#and i still feel like im missing food
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
70% of Tumblr users say the Dashboard is their favorite place to spend time online.
Text
we’re throwing a huuuge pool party tomorrow and i am already having anxiety over the mess that will be left to clean up >.<
#on the plus side i get to wear my super cute bikini :3#no because we have SO MUCH FOOD for tomorrow just listen to this#we’ve got: hamburgers; sausages; smoked ribs; mixed stirfried veggies; LASAGNA; arancini (rice balls); chickpea salad; black bean salad; ita#italian garden salad; THREE fruit platters; plus antipasti (meats cheeses olives and nuts + bread)#and i still feel like im missing food#i also feel like nonna is bringing cookies#not 100% sure on those tho#anyway it’s A Lot#which means the cleanup will be A Lot#ugh sigh#to make matters worse i’m sick LMAO#clari chatters
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i am officially one week into my trip to brasil and i am so fucking happy#like its hot as fuck rn bc theres been a heat wave the past few days and it feels like DEATH outside#but the beach has been gorgeous the city is amazing the food is beyond words (obv lol)#and im just. im so happy to be here guys im so fucking happy#mygrandparents didnt flip over my tattoo like i expected them to and my grandmother even said she likes my lil crop tops#which is WILD bc this is a very seventh day adventist couple who usually dont like showing skin or things like that#but theyve been very chill with me and even though its been tough seeing how alzheimer's has been affecting my grandmother#its also really nice having this time with them and having them show me the church they got married in 60 years ago & the city they met in#its just been really nice all around and even though we still have a month left i already dont want to leave#although ngl i do miss writing oh my GOD the brain worms have been eating me alive i have so many lil blurbs written down that i want to#expand upon and im ITCHING to get back into writing again#anyway i hope you all are doing well i miss u i still dont have access to discord so im SORRYYYYYYY to anyone waiting on me#but mwah im gonna go eat dinner i love you allllll!!!!!!#personal
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
The path to recovery is arduous. Hyrule is a ruin in perfect harmony to the tumult within Zelda, and though the Calamity is no more, The Triforce yearns to be whole. The hearts of its two surviving vassals crack under the pressure of a force they never knew, aching for a man they'd never met.
lil sketchy zelink wip for my post-botw fic fields of gold, in which zelda tries to cope with 100 years of trauma in a hyrule she barely recognizes and missing the man she met within the calamity. lucky for her, it's nothing link hasn't been through before.
#its a very meaningful story to me even tho its only just starting out. its about missing someone who hurt you its about missing someone who#loved you once. its about recovery its about learning to accept help from the people in your life who are good for you. its about feeling#abandoned by your god. its about eating good food. or yknow thats all the stuff ive got written so far but need to edit etc etc#zelink#ganzelink#how is it that im STILL not comfy promoting my fics. ill never get the hang of it i think.#i also posted this fic the other day and lost a user sub which is SO 🥲 like i know i mostly write for naruto but guys i actually. do enjoy#other things lmao#my art
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
wanted to go to the gym social tn but as I was getting my stuff together to go out, a friend said smth that rly pissed me off and now I'm too fucking angry to go out. fucks sake man
#fucking hate ppl commenting on my 'self control' for being sober bc I get it all the fucking time and its so patronising !!!!!!#even if its not intended that way. dont care didnt fucking ask. especially from someone im friends with#but whatever i should know better than to expect ppl to know me#maybe other ppl need discipline to stay sober but i dont bc the alternative is a non option and always has been. not that hard for me#and i have my own self control struggles w other shit man like im not pristine and perfect fuck off. you only dont know abt the#shit i actually fucking struggle with bc i dont know or trust u well enough for that.#and i HATE when ppl fucking imply im susceptible to peer pressure. im not. dont fucking overestimate your influence#ppl act like shit is a choice like actually i have a trauma rooted fear that comes from ppl in my family dying of substance abuse thanks 👍#which i dont expect strangers to know. but my friends should fucking know that!!! but i guess its not worth remembering#whatever it doesnt matter im prolly upset for other reasons im going to go out for a walk to calm down i cant be at home right now#even more fucking annoyed that im missing the gym over this. i shouldve been there an hour ago.#i mean i could still go maybe the cycle ride would stop me feeling mad and blowing everyone up once im there. i doubt it tho#UGH. fucking whatever. whatever whatever whatever. sorry for ventposting i was typing out a longass reply#but its not gonna fucking do anything except come across needlessly aggressive and ruin the conversation#even if i really really want to be needlessly aggressive. and ruin the conversation. but i guess i have the self control to not. lmfao#what if i just killed myself. anyway i think im gonna go get some shitty fast food on this walk and watch a horror movie when im back#.vent
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.
