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hbyrde36 · 1 year ago

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Chapter 17! (FINAL!)

Steve Harrington: Vampire Hunter

ao3 link

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12

Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16

CW: Smut

-Eddie-

The moment Steve was cut off from him would forever rank high on the list of the most painful moments of Eddie's life.

Not physically, that distinction would likely always go to the day he’d been killed and turned. Honestly, what Henry had been doing to him from afar on that stage had been no picnic either, but losing Steve shattered his heart.

For months Eddie had been able to feel him like a comfortable weight in the back of his mind. For a precious hour or so they had been fully open to each other, their love passing between them like a current. Strong and vibrant and sure, even in the midst of the fear and uncertainty of battle.

Then it was just… gone. Ripped away in the blink of an eye.

For a truly horrifying second he thought Steve had been killed. Angela was on top of him and Eddie couldn't see what was happening. He screamed Steve’s name and dropped to his knees, too hurt and weak from losing his human servant to put up any sort of a fight when someone came to drag him down off his platform. He was almost glad that death would be coming for him too.

Only, it didn’t.

He realized what must have happened when Angela finally rolled off of Steve and helped him to his feet.

Eddie was hanging on to consciousness by a thread, but still he was terrified of what kind of future Steve would have tied to a creature like Angela. The only bright side was that at least now he wouldn't take Steve down with him when he died.

Because Eddie would die.

It was over, they had lost.

He’d failed to save the city.

Deep down he had always known the way this fight was going to play out.

Halloween night would be a bloodbath and it was all his fault for thinking he was powerful enough to take this position in the first place. At least the man he loved would live to fight another day, he only wished he could be there to see it.

Try as he might, Eddie couldn't really follow the conversation that was happening around him, but when he saw Steve weidling the ornately carved wooden stake it was all too easy to figure out what Henry intended.

There was something sadly poetic about the fact that it would be Steve who ended his life. It was another thing he felt like he’d always known. Either Steve would fall in love with him, or he’d kill him. Eddie never imagined that fate would bring both of those possibilities to pass but sometimes the universe has a sick sense of humor.

He smiled at Steve, trying to let him know that it was okay to do what needed to be done. There was no saving Eddie, but he could make it through this if he played his cards right.

The blow never came.

Eddie always knew that Steve was extraordinary, it’s what had attracted him to the other man from the beginning, but he was also full of surprises, never quite doing what people expected.

From one breath to the next Steve had taken down Owens and Henry both, like it was nothing. For a split second Eddie felt a surge of relief, the greatest threat in the room had been taken down, but a moment later he felt only sheer panic as he watched Steve shove a blade right through Angela's chest. Ensuring his own death as well as hers.

Because no human servant in history had ever survived their master’s death.

Steve was dying and Eddie knew nothing except that he had to get to him. Somehow he found the strength to move, rolling himself off the edge of the altar to land hard at the other man’s side. They looked into each other's eyes until Steve could no longer keep his open. Eddie continued to gaze at his face anyway, holding his hand tightly as he faded away.

The young witch, who had been standing at Henry’s side right up until she’d inexplicably switched teams to help take him down, approached. She laid her hands on Steve carefully, one on his head and the other on his chest. Eddie didn’t protest or even bother to question it, Steve was already dying, it’s not like she could make it any worse.

Dustin and the other hunter called Nancy both appeared suddenly, falling to their knees next to where he and Steve lay.

“Get your hands off of him!” She shouted at the girl, who completely ignored her.

“What's happening?” Dustin asked, voice trembling.

Eddie was still so weak that it was difficult to talk but he forced the words out anyway. “Angela, she took him from me. She gave him all four marks and made him her full servant right in the middle of the fight, cut us off from each other.”

Dustin's eyes went wide. “But, he killed her. Does that mean he? Oh my god… ”

Eddie could only nod as Dustin broke down in tears. He knew how much Steve meant to the kid and watching him realize he was about to lose him, only made his own heartbreak that much more unbearable.

“I still don’t understand! Why are you letting her touch him!” Nancy shouted again. This time all her anger was aimed at Eddie instead of the girl, as if this were all his fault. Maybe it was.

Before he could attempt to respond to her, the older man who'd come in with her and Steve got between them. He spoke softly as he pulled Nancy to her feet and tried to coax her away.

“What if you give him the first mark again?” Dustin asked, recapturing Eddie’s attention. “Would that work? Would it save him?”

In all honesty he wasn’t sure. Angela was dead, in theory her marks would be gone, fading at least.

Fading with Steve.

It was possible, maybe, but as much as it pained him Eddie wouldn't even consider trying.

“I won’t do that to him again. I ignored his wishes before and he hated me for it.”

“But mad is better than dead, Eddie!” Dustin insisted.

Eddie almost laughed. If the kid only knew.

He shook his head. “You don’t understand. You don’t know what you're asking me to do. If he manages to survive this somehow, he’ll be free. No marks. Not from me or anyone else. It’s all he wanted and I won't take that away from him, not even to save his life. Never again unless he asked me to do it himself.”

Dustin would have probably kept pushing but the fight between the older man and Nancy reached a fever pitch behind them. She pushed past him looking as if she would knock the girl out herself if that’s what it took to get her away from Steve, but the man stopped her again with a firm grip on her wrist.

“For the last time, she’s helping him! Can't you feel it?” The man hissed.

Nancy glowered at him.

He studied her face curiously. “You can't. You can’t feel anything can you? Huh, never known a null to be a hunter before. It’s impressive, if dangerous.”

Eddie couldn’t help but watch their exchange. There was something strangely familiar about the man. He wondered who he was to Steve.

“What did you call me?” She said, eyes narrowing.

The man pinched the bridge of his nose and Eddie got the distinct impression that he was barely holding back from screaming at her.

“A null, someone without any magic, not even the ability to sense it happening right in front of you.” He explained with a shake of his head.

“Oh.” She said, deflating slightly.

“She’s anchoring him here, trying to keep him in his body.” The older man said.

“Steve is strong. He wants to stay so badly but his spirit keeps trying to go. I am helping.” The girl added, speaking for the first time though she kept her eyes trained on her work.

Nancy looked between all of them then turned and stalked off with a huff.

“I’ll talk to her.” Dustin said, sniffling as he got up to follow.

Eddie glanced up at the older man, struck again by how familiar he looked, something about his eyes. “Thank you, uh… “ He trailed off.

“Wayne.”

“Wayne.” Eddie nodded in greeting as best he could. “Are you like Steve, an animator? Is that how you knew what she was doing?”

“Yes, I suppose it’s similar enough to what we do that I could feel her intention.” Wayne began, smiling down at Steve fondly. “And while I do raise zombies, even trained your boy there once upon a time, there’s no one like Steve.”

Eddie smiled too and had to choke back a sob. Wayne was right, there was no one like his sweetheart.

Wayne crouched down and placed a comforting hand on Eddie’s back. “Don’t give up on him just yet, He’s got power like nothing I ever felt, just doesn’t like to use it. If anyone can beat the odds, it’s him.”

The gentleness was almost too much for him to bear and Eddie started to shrink away from the touch out of pure self preservation, but suddenly he remembered where he’d seen the older man’s eyes before. It was a very long time ago.

“What did you say your last name was again?” he asked, blinking up at Wayne, dumbfounded.

“I didn't,” Wayne chuckled. “I was adopted as an infant but my birth name was Munson.”

Eddie sucked in a sharp breath. “So you’re my… ” He trailed off, too tired to try and count back the generations.

“You can just call me uncle Wayne if you like, everyone else does.”

It surprised a huff of laughter out of Eddie, a true miracle considering the current circumstances. “Technically wouldn't I be the uncle in this situation? I am far older than you.” He pointed out.

Wayne shrugged as if that was irrelevant.

Eddie looked back at Steve, heartened to see that his chest was still rising and falling, and that the lines of his face had smoothed out into something more relaxed. He now looked more like he was sleeping and less like he was fighting for his life.

“You love him?” Wayne asked.

“More than anything.”

“Good.”

-Steve-

The first thing Steve noticed as his consciousness gradually returned to him was that he was somehow still alive. A shocking revelation, considering. The second thing he noticed was that for the first time in a long time he was completely alone in his own mind and body.

There was no trace of Angela in his head.

He’d done it. She was dead, had to be. He was sure, it was the only way he was free of her. God only knew how he had survived her death but he’d worry about that later.

The last thing he remembered was looking into Eddie’s eyes as they both lay broken and bleeding on the floor. He tried to sit up before he’d even opened his eyes but his limbs felt like lead.

“Eddie?! Eddie!” He attempted to shout but the words came out breathy and weak.

“Steve?” A faraway voice said, and then someone was shaking him. “Steve, are you awake?” They said again much closer this time.

Wait, that was Robin’s voice. What was she doing here? No, no it was too dangerous for her.

“Rob?” He croaked out, still unable to really move. “What are you… no… not safe.”

“It’s alright, you’re alright. Can you open your eyes?”

When he did finally manage to open his eyes, he got a glimpse of Robin's face for about 0.2 seconds before squeezing them shut again. The light streaming in through the windows hurt.

“Bright.” He said, wincing.

Windows?

Not the theater then, or the underground even. He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.

He tried to remain calm and began to notice other little things around him. Like the softness of the bed underneath him. The familiar smell of his laundry detergent, and the pinch of an IV in his arm.

“Shit, sorry. Hang on.” She said. A moment later the light behind his eyelids dimmed and he cracked them open once again.

Robin's face swam into view and she broke out into a watery smile.

He tried to return it but he was in enough pain that he was pretty sure it came off as more of a grimace. He was still so confused, but at least now he knew where he was, lying in his own bed at home, even if he didn’t know how that was possible.

Robin disappeared briefly and returned with a cup of water and a straw, allowing him to take a few small sips.

Much better.

Steve cleared his throat. “Eddie, is he? Robin, did he?” He couldn't bring himself to finish the question or even the thought. He had to know, but he wasn’t sure he could handle it if he had somehow survived and Eddie hadn't.

“He’s fine, Steve. I'm a little more worried about you right now. How do you feel?”

“He’s alive then? Are you sure? Are you sure he’s fine?” He couldn't get his last image of Eddie out of his mind. It was all he could see when he closed his eyes.

“Yes, I'm sure.” She said, exasperated.

He tried to sit up again and found that this time he could. He unceremoniously yanked the I.V. out of his arm and tried to stand. He had to go, he had to get up out of this bed and find Eddie, wouldn’t rest until he could see for himself that he was okay.

“Steve! Stop! what are you doing?!”

His legs buckled and he would have fallen if not for Robin catching him around the middle. She lowered him gently back to the bed.

“I have to find him, you don’t understand. I… “ Tears welled up in his eyes, spilling over to roll down his cheeks as Robin knelt, throwing her arms around him. He buried his face in her shoulder and gave himself over to it. She held him tight as sobs shook his body. She rocked them slowly, petting his hair and whispering comforting nonsense to him until he calmed.

She pulled back and held his face between her hands. “I get it, okay? Eddie told me everything, but you need to rest. You don’t have to go anywhere to find him, he’s here. He’s been at your bedside as much as he could. The only reason he isn’t sitting here right now is because the sun is still up. He and Dustin are holed up in your basement.”

Steve gulped. “How long has it been?”

“You’ve been out for quite a while. That’s why Joyce had you hooked up to that I.V. I wanted to take you to the hospital but Wayne was adamant that you’d be happier at home so she volunteered to keep an eye on you.”

He was touched that the wererats cared enough to do that for him. He’d have to find some way to thank them.

“I do hate hospitals.” He said eventually.

She rolled her eyes. “So I heard.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while but hard as he tried Steve still couldn't stop worrying about Eddie.

“What time is it?” He asked.

She checked her watch. “4:00 in the afternoon, why?”

It would be dark soon. Eddie might already be awake for the day.

He looked at her, eyes pleading.

“Oh no you don’t. Those puppy dog eyes don’t work on me. You need to stay. In. bed. Your vampire will be up here as soon as the sun goes down.”

“Please?” He begged. “I have to see him.”

“Fine.” She sighed heavily and stood, pulling one of his arms up and over her shoulder to help him stand.

“How do I look?” He asked through gritted teeth and they made their way slowly, one step at a time through the room.

“Like you’ve been half dead for 3 days.” She muttered.

“Rob,” he groaned.

Steve was too busy watching his own feet to see, but he just knew she was rolling her eyes at him again. “He's been worried sick. He’s not going to care what you look like.”

Logically he knew she was right and not even the promise of a shower would have stopped him from seeing Eddie as soon as possible, but he still felt self conscious as they made it out of his bedroom and rounded the corner.

The door to the basement was down a short hallway, there were no windows in the direct area, but even so Steve made sure to open it slowly and carefully. Before he knew what was happening he was being transferred from one set of arms to another and found himself enveloped in Eddie’s cool embrace.

The vampire buried his face in Steve's neck, and he in turn buried his in Eddie’s curls, inhaling his familiar and comforting scent deeply as the painful tightening in his chest began to ease.

“What are you doing here? You should be resting.” Eddie said, the words muffled where his mouth was pressed to Steve's skin.

“Had to see you.” Steve replied, unable to keep his voice from shaking.

They stood at the top of the landing just holding each other for a long time, neither saying a word until finally Eddie lowered them to the floor, cradling Steve in his lap.

Eddie kept stroking his hair and Steve's hands kept wandering under Eddie’s t-shirt, fingertips gliding over bare skin, both unwilling to stop touching for a second.

“I’m sorry I wasn't there when you woke up.” Eddie whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of his head.

Steve leaned into him and sighed. “The sun.”

“Yeah.”

“I love you.” Steve said, turning so he could rest his forehead against the vampire’s. “I know you felt it, but I never said it, and– “ his breath hitched, throat tightening at the thought of how close he came to never getting to say it. “Now that we can’t… I need you to know, to hear it.”

“I love you too.”

A little while later, once the sun had finally set for the day, Eddie carried him back to his room and drew a bath. He wasn’t sure where Robin had gone.

Eddie stripped him of his clothes and then made quick work of his own before getting them both into the tub. He carefully washed Steve's hair and body, making him feel more precious and cared for than he had since he was a small child.

“What happens now?” Steve asked as Eddie pulled him in the settle against his chest.

“Well, we should probably get out soon and dry off before you fall asleep and drown.”

“You say that as if you’re not already holding me up.”

Eddie let out a breathy puff of laughter against the back of his neck before pressing a kiss there. Steve squirmed, heat rising in his blood from more than just the warm water, but he wouldn’t let himself get distracted.

“You know what I mean, us.”

“What happens between us is up to you. I want to be with you, in whatever capacity you’ll have me. Hell, I'd ask if we could move in together right now, but I have a feeling that might be a bit too much too fast.”

Steve made a little hum of agreement, though it sounded wonderful actually, never having Eddie out of his sight again, within reason anyway, but there was a lot they probably needed to figure out before jumping in with both feet.

“And the other thing?”

“I don’t know what to say.” Eddie shrugged. “You no longer bear any of my marks.”

“Does it bother you?”

“No.” Eddie answered quickly. “I… this is all you wanted, to be free, so no, I can't regret that they’re gone.”

“But do you miss it?” Steve asked. He wasn’t even sure why he was pushing except that, hypocritical as it would be, maybe a small part of him missed it, and he wondered if their new lack of connection would change things.

Eddie hesitated, groaning “Steve– ”

He turned in the water to sit more sideways in Eddie’s lap so they could see each other better, thankful that the tub was big enough to allow for it. “It’s okay, if you do.”

“Of course I do. Having that connection to you, it was amazing. Even when you hated me I had this little piece of you riding around in my head.” Eddie smiled to himself. “Our shared dreams were pretty incredible too.”

Steve's cheeks were set ablaze with the reminder of their earliest encounters, and he had to stop himself from daydreaming about reenacting one of two of those scenarios in real life. He promised himself he’d revisit those thoughts again when he was a little more healed.

“So it wasn’t all about the power you could gain?” Steve asked.

He was teasing, mostly. Although he believed that he meant more than that to Eddie now, he still felt like it was as good a time as any to get his worries and fears out in the open. It was nothing they hadn’t discussed before, but he hadn’t been ready to listen then, hadn’t been willing to believe Eddie could have anything but dark motives. Now he was ready to hear the truth.

Eddie smoothed the damp hair back from Steve’s face. “I marked you the first time to save your life. Not just because you were hurt, but because I knew what you were walking into and even back then I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to you. I knew it would give you a better chance at surviving Billy. The second mark I'll admit I did to save myself. I didn't even think about what it would mean for you, and I'm so sorry for that. I was grasping at straws and the connection to you was right there and… I’m not proud of it.”

“It’s okay.”

“Is it?” Eddie asked softly. He sounded so small and fragile. He stared down at the water, refusing to meet Steve’s eyes anymore. “Because I mean, fuck, I even did it to you a third time after you told me you’d have rather died than been marked at all.”

Steve’s heart sank. He had said that, and at the time he’d meant it, but after nearly having to watch the man he loved die, after coming so close to having to stake Eddie himself, his perspective had changed.

“Robin begged you, you were saving my life– ” Steve tried to interject, to defend Eddie’s actions, but the vampire kept beating himself up.

“But I didn’t even consider other options! I could have… I should have tried harder, called a doctor or something, anything.” Eddie finally looked back up, meeting Steve's gaze once again, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

“Eddie,” Steve breathed, sliding around the rest of the way until he was straddling the other man’s hips. “I already have.”

Eddie surged up to capture his lips in a sweet and lingering kiss. He was being so gentle, so careful with Steve in his current condition. He knew he was weak and still healing but what he wanted from the vampire now was anything but gentle.

Steve clung to Eddie’s shoulders, as much to pull the other man closer as it was to keep himself upright. He deepened the kiss, grinding down into Eddie's lap as best he could and was rewarded with the vampire’s half hard cock sliding between his cheeks.

“Want you.” Steve said, breaking the kiss and panting into Eddie’s mouth.

“Baby, we can't,” Eddie argued, even as he thrust his hips upwards, pulling a desperate whine out of Steve's throat.

