#and i knew enough to recognize them
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i had to read the kazuha and scaramouche lore because i watched the irodori festival cutscenes on youtube and i still had no idea what the whole issue with the raiden gokaden was. only to find out there’s all this lore about scaramouche’s friend/kazuha’s ancestor from 500 years ago hidden on the flavor text for husk of opulent dreams artifact set and katsuragikiri nagamasa, and random notes you can find on tatarasuna. i don’t know which is worse: putting important lore in limited time events with no reruns or putting important lore in flavor text that no one reads.
#it’s definitely putting lore in events that get no reruns#at least the flavor text it’s like ok ok that’s technically on me for not reading it#but i’m also right to do that who has the patience for that#anyways i’m gonna watch labyrinth warriors next then the lantern festivals#genshin impact#this post is from a few days ago#when i stayed up late reading the wiki and then woke up at 5am for my flight home#and today it pays off because the 3.3 trailer had katsuragi and nagamasa in it#and i knew enough to recognize them
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POOR GABRIEL MONTEZ! YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING DID YOU? ALL YOU WANTED WAS POWER. SECURITY. SAFETY. & THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT! JUST IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR BODY. LETS JUST HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS JUST HOPE YOU WONT HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw gore#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi suckening#jrwi gabriel#jrwi gabriel montez#LOOK FAMILIAR?hahahahahDONT WORRY#IM REUPLOADING THIS HERE BC i fixed up the drawing a lil. and also i wanted to add main tags#U WONT SEE ANY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THISSUN N THE POST ON MY SIDEBLOG.i changed the image there too.HA!!!!!!!#ANYWAY.i rambled plenty about pain and gabe on my sideblog.SO LETS TALK ABT THE ART SHALL WE.ihad i very hard time getting the colors down#would u believe i nearly left this uncolored??FUCKED UP!! it was only a sketchhow did it end up like this. it was only a sketch...#BUT IM RLY GLAD I WENT W COLORING IT.this time i actually used the airbrush n pencil tools BUT i also have a handy dandy brush i made#its just the mspaint air brush tool. fucking LOVE THAT THING. but now its in fire alpaca and it can be slightly transparent.IT LOOKS SOGOOD#perfect for splatters and grime.i love you mspaint i love youuu.im also so happy w the blood here.i think i reached a shift last year#back when i made that genloss fanart something abt the way i draw blood finally CLICKED and im like OH. the inside must always be darker.#like i KNEW that already but it was like my hand itself finally had it click.i wonder what i will learn next?I LIKE THE ORGANS HERE TOO#not as veiny or thready as i usually draw em. but i think thats fine. not as WET as id like em to be but thats also fine.#i got the point across. the point ofc being WOW THIS IS GRUESOME AND PAINFUL AND TERRIBLE#I LOVE HIS EXPRESSION.i love pain and thinking abt pain. you lose yourself to it after enough time passes of just being in an ocean o agony#at one point its just too tiresome to scream or writhe. theres a point when the body accepts it.sometimes.atleast.#OHHH GABRIEL AS A CHARACTER DELIGHTS ME SO MUCH.he is a dog to me.a thing to serve others.I WISH I KNEW MORE#WHAT ELSE DID YOU WANT BOY?? SURE POWER AND SECURITY AND SAFETY ARE NICE.BUT DID YOU HAVE DREAMS? WANTS? PASSIONS?#WHAT WAS THE STORY BEHIND THAT TIGER TATTOO ON YOUR ARM?WHAT DO THE DOGTAGS SAY BOY?I WISH I COULD HAVE TEA W U#OHHH TO SIT DOWN WITH A CHARACTER AND JUST SPEAK TO THEM. AND YET. AND YET IN THE END ITS ALL TRAGEDY AND COMEDY#TRAGEDY AND COMEDY THAT IS SO SO PAINFULLY UNBALANCED. SIGH.#WHATEVER CMERE BOY YOURE BECOMING AN OC OF MINE NOW UR GONNA BE IN SPACE AND UR NAME IS GONNA BE VINEGAR#UR STILL GONNA BE SHIP OF THESEUSED THOUGH. OOOHHH GABRIEEELLL GABRIEL MONTEEEZZZ#HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE BUILT INTO YOU.HOW MANY DID YOU LOVE AND CHERISH.HOW MANY TATTOOS DO U RECOGNIZE ON UR NEW ARMS#WHAT WAS IT LIKE? ON THE NIGHT U WERE SIRED?WERE YOU EXCITED? DID YOU SEE YOUR BOSS' FACE?WHAT WAS THIS PROMOTION LIKE?
