#and i cannot possibly believe anyone would think things about me in a positive light because negatives are all that there is to think about | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

etheriadearie · 1 year ago

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Hi! First of all, love your blog!! I have a question that I would love to hear your thoughts on - I love your analysis of catra and think so much of it is spot on. I love hearing about how much of her actions have come from a place of love for adora.. I was wondering what about the scene where she cuts adora off the cliff to presumably fall to her death? was she really in that moment ok with killing her? what do you think about Moments like that where we see the physical harm she is willing

Catra's long walk through darkness to being the light of Adora's life-

This is such an important moment so thanks for bringing it up. To put things simply, Catra believes she’s not killing Adora. In fact, I'm certain she KNOWS she isn't. How am I sure? Because what we’re seeing play out is something deeper, that is, in fact, magic... (meta to come, but first…)

Pictured: four times Catra encounters Etheria's magic- (Promise/Promise/Portal/Heart Part2)

Promise is the most important episode of SPOP prior to s5, it really has no equal. The fractured history of their relationship before we meet them in ep1 is revealed, and as such, the reasons Catra feels she must be apart- all while there are actually three forces acting upon both Catra and Adora. I hear about two of them, but what's the third?

I'd encourage anyone reading this meta to carefully listen as Catra makes Adora fall. Because what we're hearing is important. (feel free to do so now or later)

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🎶🎵 Do you hear it? 🎶🎵 Why does the music rise and then gloriously crescendo as Catra says her final goodbye?

The music rising here makes this an 🎶undeniably🎶 positive moment for Catra. This is -their- song, Promise, and it crescendos as Catra leaves Adora. So what's the deal?

Well, in short, it means that Catra leaving Adora is the right thing. How can that be. Well, Adora's willingness to sacrifice herself, and others, who she loves, to fulfill duty is wrong. Adora isn't becoming a hero like the Princesses and Light Hope tell her she is, she's walking into a millennia old trap. Catra has seen this behavior before, and Adora’s not choosing the strong path of a hero of love.

Adora’s false belief in duty means that she goes from fulfilling one manipulator's every wish, Shadow Weaver, to another when she gets the sword- the First Ones. And Catra knows in her gut that Adora is wrong, like she has been before. So, Catra -must- refuse to enable her any longer. In doing so, Catra is rightly asserting her own personal worth.

The narrative arc goes on to show us that in s1-4 Adora not a hero, and the reasons Catra is rejecting her during Promise are exactly why she's not on the true path of She-ra: By rejecting love, Adora cannot be a hero, she instead enacts a false form of false justice thats based in naive belief and others prejudices. This is why Catra wanted to go, because she’s seen it all before- where Adora rationalizes others' pain as part of her false duty, letting her anxious need to satisfy others control her.

Yes, the war is terrible, and Catra is directly involved in its cruelty. We should absolutely fault her for that. I'll of course talk about Adora's violence being similar, but Catra indeed rationalizes violence as necessary in a terribly biased way. Like many of you, I found her s4 portrayal hard to stomach and I didn't know if she could come back from who she seemed to have become. It took Nate Stevenson’s genius s5 for me to realize he had done something amazing with her and Adora’s arcs. Yet, in the subtext of the plot it's obvious that Catra shouldn't go with Adora, as well as that the war that they fight in s1-4 isn't quite what it seems... (more later)

In the most basic way possible, Catra would not want to go along with Adora considering her false behavior, but this is a decision reinforced by the power of magic, which we’ll discuss. Catra’s choices are rooted in survival always, (not in wanting power or proving herself, nuhuh) and the way Adora treated her was abandonment which encouraged the violence she was up against from their abuser. It's not surprising Catra would want to go her own way, and so the only way she sees for herself to survive is within the Horde. It's about survival, simply that.

And Adora, meanwhile, can't have her cake (trying to enact a false form of She-ra justice) and eat it too (have Catra’s love.) She feels loneliness where Catra used to be because of her own falseness that she’s acting out due to her traumas. Going on emotions alone there are good reasons for their separation, and both are wrong, but there's also a magical force here that's leading them both up to the true crescendo of Promise when Catra confesses her love…

But I digress, let's discuss the meaning of Promise, and the hidden magic behind what happens.

The 3 forces: two good, one "evil"

The first of the three forces acting on Catra and Adora in Promise is plain to see: the love which they have for each other, which ought to mean that they can heal their divide. But, as we know, their love is too fractured at this point to do so.

The next is our 'evil' force- Light Hope, who most people assume is controlling what they see in the Crystal Castle to manipulate and divide them towards the ends of enacting the First Ones plan of destroying Etheria. But, does this explanation really make sense, or does it lack something?

Why would Nate Stevenson have the music soar as Catra walks away from Adora if that were the case? Promise being so gloriously played as she does this makes this a positive moment for Catra, although melancholy, and not the moment of Light Hope's triumph in her dark plot. We don't hear this song played so gloriously again until s5 when Catra confesses her love, when the music reaches its true crescendo. Maybe the music here means that Catra mustn't go with Adora, for Adora’s own sake-?

This is what I mean by a third, mysterious and -magical- force, that's also acting on them, which is on the side of good, but is seeing the long game and trying to avert the larger disaster we see at the end of s4 when the weapon is activated- the evil First Ones plot nearly coming to fruition and destroying them all. This force gives Catra a push towards separating from Adora during Promise, where it is letting history play out so that Adora's falseness as its hero is exposed. This force is deep planetary magic...

The rising of the music is a hint its presence, but the direct evidence of it is seen during strange happenstances in Promise, which we’ll discuss, as well as further occurrences later on in the series. What this force is trying to accomplish is the halting of that evil plot, as that is paramount, and is working towards Adora developing into the hero of love she's supposed to be. Adora needs to have the strength of self to reject false manipulations and burdens, in order to defeat their true enemies all along- the First Ones and Horde Prime.

And, for Adora to confront her own wrong baises, Catra cannot enable her false rationalizations any more. So, the magic is acting on Catra, helping her to decide to go. It's not just her anger at Adora's rationalizing away her pain that's guiding Catra's decision to let Adora struggle alone as a false hero, the magic tells her that she's right. If Adora can't see how she's wrong, like how she didn't know Shadow Weaver continued to torture Catra, then being apart is what’s right for Catra and also what will enable Adora to come to terms with her own weaknesses. All of which needs to happen for Adora to realize the path of the hero of love, and for them to come back together in the end and win with the power of love.

This force guiding Catra is the deep magic of Etheria, the magic of love.

Razz describes magic as a source of beauty and of good, which cannot be controlled, it just is.

It is love, as well as the beautiful diversity of life, it is its own innate force- and love is more powerful than anything in the universe. Loving is perhaps the greatest thing we can do during our lives…

And, as we first see Catradora in episode 1, there's hardly any love, especially from Adora back to Catra. After all, Adora rationalized and enabled their abusers actions. Catra, in contrast, was still doing her best to love Adora as of ep1, to wake her from her anxious need to satisfy Shadow Weaver, to bring her back to love. But she had no way to reach her, because Adora had stopped listening to her long ago...

During Promise, Etheria's magic sees that Catradora is but a whisper of its potential, and it needs both of them to be strong by love. Adora may go on to learn to be a hero of love the hard way, making many mistakes with grave consequences, but Catra’s journey alone and the dark consequences of her actions will give her the wisdom she needs to be strong enough to be with Adora, who is the focus of over a millennia's of violence and deception. It's Catra who knows to double down on love, and by doing so is able to unlock Adora’s power of love that lets them win in the end.

But I digress- what does the guidance of this mysterious force look like, and what are its intentions?

The first uncanny moment of its intervention can be seen when Adora beings to fall and Catra catches her:

The way the plot has Catra so casually in position to catch Adora feels unnatural. That's because, as we’re watching this scene, Catra is in no position to save Adora, having distanced herself from Adora because she was pestering Catra about why she returned the sword, aggravating her.

Catra so illogically being out of place to save her here is a hint that there's something else going on. It's as if Catra knew Adora would fall before it happens…

This is what I mean by guiding force, because I believe this is exactly what we're seeing- where it's Etheria’s magic guiding this moment, not Light Hope. It sets a trust fall moment for them. And we can see how Adora doesn't get it:

We know in canon that Catra always loved Adora (also, Catra's tail flirt at the end ☺️), but the prejudiced viewpoint Adora shares here shows just how little she gets it. Like how she didn't know Catra continued to be tortured by Shadow Weaver, like how she didn't know the Horde was evil before Glimmer berates and guilts her over it, yet Catra did. Adora is far too focused on duty and satisfying others unfair expectations to see the truth, it was true before she switched sides and it's true afterwards, and that’s how she's not on the true path of She-ra.

We're also seeing the thesis moment of Promise here, because the rest of the episode plays out to show us just how wrong Adora is. We see the memory of Catra being tortured and then treated with death threats by their abuser, how Adora came up short in standing up to Shadow Weaver, and then how she went on to break the promise she made to Catra in order to satisfy their abusers expectations. Adora has a naive belief in duty due to her trauma that's being exposed and which prevents her from being the true She-ra.

During this moment of Catra catching Adora it's not so much that Adora misstepped, than that the magic changed the ground to make sure Adora would start to fall- setting up the trust fall, of which Catra is given privileged knowledge is about to happen, that exposes Adora’s false mentality for us to see.

::I suspect Catra likely feels this coming like hearing a whisper in the back of her mind. It is the first of many guidances from the magic... how it happens doesn't really matter, as we see further evidence of interventions on their behalves later in the series. But in Promise, she will act on this whisper, which confirms to her that her feeling that Adora is misguided are justified, like she has seen Adora be before. Since Adora had closed herself off emotionally to any guidance Catra tries to give her at this point in the series, Catra will choose to go alone instead.

So, there really is no way Catra would be with Adora at this point in the series; hoping she’d be with her with Adora’s falseness as a friend is hoping for something that was simply not there. Catra, as the person who Adora stopped valuing with love, will (unconsciously) play the part of Adora’s foil in s1-4 that's needed to expose the weakness that makes her no hero of love. This is where Catra's needed, and Etheria knows Adora’s failure to trust in love will lead to her failing as Etheria's hero, something that must be corrected if the cycle of violence is to ever actually stop- as she goes on to do at the end of s5. It's guidance is a nudge in the direction of Catra leaving so Adora will learn how she's a false hero.

Adora really does have a problem with letting others misguide her, Light Hope of course but also Glimmer, who forces false burdens on her unthinkingly. Adora must instead choose love over false duty and burdens, because love is what can guide her hero's journey and will make her strong enough to overcome the really difficult things that history is asking of her. Catra will help her do this gladly in s5, but don't make the mistake of assuming Adora in s1 was capable of accepting Catra's love and advice, she’s blocked it off from herself with her anxious trauma guided beliefs. In truth, Adora needed to change for the better just as much as Catra did.

Now, I realize that this theory may be hard to accept, because it means Etheria stans the war, if only a bit. But, with how much is wrong with the war, such as the prejudices the Princesses show while further being ignorant of how they're part of a First Ones weapon, there are no easy solutions to fixing this. Etheria needs them all to be stronger, but to be strong they must choose that strength for themselves- the strength of love, it cannot tell them what to do. Doing that produces no real strength.

They must learn- the hard way: Catra and Adora must choose to value love by their own will, but that doesn't mean Etheria isn't going to remain idle when so many seek to manipulate and destroy them, especially such as with Adora, who is the focus of Light Hope and the First Ones plots.

It's acting on them both here, but as it just so happens, there's another time the magic guides Catra during Promise-

The next time we see Etheria guiding Catra is as she watches Adora make the promise to her child self that was broken, and then Catra's child self stops to look back at Catra, her eyes full of meaning:

Catra's child self's actions here isn't a memory, it's an addition, one added by Etheria as it tries to communicate to Catra the gravity of Adora’s misguided behavior. I really can't accept the idea that Light Hope produced this moment, because she's not some perfect abuser. There is way too much nuanced emotion occurring.

Etheria’s magic, on the other hand, is a living thing- even if not human, it intimately understands love as a powerful force that exists in nature, and it's telling Catra to not enable Adora's false heroes path any longer. Not when she values love so little as to give in to prejudice and allow others ignorant and/or self centered narratives to guide her.

Their real enemies- the First Ones and Horde Prime, will be able to exploit Adora’s fragile guilt complex against her- by accepting the sword, she stepped into their trap. Because of that, in s1-4 a thousand years of manipulations are right on track to give the First Ones what they want- destroying Etheria, something that can only be stopped once and for all if Adora accepts her true self, her loving heart that makes her the hero of love. And Catra, while the Horde IS wrong, is providing the proving grounds needed for Adora to develop her own hero's way by allowing a false conflict to continue.

Adora remains misguided all the way until s4, when she starts to trust her own feelings, laying the groundwork for being the true She-ra we see in s5. It really does take her this long to do this, she really turns the corner on it for the better when she voices total rejection of the First Ones control in s4 as she smashes the sword, instead speaking her own mantra based on love. And, this rejection of the roles made for her by others happens in large part because of Catra’s unwillingness to accept Adora as someone who enacts naive and false justice. Even if it's hard to watch, Catra refusing to enable Adora was correct.

::As Catra's child self looks at her, magic is trying to tell Catra that following Adora now would mean nothing would ever actually get better, and that her behavior will result in further disaster. Catra decides then that following Adora would be the wrong thing to do...

::So no: Catra isn't trying to kill Adora at all, or even at any point in the series. We can take her words at the Battle of Brightmoon, that she knew Adora wouldn't die, to heart. Not that it's also easy to see how she knows that they are inside a simulation, and that on some level none of it is real, and that she therefore knows Adora is not in real danger if she falls.

But, Catra can feel that something else is trying to tell her that Adora is wrong, confirming her suspicions that Adora is on a false path once again. This force is Etheria’s magic, and it will guide her yet again...

That's the short answer, but we should talk about the other evidence of Etheria’s guidance and it's implications. Next up in our journey: the Portal episodes.

Later Evidence of Catra's connection to Etheria’s magic

Etheria’s next guidance happens during the Portal event, when all hope seems lost and Etheria is vanishing towards non-existence. The veil that separates magic and reality thins, and because of it, we get Corrupted Catra, returned from death instead infused with knowledge gifted by Etheria’s magic about She-ra’s of past to teach Adora that she is playing into the First Ones trap, read the full meta here if confused, or here's a handy summary:

As the world is collapsing into nonexistence, Etheria’s magic takes this opportunity to give Catra all of the knowledge she could ever desire that Adora and the Princesses are on a false path that’s naive, ignorant, and will lead to the fruition of the evil plans made for them by the First Ones, as well as giving Catra the whole history behind She-ra and the wrongness that’s allowed this to come to pass.

In s4 Catra at first takes this given knowledge to mean she must pursue renewed war against the Princesses, as well as against her abuser, >whom they are harboring<, before realizing her knowledge of the history of events leading to this wrongness means she’s in a unique position to help Adora overcome it all during s5- for the sake of love and survival. Probably a discussion for another time, so I digress.

The final major whisper happens in s5 while Adora is dying in the Heart chamber. As she is slipping towards death having given in to despair, Catra is able to save her by sharing the dream with her with Etheria’s help: it links their consciousnesses together. Read the full meta above if confused, or quickly here:

This isn't a random vision Adora has, they both see it and it's the personification of Catra’s love brought to life with some help from Etheria’s magic, to show Adora what she has to live for. It's magic, and yeah it's tapping into Adora's own repressed feelings as well as Catra's, and it can do so because while the Heart may be a machine, the magic inside it isn't- it has its own living consciousness and it understands what their love means. Etheria itself powers this moment, it is their biggest shipper- it helps them win in the end!

To conclude; each time it has an opportunity to act, like it does during Promise (because they are inside a simulation), the magic of love does so to help and guide Catra. And, by association, Adora. It's with Catra’s guidance that Adora is strong enough to absorb the Heart and win, as Catra is the one who brings Adora back to the power of love. Catradora love is so powerful that it can save the universe, but by theory, it doesn't happen without a little help from the wisdom of Etheria magic- and its innate knowledge of the power of love.

This masterful level of narrative arc is something I'm certain Nate Stevenson is capable of. And so, Adora and Catra aren't apart to make the plot work, it's a necessary part of Etheria’s magic guiding them towards the power of love, and helping them towards correcting the systematic wrongs of their world once and for all. While that equals Catra being on the wrong side of history, her resistance is part of proving to Adora how she is wrong as a hero. It was necessary.

But aside from that, let's talk about how Catra uses violence, since this AMA directly brings it up-

SPOP is a great show where there's a lot going on behind the scenes. Because of that, I think people tend to make up assumptions to fill in gaps they can't yet figure out. It's only natural, but one way I feel a lot of SPOP fans go wrong is when they suggest that Catra enjoys and seeks violence.

That's not really true- the data doesn't back it up. For example, Catra always holds back from killing. It's true in every fight, it's true like a dozen times over while she has Adora captured and at her mercy, but let's talk about the one time Catra had every reason to feel justified in killing.

This would be in s4 when Hordak comes after her. There's no doubt Hordak has deadly intent, to maim or to kill her, so it makes total sense that Catra would justify killing out of self defense. But instead, she goes to elaborate lengths to make Hordak land the final blow upon himself.

Catra sets him up to be done in by his own anger- he damages the forge equipment which crushes him while trying to kill her. So, even at the point of extreme personal peril, while Catra knocks him into the path of the falling equipment, she's making sure her own hands are clean. She really abhors killing- and she's fighting in control, always.

Therefore, any time we assume Catra is trying to kill is suspect of our own prejudices. She chooses not to, that's a line she chooses not to cross. I can say personally as someone that had to win fights brutally to protect my life and sanity, that I did have pride in winning those fights. That's what you're seeing on Catra's face. But, I can also tell you that everything about actual fighting disgusted me, and Catra is the same.

Catra grew up in a system where the violence was always going to come for her, fighting back was necessary and right. I can't empathize enough how being in such a position changes your outlook on life, and if you didn't experience her situation, you might not understand her. And yes indeed, as time goes on, Catra’s reliance on fighting does run out of control, so much so that it leads to her losing conscious control over it, such as shocking Entrapta and opening the Portal. But to that, let me say, in how Catra felt threatened by her abuser at that moment, it's surprising she didn't snap *sooner*- everyone has a breaking point, and after careful watching, I'm certain Catra considers that moment her greatest failure.

But hey, what fun is a meta without comparing her to her counterpart? What we actually see is that when put under pressure, Adora loses all control over her emotions and lashes out. This is in addition to how she’s self destructive, as we all know.

Adora does, in canon, almost kill Catra multiple times. I'm not even going to discuss Legend of the Fire Princess, you can read a discussion here. Instead, let's look at the Battle of Brightmoon.

How is it so easy for Catra to make Adora lose all control?

