#and id hate to feel like i was taking that from them when i can manage 90% of the time just fine
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bed chem
warnings; uhm sex lol? oral (male and femme recieving) very whorish thoughts, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it pls pls pls), brief mentions of bruising and hickeys, dirty talk. breeding kink if you squint
p. 1 | p. 3
word count; 2295
summary; jj and you have always been able to get along as long as it was in a nice comfy bed. what happens when you start to wonder if your chemistry goes beyond that?
divider by: @bernardsbendystraws
im being so for real when i say id let jj do just about anything he wanted to me.
and im not even being dramatic.
the second i can feel his lips make contact with that spot below my ear and his hands leaving finger prints on my hips, im a goner.
i dont necessarily know what it is about him specifically, and saying its our chemistry feels so icky to say but i dont know how else to describe it.
the way he hooks his thumbs through the belt loops on my shorts? like right now? yea im soaked already.
"mama you've been teasin me all night with that fucking idiot of a date- dont gotta do that baby you just gotta ask me for it."
"jj less talking more tongue."
"yes mama," he smirks up at me from his lap, his lips going back to my neck.
i have to interrupt him because i simply cant keep this shirt on my body. unfortunately i did have my cakes on so he just had to chuckle at them
"jj weve talked about this! they aren't funny!"
"baby theyre boob pancakes for your nipples its always gonna be hilarious."
" 'always' as if youre gonna see them again. how confident."
"sweetheart you say that every time. just let me give the girls some love and enjoy it, yea?" with that he starts peppering kisses all over my chest, his hands pawing at both of them.
"jesus-" the moans that come from my throat are honestly embarrassing but hes just too fucking good at this. he knows every sensitive inch on me.
its like he has me fucking memorized its insane. he feels insane.
and it doesnt help that he loves eye contact. i hate admitting that it flusters me, i dont want him knowing it takes everything in me to keep half of my dignity when he has me like this.
my fingers find the buckle of his belt doing my best to blindly work it off of his waist desperate to get whats under his pants.
im not ashamed to admit that.
"someones eager tonight," he pulls off of my chest with a noisy pop sound, smiling that signature cocky grin that i love to hate. "you gonna tell me what you want?"
i push him back onto the bed so i have easier access to his belt, more so his dick if im being honest.
"i want you to stop talking so i can get your pants off. why dont you work on that shirt for me baby?"
"well since you asked so sweetly," he chuckles throwing off his cut off while helping you get rid of his shorts. "only if you put your shorts on the floor next to mine."
"thats such a weird fucking thing to say jj what the fuck?"
"what? i thought thatd be cute."
"youre so freaking weird," you roll your eyes sliding off your shorts throwing them in whatever direction. they land next to his
jj sits there, head against the pillows watching me. i cant help but feel uneasy, im aware that i have no reason to be uncomfortable and that hes seen me this way plenty of times before but theres something in his eyes that makes me feel like hes drinking in every inch of me and its a but unsettling,
"youre so pretty. cant get enough of ya. ever," he gestures for me to come closer with his fingers before snapping and pointing to his face, "park it pretty mama."
"jj-" i start to interrupt him but he refuses any rebuttal.
"uh uh. weve talked about this. youre gonna sit on my face and im gonna eat it as much as i please. cmon now dont be shy. it doesnt suit you."
blush eats away at your cheeks as you crawl forward closer to his face, gripping the headboard for stability.
"im not shy."
"then act like it baby. now let me taste you, wanna warm you up good for me," and with those last words his arms wrap around my hips and he pulls me down so my weight is on his face.
the second his lips make contact his tongue is READY to work, and let me be clear he knows where the clit is okay? Sucking, licking, even nipping he does it all so fucking good.
all while looking up at me as i use his face like a damn chair.
my hips are desperately trying match the pace of his tongue, i can feel his nose rubbing against my clit giving me the best kind of friction im looking for.
oh my god and when he moans into me?? im done. finished. totaled. i cannot stop the sounds im making.
my legs shake beside his head, and hes staring up at me so smug, so proud of himself like his ability to make me cum was ever in question.
"see? so good for me mama was that so hard?"
i cant even get the words out, still clutching onto the headboard catching my breath. "jj-"
"ive got you dont worry," he picks me up by my waist and twists us so hes now hovering over me. "ill make you feel so good i promise."
