#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do
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pollen · 2 months ago
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
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#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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wild-at-mind · 9 months ago
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Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.
#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me#i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu#to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately.#i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked#but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago#so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer#and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones'#who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get#she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is#that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist#i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry)#and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because#i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'(#like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy#of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with#i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless#but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it
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egophiliac · 1 month ago
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Hello ! I positively adore the running joke of Idia unknowingly finding Lilia to be the coolest guy ever whenever he doesn't know it's him, like when Silver described his father, or obviously with muscle red. I can't say what'd be funnier, Idia finding out his online best friend is actually Lilia, resident spooky hyper fairy; or them both never finding out, and it'd become even more ridiculous as time goes on. How do you think it'll play out ? You're always so on point
(Also, though it makes sense, I'm still devastated bat boy didn't get a ticket for the Halloween skeleton train : ( does anyone mentions him at some point ? Like how he'd have fit right in with all those Halloween town little freaks, and how he'd have impressed them with his spooks and scared techniques; after all he's been every Briar Valley's children worst fear on Halloween for centuries. I'm on the eng server and I didn't wanna spoil myself by watching the whole thing on youtube)
Have a nice day !
you and me both, Idia and Lilia being oblivious online BFFs (+ Idia being incredibly intimidated any time Silver brings up his jock gamer dad) is my favorite running joke/subplot. 🤝 it's SO good, to the point where I also am unsure if I actually want it to ever be resolved or not...maybe, like, as a post-canon stinger or something? everyone's standing around covered in overblot ink, and Idia and Lilia's phones go off at the same time...
(legit I do think this is part of why Idia couldn't be present for Lilia's dream, because for some reason Lilia decided he was going to just. embody his past self online. he probably quotes his own battle strategies or whatever in the middle of boss fights. Idia didn't pick up on the whole "oh how weird that we both live on a super remote island" thing, but he would spend thirty seconds listening to General Lilia describing siege warfare and be like "w-wait")
all that aside, however it does end up happening, I do see Lilia being very blasé and all "oh! cool!" about it. y'know, taking it very much in stride! and Idia...very much not.
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(can't tell if tumblr is going to chew this into illegibility or not, this will be a fun surprise ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ)
as for Lilia sadly missing out on Halloweentown shenanigans...he does get one little mention as part of an offhand reference to the light music club, but so far no one has brought up how this basically is just Lost In the Book of Liliatown (Sebek's been too busy yelling about not getting to be in the same group as Malleus). 😔 honestly though, it's probably for the best that he got left out, because he would just settle right in and refuse to ever leave. canon would shatter. we would miss out on all the delightful angst of episode 7 because Lilia is too busy eating poisonous shrubbery inbetween practicing his very best screams, and no one can pull him away from it.
(I can hope for a sequel next year though...)
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#gentle spoilers but y'know. just in case#lost in the book with nightmare before christmas#hajimari no halloween#most of the kitchen scene was jade messing with the firsties and that was so delightful that i didn't think til after#that you'd think sebek would have made some kind of reference to lilia 'i lost my tastebuds in the war' vanrouge's quote-unquote cooking#ah well. jade being mean is more than entertaining enough#looking forward to more of it tomorrow!#god. lilia and idia though.#lilia is like. genuinely idia's best friend and neither of them have any idea#and idia keeps doing that 'ha ha what if we were friends out of game too? what if we met offline? jk jk jk uNLESS...👉👈'#and then he immediately chickens out because he's so convinced that crimson will hate him if they ever met irl#(meanwhile lilia is just like 'my online bestie is so cool :) la la la')#they are both so stupid and i love them so much#i've just realized that i actually do want them to find out each other's identities#because idia doesn't just go to school with his online bff#he ALSO goes to school with his online bff's extremely supportive and extremely socially-inept kids#idia is going to get invited to dinner at diasomnia and it's going to be SO awkward#silver is going to give a long formal speech thanking him for being a stalwart comrade and trusted warrior brother to his father#as sebek stews in jealousy that idia got to fight by lilia-sama's side >:(#while idia sits there like 'all i did was link him a video about lane control for his character class'#malleus will make such an effort to learn literally anything about online gaming and he won't understand a word of it#it will be SUCH a disaster and i very much do want it now
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winterarmyy · 10 months ago
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Kiss It Better
A series of random Bucky Drabbles that I can't let go but don't have the brain to make the whole complete plot of. 
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Summary: In which the reader refused to let Bucky go down on her lately because she's embarrassed of the chafing marks on her inner thighs.
Pairing: avenger!bucky x female!reader
Words: 3.2k++
Warnings: 18+ contents, no minors allowed, nsfw, cunnilingus, cum eating, soft fluff, not much of angst but there's sprinkles of feels, body insecurities, bucky is in love and in heat tbh, i think he is particularly unhinged and filthy in this one but hey, you tell me. idk if i need to remind y'all about this but english is not my first language so my grammar are prolly fucked. Anyway--
Inspiration: Guess who felt a little soft and decided to wear a skirt to work? Yup, that would be me. No, because I commute to work (or basically anywhere) and there is quite a distance of walking in between the journey. Note that your girl here walk fast asf (basically running at this point).  And because them inner thighs ain't got no gap between them, so i got myself some blisters/chafing :') then i fell into a self-deprecating despair for the whole day and it hurts whenever i walk, at that time i just want Bucky to kiss it better. Fast forward a few days later, here we are.
Read my other works here: Masterlist
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She could feel it. His burning gaze following her every move. Observing, calculating. And she knew that must not show any signs of discomfort; not on her face nor from the slightest jolts of her hips. She must not gave him a reason to question her.
She can't.
So she continue walking around their room, back and forth from the bathroom to the wardrobe, as if every step she took was followed by a burning sensation on her skin. She momentarily stood in front of the row of clothes hanging on the rack, her back facing the bed where Bucky had been sprawling on since she went in for a shower.
Honestly, she was standing there suspiciously 'too long', as if she was choosing an outfit for a date night, when clearly she was just getting ready for bed. When she realized that, she quickly pulled out a clean set of pyjamas and walk back into the bathroom.
Bucky's eagle eyes followed her figure, disappearing behind the locked door. His lips pursed as his cogs of thoughts spins around, trying to find answer a question that his lover keeps avoiding but it was useless.
He can't think straight. Especially when he was undeniably famished. He had not got a taste of her his sweet pussy for about 2 weeks now and he was quite literally about lose his fucking mind. 
When his sweetgirl refuses to go further than kissing and making out, of course he obliged. She has every right to 'no' and he respects her wishes. Then it happened again the next day. And the next. Then again, and again. 
Normally, people would've assumed that maybe she was on her period, and she is not comfortable having any sexual intimacy when menstruating. But, Bucky can tell that, that was not it. Because first of all, it was way too early for that time of the month, he knows her schedule.l very well. Second of all, he would've smell the blood if she was on her period.
Most of his senses are enhanced after all.
So, why was she avoiding it?
Bucky's is completely fine if sex was not something she wanted to do, but not even letting him eat her out? Now that's concerning. At least for him.
Because he needs her. He needs to suck on that needy little clit of hers, make it wet and swollen. He needs to lap on that sweet juices when she cums on his tongue.
Fuck. He's getting all work up now, thinking about it.
He swore that if this keeps going on, one of these days he might just spread his legs and fuck his fist on their bed while she's tied on a chair on the other side of the room. Maybe forcing her; seducing her, to watch his desperate cock become wet and messy would give her a clue of what he is feeling now.
Absolutely needy and deprived of that pretty little cunt of hers.
He was quite distracted with the filfthy thoughts until he heard the clicking sound of the bathroom door unlocked.
As she walked towards the bed, Bucky felt like his lungs stopped providing oxygen through his body, "Pretty." His eyes sparkled affection as the voice in his head echoed his thoughts. It wasn't that he have not seen her in those pyjamas before, he had. Many times in fact. The very same lavender set with tiny little cartoon cats printed all over the fabric.
The same ones that she wore when she came rushing to his side on one of those sleepless night. The time when she hold him close, distracting him away from the nightmare by asking the most random question of "You know, Bucky... These cats supposedly have the same expression, except for one. Do want to try and find it?"
He found it. It was near the hem of her right sleeve. And by that time, his nightmare was no where near his mind, the next thing he knew, he fell right back to sleep with her in his arms. It was his favourite pair of pyjamas that she ever worn.  Nothing compares.
A loving smile unconsciously appeared on his face when his lady threw a sweet smile at him as she walked toward the bed, "My baby's so pretty." He thought.
The grin on his lips lasted, but not for long. Especially when he saw the tiny frown on her face, the faltered steps and when he heard that brief sound of a painful hiss slipped out of her lips.
So the moment she sat down on her side of the bed, Bucky already had his hands on her. Arms instantaneously wrapped around her waist, before effortlessly pulling her back onto his sturdy chest.
She giggled gleefully from his sudden rush of affection  and that surely managed to trigger a chuckle out of Bucky. He hums and proceed to purr in crook of her neck, "What's wrong, baby?"
She could feel his throat rumbling at the back of her neck, "Did he notice it?". Her heart beat ever so slightly picked up its' pace but she planned to act like opposite of it, "Hmm? What do mean 'what's wrong'?" She asked.
Bucky can hear the change tempo coming from within her ribcage, he knew something was wrong, "I just want to know how are you feeling."  He pressed a long and tender kiss on the shoulder.
The warmth of his breath tickled her skin, "Now? Hmm. I feel very loved." She smiled dreamily as she closes her eyes.
Bucky left out a brief laugh at her response, this cheeky little bunny, "That's true, but how are you really feeling, hmm? Like physically?" He urges softly.
She thought about it for awhile; contemplating whether she should just tell him the truth or proceed to act like she okay. Well, she chose the latter, "Hmmm physically. In this position? Very comfy." She wiggled her body back into him, closing the non-existent gap between their bodies and gripping Bucky's arms around her a little tight.
Though her plushy ass was rubbing against his crotch just nicely, but the former winter soldier was not going to let that distract him from his mission. He needs to know what she's hiding behind that sweet smile, "Doll..." his voice was stern and she knew he was not having it.
His calling was only met with silence when she didn't reply verbally. Since she was looking down, Bucky cannot see the frown on face and the wobbling worries in her eyes. But he did picked up on the anxiousness of her heart; beating faster by the second.
"I..." her voice cracked at the first word she said, and Bucky knew he fucked up. He swiftly maneuvered her body to sit on his lap, facing him. His metal hand craddled her soft cheek, and his flesh ones gently caresses her back, "Hey hey hey, doll, what's wrong? Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pressure you." His voice was laced with panic.
When she only had her gaze down, Bucky tenderly coaxed her, "Bunny, look at me." His hand guided her by the chin and when they made eye contact, he apologized again, "I'm sorry. I just want you to feel better. Forgive me." He leaned in a planted a kiss on her forehead. Then, her nose. And her cheeks, all over her face, muttering his words of apology.
She felt bad that Bucky apologized for something that was clearly not his fault. She's the problem in this situation. Her negativity, her insecurity was what drove her away from Bucky for the past 2 weeks. She knew that. And she knew it wasn't fair to him.
Knowing Bucky, he's probably blaming himself for her actions. And she didn't want that. She decided to tell him the truth, "I just..." Anxiety runs through her veins when she thought about it again. Would she be able to handle it if Bucky reacted negatively to her truth? Probably, not. "Just... promise that you won't be disgusted by it... Or get the ick from it."
Bucky frowned in confusion, "I don't even know what 'get the ick' means but I promise." He swore.
She let out a short laugh at his comment, causing him to smile along. Seeing how loving his gaze was, it gave her the strength to confess. She started with explaining how she had been busy at work this month. With launch of the new product, and her being one of th product manager, she was obligated to visit the branches around New York.
Bucky listened to words attentively, at first he thought maybe she was trying to say that she's been stressed lately. But then she started to explained about how she had been wearing skirts to work most of the days, because it was one of the their campaign's rules and Bucky does not think that 'stress' was what this would conclude to.
Nevertheless, he didn't lose his attention.
"But basically what I'm trying to say is..." She took a deep breath before continuing, "It's just... My inner thighs are chafed..." her voice was barely audible at the end of the sentence but Bucky caught it perfectly.
He thought about it for awhile before asking, "So, you mean to say that you got blisters on your inner thighs?" He wanted to confirm that his understanding was accurate.
She looked down in shame as she nodded to his question.
Bucky responded by pulling her closer, and kissed her forehead, "Aww doll. Is this why you've been avoiding me? Because it hurts? Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could've helped you. I mean I could help apply some meds or--"
Horrified at the idea of him seeing marks; the literal reminder of how fat she is caused her to blurt, "No!" She pushed Bucky away, eyes widen in horrid.
"No?" Bucky frowned quizzically at her intense reaction.
Realizing what she just had just done,  she composed herself, and spoke, "It's... it's not a pretty sight. And I don't want to show it to you. Plus, if my thighs are a little thinner than they are now. Then, this wouldn't happen. If only these thighs are not like... fucking fat as they are we wouldn't have to go through this. And you wouldn't need to hear all this. You wouldn't---"
Bucky knew that once she was in the state of insecurity, she self-deprecate herself like she was less worthy than the goddesss that she is. So, instead of arguing with her, he simply intercepted her rambling, "Show me."