In part this difference in fighting with control comes from how Catra grew up under mortal danger from their abuser, she learned to be prepared to defend herself, either physically, or mentally against torture. She became hyper vigilant, and learned where the line between life and death stands, as well as her own breaking points. She learned how to act so she could hide her emotions, she sees bad things coming from miles away, and she prepares for them. When she leaves Adora in Promise, she can tell Adora is being manipulated yet again, reason enough to not follow her.

Adora, in contrast, was the target of the manipulations and the teacher's pet, and as such was supposed to win every contest, so she was treated that way by her teammates. At the moment she finds the sword, Adora is a person who’s never actually been in a fight, she doesn't know how to control her fear or her anger. Everything she's done was a training exercise. So, her emotions run out of control all the time.

All Catra had to do to make her snap was play on her guilt complex and fear of failing, something Shadow Weaver instilled in her to make her die for sacrifice, yet Catra can't stop herself from seeing Adora as being weak for giving in to it. It is indeed a weakness, and meanwhile, when Adora left she passed total judgment against everyone in her old life on the word of a manipulative computer program. She fails to try to understand them and goes on to try to win the war against them through extreme violence alone, she does this not out of some great moral clarity- she does it mostly out of guilt over how Glimmer and Angella make her feel bad about it- yet Glimmer is one the most flawed and prejudiced characters we see.

Adora is failing that critical test, and her behavior mirrors a lot of irl behavior we see in people who claim and want to be good but end up hurting others because of their naive understanding of what good actually is. Also, remember that Catra does come full circle in s5 to see how Adora was hurt in order to be controlled by guilt, and helps her get past it. She's the one person who can really get through to Adora on this matter. Catra is the only person who ever really tries to put the brakes on Adora’s need to anxiously satisfy others, not going along with her was part of this, and in s5 she insists that Adora stops doing it yet again.

Catra continues to object to Adora's misguided choices in s5, and she deserves praise for this, even if in the past she refused to go with Adora and fought the war instead. Adora’s behavior has to stop sometime, yes she laid the groundwork for it in s4 such as developing her mantra and smashing the sword, but we see how she's still not past what her abuser did to her in her decisions in s5. It'll take Catra's help to break past this, which we'll discuss more below.

So when it comes to violence we're supposed to consider this dichotomy: of Adora's unstable mentality and Catra's careful application of force. Nate is playing our presumptions against us by doing so, and asking us to look deeper. Because, when we investigate violence, we see it's actually Catra who can meter her violence to the situation, and it's Adora who's violence runs out of control. Catra uses violence precisely, usually as a tool for survival, she doesn't enjoy it. These are fights that were always going to come for her and she's not running from them. During s1-4, Catra is very deliberate with her choices, you can't really say the same about Adora.

Final thoughts: Catra's understanding of survival is what's most important to saving Adora's life-

Ultimately, Catra's arc is about love and not this magic, of course. And in this a big part of her arc is about convincing Adora not to die- Catra, who refused to die all along, must be strong enough to help Adora survive- by showing her how the choice of living is stronger than sacrificing to fulfill her (false) burdens.

We watch along as Catra goes through trauma and learns to faces it head on, she comes to terms with in a way that Adora couldn't... as the focus of a millennia long scheme meant to make her fail. Catra's relationship with trauma, and her experiences of nearly letting herself get killed because of those traumas, allows her to be a guide for Adora in s5 and her help is what powers Adora's final transformation.

This is something the magic helps her to do- because what it's doing is giving her the truth behind it all, so that she can be free to choose love. 😎 Yet, her s1 choice to survive, and to be apart from Adora who endangers her, is not the wrong choice, because, in fact, surviving will be Catra's most important lesson to Adora while she saves her.

Which is to say that we ought to recognize Catra's choosing survival, as opposed to Adora's acceptance of martyrdom, as a form of strength, even if she's working for the wrong side. A lot of what Catra does is inarguably wrong but she's also right about a lot- she's right that Adora betrays love and can seemingly rationalize any act in the name of corrupted duty, Catra barely survives Adora trying to literally kill her multiple times- and no, Catra doesn't ever try to kill her in return.

And Adora chose to rationalize it all in the name of She-ra not out of some great moral calling, but out of an anxious need to satifify others which their abuser instilled in her in order to control her. Catra knows all this and is right to assert that Adora's attempts at being She-ra in s1-4 won't 'fix' anything... and that she'd just continue to get hurt if she went with Adora. So, Catra puts being with Adora on pause and does what she feels she must do to persist- before rejoining Adora in s5 once their most dangerous enemy discovers them all, and helps Adora to chose survival, too.

Adora's view point, in short, is self defeating and pretty nihilistic, whereas Catra's really isn't- she is trying to live when everyone else, Adora included, seems to want her dead.

You cannot really be selfish in demanding to live- life is sacred, and Catra has respect for her sacred right to live that we all have. If people tell you to die for the narrative, as Adora tries to do, what's right is to reject it. Catra is the one who tells Adora not to die because she understands this fundamental truth. Catra shows that sometimes violently rejecting other people's control, if they're trying to kill you, is what's right. And yes, she does take it too far in s1-4, but it's all part of the story of how she surivies long enough to get past her trauma in order to be able to help Adora in s5.

Her understanding of survival is so important to share with Adora because that's where she's strongest yet Adora is weakest... It's also true that Catra understands love much better than Adora, we see that in her love confession, but her telling Adora she's got her love to live for isn't all she does to save her. She also instructs Adora on the wisdom of what it means to fight while respecting your own right to live. Catra, who was told by Shadow Weaver that her life had no value and should just give up and die, knows very well what it means to fight while never giving up.

Catra's words "you've never given up on anything, not even on me" are so important because she's telling Adora not to die like her enemies want her to do, while simultaneously paying respect to Adora's newfound heroic path, telling Adora that she believes in the hero Adora's trying to be. In this moment, Catra knows Adora must chose her right to live, that which is her sacred right, or they are all doomed, and that Adora isn't seeing that choice as the fundamental right that it is. She knows Adora is expecting to sacrifice herself, which she's doing out of guilt.

Catra's words instead help to show Adora how not giving up fundamental right to life is the right choice- she starts by acknowledging how Adora is fighting for the right reasons- such as her mentioning that Adora never gave up on her and returned to save her from Horde Prime- a decision shows that Adora is a true hero. A true hero does not rationalize away someone's death as necessary when they know the person about to die has goodness in them, Adora saw that truth behind Catra's actions, so her rescuing Catra was right. It was a breakthrough moment for Adora, nevermind that she needed to save Catra for the sake of the love they had for each other before Shadow Weaver tried to break each of them...

But, if you know you're fighting for the right reasons, then you must insist on living to prove it through your actions- you can't die to noble sacrifice. Because operating under that belief is a form of weakness. Adora's constantly doing this means she's inherently weak, and all while the world that Adora wants, one that's right and just, can come true- but only if Adora chooses to survive in order to prove it. She has to continue being She-ra. Survival is necessary, because without it there can be no better tomorrows. It's not wrong to want to survive.

So with these words Catra is telling Adora to survive- Catra survived many close calls with death leading up to this moment so that she can tell Adora how to not to give up and die. Through her experience of surviving, Catra finds a way to save Adora from her own self defeating beliefs.

Catra in s5 is a person who's prepared to be her better self- she's processed her trauma to get past it, and is seeing that survival cannot be the only answer to living, you've also got to have something to live for. And that's loving Adora. So after all of that, Catra is not going to let Adora fail, falling to the self destructive habits their abuser instilled in her, and instead shows Adora the way past it all. As the person in the relationship that who's processed her trauma. You have worth. We all have worth! And believing that isn't selfish.

So, it had to be both things, not just Catra telling Adora she's in love with her and she's got that to live for. Adora also has to choose to survive.

So there was no simple answer because of the depth of the problems facing Etheria. They are being lead by princesses who are naive, self involved and ignorant- something Adora blindly devotes herself to. Catra refusing to go along with Adora is a big part of her getting past that misguided framework to be a real hero who can save the universe and stop the cycles of violence for good. And ,if Catra had gone with her? It almost certainly would have resulted in the destruction of Etheria when Light Hope manipulated Adora into activating the heart while having no idea of the consequences. No simple answers- because the princesses are not right in their ways, never mind that the Horde brang war upon them.

The strength of Catra's belief in choosing survival is what leads her to being able to guide Adora past her self destructive nature to save the universe.

When Catra kisses her thus imbuing her with he power of love, we see Adora transformed into someone fundamentally stronger, she's the embodiment of goddess lesbian power that we love. Why Adora becomes so much more powerful is because she is now fighting with an understanding of both parts of what it means to fight from a true position of strength:

To fight while insisting on your sacred right to live,

And to fight with something to live for and the belief that your morals are good and must go forward. Only when you do both can you be your most powerful- you have to have enough respect for yourself to believe you deserve to live!

Adora understood the second point to a degree, but not the first. She was never going to be a complete hero without Catra showing her how to value herself. Now knowing both lessons, Adora is a stronger She-ra than any before her- and is one that can stop the cycle of violence for good.

Catra's story as a message to people like us who survived-

In s5, what we're seeing is a fully emotionally realized Catra, a person who has matured and surpassed her traumas and has gained the wisdom and clarity needed to save Adora, by sharing these hard learned lessons with her. And, we only get to see a fully realized Adora after Catra shares these truths with her- an Adora who can finally step past the trauma thinking their abuser instilled in her.

S5 Catra proves to us that she's this person over and over, she's reclaimed that she must trust in love, yet I still see people doubt her. People sometimes say Catra's transformation in s5 was rushed, but it really wasn't- if you consider how after Etheria's magic showed her the dark truth behind it all, then Catra was in a position to choose the better path- after going through the worst and seeing the truth for what it is. This is her therapy- it's the truth that she's shown by Etheria that gives her the choice to see past her trauma.

Catra's story is a tribute to knowing that if you're in a dark place where you've been hurt like Catra was- know that not giving up is what's right, know that you have a scared right to live, and that your abusers are wrong. Keep fighting, keep believing. Sometimes that fighting will get ugly. But, this attitude she shares with Adora, of never giving up, it allows her to be the all powerful lesbian goddess we love her as. Nate is telling us to not give up- through Catra's story and further showing us how this wise and mature Catra has the strength to help Adora past her trauma as well. He's also telling us to not give up on love. It's one of the most brilliant narrative arcs of all time!

Trust in Catra! Trust in your sacred right to living! Huzzah!

But we're not done explaining Catra's actions, are we? Let's talk about the wrongness of war she's leading on Etheria...

Yes, war is always wrong, but here's what I meant earlier when I said the war on Etheria isn't quite what we expect-

It is, I believe, the canonical truth that Catra did not preside over a army that was committing genocide- one of the most common criticisms of SPOP. But, how is it possible this story is different from the other war stories we're been constantly fed (such as ATLA)? Simply put: it's because Hordak's army had no need to commit genocide.

Do you really think Nate would wants us to skip over this catching point? No, instead Nate decided to cleverly sidestep this issue.

In SPOP, there's never any direct evidence of Hordak's army doing as such, yet we're shown in all explicitness that Horde Prime and the First Ones ARE genocidal. Who were the real enemies all along. That's important. Why Hordak's army doesn't gun down civilians is because the villagers in SPOP never fight in the war, they never ever raise arms against him. It's the Princesses who fight, and furthermore this is reinforced when we see that most of the anger the villagers voice is directed towards the Princesses, not the Horde.

Genocide is mostly motivated out of two factors- one: hatred and racism- let's just say that simply doesn't exist on Etheria. But the second reason is to remove the others side ability to fight back- if everyone's dead, there can be no uprisings. But, the villagers never fight. So, Hordak's army had no need of shoot-to-kill orders.

Contrast this to Horde Prime and the First Ones explicit genocidal intentions, add in the villagers anger not being directed at the Horde but instead at the Princesses for abandoning them to war, and you've got the full story behind how the war was being fought.

Assuming Hordak's army was gunning down civilians is instead a presumption carried over from other stories, but Nate set us up to expect that then subverted the expectation by showing no such thing- and by showing the real enemies explicit genocidal thinking, was asking us to look deeper. SPOP is a show which subverts our presumptions at every turn in order to make a better story. This certainly doesn't absolve Catra of being wrong, but I think we should understand that she's wasn't directing a genocide- I don't think she was capable of doing that.

Catra actions are in no way perfect and we're not supposed to think they are, but I really think Nate intentionally did this so that this catching point would not detract from the overall narrative:

Which is to say that the way Adora tries to be She-ra in s1-4 was never going to 'fix' anything, she's a proof of the flawed heroes stories we saw too often growing up. Victory would be miraculous and not explained, always dues ex machina, and unsatisfying. In SPOP, Adora goes through actual character growth to become the person who can change the world, and she doesn't do it alone. Catra's love is what shows her the way to be better, and it's not easily earned or miraculously given- they struggle to understand and accept each other. And that makes for a much more satisfying conclusion, with a kiss that's so believable that I don't expect to see a more meaningful kiss in media for the rest of my life. Thank you, Nate.

Thanks for reading. I hope I did an ok job discussing a very sensitive topic. This has been the hardest thing I've ever written.

::psps: this isn't the tell all for this theory, it could probably use its own discussion post so let me know your questions.

If you enjoyed it, let me know with a like and please pass it along with a reblogg if you can! We writers really appreciate them most of all because of how tumblr works! Thanks a ton.

Thanks again,

-EtheriaDearie

PS:S: Happy Pride and Nimona release tomorrow!! Yay!! 🏳️‍🌈🥳

#she ra #she ra and the princesses of power #spop #catradora #she ra meta #catra #wlw

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jedimasterbailey · 1 year ago

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Hey baby 😘 for the Jedi ask game I am going to focus on the most popular misunderstood Jedi that deserve all the love (sorry for the bombardment dear 🤣):

Mace: 14, 33, 41, 42

Luminara: 31, 34, 35, 45

Barriss: 30, 32, 36, 47

Mace 💜

14-How does Mace like to meditate?

I feel like Mace LOVES to mediate with others even though he can meditate alone just fine. He also comes off as plant guy to me, so I feel Mace’s favorite spot is in the Temple gardens with his Padawan Depa and later Caleb, but Mace wouldn’t turn anyone away, he would even let Anakin mediate with him if the man gave him a chance. Given his position within the Order and his fighting style (being able to channel dark side energy without giving into it), Mace is under a lot of stress at times so being around others be it loved ones or others, puts his mind and spirit at ease and I find that to be a beautiful thing. Most Jedi see Mace as an open and caring man instead of the intimidating Master others may see.

33-If Mace was able to survive Order 66, how would he live?

Mace would most definitely get the hell away from Coruscant as soon as he can and as far as he can. With all that’s happened, Mace would know he cannot take on the rising Empire alone especially wounded so he would need to flee and recoup somewhere safe until he can get back on his feet. I don’t believe he would return to his homeworld for obvious reasons, Mace would want to charter to some backwater planet where he can lay low and avoid Imperial attention. I don’t believe Mace would be want to be an active Jedi for a while because trauma, but he like Obi-Wan would do what he can to survive until he makes peace with what’s happened. I can see this going one of two ways. Either Mace lives a comfortable life of solitude helping out when he can or he could became a part of the Path and aid other surviving Jedi and Force sensitives in time of need, passing on his wisdom, possibly reuniting with Kanan in the process.

41-Is Mace more of a droid person or a critter person?

Mace seems to be a guy that’s all about life and with that comes critters. He would definitely be the dad that lets Depa bring in all the stray Tooka cats, birds, etc. because he enjoy taking care of things and being around animals help him relax like his plants.

42-What’s something Mace will never forget?

Okay I’m going to give a happy answer to this and a sad answer to this. I’ll start with the sad one to get it out of the way; I don’t believe Mace will ever forget the fact that if he had followed through in killing Dooku, that things could have ended differently. Maybe the Clone Wars would not have started that day and so many Jedi would still be alive. If you’ve ever read the Legends book “Shatterpoint”, you’d know that Mace constantly beats himself up over his decision to spare Dooku due to personal feelings. As for the happy one, I believe Mace could never forget all the milestones of his little girl (Depa) growing up from Padawan, to Knighthood, to making her a member of the Council, and to meeting his grand Padawan Caleb.

Luminara 💚

31-A Jedi Luminara looks up to the most?

Obi-Wan Kenobi 💙 I think Luminara would be in awe of someone who has dealt with so much tragedy in his life yet still chooses the light. Despite losing his Master and witnessing his death, taking on a Padawan when he wasn’t ready, losing his old flame, etc. Obi-Wan stays true to his Jedi ways and I believe that would inspire Luminara to do the same since she will inevitably deal with tragedy later. We don’t know anything about Luminara’s past, but given we don’t know who her Master was for sure, it’s safe to say that Luminara may have already faced grief and suffering in her past and perhaps leaned on Obi-Wan during those times only for her to return the favor. I would also say that Anakin isn’t far from being number one to her either since Luminara does openly praise him and trust him despite teasing him on his recklessness. I think she respects Anakin’s unorthodox way of thinking when she herself can’t think of another solution.

34-Luminara’s favorite food.

SWEETS! Luminara will never turn down a pastry, candy, etc. because she has the biggest sweet tooth and always has. You will always catch her eating a chocolate croissant or something with her morning coffee and she will always have her dessert after dinner. Barriss picks up on the habit as well because those two women need just has much sugar as they do caffeine to get through the days 😅

35-Luminara’s drink of choice.

A chai tea latte, hot or iced depending on the weather. Given the amount of stress Luminara is constantly under, she needs her caffeine (like Barriss only I headcanon her to be a huge coffee drinker) but she’s a classy lady that turns to tea more than coffee plus she loves some spice in her drink. Not to mention she can’t get drunk often so better to stay safe. Barriss knows that after a long day of work, that her Master loves to decompress with her chai and her Padawan will happily fetch that drink for her at the local space Starbucks anytime.

45-How was Luminara brought to the temple to become a Jedi?

I like to believe another Mirialan woman, possibly Master Katri (who I also headcanon to be Luminara’s Jedi Master) discovered baby Luminara on their homeworld of Mirial by chance as if the Force pulled them together. I also love the idea of Luminara possibly hailing from a very affluent family (like Dooku) or perhaps even Mirialan royalty of some sort but they happily give her to Katri as being a Jedi is a huge honor in Mirialan culture.

Barriss 💙

30-Her most embarrassing moment.

During a mission with Ahsoka and their respective Masters, Barriss gets caught by both Luminara and Anakin kissing Ahsoka in a closet or something. Anakin starts to laugh whilst Luminara is all stoic (even though she is trying so hard not to laugh and rub it in Barriss’s that she knew along) and is like “sorry to interrupt Padawan, carry on.” causing Barriss to blush real hard and almost faint this Ahsoka has to calm her down and reassure her everything is alright 🤣

32-Her thoughts on flying.

I don’t believe Barriss would have much of an opinion on flying. She can do it but she’s not obsessed with it nor does she hate it. To Barriss, flying is just getting from point A to point B and that’s that. She most definitely wouldn’t be pulling stunts like Anakin or Ahsoka because as a healer safety comes first 👍🏻

36-Her guilty pleasure.

