#and i was supposed to go on a trip with my friend but that’s been postponed (not her fault or mine)
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(Hope you don't mind I wrote a little in character reply to this along with my own thoughts at the bottom!)
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“My memory for this thing has always been a bit shite, but I think I've got at least one answer for ya.”
“It was in the middle of the campaign in Doma. We hadn't found Hien yet, but we'd just managed to disrupt some of the local Imperials who'd had the nearby farmers under their boot. Yugiri and I’d been talking a lot back and forth by this point: about our homes, our lives, our purposes. I hadn't exactly sorted out my feelings yet, but I did know she was a friend who I always liked seein’ around.”
“Anyroad. She'd spotted an Imperial airship that appeared to be the Crown Prince’s, and despite pretty much everyone making a fuss about it, she insisted on trying to kill him, then and there.” Aelita lets out a sigh. “I tagged along when I realized she was going no matter what, but needless to say, things didn't go great. Just seeing her lying there, having given absolutely everything for a world she might not see, it was the most heroic thing I'd ever seen.”
She laughs, the kind of laugh that only ever comes with hindsight. “It was also the dumbest thing I'd ever seen. And the saddest. I remember holding her as we ran away, just prayin’ and prayin’ to anyone that was listening for her to wake up. After all the rage had worn off and I had time to think I… I realized I didn't want to live in a world without her. And I was so gods-damned scared I'd missed the chance to tell her that.”
“Thank the Navigator she did pull through and I got to say my piece.” Aelita scratches the back of her neck and breaks into a guilty smile. “I was lucky then, and I continue to be lucky now.”
“Y'know, I suppose luck was always part of our relationship. I just happened to be in Horizon on some other business when she arrived with the first contingent of refugees. I'll always remember that first time I saw her: a gorgeous violet gemstone against the barren sands of Thanalan.” She focuses hard for a moment, trying to recall the name of the mineral she's visualizing. “Chrys would absolutely know… it's not quartz, it's the purple kind… Amethyst! That's the one.” She smiles, proud of herself for remembering. “I think she was the only thing I remembered about that trip. Absolutely zero memory of what it was I was there to do. But there was just this aura she had. Didn't matter that I couldn't see what she looked like, I just knew that I wanted to meet that person again someday. And someone somewhere must've overheard me, cause I not only got to meet her again, I got to know her and help her and her people, too.”
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(As for why me, the person behind Aelita, found Yugiri so interesting: I knew I wanted to make a hrothgal and have her be a refugee, and I was idly thinking about possible characters she might click with as someone with a bigger, louder personality and a background as a tank that gets into the fray, and the more I thought on it, the more I saw them as a couple! They've got a good mix of shared experiences and goals alongside some differences in personal philosophy and battle strategy that makes them fun to write. If you're interested in more, check out A Star Hidden In The Clouds for a bit of pining, Horizon for that chance first meeting, and What Goes Unsaid and Hackneyed for the big pre- and post-Zenos-confrontation moments :3)
fellow wol x npc shippers- If applicable, what was the "oh" moment for you and your oc falling for their love interest? Was yours seperate from your WoL's?
#ffxiv#aelita tirasch#my wol#warrior of light#yugiri#yugiri mistwalker#wolyugiri#ama#wol writes#wolqotd
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Different Path Taken: Ch.2
I think I'm actually going to lengthen this chapter, there's two more scenes I want to put into it, but tumblr gets the preview because I do not have the brain I wanted to work on them.
Rating: T
Characters: Callum, Rayla, Ezran, Runaan, Callisto
Callum still insists on going to talk to Harrow one more time. because the author needed a reason for him to confront Viren and realize he's shady later.
“Wait,” Prince Callum sidestepped Callisto’s herding motion and looked up at Runaan with determination. “I need to go talk to - I need to see my stepfather before we leave.”
Those alarm bells went off again. Runaan narrowed his eyes at the boy. “Why would we let you do that?”
“Because the fight with Claudia earlier means they already know we didn’t leave by sundown. If you guys disappear without doing anything and then we’re gone in the morning, everyone will assume you kidnapped us.”
Callisto grunted. “We’re countin’ on that, a bit.”
“But we weren’t supposed to be here. We were going to go on a trip to the Banther Lodge before you got here, so Ezran would be safe.” Callum pressed on. “So if I just go tell the king that we got a late start but we’re leaving now, it’s okay, they’ll think we made it out. It’ll be at least a day before they come looking for us and anyone notices we’re actually missing.”
