#and idk. i dont think that matters so much. i can make that myself if i really want to... im not paying all of that
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okay, bc i have seen this argument alot now (and it also seems to be the view point of aonuma himself..) is that "zelda cant do everything link does bc whats the point then"
and i take personal offense on that bc its a stupid argument (in. my. very. personal. opinion.- not judging people for liking it. its a ME thing)
whats the point? its that its her. its still a different character, different in story, background, personality, but i WANT to play zelda and she can do everything link does, why does she have to be so restricted and be bend over backwards to find some new way to make her 'useful' when link gets to do basically everything no questions asked (the only thing thats hers is like .. sealing power and sacrificial maiden, which i find a little underwhelming to say the least), if theres no point to it why are there always modders that model swap link with someone else, and in that case it has even less impact bc its an artificial model swap with no changes to the story (which can and should still be different when its the vanilla game with a different protagonist... its still a different character), clearly theres joy in just the model being a different one- and that isnt even to mention the story possibilities, since, again, its stil a different character
if we ever (never ... i know who we are talking about here) get to play as ganondorf i want to him to be just as versatile and active as link is, if we got a point and click adventure game for him instead bc 'whats the point' id be disappointed too- you can find any sort of excuse/explanation for zelda to be singled out but the fact remains it tracks with how female characters are often treated, and that hits a very sore spot for me
i guess i am unfortunately one of those annoying people that want to see female characters be treated exactly the same as male characters, possibly bc i am myself afab but identify as agender and have a deeply personal dislike for anything 'traditional' feminine bc i cannot and never will be able to truly live as myself in real life, it influences all of my work, my work is as just as much as my opinion on this, very personal
and in line with my point about modding, i see theres joy in just beign able to play as her even if its like this, i get that, i also get it for the creative aspect (though that mechanic worries me even more for the future bc it really seems to be the path now that -freedom = good, linear anything = bad-) it is a different idea and its not like i cant see that value- im not trying be "right" either, just bc i have that opinion doesnt mean i need everyone to agree, its a very personal thing, if you like it good for you! not for me though, and i think both of that is equally valid
i just personally wish she was allowed to be just like link, fight just like him but be different bc its still her and not him in the end- to be physically/playstyle like jsut like him, but you know ... as her, i dont think shed stop being zelda if she could wield a sword just like him
i dont really know how to get my point/feelings across, i dont want to step too much into personal stuff nor spam people with something that ultimately doesnt interest me alot, im just saddened by it really
(EDIT: bc i forgot to add this on here again; this isnt as much of a problem as it might sound like here, just the main topic i wanted to talk about; why im so uninterested in it is MAINLY bc i dont trust them to write anything interesting/care about lore anymore after totk, im always on the more pessimistic side that thinks its most likely worse than id hope and i know even the past games arent perfect or super interestingly written, but now its much more just a general distrust, together with everything like the price ... im just much less hopeful and cant get excited until i see more of it, like im waiting for the game to get out and reveal that its just as much of a mess and money i regret spending- kind of fear)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#person that send an ask about this in just as i was writing this- this isnt about you- i promise you#its soemthing thats been stirring in my mind since yesterday#and seeing so many of those comments- and even aonuma himself say it#just strikes a very very personal sore spot#also to that one commenter on a different post-#no- wanting female characters being allowed to wield a sword is not “badass