#and i don't know how long ill be able to remain normal while thinking about cass's hands

[breadandblankets]

continuing from Jason's back crack skills I would like to offer Cass's hands, so perfectly crafted for murder, could be put to a better purpose, attacking whatever the fuck is going on in her siblings muscles

like two elbow strikes and there is suddenly 70% less tension and I'm not staring out the window dreamily with my fucked shoulder no...

bonus points if you team up duke's ability to see weak points with Cass's ability to hit them hard and fast and without mercy (a skill that yes can be used for bad guys but also... bad bones)

[getvalentined]

I've never done a full breakdown of everything that happened to my version of Vincent while he was under the knife (although there is a partial breakdown from like 12 years ago on Ask Vincent Valentine), but @spinejackel tagged my recent Vincent doodle gushing about autopsy scar (Vincent Has a Y-Incision headcanon supremacy!) so I figured it was probably a good time. This is also probably the best method, since I can apply the right tags and trigger warnings to hopefully keep it from hitting the people who would be disturbed.

For anyone who doesn't know, figuring out the fucked up physiology of victims of science is like my entire jam. I think this is what happens when you let a chronically ill child watch Akira and the original Bubblegum Crisis OVA and most of the works of Masamune Shirow. All that before FF7 even existed. This means that the explanation under the cut may seem excessive, and this post is very long. I've been building it over over a quarter century, I don't think there's any avoiding it at this point.

Warnings for body horror, nonconsensual body modification, medical horror and torture. Basically, if there's anything you can think of related to becoming a victim of science under the rule of an unethical sci-fantasy oligarchy, it's probably in here to some degree. It's explained plainly and simply, in clinical but not visceral detail.

My headcanons for what Hojo did to Vincent are pretty specific, albeit not precisely comprehensive; 27 years later I still don't really have a particularly solid concept for how he turned Vincent into a shapeshifter, although at least we know it's not something entirely specific to Vincent—Hojo repeated that facet of the experiment in Azul, but not in any other SOLDIER operative even in DeepGround, implying that it's only possible if very specific physiological conditions are met. The minimal concept I do have involves a twisted application of the concept of incarnate summoning as it appears in FFXIII-2, but it's very vague and also not the topic of this post. Maybe later.

Regarding the Y-incision/autopsy scar, my headcanon is that once Hojo tweaked Vincent into being able to regenerate from any injury—an enhancement that is confirmed to be entirely Hojo's work in Dirge—the professor of course felt it necessary to run various tests quantify the usefulness of his handiwork. He did this first by inflicting various surface injuries, then by causing more extreme bodily trauma, which eventually culminated in Hojo removing the majority of Vincent's internal organs in order to measure how long it took them to grow back and, assuming they did grow back, how the new ones compared to Vincent's original parts.

To be able to observe this as closely as possible, Hojo kept Vincent's torso open for the entire process—which he repeated twice more in order to check the weight, size and structure of the newly-grown organs in comparison to the originals. This study proved that most of them did grow back, but the majority of them stopped developing much earlier than was appropriate for Vincent's age and size. The difference was consistent, Hojo just never figured out why most of them grew back smaller and less-developed.

The reason this happened is based the fact that most of the organs in the human trunk are used in digestion and other related processes, and Vincent's regeneration means he doesn't need to eat or drink anymore. His body only expended as much energy as was completely necessary to develop those organs to the point of being functional rather than normal, because they're not really necessary. Vincent is glad he still has them, though, because he does still occasionally eat (usually in social situations) and also he'd be really sad if he couldn't even have coffee.

Vincent's brain activity remained normal during the entire process, although that may have something to do with Hojo driving a bunch of fluid lines into his head and flooding the inside of his skull with mako to keep him awake the whole time even while deprived of oxygen. (Rebirth spoilers, but seeing the bit in the Nibelheim Protorelic questline where Hojo does something super similar to this, after this has been my headcanon for decades, was a trip.)

Two organs didn't grow back at all: Vincent's appendix and one kidney. This was also the result of efficient energy expenditure, as the human appendix isn't necessary for survival, and only one kidney is really required. (Each time Hojo removed the new kidney, the one that grew back would be on the opposite side, which bothered Hojo to no end.)

His lungs grew back a little larger, possibly because his skeletal structure never quite recovered after his first transformation into Galian—his arms and legs are noticeably too long for his body, although not to the point of looking impossible, and likewise his ribcage settled to breadth that would allow for larger lungs. He doesn't really need these anymore either, related to his brain being exposed to so much mako during the process that it can now operate without oxygen if necessary, but switching himself over from aerobic to anaerobic respiration is really unpleasant and Vincent tries to avoid it when he can.

His heart was pretty normal by the time Hojo was done with him, although his heartrate had dropped to like 20bpm even when elevated. Again, if respiration isn't necessary, there's not much reason for the system to be active. (By the time Lucrecia was done this had dropped to around 5bpm on average, although it's completely arrhythmic and jumps all over the place when he's not either particularly active or on the verge of a transformation.)

This was the experiment that left Vincent susceptible to degradation, which Hojo didn't realize until after finally closing him back up. Upon realizing that Vincent's body wasn't responding properly to a different test (a repetition of an earlier experiment related to the regeneration of external tissues and features), Hojo just kinda threw him in a tube to be disposed of at a later date, kinda like that scene in Arrested Development where there's that dead dove in a bag in the fridge. The incision healed at some point during the period that Lucrecia was working on him, but early enough in her work that the tissue couldn't flawlessly regenerate (like it does in the present), leaving him with one more gnarly scar on top of all the rest.

Vincent is self-conscious about all the physiological changes brought on by what was done to him, often to the point of loathing. His left arm is the worst—it rotted off while he was in the throes of degradation and grew back as something that he hesitates to call his arm—but Vincent hates that Y-incision scar almost as much. Some days they tie.

(It has come up in appropriately horrified conversation with Shalua that, considering how his regeneration works, Vincent could probably get rid of all the scars on his chest if he somehow peeled the skin off his torso in a single swath. He will not be doing that. Besides, it might grow back the wrong color/texture/etc, like his left arm. Not worth the risk, much less the suffering.)

Also I gotta finish off this entry with the extremely stupid headcanon reveal that Vincent's (honestly fairly impressive) dick was cut off during the first round of bodily trauma regeneration tests—and Hojo has never felt the sort of rage he experienced upon discovering that it grew back bigger than before. This occurred early enough in the experiments that Vincent was not awake for it, and thus has no idea how the fuck this happened, and does not want to talk about it ever thank you very much. I've never mentioned it in public anywhere because it is extremely stupid, but I hope someone out there finds it as funny a concept as I do.

[shiraishi--kanade]

An aspect of Saki's character that interests me as a disabled person who, admittedly, only keeps up with Leo/need at a very surface level (not for the lack of interest but because if I tried to be invested in 4 more characters my head would explode): a) how did she and the rest of the girls meet b) how did they manage to keep their friendship alive considering Saki's prolonged hospital stays.

I think there's... A weird kind of isolation that being chronically ill from a young age brings into your life.

You see, I was never a popular kid in class, okay? Very obviously neurodivergent, absolutely socially clueless, and frankly a bit of a stuck-up asshole in the way straight A's kids in elementary school tend to be. Even so, I had a couple of friends. The ride or die friends for a elementary student, which usually amounted to stuff like going home together and the like.

Until the second grade, that is. Which is when I got sick for the first time, had to spend half a year in quarantine, and acquired a heart condition that would later lead to my lifelong disability.

I'm not about to say my friends abandoned me immediately when I returned to school because that would be untrue. As a child, you're really struggling with the concept of invisible disability, I think. As hard as is was for me to accept I'll just Be Like This, for my friends it was basically non-existant.

But there was a difference. One of the best runners in the entire school suddenly no longer able to run. Constantly dizzy. Constant headaches. Missing school. Having to tap out of activities early. Adults interfering with your plans and fussing more than normal. All of the things elementary aged kids took Very Seriously and I was suddenly not able to participate in most of them, while my injury remained absolutely invisible to everyone else.

I don't think they ever ditched me outright. Nobody told me they didn't want to hang out anymore. I don't think anyone does it that way; it's mostly just slow, painful realisation that people invite you out less and less, until it's not at all. Gradual isolation.

Also, even if you're feeling fine about doing stuff, there's a non-zero chance the adults around you wouldn't. I was not allowed to participate in PE anymore. I still had to be there for the headcount, though, so with that done I'd just sit there on the bench for an entire period. You know, like a loser. Which isn't a good first impression make when you join a new class.

I was, and still am, very frail. This fact was made very loud and obvious by the adults around me, to their credit, in my best interests (or so I hope). You know what happens when kids get told "hey, this thing is very frail - if you touch it they wrong way it'll break and you'll have Consequences"? They will either avoid the thing in question with all the power they have at the fear of accidentally breaking it, or smash it head on to see what happens. Neither of these were pleasant to deal with.

Which is to say: loud announcements that you're disabled whether or not you want to disclose that because the homeroom teacher decided to make you a good example during the "how to treat people different than you nicely" morning assembly is not a good friend maker either. Even well-meaning ones come with presumptions, and are very quickly to fall out once they realise you're not the timid and shy disabled kid they've been fed the idea of.

Anyway, considering the above said: my experiences make me so so very interested in how exactly Leo/need friendship happened and stayed alive for this long, through so much stuff, especially considering whatever Saki was going through was much, much worse than I.

[susagnon]

The parents of class 1-A, and their favourite kids

Parenting is hard: Trying to keep their stupid impulsive kids from getting themselves killed.

Let's be real, while I can see parents usually loving all of their children equally, most don't like their children equally.

Iida and Yaoyorozu’s mutual favourite child is without question, Asui. She’s the kid who helps out with the other children the most, courtesy of being an older sister within her own family. Iida also listens to Tsu-chan-kun, whenever she tells/signals him smt like: ~Dad, it’s okay. The others aren’t toddlers anymore, they should do/know/learn it by themselves. ~

And Yaoyorozu always worries about her, whenever the weather turns cold - the memory of Asui collapsing in that frozen room during the license exam, remains fresh in her mind.

Parenting is hard: Both are parents, who would be tearing up themselves, when they see one of their kids being in pain.

Iida has another favorite child: Tokoyami-kun.

Class Dad went from telling his goth son off for sitting on, instead of at, the latter's school desk, to being in awe of him, telling him how he's "so wise" (ty, Michael J. Tatum for the awesome line delivery).

A couple of outings with Class Dad.

Not to mention, Class Dad internally praising Fumikage for being the only one out of his boys, who has proper sleeping manners. The light novels have a few stories in which Iida and Tokoyami are hanging out, and mainly interacting with each other within smaller groups (I think Iida might have been vocal with his praise, when Tokoyami “saved” a little girl from getting lost in the amusement park).

I don’t think there are many kids in 1-A (I can only think of two. Guess who?) who wouldn’t be able to hold some kind of at least semi-enjoyable conversation with any of their classmates, at any given time. However, I wouldn’t have expected Iida and Tokoyami to spent a noticeable amount of their very limited leisure time with each other. I found that dynamic to be a sweet little surprise.

