#and i do think i've learned a lot
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I've finally finished my first fanfic: this lifetime doesn’t have to be lonely (10435 words, 6 chapters) by cottagecore_raccoon
Aziraphale has just returned from his moderately successful time serving as Supreme Archangel in Heaven. While he doesn't regret having done what he could to protect humanity, he deeply regrets how his last conversation ended with Crowley. Unfortunately, Aziraphale believes that Crowley and all their acquaintances are better off without him, and feels that he doesn't have the right to apologize and reinsert himself into their lives. Join Aziraphale while he learns that he is, in fact, needed and reunites with Crowley before Armageddon 2.0.
#please give it a read!#it really has been such a labour of love#good omens#ineffable husbands#cottagecore-raccoon#good omens fanfiction#good omens fanfic#good omens fic#wren writes#I won't claim it's perfect#but i've truly worked so hard on it#and i do think i've learned a lot#aziracrow
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A-Qing, the little fox.
#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#a-qing#I needed to draw her happy one last time#i also really wanted to try my hand at drawing Hanfu. Clothing is still hard for me but I learned a lot!#the process was 1) get idea from the fox hairpin extra 2) thumbnail 3) look up references 4) accept that this is nearly an impossible task#5) do it anyways. For A-Qing#It has also been a while since the last better drawn mdzs. I've been getting better! B*)#I chickened out of having this be a ‘draw this in your style’ prompt….Perhaps in the future!#I want to improve a little more first I think. Psychically beaming my beloved mutuals to re-kick off DTIYS in my stead#I adore how A-Qing is associated with foxes! She is cleaver and quick to adapt! A trickster in many regards!#There is absolutely more to analyze here but I'm not well versed about Chinese mythology
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DAY 75: onehat
#codacheetah#isat#loop isat#siffrin isat#isat act 6 spoilers#twohat spoilers#isat spoilers#yea im tagging the onehat post twohat spoilers. watch me#..do we know what time of day it is when siffrin goes to the favor tree?#i always imagined the evening for some reason.#um so anyways. hey do you guys ever think about onehat. do you think about it#do you ever think about how siffrin never learning about loop and never getting closure with them#is just as valid of an ending as twohats. you dont have to get twohats. loop getting some catharsis isnt necessary to siffrin's narrative.#they asked to be here. they were here to help siffrin. and they did. and it ended#that's it.#i've always wondered if loop saw siffrin perform the ritual for them#i wonder if it would comfort them or not. if you ask them if they're a ghost they say yes (and no) after all#the tree is their grave.#something something from main character to stage director to sponsor to corpse#and with how arcane the prereqs for twohats are. yes you can get them naturally on a first playthrough but it's definitely not the majority#experience especially playing blind.#to give loop an ending you have to reach back in with both hands and grasp at that connection#i dont rlly know how to articulate it but it makes me feel a kind of way tbh. you only learn the prereqs (w/o guidance) by talking to loop#very frequently and paying attention to the hints they drop to you about the coin. labor of love situation#self love. siffrin reaching back for loop. We Are Getting Out Together Bitch#Is this anything i dont know that it is#idk onehat fascinates me a lot and im not even gonna touch on the onehats playthroughs where u actually do get the prereqs#i think there is a slight tendency among some fans tocharacterize loop as. more vindictive than they are? i guess?#it's easy to stare down loop's big twohats breakdown and see them bare their fangs and look into their anger#but loop's willingness to fade into nothing and leave siffrin alone shouldnt be forgotten i dont think
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vere cosplay progress:)
#touchstarved#touchstarved game#vere#personal#cosplay#OK SO#The belt buckles I've made look horrendous so they might not make the cut for wearing it at the con.#I would rather have no belt details than ugly belt details#I may do a poll later to see if u think it looks better with or without#the second belt with the metal triangle on his exposed leg also looks ugly#but that one is easier to possibly resolve#his metal leg bands are in the works#but it's def wearable for the con#u can't see but I put on all the makeup too-just didn't put in the contacts or lashes bc I was tired lol#btw ITS SO HARD TO GET THESE ARM BANDS ON WITH THE GLOVES AND WVERYRGUNG ARGH#if u want patterns or consultation (if ur trying to make it) dm me and I'll share whatever I have:>#which I have learned a LOT of practical info that would help someone coming along after me haha
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#destiel#deancas#spn polls#spn supernatural#today i learned polls can have more than ten options now!#please reblog this and explain your reasoning in the comments if you want <3#i've been thinking a lot about this because i think depending on when it went canon#it would have both changed nothing and made the show a 100x better#anyway i also wanna do an episode asking which specific episode it should have gone canon#but first i gotta narrow those down#and maybe see some consensus from this poll
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The interesting thing about Jiang Cheng is that he refuses to be his mother's golden child to Wei Wuxian's scapegoat; he actively chooses Wei Wuxian again and again. He defends Wei Wuxian from her until she dies. It's unusual.
