#and im learning so much already!
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I'm finally committing to watching biblaridion's conlanging case study series start to finish and i swear i can feel my brain leveling up in real time. to be honest ive always had a bit of a problem with artistic jealousy to the point where it can be difficult for me to engage in hobby communities cus it feels like everyone is doing it so much better than me. but you cant really improve like that! this is something i wanna work on and i think this series is gonna help a lot.
#ive also barely watched any conlang showcases on youtube bc of this but theres so many that im sure i could learn a lot from#ill start with the conlang circus ones. even if theyre not totally serious they can still serve as inspiration#and i think with those ill find it easier to overcome my jealousy#ive also just been in kind of a worldbuilding/conlanging slump lately where it feels like nothing i do is good enough#but this is getting me motivated to just take things slow and try again#and im learning so much already!#ramblings
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so far we've raised a collective €768/$823USD~ with our raffle drive!!! there are still ten days left, help us reach 1k 🫶
#thank you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this has been a learning curve for me and im already thinking how we can refine & make this more effective for next time#but i'm very proud so far of how much we've been able to raise together 💗
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SMTIV English Artbook Scans
Today, I was able to finish scanning my entire English SMTIV art book! This book is weirdly hard to find so I'm glad I was able to do this, and I hope that everyone enjoys being able to read the official translation of this incredible art book!
#smtiv#smt iv#shin megami tensei iv#smt4#smt#shin megami tensei#senshi voice 'TIS FINISHED#takes a deep bow and then falls over because my back hurts from crouching over my scanner for like 3 hours today#anyways theres so much cool stuff in here in terms of commentary like there is so much text in here#comments on like every single thing#also this entire like 2.5 page interview with masayuki doi and eiji ishida#also peep the little goddess of tokyo easter egg on the very first and last pages#im already a serial tag yapper but i just want to say that i really really hope that you guys get something out of this because it makes me#very happy to think that someone might get to learn something new or cool or interesting from these that is my one and only wish#also bc that took me a really long time and my printer lives on the floor. ow. my bones#myscans
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"if we make america worse and more of a dictatorship that will be even harder to unravel and make it the way we want the country to be, maybe then everyone will join our Glorious Revolution!" bb girl you cant even be in the same room with someone who thinks you should vote, how in tf do you think you're gonna unite people to fight in The Revolution with you? it's gonna be you and your 5 friends, i hate to break it to you.
#i dont think you realize how repelling you and your politics are to everyone else#you get all of your validation for how Smart You Are from your friends and ignore any kind of feedback that suggests you should#change or do something differently. thats the only reason you're so convinced average people will go along with you bc you keep getting#affirmation from the people who ALREADY agree with you- but you have NO IDEA how to bridge the gap between people who agree#with you and disagree with you. you're horrible at convincing people of your side of things outside of straight up guilt tripping them#or bullying them like a highschooler. im sorry but the tools you learned to survive with as a kid aren't gonna help you in this situation.#the ONLY THING you can come up with to bridge that gap is a bloody revolution. thats how bad you are at this.#and you're also so bad at this and unimaginative that you dont even realize how THAT might not even be enough.#you cant imagine ANY kind of avenue to getting people to change AT ALL outside of blood and fire. and thats why people call you#an authoritarian.#i'll be honest- i really do think the world would be a better place if we did incremental change under a democratic president who wont#set the world on fire vs the godkingemperor republican WHO WONT EVEN LISTEN TO YOU AT ALL EVER AND MIGHT KILL YOU#FOR PUTTING UP A STINK. idk if you noticed but if that evil fuck gets into office we are severely outnumbered if he gets police#n shit to go after his own citizens. letting trump win is making this battle so much harder than it needs to be.#you are choosing trying to fix the world while its exploding vs trying to fix it before it explodes at all.#what is this like a procrastination thing? you wanna wait till the last minute to try? idfgi. wtf is wrong with you#throwing minority lives away to prove a point. and then you try to tell me you care. gtfoh.#accelerationists should never be taken seriously.
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STAR — MITSKI
No matter that love's gone We just see it shining We've traveled very far, I'll Keep a leftover light burning So you can keep looking up Isn't that worth holding on?
