#and how Guts’ life sucks
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The good thing about having a new roommate is that I can spend an hour explaining the lore of whatever my hyperfixation is
This time it was Berserk
#I showed her a few panels bc she was asking me what books I was reading#we were talking about books#and we were talking about fanfics and I was complaining about ships for Berserk#specifically that while I get where it comes from I don’t really like griffguts and instead prefer gutsca#and it happens to be like the most popular ship#and so I explained to her the whole reasoning why (aka what Griffith did at the Eclipse)#and so later at dinner she asked about the plot#it was originally just what exactly happened during the Eclipse and the context for it#then I ended up explaining a good chunk of the plot#mostly Golden Age though#and how Guts’ life sucks#I was having trouble explaining the assault parts since I didn’t want to say it out loud#it took her a while to understand what I meant with Donovan#but when I tried to explain it better she got it and was like “OH”#anyways yeah that was fun#real life stuff#random stuff#berserk
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E&T: Caught in the Clutches of Lust
No im not sorry for any of this. cope and seethe
Btw I used a line from @painsandconfusion and @wormwriting's degradation starter list that I saved THREE YEARS AGO for this very moment. I am always playing the long game (⊙ˍ⊙)
←Previous - Masterlist
Ingredients: VERY creepy/intimate whumper, implied threat of noncon, a lot of noncon touching (unsexy but right on the edge), implied noncon kiss, unsexy nudity
Shiori?
No, it couldn’t be, she was a world away, she was human, he’d left her waiting by the fountain after the party and she’d moved on and forgotten about him, no reason to follow him here, into the depths of hell, looking exactly like she had the night of the party, jarringly out of place in her pretty dress, smiling at him like he wasn’t a blood-covered, unrecognizable version of himself.
And then he blinked, and all of a sudden it wasn’t Shiori at all, but Lythia, wearing the same yellow bandana that she always did while she was working in the palace gardens, the little black braids of her hair just as beautiful as he remembered. There was no pity in her dark eyes, like there had been the last time he saw her, looking up at him from the crowd while he was chained to that pillar, promising he’d be rescued after it was already too late. Actually seeing her hurt, and Erebus looked away for a moment, just a moment…
When he saw the woman in front of him now, his jaw dropped, eyes widening, his tense, burning hands finally relaxing.
“Come on, let’s get you somewhere safe.”
Her voice was just as he remembered, and she was smiling at him so kindly, her eyes soft, her gloved hand outstretched, she was here to save him, she’d found a way to bring him back, he was too tired and scared and stressed to do anything else besides surrender control to her once again, to take her small hand and follow her blindly towards the fate she’d chosen for him. She was squeezing his still-healing hand tightly in hers, but she could do whatever she wanted with him just as long as she got him out of this place.
“Well, that was easy.”
The voice wasn’t Shiori’s, or Lythia’s, and it certainly wasn’t Neteri’s.
Erebus jumped back, finally seeing the person next to him clearly for the first time. She-they?-smirked at him, bright purple eyes sparkling. Their white hair was long and wavy, partially braided back with impeccable precision. Gold jewelry and a low-cut black dress accentuated their natural beauty, seeming very out of place in this hellish world. Most striking of all, though, was their bright red skin, a shade that was very familiar to Erebus.
This was a lust demon, and she’d lead him right into her lair.
“You-how did-I-”
They laughed, deep and bright, obviously amused by his shock and confusion. “You only saw what your heart wanted you to see, darling. It’s not my fault you turned into a meek little lamb and followed me here.”
Erebus’s face grew hot. “Well I-I…” his wings sank behind him. He’d thought he was about to be saved. Like an idiot. She’d led him away from the bubbling pools and acrid air into a sort of cave, a furnished one at that. But now he was cornered in here, at a disadvantage in the cramped space. He swallowed and changed the topic, hand resting on the pommel of his sword. “Who are you and what do you want with me?”
“Apologies.” She bowed slightly, the sort of bow people gave when they were pretending to show respect during negotiations, but then declared war a few weeks later. “My name is Asmodeum, and really,” they gave him a disapproving look, “I’d rather not fight with you. I heard you’ve defeated Somiaken and Vorath already, but I believe you and I could work something out without coming to blows.” They held their hands up briefly, but the way they watched him made it clear that their guard was still up. “So, tell me your name, now. Unless you’d prefer I just call you darling?”
Erebus very much did not want that, so he complied. “Erebus. But you didn’t really answer my question. What do you want, if not to fight me?”