Reality holotv, Barriss needs something to remind her that her life while traumatic and chaotic isn’t nearly as bad as others.

47-Her best quote.

I can’t remember which Medstar book it was but Barriss was explaining Jedi philosophy to one of the doctors she was working with and this particular quote made me love her all the more 💙

“A Jedi’s strength doesn’t come from her lightsaber but rather the strength of her heart.”

This quote has me feeling all the feelings for multiple reasons. One, it perfectly captures what it means to be a Jedi. It’s not about power, it’s about inner strength. Two, again with Barriss’s role as a teenage war hero and medic, she really does have to dig deep to find her courage in order to help people in disastrous situations. It’s not easy, but she does it and I find that kind of bravery beautiful. Three this quote just speaks to me on a personal level as I’ve dealt with plenty of traumas and tragedies in my real life but somehow I find a way through even when I want to give up. Barriss is an inspiration and she must have gotten that wisdom from somewhere either from Luminara herself or someone else in her Jedi family 💙💚

Original Jedi Ask Game Questions

#love you wife of mine 💚💙#devondeal 💚💙#barriss offee #obi wan kenobi #luminara unduli #ahsoka tano #anakin skywalker #mace windu #jedi ask game #star wars ask game #ask game #pro jedi #jedi #jedi order #star wars #the clone wars

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clits-and-clips · 8 months ago

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Hey…as someone who has been in a similar position I truly believe you have to give it time and sad to say…cease contact for while. I know dude…it seems impossible it seems scary probably gut wrenching, but your health comes first. If you’re worried about time honestly fuck time. Everyone heals in their own way not everyone bounces back immediately. Not everyone handles situations the same and that’s okay.

You don’t even have to go cold turkey on communication. I always say to myself work with the issues instead of against it. Slowly kind of weening off also is a valid option.

I know the fact that it feels like it’s hurting you more than him and yeah that shit stings man. But again you have to take care of yourself. Even if you’re shitting crying and shaking it will become more bearable. Yes you will have these days and again THATS OKAY!! Regressing is part of the process of healing just try your hardest not to dwell and stay active.

It took me almost a year or two to get over that bond I had with my ex, attachment as well. Even though the thought of him moving on still kinda makes me feel a way, but I’ve realized it’s more so I’m afraid of being left behind stuck in the same place while possibly he flourishes in life. There are differences in our situation so I can only speak so much, but a lot of what you’re going through emotionally wise I get it man.

Like rn it’s hard for me to be social and have relationships with people because I’m scared honestly lol. Even platonically. At this point, I’m just taking this time to get to know myself and pay more attention to my hobbies. I’m also trying to force myself to do more things alone and volunteer places like community gardens and pantries. I’m not even there to make connection with people. if I do, cool, but It’s more so exposure therapy for me lol.

You got this man. Always give yourself, patience, grace and kindness. That’s my mantra lately lol.

I know I’m just a stranger but I do care. I don’t ever want anyone to feel this way.

Stay well and busy chief 🫡

Not talking to him at all has been difficult and I haven't managed to do it except for one day so far. I've been going up and down so much and just cannot accept that it's over. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I never thought we would ever break up so it's fucking hard. I do worry if I dont give him space and stop messaging that I'm going to push him away tho. The only way to stop that from happening is to focus on me which I'm trying so so hard to do, but none of it seems worth it which I've said before. I feel stupid cause I've said all of this before and I can't stop going on a loop at this point.

I appreciate the message and I will try and keep it in mind. I know I'll move on eventually but right now it's not what i want. All I think about is mending it and being with him again but I think its hurting me more than I'd like to admit. No matter how many times people and family tell me I need to accept it I just can't. And I know it takes effort to focus on the good and time and space to make it happen but I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I have no friends to hang out with to take my mind off it, no job to go to every day, and as much as I'd like to get a job I have struggled so hard with my anxiety it just seems impossible. Anyway thank you again I appreciate it♡♡

#ask #anon #fml haha i must be so annoooyyyiiinnnggg

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panserval26 · 6 months ago

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There's a Reason for My Fear of Attics

Nobody is truly fearless, that is something I learned early on in my life. When it comes to myself, I have three major fears. I have a healthy fear of heights, and a less healthy fear of spiders. But there is one fear that has the other two pale in comparison, it is a fear that leaves me paralyzed whenever I see them, and that fear is attics. I have a good reason for all of my fears, but my reason for having a bitter hatred for attics is a lot deeper than any of you would think. But, with that being said, let me tell you my reasoning.

Attics have always had this eerie vibe to me, even basements tend to unnerve me at times. I remember when my fear really started, and it was in March of 2019. I was living with my dad at the time, the house we lived in was built in the 1970s more than likely. In the day time, it had a feeling of peace and serenity to it. But when it came to the nighttime, it turned into a hellish landscape. The house as a whole had an unnaturally creepy feeling to it at night, but the fear I felt in my own bedroom was on a completely different level.

The room had old carpeted floor and aging plain white painted walls, and this room also had a huge closet and a decent sized bathroom in it. But it had one more thing in it, an attic. Everything about this attic creeped me out, from the worn-out wooden ladder to the dark miniature space in the attic room itself. I always got a bad or even haunting vibe walking under it every time, and I think I was right to feel this way.

At some point during that March, I was home alone talking to a friend of mine with my dog lying next to me on the couch. I cannot recall what we were discussing, I believe it was about the possibility of us hanging out and getting drunk at some point in the future. But what I can recall is the noise, a loud noise. I remember my dog started going berserk, barking at the wall above us both. I calmed her down, and went to go check out the attic. I look back at this and fully regret this decision.

I proceeded to pull on the attic rope and pulled down the ladder, I then walked on this ladder and my phone light on and at full power. I looked around the room and noticed something, a box had been knocked over and the glass in it completely shattered and all over the place. I thought it fell possibly because the box wasn’t positioned right on top of the other box it was previously on, but I wanted to see if I could find out exactly what caused it. I panned across the room with my phone light, and I found the answer.

My light had shown on the middle of the room. And at that moment I noticed that something was crawling on all fours towards me fast, I yelled “oh shit!” and accidentally tripped on the ladder and fell down to the ground on my right shoulder. A little boy then quickly crawled down the ladder, looked at me sternly, and then ran out my front door. I knew my shoulder was hurting badly from the fall, but that problem seemed minor at that moment. After a few minutes, I got up and closed the attic and closed and locked the door. I didn’t sleep that night, I don’t think anyone would blame me for that. But ever since that night, I don’t go near attics anymore.

#horror stories #original story

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srthealing · 1 year ago

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Distance Healing with SRT

So, what is Distance Healing? And How does it work?

Distance healing is good energy "sent across time and space". The facilitation is with intention to release all negative aspects created by an individual to experience in this physical plane. The healing energy given does have a healing effect on any recipient who are open to receive or to some people who have fear to receive too. Energy does not judge and I don’t judge either. Basically, anyone who has fear of distance healing or with SRT modality has what we term Self-punishment program.

Individuals who have fear of distance healing energies can benefit from SRT sessions via this way in releasing the fears. Where does the fear come from then? From Subconscious programs by someone or conscious thoughts created by you of course. I assure you it is not your soul or Spirit.

Therefore, you do not have to be physically present with the healing practitioner facilitating the work. It may be done over the phone at a convenient time agreed upon between you and the practitioner (me). Another way is for you(client) and me to communicate via email on situations to release for good which I will find a suitable time for the work to be done.

Distance healing with SRT system is as effective as face to face therapy session because the alternative energy healing work relases junks from the mental-emotional-spiritual -physical components a person by accessing the individual’s akashic records and spiritual contracts. The system is used to access information easily from anywhere and at any time hence does not require you to be physically present with me.

Can time and space affect distance healing work?.....Is time and space real?

There is common knowledge heard by you as below:

“Healing takes some time”…

”I need time to heal from a broken heart”…

Time and space from this bad experience will heal me”

Here’s a kicker for you: Time and space cannot actually heal. (Mankind made time and space part of the process to heal from the thinking that it does)

The common perception is an archetypal time and space in living this physical world is the reality.

So, the experiences you have had in this physical world that we call “realities” are mostly governed, influenced or determined by the perceptions or beliefs that time and space is real, permanent and moves in one direction-forward.

Those perception, in particular of time, is one of the things that keeps us pretty rooted in the physical world and yet at the same time may also cause limitation to our ability in experiencing instant healings and to manifest changes.

You would have heard “Time is required" or “Reality is illusive” or “The good happens in no time” once in awhile – yes?

This illusion exists only because we have believed it to be true or real and serves a good purpose—it keeps us grounded in the physical world experience which is right where we need to be to live and go about our daily activities. But at the same time, this perception imprinted can limit us from a greater understanding and experiencing of life with greater positive possibilities.

The wonderful good news is that like many beliefs, this illusion of time and space can be transcended or altered at will with correct information for understanding.

Please read through Disclaimer and other information before deciding to make an appointment with me.

Thank you. Blessings, love and light

*Kim

#distancehealing #healing #transform #transformyourlife

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eggcats · 2 years ago

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one thing that gets me is that the more "high tech" ghost hunting equipment I see, the more "proof" I'm given, the more im positive it's almost entirely bullshit, I just become more of a shaniac the more "evidence" I see

which is an insane take from someone who's had legitimate experiences I can't explain (which isn't to say there ISN'T an explanation, but other than it being possible mental illness and occasional hallucinations, I don't know what it could be other than possibly paranormal)

I should be the easiest motherfucker to fool how did we even get to this point

And yet? Any time anyone tells ME anything I'm immediately like have you checked your carbon monoxide detector? Is the building structurally sound?, bc if it's not that also causes hallucinations. It's just a spec of dust or the house shifting or sleep paralysis or etc. I barely believe MY OWN experiences.

Ghosts aren't scary, y'know what is? Someone secretly living in your house. Any random who decides they wanna kill you. Living people. Ghosts are just invisible freeloaders who don't pay rent (assuming they even exist). They can't just stab me in the middle of the night like a human can.

(I've actually had some scary sleep paralysis experiences too but those I'm aware of what that is. Didn't make them any less scary tho.)

(long list of experiences after the readmore. I'm honestly making this post more so I can just talk about them tbh)

I've had:

moving shadows in my house

one was a full grown man shape, about 6+ feet tall running down the hallway that I could see from my bedroom. I just went "huh. Not my problem." And went back to listening to my radio

another was like, a huge tail-like shape just fucking swinging on the wall when I walked into the desk room at like 3am, and I even checked the light switch to make sure it wasn't causing a weird shadow, it wasn't, there wasn't anything that could have caused it (also the shadow was like, pitch black) so then I was like "huh. Not dealing with that" and turned out the light, turned around, walked down the hallway to my bedroom and climbed into my bed and went to sleep

saw literal floating orbs MORE THAN ONCE

one was on Halloween when my friends and I were hanging out at a graveyard (a moving floating orange one)

the other way me walking downstairs at night and hitting/walking into this huge bright blue blinding light that disappeared once I turned a real light on

had stuff constantly changing positions in my room

(that I explicitly asked my mom if she moved, the only person to enter my room other than me, and she was like "no? why would I do that?")

- one was a fucking nesting doll that KEPT TURNING AROUND TO FACE ME DESPITE ME FACING IT TO THE WALL WHENEVER I NOTICED IT MOVED...I kept it bc my aunt bought it for me from China so it was special even if it was possessed.

Sidenote: my brain HATES anything human-like with eyes, I will become CONVINCED it's following me I cannot handle the uncanny valley of it. That's only related bc that's the only reason I regularly turned it around, I didn't want it looking at me.

another memorable one was my huge cardboard dragon model that somehow got in my loft bed from my bookshelf, a feat it could absolutely not have gotten there without help

had some presence enter my college dorm room when I had a dorm to myself, and y'know how you can kind of feel when people walk behind you? I felt that as I was napping before class, and like I said, my roommate had moved out absolutely no one had keys to my room and it startled me enough it straight up woke me up. I think I had a few other experiences, but that was the most notable one

one time my cat woke me up bc he was chirping intently at the corner of a wall at like 2am. I looked. There was nothing there. So I sat down and looked at it and went "hey it's 2am can you stop bothering my cat so I can sleep?" and then suddenly my cat calmed down. So I went back to sleep.

more than once I'd turn off the kitchen light and I'd HEAR the light switch hit and it'd turn back on. likely faulty wiring but it was freaky to turn the lights off, sit down, and have them turn back on

I couldn't take a NAP on the beanbag chair under my bed without it feeling like something was grabbing me from my body

whenever I'd force myself back into myself (one time I straight up heard a voice go "you NEED to wake up" before I even could do so), and wake up FREAKED OUT, I'd be hit with this sense of "oh it was fine, you're So Tired go back to sleep" that just didn't feel natural, like it wasn't coming from me and was overpowering my actual reaction

Like, I'd suddenly feel exhausted (almost unnaturally so?) where if I didn't force myself to get up off the floor RIGHT THEN, I'd go right back to this half-asleep state and the feeling of being forced from by body would be much quicker this time

It felt like a kind of full-body tingle on the places I'd be yanked from by body, except it wasn't my arm going to sleep or anything bc it'd be on the side I Wasn't sleeping on, and would progressively get further down the more I was yanked

(if I was actually tired and fell legitimately asleep nothing happened, so I'd only sleep on the beanbag chair under my bed when I wanted to nap for a few hours, and not just doze)

Speaking of that spot - more than once I've heard a noise from there that I couldn't identify the cause of. It's possible I had some auditory hallucinations, but considering everything else it'd freak me out to hear a voice or a knock or something that like, was intentional and I couldn't identify what caused it.

I only had the "removed from my body" IN my bed once but it was way scarier

I was snoozing/relaxing during summer break late morning in bed, reading Shonen Jump, and got hit with such exhaustion that I suddenly couldn't stay awake - like, I Was fine a second ago, and now suddenly I'm almost passed out, can barely keep my eyes open

So I was like, okay I'll go back to sleep. And then???? I hear someone washing their hands in the bathroom down the hall??? And THEN I hear them walk down the hall towards my room, and the entire time I hear the approach I'm hit with an overwhelming sense of fear/dread - like I knew somehow it wasn't an intruder, but instead something paranormal? In a way I knew my only defense was to pretend I was still asleep

And suddenly I feel something grab me and lift me directly up into the air, and then forward, like incredibly fast?

(and listen, I was like an early teenager filled with indoctrination. I thought this was the second coming. I started praying, lmao. But! It seemed to have worked bc suddenly the thing dragging me moved SO MUCH MORE QUICKLY and I'm fucking DROPPED back into my body. Like, I legitimately think I moved when I re-entered it was so violent)

And I KNOW y'all are going to say I was asleep or something, but listen. I was absolutely awake. It was a CONSCIOUS EFFORT on my end to keep my eyes closed and PRETEND I was still asleep. I straight up waited a few minutes after I got back into my body before opening my eyes I was so freaked. I did NOT want to see whatever it was and I didn't want IT to know I was conscious.

I straight up agreed to go with my aunt and grandma to go swimming like they wanted me to. And I absolutely hated doing stuff like that. It just scared me so badly I didn't want to be home alone anymore.

and is, to THIS DAY, convinced my cat was possessed by something that I had to exorcise

listen. I know it sounds insane. Trust me. My cat's eyes were pitch black (not normal night cat eyes, like pure black), he glared at me in a "is THAT the best you can do" way when I flicked him on the nose for biting me, he bit me when I petted him (he does NOT bite unless you're handing him treats), and then when I "exorcised" it bc I was pissed it DARED to mess with my cat he was so exhausted he snuggled with me near my chest for about 10 minutes, and he HATES sleeping there (after he moved back to my feet where he normally sleeps)

If I had another explanation I'd give you one.

I should be susceptible to this shit, and yet you show me the ovilus and I'm like cool that's a scam

#in rambling but still #HOW DO I BARELY BELIEVE IN GHOSTS IM PRIME BELIEVER TERRITORY #long post #i feel like that comic relief character that's being haunted and there's so much evidence and they refuse to believe in ghosts #how did i see moving shadows and exorcised my cat and am still like yeah it's all bullshit #like ill agree that there's stuff i don't know #but at least 99% of evidence or experiences are bs #ill accept that 1% but honestly rather than ghosts its probably just science we dont understand yet #like all of human history

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sugarylawliet · 4 years ago

Note

In Death Note, you know the part where the L placed spy cams everywhere within Yagami’s house?

What if Light and his girlfriend start doing the deeds to look like normal hormones teens?

YES OMG i’ve actually thought of this before so i’m so glad someone requested it LMFAO

> warnings: swearing, smut, degradation, sir kink, kind of exhibition??

Light tossed his backpack onto his bed, loosening his red tie before collapsing onto the bed himself, letting his exhaustion express itself in the most natural way he thought possible. It’s hard to act natural when you’re being watched; you almost forget every aspect of your daily routine, putting excessive thought into typically mindless tasks like walking around your house or laying on your bed to the point of obviousness.

“Light, wanna play video games?” Ryuk asked, standing before the boy.

Light fell back onto his bed, placing his hands behind his shoulders with a deep sigh. Closing his eyes, he prepared for the performance he’d have to put on. How could he ignore Ryuk without giving off reactions to the shinigami’s words, tilts of the head or instinctive hums of agreement that could incriminate himself in a matter of seconds.

“You listening? Hello?”

Light only ignored him, grabbing a long beige coat from the closet before heading outside, Ryuk following close behind.

“Hey, Light, what’s with the brushing off? I’m starting to get annoyed.”

He popped his collar and rolled up his sleeves, checking meticulously for any bits of wire or chips of plastic that could be audio bugging him.

“Light! Hey!” Ryuk wined.

“There might be secret hidden cameras around the house,” The brunette broke the silence, his voice in a slightly raspy lowered tone, almost a whisper, “Or microphones, probably both.” He explained, going on to detail his clever methods of finding out if someone had been in his room- or if someone had opened his door, at least.

“Let’s go on a camera hunt! You got a plan after that?” Ryuk asks.

“Simple, make it seem like I have no idea the cameras are even there, and that I’m just a normal teenager. I’ll probably need some excuse for why I have that paper and lead in my door, they’ll want to know why I don’t want anyone in my room, what I’m hiding, and if the footage reveals I’m hiding absolutely nothing, that’ll look even more suspicious. Every teenager has secrets.”

“So what’ll you do?”

“You’ll see.”

_______________________________

“This feels objectifying, Yagami.”

You walk down the street leading to your boyfriend’s house, accompanied by the man himself as he explains his, quite frankly, pervy plan.

“Objectifying? We have sex all the time, Y/N.”

“Yeah, but nobody plans out when they’re gonna fuck. It’s just weird.”