Suddenly Eddie’s arms locked around him. One wound around his waist, the other tucked under the swell of his ass. The vampire stood with ease holding all of Steve’s weight. He tried to wrap his legs around Eddie but the muscles just wouldn’t cooperate, not that it mattered. One second they were stepping out of the tub, water dripping off both of them to splatter all over the bathroom floor, the next they were beside Steve's bed and he was being gently laid down on top of fresh sheets.

He felt a chill as the air hit his soaking wet skin, but he had a feeling that he wouldn’t be cold for much longer.

Eddie stared down at him, eyes wild with hunger that had nothing to do with blood as he climbed up onto the bed to settle between his legs. He kissed and licked and sucked the water from Steve’s skin until he reached the place where he was achingly hard and equally dripping.

The vampire flattened his tongue, licking a wide stripe up the underside of his cock and Steve was reminded of that very first dream all those months ago, where Eddie had dropped to his knees in the alley. He’d also bitten Steve’s inner thigh, which, though it hadn’t actually happened, had terrified him then. The idea of it now though was anything but scary. He wanted Eddie inside of him in every way possible, fangs, fingers, cock, all at once preferably.

Sadly he knew he wasn’t up for it tonight, but that was fine. They were alive and in love and there would be many more nights in their future to explore all the ways in which he wanted Eddie to ruin him.

Eddie began to work him by hand, holding only the head of him between his lips, swirling his tongue and being oh so careful to keep his fangs out of the way. Steve writhed under his touch, his orgasm building already though it’d only been a few minutes. He tried to hold still but couldn’t stop from bucking his hips a little, greedy for the feel of Eddie’s mouth on him. There was a brush of teeth and small pinprick of pain that only added to Steve's growing pleasure. Eddie moaned around him and that was all it took to push him over the edge. He came hard, remembering too late to try and muffle his shouts of ecstasy. He could only hope Robin had taken a walk or something. Eddie worked him through it, catching his release on his tongue and swallowing it all.

Eddie moved up to lay next to him, pulling Steve into his side. He made a valiant attempt at reaching for Eddie to return the favor, but he was too tired to move his arms.

“Don’t worry about me sweetheart.” Eddie said, kissing his way up the side of Steve’s jaw. “This was just for you, rest now.”

“You’ll stay?”

“Until the sun drives me away.”

“Could move the bedroom into the basement.” Steve said through a yawn.

Eddie brushed his fingers up and down Steve's body, caressing every inch of bare skin he could reach. “You don’t want that.”

“I do if it means you can stay with me.”

“That sounds an awful like moving in talk, I thought we agreed too much too soon?”

Steve let out a contented sigh. “Taking it slow is overrated.” He said finally, right on the verge of falling asleep.

Over the next few days Steve received a lot of visitors.

Joyce came by the morning after he woke up to see how he was doing physically, and apart from insisting that he needed a lot more rest, said he looked like he was well on his way to a full recovery.

Jane was with her too. The wererats had apparently taken her in following the battle, and Will and Gareth had promised to help find her sister in Steve’s place since he would be out of commission for a while.

She laid her hands on him, much the same way Eddie had described her doing the night he almost died, and gave him a more mystical checkup. She looked mildly concerned, it seemed his power wasn’t returning to him as quickly as his body was healing but she was confident it would come with time. She promised that when it did, she would work with him to harness his magic and learn to wield it more effectively. He could honestly say he was looking forward to that.

After that first night Steve had doubled down, asking Eddie to stay and also to move the contents of his room into the basement. Dustin saw the writing on the wall, and had graciously agreed to move out of Steve’s place and go back to the theater underground to spend his days and give them some privacy. He still came by often, usually driven by Wayne who had taken quite a shine to him.

His father even deigned to visit one afternoon, mostly to see if Steve was lying about being ill, which was the story Robin had come up with to explain his absence from work. Things started out uncomfortable and only got worse when Eddie rose for the day and came up from the basement. Bert took one look at the vampire and lost his mind. Steve had already been ready to hand in his resignation upon his return to work, so it was no big loss to quit on the spot, and even less of a loss to tell his father that he had no interest in being his son any longer.

That had felt good, and it was a long time coming.

Nancy never showed. Steve wasn’t really surprised, and he wasn't upset by it either. He had no doubt she was aware of his connection to Eddie now, their relationship. She might have fought on their side in this particular battle but he knew she would struggle with him being so close to another vampire. Dustin was one thing, she’d known him since he was a kid, but Eddie was nothing but a bloodsucker to her, a stranger whom she’d been hired to kill on more than one occasion. He wasn’t afraid she would come after them, not really, but he knew she’d need some time to process things at the very least. She did text to check up on him once she heard he was awake, and that was enough for now.

The last visitor, and the one he was looking least forward to, was Hopper. Not that he didn’t want to see the man, he just hated lying to him.

The chief had heard, of course, about the show at the theater on Halloween eve and Steve’s starring role in it.

Steve had worried briefly about being brought up on charges for killing not one but three people, well, two vampires and one human servant, but it seemed Eddie’s vampires had done well in getting rid of the bodies.

Everyone who had been in the audience that night had believed that it was all an act. Eddie was being heralded in the press for his state of the art special effects.

Hopper had seen a few videos online and was skeptical, a feeling that only got worse as he was blown off time and again, first by Robin and then Wayne, when he had tried to get in touch with Steve during his coma.

In the end, after he’d convinced Hopper he was recovering from a nasty flu, he’d assured him that the whole thing was indeed all a show, and the older man had no choice but to accept it. He did wonder why Steve was involved, and he took that as an opportunity to open up to the chief about his relationship with the Master of the City. He kept it brief, no details of their past since he didn’t owe the man that, and it was all too incriminating for words. He simply said his boyfriend owned the theater and had asked him to be in the production.

It took a moment for the information to sink in, and Hopper gave several long blinks before responding.

“You’re a grown man so I'm not going to sit here and tell you what you should and shouldn’t do with your life, but I hope you know what you’re doing there.”

“I do, Hop. I promise.”

The older man nodded. “I know you better than to worry if this will interfere with your work, I know it won’t, and as long as he makes you happy, then I guess I’m happy for you.”

“He does. He really does.”

Steve knew that the future he and Eddie faced would be difficult and uncertain at times. When their relationship went public, and it was only a matter of time until it would, they would be thrust into the spotlight. Not everyone would be happy for them.

He was still a vampire hunter and Eddie was not only a vampire but the most well known one in the country.

Steve would still hunt down the bad guys and bring any vampires to justice who deserved it, but he would also stand up to support his friends, family, and all law abiding monsters.

Some would view them as an abomination but many more would see them as proof that love is love, and humans and vampires as well as other creatures could exist side by side in harmony.

And If their mere existence together could make others in unconventional relationships feel more confident and comfortable being seen? Then it was absolutely worth it.

Thanks forever to @penny00dreadful for being the best friend, cheerleader, and beta in the whole fucking world💜

#steddie fanfic #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #steve harrington/eddie munson #enemies to lovers #vampire eddie munson #vampire hunter steve harrington #vampire dustin henderson #good uncle wayne #happy ending #steddie fic #ao3 #steddie #steve x eddie #complete #steve harrington: vampire hunter

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theyhaveacavetroll · 10 months ago

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Tagged by @pazithigallifreya. Thanks, I love doing these!

Tagging @partiallypearl, @imfunnyandrude, and anyone else that wants to!

1 How many works do you have on AO3? 90 works

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 585,148

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Cure for Sorrow

Cup of Their Deserving

As a Stranger Give it Welcome

Reclamation

To the Upper Air

Obligatory disclaimer: I'm only proud of three out of these five, but I'm glad that people are still getting something out of the other two. Cure for Sorrow and As a Stranger were written when I was a different person and well before the finale of Black Sails. 'Nough said.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, yes. I sometimes run out of time and energy because I work a full-time job where I'm out of my apartment 12.5 hours a day during the week.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don't write fics with angsty endings. Battle Raven comes the closest and even that isn't angst, it's just not sunshine and roses. If you want dark fic or real angst, I'm not your girl.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think most of my fics have happy endings. If I had to pick a "and then they all lived happily ever after" fic it's probably most of the stuff in my Fate The Winx Saga works.

7. Do you write crossovers?

Yes, when the idea occurs to me! I'm particularly fond of You Steele Know My Name, which I WILL finish, I swear.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not hate. I've received weird comments and "when will you update" no other feedback given comments, but nothing truly mean.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yep! I've written kink and what I'd consider vanilla, or at least nothing to write home about. I've gotten better at it over the years.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of and that is NOT a challenge.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Again, not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yep! I have quite a few co-written fics with various people.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

In terms of what rewrote my DNA? Probably Flinthamilton but in terms of a ship that I always come back to where I have no negative fandom associations and endless, endless need to fix canon? Bagginshield.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

And the Sea With Its Deepness, aka the Black Sails fic where I faked everyone out with the first chapter specifically to enjoy the screams of "wait, that's WHO that got nabbed?!!" I want to come back to it but... yeesh, the fandom. I left for a Reason, and then there's the fact that I just can't with writing a certain character anymore.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Plot and dialogue. I'm one of the best damn mimics of character voices you'll ever meet and that's just facts.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes. Action scenes are the bane of my existence, and I have a tendency to end paragraphs on an em dash too often that I've been trying to curb. A few is fine but there is such a thing as excess.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I like to do it but only in short bursts and for languages I can be confident I'm getting right.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Probably Star Wars when I was very, very, VERY young indeed.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

Does it count if I have an unpublished WIP already? If so, then Downton Abbey and The Hobbit. If not, then honestly I have no idea.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Ironically, arguably my favorite is one none of you have even seen and might not because I have no idea if I'll ever finish it. It's long, it's sprawling, and I've worked absurdly hard on it but it's just. so. much. As to finished fics, though - probably Reclamation. It's got Themes and everything.

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badnikbreaker · 2 years ago

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LITTLE MUSE FACTS.

Instructions: fill out the questions about your muse, repost, and tag as many people as you want!

1) What does your muse smell like?:

Usually something sweet; a little sugar, a little honey, et cetera. It's not overwhelming, though! Occasionally she'll wear perfume, but even then she gravitates towards sweet scents.

2) How often does your muse bathe/shower?:

In most situations, she bathes daily; even if she's bonkers busy, she bathes at least ever three days or after a battle. Despite gravitating towards long showers or baths with lots of nice soaps and the like, they're also a master of the three minute shower when needed. If they're out in the field, they're also fine with a dunk in the nearest lake or river, though will want a proper shower once they're back in civilization.

3) Does your muse have any tattoos or piercings?:

Nope! They've thought about earrings, though; they're honestly just a little squeamish about how it'll hurt. Maybe someday!

4) Any body movement quirks? (EX: tapping heel, shaking knee):

Amy sways, bounces on the heels of her feet, and talks with her hands; it's all very cute! The bouncing on the heels of her feet in particular is a stim, and she's done it since she was a child. Since the war, you might also notice her hand flexing and then curling tight when she's startled; it's a brief, instinctual urge to summon her hammer that she immediately reigns in. Always ready for a fight. It's a minor movement, so few people notice.

5) What do they sleep in?:

Amy is a guy with pajamas. Many pajama. She loves a comfy nightgown, but has lots! Sometimes out in the field this isn't an option, though, any Amy can sleep in almost anything.

6) What’s their favorite piece of clothing?:

Their red dress! It's cute, it's simple, it's easy to fight in, and they look adorable in it. They've got a few things they've nabbed ( with permission! ) from friends, including Sonic, and those come in close second — even if they are too shy to wear anything from Sonic out and about. They get so red just thinking about it!

7) What do they do when they wake up?:

Amy's an early riser through and through! They typically rise with the sun, and assuming they're between adventures that might necessitate something else, they usually start some coffee, do some stretches while it brews, then sip on their coffee while they finish a few easy chores; they like to feel productive in the morning!

A lot of the time, especially if they beat the sun, they'll run someplace nearby to watch it rise — barring that, their roof has a pretty great view! ( three guesses where this habit comes from, and the first two don't count. )

8) How do they sleep? Position?:

Amy's not a cute sleeper; she always ends up in the silliest position you've ever seen somehow. On their stomach with their legs splayed, curled into a ball and drooling, et cetera... The one exception is if she's cuddling with someone, in which case her instinctive urge to cling a little prevents much of the tossing and turning that turns her into a weird pretzel.

She doesn't sleep especially well these days — nightmares, et cetera — so she often ends up up for an hour or so in the middle of night. If she has a lot of excess energy from a bad dream, she'll usually take a run to burn it off. If not, she'll journal or read until she's settled enough to sleep again.

In the war and while running the Restoration, it wasn't uncommon to find her conked out at her desk — she's prone to overwork, after all. That's less common nowadays, though she still sometimes falls asleep at bad times due to overwork or stress. Poor Sonic and Knuckles...

9) What do their hands feel like?:

Pretty soft! Amy loves their moisturizers. They've got a number of small scars, but these are pretty unnoticeable, and wearing gloves most of the time means that even when she's doing hard labor, she's not developing quite the callouses you'd expect. ( said callouses were worse during the war, though. )

There is a pretty bad scar on one of their palms that stretches up past their wrist, which doesn't feel great and can be a little sensitive.

tagged by: @lightdash AME MY FRIEND AME

tagging: YOU !

#dash games.#sorry for not tagging im Sleepy

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cent-scratchnsniff · 4 months ago

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ramblings of a mad man that has attempted day 46 mostly for archival purposes? Sploilers obviously. If you do read though Hiii! Thank you for doing so. I'm having so much fun playing this

Includes: Apologizing to the screen for deaths caused by my ineptitude, tembling hands, pie?, apoc bird for some god damned reason it just kinda happens??, body count at 9, my favorite child (abomination) now with 12 ego gifts total, PALE DAMAGE???, and more

It took 2 hours total because of me being nervous. I love coffee

im scared. ive just been stat and gift grinding day 41-45 for the past few hours of the game. everyone is above 100 fortitude. there is three people per department at the least currently (excluding safety and training). about 5 aleph inside my facility but it honestly isnt that bad. two sets of gear for all due to being done with disciplinary's core suppression which ive done all of them so far actually.

WHY THE HELL DID IT MAKE ME PICK TWO. WHY DID IT MAKE ME PICK TWO (soon found out why it made me pick two.) i got big bird and wall gazer. terrified to re extract so i didnt. was thinking of mem rep after just doing apoc bird for that sweet sweet beautiful gear for my favorite little agent (maxim) but decided that i should at least try the day in its enirety.

WHY IS THE DEPARTMENT SO GOD DAMN MASSIVEM FICK. WHY IS THERE 8 SLOTS!!! I DIDNT KNOW THIS!!!! I didnt get any spoilers for mechanics day 45 and onward PLEASE KEEP IT LIKE THAT. SHHH. im honestly so so SO excited. I love feeling challenged. i love feeling the despair that comes up from knowing that it isnt just simply repetition anymore to where it loops back to insane laughter and a blooming joy i havent felt in my body for ages.

... i did not account for the fact architecture team would need agents when training though

Maxim (beloved) and Mary (got the 2% gift from nothing there?? when did that happen. go off girl boss) got moved down to there. I LOVE LOB POINTS!!! RAUGHHHH

twas at this moment i realized the meltdowns were going to be facility wide again. oh god. oh YES!!!

CHRIST THE DEPARTMENT IS MASSIVE WHAT THE HELLLLL it did not go where i thought it would the hallways are so LONG and it was at this moment i also realized big bird was a clerk lover as well. yes. put big bird in the department with the LONGEST HALLWAYS KNOWN TO MAN!!!! Goodness Gracious. Doing typical works, hoping for gifts but at this point everyone is level V (except for melendez his fotitude is V though hes just on train duty (i had the fuck ass train in central since day 27)) and EX on fotitude and most other stats. the newer hires had been positioned in record and Extraction for a bit. record is just alephs. and one teth tool. Blue star, nothing there, the silent orchestra. ow. extraction is actually rather chill? the one painting tool, CENSORED (okay not chill i just dont touch it because its a pain to wait for sanity to get back up and i already got the weapon), little red, and king of greed.

white dawn with dawn WHITE DAWN!!!

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE FIXERS IN MY GOD DAMN FACILITY!!! WHO SENT MERCS ON MY ASS!!!!!

lmao nvmd aint shit

IT CAUSED THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT TO HAVE A MELTDOWN!!!!

bella. bella lobe of my life. please. please get a normal with the pink lamma. PLEASE GET A NORMAL WITH THE LAMMA. BELLA!!!!! BELLLAAA!!!!!!!!

im cooked its getting iut isnt it

YEAHHHHH BELLA SWEEP WE ARE ALL FINE

Was worried about the mirror of readjustment (?) melting down and if there was a new mechanic about it and if i NEEDED to resolve meltdowns like in binah's but nope. its fine. tools arent a problem still.

WHY IS ALL AROUND HELPER OUT? WHAT?? its nota. big problem oj its own BUT HOW!!!! ITS IN SAFETY TEAM ORDEAL SPAWNED INSIDE DISCIPLINARY!?!? almost forgot this was categorized as a core suppression so sephirah communication is down. hold on. looking at logs

??? ??? okay it looks like it was just always normal work. guys. you have attatchment over 100 or 100. why are tou getting NORMAL on ALL AROUND HELPER for REPRESSION WORK. im disappointed. not mad but just a bit disappointed. mods(agents). ban it

thinking about it. if dawn is WAW already . whats going to happen next. what level is going to happen when noons activates

just doin typical works rn. nothing special. gotta get to noon

?!?!?!??! WHO KEEPS SENDING FIXERS INTO THE COMPANY TO KILL ME. but also WAW its okay. ..... What do you mean its immune to white damage. most of central control 1 is WHITE DAMAGE DEALERS

WHY IS THER E TWO OF THEM!!!!! WHY IS THE OTHER ONE RED!!!!

HILT SHIT WHAT. OH MY GOD WHATHF holy shit . uhm. mosb is going to breach. uhhh dubbed mosb bully pair go juggle it for a bit

shit how did they die. im sorry. whatm fffffff ukckk. WHY IS VERA DEAD. oh when the white fixer goes down to pray it. does. red damage.... (my ass thought it was only white) fuckin religious ass.