Asmodeum sighed wistfully. “Well, I can tell that you’re the sort of person who’ll never agree to what I really want, but I believe something can be arranged. You see, I’ve been stuck here for Akumo knows how long with no toys to play with. So, I was thinking-”
“I-I’m not gonna be your toy,” Erebus choked, his throat feeling like it was closing up.
“Ah, ah, ah.” Asmodeum wagged a finger. “Let me finish, dear. I could have my way with you quite easily, you know. It would be oh so effortless to drag you back into my domain proper and throw you into a pool of boiling water or lava and watch the show. However, I think your forced cooperation would make this a little more fun, and it would be nice if you behaved for me. So, if you let me do what I want with you, barring the most intimate acts, I’ll let you kill me once I’ve had my fill.”
“What happens if I don’t say yes?”
Asmodeum casually examined their nails. “I will take you by force and I will defile you.”
“D-defile?! You don’t mean…” Erebus quickly glanced down, and Asmodeum smiled wickedly.
“Oh, I do mean. If you let me play with you, I swear I won’t do anything of the sort. Call it an incentive. So come on, Erebus, get rid of your sword.” Erebus just tightened his grip on it, weighing his options. As much as he didn’t want to let this demon…play with him...did he really have any other options? He was exhausted, and there wasn’t much room in here for him to try and put up a proper fight. And more than anything, he really, really didn’t want to risk being...Despite the anxiety building in his chest, Erebus unbuckled the sword belt around his waist, setting it carefully on the ground.
“Fine. But if you so much as touch me there I’ll-I’ll make you regret it.” How would he do that? He wasn’t sure. But he just-he had to make it clear that he wasn’t surrendering. He was just…agreeing to play along. Just to get a break from fighting. He was okay with this. He’d be fine. He'd been through so much worse.
He'd be fine.
“I promise I won’t cross that boundary, don’t you fret.” Asmodeum walked over to him, kicking his sword out of reach as they took his hand. “First things first, you’re absolutely filthy. Let’s get you cleaned up, shall we?”
Erebus pulled his hand out of her grasp. “I mean, I-I can do that myself,” he muttered. Asmodeum raised an eyebrow.
“I’m sure you can, but I want to wash you, dear. And right now,” she grabbed his hand once more, “I get what I want.” They pulled him along into a bathroom, and he followed reluctantly, feeling an odd sense of familiarity in just going along with this sort of thing. Their threat was certainly a motivator, but that didn’t mean he was going to roll over completely on every little thing, right? He had to make it clear that he wasn’t happy with this, despite agreeing to it. She started filling up the bathtub with water, turning to him with a smile. “Let me strip you now.”
“I-I’d rather-”
“Shhhh.” She placed a finger on his lips, her other hand starting to undo the ties on his shirt. “None of that, dear. I can’t get you all clean if you’re wearing these dirty clothes, now can I?” He looked away as they tugged his shirt off, hoping that they’d-nope, now they were going to try and take off his pants, too.
“You said you weren’t going to-to do that to me.”
“I won’t. But that doesn’t mean you get to keep your clothes on the whole time, you shy little thing. I just won’t touch.” Erebus stifled a whine as she pulled down his pants, and his underwear along with them. “There we go. You can get in now.” He did so, almost jumping into the warm water and crouching down, hugging his knees close and spreading his wings around himself protectively. They gently pushed his wings back, stroking his face as he glared at them with wide eyes. “There’s no use hiding when I’ve already seen everything, silly. I think I’m going to need to get these arms out of the way, hmmm?” They pulled out a pair of manacles, and Erebus’s stomach sank.
“Wait, I won’t resist just-just don’t-”
“Too late for that, Erebus.” She clamped them around his wrists, twisting the chain securely around the faucet. “Besides, you look absolutely darling like that, all helpless. Now, keep those wings out of the way or I’ll pierce them together.” Erebus’s wings sank in defeat, slowly moving back until they were behind him. There wasn’t any winning here, was there? “Good boy.” She grabbed a cup from the countertop and started using it to pour water on him, rinsing away some of the pieces of flesh stuck to his bloodied skin. After she lathered a washcloth with soap, she began to gently clean the dried blood off his face. He screwed his eyes shut, fists clenched as he tried to think about anything else.
