and over again from the very beginning.

“You never gave a warning sign.

(I gave so many signs)

All the time.”

"And then all I started thinking of was how do I hint at things, like, how far is too far in advance? Can I hint at something three years in advance? Can I even plan things out that far? I think I'm gonna try to do it!"

Sure Taylor could easily hint at something three years in advance when her schedule is already planned that far in advance already, so why not mention something fourteen years in advance instead? 🦄 In the behind the scenes episode for the 'fifteen' music video Taylor started a bit about how you don't want to see inside a woman's head. The director Roman White then repeated this sentiment as he demonstrated how the green screen works, implying that he was demonstrating what's inside both Taylor and Abigail's head. There was a rainbow, a cowboy riding a dolphin, a unicorn, a cat riding a bike and an obscure wrestling mascot. Referencing this scene from the Truman show during the fearless era and again in the lover era is a great example of how referencing the Truman show over and over again leaves a trail of invisible string that exposes the facade of Truman™ regardless of how far back you look.

Hidden in plain sight

“And not caring when people make fun of pumpkin flavoured stuff cause you LOVE IT”

To understand why Taylor keeps referencing the Truman show we need to consider that the performance art is designed to draw our attention to what's occurring beyond the view of the camera. Who was taking the photos when Taylor was with her friends? Who's spending the night backstage while Taylor's performing? Who is Taylor spending time with when she's not photographed? There are so many moments that we're not aware of because we're only seeing what she wants us to see. As Taylor's popularity increased and her friendship group expanded Abigail’s presence became less noticeable. Dressing up as posh spice for Halloween revealed the anonymity she possesses by demonstrating how unrecognisable she can be when you can’t identify her by searching for her iconic red hair. The spice girls are a band made up of posh spice, baby spice, scary spice, ginger spice and sporty spice. And pumpkin spice is known as the unofficial sixth member of the spice girls. 🎃

"When you're young they assume you know nothing"

Many assume that finding out that his father is still alive is what makes Truman aware that his life isn't what it seems, but what they don't take into account is that they're seeing Truman's story for the first time. It takes further exploration to realise that Truman has been living in an endless loop over and over and over again. 🕰 Truman began recreating scenarios of what he had experienced in the past to draw attention to the reality of his daily life and the director's influence that prevented him from leaving. Taylor and her friends have been recreating scenarios like this to demonstrate publicly what has been occurring privately over the years. For example, Abigail’s presence at Taylor’s concerts have oftentimes been overshadowed by other celebrities. Taylor's behaviour at the VMA's replicated this scenario by mimicking her friends having a blast and dancing along, meanwhile Jack and Margaret recreated Abigail and her husband watching quietly alongside the other celebrities. There's also the fire that Taylor and Gracie extinguished while working together which replicated how Abigail's hair caught on fire at her birthday party last year. Examples like this are really difficult to find unless you’re purposely looking for it, but the benefit is that they have plausible deniability because there’s no proof when they're recreating a similar scenario without being seen together. The tablecloth that Taylor’s security guard was seen carrying out of a restaurant was exposing the elaborate scheming that has been going on for years. “It’s all part of the fucking story” was just letting us in on their game plan. 🔥

Colour symbolism

"So scarlet it was maroon”

I recently made a post about the sequel to the original version of the parent trap and how the best friends tried to take a shortcut by sharing their homework. "What if we each read half a book? You can read the first part and I'll read the second. And then we can get together and tell each other what happens!" ❤️💙 This backfired on them because it's only when you view both sides of the story at once that you can see the bigger picture. And just like putting on a set of 3D glasses with one red lens and one blue lens, viewing a blurry image through the correct combination of lenses is like deciphering a puzzle. Perhaps the pairs Taylor has created tell two sides of the same story, with one half revealing the story she's shown to the public and the other to reveal the true story experienced in private. There may be many misconstrued details within Taylor’s music if you’re only viewing one side of the story, but the essence within her music is nothing short of authentic.

“Karma takes all my friends to the summit”

Just like the unreliable narrator, Taylor has been encouraging us to find the truth hidden underneath the facade. The techniques that have been used to conceal Taylor and Abigail's relationship really is a testament to how effective they have been with making Abigail Taylor's 'straight best friend'. And it all started with Karlie Kloss. She acted as a lighthouse drawing attention towards Taylor's queer relationships for those willing to see it, and with Abigail acting as the director Karlie and Taylor recreated moments that reflected experiences Abigail and Taylor had shared in private. This also meant that Karlie became the Trojan horse that concealed the trail of breadcrumbs leading all the way back to Abigail. Fast forward to now and Taylor and Travis are in the midst of retelling the story so that more people can see for themselves how performative relationships work. And it feels like the swifties being invested in their relationship is a necessary step to be able to recognise the pattern for themselves once they’re really to accept that Taylor is in a queer relationship.

The one worth fighting for

“I’ve still got you all over me”

When Truman left Seahaven all he took with him was the scrapbook picture he had created to represent what he was fighting for. As I was searching for Taylor’s version of this picture it took my breath away when I stumbled upon this one with the butterfly wings. 🦋 But it was the leopard print around the perimeter that left me speechless. 🐾 So many of Taylor's music videos have featured leopard print outfits, including 'shake it off', 'blank space' and 'look what you made me do'. In the 'look what you made me do' music video it's only after Taylor had crashed the car that a leopard had appeared in the seat next to her while she was holding a grammys award. Abigail posted a picture of herself at the beach at Martha's Vineyard, she was wearing a leopard print jacket and the caption described the song 'snow on the beach'. Referencing Abigail with the leopard in the passenger seat seems to imply that "look what you made me do" is karma for whoever instigated their decision to change their plans. And the leopard print on the butterfly implies that karma orange isn’t an impending album or a new era aesthetic, it’s the trail of invisible string woven throughout Taylor’s career to symbolise Abigail’s presence in her life. Karma is the fact that nobody is going to understand that connection before they understand that Taylor is queer. 🧡

"You don't know what you don't know"

"You think you could be happy here?"

"Can anybody be happy if they aren't free?"

When you think of redheads that Taylor is close with I assume you're thinking of Ed Sheeran, Diana Agron, Hayley Williams, Natalie Reid, Abigail Anderson, Sadie Sink, Ice Spice or perhaps Tree Paine to name a few. There have been so many red headed people in Taylor’s music videos too. I’d picked up on this pattern long before I first considered that they could be a reference to Abigail and the first occurrence just happens to be in 'picture to burn'. Many songs like this reference a third person that creates a love triangle. But what if Taylor was being honest when she said that she's been writing about a fictional love triangle? And the lie is that James ended up with August and not Betty? The way Taylor mentioned this tidbit is suddenly sounding a lot like the way she said "my boyfriend Travis" during her VMA's speech. Tayliar indeed. What if the story Taylor has been telling us over and over again is actually a fictional love triangle between Taylor, Abigail and Taylor™? Perhaps they've been using the main characters from the remake of the 'beauty and the beast' movie to explain their love story. There's the duplicity of Belle and Belle™ who felt torn between two worlds. 💙💛 The beast lived in exile, frozen in an endless winter as he watched the petals of the rose slowly wilt and die. ❄️ 🥀 And Gaston who made it his life's mission to convince Belle to be his wife and the mother of his children. 💍🤰🏼 Belle and the Beast reflect the beauty of the hidden love story between Taylor and Abigail. But in public it's a battle of wills between Belle™ and Gaston, who represent the facade of Taylor™ and her muse. When we see Taylor with Travis they're showing us the queer love story between Taylor and Abigail as Belle and the Beast, while pretending that they're in a real relationship as Belle™ and Gaston. The dynamics in the love triangle between Belle, Belle ™, Beast and Gaston remain the same regardless of who's playing which character. For example the 'bejewelled' music video ended with Taylor playing the role of Belle, and Jack playing the role of Gaston. She turned down his proposal and kept the castle. It's implied that she ended up alone but the reference to the Beast's castle suggests otherwise. Just like Taylor turned off the yellow light at the end of the 'all too well' short film and kept the blue light on, she's choosing Abigail over and over again in private. It ends with Abigail's character outside in the snow looking in because the spell keeping the beast frozen in time isn't broken until the very end. In the meantime Taylor has had to get clever with using other symbols to represent Abigail's presence in the shadows of the west wing.

"This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing."

"But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west"

"The joker and the queen" 🃏👸🏼

Mascots

"I come back stronger than a 90's trend"

I've been viewing Taylor's story through a queer lens, a millennial lens and even a Truman show lens. Eventually I began viewing other forms of media through a Taylor Swift lens too, but more specifically late 90's and early 00's movies. I recently watched the 2003 movie 'stuck on you' which coincides with how Abigail has remained hidden in plain sight over the years. Bob and Walt are conjoined twins who spend their days working in a burger shop and at night Bob struggles with panic attacks due to accompanying Walt on stage while he performs in a play. Eventually they leave their small town of Martha's Vineyard and travel to Hollywood together so that Walt can pursue an acting career. Once he lands a role on a TV show it becomes clear that they've found many ways to conceal Bob's presence as he's barely visible on the edge of the screen. Meanwhile Bob meets up with his long distance girlfriend who doesn’t know that they’re conjoined twins. Bob is hesitant to tell her the truth so their roles become reversed as Walt tries to disguise himself and blend into the background.

"You know how to ball, I know Aristotle"

With this in mind, we can begin to see how certain mascots and items might be a subtle reference to Abigail when it would be too obvious if she was always present. And Chewbacca in particular is a mascot worth paying attention to. Not only is there a 'stuck on you' burger and fries reference in Taylor’s box of lies skit with Jimmy Fallon, there’s also a scene with Chewbacca walking a black beetle through Central Park. In Jenna Ortega’s box of lies skit was the above picture of cousin Itt with a picture of Jimmy and Chewbacca recreating the ‘stuck on you’ scene. I also pointed out recently that there was a hidden connection to the golden egg on the Stephen Colbert skit. In the video linked to that picture is a clip of Chewbacca catching a football. And guess who dressed up as Chewbacca for Halloween? Abigail and Taylor. Just like they've found ways to tell their story over and over again, mascots like Chewbacca who looks like the Beast is an indirect reference to Abigail living in exile without being a direct link to the story of Belle and the Beast.

Cats

“I don’t dress for friends.

Lately, I’ve been dressing for revenge.”

I mentioned earlier that Taylor's newest cat Benjamin Button seemed to be a codename for Abigail, but this concept began with Olivia Benson and Meredith Grey. Taylor has three cats but Meredith was the only cat included in the Midnights Mayhem with Me when 'Vigilante Shit' was announced. On the tortured poets department bulletin board there were three photos from the album variant announcements, a timetable and one personal photo which was a selfie of Taylor with Meredith. This seems like a typical photo for Taylor to include in her videos but when you compare it to the original photo it's apparent that the one on the bulletin board has been mirrored with Taylor on the left instead of on the right. This implies that Merideth is the cat that represents Abigail and mirroring the picture reveals that they’ve been sharing the story from Abigail’s perspective all along. And guess what date Taylor adopted Meredith? October 31st 2011, just shy of 13 years go.

"Karma is a cat, purring in my lap 'cause it loves me"

In the parent trap movie Allie and Hallie grew up apart and they both had two halves of the same photo, which lead them to discover that they were related. Taylor and Abigail have recreated this concept by showing the swifties the love story and the gaylors the queer story. This is why the swifties don’t recognise that Taylor could be queer and why the gaylors don’t recognise that the male love interest represents a real relationship. The key to understanding the bigger story being told is to understand that it's not one or the other, it's both. Taylor and Abigail are both telling a queer love story. And Jack was the key to understanding that all of the male muses represent both Taylor and Abigail’s relationship, mixed in with the story of Taylor™. His portrait in the 'bejewelled' music video is just like the photo in the 'anti hero' music video and the proposal is just like the one in the 'Me!' music video. These all tell two sides of the same story. In the 'lover' music video Taylor is eating spaghetti with her muse. This reflects the only scene that features Abigail in the 'Miss Americana' documentary where she seems to be a guest as Taylor cooks spaghetti for their dinner. And would it be a stretch to suggest that Abigail is also the mysterious masqueraded character who floats down with the orange umbrella in the 'Me!' music video too? Just like the picture of Jack with his round glasses, all of these references to Abigail have been hidden in plain sight to create an ongoing scavenger hunt much like trying to find the hidden characters in a "Where's Wally?" book. Each page tells a slightly different story, but the main characters remain the same. And what happens when you combine Taylor and Abigail's names together? The name abigaylor sounds pretty good. Or perhaps tabby cat is a little more accurate? 🐈🧡

Lover house

"You two are dancing in a snow globe, 'round and 'round"

Taylor had an interview on her 21st birthday where she described her plans to sit at home pretending that she lived inside a snow globe for the rest of the day. ❄️ This sounds anticlimactic in theory, but what she's alluding to is the imagery of the lover snow globe. Each room reflects a different aspect of Taylor and Abigail's relationship. The fishbowl is a reference to Abigail stepping into the public view during the fearless era. The games room shows their scheming, while the attic represents their long term plans and recording music at electric lady studios. The pink room shows the duality of Taylor's public and private relationships. 🪞 The red room shows the performance they put on when they're seen together. And the green room with the picture of Benjamin Button is the only room where Taylor wasn’t wearing any shoes, implying that this is the space they share in private where they feel comfortable enough to be themselves. This suggests that the types of shoes Taylor wears hold a deeper meaning. I’ve been wondering if the red bottom soles on all of Taylor’s eras tour shoes are supposed to be another reference to Abigail, just like the toys in the toy story movie have Andy's name scrawled on the bottom of their shoes to indicate who they belong to. The scene in the ‘Me!’ music video where Brendon Urie is tapping on the soles of Taylor’s cowboy boots has always felt a little too random to not be a reference to something meaningful. The drum kit has always felt out of place too because Taylor mostly plays the guitar and piano, but Taylor's comment about Dylan O'Brien playing the drums while they were hanging out implies that this was another reference to Abigail having a go at playing the drums earlier in Taylor's career. Despite pretending to just be best friends in public, this scene represents the quality time they get to share in private.

"I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind"

It seems like we haven't been looking far enough into the past to find parallels to Taylor and Abigail's story, especially the artists Taylor has collaborated with. There are a couple of Ed Sheeran songs that seem to match their story, especially 'Lego house'. "I'm gonna paint you by numbers and colour you in. If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall." The song describes a house similar to the lover house, and yet the music video feels like it could have been the music video for 'exile'. This combination reveals the dichotomy between the privacy Taylor and Abigail gained by having an authentic relationship in private in contrast to the loss of not being able to be together as a couple in public. And the music video deals with the repercussions that come from being hidden from view. Just like the 'anti hero' music video, Rupert Grint is living in exile with the ghosts of Ed Sheeran. He repeatedly tries to find Ed Sheeran, just like the concierge guy in red trying to reach Taylor in the 'delicate' music video, which is yet another reference to the Truman show. Does this reference to another version of the lover house imply that the lover house on the eras tour is where the shadow of Abigail resides? That sounds an awful lot like a mirrored version of the giant Taylor screaming for help...🪞

Music partners

"And will you still want me when I'm nothing new?"

Taylor created a studio in her home during lockdown, but this subtly implied that she's had one long before everyone else went into lockdown because they had already been living in an endless version lockdown. When it was announced that Taylor was going to have a duet on Gracie Abram’s album I was intrigued because it’s usually newer artists collaborating on Taylor’s album, not the other way around. It now seems like this was intentional to draw attention to how Gracie collaborated with her best friend Audrey as well as her role directing the music videos. It’s difficult to prove connections like these when Taylor isn’t directly involved, but having others sharing details of her story allow her to get closer to sharing the truth without drawing attention to the fact that the story is being repeated over and over again. When Truman finally leaves he ends with repeating his infamous catchphrase to demonstrate that he's been putting on a play within a play by mimicking everyone else's repetitive behaviour. The director is left with a look of disgust as he realises that Truman has been telling him the same story over and over and over again since the very beginning. Taylor has been doing the same thing, except the repetitiveness is harder to find.

"I've had to learn to say different versions of common phrases like "shake it off", "you need to calm down". Like, I've had to figure out how to not say puns of my own songs in conversation. I've gotten *sort of* good at it."

"Speak not tired tacky wench. Clean!"

Abigail's participation in Taylor's music videos and shows was a big step, but it was her surprise appearance during Taylor's interview with Ellen that really cemented her role as Taylor's best friend. It's likely that Abigail has been credited as a ghost writer over the years, if not all along. And perhaps the story about Dylan O’Brian playing the drum kit and William Bowery was the beginning of divulging Abigail’s involvement in the songwriting process. Acknowledging Joe using a pseudonym and thanking her boyfriends on stage are all part of the process of drawing attention to Taylor and Abigail's experience so that it's easier to understand when the truth is revealed. During an interview with Drew Barrymore and Jack Antonoff were discussing the Grammys. They were implying that they both felt shy around other artists in the same way that Abigail might have felt or appeared to be when she first went to the Grammys as Taylor’s date. They have so many people involved with describing Abigail's presence now, and they’ll keep repeating the story until it becomes obvious enough that the majority start to pick up on their behaviour. It's likely that any restrictions on Abigail being a collaborator ended when Taylor moved to her new record label and instead of revealing their experience to the public straight away, they've been sharing the pieces of the puzzle with us instead so they can dedicate their time to sharing their secrets and the lessons they've learned over the years with the new generation of artists.

Lucky numbers

"And she's laughing drawin' aces"

It's well known that 13 is Taylor’s lucky number. At one point she mentioned that it was the highlight of her life when she turned 31 on the 13th. But what if the numerology surrounding that number also reflects her love for Abigail? I’ve mentioned before that Taylor wearing this number on her hand could be a reference to W vs M muses and perhaps the 1 is also a reference to Abigail. There are two 13's on the wedding cake in the 'I bet you think about me' that add up to 26. If the number 26 is a red herring then it would actually be 13 + 31 = 44. 4/4 is Abigail's birthday and 4 + 4 = 8, which creates an infinity symbol. During the bejewelled music video the shell shaped watch said that “exile ends in 3, 2”. It was missing was the 1, but why? Number 1 is often associated with the letter A, which is often associated with the ace card. Taylor had an ace of spades in her hat during the 'I knew you were trouble' music video. This is typically seen as the highest ranking card in a standard 52 pack of cards, which suggests that Taylor is saving hers for the very end. ♠️ The number 1 is also known as uno in Spanish. UNO cards and products with the letter A are heavily featured at Questlove’s game nights. When you play a game of UNO you're supposed to yell out "knock, knock UNO!" when you're playing your second last card to let everyone else know that you're about to win. This gives the other players a chance to play their best hand in an attempt to prevent you from winning the game. This is exactly what happened every time Truman talked about wanting to go to Fiji ('Florida!!!'). The director was forced to respond by trying harder and harder to prevent Truman from leaving and unwittingly revealed his best hand each time he did so, allowing Truman to successfully plan his escape. So many of us have picked up on the signs that Taylor had plans to come out several times over the years and it's possible that she's been using this strategy to force her opponents to reveal their best hand, just like they did during the lover era. For lack of a better word, it's edging someone over and over again by saying "I'm going to do it! I'm going to do xyz!" over and over again and pulling out at the last minute. Counting down with "3,2" is implying that the next time it will be "3,2,1 blast off!" but never following through. And just like Truman left at the very end, Taylor and Abigail's story is going to end in the same way the 'Me!' music video did, with an explosion of rainbows. 🌋🌈

"Don’t you love a good puzzle?"