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I think whats so compelling about Sanji is that he's so terribly self conscious about being masculine that anything that performs masculinity better than him (ie, Zoro, obliviously, minus the women-fucking part), or skews masculinity, is a threat to him. Which makes him rampantly homophobic and transphobic. And as he also believes masculinity needs to be focused around being horny for women makes him also rampantly misogynistic cause he can't actually see women past them being a sexual object. Anyways it all culminates in you the audience being fairly certain that this man cannot be straight due to this terribly obvious fragility around his masculinity, and that if he ever got dicked down, it might solve all these issues.
#sanji#black leg sanji#one piece#op sanji#congrats to oda to unintentionally making the epitome of a repressed bi man who desperately refuses to acknowledge his queerness#its like wow! i knew a bunch of these in high school#anyways. thats my relationship to sanji. this man just needs to be dicked down. and then maybe he can start to tackle#his fragile masculinity and all that comes with it#i think thats also what makes zosan so appealing. other then them both being attractive. is that all of sanjis fragile masculinity#is threatened by zoro since zoro fits the rugged masculine architype much better then sanji and is close enough to sanji#in relation to being masc that sanji recognizes him as a 'competitor' to womanly affection. also one can argue zoro#being perceived as a threat can also come from sanji also liking zoro in that way and not wanting to admit it.#anyways that all makes it a very fun playground to work with#also like if they for one minute actually made him more focused on cooking and the all blue hed be a way more.interesting character#hugin rambles#hugin rambles op
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i got a goose tattooed on the inside of my forearm today and it was a flash piece but it's my favorite tattoo already it means everything to me i could sob
#i love geese so much and so deeply i named my dog after them#goose is my black dragon dog and my loyal faithful companion and my entire world#i just love these birds#they are so misunderstood as aggressive and scary when really they just are sensitive to spatial pressure#and they need a wider diameter than humans are often willing to give#but they are so beautiful i love their long graceful necks and how i can recognize their sounds anywhere#and that no matter where i live i see their little v's in the sky#and of course wild geese by mary oliver is one of the first poems i fell in love with#my english teacher deborah read it aloud to us in high school and it made me want to go outside and to stay alive#and when my gf and i first started dating i knew i loved her for lots of reasons but one of them was that she also loved geese#she told me she had a shared folder with her family members titled “geese i've seen” that she would put her goose photos in#so her entire family could witness them with her#i remember when i was sick with anorexia a few weeks before i was hospitalized a v of canadian geese flew over me on my way into work#and these big fluffy snowflakes were falling down and i could hear them calling#and it made my eyes well up#and i hoped they would get somewhere warm enough for winter#whether or not people have respect for them is a wonderful metric for gauging somebody's character#at the grocery store i worked at when i was 18 the only coworker i grew close to had a similar affinity for geese#she had a necklace of one#a little silver glinting goose in flight :'')#personal
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just watched my brother graduate
#he looks so different i havent seen him in YEARS#i was in preschool so i think. 11 years. idk im bad at math#but theres no way i wouldve recognized him if my dad hadnt pointed him out#post posting#told myself i wouldn't be all sad#but yk#cant help but wonder if he cares that we watched#or if his mom even told him#idk shes kinda#yk#i wonder if his mom will show him the video when i graduate#or if he'll even want to watch#ugh this SUCKS#i dont talk about him a lot but its mostly cause my dad doesnt tell me anything about him#i know its his son and he never gets to see him or anything#but hes also my brother#and im old enough to remember knowing him at one point#my other brother isnt#so like. both of them are feeling different things than i am. obviously.#but i cant talk to my friends about it#cause none of them have half siblings and people are SUPER weird about it for some reason#and i mean it just really sucks to have a literal brother who i knew at one point and have good memories with#but also know absolutely nothing about#i mean how can someone know absolutely nothing about their own brother#idk#its not like he knows much about me#hes older so maybe he remembers more#but i DOUBT his mom talks about us#i wonder if he even wants to get to know us
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Don't know whether it's a product of my upbringing or just part of who I am, but I really do tend to shrug off things that seem to send others into massive guilt spirals. Like, what's the point? Either you meant to do it or you didn't. If you meant to do it but regret it now, make what amends you can & resolve to do better, then move on. If you didn't mean to, be honest about it, apologize if need be, & try to do better. Then move on.