female character mysogyni” (idk how to spell that rn)#the hollywood badass female character thing is annoying but thats bc-#its a super model woman (bc shes ALLOWED TO BE FEMININE you KNOW) fight people in high heels- bc you can be feminie AND badass-#and then does a cringy one liner 'what you thoguht a FEMALE couldnt kick your teeth in'#which comes with alot more baggage of tropes and hollywood etc etc#i long for the 'women are jsut as capable as men' in a very agender way#why do you think i intentionally design alot of female characters non tradtionally feminie or masculine#again this is a very pseronal thing to me#BUT i do think it IS questionable that its her that isnt allowed to fight with a sword#like i dont think thats much of my personal dislike there- but a valid thing to point out no matter the explanations you can come up with#anyway- i dont hate it- but its not for me- i dont want to talk much about it#i hope you can excuse me not answering the asks i got related to this- id just repeat myself#(i guess i should be glad that its the top down one that gets her as the protagonist-)#(i dont think i want to live through seeing her be animated like the typically girly feminine butt wiggle in your face tehehe)#(the botw/totk cutscnes were enough of that for me PERSONALLY)#i dont know how many times i have to say its my very biased personally personal opinion and no a judging of others#to make it clear that no one has to agree with me and i dont want to be convinced of the other opinions of this
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mcdonald goodsir talking scene but its like an hour bc i just would like to see them talk more
#oh fics i must write things i must think#not to imply im not giving my two current fics my all i just am doing varying degrees of brain power on writing#i want to do a refresh on my one college gothic course bc i'm going to be doing ghosts in my next#multichapter fic where idk if this will change talk about things i need to pin down but#i think it will be collins crozier and eventually tozer who are able to see ghosts and they exist but i'm#going to be keeping it where generally ppl don't think this is real at all slash like#idk the spiritualism movement etc is like our real world but the thing is ghsots REALLY DO exist i guess osrt of just furthering#the yes and of tunnbaq actually eating these guys souls#but i also dont know what else im changing bc like rn its just like ok everything the same but i get to describe how to certain characters#its MUCH worse actually like imagine tozer seeing irving in camp only for him to later see his body being brought back idk#i think im gonna combo i tmaybe with the one wild thing i started back when venus in furs had me GOT#where tozer makes his own mutiny but ugh we shall see#i'm considering letting manson also see ghosts idk man i know this fic cant to everything but im also like#oh tee hee i can write morfin and collins and oh tom hartnell is here and of course tozer#and then new we are also saying fuck it and adding crozier which opens#lots of things#ENSEMBLE CAST CURSE YOU like looove this show but why are there so many guys#if i want to write a sick and cool fic i have to think about too many guys and then i shoot myself in the foot by going#yeah ok..... and what if we explored so much in this one thing#says the guy who also has to go through hoops to write terror fic sorry i forget my roots#i act like i didnt fucking make fictional show mickey's sister the same as his real life one and made her a lesbain in high school#LIKE MY BROTHER IN CHRIST it doesnt matter#i guess its just bc i worry i dont get these guys and again theres too many of them#like what if i write c#well they are all fictional#anyways i shouldn't put in the tags so much if you read this im giving u a kiss
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wdym by "see" them? Do u have that thing where u cant see pictures in ur head?? 👀
oh, yeah, I mean I can see vague shapes but there's no color and it's like blurry and tunnel visioned at best
I can "taste" in my head pretty well and hear in my head even better though!
I think it makes me more satisfied with my art, because anything I draw will always be the only way I can see it... I've never struggled with the classic artist pain of it "looking so much better in my head" I'm always like oh hell yeah it looks so cool now that I can see it!!!
I also think it's why I have so much desire to draw. I have a lot of ideas in my head, and I want to make them real! I want to see them too!!!