The black cat is one of the most notorious talismans associated with both the numbers 13 and 31. 🐈‍⬛ We already know how much Taylor loves Christmas and I wouldn't be surprised if Abigail loves halloween just as much. 'The nightmare before Christmas' is a combination of both seasonal celebrations in a halloween movie, just like 'how the grinch stole Christmas' is a combination of both seasonal celebrations in a Christmas movie. Taylor and Abigail's story is an amalgamation of millennial coded references but it always felt like there was one big piece of the puzzle missing. If it's a puzzle then what sort of puzzle is it? A jigsaw puzzle. 🧩 And if the Halloween theme is the missing link, then the missing piece of the puzzle is the jigsaw killer from the saw movies! 🪚 "I want to play a game. The rules are simple." The first movie features Adam and Dr Lawrence who wake up to find they've been chained up in a grungy bathroom. They're both given simple rules to follow that are designed to help them escape, but straying from the rules doesn't end well. "The jigsaw piece that I cut from my subjects was only ever meant to be a symbol that that subject was missing something. A vital piece of the human puzzle. The survival instinct." Following the rules and not straying from the directions sounds simple in theory, but it's proves to be a challenge when his victims stray from the directions thinking they can outsmart him. ☠️ The Truman show begins with the director describing his reasons for creating a show with Truman as the star 24/7. "We've become bored with watching actors give us phony emotions. We are tired of pyrotechnics and special effects." Taylor and Abigail have combined the elaborate puzzles and cryptic clues that the jigsaw killer had created with the strategy and facade that Truman had used to conceal his plan to escape into an extensive web of Easter eggs, pop culture references and cryptic riddles that span all the way back to the very beginning. 🕸 And just like the jigsaw killer was a mastermind and included himself in the game, Abigail’s reticent presence in a room full of celebrities as the ‘straight best friend’ automatically eliminated her as a possible suspect when searching for Taylor’s partner in crime. ♟

The key

“I wanna be your A team”

The woman behind the curtain may not be so hidden after all. Someone once called me a "Hidden Mickey Gaylor" and I couldn't think of a more accurate description to explain how I managed to follow the trail of breadcrumbs leading towards the gingerbread house. But the truth is that I relate to Taylor's music so much because I relate to Abigail's experience living in exile. I just reached the six month mark of being bed bound with severe ME and have felt exiled from my own life while I haven't been well enough to leave the house. It's impossible to comprehend the fact that I haven't left the house at all for half a year. The gaylor community, Taylor's music and the lore that surrounds it has been a source of comfort and respite from the loneliness at a time where I've never felt more alone.

"This way to the (Tennessee) whiskey?"

I understand that if I'm right about Taylor and Abigail's love story then everyone else has been wrong about Taylor's muse, but if I'm wrong then all of this has been wildly inappropriate. I'd highly recommend going back to the start and rereading this post again to get a better understanding of how all of these pieces of the puzzle fit together with more context. The benefit of putting together a puzzle that contains a cypher is that the message is unlocked when the pieces fit together correctly. The 'folklore long pond studio sessions' ends with a subtle joke about whiskey, but more specifically it felt like they were talking about Tennessee whiskey. Also, Taylor has used this combination of emojis with a black cat following the tabby cat a few times over the years. Together it feels like the Tennessee whiskey is a codename that is referencing the orange whiskers on a cat who lives in Tennessee. 🐈🐈‍⬛

Taylor is the tabby cat wearing her scarlet letter. 🧡

Abigail is the black cat hiding in the shadows. 🖤

And in private they're just two cowgirls. 🌈

"I have a lot of rules placed on my life

And I just choose not to apply rules to love."

A tortured poet,

Kylie x

P.S. My favourite colour is orange too 🧡

[kaiso-woo]

Sunshine to the Moon

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺

-> Masterlist　

PART 4 of my ‘Stay Series’ - a long hypothesised journey of a relationship between Bang Chan and Reader.

WC: 4.2k | Synopsis: Slice of Life, another night after closing shop. Your Café has gotten busier thanks to that Skz-Code Episode filmed there finally being released. Tonight however, Chris is here to brighten the night. This is the first time you both admit to loving each other by the way - but it’s cute I promise.

Notes: FLUFF, Angst (if you squint, and I mean really squint), Second Person Narration, Skz Fluent in English, Swearing, Idol!Chan, Barista!Chan, CaféOwner!Reader, Fem!Reader, Cringe Cringe-Cheesy-Corny-Slight Suggestiveness-Insufferable Flirt (Thanks Chris), Shirtless!Chan (IT’S BED TIME), Swearing, Pet Names Used (Jagiya, Jagi, Baby, Sweetie, Love), Kisses (Duh)

Here for a reading marathon? Head right back to the start!

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　

Overall ‘Stay Series’ Synopsis: Bang Chan experiences the suic!des of Stays, so when you lot choose to die, he dies right along with you. Reader is the “antidote” to this condition - NOT MENTIONED IN THIS PARTICULAR FIC

PART 4

!!Casual reminder this is entirely fictitious - Chris/Christopher in my work does not represent the actual Bang Chan - this is purely my imagination and nothing more - this goes for all other SKZ-Members too!!

—

It’s been another tiring day. Perhaps even more chaotic than ever before. Chris had given you warning, but JYPE had only just released the Skz Code Episode that they filmed ages ago here. Chris had argued to have it released at a later date, to protect your privacy and give you more time to live normally before things suddenly changed.

He was right of course, with Stay’s being the detectives they are, and Stray Kids being the famous idols they are, your Café was soon discovered, and before long you had a stream of customers flowing in and out practically around the clock. They’d take photos where the members sat, ask if they left messages around the place, ask you so many questions about them that you didn’t feel you had the right to answer.

Even with Ashley by your side, doing her best to help keep the business afloat on a daily basis things were strained. You’ve just recently set up an application process for new employees because dear lord, you needed them. Ashley even suggested adjusting your usual policy, which you were hesitant to do at first, but eventually caved at the exhaustion evident in your poor, younger friend and employee. 

Customers were no longer allowed to stay overnight, and you closed at 11pm rather than 1am now. It was perhaps your least favourite thing to do – going around to wake up sleeping customers when it was time to close shop. Chris was right, Ashley is bright… and awfully considerate. She even considered that it’d be beneficial for your relationship with Chris, closing shop early, so you can spend more time together when he’s here.

Naturally, Chris can no longer help you at the coffee machine, even if he wears a full disguise, Stay’s would recognise him immediately. Whenever he visits, he can’t do much except lounge around in your upstairs apartment. It pains you to have to lock him up, but both of you know you can’t risk a scandal. Previously, Ashley would be able to hold the fort, allowing you and Chris to escape out on a little date, but not now… now you’re too busy to leave Ash by herself. You really really need new employees. Preferably people who aren’t Stay’s… so you can explain your relationship with Chris and not have them leak any information. 

This… this is too much.

–

You sigh and rest your forehead on the cold glass of the window. You’re meant to be pulling down the shutters, having finally kicked James out of your Café. As per usual, he was asking too many questions, wondering why you’re suddenly so busy. He asked you out again the other day, and you finally snapped. You told him, straight and clear, that you were taken. In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best idea, because he now spends a lot of his time asking you who you’re dating; of course, you can’t tell him.

A pitiful groan rumbles through your throat, and you try to quell the hurricane of thoughts swirling incessantly in your mind. The chill of the glass is a small reprieve, but it still hurts to think.

“Jagiya… baby, are you okay?” someone calls out to you. Your heart leaps into your throat at the endearment, and you muster the energy to spin yourself around, eyes lazily falling onto the man standing at the bottom of the staircase, his face distorted in concern.

“Another boring day for you, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, Chris,” you murmur, dragging yourself towards him with your head drooping. He meets you halfway, immediately pulling you into a tight embrace and placing an affectionate kiss on the top of your head, “Sweetie it’s okay. I’m perfectly happy to work on our songs all day.”

You sigh into his shirt and twist the fabric in your hands desperately, your heart aching, “You might be but I’m not…” you pull away so you can see his face and pout sadly, “You’re meant to be here on break, not working away.”

His soft smile causes your heart to melt, the ache only intensifying after he pecks your nose with a delicate kiss, “Jagi. You’re working, so why can’t I?”

You frown at him and lightly thump your forehead into his chest several times, frustrated, “We both shouldn’t be working.” His hand drifts up to knot itself in your hair, stopping your actions, “Shhh shh, don’t be like that baby.” You grumble and pull away from him properly, but not before he swoops in to kiss your cheek. 

“It isn’t so bad… once you finish closing up we can hang out, yeah?” his eyes are sparkling mischievously, and you sigh in resignation, knowing that he’s right. You turn to finish closing the shutters, and Chris continues to talk, “Besides, I’m the one who should be apologising…” The shutter hits the ground with a little click, “Why?”

“If I hadn’t asked to film that episode here your business would never have gotten this busy,” he frowns, absently fiddling with the sleeve of his hoodie. You swivel on your heel and stalk up to him, “Don’t-” you lightly pinch his arm, “-you say that. Ever.”

Chris smiles shyly down at you, his gaze sorrowful, guilty. You shake your head at him, grab his wrist and tug him along up the stairs, “Come on, you go wash up and I’ll whip up a late dinner, if you haven’t eaten already.” 

Chris pushes ahead of you suddenly, opening your apartment door with an elegant twist of the door handle, “There’s no need baby, dinner’s in the fridge. I’ll heat your share up for you.”  You blink at him in confusion, but he merely grins back at you. “You… cooked me dinner?”

Chris snatches at your waist and pulls you in for a swift kiss, stunning you, “Anything to make your life easier.”

–

After half an hour of arguing with Chris about why he shouldn’t have cooked dinner for you (in which you only shut up after he physically shoved food into your mouth), you’re now sitting comfortably in your bed, blankets pulled over your knees, as your eyes skim the page of the book you’re reading. Chris insisted you wash up first, so you’re currently waiting for him to finish up in the bathroom.

“Tomorrow’s Wednesday isn’t it?” He asks, emerging from the bathroom in only his boxers. Your eyes briefly flicker from your book to the defined lines of his abs, before you return to nonchalantly reading, “Yeah. Café’s closed tomorrow.” “You can look longer you know,” Chris grins, his arms crossed over his chest. “Shut up,” you grumble back, turning to the next page of your book.

Chris giggles happily and crawls into the bed next to you, his arms immediately taking residence around your waist despite you sitting upright. “Mmh you smell good,” he mumbles, and you spare him a glance. His nose is buried in your shirt, his hair askew over his eyes. Carefully, you brush the curls away, and he snuggles even closer, “I just showered.” 

Chris’ voice comes out muffled, “Okay and? I just showered and I don’t smell as good as you.”  This elicits a small chuckle from you, “Maybe you should start using my products then.” He inhales obnoxiously and then sighs in content, “I think I will.”

“Chris, I’ll be back, I've got to turn the lights off,” you murmur, massaging his scalp briefly. He only tightens his hold on you, a little whine escaping, “No. You stay.” “Baby let me go please.” “No.” “You literally left them on.”  Chris sighs and rolls away from you, his displeasure evident on his face, “Fineeee.”

You roll your eyes at him and pad over to the bathroom, hyper aware of your boyfriend watching your every movement. He sits up as you amble over to turn off the light for the bedroom, your thumb holding the current page in the book you’re reading. Finally, in the darkness, you fumble around for the lamp beside your bed so you can continue reading for a little longer. Its warm glow reveals Chris still watching you, a half-smile, half-smirk plastered on his face.

As you crawl back into bed and try to get comfortable, Chris chuckles and leans his head back onto the headboard, “You might as well call me that lamp,” he begins, eyes boring into the ceiling as though something fascinating was up there.

“Why…?” you pause, preparing yourself for the inevitable joke you’re about to hear. Chris grins evilly, and tilts his head towards you lazily, “Because you turn me on.” You hiss and make to whack him on the head with your book, but his reflexes kick in and he swiftly grabs your wrist.

“Oh I knew you were going to do that,” he laughs, leaning over so he can kiss a trail of warmth down your trapped arm. Your eyes are wide as he grins sinfully up at you, his tongue poking his cheek playfully. “Go to bed you little shit,” you gripe, yanking your wrist away from him and turning the lamp off in a rash decision. 

At least he can’t see the crimson blush on your face now.

“Awh… you don’t want to read anymore?” he mocks, his arms finding home around your waist again, pulling you in close so he’s spooning you, his breath tickling the back of your neck. “Nope. We’re sleeping now,” you demand, linking one of your hands with one of his that’s on your stomach.

The pair of you settle into silence, your mind drifting off into haze at the steady sound of Chris’ breathing, the rise and fall of his chest pressed against your back. You’ve been absently tracing his knuckles, trying to memorise the specific rise and fall of each, and the spacing between them. After a while, you stop, not because you want to, but because your mind has fallen deep into that state of fuzziness between almost falling asleep and being barely conscious.

“Is it possible to get… water hungry?” Chris murmurs, dragging you out of your semi-slumber. “Hmm?” you croak, as Chris adoringly rubs his nose on the back of your neck, making you shiver. You can feel him grin at your reaction, and you’re half tempted to shove him away from you so you can sleep in peace.

“Water hungry. Is that a thing?” he repeats, and the question properly registers in your brain.  You frown and shimmy yourself around, so your noses are now touching. Your eyebrows are furrowed as you squint to try and see his eyes in the darkness, “Do you mean thirsty?” 

A small smile cracks onto your face when Chris inhales sharply and stops breathing. After a loud silence, he makes a noise of embarrassment, and you giggle lightly. “I think I’m tired,” he whispers, trying to inch himself even closer to you. “Then go to sleep,” you scoff, closing your eyes again. “Can’t,” he bites back. “Why not?”

“You’re not hugging me,” Chris’ leg shifts to tangle itself in between yours, and after another little giggle, you wrap your arms around his waist, resuming your soothing rubs on his back this time. “Your hands are cold,” he complains against your lips.

“Then put on a damn shirt.”  “Awh but you like it when I’m not wearing one.” Stomach swooping, you blow sharply on his face in feigned annoyance, causing him to draw back slightly with a laugh. “Go to fucking sleep,” you say once more, because clearly he didn’t understand you the first time.

–

Later on in the night, the bathroom summons you, and with a quiet grumble, you roll yourself out of bed. Thankfully, Chris has drifted over to his side of the bed in his sleep and doesn’t have himself tangled around you. Carefully, you click on your lamp and tiptoe to use the toilet. 

When you’re done, you decide you don’t really want to go back to bed yet. Instead, you crawl over to sit cross-legged on the floor, analysing your boyfriend’s face in the half-light of the room. He’s snoring gently, his lips slightly parted. Your heart softens at the way his cheek is squished up against his arm, strands of his curly hair clinging adorably to his forehead.

You hoist yourself up onto your knees and brush the strands back, heart swelling as your gratitude for his existence threatens to tumble out of your mouth. No, you must stay quiet. Don’t wake him, he needs to sleep. You’re still stroking his hair back softly, your thumb brushing his forehead delicately when his snoring stops.

You gulp and pull away from him, hurrying back around the bed so you can crawl back under the covers, Chris’ back to you. Still, you don’t turn the lamp off, not entirely finished with admiring him, even from behind. His back is slightly exposed to you after you had pulled the covers down to get out of bed, and you make no move to hide it again. 

It’s in this moment, smiling gently at his figure, your heart full to the brim, that you realise it all over again. He’s yours. You’re his. You’d die for this man. You’d play limbo with the devil just to crawl your way back up to him. You’d pledge your life to counting the stars if he so asked. It doesn’t matter that it would take forever, because your forever lies within him.

You shuffle closer, and after a brief hesitation, begin to happily trace the lines of his back muscles, relishing in the softness of his skin. You pause, checking to make sure he’s still sleeping, and then continue your drawing motions. You’re lost in thought, thinking about where you could possibly take him out to tomorrow because you’re finally free. Your gaze is watching your fingers absently move, but you’re not really paying attention. It’s after a minute of repeating the same action that you realise what you’ve done.

Subconsciously, you’ve been writing the same words over and over on his back. You stop, fingers ghosting his skin, and swallow. Then one more time, confirming it for yourself, you rewrite the same words.

I Love You

You do. You love him. You love- you love him. This sudden understanding causes you to gasp slightly, your heart thumping wildly in your chest. You trace the lines again, a little faster this time, fully picturing the words on his back. 

Chris abruptly rolls over, his eyes immediately boring into yours, and your hand snaps up to your mouth in an attempt to stifle your surprise. He’s smiling softly, eyes crinkling in delight.vSlowly, he reaches for the hand covering your mouth, opening your palm out to him. With a single finger, he lightly traces your palm, and you realise almost instantly that he’s writing letters, one by one. 

He's nibbling his bottom lip slightly in concentration, and when he finishes, his eyes flicker back up to you. You know of course, exactly what he’s written there, each stroke of his finger sending the letters jolting towards your heart. You had just spent the past few minutes writing the exact same thing on his back. You’re still silent though, trying to process, mind whirring faster than it ever has before. Chris takes your silence as confusion and begins to write the words again, as gentle as the first time.

He's halfway through writing “love” when you slip your wrist out from his hand and promptly bury your face into his chest, hands snaking around his back tightly.

“Are you serious?” you whisper, curling up on yourself, face burning. “Are you?” he whispers back, caressing the back of your head. You pull away from him and sit up, eyes wide with shock. He stares right back at you, waiting for your answer, his dark eyes searching yours. You lean down and peck his forehead, “I love you,” then his right cheek, “I love you,” his nose, “I love you,” his chin. 

You kiss him everywhere you can possibly reach from his shoulders up, avoiding his lips for whatever instinctive reason, repeating those same words over and over again, a mantra.  Your actions reduce Chris to a mess of giggles and happy laughs, “Okay, okay, okay!”

He grabs the back of your head and roughly pulls you in for a real kiss, but his lips are soft against yours, tender. When you pull away, your lips still linger, and it is like this that you feel and hear him say the disastrous words back, “I love you too.” Your laugh comes out as a breathy giggle, and suddenly you’re kissing him again, everywhere you can. “Baby, baby,” he laughs, “Stop it.”

But you can’t. You literally, physically can’t. Somehow you’ve managed to crawl on top of him, straddling his bare chest. Chris grabs your shoulders and pushes you up, grinning at you from below, “Since when were you this affectionate?” he coos, hands sliding over to cup your face and squish your cheeks. You roll your eyes at him and press on his chest lightly, again, feigning annoyance.