Beating yourself up truly serves no purpose. What are we, catholic? If there is a god, I truly don't think they'd care, anyways
#speculation nation#religion might have some part in it. i was taught a flavor of christianity that portrayed god as loving above all else.#portrayed god as *forgiving*. thats the point of jesus dying on the cross? forgiving your sins?#i was taught that so long as you tried to do good and believed in god then you would go to heaven.#none of that internalized guilt shit. it really serves no purpose.#this could potentially stem from prior abuse too. in which case. well. i hope people can break out of those patterns of thought. sincerely.#i have a history with abuse but idk ive run under a 'fuck those people' mentality. why should i run by the way they treated me?? genuinely.#no one person is singularly horrible and irredeemable. no not even you.#youre your harshest critic. you have front row seats to all ur nasty thoughts. things that most people dont say out loud.#everyone has nasty thoughts though. some more than others. but what matters is what you *do*. not what you think.#no one is gonna know any mean or awful thoughts you have if you dont tell them. thought crimes arent real. what matters is what you *do*.#and even for the things you do wrong. everyone makes mistakes. just work to do better next time.#genuinely makes me so sad to see polls asking about ppl's self perceptions & seeing majority of ppl so down on themselves.#like come on. i used to think i was an awful person bc i knew all the mean and kind of manipulative things id think.#but eventually i recognized that no one is perfect and everyone has ugly thoughts. just do your best to do good & learn from your mistakes.#if you do that much then youre a well-meaning human being. not perfect but no one is. that should be enough.#maybe if i exhibit enough of my 'idgaf' attitude about this kind of thing i can influence some other ppl with it as well. 🤔🤔 hmmm
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Say what you will about Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam.
But this was the game that finally put the kibosh on that stupid "Paper Mario is an uncaring jerk to his brother." joke of a joke from the first 3 PM games.
And I will love it just for that.
#paper mario#mario and luigi paper jam#rain plays paper jam#mario and luigi#good brother mario#and no - not immediately realizing he was talking to a different luigi doesn't count#PM was just isekai'd and had no one to explain this to him yet - of course he'd be confused!#for all he knew his luigi was just using a new power-up he'd never heard of before#no more leaving luigi house sitting even after being directly told his bro hates being left behind#no more turning luigi's biggest fan against him and enabling her bullying of him all so he can get a piece of cake#no more failing to recognize a brainwashed and desperately needing help luigi who's standing right in front of him in a cheap disguise#there aren't enough words in the English language to describe how much I hate those moments#and there's a non 0% chance they may have been the cause of those edgelord “Mario is an abusive monster” internet theories#which makes me hate them even more#sticker star didn't have this problem but it also didn't have a real solution either#you find luigi hiding around the world - you paperize - he runs off - do this five times and he shows up in the credits
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god this stupid fucking intracommunity infighting bullshit never ends and im so god damn tired. stop it. and if youre fucking discoursing this stupid shit you should have to add a fucking disclaimer to your fucking posts at least im tired of having to search yalls blogs when smth slightly off about your wording that i cant explain has me like hmmmmm and then i end up right and i really dont want to be