She stopped the seemingly endless word-vomit, and titled her head to the side, "Huh? No. Bucky I just said--"
Bucky grabbed her by the waist and effortlessly lifted her off his lap and onto the bed, caging her  below him, "And I said... Show. Me." His tone was more like an order rather than a request.
She didn't dare to defy him, when his gaze was as rigid as they were now, so pulled her pants off; slowly, reluctantly. When the pants was at the last inches before it's completely off, Bucky took control and quite literally ripped it off from her.
The sudden action resulted to her body needing to hide itself from his darken eyes. Her thighs clammed together as a whine slipped from her lips. The friction of her wounds brushing against each other was burning her delicate skin.
Bucky quickly softens when he heard her pained voice,  he pushed himself off from her and kneeled on the bed before her. "Doll, please..." His hands gently squeezes the side of her thighs as he pleads, "...Let me see."
Slowly spreading her thighs apart, Bucky's eyes are now focusing on the red marks on her skin. His thumbs absentmindedly traces the area around the broken skin. He was so concentrated that he didn't say a word. And that only triggered her insecurity that she started to rambled something about how she will start going in a diet and she'll add more intense leg workout in her routine.
But her voice was only a muffled strings of incoherent sounds in Bucky's ears when he finally processed everything that happened from 2 weeks ago until now.
The realization hit him like a high speed train with a broken break system. Did she really turned him down because of this? Did she really starve him out because of this? Bucky let out a growl of disapproval when he abruptly pulled her by her calves, forcing her hips to lift from the bed. She yelped in surprised but she saw the look on his face,  "You..." he rasped.
Bucky placed her legs on his shoulders, letting it daggle on his back as he palmed sides of her thighs. He then, proceed to leave trails of kiss on her inner thigh, avoiding the irritating wounds on her skin, "You deprived me of my sweet little pussy because you think this..." he flattened his tongue and nibble on her softness of her inner thighs, "...would turn me off? That these thick, soft thighs that I love so much would bother me?"
He planted a delicate kiss on the marks before, "Well, guess what bunny?. You're absolute wrong. In fact, it's quite the opposite." His lips travelled upwards until it found her core. Bucky's nose flared at the scent of her arousal, "And oh my sweet babydoll, I'm going to eat your pussy until understand that. Then, I'm gonna do it some more because I am fucking starving." He pressed a firm kiss on her clothed pussy, causing the cotton to soak the juices that leaks from her hole.
"Look at that. Does your needy pussy wants some pampering too, hmm?" She could see the lust dripping down his ocean blues; the same ones that were usually bright but now were now noticeably darker.
Bucky's finger traces the slit of her pussy, rubbing her over the fabric of her panties, making patch of wetness spread even more. "Yeah? Does she want me to kiss it better? Make her feel good?"
She moaned softly to his touch, "Please."
That was all it took for Bucky to rip her panties apart as if it was made out of paper.  "Fuck, there she is. My sweet pussy." He brought his fingers over, widened the folds of her pussy. Even with minimal lighting, it was enough to show him the glistening pink flesh of leaking cunt, twitching and needing his tongue to explore her insides.
He was hungry of course, just simply looking at her pussy had made his mouth water and impossible for him to resist the urge of putting his mouth on the pretty little thing. "Hmm,," a sharp cry escaped from her lips as he blew on her little twitching nub. There was this glint in his eyes as he watched her try to buck up, cunt helplessly clenching around nothing.
Before she could beg for him, Bucky's tongue dipped in between folds. Pointed at first, from the entrance of her pussy up to her clit. The tip of his tongue swirl around the aching nub. A breath caught in her throat when Bucky repeat the same move but this time he flattened his tongue.
And then he does it again and again.
Bucky, is generally the larger man compared to anyone. He is tall and beefy. But he is especially big when he's in between her legs, gently devouring her wet pussy. Slow and long licks were his favorite, it allowed him to savor the taste of her. Always so sweet and he couldn't get enough of it.
With every flick Bucky's tongue assulting to her swollen bud, she couldn’t help but pull on sheets behind her, needy moans leaves her lips every time he explored her, teases her. Her body cannot stay still when the pleasure was taking her higher. But it was not a problem for Bucky to control. Whenever she tries to close her thighs together, he stopped her. He didn't want to irritate her wounds or cause any pain, so he kept pushing her thigh open as he nuzzle his face into her pussy.
"Ahhh fuck ,, that feels so good, Bucky!" She moaned his name as the overwhelming feeling of his wet and soft tongue gliding and rubbing on her core, guiding her to heaven.
And the salacious squelching noises to fill the room as Bucky laps and sucks on her clit. She was so wet that he could just shove his fingers up in her hole but he didn't. He won't. After so many days not tasting her, he want to only use his mouth.
Though the man barely spoke during these times, he’d much rather keep his mouth occupied with drinking up her juices or suckling on her cute little clit. But when he does. Fuck. Does he spill the most unholy things.
Bucky momentarily detached himself from her and rasped, "Gonna cum, babydoll? Come on, give it to me. Let me drink and lick your cum after." His metal fingers quickly finds her clit, swiftly started to deliciously rub it; just the way he knew she liked it. It felt so good that her tongued lolled out her mouth out of pure pleasure.
"Yeah, bunny. You're gonna let me clean you up with tongue so nice, so that you can make the same mess again and again. Cum in mouth, babydoll. Cum for me"
He delved right back where is mouth belongs, licking her clit into his mouth just to wrap his lips around the pretty pink bundle of nerves sucking it harshly.  She whined needily her hips started to move on its own accord, searching for more friction of his tongue, “ahh ahh! hmmmm,, s-so fucking good! ahhh,, So close!” she was seeing stars in her hazy vision from how good and dirty she felt.
Bucky's eyes almost rolled back when let out a groan of satisaction against her spread out cunt; he can feel that she was going to cum and want her to do it with his mouth latched on her.
And cum she did, moments after she couldn’t help but squeal as her back arched from the bed, grinding herself on his tongue. Bucky growled at the streams of cream squirting out of her throbbing cunt right into his mouth, down to his throat.
So sweet and warm and addictive.
While her whole body was still shaking from the aftermath of the mindblowing orgasm, Bucky continued to lick and lap on her leaking pussy, slurping and suckling every bit of cream she had blessed him with.
Yet he was still hungry.
She mewled when Bucky started to suck on her clit again and when she looked over at him, he momentarily pulled away, "oh doll, did you forget? I'm not going to stop any time soon. So just lay there, look pretty for me and let me enjoy this sweet little pussy."
End.
Read my other works here: Masterlist
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A/N: Have you ever gotten your inner thighs chafed? Anyway, thanks for spending your time to reading my work! Leave your thoughts behind, I'd love to read them ♡
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leonawriter · 1 month ago
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Who Killed Goro Akechi?
Titled thus because I was just going through the scene right after Mementos merges with reality, after they've failed to defeat the grail, and "Igor" tells Akira that he's lost the game.
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And I'm like, ok, I've seen this a fair few times before. I know the script.
But then I was paying attention, and I just went WAIT WAIT WAIT HANG ON A MINUTE HERE.
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"In accordance to the game's rules, the defeated must pay a price."
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"Your life is forfeit."
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"I sentence you to be executed."
And I was just... hang on. There's been more than one player in the game. If we go back to the earlier lines, "Igor" also says "You were mean to bring change to mankind, but it seems that was too much for you."
In a sense, all of this could also be applied to Goro Akechi.
Akechi was also forcing mankind to react and to change, albeit via chaos and uncertainty rather than encouraging people to stand on their own two feet the way the Phantom Thieves were trying to.
And what happens in the engine room?
Akechi loses the game.
He realises that Akira and the PT fooled him, and when he tries to get the better of them one last time, he fails. We often talk about how after he was defeated he "almost went over to their side" - but isn't that another aspect of his "defeat" in Yaldabaoth's eyes? Akechi admits, effectively, that he accepts the Phantom Thieves' way of doing things over his own.
And it's here that we get Cognitive Akechi, who comes in and starts talking about how the Captain (Shido) sees him, gives him an option to rejoin (or for the PT to switch sides), and.... hm, isn't that familiar?
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Here's Caroline saying "If that's what our master wishes..." with Akira having a response tree of-
-"You're going to execute me?" -"Are you serious?" -or just plain being unable to speak (he could also be unspeakably angry, but he seems far more scared than angry, here).
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Next, Akira refuses to die, because he has people relying on him.
I'm reminded of how with Akechi, once he's behind that bulkhead door, if you haven't finished his confidant he'll say something to the effect of "So my final enemy is a puppet of myself, how fitting."
If you have maxed his confidant? You get Joker telling him he can't die yet, as he has a promise to fulfil ("I'll hold onto your glove") with the implication that it's something that Akechi can use as motivation to want to keep living.
In both, it's "I can't die, I have a reason to live, and that reason is at least one other person."
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When the twin wardens try to "execute" Akira, now in his Joker attire as his will of rebellion has manifested, Justine says "If our master orders so... then it cannot be helped..."
I'm reminded of how Cognitive Akechi was a being of pure servitude toward his Captain (master), Shido. If the Captain willed it, he'd even die for him.
This one feels similar, because the twins were never supposed to have "execution" as part of their duties at all, and both parties were pushed into a sense of unfailing loyalty to someone who never cared for them, and who warped their duties to something wrong.
In fact, I just went back to confirm the lines for Cognitive Akechi, and-
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Yup.
Top is Cognitive Akechi saying "Captain Shido's orders... He has no need for losers." and the lower one is "Igor" saying "You have lost the game."
Basically, the same lines.
To the point that...
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Cognitive Akechi: "Here, I'll give you one last chance. Shoot them."
God of Control: "I shall grant you an opportunity to make a deal with me."
Both times, it's clear that this is the wrong thing to do, and in both cases, the person being offered rejects said deal entirely - Akechi by shooting the switch to activate the bulkhead door, making it impossible for his cognitive self to attack the Phantom Thieves, and Akira by denying Yaldabaoth and reaffirming his bonds with the Thieves once he's told that they're also there.
I titled the post the way I did, because the way Shido is used by Yaldabaoth, I would not be surprised if Cognitive Akechi isn't just a product of Shido's mind protecting him against threats from, say, his own attack dog, but also?
This is Yaldabaoth's way to quite literally execute the first piece he started to play with, since Goro Akechi had failed as a Trickster and had "lost the game" - and as he and cognitive Akechi both say, losers end up dead.
So the question is - who really killed Akechi? Was it Shido's cognition? Was it Yaldabaoth? And was that cognition even an original part of Shido's palace in the first place, to that extent? How much was it "appropriated" at the "right" time, here?
There are far too many coincidences for me to pass it off as such
But the highlight for me at least, is this:
In both terms of Akira and Akechi's "executions," it's their sense of thinking and feeling that "I can't die, I have a reason to live, and that reason is at least one other person" that keeps them alive. And to the point, it's what keeps Akira's sense of rebellion so strong, and against nigh insurmountable odds.
If anything, it supports the fact that with Akechi's confidant maxed, he really does live, because that, too, echoes Akira's experience in the Velvet Room not even a full month later.
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artsycloudysleepy · 5 months ago
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aaaaaa tysm!!!! this helps so much, you have no idea! have a great rest of your day and thanks again :D
(warning that the tags are long and lengthy!)
hiya nye!! hope you're doing good :3
looking for some OC advice if that's okay: i have an OC who has MDD, but afaik i don't have it myself and i really want to avoid harmful stereotyping or unrealistic portrayals!
was wondering if you have any tips on writing it, if there's anything specific i should know (if there's treatment, side-effects, etc.) or just anything to avoid in terms of stereotypes?
obviously don't answer this if you don't want to, it's probably very personal, and take your time if you do! i want to avoid screwing up, and while i am also going to check out articles and do my research, i also want to make sure i'm not accidentally being a prick or looking at misinformation and ask you if you have any advice :)
thank you so much! have a nice day nye, stay hydrated :D
Heeyyyy Artsy :3
I'd be happy to help in whatever way I can, but heads up I'm not professionally diagnosed or anything and am definitely not an expert on the topic, so this will just be from my personal experience
So of course maladaptive daydreaming is different for everyone, I think the most common interpretation of it is someone who might use their persona to self insert themselves into media they might like, or a personally written story. Sometimes they might be pre-written and played out (I personally believe this is what "shifters" do). A second common one might be writing a story by thinking about it as a show, where you yourself may not be involved. Many people wrote brilliant stories using this method.
My personal experience is that I can count multiple times where my maladaptive daydreaming was more prominent throughout my life, but I can't really pick it out if childhood experiences as it was kind of like the hit thing to be good at imagining when you were 5.
My standout experience with MDD is ongoing. It started five years ago and it involves myself and other people consistently. There is no change in plot or reboots, I consider these people consistent as any other person I might know. Plainly, I consider the maladaptive daydreaming characters that I have created (ocs) AND have not created to exist as people in some way, so I treat them as such.
Part of my MDD is that these people I know through my head interact with people from the real world, having casual conversations and such.
My level of focus on my MDD varies on my mental health and environment, it usually ranges from maybe 1 interaction a day to things I have planned for the day being cancelled because I'm busy daydreaming. My daydreaming friends will often grow distressed if I don't speak to them for long periods of time. Some of them (my ocs) fear that they'd cease to exist, while others may fear their friends could disappear, including me.