#mitski#star#the land is inhospitable and so are we#mitskiedit#musicedit#userpcultures#usermusic#dailymusicians#dailymusicqueens#dailywoc#*#*my gifs#i didn't want to mess with the coloring too much because the original coloring was already so gorgeous...#also this took me way too long to make its kind of embarrassing. but u live and u learn ig#also im never making b&w gifs ever again if i can help it. it inflicted a special kind of pain :-)
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phinktober day 8: tatinof
wtf a whole week done already???? i haven’t drawn this consistently since i was in high school 😭
bonus bc idk when to stop
#again don’t love this one as much as the others but i’m settling into some semblance of a style finally and learning to work w that so#i’m pleased#and i’m actually quite impressed at my development already i was a sketch portrait artist for years i forgot how much i love sketch-style#think i’m getting a bit better w anatomy without being completely dependant on grids#hmm#anyway i have a headache from trying to get this done before midnight im gonna go have a cup of tea#and maybe water idk when last i drank water#art2 and craft2#dnp#dan and phil#phanart#daniel howell#amazingphil#dan howell#phil lester#tatinof#the amazing tour is not on fire#wait he was still dinof then#danisnotonfire#i feel like i’m missing a tag but idc i need a cone#FOR FUCKS SAKE I MEANT TO POST THIS 4 HOURS AGO AND LEFT THE APP AND NEVER PRESSED POST#AAAAAAAAAA whatever it’s still tuesday somewhere
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op you are the only person on this entire website feeding me Miryumi. Bless, and keeep making more jbsjhbcsbcjkdzb its so fucking gpood and ima soa hungry
My one job is keeping the miryumi community well fed and by god am i committed
#hi guyssss guess who started uni#signing up for a degree knowing its hard and actually learning the hard material are two different concepts ive found#me signing up for a physics heavy course: why do i have so much physics homework🤯#so i have had very little time to draw i fear#and it seems like im gonna have less time generally so my already sparse posting schedule is gonna become more erratic#brace yourselves#anyways i finished up this old wip i had sitting around and guys i missed them so much#i cant say it enough#miryumi my beloveds#if all i do in life is convince one person that miryumi is a good ship then i will die happy#its criminal how little ive managed to draw them recently#also for future reference i have tgchk RATTLING around my skull there will be them content soon i swear#thats my psa done#feast my children#or well nibble this is one drawing lol#miryumi#rumi usagiyama#fuyumi todoroki#fuyurumi#(people keep tagging it that idk im a sheep)#(it is kinda cute)#mha#bnha#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#wlw#chiquilines draws
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Learn from who? Learn from you? You are still a brat. What do you know? You're only three years older. Like you are any better than me. You're 21, and still a virgin. What are you proud of? I think you can't do it.
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 06
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#userspicy#userrain#pdribs#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#*gestures at the caption* this is honestly the funniest argument they could possibly have idfk what to tell you. it's very ai di#meanwhile whatever's going through chen yi's head rn has recently been doused with 'the boss doesnt care abt me like that'#after watching cdy and zml at dinner. like chen yi already knows *before* ep9 & ai dis confession that cdy will never look at him#(the diff. between this scene & ep9's. is him failing in regards to the gang as well in cdy's eyes. he goes from feelings of disappointment#& irritability to complete despair and both times he drinks to cope. bc hes not enough in cdy's eyes in ANY of the ways he wants/hoped)#so honestly the crisis chen yi goes thru right here isnt unfounded at all hes literally dealing w an inadvertent rejection of his feelings#its chaos in his head and ai di is picking at him again and the wine is tilting in his blood and then- 'learn from who? learn from you?'#like what do YOU know about love ai di (WHILE CHEN YI'S PULLING HIM LIKE THAT-) so OF COURSE ai di goes for the deepest dig he can.#'i bet you cant get hard that explains how much of a coward you are'. its ridiculous the ways in which they push each other over the edge#but im ngl im kind of obsessed the way chen yi's tipsy line of thinking 'learn from you?' turned into the action 'fuck it learn from ME'#ANYWAY EVERYONE GO LISTEN TO 'LOSE CONTROL' BY TEDDY SWIMS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. THe most chen yi song pre-ep9
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I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?