WHY ARE YOU AIMING UP!! oh okay just go ahead and do a circle. uh huh. mhm. yupm just a god damn circle.

WHAT THE HELL!!! WHAT

okay MY bad it was a PIE.

shittttttt theyre dead. ahh im so sorry my ineptitude caused you all to die... .. .

. . . . Erm. okay. uhm. mosb and little red are out. AND BIG BIRD JUST NOTICED RIGHT AFTER!! christ.

mosb suppressioned. easy as FUCK dude it isnt shit. little red was also done, sent maxim over to help (has mimicry gear so red damage wasnt a problem).

errmmmmmmm game plan. kill all clerks at the start of the day via execution. i feel bad but they will die regardless so its better to get it out of the way

... oh dear.

Big bird is still out. i need to check on train and even tools like train count towards punishing bird's qliphoth going down. I KNOW I MENTIONED TO PEOPLE BEFORE THAT APOC BIRD WOULD BE GREAT. BUT NOT RIGHT NOW!!!! WE HAVE A SITUATION!!!!!

you knowbehay. days fucked anyways. here birdy birdy

ITS STARTING oh god.

didnt type for this but judgement bird egg was dealt with. it spawned in Disciplinary while punishing bird egg is inside extraction and big bird's is inside information. i moved at least one employee per hallway (save for the few like control team only having ppodae or how ever you spell it to escape or info only having fire bird to escape.) going to small bird egg since its closer

.... fuuckkkk burrowing heaven is out i got anxious about everything else i forgot. melendez im sorry . agh i need to send someone else into that hallway. no problems when it comes to meltdowns also happening but i need someone there for train specifically since out resident babysitter is deceased

RED IS ALSO OUT. BTWM AHAHAHAHAH!!! AH. A. RED IS IN EXTRACTION. AHAH. i sent maxim and Courtney (red damage dealers that cant help with the egg) over there to try and help the agent being targeted which was positioned in the hallway. i think they might die (agent targeted) but i donthave any bullets left. im sorry ahh

THEY LIVED!!! THEY LIVED!!!! OH GOOD JOB!!!! SPLENDED WORK . second problem censored had. meltdown twice in a row but the sanity wasnt healed enough to i needed to send someone else it during that scuffle

second egg down!!! no casualties on that part so far (besides burrowing heaven which also got suppressed while the rest were working on the scuffle. im not counting burrowing heaven . . .) possessed are a bit of a problem but other than that everything was covered so far and nothing else got out. yeahhhh!!! nice work so far (i say as im talking to the screen of video game pawns)

APOC BIRD DOWN!! yeah that honestly wasnt bad at all tbh. its just violet midnight but some mechanics moved around so it wasnt hard. just a lot to manage. okay it guess thay counts as 'hard' i think im looking for the word 'overwhelming'? which it hadnt been. .... okay it isnt violent midnight at that point BUT the concept of seperate stationary entities that need to be suppressed while having to dance around aspects that you cant directly attack that does damage still stands. neither are too miserable. i actually like violet midnight over amber midnight. WHEN IT ISMT HOKMA'S SUPPRESSION AND I HAVE PAUSE!!!!

forgot vincent died. sorry vincent. ermm okay hoon go up there for me please

my favorite child. my lovely abomination. i shall have to draw you later. but for now back on track I STILL HAVE WHITE DUSK AND MIDNIGHT TO DO!!!!

well good news all the clerks are dead so we dont need to have a mosb (mountain of smiling bodies), big bird, or black swam problem. bad news. uhm. everything else that happened so far. i dont think ive had an agent casualty rate this high since my first midnight. and i had done mem rep after to bring them back. suprisingly binah wasnt that bad (final successful try at least I HAD MULTIPLE WIPES BEFORE I ACRUALLY WENT IN WITH A PLAN UNDERSTANDING ALL MECHANICS) . we arent even done yet. sighhh (only five are dead so far im scared. im not even done yet. thats screwed up.)

i might continue if it goes well. +7 stats to EVERYONE is super good. greed...

i got reloads on bullets. cleeerrrkkksss pspspsp. thank you for surviving this long but you shall need to die for the good of the group. uhm. why is there more than three. WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE. THERES ANOTHER ONE??? WHATVTHEBFHEPL

fusk. dusk. good lord. i hope. i HOPE dusk is still a WAW. if its aleph i will scream in teror and then laugh maniacally in joy. probably not sane at that point but AW HELL YEAH!!?!?! okay it started. WHATBTHEBFUCK WHY ISBTHERE FOUR. four total. four. PALE DAMAGE? why are you PALE.

okay sorry locked in for that its over. four dead the panicked were recovered. big and will be bad wolf got out somehow? i think the black fixer ends up messing with the qliphoth in the hall when still alive as it also sets qliphoth meltdowns after death. so qliphoth mechanics wouldnt be too far off. i sent little red after him though so i just maneuvered the rest of my agents around that fight. happened while still supressing the other four. courtney tanked red fixer. even if she didnt do damage she still took the brunt of the attacks with mimicry so thank you courtney that was very helpful. PALE FIXER CAN JUST FUCKIN TELEPORT PKAY??? went over with white fixer when the ganf was beating the shit of of them. not good. they lived though! the only casualties at thay point was my carelessness with black fixer for one(?) and the rest came from pale fixer. sorry.... 3 dead total then. why is everything i have white damage btw. really bad. really really bad i need to fix that.

refill of bullets for midnight thank you. couldnt find it at first but the odreal (CLAW??? CLAW?????!?!?) is in central command department 2 on the top most floor. grouped everyone up before hand and then sent them in. WHY IS HE RESISTANT TO EVERYTHING. WHY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT BE ANOTHER BINAH I KNOW YOURE BOTH RELATED TO THE HEADBBIT PLEASEE!!!! DONT HAVE A SEXOND PHASE FOR AN ORDEAL THAT WOULD BE SCREWED UP!!!!?!?!

WHY IS THERE MARKERS ON MY EMPLOYEES

nvmd that was. so fucking easy? literally got stun locked after the gang just dog piled him. less than a minute. about 30 seconds on 2x speed. BUT ITS OVER!!!!!!

surprisingly good rating score. body count is at 9 but everyone did a good job. now for the story

AHGHHGEGBGKGIJMENGJGOHORJG

wow. okay. erm. glad i did the core suppressions HAHA ohhh god. that got me teary for a bit for some reason. god i love lob corp so so much

#lobotomy corporation #lobcorp #lobcorp spoilers

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wack-ashimself · 1 year ago

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Got to vent about the X-files. Would not read i a die hard fan...

It is overreacted. Sure maybe cuz I am watching it 20 years after the fact but….ugh.

I like it. It is like twilight zone in the 90s. But there is SO MUCH FUCKING WASTED TIME. HOURS over the years that add up to…waiting for them to do something.

No joke, I have gotten so used to their predictable (made for tv commercials) format, until the last ½ of the show, I can just have it playing in the background, listening, and I won’t miss anything important because the dialogue is almost the ONLY important aspect.

The special effects are cheap. ESPCIALLY the first couple seasons. The make up looked like it was done by high schoolers. You could see the glue, the bad fade between colors, etc. So watching for a monster scare usually ain’t fucking worth it.

And that’s ALL this show is: jump scares. I only keep watching cuz the plots/storylines are USUALLY solid. But to get there is 90%: looking at something, walking thru something, driving to something, slowly turning a corner at something, etc. It’s all hold your breath and either something scary or something that is NOTHING happen.

The acting is just one step (one TINY step) above a soap opera. I have no fucking idea how david D got and kept this job (kidding-he became a producer & writer. That’s how many of them keep this shit show going. Also found that’s why he left for so long-he wasn’t getting paid for also writing he claims). But after he leaves, it actually gets fucking worse! No joke, because of how bad everyone is after mulder leaves, not only are season 8 and 9 so far the worst things this show has EVER produced (so many plot holes and bad logics almost BREAK this series’ heart), but…I actually want him back? Ew. But the show was better when it was mulder and scully. Not fucking t2 bad guy & some mulder lady wanna be, with scully checking in for the paycheck.

I just have a rule when it comes to this shit. Most tv shows before digital were written explicitly to get 100 episodes (can’t get good rerun money till 100 is hit), keep people invested and watching (even if NOTHING is fucking happening) and always hit that 44:44 run time. So subtract anything that makes you go over and put in filler (ANY) to get to that time. Put in filler they did. I would say 1/5 of each episode is. And….hold your breath moment/traveling moments/investigating moments when ALL they are doing is looking around IS NOT WRITING, IS NOT INTERESTING, and is fucking lazy. HOW this show won awards is beyond me. Maybe cuz I watched it well after it aired but…this feels like the bare minimum of quality, not the max. I guess they didn’t have much competition in the 90s…

I will finish the series, and I don’t regret watching it. There are enough episodes with twists, turns, and I didn’t see that comings to make it worthwhile. The bare minimum I ask for is to be surprised, and this show usually turns that out. But…seasons 8 & 9 (ain’t looking forward to 10 & 11, tho I know mulder does come back) are what I would feel if someone was given all the past lore of the x-files, forced to use 2 new characters that…have no real depth, and said ‘make it as good as it was before.’ NO. You are giving me nothing to work with besides a budget; you ain’t giving me time or more writers. Ugh.

Twilight zone was way better tho. Their Special effects (for the time) were ASTOUNDING. And to this day (like x-files, I will admit) there are clear as day shows/movies totally stolen from these series. In the first….3-4 seasons of the x-files, swear to god there were at least….5 movies that I KNOW were heavily influenced if not outright stolen from the x-files. Nothing is original. Cuz a lot of these x-files were, go figured, based on the twilight zone. THAT is a series I need to watch in full. But I think they had even more episodes than x files….

Either way: X-files is solid sci fi, but with so much filler, and it going to shit after season 7, they honestly should have let it die…

I just want a sci fi/horror/thriller not to be majority hold your breath moments. They’re way too fucking easy, predictable (either something happens or nothing happens. Ain’t no fence on this one), and rarely add. I mean, seriously, how long are jump scares going to be scary? Especially when you see them coming…fuck it. Now I want to do the opposite: make a movie consisting ONLY of jump scares. But I heard that’s the conjuring so….

#xfiles #the x-files #mulder #scully

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dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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5/8/23

Not the most eventful day, to be honest. I slept decently well. I think I got woken up once or twice by neighbors but got back to sleep okay. Oddly enough, ever since I ditched the earplugs I've been sleeping better. Maybe they were messing with me, idk. So much for trying to like... take preventative measures to practice sleep hygiene. The whole point of doing the earplugs was to get better sleep. I expected this massive night-and-day difference because I was finally getting undisturbed sleep, but naw... it somehow made it worse.

It's been a pretty cool week to be an insomniac, the moonset and sunrise have been syncing up, so I get to look out the window from bed and see the pale blue of morning start to soak the sky as the moon grows larger and yellow on its way down. Very picturesque, very memorable.

So yeah, again... not too much today. I had some dreams about my ex last night. Not my most recent ex (who I broke up with in 2018...), thank god... those dreams are rarely good... But my ex from college, actually. --- There's a duck quacking outside my window... at this hour, that's... not often a good sign... best of luck, buddy. --- After studying my dreams this long, I've started learning a lot of how my subconscious expresses itself symbolically. Despite the brevity of the relationship (that one was only about 8 months) and how... kinda horribly it ended... that relationship usually represents... idealism in a relationship, to me. At a subconscious level, at least. Because the experience of that relationship, for me at the time, was pure idealism. It was "I am so insanely lucky and blessed to have this opportunity". So, despite the blindness that came with that at the time... that's typically what she represents when she pops up in a dream. The focus of an ideal relationship or an ideal partner, even though the girl herself wasn't that in real life at all.

I wish I thought to record the dream, I've started to notice that I don't often journal the "normal" ones or the "good" ones as often as the "surreal" and "bad" ones. But, from my almost empty recollection, it was mostly just like... normal relationship stuff. Going and doing stuff in the world, buying things for the apartment, stuff like that. I remember it feeling very... normal. And that inspired me to hop on the dating app the second I woke up. And I went through everyone available, swiped a few that looked like we might mesh well, and... nothing came of it. As usual. 3 years of this, you think I'd learn by now not to get my hopes up with that.

I'm sure that was on my mind because I was watching a stream last night where the streamer was playing an FMV dating game, and one of the dates in the game was... a bit too close to my current identity. I mean, if you subtracted the kombucha, the veganism, the parents in political office, and the activism... and swapped genders... it wasn't far off from me. And there's one line from it that hit me pretty hard. This chick ran her own business making customized clothing and crafts and stuff, and the guy - on the first date - asked "wow, are you really making enough to do that full-time?" And that just... it's still stuck with me. That's a big insecurity and I have gotten a shit ton of judgment from former "friends" for it. I still don't like telling people what I do for work because of it. What helped me ground myself? The fact that the guy scoffing and rolling his eyes at a practical business like that... plays video games for a living on Twitch.

You can fucking scoff at any job, honestly. You really can, if you really try hard enough. "You answer phones for a living? That doesn't sound hard." "You pick up peoples' garbage? Why don't you just get a better job?" But creatives get shit on the hardest. Because people who have spent fuck-all time actually applying themselves to performative or expressive crafts, who wouldn't set foot on stage or put their art on a wall in front of an audience if you had a loaded gun to their head, just kinda feel like that person is "cheating at life" or something. It's like... if you love what you do, suddenly that means it's not hard... or demanding... or you don't deserve to be compensated for your labor or something. It's mind-blowing. I honestly don't get it. Starting your own cottage industry shop and pursuing your lifelong passion is like... the epitome of the American dream, isn't it? The whole "Land of Opportunity" thing? And yet... these people don't see your career as legitimate unless you're working... for someone else. Unless you're on someone else's payroll. It's very odd. Maybe that's just what they see as the definition of success, maybe they can't even process a freelance or business owner kind of thing. Idk. I've just had my head poisoned by that shit for well over a decade and a half and it sabotaged my future many times, and now I'm looking down the barrel of 37... and I'm just...

Okay, my thoughts are going too fast to keep up with so let me connect a bit here. I drew another ink drawing today - a big chunk of one, at least. I drew until my thumb ached to the bone, until I could feel the tendons in my forearm tight as guitar strings and straining, rubbing against the skin from underneath. I drew for close to 4 hours straight with a pee break and a break to get a banana and come right back. When I'm in the zone, I work until I can't anymore. And then I do more. I don't need money to motivate me to do it. I don't need fame or fortune or sex or drugs. I do it because it's what I'm here to do. And I have dedicated my life to putting as much of my life into that purpose as I possibly can. So... when I have people near me... who are supposed to be in a supportive position... instead of like... helping me connect with others who appreciate what I do, who benefit from my work, who see its importance, who value and support my work and its continued creation.... Instead, these people.. for years... convinced me that my time and efforts, were better suited laboring for someone else. At very least, the majority of my time and labor should be dedicated to someone else. And it really doesn't matter who benefits from it, or what I'm doing. Just literally anything else than what I do. Great support, yeah?

So... yeah, I'm still reeling a bit. That's a raw nerve for me. I took the leap of faith to finally embrace the title of artist again like... 4 years ago? And I'm still plunging. It's scary as shit to dedicate yourself fully to something that people actively tell you will not succeed. That takes a lot of faith. But for me... I mean... What the fuck else am I going to do?! It's what I'm wired to do! It's how I'm wired to function. I swear, I just need someone who knows like... social shit. Networking, gallery connections (?), community connections, shit like that. I'm just no good at that shit. I came from a family that considered their clients their "friends" and their idea of going out and socializing was going out to the same restaurant and ordering the same food and small-talking with the waitress for like 5 minutes while ordering food, while me and my brothers just sat there awkwardly... We barely even went on vacations and shit. I can do social shit, but it takes a lot of oomph and I really have to be in the right headspace. But good fucking lord, it would be so much easier if I had someone in my life who was willing to do that for me, who it actually did come naturally to - or at least... with me.

Ugh, I didn't want to get into that tonight. I did a good job of keeping the stitches in that wound last night, I guess it worked its way out now. My family and "friends" did a fucking number on me with that one. And yeah, I guess slaving away on this drawing for... nothing... nothing more than just another doodle in a notebook... It makes me feel really unvalued. And really unappreciated. And that hurts so bad, because I love doing this work so much, and I really feel like it is worth something. Like the decade and a half I've put into this work is worth supporting. Like this life is one that others can benefit from. But no one really seems to want to. They'd rather go to a "professional", or someone with 2k 5-star ratings, or buy something a computer made, or get an AI to make a cheap imitation for them.

Aaaaaand I'm cutting off this existential crisis right here. A big part of this is the void created when I finish a project. That void being filled with my only work today being a sketch, which... was actually really cool... but just... doesn't feel like it's going to help me get my rent paid. And that, combined with the thousands of chat reactions to a character from the stream last night, it just... it's tinder and a spark. But it's gonna take more than that to stop me. Sorry.

I don't know if I have any good vibes to end this with, honestly, though I could really use them right now. ... I'm overdue for a trip out into the world, honestly. I should go for a walk. Or, better yet, go take my electric board and go skating or something. Wow, I just have a ton of really anxious thoughts swirling around in my head right now... Like "I just don't want to go alone", and "I don't feel safe", shit like that. Over going skating on a sunny Monday. Welcome to trauma and severe anxiety, and depression. Yay.

Okay, well here's something, fuck it. I applied for the new RP server. I'm going to get declined, I guarantee it. Not dooming, I say that because people who have been RPing for years and have a video resume to back it up and paid to have their applications reviewed first? They are getting declined. So... I'm most likely not getting in. But I applied. And I barely felt anxious doing so, so that's a good step. And I didn't feel anxious on the dating app either, which is also good. So, there's some good vibes there. It's frustrating how quickly I can spiral with this shit, and how little it takes to tear apart the seams, but... I'm handling it much better than I used to. The thoughts swirl and poke through, but they don't overwhelm as much, it's not as visceral and emotional, it's just like... loud and overwhelming. But I can put it aside a bit better than I used to, and that's great progress.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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watsonphotog · 2 years ago

Photo

Self portrait. Nikon d300S. December, 2020.