Something well known for MDD is repetitive motions, personally I find my stims outside of MDD are larger and more noticable, while I'm daydreaming sometimes my repetitive motions will be spinning a pen or something as miniscule as timed blinking or eye movement. It's like keeping pace to me, like they tell you to associate a smell with sleeping if you have a hard time sleeping. The motions help keep me focused on my daydreams.
I don't like closing my eyes when I daydream, but I do like dark rooms. I also prefer background noise. It's also well known people like to listen to music while they daydream, and I do, but the noise doesn't have to be music. It just has to be constant and have some kind of pattern that I can tune out to. The noise helps distract me from what I see visually!
I haven't researched treatment because recently I've been quite good at regulating my daydreams, and in the past it's been a fear of mine. I think the only treatment there would be for MDD is finding other coping mechanisms.
As for side effects, I'm not sure what would qualify. I can get angry at daydreams the same way I would anything else, same goes for every emotion. Sometimes it just makes my mood seem out of place, I think. I also think it's obvious when I'm daydreaming, because people usually poke me or wave a hand in front of my face (THIS IS SO ANNOYING DON'T DO THIS I'M DAYDREAMING FOR A REASON). MDD sometimes restricts my real life experiences, socializing, sometimes makes me forget meals, it also makes my memory of everything worse, instead replaced by memories of daydreams. MDD is something that I deal with, while I know it's a negative thing it's something that I don't have any desire to detach myself from. That's a scary idea to me, so I suppose that's a side effect in itself.
As far as writing a character with MDD goes, you'd have to know what they were daydreaming about first. A lot of the rest of the traits, such as what noise or actions they use, would be down to their other characteristics. If I was going to avoid something, it would be to not make everything they daydream about separate to reality. Almost everyone I've known with MDD has integrated their realities in some way, whether it be having their persona personality shine through, their daydreams interact with people around them, writing about it, drawing or infodumping. Of course this might not be everyone, but I think it also depends how private of a person they are. People who have MDD tend to know they're creating something complex.
Thanks for asking me Artsy, again, this is just from personal experiences. Hope this helped! :3
#artsy's moot sillies#gonna copy + paste this into a document and highlight stuff for future use tysm!!#um some personal stuff in the tags here bc this made me think about me and uh.............. i may now have an explanation for stuff?#tldr for tags: i have a LOT of self-reflection and OC work to do haha. thank you again for helping; it means more than i can say :3#(personal tag start: if i'm being completely honest i tick. a lot of these boxes? as in. A LOT)#(i'm not saying i have MDD bc i haven't researched fully yet but it's kind of like. woah. this is.......... really close to my stuff?)#(like maybe it's not MDD i'm relating to this a bit too much????)#(i'll be doing research anyway so i guess if i relate to too much i might have an answer for the past 6-ish years of constant daydreaming)#(without getting into too much personal stuff i created my OCs as a response to some trauma and i constantly daydream about them)#(i self insert myself into the story (persona-ish); have them reference my life; talk about real people; like imaginary friends)#(i don't have them interact with real people that often but they mention them quite a bit)#(my ocs are also very specific and don't change much if at all. if anything i make workarounds for plotholes)#(and i have times where i've daydreamed for hours without stopping; fully acting out the scenes and feeling the emotions)#(like if i'm angry in the daydream i'm just as angry/close to a meltdown in real life)#(it's become so much of a coping mechanism that i can't stop and i don't want to. even though i know i need to ground myself and figure irl#stuff out properly. so i'm trying to turn it into a therapy-ish thing to help me and also let me keep daydreaming?)#(and i hate being interrupted. tend to just lock myself in my room and i get really frustrated if people interrupt me)#(i also rock a *lot* when i'm daydreaming - broke my last bed and now the floorboards creak when i rock on them instead lol)#(i also listen to music or ambient noise when daydreaming and tend to match the rhythm in some way with stims)#(the rhythm/melody also affect what i daydream about; whether it's action or fluff or angst or what)#(and also sometimes talking from movies or shows helps me daydream#where my ocs and me say the same things as them like we're being voiced over. and i can involuntarily have to daydream when something in a#show gets my attention like that. i can't put the idea down and have to act it out and daydream)#(it makes attention span a nightmare for things that are too long)#(when daydreaming i like natural light or dim light (scared of the dark so *that's* fun /s) and either close my eyes or keep them open)#(and i feel *awful* if i haven't spoken to my ocs for a long time and have the fear that they'll be forgotten without me)#(so basically the exact opposite than yours lol)#(it feels like i'm constantly daydreaming. i'm never *not* if that makes sense)#(sometimes it scares me that none of it is real. or i treat it as if it IS real and that can be a whole 'nother problem)#(and sometimes it's like a show i'm not personally involved in (not my oc stuff; it's always a fandom of mine). sometimes have a persona.)
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thatgirlie-diaries · 1 year ago
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Academic tips that work for me
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Hello girlies! This is a post that I have been delaying for like 2 weeks, but now it's time or me to post it. In this blog I will give you all the things I do to keep myself getting high grades and maintain the "intelligent" persona I have worked for since I started studying my college career and fortunately others see me this way now.
I do not study hevy or know a lot about studying methods, I am more into "smart work > hard work" kind of thing
My personal tips
This are my tips being an auditory person focused on being effortless
Understand your learning style: Are you visual? Auditory? Or kinesthetic? By knowing this you can apply studying methods that are efficient for you.
Pay attention to your classes!: I think the main reason I slay effortlessly my exams is because of this so I only need a quick study. You will be saving future time since your study sessions will be lighter because you will remember lots of the things.
Participate / Ask questions: It's easy, you will get points with your teachers as a great student, plus you will get your questions solved.
Put your on a place you can't see it so it doesn't distract you, for classes or when you need to study / get work done.
Study in a place when you feel comfortable, it can be at an cafe or at the library, even in your bedroom at a desk, what matters is that you feel comfortable and that you get the feel of "this is a place where I can study / do my assignments" and not feel lazy or uncomfortable by "x or y" reason. As a plus, keep your space clean and only with the necessary at sight.
Use music that doesn't distract you and you vibe with: Listen to music that doesn't have lyrics, but that's a basic by now. What I recommend you is to listen to music that you just vibe with to get your desired mood and motivation. In my case, I listen to videogame soundtracks since it makes me feel relaxed or to classical music because I fee like "that business girly", either way music helps me concentrate.
Romanticize your studies: This can mean different things to all of you reading this post, I am talking about making your academic journey fun and pleasing rather than streesing! Some ideas are having cute stationery, take cute notes, act like one of your fav academic characters, have study playlists, drinking coffee, go to the library or to cafes, dress cute for school, read, light candles, watch "study with me" videos and study vlogs, create a pinterest board, stablish academic goals, etc.
Do your homework when you have free time at school / college or do it as a first thing after your schedule, this will help you save time. Think about it, if you do it while having free time at school / college you don't need to do it at home. And if you need to do it at home, if done as the first thing, you will either way get so much free time and can focus on other tasks or activities freely.
Be organized: Have a bullet journal or use an app to keep track of your subjects and assignments. By this you will remember and keep in sight upcoming deadlines and events.
Take care of your academic relationships: I make sure that the people inside my circle of friends are girls (mainly, but boys too) who I feel comfortable, have fun with but also are similar to me in the sense that they take seriously her studies and are good teammates. Outside of them I also focus on other potential classmates that are intelligent and have similar values. There is no need to bother on the ones who don't attend classes, are irresponsable and don't even know what are they doing in the course.
Take care of yourself: Ask yourself? Will it be worth it while not sleeping enough, having a poor diet and exercise? By not letting yourself rest or have fun from time to time? By not practicing self-care? By not practicing any hobby or taking the time for your interests ? Please take care of yourself, girl, this is the lowest part of the pyramid. The reason to care is not only your wellbeing, but also because having a poor lifestyle can have bad effects for you that also affect your performance, and we won't like that.
Now go and slay your academic year / course! 𑄽𑄺ྀ
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hollowed-theory-hall · 10 months ago
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Secrets of the Darkest Art: How to Make a Horcrux
So I saw many theories regarding how to make a Horcrux, but none of them really made perfect sense to me, so I decided to give it a crack myself as part of my mission to understand Lord Voldemort/Tom Marvolo Riddle (Which I think I did, big post coming about that at some point, this is but another piece of that puzzle of a man)
So this is my reverse engineering of a ritual to create Horcruxes based on book evidence, my knowledge of real-world alchemy, real-world ancient Greek cults and rituals and linguistic analysis.
How to reverse engineering a dark magical ritual:
The first thing is to define what we know for certain:
The name: "Horcrux"
The creator is an Ancient Greek wizard named Harpo the Foul.
A death is required in the making.
A Horcrux holds a piece of the caster's soul that anchors them to life so they won't die.
I'll actually start with the third point.
How to split a soul?
Both Dumbledore and Slughorn mention murder being required to tear your soul to make a Horcrux, and that never really sat right with me. It magically doesn't make sense and even the canon examples we have for Horcrux murders make this statement iffy.
We have seven examples of murders used to create Horcruxs (thanks to one Tom Riddle being dramatic):
The Diary - Myrtle Warren - killed by a basilisk. Sure, Tom freed the Basilisk, but it hardly seemed targeted at Myrtle specifically and you can argue he didn't actually kill her (more a manslaughter by negligence). He didn't cast the spell, so how come this tore his soul? (I also think Myrtle was an accident and wasn't meant to be killed, but I digress)
The Ring - his father (Tom Riddle Sr) - Avada Kadevra.
The Cup - Hepzibah Smith - she was poisoned by her house elf. Sure, the elf was under the imperious, but it wasn't a first-degree murder, and like with the Basilisk I find it hard to consider this the same as casting a killing curse. Magically those are very different things.
The Locket - Muggle Tramp - Avada Kadevra
The Diadem - Albanian Peasant - Avada Kadevra
Harry Potter - himself - backfired Avada Kadevra
Nagini - Bertha Jorkins - Avada Kadevra
Now, I used the term "magically different" or "magically make sense" what do I mean by that?
Well, besides the fact I'm going to make a full post about how I see magical theory in the Harry Potter Wizarding World, I'll say it takes a lot after occult philosophies from Alchemy that are very old, Slughorn mentions as much in book 6 and there are a few other references to it. I'm just gonna cover the basics required for this theory.
In Alchemy, everything (people, animals, plants, and rocks) is built of three base components:
The Salt - the body - the physical form.
The Sulfur - the soul - the self that holds the divine flame.
The Mercury - the spirit - the life essence that binds the salt and sulfur together.
Now, in Alchemy, the main study is in purifying and combining these different aspects of material. Let's look at a herb, for an example:
If we want to retrieve its salt, we'll dry the herb completely using fire to leave behind a fine light grey ash that represents only the physical form.
If we wanted its mercury we'd distill all liquids from it until we get a purified, clear liquid which in the case of plants would be alcohol (it's why alcohol is referred to as "spirit").
And if we wanted its soul, we would take the remains from the distillation and drying process which would be a kind of oil.
(it can get more complicated with different materials, but this isn't a post about Alchemy)
Now, back to Horcruxs.
So, if we would want to split a soul, Alchemecly, how do we go about it?
Well, we don't. Not really. See a soul can't really be split, as every part of it, every bit of that oil from our random herb represents the entire soul. It's why something like a Horcrux could theoretically work in giving a full life to the diary the way we see in Chamber of Secrets.
Additionally, to work with any material in Alchemy, you are required to purify it first. It means that to get a piece of soul to bind to a diary, you need a pure soul.
Killing someone else won't sever your own soul from the spirit and the body, it's not how this works. Killing someone severs their spirit and therefore splits their body, spirit, and soul. Besides, an Ancient Greek man, like Herpo was, would hardly consider murder as vile as we do today. It wouldn't even cross his mind that any murder (even an indirect one) could harm one's own soul.
No, the only way to "split" a soul is to first sever it from life, disconnecting the bond between soul and body. Essentially, the only way to promise you immortality is to kill yourself.
I know it sounds a little confusing, but, essentially, once the soul is severed from the spirit and body you can split it. Think of the herbal oil, once you have the oil, separate from the rest of the plant parts, you can combine it with new ingredients. You can only work on a specific aspect once you severed it from the other two and as what binds all three together is spirit — life — the only way to do it for a human soul — is death.
But really, how?
Well, here comes the second thing we know about making Horcruxs — that dear Herpo was from Ancient Greece.
In Ancient Greece they had multiple different religious cults, some of which were Chthonic cults. These cults dedicated themselves to death or ditties and heroes associated with death and more importantly — rebirth.
Many of these cults were dedicated to figures like Orpheus, Dionysus, and Persephone, characters in mythology who are known for going through the underworld — through death — and coming back out. These cults were very secretive and not much is known about their practices, but some are.
What is known is that they had rituals where they reenacted a death and then rebirth (usually drinking wine — water of life, was the representation of rebirth).
This created a very clear idea in my head — to split a soul, you'll have to ritualistically, magically kill yourself, severe a piece of your soul, and then revive yourself with a water of life — a potion.
This potion is never mentioned, but I believe it exists due to these Chthonic cult rituals and how they were structured. Not only that, but the Greek underworld did have a river known for being incredibly painful to drink, literally made of fire, but being able to bring the dead back - The Phlegethon River.