What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.
#this is my curly slander post ig#disclaimer i need you to understand i see all fictional men i like as like butches Curly is no exception#but like they didnt need to add that many polygons to his chest like its unnessary and honestly a little mean he already has so many things#to handle and you expect him to hold those boys up like that just aint right this is like something so stupid but i know you can tell im#having strong feelings about it cause like what was the point why did they survive the fucking crash it has to be a injoke at this point#with the devs it shouldnt make me this mad im turning into a misandrist but only towards large chested men#mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#shitpost#suggestive#ig because this is just about his chest but like also they made him objectively pretty for no reason like yeah like ideal man and work ig#but they went over the extra mile like i have a right to be mad they did that much for a model we see canonically for like two seconds its#crazy actually how little we see of curly pre crash because we also lose his physical movements to help characterize him the way we see#body language with the other characters and how it gives way to their struggles and personalities and sentiments in certain moments#like all he does and how he emotes is stifled by the fact we always play as him until the last moments where he takes over to try and save#the ship and crew and even right before that the scene is so wrought with tension we cant tell what that look he gave Jimmy meant due to#the limitations of the models and how stiff Curly is like was it fear acceptance denial we dont know enought about how he acts himself#to tell and then everything else is charaterized by what Jimmy had done to where we dont really just get to see Curly as himself like Anya#and Swansea and Daisuke we have no idea how theyd act in a regular moment outside of a few glimpses and even then it is them doing#their jobs like grrrr we hate an unreliable narrator but also its the fact jimmy clearly does not interact with them or try to outside of#his position as copilot and then captain harkening back to the entire capitlist view of utility and how he views all of them as useless eve#Curly which fandom tangent the fandom also tends to do to Curly as they base every trait on what they think he failed to do as Captain#between Jimmy and Anya when the QnAs kinda make him out to be a rather open and willing person but still someone who isnt like a push over#just thinking of QnA three where it mentions hes very open to trying new things and you need to be an open minded person to open urself up#to failure like that and ig this is just the weird view that Curly needs to learn that or that theres redemption he needs personality wise#verses healing and learning from trauma like idk its the idea that people assume he did abosultely nothing when the games points out direct#and throught parallels he was taking actions its just wasnt enough and an over focus on absolute inaction vs ineffective methods used to#tackle the issues and themes the game grapples with plus wanting someone to take the blame and have to make it up to Anya even tho#i think it would mean nothing from Curly because she saw his efforts and would be disappointed it wasnt enough but the idea she would#disregard the attempts or not acknoweldge Jimmy as the epicenter compared ot Curly is weird and too focused on someone
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Super Smash Bros. Ultimate - Switch (December 7, 2018)
#2024#screenshots#super smash bros#super smash bros ultimate#The latest and easily one of the greatest Smash games. I have insanely fond memories with it already. Hard to believe it came out in 2018#My favorite newcomer overall is EASILY Hero I've played as him too much. The randomness is so fun#But its FILLED with more great characters too like Ridley and Inkling and Sora and Sephiroth and Banjo and so on and so forth#It really is a lovely game and Im so excited to see whats next for this series. Genuinely I cannot wait!!#Also for some reason these gifs were all so much smaller and easier than the smash 4 ones... odd. Ive learned a lot about making gifs
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you can always tell when someone doesn't have maga men in their life and god it makes me angry.. "if you're nice and compassionate you can be the one woman that makes them realize women aren't mean!" my mom bent over backwards for my dad for 25 fucking years he has plenty of other women kissing his ass and it never changed anything. do you really think that before being radicalized they never knew a single kind woman? they were never friends with a nice girl? alt-right men's problem with women isn't just that they've experienced too many mean women and they need to be shown that women can be nice, it's that they think women are inferior and don't deserve rights and don't understand anything so you can do what you want with them. and it takes a lot more than being nice to show someone that you aren't inferior. this isn't a case of being nice even when it's hard for the sake of deradicalization, it's about spending every fucking interaction with someone trying to get them to see you as a human being with value and a functioning intellect while they just laugh and show you that's never going to happen.