This doesn't mean that Wei Wuxian's experience was any less fraught--being hated by a caretaker is awful even if everyone else loves you. But it was an interesting choice by MXTX.
#pallas.rtf#mdzs#this is perhaps because i spent a lot of time on various subreddits#but either golden children don't protect their siblings or the golden children who protect their siblings don't end up posting on reddit#because i've never encountered a clear golden child and scapegoat dynamic like jc & wwx's in real life or in fiction#i suppose that's wuthering heights again--cathy defends heathcliff (until she learns how to be a proper lady)#but i don't know. it's interesting to see jc step in for wwx directly in the novel and then contrast that to wwx comforting jc after jfm#doesn't praise jc for helping to save wwx#i often wonder if wwx was as resentful in the moment or if--like all memories--wwx reframed that interaction after the golden core transfer#the way he talks about jc like he's sooo delicate and breakable that obviously wwx has to comfort him is v. reminiscent of how he acts like#jc almost directly forced wwx to do this mad impossible thing because jc was sad and breaking#if jc read mdzs he'd probably curl up in a miserable little ball#but yeah like... memories are shaped so much by what we think and feel now#all memory is imagination... and wwx was a tormented ghost for 13 years because no one offered him anything#so what would that do to you?#i'm off topic
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okay its no secret i dont buy into marazhai being the persona he puts on. so as i've officially met him in game now, im making a list of all the in-game reasons i think he's a bit of an idiot [which i love btw. i find him far more compelling if he's a bit stupid/weird and he's trying so hard not to be but you just know nobody in commorragh is inviting him to parties]
the very first time you get a glance of him on a rooftop and. 'deal with this' "of course" proceeds to just walk off like 3 seconds after the other two
ambushes you. has you cornered. is in optimal position to kick your ass frankly, high ground and better weapons and utilising shock against you. ...he bitches at you for a while, gets insulted, then runs off into the forest with a maniacal cackle
heinrix fired a mild insult [considering what he's like to everyone else its barely an insult] and he took big enough issue with it to start saying how he'll break him and turn him into a pet. oh sure dude you're responding super well to this mild comment from the guy who accidentally insults everyone and their entire ancestral line at some point
i think it says something that he's learned to speak your language fluently too. that Has to be some kind of Yikes moment to admit publicly in drukhari culture. buried family secret great great grandfather drukhari-georg learned to speak mon keigh and now we claim he just spoke oddly because was shot in the head as a child to prevent the shame
he also knows the mon keigh lore that says youre a super special little guy as rogue trader and actually LISTENS to the fact you're the special little guy as rogue trader. and he does treat you as more equal/with more respect than the other characters. thats not just a drukhari culture yikes thats what gets you checked for a concussion or brain damage
literally socially atrocious enough its believed he's working with you [read: with you. not using you, not manipulating, cooperating. this is a big difference i feel] and only he himself doesnt believe it
ignore the fact he eventually DOES work with you which. is its own follow up statement
challenges you to fight him, to give chase then and there. i made him wait while i went through english government simulator where i queued for multiple days, did multiple day/week voidship trips back and forth, got distracted by accidentally starting jae's romance, pasqal telling me to servitorise her, getting blackout drunk with her, shipwide broadcast tm, giving her a voidship, her getting me a space cat, attacked by pirates, dealt with a plague, explored a few extra systems.......................