Note: Lethe River Water (the river in the Greek Underworld that makes the drinker forget) is a canon ingredient in a Forgetfulness Potion.
So what is the dead body for?
Well, congratulations, you killed yourself to retrieve a sliver of your soul and revived yourself so you won't stay dead. You found an item you can keep secure to tie that sliver of soul, too. Now, how would you bind then? After all, the only thing meant to bind a human soul to a body is a human spirit - a human life... you get where I'm going with this.
This is why Tom didn't have to be the one to do the deed. As long as he had a recently deceased corpse to harvest the life from to use to bind his newly split soul and the item of his choice.
It explains why nothing was missing from the bodies. Myrtle and the Riddles were investigated by the Ministry of Magic. One would assume the Aurors would've noticed if any corpse was missing a hand due to the killer eating it (as other Horcrux theories suggest).
Not only was nothing missing from the body, the soul was intact. Myrtle became a ghost after death, a ghost is quite literally, just the soul, no body, no spirit.
So the only thing that was taken from Tom's victims was their life, quite literally at that.
Is that all? Can we make a Horcrux now?
Not really. See, when analyzing spells in Harry Potter, one thing super important to note is their name.
Avada Kadevra - is a reference to an Aramaic healing spell "Abracadabra" pronounced in Aramaic as: "Avra Kadebra" and meaning "I will create as commanded". Merged with the Latin word "cadaver" meaning "corpse" to create -> "I will create dead bodies as commanded"
Or Wingardium Laviosa - is a cross of the English word "wing", the Latin word "arduus" (meaning "high, tall, lofty, steep, proudly elevated"), or "arduum" (meaning "steep place, the steep" and the Latin word "levo" (meaning to "raise, lift up"). So together the spell means -> "lift high up".
So, it's pretty clear spells, their names, and incantations are very self-explanatory. So a Horcrux should be no different.
I've seen some attempts at translating the name Horcrux. Unfortunately, these attempts treated the name as Latin, modern Greek, or Old English. Herpo, was Ancient Greek, though, so I went and translated a few possible meanings from Ancient Greek (Classical Greek and Homeric Greek are what I looked at):
ὅρκος (orkus, pronounced "hor-kus") - an oath, the object by which one swears, bound by oath (still used in modern Greek).
κρόκες (crukes, pronounced "cru-kes") - saffron-colored (blood red in Greek), crocus flower. The crocus flower symbolizes both death (the saffron that is the spice) and rebirth (the golden crocus which brings renewal and joy) because Demeter wears them when Persephone returns from the underworld in myth.
So what we have is a spell called "binding oath of death and rebirth" which all around sounds fitting.
There might also be a "made in blood" tucked at the end due to the association of κρόκες with the color of blood.
But why does it matter?
Well, now with this name, I expect the binding between the spirit from the victim, the split soul, and the item would be done in a sort of oath - an orkus.
The association with blood gives us another hint. Blood is the part of the human body most representative of life. Therefore, in Alchemy, your blood is your spirit. So it'll make sense that your own blood would be used in the binding process or more correctly in the process of turning another person's spirit into your own. Making the thread to bind the body (item) and the soul piece your own. As it also refers to just a red firey color, it can indicate the Phlagatton potion I hypothesize should be part of the ritual due to how Chthonic rituals usually went, as the Phlagaton river is made of fire.
So we have a general idea of how to make a Horcrux. You need an item of your choice to bind your soul to. You need a life (spirit) harvested from a human that you transformed into being your own using your blood. And you need a piece of your own soul, which you get by killing yourself and then reviving yourself. And you finish it off by binding it all together with an oath.
But how could you make one accidentally?
So, everyone knows Voldemort succeeded in somehow making a Horcrux accidentally, something a lot of theories I saw don't account for. Becouse whatever process you need to go to to make a Horcrux, Voldemort went through all of it the night he died the first time and marked Harry.
All the steps for my method of making a Horcrux were met that night.
The item in qustion is baby Harry, nothing interesting there.
The soul sliver was split the way it always is — through death. Voldemort died, killed by his own killing curse and that is what splits his soul.
The life or spirit that then binds his soul to Harry isn't Lily's spirit or James'; it's his own spirit that acts as a binder between Harry and Voldemort’s split soul. Because the spirit was already his, there was no need to transform it by blood so the additional ritual wasn't necessary.
Step-by-step guide to making Horcruxes:
I'm not going to actually give the full step-by-step least a budging dark lord is looking for this information. I do have notes about exact incantations and even the full recipe and instructions for the Phlagaton potion I'm going to mention. These instructions won't be here since they are more in the realm of speculation and headcanon. This is just the overview of the ritual based on canon information and the occult philosophy I mentioned above. (edit: the full step-by-step headcanon with my potion recipe and everything does appear in the reblogs)
Step 1 - Life and Blood
Get access to a recently deceased human and extract their Mercury (Spirit or Life Essence).
Submerge the retrieved life essence with your own blood on a new moon (life and vitality). (7 drops of blood will probably do)
Step 2 - Water of Fire
To complete the cycle of death and rebirth you’ll need the Phlegeton Water potion to return you to life at the end of the cycle.
As you brew the potion, it must be brewed in a dark room, preferably underground to remind as much of the underworld as possible.
While brewing the potion one must be in the mindset of the Phlegeton, must be willing to go through agony to achieve eternal life and imbue these thoughts in their potion. (In alchemy, when working, it is believed you imbue your work with your thoughts during the Alchemical process. As an Alchemical process affects both the material being worked and the Alchemist themselves)
Likley Ingrediants:
Saffron spice
Golden crocus flower juice
Pomegranate juice
Step 3 - The Ritual Preparation
Set up your space so none of the components may escape the ritual space and so the ritual will not be interfered with.
Make sure the spirit you retrieved is within reach.
Make sure the item you desire will hold the Horcrux will be within reach as well.
Coax the spirit into the item and prepare it to tie your soul to the next step.
Step 4 - Death and Rebirth
To create a thread of your soul to tie to the ritual, you must die figuratively. Go through death to return stronger from the underworld.
Once you feel like death has reached you and your soul is separated you should heal your soul and finish the cycle, bringing you out of death and back to life by drinking the Phlegeton potion.
After the pain subsides you will feel healthier than before, stronger than before, and you’ll have an additional thread of sulfur (soul) in your chest to be pulled out and placed into the Horcrux.
The split-off soul should, on its own, try to search for life and a body to be bound to. If it doesn't, coax it out yourself and bind it to the Horcrux with the spirit you made in step 1.
Step 5 - Oath of Life
The connection between the body (the item), soul, and spirit is still unstable, if most likely strong enough to hold.
Swear the oath of life to finalize the bond between you, the Horcrux, and the soul thread together to ward off death.
I'll end with this note I made regarding Horcruxes when I started working on this theory:
I don't know what all goes into the process of making a Horcrux but I don't believe a person who truly likes themselves and doesn't want to inflict pain on themselves could make a Horcrux. Tearing up your soul is an act of arrogance above nature, sure, thinking you deserve to change the laws of the world and be the exception is part of it, but it's also an act of self-hatred. You need to hate yourself enough to be willing to kill yourself, hurt yourself, and tear yourself up in the most unnatural ways — hence why so few can do so, let alone more than once.
And Tom Riddle does seem to have that exact mix of arrogance, spite, and low self-esteem that would allow it.
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miss-musings · 5 months ago
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"Omega Needs You Both": A Deeper Look at Crosshair's Plan 99 Monologue
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So, I had an interesting exchange with someone on Twitter about the 3.15 "change of plans" scene and what exactly Crosshair meant -- specifically by the line "Omega needs you both."
I figured I'd share my thoughts here, and do a breakdown of the dialogue in this scene.
We start with Crosshair seeing Tantiss' defenses and his hand starts shaking uncontrollably. But, he clenches his fist and gives his brothers an update:
Crosshair: They've got heavy patrols guarding the perimeter, with lurca hounds. Wrecker: Told you we should've brought Batcher.
Wrecker, who was mauled by a jungle creature in the previous episode, has basically been running on a combination of adrenaline, determination and med patches for at least an hour. As Wrecker says this line, he chuckles and then groans with pain from his wounds.
Crosshair notices and gives him a look that Wrecker can intuit even under his helmet.
Wrecker: Stop looking at me like that. I'm fine. Crosshair: No, you're not.
Crosshair sees the situation they're in: Their five-man squad is down two people already.
Tech is dead. (RIP, bestest boy! 😭)
Echo is inside the base, but they can't coordinate with him. For all they know, he might've been captured or killed after deactivating the science vessel's sensors at the end of 3.13.
And now, on top of Crosshair's own hand tremors, Wrecker is severely injured.
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Clone Force 99 is down two people already, two of the remaining three aren't at full strength, AND they’re going into Tantiss without any (known) back-up. 😬
Even if they manage to get past the patrolling stormtroopers and lurca hounds, they still don't have an easy way in. (Of course, the Zillo beast solves both of these problems about two minutes later.)
So, knowing full well what they're going up against and seeing the bad shape his squad is in, Crosshair offers a solution:
Crosshair: Change of plans. You two head to the communications array and try to contact Rex. I'll infiltrate the base myself. Hunter: Not happening. Wrecker: Yeah, we've handled worse situations than this countless--
Wrecker of all people knows that their squad isn't invincible. But, I think he's trying to infuse some optimism into the conversation and convince Crosshair not to do something rash.
Meanwhile, Crosshair basically tries to do the exact same thing to Wrecker, but in a much harsher way:
Crosshair: Wake up, Wrecker! Clone Force 99 died with Tech. We're not that squad anymore.
Crosshair says what they're all probably thinking:
Clone Force 99 charged into every battle in the Clone Wars with full confidence and zero hesitation. Maybe they weren't exactly stupid about it, but they were definitely reckless.
Crosshair is trying to tell Wrecker that they're not that invincible squad anymore. They lost their MVP in Tech. They cannot afford to go recklessly charging into battle like they used to, which he believes Wrecker is suggesting.
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Crosshair: I've been inside that mountain. I know what we're up against. If we all go in, we're not all making it out.
Again, even if they manage to get inside, Crosshair knows exactly how well-defended Tantiss is. He's trying to convince his brothers to get to safety, because he knows the odds are stacked against them and he doesn't want to lose them.
He wants to keep them safe. He wants to protect them. So, he uses the best logic he has to try to convince them: 🥺
Crosshair: Omega needs you both.
I know a lot of people look at this line and interpret it as: "Crosshair thinks Omega doesn't need him (like she needs Hunter and Wrecker)."
There's definitely an argument to be made for that.
Crosshair has major self-esteem issues throughout Season 3, and he definitely feels like he failed Omega after missing the shot to track her ship in 3.11.
I do think he believes that Hunter and Wrecker matter to her more.
I also think he doesn't know or fully accept exactly how much he means to her.
But, he must have some sense that his well-being is important to her — that she cares about him.
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She refused point-blank to leave Tantiss without him. She spent five months telling him, convincing him, that they were going to escape together. For all his efforts to push her away, she never gave up on him. And when the opportunity finally came, she kept her word and freed him.
Between 3.05-3.11, Omega spends a lot of time with Crosshair.
She helps him reintegrate back into their family and reconcile with Hunter. She doesn't like when he suggests taking on CX-2 by himself. She tries to help him heal his hand and his mind. When she tries to convince them people can change, she reminds Crosshair that she never gave up on him.
She also told him multiple times in Seasons 1 and 3 that he was her brother. Omega always saw him as part of her family, and she wanted him in her life.
(EDIT: It’s also totally possible that Crosshair realizes Omega cares about him while ALSO believing she doesn’t need him. “She cares about me” =\= “she needs me,” especially compared to how much she needs Hunter and Wrecker. He is still weighed down by guilt and insecurity, after all, and feels like he failed her in 3.11.)
Again, I do think Crosshair underestimates and/or doesn't fully accept how much he means to her (or how much she needs him).
But, I think he’s ultimately trying to tell his brothers: "You two can't die, because Omega needs you."
Crosshair knows how much they care about her. He probably thinks they'll agree to anything -- no matter how stupid -- if helps guarantee her safety.
Omega is the best reason he has to convince them they need to live.
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In general, Tech went through a similar process in 2.16.
He first told his family to "sever the connection hinge now," and Wrecker refused. He called for Plan 99 and Wrecker still tried to talk him out of it. So, he shot the connection hinge himself, because he knew they'd never let him go even if it meant they’d all die too.
(RIP. He really was the bestest boy and the squad's MVP.)
Crosshair is doing the same thing: he's trying to convince his brothers to let him sacrifice himself to ensure their safety. 😭
Now, Tech's situation was different. It really was "either he dies or they all die." There was no way around it.
But that's not a guarantee here in 3.15, although Crosshair thinks it is. (And as we see later, he's basically right. The CX operatives could've and would've killed them, but Hemlock apparently wanted them alive.)
Anyway, let's close out Crosshair's monologue:
Crosshair: So, I'm doing this alone. It's-- It's what I deserve.
Pairing this with his previous statement that Omega needs Hunter and Wrecker, it can definitely sound like "I don't matter to Omega (like you do), so I need to sacrifice myself." Again, there's an argument to be made for that.
(EDIT: I really think DBB’s delivery of “Omega needs you both. So, I’m doing this alone. It’s what I deserve” is a BIG part of why people interpret it the way they do. And they’re arguably not wrong to do so. It does feel in-character for Crosshair.)