i cannot stress this enough: random women are not just going out and Being Mean to men. ur average guy interacts with plenty of women throughout his life- close women amongst their friends and family, casual interactions etc. most people don't start out being shunned by women, they start out being treated as NORMAL. & when they show their disrespect in normal society, it isn't tolerated, but when they go to alt-right spaces (which they're pushed towards online) they're told they're allowed to be as horrible as they want with no consequences because they're entitled to everything. it isn't "women aren't welcoming and the alt-right is so friendly so i'll become alt-right," it's "women don't let me disrespect them and the alt-right tells me fuck them, do whatever you want, you're entitled to it all" and why would you choose the group where you have to be a normal accountable person when there's a group that will reward you for being a shithead who gives no fucks?
the alt-right can afford to be more friendly and welcoming because they can allow bigotry. this can't work the same way for progressive spaces because we can be as kind & welcoming as possible but at the end of the day we have lines where we have to say "this behavior/speech isn't allowed in this space," and for certain people, that just can't win against a space where you can be as nasty as you want. these posts always end with a disclaimer saying "of course being kind doesnt mean you need to tolerate their bigotries" but what they don't realize and what drives me crazy is that women not tolerating bigotry IS the "women are mean" that radicalized them in the first place. they perceive you pushing back on any bigotry or bullshit as you being a meanie and treating them like they're ontologically evil. the 'kindness' they need to be deradicalized is you letting them walk all over you.
idk what the answer is to deradicalizing them and im sure relationships are part of it but you can be as kind as you want and all it will do is destroy you ime. i cant stand to see people (who have never even successfully deradicalized any man by being nice btw they always speak in hypotheticals and not from experience) double down on telling women to do things that will see no results and only hurt them, especially when any woman who has tried can tell you exactly how it went
#being as nasty as possible & shitting on everyone while giving no fucks makes you popular in certain spaces. that's tempting no matter what#to immature ppl. part of growing up is learning that you cant do that and real relationships need you to not do that#but that sucks. you could just ignore it and join the alt-right to be a manchild forever#if ur an asshole who wld u wanna hang out with: ur wife who says please dont be an asshole to me or ur bros who say she's a hysterical bitc#& u did nothing wrong?#if u had a maga dad/brother/uncle & u heard the way they talk about women its never abt being mean lol#it's abt how women are hysterical & sensitive & get upset at everything they do#im so sorry but a normal guy (i know & am friends with many) doesnt simply become an MRA because his girl friends made 1 men suck joke#if a guy truly has no fulfilling friendships with women or girls to the point where some feminist group 'being too mean' can radicalize him#bc he doesnt have any kind women in his life to prove that wrong. he already had issues.#you reach a certain point in your friendship with these guys where youve been SO kind and so supportive and welcoming and played therapist#for ages and then they turn around and say 'im voting trump cuz i like his personality better lol i dont care about rights and that bs'#even if you can deradicalize someone by being kind thats years of insane unreciprocated energy for ONE guy#who will end up being the person who never posts abt feminism except to say i became alt right because women were mean so be nice girls!#nobody tells anyone else to accept full blown bigots in their spaces either much less BEFRIEND them#bc nobody is expected to do this kind of service except women. <3#eat ass.
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THEY DRANK OUT OF THE CUP!?!?! TOGETHER!?!?!?
edmonton oilers @ florida panthers game 7 postgame | 6.24.24 (x)
#gustav forsling#aaron ekblad#florida panthers#2324#playoffs 24#every new thing we learn that these two did together is so-#dman who swap spit also apparently stay together#freakforfreak#this dpair man...#just kiss already man that would be so much better than whatever this is 😭😭#alternatively when two cats try to drink out of the same waterbowl at the same time#they are shelter cats you cannot adopt without the other. a bonded pair if you will.#god i need more alcohol in me if im ever going to process this
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just a few javieran horse headcanons because i like them a normal amount
branwen
- tall AND fat. kieran makes sure he’s always fed (maybe even accidentally a teensy bit overfed. just because kieran can’t help but indulge him when he butts him with his head or nuzzles at his pockets when he knows there’s treats in there. but never too much because ‘obesity is a problem, even in animals !’). probably about 17hh, taller than average for a kentucky saddler but nothing too big. especially since kieran himself is quite tall
- VERY well-tempered, both naturally, as well as because kieran has literally made him bulletproof. bagged him, blanketed him, stood, jumped, backflipped onto and off of him. this kindly gentleman of a horse only spooks when he wants to be bratty specifically.