“Hey,” Light stops walking, facing towards you as he gently lifts your chin with his thumb and index finger. The feeling made you melt, and he knew that very well. The way Light held your face and looked at you like you were the only thing on earth felt exhilarating, he could tell you anything in that position and you’d believe it. And that’s just what he does, constantly. “This is not an option, this isn’t personal business. This is about Kira. This is going to throw suspicion off me, okay? Do it. For me.”

You sighed deeply. He had you the moment he held your chin like that. “And there won’t be any explicit footage of us? There won’t be a camera like, right there?”

“I don’t know where all the cameras are, but there aren’t many like that in my room at all, we’ll be safe.” He lied, a practice that came so easily to him he no longer viewed it as morally wrong. It was just something he did, like going to school and eating dinner or doing homework, he also lied.

“Okay.” You agreed with a smile, prompting him to release his grasp on you and continue the walk home.

“I didn’t realize he went through such great lengths...might there be something in his room that he doesn’t want anyone to see?” Soichiro Yagami remarked, watching Light fiddle with the thin strip of paper in the doorway and the piece of lead in the hinges as you stood patiently behind him.

“Well, considering he’s 17, it isn’t all that unusual. I’ve done it myself, for no reason at all.” L responds, “I am a bit curious, though, as to what he’s hiding so admently.”

You enter Light’s bedroom with him, shutting the door behind you as you watch him toss his bag down besides his bed.

“Y/N, are you scared of me?” He turns to face you.

“Hm? Why would I be.”

“L, the best detective in the world, thinks I’m Kira when I’m not.”

Oh, Light.

“He makes me out to be some kind of monster,” He continues, “I’m worried you’ll start to believe him.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Maybe you should be.”

“Huh?”

Before you could register his comment, Light lunges for you, tossing you onto his bed before tickling your stomach and sides.

‘L-Light! St-stop! Please!” You cried between giggles.

“Make me.”

Understanding, you connect your lips to his, causing his hands to rub up and down where he previously tickled you. You moaned into the kiss as Light pushed harder into it, his desperation showing. You wished he would take his time, but you knew the real reason you were here. His hands slid down to your lower half, pushing his hand inside your pants and rubbing your clit through your panties. You gasped, hand reaching up to grab his wrist reflexively. He let out a chuckle.

Impatiently, he stood up straight, unbuttoning your pants before slipping them completely off along with your panties, leaving you in only your t-shirt on his bed.

“I figured,” L sighed, “You can close your eyes if you’d like, Yagami-san, but I’m afraid I need you here for legal purposes.”

Light crouched down onto the floor, lifting your legs to lay bent on his shoulders. Teasingly, he licked a line down your slit, earning a gasp from you. He straightened himself out again, moving towards your face. “L is watching,” He whispered, his hot breath on your ear, “Put on a show.” He smirked.

Watching? Had Light lied?

Light lowered himself back down to push his tongue inside you. His tongue wriggled around, exploring your walls with lust.

“Oh, Light” You moaned, slapping your hand over your mouth to muffle the sound. You knew L, you knew the whole task force for that matter. Your face flushed with embarrassment imagining any of them reviewing this footage and hearing your moans. Hell, Light’s dad worked with L, he could be watching for all you knew.

You jolted at the sudden sting of Light smacking your thigh with an open palm. “Don’t hold back, angel, and don’t cover your mouth. I want to hear all your pretty moans.” He said, removing himself from your core before pressing his lips almost to your ear again, lowering his voice to a whisper, “I want L to see how good I make you feel. Got it?”

You faintly nodded before he returned to your heat, dipping his tongue inside once again while his thumb felt your clit, rubbing it in circles. You knot your fingers through his brown hair, bringing his face closer to your pussy with a moan. He sped up his actions, practically abusing your clit while his tongue hit your g-spot, curling sightly upwords inside of you.

“Fuck, Light, I can’t, I’m gonna...”

With that, Light pulled away, leaving you edged and wanting more. You pouted, sticking your lip out with a whine. Light, having none of it, roughly raked his hand through your hair, forcing you up close to his face by your scalp. “You listen to me.” He growled, the heat of his breath warming your face, “No whining, and no disobeying. Got that?” He yanked your hair with the last syllable for emphasis. You let out a weak “Mhm.”

He shoved you to the bed chest-first by your hair, never letting his fingers leave your locks.

“Ass up.” He commanded, you obliged slowly, legs feeling a bit sore from him eating you out.

Hastily he unbuckled his belt before folding it in half, smacking your ass with it leaving a slight red mark. “When I tell you to do something, you do it quickly.”

“Yes Light.”

You yelped as he smacked you again with the belt in the same place, the stinging leaving your ass feel like it was burning.

“Yes who?” He asked.

“Yes sir.”

“Atta girl.” He pushed his khakis fully down before aligning himself with your entrance, rubbing his head up and down your slit teasingly.

“Sir please...” You begged.

“Please what? Say it.”

“Please, please fuck me sir. I want your cock, please.”

“Well, only since you asked so nicely.” Light slid himself into you with a groan. Slowly, he rocked himself into you.

“F-faster, please sir. Faster.” You moaned, gripping onto the sheets.

Light obliged right away, almost as if he was waiting for you to ask for it. He quicked his speed, pounding into you mercilessly. He licked his lips, relishing in the loud slew of moans and curses spilling from your mouth as he fucked you.

“Look at you, you fucking slut. Begging for me to go faster. You’re so goddamn desperate for my cock, you dirty whore.”

You couldn’t help but moan at his words, though degrading, the fact that Light liked you at all made you feel worth something. Light Yagami, Kira, the god of the new world, liked you. Though you’d never admit it to the stubborn boy, he could say almost anything to you, about you, and you’d still love him.

“Fuck, Y/N, you’re so tight.” He knotted his fingers back into your hair for stability as he thrusted into you even faster, burying himself deep into you.

“Oh my god, fuck, Light- sir, it’s so good.” You cried, feeling your orgasm creeping up once again. “I’m gonna...”

“Do it, come for me angel.” He encouraged, bringing his free hand up to play with your clit. The stimulation sent you over the edge. “Oh fuck, oh my god, fuck you feel so good.” You came loudly, only a little before Light did as well.

L watched Light collapsed beside you on the bed, only the sound of your breathless pants escaping the monitor. “Uh, they’re done, Yagami-san. You can...open your eyes again. Honestly, this security footage may be useless now, at the very least we cannot bring it to court, considering your son and his girlfriend are both 17. Perhaps this was his plan along.”

“You’re saying this makes you more sure he’s Kira?!” Soichiro raised his voice.

“Well, it definitely raises my suspicions.”

Light finally stood up, tucking himself back into his jeans. Before you could pull your bottoms back up, he picked up your panties from the floor, playfully spinning them around his index finger. “You won’t be missing these, will you?” He asks sarcastically, tossing them into the drawer in his bedside table.

“Ah, so that’s what he’s hiding. A valid excuse to not want family in your room but... unexpected, to say the least.” L remarked, still somehow watching the cameras.

#i feel like im bad at writing smut bye #consider this a present for light’s bday #light yagami x reader smut #light yagami x reader #death note #death note x reader #death note smut #L lawliet #light yagami

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pen-observing · 3 years ago

Text

request: how lucifer, mammon, satan, belphegor and diavolo react and find out about you having 'I now own your soul' under the terms and conditions of a webpage.

Lucifer:

While Lucifer is certainly busy all the time, and tries to balance it by having you in his study as he works, he can’t hide how tired he has actually been for the past 4 weeks.

All you know is that Diavolo has made the meetings more frequent and they are taking a toll on him

And since he means that much to you, regardless of if you wish to acknowledge it or not, you have to ask what is going on once he stands up and walks over to reach for another bottle from his shelf Lucifer does not drink that often and he certainly doesn’t try to avoid work by drinking.

Just what could be making him act this way?

“Lucifer, you have to tell me what is going on.”

He stands on his side of the desk just pouring another glass down.

Curse him for being elegant and showing his forearms while doing so!

And then he dares to look at you with full focus and furrowed eyebrows and he is about to say something and he looks like-

‘no. You are human.’

Fuck.

“Come on! You know I won’t tell anyone!”

He does trust you at least after so long.

"Very well. I will tell you since it has something to do with a human. If, by any chance, you spread the information, the price you pay will be a heavy one."

He can’t intimidate you that much but you know when he is serious.

"You see, recently, Diavolo has had more issues than ever with someone we like to call ‘code soul stealer"

“Uhn,, and that is?”

He takes a sip of his drink and holds the glass while looking at you.

“Apparently, a pesky human added ‘I now own your soul’ in their terms and conditions on a web page and some application. With this, they have stolen many souls and Diavolo has grown even more concerned these past few weeks since the page is just gaining popularity.”

Oh fuck, oh fuck. Thats you that he is calling a pesky human! You only did it as a joke because you saw a meme! It wasn’t supposed to make an enemy out of you to the prince of hell!

How are you supposed to tell Lucifer that? How will he react?

Maybe if you do tell him it will actually create more good than harm?

Or, you could hide it for the rest of your life and- no! The honest way with Lucifer is the best way. He trusts you enough so you have to trust him too!

“Lucifer...I am the pesky human you are referring to...”

He drops the glass.

“I swear I had no idea souls were actually real and now I own a lot of them! O-On the good side I went viral 4 weeks ago so...oh, that is why you’ve been so busy....sorry.”

Lucifer says nothing.

He just falls into the chair in the most dramatic way you’ve ever seen.

He covers his face with both hands and groans into them loudly.

If you were not ‘code soul stealer’ you would laugh at him right now. But he has to figure out a way to protect you now.

Mammon:

You see, dating Mammon means that you two will bicker plenty.

However, it is usually silly stuff that you bicker about like; are gold or silver lines better on this cup of tea or not?

He just loves you too much to get into a serious argument with you.

However, Levi dragged you both to play a spy/heist game that just came out and Mammon cannot accept to lose such a challenge.

He is not proud that people call him thief, but he is proud and believes he has the skills to back up his many enrichment-plans

So the fact that you won against him for 3 times in a row is UNNACCEPTABLE under this dark, dark sky.

Mammon denies it all. ‘i went easy on you’; ‘I did it cuz you are happy when you win’ and ‘please, don’t you know who I am? I am THE Mammon!”

And while he is cute while bickering, sometimes it becomes unbearable.

So, you do what any normal human would: you challenge him by listing your biggest ‘heist’ ever.

“You don’t know who you are talking to! I have created a heist unlike any other! I have stolen a million souls so far! The DevilTV refers to me as – unstoppable soul collector!”

Levi left long ago so Mammon is standing there completely stunned with the stupidest look on his face so far. He kind of looks like a blowfish.

Still, he runs and puts a hand over your mouth and whispers:

“Don’t yell! We don’t want others to know that we run that business!”

Excuse him? Who is this –we- he speaks of?

“You will add your boyfriend to those plans, won’t you?”

Mammon will not let shock stand in the way of money or souls. You can explain to him how you managed that later but for now – just add him as your accomplice.

Satan:

You love your boyfriend.

You really, really do.

You love seeing him so excited and focused on finding clues to the newest Devildom mystery that you chose to let him have his fun by not telling him YOU were the one he was searching for.

And while you love him that much, you are about to ruin the whole game.

Why does he think it is appropriate to own 48 pairs of the same Sherlock Holmes outfit with THE UGLIEST MATCHING HATS YOU HAVE EVER LAID YOUR EYES ON.

First, he wore them in his ‘detective office’ only. Also known as the Lamentation house storage room for cleaning products. And that was fine, it was.

But then he started to wear them inside the house and in the garden. The saddest day was when a cat knocked the ugly hat off and ran away with it. Oh praise that cat! Praise the little paws!

However, he has gone too far.

He knows no bounds and shows no signs of stopping.

He started wearing the outfits OUTSIDE! In the middle of cobblestone paths of the main street while you were trying to have a nice date!

"Who knows where the soul snatching culprit could be hiding? I must wear this outfit everywhere to catch their clues. Trust me.”

That is it.

If one more iguana-looking-ass demon points their finger at you two and snickers as you walk past – he will have a rude wake up call.

How is it possible that he is trying to catch the culprit that is you but doesn’t pay any attention to you?

So, when you arrive home and he walks into the mop closet to add another unrelated photo to his crazy whiteboard as a clue – you tell him to sit down for a moment.

“Satan, honey, I have something to tell you about your soul snatching culprit.”

That definitely got his attention.

Finally! He is actually looking at you!

You lean down and gently kiss his head.

“I am the culprit you’re looking for. How does it feel to completely miss something right under your nose?”

He freezes up and throws a pen towards the whiteboard. It just bounces off and hits him in the back.

“You....you mean to tell me that,,, the biggest Devil Mystery TV phenomenon is ACTUALLY YOU?”

You are met with complete disbelief. Satan demands a detailed explanation on how you did it. He even tells you to use his whiteboard to retrace your steps!

...good luck...

Belphegor:

Will Belphegor ever actually publicly say that he has changed because of you? No.

Will he ever actually admit that to other brothers besides Beel when they’re talking in the late hours of the night in their room? Oh, absolutely not.

Will he tell you? Yes.

Yes but.. He will leave something out.

Sometimes Belphie looks at how you smile and remembers things that make him famous in this realm.

Yes, he is one of the most powerful demons and yes, he has a reputation of rebellion and the biggest steak of unattendance in RAD but

He is also a fairly famous scholar.

His papers and research are cited on the regular.

But when you smile and say a witty joke – he remembers that most of them focus around him proving just how dumb or naïve humans actually are.

But, you’re human and he hopes that you never see those.

Except that you do.

Because he is so famous it is no surprise that while looking for research papers to reference for your next assignment you saw his name while browsing through

And while you love him - you will not allow him to just diss the whole mankind.

So, you grab one of them from the library. Walk home, go to the attic while he is napping and open it up, putting it right on his face.

It takes a couple of seconds but he feels something is wrong and his hand reaches for it.

When he pulls it away, he is met with his thesis that was further developed from the seduction speech class assignment.

It sets it up as: ‘Seduction speech as a matter of blatant deception that humans always fall for but could never recreate.’

You are not even that mad at it to be honest.

But proving him wrong is always fun. And little does he know about your biggest secret ever.

“I will cut right to the chase and say – fix your bangs I want to see the way your eyes look when I tell you this!”

“I wonder who messed up my bangs with the academic paper in the first place?” is what he replies but his hand is already on his forehead.

“Whatever. Prepare to be amazed! I am the one the elders of the devildom are always ranting about on TV! Yes, I am the ‘pesky little human’ who is stealing away ‘edible’ souls! How is that for your thesis now? Is that not true deception?!”

He likes your smile still. You’re standing in front of the bed looking at him with sparkling eyes and clenched fists while striking a pose. It is silly really but he smiles.

Because you are.

And while he will ask you a bit more about that claim, he is just happy to know that maybe his next academic paper (which everyone eagerly awaits) will be tad more positive to your kind.

Diavolo:

You got an urgent call from Barbatos.

On the doorstep he told you that Diavolo needs you in his study.

What could you do that Barbatos can’t and will help Diavolo? Does such a thing even exist?

You walk inside of his office and are pretty sure Barbatos did not want to go inside because of the fact that a rat could be hiding under the mountain of papers that are all around the room.

Usually, Diavolo immediately stands up, lights up the room with his smile and stretches out his hands for a hug.

Now? He hears the doors open and looks at you with a weak smile while his head is resting on his elbows from behind the desk.

He has never looked worse.

“Barbatos said you called for me?”

You are unsure where to begin with this so you state a fact while thinking of questions to ask.

“He has? I have done no such thing?”

Great. Now both of you are confused.

“Can you tell me what is going on?”

Diavolo sighs and his smile is still nowhere to be seen.

“The elders have been so annoying lately. I understand that the biggest threat to the Devildom and everyone’s life here still has not been identified but there is nothing I can do except search!”

Just what threat is that? What could be making Diavolo so miserable?

“They keep comparing me to my father without actually offering any ways of fixing this!”

“I will try to offer some way if you tell me what the threat is!”

There you are, making a grand exclamation and promise while trying to avoid papers on the floor. Diavolo sighs again.

“A human is ruining our business! They somehow set up a page that allowed them to own souls by consent in some application under the terms and conditions. I mean, this has never happened before! Humans were never expected to think of that or have access to such means! And the name they used was fake. How am I supposed to find them and then burn them in the darkest pits of hell as the elders want me to?”

You stop trying to avoid the papers.

Did...did he just say darkest pits of hell? Did he just say the elders want YOU burned?!

How are you supposed to fix this? It was a fucking joke! You did not imagine this could ever happen!

“Diavolo you promised you would protect me no matter what, right?”

His eyes are serious when you say that. “Yes. I will. Is something amiss?”

“Diavolo.... I am the enemy your elders want to burn.. PLEASE DON’T LET THEM! MY SKIN JUST ADJUSTED TO THIS TEMPERATURE!”

Diavolo looks at you and laughs like never before. It is cute, it is childlike. His laugh finally lights up the room.

He thinks you are joking.

He thinks you are joking and abruptly stops once he realizes that you did not join in on the laugh.

You were just trying to crack a joke and make him feel better, right? There is no way that is true, right? But judging from your reaction he knows it is.

So, he grows serious once more.

He runs to embrace you.

“Please tell me you are willing to make a compromise because the elders do not care about how your skin adjusts to the temperature.”

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anika-ann · 2 years ago

Note

Hi, how are you doing? Just want to let you know that this is my first time sending you an ask. I love your energy here, been following you for a while. You're always so positive and supportive of other’s work. I love this about you💖

I love your writing so much. Fan would not be suffice to say how big supporter of your work i am. 💗 you created this awesome world for us, I'm grateful that you exist.

It might sound stupid but in your opinion what could be the places other than bed Steve would want to have sex with reader😉 is he the type who enjoys shower sex that continues on bed for the whole night? ��

Hey nonnie 🥰

I must admit, this took a turn I did NOT expect at all but I love it 😂💕

First of all, thank you for so much kind words and for reaching out 🥰 I makes me truly happy you feel like my energy here (as little of it as it seems to be lately) is positive! Call me naive, but I really like the idea of curating a friendly atmosphere here, because most of us I think are coming here to unwind and share our thoughts and creations, small or big, and it takes A LOT of time and energy and courage to give out a piece of art (a piece of you) out here... so let's hear it for those who do that 💕

I'm just delighted that you enjoy my work too 🥺 Hopefulyl it brings a smile to your face every once in a while 😘

As for the other thing... 😏

MATURE CONTENT UNDER CUT. Minors DNI.

Oooooh, I think Steve is a very much 'cannot keep hands to himself when the mood strikes for long' kind of guy.

But he's also respectful and makes sure his girl is comfortable - or at least comfortable with being uncomfortable. I'm not sure if this is a question about a specific 'reader', so I'll be focusing on Steve - and on a fem!reader (though some are possible for others too, I suppose).

Bed: This one is obvious to me. Be it sweet loving, worship-like kneeling at the altar of reader's body (if you catch my drift), he appreciates a bed, okay. That piece of furniture still offers a lot of possibilities.