But, I'm guessing he means that sacrificing himself will finally atone for everything he's done -- hunting down and nearly killing his family, killing all sorts of people for the Empire, failing his loved ones, etc.
He's telling them: "I've made so many mistakes. Let me make up for it now by keeping you safe."
Thankfully, Hunter and Wrecker talk him out of it.
Hunter: Don't even think about Plan 99, Crosshair. Omega needs all of us, and so do those clones. Wrecker: We've always known the risks, and so did Tech. We do this together.
Hunter affirms that Omega needs all three of them. He's using the same logic that Crosshair tried: "Don't throw your life away, because Omega needs you too."
And Wrecker tells Crosshair more clearly that he knows their squad isn't invincible anymore. But, if they're going to do anything, they're going to do it together.
I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Crosshair planned to keep arguing with them, but then they got distracted by the Zillo beast. 😅
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In summary
If I had to rewrite Crosshair's monologue so it would more clearly convey what I think he's trying to say, it would go something like this:
Crosshair: Wrecker, we're not wild Clone Wars frat boys anymore. If we go rushing into Tantiss like we used to, we're all gonna die. You two need to live for Omega's sake. So, stay here and stay safe, and let me sacrifice myself. I nearly killed you all, and did a whole bunch of other bullshit, so I need to make up it.
As I said, I think a lot of these points are open to debate and discussion. But, I wanted to offer alternative interpretations for some of these iconic lines, because I feel like everyone keeps landing on the same (wrong) ones.
Feel free to comment/reblog with your thoughts!
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splatsvilles-fashionista · 2 months ago
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Ranking the promotional inklings/octolings by how much I like their outfits: Splatoon 1
Kaori:
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Studio Headphones / White Tee / Pink Trainers
A simple black/white t-shirt + headphones combo alongside some aggressively pink shoes
The neutral colors of the top half of the outfit work really well to let the shoes and hair pop, which is important given that she was our first introductions to the inklings as character designs.
The only thing I can dock this outfit points for is being pretty basic, but that's also kind of the point. I'd personally prefer something with a bit more pop, but it's kind of unassailable.
4/5. She's iconic for a reason.
John:
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Pilot Goggles / Zink Layered LS / Purple Hi-Horses
Similar to Kaori this is primarily a neutral outfit that puts the emphasis on the colorful shoes.
That said I like this one less than Kaori's. It's a little bit busier and the shoes don't pop as much given their darker purple tone.
Also I just don't like the Hi-Horses very much, sorry.
3/5. I can't be too harsh on him because the fit is meant to be basic, but I don't think it comes together as anything more than just Kaori's outfit but worse.
Mizuho:
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Bobble Hat / Green Zip Hoodie / Moto Boots
Nice natural colors give this 'fit am active, outdoorsy look.
I like the big boots on a sniper's outfit. It makes her feel grounded and stable.
The big bobble hat is also a slightly disarming feature, it makes a bit cute, and given that she's a sniper I think she'd read as a much more serious person if she wore something more self-serious like sunglasses.
4/5. I just think this one is really good.
Rui:
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Retro Specs / Baby-Jelly Shirt / Blue Slip-Ons
This 'fit flips the script the promotional characters have followed so far, really drawing your eyes to the polka dot shirt compared to the glasses and the single-color shoes.
The combination of the patterned button-down, the big boxy glasses, and the shorts (not that you had any other legwear choices in Splatoon 1) gives the outfit a vibe that to me feels straight-laced and whimsical all at once.
He has the energy of a stoic office worker with some very eccentric fashion choices.
3/5. I don't think it's very cohesive, but I can't bring myself to dislike it. It's got a lot of charm.
Laura:
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Takoroka Mesh / Black Squideye / White Kicks
Another really simple fit, just a cap, a t-shirt, and a pair of shoes.
The cap gives this outfit major tomboy energy to me, and I really quite enjoy that.
The little bits of red and pink on the otherwise solid white and black of the shoes and shirt actually do a lot of lifting here, providing the whole outfit a disproportionate amount of energy.
5/5. This one is really simple but I really think it has a ton of character.
Pit:
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Paintball Mask / Gray College Sweat / Orange Arrows
Another primarily neutral outfit, though this time with a pretty ostentatious piece of headwear.
I actually kind of like the shirt and shoes together, but that's about it. I really feel like the mask clashes with the rest of the outfit here.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the mask, of course, but I simply don't think it does anything with the other clothing here.
2/5. It's honestly not all that bad, but it simply doesn't grab me very much. I don't get any sense of personality here, and that's one of the things I really look for in an outfit.
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ebonysplendor · 1 month ago
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Prescription: LOVE (Demo) Review👨‍⚕️💊
TL;DR: I've got a head injury? I'm gonna need a doctor! How's my memory been? It's been fine. Wait, what? I've got a head injury? I'm gonna need a doctor! How's my memory been? It's been fine. Wait, what? I've got a head injury? I'm gonna need a doctor!
Game Link: https://livingslime.itch.io/prescriptionlove
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Notable Features: Self-Insert, Yandere LI, gender neutral language, 2 endings Spiciness: 0/5 -- Don't get me wrong, it's not wholesome either, but this is the type of LI that'll make you say "But daddy, I love him!" even though something is clearly off. LI Red Flags: 2/5 -- Gaslighter, obsessive tendencies, overly "medicating" us DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. HE'S SO SWEET. I CAN FIX HIM.
Wanna know more? Well, let's get into it!
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Okay, not gonna lie, this review is long overdue, because I played this like...maybe 3 or 4 days after the initial drop, and here I am, like, 3 weeks later lmao.
Um...okay, you know what? I'm-- I'm not gonna push myself to write an intro this time lol. I mean, since when is it ever good to push yourself? ...Sometimes, the answer is sometimes, but you should never push yourself too hard, ya know? ...I'm getting off track.
I guess I could start by saying how I found this game on a total accident, and holy shit, am I glad that I found this game regardless. It was damn good, and...honestly, a little unnerving at times. Like, I'll tell you more about it later, but let me tell you, one part in particular had me genuinely spooked.
Anyways, before I get too far into my yap session, I'm going to go ahead and tell you about the game -- with as little spoilers as possible, of course. I mean, how would you be motivated to play the game otherwise unless I leave just enough suspense and mystery? Exactly, so allow me a moment to set the scene, and let's get into it.
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So, boom.
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We wake up...somewhere.
No, like you don't get it. Logically, it's like, duh, hospital, but we have a whole ass IV in our arm, a splitting headache, and it's almost painfully obvious that our memory took a hit, because we don't remember damn near anything, you feel me? We have, what is essentially, a hole where our memories are supposed to be, and the memories that we do have are so fragmented that they doesn't make any sense. Like...what the hell happened, ya know?
At this point, we're making things worse, because we're trying to force ourselves to remember something -- anything -- and our brain is just like "Mmm...nah. How about we panic, though? Let's do that instead." So, we do. We start feeling really anxious because it's like, how do we go from remembering everything one moment, blink, and then just...virtually no memories at all? Like, nothing? Like, we can't even recognize what a hospital looks like or even is.
"Hey, hey, it's okay".
Huh?
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Oh! Oh, hello~! Could this be our boyfriend? Fiancé? Husband~?
"I'm Dr. Anselm."
I mean...he didn't say that he wasn't our husband, ya know? :3 Okay, wait, wait, no, stop, don't distract me. Let me get back on track.
Anyways, this tall gentleman helped us regain control of our nerves and informed us that we were perfectly safe and were currently in a hospital. Dr. Anselm basically told us that he has been overseeing our care and that he was the one in charge of our surgery.
...Wait, our fucking what?!
Before we get too freaked out, though, he tells us that we had some kind of accident that involved blunt force to our head which naturally caused a traumatic brain injury. He then tells us that, when we were brought it by the paramedics, we were in need of an emergency operation in order for us to live. Oh, and we had been asleep for two days straight. Well damn...
Imagine not remembering what you even ate for breakfast yesterday -- well, two days ago -- and this random man who claims to be a doctor comes out of the woodwork and tells you that you had brain surgery. If I could just reiterate once more...what the hell happened?!
Even still, admittedly, Dr. Anselm is being super gentle about the whole thing, and it's bringing a good amount of comfort and security, like everything is going to end up okay; he's even going to let us call our family to let them know that we've pulled through and that we're safe...even though, it's a bit off that no one's visited to start with.
No matter though, because it's past curfew anyways, and Dr. Anselm is adamant that we should rest first and call tomorrow. Fair enough. Rest is a part of recovery after all, and we'd rather get our memories back sooner versus later, not to mention that we actually are a little tired. Lmao, now here's when the issues start coming in...
See, we managed to fall asleep, but then the creak of the door woke us up. Now, at first, we're like "Meh, probably the nurses checking in or whatever", but the issue is, remember when I was like we felt a sense of comfort and security from Dr. Anselm? Lmao, this shit was far from comfortable, let alone safe. So, we make the mistake of we look at the door, and in the gap --
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Lmao nah, ain't no way. We're hallucinating.
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BRO, AIN'T NO FUCKING WAaaaAAAaAaAaaAAaY. WE ARE NOT HALLUCINA-- DoCTOr ANSEeEEeEEEeeeELM!!!!
Bro, we hit that call button so fast, but that thing also ran off just as fast before Dr. Anselm came rushing in. So, naturally, now we look like we're experiencing the side effect of delulu, because we're trying to explain that we saw something that was clearly not there, but it's like...bro, no, we know what the fuck we saw! Like, dude, please do something!
As always, Dr. Anselm's being super sweet and promised that he'd look into it and get someone to check the security cameras. He encourages us to try to go back to sleep so we don't disrupt our recovery, and, oddly enough, we're able to, even after that.
The next morning, comes along, and Dr. Anselm let's us call our folks, like promised, but...no answer. Hurtful, but okay. Dr. Anselm, also like promised, tells us that they checked the security cameras, and there was no one watching us from the door. Great. So, now we're two for two in this bitch. Perfect.
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Still, leave it to Dr. Anselm to help us feel better, though, so it doesn't weigh on us too much for too long. He really is our knight in shining...lab coat.
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Even though, with all that medicine he's been giving us...
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Not to mention, we had this vividly weird dream...
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And, sometimes, there's these weird little flickers in his expression when we ask certain questions or say certain things...
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Is Dr. Anselm really trying to help us? Or...
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...is it benefitting him that we don't know what happened to us?
Then again...
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Nah, that's kind've delulu to think. He's done nothing but try to prioritize our health and recovery. We're safe. We can trust him. It the doctor's orders, after all, and he'd know what's best for us.
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4 words: I CAN FIX HIM.
No, no, no, no, no, hear me out! I can fix this one! Like, the red flags are there, but I can FIX him! Is he the one that caused us to have a traumatic brain injury? Maybe. Is he over-medicating us? Possibly. Am I gonna overlook all of that? Absolutely. I mean, who cares that I have an intense suspicion that we're not actually in a hospital and that we're just in a basement that's staged to look like a hospital. Who hasn't played doctor before? I ain't gonna fault this man for trying to heal his inner child and playing pretend. Like, honestly? Good for him.
Okay, but no, enough of that. This...was really good! It physically hurts me that this game is not done yet, but I am so excited that this game isn't done yet, because I am anticipating the hell out of what is next to come. The developer really has a strong foundation, and I can only imagine how they're going to build on it.
The pacing is a little slow, but it's not a bad slow! It's literally seeping us into the story, and I honestly feel like the pacing could not have been executed any better than it has been. This flowed exactly how I feel a demo or prologue or intro or whatever you wanna call it should. I just know that whenever there's an update, shit is going to start getting real, and I cannot wait for that!
Let's talk about the environment/atmosphere...ooh bitch. Let me just say this, I can watch all of the horror movies in the world and be totally fine. I can watch let's plays of horror games and read scary stories...but I cannot be in the situation myself. Haunted houses/trails? Playing horror games myself? Shit scares me out of my soul. That being said, that part where it was talking about being watched through the crack of the door? Chills. Fucking chills. I don't know what it was, because that's not anything revolutionary, especially in these yandere games, but for some reason, the way that the dev executed it just hit different. And the art! Like did you see the CG?! Lmao nah, nah, let me remind you. Actually, let me zoom in on it.
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Like, what the fuck is thaaaaaaaaat?! (╥ᯅ╥)
I didn't mention this, because I was narrating/summarizing, but I had genuine fear tears when I read through it the first time, and it was somehow worse when I had to grab and attach the screenshots and type through that part. Like, I HATE shit like this, bro! Like, just make it obvious! Don't put faces and figures and shit like that in the darkness and barely out of view to the point where you can't see it unless you focus on it!
I was literally squinting my eyes and reading fast as shit because I wanted to read it, but I wanted to get through it and away from this scene, but I also wanted to prep myself for a possible jumpscare. Like, developer. De-ve-lo-per. Pop off. This part was so good, and I loved/hated every second.
I'm doing that yap thing that I do again, so I'm going to save you from the rest of my ramblings and start winding down. If you do not already have this downloaded and ready to play, you have got to do that expeditiously. I am telling you, I know I say this about a lot of these visual novels, but this is one that I absolutely cannot allow you to miss out on. This one is so good! Just don't get too invested, because it's just a demo. I suggest going to the game's page, putting your pride aside, and beg for an update as soon as possible -- respectfully, of course. It should be common sense, but don't harass the dev for an update ... but damn, do I hope they come through with an update soon. Very soon. Tomorrow actually...today.