#I can imagine movements#so when I think in sign language for instance I think in like... the movements that my hands would be making...#rather than what the signs would be looking like reading them...#and when I imagine a scene its like. dialogue..? and movements#so its like he walks in andd then he says this thing#and my brain is extremely spacial#so when thinking up a piece I sort of look around and know where things might be#but it's just me labeling them#I don't really see anything#it's like when imagining an apple I look at the top of the brain space and go 'stem sometimes. brown or green. leaves sometimes.'#not really seeing much idk.#idk people talk about this a lot so I've thought about it a lot#but honestly it doesnt really matter to me...#it does in some sense in the same way any way of learning about myself is nice to do#but I just mean I dont think using it as a point of comparison is really all that helpfup#or considering pros and cons#its just how I think and it is what it is#and it works for me and I've made it work for me#and I love my brain and how it works. besides like the anxiety and whatever stuff#but thats not my brains fault that we're sick#anyways.#asks#edsheerankinnie
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laalalalala another vent post because i have no therapist to pay for listening to my bullshit
#i just dont fucking get it lol#like i genuinely just cannot grasp the concept#i dont usually do this but i finally snapped and asked her if she thought about how *I* would feel when she texts me#about the 'letting herself go' and how she's disgusting and a monster. and she hits me with a 'no because this is how she feels#she's feeling really really badly so that's what she's thinking about atm' like ok??????????? is this like. normal?#because no matter how horrible i feel at any point of time i will ALWAYS think about how my words may affect the other person FIRST#because the last thing i want is to make someone feel worse because i feel bad. there is a constant calculus party going in my brain#where i try to calculate how much and in what words i can tell say to this particular person to absolutely minimise the chance#that they'll feel bad or uncomfortable or whatever because of what i say. ofc i will slip up and miscalculate every once in a while#shit happens and i am sorry if i do but at least i can honestly say to myself that i did what i could to Not do that.#i will always think about the other person first because (usually) id like people to return the same action towards me.#and idk maybe im tweaking here but isnt that like. normal???? like the obvious logical thing to do they teach you in kindergarten?#sorry. heavily catholic upbringing moment but what happened to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'????????#anyway. obviously there will always be slip ups and unusual occasions but to openly just state that because you were feeling really bad#you didnt really care what the other person would feel when you tell them something is fucking WILD to me. like genuinely inconceivable.#this is not to assume a holier-than-thou persona but i really do think this is the normal fucking thing to do if you're an adult?????#like oh my god sometimes you will just have to shut up and not fully vent upon someone especially if its uninvited and out of the blue#i think its different if you're having a heart-to-heart trauma bonding moment or sth and someone *asks you* to vent etc etc#but to just treat every instance when you're feeling bad as a permission to just say whatever with 0 consideration for the other person???#wild. really fucking weird to me that's all.#✨tumblr vent posts✨ dont count ofc you are not only allowed but legally required to say the deepest most horrible batshit insane thoughts#that ever cross your mind <33 like i would not tell a person irl that i daydream about the woodchipper thing obviously cause its fuckn nuts#uwu teehee episode 2137 of 'i dont understand the way the world and other people work and its driving me insane lol&lmao'
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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control#unrelated#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio#i meant rip lol
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I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops
#m thinking now and im like#i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything#in genuinely so long#and i was like kinda becoming ok w it#my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it#part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me#deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care#im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao#my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me#and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me#like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok.#he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when#he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time#and he was like yeah bc you are worthless#and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao#i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something#nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol#m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should#vent