Parenting is hard: ... but Iida definitely enjoys his role to a certain extent.

Yaoyorozu also has another favourite child. Although I picture it more as a favourite younger brother: Kaminari-san.

I might expand on this some other time.

Parenting is hard: The class reps totally deserve a vacation away from their children... but then they wouldn't be able to relax, because they would be away from them.

Sometimes, at the end of a long day, choke-full of classes, hero training, and whatever trouble 1-A members have managed to get themselves into, Yaoyorozu makes a large pot of tea to bring over Iida, who has already spread out markers and sheets of paper over the large table in the dorm's common room.

Class rep positions may not mean much in a lot of places in our real-life world, but UA is not a normal environment. Since moving into the dorms, Iida and Yaoyorozu’s (admittedly, many of them self-imposed) responsibilities have only been increasing.

Thankfully, there is a lot of trust and appreciation for each other between 1-A's co-parents class reps.

Which makes it easy to sit down and work out an elaborate plan of action for illnesses in their home, together.

Because having this many kids in such close living quarters, means being guaranteed an in-house germ factory when flu season inevitably arrives.

...

Where are the class 1-A during COVID quarantine fics? Gimme pls.

[ina-nis]

I don't know if this is a symptom of AvPD but it's definitely not anything "normal" - it is a symptom of something.

I fall in love easily, over time, as I deepen my connections and feel safe with the other person, receiving the amount of attention that triggers it.

A superficial connection evolving into close relationships, then... unrequited love. It is very intense, and devastating.

Reading about "how to stop falling in love easily" or "how to not get a crush on a friend" don't really help either. Distancing myself from others and keeping relationships superficial is already something I do, for example. Or that you should rely on other friends and family - well, I will fall in love with my friends if I have not yet. If our relationship stop being superficial, it will happen 100% of the time.

Yes, even when they're partnered and married even. It doesn't matter for my feelings, all what matters is that someone is my object of love and I want them. But I can't have them so I "stop".

This is why I keep my relationships superficial and go out of my way to remain distant from partnered friends.

Unrequited love is really, really painful.

"Of course! You only think about love all the time! You need to do something else!"

Imagine my life is a puzzle.

I already have most of it complete.

There's one piece missing. I can't find it.

I could call it a day and just say "this is good enough".

But I can't. I literally can't. My brain doesn't obey me. I can't stop obsessing over it, that missing piece. I can't reframe the situation and think about all the good work I've already done because the puzzle is incomplete.

Even when I try to add other pieces that seem similar, they don't quite fit in there and that upsets me!

(Remember: this is all happening while I'm struggling with my brain to stop doing that because this is not what I want!)

Trying to not think about the missing piece makes me think about it even more.

Trying to do anything else works for as long as I'm doing things. All. The. Time. It's absolutely exhausted and the moment I stop? The missing piece! Why can't I find it?!

That missing piece is romantic love.

That missing piece is ruining everything else I have going on in my life because I can't simply ignore it, reframe it or find a substitute.

And I can't solve it either! Obviously...

Yes, this is going to keep on ruining all my relationships.

And yes, I'm positive once I find that missing piece, I'll get actually better - I cannot do that on my own, considering what I need.

I've been probably in denial for year and years about having obsessive-compulsive traits, because they don't present in the "stereotypical" forms.

It's in my mind, in my feelings.

What really aggravate things is the fact that this compulsion is not on me, towards myself or towards objects and places.

It's about other people and about my feelings toward said people.

The treatment for OCD and other Obsessive-Compulsive related disorders is medication and therapy. Medication have not helped me in any of my mental illnesses, and therapy (I can afford) is extremely limited and shallow for the type of complex problem I'm dealing with.

So no, distractions don't help for long enough. And this is not a matter of finding stopgaps and substitutes either.

I know what the problem is, I know what the solution is, I'm trying to get it but it doesn't depend on me only. It's very frustrating.

I'm happy with my life.

I finally have a self-esteem.

I can't stop my obsessive thoughts.

It's like... they exist separately from my happiness and self-esteem - understandably so! - so there's not much those 2 will be able to do to help because I can't make the missing piece issue "disappear" from my mind with a good self-esteem or happiness in other areas of life. They're completely different things.

Do you know what that space that can be filled by the missing piece represents?

Emotional loneliness.

I don't know if I'll find the missing piece. I don't know if it exists at all. I just wish I could... remove myself from it even if a tiny bit without burning out. I wish I could establish and maintain my connections and get closer, deeper, without having romantic feelings getting in the way.

I feel like I can't help it. It's not my fault.

Love (of the romantic type) is an emotion and like all of them, it has a purpose and a place.

I cannot get rid of it.

[elsiebrayisgay]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you @purlturtle for the tag; i'm honored to be thought of! The questions!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

just one right now but i think it's extremely good! i worked very hard for a long time on it. more of these queer feelings (https://archiveofourown.org/works/43759465/chapters/110039971) is a college AU of phyrexian praetors sheoldred and elesh norn! i also have a second that is very soon to be posted once beta is finished!

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

currently 25,912 and yes i do know off the top of my head :3

3. What fandoms do you write for?

i don't know if i'll write more magic: the gathering but i would like to; beyond that baldur's gate 3 has had a huge impact on me in basically every creative work i do and i keep going back to it!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

there is only just the one i've posted but i will take the opportunity to talk more about more of these queer feelings! it spawned from my girlfriend and i talking about phyrexian high school/college AUs and the fact that magic doesn't have a lot of canon disabled characters; i thought (in my opinion) sheoldred would not be able-bodied in a human au and it is essentially an exploration of two characters who are brutal and terrifying but who get to learn vulnerability if they are just normal humans on earth.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i used to let my girlfriend and co-writer do all of this to remain aloof and cool but i've decided that everyone is cringe in the end and so every commenter will receive all my undying gratitude (as long as it keeps being a reasonable number.)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i think my current WIP, which is shadowzel ballet academy AU has a lot more potential for an angsty ending; shadowheart is pretty set from the start to be on a very limited clock to keep being able to dance and probably will not have any prospects to by the time it ends but i think negotiating the gap between expectations for the future and what reality brings you still has a lot of potential for growth and learning and self-acceptance so it's probably not going to be super brutal if i'm being honest. i like to give queer girls at least happy-ish endings if i can.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

in the middle of writing more of these queer feelings i decided i wanted the very end to be sheoldred and elesh norn, now happily girlfriends, saying they love each other but specifically because i want anyone who feels they relate to either character to know that they are loved and cherished if not immediately then at least through me, through the act of love of sharing parts of myself through my writing. the ending of that fic is about solidarity and love for queer women and disabled women and ND & mentally ill women. absolutely the most earnest happy ending i've ever written.

8. Do you get hate on fic?

i never have and hopefully never will but know this: if being a shadowzel blog means i am a karheart anti, i will take up arms in defense of what i believe is good and right.

9. Do you write smut?

haven't yet, probably won't, nothing against it, just isn't for me i don't think, for a number of reasons.

10. Do you write crossovers?

i find that a lot of my inspiration to write fic is in the intersection of a piece of media and the au i want to write. i don't know if college aus count as crossovers but while i haven't written anything including many media franchises, i think there is a transformation and a fitting-together of pieces that feels very similar in my great enthusiasm for a modern/period earth AU, which has been a lot of what i've written.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no but i would be kind of honored, honestly. if what i've written is so good that someone else tries to put their name on it, i'm flattered! (uh but please don't though it's still probably bad ;-; my girlfriend said she would beat you up if you stole my writing.)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

oh lord no, but the above answer times a thousand. if someone was to go to that effort i feel like i'd need to send them a special gift basket with seasonal fruits and everything.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes! more of these queer feelings was co-written from the very beginning with my now-girlfriend, and though i think we probably would have ended up together anyway by knowing each other, i don't think the writing process did anything at all to dissuade us from our mutual romantic interest.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

before bg3 i don't know if i would have had an answer, maybe like mailee or katara/yue or something but i didn't have particular ships i was super into. that being said, shadowzel has hit me full force and even when it isn't being nominated for goty those ladies are still going to be living rent-free in my head.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

i've been messing around with some wolfic (FFXIV player character, for those unaware) that is probably either just for me or only to inform my roleplay in that game; i have a document but it's probably never getting posted anywhere. still, i think about it and add things sometimes.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think images and ideas or concepts are my strong suit. i'll have ideas for characters or a scene or a description of something, and try to develop my writing around what i feel is a strong central idea.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

actual narrative structure and more traditional prose fiction skills are not where i developed my writing skills. my english literature education focused largely on poetry, and my extracurricular writing was almost all text-RP so there's a lot of stuff i haven't practiced.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i am a mostly monolingual american and while i have retained some french from speaking it at home with family and from school, it's conversational and jokes at best. that being said if i can get a « qui me frappe avec ce poisson ? » in anywhere i will absolutely try.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i don't want to talk about the atla OCs RP beyond "those happened, and for a lot of other fandoms as well" but more of these queer feelings was the first time i gave anything a serious go with the intention to produce something good enough i'd be proud to post it.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

i'm going to copy john darnielle and say of course i'm always the most invested in the new thing when i have something new i'm working on, so most of the thoughts i'm having are about hoping other people like shadowzel ballet AU because i'm proud of it, but queer feelings will always have a place in my heart. maybe it's trite but i think i've done a good job with the writing i've put serious effort into; i hope any readers think the same.

[baby-itsa-wild-world]

A few days ago my mom went into hospice. She has been sick for over 2 years and after a recent hospitalization she made the choice to be at home and in comfort care.

This is an absolutely earth shattering and devastating time in my family's life and somehow I'm finding myself to be functioning better than I thought I would.

I don't know this version of myself. I don't know if I'm in shock, if my fight or flight has kicked in, or I'm just forcing myself to be strong.

I always told myself that if my mom died in my lifetime, then I'd be good as dead too. There's no way I would want to face this world without my best friend. I would literally pray for God to take me first so I never had to know that pain.

Yet I find myself still able to get out of bed (most days). I find myself going to work and trying to keep things as normal as I can, all things considering.

That's not to say that I don't have days where it feels like the walls are caving in, or that my chest is being crushed by a ton of bricks, but that's something I've been dealing with for a while as her illness has progressed.

Some days all I can do is cry, but I know that I have to go on, even if I don't want to. Even if it feels like I can't.

My mom has been the glue to my family as long as I've been alive, and I have to try to keep it together to the best of my ability when she's no longer here.

I think the best way to honor my mom in her remaining time on earth and afterwards is to stay strong because that's how she raised me. I think her strength is the last gift she will give to me.

Yet I know that for the rest of my life my soul will forever search for hers in every person I meet. I know that I will wait patiently until it's my time to spend eternity with her in the sky.

If I have children I will tell them all of the stories about her that shaped me into who I am. And though I am devastated that she will never know them I know that she will forever be protecting them, and me, for the rest of my life.