Runaan’s lip curled. “Why should we trust you not to betray us?”
“Callum wouldn’t do that.” Ezran frowned at him.
“Why should we trust you not to just kill us as soon as we leave the castle?” Callum countered, glowering at him with his hands shaking. “Rayla already tried like a couple of hours ago.”
Reflexively Runaan glanced at the girl, who was scowling at Callum’s back. She had disobeyed him to come and try to complete the mission all by herself. He should have known. “We will be having words about that later,” He growled at her.
Callisto cleared their throat. “I hate to say it, Runaan, but . . . it might not be a bad idea. If the boy can buy us an extra day, that’s precious time we could use tae put distance between us and this place.”
“I’ll stay to guide him to camp afterwards. I’ll be careful, keep an eye on him, stay hidden.” Rayla volunteered.
Runaan frowned at both of them. “And if he betrays us? No one of us could hold back all the guards of Katolis.”
Callisto shrugged. “If he doesn’t, we gain time. If he does, what do we lose? He won’t be able to tell them anythin’ they won’t guess on their own. We’ll still have the other prince.”
“Rayla.” Runaan pointed out, feeling a tad brittle at the coldness in his friend’s eyes. “We lose Rayla.”
Callisto held his gaze without flinching. “Or she’s not stupid, because she’s your student and ward,” They pointed out bluntly. “And she stays hidden, and escapes to warn us ahead of time. She’s always been good at information gathering, Runaan, you know that, and she’s volunteering.” They tilted their head and raised one inky black eyebrow at him. “Would ye hesitate if it was me?”
Runaan showed his teeth and huffed. “Would I hesitate to risk your life on the word of a human child? Yes, Callisto, I would.”
“I can do this,” Rayla insisted.
“It’s a risk, yes, but it’s a worthy one.” Callisto said, folding their arms. “It could buy us an extra day, and that’s precious time to travel, and we will need every second. You more than most, Master of Blades.”
The reminder that his oaths sat further up his limbs than theirs, could easily kill him if they tightened too much, was unwelcome. His life was of no consequence if giving it completed their mission. But then, that was the very point, wasn’t it? Neither was Rayla’s.
Runaan grit his teeth and glowered down at the boy. “Go.” He said shortly, and looked at Rayla. “Stay hidden. Stay alive. If you’re not back by sunrise, we leave without you.”
She nodded firmly. “I know. I’ll be there.”
He hoped she would be, but he couldn’t afford to spare more words for her with Callisto’s sharp eyes boring into his shoulder. He turned instead to the younger prince and the large dragon egg he carried. “Let’s go.”
The princes paused to exchange a hug before splitting up, and he and Callisto ushered the younger one towards the gates on high alert. There were still no guards. Even the citizens of the castle town were abed and no one was present to catch them slipping through the streets and over the bridge. They made it to the woods without a single incident.
Runaan sent a private wish up to the moon that he hadn’t just sent his daughter into a trap.
They had been in the woods for almost an hour when Prince Ezran began to fall behind. He had refused Callisto’s offer to carry the egg for him, wisely pointing out that they could just take it and leave him if he permitted that, and they had exchanged glances and let him keep it. On the slim chance that this was right - the whole reason Skor had agreed to this plan was the potentiality for proving the children’s honor, and they would need working hands to carry the egg anyway by the end of the journey.
“Slow down,” Prince Ezran fussed from their heels. “I have little legs!”
Both assassins paused for a moment to let him catch up and Callisto shot Runaan a look, quirking a brow at him. “I know I agreed, too, but this does sort of prove my point about them slowing us down.” They said quietly.
Runaan flicked his eyes over the boy and then quirked a brow back at his second. “When was the last time you took a rotation with the Mooncubs?”
Callisto blinked, clearly caught out, and cleared their throat, looking away. “I’m an assassin, and not also a parent. It’s . . . been a while.”
“You should stop dodging it when we get home. It will do you good.” Runaan replied as Prince Ezran managed to catch up, the boy panting a bit but bravely pushing on. He crouched in front of the young human instead of turning to leave. “We will cover more ground if I carry you.” He said bluntly. “I understand you do not trust us with the egg alone, but we need to move faster than this. Would you rather be held in front or on my shoulders?”