#toy txt post#INNOCUOUSLY WORDED POSTS THAT YOU AT FIRST AGREE WITH AND THEN YOU SEE THE PATTERN#WITH YOUR HORRIBLE BRAIN OH SO PRIMED FOR THESE STUPID FUCKING DISCOURSE HINTS FROM THE FUCKING YEARS OF#UNAVOIDABLE ACECOURSE. ARE YOU ACTUALLY CALLING OUT TRANSMISOGYNY OR DO YOU BELIEVE#THAT TRANSMASCS DISCUSSING TRANSANDROPHOBIA AND CREATING THEIR OWN TERM TO DESCRIBE IT IS 'TRANSMISOGYNY' AND#YOU CONSIDER DISCUSSING THE EXISTENCE OF TRANSANDROPHOBIA TO BE TRANSMISOGYNY? BC THAT IS A DIFFERENT THING.#YOU ARE MISUSING THE WORDS TO ENTRENCH YOUR STUPID FUCKING DISCOURSE#YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE ALL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS IN 2016 WHO MADE INNOCUOUS POSTS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOMOPHOBIA AND CISHETS#THAT AT FIRST YOU READ LIKE YEAH HOMOPHOBIA SUCKS AND THEN YOU RECOGNIZE THE URL. OR YOU SEE THE COMMENTS. AND YOU REALIZE#OH WHEN THIS PERSON SAYS HOMPHOBIA. THEY MEAN A-SPECS EXISTING AND COINING TERMINOLOGY FOR OURSELVES. WHEN THEY SAY CISHETS THEY MEAN#A-SPECS. BUT BC OF HOW INNOCUOUSLY WORDED THE POST IS YOU CANT CALL THEM ON IT WITHOUT LOOKING INSANE. ALSO. THE MOST RECENT EXAMPLE OF#THIS I SAW. THE PERSON WAS ALSO A FUCKING APHOBE. LMAO. BC OF COURSE THEY WERE. FUCKING OF COURSE#GOD. FUCKING. IM SO TIRED OF THIS. IM TURNING REBLOGS OFF ON THIS POST. I AM NOT GOING TO ENGAGE WITH ANYONE ON THIS TOPIC#to be clear. not every post. not saying every post. but enough times now ive seen posts where like. i already knew context 4the situation#and the person was absolutely just trying to hide behind their marginalized identity. or like the op was innocuous but their mutual#replied showing their true colors in the notes so Now. everytime i see one of these posts im like yeah. that is a fair point#I will agree that when transfem ppl online do anything ppl slightly dont like the response is often disproportionate in a way that is like.#hmm some transmisogyny at play here for sure. however. now i cant fucking trust you ppl making the fucking POSTS. and im so TIRED#conservatives are like making trans genocide like one of their main fucking platform points for 2024 and youre trying to drive more fucking#wedges in the community rn? really???? REALLY?#im so tired im so fucking tired. im turning reblogs off. do not contact me about thos post. check the context of posts ig bc ppl will#just fucking say anything#also god. i forgot about cl0set k3ys being an aphobe lmaooo#even if theyve apologized im just blocking based on that 2017 post alone god that was rancid. why did yoh say that. shut up forever. bye#im about to just start fucking blocking every user i see without bothering so search#like just every user regardless of vibes or content. just going to be me and my mutuals in here and all the posts they reblogged from#everyone i have blocked
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idk how to start this so this post is ab individual action, trying to motivate positive change in the world, etc etc
a lot of growing up in the US for me makes things feel more scary than they are. like it’s actually not that difficult to go out of your way to get a bottle of water or iced cup of water from some random drive through if you think you should do it. either fast food conglomerate or local actually, it’ll usually be cheaper than 5 dollars to get drinkable water. i try to have 5-10 dollars i can justify spending on water, and asking for change, because sometimes when i’m out driving i need to go grab water.
i do not do this for me as much as i try to do it specifically when i see someone who’s most likely homeless on a street corner. i’m sure one day i might do this and they might not be there when i come back, but what have i lost really? a bit of time and a bit of money that would’ve meant more to them, that i can hold onto until i see them next.
the pressure that a lot of people feel when they think “what can i do” comes from this grand narrative that the average citizen can singlehandedly fix the housing crisis. rich people? maybe. nonprofits? not in a day, not all one person still. what can i do is a question i ask a lot. what can i do, not just because it feels bad to move along like nothings wrong with the world, but what can i do that will do anything. what can i do that makes even the smallest change.
i feel like it took me too long to figure out a personal method to what i consider individual action. it’s taking time to get to my own financial stability to be able to do more. but for now it’s as simple as water and cash. not water and food, but water and cash.
individual action means a lot in small steps, go get a bottle of water bare minimum and the price of a meal if you can and then just give it to them. if it wasn’t such a miserably hot place where i live i would keep a pack of water in my car, which i still want to do for the sake of having immediate access to water to give someone who might need it- hot or cold sometimes won’t matter. but when it’s hot out, get cold water, if it’s cold out, a warm tea will hydrate more than coffee will as long as it’s not super caffeinated.