The hospice coordinator gave us a book called Gone From My Sight. It's based on an old funeral sermon where 2 sailors are observing a ship getting smaller and smaller as it floats into the horizon, until it is a tiny white dot on the landscape, and then it disappears. One sailor says, "She's gone!" And the other replies "She's not really gone, she's just gone from my sight. She is still as big and beautiful as ever, we just can't see her anymore."

I like to think of my mom as not really gone even when she is gone from my sight. Just because I won't see her I know she will be in Heaven cheering us all on as long as we live. And I believe I will feel whole once again when I meet her at that horizon. The waters may be choppy and the clouds may hang overhead, but I know she will be out there somewhere waiting for me when it's my time. And until then, I will sail.

[callmedems]

𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚑 𝚜𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚕

I remember envying, horrifyingly so, my younger sister back in my first year of High School. She was finishing Elementary School, enjoying the last moments of her childhood, and giggling while her homework remained unattended.

My parents shrugged their shoulders at that. So different from the way their postures would stiffen the moment they realized one assignment of mine was not submitted.

I was a child of tens —or As, if you are from the US—, as they would say. They did not care about the hundreds of assignments I did and aced; they cared about that one assignment I missed out of the other hundred. They used to be like that, they used to tell me "You can do better" no matter how amazing my academic performance was.

My absurd pride that seeks academic validation, bleeds hurt at the fact that they do not tell me that anymore. This ridiculous paranoia inside me asks, in such an insecure tone, "Did we fall that low that they do not consider us able to do better anymore?"

And although I know that reality is not like that anymore—I think I will never overcome this bizarre obsession for perfection.

Back then, I was ill—sick with the world and myself, too bitter to feel healthy. Nowadays I'm looking forward to healing, but it is hard when I am terrified of saying I am not ok aloud.

High School, for me, started in the middle of quarantine. I do not remember much, but I do remember the bizarre emotional numbness isolation provoked inside of me. Although first year happened just two years ago, my memories of that time are fading alarmingly easy. But it is no surprise.

It seems like my mind never cherished such moments. Even now, it does not even hurt to think that, perhaps, I did not appreciate enough my High School experience, because anyway, that year was robbed from me. The pandemic seemed fine at the beginning, but then, it metaphorically killed me.

During online classes, via Zoom, I would interact normally with classmates I had never seen in person. Unlike many people, I did not develop symptoms of terrific social anxiety during quarantine—but I became numb, and I don't think you understand how scary such thing is. Seeing my classmates through a screen made me feel nothing, and the rest of my online classes continued like that: with me acting like a sick puppet whose coping mechanism was to isolate even more inside her bed and books.

I do not remember much. I did not care for a year that was robbed from me by a damn virus.

I thought quarantine meant rest. But it broke me.

My academic performance also became broken, just like me. And suddenly, I did not want to live anymore—and it feels too dramatic to describe myself as that, but my heart bleeds nonstop whenever I think of a version of myself that is void.

Still to this day I fear numbness.

Whenever someone asks me if I would prefer to feel pain forever rather than nothing, I answer without hesitation.

I prefer to feel anything, no matter what. Than to become a numb doll.

But.

I am better now—quarantine is long gone. I am trying to do better, and that is enough for my sore little me.

[silentmassacres]

fri, nov 15

care, perversion, and rot

i just typed out an entire post and it decided to delete itself while uploading, lovely. this only adds to me being overwhelmed and, quite frankly, i do not have the time to re-type it, but here we are. incredibly upset because i cannot regulate myself this week. i'm upset because i now sound ingenuine as these are not the words i'd originally used, but instead a poor imitation. i hate this app sometimes.

of course, the moment i go to finish this post, the original posts. i'm posting this one too. it's the same thoughts, just different words. maybe it's important.

—

i've tried for a long time to remain independent, but unfortunately i can't help yearning for the ability to not do so. i'm sitting naked on the bathroom floor, knowing i need to change, yet struggling to. i know it'd be easier if i had someone here to help or, at the very least, encourage me. it makes me feel needy to require help, despite the very present reality of being disabled and very mentally ill in a way that makes me need it sometimes. every now and again, i'm able to surpass that anxiety, but it always comes back in the end.

i'll entertain and comfort myself with ideas of being taken care of, knowing i'd ruin it for myself.

—

and so, with that, i remain on the floor. i have this habit of contorting my body in odd ways — it makes me feel like art. my discomfort with my body makes this feel like a safer option. at the end of the day, it really is dissociation — my preference of viewing my body as an art form rather than the mass of flesh it is.

it makes me feel beautiful sometimes. maybe not in a way that i feel, but in a way in which i know somebody would regard me as beautiful. i wish there was somebody there to capture my image, or at least bear witness. but there isn't, so i remain on the floor, once again. i'll let the camera timer on my phone watch my contort my body just to feel like something.

—

as of late, i've found myself looking at a lot of figure studies of women's bodies. a lot of them look like me, so it's comforting in it's own way. it brings me some sort of comfort to view my form as something artistic, even if that means dehumanizing myself in the process.

i hold a lot of shame about it, secretly. i worry that i'll be made out as this predatory pervert, because it seems oddly easy for people to do that to me. i don't... fully understand why, given my repeated victimhood, but i guess it's just another thing my lack of a memory has taken from me.

i try not to think about it too much. the level of guilt it fills me with makes me nauseous and beyond self loathing

—

i wish i could say it started in middle school. people started saying it in middle school, because it's easy to accuse the queer freak of staring at the asses of their classmates (i still feel disgusted with myself for even accidentally looking in that direction).

i almost mentioned ricky before. i spent a lot of time with misplaced malice towards him. i realize now that he's not the one who hurt me, and it predates him. we were the same, really. i'd almost wonder why he did the things he did, but i don't even know what the case was for me. maybe none of it was real, and i was just born like this — somehow, fundamentally messed up.

i'd say i wish i could remember, but i can never tell which option is worse.

i know now that he didn't hurt me; not in that way, at least. i have to wonder why we hurt each other in the way we did. maybe it was all in good fun, maybe i got some sort of sick satisfaction from it. the thought makes me feel disgusted with myself, even if i know it was the same for him.

it's scary to think about, that young. i have to think about how normal it was and how i didn't see an issue. i know it was noticed, but i can't ever recall if anything was done about it. everybody was so hung up on my social issues that everything else went neglected. my mom knew, or at least noticed. i remember that much.

—

i'm half-convinced my body may just give out on me. i've been in a lot more pain lately. maybe it's not that bad, i can never tell. i'm always in pain, but it's shifted from a dull ache to something sharper. i'm sure it's nothing serious, i just wish i could feel that level of confidence regarding the random red dot that appeared on my chest. i really do hope it's nothing.

i'm beyond exhaustion, and my lack of sleep doesn't help. i feel like i'm dead or dying sometimes. the pain doesn't help, because it almost solidifies the feeling that i'm rotting internally. my head feels fuzzy but i have an assignment due in a few hours. i wish i could sleep for a few days straight with no responsibilities.

—

my leg looks better. i guess it wasn't awful in the first place. it was, sort of, but it was just the one alone. it scared me a lot when it first happened, yet i continue to get urges. i'm worried that they're going to worsen, that there's going to be a new standard. i don't want to. i don't want to hurt myself, not that badly. it scares me a lot.

i don't think i should be discussing this. i don't think anybody will see this (and if they do, it's my own damn fault), and i feel the need to say something. if i do discuss it with anyone, i'd want to talk about it with him, because i know he'd understand and he'd be caring and he wouldn't chastise me for it. maybe that's. rude to others, for me to say that. i know he worries, but i don't feel as though i overwhelm him with those feelings. and i know he'd get it.

i don't think i will say anything. i'd like to keep this to myself. i'm just primarily concerned with my habits worsening

[ofmoonlitmagic]

Where’d you go, baby? The question struck something deep in his bones, and he desperately wanted to avoid it, not answer it, but that was never an option. Not with his beloved wife. They shared everything. "I was just...remembering," he murmured, clinging onto her form as he took comfort in her fingers laced through his hair. "It doesn't usually come back to me like that, but I--I dunno, it just did." He took a breath, as deep as he could though it shook. None of this would ever be her fault, that blame belonged to the OEA, and he knew if she could have stayed, she would have. "It was more of that night I've gotten back in a long time. I don't want to live there, though, I don't want to look for the next thing that can take you from me. That's not--we got something back that people don't get back. I'm sorry, I know you can feel when I get tense, how I feel it. How I always feel it. But I'm going to be okay." Leaning down to press his forehead to hers, he murmured, "I got to marry you, didn't I? We got lots of lifetime left again."

To walk a world without her, it felt like a unique experience. He wondered if everyone felt that way: like they were the only person who'd ever lost a piece of themselves, like they wanted to scream 'but you don't understand, she was mine!' My person, my love, my life. After that, he could push forward through anything. How he made it two years was still something of a mystery, but he did. He didn't have to anymore, though, he had to remember that as much as anything. Each time fear would rise up, she would meet his gaze, bring her hands to his jaw or the nape of his neck, and it would all settle again. Every moment with her healed him a little more.

"I think you might get luckier before the night's over," he joked, as the moment proved the very same point. Every little touch, every laugh, every soft word, they brought him a little closer to whole again. "You remind me of that pretty often, must be true." He fought for the light tone, while the genuineness of it lingered within each syllable. "You're my best thing."

As he swept her off her feet, laughter returned readily to them, and for that beautiful moment, they were the most normal newlyweds that could be--his speed notwithstanding. The rest of their lives could be filled with this joy, and it would be. He'd give her some every single day. That was his vow as her husband.

Easily guided between her legs, he remained as long as possible in the light-hearted nature of the conversation, but they couldn't dance around this forever. "I don't like you seeing the look," he muttered, fighting the urge to take the question back. As if he even could. "And you're not--I'm just worried, you've not done anything wrong."

He didn't want to know, and she didn't want to say. But they had to, he had to ask the questions. There was so much about his wife's powers he didn't know, and he wanted to be able to share in that with her, whatever she was willing to share. They were one. As she mentioned the gala, he nodded, remembering back to seeing her. There was more blood than from her ears and a look on her face. One he didn't intend to revisit. Listening to the explanation, he asked softly in order to try to understand, "so you gave her one of your visions, in a way?" She was as strong as it gets, and he knew there was probably more power there than even she had tapped into and how scary that could be, especially to share it aloud. He didn't take a second of this for granted. "I do know what this is, something similar happens to witches if we overexert ourselves. You can't go 0 to 100. We need to find a way to train the power. I bet Mom has some texts on banshees, we can study up on it. Together."