Even back when he was a prince, he’d hated being fussed over, preferring to take care of himself when he could. Asmodeum, however, seemed to have no concept of personal space, or just didn’t care. She had to work hard to get through the blood caked over most of his skin, leaning in close, starting with his face before switching to his hair. Their hands slid in, tenderly working through tangled bloody mats and massaging his scalp. He hated how nice it felt, how much it reminded him of the way Lythia always used to play with his hair, forcing himself to open his eyes and look at Asmodeum, to remind himself who was…
Lythia smiled at him sweetly, and Erebus felt his blood run cold. That wasn’t her, no matter what he saw, no matter how he felt. She wasn’t here. She was back home, probably still tending the palace gardens despite the change in management. Did she still think of him as she looked at all the places they used to laugh? Or could she not get the image of him screaming and sobbing up on that podium out of her mind, unable to remember any other version of him than the one he’d left her with? Maybe that’s what he deserved to be remembered as, since he’d hardly thought of her since that day, the memories too painful.
Erebus shuddered when Asmodeum moved to his horns, which were always far more sensitive than they had any right to be. She seemed to be able to tell, continuing to stroke them long after they were clean, and as much as he wanted to ask them to stop, he was afraid it would only encourage them. At the very least, the disconnect between Lythia and his horns was enough to push the thoughts of her out of his mind, and Asmodeum changed back to their normal form.
Her hands finally slid lower, caressing his neck, fingers slipping under his collar, making sure the skin underneath was clean, pressing down against his throat every so often as they did so. It wasn't enough to really choke him, but the message was clear.
They moved onto his shoulders, his wings, his arms, his back. He caught their smile as they saw what his right arm really looked like, and her fingers traced his whip scars as they were uncovered. Dread started to pool in his stomach as she moved to his chest, scrubbing away, revealing-
“Oh, well isn’t this pretty.” They marveled at his brand, stroking the lines of the scar, pausing over his rapidly-beathing heart. “Too bad you’re already owned by someone else, huh? But I suppose they’re not here now, are they?” Erebus just bit his lip, refusing to make eye contact. The thought of his…of Neteri not being here hurt, and, try as he might, he couldn’t help but think of her, of the way she’d always protected him. He wondered how angry she’d get if she saw what was happening to him, or if she could feel now that someone besides her was touching him. He could imagine her bursting in, yelling at Asmodeum to get their hands off of him, unchaining him and letting him cover up before pulling him into a hug-wait wait what was he thinking she’d been his captor she’d hurt him and ripped him into pieces and kept him locked up but she'd promised to save him and he missed her.
“What’s wrong, darling? Is even this too much for you?” Asmodeum brushed away a tear he didn’t realize had been falling with her finger, her skin no longer red, but brown. He couldn't look her in the eye. Not while she wore that face. “Such a sensitive little thing.” Hearing those words in that voice was already bad enough. Erebus tugged at his chains, wishing he could rub away those stupid traitorous tears, because he wasn’t crying about Neteri or Asmodeum or any of this.
Their hands plunged beneath the surface of the blood-clouded water now, and Erebus couldn't stop himself from tensing up as they scrubbed his stomach, glad the parts of him that were previously under clothes weren't as caked in blood as those that weren't. Still, there was enough to clean that she had an excuse for her hands to wander lower still, caressing his hips, his thighs, and now he was trembling, fists clenched, tears dripping even more steadily into the tepid, cloudy water, no one had ever touched him there, at least she was wearing her own face now, but please, please stay away from there, you said you wouldn't touch me there and if you do then why am I here why am I letting you do this why do I keep letting people hurt me if I just stood up for myself more if I wasn't such a coward maybe I'd still be-
"You're rather pathetic, aren't you?" Asmodeum mused as they cradled his face, turning him towards them. Erebus blinked away tears, just now realizing that they'd finished cleaning him, the tub already drained. He couldn't exactly argue, crying and shivering like he was, so he just swallowed and gave the tiniest nod as he pulled himself together, hoping it'd be enough to get them to move on.
With a satisfied smile, she unhooked his wrists from the faucet, but left the manacles on as she pulled him up and out of the tub. He tried to cover himself as best he could as they toweled him off, hoping they’d stop touching him or at least give him clothes soon. Thankfully, they did, handing him a small bundle, and upon unrolling it he found...a pair of shorts that barely reached his knees, and that was all. Once he’d put them on, she dragged him into another room and let go, crossing her arms. “Kneel.”
“I don’t-” Asmodeum raised an eyebrow, and Erebus stopped himself. They were expecting him to obey their every little whim if he didn’t want to be...he knelt, staring at the floor. She circled him a few times, and he clenched his fists in his lap, hating how much of his body was on display. Not that she hadn’t already seen everything.