- i think he’s about 6 or so, came from the stables kieran worked at after being orphaned, he was just a colt when kieran was just a kid. kieran learned how to birth foals quickly, and branwen happened to be one of them. with the way that they fell in love with each other and the way that branwen whinnied and pranced up to the fence when kieran came back to buy him after the army didn’t work out, you’d think that horse was born just for him.
- his favourite treats, in order, are rutabaga (kieran’s secret for branwen’s glossy coat. also why he’s kinda fat.), boiled potatoes mixed into his oats, apples, and fresh greens. he’s simultaneously incredibly easy to please because of the simplicity of the latter parts of his favourites list and also very needy and complicated because kieran so loves to make his pony happy with his absolute favourite treats, so he tries his very best to get branwen’s eccentric tastes pleased once falling into the VDL’s.
- i always say “a horse’s favourite thing to do is hurt itself”, and i think this statement holds relatively true for branwen as well, though there’s a 25% chance that he’s actually hurt, a 50% chance that he’s only mildly injured or spooked and he’s playing it up to get kieran to dote on him, and a 25% chance that he will protect kieran with his life when they’re in a dire situation (see: snake on the ground or gunfire nearby. or even god forbid a spare tumbleweed find it’s way rolling nearby.) despite kieran’s last wish being his horse getting injured. branwen thinks that he’s gotta be The Man and protect his dad sometimes. it does not help in any situation ever whatsoever.
- branwen is the PERFECT companion for a trail riding date. he’s settled, calm, has a great gait, and as a gelding, truly is not worried about other horses being “faster” than him, so he never gets rowdy nor has any problems when partner riders/horses crowd him. kieran is allowed to ask for as many kisses as he pleases because branwen will never jump when javier’s gold-tipped boots poke him in the side and boaz irritatedly flicks his flank with his tail. truly a goated wingman. also never complains about long rides, and enjoys being out of camp with his rider for as much as physically possible for both of them, so he’s never barnsour in either direction.
boaz
- as an american paint, he’s naturally short and stocky. saddle ends up being a bit loose, though, as javier isn’t as dedicated to keeping him perfectly fed or groomed. he loves him, sure, but horses are somewhat of tools to him, so he kinda does slightly more than bare minimum to keep him kempt and healthy. around 14.5hh, slightly shorter than average and quite dense with muscle
- temperamentally a bit volatile. this horse has just as much drama as his rider, if not a little more. doesn’t like something ? ridden too long ? that stick looks too much like a snake ? hasn’t spent enough time with kieran that day ? he will snort and grunt and bunny hop if javi isn’t on him, and shudder hard enough the saddle shakes underneath him if he is. boaz likes to please his rider, but he also demands pleasure himself, and has no issue with “accidentally” placing a hoof on his owners nice, intentionally clean boots, and subsequently slowly leaning more and more of his weight onto it when he doesn’t immediately get what he wants. bratty pony. generally, he keeps javier safe, though, when it comes down to it.
- around 5 years old. after dutch found javier trying to steal chickens the first time they met, he soon took him back to that ranch and their first take as gang leader and member was a 1 year old grey paint colt for javi to train and subsequently ride. until he was rideable, javier rode a morgan that was formerly hosea’s, named carolina, while he lead boaz everywhere behind him.
- favourite treats, in order, are corn cobs (especially dried), prickly pear fruit AND cactus, sugar cubes, and sliced apples. will force javier to share his maiz with him. javier has always sliced his apples up since he was a colt, not only because javi simply finds comfort in toying with his knife, but also because boaz will not eat them otherwise. javi will also cut all of the spines off of the cactus before letting boaz eat them.
- in terms of injury, boaz is the most dramatic tank on the planet. this horse could arthur morgan-style run face first into a tree and then fall off a cliff and walk it off. but not before he gimps and limps and whines and teeth grinds his way into javier leading him instead of riding him for the next mile or two. once kieran started taking care of him, there is also a 25% chance of boaz faking a terribly painful injury just to get kieran to dote on him.