Shower: I can see it, no prob, have written it before 😇 It wouldn't be like, let's go to shower and go at it - I imagine it could be after a mission, helping each other clean up and things going side-ways. It could be they are freezing after hours outside and they decide to warm up together, in more way than one.

Other than these things... like I said. Wandering hands.

If let's say the reader happens to be making breakfast in Steve's shirt only, you might as well wave a red flag in front of a bull. Steve has no qualms about alternative uses of a kitchen counter. I think he'd be big on domesticity and the combination of his girl in his/their kitchen in the morning, more so if wearing his clothes (hello possessivness) would drive him near feral (yup, I used that word).

Some days it be like that, that they simply won't make it as far as the bedroom. Steve doesn't only appreciate horizontal surfaces. He loves vertical ones too. That man enjoys hauling his lover up by the thigs and taking them against the wall. Or the door. Hell, maybe even a mirror, I mean, men they tend to be visual types - especially since our boy is an artist ✨

Combinations allowed. Just because they didn't amke it to the bed for teh first round doesn't mean they won't use the comfy matress for the second... or third... or-

That said, I believe him to be a private guy - filthy but private in this matter. He would tease about others hearing you two or seeing you, but he wouldn't proceed if there was a chance of anyone catching you in the act for real. Possibly only after, and that would be after he made sure you were... 'decent'.

Bonus: I can imagine some holiday lovin' in front of a fireplace 🥰 Steve would be very appreciative of the way light and shadows wrap his lover's body - artists' eye, again -and would enjoy just running his fingertips or lips over their skin, watching goosebumps rising to his loving (and teasing) touch.

There we go - I hope this works 💕 I had fun 🤭

Thank you again for reaching out, sweet😘

#reply #anika replies #LEMONS #SO MANY LEMONS #steve rogers headcanon I suppose #Steve Rogers headcanon #steve rogers x reader #sweet asks #asks

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my-darling-boy · 4 years ago

Note

Genuinely asking, isn't self-diagnose with a condition kind of dangerous? Because legitimizing self-diagnosing opens a door to many malicious people who would want to exploit the fact they can self-diagnose? And in turn, make the space of autistic people worse?

Was going to skip this, but I’m writing a LONG response because I’m VERY exhausted with the amount of misinformation I see on this “self dx is dangerous” take, so buckle up and allow me to info dump.

Recently, authentic_autism_advocacy, an Instagram account run by a supposed medically diagnosed autistic woman was discovered to be a non-autistic woman, Connie Manning, posing as a medically diagnosed autistic person to spread hate and anti-self diagnosing speech. In reality, she is a neurotypical mother who regularly uses her autistic son for clout; she also turned out to have a hand behind CalmWear, a brand of sensory compression products designed for disabled people. Not only had she been spewing hatred towards other autistic people, she had been accusing well known AFAB autistic tiktokers like beckspectrum of faking being autistic and threatening self diagnosed autistics and saying they are a danger to the community, and engaging in other incredibly discriminating behaviour. Yes, she herself was a neurotypical person posing as a medically diagnosed autistic to perpetuate hateful rhetoric about self diagnosed people and used her voice to speak OVER autistic folk for financial gain and exploitation of autistic people, including her own son. If you want to read this roller coaster of a story, an autistic person wrote an entire article on it with tons of screenshots and sources.

So let me make one thing clear to you.

The purpose of actually, genuinely self diagnosing is not done to attract attention or to parade around and exploit other autistic people. Self diagnosed autistic individuals have recognised due to difficult life circumstances, financial hardship, bigotry and stigma within the medical/legal world, being a minor, lack of insurance, lack of proper access to safe care facilities, being denied assessment due to incompetent or biased practitioners, and/or any other obstacle that they may temporarily or permanently be barred from diagnosis. Self diagnosis does NOT instantly mean a person is posing for clout, nor does it indicate a person is trying to wring money from assistance services or exploit other autistics. And nts who use self diagnose with intentions of harming the community? That’s NOT self diagnosis, that’s abuse of something meant to aid people blocked from medical care or financial means to that care. All we can do for autistic people, no matter who we perceive them to be, is treat them the same way we would any other autistic person. Because the moment you start deciding by your own book who deserves respect and who doesn’t, you’ll be on a slippery slope to locking out thousands of autistic people from the community. If it’s discovered a person like Connie is literally abusing the system of self dx to intentionally mislead the community, by all means, we must hold them accountable. But you cannot simply go about granting and revoking access from people just because someone lacks a diagnosis or doesn’t fit your idea of what being autistic looks like, especially if it’s based on stereotypes.

Moral of the story? Isn’t it ironic how anti-self dx people will 100% believe a user who claims to be medically diagnosed but shows no “written proof” of it, yet always demand written proof from a self dx person? It’s almost like even anti-self dx people can’t tell the difference between someone who is medically diagnosed autistic and someone who isn’t. Well, that’s because they can’t. While there might be common traits, autism has no set model, it is a spectrum, no autistic person is alike; Policing self diagnosed people about their self diagnosis isn’t a form of protecting the community. It’s a form of gatekeeping. If you find yourself granting instant acceptance, without asking for proof, to a person insisting they are medically diagnosed like this neurotyical mother, but then prohibit self dx people from entry entirely on the grounds of not showing proof of medical assessment, you are upholding a double standard. This is why policing autistic people’s diagnosis, self or not, is inherently useless.

So here’s the thing... instead of asking people to stop self diagnosing, what you should instead be asking yourself is, “Why do people self diagnose? What kind of medical system could possibly be in place where people feel they need to resort to self diagnosis rather than get an actual diagnosis?”

Well, it’s mainly common knowledge among most of the autistic community that diagnosis is NOT easy to come by.

One of the main reasons why people cannot get a diagnosis is due to financial/insurance reasons. It’s reasonable to estimate that by the end of 2020 almost 30 million Americans alone were without health insurance. I’ve heard costs out of pocket for an autism diagnosis are between $500-$6000. If a person or a family cannot afford health insurance—which by the way on average is around $5,400 a year for a single person and $13,800 for a family here—where are they supposed to pull out $6,000 to get screened?

You might be asking, “Well aren’t insurances supposed to cover disability?” Sure, there are options for disability care through health insurance—not even going to get into that—but like a lot of things in the US, this is a severely flawed system. A lot of private health insurance will stop or limit coverage for an autism diagnosis or assistance services once a person reaches 18 to 21 years old. In most states, coverage has a higher chance of being denied to autistic adults coming with the added age cap or ONLY covering ABA, an abusive, manipulative “therapy” used to force social compliance and trait suppression on autistic people. The fact that ABA, a conversion therapy, is covered, but little else, shows exactly what insurance companies think of autistic people: they’ll only cover us if we want to learn to be “normal”. This can leave many undiagnosed autistic adults who cannot afford analysis, insurance, or safe assistance services with nowhere to turn. If I was not on my parents’ insurance, there is NO WAY I would EVER be able to afford a diagnosis. I don’t have $2,000 lying around. The MONEY ALONE would prohibit me from getting a diagnosis, no matter how many autistic traits I presented.

When I was going through this system years ago to start a diagnosis, I was shocked to find no therapist within three hours of me was accepting adult patients. “Up to 18 only” their websites would say. And in the event I had found one (1) that accepted me as a then 20 year old with X insurance, and that person refused me diagnosis, I would be out of options unless I planned a 5 hour drive which may have also led me to another biased screener. A person seeking self financed assessment can waste thousands of dollars therapist hopping.

People will say, “Well I live in X place, and where I come from, it’s covered!” Well the reality is that everyone in the world does not live where you live. It’s not realistic to assume everyone is in the same position as you or your family to afford care or access the same resources as you. When you say, “Just go out and get a diagnosis! It’s not that hard!”, understand you are speaking from your personal vantage point where screening may be easily accessed or easily covered/is free OR you have no personal knowledge of what that process is like yourself.

The second thing that bars a ton of people from being diagnosed is the fact that when autism was first discovered, its research was HEAVILY centered on white, cis, heterosexual men. The idea that autistic people are ONLY cis, white, heterosexual men carries on to this day. If you are an outlier to this stereotype, your chances of being misdiagnosed with something else or refused diagnosis skyrocket because so-called “professionals” don’t know how to observe traits in any other person besides a cis, white, heterosexual man, and refuse/fail to recognise the endless ways in which a person can be autistic. ALL the time I hear how AFAB people will go in to get screened only to find out their screener does not believe AFAB people can be autistic, because yes, sexism and anti-lgbtq+ ideas play a huge role in the incredibly outdated diagnostic process, because autism is still believed to be an “AMAB only” thing. People report going into a therapists office and being asked questions like, “Do you like going outside? Do you like having friends?” and being told that if you agree with either of these, you cannot be autistic because criteria at some places is so backwards, you can’t even say you enjoy conversation without failing the test. Other things commonly heard during the analysis are screeners telling someone they are too smart/articulate to be autistic, gas lighting them by saying they are mistaking their symptoms for something else/making them up, telling a person they seem normal, dismissing clear autistic traits by saying they’re unique “superpowers”, or intentionally misdiagnosing a person as ADHD INSTEAD of autistic. People on social media have also pointed out what influences racism has on the diagnostic process as well and how lack of research and understanding of autistic POC contributes to under-diagnosis and stigma has only contributed to refusal of care and under-representation of POC in the disabled community, as one autistic Black woman points out on Instagram, “I found excellent articles that support and validate my feelings and experiences, but I could find no research on autistic Black people.” Additionally, because research has primarily been done on young men, this means anyone who is not a cis man and is over the age of 18 and is seeking a diagnosis has a much higher chance of not receiving one because screeners don’t understand how autistic traits may present differently in adults, especially since adults are very likely to mask. Some autism screeners are so against autism they have told clients they would only diagnosis a person autistic if it was their last resort to avoid “placing a burden on their shoulders”. These reasons are largely responsible for why autism is incredibly mis/under-diagnosed. This ask would be the length of a novel if I included every single type of discrimination and mistreatment during the evaluation process alone, but understand it can be incredibly biased, sexist, transphobic, racist, or just flat out ableist. And guess what? Though this process can take as little as a month to get sorted, that is rare. The assessment SHOULD be very short. But a lot of autistic people have reported their diagnosis took more than 2-4 years because of having to waste time, energy, and money hopping from therapist to therapist looking for someone to take them seriously, as many autistic people compiled on the actuallyautistictiktoks page on Instagram point out.

The last thing I want to touch on is this idea that people have that self diagnosing is dangerous. “What if someone self diagnoses and they take advantage of services that are meant for autistic people?” ...The Big Things you think I am going to take advantage of as a self diagnosed autistic person, like scholarship money for instance or SSDI, I do not have legal access to without a formal diagnosis. I cannot waltz into a law firm and ask for a $5,000 scholarship for autistic people without a diagnosis, because they WILL NOT give it to me!

Let me tell you some of things I’ve “cruelly taken advantage of” as a self diagnosed autistic person. I bought glasses with blue light protection, because screen and fluorescent lighting at work and even natural blue toned light from the sky lowers my threshold for some sensory input like noise and social interaction; wearing them to work everyday has improved my sensory thresholds incredibly. I’ve talked to my manager and told him I’m autistic and that I have a hard time understanding vague direction and may need to step away briefly on occasion to tend to a shutdown before a meltdown comes on at work; he had no problem with this. I use subtitles; sometimes I have trouble processing audio or reading facial expressions and tone, and being able to see the words displayed on the screen gives me a significantly better understanding of what I watch. All my life, I have been having meltdowns which I had mistaken for mental breakdowns or panic attacks and having access to resources that walked me through preventative methods and tips on what to do if I have one has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me. All my life, I was trying to deal with them thinking they were something else; becoming aware of this and accepting that they are in fact autistic meltdowns has helped me not only go through them, but has helped me redirect stims which at their worst previously had me hitting and clawing my arms, slapping my face, and even hitting my head. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait 4 years for a diagnosis to use resources I could be using to make my life more accessible right now!

People will say, “Oh well yeah, I don’t mean You are one of Those Types of self diagnosed autistic people, you clearly sound/look autistic, I’m talking about other people.” The thing is, there is no broad “sounding/looking autistic”, that’s stereotyping, and you can’t demand everyone who interacts with you show you their Autistic Card, because again, not everyone is able to be diagnosed, especially given the mistreatment and stigma present towards autistic people in the medical field! And what made you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “don’t seem autistic” to you? Why didn’t you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “seemed autistic” to you? By denying anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis resources they may very well need, you are denying assistance to thousands of people who are without means to be diagnosed. And I am SO tired of seeing comments online on self diagnosis posts that “people don’t know what they’re taking about” as if they know us personally, like are you me? Are you my doctor I’ve consulted? Did you watch me academically research and consult with other autistic people about being autistic for over 3 years? I’m tired of “well, one time a self diagnosed person laughed at my actually autistic diagnosed friend...so all self dx people are evil” because there is ZERO correlation between a person being self assessed and their behavior towards a non self assessed person. The fact both those arguments are in use whenever self dx comes up is yet another form of gatekeeping.

Self diagnosing autism is not begging for attention or Evil Criminal Money Funneling Schemes. It is a result of a deeply flawed medical and insurance system that has failed to give proper attention and care to those who need it, it is a result of resources not made available, of safe support systems not there for kids and adults alike. You want to talk about what’s truly dangerous? How the hate group Autism Speaks has been parading itself around since 2005 as an advocacy group for autistic people and has been misusing millions of dollars worth of donation money and promoting stigma and hatred around autistic people; no autistic members are present on their board. How Sia and her new film Music was nominated for 2 Golden Globes despite it replacing the original autistic actor with a neurotypical actor, using offensive stereotypes, and using the main autistic character as a prop, and featured an extremely dangerous bodily restraint scene on an autistic person having a meltdown in public and featured very insensitive content due to Sia’s lack of consulting with autistic people to make the film (spoilers in that article).

Instead of policing autistic people, whether they fit your idea of what an autistic person is or not, redirect your efforts and your energy to dismantling systems and holding others accountable for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about autistic people that are legitimately dangerous on such a scale that they have created insurmountable damage to the autistic community. But I guarantee you, worrying over whether your classmate is “faking it” will not do any justice to the decades worth of discrimination autistic people face still today.

I understand. You care about the community, you don’t want autistic people to be exploited or taken advantage of. I don’t want to be exploited and taken advantage of as an autistic person, and I don’t want that for others! But I also understand that when we self proclaim ourselves as judges of random autistic strangers on the internet or start accusing people of faking or demanding to see medical paperwork from people when the basis of our suspicions is “this person doesn’t look like my stereotyped view on how I think an autistic person should act”, THAT is when you really run into trouble. Because if you are allowed to deny self dx people entrance into the autistic community, what’s stopping you from thinking you have the power to deny ANYONE entrance into that community?

And there is power in self diagnosis for many autistic people. When the evaluation system is literally rigged to set you up for failure and put you through unnecessary hardship, self dx is a self affirming, empowering tool to take back control from a process designed to gaslight and crush you. The evaluation process was NOT formulated by an autistic person, nor was it made to be inclusive of all autistic people. Until the evaluation system in place for autistic people is safe, accessible, and free to ALL, you have EVERY right to self diagnose.

#like this isn’t even half of what I want to say #but I’m gonna stop cos this is So Long #no clowns in my inbox pls #long post #ableism #autism #actually autistic #ok to rb

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grewlikefancyflowers · 4 years ago

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JC’s deeply rooted resentment of WWX, JFM’s parenting, and the inevitability of the falling out of the ‘Yunmeng bros’.

In discussion of the breakdown of JC and WWX’s relationship, their falling out is often regarded as a mutual failing on both sides to properly communicate and maintain their relationship. I’m making the case here that their falling out was a foregone conclusion from the start, and in no part due to the actions of Wei Wuxian.

This is because YZY has instilled in JC the idea that JFM dislikes him, something he believes before WWX arrives in Lotus Pier, JC already feels inferior, thus as soon as potential competition for JFM’s attention comes along in the form of WWX, JC resents him, believes JFM prefers him, and looks for reasons to justify this.

Summarising their very first interactions - from chapter 71 - WWX arrives at LP, sees JC with his puppies and is so terrified that he refuses to come down from JFM’s arms the entire day. The second day, JFM gives JC’s puppies away.

Now, I would like to think that no one seriously believes that this is an act of favouritism, but I have seen this case being made so I just want to make clear that WWX is obviously traumatised by his previous interactions with dogs. After trying for a whole day to comfort WWX, with no success, JFM does not exactly have any other choice than to give the puppies away, WWX cannot be expected to live in constant terror in the place that is supposed to be his home.

Consequently, ‘This angered Jiang Cheng so much that he threw a big tantrum. No matter how much Jiang FengMian comforted him gently, telling him that they should ‘be good friends’, he refused to talk to Wei WuXian.’

JC’s reaction is fairly understandable for an 8 year old. JFM comforts JC, and does not treat him callously or dismiss him, however it takes several days until JC will even talk to WWX.

When JC does start to warm up to him, JFM thinks it’d be a good idea for them to have a sleepover, JC is on the ‘verge of agreeing’ to this, which JFM is overjoyed by - so much so that he picks WWX up.

This is not an example of favouritism, JFM doesn't repeatedly give affection to WWX and not JC, he holds him twice - the first instance being purely because WWX was too terrified to leave his arms, the second being this one. These are the only two times where JFM is described as being affectionate towards WWX, JC is still in the lead on this count. But JC interprets this as JFM preferring WWX.

This results in the JC shutting WWX out at night.

At that time, Wei WuXian didn’t know what Jiang Cheng was mad about at all. After a pause, he replied, “I didn’t steal anything. It’s Uncle Jiang who told me to sleep with you.”

Hearing that he was still bringing up his father, almost as if he was purposely showing off, Jiang Cheng’s eyes reddened as he yelled, “Go away! If I see you again, I’ll call a bunch of dogs to bite you!”

This is the important part - JC sees WWX in the worst possible light, and rarely thinks of WWX as a person outside of how he directly impacts JC - he concludes that WWX is purposefully antagonising him, this is a trend that continues well into adulthood.

Then, when WWX flees LP after JC threatens him with dogs, JYL tells JC to find people to help search for him. However,

‘If any other disciple or servant learned about this and told Jiang FengMian, after Jiang FengMian knew how he threw Wei WuXian’s sheets out and made him hurt his leg, Jiang FengMian would definitely dislike him even more. This was also why he only dared chase after them alone and didn’t get anyone else.’

JC has obviously behaved wrongly here, and JFM would be right to scold him for it, but JC interprets this as JFM disliking him. We haven’t seen anything to suggest that JFM actually dislikes JC, he always treats him quite gently, actually. But JC is already at the conclusion that JFM dislikes him, and twists events to suit this - if his dad scolds him for misbehaving, it’s because he dislikes him. This pattern repeats after the Xuanwu Cave arc too.