#very genuinely i’ve always felt paralyzed by the idea i cannot doing anything to help and on the grand scale i kind of can’t#i can’t give someone a house to stay in where i could take care of the space enough to get someone back on their own feet#but i can give someone water and some money for whatever they need#one day i’ll be able to do more but for now. water bottles and cash.#what i want to say here is everyone knows bare necessities and everyone knows ways to get them#i also have an opinion that you should sit with and hold the harsh feeling of seeing the world fall apart and help people survive anyway#idfk man#i’ve met some extremely fucking jaded people in my time at college who seem to have no way to piece together that they can do SOMETHING#one of my classmates once complained about feeling bad about not doing anything for a guy on a corner and i recognized who#because i’d seen him too and done nothing at least 5 times before one day on the way home i gave him all the cash i had on me#she’d said she’d do more if she wasn’t so scared and anxious of being hurt. i don’t see how he could even look harmful or dangerous#he blessed me and offered a hug and asked me to have a good day and said thank you and i still can’t see why she was scared of him#at the same time i hadn’t done anything until i saw myself in someone else and thought it looked nasty. looked uncaring.#i saw him again today and gave him a water bottle and all the cash i had on me. i told him the weather seemed hot#he agreed with me and he took the bottle of water#i think i interrupted him opening it to hand him the rest#he got up and he blessed me again#offered a hug and more thank you’s and it’s so simple but i felt us both human in that moment. talking about the weather in a brief exchange#wishing each other well as we go different ways#he wouldn’t stop thanking me and wishing me well#i told him it was the smallest thing i think anyone could do and i still walked away hollow wishing to have done more somehow#to suddenly own an apartment complex nearby for him and anyone he knew that needed it too#not a rigid shelter but a place to make home#blah blah blah talking too much about a deed done because i get emotional about humanity#tauto talks
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i think one of the things that make me a real oliver fan is that i watched the entirety of ratatoing
#i also did it before playing the full game but yknow. it still counts#like i immediately recognized the reference to the movie. like. i Knew#watching awful cg movies happens to be my hobby as well you see.#i love horrible movies but unfortunately i need friends to torture them with bc suffering is easier when youre not alone#but ive watched many. joshua and the promised land? i watched that one like 5 times#i tried to force my friend to watch plan bee with me but he wasn't strong enough. pathetic#oliver is simply a perfect match for me i mean who said that.