He couldn't be sure she hadn't learned this in the years between, but in his gut, he knew the OEA had forced it out of her. Experimented on her like a lab animal until she was pretty much killed by her own power, it made him feel ill, skin crawling with an renewed hatred for that damned organization. He could still remember how vacant her eyes had look, even as they filled with love upon seeing him, and he swore, she would never go back there. "What was the brother's name? We can maybe find her through him." As he continued to gently dab at the blood, he met her gaze and swore, "I'm never going to let them take you again. What they've done, what they did to you, they're going to pay for it." That wasn't what she needed tonight, some righteous anger from a wound-up hybrid, so he exhaled it forcefully and found a sense of calm. "Does it bring it back? When you use your powers?"

Billie's brow furrowed through her concern and she lifted her hand to rest at the nape of his neck, embedding her fingers into his hair as his gaze returned to hers. A terrified part of her didn’t dare ask, but there was a stronger, more willing part that had to “where’d you go, baby?” although she feared that she already knew. Knowing that she couldn’t spare him from this was tormenting in its own right and it hurt, causing an ache from deep within that she couldn’t rid herself of. Her chest tightened as he winced and the sound of his voice caused for her eyes to sting as she answered him, “I won’t – I won’t. I promise” and her hand reached for his again, interlocking their fingers as she stated firmly “i’ll be okay. We've got a whole lifetime together."

All she could do within moments like these was prove that she was there – to stay close and to comfort him however she could. They had always used physical touch as a way of exhibiting their affection, but now it seemed more important than ever. Billie began to relax as his breaths became steadier and his focus returned to her, the rest of the world simply fading away for now. Lifting herself up onto her tiptoes, she leaned her forehead into his, a smile gracing her lips as she hummed, “me too” never having felt safer than she did as he enclosed his arms around her. 

For her, death had been easy. She had found the person that she loved most in this world and he held her, he comforted her, and caressed her cheeks and her hair and told her that she would be okay – and in the end of it all, she was. Her eyes had closed and for her, she had simply drifted off to asleep and as far as she could recall, in those two years since her death – she had been content and safe, resting, until he had called for her again. Their experiences of her death couldn’t have been further apart. Whilst she had found peace, his had been taken. She could see that in his eyes, in the way that they never left her, through fear that if they did – she might just disappear in front of him. For that, she didn’t know how to reassure him. To heal him. 

There was no greater gift than to be seen by him, to be truly seen and loved for everything that she was. “I guess that makes me the luckiest woman alive” she mused, her words communicating sincerity with each offering. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me – don’t ever forget that. I’m in awe of you, of everything that you are.” 

Billie’s fingers rose to rest against his jaw, each brush of her fingertips delicate as she leaned further into the kiss, humming softly and becoming lost within it. Her body was as ever – response to his, each movement accommodating one another, before their embrace came to its end. His wave and the cheeky smile that she adored so much coaxed laughter from her lips, “it’s true, we did” she chimed, peeking over at the family and offering a little two finger salute of her own before wrapping her arms around his neck as he swept her into his arms. 

As Briggs returned to the bathroom, Billie shuffled back atop of the counter, making space for him to stand between her legs as she gently tugged on the material of his shirt to guide him closer. A fleeting smile then played upon the corners of her lips given his quip and she mustered every ounce of strength to tease “noted”, but even she couldn’t keep hold of the light-hearted tone; now painfully aware of the shift in atmosphere. “I don’t like being the cause of that look” she breathed, feeling tension surge through her frame as he asked the question she had since anticipated.

Her lips parted to speak, but she wasn’t sure how to give him an answer that would satisfy, she wanted to lead with whatever reassurance she could, but whether it was sometimes or all of the time – nothing would reassure. Eventually, she found the words. “It happened at the gala and – with that hunter too.” Releasing a shaky breath she began to elaborate “it was different from what happened tonight, though. It was like she was terrified, or – grieving, I guess. I made her see something. A relative, her brother maybe? She kept calling out his name and I think I made her believe that he was – dead.“ A sharp breath urged from her lungs, remembering the look on Laine’s face as clearly as if she was standing ahead of her now “I made her see it or live it. Whatever I did it happened then too. It doesn't hurt or anything, it just -- happens."

[my2phetaliaheadcanons]

Hey hey heeey~ I just thought of something. What if from the order where the female reader country was forced to get married (That one from Germany and Russia) her boss tells them after a year of the marriage that they want her to get divorced and marry another country for convenience? Saying something like:

"Oh well, since we are better off there is no need for you to stay married to that country, rather I will engage you to another one from which we will get more benefit. Think about your people first and then how you feel, I don't care if you are both in love, you are someone very nice and outgoing lady, I'm sure any other better country will want to marry you."

Do you think it could be with the characters England, America, Russia, Germany, Canada and Sweden. All separately with 2p version and Yandere 2p? If you want to do it either way that's fine! Thank you very much

I only did four out of the six characters. This is because of my character limit is four, unless you ask for a specific group. You are more than welcome to request part two for the ones I didn’t do, or even a part one for the ones I did this time. A yandere version could also be written. Thank you again for the request, I hope you have a good day!

Russia – When his little wife comes to him with this appalling news Viktor will not be pleased. He had publicly declared that he loved you, and you had done the same. Viktor had also gone above and beyond in his duties as a husband. His love for you had led to amazingly beneficial for your people, and yet your boss wanted to end that.

Viktor, on the other hand, does understand that your boss wants what’s best for your people, but he doesn’t care. As long as you are healthy and he can help you, then there is no need for another. Viktor also carries the belief that divorce is only needed for extreme situations, and that other problems can and should be worked out.

In addition, if you are willing, Viktor is willing to raise hell to protect your marriage. He starts simply enough, pressuring your boss with his presence and offering details about why the two of you should remain united. Treaties and trade are the biggest pushes Viktor gives, but as time goes on, they become what Viktor uses against your boss. Many nations would avoid trading because of Viktor’s words, while enemies would start to rise from almost nowhere.

In the end, your boss will give in. Viktor is a big nation with lots to offer, he is correct in that he can not only provide for you but your people as well. So, why not keep letting him do so.

Sweden – Bernard only looks like he takes the news well. Though his hustru knows better, they can see the tightness in his smile. He is not pleased. Even if you thought had a fleeting feeling of just giving in to your boss, Bernard is there to remind you why it is important to fight for your marriage.

Being silver-tongued, Bernard has the benefit of easing his hustru while also convincing your boss to drop this evil idea. It may take some work, but Bernard is not easily dissuaded. He will spend hours with your boss, learning all he can while still dropping hints about how there is no benefit to taking you from him.

If it doesn’t work, then your boss gets annoyed. He won’t outright yell because Bernard has been nothing but diplomatic to him. Your boss may not even be able to deny the good points, but your boss refuses to give in. Especially since other bosses have sent in letters about marrying you to their nations. This is Bernard’s tipping point.

From this Bernard will resort to his final trick, disappearing. He has done with all kinds of people for all kinds of reasons throughout the centuries. Even though his own bosses have found some hiding places, they haven’t found them all. So, Bernard, will bring you both to the oldest one and hunker down until this is all done away with.

Since both of you are important, I can see this working. After like three months, your boss will give in and your marriage will be stronger than ever.

England – At the news Oliver is going to be shocked. He knew that bosses could be stupid, but he never knew that one would be so stupid as to cross him. His shock turns into giggles as he walks over to you and gives a quick kiss. Smoothing your hair, Oliver lets you know not to worry.

Oliver is the king of getting his way. He comes on strong because he wants to make sure that your boss knows why this should not go through. Firstly, Oliver is gonna send a box of cupcakes and a letter. The cupcakes won’t kill, but your boss is gonna feel all kinds of sick. Think the cupcakes Todd Packer gives out in the Office. The letter will be simply written, but still carry the deadly intent. It contains details about what should happen if your boss would continue to attempt to destroy his marriage.

You won’t be able to warn your boss about any of this, because you’ll be with Oliver, enjoying a wonderful date. He also won’t tell you that this is his plan. The only clue you get that anything happened is a phone call.

The call pretty much your boss apologizing for attempting to hurt you and saying have a good night with Oliver. After you two celebrate, Oliver will call your boss. He tells your boss a simple thank you, before walking over to cuddle with you.

Germany – This lazy guard dog gets aggressive once in a while, and this is that moment. He is your husband; he has given himself to you and only you. If you can’t stop your boss, he will. The thought alone of you being taken, causes his angry burns so intensely that he starts to turn red. His breathing gets ragged, and Luther grabs the nearest phone.

With the phone in hand, Luther dials your boss. In those tense few seconds of silence, attempts at calming him down only lead to him pulling you to him. There he just pets your head, until your boss answers. Not even a syllable is spoken before the grilling starts.

Words of anger, betrayal, and threats fly from the mouths of both parties. It takes about five minutes before the phone is angrily thrown down. Pulling you even closer, Luther promises that he will fix this and ensure that you two will remain as one.

Luther’s next choice of action is to use his resources. First, he will go to his boss. Offer deals in ways that could help you two remain together. If they work great, Luther will return to his laid-back self, if not then it's gonna get scary.

Luther calls on favors that he’s been owed. It adds up to quite a bit and tell them all to either drop their courtship or face his fists. This works for many nations, there are many recalls and a huge drop of interest in you. Those that still persist, Luther calls in the rest of the Axis for help. He will do the beat down, but the rest of them help keep away the allies of the offender.

In the end, you two win. Mainly because everyone realizes Luther loves you enough to give up his lazy lifestyle, and this leads to no one wanting to court you. Luther’s aggressive state will calm with the news, and he will go back to being a lazy guard dog. Always close, giving you affection and you two will celebrate like true husband and wife.

Yandere Version: So, the yandere version of this story would have ended differently. There would have been more stalking, and preparations made by the nations to ensure that their sweet little ray of light remains theirs. Also, in my opinion, yandere is a horror trope and as such having them as her husband would be horrific. Unless Stockholm syndrome takes hold, it's only gonna be bliss for one party.

Russia – As a yandere who had his родная within his arms, Viktor is willing to go to war to ensures that she stays there.

It will start simply enough, like his normal self, Viktor will mention lists of why they should remain together. Similar things as before, but his patience is much shorter than before. As in, the second it is confirmed he has a rival, hell will be raised.

Yandere Viktor does it very simply. Starve your country out. It starts with blockades, the intimidating huge Russian warships start to affect trade. Then it escalates to raiding incoming ships and shooting down planes. It is nothing pretty, and your country will struggle to fight back against this world power.

As your citizens suffer, you will start to feel ill. Viktor’s hurt by your pain; he doesn’t show it though. Instead, he holds you close, doing his best to comfort you. Running his fingers through your hair, asking what you need, administering medicine, and more. Though, there would be times when you are alone because of Viktor having to lead the charge against your people. After all, he was the one that wanted it.

In the end, your country is on the verge of collapse. So, they give into the Russian Government, maybe even suggest a merger. Viktor is pleased that you won’t be taken from him and didn’t even have to resort to full-out war. Viktor is saddened at your ill state, but he promises to help you rebuild, after all his influences will help make it all better.

Sweden – Bernard is quick to act the second he realizes that your marriage is under threat. He has a horribly awful plan.

