#and i know ppl around me are tired of me
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Everything's fine as long as I'm trying. Slow progress is still progress :3 ← about to smash his head with a hammer
#my uni i killing me#and i know ppl around me are tired of me#because i lag behind and i'm confused about my tasks#and everyone is annoyed at me and they think i'm stupid#just because i'm a bit less talented when it comes to technical skills#i shouldn't even be studying computer science. i'm an artist#uh every time i think i'm no longer depressed i'm painfully reminded that depression is untreatable#the weather is getting better but i'm not. and i can't even look forward to the easter break#because i have another round of idiotic exams before it#vent#faceless
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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who the fuck is he to even observe my presence
#me whenever my cousin introduces one of her new guys to me#my post#aroace#aromantic#aro#idk i just don't want to know or be around or even perceived by ppl i don't know or trust#social anxiety#social anxiety disorder#i'm tired
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thinking about when i was happiest in the past 3 years and i honestly believe it was when i got bg3 in ea and just disconnected from the world
#em: txt#in the trenches rn#tired of checking up on others but not getting that sort of attention back#i can tell ppl around me care less and less#i was planning on going ham in the tags and vent but i don't even know what to say anymore#i'm just tired
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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starting to consider the option that i may not be the worst person on earth and i actually may even be p decent. will keep you updated as i find out more information
#you know how after a good week you may have a crash#i'm having the opposite of this rn#had terrible awful 2 weeks of mental health like we're talking being actively suicidal again and having trouble getting out of bed#and now i'm like. i'm fine i'm chill. i'm tired but i give 100% into my work and manage to get excited about things. holy shit?#but also on a personal 'maybe i'm not horrible' level. i think being around people showed me that i'm okay#like. my standards for myself are way too high. other ppl don't judge me like that. they like me a lot anyway#i try hard to be nice and polite and help in ways i can and i don't cause too much of a stir#i feel like i'm annoying sometimes but ppl still talk to me so. maybe i'm only annoying myself#or maybe being annoying isn't as big of a crime as my brain may tell me it is lol#this is very basic surface level stuff i know but. gotta start somewhere ig 😭#anyway. ignore my character development there. hope it doesn't ruin the image of the edgy kicked puppy i usually give off.
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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Well I got a job
#ramblings of an arrow#I realize I probably should be celebrating#and this is an objectively good thing#and not the end of the world#I am just kinda still tired and burned out lol and not looking forward to working full time again#especially since last time I worked full time I was usually sneaking out early and not actually being there a full 8 hours#which worked fine because I was the only one in the office#which will not work at all at this job that actually has other ppl around lol#it will probably be good for me to have a routine though#and I Know that having consistent income will do wonders for my mental health#I am just...... like already feeling tired in anticipation lol#the irony#I wont start for 2 weeks#and I wanna get art shit done before then#but I have been washed in a wave of exhaustion and now I dont know if I will be able to#which is not great considering I doubt I will have much time for art at all with a full time job#anyways I am so normal and things are fine and Im not having a mental breakdown about this#this is an objectively good thing#it is#i just also wish ubi was a thing so I didnt have to have extreme financial anxiety and could be unemployed and focus on art without#the financial anxiety in the way#i will live#things will be okay#im in a supportef enough position that if it sucks I Can quit#so like no matter what things will be FINE And I just need to calm the fuck down
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#things don't really usually get to me like this so idk what is it this time#but all this fucking les-tappen disk horse going around is so tiring#now ppl talking about what kind of characterizations and tropes are okay and accurate and whatnot#and i agree on some points! certain things annoy me too!#but this talk especially coming from ppl who don't write themselves is bothering me a bit#who have never sat at their keyboard at 1am in love with the story they're crafting barely able to wait to post and see ppl's reactions#i'm suddenly full of doubt like what if what i'm writing is horseshit why bother sharing it#and i know my stories will have their readers and i shouldn't have doubts if ppl don't like them they can just click away i've accepted thi#but i really do but i think this sort of talk is not very encouraging to writers in general no matter what tropes they write#just having a moment here i will continue to write and maybe publish something again some day i'm just frustrated rn#biannual bitching session over#i didn't even say half i wanted to say#maybe i will continue bitching later who knows#talking
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🧸🧃⛈️
#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset#bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard#nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc#nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time#in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders....#it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me#(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them)#the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply#also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T#i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!!#my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol#i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot#why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days#many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk#but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie#yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it#hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours#then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do
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Oh to be Suzanne Collins and have little social media presence and to write a book regarding whatever current societal trend is bothering her at the moment.