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Song of the Day: December 12
"The Long Goodbye" by Brooks & Dunn
#song of the day#did I ever tell y'all that around the end of September / beginning of October I went through and listened to every Brooks & Dunn song?#every non-Christmas song at least. full non-holiday-special discography#several times as I went through I found a song I didn't think I recognized and then when I started playing it I knew the words#this is one of them!#it's off their 2001 album 'Steers & Stripes' which--this was an odd thing to realize when I first saw it#y'all know that post that's like '9/11 didn't actually start the US nationalism. there's a reason 9/11 happened in 2001'?#Steers & Stripes came out in April of 2001 and the song 'Only in America' was already on it#(and also you know. the album is called 'Steers & Stripes'. a little embarrassing frankly)#an interesting marker in tracking the shift in country music from 'love my home and people; hate The Man' to only 'love My Country'#anyway I think I got just enough time with the song before 9/11 for it to be familiar once I heard it again this October#but it didn't get enough air time after 9/11 for me to recognize it before the music started up#a shame really because I do like it#anyway it's the song of the day because I was singing it while I made dinner and then I burnt my finger halfway through the song#and broke off for a really undignified yelp and scared the cat :( poor Thomas
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maybe some day I'll do a post on cbeeduo in living in the circular bc that specifically is one of the most insane iterations of them I have encountered
#like i know theyre just a subplot but??????#idk. the aromantism and the predetermism??? is that anything???#they're like. what if the person who saved your soul didn't love you back#what if the universe was infinite and i came home to play house with you when you didn't recognize me.#what if you found out the person you love most never agreed to any of this#what if we were an aromantic and the most romantic and we loved each other how we could and didn't know if it was enough#what if i knew you but no i didnt but then you were a dozen lifetimes away and all i could do was try not to idealize you too much#what if i never asked for this but it was unfair to you to pull the rug out from under you without explaining who i am#nfjdnfjsmf it's the 2am madness getting to me but literally fr fr i love them so muchhhh#none of this is anything. hope everyone is having a great night ✌️#pebble speaks
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man every time one of the corvids come up to accept tribute my brain is just
corvids CORVIDS CORVIDS--
#the turkeys also keep foraging in the meadow around the house#which is also v exciting to me#and the pond is FULL of tadpoles and the peepers make the SILLIEST noise when they jump in#like is it silly to be this gleeful about Creatures? maybe.#like I KNEW I was starved for wildlife in suburbia (I am in mourning about the grass snakes; I haven't seen one in a decade plus)#but I'm just? thrilled? every time I see and hear things out here#although I remain enormously relieved that the bear encounters have all happened to other people#I'm sure I'll see them eventually but I am happy to put that off as long as possible#babble tea (blacklist this for less chatter)#also YES#I know I shouldn't feed things but since the only things I'm feeding are smart enough to understand water displacement#and recognize individual humans#and are still nervous about me#I am not super-concerned I'm gonna mess things up#by habituating the crows#to 'this specific goofy human will leave catfood on the porch railing so she can see you up close'
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id like to preface this with the fact that bc i haven't updated the app (and don't use desktop) tumblr not only won't let me participate in polls, but won't even let me SEE them. i can't even see what the question is. i can see images & notes & that's it. anyway only getting to know abt polls from comments & ppl posting abt it is actually SUPER funny. currently the funniest shit rn is the tumblrwoman polls. bc i didn't hear anything abt them until ppl started talking abt marceline vs vriska LOL and i know almost NOTHING abt homestuck. but an insane amnt of ppl where confidently and angrily declaring that vriska is THE tumblrwoman and marcy couldn't possibly compete. so i was like "oh ok. guess vriska will win then. im a huge marcy fan but idk shit abt vriska, and im seeing a ridiculous ratio of comments declaring how vriska WILL win vs occasional comments saying someone will vote for marcy. so good for vriska whoever she is. hope she's cool" and then apparently marcy WON?? so this recontextualizes things sm for me, who just imedietly had gone "oh ok, people seem really passionate abt vriska winning, guess she's gotta win". turns out this newfound information is pinpointing, to me, that vriska fans are just super annoying /lh
#ik ppl r saying 'vriska only lost bc ppl voted against her out of spite. so in the wnd she REALLY won'#which is funny but also. idk man i dont know shit abt vriska. if i got the opportunity id vote for marcy. not out of spite. bc i love marcy#ppl where saying like. 'oh vriska content is everywhere on tumblr marcy couldnt even compete'#which is funny bc like. u know this site is mostly self curated rigjt#i see TONS of marcy content#and honestly. i see homestuck stuff occasionally but not enough to have recognized vriska#like. i had heard her name before. but didnt even know what she looked like and honestly. dont rlly remember now either#shes not one of those characters frm smthn i dont read/watch/etc who i learned abt second hand bc ppl where so obsessed w them#im sure ive seen art of her here amd there but i dont remember her#and ironically. marceline is ABSOLUTELY a characyer who i learned abt second hand long before actially watching at#like i only started watching at like a yr ago#but i not only recognized marceline years prior#but knew basics abt her characyer and backstory#just frm ppl talking abt her! lol#i even did fan art of her long before ever watching the show bc i thoight her design was cool#bonus comment tho. betty grof of adventure time should get to be a tumblrwoman too#shes unhinged and evil and weird and autistic and deserves appreciation for this#text