First and foremost, you are hidden away. Just like normal Bernard, he will use one of his oldest and best-hidden hiding places. For anyone that is curious, his best hiding spot is like a big hobbit hole. Deep in the ground, warm and cozy. That little piece of nerdiness is where you will stay. It’s nice until you realize that only Bernard knows where the door is.

Well, Bernard then goes on the offensive. Taking care of any challenges that threaten his spot as your husband. Eventually, that’s not enough, so Bernard decides to target the source of his marital distress, your boss. With the begrudging help of his brothers, they take your capital. This is where you start to feel ill. For as your capital burns, so do you.

Once your boss is cornered, a simple secret declaration is signed. It is a law that decrees that you shall never be taken from Bernard. As nations, no regular citizens shall be alerted to this new law and it leaves you tied to him. After all, it is said until death do you part.

England – Oliver acts very similarly to his yandere self. Though he is much more direct as a yandere.

Yandere Oliver walks into your boss’ office the moment he hears about this foolish plan. His sources, the flying bunnies, would ensure that he hears this plan before you even have a chance to. At this point in your marriage you have finally calmed down, started to accept your place by his side, and he will not risk having you riled up again.

His smile will be like an angered Cheshire cat, wide and tight. No one will want to interact with him and those that watch him pass will pray for his victim. Once he corners your boss and making sure that no one will interfere, Oliver wastes no time drawing his knife.

He is clear with his threat. Let him and his dearie stay together or face a deadly curse. One that would affect all the choices he makes, and yet somehow not harm you in the slightest. Even if your boss gave in to Oliver would make sure scandals would abound, and hopefully, this would push him to either resigning or causing trouble. If your boss causes more trouble then he would have no choice, but to act on your behalf, and kill him.

In the end, Oliver got his wish. You two are still together, and the troublemaker is gone.

Germany – As a yandere, Luther will appear calm at first. It will feel like a trick being played by his kitten. Another attempt at getting away, that is until his own boss calls him.

After that phone call, Luther is quick to start fighting against the order. He starts by asking if you know of anything that could be used against your boss. Scandals, blackmail, family, or even secret pleasures that he could use to his advantage. If you don't give it willingly, then he's gonna force it out of you. Whatever you name, Luther is gonna use.

From there it is simple Luther has his own government back him with whatever info you had forced out of you. It makes for an interesting engagement with your boss. He isn’t happy with what happens, but he is willing to work with the German government.

At first, your boss may just extend the time you two are married. Maybe it’s another year or only a few months, but Luther will take it. This gives him more time to figure out something more damaging.

That more damaging thing is killing off your boss. Luther reasons that if he kills off your boss, the next one will keep you together. Luther will do it up close and personal, using his brass knuckles and then his firearm to finish the job. Sure, your nation will be in flames, but his government can clean up the pieces.

From there it's simple, he helped you in a crisis, and now your marriage is secure.

[suganovakawa]

𝐒𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐄 .

PAIRINGS : tooru oikawa x fem! reader , slight hajime iwaizumi x fem! reader

GENRE : angst , romance

WARNINGS : cursing , car accident , recovery from amnesia

SYNOPSIS : tooru doesn’t understand how special you are to him until he comes close to losing you forever . as he struggles to comes to grips with his feelings and balance it with his future , you still have to recover from your own injuries , but without your memories to assist you .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐗𝐈𝐕 < [ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐗𝐕 ] > 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐗𝐕𝐈

now, this is tooru’s business.

word count : 1.3k

saudade masterlist .

SAUDADE

( 𝐧 . ) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant , or that has been loved and then lost ; “ the love that remains ”

⠀the last people tooru expected to ever hear from again, besides you, were any of his third year teammates. maybe his underclassmen had it in them to forgive him eventually, but not issei and takahiro. they had all the right reason to not forgive him for his actions. they, just like hajime, had doted on you quite often during the season. while they weren't obsessive over it, they both visibly appreciated your presence.

⠀way more than he did at the time, anyway.

⠀he was almost scared as the two of them approached him during lunch. oikawa stopped showing up to the cafeteria and began enjoying his lunches in silence at the library, as many social outcasts choose to do. he didn't think that their motive for going to the library was to see him of all people, but his mind began to race as they began walking towards him at a surprisingly quick pace - their faces were anything but pleasant.

⠀"makki? mattsun?" tooru's body initiated his fight or flight instincts as both of them stood at his sides, making it impossible for him to just stand up and leave. "what are you doing here? i didn't do anything, did i?" he really hoped he didn't make another mistake. the last thing he wanted was to be remembered for nothing more than his shortcomings as a boyfriend.

⠀"no, not this time." mattsun replied in a hushed whisper, shaking his head. "but there's something going on that no one on the team likes. we don't know if you already know or not, but given your past with y/n, we figured you'd be interested."

⠀he hesitated at the mention of your name. of course he was interested in anything that had to do with you. what could possibly be going on with you that would be so important for him of all people to know about? the other two third years were uncharacteristically serious for their usual joking demeanors, but he was too nervous to say anything more.

⠀oikawa was additionally surprised to watch both them take a seat on both sides of him, leaning in closer to ensure only he was able to hear what they were saying. tooru leaned back slightly, his stomach running in circles with the suspicious activity going on. were they going to prank him? go through all this just to call him a loser? if so, he didn't want to be part of it. he had already messed up with you again, that was all the confirmation he needed that he was just a downright idiot. damn him and his stupid bad habits. if only he knew how to control his temper, this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

⠀"do you want the news just thrown in your face, or do you want us to discreetly tell you?" makki crossed his arms and leaned over the table, throwing the seijoh captain out of his deep thought. "doesn't really matter, bad news is bad news. we're probably going to ruin your day with this."

⠀really, what could be worse than this? "just tell me," was all he could muster.

⠀"iwaizumi and y/n are dating."

⠀what?

⠀tooru almost fell out of his seat as the blood rushed throughout his body like a tidal wave, both anger and astonishment crashing together furiously. he almost screamed but bit down on his tongue due to their current location. both makki and mattsun noticed the sudden shift in oikawa's behavior, and nodded their heads as if to agree with his reaction.

⠀"yahaba told me today. kindaichi apparently made small talk with iwaizumi, where the big news was revealed." mattsun continued without letting either brunet peer reply, "and frankly, it's very strange. all of it. but i'm pretty sure the only ones who have been suspicious of the relationship are us."

⠀oikawa was livid. whatever control he had over his temper, had been thrown long gone by now. his face glowed with an underlying red hue, his hands clenched into white-knuckled fists as he rest them on the table. he wasn't mad at you - he was mad at iwaizumi. hajime. he did something to manipulate you into a relationship. he did something to you to result in this outcome.

⠀and this was all oikawa’s fault.

⠀"this is bullshit," he seethed, shaking his head in an incredulous matter. "there's no way this was mutual. it can't be." curiously, he turned to the other two with furrowed eyebrows, his eyes narrowed in their direction. "why aren't you happy about their relationship? isn't this what all of you wanted ever since i..." hurt her? his voice got caught in his throat before he could finish.

⠀"don't get us wrong. you're still a complete asshole for how you treated y/n in the past. nothing will change that." it was like a hammer hit straight into oikawa's chest. "however... it's more complicated with iwaizumi. more complicated than what we would like it to be."

⠀realistically, it shouldn't be complicated at all. oikawa knew that. he was never the nicest to you, but he truly had no ill intentions when it came to your well being. now that he was stripped of whatever pride and dignity he had during the volleyball season, he realized that even though he had no ill intention, it still hurt you. that's what hurt tooru the most.

⠀"...complicated?"

⠀"i'm sure you've heard that iwaizumi has refused to tell y/n of her... past. and she doesn't remember anything either, which works to his advantage." makki began listing down points with his finger. "she asked us, she asked the team, she's asked iwaizumi way more times that i can count with both hands and toes. hell, i'm pretty sure she's asked you, too."

⠀you have, but tooru had his own reasons for hesitating.

⠀"she's been pretty stubborn about what she wants, and actually pretty pissed that no one refuses to tell her anything. then all of a sudden she comes back to seijoh with iwaizumi after a normal weekend, hand-in-hand and happy as can be." makki shook his head at the thought of it. "something doesn't add up. maybe it's not our business to butt in, but that's what's been going on."

⠀"what do you want me to do about it?" the lonely third year leaned back against his seat once more, more frustrated than anything. "i thought all of you didn't want me near y/n anymore. now you're telling me this, and for what?"

⠀"truth be told oikawa, this was just an impulse decision on both our parts." mattsun sighed and stood up, stretching his legs a bit. makki followed suit. "even though it's suspicious, it's really not our business. everyone else seems to be content with it, especially with what y/n's been going through. it's almost meant to be at this point."

⠀ouch, another strike to the heart. "but," the rose-haired peer interjected, "even though it's not our business, it most certainly is yours, isn't it? after all, you still haven't been able to officially break up with her yet, huh? and don't you have bad blood with iwaizumi now?" he shoved his hands in his pockets, tilting his head to the side.

⠀just how much did these two know? "no," oikawa mumbled quietly, "i haven't been able to."

⠀"anyways, the bell's gonna ring soon. you're in the loophole now, so you decide what to do with the information." mattsun walked up to tooru and grabbed him by the blazer, pulling the captain up to his feet before whispering quietly, "and if you have any sense of redemption left in you, it would probably be in your best interest to see what the hell is going on with hajime iwaizumi. maybe you'll get a sense of closure in the process."

⠀tooru could only nod in retaliation to this sudden confrontation, and mattsun gently let go of his blazer before giving him a quick nod. as quickly as the two of them arrived, they had already disappeared into the hallways by the time the bell rang.

⠀the frustration followed him like a raincloud for the rest of the day.

⠀y/n, what has hajime iwaizumi done to you?

a/n : i got nothin’ to say for ya today, so enjoy!

taglist ( closed ) — @ot127 @rena0921 @karlitabi-rrito @psychicpercyjacksonfan @crescentbitch @amelimiles @damnirina @pasta-warlord @blossomingbangtan @clinomanians @i-am-kinda-in-alot-of-fandoms @manq-fandoms @cirtruss @sugar-wara @haikoo @anime-simp @kairostatue @awkwardspontaneity @iwantapoptartqwq @aquariarose @softestdreamer @plantisnotplant @avylee @froppysgirl @that-animebitch @wisepandaslimeland @samanthaa-leanne @dumplingzumispam @0hakaashi @captain-janeway @afterglowkuroo @bellabelieveme @attixca @chickenrest @tycrackculture @ynjimenez @karaseijoh @lavieenblancetnoir @dabilove27 @cuddlesslut @crypto-s @keigosbitch @readeretal @shittykawaa @donghyuckster @adriloen @ella-solei @emiyummy @kukiisan @catyuyuyuu @sillykittt @dolan-mendes @kiritokunuwu @the-third-wall @yammers @todohawki

+ continued in the comments!

