#and if i am a burden to myself- so what!
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oh god,,,,,, oh god
it’s all about the
you are the only one who saves yourself. the only one saving yourself. you pick yourself up and are that steady hand that keeps you above water
and yet
and yet you are also dragging g yourself back down. you are not who you are without weights. without memory with casualty without grief without horror without tragedy.
in le poids de soi-même you are given the picture of humanity. the picture of selflessness and hope for a better future. in front of the main courthouse at the edge of the river there stands a man with another in his arms. and the man is strong, but not without showing some effort, as it would not be without fatigue to accomplish such an act, as save a man from presumably drowning as we see here. and the other man, weak, weary; barely clinging in to his saviour. but then you look a little closer. at the men. at their face. and you see. you see their face is the same. for they are the same man. and what does it mean? to be both your own saviour and your own burden? to be the only thing you’re hanging on to and the only thing dragging you down. and what becomes of it? because we’ll you’re left in a paradox. to let go is death. dooming yourself eternally. but to hold on? to persist to struggle to endure incessantly and carry on? at what cost? at what end?
at that is life, is it not?
#i don’t know#i was thinking about art and statues and remembered my 11ty grade french project that decimated me#is it better to live or to die#to struggle and save or rest and never find out#is it a rest?#hamlet#oh god#anyways#these guys make me emotional#that’s what it’s all about!!!!!#carrying your fellow man!!!!#even if that fellow man is yourself#and if i am a burden to myself- so what!#to what end must i question existence#might get these fucks tattooed on me#might not#wanna see them irl one day tho#le poids de soi-même#got all the angles for you fucks#also don’t bother this at all i’m just angsty and it’s almost 5am and i have work in the morning >:(
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kacchan really is so funny for being like BUT WHAT ABOUT BAKUDEKU CANON when he finds out izuku is quirkless
#bakudeku#bkdk#mha spoilers#bnha spoilers#mha leaks#he really is like WHAT ABOUT US#WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING WE BEEN THROUGH#izuku is such a Gabriella too he DO be running away from his feelings every chance he gets#what about US IZUKU WHAT ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE#WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS MANGA IF WE ARENT MARRIED#and Izuku is like oh no my baby is on too many painkillers hahaha he’s not proposing to me right now that’s silly#if he was proposing that would mean he loved me and I can’t accept that reality I’m too much of a burden#I can’t think of myself long enough to realize I am valued#two months ago Izuku was like :) I’m so blessed kacchan talks to me almost normally#how is he supposed to process he was just proposed to by that same boy#like he’s also just gone through almost losing him he’s probably like I’m lucky he’s alive and breathing near me#and kacchan’s like I LOVE YOU I WANT YOU FOREVER#Izuku is overwhelmed ok give him some slack
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ALSO I am learning how to teach very introverted students, something my natural skillset as a teacher does not help me with.
#one of my greatest tools in the toolkit of my teaching (imo) is that I am unpredictable#I will turn on a dime and I’ll share a thought from the depths of my soul or back of the pantry of my random opinions#that will make them laugh or hook them and they want to hear more#with a group of introverted students maybe they love to see it maybe they don’t but it doesn’t work for them to become engaged#they get so quiet and so still#and not in the good way that kind of happens but kind of just in the scared mouse kind of way#BUT. this past week I kind of had a breakthrough#I totally wasn’t planning on it but the moment was right so I talked to them about them being quiet and introverted (gently teasing them)!#and then I said ‘but do you like it when I just stand here and talk about the book’ and they were like ‘yeah! kind of the pressure is off’#and then I said ‘oh! that’s good to know. because when you’re quiet it makes me feel like you hate me’#(not realizing until I said it that that was the heart of the issue)#and they laughed in surprise (i didn’t say it in a way where I was putting that burden on them in a serious way)#and then I said ‘yeah last night I went home like ‘omg was that a stupid thing to say about Frank Churchill?? no one responded’#and then they kind of shriek-laughed at me and they were like noooooo#and then they said what if we gave you a thumbs up when you were done so you know we don’t hate you#and I said that would be great#and THEN a few days later I gave them an agenda for our discussion written out on the board#where I talked and they listened (I called it discussion with myself) and then they had questions to ponder and things to talk about#with each other. and a lot of time. and THEN I cold called them (they won’t volunteer)#but by that time they were so much more relaxed and they knew what we were doing#so they talked more! and it was so goooood#ALSO idk if it was them#or me who had changed but by the time I got to lecturing at them again#I could feel the quiet warmth that I could not before#(the absence of which is what makes speaking publicly instantly a torture to me l o l)#and it helped so much! like. they didn’t say much (some of them did the thumbs up)#but I had cleared the expectations for them and for me tbh and it helped. I was not waiting for a response from them so in fact I got more#of one. and best of all I could feel them feeling both the warmth and the power of Emma a little bit more#it is starting to click. anyway this is so much but y eah#I’ve been wrestling with this problem a l l year. cracking it in December lol
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I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc
#And to be clear I have nothing against therapy. I’ve seen it do wonders for other people#I think the reason it’s a point of defeat (just a little) for me to be like ok. I need a therapist. Is bc I’m admitting to myself that I#need one to begin w. And I get it’s not healthy but I always liked to think I could handle anything by myself#That was even the whole point of this blog. It was supposed to serve as a conduit for these feelings#And I’m not saying I don’t have a support system. I do. I have many wonderful friends#But I struggle to be vulnerable at all tbh and whenever I am I’m guilty ab it bc#I understand so many people have busy lives & I feel like an emotional burden on them by venting#Despite them telling me that it’s totally fine. Obvi a therapist is literally paid to listen so no guilt there#And I think that’s what I need#I’m not like on the brink of a psychotic break or anything but it’s just little things. I think it’d be nice to sit in someone’s office for#One hour a week and just go. That did bother me actually. I am tired actually. I do feel that way actually.#Rather than just burying my feelings w school and a busy schedule#I don’t think therapy will make me any less of a workaholic anytime soon but it’ll at least allow me to slow down one hour a week#And also not bottle shit up so fuckin much#But ya all of this is to say I’m drafting the email to her RIGHT now .#Starting the day off strong by oversharing on tumblr dot com
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hot take? i don't think blurryface is going to be "defeated" by the end of the lore. he might be the villain of the story but at the same time he's a living part of tyler as well. i think they'll win, but not completely eradicate the existence of blurryface. they might suppress him, or learn to peacefully coexist with him, or outgrow his influence or whatever - that's the "managing the tension" part. we also have to keep in mind that tyler is still struggling to some extent with his insecurities and vulnerabilities (though he's gotten much better ofc) and i think that aspect will be reflected in his art.
besides, they've said that some people might not like the ending, which insinuates we won't be getting a perfectly hunky-dory happy ending. i also don't think tyler is the type to give this kind of story a sunshines and rainbows type of closure.
the core message of twenty one pilots, although it has certainly evolved over the years, is that it's fine to be not okay, but you must fight for your survival. i think that the lore ending will leave us with the message that broken as we are, we have to stay alive AND push on through - and before you know it, you'll be in a much better place than when you first started.
#i feel like ive said this before so apologies if it sounds repetitive#i just had to get it out#and to add#i was in a godawful fucking state when i first started listening to tøp#but i am doing much much better now#i have friends i have a job i graduated i function fairly normally in life#but that doesnt mean my blurryface is gone#i still struggle and some parts of me feel perpetually broken#whats comforting though is that my ability to regulate my feelings and life have gotten much stronger#sometimes i do feel like ive relapsed and its terrible#'ive been praying for my elasticity to return to the way that it was'#but when that horrible moment passes i realize that i actually have become better and stronger#i keep myself alive and push on through#im still working on learning to lessen the burden i put on myself#and coexist with my blurryface#but i am getting somewhere#sorry for babbling and venting but what i wanted to say is that#i relate to where the trench story is going and itd make sense for blurry to still be there by the end of it all#just with less power over tyler#tøp#twenty one pilots#clancy#blurryface#my god these tags be so long lmfao
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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i can't stop listening to the 'purpose is glorious' track from this season's ost and thinking about how lovely the title and its meaning are. it's just such an amazing underlying theme in this show, and - while i do have criticisms about some of the choices made for the series finale - i really do feel the writers wholeheartedly delivered in sending that message home. for me personally, loki's ending is so gratifying and a large part of that is solely from viewing their arc's conclusion with the perspective of this theme in mind. to have spent years watching this character i hold very dear to my heart struggle to find belonging, to feel as though they matter and there is reason in their existence, finally get a chance to show - and recognize - their worth was so, so rewarding. and honestly, i think the message behind the phrasing of 'purpose is glorious' is all the more meaningful because of how loki's arc finished. yes, the outcome was bittersweet; yes, we're left knowing loki didn't get the happiness they undeniably earned after everything they'd gone through. it smarts something fierce to know their journey up until they deviated from their timeline and became a variant, as well as seen their eventual intended fate. the ache is only worsened after witnessing everything that happens within the TVA and the entirety of loki's character growth leading up to a redefining moment where they willingly choose to undergo a nightmarish amount of time in the endeavor to do the right thing. of course we want them to emerge victorious when they've struggled for so long, but that's not the point. loki's final moments are them forfeiting their right to a happy ending to preserve the stories of others because all stories matter and should inherently reserve the free will to be written; as sylvie says, loki makes their choice so their loved ones and life across the multiverse still have a chance to belong somewhere and embrace their place in the world. the take away is that even burden can be glorious. even with all the hardships of life - all the inevitable heartache, disappointment, and grief we encounter just by being alive - we have meaning in our existence. there is meaning in the trials we face, and the suffering we endure in order to overcome them. our pain gives us purpose; it gives us the ability to love, to grow from and for each other, and choose to sacrifice our happiness for the benefit of another. loki's purpose was forged in the bonds of those they met in their time at the TVA and the sense of value they gained from their companionship. their sacrifice perfectly conveys how the human capacity to love is one of cosmic greatness, which can ultimately surpass our instinctual desire to preserve one's self. we can move immovable mountains and challenge insurmountable adversity in behalf of the ones we love and their welfare. if that isn't an act deserving of glory, I don't know what is.