Anyways, here's the link. Go download it, and tell the dev that your life is theirs, because I'm honestly contemplating starting a cult in their honour. I'll sacrifice the nearest weeb for two extra lines of reading material in this visual novel. I'm serious. I'm yapping again...
Okay, anyways! Ending it for realsies this time. Again, I highly recommend giving this game a playthrough. Here's the link to the game page and download...again. If you're able to donate to the cause, donate to the cause, as I'm sure the dev would seriously appreciate the monetary support. Oh! And just as a "pro"-but-not-really-tip: for right now, the choices are more of an "illusion of choice". The endings will be worded the same no matter what, so there's no extra dialogue or CGs, or secret options, or anything like that. It'll just be dialogue pertaining to that specific answer choice at that specific time, and then it's not brought up or mentioned again after it's done.
And...that's it! Lol I'm finally done yapping. Big preesh for getting this far! Please remember to drink water, don't be dumb, and hope to see you around~!
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Prescription: LOVE (Demo)
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crystallizsch · 9 months ago
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Random Thought, please humor me.
SURPRISE: YUUSHA GAINS MAGIC (By absorbing the Magic around her & dealing with Overblots)! Even better, she doesn't need a Mage Stone to control it! What would Yuusha's Unique Magic be & how does she use it? How would Jamil react?
"Magic makes people feel too powerful. Too entitled."
"That is not what magic does. That's just your fear. Fear is what can't be trusted."
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HELPPP anon your random thought sent me down into a rabbit hole and i was hyperfixated on this for at least a WEEK 😭
THANK YOU FOR THE ASK BTW I REALLY APPRECIATE IT I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS 💕💕💕
anyways i also had an agonizing realization that yuusha is somewhat twisted elsa/anna because she has:
braid in front ✅
light-colored hair streak ✅
love interest that used her for his schemes ✅
desire to connect with people bc of years of loneliness (and emotional instability) ✅
unresolved childhood trauma in general ✅
(and probably more idk, these are the ones that stand out to me at the moment)
i haven't thought about frozen for YEARS and somehow it's still haunting me.
i have a lot of mixed feelings about this realization in general but the reason i brought this up is because i ended up basing yuusha's unique magic on frozen (not the ice powers part, but more the emotions aspect since elsa's powers work based on her emotions) while also still having aspects of yuu's own personality on it.
(also I'm sorry in advance i keep on dropping random lore about yuu and jamil's dynamic that only makes sense to myself hndsfhdsj)
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I'm your friend. You don't have to hide. SHOW YOURSELF.
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"Show Yourself" forces the target to say what's actually on their mind as long as she touches them. Since she's not particularly powerful and skilled with her own unique magic in the beginning, it's limited to skin-to-skin contact, and it only lasts for as long as she's touching her target.
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If Yuu trained it more, it doesn't have to be skin-to-skin, just as long as she makes some kind of physical contact with her target; and it could last for as long as she wants even if she is no longer making physical contact. (But the longer she keeps it up, the more blot accumulates.) Yuusha would mostly just use her unique magic to mess with people. It'll only be rare that she chooses to use it for something serious.
To add more onto how Jamil would react to these magic shenanigans: They've both agreed on not using their unique magic on each other. To do so would be a breach of trust. (Of course there would be special exceptions but generally that's their agreement.) And since Jamil is still a scheming prick (affectionate), her "Show Yourself" unique magic would be useful. Plus, Yuu would not be against using her unique magic 99% of the time since she is also aware of the usefulness of her ability. Jamil would insist on helping Yuu out on how to use her magic because there was no way she'd get the hang of it immediately. And he knows she would refuse to ask any other (capable) magician for help.
An alternate idea that I scrapped was "Let It Go" where it's essentially Yuu telling her target to let go of their (usually negative) emotions. But those feelings can't just disappear so Yuu basically absorbs them so now it's her burden to carry instead. I scrapped it because I can't settle on how it works. (But it still had angst potential so I couldn't help but draw a bit about it anyway.)
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(extra rambling below about yuusha overblot thoughts if anyone's interested hdlfhjgj)
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this is a brief tangent from the original question because i also thought, "hey what if she overblotted, wouldn't that be fun"
i could see the overblot going in either two ways:
yuu accidentally hurts grim (or another friend) with her magic. she’s so distraught thinking that even with magic she can't protect those who are dear to her. and so during the overblot she will not actively try to hurt anyone but instead exhausting her magic reserves in an intentional attempt at self-destruction. (yes i also see the frozen parallels shhhh)
OR
something happens that was simply THE LAST STRAW. now she’s too pissed at everyone that she no longer cares about what happens to her or anyone else, going on a destructive rampage. which can also be considered an intentional attempt at self-destruction.
either way, basically, if she can’t go home she’s just going to take herself out and/or the school instead. the girl is not okay.
(there's actually nothing good she can home to, but she's convinced she'll be happy again if she returns. but she doesn't know that because she can't remember shit about her home. that's a separate lore dump post hgdsjfkld)
also the blot monster behind her would look something like marshmallow (elsa's snow monster from frozen) :)
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(i also used to have a similar idea for yuusha. i planned to have her be immune to magic *because* she was absorbing it and she didn't realize. leading to an inevitable overblot) (but i scrapped it because yuusha became my victim for jamil x yuu stuff) (like if i can't have the excuse to have jamil use snake whisper on yuu then what is the point)
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goddessxeffect · 1 year ago
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《 MASTERPOST: Let go and let God 》
Quotes from blog post and answers from other bloggers regarding certain topics based in the teachings of law of consciousness and non duality. This is a summary of everything I think is incredibly useful and has been for me in understanding and applying this lifestyle. Long post ahead.
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Basics & Teaching
"I contain all, nothing contains me." - Nisargadatta Maharaj
This subject cannot be learned intellectually, it cannot be learned through the mind [ego] because it's perceived just behind the mind. We can use the mind to gradually undo the limitations enough so that we can get behind the mind by getting it quieter. @4dbarbie-backup
What you can point out as 'this' or 'that' cannot be yourself. Surely, you can not be 'something' else. You are nothing perceivable, or imaginable. Yet, without you there can be neither perception nor imagination. Identity or Ego is merely a pattern of events in time and space, which are also just concepts belonging to the world of ego.@4dbarbie-backup YOU are life. you are life itself. you are all. you are how this all works. "me? this body? this mind?" not the body, mind, ego or thoughts. not even the feeling, beliefs & emotions. i'm talking about Self. Infinity. God. I AM. the awareness. the one that observes all. the life force is you. you animate all of what you see. @lains-reality
Realize you are never not IT. We are actually fully realized all the time. We are fully realized Beings saying that we are not. @4dbarbie-backup There is no becoming "aware". You can't become something you already are! You keep forgetting you are not the body-mind (ego). The body-mind lacks things, the body-mind takes it's surroundings to be real. The body-mind has a very limited viewpoint, it knows what it knows, it only sees what it sees. @iamthat-iam The [body-]mind cannot intimidate the Pure Self, it can only intimidate the idea you have of who you are, your self image. what the mistake is, is that we are taking the idea of who we are as the fact of who we are.@lains-reality
Everything you see and experience is only a mental condition, a dream-like state, easy to dispel by questioning its reality. Both sleep and waking are imagined.@4dbarbie-backup Dreams are just "materializations" of whatever our consciousness is aware of while the body rests. You can touch it, you can interact with it, your senses become active when you're dreaming at times. there's even a phenomenon where people actually thought their dreams were memories or something they legitimately experienced.@piercedblunt "But I am not conscious of myself when sleeping?!" You are aware of something though, being unconscious, which manifests instantly, you are sleeping. Being unconscious is an experience, and you're doing the same thing in the waking state.@4dbarbie-backup
Let's now take a look at this so-called physical world. The apparent solid outer world is just an illusory world. We created it mentally, which is also backed up by human science. But, and that's the catch, it is not external and so the only way to control the outside world is to step out of the world. The ego IS IN the world, and not you. Both the ego and the world are IN YOU.@4dbarbie-backup
When 'you' desire something, you [Consciousness] already have it. How do you already have it? Your true self is everything, it can't desire anything if it's already being anything. Everything that your ego desires already exists within consciousness. Remember that whenever your ego tries to bring up a desire. @iamthat-iam After all, when 'you' desired in your mind, wasn't there a moment where you had it? Where you imagined what it'd be like to have it, what it'd look like or how it'd make you feel? @cheryawa It is not instantly visible to you because you identify with the body and not your pure being. No matter how much you use your mind/imagination, you are who you are regardless of the imagines playing in the head. I could think of a panda a million times, imagine what it's like being a panda a thousand more, that doesn't make me into a panda when I still know myself to be a person.@4dbarbie-backup
Here's a scale of emotions you'll go through in your journey, from bottom to top: apathy, grief, fear, hostility, anger, indifference, acceptance, freedom finally - and then unlimited, independent joy. @4dbarbie-backup It’s not an euphoric feeling either but a real feeling of knowing and with that - indifference and power. It is very calm and serene, as if nothing can disturb you. @adadisciple
I've been looking at the things I want as existing for me to experience them. When I have a desire, I experience it as something that already belongs to me because everything is coming from (within) me. @4dbarbie-backup
NON-DUALISM
"It is the Self that believes there is a person and is conscious of being IT." - Ada B.
Let's break the word down first. “Non” of course means “no” or “not.” And “dual” means “two.” So, non-dual means not two. It says there is only one. This is referring to you, awareness [or consciousness], that there is only you, [...] the only thing that exists. You are the true reality. The only purpose for awareness is to observe, to oversee, to be. Nothing more, nothing less. For example, awareness is human, it can take on a human form, but human is not awareness or defines awareness as a whole. A human is simply a temporary form, but awareness is always free to be aware of any other form @itzalizeyyy
Whatever you imagine is the same as seeing it in the physical world, because both are still being an observed experience by the awareness, and therefore both are the same, as one (imagination). @itzalizeyyy
Helpful metaphors: When you watch a movie, you know it is a movie bc you are outside of it. you are observing it. now what about the characters in the movie? they dont know its a movie bc they are not outside of it. they think they are just regular ppl and they dont see the truth, their true selfs: which is just characters in a movie. @msperfect777 The ego is like your character in the game (of life), it's already a "manifestation" so it can't manifest (just like a book can't write itself or another book). You are aware of a character you go through life with. @consciousnessbaddie
Ego Death is then the disappearance of the egoistic sense of Self. You feel that your are no longer that.You don't disappear; you don't lose anything. There's no reason to fear losing your body, or losing anything. Yet, most of us are fearful that we're going to lose our body and be nothing. That's a serious error. You could be a hundred bodies! When the idea 'I am this body' dies, the witness does not. Death is merely the idea 'I have lost my body'. What you think yourself to be before death continues to be after death. Your sense of Self survives. @4dbarbie-backup
In Non Dualism, the goal is to stop identifying with ego and realize who you are.You see there's no seperation between you and anything so that means everything you once "desired" is already who you are. You never feel the sense of desire again because of this. Any "physical materialization" that happens after will not seem like such a big deal, since it was already who they were to begin with. @iamthat-iam
"I am that, I have always been that. All is well. There are no mistakes. I am in my right place." All you have to do is realize/ know your are not the mind (= identitiy, character, ego). Robert Adams
Self-Inquiry
" To know the source as source and appearance as appearance, and oneself as the source only is self-realization " - Ada B.
The mind is doing a good job actually, because it bites you and kicks you and teases you, because if it doesnt do that, then you'll want to make this limited feel your home.@lains-reality
Every thought is a thing of limitation. Therefore when we quiet the mind, we still these limiting thoughts and this infinite Being that we are becomes self obvious to us. We have convinced ourselves over the millenniums that we are these limited bodies, and we think it takes time to let go of these concepts of limitation. But time is a thing of the ego, it's a thought. @4dbarbie-backup
Learn the art of being aware of you (awareness). [...] You must not become what you already are, as the detached witness of every thought or sensation that comes and goes. [...] The practice of self-inquiry is returning to the fact of who and what you are. @anon-i-mus
It's a kind of surrendering but to me, truthfully and honestly, it felt more like a giving up. Even if it makes you miserable, accept the person you're identified with until you no more fear it or care if you stay the same. @4dbarbie-backup
-> Questions to ask yourself
Detachment
"Transcend your desires and your fears and you will have everything." - Ada B.
