#and i am stuck here. at my job.
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every day i open this website and discover some new datv thing is happening once again
#and i am stuck here. at my job.#and i’m busyyyy i can’t even watch the stream at my deskkkk#i have to die.#漫言
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Nines: ... you make a solid case, Sixty.
#detroit become human#rk800 60#rk900#i just really think they should be chill with each other! and i have the ability to draw it!#so i will draw them as being chill with each other and continue to focus on side characters as i am prone to do#in fact i started playing a different game and my favorite guy so far doesnt even have an actual name#me collecting side characters as my blorbo is never gonna change RIP if youre a main character i probably wont draw you#if i do it wont be as often as side characters#also ive seen a lot of fics mention sixty going and being in the fbi instead of becoming a detective and honestly#i think it would work bc i think hank and connor would threaten to quit if fowler hired sixty#like no we dont want him hes the stinky rk hire the other one the newer model just dont hire sixty#and also i like the idea of sixty and nines in different job groups just so they can tell each other about what the people are like#and thats part of their bonding is WOW humans dont make sense heres what happened today#and so nines gets kinda stuck between connor and sixty being ready to kill each other and nines not wanting to pick a side
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My teenage dream of working for Fish and Wildlife is pretty much as out of reach as becoming a movie star, and I’m baffled by it. Who’d have thunk “I want to spend my career as a public servant, stewarding the environment of my country and the world” would be something literally made unobtainable within like… the last year of my graduate education, lol.
I just wanna wear that dorky brown uniform and work with salmon, dammit.
Anyway all this to say that I’m feeling like this might be the end of my career (not my job mind you… my career) and I may have to reset the track of my life and abandon my dreams, which is a big bummer after having achieved Step One of getting a job in the field.
There’s just no upward mobility here, and with the state of things, and the number of people who might be out of a job, far more experienced than me, and now competing for the same limited number of positions? I may just be cooked.
I’m trying to stay hopeful and print dragons, but I guess a contingency plan might have to be made. I might have to engage with my passions via volunteer work instead of making a career of it. Sucks. But what can you do.
#the number of government shutdowns and federal hiring freezes that have happened#since I started college#are astounding lol#I CAN always try for state government jobs but we’ve heard a rumor that#Maryland wants the legislature to design the annual scientific surveys now and not the scientists so#that’s no safe bet either#literally finished my training for a class of job that disappeared three months before I graduated#sucks so bad man lol#I am pretty well stuck here at my low-paying entry level academic job with no upward mobility
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black eyes
#my stuff#my writing#mein fucking goat i cannot keep having dreams about my ex and yet it is happening still#this is one of the less remarkable ones even. i’ve had two in the past month where i try desperately to give them a flatscreen tv#and one of those big ones too. like 40 inches across. i don’t own a flatscreen tv#i’ll admit it being in singapore is hitting me like a brick to the balls and i am grievously unwell#it’s like i come back and all the work i put in to deal with my anxiety and depression gets high in the woods and dies#but that’s not the point. the point is devoid of friends (in fucking america) and a hyperfixation (haven’t found anything that’s stuck)#i am full of nothing but yearning. good ol classic yearning. and i am so moved on from my ex but i keep trying to give them this fucking tv#!!!! ?????? huh????????????? mayne got………#a girlfriend or a cat would fix me. or leaving this country take your pick#working on it#i’ve made a to do list to combat my i have lost the will to do things problem#and on it is APPLY TO JOBS (note; outside singapore (note: outside america too))#i have a plan and it’s to get as far away as possible and live#we’re getting there#in the meantime here’s a funny poem#i was so. in the dream i actually wanted to see them which is crazy. top 10 bad fan characterizations#but it was a dream with a good color palette. all cool whites and grays and a deep deep blue for the night#cold cold white snow. etc. so of course i had to write about it#which i have done. and now i am going to sleep#good bye
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Looking back at the "severe" social anxiety diagnosis I got as a teen ..
It's like, if I went to a therapist and said: "I do not like being stabbed with knives. I do activly avoid situations that involve me being stabbed with knives. When I have to face a situation where I can expect to be stabbed with knives, I dread it and can sometimes not bring myself to pull through, no matter how much I want to reap the benefit I am after, that requires the situation."
And the therapist went: "Oh, so you're irrationally afraid of people. Got it."