"jj- i-" i try to take a deep breath and gather my thoughts, none of them holy obviously. "just gimme a second-"
"awe, someone overstimulated? already?"
i close my eyes and take a deep breath, because yes i do get easily overstimulated. "dont be a dick-"
"i havent even pulled it out yet."
"oh yea? lets see what you've got to say when ive got you all up in my mouth huh? lets find out baby."
i move out from underneath him and lay my head off the edge of the bed, looking at him with an excited glimmer in my eyes and my tongue sticking out.
"holy shit-" i giggle watching jj practically fall off the bed to take his boxers off, fumbling to do so. "are you serious?"
"yea jayj im serious," i say through a few laughs. "now cmere. remember you dont gotta hold back. i can take it."
"oh my god- shit. mama you keep talking like that and im not gonna last."
"i dont wanna talk jj i want your cock in my mouth," and with those final words his boxers drop to the floor. and i can see how ready is, honestly it looks painful. and i wanna make him feel all better.
my hand finds his, pulling him closer to the beds edge. once his length is over my mouth i run my tongue down his shaft, taking him into my hand and pumping what i cant reach.
"you ready for me baby?"
jj doesnt answer, he grabs my hair and tugs my head down further having me open my mouth before stuffing me full.
i can hear the groan he lets out, its guttural. and hot as fuck.
my tongue slides along his length almost asking to pull him in deeper. but he keeps still for a moment, gathering himself so he can continue.
but i know my boy. hes not gonna wait much longer to be inside me and i have no plans on arguing about it.
after a minute his hips buck forward a bit. "you good mama?"
and of course i cant really respond with his dick in my mouth. so naturally i try to take him deeper, urging him to move his hips again.
his grip on my hair tightened as he buried himself as deep as he could and slowly pulling back out.
poor guy is torturing himself! i havent even done anything, and he knows he doesnt have to go this slow.
he keeps his rhythm slow and steady, and i can feel the anticipation in his muscles restricting himself so i give his thigh a quick tap letting him know to pull away.
"jj you okay? you can go faster."
he lets a groan fall from his already pouty lips, "mama i cant handle going faster. need to be in ya when i bust."
i cant help but chuckle at his admission.
"oh baby. shouldve just said somethin. how you want me?"
i love making his eyes roll to the back of is head. but not like that weird anime shit. you know what i mean?
jj jumps back onto the mattress, back against the headboard patting his lap. "you know i want the girls all up in my face sweetheart. cmon and give me a good ride."
"yes captain," did i always say that jokingly? of course. did he always take it seriously? absolutely.
i climb over his lap, letting my knees rest against the bed sheets.
"youre still on the pill mama? or you still like the idea of me puttin a baby in ya" he looks up at me with pleading eyes, praying i am because he knows that means ill let him in bare. so fucking pussy whipped. i love it.
"jj you wouldn't be in this bed with me if i wasnt, now are you clean?" i have to ignore the baby comment because yea i really really really do.
"if you really believed i wasnt you wouldve have just tried to suck out my soul."
he does technically have a point there. "cant think straight when youre just standing there you know that jj. cmon are you clean or not?"
"youre the only one for me sweetheart. hop on, please. im beggin ya. need you so bad mama its killin me."
"'s gonna be a tight fit. 'm already so swollen down there."
"jesus," his head falls to rest on my chest and its like he all of a sudden remembers i have tits. peppering kisses all over my chest before wrapping his mouth over my nipple as i line him up. "baby you dont even know what youre saying. what its doin to me. got me so worked up im not gonna last long."
"good thing too because neither am i."
letting my weight lower onto him we moan out in unison, grabbing the hairs at the nape of his neck i hold tight as i let the sting of his size settle.
i do adjust rather quickly, seeing as hes been inside me plenty times before.
rocking my hips to start slow, i press small kisses on his hair as his grip on my hips tightens. part of me hopes i have little finger tip bruises tomorrow. they always show through my swimsuits. jj cant get enough of them.
"shit baby i need more.. cmon you can take it. its alright im not goin no where. give it to me."
fuck does he know how to talk me through it.
i raise myself a little only to leave a small drop, increasing the pace with each bounce. because holy shit he just hits that spot every damn time. sometimes i legit wonder if his dick was made for me.
then i roll my eyes at how fucking whipped i sound.