he destroys your palace. ...its rebuilt effectively within a week. most of the damage is in bodies which are just sent to the poor district to rot [almost feels worse than the damage done good job imperium]
the throne has claw marks. he could've blown it up or shot it or piled corpses on it but no he wanted to sit on the fancy chair and so turned into a common housecat mauling the sofa arm
how long was he just sitting there lounging on that chair? again see how long i kept him waiting. he was just sitting there trying to find a comfy position on this [for him] kinda small chair JUST so he could briefly taunt, break your window with his space motorbike, jump off the chair in a dramatic [but not gunna lie not that impressive] feat of gymnastics, then fly out. he doesnt even shoot at you as he leaves
i will continue my list as i see more that entertain me
#warhammer rogue trader#rogue trader marazhai#marazhai rogue trader#marazhai aezyrraesh#dont listen to how he tries to portray himself hes LAME and i thoroughly enjoy that about him#like. marazhai is a social outcast on so many levels and he is trying SO hard to compensate. it makes him incredibly interesting#ive seen some stuff of him later on but not all that much so im really curious how it'll go/how well i've grasped him#my current thoughts on him? he's just. fundamentally someone who desperately wants to be understood#but in all his long life he's never found it. and commorragh isnt a place for weakness like that. so he acts over it#he pretends to be some great evil mastermind with a lot of flair which is Intentional. because he doesnt know how to act like other drukhar#so concealing that is the best he's got. he doesnt realise the yawning gaps that show it for what it is and bring distain on him anyway#drukhari hate him because he's not like them. he's odd and dramatic and takes things to heart when he shouldnt but dismisses things he shou#he's tolerated for his blood connections and how it killing him could be an invitation for feud. he's also easy to get out of the way#send him to go chat to some mon keigh he'll be so fixated on setting the stage for the meeting he'll miss the important stuff#humans hate him bc he's drukhari. they believe the way he portrays himself because it fits propaganda#hell he may've even learned how to act drukhari from human stories. it'd fit tbh. ....i want to think more on this now#either way he loses. and tbh thats why i do like the idea of him with pasqal. theyre both freaks and social outcasts despite their ranks#robot rambles
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Pretty clothes for you! ✨ (Patreon)
#My art#Solanaceae#Satine#Ahh!!! Even with this one being done I'm still so nervous about it somehow!! Haha ♪#It's been so so soooo long since I've participated in an Event that I've forgotten everything I've ever learned or done in one haha#But yes! This is an event piece! DCS put out an art call and I wanted to join and I'm very glad I did! :D#I would consider myself a very casual fan of Solanaceae like it's been way too long since I've reread in earnest but I like to stop by#Lovely art and characters and interesting movement and feelings and problems everyone runs into it's quite cool :D#Satine is probably my favourite of the bunch even if it has been too long since I've properly caught up with everyone!!#I remember always feelings very positive and like - mixed-love? They're complex in a way that I really like#Ahh all the more reason to catch up again! So I can properly express how I feel about Satine /now/ not just partially remembered haha#I'm also just generally a fan of DCS' art style and passion and ah <3#I don't think I've mentioned it anywhere but DCS was one of my Very Big - maybe even Main inspirations to make VargasLovingHours#And then I also get to draw their pretty lad in Satine! Yes!!#I have a lot to feel thankful for inspiration-wise haha ♥#This was a fun outfit to design :D I really wanted Satine to feel pretty 'cause they are!#A kind of cool pink and scalloping I will always choose scalloping if there is an option for scalloping to be chosen#And I got to bring back a bit of the rainbow-opal look I used for Winter King a bit back as well! :D#And mirrors and sparklies and just - yes! Many good and fun things!!#I do think it's a bit funny since those were supposed to be thought bubbles but then I just - forgot to make the little bubble tails lol#Remembered them on the flowers! But not the thought bubbles! Haha oh well ♪#Does not diminish the cutes or the pretties ♫
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r u chill w non transitioning ppl?
Why wouldn't I be? At one point, every trans person who is transitioning was once someone who wasn't (whether or not that was a choice or their need is a separate discussion).