#i am feeling. bothered. this weekend#i am hanging out with my wealthy cousins for their bridal shower--thank christ they are not asking me to bring anything--and tired#everyone always talking about their accomplishments and im liek... pls im wanting to go back to my boyfriend and cat right now#everyone asking what i'm doing for work--because that's all ppl seem to care about in this goddamn family--and i have to say#'i'm looking for something else'#like yoo i already lied a whole year about freelancing when really i was attempting to freelance but not getting anywhere#like i was all 'oh i make x a month just workig on my computer!' when really i was making diddly squat#end this fucking generational cycle of lying about yourself because you have to prove to everyone you are ok#i want the suzanne collins life where i can do my writing hobby without putting this fake social media persona on where i police my thought#and only post about cutesy happy things (since my genre is cozy fantasy; i have no intelligence to write anything more complex#and no passion to write anythign other than sf/f#BUT SHOUTOUT TO MY COUSIN'S HUSBAND WHO ASKED IF I READ AND MENTIONED THE WHEEL OF TIME SERIES AND MY NEURONS ACTIVATED LIKE 'HAVE YOU HEAR#OF PRATCHETT AND BRANDON SANDERSON AND GAIMAN? I CAN GIVE YOU RECS#but other than that i have to deal with my aunts bragging about their kids#one of my aunts is kind of colder and i always got this weird vibe from her like i had to earn her love which... ok. whatever. i also think#she considers me very dumb#the only bright side to any of this shit is im not in college anymore thank christ#all my cousins who are in college still have this... 'energy' around them#you know? that 'wanna kms low key but im pretending to smile and laugh' energy#delete later#tw family
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im gonna actually fucking lose it
#im texting like three different ppl#none of whom are replying to me#and its occured to me that the thread im hanging on by is unbelievably thin#literally one more thing happens and im attempting. i dont care. i dont.#maybe theyre just busy#i know one of them is probably just busy#but the other#i can see you online! i can see it!#youre ignoring me! youre tired of me i knew it#i knew itd come around eventually#did you know thats why im going to a different college?#i know what we planned. but i can die somewhere new#i miss my whole arms being destroyed#theres not even proof anymore#im so tired. i want to die
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i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed
#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant#its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things#we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt?#i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an#me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could#feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly#accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore#what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back#with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other??#why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used#to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this??#i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting#for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our#bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us??#im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70#yapping#vent
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Irene bro if you see this I want you to know I've been podcasting (talking loudly and emphatically to myself) abt that Grammy Gun post for Hours. I started ranting in the rb tags and then I got so mad I started a spreadsheet on my phone Yes I have the Excel app. No I did not finish my tags
#Pacing around my house ''IN LIEU OF A PERSONALITY TAYLOR HAS A MARKETING STRATEGY AND THAT'S WHY WHITE AMERICANS LOVE HER''#''BC SHE'S A WHITE GIRL NEPOBABY & THEREBY PERFECTLY EMBODIES WESTERN IDEALS: MARTYR COMPLEX + ARYAN PROFIT + QTY>QUALITY + CENTRIST + MID'#''AND IT'S PROBABLY TOO GENEROUS TO CALL HER A CENTRIST WHEN SHE'S NEVER REBUKED THE PPL WHO CLAIM HER AS THEIR ARYAN PRINCESS''#''THE VENN DIAGRAM OF PPL WHO ARE SICK OF HEARING ABT PALESTINE AND PPL WHO CAPE FOR TAYLOR IS ALMOST CERTAINLY A SINGLE PERFECT CIRCLE''#''IN WHAT WORLD IS SHE A TORTURED POET HER WRITING IS ON PAR WITH RUPI KAUR AND— WHO'S EMAILING ME FUCK OFF''#In the shower ''AND ANOTHER THING''#She's the physical manifestation of privileged ppl's desire to be oppressed bc they can't stand when the convo isn't abt them lmfaooooo#''it's hard for skinny white conventionally attractive cishet ppl whose fathers were bankers too!!! Don't erase my truth!!! 