Hey there, Tumblr. It’s been a while.

I had written SO much and then the draft decided to just... shit out for some goddamn reason. Glad to see this site still absolutely choogles ass.

Regardless, as much as I’ve been inactive on this website, and now as pissed as I am that I lost ALL THAT WORK, I really have been feeling the urge to start photoblogging again. This time, I’m feeling more blogging how I’m feeling along with my images, so a touch more personal than before. For some reason, I had sort of thought that was the original idea behind this thing.

But we’ll see.

Where do I even begin...?

So much has happened since that last post, and it’s nearly impossible to summarize almost 8 years in one shot, but I can probably gloss over it.

I, in fact, did not put my life back together after that last picture. In fact, I am pretty sure I fell into the deepest depression of my life a few months later. Like, only eating an apple, an orange, and two bananas each day because you couldn’t afford any more food nor did you feel like eating anything else level depression. Did wonders for my weight, but it just about shattered my ability to form and maintain memories. Seriously, my college years are kind of just a blur now, which is incredibly depressing, because I know they were some of the most important years of my life, but they’re just... gone. Not all gone, mind you, but there’s an overwhelming amount of fog there. It destroyed my relationship with a lot of people, or at least made me fizzle out in their lives... I lived for Loki, my family, and to do nothing but work. People would reach out, and I simply could not bring myself to respond. It didn’t get better for a long, long time. In retrospect, it’s honestly a miracle I’m still here... honestly, if it wasn’t for Loki or my mother, I probably wouldn’t be. I am better now, in a way where I at least am not at that level. Still haven’t gone to therapy, but I’m at least looking for one now and don’t feel like I’m at that rock bottom anymore.

To be fair, the drinking didn’t help the whole memory holes thing I mentioned, either. I wouldn’t call myself sober nowadays, but one very important memory I have in college is the time I had to work at a convention while hung over as fuck, and between hating working after a night of booze, working at least 5 days a week, and the fact I was making piss poor nothing out of college, I stopped drinking almost altogether. I won’t say no to a drink (unless I’m really not feeling it), but I think that I have a far more healthy relationship with alcohol nowadays.

Speaking of jobs and making piss poor nothing- I have been working at that same job since I got hired on a hail mary chance shortly after graduating. I am going to do my best to never name it by name on this blog (they have kind of a funny social media policy, and god help me if any of my management friends/cohort/coworkers ever find this), but I will say it’s a well loved convenience store in the mid Atlantic region and leave it at that. Nowadays, I am an assistant general manager, which is a hell of a step up from the like 8-something dollars an hour I started at. It wasn’t an easy path, and it certainly had some downfalls, but right now I am happy where I am at and I still believe in the company and what it stands for. Plus, it pays the bills, so that’s nice.

I’m still living in Philadelphia, in the same apartment I moved to after leaving The Lost World behind. It’s on a quiet(ish) little corner on the boarder of Fairmount and Brewerytown, with lots of trees nearby and some beautiful sights in walking distance. The rent is cheap for the area, my landlords leave me to my own devices, and it’s a relative hub of transit options. I’ve had a few roommates in my time here... most have not been great, but I did get to live with Luke (a highlight) and the one roommate I had here for maybe 5-6 years, Issy, ended up being one of my best friends. Right now, Loki and I are doing the solo living thing, and with my raises at work and some strict spending management on my end, it’s honestly not terrible. I’m really enjoying not having another roommate, and I hope I can keep it up for a while.

Speaking of Loki... my lil old man is doing alright. He’s had a few health scares over the years, a few bladder issues that kept him on medicated food, a heart murmur, and now thyroid problems. He’s like 13 or 14 at this point, so it’s to be expected. I think about how he’s old quite often as of late, and it fills me with a sense of dread. I don’t like that he’s in the twilight of his life, even though he still acts like a kitten with running and playing and being a little ridiculous goofball. I really can’t imagine my life without him.

As for brighter things...

I finally got over my fear of basic math and took a stab at playing Dungeons and Dragons a few years ago, and I am so glad I did. It’s honestly been a life changing thing for me, and a huge part of my social life nowadays. I started DMing in 2017 or 2018 on my birthday, and while COVID put most of the campaigns I run on hiatus, I’m slowly getting back into the DM saddle. It’s helped me make some amazing friends while also express some of those crazy story ideas I’ve had rumbling around in my brain since I was a kid. Truly a 10/10 experience.

I somehow ended up as a Twitch affiliate, and I actually get paid to stream nowadays. I was part of enough D&D streams on my own that it motivated me to start streaming games again, and shit, it paid off. I’ve been a key organizer in at least 5 fundraisers now, and helped raise a shit load of funds over the past few years for some awesome causes while doing some ridiculous things online. It’s been a great experience.

Perhaps the most shocking of all things, however, is that I finally made the discovery and come to grips with the fact I’m polyamorous. If you’ve known me for as long as I’ve had a Tumblr, this is probably pretty shocking, especially given that my first experience with polyamory was less ethical nonmonogamy and more my ex sleeping with whoever she wanted guilt free because she couldn't do long distance relationships and I was some sort of weird emotional crutch for her, and it traumatized me to the idea for a long time. However, in my last major relationship, I had this realization that I could probably happily be in a polyamorous relationship if the communication was there, and while I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my monogamous relationship to find that out, if there ever was a reason I was single again, I was going to try it out. Well, after we split and then COVID ruined everyone’s lives (and another pretty unfortunate relationship), I tried the solo poly thing for a while, because the person I needed to date the most at that point was myself.

Well, I kind of failed at that part a bit, as now I have not one but two girlfriends. Sarah, who is married, is the first, and Katie, who I am definitely going to marry, is the second. I met Sarah around August of 2021, and while I was supposed to be just a fun time bonus thing for her (she was in two other relationships at this point), she eventually caught the feels and we eventually talked it out. I met Katie in November of the same year, and it was like finding everything I ever wanted in a partner in a single human being. I won’t say it was love at first sight, but it was definitely love a lot quicker than I think I was comfortable with admitting. I’ve had a few missteps along the way, and it’s occasionally been a bit messy, but it’s been a great experience regardless and I am very happy with my relationships.

If I had to ask 2015 Ian, as he looked into that broken mirror on that October night, what he thought his life would look like nowadays, I don’t think he would have believed me if I had told him almost all of his expectations were wrong. But I think that’s probably a good thing.

I don’t really have much else to add to wrap this up, only that I am going to try my damndest to actually blog here a bit more and get some of the feelings and thougths I have off my chest. I don’t really think any of the followers I have on this Tumblr use it anymore, nor do I think many of them would really care what I have to say anymore. This isn’t for the notes or views, though.

This is for me.

Til next time...

#self portrait #nikon d300s #black and white #personal blogging

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anonymousbosch111-blog · 2 years ago

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feb 5 23

alright here's another dump:

Today was weird in the sense that I not only had standing social plans but also answered an impromptu call to hang out with someone else beforehand. This may not sound impressive to anyone else but I genuinely cannot remember the last time I made plans with people from two different circles in one day. Furthermore I have vague plans tomorrow with K****** (member of an entirely separate THIRD circle) to help hang up her curtains--this one almost feels the most impressive, as an informal arrangement that developed naturally through casual conversation at work on Saturday.

To be clear I am not actually as woefully socially inept as the last paragraph is implying. I have made and maintained many friendships in my twentysfanlg years, and even successfully attended many social gatherings and rendezvous! Really it's still just the comparison to 2022, how the difference is still honestly unbelievable from my life now and a few months ago.

On one hand this process of societal reintegration is a bit astonishing (what do you mean I can just--go and get coffee with a friend? What do you mean I can sit in the sunlight with people who are nice to me and talk about nothing?) and on the other I am finding myself totally forgetting to remember it was ever anything different.

This is dangerous of me, forgetting to remember. Need to remember. Need to be grateful. Need to reschedule my last therapy appointment and go to AA and be cognizant of who I am and how bad it can get.

Anyway--

The impromptu plans were with J***, whose 8 am text asking if I wanted to get breakfast I only saw at 10 am when I woke up. I replied while still in bed sans contact lenses that I'd be down for lunch or an equivalent instead. He picked me up within a half an hour or so to tag along on his next errand, which was watering the plants in the apartment he was housesitting.

It was a 1br in the P***** building (belonging to his friends, long-time partners and start-up work-from-homers the way everyone is these days) and satisfied the mild curiosity I'd had surrounding those apartments since they opened 6ish years ago. (Smaller than I'd thought. White walls, tall ceilings. No windows in the bedroom, I don't think. Same exact oven and dishwasher as our own house.)

It was probably a mistake to bring me considering my penchant for monumentally fucking up any and all house-/plant-/housesitting gigs, and I told him as much after I had spilled the coffee he made us across the counter and stood witness to his tangling of a vined plant when he took it out of its macrame plant holder.

(We stood by the sink with me holding the top of the macrame rope and him unsuccessfully attempting to detangle the thin wispy vines from the fabric. It registered as a pleasant exercise in whatever passes for intimacy for me these days. Standing close and working together, not touching, talking about nothing without really being heard nor needing to.)

We went to the building's roof where it was too bright and too windy. He talked excitedly about how he'd figured out how to make his body throat-sing and played a few clips of his favorite throat-singing songs. I (more concerned with blocking the sun from my eyes and wind from my hair) couldn't tell if he was wanting me to ask him to demonstrate so I didn't. I told him about H teaching herself to whistle and the first clear note she managed after a year of enduring her flat and wet attempts. Something nice in realizing you can still teach your body how to do something, we agreed.

Back inside he told me he'd thought he'd finally cracked religion, or at least his definition of it. Could not pretend to record it as coherent as he said it, but the gist: Start with the fact that there is a God, and that God manifests as the underlying principles that guide the universe's machinations. The transitive property is god. Chemical formulas are God. The closest we will get to seeing God (maybe my own insertion here) is witnessing these rules in practice, and trusting their permanence.

And then---there was a second part, and I'm sure probably more he didn't say, but I can't remember it. I think a bit of all-religions-are-true, even if most have been manipulated as institutions to preserve wealth and power. The intent behind them is still valuable. Etc.

I told him it sounded interesting but felt very logos-heavy, where's the ethos? And he said yeah, it was definitely more attuned to reasoning than revelations, which was funny because historically religions tended to utilize revelations more heavily. And I said yeah, I feel like in terms of amassing followers that's your best bet, tapping into that emotional core, and he said but I'm not trying to amass followers, and I said I know, I just meant in the historical sense.

Part of me does wonder about his attempts to figure this out without plans to preach it, however informally. Part of me wonders if he is trying to convert me, however informally. I don't know how I feel about God. I feel like I should be more interested in an academic sort of way after such a formative childhood exposure to the church and my clumsy attempts to discern my own value system separate from it.

Maybe I am scared to actually decide what I think a good person is, because then I will be forced to admit I am not one?

? Hard to say. Much to think about.

Anyway--

The longstanding plans for today were with B*** et al, a candle-making soiree we had planned the last time we all hung out in January. I had a mild to medium time I think, although H was too sick/overwhelmed with homework to come and there was no one there I was completely comfortable with. B had outdone herself as a hostess, turned it into an early Galentine's thing with endless charcuterie boards and personalized chocolate boxes for each of us.

I feel weird around other women. This is a slightly dishonest presentation of the true feeling, which is probably: I often feel weird in moderately sized groups of people, especially in a setting like this in which we are not all perfectly compatible nor meant to be. Classmates and roommates and classmates of roommates and ex-roommates of classmates of roommates. And that this sort of gathering tends to be with primarily other women.

My social anxiety has matured enough to realize it is not a moral failing if I don't always have the right thing to say to some of these people but I do still resent the obligatory embarrassment when I don't. I'm never going to know what to say to K****e's sex jokes or A*****'s stilted attempts at polite conversation, sorry!

What should have been a comfort but actually just made things more tense: the fact that there were two other girls there also experiencing the slow burn of not fitting in:

L****, one of B's older friends, seemed downright miserable as she stood awkwardly in different corners and seemed to glare when anyone laughed. She left before we even made the candles, although I think she had other plans to get to. Again, my own social anxiety has matured enough to recognize when others' anxiety manifests in off-putting ways (God knows I do this enough), but--the resulting tension is hard to ignore.

And ******?, whose name I have unfortunately entirely forgotten, despite her staying for longer than I did. Was in B & E & K's cohort. Seemed a bit on the spectrum (aren't we all!) and prone to saying the wrong thing. Made a bit more sense when she mentioned she'd been very sheltered in Catholic school. Felt bad when I realized she was not entirely liked by the rest of the group.

But what can you do? Sometimes people simply do not click with each other! This is fine!

I don't know. I am a bit exhausted with meeting new people and having to identify then temper all their little idiosyncrasies. I miss being young and people seeming perfect. Intentionally written characters from a franchised series whose characteristics were recognized tropes, and whose dialogue was always sharp and plot-driving, and whose motivations always made sense.

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mo0nl0v3r · 2 years ago

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th!nspo challenge ;

NOTE : I'm only gonna update this on this tab cause I don't want my other posts to get lost in this series thing... also my stats are already uploaded so imma start on day 2 :) NOT PRO

DAY 2 : i'm 5'2.... i do like my height sometimes i wish i was taller so i could present as thinner but its not one of my biggest problems

DAY 3 : I have a Pinterest board that I love its called tattoo inspo (I made it with a bunch of ballet & hour-class grunge girls in it. I named it tattoo inspo so it doesn't present weird cause it sounds like thinspo plus I can put skinny people with dope tattoos in

DAY 4: my greatest fear is that I'm gonna look sick or lose hair that's terrifying to me

DAY 5: I'm doing it for myself but the praise doesn't hurt :) also the way i could wear anything and look good sounds amazing

DAY 6 : sometimes nothing crazy but occasionally do slip up and eat a couple unhealthy things

DAY 7 : my parents do know that i try to eat healthy and that i "occasionally" count calories and try to lose weight . They think its a good thing

DAY 8 : i dont have one yet i just try to do as many crunches and sit-ups i can and i try to walk at least 1 mile a day

DAY 9 : I don't know honestly , sometimes i think they do but they've never said it to my face .

DAY 10 : freedom tbh

DAY 11 : @green-tea-111 i love there thinspo

DAY 12 : i usualy eat whatever i want but at a restriction

DAY 13 : I'm losing weight in both a healthy way and a unhealthy way because its not the point where its bad for my body but it can take a tole on my mental health sometimes

DAY 14 : My UGW is 102lb i really wanna get down there cause that would not only mean I would be like skinny but it would get my BMI down to 18.5 and thats the minimum healthy BMI. so def ideal

DAY 15: i am not vegan or vegetarian... i did try it a couple years ago and i actually gained weight cause i would only eat carbs so def didn't work for me

DAY 16: well literally for as long as i can remember probably around age 10 or 11 but most recent decision to lose weight was back in September of this year

DAY 17: I do have disorded eating

day 18: pasta , gordita tortillas , chocolate , chips , candy , ice cream , ritz crackers

DAY 19: tbh yesterday i had a happy meal

DAY 20: calorie counting or portioned eating cause diets are really hard for me

DAY 21 :

pants : medium or size 10

shirts : medium (but i prefer baggier stuff)

DAY 22: 7 pounds at birth ;) no but actually 100 pounds it was in 2019 i was in dance and i would dance 3-5hours a day and i did have distordered eating at the time and i gained due to my depression and binging

DAY 23 : a little... it didnt start it but it definitely helped

DAY 24: im not pro ana and i am definitely not pro mia, bulimia tears you apart so quickly its just sad especially when you do research on how it effects your body and how it only deteriorates you instead of making you thinner

DAY 25: i have unfortunately, it was rough i did it on occasion for about 2 weeks before i decided to do research and decided it wasnt for me

DAY 26: Wearing whatever i want and being less insecure. I cant wait till im skinny so i can just be happy with whatever i wear

DAY 27: I’m cool with food being infront of me I usually struggle most with it when its late or im alone cause thats when i tend to eat the most

DAY 28: It would be cool but its not what i want most i really want thinner arms and a tiny waist

DAY 29: unfortunately its mostly western beauty standards ( im part mexican and have very mexican features ) so its rough when i want the hour glass waist and a slope nose cause my body just hasn’t been able to do that

DAY 30: 10 facts about me

10:

#pro ana #th!nspo #tw ed relapse #ed trigger warning #ed rant

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cinnamonest · 4 years ago

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Xingqiu - Yandere Profile

I actually just got my sweet bookworm boi to his next to last ascension, my hydro baby, my angel, I love him even if bc of him I have to marathon fight the oceanid

I’ve had a lot of reqs for him & Chongyun dating back to January again lol but it only felt right to wait until I finished both so I could release them at the same time, so, Chongyun’s will be up immediately after this!

=======================

TWs: fem reader, yandere, confinement, manipulative behaviors, mentions of homicide, gaslighting, Xingqiu being a spoiled arrogant brat

TWs (below cut): noncon/dubcon, manipulating and guilting reader into sex, overstimulation, fluids/cumplay, humiliation

Since there's no canonical age but he has a bit of the rounded young face I'm tagging with the sh*ta tw as well!

=======================

Severity Scale

Intelligence/Perceptiveness: 7 Brutality: 3 Physical capability: 4 Mental/emotional instability: 6 Restrictiveness: 7 Sexual sadism: 5 Stubbornness: 8

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Tries to buy his way to you, initially. He's grown up seeing the power that money holds over people, and, well, his father can always just wave a bit around and get whatever he wants from most people, so why should you be any different? He goes for stereotypical "girl" things like flowers and jewelry at first, unless you have some prominent and well-known interest, in which case he'll invest in something related to that.