“You’re adorable,” he murmurs with a dopey expression, “My love is adorable.” “Shut up,” you whine, collapsing on top of him and hiding in his neck. My love. My love. My fucking love. “I love you. So much. And you love me back,” Chris laughs, wrapping his arms securely around you, “Wow! You love me back. Wow… This is the best day of my life.” “I said shut up,” you grumble.

–

You wake in the darkness, mind immediately tracking back to your moment of “I love you’s” earlier, butterflies swirling intensely in your stomach. Then you realise the reason you’ve woken up in the dead of night again, is because Chris isn’t sleeping with his arms around you. You roll over and find him sitting up in bed, his headphones snug around his ears, forehead creased in concentration as he clicks away on his laptop. You sit up and place your chin on his shoulder, staring at him with googly eyes. 

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Chris mumbles, turning his head slightly. “What’re you doing awake?” you ask, carefully slipping the headphones off his head to rest around his neck. “Mmh… inspiration struck me, so I wrote a new song,” his eyes haven’t left his computer screen, even without his headphones on he continues to work.

“Chris it’s 2am,” you sigh, taking over the touchpad to check the time in the top right hand corner, “go back to sleep, love.”  He inhales sharply and fully turns towards you, a slow grin emerging, “You see, that is exactly why I cannot sleep.” You blink at him in confusion, and he elaborates, “You can’t just brush my hair out of my face, spend the next five minutes writing ‘I love you’ over and over again on my back, pepper me with a billion kisses, and then expect me to sleep.”

You grin shyly at him, your head drooping, “Now you’re just making me feel bad because I fell asleep.” “No. No that is not what I-” You interrupt him by reaching over and sliding his computer out of his hands. Carefully, you hit the command to save his work, eyes briefly skimming over the saved title ‘For My Love’. 

“You were inspired to write a song for me?” you chuckle, closing the laptop and removing his headphones from his neck.  Carefully, you place them both on your bedside table, and grope around to pull him down into the bed. You can tell by how warm his face is when you press close that he’s blushing.

“So what if I was?” he asks. “So… I think you’re really cute, but your love wants you to get more sleep,” you giggle, pulling his head underneath your chin.  “Okay…” he mumbles, breath growing laboured with sleep.

–

Chris wakes with his nose buried in your hair, and he immediately grins. He abandons your warmth to grab his phone and check the time. It’s just past 9am, you both should really get up and get going, but he doesn’t particularly feel like it. You roll onto your back in your sleep, and a mischievous glint catches his eye when he notices your shirt hike up a little, revealing your bare stomach.

Chris swiftly scampers into the adjacent office, plucks a random marker from your desk, and then carefully crawls back onto the bed, doing his best to not wake you. He lifts your shirt up a little higher, then with his tongue sticking out, uncaps the marker and writes the message ‘Chris was here!!’ on your stomach, complete with his little dino-worm drawing.

Just as he’s finishing up, you groan and your eyes flutter open, noting the sharp prod of something on your stomach. In a second however, it disappears, and Chris has crawled on top of you. He moves to kiss your cheek, but still hazy with sleep, you don’t register what he’s doing and accidentally move your head.

What was meant to be a wholesome good morning peck turns into a surprising peck on the lips. You stare at him with wide eyes, and his cheeks immediately bloom red. You grin at how embarrassed he is and lean up to give him a legitimate kiss good morning. You’re both grinning like idiots now, and you’ve completely forgotten about whatever it was that Chris was doing on your stomach earlier.

Exactly Chris’ plan. Distraction… successful.

“Good morning sunshine…” he happily chirps, the familiar endearment causing you to smile happily. This time though, you have an idea. “Good morning moonlight,” your smile intensifies as Chris pauses, stunned, and you wriggle your way into a seated position, forcing him to do the same.

“Moonlight?” he questions, his voice cracking slightly in the early morning. “Yeah. Moonlight. ‘Cause even in the darkness you still shine.” Chris blinks at you, then after a second, grabs your arm to pull you into his lap, “Okay sure,” he pecks the top of your head, a favourite action of his, “but you got one thing wrong. If you’re my sunshine and I’m your moonlight… then I shine because you do.”

You laugh and let Chris drag you both under the blankets again, hugging you tightly as if his life depended on it. After a minute of tranquil silence, you yawn, stretch and move to get up and out of bed. Chris doesn't crack open an eye as he grabs your head and forces you back down into the pillow, causing you to yelp.

“Chris! We’ve got to get up now,” you chide, pushing yourself back up and glaring at him. He’s smirking cheekily but his eyes are still closed, and you shake your head at him, “C’mon.” "Who says we have to get up?” he asks, finally staring back at you.

“I do.” You demand, and a little staring contest is initiated, neither of you blinking. Chris begins to pull faces and tease you, but you refuse to give in to his antics. “Okay fine fine,” he relents, “I’m getting up. But come here first.” You raise your eyebrows at him.

“Please,” he adds with a tiny nod. Bewildered, you shuffle over to him, only to scream in shock when he swiftly grabs your shirt and pulls it up over your head. The act is so out of the blue, and he’s unnecessarily strong that you can’t do anything about it. He runs off with your shirt and you curse, chasing him out of the bedroom and into the lounge room.

Chris grins like a mad man, sticking his tongue out at you from the other side of the couch. “Give me my shirt you fucking rascal,” you spit, but you’re grinning just as hard.

“Come and get it,” he teases, waving it around like it’s a flag. You move to one side of the couch, and he moves to the other. You both run in circles around the couch, giggling and yelling. Eventually, out of breath and panting, Chris laughing his heart out with his hands resting on his knees, you decide that this game should come to an end. While he’s occupied, you leap over the top of the couch and tackle him to the ground.

“Oh shit-” Chris wheezes as you wrangle your shirt out of his fist. You’re about to put it back on, when Chris sits up and stops you, struggling to talk properly through his laughter, “Hang on, babe wait. Look down.”

You do, your arms up in the air, halfway through the sleeves of your shirt. It takes you a moment to read his little message, and then with a yell, you use your shirt to whack him repeatedly.

His laughter doesn’t cease even after he’s pulled you on top of him to stop your playful, indignant hits. “God I love you,” he chokes out, resting his head back onto the floor, “Don’t rub it off, leave it there for the rest of today.” “I love you too, but I can’t leave it there, what if people see?” “Who’s going to see it underneath your shirt?” “What if I wanted to wear something cropped today?” “Then wear something cropped. Let the whole world know who you belong to.” “Chris. You know I can’t do that.” “Mmh but I want the whole world to know.” “Christopher.” “Fine fineeeee, okayyyyy. Just don’t wear anything cropped then. Want one of my hoodies?”

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺

-> PART 5 　 -> Masterlist

A/N: Yay! Milestone Event 4 Check!

Feedback is always appreciated, negative and positive alike. I apologise for any editing errors, I’m forever learning.

Until next read! - Kaisowoo

[givehimthemedicine]

Big Analysis Part 2

Powers and Blood

[ Part 1 ]

I have a theory to tell you about Henry that's going to make a LOT of other things click. this post is less neatly segmented by topic and more of a swift erratic drop into insanity so buckle up. Long asf but I promise at least the first/main part is worth it.

warning: very high chance this post contains actual spoilers for major reveals in Stranger Things 5. I'll be tagging subsequent discussion of my main theory here with #st spoilers just in case.

after I establish that, I'll speculate about a variety of subtopics including:

Max waking up

[redacted] has powers

Why Henry wanted El to join him

How Will did the lights

What Will's spidey sense is

Henry's original interest in Will

What I think happened that night in 1959

Let's start with this 4x8 Brenner line: "when One kills, he doesn't simply kill. He consumes. He takes everything from his victims. Everything they are and everything they ever will be. Their memories, their abilities."

Brenner literally just saw crime scene photos of Henry's victims like the rest of us. where is he getting that intel? why would he know that?

"are you forgetting that Brenner saw surveillance of Henry killing all the kids so he knows how his killings worked?"

well sure, Brenner had plenty of footage of it, but what visible indication is there about Henry's murder method that he's "taking abilities" from anyone, unless maybe you could see somehow on the tapes that each murder got easier? his nose didn't even appear to bleed a little bit until the very end.

at the time of the massacre, Henry's only two victims that Brenner would already have the full explanation about were Virginia and Alice, because Brenner spent a while with Henry in the lab and probably forced him to tell all about it. So, taking their memories, alright sure, but what do you mean ABILITIES? did Henry suddenly like, get really good at knitting the moment he killed his mom?

Virginia definitely had powers.

the only way Brenner could be so sure Henry gained all the dead numbers' powers was if he already knew that Henry gained powers from Virginia and Alice in the first place.

Virginia having powers is how she "somehow knew" it was Henry giving them visions. she's where Henry inherited his abilities from in the first place.

just like El got hers from her mom. the powers really are maternally inherited.

MKUltra didn't give Terry Ives powers, it just activated the potential she already had. you can have latent powers and not even know.

anyway, Victor Creel must not have known about his wife's powers any more than he knew about Henry's, which is why he stayed blaming demons.

so Henry kills Virginia, and as he wipes his nose, his narration literally says that he grew more powerful. Henry killed Virginia not only to evade her plans to institutionalize him, but he absorbed her powers.

then Alice. little Alice is too young to have many atrocities under her belt - her only crime is being Virginia Creel's child. I don't know if Henry has much personal resentment toward her, but either way, she inherited those powers just the same as him, and he killed her for them.

It's why he "grows stronger and more powerful" with each kill - it's not just that the mere act of killing any old victim makes his powers stronger - it's that his whole thing is absorbing people. when he kills people who have powers, he adds their powers to his.

eventually Henry does the lab massacre, killing all the guards and orderlies and kids. his backstory would so strongly seem to lead him to be sympathetic to the lab kids, to kill their captors and free them - but to Henry they were just sixteen little power vessels.

moving right along: remember how we all went "oHH" when we found out baby El learned how to do the neck-snap and throwing-guards-into-walls moves from Henry? yeah, that certainly was how he killed those guys!

hey, wouldn't it be fun if we think about how exactly he killed everybody we've seen him kill?

Henry's Murder List

if we try on this idea about Virginia and Alice... would you say it helps a little bit of a pattern emerge?

everyone Henry kills Like That has powers.

everyone.

All of the cursed four have powers. Max has powers.

It's what he means when he calls Max weak in the same breath as calling her brave. he's talking about her powers.

and apparently Billy had powers as well. not through Susan but his own mother, coincidentally. "all the rest of them" we assumed meant Chrissy Fred and Patrick but actually means ALL the rest. all the kids, Virginia, Alice.

oh, is old givehimthemedicine just a reaching delusional Max fan who wants her to have powers? he's just talking about emotional weakness? because she's depressed and Henry "feeds on the weak"?

look in what context the words weakness and strength keep getting used in the lab. it's not emotional or physical. it's about powers.

hmm ok so you're able to write off the lights going blinky because that's a common occurrence for you? at the place where you and your mother live?

I know another kid who used to have electrical problems at his house. it'd be funny if you and he had any other paralle-

MAX MAYFIELD I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE :) :) :)

I don't think we know anything about Patrick or Fred's mothers, but here's a hint about the Cunningham family. Chrissy's mom also feels Henry but attributes it to a demon, like Victor Creel.

gates do indeed open by Henry making a "powerful psychic connection" but Dustin doesn't realize how accurate his wording is - the victims have powers too. Chrissy's major visions both feature her mother screaming at her to "open the door."

doors are what Henry calls gates. he's connecting his powers with Chrissy's to open a gate.

all this time I took this line to mean that El has the specific skill of opening gates, like how Kali has her own unique skill. actually it probably just means Henry wanted El's strength. like, her amount of power.

which brings me to El.

why Henry's favoritism towards Eleven when she was the weakest kid at the lab? was it just because she was the most empathetic of the kids, and he knew she'd offer to help remove the soteria if he was nice to her?

Henry wanted El at full strength because he had plans for her powers. and if any of those other lab kids were weak he would've coached them too, fattening them up for the kill (Hopper/demogorgon/last supper parallel).

so if Henry went to the trouble of coaching El to bring out her strength instead of just killing her when she was weak, that establishes that he gains more strength from killing actively, strongly powered people, and probably only very little from killing latent or weak people like Alice, Chrissy, etc. maybe barely even enough to be worth the hassle of killing them.

right?

no, see. that's why he Vecnas them.

VECNA-ING ISN'T JUST KILLING, IT'S ACTIVATING THEIR POWERS AND THEN MAKING THEM USE THEM REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD. SO HARD THEY DIE. SO HE CAN TAKE THEM.

he's giving the '86 victims traumatic visions and nightmares about the things that he knows causes them the most pain - to make them experience extreme negative emotion, to activate their powers. just like he did by coaching Eleven to harness sad/angry memories. they get nosebleeds, the classic power-use symptom, because of their powers being stirred.

and when he kills them, he's literally power-surging them. think of the way El bleeds worse and feels more drained the harder she uses her powers - except he doesn't stop when they pass out. he forces all the power he can possibly get out of them, past their breaking point, until their bodies literally shatter. this creates a gate, and he also absorbs their maximum powers when they die. maybe like all the powers they would ever have been able to generate, total ("everything they are and everything they ever will be"), all at once.

THAT'S WHAT THE GLOWING LIGHT BULBS THING IS, BOTH SYMBOLICALLY AND LITERALLY. A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF ENERGY BEING CREATED.

that's why the flashlight-shattering surge when Henry kills Patrick. Henry isn't just "making a powerful psychic connection" with random teens - so what? what would that do? - he's making a connection and forcing them to generate extreme levels of power.

that's what causes the huge electricity surge when El closes the gate - she's using her rage montage to generate huge amounts of power, the most we've ever seen her do - AND USING HER POWERS REALLY REALLY HARD MADE HER NOT JUST BLEED WORSE THAN USUAL BUT LEVITATE.

what if Henry didn't levitate Max Chrissy Fred or Patrick. what if their own powers did that?

so Henry probably got even more power out of each '86 victim than El demonstrated when closing the mothergate (because El didn't die).

now realize: Max got power-surged... but Henry got interrupted before he could complete the ritual. she died, yeah, but of a heart attack from the trauma, not as part of the ritual itself.

I don't think Henry had actually taken Max's powers yet.

which means....

I SEE A PATH CLEAR TO MAX HAVING ACTIVE POWERS IN SEASON 5.

and if Max wakes up with amnesia and her powers lost, which is entirely likely given the pattern - don't worry about it. Max has her own NINA: all those letters she wrote. if needbe, El now knows exactly how to train Max back into power, except this time by harnessing love instead of darkness.

now, back to the light bulb thing - when else do we see it?

in the shed when Will gets taken.

Will has powers too. but you knew that :)

Will's made the light bulb in the shed glow with intense emotion too - fear. the bulb didn't burst because he didn't die.

and if the powers are maternally inherited, Joyce has them too. and Jonathan.

this could be Joyce lightbulbing, but I don't think she's experiencing a psychic connection with Henry at this moment, so it might actually be Will again, afraid for Joyce.

while we're on the subject:

Who led Holly and Joyce to Will's room with the lights?

in both the Joyce and Holly scenes, the lights blink their way calmly down the hallway. the way they behave just feels like a gentle, friendly presence - just like they do as a result of Hopper and Joyce walking down the hallway in the UD. it feels human.

but I'm not so sure it's Will. even if we say he was just walking to his room the first time and accidentally led Joyce to danger, he probably would be careful not to do exactly the same thing to Holly.

maybe the calm-blinking is not a result of a friendly or human entity, but of a human with powers.

maybe that was Henry walking down the hallway. Henry blinking the lights, Henry playing the stereo.

Joyce goes back into the house after running away, because that song is a personal thing for Will. but that kind of stereo is battery operated and can't play unless the play button is pressed, which requires the presser to either have telekinesis or physically step in for a sec through a portal. if Will could come through a portal the show would be over, and I don't think his powers are strong enough to push a button telekinetically yet even if he wanted to. but most importantly, he wouldn't want to. the demogorgon was definitely right there, and I refuse to believe Will would lure Joyce back into the same dangerous situation she had just fled. being that Henry can read memories, he would be perfectly aware of the personal significance of Should I Stay Or Should I Go and wouldn't hesitate to use it to deceive Joyce. so why didn't she get got when she went back in there? idk, maybe Will created a diversion or something.

I'm also sure it was Henry mesmerizing Holly with that circle of lights, extremely similar to the light-circle game at the Lab he probably got really good at before Brenner put in the soteria. Will can't do this:

regardless, Holly was lured in there specifically, and the demogorgon almost yoinked her.

so Joyce and Holly were both targeted in season 1, and both when they were alone.

Will was alone, Barb was alone, there were apparently no witnesses to the other four yoinkings, so they were alone. the demogorgon doesn't usually like to appear in front of anybody except those it intends to take.

and can I remind you that every time the demogorgon came into the house to attack Jonathan, it didn't injure him at all. it just knocked him down and drooled on him a bit. it wasn't trying to kill. and can I remind you that Nancy was also there.

the Byers and Wheeler families both have powers.

dream or telepathy...

cruel coincidence or ESP....

if both Byers and Wheelers have powers, why wouldn't the demogorgon burst in while the casserole is cooking and yoink Joyce, Karen, and Holly all together? because then the show leaves us the deniability of "oh well it was after Joyce; Karen and Holly just happened to be there". same as "oh well it was after Jonathan, Nancy just happened to be there". showing us an isolated attempt on Holly makes it clear that Wheeler blood is a target.

Henry keeps targeting entire families except for the fathers.

because he's killing everyone with powers, and he knows the powers are maternally inherited.

Virginia and Alice but not Victor.

all the numbers and not Papa (he's not their father literally but he doesn't have powers and it works as a parallel).

Will, Joyce and Jonathan but not Lonnie. that's why Lonnie coming back was even a plot point - to show him being available for a demogorgon attack yet being the only Byers never to have an encounter with it, and not even believe in it.

Nancy's vision of something terrible happening to Karen, Holly, and Mike, but no mention of Ted.

How did Will do the lights?

Will didn't glow the shed bulb or his bedroom bulb on purpose.

his first intentional show of powers (that we saw):

the imagery of Will's flicker is exactly the same of baby El using her weak powers to flicker a single bulb in the light circle:

"but wait, why are you calling the lightbulb flicker evidence of Will having powers? we see non-powered people affecting light bulbs by touching them in the Upside Down, like the chandelier scene in 4x7."

correct, but. look at the Nancy Steve Robin Eddie contacting the kids through the chandelier lights scene. it glows in the RU when they all touch it, right? so they ALL have powers too? no.

any lights glow when any regular people touch them in the UD. touch them.

but only people with powers can make lights glow without actually touching them. Will can't be touching that light bulb in his bedroom for Joyce because it isn't even there in the UD. he can only be touching the empty glowy space where it is, like Nancy touching the lite brite.

btw notice how all four teens touch that chandelier but NOBODY EXCEPT NANCY ever touches the unplugged lite brite? sus. assuming the other three don't have powers, I suspect it might not have worked for them.

Hopper and Joyce walking down the hall - they didn't touch those Christmas lights. those weren't even there yet in the UD. that's not just human proximity turning them on - that's Joyce specifically.