“You were just made to kneel, weren't you? Absolutely gorgeous." Erebus's face burned even hotter than before. All he could hope was that they'd be done with him soon, but he'd never specified how long this would go on for when he agreed to it, so this might last…He was such an idiot, why did he just go along with this without any negotiation?
Asmodeum stopped in front of him. "Well, what are you in the mood for, dear? Pain,” her hand slid under his chin, tilting it up, “or pleasure?”
“Please just-anything but-” he choked, and she just laughed.
“Anything, you say? Then, I think...I'm in the mood for this.” They grabbed his collar, yanking him up onto the nearby bed. Before he could even try to sit up they were on him, wrapping themselves around him, worming in between his shackled arms, forcing him to embrace her back. A shudder ran down his spine as her skin came into contact with his, her arms pinning him flush against her body, her legs tangling around his. “Have you ever been this close to someone, darling?” she whispered in his ear, their fingers stroking his hair.
“I-I, um, a few times but-”
“Aw, and you’re still nervous.” Her hand ran down the back of his head, stopping at his collar. “It’s so cute how you still wear this. I’m sure you could get it off if you tried, so you must like having it on, huh? Do you miss your owner?”
“She’s not-I don’t-I just-it’s…” he screwed his eyes shut, “I can’t take it off, alright?!”
“Such a dutiful little pet-”
“I wasn’t h-her pet!”
“You’re so adorable when you’re in denial.” They stroked his back, rubbing around the base of his wings. Erebus just opted for staring at the wall, hoping they wouldn't touch his horns. “Do you know how lust demons feed, my dear?”
“By eating…?”
“Well, of course, but not the same way you do. We feed off of humans, more specifically, their bodily fluids.” She smiled widely, showing off her fangs. “And I haven’t had a meal ever since being locked up in here. I normally get my fix a different way, but, to be considerate of you, innocent little boy,” they shifted until their lips were right next to the base of his neck, fingers pushing his collar out of the way, “I’ll settle for feasting on your blood.”
Her fangs sank into his neck, and he couldn’t help but gasp at the sudden pain. He tried to breathe in calmly through gritted teeth as she sucked on the holes in his flesh, drinking his blood. Soon enough, his ears started ringing, and lightheadedness crept in. He gripped the chain between his wrists just too feel something solid, glad that he was lying down, at least. By the time Asmodeum pulled away, licking droplets of blood from their lips, a dizzy haze had settled over Erebus. He closed his eyes, tears leaking out as she snuggled back into him, just hoping that this would all be over soon. In fact, maybe he would just...let the blackness take him...just for a little bit...so he didn’t have to be...awake…
Erebus’s mouth tasted like dried blood when he woke up, and Asmodeum was still wrapped around him tightly. She smiled when their eyes met. “Did you have a good little nap, my darling? I hope you don’t mind, but,” she gripped his chin, her thumb stroking his lips, “I had a little bit of fun with you while you were out of it.” A bit of...wait is that why his mouth tasted like-
“W-you-you can’t d-do that to me I-I don’t-” his voice broke, and he couldn’t breathe all of a sudden, no matter how many fast little breaths he sucked in, just get away, get away from me stop touching me don’t do that to me please please I don’t want that you can’t do that to me you can’t you can’t I never wanted that not from you not from anyone and now now now I-I’m-I’ve been-
He felt something solid press into his hands, and he realized that Asmodeum was standing in front of him, and that was his sword in his hands, he was sitting up now and that was his sword and Asmodeum was smiling they were holding out their arms to him they were ready they were ready they were laughing they were coughing up blood they were on the ground there was so much blood how much of it was his he wasn��t sure he didn’t know they reached up and he backed away he had to get away he couldn’t stay here a second longer she was dead she was dead she was already crumbling away and he had to go he wanted to rip off his own skin he could still feel her touching him where where where were his clothes where was the key to these manacles he had to go he-
Erebus dropped his sword. He fell to his knees. He buried his face in his hands.
And he screamed.