Prince Ezran blinked at him, mouth opening in surprise, but then nodded. “O-okay. Um. I like the shoulders better, but the egg is really heavy, and I don’t want to fall backwards.”
“You can hang onto the horns. Most children do.” Runaan assured him, reminded harshly that children were children regardless of their origin. The boy was so much like the cubs back home.
“That won’t hurt?” Prince Ezran asked, curiously, even as he raised his arms to allow himself to be picked up.
Runaan scoffed, finding himself unwillingly amused as he picked the boy up and hoisted him to his shoulders. “No. I can’t feel the tips. Just be careful of the hair.” He swept it aside as he settled the child on his shoulders, habit making the movement easy. Moon above, the egg truly was heavy - that or human children were heavier than he’d anticipated. He was impressed the boy had made it this far. “Ready?”
He felt a faint tug at the base of his horns as the boy gripped them. “I’m ready. Um, thank you.”
Runaan settled his hands on the boy’s ankles to strap him in further and set off towards camp again. Callisto scoffed lightly as they resumed their journey. “Shame you’re not a father, Runaan.” They said. “You’d be good at it.”
Damn them. What was it with them and Skor, always after him to claim Rayla even though her parents were very much alive? Things were awkward. And what business was it of his - yes, very well-meaning - friends anyways? “We’re not talking about that now.” He said flatly. “You know why that is.”
Callisto just hummed skeptically and let it go as Runaan picked up the pace to avoid the conversation.
#the dragon prince#tdp fanfic#my fic#tdp callum#tdp ezran#tdp rayla#tdp runaan#tdp callisto#fic: different path taken
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Washed out(TrailbreakerxReader)
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Getting essentially rained out while camping wasn't entirely the plan for obvious reasons. But the situation could have been worse, you could have been alone. Trailbreaker wasn't too concerned, he just wanted to wait for the weather to subside before going back on the trail as the winds were buffeting hard enough being on the mountain road could be sketchy with the water to contend with as well.
Your tent however was definitely not going to survive this, it wasn't rated for gusts this strong even with the upgraded ground stakes to help hold it down, let alone the amount of rain that decided to appear a day early. "I have an idea." The voice from the big SUV was almost shy, headlights dim to illuminate the campsite enough you could see him through the tent fabric. "Yeah? What's up Breaker?" knowing he could hear you where you were huddling in your sleeping bag, grimacing as the tent walls flexed and billowed inwards. Desperately trying to keep dry but if it tore open... It was going to be a long night. "I'll rearrange my seats, you can sleep in my cab? At least you'd be dry and warm until morning." The tent would likely be trashed but he'd get a new one.
Deep down the mech hoped you'd agree. The protective urge was nearly overwhelming, especially as your teeth chattered and it got colder as time drew on. This was supposed to be a fun trip, he'd promised to take you to see the mountain lake you'd heard about hidden in the mountains that Hound had shown him. The thoughtful silence wasn't unnoticeable even with the wind howling around the both of you.
"Please? The forecast says this is just the start, its going to get worse. I really don't want you getting injured or sick." He didn't trust that tent not to shred itself with how it was bowing and twisting. "…Okay." It was weird to think of sleeping in him, it'd taken you a bit of time to be comfortable with just riding with them. Having to think of it like carrying a small pet in a pocket verses…'inside' inside. But he'd pulled up to just in front of your tent, and you scooted out of your bag and did a quick roll of it with your pillow. Soon as you unzippered the door, the real extent of the nasty weather really hit you. Trailbreaker had gotten as close as he could, door opening quickly so his interior lights could guide as you bolted the scant feet to get to him. His whole backseat was folded into a platform with his cargo area, making plenty of room to stretch out. It took some wiggling but you got your sleeping bag and pillow situated, though with how he'd set himself up it was comfortable even without.
The silence wasn't entirely awkward, as you stared up at his ceiling a moment, you listened but you couldn't really hear the outside so well now. But you heard other things. For a moment you thought it was your own heart in your ears, but it wasn't. It was a deep hum with a low pulse that was like a rapid heartbeat for what you could hear of it. The strange feeling of being safe, held. Like lounging with a friend on the couch to watch movies on a rainy day cozy. You realized you could feel and hear him. The protectiveness, the odd calm now that you were settled. Hear his systems winding down as you relaxed steadily as well. "I can hear your spark." You whispered in awe, realizing exactly what the multilayered pulse sound was. There was a chuckle, the deep voice sounding almost sleepy. "I can feel yours."