This is because Madam Yu has ingrained into him the idea that JFM dislikes him, because he’s her son. This has nothing to do with WWX - because both her and JC already believe that JFM dislikes JC prior to WWX’s arrival - she only sees him as additional fuel to use.

The only other person who mentions JFM supposedly treating WWX better than JC is JZX. I’m sure it's a coincidence that he’s the son of YZY’s best friend.

‘“Doesn’t he treat you better than treating his own child or something?”’

Note the ‘or something’, - JZX doesn’t seem to know this with certainty - he’s repeating what others have said, despite having visited Lotus Pier several times (as stated in ch.69), JZX hasn’t seen evidence for himself that JFM prefers WWX.

‘“Maybe I should’ve let you hit him, while I stand aside and watch. This way, Uncle Jiang might not need to come. Oh well, I really couldn’t hold back!”’

We know that WWX doesn’t see JFM as favouring him - so what does he mean by this? Well, LQR has had it out for WWX from the moment they met, and has already sent a letter to JFM complaining of his behaviour - at this point WWX doesn’t know that this results in them breaking the JZX/JYL engagement either, so he’s probably purely thinking that LQR summoned JFM to CR to discuss WWX’s repeated offenses. JC hasn’t done anything to invoke LQR’s ire (or rather, he’s gotten away with everything he has done), so WWX thinks that if JC fought JZX, it would not have been treated so seriously, compared to WWX, who has repeatedly misbehaved.

Contrary to fanon interpretation, WWX is not oblivious to other people’s feelings, he’s very empathetic, and additionally understands JC very well. He doesn’t see how JC is feeling here, because JC’s feelings are just so illogical...

‘Although it was only Wei WuXian’s casual words, he held mixed feelings, because he knew that this wasn’t a lie.

Jiang FengMian had never hurried to another sect in one day for anything related to him, no matter if the issue was good or bad, large or small.

Never.’

Once again, JC’s at the conclusion that JFM dislikes him, he twists events to support this. He’s looking at this scenario very strangely - JFM didn’t rush to CR because he likes WWX, he was called there by LQR, to discuss JYL’s engagement with JZX. Secondly, we’re never given any examples of scenarios where JC does anything to warrant JFM rushing over. As far as we know, they never even stay with other sects. Knowing JC’s personality, his dislike of doing anything to rock the boat, it’s extremely unlikely that he’s ever done anything to warrant JFM rushing over like this. Moreover, it’s a bizarre thing to be jealous of, WWX is in trouble, he’s not on the receiving end of positive attention from JFM.

JC’s flawed reasoning is once again illustrated after the Xuanwu Cave arc...

‘Jiang Cheng’s expression was complicated after he had finished listening.’

This is Jiang Cheng’s reaction after WWX credits LWJ with killing the tortoise of slaughter - this is before JFM congratulates him. Before JFM says anything, JC is purely resentful about WWX having done something heroic, more so, resentful that WWX is willingly to let LWJ take most of the credit - he’s annoyed about this, most likely feeling that WWX is rubbing in his face that he doesn’t need the recognition that JC so desperately craves.

‘Jiang FengMian nodded and said, “You did well.”

Killing a giant 400-year-old beast at only 17 was way beyond what one would call ‘doing well.’’

JFM knows about JC’s… issues, he knows how he’ll react to WWX’s receiving recognition, he likely purposefully downplays his praise to avoid upsetting him. (Who’s really being favouritised? Lol)

But, even to this, JC reacts badly, he lashes out at WWX, once more interpreting him in the worst possible way.

‘Jiang Cheng hissed, “Too fucking bad, then. You shouldn’t have been so damn stubborn and you shouldn’t have cared so damn much about such a trivial thing. If you’d never moved in the first place –”’

JC’s response is to basically tell him the entire incident was his fault. Which is objectively not true - WWX only gets involved in the conflict after it has already started, and then he acts deliberately to try to end it, rather than impulsively fighting. He also starts to say that WWX should have left their allies - LWJ and JZX - to die. This is where JFM cuts him off, and tells him it’s not appropriate to say such things - he’s not scolding him harshly, JC is not being unfairly treated here, he’s done wrong, and JFM is trying to teach him why, you know, parenting. But JC, and YZY, take this to mean JFM dislikes JC.

JFM tries to teach JC about the Jiang sect’s motto once more - this is of course, not just about the motto, but about the values that JFM wants to instill in him, as a parent.

This is where Madam Yu arrives.

“Yes, he doesn’t understand, but what does it matter, as long as Wei Ying understands?!”

Of course, what she says is nonsensical, it does matter to JFM that JC understands the motto, that’s why he’s trying to teach him. If he did not care, he would have given in already.

This is further supported...

‘Jiang Cheng’s appearance and temperament all resembled his mother’s. Jiang FengMian guided him from childhood, but no matter how much he tried, he still couldn’t change his son’s nature. As such, it always seemed like he disliked his son.’

JFM has never been dismissive of JC just because he’s YZY’s son, he’s always tried to teach him, but JC always had his mother’s nature - YZY’s nature being harsh, standoffish, foul tempered, with no care for others - Note that is says it ‘seems’ like he dislikes his son, solely because he’s trying to teach him to be a better person. He has good reason for doing so - as a kid, JC never had friends, he doesn’t seem to as an adult either, he only has Jin Ling, whom he pushes away with his foul temper. JFM was just trying to raise JC to being an even-tempered person, capable of functioning in society, which is kind of what parents are supposed to do. But once more, this is taken as dislike.

Note that during JC’s outburst, every single thing JC claims about what JFM thinks of him, he’s parroting what YZY has said, none of these points have any actual evidence.

The next point to consider is how JC blames WWX for the fall of LP, despite it objectively not being his fault - JC knows this too.

‘In his heart, Jiang Cheng knew clearly that back in the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter at Dusk-Creek Mountain, even if Wei WuXian hadn’t saved Lan WangJi, the Wen Sect would have found some reason to come over sooner or later’

Even if WWX’s actions did prompt the Wens to act sooner than they otherwise might have - coming sooner or later would have made no difference at all because YZY outright stated she had no intention of preparing for an attack, even after WWX suggests they should, and JFM was still going to the Wens asking for their swords back - they were still uselessly trying to suck up to the Wens, thinking it would save them.

Despite knowing deep down that WWX was not to blame - he still uses it to fuel his resentment of WWX, because the resentment was there from the beginning, the only uncertainty is the means he uses to justify it.

During the ancestral hall confrontation - he uses this excuse again.

‘Jiang Cheng responded contemptuously, “You really are forgetful. What’s called a shameful person? Let me remind you. Just because you decided to be a hero and save this Second Young Master Lan, the entire Lotus Pier including my father and mother was buried. If this wasn’t enough, after the first time, you still want a second time, even wanting to save Wen-dogs and implicating my sister and her husband, how noble of you. Even nobler, you are so magnanimous to bring these two to Lotus Pier. Allowing the Wen-dog to stand at the front of my gates and letting Second Young Master Lan offer joss sticks, purely trying to antagonize me.’

Obviously, WWX did none of these things to antagonise JC, in fact he was going through a complex emotional journey of realising that he has feelings for LWJ, and that LWJ probably has feelings for him too, he doesn’t go to the ancestral shrine to mess around - he’s ‘introducing’ LWJ to JFM, YZY, and JYL, because he’s thinking about marrying him.

The problem is, JC never really sees WWX as a person, WWX has always been more of a concept - someone to compare himself to, the reason his father doesn’t like him, the reason his mother uses to berate him. It doesn’t occur to JC that WWX is a person outside of what he is to JC, and he is therefore incapable of empathising with what WWX might be feeling right now, instead the only possible conclusion is that he’s antagonising JC.

He follows the same line of thinking when WWX defects with the Wens. JC knows what he and WWX owe them, in fact JC owes them, far, far more than what WWX does - it was his parents whose bodies Wen Ning retrieved, and it was him who WN had to rescue from LP. But JC thinks, he can get away with not paying this debt, so why should he? JC is selfish, he doesn’t understand why WWX would want to help others when he doesn’t have to, so JC concludes, this is WWX showing off, ‘playing the hero’.

Because from the moment they met, JC has never tried to know WWX for who he is, whatever WWX does, JC interprets in a negative light - when WWX tries to get LWJ’s attention, (despite it being painstakingly obvious that WWX has a crush on him) JC concludes that WWX is messing around foolishly, without reason (parroting the untrue things YZY says about WWX always seeking trouble). When WWX wants to help people, he’s playing the hero, one upping JC. JC only ever thinks of WWX in relation to himself - when WWX disappears for three months, JC’s immediate complaint is that WWX kept him waiting, that he’s put JC out by making him search for him. You could argue that JC was just worried about WWX, and not able to express it - and on some level that’s true. But there’s a very intentional contrast between how LWJ and JC react to WWX’s return - LWJ is worried about WWX, about how his cultivation method is affecting him, moreover, WWX is very clearly not himself. JC, however, does not care for that - he only sees WWX, and modao, as a tool for killing Wens.

It takes almost nothing for JGS to manipulate JC into turning against WWX in ch.73 - he readily believes every negative thing JGS says about WWX, despite being called out directly for lying by LWJ. JGS talks as if he is a servant who has forgotten his place, unlike JYL, JC does not defend him. He refuses to speak up for him - he claims that no one will - yet LWJ and MianMian did. JC didn’t turn on WWX because it was impossible for him to speak up - he was living proof that WQ and WN did not support the Wen sect in the war, he drops him the moment he can because he’s resented him from the beginning.

Another interesting tidbit about JC just fundamentally not understanding who WWX is as a person, is that he only blames LWJ for the Xuanwu Cave incident - not JZX, despite him behaving no differently to how LWJ does. This is probably because he realises WWX’s fixation on LWJ, and supposes that this is the reason that WWX got involved in the conflict. But of course, WWX would have done something whether it was solely JZX, or just a random person.

Taking all this into account, it seems almost inevitable that WWX and JC would fall out eventually, because JC was, from the start, looking for reasons to dislike WWX, he turns against him at the first opportunity he got. For the ‘Yunmeng bros’ to have a healthy relationship, JC would simply have to fix his entire personality.

JC is unable to see WWX as a person, right up until the very end of the novel - when he recalls how he impulsively put himself at risk in order to save WWX. Finally, for the first time, JC is able to understand why WWX stood up for others in Xuanwu Cave, why he helped the Wens, because JC did the same thing, put himself on the line for WWX, probably the only time JC has ever acted so selflessly. And this is why he lets him go, he lets go of the things he blamed WWX for. For the first time, he is able to empathise with WWX, he understands that WWX was never ‘playing the hero’, seeking praise or recognition, he understands that WWX helps people purely because he feels in the moment that it’s the right thing to do. This is what enables him to finally let go of WWX.

I’m always a bit baffled when people claim mxtx never gave JC a happy ending, because this is his happy ending - him being able to realise that WWX never wronged him - when he finally lets go of this, he can live freely.

#mdzs #jc wank #mdzs meta #jiang cheng

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oopsimbug · 3 years ago

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in which... y/n is just trying to put on eyeliner and harry is bored pt. two

a/n: when she’s back from a six month hiatus after making only ONE fic. wow, do i suck. for anyone who cares, school has been pretty rough. i’m actually procrastinating studying for an exam to finally upload this. it’s been pretty hard to balance both school and writing but oh well. anywho, here it finally is. it took so long to write because i wasn’t feeling very inspired by this. a lot of people asked for a part two and even though i kinda wanted to leave it on a sad note, i am a sucker for giving the people what they want, so sorry if this is a bit shit- i definitely don’t like this one myself. i guess i’m not one for fluffy endings. well, at least for this one i wasn’t. i really hope you enjoy it! more stuff to come, if school doesn’t mind fucking off for a little while (or maybe just forever?) xox -(a) bug

pairing: best friend! harry styles x reader

summary: Harry is worried about Y/n. Y/n is worried about Harry. Harry is solving it by thinking of ways to check on her, while Y/n uses cheesy pasta and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as an excuse to not think. But what will happen when someone is at her door, and it’s not her delivery man?

warnings: angst, swearing, y/n and harry being idiotos, fluffy end, kissing

word count: 5.3k

It had been a week.

One gruelling, painfully long week.

Harry was biting his nails, staring up at the ceiling as he laid in his bed, worrying about her.

About how he fucked up.

He didn’t think that she would be upset for this long. He thought she would scream at him and then text him the following day, wanting to hang out- a silent “I forgive you”, he supposed.

But after two days of radio silence on her end, he decided to call her. The only problem was that her last words to him were “leave”. She wanted space. She needed to think things through- what things? Harry had no clue. But he had to respect her and her choice to not want him around. So with that, he put down the phone.

But a small part of him (okay fine, a big part of him), wanted her to just show up at his house so they could cuddle again, talking about the stupidest of things while they made cupcakes in his kitchen. They would be listening to groovy music and now and then, they’d stop mixing bowls and sifting flour to dance- well, they were horrible dancers, so more so just wave their hands, hips and shoulders around. It would be fun and would always end up with them laughing at one another. He would lick the batter and she would berate him, telling him that “one of these days, you are going to get salmonella and I’ll just laugh at your stupid ass” and he would retort with something witty and a bit flirty like “don’t worry darling, we both know you would be right at my side if I got sick. I know you can’t stand being apart from me” with a wink and a cheeky smirk. He just wants to see her in her oversized Space Jam hoodie and little basketball shorts. Or her short flower shirt and his sweatpants that she has to cuff at the bottoms because they’re too long. Or even-

He’s gotta stop thinking about her, or his brain will soon explode. But he just can’t stop. He tries to think of the happier moments, like her showing him a tour of her very healthy houseplants that she prides herself in, but every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is her teary face telling him to leave. So no, if he was given the choice to think of her flailing her arms around in his kitchen to dancehall tunes while making sweet treats or crying at something that he provoked, you bet your ass he’d choose the former.

But after the seventh day, he knew that something wasn’t right. This was too much “thinking time”. For all he knew, she could be fine, but she could also be positively bawling. She could be living for this free time, but she also could be waiting for him to make the first move. She could be wanting Harry out of her life for her benefit forever, but she also could be feeling lonely and counting the seconds for their makeup, just like he was.

That was it. He had to go see her and make sure his best friend was okay.

He practised what he was going to say to her in his car on the way to her apartment. “Y/n, I’m so sorry for how I acted. I didn’t stop to think about how you were feeling and didn’t take your emotions into account which was unbelievably wrong of me. I’m truly sorry. It’s just that I really care about you and you’re my best friend and I can’t see you choose a tinder fuck over me and if I saw him in the street I would knock his lights out and I just want to kiss you, can I kiss you, oh god please let me kiss you I just want to-“

Fuck, what was wrong with him? Why was he so upset? He had been on plenty of dates with other celebrities and models and she was always on the sidelines, cheering him on. So why was he getting so touchy-feely about a single tinder date? Maybe he was just in desperate need of attention. He hadn’t had a girlfriend for almost one year and casual fuck arounds also stopped about four months ago, so maybe he just needed to fuck someone quick. That would explain why he sees his best friend’s kindness and natural flirty nature as something more romantic. Every laugh at his jokes, every look in her eyes, every graze of her hand on his thighs as she leans over him to get her drink on the side table next to him, he becomes more switched on and awake. She leaves him feeling giddy and excited at every conversation. “This can’t just be because I’m horny right?” he cannot believe he would ever be that horny. What the hell was he going to do?

This is pathetic she thought.

I’m pathetic.

She let out a huge sigh before shoving another forkful of cheesy pasta into her mouth.

What am I doing?

The answer?

Eating carbs upon carbs upon carbs, lounging on her comfy sofa in the most comfortable, yet daggiest pair of pyjamas ever while watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for the fiftieth time, actively avoiding all commitments, housework and jobs that involve moving further than to the kitchen, which even then was an embarrassingly burdening trek on its own.

But she let it slide. How could she not? She was upset and this was how she coped. That’s what she kept reminding herself as she boiled more and more pasta watching the days pass her by without realisation, but now, she’s beginning to question if this was the best idea. Pushing all thoughts of him out of her mind by not looking at her phone just in case he called or texted. But she was beginning to struggle.

It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what inner turmoil she was facing. He seemed genuinely hurt when she snapped at him. He truly didn’t understand why she took so much offence to the playground ribbing, it seemed. And she had to go be a dick and ignore him. He was probably worried sick. How many times would he have called to check up on her? 10? 15? The more she thought about it, the more she wanted this stupid feud to be over and just be in his arms again, even if it’s just as a friend. So she caved. Turned on her phone, expecting there to be at least a call or a text asking if she was still alive or not. And although she did receive a message of that likeness, it wasn’t from Harry, no. It was from her daily water tracking app, pleading her to fill in her daily intake of water so as to not die of dehydration after she was suspected to have not drunk any for the entire week when in reality, she was just too in her head to open her stupid phone and log her water.

Wow, she thought.

Now not only has Harry chosen to not speak to you, but you also look like a huge idiot right now. Of course, he wouldn’t want to talk to you! You got pissed at him for absolutely no reason and now he hates you. He’s gonna ask for his cardigan and track pants that he keeps at your house in case he wanted to sleepover. He’s going to take back all of his little knick-knacks that he leaves over, like the cute diffuser that he leaves because he knows you need it for your constant hay-fever that blocks your nose and then he’s going to declare that you aren’t friends anymore and then you will never get the chance to tell him how you feel and then-

Her panicky brooding is interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Who the hell could that be?”, she thinks. It was too late for it to be the postman with her package containing her entire Amazon wish list that she bought on the third day of mourning to make herself feel better. But it couldn’t be Mrs Xiao asking her if she had any holes in her shirts that needed stitching. The sweet old lady fell asleep at 8:37 pm sharp after her medicine that she’d take at 8:30 pm would kick in (which she learnt after spending nights over at her apartment where her niece, Mei, took care of her. Y/n would learn traditional recipes like baozi and watch movies with her two friends all the time). It couldn’t be Mei either, she was always in online uni lectures from 8:30-10:30 pm, locked away in her little study, so as to not bother or be bothered. So now, a little panicked, Y/n wondered who was truly at her door?

Another two knocks come, echoing off the walls of her little apartment as she turns down the volume of the program she was watching. She stares at the door from her couch, debating whether she should risk getting stabbed by a possible murderer or not, before ultimately deciding that life was too short. She was also getting sick and tired of the knocks that kept arriving in threes. She swings her legs off the couch and onto the floor, pushing them into her slippers so that her feet wouldn’t touch the cold floor, waddling her way to the door before shyly opening it, peeking at who it could be through the tiny crack in the opening, hoping whoever it was wouldn’t mind her current state: belly filled with pasta, hair knotty, giant shirt with sweatpants on and Harry’s patchwork cardigan hanging off her shoulders- which she had been wearing all day, cherishing the pretty piece of clothing and his scent imbedded in it, taking it all in just in case he asks for it back. She peeps at the torso of this mystery person, realising that Harry owns the jumper worn by them, before looking up and locking eyes with a worn out and tired eyed Harry, one hand in the pocket of the familiar hoodie and another extended out near the door, ready to knock again before freezing when it opens up all the way to show herself to her best friend. He doesn’t eye her up and down cheekily like he normally does when she is wearing pyjamas, wolf-whistling at her relaxed state, claiming that “You look runway-ready, my love! Do a twirl for the crowd, will you?”. Instead, he stares her right in the eyes with what looks like almost relief, before smiling a weak and broken smile.