tldr; loki's purpose is the friends they made along the way = as the saying goes, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'. or: our own lives have purpose because of the connections we share with others, even when we are met with great loss.
#also this just shows the depth of love loki derived from knowing mobius and how they were changed for the better because of it#how mobius' initial - and repeated - acknowledgement of their potential is what gave them the necessary tools to rewrite their destiny#when loki first watches their fate on the sacred timeline their devastation is palpable; they now know they are meant to die -#at the hands of thanos after failing to save their brother -#after losing one last time#they see their final fate and know they were never meant to win; never to reach the respect and admiration theyve been chasing all this tim#but they're given a second chance at an ending - one they can be proud of and has meaning#and they SUCCEED; they ascend and take the throne not for power or control or even glory but because of the people they care for!!!!!!#loki accepts their burden with grace for the benefit of others; they escape the harrowing demise once preordained for them -#and while they mourn what they must leave behind they are fulfilled by the triumph of saving EVERYONE this time#the parallels between their sacred timeline ending and the finale's makes me way too emotional i am not okay#i have so many thoughts about the ost guahahauffh ignore me#i am obsessed with this track specifically like i want to write even more meta abt the significance of being used during mobius' last scene#okay these tags are way too long i'm shutting up now i'll see myself out#txt: icarus foaming @ the mouth analysis#char tags:#god of stories and faking death#peepaw from outerspace#loki meta#lokius#loki s2#loki season 2#loki spoilers#loki series#marvel#mcu#loki#Spotify
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womp womp
#to delete#i hate this fuckass country#I hate that I so strongly feel the need to disappear into the ether#I hate that I know the answer to this feeling is reaching out but if I feel like a burden that makes it worse#I hate that my mental state is apparently so fragile that something that should be expected fucks me up this much#I hate that I’m so tired of feeling useless that I overburden myself to the point of exhaustion#I hate that I unfairly compare myself to everyone around me#I hate that I can’t even write. that’s literally all I’m good for#I hate that I can’t just set aside my issues and work and instead start spiralling at the slightest inconvenience#I hate that I can’t do anything right. what’s up with that#surely out of a whole 23 years SOMETHING should have gone right but I am not convinced#I hate that at 23 I’ve never been in a relationship. for a hopeless romantic this is DEVASTATING 💀#I hate that there’s so much evil in this country that I don’t even know how to protect my friends from.#I hate that people can’t be trusted to make the right decisions#I hate that I’m essentially powerless to do anything in the face of this#I hate that I truly mean nothing. gotten real tired of saying it’s cool and fun bc it’s NOT#I’m exhausted. someone take me out back pls
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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tomorrow-me: I'd really appreciate it if you could drag your arse to the grocery store so that I won't have to get up early tomorrow morning to do it you know?
