#and every little thing following it is kinda puzzle liece of fucking agony being settled into place and its just .
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#theres . idk wha tto describr it as but it made mt just start bawling harder#im going through it btw but this was . this was Something .#i miscarried his kid. and the fsct that i Know my first born js a girl (call it gut intuition) and that .#i spent Ages wanting that life w him and finally fucking realising that i Cant Do tbat To Myself.#but . the knowledge that hes now just gonna be someone i tell her abt inatead of .#is fucking killing me a little im ginna admit.#i just. i had a fuckign . majorly minor relaisation tonight and its gutted me a little more tgan i would rlly like to admit#and every little thing following it is kinda puzzle liece of fucking agony being settled into place and its just .#god all of this sucks btw nothinf abt this was ever easy but this is like . oh. oH. Oh. o h.#nothinf is the fuckinf same 2022 is lost to time and all i have to show for it is splotchy memories.#LMAOOOO SPOTIFY UR KILLING ME#loml . oh ur so fucked for this.#relisteinf to this and how did it end with Zeveral New Perspectives is fuckign .#its like lookibg ar myself through a glass but feeling a thread to it bc Im Still there#anyway. whateverrrrrrr#nothing fucking Matters. i can get what i want but this allegedly.#bc i cant forgive any of that shit ultimately not enough to wanna go back and have that . be on my xonscious#like . it just . idk what ppl think. its . what do i Think. what does Every Version of Me who has ever wanted that fairytale ending Think.#like looking at this n knowing every version od myself is so . i cant do that ? i cant . oddly i dont want to. i dont#like its not like i dont think ppl can change bc ive seen growth in him#just Not where it Counts (yet) and that doesnt matter . i cant . tell ny fucking child that i married the man who put me through that#then had to lose me for a fucking year and fuck around with the entire town la#likw . ifk if thats smth i can do to myself :/
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