Tags: @dramaticcollapse @thehopelessopus @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @galaxywhump @as-a-matter-of-whump
@mnmlover2002 @tears-and-lilies @yet-another-heathen @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @starnight-whump
@unicornscotty @thebewilderer @kixngiggles @itallstartedwithharry @inky-whump
@redstainedsocks @lonesome--hunter @his-unspoken-words @susiequaz12 @its-mysweetlittlesecret-blog
@whumpasaurus101 @patheticlittleguy @jadeocean46910 @whumpinggrounds @pumpkin-spice-whump
@suspicious-whumping-egg @befuddled-calico-whump @whump-in-the-closet @pumpkinsncoffee @aryox
@vampiresprite
#i wrote something#erebus & terror#erebus#asmodeum#creepy whumper#intimate whumper#nonhuman whumpee#demon whumper#noncon kiss#noncon touch#can i get a lmao in chat this guy is having the worst time of his life maybe#yeah shiori is human and normal and i meant it when i said they'd never see each other again#bro's neteri devotion is literally getting worse now that they're apart what is he DOING#i cant believe superhell isnt the healing environment he needs to process his trauma 😔#but yeah back when i was still in college and writing like chapters 3-6 ish of E&T (like him getting branded)#i was like ''okay but the bathing scene is soooo fun and sexy i want to write it right now''#so i did and then it sat there for 3 years#it's honestly really weird that it's out in the open now it's been My Secret Writing for SO long#had to make a lot of edits though and i can see how much ive improved since then like yeah let's GUT this bitch#asmodeum fucking sucks. sorry. they are the literal fucking worst#they're also technically genderfluid but since the way they're perceived is based on the person's attraction#erebus just gets female/androgynous vibes cuz he doesn't like men 👍#uh what else oh yeah we had to give him the kissing trauma. rare instance of me projecting write it down kids#god i started the final edit of this at 4:30 and i was like ''yeah i can have it ready by 5''#it's 5:51 you idiot
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when I was writing the goblin chapter, I was like, 'This is really a struggle, I can barely get the words out. Is my interest in writing this book dying?', but now having posted the goblin chapter and moved on I am 100% back in the groove I was before it started. it was just the goblins. I wasn't able for Dror Ragzlin
#honestly I'm not happy with how I depict him. whatever though. life's too short.#we're canceling Dror Ragzlin. sorry dror fans this is an L for you guys. Priestess Gut also sucks.#all the other characters are great though I must say. I do a great Volo. it's just the goblins. they do my head in#I love them and I have no idea why I found the goblin chapter so difficult btw#stepdaughter of bhaal
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One of the funny (?) things about me is that when I was absolutely miserable during the second year of my master's program, that misery expressed itself and evolved into an intense feeling of "I want to go home". And that feeling never went away. It's the first and most powerful thought I get whenever I'm feeling down. Even if I'm already home.
#Don't think I've really talked about it before but#That was genuinely one of the lowest points of my life despite living in Paris (yes I recognize the privilege there)#I was so lonely and wasn't good at doing things by myself#nor did I want to. And I'm still not good at that tbh.#My good friends were in the parallel program (research vs “professional”) and I didn't see them much due to travel-sucking-outside-of-Paris#I didn't like the people I was in class with and sometimes had to be with for 7 days and nights straight#Classes were 9-5 +studying (and commuting) which honestly. Hell. Cooped up in a studio apt so much#Wild to think that for as lame as Logan Utah is and how stressed I was about my thesis I still had a better time there#it at least felt like a valuable use of time. Meanwhile i WISH I could say I remembered anything about my classes.#So I wanted to go home where I could easily see friends and family on a regular basis#get a hug or something#Anyways#It's still my gut feeling when I'm sad but now it just feels silly and misplaced whenever I catch it happening lol#personal
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Henry David Thoreau is the definition of "so true bestie!"
#walden is frying my brain stabbing my heart punching me in the guts slapping me in the face n callin my mama a sloot#exams tomorrow for 6 hours straight#might just write “THOREAU WAS ALWAYS AND ALWAYS WILL BE RIGHT” in bold on my copy#like yeah man society sucks and you got it all figured out#why do you need *me* to talk about it#it is abysmally depressing how accurate he is#the irony of reading about fucking off to the woods then being imprisoned in a class to be questioned about it...#henry david thoreau#walden#civil disobedience#life in the woods#adler.priv
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god this fucking sucks.
