#and i know ppl around me are tired of me
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Everything's fine as long as I'm trying. Slow progress is still progress :3 ← about to smash his head with a hammer
#my uni i killing me#and i know ppl around me are tired of me#because i lag behind and i'm confused about my tasks#and everyone is annoyed at me and they think i'm stupid#just because i'm a bit less talented when it comes to technical skills#i shouldn't even be studying computer science. i'm an artist#uh every time i think i'm no longer depressed i'm painfully reminded that depression is untreatable#the weather is getting better but i'm not. and i can't even look forward to the easter break#because i have another round of idiotic exams before it#vent#faceless
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Discord is basically a spyware program with the NSA crawling through it so no shit Russia blocked it. If I were in conflict with the USA I'd block all the shit I possibly could
usa is shit, but don't you come to my DMs trying to defend russians gov
bc they are shit too, I'd say they are worse but honestly I don't think its productive to argue on which's government is crappier
#Like... Just don't even start it#Get lost#Leave me be#Im tired#Yes YES there are fucking spies everywhere and internet is a horrible place yes we all know#But regular people just want to be able to talk to their friends and family and coworkers and commissioners and etc#And what alternative they have?#Im sharing my friend's post about the ways people in russia can walk around ban and still use discord to be able to contact to other ppl#I dont think i need you to come and explain me russian governments perspective because i sincerely wish most of them to die and rot in hell#And before you ask yes im russian but at this point anyone should wish the same imo
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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i'm trying to watch a trans guy critique some video game trans rep bc i'm interested in hearing more trans ppl talk about it. but he's very. i'm paraphrasing here but "why would anyone ever in a million years want their rpg character to have top surgery scars. isnt that a constant reminder to you and everyone around you about how you were born" and "you don't work on transitioning. you just need hormone treatment and possibly some--"
#i get that some trans men need to fight themselves and everyone around them to feel ''man enough'' in like a semi toxic masculinity way#but its kinda tiring to hear ngl. im sorry you feel that way and i know not having been born cis sucks and i understand your emotions but d#you have to make them my problem. like idk i feel like my transition DID take work and#personally for me my top surgery scars are a positive reminder of how far ive gotten#when i pay them any attention. which is not very often#man im just existing not analyzing every part of my body at all times#yknow. some ppl sound like they watched a bit too much of a certain youtuber who was rancid about other trans men and talked about stuff li#like how theres a mens and womens way to flip your middle finger and stuff.#sight thats so besides the point#anyways i am open to hearing opinions that differ from mine and i want to do that but some people you just dont vibe with#leevi talks#obvs no hate to this creator btw. he speaks about stuff very well but some little word choices here and there rub me the wrong way#and he has good points so far i am intrigued of what he has to say i just needed a break to bitch so i can continue#edit: no this video isnt even good. like i dont agree with bioware but he sounds like hes just on purpose misunderstanding everything#so he has more stuff to get mad about for his video#is it ragebait
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who the fuck is he to even observe my presence
#me whenever my cousin introduces one of her new guys to me#my post#aroace#aromantic#aro#idk i just don't want to know or be around or even perceived by ppl i don't know or trust#social anxiety#social anxiety disorder#i'm tired
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Yall don't gotta argue with dumb ppl on my behalf- some ppl are just straight up stupid and you can't change that, you're not gonna get anywhere. You can give them all the proof and argue all the logic but it just doesn't matter to them. It's just a waste of your time to try sadly. Especially if they're bigoted, they'll just double down on everything they said bc they think they have a right to be that way to those they don't like. They can rb all the "black fears matter" type of posts they want until all of a sudden they find one of us that speaks up a lil too much for their tastes. Especially if u bring up one of their friends being bigoted or otherwise awful. Then it's suddenly ok to tell u to kill yourself, that you're crazy/mentally unwell etc etc. And they'll swear by their right to do so. The only thing u can do about weirdos like that is to let them run their mouths and block them- they'll make themselves look bad on their own, you don't gotta do it for them. Like I know i waste my time but yall don't gotta waste yours lol. Just leave em be, they're truly not anybody important anyways.