Hatred of any kind of trans person is not a Righteous or Good Thing - every single trans person has their place, their entitlement to safety, community, and respect of who they are
#ask#anon#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#when i was a kid i cared way more about Earning a spot - about every trans person Proving ourselves#and then i grew up in many ways and experienced many unfortunate things - as a kid who couldn't transition nonetheless#that quickly sobered me to the reality that it doesn't matter what you do or don't do as a trans person#divided we fall. you canNOT give into the divide and conquer strategy - you will NEVER survive#the second you decide that some trans people are worth discarding entirely is the second you set a precedent#and that precedent will eventually choke you. that precedent WILL exclude you eventually#i think a lot of people end up in the place of You Have To Earn Your Spot because they think it will save them...#...those ridged requirements tell you what you need to do to Earn Being Alive...#...if there is no goal where you have earned unconditional respect and security what is there to do?#what would the point be? why should trans people even bother if we aren't guaranteed safety over all?#that misses the true foundation for so many of those requirements is control - not safety or respect#as i have transitioned medically i've learned so much about what the point is#in so many ways i have had really negative experiences because of transitioning - but the joy always outweighs the pain#that joy is what made it worth it
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*positive vibes intentions and wishes from the other side of earth being sent to you*
Hope you're doing well and if you dont right now i hope you will tomorrow!!! :)))
<33 THANK U FRIEND! i am getting better every day i think 💪
#not having a lot of practice regulating my emotions is a recent struggle i've had to start facing again which has been hard#but ten years of yoga and forcing myself to learn breathing exercises i think will be very helpful!!#and one thing i'd like to also try doing is not giving myself constant psychic damage by going on my phone all the time..#that will be hard but ultimately worth it..#anyway thank u for ur kind message!! i appreciate it#binask
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i think sacred music in the kryn dynasty would be very cyclical and repetitive in form to symbolize the idea that life is a continuous thing (at least those who are consecuted right right) and is a cycle across lifetimes and yeah
#court rambambles#cr#critical role#kryn dynasty#finishing up my religions class and i've used the last two topics to research non-western music because hi music major western music gets#super fucking boring. and i've been having a Blast listening to classical indian music. this shit slaps. i fucking LOVE music with drones.#but since this is a religions class obvs im researching in in the context of religion so I'm doing music in hinduism and this was something#brought up in like 2 sentences not even in a paper im using a a ref and it reminded me a lot of this and idk yknow. very neat.#ive been thinking a lot about fantasy music as well. okay like using western music and medieval western European music as inspo is fine and#dandy.#but like goodness guys there are so many other amazing cultures and styles and genres of music and subdivisions within cultures and i just.#im so amazed by them. give me that microtonal music give me these awesome instruments give me these great scales and rhythms and just. yes#if anyone comes from some non western European cultures and has neat traditional/folk/classical/whatever music and they want to share it my#dms and ask boxes are/should be open and stuff. please i just like learning about music across the world#*non western-european bc yknow eastern europe has unique things too#FOLLOW ME FOR MORE POSTS LIKE THIS WHERE I RAMBLE ABOUT MUSIC AND MY INTERESTS. SOMETIMES I EVEN POST ART AND TALK ABOUT MY OCS WHOAAAA#please talk to me about music i just really like music. it's not like im majoring in it at all. is it a smart idea in this economy with adh#wellll yknow
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cw: harry potter, jk rowling, transphobia
I occasionally see posts/get messages about the various harry potter references in the bright sessions, etc. and I've gotten a bunch of new followers recently so just so any new/younger listeners of my shows know:
jk rowling is a terrible transphobe whom I hold zero respect for and I haven't given a dime of my money to her since she revealed who she truly is. I want the whole bright universe to be a safe space for trans people (including the trans folks in our cast and crew!) and if I could go back and remove those references, I would. but I can't! harry potter was an extremely significant part of my life until...well, until it became very clear who she really was. it makes me so sad to think that folks might be finding TBS now and get thrown out of the story by these references, but just know that the people who made the show do not stand by jk, and that in many ways, the show is a product of its time.