#thinking that things were ok and safe COVID wise and then having the rug pulled out from under me I mean.#when I say I wish I never stopped masking I mean it for practical reasons too but a huge factor for me has also just been the psychological#distress of thinking things were safe and having that freedom followed by the gut punch of how abysmal the reality of COVID is!!!#we were never safe the freedom was false and now I'm trying to protect myself and others and nobody in my life will do the same for me#and I know I've had 1-2 infections and the compounding damage is high risk for me and the brain damage makes me so upset#bc my brain is already really bad and terrible and frustrating to live with and I cant handle it getting worse I cant#I just want to live and be a person and not have to worry about this and compromise my bodily safety bc I dont have anywhere to go where#the ppl I would cohabitate with would even CONSIDER being covid conscious and masking up like even a little bit#and I cant get too upset bc weve been lied to and traumatized and its really really hard to counteract that. bc im doing it rn and it#fucking SUCKS and i want to feel safe again so bad but I know that would be a lie#the absolute kindest and most understanding ppl around me are still treating this like its my personal problem. like ok when YOU feel safe#this is not a live and let live situation fuck!!! fuck you!!!!!#ok. gonna cry and try to sleep#it speaks
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God I’m so fucking miserable
#a girl I had an internship with in like 2016 who I don’t know that well#just posted like LOOK MOM I MADE IT TO AUSTRALIA!!!!#and alllllll these pictures of her here#In the same town im currently living in and in the same place I spent time on the drive here#and she just looks absolutely fucking STOKED like so purely high on life#and she’s traveling alone too and seemingly spent her whole life wanting to be here too and it just#it just really put into perspective how fucking SAD I feel due to everything#sad sad sad sad sad like that level of happiness feels like a parallel universe#and we’re in the same fucking TOWN#it sucks to know my bad gut feeling was right#it sucks to know I could be that happy but im not#and im not simply because the universe chucked every bad coincidence possible straight at my head#I don’t know what to do to get my spirits back up#I just don’t#I don’t know what to do to put myself back on the right track#I feel so beat down by life it feels impossible#I don’t feel like myself anymore#I kind of just fucking hate this country#and I can’t believe I feel that way when it’s the concept the entity I have loved the MOST#my entire fucking life#it’s not fucking FAIR#I’m just out of steam#I want to see a kangaroo and be happy I want to drive with the windows down I want to go on little road trips#I want to not have the crushing weight in the back of my mind of a $4k repair bill on every purchase I make#cars are like a sacred safe space to me and I want to look at my car and not feel devestating and fucking rage#I want to have had a pleasant Australian Road Trip up here#I want I want I want#I want the new eyes I once looked at this place with#I’m tired of the anxiety I’m tired of it all
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mmm. havent looked into it very far but i think we gotta cool it with the jokes about rfks brain worm. like i get your impulses there but it is ableist and im not joking about that.
his flaws that would make him a terrible president/person, are rooted somewhere besides the worm. the worm is incidental.
#toy txt post#ive only seen a couple so far but uh. this + that post going around about how many ppl are comfortable using brain damaged as an insult..#im not free of sin here ive talked about brainworms as a metaphor for bigotry or whatever and i do think the metaphor kinda holds up ?#just not. literally. when i say like fox news brain worms i mean like that worm tongue guy whispering evilness into the kings ear#in lotr or whatever. i dont think a literal actual worm is the root cause of bigotry. bigotry is not the result of a pathogen#its not a fucking yeerk. christ. those arent real#parasites cw#parasites tw#for context ive seen a couple news article headline screenshots floating around saying rfk jr has a brainworm in reference to finding a#tapeworm in his brain? which is. a thing that can happen. theres like 2 different lifecycle stages of tapeworm its possible to get#and the one everyone knows about: in your gut stealing nutrients from you. is one version.#that you get via eating meat infected with worm cysts/larval worms? and the other kind. is uh. the larval worms#you get via eating the eggs. and then they uh. infect your meat. including your brain. i dont fully remember their full life cycle in#detail but like thats like the number one biggest evidence that the Victorian fad diet of eating a tapeworm egg was like. a scam thing#you wouldve wanted to eat the baby worm for the desired effect of not getting nutrients anymore for weightloss. (dont do this)#anyway. point is he sucks bc He Sucks not bc of a parasitic infection
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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I feel sick I just thought about the fact that even if Joe never duema’d, he’d still be friends with Kira. They were besties for a whole year before Joe dueled. Joe’s first duel was with Kira. He only picked it up because it was another game he wanted to beat Kira at.