"yeaaa thats it mama. you keep that up, just how ya like it," thats the last thing he says before his thumbs starts toying with my clit and his mouth is once against attached to one of my breasts.
jjs the only guy that ive ever told that i need something else when hes inside me. never once made me feel insecure or guilty about it. in fact, i kind think he loves that he gets to play with me more.
"holy shit- jay- jay im close... you there baby?"
i can feel him nod against me so i move faster, harder, whatever i can do to chase that high im so desperately close to. and i can tell hes close to, hes got a little twitch whenever hes almost there and it feel soooo fucking good. takes me right over the edge.
"yeaaa gorgeous thats it. want me to fill you up? want me to make you my real mama?"
my head buries itself in his neck, covering it in small kisses to muffle my moans as i finish all over him.
and he's not close behind, thrusting up to meet me as i ride out mine, finishing just moments after me and i can feel him covering my insides.
and dammit if i dont wanna feel this way forever.
"so fucking good mama. made just for me i swear..." he mumbles against my chest leaving little hickeys as he catches his breath.
after a minute of just holding onto each other he slowly lowers me to the bed knowing that my legs feel like jelly.
he presses a kiss to my cheek before headed to the bathroom and grabbing us a wet washcloth. he rubs it over my thighs and my stomach and neck before cleaning me up carefully, knowing it helps me cool off afterwards.
"thank you jayj... always so sweet."
"shucks mama dont worry about it, you know ill always take care of you."
after cleaning the both of us up he grabs his muscle tank he was wearing before handing it to me so i can have some coverage while i sleep.
"want me to go out on the couch?" he wondered. always so thoughtful.
"dont be stupid. climb on in big boy."
his stupid sleepy smile is so freakin cute, i hate it.
"night jj."
"night sweetheart. love ya."
i know he says it every time. every night in fact. so why when he tells me that does it put a pit in my stomach?
and just like that, with his arms around me, hes peacefully asleep and im wide awake wondering what the fuck im doing.
#fic recs <3#dic recs <3#jj maybank need you by my side#mdni#my writing <3#jj maybank fics#jj maybank smut#jj maybank imagine#jj maybank x reader#jj maybank#short n sweet
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Every Boromir hater makes my enormous love for him grow stronger. Sorry you couldn't understand him, I get him tho and we're holding hands and the whole of Gondor is laughing at you
#lotr#boromir#tbh i think id actually have a good time chatting w a boromir hater if they knew and understood the material but still hated him#cuz most people who dislike this man do because of very shallow reasons#'he was upset looking down at narsil' one can only wonder why that has baggage for a gondorian and the stewards son#'he didnt accept aragorn at first' yea i bet when a dirty ass ranger claims the throne of a kingdom without having lived there#when your fam took care of it for several generations it doesnt feel super great and you Might be a bit upset and worried about it#'he tried to take the ring from frodo' despite disagreeing w the councils decision he still earnestly followed them to destroy the ring#and he only fell after weeks of traveling as the ring whispered to him threats of destruction#one that unlike the rest of the fellowship was already Actively happening and had been happening for a long time#you see ur cities fall and people die everyday as the 1st line of defense against ultimate evil and we tell you not to use a perfect weapon#while said weapon tells you yes it will fix everything just grab it go on boy#and echoes words your father has been pushing onto you all throughout#it feels like people just have no sympathy compassion or understanding for all he's gone through or for the power of the ring#deep breath. im ok#im normal about boromir and my heart doesnt shatter at every rewatch of his death#id have followed you my steward.