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#im seeing a new psychiatrist next week.#&when i prep for specifically these types of appts its really important for me to like. sit. w myself. &bleed lmao.#metaphorically. of course. lmao.#but its a process thats important to me bc like. i dont. want to go into an appt like this unsure about my goals#&ESP unsure about what about me i. dont want. to give up. defective or not. something can only be a mistake if it isnt useful.#whether its a cause or effect or nature or nurture doesnt matter in the end. theory isnt relevant when talking about actual impact#except for comparison which is ultimately the goal w these periods: me now vs me post-intake lmao. what makes me. idk. me?#what cant i live without? what cant i live with? what am i willing to have diagnosed&dissected&medicated?#the new doc is bc this Bad mania stint has been. bad. lmao. &it isnt making it easy to see myself thru a lense#that isnt super fucked up&broken. idk if im thinking too highly of myself or being too self depricating.#idk if anything is worth keeping if the goal is supposed to be. settling? i dont think im made to settle lmao.#my physical health would probably be a lot easier to manage if i wasnt. oh. batshit insane. lmao. so i cant fault the hypothetical.#but also i dont think i was. made. to settle. lmao. the anxiety i get when my skin feels too tight is too big a part of me.#idk who i would be without the constant. hunger. lmao.#i feel absolutely everything in extremes. obsession is like. my default setting. its also what i operate best at.#both my fear&my hope is having that. disappear. having the intensity simmer down permanently.#i am. ravenous. lmao. i can never describe this constant. feeling. w/o referencing v specifically hunger. lmao.#i know it probably isn't like. healthy. lmao. but this feeling of. intensity. that makes up like the backbone of my whole personality.#when its gone i feel. nothing lmao.#maybe its bc ive overloaded myself so much that not feeling EVERYTHING feels like not feeling. anything. lmao.#maybe its bc i. dont want. to go back on lithium.#i dont like. who it makes me. or the fact that it comes out at times like these where its easier to knock me out than deal w me#so they inadvertantly make it impossible for me to do the evisceration i need to get myself back together. lmao.#also i just. dont like not feeling. lmao.#this glorification of coldness&apathy&individualism to the point of toxicity is so. boring. to me. lmao.#i dont want to not feel. i would rather feel everything than nothing. i would keep my obsessive personality&my obnoxious intensity#if it was a choice between that or floating in a constant state of half disassociation where it isnt even worth my time#to go out&find trouble&be my favourite type of selfdestructive. lmao.#im rambling&also being horrifically overdramatic lmao. if i survived one round of the stuff i can sure as fuck survive more.#... i just would prefer not to. lmao.
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"spock is allowed to fall in love with women" have you considered he's not. have you considered that. there's someone you forgot to ask - me.
#howies log#this is MOSTLY a joke#as a tos head for the majority of my memorable life#let us just say#i find it increasingly and incredible hard to reconcile myself in anyway that spock would willingly engage in a relationship with a woman#sometimes i think maybe not even men either and that it was only ever jim#i just think its not true like based off evidence#aos i am disgruntled with for many reasons but i think i can forgive that in that it is an alternate timeline etx#etc#but snw idk man im happy uhura is a lesbian cuz she was always fruity to me (at least i think this is the case?)#but otherwise im just like have u considered that i dont believe spock would engage sexually with anybody because of the complicated feelins#he has about himself and his life#and also he is not straight .#it is honestly a fuckng crjme to me#tpring and his relationship being changed bugs me a little too#i like that she has more screentime but thet couldve kept that without chsnging it#i know i sound like a grumpy ridiculous old man#and its like there are many thing i can forgive or forget about#and i love that they keep giving spock ridiculous siblings thats my favourite thing#so its not even that i am particularly resistant to change#it is just the matter of doing this much change to a character who's pretty much like set up already#i would have to actually watch the show to determine how i feel properly#but i honestly dont think i could cope with it not being my spock again u know if that makes sense#and i so looked forward to rebecca romjin (is that how u spell her name) as number one chz i love her#to me doing this to spock .... its idk its a bastardisation of him#like hes hot and we all want to fucj him but come on guys....#but i also in deep seriousness i do understand that people still view straight as default and therefore in their minds spock straight unless#proven otherwise#or they genuinley might just see him as loving women#which is also fine
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idk as the price of things go up i find myself often going "oh, well im sure i can just make that myself for cheaper then..." instead of footing the price. do i actually go through with making it myself? often not. but idk. a bagel with cream cheese should not be worth 4 dollars. an egg cheese and bacon in a tortilla should not be 3.50. i can do that myself.