[maplecornia]

chapter 26

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 1.85K

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔞/𝔫: i don't think i'll ever get over how hot Namjoon is ;-;

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language

tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear |@mangminnie | @pixiekooo

You groan as you lean against the pillar near the entrance to the BigHit building.

Last night, when Taehyung walked you back to your apartment, you didn't sleep very well. Turning to glare at your rather disheveled reflection in the mirror, you let out another groan.

Why did he have to show up? You were perfectly fine, things were perfectly normal, and then he had to screw up your heart all over again. Letting out a small scream, you throw a 3-second fit before leaning your back against the clear glass wall.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to go in.

Why can't it be later?

Letting out a guttural growl, you pull yourself off of the glass and head inside the building, stomping like a little two-year-old. You really don't want to see him today, you're afraid of what will happen if you do.

You don't want to fall.

Please God, don't let me fall.

Entering the building, you feel a bit more comfortable, not so out of place. Now, you have a purpose, a plan; a reason for being here. Smiling softly to yourself, you walk forward, this time nothing in your way. As you reach the receptionist's desk, you smile as you recognize Jojo behind it.

Playing coy, you knock twice on the desk before glancing away and holding your head in your hands. She glances up, ready to greet the newcomer but as soon as she sees your face, she breaks into a grin.

"Ah~ it's the snoozer, early today I see." You frown at the nickname but when she smirks your way, you can't help but grin like a giddy child. It feels good to have friends or at least the beginning relationships of one.

"I told you, the time was wrong." You pout, flopping on the desk and she laughs before preparing the schedule you need for Namjoon today.

"Mmhmm, and what happened yesterday? Was Mr. Kim too tired of waiting and told you to stay at home?" The mention of yesterday causes your grin to fade a little. With it comes the memory of Taehyung, and he starts to reenter your mind. Pulling yourself off the desk, you smile weakly, shaking your head.

"No, I had an injury, Namjoon wouldn't let me come in." She blinks a bit in surprise at the informal way you address him.

"'Namjoon?' Huh, I didn't think the two of you were that close. You only met once after all." She mumbles before typing something into her computer. Realizing your mistake you let out a small gasp.

"Oh, I'm sorry. He told me to call him without honorifics, I suppose it slipped my mind." You look away from her, a bit embarrassed, but as soon as she presses the print button, she chuckles.

"Don't worry, Yen. I was just joking." When you don't look at her, she sighs a bit before lightly knocking on your head. Surprised, you rub your forehead and pout as you meet her gaze once more. Smiling, she pays no mind, presenting you with an ID badge. Your eyes widen as you see it, and you take it from her waiting fingertips.

"Is this mine? I didn't think they'd process it so fast."

"Of course it's yours, whose else would it be?" Jojo chuckles, leaning over the counter and pointing to your name. "See? Lin Yen."

You bite your bottom lip, trying to suppress your grin. Somehow, this makes things all the more real, you can't help your delight at the sight. Jojo catches sight of the cute expression and can't help but laugh as she pulls away.

"Now hurry up, the schedule is all ready for the day. Don't forget to check in with the head manager, you remember his name right?" She reminds you, making you pause for a moment before you run off.

"Of course, it's Kim Sejin. Everyone knows that." She smiles at the coy response and waves you away.

"Okay, hurry up and go then. I'm sure Mr. Kim is waiting for you." You bow to her before taking off, a small bounce to your footsteps.

Walking through the halls without Namjoon is a bit scary, but exciting at the same time. You can't help but love the butterflies coursing through your stomach, and is it weird that you kind of want to barf and dance at the same time? Everything is so exciting and new, it's as though the world has been painted a different color.

You try your hardest to forget everything, just live in the moment as of right now. No more worries about the past. About your friends. About your mom. About Taehyung. Right now, you need to focus on yourself.

And this job seems like the perfect escape for that.

Humming slightly to yourself you do a little twirl in the hallway before turning the corner...

...and bumping right into Kim Namjoon.

You let out a small shriek, stumbling back, your body shrinking into a small protective ball like it normally does. It's a little defense mechanism you've acquired over the years. Your eyes closing themselves tightly, you don't realize who you've bumped into until he takes you by the shoulders and catches you mid-air.

Blinking as he rights you, you look up and find yourself face to face with your boss.

"Are you okay?" he asks, his voice coated with worry, and you chuckle a bit nodding sheepishly.

"Yes, I'm sorry I should've been paying attention to where I was going." You reply, stepping back from him. Though he sighs in relief as he releases you, you find that there’s a heavy cloud hanging over his head. He’s not fully there with you, lost in some unforgotten thought. Furrowing your brow in confusion, you wonder what happened to make him look that way. You open your mouth to ask him about it, but he's already speaking, and your words fall on deaf ears.

"It's a good thing that I bumped into you." You tilt your head in expectation, curious to what he's about to say next. "I needed to talk to you."

"But your schedule isn't ready yet--"

"That can wait."

You open your mouth to protest, but he's already taken you by the hand and is dragging you down the hallways.

Even though you cry out incomprehensible questions and sounds of alarm behind him, he can't seem to hear you. He doesn't want to hear you. His mind is too cluttered with the events of yesterday.

The outlandish plan that BangPD has in store for you.

-

"Why her?" He asks, his hands clenching tightly at his sides.

After the meeting, BangPD requested to meet privately with Namjoon, after all, he was the leader and one of the people that Sihyuk trusts the most. It didn't matter to RM anyway, he needed to talk to Sihyuk as well, and if it had to be on his terms then so be it.

Bang Sihyuk glances outside at the setting sun, casting shadows throughout his office. Serene and insoluble, shadows meant to conceal that which he would rather keep inside. He sighs before answering, his hands secured behind his back as he stands before the massive glass window.

"You know, BTS wouldn't have existed without you. If I had never come across you that day, if I had never been inspired to create a group that will strengthen and invigorate your music, we would have never gotten here." Namjoon glances at him in frustration. He hates when people beat around the bush, but his respect and humility won't allow him to speak out against his senior.

"It's the same with her."

Bang Sihyuk reaches out and taps on the window before letting out a soft chuckle.

"Did you know that glass is so easily broken? That is, when it's on its own. But when you fortify it, when you strengthen it with multiple pieces, then it becomes indestructible." Turning around to face Namjoon, he smiles.

"Almost Bulletproof."

Biting his bottom lip, Namjoon remains silent as he watches BangPD walk to his desk and sit down. He raises his brow when Namjoon remains standing, but when it's clear that he has no intention to make himself at home, he merely sighs.

"She auditioned before, you know. For the BE:LIFT project, for Source Music, she even auditioned for Plus Global." Namjoon balks at that. This is new information to him. He knew that it was her dream to be a singer, but never did he know that she wanted to be an idol. Especially since she's a foreigner, that would be near to impossible. "I didn't accept her."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to share her."

At the explanation, Namjoon turns away, running his hand across his face in frustration. This is much more complicated than he thought. Somehow, she's been connected to the company for the longest time. Not just through Jaejin, not through him himself, not even through Jungkook or Taehyung. Before any of them had a chance to see her potential, she's been on the mind of their former CEO since she auditioned 5 years ago. For a program, she would never be able to succeed in.

"I have been planning this for a while, Namjoon."

He's unwilling to accept it, he can't accept it.

"She's the missing piece."

-

At the thought, his hand clenches subconsciously around yours.

He can't stand the thought of you disappearing far from his reach.

And yet, almost against his will, he finds himself bringing you to the very fate that will keep you from him.

Perhaps forever.

He pauses when the door comes into his line of vision. Almost as though he were afraid of what lies behind that very same door. Mrs. Kwon looks up from her desk as the two of you enter the small lobby, and presses a button on her phone before muttering incomprehensible words to a person on the other line.

Out of breath, you place your hand on your chest before looking up at him. At the sight of his set jaw, and stony eyes, you can't help but feel a bit worried.

What exactly happened to make him look that way?

Once more, you open your mouth to speak to him, but Mrs. Kwon interrupts and you look at her in surprise, not noticing she was there.

"You may go in."

Confused, you turn to Namjoon, but all he does is give a nod to the secretary before stepping towards a massive oak door. Curious, you peer around him to glance at it, not quite aware of your surroundings. There's a small plaque on the door, one that reads the name of the person residing within in perfect neat letters.

방시혁

Bang Sihyuk.

Your heart stopping in your chest, you freeze halfway to the door, your hand slipping out of Namjoon's.

"Namjoon, why are we here?" you try to keep the fear, the anxiety, the worry out of your voice, but the efforts are futile. He swallows hard, steadying himself before turning to you, his warm eyes soft and apologetic.

"He wanted to meet you."

𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢: you can probably guess what will happen next, but nonetheless i'm exciiiited

chapter 27 here

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

[weltenwellen]

What I'm about to talk to you about might be a bit triggering for some so please be careful.

I suffered from mental health problems for years and after a long time debating with myself I decided I needed to go to therapy. I started therapy few months ago and I immediately felt and saw great great changes in my life and my attitude towards life and my mood started to change and now that I feel a bit lighter and better I feel scared. I feel extremely uncomfortable and I don't even know why. I have this feeling where every day I'm scared that I'm gonna feel sad again and every improvement I've made is gonna go away and I'm gonna go back to feeling sad. And then i have this thought that what if I die and I don't get to feel this light and happy anymore. This is my main thing. "what if I die". After 22 years of my life only now I wake up and don't immediately feel sad. Only now I get to enjoy little things in life. Only now I laugh so loud. And I feel like I'm gonna die and I don't get to experience these nice feelings anymore. I'm so sacred of death. I don't know what to do.

i think for a lot of people who struggle with mental health issues and mental illness during their teens, what you feel and what you write is highly relatable. for me at least it is very much so. the thought of only coming alive in your 20s or only feeling like you’re living while you see that everybody has had so many experiences while they were younger & you were only watching while struggling and feeling paralysed... that hurts & from experience, it will hurt for awhile and it will come back every once in awhile as sharp and as hurtful as in the past. but darling, you’re still so young. you’re only now beginning to find out just how strong you are, what you’re capable of and forming who you are. i know it feels often like you’re behind and that there are certain stages or levels you should have reached by now, but life is not like that even if some people make you feel like it is. you move at your own pace. you are taking the time that you need to heal and you are taking the needed pace towards life so it won’t destroy you and overwhelm you after struggling so long in the dark.

it warms my heart how good therapy has been for you. that makes me very happy. i think as you get back and as you come back towards wanting to live, towards wanting to build your own life & to live, there is a need for control and it is normal I would say that you’re experiencing an intense fear of relapsing and going back to old ways & feeling those emotions again which you were stuck in for so long. there is a need to get the upper hand once and for all on your emotions and on shutting the door to the past and leaving the self behind who has battled so long mentally & to even shut out the person who went through recovery. because recovery is not only extremely difficult but it is not linear & there are also extreme feelings of hatred and failure for yourself in recovery which can overshadow the enormous strength, courage and bravery you have displayed to get to who you are now, to get to wanting to live.

to be afraid to die because you haven’t lived, because you haven’t got your shot at life especially now that it is right in your grasp is very understandable. i can only tell you think from the perspective of someone recovering from depression in their teens, but i got a lot of irrational fears while recovering and also had a high level of anxiety because it might sound weird, but when you’re heavily depressed you’re getting caught up in the same thinking circles over and over again & you’re so withdrawn. actually wanting to live overwhelmed me so much, feel such different things compared to the past were not only overwhelming but also hurt. joy felt so flimsy and unable for me to grasp but also it felt to bright, it felt like it burned too brightly in my chest. like i couldn’t hold it. i wanted to the control to not feel bad again but i also did not want to feel joy with it being taken away. i did not want temporary something good.

but as you go deeper and further into building your life and finding out who you are in your life and in therapy, you are able to trust more yourself and can gradually let go of wanting to shut those doors to the past, of wanting to have constant control over your emotions and in your life. you cannot stop life from moving you, you cannot stop yourself from being moved by life. you’re going feel everything. all those emotions which have been with you in the past while you were struggling, you will find in the future & all the new and bright emotions you are experiencing and discovering now, you will find in the future. and that hurts and it’s scary but the more you become certain in who you are & the more you know just what you’re capable of, the better you are at navigating through the storms and to trust yourself enough to let yourself float when it’s sunny and not a cloud is in sight. life is and remains uncertain. that’s the beauty and that’s pain that makes life beautiful and heartbreaking. all you can do is find a way to stand in the now & to trust yourself & to love the hell out of life and the people around you.