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I Feel TFOne Could've Handled This Better...
Hot take but I feel like folks have been really generous with the take that OP was unable to find ~the perfect words~ in the heat of the moment (and thus should be given some grace) when he told D to stand down and "not be like Sentinel"... namely cuz I don't feel that the narrative supports this?
Like-- after all is said and done, OP doesn't reflect on that part of their split. He doesn't have a moment where he seeks validation or voices his regrets over the choice of his words, it's actually cut-and-dry. The narrative (as it stands) supports that OP saw D-16 acting up, so he called him out and stood on business, down to the last scenes where he's basically like "yeah it's a shame but y'all knew I had to do it to 'em."
It didn't have to be much! I'm not saying to absolve Megs, just show OP looking at things from a different perspective/contemplating a bit on that tough choice and the morality of the moment. Some examples of what I wish we had:
B-127 straight up blurting the obvious by later chatting with Orion like, "Wait so you told your best friend that he was acting just as bad as the guy who enslaved us for our entire lives and was torturing him like an hour ago? Oof. Seems kinda harsh." Then have some of OP's regret show on his face.
OP asking Elita-1 after Megs is banished if he did the right thing. Have Elita back his choice up, saying, "You should have seen what he did after you were... gone. It was terrifying. I know it was tough, but you made the right call." OP is grateful for the support, but a conflicted look still flashes across his face before he steels himself to look out towards the horizon... and the future.
Have OP walk past other mechs/former miners who didn't go with the High Guard saying stuff like, "Wish I could've given Sentinel a piece of my mind!" "Yeah, but I'm glad he's gone for good." "Ugh I miss everything." "Oh, it was crazy! Megatron picked him up and then he rrrrriiipped-- oops, hey there, Mr. Optimus... Prime... sir?" And have OP wave hello, looking a bit sick when they leave.
Post-credits scene with Starscream going on and on, asking Megs when they'll be back to teach the upstart Prime a lesson. Megs grabs his face to shut him up. "Patience, Starscream. The Prime thinks I'm no better than Sentinel... but I'll show him. He wants Iacon? He can have it. In the meantime we'll take the rest of the planet! Then I'll come back, crush Prime under my heel, and we'll take Iacon too. Sentinel's reign will barely be a footnote, because I'm about to become Optimus Prime's worst nightmare." The vocal performance would really need to sell this-- like picture Megs saying something like that from a place of anger and hurt, not so much a place of genuine evil or malice.
Basically instead of Orion's assertion being backed up as black and white/good vs bad, I wish we had some different opinions/reactions from the characters sprinkled in there. Like you can't tell me out of allllll the miners who weren't strong enough/willing to go with the High Guard and ended up sticking around that NONE of them were like "eyyo honestly?? Kiiiiinda glad Sentinel is dead. Wish I could have helped, tbh." like come onnnnn...
And you can't even argue that he's not an active threat-- I don't think everyone would see things that way! It's not just about the threat he physically has, but the threat he represents and is very likely to act upon if given the opportunity! He has a proven track record of not only being sneaky and conniving, but also capable of dealing some serious damage/killing people bigger and stronger than him, plus he has the backing of the Quints. All he'd need to do is wriggle his way out of jail and run off to his sponsors, then he'd probably be back to hurt more people! (If the Quints didn't just kill him out of incompetence lmao). There's a lot of "ifs" here, but I think it's a valid argument that not everyone would agree on what is the right or wrong way to handle Sentinel once he was down long enough to, like, do something about him.
I feel the situation needed a bit of nuance. In some way I wish they had kicked the can and had D and Orion bicker while Sentinel escaped, then have D get frustrated enough by the loss of Sentinel to point fingers (and his fusion canon) at Orion, who then falls and becomes OP. (Megs could still show some of thar emotion/remorse right after he does it too.) Not only would this open the door for a sequel, but tbh the Quint might have just killed Sentinel anyways and sought to deal with the miners uprising themselves lol. (Maybe that could have been an after credits scenes too instead of the B-127 bit??)
Would love to see a moment in a sequel where they have a calmer moment after arguing for a bit. Have OP mention how Megs was out of line, that it hurt and even scared him to see him act that way, and Megs can quietly point out "you said I was as bad as Sentinel... is that really how you see me? After everything we went through?"
Then OP can fumble the bag again lmao like "D, I... I'm sorry, that didn't come out right... but you still took things way too far..."