#the bright sessions#harry potter#jk rowling#transphobia#I know there's PLENTY to say about the bigotry in the actual books and I think there's a lot of merit to those criticisms#and I'll own to choosing not to see some of that stuff before all this went down bc the books were meaningful to me#(this is not HP specific - another beloved childhood book series that was EVEN more formative to me growing up)#(is also something I've grappled with in recent years bc I think the author is actually probably wildly misogynistic)#(even though he's never behaved badly (far as I know) in his public life - there's stuff in the text)#BUT ANYWAY#it can be so hard to remember that we didn't have ANY inkling of her bigotry in this regard until 2018#all of the original run of TBS was written before that#and I'll admit I gave jk the benefit of the doubt in 2018 re: her liking that tweet! I wanted to give her a chance to learn and grow#and she did....not do that#but TAMA was written in that little grace period#and then a few references in TCT were taken out during recording bc june of 2020 was when she really started to go mask off#and so we were making changes in real time#we didn't know what to do about quidditch#bc we were like 'this is a sport that people play in college and it's just called that?'#'and it's already canon that caleb plays?'#and it wasn't called quadball yet#anyway not trying to make excuses!#just know that none of those references were put in with any malice#and I guess I *could* go back and rerecord all those lines and replace them#but I know enough about my original audio engineering to know that it woudl be VERY hard to make it sound natural#and idk I do think there's something to be said for not covering up errors in old work#I'm not going to try to pretend HP wasn't important to me#EDIT: I've turned off reblogs for this post#also this is not me trying to tell other people how to approach their own HP fandom#fanworks especially - there's no benefiting jo in that - and I think it's totally legit for ppl to want to take HP as their own!
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So... Deadlands but make it a Guild?
Putting it under read more because there's a lot.
So given the Deadlands characters have very little backstory we are headcannoning a lot here. Bare with me.
Edie, I imagine as a rouge (was torn with bard), who uses her sweet charms to get the information she needs. Picks up shifts in taverns in exchange for a roof for a few days.
Garnet is just Prudance 2.0. Since we don't know much of backstory, I can imagine her being a reserved magic user who does not talk about where her magic comes from, because lets be honest a less than savoury patron really doesn't go down well. (Also the idea of her having like a deck of many things, or where her patron picks the cards delt to deal damage would be fun)
Silas, I'm sorry this man is a barbarian. There is no other thing he could be, it's the unfiltered rage. Though I liked the idea of him duel wielding blades like his pistols. Also having miss matched armour to reflect he used to be someone important, the hints of his 'law man' image.
Nate, Okay so. Nate I struggled with. I'm thinking a paladin of some kind? Also I don't know how to translate, was at one point dead and now lives on alcohol and jerky, other than the common stereotype of Dwarves. So. Yeah. Sorry Nate. Though I do imagine him keeping his shirt as if it was something his late wife embroiderd for him and now it's too sentimental to get rid of so it's got patches holding it together.
Delacy, the idea of this relatively human party having a child half orc running around with them felt apt but also the level of humor of oxventure. Also Delacy being an unusually strong child also very good. I can imagine him being a fighter or some combat specific class.
If anyone has any better ideas, hit me up I'm not 100% on all of these, so please add your own to them.
#oxventure deadlands#oxventure guild#oxventure#my art#Fun Fact#I don't know alot about DND#Bare minimum you can learn from Oxventure Adventure Zone and D20#So we are rolling with like very little backstory and my very scraping the surface understanding of class systems#Also like#Just wanting to draw fantasy outfits#while the base outfits for Deadlands are pretty plain which given the setting of the show is to be expected so not a lot to go on#Also I think I've accidently made Silas look like an angry ZeRoyalViking... I think it's the hair#I think I'll be going back into hibernation again#but I have so many Oxventure related doodles I've just never posted or finished so maybe I'll get round to doing that eventually
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Mouthwashing is so prescient on discourse about inaction. So many people asking why Curly brushed aside Anya's fears and remained lenient with Jimmy. So many people asking why Swansea didn't immediately take action after the private convo in the cockpit.