Honestly, for all his chivalry and all that, his maturity is something of a faux one, a sort of projected self-image of the gentlemanly figure he strives to be... but when he lets that slip, he can be something of a childish spoiled brat. The thing is... he's completely unaware and refuses to acknowledge that he can be so immature. He likes getting what he wants, when he wants it, exactly how he wants it, and being denied the things he wants isn't particularly common in his life. So rejection comes not so much as a disappointment so much as a shock. No matter, you're just... a brat, yourself. You think you're too good for everyone, he reasons, so you play hard to get.

Really, after recovering from the initial shock, he realizes he likes things this way. He likes challenges. It would be no fun if you came to him easily. You may be a brat, but in the end, the one thing he refuses to ever do is lose. Chivalrous gentlemen are fine with having to earn their things, so really, he's thankful that you reminded him of his morals, of his desire to truly earn the things he wants. It will make it that much more meaningful.

So he goes heavy on the idea of "courting", following whatever old and prudish traditions may exist in Liyue. If you're from somewhere else, he figures, that could be why -- clearly he hasn't followed through on whatever is normal for your culture. Silly him. He makes an effort to research whatever those traditions may be, and goes to the absolute maximum on performing them. Lavishes you in gifts of all kinds, constantly giving you compliments. He even goes to the effort of, if all else fails, reading romance novels targeted at women to get a better grasp of what exactly you're supposed to like, and emulates those behaviors.

Overall, though, in later stages Xingqiu slightly more mild for a yan, allowing you to have interactions with others (even if he’s irritated), such as his family, family servants, and his friends, and will even take you outside now and then. However, he will cut off your ties to those friends you had before that weren't mutual friends. He's also one of the least likely yanderes to ever kill someone, and will avoid hurting people if possible -- if anything, he prefers more discreet methods like ruining their life socially or financially.

He's also a lot more moody behind closed doors than he is to most people. His attempts to be oh-so-mature eventually kinda crumble, and the more comfortable he becomes around you, the more he lets his immaturity show.

He could assign family servants to looking for you, but really, he prefers to do it himself, this is about love after all, he doesn't want to assign them to a task they would never perform as diligently as he could. But rather than stalking, he chooses to just kind of... stay with you. He's somehow always where you are, "coincidentally" running into you everywhere and then somehow nothing having anything to do, because he clings to you for hours until you finally have to go home, and even then, he'll just follow you to continue the visit there if he can. No point in watching from a distance when he can be right there with you. And again, he's actually surprisingly unaware that his clinginess is so obvious, he's oblivious to how obvious his infatuation is. Which is a bit odd, considering that he's usually fairly perceptive, but he's so confident in the fact that he is normally perceptive that he allows himself to slip into abnormal behaviors without really realizing it, because he's not constantly on guard in the way some less socially adept yanderes are.

On a genuinely sweet level, there's one little thing he keeps hidden from you. He's actually written a lot of love poetry for you, verses about you and all of the things he loves about you so much... Despite usually being fairly confident in his work, he can't bring himself to show it to you. He's too flustered. And considering your negative reactions to his affection (read: not wanting to be kept like a captive animal), he is actually a bit sensitive to that perceived rejection, which further discourages him. He keeps them all stashed away, stuffed into some fairly hidden drawer. Should you ever come across them and bring them up, it's one of a very few things that will genuinely make him super embarrassed, and he'll just insist they weren't about you, even though the details make it obvious they were, and storm off, never bringing it up again.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

It's not kidnapping. It's... relocating. He's far too chivalrous to resort to something so brutish as kidnapping! He'll make sure you want to come with him. He can easily arrange for there to be rumors and reports of... occurrences near your home. Criminal activity, maybe false rumors of mysterious disappearances. Hell, he'll get Chongyun to testify that your house has demonic spirits in it. Something to make you want to move out. Maybe some things start happening to you -- you get the feeling you're being watched, you get threatening messages mailed to your home, you have strangers (read: randos who will do anything for some mora he gives them) telling you you're not welcome in the area and to get out. It's all incredibly confusing and scary and you have no idea what brought it all on!

Luckily for you, you have a rich, generous friend who makes it more than clear you're welcome to come stay with him for a while at any time. Eventually, no matter what it takes, he can push you to a point where you'll take him up on that offer. Something feels... oddly ominous about the way the gates to his family estate close behind you once you walk in. Like they're sealing your fate.

And once step one is done, step two of his plan goes into place - make sure you never want to leave. He can make that happen, there's plenty of space here for you to roam, plenty for you to do, and even when he's not there to entertain you, there's plenty of servants to keep an eye on you and make sure that whenever you try to leave, they'll smile and tell you you can't go just yet miss, there's this or that going on tonight! The young master said he had something important for you when he gets back later! You can't go out now, there was just an attack by some deranged person in the town still on the loose! Just... go back inside for now.

Of course, it's wishful thinking, but he likes to maintain the delusion that he can just keep this going indefinitely, that you won't finally one day put your foot down and tell him you've been stuck here nearly a month and you're ready to at least go visit home. He might even entertain it a bit - sure, you can go visit your old house with him and collect some of your old things to bring back with you, but he makes sure to make it look at though whatever problem he made up is still occurring. Nonetheless, if you're insistent, or at whatever point you finally crack and catch on, demand to know what's going on - well, it's not pretty. He gets into something of a tantrum if you don't comply, but ultimately, in his own little huffy, ticked off way, says you can't leave, and that's that, no more questions allowed, and no more of this ridiculous demand to leave. Of course, darling is taken aback at first, even thinking he's joking, but it soon becomes very clear he's completely serious, and intends to enforce that command.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

When he's with you, he's tends to be pretty clingy, both physically and in conversation, never ceasing talking about this or that, and he's actually a sleep-clinger as well, keeping an iron grip around your waist when you sleep. So, whenever he's at his home, he insists on you being in his presence, usually physically touching, so you won't really get an opportunity while he's just in another room or something because you can't get any privacy to begin with. When you're in public, he's incredibly watchful over your every move and incredibly clingy then as well, so don't expect such a chance to arrive either.

Thus, your best bet is to try when you're under the watch of guards, whenever he's gone for whatever reason. They've been instructed to watch you from a distance, you see, he doesn't want them interacting with you directly, so you'll have a few chances here or there where they get distracted or their backs are turned. There will likely eventually also be a time where there's a scheduling error, you end up unsupervised! However, physically getting out of the estate is still difficult. There's still posted guards everywhere. So all in all, it's fairly difficult, especially in broad daylight, the only time he's not with you.

When you're inevitably dragged back kicking and screaming by some poor guards that aren't getting paid enough to deal with this, after getting back and hearing the report he deals with it in that unnerving saccharine way of feigning ignorance to try and get a reaction. Now, he knows you weren't trying to get out... right? Surely you got distracted by a bird or something, right? That's the only reason why you'd ever try to leave, right? It's obvious he knows better, and is just fucking with your head, but it's best not to lie. What he wants is an admittance of guilt and an apology, preferably down on the floor begging for forgiveness.

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

Moderate, leaning towards difficult. He's perceptive, and intelligent, but that intelligence is largely a sort of book-smarts type of intelligence. He's generally crafty and a prankster himself, so pulling things over on him is difficult because he's familiar with the mindset and methods of doing so, but he can be tricked if you put on a believable enough act. Basically, a darling who is a good actor stands a much better chance.

However, he's ultimately a learner. You can get away with some tricks or plots once, but he won't fall for the same thing twice. Any sort of escape or deceit you've tried once, he'll make active efforts to guard against and prevent in the future.

Manipulation, though, you can forget it. He's way too proud and stubborn to be emotionally manipulated, in the end getting his way and what he wants takes priority over making you happy, so don't expect to be able to manipulate him based on the notion of something making you happier.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Fairly lenient, actually. You get a lot of access so long as your behavior is good, so really it's wise to be on your best behavior in the long term of things. He can get you anything you want, especially reading material. And you actually get to go outside, yay! He's like my earlier Childe profile on that -- he likes to go on dates, and he's actually really enthusiastic about it! He's big on date planning, wanting to see everything there is to see and do everything there is to do together. The rules are that you just need to be physically attached to him in some way -- you can hold his hand, grab at his sleeves, or he can do so to you (although he'd prefer you cling to him. He likes the image it projects to people around you). He actually gets really hyped about said dates whenever you plan them, he'll talk to you for hours plotting out all the things to do on this particular outing. At one point, his smile drops and his voice goes low and he tells you that, just a reminder, you know the rules for dates, right? ...Good.

Similarly, if you ask, he'll let you accompany him on more trivial outings as well, say if you'd like to go grocery shopping, and he certainly won't turn down a trip to the bookstore. The same rules apply, although he's a bit less excited for something so mundane.

One thing he won't do, surprisingly, is let you have anything to do with Guhua arts or skills. He won't teach you anything he knows nor let you learn, and if you were a follower of it before, he'll cut off your access to any material. His reasoning is that he just doesn't really think anything to do with combat suits you. You're better off learning more passive skills and hobbies.

In reality? He can't stand the thought of you ever being able to present a challenge to him in that sense. It would kill his ego if you ever managed to do something related to the Guhua arts better than he can, or even half as good as he can.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Well, to occupy your time, he has things that need cleaning you know... Honestly, he's messy, and he's already used to having maids, so he kinda treats you like one to some degree. Of course, he's active in his little heroism adventures, but when it comes to his own living spaces and such things he can be a bit lazy. So, he'll give you tasks to do sometimes, he likes the power rush too that he gets from ordering you around a bit. It soothes the ego.

Outside of your strolls together, you can't be going outside (and you don't get to choose when you do go on your little walks and dates, he does, although he may grant you the wishes of your begging). Also, don't actually try to talk to the guards. They're there to watch you, nothing more, so pay them no mind, and by no means should you ever have a reason to make conversation with them. If there's an emergency or something you need, you may inform them and get help, nothing more. And really, they're more afraid of this rule than you are -- you'll have difficulty finding one even willing to talk to you, they all take the warnings they've been given very seriously.

He eventually gets nitpicky and makes all sorts of little behavioral rules, it's incredibly obnoxious. But honestly, suffering his bratty tantrums is enough of a punishment, even if he didn't usually follow it up with actual punishment, which, for him, tends to be something perverted in some way.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

He actually gets jealous rather easily, often over people who are no real threat. You can never be too nice to anyone -- even after he introduces you to his father and older brother, he expects you to be happy to meet them... but not that much. If you show too much excitement or happiness over any other being, he gets pouty, especially other men, but also your friends, male or female, family, even animals. His first reaction isn't to kill, rather, just an increase in isolation. Drag you back home and make sure you get a lot of time to yourselves, seeks reassurance that you really love him. If it's his own family, he might get grouchy towards them, snap at them a bit, bitterly drag you back off to your own room, where he'll then proceed to get equally grouchy towards you until you have given him enough reassurance he deems sufficient. In his own time, when you're not around, he makes sure to make it perfectly clear to those around him that they aren't to get in between you two.

He's one of the better yans to have in this regard, though, because he's unlikely to resort to killing anyone. He's got too much of his self-image invested in the idea of morals and justice to be able to do so, he can't delude himself into believing it's right or acceptable. It's not impossible to push him to that point, but it wouldn't just be someone you show any positive reception towards -- if Xingqiu did end up killing a rival, it would have to be one for whom you have very blatantly made clear you have actual romantic and sexual affection, someone who poses a genuine, real threat.

Xingqiu is a sort of open book when it comes to jealousy -- it's obvious to everyone around you that he's mad at someone else for even looking at you, and he doesn't try to hide it. It makes him that much angrier if someone doesn't obey his silent demand to stop interacting with you, doesn't seem fazed by his glares and coldness. He'll meet with them privately and make things clear verbally, since he tells himself maybe they're just dense and too stupid to understand. But they only get one more chance. Cross him twice, and they'll likely find themselves in financial ruin after pulling some strings through the connections of his father and brother.

What would make him significantly more likely to kill someone is someone who poses a legal threat, someone who catches on to what's going on and threatens to get him in serious trouble for it. Even if he tried bribing them, well, they'd likely just pretend to accept, and someone so bold likely wouldn't bow to threats.

This is where he can slip into the mindset of a delusional yandere. He once again projects the image in his head, that knight he wants to be for you, and hey, sometimes to save the princess, the heroes in his martial arts epics have to get their hands dirty, have to unfortunately get blood on their hands for the sake of the greater good. And hey, then it's usually called character development. Most of his fictional heroes tend to have killed at least one person in a sort of epic battle to defend something precious to them. This is no different. Of course, ambushing an unarmed person and running them through hardly counts as an epic battle, but he doesn't really take that part into account.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

Again, a bit of a spoiled brat at times. He's pouty, gives you the cold shoulder, yet dramatically inserts himself in front of you and whatever you're occupied with so you can't do anything. Basically he's forcing you to acknowledge his pouting and ask him what's wrong so that he can pull the "oh, nothing" until you ask again, and maybe he'll eventually bitterly, passive-aggressively make it clear what you did wrong. The bright side is he's easily soothed - an apology and some groveling will fix his attitude pretty quickly, although he'll have an infuriating air of superiority about it all, telling you he's glad you were able to understand what you did and have, hopefully, learned to correct the behavior in the future.

Worse offenses, things that make him genuinely and truly infuriated, are significantly worse, but rather uncharacteristically for him, he's quiet. And that's what's do frightening about it - for once you almost wish he would blabber or complain or whine like you're so used to, but his fury is dead silent. He moves without speaking, harsh motions that will either shove or tug you to wherever he's trying to maneuver you, and he shows how he feels through actions rather than words - he slams doors and objects, stomps, everything about his body language is frightening enough to make you stiffen and jolt.

Thankfully, Xingqiu is a milder yandere when it comes to severity of things he'll do to you in moments of anger -- he's one that can control himself well enough not to severely hurt you, break bones or anything like that. When it comes to his flashes of anger, at worst he might slap you in his tantrums, but he has at least enough self-control and empathy for you to manage better than a lot of yanderes.

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

Below. It's mostly that he thinks rather highly of himself - he's an important person you know. He saves people, he goes around doing his little vigilante thing, and he's not afraid to flaunt sometimes.

If you happen to also be from a rich family, you can earn a little bit more respect from him, you're cultured and sophisticated. If you're intelligent, you can get some validity in his mind as well. He'll still consider himself more intelligent and higher status, something you'd be mindful to remember, but he'll begrudgingly acknowledge it.

A commoner darling, though? God forbid an airheaded one? Forget about getting any respect - you're more like... A cute little puppy to him. Dumb and loud and clumsy, but nonetheless very cute and loveable. You were just... Made to be something of an accessory to him. And he loves and values you, you mean the world to him really, but that's all the more reason why you should accept your place as such.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

It drives him up the wall. You know, his father could arrange his marriage to a ton of young rich daughters in Liyue who would be more than happy about it, but he can't get the attention of ONE girl he likes? It's infuriating. And it makes him all the more insistent to have specifically you.

For Xingqiu, it's a mix of both desperation and a pride thing as well. One one hand he desperately does truly want his feelings to be returned, he wants you to love him, he wants the fantasy he has in his head of you two having a long, happy future together. On the other hand, rejection is also a mark on his pride, and that irritates him beyond comprehension.

So don't expect him to ever give up, really. Unlike a lot of loving yans though, he doesn't blame himself, he directs the rejection hurt outward - maybe you're just so spoiled yourself that nothing is good enough for you. Maybe you're just playing hard to get. Maybe you just think constantly turning him down is funny, it's amusing to you, and, well, he doesn't take lightly to you trying to play games with him. So while he'll continue to try and earn your love, don't be surprised if it results in an irritated mood swing every now and then.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

A lack of desire/hesitancy to resort to violence or more morally wayward methods. He stakes a lot of his pride and self-image on being a chivalrous, upright, just person, someone who should exemplify right and punish wrong, and unfortunately for him he's not a delusional and can't convince himself that he's doing the right thing. He wants to be a gentleman, your knight in shining armor, the storybook hero he projects in his head that always comes to save his princess, who in turn is receptive and showers him in praise and affection and gratitude. You're the problem, you see, you're not following through on your role in all this.

As such, he really, really hates having to dirty his hands in any way, or do anything that he knows is wrong and will consequently drag him into guilt. Not that he can't be driven to it, because he certainly can, but if it reaches that point, that means you didn't cooperate with him to begin with, which would have made things so much easier, so he'll definitely rid himself of that guilt by redirecting the blame to you, or deluding himself into some bizarre justification.

Another thing... his family's compliance. Honestly? His dad is far too busy and far too done with Xingqiu's shit to expect any help from him. His son tends to be picky, whiny, and demanding -- now that you're here, he's finally satiated, finally actually paying attention to the important matters his father wants him to be involved with, finally not causing nearly as much trouble now that you're around. You can bet he's more than happy to put in some extra funds and personnel to restrain some random commoner, so long as his son is satisfied. His brother doesn't really agree with it all, but his brother wants this and his father is supporting it, so... his hands are tied. He turns a blind eye. And the staff, the servants? They're getting paid far too much to care, and besides, the family is incredibly influential -- should they get fired, it could smear their reputation. It’s kinda really discouraging, being surrounded by so many people, but none of them willing to help you.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Bounces back and forth. On one hand, he wants to maintain, again, a gentlemanly and sophisticated image, and in his mind, such people don't normally think about such things, don't behave in lewd or degenerate ways. On the other hand, he's a nasty little perv that secretly sinks to the absolute depths of depravity. There's not much he can't get off to. If his poor brother hadn't been so busy being concerned about the martial arts books under his bed, and had dug further, he would have found that those books are actually just a cover-up for a different set of nasty, gross materials he's spent years accumulating -- some of the most vulgar smut you've ever seen, stuff you question how he ever even got ahold of. Surely the book house wouldn't sell this kind of material... it's honestly a mystery how he manages to get so much.

With his first few interactions, he tends to display the former image, but the more time he spends with anyone, the more that inner little pervert side tends to come out. He's definitely one to get touchy, his light grazing little touches become firmer and more daring, his hands always rest just at a point that's right on the boundary of being inappropriate. Sometimes he'll straight-up grope you and pass it off as teasing. He's also like Kaeya in that he intentionally tries to embarrass you by making your mind go to lewd places, making obvious innuendos and euphemisms, then pretending like he doesn't know why you're looking at him like that... oh, is that what you thought he meant? Wow, you must have such a dirty mind, you little pervert.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

Something like rape is barbaric! Of course he would never, eeeeever do something so awful, so unbecoming of someone like him. And he really never will. He's another yan that will simply... Secure your consent by whatever means necessary.