"Why am I not surprised-- your opinion is what matters the most! Maybe that's why you became a Prime, since you're so good at acting like the world revolves around you--!"
*gets interrupted by someone else before another yelling match ensues*
#rambling#transformers one#tf one#tfo#i'll be honest a lot of this stems from how rushed i felt the last like... 3rd of the movie feels#i feel Optimus is so dismissive of Megs!! like basically the whole movie but ESPECIALLY after coming back to life as a Prime???#your best friend is Going Through It. clearing having an Emotional Breakdown.#He drops you. In the moment it mattered most he chose violence... but notice what he says right before that?#Megs says ''I'm done saving you''#Like??? y'all don't wanna delve into that a little more?????#i half expected Optimus to pop up and be like ''excuse me. i wasn't done talking. what Did You Mean By That??''#instead he comes up and IMMEDIATELY has already written off this entire relationship as well.#Megs dropped him. it was a aplit second decision. we see in the movie D leaning into these bad impulses.#Orion is supposed to mature gradually so he's more level-headed by the end. why does that equate to abandoning the friendship??#why does he suddenly wanna drop Megs too? wouldn't this be the time for ''please listen to me'' part 2?#''it doesn't matter who has the matrix. we can make a change for the better! please listen to me'' etc#also minor nitpick but lmao why was OP Talking Like That after becoming Prime?#like he goes from ''haha hey guys hows it goin'' to ''You have used your gifts for Evil and Betrayed the entire planet''#babes what. Cybertron?? we went on a 2 day road trip on foot the fuck you know about Cybertron.#like betrayed Iacon maybe but idk maybe the guys in Tarn would be cool with Megs you dont know! lmao!#if my friend and I had beef and they started talking to me like the queen of england i would literally ask where they got their soapbox.#ohhhh you think you're morally superior? stop speaking for the whole planet lmao!! already named prime and letting it go to his head!!#strange dieties lying in the core of the planet distributing magic baubles that bring you back to life#is no basis for picking a planetary leader#this has been Orion Was Right: The Movie#when i wish there was a bit more.#maybe another 20-30 min would have helped me idk hhhhh#but Megs turn felt sooooo fast... then things just kept escalating from there.#''some transformations are permanent'' sir it's been like 48 hours since y'all learned you lives were a lie.#you *really* don't think Megs could ever cool down and apologize/change his mind?? you too??? tf???
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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im so fucking mad
#i had been planning to go to this thing with my friends for a whole year after we did it last december#and it was overnight#and it was a fundraiser for my pathfinder trip#and i was signed up and we paid and everything#and i was supposed to go tonight#and then my parents decided i couldnt fucking go#because the other day i threw up and they think it was because i didnt get enough sleep#when really its because i hadnt eaten enough#but now they arent fucking letting me go#because they dont want me to be sick again#and all my friends are there#and theyre having fun and sending pictures#and my parents arent even sympathetic#i was telling them that i really wanted to go and that i was really sad that i couldnt#and all they said was that it was for the best#like wow thanks for that#it doesnt help with that fact that im literally fucking in tears
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ok but no guys seriously how do you ask for reassurance in a way that doesn't make you look like a stupid yandere stereotype
#can't be too casual and be like “hey nothing you did all me but i need some reassurance that you still like me”#because thats like pathologizing or something???#i dont actually know what pathologizing is supposed to mean ive done a lot of research and i cant wrap my head around it still#but it sounds like something someone would say is pathologizing#I can't go in the middle and actually explain it like#“hey you've been kinda dry lately i wanna know if i did something or if you're not feeling well or if it's just me”#cause people HATE that#they'll call it guilt tripping they'll lie to get you to shut up and continue to let resentment build#eventually leading to an explosive falling out#OR you'll make them self conscious of their own actions which i would HATE to be the cause of because this SUCKS#but it also ALSO leads to nasty falling outs where they tell you they need to walk on eggshells around you#which may or may not have been due to levels of their own insecurity but either way itd still be my fault#for saying anything in thr first place#and you DEFINITELY can't be like#“hey i really like you and i want to keep you as a friend so thats why i wanted to ask if ive done anything#because you seem really off lately and i don't want this friendship to end because you mean a lot to me and i swear this isn't a guilt trip#or a one-off if you tell me what's wrong if anything i will work on it i will change it i will do anything to maintain this because