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it's so difficult to articulate the feelings i get when i see my friends engaging in healthy and good behaviors like asking for emotional support and taking the time they need to arrive because i just can't and i know i'm wrong for it but it still feels incredibly isolating
#i ofc never show this externally because i know how to act like a person i know to show empathy etc etc#and when i say i'm wrong i mean that i recognize that it's my problem how i feel and it's caused by my own issues and#it's not something i would ever put on somebody else because as i said it's not their fault i'm too repressed to do anything#but still it feels so strange to see other people having many relationships and doing so many things and still being like :( i'm so lonely#or outwarldy saying they really want to talk and that they need support with something#or always being late#i support all of that!!!! but i also know i can't do that and when we discuss relationships i know i always relate to the bad people#in the story who are not open and who do things wrong and are not considerate enough and so on#there are these common expressions such as loneliness that have vastly different meanings for people and that difference not being expresse#externally really ever makes me feel insane because it makes me feel like other people apply their understandings to my experience#anyway this was inspired by me not having friends to do sports with and also feeling like an ed relapse could be on the way#but it's not like i can do anything to either of those things because first i would never force people to exercise if they don't want to#and my friends don't enjoy the same things as i do or at least not in the ways that i do and it would be difficult for me to ask them#and second it's not like anyone even knows anything and even if they knew what could they do. nothing#the kind of “aww remember to eat” thing just doesn't fuckign work for me i need to stab myself with something#two years of uni left two thesis to do but after that idk what's keeping me here there are things that i like and people i care about#but on the long run i'm just sad and will get more alone and lonely as time passes and people find their places in each others' lives#in between these episodes it's fine i like my space i like to do things alone it's exhausting to be with people all the time but yeah#shit talking
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✧ I won’t really write descriptions for these, but see original post tags for explanation/commentary on the song snippet ✧
#I actually like the background piano of this more than I like the weird singing improvised over it#probably just because it was vaguely cool to clank out something that even vaguely sounds like maybe an actual chord#that might exist or something despite - again- having so little clue about the piano or how to read music that I could#not even point out like what the names of the notes are or etc. ghghjbj#Which is still funny because if you improvise something and also have no idea how to read or identify musical notes then you will#never be able to play it again because you couldn't identify how to lol. THAT'S WHY I LIKE singing!!! I could hear any tune once and on the#spot repeat it back exactly as long as it's within the range of noises I am physically capable of producing#But with tangible insturments it's like... you have to memorize.. the names of things. or where to put your hands. or#be able to name and recognize something and keep that in your head. Whereas voice noises just come instinctually and naturally#I do think I could probably learn an instrument if I really tried but I guess the thing is just like.. I already have 4724867289 other hobb#es that I am trying to split my time between that I barely have enough energy to dedicate to all of them and hardly make#progress at any of them because I'm spread so thin jumping back and forth between them. should i REALLY pick up another???#one thats going to take years and years and lots of practice?? It's kind of like learning languages. I REALLY want to learn some other#languages and I'm not like terrible at it from times that I've started to beofre in school and stuff. but it's just like.. do I really have#the TIME?? I think I need a logical justification to warrant a certain level of investment like.. if I knew for certain that in a year I'd#be moving to france then of course I could dedicate many hours to learning french because now it's necessary and despite#all of my other projects that I have going on I need to make time for it. But if I'm just learning it for the sake of doing it? then??#why should I not simply dedicate that same amount of time to my writing or my sculptures or something else? etc?? Like if I for some reason#was talked into starting a band with one of my friends or something then yeah maybe I'd learn an instrument but. I just see no#practical need to or way to justify the time investment when I currently have so many other things going on and music is my silly hobby lol#ANYWAY.. all that to say. BECAUSE I have no clue what I'm doing and likely never will. then even when I do the most basic#boring sounding bit of barely passable zero skill hardly capable piano plonking or something I'm always like#wowww. wow. I did something. wow. music is so magical. peace and love on planet earth. hhbjhbjhb#ANYWAY.. so I like the background more than the singing but. eh. still sounds a little fantasy elf choir-esque#bantasy tag
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