And now, in real time, you can see people trying to defend both men. And I don't think this is done out of malice, or any intention to downplay the horror of Anya's situation. I think it's pretty human nature to want a better world, to want to soften the blow. There's so much we don't know (the timeline, the details of the convo, the actual nature of Curly's friendship with Jimmy, etc etc ad nauseam), so there is space to hope for a gentler moment, even if we all know the aftermath is unbearable and impact is imminent. We still want to believe things could be different, that things could be better. It doesn't change anything, but still. But still.
Maybe Anya had still held on to a little bit of hope, futile though it would have been. Maybe she didn't feel completely isolated the entire time. She was failed by both Curly and Swansea in every way that matters, but maybe she could have sat by them and not feel like her world had fully imploded. Maybe there were moments where the world allowed her to breathe.
Maybe Curly didn't know. Maybe he did try to keep Jimmy away from Anya. Maybe he was doing what he could, despite his desire to see the best in people (Jimmy). Maybe there wasn't enough time for him to even do anything. Maybe Swansea tried to step up afterwards. We don't know. We only see through the eyes of one man who only wanted to see the good in the world, and then through the eyes of one man who only saw himself.
And the game's prescience even about the end––wishing doesn't change anything. Anya dies putting away her conviction that your worst moments don't define you, that they don't make of you a monster. Daisuke dies having helped no one with his hope and sacrifice. Swansea dies filled with regret, having done nothing, protected no one. Curly watches till the end as his freeze reaction ensures he stays frozen, unable to act, to help.
Even Jimmy, wishing he was better, that he was a hero––and in the end, even Polle turns away from him.
#mouthwashing#full disclosure i also want to defend curly. i love curly. i get it.#but even if he DID try or if there WAS nothing he could do. what does that change?#i think a lot about the people who sided with someone who hurt me. not because they didn't care about me.#but because they didn't want to believe that that person was capable of being cruel. they didn't want me to have been hurt.#like i get it. i've been there on both sides. i get it. it's human nature#this discourse is important and fascinating but seeing it play out in fandom (which typically lacks nuance) makes me feel worse#like it's kinda making me spiral lol#for the record i don't think curly was prioritizing jimmy in the convo where he learns anya is pregnant#i think he was shocked and panicking and he had no idea what to do except that he couldn't allow violence of any kind to happen#and what else is a gun but a tool of violence?#his ''i can fix this'' is a plea for time to think. which he legit was not given (unlike jimmy)#i genuinely disagree that by that point he would have sided with jimmy. even unconsciously#i think he was just completely taken aback and fell back onto his stock phrase (i can fix this). it's just such a curly thing to think#that things CAN get better. but also that he's scared that things CAN get worse. and he's scared his actions WILL make things worse#and he was right. things could be better. but he made things worse. inaction is also an action.#meta thoughts#fragmentaries
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we talk a lot about how current kids, teenagers, and parents never learned internet safety in this age of social media, but i think we also gotta be honest with ourselves that most of us, adults on the internet who participate in fandom, never really learned how to engage with young people without setting them up for disaster.
might be weird to say it like this, but it's important to leave people how you met them or better. like hiking or going to a nature reserve. if you are regularly talking to people on the internet, especially teenagers, you need to consider whether your behavior with them is how another, shittier person would take advantage of them, because you have no real way of protecting them if that happens. like if you're going into discords and saying 'hey i'm mom! let me help you with your homework and irl issues. also please feel free to vent to me if you have any mental health issues or problems at home" you have to understand that the next person who says that to them may be leaving out the end of their plan; "that would make you easier to abuse."
sometimes you have to say "you seem fun and have a lot of great ideas but you are also 15, so if you wanna talk fandom, here are the boundaries we're going to follow, because these are the boundaries other adults should be following with you." or just refuse to talk to kids.
you decide what your responsibility, is but what you can't do is build an illegal fire pit on the hiking trail, if you catch my drift.