#this applies to people trying to promote foods too..#saw an instagram reel yesterday about these little pellets that were just a bunch of dehydrated vegetables ground into little balls#and the lady promoting it just went on and on about how it was so good since its grown by this little farmer in korea (?)#and idk. i dont think that matters so much. i can make that myself if i really want to... im not paying all of that
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whenever ppl ask me what my type is (or even like. what celebrities I find attractive) I have a rly hard time pinning it down for them bc things like familiarity actually factor in a LOT for me so I don't tend to immediately recognise whether someone I've never seen before irl is hot or not. actually if we wanna get properly into it the reality of how attraction works for me is that I fall in world-rearrangingly devastating love with someone and my "type" then redefines itself accordingly as a category of ppl who remind me of them in specific subtle/less-than-subtle ways and the imprint of that sticks with me forever so whenever I find someone instinctively beautiful I'm always just seeing the ghost of past loves in their face or the way they hold themselves. but I can't explain that to ppl bc I feel like it comes across weird and a little creepy so I just laugh and tell them "well its arbitrary, I'm just attracted to ppl on an individual basis! um and also ayo edebiri is sooo gorgeous" which is true
#I mean it makes total sense bc there are some ppl who mean so much to u that just seeing them triggers ur oxytocin like crazy#so of course being reminded of them when looking at a stranger is going to manifest as attraction#most of my friends are genuinely jaw droppingly gorgeous to me bc i have such strong affection for them how can i not find that there!!#there are definitely some celebrities I consider pretty/handsome. but as an aesthetic quality not from a place of attraction#its like looking at a nice wallpaper pattern or smth#idk. having a definitive answer for what i find attractive doesnt especially matter to me bc its such a fluid thing#in the same way that having a distinct sexuality/gender identity doesnt matter to me either. i dont really like boxing myself in w labels#I mean I like using words like dyke and butch as a shorthand bc they point in the right kind of direction. but theyre not exclusive to me#I feel like this world constantly tries to interrogate and label things in a way thats pretty unnecessary tbh#like I get that having categories is important to some people. but not everyone yknow. its interesting to think abt tho#language will never be succint and perfect enough to define an entire human by its own nature!! all communication is a proxy measure#anyway im extremely tired. yes this is somewhat related to prev tamino post btw bc I was thinking abt how he looks like someone else#peace and goodnight on planet earth#.diaries
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I am thinking very very hard abt the toy world guys and oh baby I love dropping in disturbing lore bits that are just sorta dripped into the actual plot and otherwise are not explained <3
#rat rambles#oc posting#I rly want to build this world in a way where the worldbuilding does exist and it does effect things but you still dont get to know abt it#and I especially rly want to hit this balance with the new choice lore Im cooking rn because its that sort of thing I think is more fucked#up the more that is left to be implied or completely untold#Im still figuring out what I want that balance to be though especially since I ultimately don't Need to tell basically anything#so its more so a matter of how much Im willing to risk putting on display for the sake of implying less relevant stuff#because its fun for me to know that the ripple of this event was far larger than any of the cast will ever know but idk if I want the#hypothetical reader to have that experience too or not and if so to what extent#because ofc I dont want to make it too obvious what this ripple looks like and what it may have impacted#and there is smth fucked up in its own right if I Did just fully keep all that to myself#and this does matter because I am toying around with the idea of committing a bit harder to this story and making it a thing one day#nothing is guaranteed but I do really Really like the story Ive been building here and I think it'd be fun to make it real someday#not anytime soon but one day maybe#maybe I could use it as my next step after spiraling upwards? we'll see.#speaking of spiraling upwards I'm planning on rescripting some stuff and continuing to work on the script soon#I am starting to have a clearer vision of what I want to do for the first chunk of the story#Im also deciding wether I keep the original prologue or not but Ill keep procrastinating on that one for a bit I think#the current prologue is intentionally kind of irrelevant to the rest of the plot but Im starting to doubt myself on if it's a good choice#Ill probably end up reworking it at least a little bit though if only to better establish the main plot by a bit#because its Technically kind of relevant the pov just isnt paying attention to the relevant parts#so maybe I can have her pay a smidge more attention for like a page or two and then call it good#anyways this does mean I will have to give the toy story a real name unfortunately :/#sighhhh. I hate naming stories soooo much.#maybe I can just pop open a random word generator and see what calls out to me
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Bro i am so fucking stupid sometimes
#what is even going on how am i becoming a physicist#i have so much dumb in my head#im also smart in my head?????? but its not consistent and evenly spread through all the areas#im going into the same field as albert einstein whattttt#i think im over gifted child ego but its maybe just lurking in my subconscious#but im okay with being a dumbass now i can admit it to myself#GIRL IDK!!! what am i actually i dont think it even matters#im just thinking about how i hopped out of one cultish thing at 12 right into another and didnt realize for 8 fucking years#literal stupid fuck in the head behavior. i know i was a teenager i knowwww but i could make the mistake again#its okay to be a teenage stupid fuck i still love my past self with all my heart#its the first day of my period im having mood swings i think#my posts
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having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.