- kinda the worst wingman ever LMFAO easily annoyed, easily aroused, easily offended, and as a stallion, HAS to walk in front of the “herd” (his rider’s boyfriend and his horse). pins his ears back, smashes into personal space, flicks branwen with his tail (and preferably kieran, if he can reach him) even sometimes will nip at branwen if the latter tries to calmly make this date a date and not a life or death race (whoever loses, their dad is gay) and walk side-by-side to aid their riders’ hand holdings. will make executive decisions via stopping or veering off for fresh green grass beside the trail, will at points actively attempt to shudder javier out of his saddle (has succeeded once when javi was distracted by a story being excitedly told by kieran), and will also spook and take off running so fast javier thinks it must have broken his neck from the velocity. generally makes trail rides a living hell, but kieran finds it charming, and it makes for some cute shoujo-style “omg … *reaches out to help you up after your horse bucks you off because he saw a log that looked nothing at all and everything like a cougar and pink and white soft bubbles surround me* are you okay ? here, let me help.” moments. maybe some day boaz will be allowed off of the national american terrorist list written by javier “rizzless rider” escuella
ok im tired and that’s all i can think of please enjoy and feel free to contribute 👍 i love them so bad im gona cry
#i’m at the gym for the first time since my od and ouugghh i’m so emotional#it’s 2am aslo. ouu they haunt me#i love thinking about them being silly little domestic cowboys#and just going on dates and riding their little horsies#my fav horse girls !1!!11!1!1!! even tho javi isn’t a horse girl really but in my heart he is cuz kieran loves trail rides#and so javieran go on trail rides a lot as well as “’riding into town’ as an excuse to get out of camp together#javier is so good at listening he truly learned the art of shutting up when he couldn’t speak english and also was learning in america that#he really should trust sparingly because the new world was so incredibly hostile to him from the start simply for being who he was and where#he came from#so he’s such a great active listener and while it’s kinda a trauma response it also works very well for javierans relationship because kiera#has never in his life ever felt important or safe or like anything he said mattered to anyone so perfect brilliant ‘i’m listening go on’ jab#vier makes kieran feel so loved and heard in ways he’s never ever in his life experienced and javi takes them fishing and riding and to the#stables constantly because he’s LISTENED to kieran and kieran never has to ask to do something he wants to do because javi’s already HEARD h#im (and he also knows kieran would never ask for anything first ever because he never feels like he deserves anything at all. nor even feels#safe enough to dare).#and javier gets his cake and eats it too when kieran asks and asks and asks because kieran cares about EVERYTHING right from the getgo beau#se unlike javier kieran has been entirely unable to turn his heart off at all in any capacity so he loves and loves ans loves against his wi#ll so javier has been so adored from the start because kieran can’t HELP it so he gets him gifts and learns things for him and javi just as#much never has to ask for much other than courage from kieran. ever. can anyone hear me is anyone lidtening ouuu#ok enough sorry they make me so emptipnal#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#javieran#kieran duffy#javier escuella#text#hero's talking to himself again#hero’s waxing poetry again#i think that was the tag ¿#im gonna throw up i miss them so bad they’re everything to me oouuggyuuuy
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finally figuring out how to draw my fursona
#tigerbee#my fursona#tigerbees are an open species by tokyozilla and my old sona was already a tiger/bug hybrid so i felt like YEAH ill incorporate this#its such a cute creature i love big paw tinie feets#im taking some of my own liberties with him (making his features somewhat more tigery and also adding the extra finger so his paws have 5 )#i am strugglingto get that extra finger on the model tho i hate unity so much#they say not to mess with the bones on an already done model and they were right its hell on earth#i wish i could pay someone to do it for me but im such a control freak i gotta learn how myself#anyway rable OVER#my art tag
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ive decided im singlehandedly going to bring mr robot back from the dead because if any show deserves to have a revival in popularity it does
like.
can you fucking imagine the discourse??? the possibilities are endless
#mr. robot#mr robot#elliot alderson#darlene alderson#dissociative identity disorder#also i imagine id learn so much from other people#because like. theres a lot of moving parts and im hungry for others perspectives#i need people smarter than me to give me greater understanding#i strucktured this poorly#but im high give me a break#also getting to hear more systems talk about it would be hot#because i know its technically spoilers or whatever to talk about the dissociative identity disorder aspect but also#if you know anything about DID it becomes clear pretty fast in the narrative#also i already know most systems i see would not particularly enjoy the ending. i like it even though i do disagree with some elements of i#and found it to kinda speedrun the healing process#4.07 kinda facilitates that but honestly im p sure all that wouldve made healing take longer ya feel?