#this is about being trans mostly#have you considered that avoidance is the most normal response to hurtfull things#I am so mad about the medical gegligence and malpractice I had to endure throughout my life.#negligence#fuck#but then again; people like me along with out pain and sorrow are invisible and don't matter#transmasc#transandrophobia#fuck capitalism#nonbinary#non binary#genderqueer#people are always 'doctors are important' and shit but I have yet to meet one doctor that even isn't activly awful. The bar is on the#fucking ground#yet among the 20-30 Doctors I have met#none could clear it. there were like 2 who I didn't interact long enought with to determine anything#whe rest quickly proved themselves.#and trans issues is only the littelest part here. the outright treating me as a second class human and basically sa take the cake for worst#but the systemic apathy and not doing anything to help me#a child that has expressed urgent help needed#abusive teachers and family and not a single support person in my life and they ignored me#now I'm still stuck with my 'parents' (not that they ever did that job) who continue their abuse unchanged to this day but now I'm also#severly burnt out (untreated for years now)#and compleatly unable to do literally anything beyond some! hygene and getting food from the kitchen as needed. but yeah#i totally don't need help.#idek why I am writing this. just venting into a new void I guess. whatever. i'll die soon anyways. my body is telling me. the extended#isolation#and unhealthy lifestyle is gonna kill me and then noone will care either
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thinkin about perverts again. thinkin about the journey from hell to heaven. thinkin about how hell is mundanity and repetition and heaven is brutally terrifying. thinkin about humanity and the transcendence of it and if we even have the right to do that. thinkin about what makes us - or allows us? - the right to look into heaven of hell given our humanness. hayden anhedönia ur MIND
#hayden anhedönia#ethel cain#ethel cain perverts#anyway. once again i am listening to perverts. stuck in my shitty little cubicle job.#i don't know where i should be but i don't think it's here
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i'm so mad i don't have private insurance through an employer so i could get any kind of therapy or medication or anything. tags are a rambling rant
#i'm on medicaid bc i 1. got laid off 2. haven't found work 3. am disabled and verrrry few therapists accept insurance around me at all#let alone medicaid. i've only found one therapy group that takes it but the therapists there aren't very well equipped#for anything that doesn't respond well to the very basic frankly entry-level cbt coping mechanisms#and i have it IN my report from the psychologist who diagnosed me with autism and adhd that i should avoid typical anxiety therapies#because they're likely to only increase my anxiety. so now what do i do when that's the only therapy available to me and i know i need help#what really gets me is that i know in oregon a ton of great therapists who won't push cbt on me take medicaid#and i also have my family there. and my dad owns his own business and employs family. and i need a job so bad#because i need to feel like i'm contributing to the world and that i have value and that the world wants me#it's sooooooo demotivating getting a ton of job interviews but never getting hired for anything on a base level for like confidence#but it also really sucks because i Know i ramble during interviews because i don't trust i can answer the question right#but i know i could do the job so well if someone would just let me. like i feel like i need to beg people to give me a chance#because i'm literally like. that top performing promotable improves everything employee. every time. no matter where i am#and i feel like no one believes me. that no one is ever going to want me to work for them. because i'm the type of person who should be#kept away from the world. idk it feels like humanity's rejected me. and i just feel so sorry.#i just want a psychiatrist who takes my insurance. and a therapist who takes my insurance. and work to do to feel valuable#but there are so many barriers. and i'm so tired. i seriously need so much more support than i'm going to get#and approaching all of this with the realization that i'm autistic now just makes it like. oh. i NEED support. and i'm not going to get it#moving back to oregon's off the table and i don't think my family would be as willing to help as i hope they'd be#so i'm stuck here. what do i even do. i feel like i have nowhere to turn#it's like life's decided it's done with me. i feel so worthless i'm so scared
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my mom: hmm where'd all my safety pins go
me (decided like an hour ago that i really really wanted to get into alt/punk fashion and diy):
#my stuff#stuck some in my ears#honest to god i have no idea how my piercings didnt close up by now i got my ears pierced at claires when i was like seven and rarely wear#earrings but somehow they still. are open#also cut up an old pair of uniform pants and stuck some pins in there. cuz fuck my old school#... without asking her so i hope she wont get too pissed at me about that 😅#put some on my jacket too B)#i think punk fashion is so cool and i am doing. what i can over here without a job or means of independent transportation
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exhausted of existing ✌️
#after college I moved back home#mistake but like. no clue what I’m doing with my life.#I got two part time jobs so I was working basically full time#however I was basically let go of the one job a couple of weeks ago#I am starting an internship in January where I will be moving far far away#I thought it was reasonable to expect to just work part-time for a couple of months until I leave for the internship#Wrong. apparently my mother has been furious at me for months because I haven’t had an in-person full-time job#last night we had an hours-long argument that basically boiled down to “you will pay rent to live in my house and be my maid…#or you are kicked out.#thanks mom!! and she has the gall to say that I’m selfish and don’t love her enough.#she’s a narcissistic and conspiracy-theory-believing terf so#anyway. so now I’m stuck doing like quite literally all of the chores around the house AND paying her like at least $500 of rent to her#monthly AND she wants me to get another job for a couple months somehow too.#Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so tired of existing in this way.#I never talk about my personal life on here but. I’m just so pissed off at her.