now-me, wrapped in a blanket with tears in my eyes: but I'm just a baby?? 😭
#listen i am so so so so so so so so tired 💀#my landlord's coming for a visit at 11 tomorrow and i have nothing to offer him#but i'm too tired to think about what to buy for the weekend (for myself)#grocery shopping was a burden as it was but then they shut down my nearest store (200 m from my apartment)#and now the nearest one is just far enough so that i don't wanna go there just for a pack of coffee and biscuits#i'm so tired i just had to check how to fucking spell 'biscuits' 😭😭😭😭😭😭#feeling slightly better now that i rested my eyes a little and drank a glass of water and ate a clementine#but i don't wanna goooooooo it's cold and dark and i don't know what i want to eat during the weekend 😭😭😭😭😭#it's times like these i hate living alone / being single because i can't just ask someone to go to the grocery store for me#i should also clean up my kitchen and bathroom a bit#i know i'm so brave for doing shit like this all by myself but sometimes i really hope i wouldn't have to#sorry for whining about my little life on main lol pls ignore#i need no advice (but sympathy would be nice. an encouraging headpat even)
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I'm so fucking tired I already think the holidays are Bad why does everything around me make them Worse
#just. i just want it to stop#i just want to not feel constantly bad#im always either too tired too angry or too sad and im. struggling#i truly wish that killing myself was an option. i know it's not. it hasn't been for a while but I'm so tired i wish it was still#in the last. idk l. 3 to 4 months I've cried at least at much as I've done in the last decade i don't have energy for. a lot of stuff#i just wish things were idk if easier i just wish there were less shit to worry about#i truly wish i could just die. id just add way to many burdens and issues for others that i know i can't do that to anyone#. but i wish i just could. i don't want to deal with anything anymore#... idk it's 2 am and stuff keeps happening no matter how much i try to. just be at least a bit okay i fucking can't#I've been relapsing which like i know it's bad and doesn't help but crying didn't make me feel better either#i truly just. feel or of options at my current state of existing#and trying to find a different one. it's not host complicated. doesn't feel possible. idk#idek what I'm saying anymore#.. it's a post ill be surprised if i don't end up deleting them#it. whatever.#my posts#bc every one in a while if i feel too much like shit i check other times i felt like shit#bc what the fuck is this tag if not me being patheticly sad
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Why am I so unapproachable? If I try to be open and friendly I'm told I'm overwhelming and annoying, and if I try to play cool and aloof I'm told I'm scary and intimidating. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Really, when was the last time anyone talked to me outside of obligation? What am I doing wrong? I've tried time and time again, stepped out of my comfort zone, taken chances, played nice and still I look around and find I never grew out of the little kid locked away in their room. The door is open but nobody enters.
#feel like such a fucking burden. they all can say they love me and im not but i know i am and i always have been#i just wish someone would hurry up and put me down. i wanna isolate cause it's safe but im so desperate for attention that its impossible#i wanna quit my job. i wanna start making plans. i dont wanna see new year#im so tired of feeling undeserving. what can i do to feel worth it? im not even worth it to myself#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized#personal vent#actually obsessive#social issues#social isolation
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Minor thing that really irks me is when people treat the femc route in p3 portable as like the lesser story or like it’s a fanfic where nothing that happens in it is the “true” canon like. Bitch. The femc and everything that happens in her version of the story is just as canon as the male protagonist and everything that happens in his story. And there’s literally been so many fucking versions of p3 at this point like the base game, fes, portable, the movies, stage plays, reload, as well as spinoffs and manga and they all do things differently. I don’t see anyone acting like the base game is more canon than, say, reload so why do they do this with portable? Why can’t the (infinitely superior) version with the female protagonist just be respected for five fucking minutes goddamn
#persona#persona 3#kotone shiomi#its the misogyny yay#but god i am so tired of her game being treated as not actually canon like it literally is#theres multiple canons dipshit there is no true version of this game#and also people saying she doesnt fit the theme or some shit like. she literally does??? and honestly she does it better#like you can really feel the love she brings to the group and how she gives everything life and helps everyone#but also just how it all comes with pain she smiles and befriends everyone but shes always been so deeply alone and she doesnt want anyone#to feel the pain shes felt and so she carries all those burdens on her own and when everyone goes to reach out for her#its too late far too late shed sacrifice herself over and over for these people and theyll never once see her cry#she also you know. actually has good social links and gets to know everyone not just people she wants fuck#so you get to see just infinitely better versions of every character with her she really does bring out the best in them#and another thing in particular with the disrespect of her story is the way shinji living is treated again just like#some kinda fanfic au by someone who didnt wanna cope with their blorbo dying like ughh#shinji surviving is just as canon as him dying there is an entire canon where he gets a happy ending and it is once again#much better than versions where he dies like ive. exhausted myself with explaining it but its just better#so yeah basically out of spite i like acting like kotones story is actually the one true canon#and when people mention stuff that isnt in her story im like ‘huh? what? that didnt happen’#cuz whos gonna stop me