Will could only have done most of the lights stuff by having powers. some of those Christmas lights blinked too quickly for him to have touched each bulb physically, besides the fact that he was a little guy, not tall enough to reach them. he didn't have to actually touch them, and again he couldn't have anyway because they weren't there yet on Nov 6. he's not strong, but he's activated enough to use his powers consciously now that he's been lightbulb-glowingly scared at least a couple times.

but that's only half the Will-lights question. that still doesn't tell us how he knew they were there in the first place.

Will in the UD has to be seeing glowy areas where the lights are, like how the teens saw the lights when they aimed flashlights at them.

failing Will having a flashlight with him the whole time (boring! spin again), I have three ideas:

theory one: Will's "true sight" enables him to see glimpses of the RU from the UD as well as vice versa and he did in fact see the alphabet without the aid of a light source.

theory two: Joyce has candles lit in the first blinky Christmas lights scene, and again near the alphabet. I wonder if firelight could somehow transcend dimensions.

theory three, which I like best: is it possible that the lights thing works both ways - that Joyce's presence in the RU made the Christmas light spots glow enough in the UD that Will noticed them?

the lite brite scene, as I understand it, doesn't conflict with this idea. it didn't glow in the UD because Dustin, Lucas and Erica were on the other end of it, and I have no specific suspicions that any of them have powers. if any one of them had powers, the lite brite might have glowed in the UD even without the flashlight beam. and then only Nancy touched it in the UD and made it glow in the RU. if I'm right about who has powers and who doesn't, that checks out.

what about the 1x8 scene where Joyce and Jonathan sense each other in the house? if this theory is correct, Jonathan (if not also Nancy) should be causing glowy spots along the ceiling in the UD. but the UD shots are all framed low, maybe intentionally avoiding giving us a good look toward the ceiling, and we would need a good look because these glowy spots would probably be quite subtle. so while this scene does nothing to confirm, I don't think it denies either.

Will would not have seen the alphabet painted on the wall, but if he noticed 26 glowing spots while hearing his mom say things like "talk to me!" he could maybe figure out what was going on, and maybe filled in his own alphabet.

the only hiccup is these two light bulbs I circled. because these would put 28 glowing spots on the wall and how would Will know that Joyce started with "I" on the next line instead of the top right bulb, and then the rest of the alphabet would be thrown off, doubly so at "Q". although if Will is able to make individual bulbs glow selectively just by his intent, maybe Joyce is too, and only the alphabet ones are glowing in the UD.

not perfect, but that's my best try for now, because it would also explain the bedroom light bulb.

What about the rest of the yoinked and flayed?

In season 1, a total of six people got yoinked to the UD by the demogorgon. Will, Barb, and four other randos. did they all have powers too?

well, Barb's nose was bleeding:

(Mrs. Holland I'm onto you too)

and if 2/6 had powers then there's certainly a case for the rest, but that's not a hill I care to die on. like, the elevator guy could've been a convenience yoink, just because he was right there where the demogorgon entered the lab. we know even less about the other victims. I could go either way about it.

as for the flayed, the only family relationship we know about is the Holloways, and since the dad was flayed too that doesn't perfectly follow the not-the-dad pattern (although flayings =/= Vecna'ings and I guess there's no rule preventing Tom Holloway from having his own powers from his own mother).

I'm definitely thinking Billy had powers based on that one Henry line to Max, but I don't think I have an objection to the idea of most of the flayed just being meat. although the flaying process (the tentacle in the mouth) could definitely be a means of both uploading possession and downloading powers. if that's the case, like 1/3 of Hawkins has powers I guess.

so was Nancy's theory about blood attracting the demogorgon right?

Nancy and Jonathan attracted the demogorgon by cutting their hands. Barb bled in the pool. Will wasn't bleeding, but he didn't need to be because I think Henry already knew about him some other way.

that deer was bleeding, Nancy said it had been hit by a car. was that to throw us off, to make us think the demogorgon is just attracted to blood in general? although who's to say it isn't. but it was eating the deer. it didn't yoink Will or Barb (who I think both had powers) to eat.

maybe the demogorgon could smell blood like other predators, but it could also tell regular blood from powers blood, and Henry didn't allow it to eat anyone with powers because he had more important uses for them.

so then if it's literally sniffing out who has powers as it goes along, how did it know about the Wheelers? it tries to yoink Holly episodes before Nancy cuts her hand. I would love to offer you a different explanation than that Karen was there too, and... I can think of a reason an adult woman could be bleeding. do I like it, no, is it possible, I guess.

so what is Henry's original interest in Will?

what if I'm not totally off base about rainbowshipgate? what if the lab, as of 1979, is already watching Will. as a member of staff, Henry could have access to their intel on potential new kids. that way at the time El banishes him to the UD, he already knows about Will. so when he finally gets back into the RU, he makes a beeline for Will.

is it possible that, when he first goes after Will, all Henry wants with Will is his powers like all the rest?

if so, why doesn't he just Vecna him? there has to be a reason he didn't want him dead quite yet. maybe these days Henry is working in partnership with the hive, and while Henry's goal was to harvest Will's powers, the hive also had the goal of spawning some new demogorgons, which requires live host bodies. the yoinked were all handled in ways that served both of those goals.

was Will even meant to survive?

This is gross but, let's talk about that vine in Will's mouth

I FINALLY just got the purpose of this weird ass shot of the alive/dead raccoon in the tunnels. I have never understood what this was supposed to be. It must be dead - it's partly skeletonized - and yet it looks like it's breathing. I never even saw this until I brightened it and slowed it down just now, but: when Hopper nudges it with his foot, vines burst out of the carcass, and the breathing stops.

I'm frankly still not even sure wtf I'm seeing here but it made me realize that the vine in Will's mouth is not just to deposit the slug, but to give him oxygen.

everyone else probably got this years ago but for the benefit of anyone else as slow as me, Hopper's Sara flashback is not merely a visual association, but a very literal one. although the slugging is ultimately a fatal process, Will is intubated and the vine is keeping him alive for the duration.

this is why the language around Will's slug is always "coughing up" and not vomiting. the vine and slug were never in his digestive tract, they were down his trachea. the vine has to be both an ovipositor and a breathing tube. I hate this subject. it seals off the airway, preventing the host from inhaling the UD's toxic spores, because if the host dies too soon it won't be any good for incubating the slug.

when the slug is ready, the vine must retract (so the slug can get out) and without supplemental oxygen, the host (if not already dead like the raccoon) immediately finishes dying of exposure. this must be what happened to Barb and the others. then the slug grows up and in a few days starts eating the host's body, which is why that other dead guy near Barb is a skeleton already.

I've been going crazy trying to figure out why, if Henry has some grand plans for Will right from the beginning, he would use him as a common demogorgon incubator, with no provision appearing to be made for his survival. (I guess Henry could've restarted his heart like El did Max afterwards, but eh). I haven't thought of an answer yet besides: maybe, at this point in time, he didn't?

maybe his original intent was to activate Will, take his powers, repurpose him for incubation, and leave him to die? and then after Will surprises him by making it back to the RU with semi-awakened abilities, Henry realizes he's become a unique asset? (this is a whole other avenue of thought I need to work out more)

so anyway, how could Henry have harvested Will's powers without killing him yet?

there's only one, one-off way we've ever seen Henry steal someone else's powers nonfatally, without Vecna'ing them, and that's El.

when the meat flayer bites El, a chunk of it burrows into her leg and absorbs a little of her blood. if the powers are genetic, they're in the blood, literally. El uses her powers for the last time to tear it out of her leg, and later, when the whole meat flayer arrives at the mall, it stops and bends down to that little chunk and absorbs it. in doing so, it absorbed her powers.

Henry getting her powers, sure fine, but where I'm still unclear is why this is a zero-sum thing and El lost her powers, because it's not like she lost all of her blood. (also does this mean that in the ST universe if you get a blood transfusion you might end up with superpowers?) there's something I'm still missing here, especially with that shot of the blood puddle sizzling on the floor of the grocery store.

anyway, we know Will used his powers in the UD in order to do the lights. and what happens when you use your powers? your nose bleeds. this is one way Henry could get a little of Will's blood without leaving a mark on him so the audience won't guess.

Will must also get amnesia from "dying", thus losing his active powers like baby El. or else it'd be hilarious if he's had powers and known all the answers all this time and hasn't mentioned it.

What is Will's spidey sense?

if Henry doesn't count on Will surviving his slugging, I don't see any motive for him putting soteria or equivalent into his neck before leaving him in the library.

as much as I like the soteria idea, I'm honestly not sure the simplest explanation doesn't cover it - that Will's spidey sense is just fear.

when Will's neck tingled when he was possessed, it was because the Mind Flayer (Henry) was afraid. they told us that very plainly with Mr. Clarke's dialogue.

when normal Will's neck tingles, it's because Will is triggered and rightfully terrified some UD shit is happening again. he describes it to others as feeling frozen with fear, cold, like dropping on a roller coaster. he also mentions feeling like he "can't breathe or talk or do anything" - sounds rather like symptoms of having a vine down your trachea, even if you don't know that's why.

but how does he know to be afraid?

I'm thinking that once Henry makes a connection with you, there's always a scar of that connection there, like how gates leave scars - the connection is basically opening a gate between minds. (remember Henry got Max and El from Max's mind into his by literally hurling/carrying them through that stained glass doorway. Victor breaks down that same door and stumbles into the war vision. doors being gates.)

provided there's a UD/RU gate open, Will can sense when Henry is near as a result of that residual connection, but intense fear may be enough to explain the actual reaction on his neck imo. he may not remember exactly what happened to him in the UD but frankly it'd be super weird if he didn't have colossal anxiety at the slightest hint it could be happening again.

Max is the only other person who's had Henry make a connection with her and lived, so if I'm on the right track, she should also wake up with a spidey sense.

Why Henry originally wanted El to join him

maybe opening gates is a 2 player game no matter how strong you are. if Henry killed every other powers person in the world, he wouldn't be able to open gates because he'd have no one to connect with. he had just coached El into becoming the most powerful kid in the lab, and that combined with their "alliance" put her in an ideal position to be his partner in crime.

maybe the thing about her being "superior" and shaping the world with him was just a lie to gain her cooperation? maybe, but the fact that he brought it up again in 4x9, years later and with nothing to gain, makes me feel like he kinda meant it.

this does very little to reassure me that Henry won't turn out to be El's biological father. he would've been 23-24 at the time Terry was involved with MKUltra, and having both parents involved with lab experimentation would align flawlessly with El's very Firestarter-esque origin story. if Brenner didn't actually orchestrate it, I certainly can't see him frowning on it either if he knew, as I'm sure he would be thrilled at the chance to study a double-powered kid (assuming he didn't already know it was only a maternal thing back then). although I suppose Henry and Terry could also have had a thing without Brenner knowing. I will be thrilled to be proven wrong about this entire paragraph.

Henry's "join me" to Fred and Max was more figurative I guess, in the sense that they'd be joining him in his mind once he absorbed them. I was gonna say maybe he figures one of these depressed bastards hates the world enough to be his player 2, but he didn't really give them a sales pitch or opportunity to agree/disagree before killing them. I do find it interesting he never said "join me" to Chrissy, and we don't know if he said anything to Patrick.

What happened that night in 1959.

the night Henry kills Virginia, the radio turns on to Dream A Little Dream Of Me, which is like Victor's Running Up That Hill, and serves to free him from his vision.

my question is: if Henry wanted to torment Victor, why would he turn on a song that would help him?

he didn't.

Virginia turned on the radio.

oh yeah, forgot to mention! Virginia's powers were active. not all of the weird stuff going on in the Creel House is Henry. in fact it's probably not Henry who started it. the lights flickering while Henry draws with crayons - pretty sure that's Virginia pulling a stunt somewhere in the house.

here are both POVs of the murder for you to refer to.

the radio turns on directly onto DALDOM (hm I don't love that acronym).

Virginia and Victor look at each other in a way that's easy to interpret as two people weirded out about the radio turning on by itself. but Virginia has a weird, almost pleading look. I believe she's just acting confused when she's really the one doing this.

Victor has no idea she has powers. he figures this is demon hijinks and that his wife is just as baffled about it as he is, and she's letting him think so.

just before Victor touches the radio, it starts tuning through different channels. and then the lights go crazy.

the knob starting to channel surf - I think that's Henry changing the channel away from DALDOM. how does Henry know about the RUTH effect? maybe Virginia knows - either from her own experience or Brenner told her - and Henry read her mind. anyway, Henry doesn't want that song playing.

but with the radio trick, Virginia tips her hand. if Henry wasn't already sure she had powers, he is now. (Henry's reaction to the radio is a major difference between the POVs - look at his for this part) he looks at the radio. he looks to his mother. and that is the moment he says that Virginia "left him no choice but to act."

what about this moment during a calm family dinner would necessitate Henry immediately killing his mother?

why would Virginia turn on the radio in front of Henry, knowingly blowing her secret?

it makes me feel like, within a few more seconds, it wouldn't matter to Virginia what Henry knew. it makes me think of the story Henry feeds baby El about how she needs to escape today because they're going to kill her. ingredients of that lie come from his own past.

what if Virginia planned to "kill him" that night - that is, fake his death so she could hand him over to Brenner in exchange for compensation (like she definitely killed that great uncle for his money I'm telling you). all she would have to do is incapacitate Henry and then call in Dr. Brenner under the guise of helping him, and Brenner takes care of the rest. He'd put on his usual fake death routine, perhaps even providing a fake body, same as with Will. (and ultimately this IS what happened because Henry pushed too hard - Victor is satisfied that Henry died)

all Virginia has to do is act scared, and blame for Henry's bizarre "death" would fall in easily with the claims of demonic activity that Victor has already so well established around town (the demon actually being Virginia, who's been doing spooky shit in front of Victor to make him think the house is haunted, establishing the cover well in advance of Henry's planned "death").

but Virginia doesn't know the extent of Henry's abilities. she knows he's been messing with their heads, but maybe she doesn't know about the telekinesis and electricity stuff - which is why she looks genuinely confused when the lights go blinky, because she knows she's not doing that. and then she turns back around with a brief look of oh shit before she zooms up to the ceiling.

congratulations Virginia, you played yourself.

but again, why did she turn on DALDOM? if the plan was for Virginia to do something to Henry, what did Victor need protection for? or was that her special song, too? Their Song <3?

Virginia probably figured that the second Henry realized something was going on, he would put everybody in a trance to stop them. maybe she figured if the protective song was already playing, whatever Henry tried wouldn't work. but she didn't know Henry could change the channel. whoops!

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

here's the part I've been over and over and can't figure out a good explanation for. Henry changes the channel on the radio to stop DALDOM. so then how does hearing that song playing save Victor from his war vision a minute later?

after Henry changes the channel, even while the dial is still moving around, the song persists quietly in the background throughout Virginia's death and Victor's attempts to break down the door. it stops when he enters his war vision, but a minute into that, he takes notice of it again, which is what pulls him back. yet as soon as he comes out of his vision, back into reality where the song SHOULD still be audible if it was really playing, the house is silent.

there is definitely some kind of third party bullshit going on here but I'm stumped.

I don't think I can blame Alice. her powers weren't active - she had to be given nightmares to stir them, same as the cursed four, and I don't even think a little kid is probably in on a family murder plot to begin with. and like, I kinda doubt she Vecna'd herself.

is Virginia not really dead? she looked pretty dead, unless that whole evening was one huge trance Virginia gave the entire family. but Henry's narration so clearly says he intended to kill Virginia and Alice and frame his father, and that he gained powers from killing his mother specifically, so I really kinda don't think it's that. even if Virginia could give him a vision of himself killing her and Alice, I don't think she has the power to also make him believe he planned all that and was pleased with the results. otherwise his recounting should have been more like "I don't know what came over me, but I killed my family and when I realized what I had done I passed out from shock!"

assuming there isn't an extra player lurking around the scene who we don't know about, I'm going to take one stab at it that's absolutely loony.

Victor has to be hearing that song from somewhere other than the radio. and we're hearing it all dreamy and quiet, not like it sounded when it was really on the radio. what if this is perception or time travel shenanigans? what if, somehow, our gang is on the scene - in Victor's mind, or in the Upside Down or some such unseen way - and THEY are playing DALDOM for him, to make sure the timeline unfolds right. because I'm pretty sure I do not hear DALDOM in Henry's version of the scene any time after he changes the channel. that's only something that's going on in Victor's perception.

idk. that's pretty wack and I hope we aren't going full time travel, but I got nothin else right now.

I am suspicious of that scene of Henry turning back the clock though, because we really never saw what results that yielded, if it was supposed to be anything but symbolic. but again Henry has no reason to want to play DALDOM via some time alteration shenanigans when he's the one who didn't want it playing in the first place. maybe if El/Max/Will/Mike/Nancy messes with that particular clock it could affect the timeline..?? I have no idea.

Why aren't all the victims' jaws broken?

@bugsbenefit here comes the part for you

I've seen a couple people question why Alice Creel is the only victim whose jaw isn't broken. she isn't, not when you consider the full list of victims. the majority of the dead lab kids are positioned in such a way that we don't see their faces, but the few whose faces we do see, their mouths are closed like Alice.

jaw breaking is pretty rare: only Virginia, Chrissy, Patrick and Fred.

Virginia is obviously an adult. Chrissy, Patrick and Fred could be 18. Two was the only lab kid who was likely 18 (if he was lab-born immediately after the program started in 1959, he could be up to 19) but the shot of his death is blocked so that his head falls out of view. (if you go frame by frame you can see that his jaw isn't broken, although the shot in question is of a stunt double, so I don't think we're supposed to take real notice).

Max is only 15 and her jaw is spared. it's an age thing.

but this may be less "Henry has a rule about not breaking kids' jaws" and more "the network has a rule about how gruesome you can get with minor actors" although I mean, is the jaw thing really worse than the eyeball thing, idk.

Tristan Spohn (Two), Grace Van Dien (Chrissy) and Logan Riley Bruner (Fred) were 18+ during filming. Myles Truitt (Patrick) is only a couple months older than Sadie Sink and it's possible that he was just barely 18 while filming his scenes while Sadie was still 17 during hers. I think that's probably the more likely explanation tbh.

if anyone can think of an in-universe reason for this, please jump in!

Some misc final thoughts

now it makes sense why Henry makes killing El's friends a distinct step from killing everyone. he means her friends who have powers. he wants to harvest their powers, but El is too strong a protection over them, and he can't get at them until she's out of the way.

--

still totally possible it's just artistic license, but every instance I can think of of lights selectively working in the Upside Down could be explained by the proximity of one of the people I think has powers. then again, the range really seems to vary, and I can't think of any UD scenes we've ever seen where nobody with powers was present.

--

there's sooo much imagery of power-people and opening doors (gates). this isn't even all of them, I just got tired of screenshotting.

--

could Steve have powers too?

he gets an "open the door" of his very own, and the demogorgon appearing in front of him says maybe so. I could go either way on the Russian elevator scene in which they're all talking about opening the elevator door, and both Steve and Dustin press the DOOR OPEN button and nothing happens. I'm not sure about Steve but I am squinting at him suspiciously.