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john x fuuta ?👉👈 or 090309
I love the dynamic between them all, thank you for the request! I went with an earlier meeting for them (well, one of the first times Fuuta's aware of speaking with John, at least). As much as I joke about Fuuta being starstruck by his strength in the attack, I tried to take a more serious route for the "something to rely on" vibe.
John’s eyes flicked over Fuuta, sprawled out on his bedding and looking up expectantly.
“Man, you look like shit.”
Fuuta scowled deeper. “I asked for the reason you’re here in the middle of the fucking night, not your opinion.”
“That is the reason I came.”
Somehow, amid all the other things he had to worry about given the horror of the past few days and exile that followed, Mikoto had still found the time to lose sleep over Fuuta’s condition. John had always liked the guy, but he wasn’t in the business of watching over people he didn’t truly care about. He didn’t know what Mikoto saw in him to cause such an overreaction.
Though, with the futon dragged to the bars of the cell, and bathing him in the dim light of the guard’s tower, it was becoming clear that Mikoto’s concern was indeed warranted. Fuuta appeared deathly. The fresh injuries had been bandaged, but there were stains where blood was beginning to seep through. His eye – the one that had survived the ordeal – was bloodshot and rimmed with dark bags. His hair was as tangled as the rumpled hoodie it poked out of.
Fuuta was still staring in anticipation. It took John a moment to understand why.
“You recognize me.”
“No shit. Mikoto came in here like a fumbling idiot earlier today. He wanted to make sure I was okay or whatever. Like I’d be okay after what happened!” He paused, a clanging from someone else’s cell briefly distracting him. “But you… the way you carry yourself… it’s different.”
“Not that different. I’m here for the same reason.”
The plan was simple. Once Fuuta slept, Mikoto would relax, and everyone would be happy. If it turned out to be his injuries keeping him awake, John didn’t mind crushing Fuuta’s pride and explaining his weakness to the doctor to get more painkillers. If it was noisy neighbors, he’d teach one of those girls a lesson the following day. If the problem was just plain insomnia, well, John’s swinging arm was still completely functional...
“I just want to make sure you’re sleeping.”
“Don’t tell me you’re as disgustingly sentimental as him.”
John’s expression twitched. He didn’t appreciate the condescension. That was Mikoto’s most admirable trait, after all – offering help to others even when he was falling apart himself. He was so selfless, so self-sacrificial. It was no wonder John felt compelled to do the same for him. But Fuuta…
“Ugh, he’s always trying to be buddy-buddy with everyone around here, it makes me sick. Nice words don’t do shit. Look where his friendship with Kotoko got him, eh? That’s what these fools still don’t understand – you need to face these things head-on.”
“Oi, don’t be hard on me just for caring.” He didn’t say it as any sort of gentle encouragement; it was a command, and Fuuta understood. He snapped his attention away from where he’d been peering around the bars. “The world needs more people with that kindness. That optimistic view of life, of others, no matter what – it’s why I’ll do everything I can to save me.”
Silence stretched after the intense comment. Fuuta was looking away again, and John couldn’t read him. When he did speak, his voice came out more defeated than expected.
“Tch. Well. Not all of us have that luxury.”
“Of what?”
“Of you.”
His eyebrows raised.
Cheeks reddening, Fuuta hurried to add, “I mean someone to have your back like that. I wish I could be half as relaxed as that, but I can’t afford to let my guard down. I need to be strong myself, I don’t have anyone else to take care of my problems for me.”
It hit him suddenly, that everything came down to that. Relief washed over him, now that a clear, easy, (and nonviolent) solution had presented itself.