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thinking about kab and the thing about her i think is she knows just enough to keep herself safe Generally but not enough to really predict what would happen should something more... complicated??? unforeseen??? idk whats the right word to use but something not covered by someones reputation and/or vids happen, believe it or not this also affects her view of clownpierce (we'll get to that)
for example, mapicc has a reputation for being an violent, angry, & impulsive guy and nothing else which makes sense but is incredibly surface level and something that only really works if you dont have a lot of experience working with him
another is reddoons, his betrayal after the base incident while shocking is not unforeseen but his reputation as being a guy whos seen as being a reasonable person whos fairly loyal to his team made it seem like something he wouldnt do even tho it absolutely is
regarding how it affects her view of clown, since he isnt perfectly aligned with his reputation she instead pivots in the complete opposite direction and forgiving basically every crime he does even tho hes something much more mild and complicated than either his reputation or her view of him will ever be (think madonna-whore complex which is especially obvious when it comes to kabs vs woogies view of him)
another side effect of this Just Enough amount of knowledge aside from being blinded by her own expectations is that it frustrates ppl who think shes oversimplificating things (like me and seemingly several other tumblr users as well) especially when she claims that shes objectively correct and the smartest in the room at any given moment
how this roughness in her analysis affects her in the server still has yet to be fully seen but we do still have at least a couple months until the end but 'til then shes just gonna keep stumbling as more and more complicated situations pop up as is typical in lifesteal to happen and eventually shes gonna have to learn to adapt or else she'll be suffering the consequences one way or another
#mine.txt#analysis#ig. this is very rough tho and is more just thoughts than anything#but i wanted a tag so i can get back to this later to see how right or wrong i am#another thing that affects this is the cc/c divide which is something she likes to take control of#one of the ways it manifests is that she likes to go in and out of it frequently which can be incredibly distracting#esp if youre someone like me who wants the lsers to just. be themselves and get immersed in whats happening around them#and it doesnt help that her and her character can have Very different feelings on a situation#basically the cc/c divide or at least how kab likes to use it affects the way she acts because shes got an idea in her head already#of what to think of the other ppl in the server which makes her inflexible when unexpected things come up#as opposed to when shes just being herself reacting to things#which is unfortunate but i think reflects on how outsiders vs insiders view lifesteal#the reality vs expectations of the audience are so incredibly different esp if you only watch the vids#so much so that while watching kabs vid my initial reaction was that she wasnt as big a ls fan as i originally thought#then realized no this seems like the exact sort of thing id expect from someone whos only seen the vids; particularly of the pvpers#(specified pvpers cause only watching the pvpers vs other kinds of players on the server are Very different experiences)#tho the thing about kab is she Does have insider knowledge!#.... mainly from ppl who dont log on a lot (ash and clown and maybe squiddo)#so naturally thats gonna give her a biased view of how the server works one way or another#the exception to this would be zam telling her about eclipse federation but i think either she doesnt know or severely underestimated#just how much lying; manipulation; keeping secrets; and yap sessions built on incompatible motives and morals happened#that made s4 the way it is not only in game but outside of it as well#''we're at our best when we hate each other irl'' - reddoons according to zam
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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the bs going on in my life is so horrendously terrible im going to (remembers suicide jokes just serve to help make me more suicidal) kill the authoritarial figures that i once truly knew and loved and trusted that i can no longer offer my true love and trust to due to the harm that they have dealt to me and those that surround us, ultimately allowing those that have been affected by their prejudice and oppression to be free even at the cost of willingly trapping myself in a death timer.
#i couldnt remember how the original joke went word-for-word so heres a shitty paraphrasing of it#ultrakill#yeah this is about gabriel#mel/tav/fugo/marcy rambles#suicide tw#long tags#vent#its also (in a joking way) about how shit my life is atm#i might be physically seperated from my mother but she still demands i stay in contact with her and i just. i cant do that#i hate her. i really hate her.#and i feel like if im going to really get anywhere in life i need to drop out of college and get *Away* from her#because she's too much of a controlling force in my life and she refuses completely to relinquish any of that control#so that i might have any of my own independence#i feel like i need to do something drastic and sudden if i want to live the way ive been longing to for so long now.#which. in my case. id be moving in with one of my online friends across the country#taking as much as i can with me and heading over#ik that might sound bad but ive known them since i was literately 12 and they were like 15 when i met them and i dont trust anyone else#as much as i trust them#and they could wait for me but i Can Not Fucking Wait. i need to get out of here#im sick of waiting for year upon year to get out of this hellhole and get away from my parents#only for me to be unable to really do that.#i just need to break the connection in its entirety.#god. ugh. sisyphus and mirage and gabriel ultrakill please grant me the strength to do this.
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ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back
it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it
#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly#i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep#bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking#and i dont want either of them to get poisoned#but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink#but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me#and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin#im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently#what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry#except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything#sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible#if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way#from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted#i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders#they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there#but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside#so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with#no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk#im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!