your#companionship means so much to me“#because that is what ventures into stereotype territory#and it is also really weird and desperate#HOW DO I STRIKE A BALANCE LIKE THIS#the most central neutral option here seems to be the one with the most bad outcomes#also even though I really would do anything to change im still scared of what people might say if i ask that#and i can't just sit with it either because people pick up on my neuroticism and they don't really like it in friends#i don't need a whole rundown of why people like me as reassurance i really just need a few words like#“oh yeah we're cool you didn't do anything/i have personal stuff going on it's not you/etc”#but in the latter case i don't want my friends to think they have to put their business out there just so i can stop tweaking#and maybe it's bad for me to need the reassurance at all?????? even though i see other people ask about it all the time#but maybe it's different when it's me a lot of things seem to be different when its me#AND THATS NOT COMING FROM A PLACE OF SELF DEPRECIATION it's just a thing ive noticed a lot of things are different when its me compared to
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#i hate the fact that i have so much burnout that i cannot do shit right now :///#wanted to get up early today play some games for a bit go do some necessary moving stuff i need to do today and then go to my#1pm language class i am taking voluntarily. instead its almost 11.30 am and ive done nothing. not even the fun play games bit :///#idk if can skip the class again but i have no energy to go there. like im genuinely filled with so much dread at the idea of going there#and its been on and off raining and i dont really wanna go out into the rain as well :///#delete later#idk what happened it was okay i was supposed to go visit a friend this weekend which fell through but i have rescheduled that already#and i dont really mind + it will be a way more chill and less hectic trip then so idk what :///
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DATING IS SO HARD WTF
#vent to follow in the tags lmao#like. what????#people!!! chill the fuck out!!#i had some dude unmatch with me bc i didn’t respond to him YESTERDAY#and like it’s not that big of a deal we’d only just matched but like?? patience is a fucking virtue?? and i have a life?#he was all like come back :((( then two minutes later he was like ok sorry for bothering you bye and then LEFT#like. fine if you do that but the message?? what??#anyway it came at a bad time bc. a bitch is already in crisis rn#cause i kinda feel like my irl friends hate me for some reason and i already feel bad that i’ve been so busy i’ve not been able to#talk to them that much#and i was supposed to go on a trip with my friend but that’s been postponed (not her fault or mine)#and my car still won’t start. we tried to jump it today and it didn’t do anything#anyway i’m like rapid cycling through major emotions and it’s like mimi chill the fuck out#and listening to way too much phoebe bridgers i know the end#also i’m in crisis bc i’ve made up with like. my oldest friend who used to have a crush on me and when i told him i preferred girls he like#stopped talking to me for a while#that was years ago and now we’re slowly becoming friends again but i feel so much guilt over it for no reason#and i get into avoidant episodes as a coping mechanism and like. i feel like im going into one atp#okay okay vent over im okay lmaoo#sorry folks hope your days going better than mine <3#。・:*˚:✧。 mimi speaks!
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still reeling over the fact that almost 2 months ago the guy i was talking to (not dating, but definitely 'seeing') took another girl TO MY AND MY ROOMMATE'S APARTMENT to FUCK HER ON OUR AIR MATTRESS while i was ON VACATION THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY
honestly. how do i get myself into these situations
#followed by him being blackout drunk sleeping on our DOORSTEP the very next day#he said he thought it was weird i said i liked him so soon into meeting him#but he would constantly say shit like 'falling for you more now' and 'my friend told my sister i have a new gf now'#like OKAY HOMEBOY#so dude it's so fucked i'll give more details in these tags in case anyone cares for a lil more context#before my trip back to california for sdcc i talked to him#said hey i know we're not dating but while im gone for almost 2 weeks are we gonna mess around with other people? like where is ur head#he said 'you can sleep with other people because you have a higher sex drive than me but i won't be doing that but you go ahead'#and im like okay weird response but okay cool#before i ended up leaving actually i did end up hooking up w someone and when i came back to my apartment he said 'looks like someone had a#'fun night' but he said it like....in a salty fucking way and i was like ur not allowed to be mad bc you refuse to be in a relationship wit#me despite me LETTING YOU LIVE WITH ME AND MY BFF FOR THE LAST ALMOST MONTH#oh yeah that part too#he was evicted and was staying with us for a few nights that turned into almost a month#NO he did not pay rent YES he did eat all our food#YES im an idiot for not seeing his red flags sooner but i was infatuated#so