--

jancy, byler, and elmax nations, congrats on shipping literal power couples. technically milkvans too but 🦴

--

I am curious why Mike has never really been singled out for monster attack like his sisters have.

Mike-gets-Vecna'd truthers... if the gang can break his trance at the right moment, that would be a very efficient way to activate not just Mike himself, but Will too, because he already has a residual psychic connection open and the sight of Mike getting Vecna'd would surely trigger such strong terror in him.

me @ mike: honey you got a big storm comin.

this concludes part 2 and now I'm off to let my mind reel with the everybody-has-powers fic possibilities

[cookies-over-yonder]

a thousand words left unsaid

dedicated to @iersei

Taylor and Link explore the undiscovered depths of the Swift household basement. ✧*.♡.*✧ DnDads Halloween Week Day 3: Things Left Abandoned

ao3

The Swift household is pitch black on the inside from the looks of it, and Link isn't quite sure why. He had planned to hang out with Taylor tonight, but wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary.

"Come inside," Taylor says with a mischievous lilt to his voice.

"Um, why are all the lights off?"

"It's spooky ," Taylor hands him a flashlight, and holds his hand, guiding him into the depths of the darkness.

Link chuckles a little. "Okay, but what are we doing?"

"We're exploring, obviously."

"But this is your house."

"True, true, but this is also a haunted mansion, and there are nooks and crannies unfamiliar to even me ," Taylor says, putting on this spooky narration voice that has Link cracking up again.

"Whatever you say, Taylor."

They head down to the basement, and Taylor opens a closet full of boxes.

"These boxes have been unopened since time immemorial…" he says.

"Whatever you say."

"And we are going to discover what's inside!" he shouts, picking up the first box and dropping it on the ground with a loud thump .

Taylor pulls out a switchblade and slices the tape on the top of it, and Link kneels down with him to lift up the flaps of cardboard.

"What do we have here?" Taylor asks, as they open the box to reveal a stack of dusty old novels.

"Books?"

"Ancient texts!" Taylor corrects, lifting one up and dusting it off. The cover reads Twilight . "These will be useful for our future journeys."

"Should we look through the rest of the books?" Link asks, playing into Taylor's adventure. He's so cute when he gets all roleplay-ey.

"No time! We must search through the other boxes," Taylor answers, bringing a couple more down from the closet. They all seem to be stacked haphazardly on top of each other.

Taylor passes Link his switchblade and resolves to use his sharp nails to slice the tape.

"Ah, more ancient texts!"

"Same here."

The two continue looking through the boxes and finding books neither recognize, save for some old editions of manga that Taylor keeps aside rather than putting them back in the boxes, and…

"At last! The final two."

One is bigger, and stacked atop the other. Link grabs it and starts to open it, while Taylor grabs the other one, dusting it off to do the same.

This box has a pair of shoes in it. They're big sneakers that were probably once white but now rock a slightly icky shade of yellow. There's a soccer ball next to it, also slightly yellow, and there's a little heart drawn on it in what appears to be black sharpie.

Nothing else is in the box.

"There's shoes and a soccer ball in mine, what about yours?" Link asks.

And from Taylor, there is nothing but a small gasp.

Link looks over, and he's got his flashlight pointed toward what looks like a picture frame.

Link scoots over and up close beside him to get a better view of what he's looking at, and oh .

It's a picture of Nicky, smiling and holding a baby in his arms, in a white frame with hearts drawn all over it, and at the bottom, in neat printing, it says, My Boys .

Taylor is quiet, except for increasingly shaky breaths.

"Taylor, I…"

What could Link even say?

And then it's too late, because Taylor puts the photo down on the floor and digs through the box with far too much aggression for a silly haunted mansion adventure.

There's a jersey, and some sweatshirts, and a beanie, and Link thinks he hears paper rustling, and Taylor pulls out what appears to be a letter in a tri-fold from the bottom of the box.

He unfolds it with shaky hands, and clears his throat.

Link doesn't think it a good idea, but he's not going to stop him.

And Taylor begins to read.

"Dear Cass, I'm so sorry I had to tell you this way, but I did it to keep you two safe," Taylor sucks in a breath, his voice shakier by the second, "I have to leave, I'm in trouble, and I can't let anything happen to you because they're after me. I've put money in the envelope, and I'll keep sending it for as long as I can."

Taylor stops for a second, and with what little light there is, Link can see tears start to slide down his face.

Just as Link opens his mouth, Taylor continues:

"I know Taylor won't remember me, but please give him a hug and a kiss on my behalf. I love you both, and… and…"

Taylor sucks in a shuddering breath, and breaks down in sobs.

Link is quick to envelop him in a hug, not caring that the paper crumples between them.

"Taylor, hey, hey, hey, it's okay," he soothes, carding his fingers through Taylor's hair.

Trembling violently in Link's grip, Taylor only whines and sobs harder, sucking in breath after breath as if he can't quite fill his lungs.

"It's okay, it's okay."

"It's not! " he shouts into Link's chest, shaking his head vigourously before whining again.

"Okay, maybe it's not, but I'm here okay? I'm here with you, and it's going to be okay."

" Link , I—"

Another sob rips through him, followed by the sound of Taylor nearing hyperventilation.

"Taylor, Taylor, breathe. Breathe with me okay? Deep breaths."

Taylor nods, and follows Link's lead in breathing deeply. It takes a while, and each little squeak and pained noise from Taylor struggling so much breaks Link's heart more and more, but eventually, he calms down, back to little whimpers and sniffles.

"That's better," Link hums, holding him close. "See? You're okay."

"Uh-huh…" Taylor mumbles, tear-laced and wobbly, before pulling away.

"This is my fault," he says, before putting the letter back in the box, on top of the clothes.

"Hey, no it's not."

Taylor whines again, swiping at his tears.

"Why don't we go upstairs and watch a movie?" Link asks, running his hand up and down Taylor's arm.

"Okay…" Taylor mumbles, moving to close the boxes full of books and collect the manga he found.

Link grabs the picture frame and moves to put it on top of the letter, but not before reading the last line Taylor couldn't get through:

I love you both, and maybe in another timeline, things could have been different.

- Nicky

[drifting-pieces-blog-blog]

Breaking down the comics: Going Home.

Moon Knight, Issue #14: Stained Glass Scarlet

OH BOY OH BOY. 

Just…Take a minute to appreciate this art: 

Damn that’s beautiful! 

Okay everyone! 

Here's a bit of rogue history for you! Especially since Scarlet showed up in a recent run! 

Her story is a sad one. 

The story starts in an abandoned church. A story of forgotten worship, run down and empty pews, infested sanctuary, and empty promises of atonement. 

"But high above the corruption, just under the church's vaulted roof in what was once the attic, there is a place of melancholy comfort... If not sanctuary.

It is here that Scarlet-- Stained Glass Scarlet-- has lived for the past three years, quiet as languid smoke, unknown by the crumbling world outside." 

Damn fine narration as always, Moench. 

And damn fine art. 

She carries out a lonely routine. Playing on the silent ruined Organ, gazing at the vast empty space and far away stars, playing pre-recorded chess games, and at last looking through her old photo album. 

"And each piece of the past is like a shard of stained glass... But all of them, even glimpsed together never adding up to a window with a clear view." 

She looks at pictures of her first communion. Her wedding. Her baby. 

The album ends in a newspaper clipping "Joe 'Mad Dog' Fasinera escapes prison. Guard killed in break." 

Cut to a vastly different location. "A fortress of wealth and security...Sanctuary." 

We are at Grant Mansion. 

Here we see Steven and Marlene sharing a moment. 

Marelene remarks that they really are lucky. 

"[...] Referring to you, to the change you've accomplished. Going from a conscienceless mercenary to a man like Moon Knight is no light-"

"Yes... well, if it's the miraculous redemption of my spirit we're talking about-"

They sit together and look at a collected work of "Alphonse Mucha." 

You have to understand something about comics. When they show you a book with a title or author, it has a purpose. 

You are supposed to recognize the name or title and understand that it will have an impact on the story later. 

So... 

Alphonse Mucha. Who is that? 

He's a Czech painter/illustrator/graphic artist from the art Nouveau period. 

He did this: 

Yeah. THAT. You've seen his work. You'll also notice that the second cover image has a similar style.

He also did this stained glass art piece in the : 

He loved his country of Czechoslovakia and did many works celebrating the slavic people and the independence of his country... in 1920s-1930. 

Yeah... You see where this is going if you know your history. 

When Hitler invaded and took over Czechoslovakia, Mucha was captured as a nationalist and severely interrogated for many days. When he was released, he was in poor health. He contracted pneumonia and died a month before the outbreak of WWII. 

Check out his art, it's beautiful. 

You should also keep in mind that The Spectors are also from Czechoslovakia. 

"The clerk in Rizzoli's said he's seen the originals of these--ten feet tall, almost like stained glass windows--hanging in belgium." 

So Steven bought this book. 

Why? Sure, he's about being rich and living the high light. In earlier issues (particularly the one with Mogart) he had shown an interest in art. 

But why this one? 

Marlene goes to the piano and starts to play "In My Life" by the Beatles. 

Wait, when did this comic come out? 

December 1981. 

Ahhhh. The one year anniversary of the death of John Lennon. 

Sometimes comics cover world events and note how they affect others. 

We see them cry and hug. 

"The dream is over. John Lennon is dead. [....] Guns. And guilt." 

We cut to Scarlet, listening to the news on the radio. 

It talks about gunfire in the Bronx attributed to the 'Mad Dog' Fasinera, the escaped convict. 

The radio goes on about Mad Dog going on a murder spree. 

Scarlet sheds some tears. 

Back at the mansion, Steven also hears about the shootings. He runs to get ready as Moon Knight. 

We cut to Mad Dog in a shoot out. He talks about revenge for his father and getting his father's money. He's going ot 'cut the old neighborhood to ribbons'. 

We see Moon Knight on the roof getting into the chopper. 

"Don't worry about it, Lady- Grant'll be back." 

"Who will be back, Steven?" 

"Okay, Already. I'LL be back." 

Again, we see the push by Marlene to have them all be Steven and the push back and frustration. 

Marlene still at this point thinks they are pretending to be someone else and she wants them all to just be Steven. 

Scarlet also cloaks up in her signature red outfit and heads out into the night. 

Moon Knight fights the Mad Dog and his gang shooting up a store. He busts in and breaks it up, taking down a few while the others get away. 

He follows them to an abandoned grocery store and sees Scarlet standing outside. 

She goes inside and finds the rest of Mad Dog's gang, but no Mad Dog. She demands to know where Joe 'Mad Dog' is. 

She tells them that when they see Joe to tell him 'What he's looking for is in the church." She then leaves. 

Moon Knight follows her back to the church and confronts her. 

She tells him her story. 

Joe is her son!

"I was young, Moon Knight, in love with the idea of being in love..." 

She talks about how Joe was the result and consequence of her love. Now, she means to 'salvage' the consequences and save Joe. 

When she was much younger, she wanted to be an actress or a nun. She chose the role of being a nun. 

Once she was a nun, she realized that she was only acting and regretted her choice. 

She realized this when she met a man named "Vince". Vine had just stolen a lot of money and run to the church out of guilt. 

She helped him and 6 months later she married him and left the church. 

"Instead, I devoted myself to my husband, hoping I could help him change, hoping I could use my own failure to redeem him... The baby came and I named him Joseph... But Vince never came to the hospital once. I had to take a cab home." 

After 15 years, she realized that this too was just a 'role'. Vince robbed a bank and killed the guard. He stashed the money and got in a shoot out with the police, who killed him in front of the church. 

When Joe heard his father was killed, he 'declared war on law and order." 

By 19 he had killed someone and left home. He went to jail for life. 

When her son went to jail, she moved to the church. "Jut to play another role, the fallen woman turned mad hemit." 

Moon Knight asks her why the church. 

"Just before the police caught up to him, Vince told a friend that he was going to hide the bank money in a special place where he 'pulled an angel straight down from heaven'." 

She moved to the church knowing that her son would eventually come looking for the money. 

Joe makes a draatic entrance and demands to know where the money is. 

She begs him to stop. To give up and turn himself in. 

Moon Knight gets shot in a scuffel and Scarlet shoots Joe. 

Joe staggers and accidentally grabs the church bell rope. As he falls, all the hidden money falls down with him. 

Scarlet stands over her dead son. 

"Thomas Wolfe's Maudlin line is true, Moon Knight... You never can go home again. Once you've turned your back on it... It's gone. Forever." 

(A very hard and true statement. I wonder if it hit home for Marc too. A man that ran from home and turned his back on everything. Had he ever tried to go home? Or was he still running?) 

Scarlet disappears into the night. Moon Knight stands over the discarded gun. “Guns…” Lamenting on how easily they take and destroy. Much like the death of John Lennon. An idea that is killed. 

Moon Knight returns back to the mansion, wounded but alive. 

"Some succeed in their chosen mission. Others fail, no matter how hard they try." 

That is the end of the issue, but not the last time we will see Stained Glass Scarlet. 

I’ll cover each of her appearances, but this is a Moon Knight Villain that I always did enjoy. 

So what about the artist? Alphonse Mucha is best known for his Art Nouveau period, but it wasn’t what he wanted to be known for. 

For him, he loved his home. He loved his little country that had fought and struggled to become whole. One of his final pieces was about his own people. “History of the Slav”. It depicted his people’s struggles to survive and build their country. 

It was put in a museum for a bit then rolled up and put into storage. 

Now and then it is pulled out and shown in Prague, but not for long or often. His country was then invaded and torn apart over and over again. He died as it was on the brink. 

Again, we have to remember that the Spectors are from Czech. While Mucha was devoutly Catholic and did a lot of work that went to the churches, he wasn’t openly recognized for a lot of it. He was most famous for the work he did in Paris. 

Scarlet tried to find herself and found herself in role after role, pretending to be happy and not finding herself. Her legacy becomes her failure to save her husband and then her son, born from her misguided attempt to find her purpose. She then kills that legacy. 

It’s odd in this comic how Moon Knight really doesn’t have much of a role in it. We focus on Mucha, John Lennon, and Scarlet. 

The bits we do see of Moon Knight are him looking into an artist from Czech who left a legacy he didn’t want. Him lamenting over the senseless killing of a man that meant so much to a lot of people. And him hearing the story of a woman trapped in finding her meaning and her past. 

It’s one of those issues that leaves you feeling like you are taking a peak behind a curtain but can’t quite see the full picture. It also leaves you wondering. 

And later, much later, in recent issues, when we see the remains of Scarlet, there is a sadness there. A bit of the past that Moon Knight could never let go of. And we’ll see more of that later when she shows up again. 

[anakinh]

all of my other posts on rebirth have some complaints or just pure complaint, which does not reflect my feelings on the game, so i'm going to now post a thing i like with each complaint. my current complaint is 'none of the words "queen's blood tournament on the shinra-8" is in the original game.' (and that includes shinra-8, shut up). here is a list of compliments about the game:

Starting as Zack generated SO MUCH hype. i was screaming

the music around the midgar wastelands is 'hollow'! I love it so much

playing as sephiroth was so fun. he's amazingly designed and his VA acted the hell out of nibelheim. very well done

i like the additional tension between cloud and tifa, with both of them suspecting the other of being an imposter

baby chocobo cute

the combat is very fun. yeeting tifa is great

it's so pretty! i have so many photos! of so many things!

FROG QUEST BEST QUEST

weed canon in ff7-verse

despite my imminent complaint, queen's blood is pretty good

in fact, most of the mini-games weren't terrible

also, the queen's blood weird subplot is very intriguing, as is the sucked into queen's blood subplot (until the timing made me want to kms). i do like it when i get to yell 'WHAT THE FUCK' at the screen. sometimes you have to remember that ff7 is a very silly game.

okay, now that i've paid my dues I just wanna say that there are so many minigames all at once. Literally most of chapter 4 were mini-games and then we jump into chapter 5 and it's another mini-game tourney?? jenova is RIGHT THERE in the boat. please just let me jenova boss fight. I'm forgetting what the plot is. (and this is also a general problem with open world games. even in BG3 I was spending time shopping in the Lower City instead of helping my friend who got kidnapped by murder cultists. sigh)

anyway they turned this game into 100 hours by filling it with padding. again. (imagine cloud narrating 'and then I got the vacuum to clean the air of mako so i could use the elevator... and then the cord WAS STUCK.' he remembers that but not killing sephiroth?)

also I don't like the way they're treating Shinra right now, especially Rufus. If I trusted Square Enix I wouldn't be blinking at it, since there are so many times where people talked about how horrible Shinra was... but I definitely don't trust Square Enix, and especially not how they write Rufus. Shouldn't he be talking about ruling with fear now? stop trying to sanitize the evil capitalist. I hope Barret is right when he said joining was a bad idea. I shouldn't have to hope. It should be obvious. It would be if I trusted Square Enix.

lastly, seriously, wtf is up with glenn T_T why is he here. why do i dislike a person from a mobile game showing up here when people from prequels showing up is fine? i mean definitely part of that is because crisis core is not a gatcha game.

... and that was like 4 complaints. it's just easier to say things when you're complaining instead of praising. I gotta work on that.

[inapat17]

Animation shows: The art of drawing society (4/4)

Grandpa Walrus

Cartoons are a colorful medium that creators like to use to depict their vision of our modern world. Therefore this series of articles will be dedicated to animated TV, internet shows and movies of this last year which humorously describes our contemporary society. Today a short film that explores different ways of grieving. Children find death to be a brutal and incomprehensible experience. “Grandpa Walrus” explores the imagination of children who struggle to cope with a tragic event: the death of their grandfather.

Grandpa Walrus or Pépé le morse is an animated short film directed by Lucrèce Andreae which was awarded best animated short at the 2018 César awards. The movie starts with a panorama of the cold and grey beach. Twelve-years-old Lucas, our narrator, explains the expression “grandpa walrus”: “One of my friends told me that in Russia, there are some kind of huge guys who spend their lives tanning, even when it’s cold. They are called walruses! I think that Grandpa was a walrus. And now he is dead”. Olivia who is the mother, Granny, the twins Jade and Mélissa, and Lucas who is carrying his baby brother Marcus are out in the middle of October on a cold and windy beach to pay a last tribute to their grandpa. The atmosphere is not at all ceremonious. The twins are talking about boys, the grandmother falls on the ground in devotion every two steps and Olivia is just trying to get through this nonsense. Finally arriving on the beach the family is faced with the horrifying vision of tons of cigarette butts spread on the sand forming the silhouette of the grandfather’s body. Then each of the characters split upon the immense beach mourning their grandfather in different ways. The young character’s imaginations come to life. Lucas is facing a frightful vision of a humanoid walrus smoking a cigarette. The twins live a near death experience when they get attacked by plants and little Marius is running away in the oceans.

It’s a deeply poetic animated film which explores dark themes such as death and mourning through visions that are both beautiful and nightmarish. Nevertheless, the characters remain very realistic. They shout, insult each other and argue. Although they are experiencing the same tragic event, they don’t understand each other. While Lucas and the grandma seem to have the same admiration for the patriarch, Olivia remains  resentful toward a man who for her was selfish and who died a pathetic death just like he lived a pathetic life.