In the end he'll most likely guilt trip and gaslight his way into it. I mean, you're staying with him for free, he took you in, he feeds you and clothes you and you can't show one little bit of gratitude? He treats you like a wife and you can't fulfil your end of that role? Don't be selfish. He loves you so much... He'd do anything for you... don't you want him to be happy too?

He'll try different approaches. If seduction doesn't work off the bat, he'll try gaslighting, if that doesn't work, he'll try guilt tripping, if that doesn't work, he'll make up a bizarre lie - he has to have sex or he'll die, somehow! You get the idea. If you really, really, really push it, he may just resort to a vague threat of sorts - nothing too bad or deadly, but hey, it would sure be a shame if this recent market crash affected your family financially... Not that he knows anyone who has power over the local commerce or anything.

With a more timid, soft darling, you're likely to end up essentially... Dubcon'ed. Half-noncon'ed. He just kinda... Slowly goes for it, and at your protests insists no, it's ok, you'll feel good... And a timid darling too afraid to stop him doesn't exactly fight back or resist, so hey, silence is a green light.

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

Experimentation

As I've said, he's a nasty little perv deep down, and he can get off to, well, a LOT of things. And he loves to try new things out, no matter how weird it may be. He's one you can get into a lot of things involving toys and objects, or physical forms of things applied to the body (think temperature play, hot wax, nipple clamps -- anything that has to do with objects being used on you). Part of the fun of it all is having something new that he's never tried before! Even if it turns out to not be his favorite thing, he'll still enjoy the trying it out, and those things he DOES find himself liking, well, he'll just have to add them to the little mental list of favorites.

And he, honestly, enjoys the little reactions you often have to the notions of this or that -- the shock and sudden fear on your face when he tells you today you'll do this or that, and how you shake your cute little head so rapidly. It's not that bad, he promises, and he's done a lot of research and reading to be sure he does things correctly, so no worries!

Body writing

It's kinda comical because you can't make out a word. With his canonically horrendous handwriting, but fondness for the act of writing, it makes for what essentially looks to you like abstract art on your body -- but just know it's the lewdest, most degrading shit you can think of that he'll get all over your thighs and stomach, marking you as his. If nothing else, he gets off to it, and based on the little things he whispers in your ear, you know it's the same sort of humiliating things. If he takes his time, he can write better, but he gets caught up in the heat of the moment.

Lingerie

He's a fan of lacey, frilly things. And he will definitely invest in as many as he can buy, ornate and intricate things, stockings for your legs that have pretty lace patterns at the top of the thigh, bras and panties that are somehow both lacey and perfectly see-through. He's also a big fan of things that have holes in them for easy access, so you can wear it the whole time. And, if he's feeling meaner, he'll definitely have you walk around in just that for a while -- not out where anyone else in the estate could see you, of course, but in his room with him.

Master/slave

He's not a sadist per se, and doesn't really put you in pain, but he loves your submission. And no better way to exemplify submission than with service. The little bastard already makes you act like a maid outside of bed, but now he likes it even more -- there's a certain rush of power to laying out a command and seeing you follow it. Not to mention the cute look on your warm face as you follow though with the degrading shit. Oh, and you'd better believe he gets humiliating. It's not necessarily degrading in the sense that he says or makes you say bad things about yourself, but rather, just the commands themselves, getting on your hands and knees and crawling over to him, and demanding you slowly strip down. Make it cute, give him a show, you know? He won't be cruel in the things he says about you, yet your pride is still wrecked by the end of it all.

Voyeurism/masturbation instruction

He loves to watch you get off, honestly. It ties into the slave thing to a degree, making you follow every little command, telling you exactly how to touch yourself and move your hands. He'll sigh and tell you no, you're going to fast, you can't do it that fast yet... and if you get too overexcited, he'll just have to make you stop, since you can't seem to listen, and maybe not get to cum until tomorrow, so you can learn to behave better about it next time.

Fluids/Cumplay

He has something of a fixation with all kinds. He loves seeing the trail of saliva from your mouth when you pull off his dick, the way cum drips out of you and runs down your thighs. He also likes seeing it splattered across your face, your chest, in your hair, something about the sight of it nearly has him hard immediately after and ready to go. But he also likes how it will gross you out, leaving you tied up so that you can't wipe it off, are forced to just stay there with it dripping out of your holes and down your skin in a way that makes you shiver. And, really, he loves your fluids too, sweet salty slick that's just so mesmerizing to watch coat his fingers and face. But his favorite thing, probably has to be running his fingers through your own juices and slick, collecting it on his fingers, holding it up to your mouth and telling you to suck them clean. Somehow, it's even hotter when you're licking your own fluids off of his fingers, although you doing so with his is certainly nice too.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He’d like an heir one day. He's one to want a kid, maybe two, but not a whole lot. Just enough to have a proper family structure, much like the family he was raised in. It's the proper thing to do, he thinks, a natural part of the social order and continuation of a legacy. As a natural extension of his spoiled brat tendencies, he often doesn't think very responsibly in regards to preventing children, so, lucky for him, that ideal will likely come to fruition eventually, if physically possible.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Absolutely uses overstimulation. Whatever sorts of toys exist in Teyvat, he's rich enough that he can easily obtain them - little things he can attach to you and leave buzzing, or thick plugs and internal toys to stuff you full and leave you there to suffer in stimulation and stretching for hours on end. And he doesn't leave you alone, no, he stays close by, leaving you tied up and blindfolded, the occasionally lazy checkup of "oh, how are you holding up over there? I almost totally forgot you were there!" in a mocking tone while he goes about reading his books or practicing or jerking off to the sight.

Also ruined orgasms. Ugh, he's the worst. Gets you right to your peak, likely also after hours of edging, and then just... stops. Right as you reach the high, stops all motion, leaves you whimpering and sobbing, it's literally painful to actually reach it, and then still have that orgasm taken from you. And he'll be sure to remind you that if you were good, you could experience it in full, he could make you feel so good and let you ride out that high... but so long as you insist on being such a stubborn little princess, unfortunately, he can't just give you that. He hates this too, you know, he says. He'd love nothing more than to share pleasure, but you insist on being difficult.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Legs and thighs. He likes the aesthetics of legs, the softness, the way the flesh feels in his hands. The way touching them can make you jolt, the sensitivity, the way they leave little marks so perfectly if he sucks and bites at the skin. It's just really pretty.

#yandere genshin impact #yandere x reader #yandere xingqiu #yandere x y/n #tw: noncon #tw: dark content #tw:shota

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kkusuka · 4 years ago

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We all know how looks can be deceiving right? I’d love to request head cannons of Kuroo, Bokuto, Iwaizumi, Konoha, Terushima, and Atsumu with a gf that’s gifted with that super-soaker, wet-wet pussy, a pro at riding that dick, and has the gwak gwak thotty throat slobber 9000 but she is so shy, cute, and innocent at first glance. She looks like the soft-spoken librarian but when they get down and dirty, she puts her body to work and these bois just don’t know how to act from how amazing she is. Let’s say they teased her too much, so she revoked their sex privileges for a few days (not knowing how addicted these guys are on her body). Desperate bois are best bois 😈

i’m shell shocked anon, you’ve blown my mind

Cw: hair pulling, super WAP, kinda fem dom but not really, severe pussy-whipped men

Kuroo

firstly, he thought you were the innocent type up until you sucked him off for the first time

Honestly, he thought you were a total virgin prude

It wasn't really his fault, you two had met as lab partners for an AP chemistry class

You know, a class full of nerds and people he just assumed would get a job and married when they were thirty

Looking back he should have caught on after seeing you unconsciously jerking of a test tube

But, contrary to popular belief, kuroo is not the social cue master

After a few months of dating, you guys were just a horny time-bomb

Ahh~ the first blow-job, one for the books

He should have known it was going to be good just from the way you were unzipping his jeans, was it normal to almost cum just for your girlfriend palming you?

When you did get his dick out and had it all the way down your throat within the minute, he really did think you were a godsend

He didn't even know what you were doing with his balls, but whatever it was it was working

You didn’t gag or cough, even when he grabbed that back of your head and practically face-fucking you

(the real kicker was when you licked your lips after he came and gave him that small fucking smirk, mans was done for and he knew it)

Even with all that, nothing, and I mean nothing compares to the first time you guys went at it

when I say that you guy made out for five minutes when he went under your panties and felt the pacific ocean in your panties

He was about to propose right there (and about to cum in his pants for the thousandth time)

He didn't need to but he still rubbed a few circles around your clit, but apparently, you were ready enough

Considering you grabbed his dick and fully sunk onto him in one motion

Poor baby didn't know what hit him

You had to have done this before, and if he hadn't met you in class he would have been sure you slept around and learned everything in the book

You would clench every time your sims met and- AND THAT THINGS WITH HIS BALLS AGAIN

His mind was bungled, especially after you had both come and you fell onto his chest going back to the shy and sweet version he knew you as.

What the hell was that????

Was he fucking you or were you fucking him?? Because at this point he didn't even care

After that experience, you fucked like bunnies, all the time, even in school more than a few times.

And we all know kuroo can't shut his mouth

And he always teases you about how cute and mouse like you are outside the bedroom and how it's like he’s dating two different girls

....that hit a nerve...

Two different girls??? Well he’ll just have to endure one girl until he realizes what a blessing you are

5 days, 120 hours, 7,200 minutes, and 432,000 seconds, that's how long he lasted

He was going insane, and so he explained that he didn't mean it in a bad way and that he loved how you acted

Forgiving him you rewarded the poor cat boy, 5 rounds for five days

(he didn't want to admit it but he’s pretty sure his dick would have fallen off if you didn't relent when you did)

(he just didn't want to admit that he was pussy-whipped)

Bokuto

You actually had met at a library

One of his teachers wanted him to get a bit of extra tutoring and volunteered you for the job.

You had hit it off great! Personality-wise

(you’ll never tell him but it was frustrating that he clearly didn't understand anything you were telling him)

And you were so sweet and cute, and such a good teacher

He would know that if he wasn't too busy just staring at you and thinking about you and thinking about what you like and what you wear outside of school

(or how good your lips look, or how your thighs look so soft, or that when you get up he can see under your skirt.)

Your guy’s first time was an experience

(bokuto is the cunny easting master, don't call me out)

More cunny juice = more food for owl man

He was excited, somewhere in his mind he knew that it was gonna get better from then on

He wasn't wrong either, although he didn't let your mouth near his dick just yet, he knew that would be good considering the ‘art’ you've created on his neck

The true fuckary started with him on top, but the second he was in you he...froze

Poor baby was shell shocked, you felt better than he had thought, and he just slumped over, you thought he came but he wasn’t ready for it to end so soon

He just sat there for a few minutes, fucked out, before you just decided to flip you both over

That was more his speed at the moment

So he grabbed onto your hips for dear life and you got working

Within two minutes the two of you had created a pool of juices on his bed (bokuto had a lot of precum ok), not that he really cared

You were not competing with anyone but he already had you 2 to 0

(point 1 for the meal and point 2 for being an Olympic dick-rider)

I am also a firm believer that bokuto thrusts up, he just can't help it

You are too addictive, or the way you ground onto him in between every bounce was addictive

I also don't believe that you could even truly deny bokuto sex, he was good at guilt-tripping and he was soooooo adorable

(not to mention the puppy dog eyes he does that could convince good to do his will)

So I’m sure the only way he wouldn't get sex would be no nut November.

(aka the devil's month of torture, actually not month, week give or take)

This year it just happens that he set a new record, 8 days

He went a whole 8 days without trying for sex

Truly he went about 10 days before he stopped begging and just took matters into his own hands

(under enough pressure Bokuto become a hard dom and no one can say otherwise)

The entire time he was telling you how pretty you were and how well your pussy takes him and that you had no ‘right’ to tell him he couldn’t have sex

He even gained a new phrase “this pussy belongs to me”

You were going to have to set some things straight once he was done ;)

Iwaizumi

You were on the student council, it felt sacrilegious to think anything but pure thoughts about anyone on the council

(that didn't really stop him)

honestly, from the moment his crush festered he wanted to ruin your little innocent vibe

You always smiled so sweetly at everyone, and just seemed like a true goody two shoes.

And that point seemed to have been correct when you began to date

Until! The fateful day where his perceived innocent girlfriend pulled a full 180 on him!

Firstly, you had offered, out of the blue, to suck him off in the middle of the movie you were watching.

Second, he asked if you knew how, and you giggled at him with that smile he loved so much

Thirdly, when you did get his dick out, you swirled some of the pre-cum on his tip with your thumb, he started getting a bit suspicious

Lastly, you completely swallowed him down, face pressing on his hip, cheeks hollowed.

That’s when he realized that you did know what you were doing

(that also arouse the thought that you had been with someone else, which was counteracted with the fact that you knew how to suck dick by practicing on hair brushed and popsicles)

((it also helped that you barely had a gag reflex))

Truly trying to put that to the test, dom iwa came right out, grabbing your hair and telling you to suck harder

And you impressed the man, to say the least

After that he had to fuck you, he really just had too

For the first time, he went with a solid missionary, just to test that waters

He didn’t think anyone's pussy should feel like that, but since you were his it was ok

All was well he was lost in the feeling of your pussy and the deciding moment was when you pulled him against you and started to grind your body onto his

You were putting a whole lot of body into it too, and you were so soft, and unless he wanted to cum early something was going to have to change

So he flipped and changed to doggy style, which made thighs worse???

From there you got tighter and he could see all of the wetness drips from your fold onto the sheets

Yup, you were the one for him

(solidified when he pulled your hair and you moaned like a street whore)

As for the no sex thing, that was a ride

It started when Makki asked you if you were always dripping for iwa

And after a week of no sex, he confessed to letting them on his phone and watching a recording of one of your nightly escapades and he was sorry

(and he just wanted to show them what they were missing, y’know brag a bit)

That was, and he says the only time, he let you try to dom him

You truly were the most amazing woman in the world

Konoha

( i made him kind of an ass lol sorry)

You wee the girl who sat next to him in class

(not to be mean, but he thought you were a nerd)

You always had your uniform covering everything and you were always playing with your short sleeves

You raised your hand a lot in class, always had a pencil to borrow

He just assumed that you had cobwebs in your pussy

Proven wrong at one of the volleyball teams parties, you had apparently been dragged there by a friend (surprising)

And you both were dragged onto some weird spin the bottle game

The bottle would spring and someone would draw an action from this jar and the two people would have to do it in a bedroom in the house

Seeing as that’’s how fate goes you and him were chosen

A blow-job card was chosen

And he laughed with a friend about how you wouldn’t know what to do

Mistake, that struck a real nerve, was this guy for real?

Oh hell no

Being the baddie you were, you walked to him, grabbed him by the arm, and locked lips, breaking away after a moment you asked if he was ready to go.

Poor boy didn't even respond, he just nodded and stood up

Two minutes in, he knew what he had done

You were blowing him like it would be your last time, it should be illegal to be able to suck someone off that well

And damn you pulled away right before he was going to cum.

And then just left him! Walked out of the closet like nothing had ever happened

That couldn’t be it, he wouldn't let that be it

After two weeks of non-stop begging from the guy you agreed to a date, which led to many dates

Which led to him finally being able to fuck you

God damn, he didn't think it would get better, and it did, it really did.

You were laying on top of him and grinding your entire body onto him

Dripping all over him and squeezing him like crazy

He was never going to let you go

Now, that same friend from that party seemed very intrigued with your relationship

And he just can't help but tell him about how amazing you were, it just sucks that he did it right in front of you in the middle of lunch

Pussy pass revoked

He didn't think he did anything wrong so he went two whole weeks without any touch and he went crazy

He fell apart and apologized

After he begged enough you gave him the pussy pass back

And now he doesn't do anything to jeopardize it

Terushima

this is gonna sound weird

But

I feel like terushima knows when someone is a good lay

It's like a secret talent of his, he just knows and his radar went off when he saw you

But he thought it was wrong at first considering you were wearing leggings and a huge sweater

Not good fuck material

But he had to make sure, so he just walked up to you and asked if you were a good fuck

Surprisingly you didn’t punch him in the nuts, instead, you laughed at him and said that he would just have to find out

And that he should at least take you out to dinner first

Adm he took you up it, made it the best damn dinner date he’d ever be on

And you reward him

With what?

The best damn blow-job he’d ever get as long as he lived.

And it fit that to the T

It started with the little licks and swirls, then, you gotta catch the man off guard, and just take his entire dick in your throat

And with that, he was sure he had superpowers

When He came, fairly quick for his taste, you swallowed all of his cum and he was ready to marry you

If he needed to take you on a date for that, he would take you on a date every day for the rest of his life

(not every day) but that's what he did

But eventually, just a blowjob wasn't enough, oh no he knew you had a tight hole

And he knew you were gushing most of the time (ushy gushy my pussy-)

If making him suck the fingers you used to fuck yourself after he came was anything

And you tasted good, really good

He was so ready for it that he let you ride him the whole night

He thought his dick was a]going to fall off, you were just that damn good

It was insane, you were almost using him as a dildo, grinding your clit on the base of his cock

And you looked glorious, he was going to have to talk to you about recording it so he could watch it over and over

Maybe show a few people-

And that's what he did, poor unfortunate soul got the silent treatment for two days before he fell apart

He literally got on his knees and asked for forgiveness

(biggest simp on the planet, but only for you (and your dripping cunt))

He’s sure to never do it again, he’s also sure that if you asked him to step on him he would let you

(and I think he’s the most pussy-whipped)

Ok maybe you didn't fully forgive him until he showed you what his tongue piercing could do, but it was worth every moment.