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Stretching out across the dash like a cat. Pats appreciated.
#i am. worried again about being stuck and alone. and if this is how it's always going to be.#i'm trying not to but it really feels like all my friends are moving on with jobs and relationships and things that fulfill them.#and. i'm just here in the same place i always have been and i'm worried always will be.#negative for ts#negative cw
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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:/
#wanting to be on here so much more often but im so anxious about the current state of the world and trying to get a job#i get rejection after rejection and my parents are literally talking behind my back and are recommending me jobs that just need a hs diploma#or they think im not applying#and then theres these two equal and opposing forces: one who is so scared of moving far far far away from home and wants to stay in the#familiar forever. and the other side wants to gtfo and make something of life#my brain is just so loud and i feel like such a failure all the time and my parents are only making me feel worse#it shouldn't be this fucking hard to get a job in bioengineering. it's fucking engineering#and back to the parent thing... i wouldn't be this upset if they weren't so pushy. in this job market it takes approx 6 months for new grads#to get a job#it hasn't even been two months#ik they want what's best. but i feel so belittled#i feel belittled by everything these days like it takes me forever to respond to messages and i feel so depressed#maybe i just need a good cry but i truly am just so stuck and i wish future me could grab me by the shoulders and tell me it's gonna fucking#be ok and just relax#i just dont see anything good happening for me in the future#negativity tw#apple lady words
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yesterday i had a great therapy session and drew fun stuff and was in a great mood. today i call out of work and am unable to move to get out of a freeze state. such is life with a fucked brain that doesnt work on even a basic level.
#wails#my therapist and i literally just talked abt figuring out how to get out of being stuck. and here i am. stuck.#its not even depression its im wasting so much of my life at a job i hate for not even that much money.#which there is no cure for. or even help for really
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I work ok tje 17th Let me put let me out. Let me oouuuutttttt
#probBly the 18th as well but i dont actually know yet#but the 17th here will be the acgual time of chiak day..#Aell its okay bc i dont care bc i dont like him. So.#i liued imnsorry. i like gim#in other news: tomorrow i think is officiappy one year aince i started workijg my cirrent job so#im going to count my tip jar.. to see.. one full uear#last time.i cojnted ghere was 100 something hut that was a frw momths ago now#i dont rmbr exactly when..#but yaaaaay. counting. yaaaay#moneyyyy#also ghe csndle jar thing i have it ik is getting cramped and messy#bc i havent counged it in a while.so.i uavent Taken all.of.itput in a while so tjeres lile#a neat circle in ghe middle.and them i jusg stuck stuff after around it and it barely all fits#i need go invest in a second empty candle#Or actually d9 something with the money. <- not going to.happen#the only time.ibe ever used anu of it was times.i ran out of singles for bus fare#so id take one ftom thefe#That reminded me#Eafloer.i was tjinking like#itd be soooo much easier to get bus fare if i had a car...#bc its always a hassle bc i habe to wapk to tje bank and Dude the bank is never fuckint open#Aas a kid ur like oooohh the bank so.importsnt and adult..#and theyre open lile 20 minuyes a day. If this place is so damn importsnt why is it closed all ghe time#Nyways my point. i tjought that and then was like#.....If i had a car i woidpnt need bus fare at all bc i wouldnt have to take the bus#anyways th e bank is so annoying#closes at 5 on weekdays and i get home after 4 most days i work#and i also jist. dont geel like doing errands after worming all day#and Closed complefslu on sunday#and open from 9 am to noon on saturday like the fuck
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I LIVE
I come back to an million bot messages asking for money and booby bots
How terrible
#life has been so much worse since the last time I was here#spiro has been dehydrating my ass for too long and i am horrified#it’s blurring my vision and now I’m going to ween off it cause I’m so scared#i lost my job and i may lose my room soon enough#I’m trying to get some dis-benefits but those people suck and I’m stuck waiting#my teeth are is disrepair and broken#can’t even eat properly because of it#welp back to the main show!!!#life has not been kind to me not one bit
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THINGS!