Uggghhhhh those fucking guys
#and the usual gut punch is that Kira would’ve been “happier” in the long run if Joe never Duema’d#because it would’ve prevented Joe from ever learning about Kira’s hidden side#just like how Kira was pissed at Joe meeting Deckie because Deckie is what actually let Joe learn about what Kira’s doing#Kira just wanting Joe to stay happy safe and in the dark about the fact that Kira’s being raised to kill and that his family life sucks#uhgh. awful. awful fucking things.#this mel speaks#I am reexposed to KiraJoe for just a bit. even when they’re babies and nothing has gone to shit yet. and yet I feel the disease
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#grief is such an annoying thing sometimes#you'll think you're fine and you're going about your life and doing better#and out of the blue it just gut punches you and puts you entirely out of sync#i thought i was doing a lot better#but the past few days i feel out of sorts but ONLY with work#and that SUCKS in a creative field because you can't brute force it#luckily there's no looming deadlines but i do have deliverables#and how long can i stand in a blank setup struggling to come up with anything#when i know i've done it before#before it messes with my confidence in my abilities#ugh. ugh ugh ugh#i'm just frustrated
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the title track of Stick Season by Noah Kahan rips my liver out of my body and eats it in front of me. in case anyone else wants to get gutted today
#I LOVE VERMONT BUT IT'S THE SEASON OF THE STICKS AND I SAW YOUR MOM--SHE FORGOT THAT I EXISTED AND IT'S HALF MY FAULT BUT I JUST LIKE#TO PLAY THE VICTIM I'LL DRINK ALCOHOL TIL MY FRIENDS COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND I'LL DREAM EACH NIGHT OF SOME VERSION OF YOU THAT I#MIGHT NOT HAVE BUTI DID NOT LOSE NOW YOU'RE TIRE TRACKS AND ONE PAIR OF SHOES AND I'M SPLIT IN HALF BUT THAT'LL HAVE TO DO#stick season#noah kahan#guts#organs#the triangle of cannibalism#snowswords#seriously. ''i love Vermont but it's the season of the sticks'' is exactly how i feel about the best thing in my life rn#i love my partner so much. i like the feeling of being in love. my anxiety is at an all time high and I haven't felt this sad in years#to me that lyric is saying ... i love this place and sometimes it really sucks here. i still love it but I'm also tolerating it.#that's. yeah. that's the vibe.#so as you can imagine I've been shouting along to this chorus for over a week now#anxiety
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#theres . idk wha tto describr it as but it made mt just start bawling harder#im going through it btw but this was . this was Something .#i miscarried his kid. and the fsct that i Know my first born js a girl (call it gut intuition) and that .#i spent Ages wanting that life w him and finally fucking realising that i Cant Do tbat To Myself.#but . the knowledge that hes now just gonna be someone i tell her abt inatead of .#is fucking killing me a little im ginna admit.#i just. i had a fuckign . majorly minor relaisation tonight and its gutted me a little more tgan i would rlly like to admit#and every little thing following it is kinda puzzle liece of fucking agony being settled into place and its just .#god all of this sucks btw nothinf abt this was ever easy but this is like . oh. oH. Oh. o h.#nothinf is the fuckinf same 2022 is lost to time and all i have to show for it is splotchy memories.#LMAOOOO SPOTIFY UR KILLING ME#loml . oh ur so fucked for this.#relisteinf to this and how did it end with Zeveral New Perspectives is fuckign .#its like lookibg ar myself through a glass but feeling a thread to it bc Im Still there#anyway. whateverrrrrrr#nothing fucking Matters. i can get what i want but this allegedly.#bc i cant forgive any of that shit ultimately not enough to wanna go back and have that . be on my xonscious#like . it just . idk what ppl think. its . what do i Think. what does Every Version of Me who has ever wanted that fairytale ending Think.#like looking at this n knowing every version od myself is so . i cant do that ? i cant . oddly i dont want to. i dont#like its not like i dont think ppl can change bc ive seen growth in him#just Not where it Counts (yet) and that doesnt matter . i cant . tell ny fucking child that i married the man who put me through that#then had to lose me for a fucking year and fuck around with the entire town la#likw . ifk if thats smth i can do to myself :/
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There's also the impulse to be like "women ain't shit" but that's a lie I love our women. Not women as a whole's fault that one of them turned out a selfish bastard of a coward.
I just need to find a woman who doesn't treat me like That. Get me a good butch. I need me a good butch.