Atsumu

Honestly, he was dared to sleep with the next girl who walked through the cafeteria door

And that just happens to bring you, miss. I remind the teacher there was homework

(Well he actually wasn’t really sure about that but that's what you looked like and he was already regretting his decision.)

In defense of him, your hair was in a messy bun and you had this teacher's pet aura around you

But he would be damned if he lost this bet to his brother and Suna, oh no

The moment he wa[lked up to your table you knew what was happening, and shut it down immediately

After that, you officially had his attention!

Lucky you!

Unlucky you for the fact that all he wanted to do was get in your pants.

But lucky you again because you could hold this over his head!

But one day you just woke up and chose dick (respectable)

So when atsumu did his daily “c'mon baby, you know you want some” you just stood up, scaring him

(he finally thought you were gonna kill him)

Instead, you grabbed him by the dick, literally grabbed his dick through his pants, and tugged him all the way to the roof

“Hey-hey baby, no need to be that rough”

“Shut up, Miya. pants down, now”

That was not where he thought that was going but he isn't going to complain.

“You want your dick wet so bad? Here you go!”

Honestly, he could die happy.

Not so sound gross, but you were slobbering around his cock like a pro. Now that left the thought, you had to have done this before.

You had hands on the back of his thighs pushing him further down your throat, hollowed cheeks, damn he should’ve done this was sooner

He was gonna cum-

And your mouth was gone, your hand was jerking him but that wasn't nearly as nice

“Lay back.”

Yes, yes he will do that. If what’s about to happen is what he thinks is about to happen

And now your pussy was above his face. Ok a little detour but he’ll take it

You were literally dripping onto his face while he got to work, and you went back to sucking him off

Yup, heaven.

After you both came he made sure to tell you that that had to happen again.

And it did, you rode him to hell in the hole to heaven, and he couldn't help himself from telling the entire volleyball team about how good you were

Now he really didn't think about what would happen if the news got back to you

But he definitely didn't think that meant a whole week of nothing

Well nothing for him, you made sure to send him more than a few videos of rigid dildos and fingering yourself

A week of torture, but when it was finally over he had an entirely new folder of spanking material

he was sure about who he told about your escapades, as in he told himself and Osamu if he just wanted to vent

poor guy was paranoid now

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neoculturetravesty · 4 years ago

Text

We met in online class - Last Part

Image adapted from here.

Pairing: Renjun x Reader Genre: College AU, romance, angst, fluff Warnings: Strong language Word Count: 3.4k

A/N: And so it comes to an end, and let me tell you guys, I am not okay 😔 This is going to be a bit of a longer A/N, so please bear with me. If you’d like to get straight to the story, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND, so feel free to click Keep Reading!

Lowkey, I had a bit of a meltdown as I typed the final words on this fic because I hadn’t realized how attached I had grown to the characters. This is the first time I wrote three different chapter openers before deciding on one, because I simply couldn’t believe it was goodbye after this.

These mofos had constantly been on my mind for the past two months and a half. I would spend most days thinking about where to take them and then bringing them to life at night, after my entire day was over. When I wasn’t writing, I’d make little notes about thoughts I had into the night about them so that I wouldn’t forget them when morning comes.

This was my first ever (and as of right now, my only) chaptered fic. I had no idea parting with it would be as emotional as it was. When I think back to when I first received the prompt for this, I had never even imagined I could write Renjun, let alone a series. But there was something in the prompt that had gotten my wheels turning. And I am so immensely glad that it did. There were days when I thought “Oh man, what have I gotten myself into.” Some days, the story would just flow. Other days, I’d keep staring at the blinking cursor not knowing what to type. But when I did, I found my emotions so deeply connected with the characters. I was happy when they were happy. I was sad when they were sad. So, parting with them is very hard to say the least.

But through this journey, I got to experience the joy of reading all of your reviews and comments and honestly, it made it all worth it. THANK YOU to every single one of you that read this story and waited on it and laughed and cried with it. You have made my life better in more ways than you can imagine.

In this moment, I want to thank 🍙 anon, because it was their prompt that put me in this mess in the first place. And so, it is only fitting that I dedicate the final part to them 💛

“Oh, we definitely need a picture together. How about here? I think this place would fit everyone.” Kim Doyoung looks about, finding a spot best suited for the photo he wanted.

“I think right there on the platform would be better. We could get everyone in two tiers.” his assistant suggests.

“You’re a genius. Let’s gather everyone. It’s not often that so many NCTU grads and students come to Midnight Arthouse,” Doyoung nods.

“How many of us are here, anyway?” Renjun muses. The assistant looks at her iPad, checking once again.

“I think there’s 23 of you. So, let’s definitely go for the platform.” she nods.

“Okay, then.” Doyoung claps his hands together once, “Gather everyone,” he says to no one in particular and walks ahead with purpose. Renjun and the assistant’s eyes meet and they smirk. Of course this was directed to the both of them. So, they set about to work.

As it would turn out, gathering 23 people from a charity event with art and food and drinks would be a bit of a task. But somehow, they manage to gather all alumni and current students on the platform in three tiers instead of two for a somewhat chaotic picture. There must’ve been something in the water at NCTU because none of it’s students could stand still for very long. They get maybe one decent picture and several in which someone or the other was moving or pulling a face.

His friends aside, looking around at the group, Renjun realized that he recognized nearly all of them. Yangyang and Hendery and the rest of their frat were here. As were the 127s, old and new. Renjun recognized them all, except maybe two boys, who didn’t seem to know a lot of the others either. When the pictures were done and the main events were over and the crowd had started to dissipate, Renjun finally walked over to the artwork to observe it up close.

Honestly speaking, watching the work with his own two eyes left no doubt in his mind that this artist deserved to be spotlighted like this. This work was in a league of its own. Watching it makes Renjun smile; because looking at it makes him think back to a few months ago when he was sitting in Kim Doyoung’s office, thinking of himself as some sort of a big shot. But the truth is, there was no way he had that caliber then, and there is no way he has that caliber now, though he was sure as hell working on it.

“This is the piece I lost the bid on.” Renjun hears a voice and he turns around to see Zhong Chenle’s father observing the art with him. Renjun bows politely and smiles under his mask,

“I mean, this is a remarkable piece. You have good taste.” Renjun acknowledges.

“What about you? Why isn’t any of your artwork displayed here?” he asks and for a while, Renjun smiles a bit nostalgically. He could’ve been here, had he made something for the Annuale. Had he just selfishly taken that shot. Then again, there would’ve been no real guarantees. Because Kim Doyoung was pretty particular in the people he chose, whether they were recommended by his family or not. Working with him closely in the last couple of months had taught Renjun that. It had also taught him how underdeveloped his skill was in the real world context.

“I guess I still have a long way to go.” Renjun replies humbly.

“Don’t we all?” Chenle’s father nods, “Are you working here at this establishment?”

“Um, I… I suppose I am. I am Kim Doyoung’s apprentice. He is my mentor.” Renjun nods.

“So I might see your work here soon enough, eh?” Renjun assumes the kind man is smiling under his mask because his eyes seem to be making the same shape as Chenle’s do when he smiles. So Renjun grins back.

“I mean… if I work really hard, I might get to shoot my shot in the next Midnight Arthouse Annuale.” Renjun fantasizes.

“Or maybe you’d get lucky like this young artist,” he points his chin towards the artwork.

Renjun smiles, “I would credit her luck, too if I hadn’t seen her work. But her talent is… it kinda speaks for itself.”

“Oh, no, you should definitely credit her luck. Talent isn’t enough. The stars have to align. Luck, talent, the right place, the right time. It all has to come together.” he says nodding.

Renjun considers his words. They seem to be coming from the wisdom of experience.

What if Renjun hadn’t received the phone call about his grandma back then? Well, then he probably would’ve made something lackluster and gotten rejected. Working with Kim Doyoung has taught him as much. It didn’t matter who had put a word in for him. At the end of the day, his work had to be outclass.

What if he had received the phone call and then still had enough time to submit something for the Annuale? Then he still probably wouldn’t have because… well, because of you.

What if he had gone ahead, regardless of you or his grandma and just made something and submitted it? Then he still would’ve been rejected. Because the truth of the matter is, he just didn’t have the caliber that artists associated with Midnight Arthouse did.

In that sense, Renjun supposes everything was in fact happening at the right place and right time now. Doyoung was mentoring him and he was getting better by the day. The stars were aligning for him. He knew it in his heart.

“Then I would wish that it all comes together for me, too.” Renjun says.

“When it does, young man, I’ll be the first one to bid on your work.” he says and Renjun doesn’t even have the time to react when he feels a presence breeze in his direction and invade his personal space.

Renjun doesn’t even have to look up to know who it is. He can tell by the way this body fits perfectly into his side. He can tell by how naturally his own body responds and just puts his arm around it’s waist.

“Oh man, I missed all of it, didn’t I?” you lament, as you loop your arms around his neck from the side instead of a hello.

“Not all of it. The guys just left but your brother and his friends are still here. Besides, you had work.” Renjun turns his head and looks into your eyes to reassure you. “Y/N, this is Chenle’s father.”

“Oh, hello!” you say cheerfully and respectfully bow and give you greetings. “It is so nice to meet you. Chenle looks just like you!”

“Yes, I’ve been told I’m a more handsome version of him,” he smiles then turns to Renjun, “And who might this young lady be?”

“This is my girlfriend, Y/N. She goes to NCTU with us.” Renjun introduces you and you bow again. Oh, the thrill he got every time he got to introduce you as his girlfriend. Fuck, he’s pretty sure he’d never tire of it, even if it had just been a few months. The serotonin boost in his veins is strong and he gets the urge to squeeze you and hold you forever.

“Oh, that’s very nice. Come have a meal with us before we have to catch a plane back home, okay?” Chenle’s father invites the two of you.

“Oh, I would love to!” you say in your chipper tone before your eyes start darting around “I’m going to have to excuse myself for a little bit, I just wanna say hi to my brother.” you say and you politely bow before you start moving away.

“Babe, hang on…” Renjun says, holding you back by your hand. He brings his fingers delicately to the bridge of your nose and softly pinches down the mask over it so it sits more snugly on you. “There, it’s much safer now.” Renjun nods and watches the affectionate smile your eyes give before you move away. You looked so pretty today, even if you were just coming back from a four-hour internship. You were easily the most beautiful girl in this room, though Renjun suspected that you’d be the most beautiful girl in any room you entered.

Albeit sometimes, Renjun had to wonder if your talent or your beauty was greater. Because you had become the only junior in NCTU to land an internship at the SMK Trainee Drive. And now that you were a senior, you were somehow managing to keep your grades up alongside it.

Renjun, on the other hand, would find himself struggling with balancing his apprenticeship with his school work. So he knew firsthand how your discipline was something else altogether. Recently though, he had experienced a rise in his grades because you had been taking him on so many study dates that your organizational skills and motivation had started to rub off on him.

Renjun walks around the studio and the party and feels like it’s been too long till you’re finally back by his side.

“Love in the Time of Corona,” you read the title of an art piece displayed in front of you. “That was supposed to be our thing.”

Renjun laughs and has no qualms in looping his arms around your waist and finally pulling you into himself.

“I guess we should’ve realized then how un-novel the idea would become in a few months.” he comments.

“Un-novel is not a word, Huang Renjun.” you narrow your eyes at him.

Renjun laughs. “It is now,” he says and lets out a long exhale, “I missed you today.” he complains, though he looks down at you with warmth.

“Well, you’ve got me now. And you have me for the entire weekend.” you reassure him, your palms on his chest.

“Mhmm.” Renjun smiles and he wants to lean in to kiss you. But Kim Doyoung specifically had people assigned to walk around and make sure that everyone had their masks on when inside. “Also, we already have a thing.” he reminds you and winks.

You laugh, and say “I guess we do,” then let out a happy sigh as your eyes avert from his for a moment, taking in your surroundings. “Our Couple Thing should give you some ideas on what you can make when your work is displayed here in the 2022 Annuale. I won’t be late to that, I promise. I’ll take a day off from everything else in my life.”

Renjun's heart grows warmer still, and he’s sure his eyes reflect what he feels, “How can you be so sure my work will be displayed in the 2022 Annuale?”

“I don’t know, Huang Renjun. I just have a feeling about you.” you say and Renjun can see you smile even if your lips are covered by a mask. Your eyes always smiled before your mouth did, anyway.

“Y/N L/N, I have a feeling about you, too.” he retorts.

“And what feeling would that be?” you raise an eyebrow.

“It’s a secret.” he says, but now he sees your pout, even if he can’t see your mouth because your cheeks have puffed up over the mask. It makes him laugh.

“You’re no fun.” you protest.

“I’ll tell you once we get out of here.” Renjun offers.

“Well, I’m ready to leave.” you jut your chin up. Renjun grins and offers you his arm. You grab it with your entire body and the two of you start walking out together.

You had plans for the weekend, after all. And Renjun was determined to keep you all to himself for once, with no one else demanding your time. Not your internship, not your assignments, not any of your friends, and especially not Lee fucking Donghyuck. He was finally going to take you away where it could just be you and him and nobody else.

This moment felt way too surreal to Renjun.

The campfire had simmered down from a glorious roar to a comfortable burn, giving off just enough heat in the cool of an early winter evening. The sky was in it’s fading moments, where the pink of the light was slowly turning to violets and the violets were slowly merging into darks.

Renjun remembered suggesting to you all that time ago that maybe you could go somewhere together. But now that he was here, he hadn’t imagined that the moment would feel as surreal as it did.

Because now the two of you are sitting in front of your tent by the fire, entwined in one another. You’re sitting between his legs, arms around his neck, nuzzling your cheek inside his padded jacket while he supports your head on his arm and kisses you.

He’s holding you in his arms and kissing you and everything seems so perfect that for a moment, he has to pull away to watch your face and wonder if all of this was real. And though there is a gentle smile on your face, you’re not opening your eyes much. Because you know full well that Renjun’s lips would be back on yours in no time. So you play with his hair as they fall to his forehead and when he kisses you again, you press up into him so he would wrap his arms around you and hold you tighter. He does and he rubs his hands up and down your back and attempts to close his jacket around you.

“Are you cold?” he asks lovingly. You shake your head.

“No. I just want to crawl inside you.” you say, like it’s the most logical thing to be said.

“Creepy.” Renjun remarks but holds you closer still.

“You should be happy you haven’t seen my collection of your hair clippings.” you quip as you nip into the skin of his neck.

“Oh, sweet. That rivals all your used tissues I’ve kept in my shrine at home.”

“Aww, you shouldn’t have.” you coo at him and then lean up to kiss him some more and he laughs. But soon, he pushes the arm that you were using like a pillow up so your face would be closer to his and he could kiss you as deeply as he was truly craving.

The two of you keep kissing like that till the sky is dark. It was an odd sort of trance, being so lost in one another that neither of you cared about what time it was or how long you had been sitting here, wrapped up in one another. Your phones were zipped away in your bags and you hadn’t checked them even once since you had parked your camping van and set up your tent. It was a slow, peaceful sort of bliss, just sitting by the fire and kissing and kissing with nothing else on your minds but being here like this with one another.

“Renjun?” you say, your voice sounding like it was returning from a deep thought.

“Hmm?” Renjun asks as he combs your hair away from your pretty face.

“You know, I learnt today that a cactus can live anywhere between 10 and 200 years.” you tell him, idly tracing the birthmark on the back of his hand.

Renjun leans in and presses long into your lips. “Yeah?” he replies and watches your face. It seemed hazily focused, like it was trying to catch onto a faraway thought.

“I also learnt that it can take up to 30 years for a cactus to bear flowers.” you say in an introspective, wistful tone.

Renjun looks away to hide his smile. Oh God, you were so cute. “Yeah?” he says again, but it’s getting more and more difficult to keep a serious face.

“Sometimes, a cactus doesn’t flower at all.” you say and then you turn your head to look at him like you’ve resurfaced from your thoughts and are now in the moment. Renjun’s grin grows wider. “Renjunnn…” you whine and so he has no choice but to tenderly hold your cheeks in his palms and stroke your hair.

“What?” he chuckles.

“You said you’d think you’re worthy of my forgiveness when the cactus bears flowers.” you whine again and Renjun has to plant a loving kiss to your forehead.

“Is that what I said?” he chuckles some more and then leans in to kiss the anxious realization away from your lips.

“Renjun.” you pout and Renjun laughs and takes his beautiful, whiny, kindhearted girlfriend in his arms and hopes that his hold could chase away all the worries from her pretty, brilliant mind.

He kisses you because his heart can’t bear it any longer. How did he manage to hold a heart like yours in his hand?

Renjun feels an indescribable amount of happiness. Like he wasn’t sure that you were really here with him, in his arms, all for him to hold, with no worry or burden afflicting him. The happiness is so immense and so incredible and so heavy that for a moment, he feels it suffocating him. He wonders if he deserved this kind of happiness.

But right in the next moment, he stops himself. He knew how easy it was to relapse into those tempting, lonesome thoughts. But if there was anything that therapy was teaching him, it was that of course he deserved happiness.

Though right now, holding you in his arms, this happiness was choking him. He felt like his heart was swelling and pressing against his lungs and his chest couldn’t bear it and he could no longer breathe.

“Y/N…” he exhales, holding you back so he can look at your face and you could look up into his. He pauses to gather another breath. Then, he just says it. “I love you.”

And doing so does the trick. He feels his chest slowly getting lighter, because this is what it had been bursting with. Now, he’s told you. Now, it can be unburdened.

You look up at him and there is nothing but a sparkle in your eye, and tenderness in your smile. For a while, you say nothing, just looking upon his eyes like that. “Thank you.” you finally whisper back at him.

Renjun pauses for a moment. But then, he relaxes. This was okay. You didn’t have to say it back right away. Renjun was ready to give you as much time as you needed. So he presses his lips into your forehead once again till he feels you laughing against him. He pulls back in confusion and you grab at the lapel of his parka.

“Huang Renjun…” you say and he looks back at you with uncertainty, “... I love you, too.”

And Renjun can’t help it if he kisses you too hard. He can’t help it that he’s squeezing you too tight. He wouldn’t care if the night brightens back into morning and the morning fades back into night. He was going to hold you just like this for the rest of his life.