#ow.err#IN WHAT WORLD ARE MEN PAID LESS THAN WOMEN.#like. i shouldnt be surprised he said that bc he watched and/rew t/ate and jo/e rog/an so like. of fucking course he'd think that.#but like dude. you have no idea what youre talking about.#and there is NO WAY im gonna even try to tell him otherwise bc he is. loud. yk.#im just gonna. leave that there. bc its not my responsibility to 'fix' my parents as much as id love to try.#its just not my responsibility. and itll prob just end in me getting screamed at anyways since they wont listen to me or anything i say#cuz im still a kid in their eyes ! ! ! !!!! ! ! so cool ! ! ! ! ! !#almost 20. father doesnt think i know how to wake myself up w/o being woken up by someone else.#SO INSULTING BTW. i always get up on time. no matter what. nearly 20 and he thinks im a fking child still#both my mom and dad do but my dad does it in an 'underestimating' me way and my mom does it in a 'tries to overly coddle me' way#you know? i dunno. i dunno. i wanna move out but money is so fked rn. and idk how to do like. anything. so im just...#gonna do my classes and try to get a nice job and save up for awhile before i actually move out to my own place#im also kind of scared bc idk if ill have the. will to care for myself once i move out. like im worried ill just let myself die#sso. things to. work on before i get out of here i guess. but the thing is this environment will not let me heal. ahhh !!!!!!!!!#the only way out is through!!! through and scared!!!!!!!!!!!! tmrw marks the start of my life potentially starting to change. for the bette#but still changing. and oh man. im very nervous. its scary#cuz like. i didnt think id live past like 12 ??? so to be almost 20 and very behind on 'adult things' is. scary?daunting?#it all almost feels unreal. like im reaching a part of my life i never thought id actually reach. it feels like ive been living on#borrowed time since 12 so now im like. damn i have to live dont i. i have to actively make this life worth living now#some days i still worry itll be my last but ... im just gonna try to take it one step at a time. its all i can do.#be as prepared as i can. and take it one step at a time. i clutch onto the hope that my life will get better#and i clutch onto it with an iron grip. because damn it. it has to get better than this. it has to.#wow this got derailed. oh well my poast my rules.