On this large beach, the characters are reduced to their littleness. Lucrèce Andreae's film is a story that is both personal and universal. For the film, she drew inspiration from her personal life. In an interview, she said that the idea for her film came from a friend that lives in Saint Petersburg. She told her the story of the “walruses”: men who spent their lives sunbathing whether it’s winter or summer. For the beach, she was inspired by the Atlantic coast where she spent time with her parents. Finally, the small eclectic group was more or less a depiction of her family.

Death is a universal subject. Lucrèce Andreae also used international references to make this poetic animated short film. She chose to set the movie on a beach in reference to Shoji Ueda’s photos. The beach setting is something universal. For Lucrèce Andreae Shoji’s photos are both poetic and absurd.  These two adjectives can also be used to qualify her film. The vulgar and grotesque characters of Italian cinema were a source of inspiration for the characters of this animated short film. Moreover, the fantastic visions in a realistic setting are a clear reference to Hayao Myasaki's Japanese animated movies.

© Shoji Ueda

Spirited away, Hayao Myazaki, 2001

In the film statement of intent, the director writes her motivation for making this film. These words can also serve as a conclusion to this series of articles: “As Charlie Chaplin once said: “ Life is a tragedy in close up, but it is a comedy in wide shot ” and I am convinced that you just need a little distance from things so you can laugh at anything”. 

In this series of articles I wanted to show that cartoons are mediums through which we can talk about anything. If I haven't convinced the readers, I hope at least you've been able to discover some great animated movies or TV shows.

[dustedmagazine]

The National — First Two Pages of Frankenstein (4AD)

Photo by Josh Goleman

For all of the (kind of understandable) jokes both lovers and haters of The National make about the band’s relentless sadsack whiteguy dadness, you don’t have to scratch the surface much to unearth a pretty profound and consistent engagement with harrowing anxiety. Caught in mid-spiral on “Mr. November,” staring into the mirror on “Baby, We’ll Be Fine,” the constant self-recriminations of Boxer… even actual fatherhood merely gave Matt Berninger material for the fun new dread of “Afraid of Everyone” and “I’ll Still Destroy You.” One thing that gives all the bad vibes an unusual power is, as Berninger freely shares in interviews, its origin as a kind of negative visualization; a way of perversely preserving and strengthening those relationships at risk. That doesn’t magically evaporate the fear and guilt, but it maybe speaks to why so many find those struggles comforting and reassuring rather than just a bummer. The sometimes withdrawn (but trying not to be) First Two Pages of Frankenstein emerges after a period of depression and writer’s block left the band’s existence in actual doubt. As you might expect, it doesn’t find Berninger and co-lyricist/spouse Carin Besser any more settled than before, even as the band spins ever more impressively filagreed scaffolding to support their sentiments.

Arguably every National record since Boxer has had at least some fans complaining that they don’t really rock out any more, especially on record as opposed to live, and it’s no more true here than on (say) Trouble Will Find Me. Some of the songs still play that old National trick of steadily thrumming along in a way that reads a bit lukewarm at first but then by fourth listen reveals a hidden, sometimes reckless propulsion (as always rhythm section Scott and Bryan Devendorf are the secret weapons here). The implacable thwack of “Tropic Morning News” (“I was suffering more than I let on,” sung in such a way that it feels clear our narrator was letting on more than he realized, might as well be a thesis statement), Berninger yelping “if I miss it, I’ll visit!” in increasingly frenzied tones while thrusting used-to-be-shared possessions into an imagined ex’s arms on “Eucalyptus,” “Grease in Your Hair” starting to tumble down a hill as the band ratchets up and up and up; as always, the energy levels on a National record are more varied than their rep suggests. 

But it is true that much of First Two Pages of Frankenstein exists in a quieter atmosphere, including what feels like some of the more Significant songs. That includes all the ones with the big name guests, although except for the endlessly sighing Taylor Swift duet “The Alcott” (which hits the shared part of her and Berninger’s emotional registers in a way that makes sense, although it won’t convince any haters), they don’t necessarily feel like the kinds of contribution that need to be called out on the back of the record. That’s not a shot at the other guests, who acquit themselves ably while being content to add colour and tone rather than take the spotlight. Longtime confrere Sufjan Stevens lends even more diaphanousness to the lovely foreboding of the opening “Once Upon a Poolside,” and the way Phoebe Bridgers sings with Berninger on the two most direct grapples with mental health on the record (“This Isn’t Helping” and “Your Mind Is Not Your Friend”) seems like the most natural fit in the world. 

And then there’s “New Order T-Shirt,” a song that exists at such an intense crossroads of joy and despair that it occupies rarefied air with few others (“Being Boring”?). It’s about memory and the way eventually people aren’t in your life anymore. It’s possible to hear it as a glowing and burnished tribute to the loved ones whose every scrap you hold close to you for proof against time passing. Or, equally, as a bottomlessly sad account of trying to shore up and hold together whatever you still have from someone who’s left (you or the world). And of course it’s both at once, especially once you’ve lived enough life that people in both categories start to pile up on you. The refrain starts with “I keep what I can of you,” and it feels like the song and the performance are both tearing up a bit at the prospect. 

The other set of brothers in the National, guitarists Aaron and Bryce Dessner (the latter also responsible for the orchestration throughout) weave a flickering web of guitars around “New Order T-Shirt” that almost cradle it. Fittingly enough for a band that’s usually at least their own co-producers, on a moment-to-moment sonic level these songs just sound gorgeous. If the balance of the increasingly refined craftsmanship and even rawer than usual lyrics were misjudged it could feel airless, like a room where everything’s been padded to the point of numb safety. Instead it functions more like, well, boxer’s gloves; it lets you (and the band) take the body blows and keep going. After dancing through all these keys of fear, loss, and distress, the record ends with “Send for Me,” a simple and moving pledge to come pick you up, whatever happens. The slow bloom of warmth feels hard won, but not even remotely fragile. 

Ian Mathers

[kaiso-woo]

Heartbeat

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　

-> Masterlist

PART 6 of my ‘Stay Series’ - a long hypothesised journey of a relationship between Bang Chan and Reader - for this fic, I highly recommend reading at least PART 1 (Just Stay.) and 5 (The Date of All Dates), as there's flashbacks included and references made to these parts.

WC: 10.3k (long fic no. 2) | Synopsis: You break up with Chris :| Does he chase after you? Yes. Yes of course he does because it would be boring if he doesn't. There's also a fight, naturally.

Notes: ANGST, Second Person Narration, Skz Fluent in English, Swearing, Idol!Chan, CaféOwner!Reader, Fem!Reader, Angry!Chan, Heartbroken!Chan, EmotionalWreck!Chan HAH, Blood, Suic!de (Strong Descriptions), Swearing, Pet Names (Jagiya, Jagi, Baby, Babe, Love etc.)

Here for a reading marathon? Head right back to the start!

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　

Overall ‘Stay Series’ Synopsis: Bang Chan experiences the suic!des of Stays, so when you lot choose to die, he dies right along with you. Reader is the “antidote” to this condition - MAJOR PART OF THIS FIC

PART 6

!!Casual reminder this is entirely fictitious - Chris/Christopher in my work does not represent the actual Bang Chan - this is purely my imagination and nothing more - this goes for all other SKZ-Members too!!

Listen to this after if you want, it was the inspiration for half the fic hehe - I'll embed it at the bottom as well.

--

Notice Regarding Bang Chan’s Personal Life

Hello, this is JYPE.

Recently, there has been a great deal of speculation and discussion surrounding Bang Chan's long-distance relationship. We understand that our fans are concerned about his well-being and how this relationship may affect his commitments as an idol. We want to assure you that our highest priority is the well-being and professional responsibilities of our artists, including Bang Chan.

Due to the outlash of feedback received from the recently leaked photos of him with his significant other, he has been restricted from visiting his partner for the time being. We understand that this situation may raise questions and concerns among fans, and we appreciate your continued support and understanding.

We want to make it clear that Bang Chan's personal life, including his relationship, is his private matter. However, we believe in being transparent with our fans to address any concerns. We want to emphasise that this romantic relationship will not affect Bang Chan's performance, schedule, or duties as an idol. He remains fully committed to his career, his passion for music and his responsibilities as a member of Stray Kids remain unwavering.

JYP Entertainment will continue to provide Bang Chan with the necessary support and guidance to ensure that he can balance his personal life and professional obligations. We believe in nurturing a healthy work-life balance for our artists to ensure their well-being and success in their careers.

We kindly ask for your understanding and support during this time. Please continue to support Bang Chan and Stray Kids as they work hard to bring you great music and performances.

Thank you.

--

That was approximately four months ago. Chris had informed you of the situation as soon as he found out, and when you read the official notice, you couldn’t help but scowl at how supportive they were making themselves seem. What they were really hoping was that the separation would cause a shift in your relationship, and you’d break up. Not that it mattered, because that is exactly what was going to happen, what you had been planning from the beginning.

--

Chris flops into his studio chair, raking a hand through his hair in his exhaustion. It’s taking a toll on his health if he’s being honest. It’s paining him that he can’t call you as frequently as he’d like, can’t see you whenever he pleased, can’t hug you like you’re his teddy bear. He wondered how you were doing constantly; in the middle of dance rehearsals, working in his studio, posing for the camera, grinning in interviews. 

He sighs and tugs his phone out of his pocket, opening up his camera roll and scrolling through his photos with you. His camera roll is half Stray Kids, half you. Eating ice cream, in the car, sitting on park benches together, at the beach, snuggled together in your apartment. His mind immediately relaxes as he scrolls through them all, reliving each memory he has with you. The heat from him officially announcing your relationship still hasn’t died down, and there are trucks with LED signs still rolling up frequently to the front of JYP. (A/N: Inspired by the uproar from losing Chan's Room irl obviously, in this world however, it still exists)

He checks the time on his wristwatch, and mentally calculates whether you’d be sleeping or not. He’s supposed to do Chan’s Room, but he wants to see you too. After a moment of contemplation, he seeks out your contact and hits the face time button. You answer after a second, immediately propping your phone up on the kitchen counter so you can move around.

“Hey, you okay?” you smile at him through the camera, and Chris grins back, admiring your adorably unkempt state: messy hair, PJs, bare face. He props you up on his computer monitor and leans back into his chair. “Yeah ha. I just wanted to see you,” he shrugs, and you shake your head at him in amusement, “I thought you’d be asleep.”

You sigh and drag your chopping board into the camera, waving your knife around dramatically, “I’m kind of hungry.” “Are you seriously cooking a whole ass meal at… 3am?” Chris laughs, dragging his chair closer to watch as you chop up vegetables and toss them into a pot.

“I was craving soup, and then I remembered I could satisfy my own cravings if I actually tried. Here, want a carrot?” you ask, picking up a slice and shoving it towards the camera. Chris giggles and opens his mouth. You blink in surprise when he grabs a carrot stick from off camera and munches on it, “Thanks for the carrot.”

“Who knew we were that in sync,” you laugh, shoving your carrot into your mouth and chewing happily. “Stay with me?” he asks, finishing off his carrot as you go back to your cooking, “I’m going to do Chan’s Room now, but can you stay on call?” “Sure.”

--

You had been stalling your decision for months now. It’s been half a year, and Chris still hasn’t been able to return to your side. To top this off, your trash can is ridiculously full of letters you haven’t even opened. In the beginning you would hesitantly tear open the mail, but the amount of hate and death threats you were receiving never seemed to stop, so Chris eventually ordered you to just stop reading them.

You figured some people had recognised you thanks to the Skz-Code episode. Although you weren't part of the episode itself, people picked up on you as the owner of the Café when they visited. This knowledge was slightly scary, but... you'd manage.

Sometimes, when your mood wasn’t the best, you would pluck a letter out at random. The words within it only confirmed your reason for ever thinking of breaking up with him. Your socials and emails were swamped with them too.

Chris couldn’t go live without people asking him about you, both in a positive or negative way. Stray Kids’ couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without someone asking about how the relationship was panning it out, and you were tired of hearing Chris calmly explain exactly what the official notice from JYP had stated. You could tell he was sick of it too. As time wore on, you noticed more and more in Chris’ demeanour, in Skz-Talker, award shows, back-stage footage, he had grown reserved, silent.

He was captured spending time on his phone often, in an irritable mood more frequently, and the Stray Kids members often gave you updates on his moods, behind his back. He really only seemed happy when he was talking with you, or messaging you. And that… as an idol? No that’s not allowed. You frown at the image Jisung had just sent you: a picture of Chris sitting on a bench up against the wall of the dance room, staring off into space, his posture deflated.

(A/N: When the dialogue is in script format, it's meant to represent text messages)

Jisung: “He feels different”

You: “I’ve noticed”

Jisung: “he really misses you”

You: “I know Jisung” You: “I miss him too”

Jisung: “JYP is mean”

You: “Chris just needs to snap out of it” You: “He’s an idol first and foremost”

Jisung: “I think he just wants to be yours” Jisung: “First and foremost”

You: “Yeah but he can’t just give up on his life like this” You: “not for me, not for anyone” You: “he worked too hard for this” You: “suffered too much”

Jisung: “this is the worst he’s ever suffered”

You: “no it’s not”

Jisung; “I think it is”

You: “Jisung, tell him I said he needs to remember who he is”

Jisung: “he said he knows who he is”

You: “who is he?”

Jisung: “I’m not going to tell you what he said”

You: “why?”

Jisung: “You’ll just get mad”

You: “…”

Jisung: “I think he’d give up everything for you” Jisung: “JYP spoke with him again today” Jisung: “I think that’s why his mood has worsened”

You: “… Me or Skz???” You: “Ji?”

--

You sigh and rub your temples, trying to ease the migraine that’s forming. Jisung’s left you on read, and you know exactly what that means. This is it. The tears that you’ve been holding back ever since you first considered it start to fall. The tears that you’ve buried deep down into your soul flood out. They’ve been hiding there, threatening to return, ever since he bought you those skittles. 

Your sobs rack through you, chest heaving, as your bottled-up emotions explode out of you in waves. You’re laughing through your tears now; sobbing, quietly screaming, laughing, all at once. You didn’t cry as you packed up your suitcase, didn’t cry as Ashley hugged you tightly, before she signed the official transfer papers. You never cried while you were on call with Chris, or as you read his sweet messages in the morning. Never cried at how miserable he looked on screen, never cried as you packed up your decorations and belongings. Never cried as you bid your official farewell to your regulars, and hosted Ashley’s take over celebration.

And now you were crying, and oh how it hurt. 

Ashley peeks her head around the bedroom door. She had recently moved into your apartment, preparing for your departure. Ashley was the owner of Café Studio now. She would live in your apartment, and she would take care of the business. You reached for her desperately, needing someone, anyone to support you. She walks over and pulls you into a tight embrace. You curl up against her, burying yourself into her neck, sobbing wholeheartedly.

“Are you sure… this is the right thing to do…?” she quietly asks, patting your back. You bitterly laugh and wipe away your tears, trying to still your erratic breathing. She’d asked you the same question countlessly over the past few months, but you were stubborn in your decision.

Chris’ declining attitude and personality change was only confirmation that you needed to get out of his life, so that he could return to being the wonderful idol that he was before he met you. You’d go home, back to Australia (A/N: Australia because the irony for Chris) and take a few months to reset with your family. You’d already applied for a course at university, finally pursuing the path your parents had initially wanted you to take. You had really wanted to try the Café first though, wanted to make your dream a reality. Things would work out okay. You sniffle and pull away from Ashley, who’s expression is filled with nothing but pity. It was time for you to disappear. 

Most of your belongings had already been shipped back home, and your parents had been keeping up to date with your relationship via the internet. You had eventually informed them of your relationship with Chris, worried that they would first find out via the spam of the internet. Tears almost spill again when you realise you’ve never really spoken to Chris about your family, never had the opportunity to introduce him to them. All you’ve ever told him is that you have two younger brothers. 

You disappear into the office, leaving Ashley sitting by herself on the couch, and open up your laptop, immediately booking the first flight you see over to Perth. It leaves in… 2 hours. 

--

Are you ready, reader? Yeah sorry, Kaiwoo here to ruin your lovely reading experience to speed up things. I love writing don’t get me wrong, but I can be a lazy ass sometimes, so I’m going to give the following events to you straight.

You try to call him, a couple of days after you’ve returned home, having finally worked up the courage to explain what you’ve done. You’re a coward, really, fleeing the country before even talking to him about it. 

In all honesty, he’s probably already picked up on your absence. You haven’t actively messaged him or called him yourself over the past couple of days, only responding to his messages and answering his calls for brief conversations. He probably knows what’s up.

I lied. He doesn’t. He’s been as busy as ever, and he’s been pushing himself harder lately, trying to distract himself from you. JYP did speak to him, but it wasn’t anything to do with an ultimatum. JYP had spoken to him about his declining performance, told him to get his shit together – and he fell into an existential crisis for a little while.

Jisung left you on read because he assumed Chris was given an ultimatum. So all in all, this just comes down to communication errors. Communicating long distance is always hard though. He hasn’t noticed that your efforts into communicating with him have lessened. Which is exactly why, what you’ve done to him… will end him. 

“You can end me whenever you want love. Just as long as it’s you doing it.” You pinch him lightly with an amused laugh, “You’re such a cheesy ass.” “Only for you~” he laughs, the vibrations from his throat rippling through you.

“I… could beat the shit out of you…” you murmur, and Chris allows himself a smile. He bends down and kisses you softly, his heart aching with all the words he wishes he could say, all the love he wishes he could give. “You absolutely could… and the insane thing is… I would let you…” he softly whispers, then leaves your side to turn off the lights around the apartment.

Hm. That panned out well, don’t you think?

--

Chris bows in thanks to the other dancers in the room, wiping the sweat off his forehead and throwing his jacket over his shoulder. “Thank you guys, great work today everyone,” he smiles, patting those closest on the back with confidence. The rest of Stray Kids are finishing up their thanks as well, and are gathering their belongings, having finally finished another exhausting dance practice session. The room empties of other dancers, leaving just Chris and his Kids’ alone.

Minho and Jisung are talking quietly with one another, Hyunjin still trying to perfect a difficult dance move. Changbin gulping down a whole bottle of water, Felix sprawled out in a star on the floor. Seungmin and Jeongin are sitting crossed legged by the wall, staring at everyone in a tired and dazed state, fluffy hair sticking out everywhere.

“Anyone hungry for chicken?” Changbin asks, addressing the group as a whole. There a few murmurs of assent, and Minho states that he’ll order some. They begin to chatter about what to order, drinks included.

Chris is staring at his phone, smiling at the notifications from you, unaware of the conversation around him. There’s two missed calls and one voice message. You’ve never left him a voice message before. Excited to hear what was so urgent that you had to leave a voice message, he turns his volume up so he can hear you over the noise of the Kids’ and activates his message bank.

[You have one new message]

He places his phone on top of the mini fridge and grabs a bottle of water, taking a generous gulp as he waits for the audio to play.