#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy#which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself#but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible#and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them#and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them#and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it#and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about#but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me#even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around#And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes#somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much#but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself#so everything they had said about me has been true for so long.#every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car#every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart#i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god#im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up.#i think im going to throw up right now.#deeply pathetic.#news with isaac
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
Do you think that I'd still hate my body
If I grew wings and disappeared into the sky?
I don't think anybody's words would matter
When I could swoop down and kill them from thirty feet high
a vibe
#i know its not exactly the same since im skinney but its still a vibe#thats always what people comment on first “man youre skinney as a whil skinney as a rail do you even eat” the whole shibang#but doint praise it please im not healthy i want more weight its hard enough eating enough for everyday#ive missed periods cause of my weight before#both extremes are not healthy#i love food but it will be hours before ill drag myself to take a bite#my stomach is growling rn but why should I eat?#i feel like throwing up before i take up a fork#Spotify
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
#sky delete this#i woke up and the first thing on my mind was how much i miss him#God i miss him so much i don't know what to do without him#just a few days ago i got up in the middle of the night and cuddled him on the chair in the living room#and he nuzzled his nose right into my neck like he always did#and now he's gone and im awake in the middle of the night without the ability to run to him#I'll never get to stare into his little teddy-bear eyes again as i carry him like a baby#I'll never get to play hide and seek with him or watch him twirl for a bite of my food#I can't kiss his little head anymore and it's killing me#8 years didn't feel like enough for me#i needed him. i still need him
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
..
#what does it mean if you keep waking up with your heart racing painfully and you're shaking and panicked like every morning? :'(#even when you don't remember having a nightmare or a big upset right before falling asleep#and not even like something big and scary happening today :( i'm visiting friends i miss and im on speaking terms with all my loved ones :(#also feeling very fatigued and tired :( have i been having nightmares even on the nights i don't remember them?#i've been getting adequate lengths of sleep... is my body still thinking it's in crisis mode when i wake up? :(#i know probably nobody can help or knows the answer but i'll give it a shot anyway#also every single morning it takes an hour or two or three for specifically frankie to calm down and not be um :'(#like very angry and defensive and hurt and paranoid and stuff and it seems he always needs time and caffeine to help him calm down#and tobacco now too but i'm starting to get really worried about our health in general about all of this :'(#we've always had a really hard time eating any food before four hours after waking up is it something to do with that?#thank you for reading and listening to anyone who made it this far i don't want my headmate and i to experience morning scaries everyday :')#my post
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
finally back in my darling wales & i have never been happier - ive pigeons on my windowsill & sparrows popping by & im at peace
#stream#bc i finally feel safe#im home#W MY THINGS#IN SOMEWHERE I KNOW#W NOT HORRIBLE PPL#i mean some yes but still they grow on me like yes that is random asshole no3 but he has a dog w a lot of personality so he’s cool#like this city is so small despite being … rhe biggest comparatively but still#im not even ‘at peace’ ive been up for like 30+hrs at this point & im still angry#i need to order food & im talking w my parents on how we’re going to sort out this phone & theyre doing this ALL WHILE WITHOUT power#im honestly just such a piece of shit i hate that im. such a problem#LIKE THIS YEAR HAS BEEN FUCKING TRASH#THIS MONTH ????? 2 MONTHS ?????????#absolutely horrible#cant believe im saying this but i miss the syphilis#at least i was taking so many fucking trammys i was just coasting#& now im like#continually talking myself down from snorting all the meth & coke & od’ing again ASKLJALDJKAKSJDLAJSDALSKJDLKAJSLDj#liek i know i cant keep doing this much ket like my bladder was alrdy feisty & this wont help#anyway#i just#wherer the smack plugs oh my god