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also being short in the western world is fucking humiliating and not even in a compare your appearance way. its the fucking constant lack of fitting clothing because your proportions are so fucking short because you total up to fucking FIFTY FIVE!!!! 55 inches ONLY
small sized clothing will usually still have 4-5 excess inches for fucking standardization IM NOT THE STANDARD IM A STUPID SHORT ASIAN IMMIGRANT JUST LET ME HAVE SMALLER CLOTHES WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY
#this is a very personal problem and i wish i could complain more but i dont have theq energy and all i have are tears#but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders#cant i at least fucking have some actual short people pants please. please. i have to geqt shit tailored or start doing mods myself but#I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ITS 2023#i literally want to die tonight so i can stop being a burden on my bfs bc i can feel it i can feel how taxing i am and i know i shouldnt be#thinking this but like. i cant stop. i make it hard to be my friend i make it scary to be nice to me all i wnt to do is attack bc im hurtin#but thats not. gonna make me feel better in any way but thats not gonna stop the constsnt impulse in there to just start screaming#and its worse knowing thwt no matter what route is taken ill still get angry. or maybe i just want them to be angry about me already so i#have an excuse to get wngry back and idk. feel catharsis through that or something#idk. i hate my stupid brain and i hate my stupid ex for making me hate it more#im so angry and i have no one who is comfortable enough to deal with that so instead ill sleep earlu @#idk i hate differences they make me fixated on all the ways i can get angry about it so idk how to deal w that#i have so much to compare + i cant say it bc if i do then theyll be conscious abt it/theyll know its smth that just adds .1% to anger meter#ugh i think were hoing to moms this Christmas and while thsts nice i dont. have the emotional capacity to confide in her#i only want my mom. but i cant tell her any of this bc theres nothing that she csn even do#other than just throw money at me for support#i hate this#original#vent
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since you guys liked my idea so much here it is: WAYS THE NRC BOYS WOULD MAKE YOU WORSE
reader's personality is based more off of in-game yuu than anything? this set of hcs is a bunch of hypotheticals basically. this can be read as platonic or romantic idk each guy is written as if they are the closest person to you, friends or otherwise.
IF YOU SEE A TYPO NO YOU DONT
mentally preparing myself for the "i wouldnt do that!!!!!" comments...and post.

Riddle increases your attentiveness to the rules tenfold. No matter how meek you are, he makes your voice strong—and oh boy does it carry. You’re yelling at people for running in the halls, chastising them for not doing their homework, and opening your mouth wider when you speak. For a school full of troublemakers like Night Raven, the entire student body is so disappointed there’s another Riddle.
Trey makes you more passive, less likely to speak up when you see something. He’s always stood back in the shadows, watching over everything without saying a word, and it’s seeped into your personality, too. You’re spineless now. This world is unfamiliar, why should you try to do anything? You’d only stand out. You don’t want to be outstanding. You want to be as normal as possible. So you stand back.
Cater gets you wrapped up in the hype of social media. It started out as a way to indulge his interests but now you’re on Magicam all day, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. You send things to your friends and say “hey, we should do this” but never make any actual effort to connect with them outside of that. You fall easier into jealousy because you’re surrounded by glamor.
Deuce makes you reckless. He’s so willing to throw himself into things and it spurs you to do the same, no matter how many times your teachers or potential upperclassmen tell you not to. You can’t hear anything but Deuce and his yelling, his enthusiasm and terror for whichever situation you two find yourselves in, knowing that you’d follow him anywhere.
Ace makes you all the more prickly, your sharp jabs and irritating smugness a product of spending too much time with him. You two are two peas in a pod, but to an outsider you two just seem...irritating. You have a talent for getting under people’s skin and have definitely gotten better at lying.
Leona thinks its so cute how you try to defend him at every twist and turn. Like no, he is as dastardly as everyone is saying. Why are you trying to deny it? You’re suddenly seeing reason in the most massive ego-ed people this side of Sage Island and Leona honestly doesn’t know if he should be concerned for you or be amused because of you. (This one in particular was inspired by @loser-jpg LMAO)
Ruggie could have made you prioritize yourself more, but you think he took it a bit too far. See, now you’re snatching cafeteria items and worksheets right under people’s noses, giggling as they demand you give it back. Sometimes they don’t even notice you, but even if they did you’ve learned how to be lighter on your feet.
Jack and you are incredibly uncooperative people (unless you owe someone, of course.) He’s guided you away from asking for help, insisting that the people here will take advantage of you then turning around to say that he doesn’t care, he just doesn't want to get wrapped up in your mess. It’s like you can’t trust anyone but him and your Heartslabyul friends anymore.
Azul has given you one nasty sense of perception, allowing you to key into every little detail and find loopholes in the things people say in a second. He’s turned you into a deadly asset, one he treasures just as much as the student body fears. You read over his contracts and point out what you would do to get out of them, and he adjusts accordingly. What a fine team you two make!