#speculation nation#id love a good butch who can pick me up and help move my furniture#and who is so sweet and treats me like im someone valuable (& not immediately replaceable ...)#the bar is actually so low. god why do i keep ending up dating assholes?#ex before this ex wasnt an asshole. i was the asshole in that situation.#but that's where the whole. wanting to find someone right for me comes in.#god 'ex' really is such a vague term for me. i got bad ex goth ex uhh other good ex but still sucked#nothingburger exes 1 2 3 4#and the gay awakening ex who i really shouldve given more attention to but unfortunately i was a stupid 16 year old#and broke up with her for my bad ex. alas.#and then theres milquetoast ex and uhmmm. well i actually dont know what im going to label my most recent one.#i dont think it's fully sunk in yet what happened. bc it really was so sudden.#i last saw her on thursday and everything was normal and nice. just like pretty much the whole of the 6 months with her.#and then she started hanging out with the coworker i guess. and the rest is history.#i think she lied about being busy spending time with friends to excuse why she was so distracted on the weekend.#she was probably busy spending time with that girl. who she apparently feels like shes suffocating if shes not in the same room as her#it does suck in a lot of ways. but also with her friends. i was trying rly hard to spend time with them and be liked by them.#one of them's moving into my building this next year. across from my unit. so i wonder how thats gonna go.#my ex mentioned how she'd be spending twice as much time here then just last saturday.#and now. well. like fuck she's coming in here anymore. but i wonder if i'll see her going to visit her friend.#id been kind of excited for it. looking forward to spending time with a neighbor too. but probably not anymore.#i do wonder what her friends will think. i hope she tells them the truth and they chew her out for being such an asshole.#literally breaking up with me over text. who fucking does that??? she didnt have the guts to hear me cry???#i'll make sure she sees the full force of my displeasure when she drops my gifts off tomorrow.#she used to like how rough around the edges i am. well she's gonna see just how rough around the edges i Really am.#i kind of. dont really want to see her. but i also do. i want her to look me in the face and talk to me#to see who it is she's dropping. to see how it has affected me. even if she didnt see my heartbreak as it happened.#i laid into her Hard so she knew just how badly she hurt me. so that she would feel even a fraction of my hurt.#so she would feel Guilty. she apologized over and over. said she knew she'd regret it. but she just Had to do it.#'this will be my life's regret' then why'd you do it? fucking impulsive dumbass. what bullshit.
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Istg writing fanfics would be much more easier and fun if i was just confident about my english skills. ಠ︵ಠ
#aaghhhh#i hate it when things are going smoothly and then#“wait... am i spelling that correctly???”#and searching for the word and its definition to make sure its perfect.#only to confirm that#yes you were right and it means what you thought it did#so now you've wasted time and energy#cuz you felt insecure#and u start to think“why am i even doing this if i dont feel confident enough to write a fucking sentence without doubting my abilities?”#and then you sulk and cry for hours#even when you KNOW that it doesnt have to be perfect and that no matter how much you try#you are going to make mistakes because you're human#but you feel like you gotta do your fucking best even if its just for fun cause you really feel passionate about it#and its probably one of the few things in life that makes u feel something other than that knot of idek in your chest#and guts#and it freaking sucks#bc you promised to try and change for the better#but better just doesnt seem to be for “people” like you#and it always ends up with you falling into bad habits#because of course you do!#you're an spoiled brat who got praised way to much as a kid and now that you've grown up you realised that you're flawed like everybody els#you failed miserably and you are self-sabotaging again like the baby you are <3#that motivation is gone and time has been promptly wasted ;)#but anyways sooo#this was supposed to be short#and silly#but it turned out an angsty mess#son las cosas de la vida i guess#i shoud tag this like a vent post#tw vent
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It really does suck how hard it is to get a doctor's appointment in this country, but there's a certain humour to successfully getting one before your mum and the first thing she does when you walk in the room is call you a bitch in the same tone as when you just ate the last of the good chocolate.
#lmao she's gutted#I'm BAFFLED how fast they got back to me like genuinely#I did NOT expect that#so I'm like :O this is great! while mum mentally rattles me like a box of tictacs lmao#she's never regretted saying 'oh I'll do it tomorrow I cant be arsed right now' more in her LIFE#it sucks cause she has an actual problem#not to say I don't but she has an actual problem that needs dealing with and I just walk in like heehoo got one#I ALSO walked in with the sandwich she made for me last night so I ALSO made enemies with dad today cause mum didn't make him one too#so I just walked into the room and felt the comedic wrath of both parents at once and I think the only one not mad at me in the room was-#the dog lmao sdfsdfs#rip mum I will try and help her get one of course but for now this is pretty funny#I probably got the last one of the day#firefly life#anyway that's how my life is going so far today lmao how're you guys doing
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