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i am so tired today my whole body hurts
#im laying down n still everything aches#im also so hungry but we wont have food until my mom goes to the store at like 7pm o(-<#normally id try to sleep again until then but i dont want 2 miss out on the Active Hours#but og...... man even my brain feels like it is suspended in tar#i was trying to even just play sims 4 and i couldnt focus at all
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok i survived yom kippur. but it took every single scrap of strength in my body and i’m not completely better yet
#purrs#food#ask to tag#got my period thursday… bad cramps friday and saturday to the point where i had to go home early saturday (we were working lol 🤪)…. woke up#sunday with a. headache that got worse and worse throughout the day… 5-6 hours into the fast was in agony and felt like i was going to ****#so i… broke the fast and ate something at like 1am. then woke up in agony at 5am and then again at 9am and had a breakdown / fight with my#mom and then spend the whole rest of the fast deathly nauseous and my head hurting worse than ever. broke the fast an hour before everyone#else did (only ate a tiny bit) and then during the fast breaking dinner i started freaking out bc eating wasn’t making my head hurt less so#my grandpa told me to go lie down with a heating pad on my head and i did and slept for like 2 hours and it helped. finally feel better but#my head still hurts faintly and im scared it’ll come back. also i didn’t do my homework and missed class today to fast so im fucked#ive had headaches like this before but this is the worst one in a LONG time. it wasn’t a migraine bc those are in one specific spot iirc but#this was like… my ENTIRE face and the source of the pain migrated from my jaw to my temple to the bridge of my nose to the back of my head#etc etc and it kept moving around and was so sharp i didn’t even have the strength to open my eyes or walk around. and i think it was making#me interpret hunger as nausea. also i took my temperature bc i was flashing hot and cold and was like 2 degrees under normal body temp and#felt so weak and shaky and had body aches too. lol 😍 hpefully the worst of it is over but my head still hurts a little and im so scared itll#happen again. that was by far my worst fasting experience ever#delete later
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
Love having a jewish friend again after a few years of knowing no jews so I can celebrate holidays and stuff again
#me and my bestie celevrated Purim together last month and it was so much fun i forgot how much i missed it#i grew up woth several jewish friends and their mom and grandmas would always teach me cooking stuff#i was also always invited over for every holiday that includes cooking a feast (most jewish jolidays tbh) it was so fun#i know i can still cook jewish foods and celebrate in my own minor way but A im not jewish so it feels Wrong to do it alone#B most holidays are spent with family and community there arent really many solitary jewish things#if converting to Judaism wasnt Such a process (i inderstand why it is and respect it) i woupd probably convert tbh#like if i had to pick a religion it would probably be judaism ive never felt so welcomed and comfortable as i have surrounded by jews
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok tumblr really *has* broken my speaking mannerisms, at work I found two cup lids that had melted together inseparably and muttered "this, too, is yuri" as if that's a normal thing to say on a sunday morning
#life update i am tired and so is everyone else#my sister went to the ER last night for chest pain (she's ok it seems though still not great)#work's had the busiest week of sales ive seen thanks to march madness but we're short staffed#two of my coworkers were arrested this week and one went home after a mental breakdown#and tomorrow after the sun goes out for a bit we're gonna service everyone wanting food for the mm finale#might end up working overtime for a third day though i feel like it'll cancel out w the hours i missed this morning#when i was too nauseous to work due to all the painkillers i took last on an empty stomach last week#but honestly im doing ok i just want a fucking break and so does everyone else i know it seems#feels weird venting here but i guess it's better than silence#and at least i have weird events to explain my inactivity instead of 'idk brain bad :/' like before
4 notes
·
View notes