[Let’s…] 

He slowly lowers the bottle at the tone of your voice, the hesitancy.

[break up.]

His body stiffens and his eyes widen, his heart skipping a beat.

[I’ve been thinking about it for a while.]

Chris blinks and his mouth parts in surprise, his breathing starting to intensify.

[Let’s break up.]

By now, the Kids’ have fallen silent, all of them watching Chris. All of them grasping the situation. All of their hearts cracking at the sight of their frozen leader. Chris is blinking rapidly, tears welling in the corner of his eyes. This can’t be happening.

[It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong.] [It’s not that our love lacks anything either.]

“No-” Chris murmurs, his hand shaking around the bottle he’s still holding.

[It’s just that… in some cases… love can only continue to a certain point.]

Chris’ other hand drifts to cover his mouth, shaking, a fragile gasp escaping his lips. The members drift over to him, surrounding him in a comforting hug.

He needs it. He makes no move to hug them back, makes no move as Seungmin eases the water out of his grasp. His hands lock at his sides as they lean into him. They can tell he’s fighting so hard to keep his tears at bay.

[So please don’t try to look for me…] [So that I can leave with good memories of you.]

Chris’ vision is blurry. His face is crumpled in an expression that almost makes him look mad. He really is, fighting with himself.

[Please don’t try to look for me.]

He’s trembling. His entire world is collapsing. Piece by piece. Memory by memory. All of it floods through his mind. 

[I.. too… cherish you very much.]

He stumbles forwards, his breathing erratic, and the members watch as he snatches his phone from the fridge, the voice message still playing, and grabs the door handle to leave.

[So that’s why, I’m going to stop it here.]

Chris chokes back a pathetic sob and swings open the door, sprinting off, his jacket flying off his shoulders and landing on the floor.

It’s pouring rain outside. At least no one can see his tears.

It leaves me feeling seasick, baby

Chris bursts out of the JYP building, ignoring the yells of managers, trainees and staff alike. Immediately, he’s drenched from head to toe, but he couldn’t care less. The water seeps straight through to his bones, and he looks around desperately, like he’s searching for you – but obviously you’re not here. He unlocks his phone and calls you, the rain spattering the screen with droplets.

“Pick up,” his mind delirious, his teeth clenched, drawing in heavy breaths, “pick up pick up pickuppickuppickup- answer your fucking phone!” he dials you again and takes off at a sprint, running along the footpath, the rain pelting him. He can barely see where he’s going, his hair slick on his forehead.

Seems like I'm locked deep in the dreamlike reality

He’s called you about five times, panting in the rain before the thought crosses his mind. Chris swivels himself back around and sprints back to the JYP building, swerving past people in umbrella’s. He couldn’t care less about the water that he’s dripping everywhere on the floor, couldn’t care less about the surprised yells of employees as he pushes past them. He bounds up the steps, skipping as many as possible, the burn in his legs already growing, and bursts into JYP’s Office without even knocking.

“What did you say to her?” he asks, frantic, eyes flickering with pain. “Say to who?” JYP frowns, the conversation he was having with a trainee coming to an abrupt stop. “Y/N. What did you say to her?” Chris repeats, growing impatient. “I have not… said anything…” JYP deadpans, offering a sympathetic shrug.

It spins me 'round and drives me crazy

Chris is back out in the rain. He didn’t waste a second after those words left JYP’s mouth, turning tail and dashing back out of the building again. He was meant to head back to the dorms, but he’s been running around in circles, trying to process, trying to think. He stops in the middle of a nearby park, hyperventilating, letting the tears fall from his eyes straight to the ground, his hands braced on his knees.

“Why…? Why why why? You can’t do this to me,” he sobs, swiping the water from his phone screen again to dial your number for the nth time.

It seems that I'm like the moon in the midday

“Good morning sunshine…” he happily chirps, the familiar endearment causing you to smile happily. This time though, you have an idea. “Good morning moonlight,” your smile intensifies as Chris pauses, stunned, and you wriggle your way into a seated position, forcing him to do the same.

“Moonlight?” he questions, his voice cracking slightly in the early morning. “Yeah. Moonlight. ‘Cause even in the darkness you still shine.” Chris blinks at you, then after a second, grabs your arm to pull you into his lap, “Okay sure,” he pecks the top of your head, a favourite action of his, “but you got one thing wrong. If you’re my sunshine and I’m your moonlight… then I shine because you do.”

If I was only by myself

“Don’t leave me. You can’t leave me. You can’t-” Chris sinks down onto his knees, burying his face into his hands. The rain is beginning to die down, but that doesn’t matter to him. A whine escapes him, against his will, and it turns into a drawn-out moan as he collapses in on himself, a lone man in the middle of an even lonelier park.

If I didn't know you

“I need you. I need- why would you-” he looks at his phone again, then in his frustration, throws it into the nearby bush. He’s pacing around on the footpath in a panic, raking his hands over and over through his hair, tugging at it, his eyes puffy with tears, bottom lip trembling. He curses and scrambles around in the bush, plucking his phone out and shoving it into his pocket.

Maybe I'd have given up

Chris takes off into another sprint, his body needing to do something, trying to feel some other kind of pain that isn’t in his heart. Eventually, he stumbles into the wall of a building, desperately needing it for support, gasping for air. “Why would you-” his voice cracks into a dry scream, hammering his fist on the wall once, his forehead resting against the cold brick.

Lost at sea

That was him. The idiot leaning too far over the railing was the one whispering nonsense in your brain. How you came to this conclusion was to anyone’s guess, but it was him. In the seconds it had taken you to sprint over to him, he had clambered on top of the railing, balancing precariously, his hands in his hoodie pockets, gazing into the depths of the water.

But my heart's still on fire With a burning desire Gonna get you back like it's destined

He flinches at the sound of a car horn rapidly honking, and he pushes himself off the wall to locate it. “Yah! Hyung! Get in!” Minho yells, waving at him from the driver’s seat of one of the company cars. Chris shakes his head slowly, leaning back onto the wall, not in the mood to be sitting in a car with anyone. Needing instead to punish himself, make his body sore, let his throat go raw with his screams and his sobs.

“Okay, I guess you don’t want a lift to the airport then!” he yells again, winding up the window with a raise of his eyebrows. Chris lets out an exasperated laugh, annoyed with himself, his mind clearing. 

“Okay okay okay. I won’t pay. You can let me go,” you fuss, scrabbling at his hands, but he sighs and hugs you tighter. “Never. Will never let you go,” he mumbles, kissing the back of your head affectionately.

I wish that you would love me

The car is practically silent as Minho drives, silent except for Chris’ sniffles. He’s staring off into space, and Minho’s worry for his elder only intensifies the longer they drive for, his eyes frequently flickering from his leader back to the road. A ringtone reverberates through the car, and Minho answers by pressing a button on the steering wheel. “Yeah?” “’Lix booked a flight ticket, tell Chan hyung it’s Gate 21, Flight FR3421, and leaves in an hour.” Changbin responds, the sound of his hurried footsteps echoing through the phone as he walks.

“He’s here, I have him. He can hear you,” Minho calmly states, and Changbin makes a noise of acknowledgement before continuing on, “Jisung’s explaining things to JYP, I’m headed there now.” The sound of a door opening is heard, and then even louder, the voices of JYP and Jisung arguing.

Like yesterday, don't let go of this hand ever again

Chris’ hand sneakily slips into yours, and he places it neatly on his thigh, carefully stroking your knuckles. This shakes you out of your reverie, and you glance at your linked hands, a small smile gracing your features.

And every time my heart beats Match your steps so you don't wander around ever again

He’s going to find you. He doesn’t give a shit about how mad JYP will be. Doesn’t give two fucks about his schedule. He will find you. And he’ll never, never let you go.

--

I’m interrupting again, I do apologise. I unfortunately have run out of the mental capacity to continue writing like this. My heart, my mind, my soul can’t handle it. Chris gets on the plane, and he tries to sleep. He suffers really bad nightmares, and suddenly that strange occurrence is back. People are dying again. In his dreams though. Stays are dying again. He wakes up with a start and coughs up blood, it drips out of his hand and onto his clothes, and he’s shaking, trembling, wracked with fear and hurt and pain.

He needs you.

--

Chris thanks the taxi driver, pressing his phone to the EFTPOS through the car window and hoists his bag higher on his shoulder. Hyunjin had stuffed his bag with basic necessities and passed it on to Minho to take with him as he went on the hunt for Chris. The shutters are pulled down on your café. You must have just recently closed, it’s only 11.17pm.

After a brief hesitation, he hammers on the café door. When there’s no response, he takes a step back, searches for a pebble on the ground, aims, and throws it up at your apartment window. It takes him a couple of tries, but Ashley’s head suddenly peeks out. Her eyes widen as she recognises Chris, and she immediately disappears.

Chris’ confusion only mounts when Ashley pulls up the shutter and opens the door, the keys jangling in the lock. “Where is-” he begins, but Ashley swiftly interrupts him, “She’s not here.”

The young girl suggests that Chris comes inside, asking him twice because Chris’ mind has stopped working again.  “What do you mean she’s not- she has to be,” he pleads and Ashley sighs, holding the door wider for him. Chris’ legs feel heavy as he walks into the café and follows Ashley upstairs to your apartment.

“I… I own this place now… I live here,” Ashley begins, cautiously analysing Chris’ expression. His breath is immediately wiped out of his lungs at the obvious lack of your presence. Your decorations are gone, your photo frames vanished, every essence of you eradicated from the apartment.

“Where… where is she…?” Chris murmurs, his bag slipping from his shoulders and down onto the floor. Ashley hums sadly, bouncing on the balls of her feet with her hands behind her back. Chris slowly turns towards Ashley, struggling to confirm coherent words, “Where- where did she go?”

Ashley sighs and clasps her hands together sadly, “She didn’t want me to tell you this… but quite honestly, I was never a supporter of this plan in the first place.” “This was a plan?” “Been planned right from the start of it all. Since the skittles, she said. She’s home now.”

“Home? This is her home. She should be- her home is with me.” Ashley shakes her head and disappears into her bedroom, your bedroom, Chris’ gaze lingering on her retreating form. After a minute, Ashley returns with a cardboard box in her arms.

“These are yours… your possessions. She wanted me to throw them out but… I… didn’t have the heart to,” she hands Chris the box, and he opens the lid hesitantly, blinking back tears.

His clothes, his toiletries, his snacks, his drinks.

“Where is she?” he asks again, asking for a more specific answer, “Where’s her home?” “She’s with her family, back in Australia… Perth.” Chris inhales sharply and stalks over to the couch to place the cardboard box there. He whips out his phone and types out a quick message to the Stray Kids’ group chat, letting them know of his current situation.

Jisung: “Go get her. I’ll fight with JYP again, no problem.” 

The rest of the Kids’ react to Jisung’s message with a thumbs up.

Changbin: “I’ll beat his ass this time.”

Message's of agreement follow, and Chris manages a small smile.

“I’m not going to give you her address until you rest,” Ashley stubbornly states, assuming that Chris is booking a flight to Perth, “She’d want you to rest.”  Chris contemplates Ashley’s words, glancing at her outstretched hand. A wave of exhaustion crashes over him then, and he nods in assent, handing his phone over to her. “No booking flights until tomorrow. Go wash up and get some sleep,” Ashley commands, walking over to place his phone on the kitchen counter.

He spends most of his time standing in the shower, staring at the wall, his brain foggier than the steaming glass windows. He’s absently fiddling with a bracelet on his wrist.

“Happy Birthday Christopher~” “What’s this?” “It’s a gift for me, obviously.” “Alright, you goose. Stupid question. Can I… open it?” “Of fucking course.” "…" “It’s got my name on the underside… so you can carry me wherever you go.” “I love you.” “I know.” “Oi! C’mere you little shit, say it back!” “Happy BirthdayyyyyyyyyyAHH! DON’T TICKLE ME!”

When he finally gets out of the shower, changing into one of his hoodies from the cardboard box of his belongings, he finds Ashley lying down on the couch, blankets draped on top of her, scrolling on her phone. “I’ll sleep on the couch. What’re you doing?” Chris asks, towelling his hair. Ashley lowers her phone and frowns at him, “It’s fine. You can take the bed.”

“I don’t think I can…” Chris whispers, and Ashley nods in understanding. “I thought you might like to… I haven't washed the sheets yet because they… they still smell like her…” “Oh,” Chris falters, swallowing thickly. “I just thought- that it’d help you sleep better. I know it helps me sleep better… I… I miss her too…” Ashley smiles softly, going back to scrolling on her phone. “You miss her?’ Chris asks, his voice croaky. “She’s like an older sister. Of course I miss her.” “Oh.”

They do… smell like you. But it’s not you.

--

Chris clicks open his phone, reading the text message from Ashley. She’s finally sent him your address using his recently traded phone number. He sighs and leans back into his plane seat, fiddling with that bracelet again. He’s trying to work through what he’s going to say to you when he finally sees you again. His gaze is unfocused as he stares out of the plane window, watching the clouds drift lazily past, the world small, insignificant.

Fear courses through him, and he sits up straighter, the back of his neck prickling, goosebumps emerging everywhere. His breath seizes in his throat as the barrel of a gun is pressed to the side of his head, cold and hard, digging painfully into his skin. He looks around in a panic, irises blown out and terrified, but of course – there’s no actual gun at his head. Chris’ hands grip his armrests tightly, his knuckles white, as a voice, echoey and distant, murmurs in his mind.

“Just pull the trigger and it’s done… it’s as easy as that…”

Chris’ breath returns in ragged huffs, his heart screaming in his chest, eyes flickering with horror.

“Please,” Chris begs, his voice coming out in a pitiful whine, “Please, not this again. Please.”

--

I’ll help you out here, since I’ve been a lazy author and haven’t been keeping you up to date with Chris’ strange condition much. This strange connection to suicidal Stays ceased to exist when he met you. They only visited him in nightmares, but even then, they eventually stopped too. It’s only just recently that they’ve returned… ever since you’ve left him. Ever since you’ve denied him your love. This time is different though, this time the symptoms are more severe. 

I suppose… you can think of it like this – imagine you’ve been tortured for a long time, and then eventually you find release, you find freedom. Wouldn’t it be 10x worse if suddenly you’re thrown back into this torture? Thrown back in after finally having a taste of freedom? Yeah. I think it would be.

--

Chris hears the click of the trigger, loud next to his ear. There’s a brief bang, which makes him flinch, a stabbing pain in the side of his skull, and he’s gone. He’s dead. You can forget about his mission to find you. You can forget about his heartbeat, his thoughts, his soul. He’s dead. Died at the same time someone else in the world shot a bullet through their brain. He’s dead. 

“Excuse me? Sir, please wake up. Sir! Natalie! Go get a med kit! Quickly!” Chris stirs, his head groggy as his eyes drift open. His vision is blurred, so even when he turns his head to stare at the person gripping his shoulder tightly, he can’t tell who it is.

“What…?” he mumbles as if someone’s just woken him from his peaceful sleep, and the flight attendant turns back to him in shock. “It’s alright sir, just sit still don’t move your head. I’m just going to apply pressure to the wound okay?” she murmurs, grabbing a cloth off another flight attendant and pressing it to the side of his skull.

“What?” Chris asks again, his vision clearing. “Sir, you’re bleeding,” she states, staring at him in confusion. She retracts her other hand to show the blood coated all over it. “Am I?” he asks, and his senses fully return to him, panic gripping him as he feels his blood trickling past his ear, dripping everywhere on his seat, a strange throbbing in his skull. He bolts out of his seat, shoving past the attendant and dashes down the lane to lock himself in the bathroom.

In record time, someone’s banging on the door, urging him to come out so he can be tended to, and that he’s bleeding severely and should seek medical help. Chris ignores them and stares at himself in the mirror. He’s been shot. He dips a shaking hand into the blood oozing out of his skull, retching at its stickiness.

“What the fuck?” he wheezes, stumbling forwards to support his quivering self on the sink, nausea slamming into him. He retches again, leaning forwards into the sink, preparing for the vomit. Nothing comes though, and when he looks up into the mirror again, suddenly he’s just staring at himself – tired, trembling with fear, but nothing much else. 

His hand zooms up to his head again, but there’s no blood. There’s no bullet wound. Just him. “What the actual fuck?” Chris repeats again, groaning and slamming his forehead into the mirror (A/N: Please help me, I actually don’t think there are bathroom mirrors on planes but just fckn pretend there is because it was necessary). Eventually, he scoffs and pushes himself up, fixing his hair to make it look a little less ruffled.

“That’s fucking new,” he growls, glaring at himself in the mirror, then up above, as though he’s blaming a higher entity for his suffering. He takes a deep breath and finally notices that the knocking on the bathroom door has stopped, and instead he can hear panicked whispers. “I don’t understand, where did the blood go? My hand was covered in blood, where did it-”  “No, I know I saw it, I gave you the cloth to-”

Chris unlocks the bathroom door and swings it open, staring at the flight attendants with a hesitant grin, “Sorry ladies, did you need the bathroom?” Their jaws fall open in shock at the sight of him, unwounded, unphased. “No you- your head was bleeding badly just a second ago,” One of them stutters. Chris frowns and stares at them like they’re insane, then steps out of the bathroom and closes the door slowly, “I… think I’d know… if my head was… bleeding. Are you guys okay?”

They blink at him, stunned. Then clear their throats nervously and turn to stare at each other before muttering, “Do you think we’re just tired?” Chris shrugs, gives them a little bow and turns away to return to his seat. Behind his back, they continue to talk, “How can we both possibly hallucinate the same thing though?” “I don’t understand.” “Let’s just… yeah let’s go rotate… I think we need more sleep.”

He’d always wondered what would happen if you were ever to leave his side. He’d never figured out whether the suicidal connections stopped because of you, or if it was purely coincidental. If there was any silver lining to this situation, it would be that he now knows that he needs you. He wants you and he needs you. Please. Come back to him.

--

Chris gulps as he drags his suitcase to a stop in front of your family home, double-checking the address on his phone. His heart is beating frantically, and he can’t tell if it’s from nerves or excitement. The sun is warm on his back, but at the same time it prickles his skin, sizzling it with an uncomfortable anticipation.

Slowly, he meanders his way up the driveway, admiring the red and yellow kangaroo paw framing its outline. It’s almost a relief when he steps under the shade of the front patio, welcoming the protection from the sun. After a steadying breath, he presses his finger to the doorbell, head tilting at the sound of it ringing from inside. There’s some muted shuffling, brief yelling and then the door clicks open. Standing in the doorway is someone who isn’t you but could basically be a duplicate of you.

Her hair through to her eyes, height through to her smile; it’s so shockingly similar to yours that Chris almost breathes your name. Eventually, his mind corrects itself and he notices the wrinkles lining her expression, the mole on the wrong spot, the different jawline. 

He’s just met your mother.

“Hi, are you alright? Can I help you?” she asks, blinking at him through the screen door. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but as he thinks over it, he probably should have expected it. He hadn’t prepared himself to come face to face with one of your parents. Her eyes flicker over the backpack and suitcase behind him, and she squints, an idea formulating in her mind.