anyway my friend goes 'he's salty you fucked another dude' and im like excuse me how the fuck is he gonna be mad when WE TALKED ABOUT TH#*THIS#now granted it was a day before my trip so it wasn't ON my trip that i slept with someone else#but im like. how are u gonna be mad im gonna go enjoy myself when you've made it painfully clear you want me but want 0 strings#so anyway while im in california my bff calls me like hey dude john is on our air mattress naked with another girl#i was like excusethefuckME#because 1. he wasn't supposed to be at our apartment anymore so i was surprised he was there at ALL#and 2. how are u gonna ever be living RENT FREE with someone and INVITE SOMEONE ELSE OVER TO FUCK IN THEIR PLACE#i could honestly go on but i doubt anyone read this far as it is#this situation has fucked me up#first red flag should've been his name being JOHN
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do you ever feel yourself on the edge of a depressive crying session and you’re trying so hard not to give in
#oh my god. it has not been an academically productive week and i don’t know what’s wrong with me#i’m really tired of living far away from my undergrad friends…..#my friend from cali was supposed to visit but i’m not sure if he’ll be able to and i know he’s able to hang out with our other friends#bc they all live in toronto and i’m so far away…..#ughhhhhhhh . the fomo is actually going to break my heart#and i’m visiting home this weekend and i was excited to see my other friend who was in europe this summer#but she’s being weird about making plans and doesn’t seem that enthused. and my parents want to take a day trip on sunday#so they’re busy doing things they need to do on this day trip and ik they’re not gonna pay attention to me…#and i skipped movie night with local friends today bc i needed to do work and then i didn’t even do that work bc i’m lazy and sad 😔#not even near my period idk what’s going on with me#shadi stuff
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personal vent post/diary entry incoming:
I've struggled on and off over the years with varying degrees of agoraphobia and in the past like year or so I've made massive strides and got to the point where I was able to regularly attend social or otherwise crowded events. since breaking my foot I've gone backwards so much. I'm like terrified to leave my apartment even for work and have missed a lot of it. I've only tried hanging out in public places a handful of times and haven't gone to a single show since I got hurt over a month ago. it's extremely fucking frustrating having so much progress completely lost in a fucking instant
#i was like going through a lot just before this happened but like things were looking up#i was excited to spend my summer having fun with my friends and meeting new people#i havent even been able to properly answer texts besides from a few specific people over the past several days#it feels really unfair#i was supposed to go to a show last night but i bailed at the last minute. i got way too anxious and couldnt do it#im like constantly one extremely minor event away from a panic attack. just at my boiling point 24/7#it really does not help that i have genuine like clinical paranoia about being watched/looked at#and no exaggeration every time i walk into a building everyone looks at me#I thought maybe i was just being paranoid until my friend pointed it out. its unbearable. i cant stand being asked about it#i dont even want to think about it let alone talk about it. but also i cant shut the fuck up about it#im insufferable to myself lmao i cant stop saying 'i used to be able to do that' about shit like dancing and sitting criss cross#or saying 'yeah i was planning on doing that... then i broke my foot....' about shit like going on a float trip etc lmao#like shut up about it already#why do bad things happen to mediocre people
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the fact that overbooking flights is legal and airlines don’t have to go above and beyond to find you either the earliest flight possible or the most convenient stay possible is going to make me a t3rr0r1st. what the fuck do you mean you can only give me a flight three days from now and i have to find my own accommodation, unless i pay for an earlier flight and also have to find my own accommodation. how the fact is it legal to sell something you don’t have
#anatxt#girlie who helped me at the desk also was like no i can’t put you on that flight you’re seeing available because that is actually also#already full :) not her fault she was as helpful as she could be. and i can stay at a friend’s place a few towns away#but jesus fucking christ. saving every receipt lol#had to buy underwear and socks and a shirt and going for trousers today#because for the incoming flight i always carry an extra outfit. just in case bag gets lost or whatever i have wiggle room#since i was supposed to be going home i was only carrying the things i bought with me. can’t get dressed with cheese or secondhand books#thankfully i had like half my toiletries#but still i will be missing a doctors appointment and that genuinely makes me want to cry lol#about to become a road trip person for this#(this one would’ve been 20 hours. lol. lmao even)