[kamosweasley]

Won’t you pull me through ? (Fred and George Weasley)

Description : Amber meet her friend Emily to take a tea and they talk about the war and the twins. It’s inspired by the song Trouble by Cage The Elephant.

Word count : 2.2K

Warning : angst, mention of death, torture, scars, death and mental illness.

Lyrics from Trouble by Cage The Elephant are in italics.

Tag list : @memekingofwwiii​ 

After knocking at the door, Emily entered with her brighter smile. It's been a while since she's had the opportunity to see her friend, the last few months have been a mess in the wizarding world with the death of Voldemort and the end of the war. She's doing her best but she's still overwhelmed, although the smile of Amber makes it all go away within a second. 

-Hey love. 

-Emily ! It's been a long time since the last time I saw you around ! How are you ?

-Pretty good, things are exhausting lately but we have to deal with it. We're in the middle of reconstruction, it's normal that things are moving fast. 

-This is a good thing, this terrible year is finally behind us. Do you know how well the reconstruction is progressing at Hogwarts? 

-McGonagall supervises, so it's efficient and almost done. She must be a great principal, she is what the students need after the trauma of war.

-I don't even want to imagine the condition that some people must be in, a whole year being tortured by sadistic deatheaters when they were only children …

The two friends sat down at a table to drink the tea Amber had prepared in advance. There is a silence following Amber's sentence, Emily looking at her with a hint of concern. Rare are the people who have not suffered from war and who do not continue to suffer from it today. Some have experienced more painful things than others, such as Amber who was imprisoned and tortured during the war at the Malfoy mansion. It was in the last month before the Battle of Hogwarts, she was able to escape thanks to Dobby, with Luna and Ollivander. Emily hadn't been able to see her before the Battle of Hogwarts a month later, she didn't seem to have experienced all the horrors she told her afterwards. On the battlefield she looked like a warrior determined to win, even at the risk of her life. She was unstoppable, and she survived. They both survived, not everyone was so lucky.

-Now all these assholes are either in jail or dead. My only regret is not being able to get revenge on Bellatrix before Molly killed her. That bitch left awful scars on me, and since they were made with black magic it can't be removed.

-You talk about it like it's nothing, so you feel better ?

-It was hard at first, the first few weeks after the battle I felt like I didn't recognize myself. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a stranger. But it's been getting better for a while, I feel good.

-I’m glad to hear it. You know that everyone is worried about you, you haven't had an easy time of it.

-There are some who have been through worse, I keep breathing and I have resumed a normal life. I think I’m doing well. Doesn't it look like it ? 

-You seem peaceful … After what happened 

-Can we talk about something else ? This war has already hurt us enough, don’t you think so ?

-Obviously.

A little annoyed, Amber finished her cup of tea, her hands slightly shaking. Nothing impressive, but Emily notices it, which awakens the worry inside her. She doesn't know what to do, maybe she should apologize for bringing it up. Obviously the blonde didn't want to talk too long about it. With a fleeting look in her eyes, Amber tucks a strand of her long hair behind her ear. The room suddenly seems to her empty and hostile, she loves Emily but talking about the war remains something that makes her uncomfortable. She much prefers to talk about the future and all the joyful things that await them. This is what helps her get better, telling herself tomorrow will be better and she always has the people she loves with her. She will be able to live that future with them. A smile appears on her face, speaking of joy she immediately thinks of them. Her two rays of sunshine.

-I have received the new catalog from George and Fred's store. Have you seen it ? It's still so colorful, it's good to see all these colors in this sad world. Wait, I'll show it to you, I think I put it over there.

The blonde leaves the table to rummage through the drawers of her dresser as Emily looks at her. We had talked to her about it but she wasn't expecting it, how is it possible ? 

-Oh Amber …

-What ? You already saw it ? You can tell me, I'm just trying to talk about my best friends. Maybe you went to the store not long ago, it's still fantastic isn’t it ? This place exudes a good mood, if I could I would spend all of my days there. 

-Did you go back ?

-Of course ! George and Fred wouldn't talk to me anymore if I wasn't their best customer. I love them so much, I'm glad the war doesn't change them. They are still funny and malicious, they always have been. You know, I think people don't realize how wonderful they are.

-I have never laughed so much as with them, they have always been very funny.

-You see ? That's what I said. I grew up with them, we did so many silly things together but we had so much fun ! 

-I know, you had few problems because of them. They always took you in their pranks, you were driving the professors crazy. They found you calm and studious, they didn't understand why you were doing this. 

-Do you know this song ? It says “trouble on my left, trouble on my right, I’ve been facing trouble almost all my life.” That’s on growing with George and Fred. You learn to like problems and to be clever enough to make it good. 

-I can imagine. Which song is it ?

-Trouble by Cage The Elephant. You should listen to it one day, it’s really great. It reminds me of my friendship with George and Fred. 

-Because they always put you in trouble ?

-Not only that, and to be honest I’ve always loved it. These are the best moments of my life, the three of us always had fun as kids. It's not really the same anymore … 

The silence remains, for a moment you can see a shadow on Amber's face, revealing suffering. The mask falls, she has not moved on as she claims, she is still haunted by what happened. We can not say that she is an exceptional case, it was war, but Amber is a special case. 

-I miss them, they don’t come often but they’re busy with their shop. Business is running for them, they deserve it. They work so hard for their shop.

-Amber, you know very well that their store has not reopened.

-What the hell are you talking about ? Of course it reopened ! I went there, I helped them put everything back in place. 

-It's not possible Amber. The store is still closed, and there is no new catalog.

-But I was there! I know it better than you do, I didn't imagine it ! Were you there to help them with the store ? I don't remember seeing you there, so how can you say it's impossible ? You didn't go back to Diagon Alley ? How can you say the store is closed ? It is not closed !

-Amber …

-IT’S NOT CLOSED ! Damn it, where is this damn catalog !

Now she’s crying, all her body is shaking. Her hands are clenched to the chest of drawers, the white knuckles, she’s so tense. It seems as if the slightest word or gesture could make her explode. Unsure of what to do, Emily gets up and starts walking towards her friend. She wants to comfort her, to tell her that everything will be okay, but that would be lying. It’s been a while now and it's not going to get any better visibly. Yet seeing her like this tears her heart out, she wishes there was something she could do to make her feel better. 

-I’m sorry Amber.

-Don’t … Don’t say this, you have nothing to be sorry about.

-We both know isn’t true.

-Why did you come ? I thought you wanted to talk like in the good old days, not that you wanted to bring up all the pain. The war has taken something from all of us, it's time to stop it and take it back.

-Unfortunately it doesn't work like that, we can't take back what it took from us. The dead cannot be brought back to life.

-No one should have died.

They can only agree on this point, this war should not have taken place and it should not have taken so many lives. Emily is standing in the middle of the room, Amber still in front of the dresser but she is almost shaking. The tears are already drying on her cheeks but she doesn't seem to care, she keeps scratching the inside of her right hand with her index. Worries fill Emily's thoughts, she feels like she's screwed up all over the place. She was hoping that she could make things better, make Amber feel better, but she's not worried that she's robbed her even more.

-Please leave, I need some quiet.

The blonde takes a cassette from one of the drawers of the chest of drawers, with red eyes she inserts it into a cassette player. The music begins as she leaves the room with a heavy heart. How did her friend get there ? After closing the door, Emily lets out a sigh. Things are worse than she expected, Amber is still in denial. The real version of the story is much sadder than Amber's version. She really escaped the Malfoy mansion in April after being tortured, she wasn’t that good but it’s the Battle of Hogwarts who makes her fall. She was on a fine line, fighting for her survival and to save her loved ones. She was fighting against her own sanity during the battle, every second, every move, every thought was a step forward. She was winning, seeing a glimmer of hope when Voldemort died. Her first reaction was to laugh at having a hard time breathing, it was over, they had won, she had won. So she ran through the castle to find her two best friends, she had seen them during the battle but was unable to join them at that time. They were finally going to be reunited, to be again the trio they always have been. No matter what they had gone through, they had survived and they will be able to rebuild themself together. 

Nobody can imagine the pain that hit her when she saw the two dead bodies on the ground. It was like the blast of an explosion, in less than a second her world collapsed. They were all she had, she has been an orphan for years, an only child, Fred and George were all that mattered to her. Thus broke the spirit of the young woman

-She hasn't progressed since May …

-It can take a long time before she may feel ready to accept the truth. She knows it but she needs to do it all again. 

-But how much longer ? She's not going to stay locked up here all her life !

-When she accepts reality and gets over it, she can return to live with her family.

-She has no family left, her parents died years ago and she had no one else. And the twins died too ... I'm afraid she has no family left.