#ceci speaks#nonsims#text#negative#kinda#i always get surprised when random ppl talk about me for days on end but like#in the end it just shows where their head is at ya know#cos theyll be going on and on and im still trying to figure out who they are#its kinda like ppl get this weird parasocial onesided beef sometimes idk#and they get the maddest when u stop mentioning them#thats when they get real big and bad but its all talk really#tryna look cool for their friends or somethin#when ya know they wouldnt dare to say the same stuff face to face?#like middle school kids p much#thats when u just gotta let em run around in circles til they tire themselves out#just my advice as a person that has seen a loooot of weirdos on here lol... they got a pattern
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bro remember ace discourse. that was cringey as hell. completely embarrassing for everyone involved
#everyone involved = ppl who actually partook in this and harassed asexuals on the site or kept talking abt how cringe we are. tbc#i didn't even know i was acespec at the time. i had ace tumblr friends msging me thanks for standing up to them#the fact there's still shit like this going around... like the alloaro discourse... aren't you tired. why do you even care#what is it abt how other ppl identify that ticks ppl off so much 😭😭😭 how does it help anyone genuinely#tldr: fucking cringe. get well soon
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love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time
#abc shut it#im tired of fighting it and trying to participate in life when it feels like i dont exist#love being lonely and then being told its due to my bad mental health so i pretend it doesnt affect me and i try and be myself#and no one likes me and i dont exist unless i remind people im a person so its kinda like#at a point where its not just suicidal ideation#its just a situation of /when/ and not if haha#ive been alive for 26 years and 20 of those have been exhausting as hell im ready to be done#exhausting and lonely and isolating im sick of it#i try and i try and my life doesnt get better or anymore worth living#and when i vent abt it i get told i need to try harder and im not trying at all and i need to stop being so depressed#its hard to not be depressed when the universe gives everyone around me a better experiences than me#i feel like im screaming that im here please pay attention#and nothing#i talk and my voice gets ignored or i get talked over#i post online to try and start conversations or make friends and i just get ignored#like do i exist at all to anyone else but myself#im trying to reach out and make friends but none of the ppl i wanna make friends with seem interested in having a conversation with me#i add all these people to discord and message them all the time#but nothing gets passed me sending them messages no one ever fucking messages me first#it feels like no one thinks about me and i dont matter#literally no one gives a fuck what i have to say#or anytime i talked im corrected on SOMETHING i say or i get a belittled in response#i cant do this shit anymore i cant#no one gives a shit about what i have to say and its really coming across that no one likes me#bc if my friends cant text me first or respond to my messages at all#why am i in the wrong feeling like im alone and have no friends when im the only one reaching out ever if i wanna have a conversation#and when i do feel like im allowed to talk i just talk and talk and talk and know the people dont give a shit abt what i have to say#i jsut feel like im here to be talked at and do things for other people and nothing more#that whenever i have an emotion its wrong and i need to bottle it up#and i dont eve get a chance to learn how to manage my emotions bc it feels like im going to get scolded or belittled for feeling things
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If I had a nickel for every incarnation of princess zelda I think is transmasc. I'd have two nickels
#spitblaze says things#not 2 say ill turn up my nose at any transfem interpretations of EoW zelda#just that i see the amount of ppl who clock her as a man (link but still) when they see her in the cloak and her lack of reaction to it#and the sword transforming her into link and how her voice drops when it happens#and like im *well aware* of the misogyny this series is drenched in and even this entry#zelda cant hold a sword forwver bc shed get too tired. boooo she can pick up her hard light lynels and strut around with em like its NOTHIN#and its stupid and misogynist to not even let zelda be zelda with the sword. shes gotta be link#anyway now that ive made my critiques against the doylist side of things#it feels very telling that the music goes all upbeat and triumphant when zelda gets magically forcemasced#its not diagetic and one is potentially left to infer that its a representation of how zelda feels#and compared to the baseline. its more energetic. more vibrant. empowering and encouraging#and ik link is the courage guy but im like 80% sure this game is pre-oot on the timeline#(other 20% says its on the defeated hero timeline)#but like. the point here is. zelda gets genderbent temporarily and the implication from the music and how it plays that she enjoys it#the bar is on the floor. i know. but you cant just give me a girl being mistaken for and turning into a boy and seemingly enjoying it#without expecting me to go 🤨🏳️⚧️❓️#loz#also link is a girl. it has to equal out#they r t4t transhet in every timeline <3
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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thinking about when i was happiest in the past 3 years and i honestly believe it was when i got bg3 in ea and just disconnected from the world
#em: txt#in the trenches rn#tired of checking up on others but not getting that sort of attention back#i can tell ppl around me care less and less#i was planning on going ham in the tags and vent but i don't even know what to say anymore#i'm just tired
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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another day, another complete stranger asking to be friends with me on websites (not tumblr)
the urge to delete everything and keep all my accounts everywhere all empty and private. there's nothing I hate more than people who ask complete strangers to be friends with them, you've never seen me before, you've never interacted with me before, you know nothing about me, and yet you want to be friends with me? no I don't think so, you don't, you're looking for friends but you don't want to be friends with ME because you don't know anything about me. the internet is not any different from real life in this sense, you naturally build relationships with people by continuously interacting them more frequently and more closely over time, until you become friends naturally without ever having to ask "do you want to be friends?" like a robot. i already emptied my rateyourmusic account, no profile picture, no username, no country, no comment section, because annoying losers kept bugging me like this. do I have to use "DONT TALK TO ME LEAVE ME ALONE I DONT WANT FRIENDS" as my username everywhere? god...
#^ reasons why I'm like 99% sure that I'm schizotypal#because i have no social life and almost no friends#but it's not an issue of me not knowing how to be social or other ppl disliking me#(even if both of those are also true LOL)#the actual issue is that I just dislike ppl#Idc about the ppl that exist around me never cared never will#ive never felt anything towards anybody#everyone always pisses me off everyone always tires me everyone is always distant from me#and yet I also whine about being alone and yearn for relationships... make it make sense#I'm insane there's no other way around it
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i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed
#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant#its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things#we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt?#i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an#me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could#feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly#accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore#what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back#with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other??#why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used#to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this??#i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting#for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our#bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us??#im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70#yapping#vent
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if we get ready for bed RIGHT NOW there's a world where I finish the writing of little's pov. tonight. AH
#b-b-but i still need to finish jopson#UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH AND EDIT#listen listen i know technically i have time#it is what it is and these ppl are so kind i know i could be like its so close just give me a little bit but#consider that i want this to be up now bc im tired of not sharing it with ppl UGH#its hard tho bc i know in general im a slower person both at writing and reading#but i'll take my time and itll still be good#im here for the long haul so ppl will just be like oh#theres that guy still going around and itll be nice
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