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the good news is that I finished a book and it got me out of my reading slump where I would start things, not finish, switch to something else, not finish
the bad news is that "yes daddy" by jonathan parks-ramage is one of the worst written books I've read in a whiiiile. bland expositiony prose, flat characters, a bunch of weird plot detours. Written like a 200-page Wikipedia summary instead of an actual book
the worst news is that it has such intensely favorable gushing reviews on goodreads, and the people who hated it mostly hated it for a different reason, and so I'm left alone like oKAY BUT THE PROSE WAS SHIT, HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS
#book review#the writing is LAUGHABLY BAD you guys. how did people like this booooook#but most of the bad reviews are like 'I hated this book because it had too many rape scenes and lots of bad things happen'#BUT MY PROBLEM IS it's so badly written that it's like reading the wikipedia of a horror movie where it flatly tells you the grisly bits#very 'and then four grown men lived in a garden shed as waiters/sex slaves. one of them tripped and hit his head. he's dead now.'#just no emotional impact whatsoever bc this guy cannot write and the characters are all made of cardboard#it bills itself as a gothic/thriller but it has NO grasp of any of the conventions of that genre#there's a weird interlude where the protag becomes evangelical?? and starts going on about The Evils of Gay Sex??#he gets inspiration to commit arson by READING GOOP? AND THIS IS PLAYED AS SERIOUS AFTER HIS FRIEND'S SUICIDE??#how did ANYONE take this book seriously let alone enjoy it#it's SO awful. this guy CANNOT write his way out of a paperbag#it's even worse too bc the main character is supposed to be a professional writer with an MFA and the book is the character's memoir#which I consider tantamount to a plot hole BECAUSE THE WRITING IS SO SO BAD#the sketchy rich old guy and his butler/ex call him Rebecca and he doesn't get the reference?? he has an MFA in playwriting and yet!#it's been a while since I got to write a REALLY scathing 1-star goodreads review so that's cathartic at least
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Look I love my friends dearly and I love listening and supporting, and I will be there for them and I will be the person they can turn to, and I try so hard to be considerate, but I have nothing in me to give right now. Most of my relationships involve me just giving giving giving, and as much as I love doing that (I truly do, being someone my friends can turn to is the most wonderful thing in the world), but I have so few relationships where I receive, and it's especially hard for me right now. Maybe it's cause I'm so busy with my exams and thesis and organising a camp, but at this point I just need someone who will give me a hug and just Be There. Not try telling me what to do, or how to deal with my stress to try "help".
#current closest relationships: my best friend is dating an unbeliever and is already talking of MARRYING HIM (they've been together for like#a month. this is not an exaggeration)#my childhood friend (basically my brother at this point) has just been getting annoyed at me really easily recently so i have to be careful#the dynamic I have with S has always been me giving (which was sth he really needed at first and now thats just the way it has stayed)#my mom (whom usually i go to when I'm struggling) is in England rn and I'm alone in the house with my dad for 2 weeks. It's only been#3 days and it's already HARD#and anyone who I try to tell just want to give me advise. I DON'T WANT ADVISE I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS I JUST NEED SOME SUPPORT#I may just be spiraling cause I haven't had a hug since mom left. this has happened before#sorry this turned out really long :/ it was supposed to be a short paragraph not a Long Post#mine#I'll be okay in a week I think. I will be done with my exams by then and I'll be on a trip with my friends from all over Poland#I love these friends dearly and do (sometimes) feel like I can rest when with them#relacje
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!!
#positivity tag rant incoming!#WOW feelin extremely jazzed about life rn like#turning 29 in a week and i just submitted my first offer to buy a home??! BY MYSELF???#like idk if it'll work out but i really hope it does!! I'm excited!#i am talkin and kissin not ONE but TWO pretty gorls??? HUH?#supposed to get a raise next month finally i doubt it'll be substantial enough but it'll certainly help til i figure out where to go next!!#im enjoying making music again#took myself to see across the spiderverse the other night and it was incredible#my sister's having another baby in a few months#i see PARAMORE IN JUST OVER A WEEK WTFF IVE WANTED THIS FOR YEARS#i see BOYGENIUS NEXT MONTH!!!!!!! AND VISIT OREGON WHICH IVE BEEN DREAMING OF FOREVER#my friend is flying down from Chicago to see paramore with me and its gonna be so fun and special!!!#i get to see my two favorite chelseas for the boygenius Oregon trip!!!!!!!!#first pride season (mostly) out!!!!!#i could go on but to sum up THE HORRORS PERSIST BUT SO DO I BITCH
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