#the last post i reblogged reminded me of my longstanding vendetta against fandom parents#and while i've held this opinion for years i think i can finally verbalize it in a way that makes sense?#dont get people used to red flags!!!! do not be the reason someone things red flags are normal!!!#this is not to say you can never be friends intergenerationally. just that like...#a lot of friendships i was in as a kid were like lightening. fast and strong and over quickly#and what i learned was that it was fine to progress to very personal details quickly.#dont be lightening. be a hiker. keep a reasonable speed and dont be afraid to say 'you're walking very quickly on an unknown path. slow dow#also just. to be clear. i dont think this is a personal failing i see this as a consequence of all of US having INSANE relationships too#like many of us are still struggling to figure out boundaries with IRL people after that.#and trying to do right by the young people we see in the same shoes now is a daunting and confusing task with which we can only do our best
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I just started a new semester, and I'm finally getting the chance to take Malayalam, which I've been trying to do since my undergrad. This is obviously a very exciting development, and it's so delightful to be in a language class again for the first time in ages, but it's also been a very unique experience as far as language classes go. First of all, for me, who is generally used to having very odd personal connections to a language and being the overachieving linguist of the class. And second of all because it's just a very different experience to be in a class largely oriented towards heritage learners and people with some cultural familiarity.
There are five people in the class. Of those five, four have Malayalee family and have had some exposure to Malayalam throughout our lives; the last person is a native speaker of another non-Dravidian South Asian language. Of the four of us who are Malayalee, I'm basically the only one who didn't have a significant amount of Malayalam at home growing up. What this means is that we've spent very little time on the phonetics of the language, because everyone roughly knows how to pronounce it - something which wouldn't be true if there were non-South Asian in the class! (It was a bit comforting to hear all the other Malayalees struggling with aspirated consonants, which have constantly been the bane of my existence, and then to hear the instructor say that few people pronounce them right in spoken Malayalam anyways.) The instructor could ask us to say things on the first day, and the more fluent speakers could say them. There is already Malayalam being mixed in with the instruction. I'm sure by the end of the semester we'll be having extended conversations - especially since the two of us who don't speak have very concrete communicative desires for our outside lives.
It's also a very scary experience for me, personally. Or maybe scary isn't quite the right word, but I've always felt out of my depth in claiming Malayalee heritage - I've always felt that there were so many things which I didn't know which any normal Malayalee would. There is no evidence that this is true, at least insofar as that my cousins with two Malayalee parents have wildly varying experiences and I'm not actually that far outside the norm. In most American spaces, I will never be clocked as white, and most people usually immediately identify me as South Asian. Nonetheless, I know that when I visited Kerala this past December, I was decidedly foreign - to the two guys speaking in rapid-fire Malayalam on the flight from Qatar, to the person at the immigration counter in Trivandrum, even to my own relatives. Part of it is a mental block on my part, of feeling myself foreign and therefore never letting myself belong. Part of it is that I am, ultimately, American. But either way, in this class, I can feel that I'm the American in the room, even when I'm not, even when my pronunciation is just as good as the other Malayalees and there's nothing that's telling me I can't belong. I keep freezing up when asked to say real things, or when people speak to me, because there's some unreachable standard in my brain of Not A Real Malayalee, and everything feels fraught and fragile. So maybe this semester will be about overcoming that.
It's still strange being in a language class where the instructor, on the first day, can look at you all and say, "You know why you're here, you want to be here, we all have a shared experience." But it's also a beautiful thing in its own way, and I'm really looking forward to taking on a language in this way. I love the structure and the logic of language, the puzzle of putting it together, the beauty of making friends in it and watching shows in it and listening to songs in it - but as I get older I find myself really reflecting on what it means to learn and to know a language. And sometimes those barriers to learning and to knowing are only in our minds, not in our worlds. Language is communication and connection, and I hope that Malayalam serves me to these two ends, even as it sometimes feels like a trial by fire at each word.
#it's really really lovely getting to study language again in a class setting i forgot how much i missed it#i've definitely been getting a lot more intentional about my language-learning in the last few years though#malayalam is always a challenge for me personally but i'm working on it and i think in that process it'll help me with other languages too#the more you dive into learning heritage languages though the more you realize that no one else feels like they're enough either#and there is beauty in that#anyways. i'll leave this at that. i do have some other malayalam material from my trip in december that i never posted#but we'll see if i ever manage to get around to that idk#malayalam:general
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