😭''#''Taylor is the number one most streamed/whatever artist in the world''#Popularity or notoriety? Bc the US is also well-known for Trump + Texas + public shootings + genocide + wasting money on football stadiums#But again! She's the Western/American Ideal Made Flesh! It's Punk To Have Money And Connections!#And Being White Is The Punkest Of ALL!#Oh my Christ I say this all the time but if university classes have to be offered on her they should be in Marketing and Ethics#She should be a business school case study and that is NOOOT a. Compliment#She couldn't even stick with country bc how truly country of an experience could she have had when her daddy was rich like#She doesn't have the range like idc if you like her just don't act like she's revolutionary when all her movements are calculated + LATERAL#It's not art it's business acumen please she is rewarded by the Grammies bc they respect her for upholding Capitalism I'm so tired#Remember when they gave AOTY to HARRY last year when Beyoncé and Benitito were RIGHT THERE#It's propaganda just like the news plzzzzzzzzzzzz you are all lemmings and she know it which is why she is so good at CONNING YOU#ME N BRO TAG#These are not the comments I wrote on that post you tagged me in btw I got out of the shower to write these FRESH#You know Kacey Musgraves is coming out w a new record too and even tho she got cut out of the CMAs last time she's still proudly country...#I am never drying my hair at this rate#Too busy explaining to you - in complete detail -..........
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honestly i wish i didnt know as much as i do about occultism and spirituality because it is so fucking frustrating to see ppl talk about it and they very obviously do not have the knowledge that i have. like i am so open to being wrong, but i see things that ppl are saying and i'm fairly certain that they just ... do not have the depth of knowledge i do, so they say very ignorant things, or draw lines between things in an incredibly (potentially dangerously) overgeneralized way. and i am just sitting here like "oh you have no clue what you are saying right now, do you? you do not realize what you are saying is unfortunately pretty damn wrong." and i have to back away from the screen bc i do not discuss these things anymore due to the brain being constantly ready to dropkick me straight into a mental health crisis
but christ alive i think anyone who engages with spirituality needs to read up on like. essentially Everything they can get their hands on, even if they do not necessarily agree with the ideas being presented, because that way !! you learn !! and you grow to realize what things are borne out of racism and grossly mystifying other cultures and straight up white supremacy and nazi ideology and encouraging psychotic symptoms that lead to mental health crises !!!
#i hate new age spirituality so much. soooo much. 90% of it is just racism repackaged with a pretty bow on top#and nobody realizes bc they do not know what the fuck they are engaging with :))) what the roots of it all actually is !!!#and i do not necessarily blame them but i am so .... its tiring. and disconcerting. and scary. to see all of it being paraded around#esp when ppl accuse you of being ignorant or cruel for criticising smth that is so fucking dangerous or racist hsdgjkl ARGH ARGH ARGH#just bc they themselves do not realize !! it is dangerous and/or racist!! and they assume you must be wrong to criticise them!!!#sorry im just hgdsgjkl. this drives me crazy. i also hope i dont sound egotistical or high-n-mighty#but i do genuinely know i have more knowledge than the average bear (not difficult to though tbh! u just have to read a lot!!)#because i was so fucking fixated on it and went delving into so many books and pdfs and websites and did my own stuff on my own time#for several years#i was DEEP in this stuff (and boy howdy my mental health suffered for it lmfao me when i lose touch w reality almost entirely !!)#AND OBVIOUSLY. not everyone is going to have the same exps i did when they do spirituality stuff#but . it is very common esp these days. there is a whole label for it lol#ALRIGHT IM DONE RANTING NOW. im going to log off from everything for a good long while today to try to reset my nervous system lmfao#sorry for the public yelling and wailing fsdfjkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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#anyone ever get the motivation for self improvement but get like too embarrassed to ask for help#from the ppl around you?#or is it just me#it’s smth i’ve been thinking about for a few weeks#and mayhaps at the grand old age of almost 28 i should consider some like. actual self care#i told myself 2024 would be my year. i passed my driving test. picked up creative hobbies#and now its probably time to like. care about myself ?#but idk its embarrassing to ask for advice you know? 😖#idk i’m tired of being tired. of feeling low etc etc#personal
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