One of them needed to break the silence or both would have just stared at each other in her doorway until the world exploded. So she starts.

“Hi.” her voice hovers a tinge above a whisper, almost as though if she dared to speak louder, this probable illusion of the one she loves would fade away. He lights up a little bit, probably relieved that she started the conversation.

“Hey,” his soft voice matched her volume and tone as if he too didn’t want this to be a dream. “May I come in?” The words sound awkward to her coming out of his mouth. Harry never had to ask for permission to be invited in- he usually just strolled in without so much as a holler to indicate he was present, finding amusement in scaring her instead while she was doing whatever she was doing, whether that be reading, watching a movie, cooking or napping. They were the best of friends and never had to inquire about entry to each other’s domains, along with other small things like if they had anything in their kitchens to eat or if they could sit somewhere, so hearing it was a little disheartening and provoked Y/n to think about how serious this situation was.

“Okay”, she replied after the pause of contemplation, opening the door fully so that the lanky boy could follow along behind her, like a little puppy. She didn’t like how awkward the situation was. She just wanted things to go back to what they were.

But then you wouldn’t be able to tell him you love him... her inner voice argued. And she agreed. She knew that yes, this will be awkward, but it’s an opportunity for him to listen to her and know that she isn’t joking.

“Would you like some tea?” She enquires. They’ll need to handle this like proper grown-ups (which in all honesty, isn’t their dynamic- it’s more like first-year uni students who are mature enough to have deep conversations but still laugh at dad jokes and anything remotely serious, like a painting with boobs), and from what she knows, or has seen in movies when the characters are being serious, is that you need tea or a drink of that sort and a sit down on the couch where you talk stuff out. So that’s exactly what she does.

“Yes please,” Harry’s soft voice replies as he toes off his boots that most definitely cost more than her apartment. Y/n nods and heads to the small kitchenette and flips the switch on the electric kettle before going into her cupboard that housed the mugs. Harry stood awkwardly near the sofas, and to save him the embarrassment of waiting while standing, Y/n invites him to sit with a small, “You can take a seat,” and a quick glance at him before returning her gaze to the mugs to make herself look busy. She didn’t want to look him in the eyes for more than three seconds in fear of bursting into tears and the worn out and tired sight of him. She shakes the thought out of her head and begins to prepare the mugs.

Y/n put two teabags in her mug while putting one in Harry’s. She was raised in a household of avid tea drinkers and she inherited her strong tea quirk from her father who would always keep two teabags with only a dash of milk, and the only difference between her tea and her fathers was that Y/n wasn’t strong enough to take her tea without sugar, unlike her father, who thought that drinking unbelievably concentrated leaf juice with milk was a fun and relaxing time. On the other hand, Harry liked to keep one tea bag in his mug while he drank it, but just like her father, he too took little to no sugar with his cup, being the health freak he was. And early in their friendship, when she mentioned it to him, Harry chuckled and chirped, “Your father is a smart man. He has to be for raising amazing and talented people like your siblings. I’m not sure what went wrong with you though...” while booping her nose as they laid together under a tree for a little picnic. And though she rolled her eyes at him and punched his shoulder for the sly dig at her, she was practically beaming at the fact that he thought her family was smart. Harry had no idea how much that meant to her. Y/n loved her entire family, and she was unbelievably close to them, so it made her entire week to know that Harry, someone she respected and loved so much, recognised how talented and smart each of her family members were. Don’t get her wrong, she didn’t need the validation to know that her family was amazing, but she felt so special knowing he took the time to notice. He did that a lot though. Doing things that meant a lot to her without batting an eye. Saying things that only a person as observant as he could notice, like complimenting her eye colour in the light and asking her to read for him because he constantly mentions how much he loves her voice.

Y/n looked over to the same sweet guy she fell head over heels for, who was sitting on her couch, fidgety as ever, and wondered if they would ever be the same after the very next moments to come. She didn’t want things to change between them, but she was dying inside knowing that he wasn’t hers. And getting over him was not in the question, after the fiasco that happened last week. She just wished she could get inside his head to sate her painful curiosity.

What is he thinking about?

What is she thinking about?

It’s the million-dollar question running through his mind. What was she pondering over as she made them tea? Did she want to talk to him? Was she mad that it took him so long to find the balls to face her? Was she as nervous as he was? Was she worried that they would never be the same again like he was?

He was going into panic mode, questioning everything, while probably looking stupid as ever. As much as he regretted how awkward things were now, and the fact that he instigated her to lash out at him a week ago, he was realising that he was not regretting the fact that he did it. He didn’t want her to go out with someone else, and she didn’t. And yes, of course, he feels bad-beyond bad, in fact- for making her cry, and wishes he could take it all back, he also sees this as an opportunity to tell her how he feels about her. He could finally tell her that he thinks about her all the time. About her soft smile, her bright eyes, her melodic laugh, her speaking voice that brings butterflies to his stomach. He could tell her about how he loses himself at work, the grocery store, fuck- even at events- thinking about what she was doing at her house. Was she under her blankets on her couch, watching some corny tv show? Was she baking her signature choc chip cookies that taste like the gods blessed every single biscuit on the tray before they were put in the oven? Was she knitting her cat, Chesnut, another rug to plonk herself down on, with her feet up on the ottoman as she listened to the 7 o’clock news on the radio? Was she writing a paper for another deadline? Something so sophisticated, like the exploration of white and male privilege and how it is ingrained in our society? Something that Harry tried to understand and research so that he could stay in the loop with his smart girl’s interests, but he always struggled with.

It was a huge insecurity of his. Not that his best friend was smarter than he was, no way. He treasured the fact that she could and would whip his ass at a debate on things like the state of the world, or human rights. She could school him on global politics, languages, maths, science, history and literally anything else, and he would be cheering her on. What he was insecure about was her realising that he was probably slowing her down in life. Y/n was well within her rights to kick him out of her life for being nothing but a freeloader and stopping her from reaching her full potential, what with him constantly stopping her from her own life to help him go through shit happening in his. Whenever he was sad, or confused, or upset, Y/n was the first person he would talk to and he feared that she would realise that he was probably taking advantage of her and stop talking to him. And that scared him. It scared him because he knew that she didn't need him at all, but he needed her to do anything in life. Every major and minor decision in his life has been approved by Y/n first, and not because she was a controlling friend who didn’t trust him with his own life, but because Harry needed her validation. Harry Styles, a world-famous superstar, had girls, guys and non-binaries at his feet, following his every beck and call. Harry Styles, who was on the cover of every magazine, known by every celebrity, dated only the most perfect of women, required validation from Y/n, a psychology major at a small university. Y/n, who liked to plan her day out on a to-do list, end up not doing anything on that to-do list and cry about it afterwards. Y/n, who breaks it down to “Murder She Wrote” by Chaka Demus & Pliers like it’s her last 4 minutes and 5 seconds alive on this Earth while making pancakes. Y/n, who cries more when she’s laughing while watching Tik Toks than she does during sad movies.

To celebrities, Y/n was nothing but a regular. But to Harry, she was all. She was the warmth of a sweater that you toss in the dryer for a few minutes to make it extra toasty. She was the pad of butter that you spread onto your pumpkin sourdough toast and it ends up being exactly the amount you wanted. She was the feeling when you are driving home from a long day of interviews and premiers, and you’re on the freeway and the windows down and you just… exist. She is the feeling you get when you watch Pride and Prejudice, and the relief of when you find the perfect word to end a lyric. She is when your shoes fit perfectly, and when you finish a book so utterly fulfilling that you lie there in a trance, looking up at your ceiling at 3 am, wondering how you could have been so lucky to be able to be blessed with an ending like the one you just read. Y/n was all those things and more.

And that’s why he had to tell her he loved her. No matter how scared he was.

***

The electric kettle is finished boiling the tea all too quickly as the bubbling comes to an end and the distinct click of the switch turning back off echoes around the silent apartment. Y/n had poured the scalding hot water into the two cups she had prepared stared into them.

It was time. She had tried to avoid this for as long as possible, but now it was the moment to face the music. She picked up the two mugs of tea and brought them to her lounge where Harry was sitting on her worn in green sofa, staring at her coffee table, eyebrows scrunched, pouted lips, deep in thought, before looking up at her with wide green eyes, and followed her to where she stood in front of him. She passed his mug to him before sitting on the comfy chair a few feet away from the sofa and from him, putting some distance in between them for her sake, so that she wouldn’t try to hug him and say sorry without saying what she needed to say first. Which she needed to start talking about now, so as not to sit in the awkward silence created by the two.

Say something!!

“So…’

Jesus fuck…. was that all you could think of? Wow. I am going to lose my best friend.

Y/n was choking.

“I am so sorry,” Harry’s voice intercepts, raspy from the lack of use, looking up from the coffee table he seemed so interested in. “I am so fucking sorry Y/n. I have no excuse as to why I was making fun of you that day. I pushed too far and I am a shit friend for not noticing that you were already on edge. It was so wrong of me and I am so sorry.” He stopped himself before he started to ramble, looking at her with eyes filled with an emotion she couldn’t decipher.

Y/n felt… unsatisfied. Why did she feel this way? He apologised, right? So why does she feel unfulfilled? Why does she want him to say more? He hit all of the points he had to for a standard apology, so why did she think he hadn’t done enough? Was it that little optimist in her brain hoping he would maybe reveal a slight attraction to her? Maybe tell her that he loves her, and has loved her forever and ever? Confess that she has bewitched him, body and soul so that she didn’t have to? God, was she an idiot. But a lovestruck idiot at that. She bites her tongue and replies.

“Harry, I forgive you. Although you were annoying as ever,” She rolls her eyes and smirks, while he lets out a breathy, half-assed chuckle, showing his acknowledgement at her attempt to ease the lowered yet still prevalent tension. She continues. “ I understand that you were just trying to have fun. I guess I was the one who irrationally lashed out . I am always okay with you poking fun at me, but I was just frustrated and tired and I took it out on you. I’m sorry for the improper communication and I’m sorry for pushing you away when we should’ve just talked…”

“I forgive you too. I think this was just miscommunication on both parts.” He stared into her eyes, almost as if he could sense the discontent in her, but chose to ignore it.

“I guess so.” She halfheartedly answered, not really knowing where to take the conversation next. They had both apologised, but evidently still had things to say. Well, Y/n had things to say, that’s for sure, but she was pretty sure that Harry wanted to say something too. He had that look on his face where he wanted to say something but was forcing himself not to.

What does he want to say? Why can’t he say it to my face? I mean, sure, I’m also hiding shit I wanna say, but I have an excuse. This could ruin our friendship. What does he have to say?

“Great,” Harry replies, trying to fill the awkward pauses and conversation that is being held. He still looked like he had something to say, but seemed like he was not budging.

Well, if he’s not saying anything, I’m not either. Why do I have to confess my feelings and put our friendship on the line if he isn’t even going to say what’s on his mind?

“So, are we good?”

“I don’t know. Are we? I mean, I forgive you and you forgive me, right?”

“Right… No yeah, we’re alright. We’re completely fine!” Y/n replies quickly. Why the fuck would you say that? You’re not fine.

There is a pregnant pause and Y/n has half a better mind to just get up, walk to the bathroom again with her head down and lock herself in there till he leaves again, because she cannot take this awkward conversation. Not with him. She shifts, ready to stand up to get some water, when Harry looks at her, confusion and slight panic setting into his face.

“Wait. I don’t think I’m fine…” She looks up at the boy sitting in front of her, reading the words from her mind like they were scribed on a piece of paper in the blackest of ink, permanent and bold. Her heart stuttered. What else did he want?

“Is everything okay, H?” she tentatively asks. He loses eye contact with her, gaze lowering towards the table in front of him

“I-” he pauses, trying to collect his thoughts while simultaneously trying to explain to her why he wasn’t okay. “I just- fuck” his head falls down, his face inches away from the hot tea in his hands, the humid steam billowing out of the mug and warming his elegant face as he takes a deep breath and tries once more to convey his thoughts. “I don’t want us to be friends again.”

Her heart stops. This could go one of two ways. He could either be confessing his hatred or his adoration for her, and either one would probably end with her imploding. She tries to take a neutral tone when she replies.

“What does that mean, H?”

He looks at her once more. “It’s not enough, Y/n... “

“What?” She is confused. Her friendship isn’t enough? How is she supposed to reply to that?

“I want more. I don’t want us to just be friends. I want to be more with you. I want to do more with you. I want to do things that friends… they shouldn’t do together…”

Is he trying to confess he likes her? Why, in all the ways you could speak, would he choose to speak like that?! She has had enough of him dawdling around his feelings. “Harry, stop being cryptic and fucking tell me what’s going on?!”

“I love you, Y/n! I fucking love you, Y/n. So much. And it is eating me from the inside out. I hate that we can’t be normal anymore, and I hate that you don’t love me the way I love you, but I cannot sit here and pretend everything is fine, because I love you.”

Y/n is stunned. Frozen in her spot. Can’t move, can’t speak, can’t breathe. Stuck in space, and stuck in time.

Holy fucking shit… he loves me…

While Y/n processes the life changing knowledge that her best friend loves her, her best friend conveniently sits next to her, wishing that he was dead for the letdown he was about to receive.

“Say something… please, for the love of God, say something!”

****

She looks up at Harry. Not Harry Styles, playboy, whore, singer, millionaire, but instead; Harry, her best friend of five years, reddened face out of embarrassment. She sees the mortality in his eyes. Feels his presence so heavily in the moment. She is in awe. True awe of him, and his ability to love her. And with that awe- and that stupid look on her face, she reaches up and cradles his face in her hands, brushing her thumbs softly over his plush pink lips. He stands just as still as her, barely breathing, as if it would shatter the fantasy to stardust and he would wake up in his bed, cold shivers running down his spine, as has happened previously whenever he thought of this moment, staring up at his ceiling at 3:40AM wondering why he thought of his best friend in such a way. She creeped closer to his face before stopping a breath away from him, and whispered.

“Is this okay?”

She looked into his eyes, and he looked into hers, both never feeling so alive before. He wishes to tell her that she needn’t ask for his permission, and that he wants to kiss her forever. Eternally locked in an embrace that holds their souls together. But all he can muster is a weak and broken whisper back.

“Please,”

She can hold it for no longer, and leans in the rest of the way, their lips moulding together, for the very first time, eyes fluttering close, as his hands reach to grab her by the hips to straddle him, deepening the kiss even further. And when they part for breath, panting for air with slightly moist lips, they touch foreheads, eyes still closed. Words needn’t be exchanged- everything that yearned to be said was useless, as it could never describe how they truly felt for each other. So hopelessly besotted with one another, that all they could do was breathe together before kissing once more, hoping that their actions could provide even an iota of an idea of how much they love one another.

Two best friends, turned lovers forevermore.

#by bug #harry styles angst #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles imagine #harry styles #harry styles fluff #hope you have a wonderful day my little pots of sweet tea!

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n1kolaiz · 3 years ago

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The Six Realms

Okay, so I was pretty close to giving up on writing analyses but I'm back LMFAO plus I see we're close to 100 followers and I just want to thank you guys for being so very supportive <3

Alright, I'm not sure if anyone's ever written about this, but if an analysis like this exists, please do let me know because I'm kind of curious as to what other people think about this, too!

Remember that time Fukuchi spoke about bringing "about the five signs of an angel's death"?

I read a little bit more about it, and as a minor content warning: this analysis will focus on a few religious aspects (Buddhism + Hinduism). So if I get any of the facts wrong, firstly: I do not mean any disrespect to either religion, and secondly: please do correct me if I interpret anything in the wrong way.

Spoilers for BSD chapter 90 onwards + BEAST!AU under the cut!

So I'll start by talking about the Decay of Angels. As we all know, the members include Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Nikolai Gogol, Sigma, and Bram Stoker, and their leader, Fukuchi Ochi. After Fyodor's arrest, the Decay of Angels came into light with Nikolai murdering four government officials in a week. These murders symbolise the Buddhist cycle of existence, or otherwise known as samsara: the cycle of life, death, and rebirth.

"We are the Decay of Angels—hiding here as terrorists, a 'murder association', five people who will announce the demise of the celestial world."

Nikolai Gogol, chapter 57

Samsara is described to be a concept beyond human understanding. According to Hinduism, samsara is the physical world where every being has its soul trapped into a physical vessel. The Hindus believe that everything has a soul, and due to a soul's attachment to desire, it is forced into a deathless cycle of being born, dying, and reincarnating into a different body. In Buddhism, the ultimate way to break free from this cycle is by obtaining nirvana.

Nirvana is a Sanskrit word for the goal of the Buddhist path: enlightenment or awakening. In Pali, the language of some of the earliest Buddhist texts, the word is nibbana; in both languages it means "extinction" (like a lamp or flame) or "cessation." It refers to the extinction of greed, ill will, and delusion in the mind, the three poisons that perpetuate suffering. Nirvana is what the Buddha achieved on the night of his enlightenment: he became completely free from the three poisons. Everything he taught for the rest of his life was aimed at helping others to arrive at that same freedom.

- TRICYCLE'S definition of nirvana

As Fukuchi mentions in the panel above, there are six different realms of existence. These realms represent every possible state of existence, but one cannot live in a specific realm forever. Depending on whether or not one's past actions were morally good or bad, an individual is born into one of these realms. Basically, the controlling factor of which realm a person is born into is dependent on their respective karma. The realms are separated into two categories: the hellish ones and the heavenly ones.

The Deva Realm: where beings are rewarded for the good deeds they have done. This realm is void of anything unpleasant. It is basically paradise— empty of unfulfilled desires, any form of suffering, and fears of every kind. Religious individuals, however, do not seek to be born into this realm since its attitude is more or less carefree.

The Asura Realm: where demigods are admitted. Asuras are driven by greed and envy, and may come in conflict with human beings since they are quite similar. They are powerful beings, but quarrel with each other quite a bit, making this realm quite undesirable to be reborn into.

The Animal Realm: where beings are given the form of an animal (you probably guessed that lol). Individuals here don't actually have good karma to take pride in, but rather, they are born into this realm to work off their bad karma (by being slaughtered, hunted, or forced to work, etc). Being born into this realm forces one to atone for their past sins by living out their life as an animal.

The Hell Realm: where one is punished for their evil actions. The most merciless of realms, where one pays for their transgressions through pure suffering, methods of which include: dismemberment, starvation, and psychological/physical torture. However, once a person's term is fulfilled in this realm, they are presumably promised to be reborn into a higher state.