As Buddha taught, the root of suffering is attachment. It is not having the emotions and thoughts [...] but resisting or supressing them, and resisting the transitory nature of life and all things. Emotions and thoughts pass. No big deal. It is holding on to them when they are just coming up to leave or pass through that causes suffering. @lains-reality You need not stop thinking. Just cease being interested. It is disinterestedness that liberates. If you say, “There's no problem,” they won't vanish because you're saying, “There's no problem.” You're mentally holding onto the problem and therefore sustaining it. Erase the problem from your mind means to know (be aware) that everything is perfect and then the problem is necessarily non-existent. Basically, let go of it, because the problem is just an illusion. @4dbarbie-backup
You then ask how to stop being "Vanessa" ? - the reason you can't stop is because it's ALL YOU THINK YOU ARE. For example: You're driving a car. "I AM" is the car. You know how to drive it because you're already driving it by being Vanessa. Vanessa is something you add to the "I AM" and not you. You can't stop being Vanessa while being Vanessa! I think that's what everyone keeps asking: Vanessa wants to be Lara, not awareness [first]. @4dbarbie-backup
To talk of re-uniting the person with the self is also not right, because there is no person, only a mental picture given a false reality by conviction. Nothing was divided and there is nothing to unite. You are That. @4dbarbie-backup Nothing can remove your being. Nothing has ever stained your being.@lains-reality You think you have to do this and that because you think you're it, and you should act from it. That is not the case. There's nothing to do except disbelieve. But disbelieving and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. @4dbarbie-backup
Detachment is not lonely. It's freedom and it's real love. Needing is selfish, it's self-centered. The self has no preference and it's because of that that it can be everything. @4dbarbie-backup
Some of you are on this path for a while but to some extent still are identified with ego and that's OK. Don't get caught up in "your" expectations of what self-realization is supposed to be like. The expectations are making you turn this into a task, when it is supposed to be effortless. Yes, we have talked about feeling peaceful once you've realized yourself, but you're going to need to drop the expectations. It's okay if ego isn't completely grasping it, ego isn't real and it isn't who you are. @iamthat-iam
Fear is an invitation to remember who you truly are. Acknowledging fear doesn't make you any less worthy of or further away from what you truly desire. Similarly, acknowledging your shadows does not dim the Light that you are. The shadows you battle against are simply the seeming absence of you. Becoming entangled in the world of shadows is simply the forgetting of your Self; and Light casts shadows that come and go only to remember itself. The truth is that Light knows no opposition or enemy. Shadows have no separate existence from Light. Your fears are made of you. @lains-reality
The more I detached from ego, the freer I was to imagine what ego wanted without interference from conflicting thoughts/thoughts that "oppose" the desire. @iamthat-iam In fact, abandon all imaginings and know yourself as you are. Self-knowledge is detachment. All craving is due to a sense of insufficiency. @4dbarbie
To anyone who also wonders "how am I still picking this ego?": how many times have you thought about tomorrow? next week? future plans? there's your answer. and the worries about "life" come from them too. "if I don't prepare for/worry about this event that'll happen, I'll have to deal with the consequences of this action" you're telling yourself you will keep waking up as this exact same ego over and over. @glitterdoll888
If you come straight from Law of Assumption or Law of Attraction please keep on reading this last section!
“The simplest answer is usually the right one!.” - Occam’s razor
I think, that what we call 'manifestation' is life itself. i do not mean life in the way that you live A life, like its happening outside of you. i mean it as: it is natural & normal to manifest, its existance itself. it is not something you have, it just is. 'manifestation' is just life itself. it's how all works & is.@lains-reality
The similarity between ND and LOA is in the fact that What you’re aware of, is. LOA’s inner self is still ego. To talk about fulfilling self means fulfilling ego. There is nothing to fulfill if you are the Self and the only one that needs to be fulfilled is an ego, you’re still catering to an ego. @adadisciple
Please, please, understand that you don't have to DO anything! You are always awareness,you will never lack anything. Please stop worrying about the "physical" world and stop trying to materialize things within it! Non Dualism isn't a "new manifestation method" to "get what you want," you are realizing you never lacked anything this whole time. @iamthat-iam
The way the sun rises up in the morning, in the same way Vanessa happens to awareness. It is natural. Do you try to make it happen? It comes by itself (because you choose it as you).@adadisciple For example "I am a body" is a thought that runs automatically ("subconscious), because we do not look at it/know it, we have just accepted we are bodies and that's why we "see" a body. @4dbarbie-backup
You just need to allow something else to happen, not try to make it so!! You cannot help being what you are: Vanessa is the absolute to you now. But if she can be TO YOU, if she happens TO YOU, who is YOU? Your Vanessa "I" runs on autopilot, she is a symbol. She has no free will. To the Self, she is only an idea. She has been conditioned and programmed to think the way she does, it’s the only way she knows how to function. And that’s fine, let her be. Just don’t pick her as you.If she were a random stranger on the street, you would have no concern about her life. If you were Lara now, where would Vanessa be in your thoughts? That is the behavior you should strive for in your thinking, dispassion, disinterest, detachment. Let the thought of being her go. Just let them BE. The way you let Vanessa be. And you let Vanessa be by thinking that’s all you are, that’s what is true. @adadisciple
If you want a "method", then the very best method of all methods is to quiet the mind to see the Being that you are. Pose the question: “Who am I?” and if other thoughts come in, ask, “To whom are these thoughts?” The answer is “To me.” “Well, who am I?” and you're back on the track, seeking to see your Self. @4dbarbie-backup I sit in the feeling while focusing on something else in the present moment, and it usually goes away. @iamthat-iam
Non Dualism does not believe in “affirming” or “persisting” because if awareness is already everything, then it does not need to affirm or persist for its desire if it already has [or IS] its own desire. @itzalizeyyy Like repetition, it keeps you in lack. Do you need to remind yourself that you are a man or a woman? That experience, that form, is already being observed, is already being aware of. You know 'your' gender. @4dbarbie-backup
The truth is, there was no "3D" or "4D" in the first place. there is no imagination VS reality. nothing is real, it has always been illusion VS illusion. If anytime you get thoughts like "why is it not here" "why don't i see it" "why hasn't it manifested yet" you are immediately identifying with your human self. [...] Relying on the human senses will always be our downfall. @iamthat-iam
If you don't have the discipline to at least cut off all this excess of knowledge of information, you'll only be making it tougher on yourself. After you do that, stick to it until you're ready to let go and rely on yourself. Until you start behaving like the teacher and one is needed no more. You create the teacher because you think someone is more knowledgeable than you. That's fine for now, but trust the teacher, listen and apply.@4dbarbie-backup
I have Psychiatrist & doctors appointments, work, still need to eat, want to commit suicide? Psychiatrist appointment. What is that for? To correct your thinking, isn't that right? Reconditioning, changing, or even eliminating patterns of the mind. Now, I'm not telling you to stop going/stop working and or eating. That would be irresponsible of me. Leave your mind alone, that is all. @4dbarbie-backup
DO NOT ACTIVELY INTERFERE in ego's life or try to stop living that life while still being very attached to it, i.e. still identifying with that ego. Let the person continue to live it's life and fulfill it's obligations like studying, but maintain the knowing that it's not who you are. @iamthat-iam
But what about random things that I wasn't even aware of before they came? It's very simple, really. You are aware of being Vanessa and with Vanessa come specific beliefs. Characters have their own beliefs like certain weather can give you a cold, certain environments have insects etc. Thoughts dominate you only because you are interested in them. By resisting evil, you merely strengthen it. If you are "I AM", it means you are not the person experiencing the 3D world/thoughts/circumstances, you never were. The problem is excessive interest, leading to self-identification. Whatever you are engrossed in you take to be real. @4dbarbie-backup
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ushsblog · 4 months ago
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Headcanons and Ideas that Episode “Through the Looking Back Glass” Left Me With
(Long post)
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1. Wandless magic
First of all, every time I see the incident scene, I can't help but wonder about the magic without a wand. I mean the part where Child Cedric performs a spell with his bare hands, when he tries to fix Cordelia's hair.
That got me thinking because (and correct me if I'm wrong) I don't have seen another sorcerer or sorceress do magic only with their hands. My headcanon about this is that some wizards, with a long lineage of magic, can do some spells without a wand.
And, well, it makes sense to me knowing that Cedric came from a long line of wizards.
Anyway, I don't know if doing this kind of magic is somewhat advanced for a child. It caught my attention when Child Cordelia says: "But you can't cast a spell like that, Ceddy. You're too young".
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And then, Cedric shows her he actually CAN do the spell. That, more than a headcanon, makes me wonder if Cedric was a prodigy in magic before losing his self-confidence due to the incident.
And it makes me a little sad thinking about whether Cedric could have had a brighter future if that incident had never happened.
2. Goodwyn being a terrible father
I always found it so unfair the way everyone treats Child Cedric when the smoke serum failed, and even more so, the way his parents let it happen. I know this doesn't even happen in the episode, but I think it's somewhat implicit that Goodwyn didn't defend or at least comfort Cedric. He doesn't even seem to forgive him for his "mistake."
I mean, if your son accidentally hurts his sister, I understand your anger at first. Maybe saying he shouldn't be playing with things he doesn't know or punishing him for his carelessness, perhaps. But eventually, you should tell him it's fine, that you know it wasn't his intention, right? I don't know, something like that, because despite everything, HE'S A CHILD.
Children make mistakes. Cedric's "mistake" was serious, of course. But I think that, as a father, anyone should not let it grow so much that it becomes social rejection. I don't know if I explain myself. But I mean that the way Goodwyn (and Winnifred) handled the matter was terrible.
This brings me to my idea: something was wrong in that family even before the incident. (Explained more in the later points)
Maybe not as bad as it sounds, but personally, I believe something was happening at least between Goodwyn and Cedric for Goodwyn to act like that. I could also say, my headcanon is that Goodwyn had all his hopes and expectations on Cedric. He was going to be his replacement, the new Royal sorcerer, even if he was a child.
I believe part of the way Goodwyn probably reacts and treats Cedric after the incident (I'm referring to all the scolding and interrupting him, as seen in the Mystic Meadows episode) comes from that idea of him disgracing his legacy. Sorry if it's a very basic idea, but this takes me to another point.
3. Goodwyn shit-talking about Cedric
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So, similar to the part before, I think that even before the incident, Goodwyn was very hard on Cedric. For the reasons I explained before, I think Goodwyn put pressure on Cedric to get his spells right and that kind of thing. Because, surely even before everything, Cedric did not meet his expectations.
And one of the reasons I believe this is because of that part when Child Cordelia screams at Cedric during the incident: “This is all your fault.”
Because even if, at that moment, it definitely looked like it was his fault, why was Child Cordelia's first reaction to scream and blame Cedric? Because it's a learned habit.
From nothing more than Goodwyn. A child doesn’t learn alone; they imitate behaviors from their home and environment. He doesn't care to say it in front of Sofia (a girl who shouldn't be involved in it) in that buttercups episode, after all. That’s my headcanon here.
Cordelia saw the way her father scolded Cedric, and then, she learned to do it. The incident was only the trigger, so to speak.
It obviously got worse after the incident.
4. Winnifred and Cordelia Relationship
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I know it was such a short scene and maybe the animators didn't want to make a young Winnifred model, but where the fuck was Winnifred during the incident? It's your daughter's big special entrance; shouldn't you be in the front row to see her?
That was just a thought I wanted to share, anyway…
This episode, and others about Cedric’s family, gave me the headcanon that just as Cedric had a bad relationship with his father, Cordelia had it with her mother.
Maybe not as bad as Cedric with Goodwyn, but something like that. Let me explain my thought. When Child Cordelia needs comfort, she doesn't look for her mother; she runs to her father. (Well, yeah, because Winnifred wasn't there, so we don't know if Cordelia could have gone to her instead.)
I think Cordelia and Goodwyn had a better relationship because Winnifred always had a slight preference for Cedric that only grew after the incident. With Goodwyn and Cordelia attacking Cedric, Winnifred may have felt an obligation to be on her son’s side.
That probably would make Child Cordelia feel like her mother is betraying her. I mean, if your mother tries to defend the person that hurt you (that left you bald), you probably feel angry at her.
Even more so when she spends her time saying he's a “great sorcerer” despite everything he did. You live permanently bald because of him, and he's a great sorcerer? That's totally bullshit. (At least, that's what Cordelia must have thought.)
And, as it seems in “Cedric be good,” she also supports him in anything he does. Even when it’s something bad and a legit crime. I just imagine Winnifred defending Child and young Cedric for everything he did, even if, sometimes, it was really his fault. So, in part, that makes me understand Cordelia's anger.
Yeah, I made a headcanon to understand and empathize with Cordelia a little.
So, probably Cordelia got closer to her dad. I also can see them talking shit about Cedric while doing some activity together, lol. It's like their recreational time.
Summary: Cedric is a mommy’s boy and Cordelia is a daddy’s girl. (Is that expression well used? I don't speak English but I have seen some people use it. I'm a little afraid of using the wrong expressions and having something else understood.)
5. Sorceress/ sorcerer balls are a presentation to magical society.
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Yep. That's my other headcanon. (And I think it's for any gender)
I belive this because of the other wizards we can see in the background. Again, I know it's because it's probably easier for animators to use the same models of other characters, but let’s leave that aside.
These wizards are the same as in the episode “Hexley Hall” during the song the other familiars sing to Wormwood. These people are academics from Hexley Hall and, apparently, very important people in the world of wizards. (Because of the number of portraits they have around the series and so on.)
I think the ball is a way of presenting the new little wizards who will join the world of sorcery. Also, I think that after 10 years old, is the time they enter Hexley Hall. So, it makes sense for people from Hexley Hall to come to these parties to see their future students and members.
I say it's from the age of ten because in Cedric's flashback in Hexley Hall, he already has white locks. Personally, I think Cedric was 8 or 9 during the incident, and that Cordelia is the older sister. In fact, I thought that was canon until I saw some people disputing it.
Anyway, that only makes Cedric's mistake more significant. Because he, in front of the eyes of the most important people in the magic community, looked like a failure. And maybe that's why he had such a bad reputation in Hexley Hall.