2025 is going to be the most jam packed stressful year of my life & i know that for sure because a lot is already planned. So i WILL be an absolute mental wreck (this is apologies in advance) & i will literally be clinging onto support most likely the whole year so tumblr will either be me spamming constantly or me not here for weeks or months at a time & barely posting? i’m so unpredictable. Anyways my entire life is guaranteed to change & the best case scenario will still ruin a lot of shit for me so if i get really depressed THERE IS REASON!!!! & i’ve already made several promises so the world is stuck with me if i can help it. so uuhhhhhhhhh YEAH. ANYWAYS IM SCARED FUCKING SHITLESS LIKE ZERO SHIT SCARED OUT KF MY FUCKING MIND SO YEAH. THE MENTAL STATE WONT BE THE BEST. LOVE YOU GUYS!!! IF MY ACTIVITY IS SPOTTY IM NOT DEAD WE’RE PROBABLY JUST DISSOCIATED AS SHIT!
Anyways. TLDR i’m going to be super fucking stressed out & out of pocket for the next year because of shit.
Any friends of ours read tags pretty please <3
#new year 2025#going to be super hyperactive or stare at a wall for a week & i don’t know which one it will be yet it’s leaning towards stare at a wall#for maybe like a month. just stare at wall & cry#BUDDY REN IS NOT OKAY! BUT HANGING IN THERE!#WE COMMITTED TO HARD TO THE BIT THAT IS LIFE SO YALL ARE STUCK WITH ME LESS SUN DONT SHINE RIVERS TAKE ME DOWN!#mighhhhhht end up relapsing on the addiction but that is way better than being dead. it doesn’t have to be healthy at this point#as long as it keeps me alive & sane i guess? i’ll obviously try not to but like dark times are dark#life update#IF YOU ARE AN IRL THAT I TALK TO OFTEN & YOU NOTICE ME NOT RESPONDING TO ANYTHING OR REACHING OUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD REACH OUT#IM SAYING THIS NOW BECAUSE IVE BEEN INCREDIBLY SUICIDAL BEFORE & AM BEING CAUTIOUS AS HELL!!!! MENTAL STATE IS NOT A FUCKING GAME OVER HERE#LIKE IF I START SHOWING SIGNS & I AM NOT TAKING CARE OF IT ALREADY REN IS A STUBBORN BITCH & WILL REFUSE HELP BUT IM NOT PLAYING#IF SHIT STARTS GETTING CONCERNING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE INTERVENE#LIKE OBVIOUSLY IF YOU ARENT DOING GOOD EITHER & NEED PRIORITIZE YOURSELF DO THAT!!!#BUT IF YOU ARE IN A POSITION TO HELP & CATCH ON TO ANY CONCERNING SIGNS PLEASSSSSSE DONT LET THIS BITCH TURN HELP DOWN & INTERVENE#WE WILL PROBABLY NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET & ALL THE SUPPORT WE CAN ASWELL#BUT ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLEASEEEE? DONT IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS#APOLOGIES IF THIS IS WORDED BAD IM NOT THE BEST WRITER THATS NOT MY JOB#SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU GUYS & IM GOING TO TRY MY HARDEST TO SUPPORT MYSELF BUT WE MIGHT NEED MORE HELP THAN WE CAN GIVE OURSELVES ALONE?#IF ANY OF THIS SHIT MAKES SENSE#MIGHT NOT? I DUNNO DM ME IF YOU WANT TO BATTLE PLAN WITH ME#THE BATTLE BEING LIFE WHILE CHANGING LITERALLY EVERYTHING & MAYBE BEING AN INTERNALLY DISPLACED REFUGEE IN THE COMING MONTHS#I LOVE YALL! UH THANKS FOR READING I GUESS? IM TIRED & GONNA SLEEP NOW#GOOD NIGHT YALL <3
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