“You’re… Christopher right?” she frowns, just as he opens his mouth to introduce himself. “I’m- yes- I’m- yeah that’s me…” he responds, his voice feebly dying in his throat. Your mother swivels around on her heels and calls over her shoulder.

“Noah honey, Chris is here can you pop the kettle on!?” Then with a swift click, she unlocks the screen door and swings it wide, smiling gently at Chris. “Who’s here?!” Noah yells back, and your Mum rolls her eyes. “Christopher! Y/N’s boyfriend!” she shakes her head and returns her attention to Chris, who’s standing frozen, a little confused and disoriented, “Sorry about the yelling love, come in, come in.” 

Chris fumbles for his suitcase behind him, but your Mum gestures again, “Oh don’t worry about that, I’ll grab that. You just make yourself at home.”  Chris hesitates but catches a familiar glimmer in her eyes and thinks better of it. 

Once inside, he takes note of the shoes gathered neatly by the corner and takes his own off before leaving the inside doormat, carefully placing them to the side. “Just walk straight through to the living room, my husband will bring you a coffee-”

Chris swivels around and opens his mouth to explain that he doesn’t drink coffee, or tea, but your Mum slaps her forehead in realisation and chatters on, “Oh dearie me, you don’t drink coffee do you love? NOAH!” “Yeah?!” “Have we got any pineapple juice in the fridge?!” she yells again, and Chris can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed at being stuck in the middle of a conversation being yelled across the house.

And… how did she know about… pineapple juice being one of his favourites…

“My name’s Kiara love, Kia works fine though,” she explains, dragging his suitcase inside and shutting the door with her foot.  “I don’t mean to intrude-” Chris begins, hands tightening on his bag straps. “Oh nonsense my dear boy. You’ve won me some money,” she waves at him, squeezing past and leading him into the lounge room where Noah is setting a glass of pineapple juice and a hazelnut croissant on the coffee table.

“That’s not how you should be welcoming him, Ki,” Noah scoffs, eyeing his wife pointedly, “There’s no need to involve our bets. Leave the poor man alone.” “This poor man has his priorities straight,” Kiara scoffs back, rolling Chris’ suitcase to a stop beside the couch, then shuffling over in her fluffy grey indoor slippers to take his bag off him. Chris doesn’t really want to know what the bet is about. He could probably guess, so instead he stares at Kiara’s slippers, bewilderment melting into embarrassment.

“Are those… Wolfchan-” he begins as Kiara plonks his bag down next to his suitcase. “Hm? These?” she asks, lifting a foot up, “Yeah. I bought them for Y/N years back, but then she left, forgot to pack these and then said I could use them because we’re the same size. They’re super comfy too.”

Chris’ heart falters at the mention of your name, and Noah seems to notice this, for he pats the couch next to him with a small smile. Chris slowly sits down and accepts the pineapple juice, taking a tiny sip. “If you have anything to say son, then you’re welcome to. However, I’ll just point out that there’s no need to introduce yourself or explain why you’re here. Y/N told us everything.”

Chris nods and takes a deep breath, eyeing the hazelnut croissant with disdain. Did they know about the significance of that croissant too? Looking at it makes his heart ache. “I can’t… I can’t lose her,” he eventually breathes, and Kiara sits down on his other side. “We know sweetie… and I think it’s quite admirable that you’ve flown all this way to find her,” she nods, placing a tentative hand on his back.

“Yeah well… I had no choice she wouldn’t- she’s not answering my calls… or my messages,” Chris sets the glass down and urges himself to not cry. No crying, especially not in front of your parents. Enough. “At least she didn’t block you. It’s a sign that she hasn’t completely let go yet either, so just try your hardest son. I know my daughter is stubborn, she gets that from me unfortunately, but if you try hard enough…” Noah rambles, his hands wildly gesturing, but eventually lapses into silence.

“Where is she?” Chris eventually asks, dreading the question. He resents the way it sounds coming out of his mouth, broken and vulnerable. He resents that every time he has asked, he’s come up short, people telling him they know nothing, or she’s not here. He resents having to ask the question at all.

“She’s out with Oliver right now, but she’ll be home soon, don’t worry,” Kiara chirps, rubbing his back comfortingly. “The dog Kiara. The dog. She’s taken Oli, our Aussie Shepherd, out for a walk,” Noah adds, and Chris can’t help but crack a small smile as Kiara rolls her eyes and Noah continues, “What’re you trying to do? Spark a fight out of jealousy? Oliver’s a dog, not a human.”

“Oh give it a rest honey, I’m sure Chris doesn’t get jealous that easily.” Chris picks up his drink again and takes a generous sip, deciding it better to let Kiara believe that to be true. He does, sometimes… get jealous.

“Now, I know you love our girl. That much is obvious,” Noah grins, “But I want to know why you need her in your life.”  Chris frowns at the question, his hand digging into the holes of his ripped jeans, and at his confusion, Noah elaborates, “You can love someone, but still let them go, simply because you do love them. I want to know why you love her and need her in your life.” 

He thinks he understands the question now, and before he can even think his mouth is spilling words. “She makes me happy. I know my career is rough, it’s chaotic, it’s strenuous. But the days that I do get to see her are the best days of my life. She’s never expected anything of me. She’s never held me in high regard just because I’m an idol. She sees me as me. I’m just Chris to her.

“Sometimes I look at her, and I can see snippets of myself – the way she treats her customers, the way she tackles her work, the way she loves. And I- she gives me a reason to love myself. Through loving her, I’m learning to love myself. I feel loved, when I’m with her. And the world is okay. It’s full of love. And suddenly I want all this love to go to her.

“Her smile makes me smile. Her laugh does that too. I’m never going to forget that look in her eyes when she’s listening to me talk about my day. And now- I-” Chris can feel himself cracking, his voice breaking as he tries to continue, and a realisation hits him so hard that he has to stop talking. When he finally continues, his voice is barely a whisper, “And I would do anything in the world to see her smile and her eyes and even her attitude… replicated in our kids. But I can’t- they won’t exist if she doesn’t- if I can’t-”

Chris takes a shuddering breath and stops himself. He’s not going to say anything else. If he continues he genuinely won’t be able to contain his emotions. “I think you should probably marry her first,” Noah smiles, “And you have our blessing for that.” Chris chuckles, the laugh escaping from who knows where. Thanks Noah.

“What do you mean our blessing, we hardly know Chris yet and you’re already saying they can marry?” Kiara frowns, and Noah sighs. “Kiara, my love. You were the one who bet on him trying to find our daughter, I thought you’d agree.” "Hold your horses, I was only kidding.” “You need to work on your timing, that was not a great time to kid.”

Chris is only half paying attention to their banter. His reason? He’s heard you, and now his brain is selectively tuning out your parents, instead fixating on the laughter in your voice. “Oli! C’mere boy let me take that leash off you hey?”

Chris slowly stands up, in a daze, and your parents quieten, watching as he progresses around the corner following the sound of your voice. When he sees you, he doesn’t know how he feels. Excitement? Fear? Trepidation? Relief? You on your knees, smiling as you unclip your dogs leash. You, so close, yet so far away, separated by a glass door. 

Eventually, you look up. The surprise that flickers across your features at the sight of him standing beyond the glass door swiftly vanishes, replaced instead with a cold harshness. A look that makes him feel like he’s lost. He’s lost you. You drop the leash onto the outside table, then seem to contemplate him. When you slide the door open, Chris doesn’t know what to do, what to say, his rehearsed lines flying out the window.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” you seethe, sliding the door shut behind you forcefully.  “I’m here for you,” Chris croaks out, and your jaw clenches. (A/N: Please tell me someone remembers this parallel. It hurts me.) “How did you even-” you pause and sigh in resignation, “Ashley.” Then with a final glare directed towards him, you stalk past, ignoring him as he mutters your name repeatedly.

Immediately, you notice the pineapple juice and untouched croissant on the coffee table (A/N: And this parallel, the croissant guys), but your parents are nowhere to be seen. “Can we talk? Please?” Chris asks, following you as you scoop up the food and drink and unceremoniously dump them in the kitchen. “Go home Christopher,” you scoff, rummaging around in a basket full of vehicle keys.

“Home? I am home.” “No, you’re not. You’re in my house.” “It’s technically your parents-” “I don’t give a shit about technicalities, you’re in my house and you’re not meant to be. Get the fuck out,” you hiss, your voice rising. Chris stares at you, his soul evidently shattering piece by piece.

“I don’t understand,” he murmurs, his voice broken. “What’s there to understand?” you sigh, rubbing your forehead in frustration. “Why did you- why are you here, why did you leave… me?”  “I broke up with you the way that I did so we wouldn’t have to go through this. I did that because- I said that I cherished you did I not? I didn’t want to go through this. This fight. This-” “Then don’t fight. We don’t have to fight, just come back to me.” You grit your teeth and brush past him again, scanning the dining table, looking for something, ignoring him.

“Why did you leave? I told you to not think about leaving under any circumstance, I said I would sort it out and I did. So why the fuck did you leave me? Why did you run? Why did you disappear? You left without warning, you left nothing behind. All I got was the worst fucking voicemail of my entire life and you expected me to just- live with that?!” 

You breathe through your nose heavily and turn back to him, a fire burning in your eyes, “I thought you said you didn’t want to fight?” “I’m the one fighting here, I’m the one fighting for you. But I want to know why. Why am I fighting for you? I thought everything was fine. I thought-”

Finally, you crack, your voice exploding in a yell, “I LEFT BECAUSE I COULDN’T MAKE YOU CHOOSE BETWEEN STRAY KIDS OR ME!” Chris falls silent, staring as you pull out a chair and sit down, defeated.  “I left because I knew you’d choose me. I knew you’d choose me over the career you’ve lost blood and tears for. And I couldn’t do that to you.”

“That’s not a decision for you to make,” Chris growls, his fists clenching by his side. “Yeah? Well I made it my decision to make.” “I can live, with both Stray Kids and you in my life. That is not a problem. There was no need to-” “Oh it’s not? It’s not a problem Chris?” you snap, standing back up and continuing your search for whatever… it is that you’re searching for.

“No! It’s not!” “Go back and watch your interviews. Go back and watch any fucking footage with you in it and it’s pretty fucking obvious that it’s a problem.”

You disappear down a hallway, and Chris speeds after you. After a brief knock on someone’s door, you push it open and poke your head inside. “Ry, have you got my bike keys?” you ask. “Who’re you fighting with? Is Chris here?” "Just give me my keys and go back to your game, god damn it. You got plans with my bike?”

Chris hears the jangling of keys and as you pull away from the door, a boy in his late teens peeks out, headphones resting on his shoulders. He blinks at Chris once, watching as you shove past him and out into the loungeroom again. “Hi. Nice to meet you Chris. M’name’s Ryan. Oh, and… a word of advice, never yell at a woman, it only infuriates them more.”

Chris grimaces and follows you outside again, trying to clear his head. “Look. Please. Just come back with me. Let me be yours again.” “Chris, I love you to bits. I love you so fucking much, but you need to let this go. You need to let me go. You can’t throw away your career, just for me.”

“You can love someone, but still let them go, simply because you do love them. I want to know why you love her and need her in your life.”

“I thought I was more than just an idol to you.” These words seem to strike your heart, and your hands fall limp at your sides. “You are…” you whisper, “Chris you are… you’re so much more than just an idol-” “Then why?” Chris whispers, pinching the fabric of his clothes.

When you don’t answer him, merely continue to stare, Chris continues at a whisper, tears beginning to pool at the bottom of his eyes. “I die. I’m dying. I will die over and over again, the longer you’re not by my side. The longer you-” “Then go die somewhere else.”  (A/N: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - NAH SCREW YOU. THAT WAS FOUL)

The silence is profound. It’s so loud that it’s ringing in his ears. He’s trying to take in your deadpan expression. Trying to suppress his tears, the threatening urge to scream in fury. The desire to pull you into his arms and never, actually never let you go. And he’s processing your words, each second passing a stab to his heart. He thinks, perhaps, this has been the most realistic stab he’s ever felt. The most painful.

Chris of course, is not lying when he says he’ll die every day without you. Naturally, you don’t know that. And naturally, you don’t know how badly you’ve just hurt him.

“You don’t mean that…” he whispers, walking towards you, trying to reach you, “take that back, you don’t mean that.” You take a step back and shake your head, Chris’ arm dropping to his side, his tears beginning to openly flow down his face. The sight makes your eyes start to sting, your heart shattering at his broken form. You turn away and head back outside again. Chris watches your retreating figure through the haze of his tears.

“Y/N,” he cries, eventually following you outside as you jam a helmet over your head and swing yourself over a motorbike, “Y/N where are you going?”  As soon as the helmet obscures your face, you’re crying, and it’s with every last bit of resolve remaining that you start the bike in silence, not wanting him to hear your sobs. “Y/N!”

Before he can reach you, you take off, leaving him standing by the front gates, his hands holding his face, his tears trickling through his fingers. Chris stumbles back into the wall and sinks to the floor, burying his head in his hands. After a couple of minutes, he looks up at the sound of people moving around him, and immediately wipes his face upon seeing Noah, Kiara and Ryan standing above him, sympathetic expressions on their faces.

“Let her cool off, talk to her again later when she’s back,” Ryan helpfully says, his hands entrenched in his hoodie. “She shouldn’t be cooling off on her bike, I’m worried for her. She’s a bit of speed demon isn’t she?” Kiara mumbles, looking out at the open gates. “She’ll be fine. I taught her how to ride, she’s not stupid,” Noah grumbles, pulling Kiara into a side hug. “People can do stupid things when they’re in pain.”

Ryan’s last words only make Chris break down again, and he curls tighter into himself. “Come back to me,” he sobs over and over again. 

--

You find yourself pulling your bike up to park by the beach. That’s perhaps the fastest you’ve ever ridden, the wind louder than your thoughts, stinging your skin into numbness. You’re shaking by the time you get off your bike, and you actually have no idea how you’re still alive. The dried tears on your cheeks feel cold in the air.

After propping your helmet up on your seat, you meander your way towards the water, stripping yourself of your shoes and socks so you can feel the sand between your toes. You’ve no idea why you’re here, of all places. You just rode until you couldn’t feel your fingers anymore. Rode until your legs were stiff.

The beach is Chris��� favourite place, so why are you here? The sun’s already beginning to set, and you sink down into the sand, watching the waves creep up to your toes, tickling them gently, then retreat silently. So blue. So endless. So cold. So peaceful. You think, that if you could decide how you die, you’d like to die in the sea.

--

You’ve been out for hours, sitting at the beach until you can’t feel your limbs anymore. When you finally return home, it’s dark, and you’re shivering from the cold. Your parents have gone out tonight. It’s their monthly movie night, and you hardly doubt they’ll break tradition just because Chris is here. If he’s still here. Ryan will most likely still be gaming in his room, and Dennis is at Uni, so it’ll just be you and Chris really. If he’s still here.

As quietly as you can, you slip inside, staring in a daze at the places where you and Chris were just fighting only hours ago. It’s not until you walk to go put your keys in the basket that you hear him, breathing softly on the couch. He’s sitting up, like he was waiting for you to get home, and again your heart breaks, your hand flying up to your mouth to quieten your sob. They all must have been worried for you. It wasn’t sensible of you, to tear up the road on your bike when you’re not in the right headspace.

You pad over to him and sit down on the coffee table, watching as he sleeps, his face free of pain, hurt and sadness. Just peaceful. “Why did you have to follow me here?” you ask softly, resisting the itch to push his hair out of his eyes. You’re sitting there, in silence, for a few more minutes before Chris whines in pain. His forehead is crinkled, eyebrows knitted together, and his hand darts up to his scrunch his shirt, twisting it into a knot.

“I don’t want to- no- no no no-” he murmurs, and you move to his side immediately, whispering soothing words, falling back into a familiar routine. “Chris, hey, I’m here, it’s okay.”

Chris takes a shuddering gasp and his flash open, wild and panicked. He’s moving around too much that it makes it hard for you to grab at his shirt… and he’s drenched. You blink and perform a once-over. He’s drenched. How is he- he was dry just a second ago-  “Chris.” 

He’s gasping wildly for breath, his hair stuck to his forehead, curls flattened out. “Chris why are you- how are you-” you’re grabbing him in bewilderment, trying to find a part of him that isn’t soaked with water. In the next second he’s coughing out water, buckets of it spilling out of his mouth. You yelp and jump out of the way, skittering backwards on the couch, and Chris finally seems to register your presence. 

“Y/N?” he gasps, swaying and clutching his chest in a panic, “I can’t- I can’t- I’m drowning-” he coughs, and you can only stare at him in confusion. Out of nowhere, he grabs your arm and yanks you into him, hugging you tightly, tears leaking from his eyes as he trembles around you, his clothes soaking yours, his hands frigid with cold. Oh how you've missed his hugs - missed him. Almost immediately, Chris’ shuddering gasps cease, and you swivel in his arms in surprise, watching as the water seeping his clothes fades into nonexistence, his hair miraculously dries, returning to its previously fluffy state.

“I’m so confused,” you bluntly state, eyes wide. “I’ll explain, I’ll explain. Just don’t… just stay with me.”  You curl back into his embrace as he tugs you closer, hiding his face in your neck, inhaling your warmth and scent like it’s his life force. “Stay with me,” he murmurs again, tightening his hold around you.

--

To save myself the difficulty of writing ‘explanation’ dialogue, he explains. Right from the beginning, everything to do with his connection to suicidal Stay’s, and how you’re connected to them too. You remain silent the entire time, absorbing the information. When he’s done, still hugging you tightly, he falls silent, and you can sense that he’s nervous.

--

“I understand if you don’t… believe me…” he eventually murmurs, nuzzling further into your neck, “I don’t really believe it myself…” “I believe you,” you whisper back, hand reaching up to stroke his curls, tears forming in your eyes again, “I believe you, I do.”

And then you’re explaining how you heard his inner monologue that day, on that bridge. And then you’re hugging him tighter and placing kisses on his head through your tears. And now you’re apologising, over and over again and Chris is sobbing with you, but he’s muttering a different set of words.

“I love you.”

--

Do you return back to your Café after this? Yeah. Yeah you do, and Ashley is overjoyed to see the pair of you walking hand in hand up to the Café. How’s JYP doing? Oh he’s fine. Rethinking his life choices after Changbin and Jisung confronted him again, stopping him from ruining Chris’ career. Don’t worry though, JYP isn’t all bad – he removed the restrictions on Chris from seeing you, truly amazed by Chris’ dedication to you.

There won’t ever be a day where the world is completely happy with your relationship with Chris, but as long as you march through it together, work through it together, everything will pan out okay. Just ignore the haters, who are they to get in the way of something so pure? Something so valuable?

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺

-> PART 7 　 -> Masterlist

A/N: Anyways, the ending was lowkey rushed, and I’m sorry about that – but it got harder to write the longer I wrote for. You don’t know how difficult it is to turn Chris into a sobbing emotional wreck.

Feedback is always appreciated, negative and positive alike. I apologise for any editing errors, I’m forever learning.

Until next read!! - Kaisowoo