The Preta Realm: similar to the hell realm, in which beings pay for their past sins (specifically: greed and stinginess) by having to survive through hunger and thirst. This realm is also known as the 'ghost realm,' because some pretas are psychologically tortured by being forced to live in places their past selves have lived in. They are invisible to human beings living at that time, which pushes them to face the depths of despair and loneliness. Your typical horror movie, really.

The Human Realm: the only realm where one's actions determine their future. The status (social ranking, physical wellbeing, and so on) of a human being in this realm is determined by their past actions, but due to the fact that a person has their own conscience to differentiate good morals from bad, the actions they commit in this realm have the power to determine which realm they are sent to next.

Okay, so now that I've got that out of the way, let's shift our focus to the Book. Very little is known about the Book, but the basic fundamentals of how it works is that whatever is written in the book will come into existence only if its contents follow the rules of karma. In addition to that, only a few sentences can be written into a single page of the Book, and it must follow the current narrative of the story.

If I'm not wrong, the first time the Book was mentioned was by Fitzgerald, who wanted it to resurrect his deceased daughter in hopes of restoring his wife's mental health. The next time the Book is brought up is when Fyodor's intentions to possess it are divulged; his goal was to decimate the global population of ability-users. And now, the current arc has the Book as its central focus, with a single page in Fukuchi's possession.

[ BEAST!AU spoilers ]

The Book acts as the central point of multiverses, with each character's lives differing from universe to universe.

Dazai committing suicide in this alternate universe stands in sharp contrast with how he decided to start up a new life in the main universe.

Oda staying alive to act as a mentor to Akutagawa in the ADA differs from how Oda uses his death to prompt Dazai to "be on the side that saves people."

And of course, the way Atsushi and Akutagawa have their positions switched in the two universes depicts how different their lives would be if they were given the chance to be mentored by different people— these are just a few examples of how the Book houses an endless amount of possibilities.

[ end of BEAST!AU spoilers ]

Hypothetically speaking, this kind of reminds me of the differing realms I mentioned before, where suffering is promised in some realms, and better things are granted in the rest, depending on one's karma, or the deeds they've done in their past lives. In this scenario, perhaps one's past life can be understood as one's current life in a different universe. That's just a personal opinion though. Take it as you will.

side note: Keep in mind that the person who is more or less impervious to the Book's effect is Dazai, with his nullification ability. I wouldn't want to propose any theories in this aspect (I don't believe I'm fully fact-checked ;_;), but I could use Dazai as a raw example of how your choices affect your future. If Dazai had decided to stay in the Port Mafia after Oda's death, or if he even decided to go through with his suicidal fixations, life would've been different for him in the root universe (obviously, ryley) I mean, you could basically understand that from how he ended up in the BEAST au, but imagine if he really did slip up in his decision-making in any of the universes.

Many analysts have proposed that he went MIA (early in his life) from the main universe for a while to figure out how the BEAST universe worked, whilst having the Book to his advantage. Perhaps his actions were guided? I'm not saying he's all-knowing, but he's sure as hell smart. I'm not sure if Kafka was trying to highlight the concept of karma when it comes to Dazai, but if he is, then I suppose you could say that Dazai is pretty much unaffected by the rules of karma, existing as the centerpiece of all the multiverses. No Longer Human is the namesake of his ability, but the book talks about disqualification from societal norms and generally, the world. I was talking about it with a friend, and they reminded me that Yozo (the main protagonist) was pretty strong in his views against society. Like he didn't speak out of total defeat, he spoke out of defense. If there was anything Dazai actually lost to, it was his guilt— "Living itself is a source of sin."

Then again, that's my personal interpretation since everyone has their unique perspective of his writings. In terms of the actual adaptation, you could translate the word 'disqualification' to 'insusceptibilty' when if it came to the Book's effects on Dazai? This side note is becoming really long lmao anyways I'll link a few theories which afflicted me with brainrot down below.

Another thing before I wrap up, the name 'Decay of Angels' stemmed from Yukio Mishima's book entitled 'The Decay of An Angel.' This is the final novel to the author's tetralogy: 'The Sea of Fertility.' The main protagonist, Honda, meets a person he believes to be a reincarnation of his friend, Kiyoaki, who takes the form of a young teenage boy named Tōru. The last novel of this series enhances Mishima's dominant themes of the series as a whole:

the decay of courtly tradition in Japan

the essence and value of Buddhist philosophy and aesthetics

Mishima’s apocalyptic vision of the modern era

Again, this could be referred to what Fukuchi goes on to say:

Some people view the concept of samsara optimistically, justifying it by saying that perhaps each individual is given a second (third, fourth, fifth, who knows) chance to refine their actions in order to be birthed into a better realm, with their karma being the independent variable.

On the other hand, other people, specifically the Hindus, view the cycle of existence as some sort of plague. To them, the flow of life and being forced to endure the suffering of mere existence in any form was somewhat frowned down upon. Some Hindus viewed samsara as a trap. Besides, having one's soul being limited to a physical body for the rest of eternity was not very appealing, especially since where they ended up at depended on the karmic value their past actions surmounted.

Even so, particular types of Buddhists don't seek nirvana, but instead, like the Hindus, they make an effort to be good people of society, building up their good deeds to increase the likelihood of being reborn into one of the better realms.

As mentioned before, the Deva Realm was the home of angels, the most carefree, gratified beings to exist. Fukuchi describes these angels as the people who don't get their hands dirty, the people who act as the puppeteers of society: politicians.

In terms of parallels, angels were the most fortunate and powerful, but they didn't have anyone ruling over them. A lack of supervision would lead to the abuse of power, which is what I believe Fukuchi was referring to. Deeming himself the Decay of Angels, he sought to prove himself as the 'sign of death that falls on the nation's greed.'

A few fun facts (okay, not really) about Yukio Mishima: he committed seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment) on the day he held a speech to voice out his unpopular political beliefs to the public. Mishima deeply treasured traditions and opposed the modern mindset the nation was advancing forward to adapt eventually. In his last book, The Decay of an Angel, he spoke about the five signs which complete the death of an angel:

Here are the five greater signs: the once-immaculate robes are soiled, the flowers in the flowery crown fade and fall, sweat pours from the armpits, a fetid stench envelops the body, the angel is no longer happy in its proper place.

The Decay of an Angel, p.53

The reviews about this series I've read so far describe Mishima's works to be quite complex; his writings demanded a lot of time to deconstruct and understand. They were highly symbolic, and he was pretty obsessed with death and the 'spiritual barrenness of the modern world.' I think you could attach a few strings from here to the mindsets of the DOA members. Of course, this parallel is completely abstract, but I'll go on rambling anyway:

He should have armed them with the foreknowledge that would keep them from flinging themselves after their destinies, take away their wings, keep them from soaring, make them march in step with the crowd. The world does not approve of flying. Wings are dangerous weapons. They invite self-destruction before they can be used. If he had brought Isao to terms with the fools, then he could have pretended that he knew nothing of wings.

The Decay of an Angel, p.113

I suppose you could resonate Nikolai with that excerpt. As much as Fukuchi takes the lead in this whole murder association, I'd like to believe that each member of the DOA plays an equally interesting part in whatever movement they're trying to execute. Fyodor feels it is his god-sent purpose to cleanse the world of its sins, his motto being, "Let the hand of God guide you." Sigma doesn't know where he belongs, since his origination comes from a page in the Book, and is fueled by the desperation to find a reason to live. Bram holds one of the most powerful abilities which is counted to be one of the "Top Ten Calamities to Destroy the World."

What I mean to say is that the DOA members are incredibly powerful, and they're not your ordinary antagonists (or I'm just biased). It's not just overthrowing authorities, mass genocide, and world domination— you could say that each individual is trying to utilize their purposes to their fullest expenditures, and the way they're trying to assert their plan into action is a little more passive-aggressive (framing the Agency, having a convo with a suicidal dude in jail, etc). They're the gray area between evil and good. As they framed the good guys for their own crimes, they're trying to conquer the bad guys for exploiting the innocent as they please.

This post would definitely age well if all hell breaks loose in the current arc (as if it didn't) and Kafka doesn't give us a happy ending.

That's all I have to say for now I guess! Thank you for reading, and once again, if anyone else something they wanna share, feel free to do so <3

sources (tryna follow Q's example ^_^) :

the six realms

samsara

the decay of angels

beast!au

the book

the sea of fertility

yukio mishima

theory: dazai’s emotional/mental state in beast!au

q’s theory: dazai being the protector of the book

theory: beast!dazai and the book

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widow-maximov · 3 years ago

Note

Can you do a Natasha x reader of them finding out the reader is expecting, and basically they hadn’t told everyone else about their relationship yet and now they decide to because of r’s pregnancy~ 🦋✨

Of course! This definitely will be a lot of fun to do, Thank you for sending this request.

If anyone wants to tagged in my future work, DM me or use the requests to leave a tag so you'll be notified when I post, I don't have a limit on tags so whoever wants to be tag, feel free to message me.

────── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

Finally

Pairing: Natasha x Fem Reader

Warning: Language, a lot of fluff :3

Summary: Having a secret relationship with the famous Black Widow is hard enough, but what if Y/n finds out that she's finally pregnant..

Word count: 2.3k

⸻⸻⋙☸⋘⸻⸻

Here you are, alone in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the bathtub as you bounce your leg up and down, staring at the test that you just peed on, the anxiety in that moment cannot be explained but one just have to experience themselves.

You always wanted to start a family and throughout all the attempts you seem to fail each time, you and your girlfriend of 4 years have decided to finally start a family, the subject with your girlfriend was tough as she always was afraid of doing something wrong and ruin the child's view on her just like it did on her when she was small.

People might wonder who is this girlfriend that you decided to take a huge step with, well it's nonetheless Natasha Romanoff, the woman who swept you off your feet the second you laid your eyes on her.

Let's back track a little, shall we?

5 years ago

It was a difficult and stressful time for you, you have been working your ass off so you could get recognised by Tony Stark, he was going to pick someone to work along him for his new project and you were up for that task, you knew if you were good enough he would definitely take an interest in your work.

Where you currently worked paid you the minimum and it just wasn't enough so when you heard about the offer, you took it without thinking twice, you knew that this would be a good opportunity for you and being recognised world wide for the work you did with him would bring more and better job offers.

Even if you had slight doubt about the work you did for this, you were picked out of everyone who took part. The happiness you felt in that moment was unimaginable, you felt so proud of yourself and Tony was too.

You was quick to work with Tony, he needed someone asap and what you provided him was more than enough, you were finished within couple days, it wasn't until day 3 that you actually managed to leave the place with him, he was going to walk to you around and show you some stuff that he created, but of course that didn't go unnoticed by the team.

Tony knew that if he introduced you to them, there would be a possibility of you being spooked by their loud strong personalities but he took the risk as they were his family in a way.

They were more than happy to meet you and you were fascinated by their weapons and how they complimented them. You found yourself in deep conversations with everyone, creating new friends expect that one redhead.

You knew she was the Black Widow, she along with the team were all over the news, she was a little concerned at how fast everyone liked you, she was happy for a new addition but there was something her that told her to be aware.

With each passing week you spent with Stark, the more he grew fond of your presence, that he even made sure you have your own room in the tower so you wouldn't have to travel so far back where you lived, the team were excited when you accepted his offer to stay here and soon even though you wasn't a hero, you felt like a teammate.

Natasha grew fond of you as well, the way your smile would make her day a little bit better, the way your laughter would fill the room, making her smile as well, she was good at hiding her emotions so she wasn't worried that the team might find out about her little crush on you.

'Little' of course, that's what she wanted to believe but each time at the sight of you, that just backfired on her, the way you wouldn't even notice her until she literally had to clear her throat, there would be a second in your eyes where you would be lost but a smile would be plastered across your lips at the sight of the Russian.

"Hello Natty" You replied as you made your way where she was, by the coffee which you needed desperately.

She stiffen at the nickname which didn't go unnoticed, causing you to panic "Oh I'm sorry! I didn't want to overstep anything"

"No, no you didn't overstep anything.." Her voice quiet down as she looked anywhere else but you.

You felt a little awkward so when the coffee was done, you grabbed the cup and slowly made your way out of the kitchen, that's when she spoke up "It's just.. No one called me that before"

You turned to face her as she held herself, arms wrapped around herself, from her body language she was afraid to open up which caused a lightbulb to light up in your head.

You took a deep breath, gathering the courage "Do you have a free evening today?"

Her eyes darted to you as she nodded "Yeah"

You nodded with a smile at her reply "Okay" and walked out, a part of Natasha wanted to go after you and ask why but another part wanted to see what you will do.

The evening come by really quickly and the curiosity ate at Natasha, she waited and waited and nothing, she thought that maybe you just were curious yourself but when she walked inside her room, she saw a little white paper placed on her bed.

She walked over and opened it, expecting some sort of prank but it only instructed her to go to the roof and wear something comfortable, so she just did that.

You knew the redhead wasn't exactly fond of you.. or so you thought, so sitting on the roof waiting for her to show up was definitely nerve wracking. You had set up a nice comfy place on the roof, with a projector so you can watch movies, it was with the help of Tony of course, he had to give you the permission before you went and done anything.

Your head whipped towards the door and there she stood, she looked a little shy but when you waved her over, she quickly hid that emotion behind her smile.

She took a look around and raised her brows at you as she sat down next to you "What is all of this?"

You smiled "Whatever you want it to be"

She looked a little confused before a smile settled on her lips as she looked down so you continued "It can be a movie night, just me and you or we can talk or we just sit here in silence as we stare at the sky"

In the redheads life no one really cared that much about her feelings like you did in that moment "Thank you"

She nodded proudly at her with a very wide smile and she continued "We can talk and then watch a movie"

And that's what the two of you did, she opened up, you opened up and it was like a perfect match in heaven, so many similar interests and voiced options about opposite views, it was really everything the both of you wanted.

Present

Your heart dropped at the result in front of you, it was positive. It was fucking positive!

The excitement washed over as the anxiety disappeared, this is what you wanted, this is what the both of you wanted. Natasha couldn't have kids of her own which wasn't an issue so when you suggested it to her, she was head over hills with the idea.

Now here you are, jumping around in the bathroom with the stick in your hand, you felt so happy, the nights of crying that you would spend with Natasha holding you tight, overthinking that there was something wrong with you; No you were convinced there was something wrong with you even if Natasha reassured you that were wasn't, that doubt lingered.

Now it was time to tell Natasha, you was anxious because for the past year of trying, you saw that Natasha lost hope, she tried her best to hide it but you knew better. It did hurt you slightly but you hoped for the both of you.

You looked at your phone and there was no message from Natasha, she would usually message you saying she would come back home early but you knew her job, you both agreed that whilst trying for a baby, you wont work and if a miracle happens she will quit her jobs for the time being.

You sighed a little with disappointment at no message but at the moment you didn't care, you was pregnant which was something you always dreamed off, you have a perfect family and now that Natasha is in your life, you are more than sure that she is the only person you would want to do this with.

You practically spent all night waiting for her, she sometimes managed to even come the next day home or even after three days but you didn't care, you would go to them if that meant telling Natasha first, it would be hard to keep the excitement in front of the team.

The front door opened as you jumped up and waited with a sad smile across your face, which was the first thing Natasha noticed when she walked through the door, she rushed to your side as she dropped her things.

"What's wrong?" Her eyes scanned your body for any injuries but when she noticed nothing wrong, she asked again "Is everything okay, Моя любовь (my love)"

You looked at her, even though you wanted to prank her, you couldn't keep it in anymore. You smiled widely which only confused the Russian "Y/n?"

You placed your hands on the back of her neck and she placed her hands on your hips, pulling you slightly closer. You pulled her into a kiss and instantly slipping your tongue inside her mouth causing a sigh to escape the redhead.

Her hands landed on your ass as she squeezed them but felt something in your back pocket, she frowned as she pulled the plastic out and pulled away from the kiss, staring into your eyes and finally looking down at the thing in her hands.

Her eyes looked up at you so fast as her heart started to beat so fast in her chest "Baby what is this?"

You smiled again but this time you actually spoke "I'm pregnant.."

The smile that you fell in love with, spread so eagerly across Natasha's face "Are you serious?" You nodded as you watch Natasha's eyes fill with tears.

She pulled you into a tight hug as she buried her face in the crook of your neck, you giggled slightly at her reaction, but hugged her back with the same affection.

"Finally, we are a complete family" She spoke against your neck.

"In secret?" You questioned her which she unglued herself from your neck.

She shook her head with a huge smile "No, not anymore, first thing tomorrow we will tell the team but for now I'm going to show you how much this means to me"

Before you could protest against that, she already had you pinned against the couch in the living room, you'll never get over the way she makes you feel.

⸻⸻⋙☸⋘⸻⸻

She was the woman of her word, she woke you up with breakfast and after that, the both of you made your way towards the tower, the team was already waiting as Natasha asked them to meet her there.

They all were pretty anxious to why the Russian wants from them at this hour, when the two of you walked inside, the first person who squeaked without you even saying anything was Wanda.

She run up to you and hugged you tightly but with caution, Natasha raised her brow perfectly at Wanda but shook her head when she understood what just happened. Wanda was your best friend and even if you didn't tell her about your secret relationship with Natasha, she always suspected something but never wanted to invade your privacy.

The team on the other hand were confused and that was very visible, Wanda let you go as Natasha took a deep breath and looked over at you with a small smile, then back at the team "Y/n and I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years"

Wanda squeaked again as the team stared at the both of you with the most dumbfound look anyone could witness, Natasha continued "And we are expecting-"

"What!" Steve stood up and raised his eyebrows as he looked from you to Natasha.

You felt a little shy as you looked at Natasha, she knew Steve had a thing for you, he would always try to ask you out but Natasha always discouraged him so he ended up leaving you alone.

He stood up "The amount of times you told me she wasn’t interested! You never asked her because you been screwing her"

You looked at Wanda who narrowed her eyes at him so you spoke up "What are you talking about?"

He looked at you with a soft gaze "Y/n I have been trying to take you out on a date for couple years"

You narrowed your eyes at Natasha when she looked over which made her look away quickly, you looked back at him "Why did you ask Natasha to do it for you?"

Natasha looked at you confused a little, making him speak up "I tried but when I did, she simply said you never was interested in relationships"

You looked over at her again with a small smile "Well she was right, it was her who I always been interested in.."

Natasha had a smug smile across her lips, he huffed in irritation and walked out, leaving the rest of the team to react opposite to him, they all gathered around, congratulating the two of you, Tony even promised to buy everything for the child which you were very grateful for.

You looked over at Natasha, and hugged into her side as she spoke to her team, you closed your eyes at the sound of her laughter, she landed you a kiss on the forehead, making you look up at her with a smile as her hand rubbed your back.

She was the family you always have wanted...

#natasha romanoff #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha fluff #marvel #reader #the avengers #natasha romanov

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