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Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart
#summer camp tag#ace is a mess#i do not have a drivers license and i havent even been behind the wheel in like 4 years since i stopped lessons cus of the pandemic#the day was going fine i got loads done didnt feel like i was irritating my director too bad#doing some paperwork for her and she says when im done well take the golf cart out while its not currently raining#im like ooh fun never been in a golf cart before i see the higher up staff in them im not gonna say no to chilling in a golf cart#i did not realise that meant i would be driving esp when she asked if id been in one before and i said no#she then asked if i could drive and i said not really thought that would be it#cus i was supposed to be studying for my theory before working towards my practical#but no she insists im driving and first off i gotta reverse outta this bay now at least i didnt have to think about gears#but i hate tryna figure out how to turn whilst in reverse in mess with my brain im not great with shape visualisation#we do all our stops its fine for the most part a lil too fast going down some of the hills#and some tight turns but my turns were always like that cus im too busy focusing on the most immediate thing#we get back i park fine and then shes like oh actually there are some more stops we can make so i reverse and turn back out#do our two stops with only minimal confusion about direction then as i go to park into the bay we came from#shes like oh actually park in the bay closest to the health centre and what i should have done was reversed and adjusted my angle#instead i drove directly into the supporting beam separating the two bays 🙃😭#i immediately turn the cart off and expect her to switch with me instead shes like laughing it off oh it was just a little bump it was fine#im like it was not that was a loud ass bang i feel so bad and then she lifts up the light cover i broke off saying its just a scratch#and i feel worse so pf course thats when the camp director comes out to check on the noise and i dont think ive ever worn a guiltier look#but theyre both laughing it off oh just having a little driving lesson :) and i am mortified#she gets back in the cart and shes still insisting that its fine and i should still park after that which i do with great trepidation#but there are no more problems and the lights still work but the cover does need fixing and i just oh my god#ive never crashed before never clipped or scratched a car so of course id crash the golf cart trying to park of all things 😭
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also its so dumb that one of the arguments ppl have against a sims 5 is that theyve already invested too much money into 4. like yes its fucking scummy that ea charges so much for dlc and its Ludicrous the amt sims 4 costs if you have all the dlc and its going to keep getting more and more expensive but . to be honest . why are you paying for sims packs. im sry
#ik not everyone can pirate i get it and its your money do what you want#but itis your choice to invest so much into like. a sinking ship DJRNFJFNG. idk....#i want 2 be optimistic and believe that somehow they WILL be able to fix every single issue with ts4#but i honestly believe thats require them to take an extended break from releasing new packs and shit#and i genuinely honestly dont think theyll do that. lol.#but like. i think itd be a good idea like. Cut down on new releases and focus on fixing the base game and then pack refreshes#bc itd be rly cool to have like. pack refreshes to make them more fleshed out#but also like. sigh. it rly does come down to the packs bc i judt genuinely find it kind of disgusting how little is in each pack#and how many of the packs could be consolidated#genuinely earnestly feel like growing together and parenthood shouldve been one pack. like. and honestly throw hsy in there...#hsy could do with a refresh Badd ik its fairly new but oh my god the school is so fucking buggy#and in general like. IDK. id rly love the packs to be refreshed and id love love love More fucking lots in the worlds oh my god. multiple#worlds have literally 4 lots. Thats fucking actually insane it makes me crazy#i get like. ooh bc you can travel between worlds the worlds can be smaller but i hate it 😭😭😭#i think its just bc i grew up playing 3 perhaps but like. i rly loved like. idk when i choose to play in a sims world i want to play in tha#world. i dont want to have to like. i live in moonwood mills (5 lots .) and thej i have to go to like. san myshunonif i want to go to a bar#or whatever. is there a bar in san myshuno idr#IDKIDK. i feel like Innnn my opinion there should be like. at least 1 of the basegame lot types for every world maybe with some exceptions#and there should be enough empty slots ppl can fill it out more if they want...#but also like. idk. i suppose it wouldnt affect me much bc i usually stay on my home lot as much as possible#bc of the loading screens#it wouldnt be so bad if like. idk. i understand why they didnt wanna do open world like ts3#well i dont its fucking actually stupid. but i get that ts4 wasnt supposed to be what it is and it wasnt built to be a longrunning game.#hence why ts5 should happen instead as a Strong Foundation BUT WHATEVER but like. yk. and ik im not the only person in the world and other#ppl want different but i feel like maybe you could have options .. idk. im not a programmer#but itd be cool to have some sort of way to toggle between like. open world semi open world and closed world#where itd be like. ts3 style where the exteriors of everything r there but the interiors r loaded in when u visit (if that is how ts3 works#i may be a bit off) nd closed would be ts4 style Loading screen to go . next door#am i misremembering or are there even loading screens between like. the new apartments with forrent.... there were for the city living ones#skull Fuckk i ran out of space