Jade makes it clear that his morals are less than savory, and will often encourage you to partake in things you really shouldn't. You rationalize it as Jade helping you go after the things you want, to finally take and take and take from people when you’ve been so selfless all your life, because it's what you deserve isn’t it?
Floyd will often rope you into his schemes, and it's not wrong before you start doing the same. Once a model student, attending every class, you now skip class and watch with amusement as Floyd threatens another student, hiding your smile behind your hand. They may plead for your assistance, but who are you to stop Floyd? This poor soul clearly owed something.
Kalim instills you with a sense of jealousy and helplessness. He has money to solve all of his problems, his life must be so easy. You’ve lived through so many overblots and received no help from anyone, but Kalim has always been so kind and generous to you. It makes you resent him a little, and anyone else who tries to help, because they all have things that you don’t and that's just not fair.
Jamil twists and bends your mind so much that you can do the very same thing to others. You’ve caught onto his little game and he knows it, eyeing you with anticipation whenever you speak in the same honeyed tone he uses when he wants something. You’ve gotten scarily good at hiding it too, shooting him a smug grin because you know he knows, but nobody else does.
Vil brings out so much confidence in your abilities it’s borderline arrogance. You know you’re capable, so why doesn’t everyone just let you handle this? You can do it, they can’t. So they should just step aside. You’re not doing it to be mean, so why are they getting so annoyed at you? You’re just better.
Rook has some eccentricities, and you’re well aware of them. They put you off at first, but now you’re used to him. It just seems normal now. You’re not sure why everyone makes such a big deal out of his tendencies, that’s just how he is. He’ll stalk you, hunt you down, but he’s having fun! Don’t spoil it for him!
Epel is actually the perfect fit for NRC, you think. He’s a troublemaker, he’s stubborn, and he’s so, so angry. But he’s right! Why should you respect people who claim to be above you? It’s so irritating that they walk around with those annoying smirks on their faces. You two should do something about that, don’t you think?
Idia has a very specific way of talking that can not only be confusing, but can also irritate the hell out of people. Of all things you could pick up from him, you picked up his smug jabs and insults, accompanied by a tooth grin and a laugh. It’s unnerving how much he’s rubbed off on you, a true testament to how close you too are much to the chagrin of the rest of NRC.
Malleus finds so much delight in being your bodyguard, your most trusted companion, that he doesn’t even bat an eye when you use his magic for your own gain. You’ve gotten soft, molding to whatever shape Malleus wants you to be just so he won’t leave. You’re helpless without him, only he has the will and the magic to protect you. So won’t he please stay?
Lilia has a way of dodging the truth, putting a smile on his face even when he’s hurting. It makes you think that, if he can do that, why can’t you? Lilia is smart, he knows how to go about life, so you should follow his lead and bury your problems until they’ll never see the light again.
Sebek has done nothing but berate you for being human since you met him, and even if you’ve gotten closer to him over the course of your stay in Twisted Wonderland, you’re starting to think he’s right. If you had magic, if you weren’t human, you’d be more powerful. It’s a fact. You could do so much more if you weren’t so weak.
Silver has made you complacent. He takes each step carefully, protecting both you and Malleus, so why would you need to protect yourself in any capacity? It’s so nice, having this safety net. If you could, you'd rely on Silver forever, never facing the cruel realities of the world that are blocked by his strong arms.
#auburn's fics <3#disney twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#twisted wonderland#twst x reader#disney twst x reader#riddle rosehearts x reader#trey clover x reader#cater diamond x reader#ace trappola x reader#deuce spade x reader#leona kingscholar x reader#ruggie bucchi x reader#jack howl x reader#azul ashengrotto x reader#jade leech x reader#floyd leech x reader#kalim al asim x reader#jamil viper x reader#vil schoenheit x reader#rook hunt x reader#epel felmier x reader#idia shroud x reader#malleus draconia x reader#lilia vanrouge x reader#sebek zigvolt x reader#silver x reader#twst silver x reader
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