The lyrics of the song can be heard through the door, from what she hears, Emily understands how this music speaks so much to Amber. “My sweet love, won’t you pull me through ? Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you.” It must be horrible to lose your two best friends, even more when you think of them as your brothers, your last family. She really lost everything that day, even her sanity.

~~~~

“God don’t let me lose my mind.” She sings with this whole heart, eyes closed and serenity filling the room. She knows the lyrics by heart, it became her favorite song because it reminds her of them. When she opens her eyes she faces the twins, sitting at the table. They exchange a mischievous look before looking at her, it's like when they were young. A blink of an eye and they are three children facing each other, mischievous and innocent. Then teenagers, running through Hogwarts to escape Filch, out of breath but having fun. It's only onto the common room they can relax, out of danger. Fred told Amber that it's her turn to do it, so she takes his wand and puts it on the map. Surrounded by his two best friends, Amber open her eyes and as a tear falls, she whispers :

-Mischief managed.

[eccl3ctic0n3]

This Is My Personal Testimony of How God Found Me When I Was Lost.

I Am A Witness and My Testimony is of Jesus Christ the living Word of God

What you FEEL and what you THINK are valid and extremely powerful as these are the things you BELIEVE to be TRUTH thus this is your REALITY!

This is your belief system. Unless you suffer from mental illness therapy and counseling can be very helpful. Just talking about it and getting it off your chest is therapeutic in itself. No matter if it is a friend or a therapists getting things out instead of bottling them up and holding them in is great relief.

I was diagnosed bipolar type I when I was 23 years old. I am 41 now and it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been able to overcome, heal, grow, and experience breakthrough.

Traumatic experiences such as verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse to losing a loved one or friend has a lifelong affect. Therapy and medicine are just tools to help you and give you the skills, knowledge, and some understanding, so you can cope and learn how to manage with the pain and symptoms that remain.

I don't know who needs to hear this but I am telling you from 18 years of personal experience. Actually, 41 years as its only been 18 since I began treatment. Where doctors and medicine failed me for 13 years God did not fail me. I got lab ratted on all that time with powerful psychiatric medications. I spiraled out of control and my behavior landed me in the psychiatric ward of prison in the infirmary. 10 weeks I was locked in solitary confinement on 24 hour lock. I was deemed incompetent and unfit to stand trial. I was looking at two F1 Felonies with sentences from 5-99 years each. For 10 weeks I literally lost my mind and was experiencing full blown psychosis. It was in an instant that God found me and restored me to sanity. I did not find God. He found me.

I was lost and could not tell the difference between my dreams and reality. I slept in 15 minute intervals. In one dream I dreamt that I murdered my two children. I bashed my daughters head into the wall. My reality was this place I was in where no other person is visible was like a purgatory and I was awaiting my judgment to be thrown into hell.

I was on my knees in my boxers bleeding from my head and knuckles. I was head butting and punching the walls. As I was on my knees I was singing, ''My Girl, My Girl, Talkin Bout, My Girl." I was only thinking of my daughter and that I was never going to see her again.

The guy in a cell next to me screamed, " Shut the fuck up!" I just screamed back and told him to come on over and shut me up. What was he going to do we are in solitary confinement. 😅

I lost track of time and I was still singing and I began to cry out to God. Literally bawling and begging I screamed for God to help me. Don't you know the guy who cursed me came to my door and asked me to call his momma for him to bail him out. I laughed and said ain't you the same mother fucker who told me to shut up? Before he answered I just said whatever! Just write the number on a piece of paper and slide it under my door and I will get to it.

Mind you that for those 10 weeks I could not even read or use the telephone because I just didn't know how. The hands on the clock just spun round and round. Still on my knees sobbing I noticed the piece of paper slide under my door. I forgot all about it and I couldn't read or use a phone anyway. But I looked closer and I seen the red writing. This guy tore the last page of his bible out to write the number on. The red writing just caught my eyes and the first thing I seen was this. Revelations 22:16 I Jesus, have sent My angel to you to testify in the churches. I am the Root and Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star. As fast as you could snap your fingers I realized that I could read first of all. I then noticed I felt completely normal. I was just wondering wtf am I doing in my boxers bleeding on this floor? 😅 I got up took a shower and cleaned up. The guard came by and stopped giving me a strange look and asked if I was ok. I just said Im fine Im waiting on lunch its almost noon. I could read the time cause the hands stopped spinning.

Finally I got to use the phone and I called home and asked how long I was there. I said 2 weeks? My mom said you been there almost 3 months. I did 6 months and got both charges dropped down to a misdemeanor and 4 years probation. 2 years was deferred. I literally signed out of jail on a PR Bond. No fines, fees, or court costs at all.

That was 5 years ago in October. I never could forget or deny what happened. I knew immediately what the verse meant and what I was told to do. So I have done it this entire time everyday almost on social media.

I had never read a bible before and I was far away from God. I was really on the fence about the whole Jesus thing. What I know now and I knew at that moment was this. Jesus is God! He is the Father, the Son of God, and the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God and of Christ. There is only one. Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and Sovereign Lord over all of creation.

I believe the words of the verse exactly for what they said. He sent an angel to me which is a ministering spirit and a messenger. I got the message loud and clear. So I do exactly as He has told me to.

It has been 5 years and I have not even had a cold. My doctor is weaning me off medications. It was by no means an easy 5 years at all. I suffered with overcoming addiction and the mental illness symptoms I was and still am learning to cope and manage.

There is one thing I learned in addition to all these things since then in talk therapy. I was raised by two narcissistic, one mentally ill, and completely abusive except sexually.

After all those years and all those medications and numerous doctors did not do for me what the Great Physician did in a moment of time.

Don't get me wrong. God has revealed to me that He has gifted these doctors, nurses, therapists, and the scientists or chemists that make these medications. Give or take these crooked sons of bitches.

Just know that God is Hope. Faith or Belief and any good thing at all about man is of God. He is Love. How is Jesus God? All things are possible with God. Just trust Him. Don't worry or be afraid. He has commanded us to be strong and courageous for He is with us wherever we go. He will never leave us or forsake us. He is faithful to keep His word. If He said it. He meant it. It is the Truth. Jesus said His words are Spirit and Truth. These words are Life and Jesus is the Way. The one and only true living God is the living Word of God. He was manifest in the flesh. The holy bible has been tampered with by man and today even more with hundreds of versions. However, man is foolish to think he could ever stop the Power of the Spirit and Truth that is the Word of God Jesus Christ.

Is the Father the Son or the Spirit? Is He 3 in one or one in 3? Don't split hairs with vain debates and argumentative subjects that no man can answer. There are simply things of God that man will never understand. Our finite minds cannot imagine, fathom, dream, or even comprehend the great things of God. He just said don't trip. I got this. Be still and know. Trust Me and Believe In Me. Have Faith! Never give up Hope. Without Hope this Life has no purpose and we have meaning at all. There is just certain death. Then we are worm food.

If it is all just a big story and we die only to find out that's it just black and nothing then fine with me. If we die and it is true and we chose not to simply believe and have the faith the size of a mustard seed. We'd be cursing ourselves not God from hell forever. We would know He was right and we have no defense or a word to say before the righteous Judge.

Life and death. Facts. Choose life or death. It is the most logical, reasonable, sane, and simple choice for anyone in their right mind. So anyone who says its blind faith and completely disregards facts, logic, or reason. You know just as God says. He has used the foolishness of this world for His wisdom. He makes those who are wise in their own eyes, puffed up with pride, and too stubborn or hard hearted to simply admit they do not know. Men fear what they do not know. Rightfully so. You should fear God. Both revere and be a very afraid of the One that can take your life and cast your soul into hell. He gives and takes away. Simple as that.

So remember no matter what the situation or circumstances shit is just temporary. All good things must come to an end. As do the bad. So suck it up, be strong and courageous. Has He not commanded us? He is with you wherever and nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

To anyone suffering right now I am by no means minimizing your pain. I feel you 1000% You don't have to believe a word from me. Just know there is someone who is always with you and you are not helpless or alone. You may be weak and in complete darkness that seems like hell. God is light in the darkness. He has the keys to death and hell. So weather life or death, heaven or hell. You gotta trust and believe in Jesus. If not it is your own doing. Most of our problems are self inflicted we bring em on ourselves.

This may be the hardest part for me to tell someone in depression just dwelling and can't let go. Do you know what depression is. It is YOUR THOUGHTS and YOUR FEELINGS. It is therefore YOUR BELIEF and thus YOUR REALITY!

This is self-centeredness. Depression for a while that is justified is one thing. Wallowing in SELF-PITY with the attitude WOE IS ME. MY LIFE SUCKS and nobody understands or knows what I I I am going through. No one could possibly relate to YOUR SUPERIOR PROBLEMS! GET OUT OF YOURSELF for a while. Have an attitude of gratitude. You are alive and if you can feel emotions and you woke up today then you KNOW that you are alive. LIFE is a gift from of GOD. He so loved all of us that He GAVE HIS LIFE so that anyone who BELIEVES in HIM Should Not Perish...SHOULD NOT! But HAVE RIGHT NOW AS IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT. EVERLASTING LIFE. God gave us HOPE of ETERNAL LIFE the FREE GIFT of SALVATION is the LORD OUR GOD JESUS CHRIST the ONLY BEGOTTEN of the EVERLASTING FATHER the King of Israel is the Holy One (Christ) or Anointed (Messiah) our SAVIOR and REDEEMER. Not by might nor by power but by that Holy Spirit of PROMISE which is the PLEDGE of our inheritance.

The only reason one would die when God gave us His Life so that anyone whomsoever at all Believes. The Way is the Truth and He has become our Salvation. He is the very HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE that abides forever. LOVE being the greatest. No one SHOULD die. It is a choice!!! Just like you choose to wake up and be grateful saying Thank You God. Bless you Lord Jesus for the Spirit translated "Breath or Air" of Life and the LIGHT we all see and we have heard the word of God preached and proclaimed to us all. So no one has an excuse to even say I Dont Believe! That is our free will and choice. Another gift from God. He wants you to choose Jesus and dont worry but be happy. Rejoice!! Make some noise!! God is good all the time. All the time God is good. We all have a reason for the very BREATH of LIFE that was blown into Adam's nostrils and he became a living soul. Adam just means man. Human. In His image and likeness. Male and female created He them. If you believe in Jesus and the Good News aka Gospel of the Kingdom and Eternal Life you have every reason on every Day the Lord has made to be grateful and choose to be happy. The Eternal One is the Alpha and Omega. The Ancient of Days is the First and the Last. The Almighty. Beginning and End. Genesis to Revelation. Death and Life He gives and takes away.

I pray you don't waste another moment having a pity party if you don't have an actual reason to be stuck feeling sad for an excessive period of time. It is selfish. Ungrateful.

Your THOUGHTS and FEELINGS are powerful. They are YOURS though. You and you alone have a God given free gift of grace to Think for yourself and Regulate or Control Your Feelings and Emotions. It takes time and it's a process of growing up and becoming a man or woman. He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, AND A SOUND MIND. SELF DISCIPLINE your MIND. We have the MIND of Christ. The Spirit of God and of Christ. The Kingdom of heaven is within. God the Father, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit is all within. What does it say? The Word is near to you, in your heart, even in your mouth.

It is Finished!

Revelation 22:16 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

16 “I, Jesus, have sent Mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the Bright and Morning Star.”

Isaiah 44:6-8 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

6 “Thus saith the Lord, the King of Israel, and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts: I am the First, and I am the Last, and besides Me there is no God.

7 And who, as I, shall call and shall declare it, and set it in order for Me, since I appointed the ancient people? And the things that are coming and shall come, let them show unto them.

8 Fear ye not, neither be afraid. Have not I told thee from that time and have declared it? Ye are even My witnesses. Is there a God besides Me? Yea, there is no God. I know not any.”