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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nyquil save me. save me nyquil
#mic#bro i feel like ive been actively dying for the past 4 or 5 days. i dont think its covid but bro. holy fucking shit bro#plus my nightmares are way more vivid for some reason. some of them are recurring from the past too which is always an uneasy feeling#i think bc ive had a couple prophetic dreams before so whenever i dream smth more than once i start to tense up. even tho the prophetic ones#were as far as i can remember only ever dreamed once and didnt feel important at all til they actually happened + i remembered i dreamed it#even so i get all tense and twitchy when i start having recurring dreams again#thank god theyre atleast not the same ones i had as a kid when [redacted]#id kms lmfaooooo those bitches were CRAZY#god i hate liquid medicine sm. shouldve been taking nyquil since day 1 but im stubborn and dumb. better late than never ig#ok time to stop procrastinating.....save me nyquil (reluctant)
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i think that whole "never felt safe growing up and most of my life" thing did real damage to my psyche lmao
#......... whole damn childhood of not feeling safe. i think... the one place i can even think of where i was truly comfortable was my aunts#house. and id see her rarely and not get to stay w her that often/long...#.... apart from that?.... just constant fucking fear and wanting to escape and be left alone#... when i got older like middle high college id feel somewhat safe at friends houses. but i always dreaded having to go home#when i lived at college was... the first time i actually lived somewhere where i felt kinda safe and at home. but my parents made sure to#remind me that it wasnt my actual home lmaoo and that they could take it away at any moment#just like how after we moved from romania i had to hear all the time. while i was stuck in a foreign country as a kid. that my room isnt my#own nothing is my own i owe them everything privacy wasnt allowed etc etc#...... after college i lived w my partner in the ghetto. like shots outside 7+ times a day sorta ghetto. i literally felt safer and more#comfortable and vibing and chill than i did at home with my parents?? lmaoo jfc i actually miss it#apart from that... probably the second time i was in the psych ward lol#and after i come back from romania its gonna be months again of having to stay alone w my stepfather whose like. weirdly sexually attracted#to me and loud and agressive and it just. triggers me so fucking much. god. i hate all this. i hate all this#twenty two fucking years of knowing little else than fucking fear and loneliness. i just. want. to feel safe.#for fucking once#so often i just wanna curl up in a borrow and never come out. thats all i want. im so tired. im so tired of this
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these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone
#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably#bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice#and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me#bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to#did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really#likeable. so ill take what i can get#when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember#this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend#will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and#now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen#years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her#to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all#and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things#and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk#to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl#because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant#connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just#not have anyone forever#i guess#especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks#Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the#gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl#and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively#and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment
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how much would you fight for the person you love before giving up on them?
#I've been thinking about this a lot#I think it's why it's so hard to leave a toxic or abusive relationship#because giving up feels so wrong. it's surrendering that you can never make a promise with full certainty#i used to be someone who used to say no deal breakers. nothing. would stop me from loving the people i love#what would it take the person you love more than anything else in the world to do for you to give up on them#i hate that's it's a question I've had to consider after last year#because i like to think im someone who never gives up on people. especially the people i love#except i...had to#especially as someone who cant trust my brain who has experience with it betraying me#because that would mean im capable of doing something that would make everyone i thought id love forever give up on me#if i couldn't be enough. how much ever i tried. or i was too much#because i have depression i could always fall off the wagon and spiral and not be enough#i think for me there isn't one set dealbreaker though#it takes months and months of apathy and cruelty and taking zero accountability#if you stop trying for long enough#if you blame me for everything put in zero effort don't even acknowledge or show a tiny bit of wanting to try#and i know id never do that i know my friends would never#however bad it gets even when we spiral#we can come back and apologize and at least TRY take some accountability#even if it's fucking hard and so much effort#i think that's why heartbreak high hit so much#it's just such a shitty situation and i hate everything it made me question#but well. im glad i have my faith back#there are people who have the capability to try for me people who think I'm worth it#people for whom my love isn't too much who don't make me feel bad for loving too much#and i don't care how many times you guys fuck up as long as i can see you trying i will never leave you#you don't recover from some heartbreaks there are no positives#but well. it happened and im not gonna let it take all of me#x am rambles