Plus whatever he did in his school years.
Thank you for your time! I would like to know what you think about it. I can't believe how interesting a scene that's less than five minutes long is.
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weebsinstash · 9 months ago
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Not me sitting here thinking of the most DISGUSTINGLY SELF INDULGENT shit with platonic yandere dad Lucifer that is actually making my heart hurt 😩❤️
There was a TV series called Lucifer where that devil protagonist could utilize his position as ruler of Hell, the dominion of souls who have sinned, to charm people amd look inside of them to reveal their hidden desires or true evils. He could have them spouting their real feelings or blurting out something they were ashamed of or trying to hide, and he could always sort of generally tell what people were thinking or feeling by looking at them
I can't help but think of Hazbin Lucifer having similar powers. You're a human soul down in his dominion of Hell and he can sense the quivering amd shaking of your spirit when you're lying or concealing something from him. You're sitting around the Hotel depressed and in your mind you think "God I wish I could kill myself a second time" and he's quaking out a shocked WHAT from the other end of the room and it's like, Charlie dude ummmm can your dad READ MINDS? And she's all casual, "oh yeah sure haha there's never hiding anything from him :)" and you're sitting there *duck quack sound effect* as Lucifer has basically now made you priority number 2 (priority 1 is Charlie and you're ALSO a priority for her so... you know...)
Lucifer who finds you depressed and crying and trying to bury all your sorrows in liquor and you're getting so drunk you can barely talk and it breaks his heart as a father, that you can't even walk, can barely string together a sentence, just going from inebriated joy to deep, deep sorrow while still trying to be nice to your friend's dad. He's helping scoop you off the floor as you sob your father never loved you and you deserved to die, that you should've killed yourself a long time ago, and he's asking how old you are, or, how old your soul is now, and when you answer he just looks so pained, "but you're still just a baby" and hugs you tightly as he's basically adopting you right that second
Lucifer who finds you crying/flinching in your sleep like you're having a nightmare and he goes into your head and looks at your memories and sees you're having nightmares of being struck as a child. the devil feeling this deep well of disgust gurgling inside of him as he witnesses for himself how many times you were cruelly abused just for acting like a normal kid, how many times your little heart was broken, how many times your little baby hands reached out for help from someone else only to be pushed away, and suddenly, you start having these weird dreams about being a child again. Charlie catches her dad sitting on your bed at your side while you sleep, combing his fingers through your hair as he all but mind-melds with you and she asks what he's doing. the second he tells her what he's seen and how it makes him feel and what he wants to do, she approves and wants to help
Suddenly you start having all these little dreams of being a kid again, but, they aren't scary dreams anymore... no one is bullying you here... in these dreams, you can run around and play and... and... your big sister Charlie is there. Your big sister Charlie and your dad Lucifer. You're small and vulnerable again and Lucifer will call the two of you his little ducklings as he takes your hands and tells you you've all got to hurry or you won't get good seats, and you feel an actual sense of excitement in your heart as he tells you he's taking you guys to the circus
The dream keeps going and going and it's so wonderful and FUN that at some point Charlie and Lucifer watch your little self break down crying, hugging the demonic pair as tight as you can because you know you're going to wake up and... reality is different. No one... LOVES YOU like you can feel here, and you're just bawling. This dream actually kind of makes you HORRIBLY DEPRESSED because you wake up and realize you don't actually have what you were experiencing, that it's just some weird fantasy your brain is cooking up that makes ot awkward to look at your friend and her dad
Meanwhile in the hotel Alastor is poking his head into your room to see you conked out while both Morningstars sit/lay on each side of you with their eyes closed holding your hands or some shit to form the connection and, Lucifer cracks an eye open to make direct contact with Alastor like "interrupt our family moment or say something to them about this, I fucking dare you" and for some reason, Alastor has a sinking suspicion he shouldn't push this, just this one time, or it might end badly for him...
You're waking up accidentally almost calling Lucifer Dad when you see him because you spend almost every night getting to go to amusement parks and play carnival games and eat ice cream and cotton candy with memories of a sister and father you know you don't actually have, but, wait what? Charlie and Lucifer are actually genuinely pushing to spend more time with you? What a lovely coincidence! You wake up really depressed because your 'family' isn't with you and suddenly Charlie peeks into your room and says Lucifer made pancakes for everyone and you're invited to come and you're practically racing out of bed because, oh boy a chance to recreate Dad's pancakes in real life? And that's his exact intention. He doesn't even fucking care that a certain Louisiana gentlemen is shitting on his cooking; if cooking for the whole hotel gave him an excuse to have a "family breakfast" with you and Charlie in the real world for once, he would do it
You're sitting at the table next to Charlie, awaiting your pancakes that you know were made with love and care, and when Lucifer sets down your plate in front of you, affectionately calling you Ducky just like he's done in all your dreams, you're ready to bawl your eyes out??? You're just sitting there tearing up eating homemade pancakes while Charlie is like about to start sobbing because "family is just so beautiful, waaaaaah" and pulls you and her father into a hug
'Family' huh.... it sounds nice... you wouldn't mind having people actually caring about you and looking out for you... too bad you're underestimating how attached and protective of you they already are...
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collidescopeeyes · 3 months ago
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HCs of Aatrox as a weapon and a reader who is his user please 😭🙏
Aatrox with wielder!Reader
- Look there's gotta be a whole character arc here before he's in a state to exist around other people. He's a man trapped inside a sword trying to escape the very nature of his existence by destroying the world and by extension himself, thereby trapping himself in a nightmarish cycle of violence and pain with no respite. Like, all he's done for the last few centuries was possess some poor fool, go on an apocalyptic warpath, get killed, and be stuck back in the suffocating sensory deprivation tank of his sword form until someone new picks him up, rinse repeat.
- You find him in sword form, but much like Kayn and Rhaast he doesn't manage to overcome you–except instead of using him to murder people, you just kinda lug him around and show him all the nice things about living (cuz honestly, leaving him there would be kind of fucked up).
- Being put in forcible time out, he very reluctantly is forced to admit that maybe existence isn't all pain and okay, yeah, maybe there is inherent value in life. The hot springs are nice, he guesses. Human, bring him to the hot springs again.
- He's gonna be a huge bitch for a while let's be real, like full tilt raging complete with threats of grievous bodily harm (and he can be a real bitch when he wants to be, have you heard some of his voice lines??). At the same time, he's terrified you'll leave him so he still tries to go the ‘temptation of power, just give in’ route, and generally emphasizes how powerful he is and how useful he can be.
- Eventually you go from being you, human, to his human. He hasn't had a social interaction that did not end with someone dying in literal centuries, much less a friend. Like he still bitches but instead of threatening you, he starts threatening anything that threatens you, which he defends with the idea that he's the only one worthy of killing you. You learn not to take it personally, your giant sword with a disembodied heart set into the hilt is a tsundere, this is your life now.
- ‘ive only had this human for two months and if anything happens to them I'm killing everyone in this plane of existence and then myself’, but to be fair that last part was his plan to begin with. Anything even begins to threaten you and it's fire and brimstone from him–unfortunately, he can't exactly do much as a sword other than beg you to use him to slaughter anyone who so much as says a harsh word to you.
- The longer you wield him, the more he becomes attuned to you–which is new to him, because Darkin usually don't have a wielder without them becoming a full host for this long, and even then the wielder is usually trying to suppress them. With you, Aatrox gradually gets his senses back–unlike Naafiri and Rhaast, his sword form doesn't come with eyes, so he basically has to magically parasitize your vision and see through your eyes. Gradually this extends to other senses too–hell of a shock to him when he starts to feel your pain. Eventually, he gets his own sense of touch back, which is kinda weird since his body is a sword now, but it's still leagues better than eternal numbness. Even if he's not really sure how to process that he can feel you literally holding his disembodied heart in your hands.
- His grand plan was to accumulate the blood from every rare instance you were forced to use him to defend yourself in order to build himself a new body and then kill you with it. The plan is amended to killing you in your sleep, cuz he likes you, even if he doesn't want to admit it. It takes literally until he's standing over you that he realizes ‘I don't….actually want to do this,’ and he has zero follow up plan or capacity for self reflection so he just stands there like a weirdo. And then you wake up.
- “Are you gonna kill me?” “....no.” “Okay, cool, I'm going back to sleep.”
- You start travelling together like normal people then, except y'know, being in human form is pretty taxing so a decent chunk of the time he just...stays a sword. This is a huge gesture of trust from him, knowing that if you happen to put him down he'll be put back into a prison of his own body, but also you've kinda earned his trust in this matter since you could've left him to suffer at any point before now and didn't. He still acts like it's some sort of honor for you to be wielding him, but you've also earned his respect by this point so the ‘puny human’ talk has pretty much evaporated.
- His protectiveness gets worse once he has a body to act independently with, but not as much as you'd think–he respects your wishes and genuinely doesn't want to upset you, so he won't hurt anyone you don't want him to (...too bad)–though he will intimidate the everliving fuck out of anyone he thinks is a threat to you. He does actually still have a pretty robust sense of right and wrong–it’s just that he didn't give a fuck about it in the face of escaping the torture of his existence. Now you're that escape, and he'll defend you with the same visciousness that he killed literal gods with.
- He does not have any frame of reference for romance. He only sort of remembers being Ascended, and barely if at all being human before that–and in all that time he was a soldier through and through, devoted to his duty above all. He doesn't even know that he's caught feelings. Like he wants to be close to you all the time (and other urges he shall not be examining), but that's normal right?? You've been carrying him around for months now, surely it's because of that. He also hasn't had anyone touch him without also trying to kill him in centuries, forget that he can actually feel it now–surely that's why the slightest touch from you makes his heart skip a beat (you can literally see it, it's right there in the sword). It's normal. He's being super normal. Denial is just a river in Shurima.
- Point being, the man is oblivious, and even if he wasn't, he has no fucking idea what he's doing and he has a boatload of unresolved self-esteem issues. You're gonna have to make the first move and you're gonna have to be very forward and upfront with him. He's gonna freeze, Aatrox.exe is working overtime; internally he goes from ‘tf do you mean I have feelings’ to ‘tf do you mean I have feelings for a human’ to ‘well obviously this is my human, she's special, why wouldn't I have feelings for her’ to ‘me?? Why the fuck does she want me??’ to finally deciding that he would have to be clinically insane to turn you down (putting aside that he thinks there's a very real chance that he is in fact insane, but he's working on that).
- Not that he knows how to be in a relationship. Mutual respect and communication can go a long way to figuring stuff like this out, but it's pretty obvious he's out of his depth–he’s struggling to adjust to existing in general, and he's got centuries of trauma and a barely repressed anger management issue. It helps that he knows you're on his side (and that he's probably already made every threat under the sun when you first met), but the man doesn't exactly have a lot of practice dealing with his frustration in a healthy way. Patience is essential here–he’s trying, and he will get better with time and understanding.
- He's actually super self conscious about his body–in his eyes, it's a twisted, filthy reminder of what he used to be. Without a compatible host, Darkin bodies start to break down without fresh blood to sustain them, and he can't help but compare it to how he used to be before the Void war. His form is stable with you, but he still has a whole lot of negative associations. You've got your work cut out for you if you want to convince him he's not some sort of malformed disgusting beast–he’s very much of the opinion that you're some kind of saint for wanting him despite what he looks like.
- Despite all that, physical closeness is a big thing in his culture, plus he's touch starved and will take any opportunity to have you close. If you're not doing anything he'll literally just pick you up and deposit you on his lap so he can be close to you. If he's in sword form, he'll sulk if you put him down for even a moment. It's funny though, because as much as he passively demands attention like some sort of large spiky cat, he also gets really flustered if you're affectionate with him. He's also a huge tsundere though, so him being flustered mostly involves stammered yelling (he’s actually kind of awkward, when he's not being intimidating–re his joke lines).
- Darkin run hot as a consequence of the hemomancy their bodies are made up of–in particular, the area over his heart is very warm. He doesn't visibly blush per se, but the glow of his heart gets more radiant when he's flustered, and he gets noticably warmer. The dark plated parts of him are hard and bone-like with the slightest bit of give, whereas the red parts feel like normal skin if slightly thicker. He has a habit of only touching you with his unplated left hand–the other one has a lot of jagged edges and he worries he'll accidentally cut you (plus, the plated parts feel less). Since his form is fairly stable with you he can manifest his wings fairly consistently, but he's stuck at a (relatively) meager 9ft tall without absorbing any new bodies. His wings are more batlike than anything, and the webbing is extremely sensitive.
- In Ancient Shuriman custom, marriage is a social arrangement wherein a couple is considered married as soon as they start living together, no ceremony or paperwork required (fun fact: actual ancient egyptian custom!). Most couples have this accompanied with a legalized property agreement, but Aatrox was raised into a warrior caste that doesn't have a concept of private property, and he doesn't currently have much of a use for possessions anyway. This is all to say Aatrox considers you to be married and you have no idea until he offhandedly refers to you as his wife.
- All that being said, he still has an extreme sense of duty to his follow Darkin, being about as close to a leader as they have left after the war and their sealing. He feels an obligation to find a way to alleviate their suffering, either by finding them hosts, undoing their binding into weapons, or finding a way to kill them and have them actually stay dead. It's a grim task and it's pretty important to him to have your support in it, however you want to approach it.
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