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#this is me just screaming into the void#but this week has been hard. like one of the hardest weeks I've had to get through in the longest time#tues was my great grandma's 12th anniversary of her passing#wed I got the news that a friend passed away suddenly#thurs was my late father's birthday#fri was that friend's funeral but I can't go#and there's a whole host of other things going on in my family now that I cannot put out into the internet just yet#personally I'm just so so tired#I am not spiralling. At least I don't feel like I am. but it's been so hard#I cannot turn to my family because of whatever's going on right now#I can't really turn to my friends just yet because my emotions are still percolating#my only consolation and also burden is that I will be away for a wedding soon and after that my last big trip for 2024#I feel so spread thin right now#I actually sat in the car with my sausage McMuffin crying to Hao's Haicheng and Woozi's What Kind of Future this morning#it's the first time I cried like that in a long while because I rarely let myself get to that point#idek why I am writing this#I think I just wanted to scream into the void for a bit#gab irl#thing is with the friend that just passed; he was part of the party crowd I used to run with#we are all kinda spread all over now -- some moved back to their own countries; some married and moved; some with kids...#we haven't partied together since before the pandemic#we kept talking about wanting to link up soon and catch up#I had even been thinking about him lately#and now he is gone and I do not have the place to pour my grief and my regrets into
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Nothing pisses me off more than when people talk about my friendships with mid-support needs autistics and other people with differently-wired brains as if I am descending to help them because I’ve taken them on as a charity case. That is NOT true. Oh they’re a burden because they’re neurodivergent? WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT: SO AM I! THE REASON I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS WITH SO MUCH SHIT WRONG WITH THEM IS BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT WRONG WITH ME. WE ATTRACT EACH OTHER! WE LIKE EACH OTHER! IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND!
#How about I just start strangling ableists from now on?#Would THAT convince them I’m actually this person’s real friend?#Literally nothing I say to them is able to get through their dense fucking skulls—#as if it’s sooooo hard for them to believe I actually enjoy their company#Also (halfway unrelated): if I hear “It takes a special person to work with special children” one more time I am going to SCREAM#Tell me I’m calm; tell me I’m patient; tell me I’m creative— do NOT tell me I’m “special” for doing a job I LOVE#Can you imagine telling a quantum physics major “It takes a special person to solve special math problems?”#😂💀 WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’m gonna start saying that to people from other professions. To see how they like it.#The children are not a burden to me; the children are very enjoyable to be around#and I enjoy troubleshooting what is preventing them from learning and coming up with workarounds for them#I made a glued roll of paper for a kid who constantly peels their skin because I saw them peeling crayons#It works!#I made math problems into a Skibidi Toilet role playing game for another kid who hides under tables when it’s time to work. It works!#You know why I was able to come up with either of these inventions? Huh? You wanna fucking know?#1.) I peel my lips and mouth and palms of my hands and calluses and cuticles and scabs; and#2.) I have awful executive dysfunction and have to do weird stuff to engage myself#People talk to me like I’m one of the “normal” ones; little do they know I’m getting assessed for ADHD and score 142 on the RAADS-R#and I essentially self-destruct when I get mad so I don’t break valuable items or punch through drywall and oak doors#I give myself bruises that swell a half inch high and form hematomas under the skin#I think I’ve permanently weakened the blood vessels and a vein in my right thigh from beating it so much#because it only takes one well-placed blow on my right; but several blows to my left#And I can see the bruise pooling towards my heart along the path of that vein from day to day after the initial beating#and sometimes it just randomly aches when it’s not injured; so I have to shift my weight when the kids sit in my lap wrong#so with that and something else I did to it not super recently that I should have gone to urgent care for… I probably have nerve damage lol#so it’s gross when people say such things about other NDs to me as if I am above them#Just fuck off already
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it's been a rough week tbh. having three days off honestly exhausted me more than energized me. that piled with a ton of OTHER shit i won't get into bc it's just stressing me out even more, and...
fuck. i've never felt so fucking incapable and simultaneously proud of myself.
#greyrambles;#not snz#idk what to do half the time but#i think i really need to learn to keep parts of my life private#which is hard bc i don't see my therapist that often#and sometimes i really REALLY just wanna burst out with everything so i info dump and lbr#nobody ever really cares or gives a shit and they aren't obligated to#like my friends obvs are treasures to me but i also don't wanna burden them with my constant negative thoughts/feelings#journaling helps a little but#i'm just tired of feeling like a disappointment for not knowing how to properly manage my fucking life#i'm so tired of being told i'm not doing enough#i just want to be enough#and realistically for MYSELF I am#but i take other people's words to heart so so easily#how do you not do that lol
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