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So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this
#laid out all my sketches i needed.. updated my carrd projects list... finalized art piece.. sketched concept.. studied from art book#fucking insane. insane. so scary so scary.#like idk it is so weird i think being depressed mustve made my adhd so much worse ?? i couldve never done this before#everything is still hard and i have to genuinely push and will myself to even attempt working on anything but like#i have enough will to win and start ? i dont lose my focus as much when im in it and if i do i know to take a break bc im understimulated?#i still forget basic things and to do things a lot but i dont catastrophize about it as much i get upset and then just fix it..#its so weird did i just fucking learn to self regulate??? is that what i was missing this whole time ???????#u get punished for like lacking focus and self regulation and have a defeatist mindset bc doing anything = punishment#but then you break through that fear and just throw yourself in and make yourself do things and u can work WITH the adhd????#my parents fucking scammed me bro imagine if i had been raised and like helped instead of called worthless for everytime i fuck up#WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS AT ALMOST 19. STUPID STUPID STUPID#even my old therapists.. oh you have adhd maybe if you just change your diet you will function WOWWW SOOO HELPFUL#HOW DOES THAT HELP ME LEARN TO BE AWARE OF MY SELF AND NEEDS AND REGULATE THEM TO WORK WITH MY MENTAL HANDICAPS HUH. QUICKLY#stupid... i hate every adult in the world you are all useless and do nothing <- is an adult#its so crazy 2 me to function even a little... i guess i learned easily finally bc i self analyze way too much sometimes#but like i genuinely for years predicted id just like. go right back to being majorly suicidal or something in college#bc i could barely handle highschool or getting assignments done#now im meeting deadlines on the reg... like idk. i think it is such a rare and strange and kind of sick feeling#to know like young you would look at you and be surprised or shocked . and its so sad bc like idk.#its like oh i never believed in myself huh. or believed i could have a place in the world and function and be alright#and then u have to grieve all the time you spent never trying bc u didnt think trying without failing was possible like what the hell!!!#crazy...#the gamer speaks uwu
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MADE ME BAWL FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT. GAHDAMN. 'there are people to love and dishes to do in the meantime.' 'she said i would hold you in my arms and the world would end in love.' 'to look back is to love'. PLSLSLSLS STOP BEING RIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!! PLSLSLSLSLSLSS STFU !!!!!!!!!!!! 😢😢😢😢😢😢👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻‼️‼️‼️‼️😩😩😩😩❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😠😠😠😠😠💔💔💔💔💔😡😡😡😡💔💔💔💔😢😢😢😢❤️❤️❤️❤️✨💫🌟✨💫🌟✨💫‼️‼️‼️‼️ (/POS)
How will the world end?
it’s genuinely not something i think too much about. there are people to love and dishes to do in the meantime.
#MY NOSE IS CLOGGED AS HELL#HEADACHE#EYES SWOLLEN#TISSUES PILED UP#WENT TO DRINK WATER AND REFRESH MYSELF ONLY TO LIE BACK IN BED SND START CRYINF AGAIN#HOW AM I SUPPISED TO SLEEP ITS 9AM#PLS STFU!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME BE MENTALLY ILL AND EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED!!!!!!!!! (/j)#shoving vaporub into my nose and forehead#good shit tho...! needed to b reminded#why is sentiency so tiring#why are emotions so potent#what is love supposed to feel like?#is it an emotion or is it a quiet presence#mentally ill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm gonna start crying again!!!!!!!!!#why is humanity so complex#pls go back to cavemen#goddamn i'm sniffling#my mouth dry as shit from breathing thru it since my nose is clogged#talked to my best friend about love#she loves photography and films and her film camera and i still remember her using one of her films to take a photo of me#i knew what it meant when she chose to preserve a photo of me in her beloved film camera and i didn't know how to act#so i just awkwardly smiled and posed. pretty accurate impression of me anyway#she told me she'd peel oranges for me#and chop apples and lightly spirtz them w lemon juice so that they wouldn't turn brown#and she'd make me soup if i was sick#i buy her food as often as i can which isn't as often as i'd like because i'm still a student and i don't have income yet#i told her id make sure she wouldn't go hungry as best as i could because that's what my dad does for me too#going to her birthday party this saturday!!! i will bring her snacks and matching nail polish and a drawing i made her#she's cackling at me crying rn nvm i hate this mf !!!!!!!!!! love REVOKED back to HATE !!!!!!! /j#post crying headache still clapping cymbals at my head fml
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