So he lays you down and kisses you deeper, like he wanted to make up for all the time he had lost. All the time in his life when he hadn’t known you. All the time he had known you and didn’t let himself have you. He was going to make up for it all. And as he zips the tent up and shields you from the rest of the world, he wonders if he could spend all of his days just like this. Holding you and loving you and knowing that you loved him back; and if he could, today was a damn good day to start.

The fire slows to a simmer till all that’s left are embers that keep being carried away by the breeze. But the two of you remain inside, in your own world, happy that you had found one another, happy that you could finally have one another. Happy that you could hold one another and say that you loved each other and have nothing in the world hold you back, not now, not ever.

You were Y/N and Renjun, Renjun and Y/N, two names that were forever intertwined because that’s how people would call you now. You were the couple that belonged so perfectly with one another that people would wonder if you’d been together for years. And any time someone with a burning curiosity would come up to you and ask,

“So, where did you guys meet?” you would just look at one another, smile and say, “Well, we met in online class.”

~THE END

#renjun fic #renjun fluff #renjun angst #ficscafe #kpopscape #neowritingsnet #dreamwritersnet #huang renjun #renjun #nct fic #nct dream #nct #nct dream fic #nct fluff #nct angst #nct college au #renjun x reader #we met in online class

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wonderlandhatter · 4 years ago

Text

Comfort in you.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x femReader

Summary: You have a cuddly secret that is keeping you up at night, and your solution makes Spencer think you are falling out of love. (sorry that's not a great summary)

Word count:2580

Warnings: I don't think there's any, itsy tinny bit of angst if you squint but just a load of fluff

A/N: To be honest I don't know how I feel about this, I like it but idk. if I missed a warning feel free to tell me and if you have any feedback it is very welcome I am looking to improve my writing. Hope someone enjoys this :).

A/N2: My old account got deleted so I'm just reposting my fics I would appreciate if you could bust this so i could get back to where my account was thank you for your time.

Everyone has a source of comfort, something that makes everything bad disappear even for just a moment. For some it was a hobby and for others it was a person, either way everyone had one, yours just happened to be one most people have had but said people have also left it behind, along with wearing dippers and eating crayons.

You weren’t a child; you weren’t you just found comfort in it. So, what if you were in your twenties and still slept with a plushie who's business is it anyways. You can’t help it you just can’t sleep without it; you've had it since the moment you were born, plus your parents never made a move to take it away when you were younger. So here you are now.

It had never really been an issue, yes, your friends teased you but not in a hurtful way besides you had been friends since primary school, so they didn’t really care, as long as you were happy. Now boyfriends are a whole different story. You hadn't had many so it was never really an issue, you have had 3 in total if one of them even counted I mean it lasted until lunch time and you were 5 and he wouldn’t have minded since he also slept with a stuffed animal.

Your second boyfriend was in high school, you were sixteen, you hadn’t even thought about the fact he might find it strange so the first time he came over you didn’t try to hide it, it didn’t go well, he called you a baby and threw it around, and got annoyed at you when you asked him to stop because he was going to damage the plushie, the nerve of the guy. Well that did not last awfully long not just because of the plush but because he was a prick.

And now here you were 23 and dating the wonderful Dr Spencer Reid, you guys have been dating for nearly 8 months, and what amazing 8 months have they been. You owned quite a popular bookshop and that is how you met; he had come in a few times before he was able to muster up the courage to even say hello. He found everything about you wonderful, the way you handled books with such care and how you carried yourself with such grace, (the grace one wavers as in his second visit he witnessed you trip twice, but he just he found it endearing and wonderful). Honestly, he already had a bookshop he had frequented previously but this one had something no other shop could ever have. You, and so he kept coming, and you two kept talking, and talking in the shop lead to talking at the coffee shop, which lead to talking over dinner and then talking for 6 months which may have lead to some activities with some inappropriate talking, and now 8 months later and you have never been happier.

Honestly it’s a miracle you’ve made it 8 months without him finding out about your little secret, it helps that you guys hadn’t started having sex until 2 months ago, neither of you had been in a rush and so took your time, and the first time was wonderful, but that’s a story for another time. Another thing that helped was the fact that he was nearly always on a case, he made time for you, and you understood he had to be away and admired his career choice, it just meant that when you were together most of the time you chose to spend time together, saying that there have been times as soon as Hotch has dismissed him he has gone straight to your apartment and is picking you up and too your room, but what can he say, he is just but a man and you are just but a very hot woman. Thankfully that time he had been so preoccupied with getting his clothes off that you were able to put the plush under your bed without him noticing (you did feel bad about shoving it under the bed but you had no time he was a man on a mission), you hadn’t been able to sleep that night or any night you had stayed with him, so you stopped staying over even if it was just to sleep..

Now the issue came when Spencer got a couple of weeks off from work around the holidays, so you were off too. And oh boy were you tired it wasn’t that you were doing it like bunnies but you did enjoy time together so you wanted to be together for as long as you could, and you were absolutely loving all the stolen kisses and the reading to each other and arguing who the best doctor is (the sex is very good too), the trouble only came at night when he said you should stay, he hated you being out by yourself at night, too many cases involving creeps, so you would stay.

But after a few days without sleep you were so exhausted, you started making up excuse to not stay and to stop sex, it worked for a few days until it didn’t.

You had been watching some foreign film Spencer had seemed very excited for, you loved watching these with him, not because you understood what they were saying, it was complete gibberish to you, but you quite enjoying feeling his breath on your neck when he leaned down to whisper the translations for you, he knew there were subtitles and you knew there were subtitles but this turned you on and you both knew it. So, it confused Spencer when after the movie was over and after two hours of whispering and you subtly rubbing your thighs together you yawned and said you should get going.

He would never force you into anything, and would never expect sex from you, but he knew you were turned on and he knew you wanted it, he knew what you looked like when you wanted him, he had seen it enough times, and he loved the sight, but here you were clearly frustrated and about to just leave. Don’t misunderstand Spencer here it isn’t just the leaving clearly horny it’s the not having slept in the same bed for days, he knew you had some trouble sleeping any time you had slept over, he just assumed it was being out of your bed, but you almost always went out of your way to not sleep together in your bed. So, he chose to say something.

“Y/N can we talk”, “oh that seems serious” you replied humorously while tying your laces, until you looked up and saw his face, “you look upset, did I do something”, you said clearly upset,“ No! no you didn’t do anything, well you did but um ahh, I don’t know how to word this”, this was a first, he always had the words to say, normally he couldn’t stop talking, but right know all he was thinking was how his girlfriend couldn’t stand to be on the same bed as him, and how she was doing what she could to avoid sex, he knew he wasn’t overly experienced but neither was she, but he always made sure she was getting some sort of pleasure, and made it his goal to get you to finish at least twice.

What if you had faked it, what if you were falling out of love, was it all the hours he had to work or was…his thoughts were cut short by you “ Spencer please talk to me, what did I do, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you”, he could see the worry in your face and without thinking he just blurted out “do you not like me anymore”, “ What!!!” you said almost immediately, he could see the confusion in your face but you spoke before he could, “Spencer I love you, why wouldn’t I like you anymore, do you not like me anymore”, he saw the hurt in your eyes as your mind wandered and he couldn’t speak fast enough to stop that train he needed to take that hurt away, “no, no god no I love you too, I love you much it’s just that lately you’ve um, you’re always coming up with reasons to not sleep with me, and I don’t mean sex I mean even just sleep, well you’re also avoiding sex but that’s not the point, I also know you never really sleep when you’re with me and I’m sorry if being that intimate with me makes you uncomfortable, because I can see you were turned on after the movie and you were just going to leave and I just need to know if I make you uncomfortable.”, Spencer spoke so fast you were left there stunned and a little embarrassed at him knowing he turned you on but also you were backed into a corner, you could see the pain in his eyes, he though he made you so uncomfortable you couldn’t sleep in the same bed as him, at the thought of how you hurt him your eyes began to water.

“Spencer I don’t know what”, “please don’t deny it Y/N its been over a week since we slept in the same place” Spencer interrupted before you could get your pathetic attempt of n excuse out, so you were going to come clean, he is going to break up with you was the only thing going through your head but you had to tell him, you hurt him and that was worse.

So you mustered up all the courage you had and looked down because you might cry if you looked at him in the eyes, oh well all your courage could only do so much, “you don’t make me uncomfortable Spencer. You’re wonderful that isn’t why”, spencer interrupted before you could continued, he just needed answers, “then, why?”, “promise me you won’t laugh at me”, he looked confused how could you ever think he would take your feeling for granted and laugh at them, “of course I won’t” he simply said as he gently pulled your chin up with his hand, he could see your you were nervous and so gave you a kind smile, and did something you two do quite often, he offered up his pinkie, you giggled as you put your pinkies together to make a promise, after your pinkies were separated you looked slightly down again and quickly blurted out “Icantsleepwithoutmyplushieandididntwantyoutoseethatistillneededitandthatswhyicantsleepbesideyouandwhyicantsleepwheniamwithyuo” it was so quickly the flash couldn’t have understood, his confused face was honestly adorable but your adoration was cut off by his very confused “what?”, and so you took a deep breath looked at him, thought over your words for a second and finally said much slower, slightly hesitantly and embarrassed “ I can’t sleep without a plushie,” you said shyly he smiled softly at this and you continued after a beat “that’ s why I can’t sleep when I’m with you, I didn’t want you to know, I mean I’m in my twenties and still sleep with a toy its pathetic, and after a few days of not sleeping I was exhausted and so I thought I could just avoid having to sleep without it, I understand if you want to break up or if you want to make fun of me”, you stopped talking when Spencer pulled you in for a quick kiss, “sorry you were spiralling and that’s what you do when I’m spiralling”, he smiled while his face was still only a breath away, you simply nodded and made no move to move.

“So you’re not breaking up with me” you asked shyly, assuming since he had just kissed you, “why on earth would I be breaking up with you”, “because its childish and ridiculous that I can’t sleep without it”, he gently smiled and pulled your chin up to look at him with one hand and held your hand with the other. “it isn’t strange or childish, actually 44% of adults still own a childhood toy and 34% of adults sleep with a stuffed animal, its perfectly normal, and honestly really cute” the last bit made you blush but all together you felt better, “thanks bub”, “what for”, you shrugged an simply said for not making fun of you and with that he pulled you into a hug, and neither made an attempt to move.

And so here you were now in Spencer’s car on your way to your apartment, if you were being honest you were too tired to be as embarrassed as you would have normally been, but he wasn’t shaming you and all you wanted was to sleep by his side. As you got to your apartment complex you walked hand in hand, made your way inside, and went to your room.

Spencer had been there multiple times before so he had some clothes he could sleep in already there (also you may have stolen a good amount so he could borrow those too), so he put some plaid pyjama bottoms on and a graphic tee and made his way to his side of the bed, you had gone to the bathroom to do your skin care routine and came out in some thin cotton pyjama shorts and one of your (his) old Cal tech sweatshirt, he can’t deny he absolutely loves seeing you in his clothes, to him it is possibly one of the most beautiful things he has and will ever see.

You made your way under the covers and cuddled him, you both shared some lazy kisses and light touches before you stopped so you could sleep, you made an attempt to try an sleep without it but Spencer nudged you and gave you a half amused smiled so you sighed dramatically and stretched over to your bedside table were your plushie was living, as you took it out and made your way back to Spencer’s side you held it close so he couldn’t really see it. He wasn’t really having that though.

What he’s curious he wanted to see it, so with a much more amused smile and looking down at his adorable girlfriends he asked “ can I see it”, “no” you answered almost immediately and in more of a grumble against his chest, “please, you look adorable and it looks really soft, can I please see it”, and so without looking up you not so gently pulled it out from nearly fully under you and pushed it to his chest, and hid your face deeper into him. He gently picked it up and inspected it, you didn’t hear him say anything so you looked up and saw him already looking at you with simply love in his eyes, “what?” you asked slightly confused, he simply kissed you and you understood, no words were needed to explain what he felt.

You picked up the toy and hugged it again and Spencer hugged you, you felt safe, you felt loved and overall, you were happy. Maybe Spencer could be your new comfort source, you would never get rid of your plushie but maybe it wouldn’t be a necessity maybe holding him would be enough. But being honest he already was he was enough; he was more than enough. And with that thought you both drifted off exchanging quiet I love yous.

#spencer reid fic #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds #criminal minds fic

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darlingbudsofrae · 3 years ago

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Nicky Hemmick Appreciation Post

Foxes Appreciation Series : 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 ||

It’s time for Nicky Hemmick appreciation hours!

I think out of the foxes, I really don’t like the way Nora developed, or lack thereof, Nicky’s character.

He was one of the few POC/LGBTQIAP+ characters in the books and the way he was written just wasn’t it, y’know?

I think out of all the changes we could have, I wish Nora developed him better because his character could’ve gone to so many potentials.

But let’s get with what we have-

First off, I just want to say I appreciate Nicky’s relationship with Erik so much.

They’re adorable.

Now, let’s get to the sad and dark stuff-

Nicky’s past is one of the most messed-up backstories I’ve ever read in my entire life. And I read a LOT of sad books.

Dude literally went to a gay conversion camp (the fact that this shit exists is proof that hell is just a place on earth) for a year and had to repress his sexuality his entire life because his parents were homophobic shitholes.

Repressing his sexuality also led to depression. He had freaking suicidal thoughts and he took the first way out of his problems and saved himself by taking the first chance to leave, aka Germany.

I’m not sure if anyone remembers but to get to that- he had to pretend he was something he was not. He had to play the “perfect son” role because he couldn’t afford to be himself in a place where his existence was deemed wrong.

Also, the fact that he had the capacity to do this- to maintain that role until that Germany ticket landed in his hands while combatting suicidal and other morbid thoughts-

Kid, that sucks. Nicky Hemmick needs a hug.

Also, taking note of this fact makes me appreciate his reactions towards his teammates’ tragedies more.

Like at first I was constantly surprised because I thought it’s such an overreaction to feel sad and almost cry as a reflex to other’s misfortunes (lowkey exposing myself here)

But to realize he went through such a traumatic experience and can still empathize + sympathize deeply with his teammates-

it just makes me really appreciate that aspect of him- to be able to still be that person and have that sense of humanity despite of the horrific things he went though, that’s amazing.

Let’s talk about the fact that Nicky could’ve just live his entire life in Germany with the love of his life and cut off entirely his connections with his family because he had every right to detoxify his life and live happily for himself.

Nicky was about 19-20ish when he learned that Tilda had died and how he reacted to this by going back because he doesn’t want the twins to be raised by the same people who gave him hell- because he knows the twins deserves better- that’s incredible.

He had absolutely no obligation to, he wasn’t even that old to have that responsibility but he took it.

He came back and fought for the rights to become a guardian for the twins (against his own parents), like that takes so much time and effort and the fact that he did it at like a considerably young age is just so mind-blowing.

I’m not going to act like he’s the best guardian. But let’s not discredit where credit is due.

Despite everything- he gave Aaron and Andrew a home. Provided a roof over their heads, helped them at school (he taught them to speak German), worked jobs to provide for their basic necessities, and assuming Andrew spent all that insurance money on the car, someone has to be working to pay the tuition and bills, right?

And that someone was Nicky.

(He also got Andrew and Aaron gigs at where he worked at).

Like no one talks about this enough but Nicky lowkey raised the twins. Like, he actually raised the twins.

There is not enough words in this world to describe how overwhelming and amazing that is.

He had no obligation whatsoever to these two who probably gave him a hard time because as much as I love the Twinyards- they were assholes (I mean they were kind of mean to him for crying out loud, and that’s just on the books- imagine how much more he got back when the twins were probably so distrustful of him) and really, they weren’t Nicky’s obligation because most people forget that Nicky wasn’t that old.

He was pretty young too.

And by going back, he’s associating himself with the things that lowkey broke him but he still went and stayed anyway even when he could’ve easily just be happy and cut it all off because despite of everything, he wanted to provide the twins with an at least better option than his horrible parents.

He wanted the twins to have a good life- literally wished for them to heal and be okay and succeed and that amount of love- it’s just amazing. Like, I said that a lot by now but it’s just really amazing.

Nicky Hemmick is amazing.

He was also supposedly only going to stay until the twins finished high school but then Coach Wymack happened and with Erik’s support and his hopes of the twins being happy, he stayed.

I’m not sure about Nicky’s exy abilities, I think he got scolded a lot by Kevin but I like to think that he wasn’t that bad. I really wish we got more exy contents, that one time I got invested in a sport and there wasn’t even a lot of it.

I also like to believe that he’s more mature than he lets on. Like, he actually knows all that adulting shit.

Also, when Neil noticed that Nicky is just playing his energy levels up to compensate for the Twinyards’ walls because despite everything, he wants to be friends with everyone but can’t because he’s with the monsters and that honestly sucks.

But it’s also commendable that he really tries.

Ignoring the Eden incident aside, he was actually really great to Neil.

Like, he’s one of the few in the foxes that was friendly to him at the start.

He also taught him a lot of things (like social cues and all) and did whatever he can to help him.

He’s actually a pretty good friend.

Also, I lowkey feel for him that despite everything, he still wanted his parents’ validation and approval.

I saw a decent amount of people hate Nicky for this because it was what led to the thanksgiving incident, but I just find it sad.

Because at the end of the day, Nicky was just a son who loved his parents even if they couldn’t love everything he was and the things he stands for, and it’s just sad because even if it was kind of obvious, he just wanted to believe that everything could still mend.

He still wanted to be accepted by them.

Some people don’t deserve to have kids.

But when he realized that it wasn’t going to happen and this brought harm to the twins, he was very apologetic over it and guilty even if it wasn’t his fault, and he chose the twins.

He will always choose the twins.

"It's about family. Not necessarily the one we were born with, but the one we choose. This one. The people we trust to be part of our lives. The people we care about."

Overall, it’s just really amazing that despite everything, he can look for the positive and enjoy life even if it’s really shitty.

Just ✨Nicholas Esteban Hemmick✨ dude.

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