“What if you did? I could take over your little sentry duty for the night.”
“W-what do you –?”
He gestured to where Fuuta was laying. “No need to play dumb. You’ve been keeping an eye on everything, even the other side of the guard’s tower. The sounds from around cell eight have caught your attention. You’re positioned so you can see cell six, but haven’t moved all the way over, because cell ten has easiest access from the right.”
“The others would say it’s pointless, or that they’re handling it. I’m not buying it, though. I don’t care if they say it’s crazy of me to do.”
“I think…” John’s posture softened. “I think it’s very selfless of you.”
He was constantly amazed at Fuuta’s tendency to react to everything as if it were some world-shattering statement just told to him.
“So?” He prodded before Fuuta’s expression could grow any more wide-eyed. “How about it?”
“I mean… they told me about the attacks… what you did…”
John set his jaw. No matter how many times it had happened in the past few days, it still stung to see how quickly people turned against him because of the fight. He thought they all had come to terms with each other’s capabilities for violence, but as usual, the moment he showed his true face, the world turned against him.
Of course Fuuta could never relax knowing such a violent and unpredictable person was sitting right beside him through the night. It was a miracle he hadn’t panicked immediately at the sight of yet another cold, towering figure appearing at his door in the middle of the night.
John stretched his right arm across his chest. It looked like his original solution still stood. Fuuta said problems should be faced head-on. Surely he’d understand this was for his own good.
“…Yeah, okay.” Fuuta gave a decisive nod. He beckoned with a jerk of his head. “I trust you.”
“I –” John blinked. “What?”
“You understand me. You understand what it takes to be in a place like this.” His gaze flit away momentarily. “You’re incredibly strong. You’re prepared, and have good instincts, and your confidence is –" Noticing how intently John was listening, he interrupted himself to bark, “but don’t think I couldn’t handle this on my own! It’s only because you offered, and it’s a smart move. I’ll just sleep for a bit, we can take shifts. Wake me in three hours, okay?”
“Fine by me.” A little lying was definitely better than what else he’d had in mind.
Fuuta moved his futon over a few feet so John could settle into his carefully chosen spot on the ground. Everything was all set to begin keeping watch, until a new sound rose up to drown out the other noises in the panopticon – soft snoring from beside him.
He glanced over in disbelief at the instantaneous security Fuuta had sunk into. All the tension had melted away from his face and shoulders. He lay completely at peace.
John had achieved his goal. He should be celebrating. Instead, he couldn’t help heaving a heavy sigh.
How did he end up with two self-destructive idiots to watch over?
#milgram#john milgram#fuuta kajiyama#0309#030909#mikoto is mentioned to care deeply for fuuta but not tagging him#ive had this idea forever and it was so difficult putting it into a concise flow for some reason? so im super happy with how it came out!#originally i wanted actual dialogue about it being their first meeting but it took the focus too off topic#i imagine john has fronted before without anyone knowing he was watching and learning about them#fuuta would be freaking out about that being creepy and rude (isnt it polite to introduce yourself when you first meet someone?)#but john was glad for fuutas treatment back then#(and he also reminds fuuta that his own 'watching others from the safety of anonymity' habits werent that different...)#i know i wrote this as a change in johns mind about fuuta but i like the thought that he came in the first place because he already cared#then seeing how much fuuta trusts him (especially after everyone - including mikoto himself - turns against him) really makes him fall hard#also the fact that fuuta is the only one to see his strength as something helpful instead of scary#in my original draft john comes right at the curfew bell and locks himself into fuutas cell much to his dismay#but the cells locking got rid of the point of the fic lmao so fuuta had to be a little nicer in this version and let him stay willingly 😂#i liked the very purposeful show of trust though <3#i also love how much they relate to one another#john thinks fuuta has to deal with the same issues as him but also thinks he and mikoto are very similar in their care for others#mikoto thinks john and fuuta are similar in their approach to problems and communication and protection#meanwhile fuuta believes hes more like john when in reality hes more like mikoto - leading him to connect well with both#anyway sorry for rambling asdfsdf i hope you enjoyed! thanks for the ask!!#drabbles
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